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I have been noticing hair care technology has been getting really innovative lately. Everywhere I turn, there’s a cool new blow dryer, curling iron, or dry shampoo that makes me want to open my wallet. I am dying to try the Dyson Airwrap, but I can’t justify the $500 price tag at the moment (if ever). This gadget came onto my radar recently, and I noticed it has a lot of positive reviews and looks pretty user-friendly. If you’re someone who curls their hair often, or even just on special occasions, at $79.99 this seems worth a try! It’s available at Target. Spin n Curl Iron This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Newmom says
How long of a commute is a dealbreaker for you? My current commute is 45 minutes by subway. My husband and I found a “dream home” that would be a 60-70 minute drive. It’s a really unique property (hobby farm) that really couldn’t be found anywhere closer in to my job. Important details: I work from home twice a week and my hours are excellent, usually in at 9 and out by 5. An extra 15-20 minutes doesn’t sound terrible to me, since I’d still be home around 6. Husband would likely become a SAHD in this scenario.
Anonymous says
I’ve been commuting 60 minutes each way by car for almost 15 years, and it is definitely right up against the limit. The thing that makes it bearable is that it is all low-traffic highway driving so I can just enjoy listening to the radio or a podcast. On days when there is moderate to heavy traffic in spots (which is becoming more and more frequent), the commute is totally exhausting even if I only get home 10 minutes later. Driving home in the dark during the winter is also a real drag.
One surprising challenge is that because my home is inland of the city where I work, the weather where I live is more extreme than the weather at work. This means that when I am dealing with snowy or icy roads, the roads near the office are often perfectly clear, and no one understands why I am taking the day off or working from home. Dealing with kid illnesses, midday school functions, etc. is also more challenging with a long commute, although if your husband is a SAHD you may not have the same issues.
Anonymous says
Depends how accurate that estimate is. I drive 30 miles one way which reliably takes 70 minutes in the morning and 45 at night. If your 70 minute estimate is based on actually doing the drive at rush hour, I find it on the edge of tolerable. If that’s a pie in the sky dream, it’s too long.
Also subway is dramatically different than driving. Driving is stressful, you can’t read a book, and you don’t get any walking in
AIMS says
This. A friend recently had a change of hours and her 30 min. car commute takes close to an hour and 20 min now because of traffic. Do the trip on a weekday morning before you make any decisions.
Walnut says
Driving depends on the personality. For me, driving is a release and I have quite a bit of freedom to choose my departures, route, etc. I love my driving commute and knowing myself, I wouldn’t mind a longer one to check a dream forever home box.
Transit involves a schedule set by someone else, park and rides are usually 100% full, so it’s bus to light rail requiring me to take meetings on my phone because the bus doesn’t start early enough for me to get in the office. I also have absolute zero control over other people on my vehicle. I live in a very diverse area of town and most passengers are awesome, but some are also higher than a kite, drunk as skunks, and so help you if I see you making fun of the disabled individual struggling to get on/off the bus because you’re too substance compromised to realize how offensive you’re being.
I really tried to embrace my transit commute but the stench of Mr. High-as-a-Kite plus sitting in the exact same rush hour traffic I’d otherwise be sitting in has me embracing my vehicle commute again.
rakma says
For me, public transportation commuting and driving are so different. 45 minutes driving in moderate to heavy traffic was a huge stressor for me, but I did an 75 min subway/bus commute happily.
If you did move, are your hours flexible at all? I found that if I could shift my hours either way, it helped enormously with the commute stress.
Anonymous says
My personal max is about 20 minutes. in a smaller city but my current commute is about ten minutes and DH’s is about 20. I live in smaller house with a smaller yard that backs onto a greenspace to make this happen. My sister is happy with her hour commute and big garden/big house but I couldn’t regularly handle being gone from 8-6pm or longer everyday. I would need a SAHD or a live in nanny to function. With younger kids, I’d struggle with getting family dinner and bedtime done in an hour and a half or less and I’d find the lack of time to just sit and play with the kids hard. With older kids, it makes the logistics around after school activities more challenging.
Anon says
” I couldn’t regularly handle being gone from 8-6pm or longer everyday. I would need a SAHD or a live in nanny to function.”
This seems a bit melodramatic.. I work 9-5 and live 3 miles from work, but with daycare drop-off and pick-up, I’m out of the house from more like 8:15/8:30 to 5:30. And I feel like I have very short hours, most working adults I know work longer hours. And obviously most of them don’t have SAHD spouses or live-in nannies. I wouldn’t be psyched about an hour plus commute either, but being gone 8-6 isn’t that unusual.
Anonymous says
I agree with Anon at 9:36. I’m away from about 8-6 every day, as is my husband, and it IS hard. By the time we get home, it’s a race to get dinner on the table, and then straight into bedtime routines. We both have some flexibility around our schedules if needed, but day to day is a grind. Home, daycare, school, and office are already within a 3 mile radius, so I can’t improve too much on the commute front. I’ll be looking for shorter hours or more flexibility on in-office time at my next job.
Anon 9:36 says
Thanks. Good to know that I’m not alone. Being told I’m melodramatic because I know the limits of what I can and can’t handle wasn’t great to hear.
Anon says
It’s surprising how much of a difference 45 minutes makes, though. Getting home at 6 vs 5:30 is significant.
Anonymous says
I did an hour commute and was not bad because it was by car and I often used it to take work calls- usually those “shoot the $hit” kind of calls you have to with people. Or I called my 92 year old grandma and made her day. Or I sat on hold with the cable company.
When I had an hour train commute I did work and paid bills.
If you have an hour of difficult drive, or a subway commute, or a job where you can’t maximize your commute time, that’s too much for me.
Anonymous says
Also, just bigger picture I’m not sure I’d do moving to the suburbs and husband quitting his job with a young baby and adding a hobby farm (omg so much work) all at once. Cause if he hates it or you do, you’ve really gone all in. At least a normal suburban house doesn’t have so many responsibilities.
ANP says
(Caveat: this advice is coming from someone who has a 5-minute driving commute.) You’ve been given good advice above to take into consideration the type of commute (car vs. public transport). I would say: are you certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you will remain in this job for the rest of your working life? Is the property close to other jobs you could take if this role becomes one you no longer want to be in (or, worse, you’re let go)? I guess what I’m saying is to consider what life would look like living on this hobby farm if you’re in a different job.
If you decide to go for it, any chance you can WFH three days per week? My biggest concern would be that with a commute of that nature, you wouldn’t get the opportunity to really enjoy the “dream home” property you purchased.
anon says
My commute is the worst thing about my otherwise pretty great life so I personally wouldn’t even consider anything longer than what I currently have.
Anonymous says
You know…I’d usually say no to a longer commute, but if you’re WFH 2 days a week and DH is a SAHD, this seems totally do-able. Those 3 days will be long but you won’t have daycare dropoff/pickup and dinner can be ready when you get home. Winter may suck (leaving/coming home in the dark) but that seems like an ok trade off. As some who would love a hobby farm (and dreams of raising kids on one) I say go for it!
Anon says
+1
Anonymous says
Seconding everyone who says to consider the driving vs transit trade-off. My commutes ranked from best to worst have been: 45 minutes driving, 60 minutes driving, 45 minutes on public transit, and 75 minutes on public transit. My driving commutes have always been out of the city/against rush hour traffic and my transit commutes have always involved connections with buses that run infrequently/unreliably, so I vastly prefer driving because I control my own time and can veg out. That being said, many people think the opposite.
Anonanonanon says
Really depends on the type of commute and how reliable it is.
