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Post-baby, we had A-LOT of bottles — some in the fridge, some in the dishwasher, and some drying.
For the ones drying, this space saving drying rack from OXO would have been handy — its compact design makes use of vertical space with nine angled hooks for bottles and sippy cups. There’s also a top compartment for drying lids, nipples, and other small parts. Everything comes apart for easy cleaning.
This would be especially good for drying parts at the office.
This drying rack is $23.99 at Bed Bath & Beyond. It is also available on Amazon.
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Kid/Family Sales
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DLC says
I love love this bottle rack. It was one of the few things we bought for my third kid and one of the few pieces of baby gear I rave about. I wish it had been around for the first two. The rack we had for the first kid was so took up so much space and got gross so quickly that we didn’t even use a rack for the second. And this rack is still in use today even though we haven’t used a bottle in two years- it’s great for drying all manner of kids’ cups and water bottles and other containers and also we use it to dry out Ziploc bags that we rinse and reuse.
Anon says
Agree! I have this rack and also the drying rack that looks like grass. This rack is far superior and I have used it every day for almost a year.
Waffles says
My hair is air-dried and messy-looking. Anyone have the Dyson Airwrap? How often do you use it?
Anonymous says
It’s a major step up from air drying! Like if you’re not willing to regular blowdry you will never use the air wrap.
Anne-on says
I find the regular dyson dryer easier to use than the air wrap fwiw. I think if you’re looking for a curling iron you’d be better off getting one of those. The dryer I mainly use for the diffuser and to straighten my (wavy verging on curly) hair.
Anonymous says
You didn’t ask, but I have a Hot Tools hairbrush dryer thingy and it works great. It doesn’t look quite as good as a professional blow out, but it’s really easy to use and fairly fast.
Anonymous says
link: https://www.amazon.com/HOT-TOOLS-Professional-Dryer-Volumizer/dp/B07SH1MKZ6
Anonymous says
I have the airwrap and I love it. Use it every day. I agree that if you are only going to use it to straighten your hair – get a cheaper dryer brush. But if you are going to use the curling wands, get it.
I have Chin length, very thin hair. I dry my hair about 70% (with air wrap dryer attachment), then use curling wands to curl/ dry the rest of the way. It takes less time than just drying with a brush, and it looks better. My hair doesn’t look curly – it just looks like I had a skilled blow out. Which trust me – I have no skills. It did take me a few weeks to perfect my technique. But even in those early weeks my hair didn’t look worse that before! It just took some time to get it right. To get a similar result prior to the air wrap I would blow dry my hair with a brush, then use a flat iron for curls/ body. Which took a LOT longer and fried my hair (and my fingers).
I think for folks with thicker hair or more hair skills the air wrap is over kill. But for me it’s been great. It is super expensive. So it’s kind of hard to make the jump! But I found it is totally worth it.
Waffles says
Thanks so much, all! This is really helpful.
Smalll says
I have a bright spunky 4.5 year old girl. She is taking a toll on me. Everything is an argument or us having to ask 10 times or things like chasing her around the house to put on sunscreen. She is an only. We are older parents. We have made some mistakes with both yelling and giving in to her. We have an appt to see a parenting therapist (both me and H) soon.
Reading the thread yesterday made me a bit sad. I don’t often love spending time with my child these days. This is coming off of a long trip with family including a rule following quiet child with far less energy of the same age (so couldn’t help comparing plus I know (overheard) family was judging our choices to allow certain things vs ww3 that would result) My pediatrician says my daughter is developmentally normal and she has never had problems in school or camp (instead, gets props for being a helper and an award for being sweet). I have observed her listening and follows the teachers in swim and gymnastics classes (and seems to really enjoy these things).
I guess I am asking for commiseration and it gets better stories from those with similar children – high energy, stubborn and strong of will. A fighter. A random stranger at a restaurant told me that there is a high ceiling for her – if I can survive this. Maybe I need a weekend away. Or tips to end the arguing.
Anonymous says
1) you probably do need a weekend away. 2) that thread also made me kinda sad, because my oldest and I are the most similar and get along well, but lately he and i have been getting into it: yelling, attitude, meltdowns, the whole works. He’s 5. I know it’s stress due to his younger brothers, and normal kid development that’s causing a lot of our conflict. I love him and his brothers and I genuinely like spending one on one time with each of them, but I don’t always want to be around them. You’re definitely not alone.
anon says
Big hugs to you. I have that kid. Things that work with most kids (including my younger one) backfired spectacularly with my high-energy spirited one. He is 12 now. Still stubborn as a mule at times, still requires way more from us as parents than we have to give at times, if I’m really being honest. But he’s smart, and charming, and extremely creative. He has a mind that doesn’t quit. Thankfully, he’s finally learning some perspective and it’s not WW3 every time we say no.