I recently switched from a 40 minutes commute that was against traffic/moving the whole time, to a 45 minute commute that is primarily in traffic, and it’s much more annoying to me when it’s in traffic. However, it is a reliable 45 minutes, which makes a huge difference. I’ve had a commute before that ranged anywhere from 40 to 90 minutes on a given day (yay DC-area) and that was much more brutal, because it was in an office with strict office hours, so if I got in 40 minutes early I was just donating that time. That uncertainty really annoyed me.
How flexible are your hours? Can you occasionally go in super early and then leave a bit earlier if you wanted? I find that helpful in my current job, because it’s nice to get home before dark during winter once in a while.
NYCer says
I think commute really boils down to personal preference/tolerance. A 60-70 minute driving commute would absolutely be a deal breaker for me, but might be manageable for you or someone else.
Sarabeth says
In psychology research, commute time is just about the only thing that people don’t adjust to (no hedonic adaptation). Bigger houses, etc makes people happier for six months or so, then it levels out. Longer commutes make people unhappier indefinitely.
ER says
Just another thing to consider: commute time can change over time. I started out with a 45-minute commute (in traffic) that became 1:10 minute commute (in traffic) in just three years due to increased economic activity in my area. I found 1:10 unbearable whereas 45-minute was doable.
If a lot of other people move to your rural area and it become less rural, more ex-urbia, your 60 minute commute could look a lot different.
Strategy Mom says
Being home around 6 sounds fine to me – you still have time before bed. Another thing I’ve been thinking about is how my commute limits my ability to attend school events. I like being able to show up for performances, conferences, etc., and a long commute limits that and will limit your ability to go to soccer games down the road. But living on a hobby farm sounds like a dream!!
So Anon says
My husband told me yesterday that he wants to move out of our family home because he “needs time to work on himself” before/in order to work on being a present parent and partner, which he apparently cannot do while being in the family home. I am simultaneously devastated and feeling like freedom and better days are ahead. We have decided that we are not ready to divorce but are separating for a period of time. We haven’t told our kids and are waiting until we know when he will be moving out. While he will be involved in the kids’ lives, I know that 99% of parenting will fall to me because it already does.
A bit of the backstory: My soon-to-be live out husband (what is the right term? I don’t think husband is quite right. Maybe soon to be ex?) suffers from MDD and OCD, and I (and therapists) can see elements of NPD/BPD although he is not diagnosed with either. He has suffered from MDD since our oldest was born 8 years ago. He has been on medication, though he went off for a period of time without telling anyone. He was hospitalized twice three years ago, and again this past fall. Between the hospitalizations, he was in “therapy” but not doing any actual work and basically just chatting with a not-great therapist for an hour every week. During all of this, I have carried the load for raising our children, working full-time and taking care of our home and lives. I have done all that I could, tried to change, be a friend, ask less from this guy in an effort to give him time and space to work on himself. I recently went on medication because I just couldn’t keep my head above water on the mental health front. Oh, and our son was diagnosed with ASD exactly one month ago yesterday.
I’m looking for all of the advice, tips and support that anyone can think of going through this process? Great reads for me? Books that help explain this to the kids (5 and 8)? Songs/playlists? Parenting advice? I need all the good vibes and advice that is out there.
Mrs. Jones says
I’m sorry about all this! I don’t have any great advice except to talk to a divorce lawyer. Best to be prepared.
anne-on says
I am very sorry you’re dealing with all this. Frankly, even though you’re not divorcing now, I’d speak to a lawyer ASAP and start to save money into a separate account (I’d also watch joint account like a hawk and lock your credit so no new cards can be opened with your name on them).
I’d seek out therapy to try to decide what YOU want, it sounds like this is all being driven by his needs which you’ve been more than accommodating of. Also maybe look into hiring some part time care so you get to have a break to decompress as well. Good luck.
mascot says
+1 to this. Maybe you divorce, maybe you don’t, but you need to understand how the process works.
Anonymous says
Why haven’t you followed everyone’s advice to call a divorce lawyer? You’re relieved your husband is moving out. You need to be focused on protecting yourself and your children. And that means ending this.
lsw says
This is extremely challenging and you are working really hard. From this outsider’s perspective, I think you’re going to look back on this time with relief because it started the separation process. I feel like it will be easier and free up so much mental bandwidth not to have to manage your husband in addition to your kids. They will be fine!
The only helpful perspective I can provide is that my husband’s divorce ended up being way better for his daughter in many ways. (We have equal custody with her mom.) I know that’s just anecdata but I wanted to put it in there that strong role models and strong relationships trump staying together “for the kids” in a lot of situations in my experience. Hugs and hang in there.
Anon says
Hugs. Lawyer up.
So Anon says
Should have mentioned these two points: I have spoken with a divorce lawyer, and I am in individual therapy.
Anonymous says
Good. Then I think you streamline. He isn’t your problem devote zero time to fixing him. Do the bare minimum of house things. Give you and your kids downtime to spend together. If you’re still thinking of anything other than working and taking care of your kids as an obligation, stop. And get a divorce. Stop waiting on him to decide what your life will be.
rakma says
Kid’s books are hard because so many use the word ‘divorce’ which may not be a conversation you want to have with them right now, but this list includes some that address separation https://www.readbrightly.com/books-kids-whose-parents-divorcing-separating/
Can you put in place some support for yourself in addition to the therapy and lawyer? Nearby relative, after school babysitter, local teenager to hang out with the kids on Sunday morning so you can run errands? Also, does your school/district have a support group for parents of children with special needs? Our district does, and it’s a great resource for navigating the implementation of resources, which you may find helpful with the recent diagnosis.
Anonanonanon says
Even though this (hopefully?) isn’t your situation, I highly recommend visiting Chump Lady’s website and looking at her tips on how to protect yourself going into this.
Also, take the relief you feel as a sign. I’ve been there. Yes- it’s going to be hard. But in a lot of ways, based on my experience, it’s going to be so much less chaotic. You can drag yourself and your kids through this. It’s a lot harder to drag the dead weight of another adult as well.
rakma gave you some excellent suggestions, which I will reiterate/add to based on my experience:
-Now is the time to build your network, even if that network is paid. He will pull S*** and bail on you when he is supposed to have the kids. Don’t let this affect your job. Start test-driving mother’s helpers and sitters NOW on low-stakes things (like while you run to the store) so that you have a deep roster of people you have met and worked with before when the stakes are higher (it’s a snow day and you have a big meeting).
-Set a move out date for him. Living in a gray area of not knowing if he’s in or out, if you need to coordinate evening plans with him or not, etc. is not bearable for very long. My ex and I “lived separately in the same house” for a few months and in retrospect it was an unbearable way to live. I had to eventually approach him with a list of apartments I had researched.
-Separate your finances. Can you support yourself and the kids? If not, I’d pursue a separation agreement ASAP. In my state, there was no such thing as “legal separation”, but you were required to live “separate and apart” with a written agreement for 1 year before you could divorce if you had children. Child support was in our written agreement.
FWIW, I was so much better without the chaos of having someone around that I may-or-may-not be able to count on. Just the consistency of knowing it was all on me was less stressful than a gray area. I truly hope it works out the same for you, and that when this is over you can exhale and feel relieved that you are back in control of your life. Hugs, this is beginning of a rough road but I promise in a few years it will feel like just a bump in your otherwise happy life :) :) :)
TK says
I remember your story from a while back.
Expending any additional emotional energy on worrying about what will happen to him is a waste of time. He needs to ‘work on himself?’ What the hell else has he been doing while NOT participating in the family over the past few years while you’ve been doing 99% of the work? Don’t wait around any longer for him to get his sh*t together – cut your losses and move on. The chances of him improving to the point of being a partner to you sound pretty minimal. If he wants to return to the family, he has to earn it – you owe him nothing.
In terms of what to tell the kids … what did you tell him when he was in the hospital? Or at home but unavailable? Not much has changed, except for his physical location. Tell them that Dad has asked to live by himself for a while. Don’t say that he’ll come to visit or that he’s still going to be around for the Holidays etc. unless you know for sure that’s the case. They need to know they can trust you to tell them the truth. You don’t need to actively bad-mouth him (and you shouldn’t), but don’t say Dad will come see you twice a week if your years of experience with him are evidence that he isn’t going to be able to keep that commitment.
Anonanonanon says
This last paragraph is such a great point. I don’t have much advice in this area because my child was 3-almost-4 at the time but looking back, part of the reason it wasn’t a big deal was because Dad wasn’t ever doing stuff with us anyway. There was maybe one or two “I miss dad!” tearful outbursts but they conveniently happened when he was otherwise exhausted/upset/honestly looking for something to be upset about. But, when dad is constantly “too overwhelmed” or “needs some time to decompress” or “is working on himself” or whatever other excuse is being used to force everyone to stay quiet with the lights off while he is on the couch all weekend in his PJs (at least in my case) he isn’t exactly missed on outings regardless of where he lives.
CPA Lady says
This is not mature or kind of me, but I do not like him. As my kid would say, “he is a nuu-nuu!!” (idk what a nuu-nuu is but it does not sound like a good thing the way she says it.)
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
As far as songs, I suggest blasting Ke$ha’s “Woman” on repeat, perhaps not around tiny ears, since it has a very liberal use of the words “mother-f&cker”
HM says
In the process of weaning our 5-month old from SNOO. Because we are weaning, his arms are out of the SNOO sack, but he is still clipped in to SNOO. He sleeps soundly overnight for 11-12 hours and doesn’t need SNOO to soothe him at all. We’ve been trying to put LO down in his crib for naps and can’t seem to get it right. He will fall asleep on me or DH, but as soon as we put him down in the crib he wakes up. He can roll over both ways and almost always flips right onto his stomach when I lay him down. I’m OK with letting him sleep that way since he rolls easily, but I do notice he moves around a LOT in his crib. He naps inconsistently at daycare in a crib- sometimes for 1.5 hours or more, and sometimes for just a few minutes. We have tried putting him down swaddled with his arms out, and also with no swaddle. We use white noise and blackout curtains in his room, he is not hungry when we are putting him down, and he is obviously tired. Any tips? Maybe a different kind of swaddle?
GCA says
I don’t have any experience with the SNOO, but night sleep can be totally different from naps, and it might just be a 5mo thing especially if they are dropping from 4 naps/ all-over-the-place naps to a more consistent 3-nap schedule. If you’ve tried him in a crib at night, how does he sleep? My 5 month old sleeps pretty well at night – rolls right onto her stomach and goes down on her own most nights. She’ll go to sleep on her own in the crib at daycare, but her naps are also inconsistent (and it’s become harder to get her down in the last week or so), and I suspect she’s getting ready to drop one but there’s no clear pattern yet. It may be a matter of waiting a couple of weeks.
HM says
We’ve only tried him in the crib once overnight, but he did fine and slept his typical 11-12 hours. Daycare doesn’t seem to have a consistent schedule for his naps- it’s sort of all over the board when they put him down and how long he sleeps- so he doesn’t really have a nap schedule.
anon says
you need to be more consistent. start putting him in the crib every night and do not let him fall asleep on you during the day. by 5 months it is highly unlikely i could have transferred my kid from my arms to the crib without waking, especially at nap time. i have twins and they started out in bassinets and took a bit of time to adjust to all the space in the crib, but now they both move around a ton.
GCA says
Our daycare was willing to work with whatever rhythm we suggested (it’s hard to say ‘schedule’ of a 3-6 month old when they don’t really have a clear schedule yet!). We asked them to put her down for a nap 1.5 hours after last wakeup or when she seemed tired, whichever was sooner. Now that she’s dropping a nap, I asked them to go to every 2 hours (ish), with a protocol that looks like ‘rock her a bit then put her down in the crib to get herself to sleep’. Would something like that work for your daycare provider? And then you could translate it to a similar nap routine at home.
HM says
Thanks. This might work. I’m thinking the lack of a rhythm (good way to put it) at daycare might be the problem.
Anon says
Sorry off topic, but would you recommend the snoo? I saw you can now rent them and I am super tempted… but we survived my older two without just fine!
HM says
100000% yes. Obsessed.
Anonymous says
We had to ease out of it. Like swaddle a bit more loosely, then swaddle with one arm out, then second arm only loosely swaddle, then both arms out. Waited 3 days between each change. We used the Halo Sleepsack swaddle and continued to use it as a sleepsack afterwards.
LadyNFS says
We had a SNOO and I would also HIGHLY recommend. Loved it.
That said, transitioning out of the SNOO was a bit of a challenge, and once LO was too big (nearly 7 months, admittedly we pushed it probably a little too long…). We actually cut a hole in the SNOO swaddle for one arm out for a few nights, then both arms out, and eventually transitioned to a sleep sack, so I second the advice above to slowly wean from the swaddle. If your LO can flip onto his stomach, he should not be swaddled at all – he needs his arms to be able to push himself up. I also agree re: consistency above – same bedtime routine every night, AND LO should be put down awake. Night sleep and naps are totally different and I understand that they use different parts of the brain, but at night, he should be put to sleep awake so that he can fall asleep independently and also cycle through sleep on his own. I’ve touted this before, but in addition to the SNOO I used Taking Cara Babies – both her newborn and ABCs of sleep program, which I highly recommend and would do all 3 again. Good luck!
HM says
Just to clarify, he’s not swaddled anymore, but he is still in the SNOO sack at night. Not sure when you used it or what size, but the SNOO sacks sized medium and above actually have holes for the arms that button open or closed. LO has his arms out since he can roll. We don’t have an issue with nighttime sleep, only naps during the day.
LadyNFS says
Sorry – I read too quickly. Arm holes is a nice improvement (my LO is 17 months, so it’s been about a year since we used SNOO). As for naps, the sleep program I used, Taking Cara Babies, has a great blog with sample nap schedules based upon age, and details on when a baby is ready to drop a nap. You may find it helpful since I find that naps are such a moving target. And for what it’s worth, my kiddo has always been a great nighttime sleeper, but still takes her occasional daytime nap on me, on the nanny, or in the stroller – I find that naps tend to be all over the place, while nights are more consistent.
Pogo says
I think you need to ditch the swaddle if LO is rolling. Maybe try the Merlin suit? Mine hated it, but 5mo is the age where it’s supposed to work great (mine could roll in the swaddle/break out, but not in the Merlin).
Or just go straight to sleep sack. Note that we hit the 4mo regression late, and 4.5-6 mo was the worst sleep of LO’s life by far. Once he got past it, he’s been MUCH better ever since. I think it’s just an adjustment period for them, learning how to sleep like adults.
HM says
Can I use the Merlin even though he rolls? Just to clarify, naps in the daytime are the problem, not nighttime sleep.
LadyNFS says
I have heard Merlin is OK UNLESS kiddo can roll IN the Merlin, which is unsafe. Rolling without Merlin is easier, and stops many kids from rolling.
Anonymous says
If he can’t roll in the suit, you’re fine. Mine could not roll in the suit. He was like the little kid in A Christmas Story – “I can’t put my arms down!”
Anonymous says
Yeah, at that age naps were a mess for our kids. We stopped trying to push crib naps and often just let them nap in their bouncers (with a parent watching) because it wasn’t worth the stress of trying to enforce the crib. At nights they’d sleep 12 hours in their crib no problem, so we figured we weren’t ruining them too badly and at some point after age 1 naps just clicked and now we get 2-hour crib naps where we just put them down awake and say it’s naptime.
anne-on says
Talk to me about paying your nanny taxes (or not). We’re looking for a ‘part time’ (30-35 hr/wk) nanny, and plan to pay employer taxes (we’ll pay state/fed, and split medicare and SS). First – any services that you’d suggest? The agency has one they work with but they don’t require you use it. Second – have you found that insisting on paying taxes (and not grossing up) made you a less desirable employer? We’ll plan to pay in the middle of the band for our area, but taxes are a non-negotiable for us for many personal/professional liability reasons.
If there is already a thread on this someone please feel free to point me there!
Anon says
We pay all our nannies on the books. Nobody we interviewed ever balked at it. We use HomePay for payroll and taxes.
RR says
Same as the other commenter. Nanny is paid on the books, no one we interviewed balked. I love HomePay. Don’t forget workers’ comp. I think HomePay has an affiliated company, although my state is one of 2 that can’t use it, so I had to go directly through BWC for my policy.
Anonymous says
When we had a nanny, we used a payroll service. Similar to you, paying under the table was not an option for us because of our jobs. We were very clear about this in the posting and interviews, and still had plenty of applicants. We’re in the DC area, so many, many people in the area insist on paying on the books. We did have one candidate who hinted that her previous employer had only reported part of her income and she wanted to continue something similar. She seemed like a great caregiver, but that was a no-go for us.
I don’t think taxes in isolation make you a less desirable employer, but you may need to consider paying on the high end because you’re looking for part time. 30-35 hours a week is enough that the nanny probably cannot take another part-time nanny job, so you’re limiting your pool to people who can financially handle less income.
CHL says
We pay on the books and use a local service (The Nanny Tax Company) which is really helpful. I think it did limit us a little as there were some people who didn’t want taxes done, but there were plenty of great people who did. We did run into some weirdness where we had someone who had been a career nanny and “thought” she was doing taxes, but she was billing herself as if she was a daycare company, when she really was a nanny. Once she realized what was actually happening, she was a little confused, but then actually switched the other family she nannies with to do it “the right way.” I think if she had figured it out, it’s possible that she would have asked for a higher hourly rate, but I think what we’re paying her is very much market for where we are.
anon says
As a counterpoint, when I looked for nannies for fewer than FT (I haven’t looked for a FT nanny, but 25-30 hours), I had a lot of people balk at payroll taxes. I had it in the posting, and people would call and when I mentioned it they would balk. It was very frustrating. Most of them balked not because of the taxes itself, but because of some other reason they couldn’t have wages, like disability, food stamps, immigration etc. The ones who didn’t balk were mostly college kids (who I think were expecting to be taxed on the wages?). We ended up going through an agency that handles all the reporting/withholding. This is in the Bay Area.
NYCer says
We have had a similar experience as this. In NYC, not the Bay Area.
Meg says
Yeah, when we were considering a nanny in the Bay Area, we learned from other parents that the market for on the books nannies costs about 25-30% more than cash nannies. Many available nannies are less interested in that option. The pandemic may have slightly changed preferences because at least on the books nannies can file for unemployment (in case of another shutdown).
Batgirl says
I hate how my office is closed but the presumption is that everyone should work from home “if able to.” Given that our daycare is closed, I don’t feel like I am “able to,” but twenty years ago, the fact that the office was closed would have just meant we all got a free day off. Now, I have to take a day off because my kids are home. I’m sure, overall, the benefits of being able to work from home on occasion outweigh the cons but today it sucks!
Anon says
No way I would take a day of vacation when the office is closed. Just monitor email and if there’s a crisis, use screen time or a neighbor high school student to babysit.
anne-on says
+1 – your team may vary but the message I got from my old team in these situations was take any urgent calls, push the calls you can, monitor email, and call it a day but DO NOT take vacation unless you truly plan to be fully and entirely offline.
Anonymous says
Amen.
Wondering though if you could stretch the day out? That is, not take the day off, but work while you can during the day with the kids, and into the evening if needed. Our works allows this type of arrangement but I have definitely been on a conference call or two with my infant crying in the background. An exec frowned on it but too bad, we need those PTO days for other things when you have kids!
Pogo says
If this is snow-related, everyone in my office expects you’re doing the best you can but probably not working a full day. Even those without kids will have to deal with their driveway (if own a home) or digging out their car/snow emergency (if they live downtown/don’t have parking) which can take 2+ hours of your day with a big storm. My boss, who lives in a high rise with a doorman and a covered garage and no kids, is literally the only person I can think of whose day isn’t impacted by a storm and office closure.
OP says
Well, our company has multiple locations and a lot of teleworking. So most of the people I work with are not based in my (closed) office. But I am taking these comments to heart! No PTO for me!
Walnut says
I chose this battle as the hill I was going to die on and succeeded in changing a lot of culture around weather related work from home. No PTO for you, no PTO for your coworkers.
anon says
upon returning from maternity leave i switched roles within my department. i’m in a role where i meet one-on-one with people and they review me every time they walk out the door. i just saw my numbers for the past few months and while they are not terrible, they are lower than most of my colleagues’. (yes, we can all see each other’s ratings. mine are kind of like a B, while they got A/A-). i have slightly different qualifications than some of them do and i know that some of them didn’t want my director to offer me the role and i feel like my ratings are evidence that they were right. i have 7 month old twins and i know that given my lack of sleep i haven’t been performing at my best, but at the same time at work i shouldn’t be excused from performing just because i have kids. like many on this board, i’m the typical overachiever who is accustomed to always doing well, so maybe i just need to accept that this is the season of getting a B at work. I have little risk of being fired, but I just hate feeling like I’m dragging down the team.
anon says
I thought I was doing well back at work after having twins, and no one ever said otherwise, but when the twins were about 9/10 months old, my colleagues all started saying, “wow, you don’t look so tired all the time anymore!” Please understand that “the season” that you speak of may be shorter than you realize.
Anonymous says
You’re in a new role, and have two small babies at home. It’s not surprising that your ratings are slightly lower. With either of those factors, let alone both, it would be very surprising if you had the same ratings as your colleagues. Give yourself six months at least before you worry too much about the discrepancy.
Anonymous says
Consider this, there are only so many calories you can spend in a day. If you’re getting a B at work, those calories are going somewhere else… more important. My boss coached me after having kids to constantly remind myself, B is the new A. You don’t get a pass at work, you still get feedback. But take it in context.
Redux says
What is your job? I have never heard of a system like this and it sounds really demoralizing. What is the purpose?
Anon says
+1
Anon says
Okay, first world problems, but… childcare for three kids ages four, two and newborn. Newborn hasn’t arrived yet. We currently have a nanny but her hours are long and she’d like to cut them back. We are seriously considering doing two shifts of nanny. Someday I’d love to go au pair but probably after the older two are in elementary school? Older two will go to “school” five days a week in the mornings and often have afternoon activities at least 2x a week.
Does anyone have two caregivers? Do they overlap? What schedule did you settle on? I’d love to replace our once a week housekeeping by having them overlap and also one of them do stuff around the house for example, but how to find? And I feel like an afternoon position could be great for a college student, but I’m not even sure how to start hiring for that. Any suggestions from this wise group? Daycares in our (large urban) area have long lists and weird hours and we are trying to keep things as simple for ourselves as possible (ha!)
Anonymous says
I would look for a morning nanny – You might find a SAHM who is interested in 8:30-12:30 or similar – take care of newborn, do some household/kid laundry, prep dinner.
Current nanny could pick up older kids from morning preschool and then take over from morning nanny (like 12-6:30pm or something).
Anonymous says
Mom of 3 infants/toddlers here. Some random thoughts: We do daycare plus an evening nanny. The evening nanny is actually one of the daycare teachers, so check that out as a source for nanny care- many of the teachers are either single and working on teaching certifications so would have availability or in our case our nanny has 3 kids of her own and lives nearby, so ours kids kind of just get added to her family. We kept our housekeeper separate though she has offered to be our nanny. That’s just our personal preference as our kids are pretty rambunctious and daycare tends to wear them out with all the social interaction. I have not had luck with care dot com at all. I have had better luck with Nextdoor and just word of mouth.
Anonymous says
Does your evening nanny do pick up from daycare? This is what we would love to do, but everyone we have found that will be an evening nanny will not provide transportation. If I have to do pick up the evening nanny isn’t as helpful as I would like!
RR says
We almost did. My youngest is in afternoon kindergarten, so she goes to a morning wrap around program, then all three come home on the bus to the nanny. We weren’t sure if she was going to get into the wrap around program, so I got pretty far down the road interviewing morning nannies. I was surprised how many applicants we had. For the summer/after school nanny, we got lots of people in education. For the morning nanny, we got lots of people in healthcare who worked second shift and wanted part time morning work.
I love care.com and have found lots of great options no matter what schedule I’m trying to fill–after school, morning, random two days when regular nanny is on vacation and I’m out of town–all easily filled with great people. I don’t know if it’s luck for my city or not, but I’m a fan.
Care says
Can you tell me how you managed all the incessant emails from Care.com? I may have been doing it wrong, but I tried on two separate occasions to use Care.com. Both times, they sent so many daily emails that I couldn’t stand it. I unsubscribed and they still insisted on daily advertising emails. Not even emails related to my care search, or my postings or responses, but just daily junk emails about how to better use my Care.com account. Customer Service told me the only way to make the emails stop was delete my account. I have a zero tolerance junk email policy, so it may just not be possible– but can you tell me if Care.com has stopped the onslaught of spam?
Anon says
They send a ton of email but so do most online retailers. Delete them? I don’t know, it’s hard for me to imagine not getting lots of spam email in 2019. Everyone does it. And if you unsubscribe from Banana or whatever, they just resubscribe you next time you place an order.
Care says
I get zero spam email; Banana does not resubscribe me with every order, and neither does any retailer– a few emails from the outset can stop that. A few I have had to report to the Better Business Bureau, but most of them will put a permanent stop on resubscribing you, if you ask. I just find it completely unacceptable for spam to command my time and attention, so I don’t allow it. I couldn’t find a workaround for Care.com and it sounds like there isn’t one– thanks for the info.
ITLady says
I have no experience with this, but here’s a quasi hack I use when I give out my email. Gmail lets you append +anytext after your main email address, so for things I don’t want emailing me I give them (regularemail)+spam@ gmail . com. I then have a mail rule that auto deletes anything sent to that email – but you could also make a dedicated care email folder to dump it into. A lot of places won’t allow the + sign, but if they do its a good option. It doesn’t entirely solve the issue…but it at least keeps your inbox clear.
I also believe you can add periods anywhere into your email address and it still delivers, so you could also try that if the + doesn’t work.
OP says
These responses are all really helpful – thank you all! our nanny actually wants to keep mornings so looking for someone for afternoons. Could be good to have this set-up to eventually help with homework? I think our childcare is about to get super expensive, but that makes sense with three kids these ages I guess!
I’m going to start by spamming everyone I know for a referral, but I do think going a care.com route (or whatever’s best in my large southern city) might be the answer since what we are looking for is pretty specific!
Anonymous says
Of course she wants mornings as she only has 1/3 kids then. I would try to negotiate more household duties for current nanny if you are also paying for school and have to get an afternoon/evening nanny and morning nanny only has to take care of one kid.
Anonymous says
Best pool floatie for a 12 month old? I like the puddle jumper for my toddler, but they are too big for the 12 month old (she’s long but lean). We’ll be at beach resort for a few days and she’ll be in my or DH’s arms in the pool, so not concerned about it being an independent flotation device as much as relieving our arms from some weight! Want something she can move around in or kick in. What floaties do you guys recommend?
Also, any recs for something we can take for her to enjoy the beach? I’m assuming she’ll hate to sit in the sand but wouldn’t mind eating it…
Anonymous says
At that age, we had the best luck with ones kiddo would sit in. We’d stand right by her and hold onto it. There’s not much pre-puddle jumper as far as wearables go except for an infant life jacket.
Extra Embryos says
After using science to have kids, my husband and I have ended up with extra frozen embryos. Our family is as big as we want it to be, so we have three options with respect to the remaining embryos: 1. discard, 2. donate to science (to be used to train doctors/staff or for stem cell research), or 3. donate to another couple. Does anyone have experience with option 3? And more specifically, does anyone have experience with a situation where the donors donated to a couple they knew? Part of me feels like donating to someone struggling with infertility would be a wonderful thing to do — the other part of me is a little concerned about how I’d feel knowing that my kids’ biological sibling was out there, being raised by someone else (even — or maybe especially because — I’d know who exactly was raising them).
Anonymous says
Your concern is why I went with option 2. If my sister had needed them I would have given them to her but no one else. I’m just not comfortable with it.
Notsure says
We are on the same boat – I have been stalled that the decision as to what to do with the embryo. Right now I’m thinking of donating to science.
Anonymous says
Option 4 – you could do a compassionate cycle where you implant the embryo at a time you wouldn’t normally get pregnant in your cycle. But obviously this comes at cost, and the small chance it actually sticks!!
I do not have experience with this but I would be extremely uncomfortable having my biological child out in the world. I would donate to science.
Anonymous says
Omg that’s a thing?!? That just sounds like straight up torture.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry that sounds SO weird. How is that better than just destroying it?
Extra Embryos says
I have heard of Option 4 and neglected to include it in the original list of options above. My understanding is that this route is generally taken by more religious individuals (my husband and I are not religious) who believe this method more appropriately honors the embryo. I don’t mean any offense to anyone if I’m not fully capturing the reasoning behind this option. It’s just not an option for us because I really, really, really don’t want to risk becoming pregnant again.
Anon says
Yeah there’s no way I would put myself through that – physically, financially and emotionally – just to avoid destroying it. And there’s some chance you get a baby and it sounds like OP is 100% sure her family is complete.
RR says
We didn’t end up with frozen embryos after either of our IVF cycles, but we would have done option 2.
Extra Embryos says
OK, so glad to hear that I’m not alone in our concerns. Maybe my husband is a more evolved human being than I am, but he really thinks it would be a great thing to donate to another couple. And again, I don’t disagree with him in theory, but maybe he’s under-estimating the complexity of the situation or my feelings are just different than his on this point. I also wonder if the donated embryo — when he/she is grown up and potentially finds out his/her origin story — will question why he/she was donated but the other embryos we raised as part of our family. Oof.
anon for this says
Yeah, I originally was more into donating, until I actually HAD a child. Then the thought of a child of mine being out in the world and not knowing what was happening to him or her just killed me.
I’m definitely leaning towards Option 2. They came from science, and to science they shall return.
(due to hyperstimulation and PCOS I have, as one nurse put it, “an entire soccer team!” in the freezer, so my situation is perhaps even more stressful than someone who has 1 or 2 that they might actually use someday).
anon says
I donated (eggs, not embryos, but similar concept). It was known donation and one of the best things I’ve ever done. We keep in touch, I get pictures of their little girl, etc. My take on this is that either you are built to do this or you aren’t. The trick is that a lot of people have mildly conflicting feelings about it, as you seem to do. Sit with it for a while and see where you are in six months. It’s not like the embryos are going anywhere. My personal feeling on it is that I do not “own” the children that may or may not result from my gametes, and I could make someone else’s life immeasurably richer and solve a really painful problem for them, so why wouldn’t I?
anon says
Oh, and same anon as above — I know someone who didn’t like any of the options you are considering. So instead they removed the embryos from storage, took them home, and had a quiet little ceremony just the two of them. I think they just lit a candle and opened the vials and let them defrost. It felt more meaningful to them than just signing the paper to have them destroyed.
Anon says
One additional point to consider as well is with the advent of services like 23 and me, even if you donate anonymously, there’s a not insignificant chance a child born from the embryo could find you. There was an interesting peice in Time a few weeks back about a woman who found out in her forties that her dad was not her dad and the sperm doner who was assured anonymity was found. I think you have to assume in today’s time and with current and foreseeable future technology, that any kid would be able to track you down. All it takes is one of your relatives putting their DNA into one of those databases.
IHeartBacon says
I don’t have any advice, but I wanted to point out one more thought: you will have zero control over whether the donated embryo will come looking for you when s/he becomes an adult and that s/he may find you. S/he may want to know her/his 100% blood-relative siblings. In making your decision, you and your husband should consider how you would feel about having to tell your current children about the situation.
KW says
For the same reasons articulated by others, we decided on Option 2. I can’t handle the idea of our bio child being raised by someone else. And but for science, our child would not be here, so it feels like an appropriate way to give back.
Anonymous says
We’re leaning towards option 2, but are also currently just paying the storage fees to postpone this decision.
Anonymous says
I need to vent. My husband hasn’t been able to walk since last Tuesday. He has pain in his ankle which we thought was gout. He wouldn’t go to the doctors thinking it would go away. We went to the walk-in over the weekend they can’t test for gout there, etc. They diagnosed as a sprained ankle (but he didn’t do anything to cause it to be that way) Now he’s going to PCP today. He is a hard patient, very stubborn etc. I have been dealing with symptoms of depression myself and then got my period yesterday which is always a emotional roller coaster for me. On top of it all we are flying to FL on Wednesday to visit my parents for a week and we are staying with them which causes me angst as well. I can imagine myself going through the airport with a 2 year old in a stroller and husband not able to walk, etc. Just need to vent thanks for listening and if you have any words of encouragement they would be much appreciated.
Anon says
I would call the airport and give them the sprained ankle diagnosis you have and ask for a wheelchair/wheeled transport. Then all of you can get driven around and it’s one less thing to worry about.
anon says
I recently flew to Florida with my one-year old and a husband who had trouble walking from a knee injury! I thought the wheelchair was going to be helpful but the person took us through the non-Precheck lane (despite our protests!) and then literally all of our bags got pulled out for not complying to tsa regulations. It cost us a ton of time and stress and we really wished we had sort of cobbled through the airport on our own instead. If I had to do it over, I would check literally everything but our backpacks and the travel stroller. If you get there early, you can try to flag down one of those carts to get you where you need to go if it is far.
OR don’t go if your going to be stressed! That is a valid option. Blame your husband’s injury.
Aunt Jamesina says
Can/would your husband be willing to stay at home? It sounds like a lot more stress for everyone for him to go– and depending on what his ankle issue is, he might not be able to go anyway.
anon says
planning ahead for a 6 hour drive (including a stop) with one year old twins. given where my kids tend to fall on sleep schedules, i’m guessing they will still be on 2 naps when we make the trip. would you drive during the day or would you drive at night, leaving an hour before bedtime and then pray the transfer to the cribs at the hotel goes ok? we’ve flown with them before, but we’ve never taken a long driving trip.
Anonymous says
If they’re good sleepers, I’d maximize the sleeping time to the extent you feel it is safe. I wouldn’t want to be driving past 11:30-midnight, but that’s just me.
Anon says
Do they sleep well in convertible carseats? Most kids outgrow the bucket seat by that age, and my daughter slept beautifully in an infant seat, but can’t sleep well in any convertible carseat (we’ve tried 3 or 4). She’s 13 months now and road trips are a lot harder for us than plane trips, because on a plane she can nurse often and be entertained so she may not be sleeping but at least she’s happy-ish. She’s miserable being confined to the carseat for long stretches.
Anonymous says
We always drive at night for road trips with our 3 yo and 1.5 yo. Our experience with driving during the day has been the motion of the car puts them to sleep, they over sleep and then we had kids awake at 3am in our beach condo rental “partying” with their 7 and 9 yo cousins watching YouTube videos! Ugh.
SC says
I would drive during the day. We’ve tried the night driving a few times, and my kid is too stimulated by oncoming car lights and bright signs to fall asleep in the car at night. Then we suffer the consequences of him not getting his night time sleep, which are far worse than him skipping a nap.
My kid can nap in the car during the day though. We make a 4-5-hr drive a few times a year, and we’ve done a 10-hr road trip. We’ve had great success leaving just before nap time, getting a good nap in, stopping for food and exercise, and entertaining him for the second half. To be honest, one was probably the hardest age because he wasn’t into screens yet. The iPad (around 2.5 yo) was definitely a game changer–but we only use it at the end of the trip because once he’s bored with that, nothing can make him happy.
Anon. says
This has been our strategy when driving the 6 hours to my parents. Leave right before nap time hoping for a long nap. Stop roughly half way for snacks and time to run around. Entertainment for the latter half – books, silly songs, whatever I can throw at him from the front passenger seat.
Anon says
+1. My 1 yo is a good sleeper (12 hours straight at night plus two naps) but won’t sleep in the car. She does fine if she misses a nap. She goes to bed slightly early and maybe sleeps slightly longer than normal, but otherwise we barely notice a missed nap at this point. She does not do fine if she misses 6+ hours of nighttime sleep.
Anonymous says
We do this a lot, but kiddo is a little older and naps right after lunch. So we often actually do lunch in the car and then plan to start the nap. Eating lunch keeps kiddo pretty entertained for that extra 30-45 minutes (we drag is out a little). With one year old twins, that might be too much work and logistically difficult. But just throwing it out there because we have good luck with it.
AnotherAnon says
Our families live 5 hours away and we normally try to leave right at bedtime; LO (currently 22 months) falls asleep and the transfer to crib at in-laws or parents goes fine. We have left at naptime before with some success – usually he is bored and grumpy the last hour of the trip though (and who can blame him).
Pogo says
I think this is a know your kiddo thing, but I’d drive at night and transfer to crib when you arrive. Daytime driving when my kid is awake does not go well. The only method I have consistently found to keep him entertained is slowly feeding him one goldfish at a time.
Caveat, we’d never do a 6-hour drive b/c that’s beyond my personal driving limit.
GCA says
Somewhat radical option: If they sleep well in the car, could you leave at 2am and have them sleep through till they get up for the day? That way you get the bulk of their night sleep in (and yours!), but they get a chance to snooze till sunup. If they’re up early you can stop for breakfast and coffee and let them run around a bit till it’s time for their first nap. We did this for a 10h drive (12ish with stops) when my first was 7 months and again when he was 1.5.
SC says
My parents did this on road trips with me through my teenage years. They are morning people, and I am not. They’d get me into the car at like 4 am, I’d go back to sleep in the back, and I’d wake up at like 10 am when we stopped at Cracker Barrel for breakfast. By then, we were half-way to my grandparents’ house. I’m pretty sure that as a teenager, I’d even skip the Cracker Barrel and sleep in the car until like 11.
This plan wouldn’t work for me, personally, because DH and I can’t fall asleep until like midnight, and 2 am is a no-go for us. DH in particular would be miserable. He won’t even let me schedule early flights.
Anonymous says
Neither of my kids will sleep longer than a 45 min stretch in the car (ages 5 mo and 4 years). Skipping night sleep is worse than nap, so we just do daytime driving. Now the big one will sometimes doze off in the car (which he wouldn’t do as a toddler…) and be up later at night once we get there, but so be it.
nanny with her own child says
What are the insurance ramifications of hiring a nanny to watch our children in our home who would bring her own child with her? We’re considering a woman to watch our almost-three-year-old twins who would bring her 9-month-old along. The house is still childproofed, but how do we handle the liability aspect? Would we need special insurance beyond homeowners and some kind of workers’ comp?
Anonymous says
I’d ask your insurance company! Haha. They’ll be able to give better answers. It depends on the state, but I believe if it’s less than 4 kids then it’s not an in home daycare (which you would need special coverage for)
AnoninBigLaw says
We had family friends that were on the receiving end of option 3. They adopted the embryos and now have two beautiful children. They keep in touch with the donors and send texts back and forth every once in awhile and remark how much the siblings in the two different families look like each other. Our friends and the donors did not know each other ahead of time. I think it’s easier that way than donating to someone close to you where you will constantly be comparing/contrasting.
Extra Embryos says
Thanks for sharing this experience! Do you know if your friends were somehow vetted by the donor family? Part of the appeal of donating to someone I know is the comfort of knowing (or at least reasonably believing) that they will be good parents.
Anon says
Where in Europe would you recommend for travel with a toddler? We want to go to Europe in late spring/early summer with a ~15-16 month old. Currently Paris, Lisbon, Florence are the top contenders – thoughts on those cities or other places we should be considering? We have non-stop flights to Paris and Lisbon from our home airport. We’ve been to Paris and other parts of Italy several times before, so main agenda in Paris or Florence would be relaxing and eating. I’ve heard Lisbon is also a city with good food and a lot to enjoy in a low-key way (ie we wouldn’t feel like we haven’t seen the city if we don’t spend a lot of time in museums). But I’ve heard Lisbon isn’t super stroller friendly? The only city we really want to avoid is Amsterdam because we have plans to go there in 2020 with other family members. And I’m not a huge fan of Scandinavian cities (although I like the more rural, scenic areas in Norway/Sweden).
Anonymous says
Lisbon would be an absolute nightmare with a stroller. Extremely hilly. Just don’t do it. If you’ve been to Paris, consider Provence. Beautiful weather for playing in parks and eating outside.
shortperson says
we brought a 12 month old to berlin and it was great. very baby friendly. we brought her to a michelin star fancy pants restaurant and they were really nice about it and fed her a lot of fancy pretzels.
AK says
A second for Germany — our two year old ate almost nothing but bread (amazing, wonderful, delicious bread) when we were in Germany, but he loved it! We also found Berlin to be very kid-friendly. If your child is old enough for parks & playgrounds, they were all over the place in every town we stayed in Germany.
Seafinch says
I was also going to recommend Germany. I love the historical significance of Berlin but it is not a very picturesque city. I took a mobile ten month old there years ago and we took two toddlers there frequently when we lived in Germany. The Zoo and The Aquarium are good stops. I actually think for strolling, boat rides, great food, scenery etc, you cannot beat Hamburg. Very kid friendly with loads of parks and water play. The Madison Hotel has amazing suites with a little private bedroom (The Adina and the Citadel are also good).
Anonymous says
Another vote for Germany. We went with our 18-month old and had a blast in Munich and the southern countryside. Everything was so baby-friendly…cushy changing tables everywhere we went, etc.
Anonymous says
We just did Lisbon with 22-month old twins and loved it. We did not bring a stroller (though we saw a few tourists who did) and that was definitely the better choice for us, given the stairs and narrow cobblestones sidewalks. We used SSC to carry them around the city and they usually walked around inside museums/squares/churches/etc. Given that my kids are not content to spend the entire day in the stroller anyway, I’m glad I didn’t have an empty stroller to push around when they wanted to walk. The best part of Lisbon (and probably all of Portugal) was that literally every one we encountered loved kids so we never at all felt like the toddlers were being a nuisance if they got restless while waiting for lunch or wanted to walk in circles around a museum.
If you can’t imagine traveling without a stroller, through, I don’t recommend Lisbon, but we took our double umbrella stroller to Paris when the twins were 13 months and it was totally fine there. Paris also has really nice playgrounds every few blocks, whereas they were harder to find in Lisbon. I haven’t been to Florence with kids, so remember it as being a nice city with good food, but no idea how good a toddler destination it is.
AwayEmily says
My long down coat is on its last legs — I’m hoping to get a new one on sale at the end of this season. So, two questions: (1) any specific recommendations? and (2) where/when are the good sales on this type of thing?
The coat does need to be fairly warm because I walk 30 minutes to/from work in temperatures that can dip into the single digits.
AIMS says
I got a coat at Uniqlo this year not expecting it to be terribly warm but just because I hated my existing puffy coat and wanted something reasonably priced while I looked for the “perfect” one and I’m surprised by how warm it turned out to be. I basically abandoned my search for the time being.
As for where else, I have always had great luck at places like Bloomingdales around this time of year.
Anonymous says
I live in NYC and love my Uniqlo coat. It is warm!
anon says
Eddie Bauer has sales on their winter coats. I like the Sun Valley parka and the Astoria down coat. The parka will be warmer, but the Astoria packs down.
Lands End is another good option.
Anonymous says
I got an amazing deal on a Patagonia 3-in-one at Backcountry dot com in the middle of the summer a few years back. It is super warm.
Anon says
I love, love, love my stadium squall (mid calf length) from Lands End. I bought it in 2005 for college in Chicago (from the midatlantic) and finally updated it 3 years ago (in DC) with a new one (one size up, and in a tall finally). Midcalf – critical for walking outdoors, not super puffy and I got it in a pretty eggplant color. In DC it doesn’t really get cold enough to justify wearing it, but it’s perfect for the windy and cold days or if I don’t want to wear a gazillion layers under my short ski jacket.
AwayEmily says
thank you! now I kind of wish I had gotten a Uniqlo one during their pre-Christmas sales. Will keep an eye out on Backcountry, LandsEnd, and Eddie Bauer.
avocado says
I just have to brag. It’s a snow day here and my 12-year-old talked me into letting her stay home instead of going to after-school for the day. So far she has studied for a quiz, baked (and cleaned up) delicious mini chocolate cakes, and planned the dinner she is going to cook for us, all while letting me work with minimal interruption. Big kids are awesome.
DLC says
This is an awesome, light-at-the-end-of-the- toddler-tunnel thing to hear! Go you for raising such a kid.
SC says
That’s awesome!
Anon says
I just rearranged conference calls so I could take my toddler outside to run around in the snow before naptime for 45 minutes because SO. MUCH. ENERGY. Good to know there’s hope.
Anonymous says
Big kids *are* awesome. My big one is only 5 but legit can be home for hours and i don’t know she’s there. She has “crafternoons” and recently when preschool was closed for Reasons made an entire neighborhood out of boxes that she painted/decorated, then spent another hour putting dolls in.
EB0220 says
My 6 year old is the same. She can be around the house for hours and I would never know except for the trails of glitter.
AnotherAnon says
Do any of you have experience/advice for taking maternity leave as a contractor with no PTO?
Anon says
I’ve done it. The pro was that I was able to take a longer leave than the maternity leave offered to paid employees (we were fortunate that we could afford for me to take unpaid leave in the first place, though). I took slightly more than 5 months vs the paid 16 weeks that my employer offered FT employees. The con was that it was obviously unpaid, but I knew that in advance and DH and I set aside money to cover it.
Before I left, I negotiated my return date and also had what was essentially a signed “offer letter” in place between myself and my employer/client that spelled out the dates and terms of my return, so everyone was on the same page.
hair says
My hair has been looking like shit. Any advice? Can’t get keratin because I am nursing. I am considering weekly blow-outs because it seems to be the only solution (although an expensive one!!)
CPA Lady says
Two things:
1. A haircut that works with your texture – ask your hairdresser if you don’t know what this would be
2. Weekly deep conditioning if you have dry or coarse hair (I use Aussie 5 Minute Miracle which is about $3 a tube and works great)
Ifiknew says
Not sure if you are still. Reading but I got the dyson airwrap for Christmas and it’s been lkfr changing. I only use the straight brush because I’m clueless with hair and my hair is so smooth. It’s pricey but no more than good keratin treatments a few times. It takes me 10 mins to dry and straighten vs. Taking over 30 before which I never did because you know kids.
anon says
My preschooler told my mom that she didn’t think I loved her as much as her sister. This breaks my heart. I love both of my kids but of course the younger one ends up getting more attention because they are less self-sufficient. Would love any suggestions on how I can show my preschooler how much I love her.
Anonymous says
One-on-one time with big sis. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy–library, park, walking the dog, Starbucks, bookstore, even grocery shopping.
AnotherAnon says
+1 to an activity that’s just for the the two of you. It doesn’t have to be elaborate either. My dad would rotate taking one of us to breakfast every Saturday (there were four of us). I picked Jack in the Box a lot…bless him.
anon says
There’s a thing from Siblings Without Rivalry, I think, where you tell the baby to wait so the bigger kid can hear and internalize it. Like, if the little one is making noise in the highchair, you say, “Ok Little One, please wait a minute while I get Bigger One something to drink.” I don’t know what your kids’ ages are, but that’s one tactic so the bigger one isn’t only seeing when she is being sidelined.
Anonymous says
+1
I always verbalized it when baby had to wait while i helped toddler.
anon says
you could also give her a card and have it come with the mail. lots of kiddos think getting mail is super fun
Anonymous says
Yes, my husband made personalized card for both of our kids when one of them had a birthday, and they both really loved getting something specially made for them by their dad.
I also agree on the one-on-one outings.
DLC says
Can you ask the pre-schooler why they feel that way and act on her response? I feel that sometimes when my eldest says the same thing it is that she doesn’t feel like she is being heard and so even if I adjust my behaviour, it doesn’t register to her because I am not truly responding to the specifics that are bothering her.
Canadian says
Give me your best Netflix/prime shows for mat leave! I have finished and loved Jane the Virgin (don’t judge a show by its name, it was great) and the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Any recommendations along those lines? (Ie fun shows that aren’t hard to follow along)
Anonymous says
I started Mozart in the Jungle (Prime) recently and so far it fits those critera.
Anon says
I like Younger and The Bold Type. They’re very similar – both are light and fluffy and fun, kind of like SATC but set in the modern era (with Tinder etc) and a younger cast. Superstore is another good one – workplace comedy in the vein of The Office.
ElisaR says
The bachelor! I watched a season when I was on mat leave and wish I could watch the current season but it’s just not possible.
SG says
Derry Girls (Netflix, LOVE)
Kim’s Convenience (Netflix)
Crazy Ex Girlfriend (Netflix, first 2 seasons are better than rest)
Veep (Prime)
lsw says
Don’t know if you have Hulu, but I just blasted through Killing Eve and thoroughly enjoyed it.
My Netflix favorites: Supernatural, Pretty Little Liars (I’m addicted, in season 5), MST3K’s new season, anything Great British Baking Show related.
anon. says
I LOVED JtV also – along those lines, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is mind blowing. I loved every minute.
Anon says
Nailed it. (NF)
The new Marie Kondo show. (NF)
Anonymous says
I adore the first two seasons of The Crown. I totally identify with the character of the Queen as someone who has massive responsibility with zero actual power, is surrounded by people who are trying to manipulate her, and has a whiny husband who complains about being emasculated by his wife’s career. Not exactly light, but surprisingly relatable and so very satisfying to watch.
Blueberries says
The Letdown is funny and captures mat leave pretty accurately.
Em says
Second Derry Girls – LOVED it. I am currently watching Lucifer and like it a lot.
SF says
I’m sorry – Netflix
Yikes says
So, I went the link and watched the video. I am absolutely convinced my hair would (1) get caught in this, (2) end up a rat’s nest, or (3) both. I’m guessing option 3.
ElisaR says
agree. this post kind of irked me. it’s the whole “I read a bunch of reviews and people like this product but I have never personally even seen it in real life – you should try it!” that bugs me.
Thin wool socks for kids says
Can anyone recommend a brand for thin wool socks? I bought merino socks (can’t recall brand right now) that are nice but super thick, but my kids’ feethave grown and there’s not enough room in their boots for thick socks. Id rather buy new socks than new boots.
AnotherAnon says
SmartWool, Icebreaker.
Anon says
For an adult – Smartwool, but given how fast kids feet grow, it would probably pain me to pay that much for kiddo socks. They will likely hold up through multiple kiddos though, so probably have handmedown value at least.
Suburbs or City says
My partner and I have been having the city v. suburb debate a lot lately since we have a 1yo and have started thinking about schools and living. We bought our place in an east coast city right when I got pregnant and I thought it was pretty safe area but there have been some break-ins around us which have been freaking me out since he travels sometimes for work. I am a big public school advocate in the city because of the diversity and I really don’t want my kids raised in a cookie cutter suburb (and because I would need to use public transit only a few non cookie cutter suburbs are convenient to both of our offices). We wouldn’t move for a few years but would living in the suburbs make me feel safer if I am alone with our kid? Does a dog help? I might just hope that I can still enroll my kid outside of school in activities with diversity?
AnotherAnon says
Repost this again in the morning but for now a few things to consider: how often does he travel? What type of break ins? If they’re car break ins or snatch and run I wouldn’t be as concerned as if they are assault. Yes, a dog would help but that’s like having two one year olds. I wouldn’t move to the suburbs solely due to a crime spree but YMMV.
OP says
He is litigator so some months he might travel for hearing one or two days while others he might be away for 3 weeks for a trial. Our families both are not nearby but and sometimes help when he is away but not always. They were house break-ins (but occurred in the streets around me – we live in a gentrifying neighborhood). We definitely wouldn’t be able to take care of a dog with our current jobs, that would be more if we move to suburbs and I switch jobs. Something like this wouldn’t have scared me when I lived alone in the past (or even when I was pregnant), but since the baby my attitude has totally changed.