It’s OK to not enjoy your kid at every moment. And I think it’s great that you’re going to therapy and getting some new ideas on how to parent your kid, because believe me, I KNOW that raising this type of child is anything but easy and will fray your nerves. I have had some less-than-flattering thoughts about parenthood simply because it is so hard with him. Our younger kid isn’t super easygoing or anything, but she is just much, much easier to parent, and therefore more enjoyable to be around on a daily. Yep, I said it. I can’t pat myself on the back for her being easier to parent, any more than I can blame myself for my other kid being harder to parent. Some of this really is innate. Your friends are clueless and probably lucky, I’m sorry to say.
The one thing I wish I’d learned sooner with my older kiddo is to not give in to the drama. It’s much harder with a 4.5 year old than an older kid, but I have zero issue with saying something along the lines of, “We’ve made our decision. It’s not up for debate. I’m not discussing it further.” And just shutting it down. Of course that’s not the end of the discussion, he will still continue to push. His therapist has given us full permission to remove ourselves from the situation BEFORE we lose our sh!t.
And all of this is 10 times harder when we’re on vacation and he’s out of his routine.
Anonymous says
+1 million to not giving in to the drama. Trying to reason with them or soothe their big feelings just fans the flames.
SC says
+1 to not giving into the drama. Our child’s play therapist actually suggested the script in this post to me and DH in our last parent consult call. Apparently, we over-explain, and all the back-and-forth sends the message that it’s up for debate.
anon says
Yeah, we were definitely doing that. Lesson learned!
Anon says
Hugs. My daughter is similar though maybe not quite as intense (also 4.5 and an only child). I hear you, it can definitely be exhausting. My kid really turned a corner around 4, so maybe there’s hope that a behavioral leap is coming soon? I will also say that modern “gentle parenting” has never worked for us. My daughter needs (often sternly enforced) rules and limits, timeouts when she’s really out of control, and has always done better calming down on her own vs. with us. We are not afraid to take away screen time or other fun things for bad behavior even if it’s not a “natural” consequence. (The one thing we try to avoid taking away is books and reading time, because that’s important.) I pretty much just ignore all the online parenting experts like Dr Becky and Big Little Feelings because I know their techniques won’t work for us, but it can definitely be hard because so many people make it seem like that’s the only right way to parent.
anon says
Sending lots of validation that the gentle parenting approaches have only worked for us in small doses. We also have lots of rules and limits. Some of the Dr Becky approaches have only fanned the flames and reinforced some negative behaviors. Cannot even imagine what our home life would be like if we didn’t have consequences. And yet sometimes I still feel bad that I’m not taking a different approach and hope that I’m not emotionally screwing up my kids.
Anonymous says
I was this kid and survived normal not gentle parenting unscathed. My parents never hit, but they yelled and there was time out. And I for sure yelled back! I still feel that wild kid inside me. I’m noted for being calm but I feel the wildness like a bird in my chest sometimes.
Anonymous says
Authoritative parenting is the approach that works best for the widest range of kid personalities, and a lot of gentle parenting is at odds with authoritative parenting. Gentle parenting is just the latest in the line of trendy parenting philosophies (e.g., attachment parenting) that dehumanize mothers and make the child the center of the universe. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be a teacher with a roomful of kids who have been exposed to gentle parenting at home, and I hope I have retired by the time they hit the work force.
Anon 10:32 says
Yeah, I like to think we’re more authoritative than authoritarian (as were my parents) but a lot of it is definitely at odds with modern gentle parenting. I joke in earnest that we’re 1980s-style gentle parents (no spanking, rarely yelling, respecting kids and empathizing with kids’ big emotions) but not 2020s gentle parenting which is this whole crazy movement where if you say “put your shoes on right now or we’re not going to the park” you’re an abusive monster.
Anon says
This is a really common misperception but true gentle/respectful parenting IS authoritative. The parent is the strong leader and there absolutely need to be rules and consequences (but logical consequences that tie to the offense, not arbitrary ones). I know Janet Lansbury gets maligned on this board a lot, but she is a huge proponent of boundaries (and letting kids cry if they don’t like them!). You don’t need to have huge lovey-dovey-feelings conversations about every little thing, but you do want to try to understand your child’s response and treat them kindly. Gentle parenting is NOT permissive parenting.
Rather than the internet experts du jour, I recommend the classic books like no drama discipline, the whole-brained child, and raising your spirited child. The one exception is Mary Van Geffen on Instagram – she is a great resource for those of us with spicy kids! (I have two..it is hard.)
Anon says
I’m not saying that the origins of gentle parenting theory are inherently permissive, but it has definitely become that way in the modern era. I have friends of friends in gentle parenting groups (online and IRL) and they would 1000% be horrified by how I parent. That New Yorker article Boston Legal Eagle shared the other day was also interesting, and drew a distinction between authoritative parenting and gentle parenting. They are quite different, at least as understood by the vast majority of people today. And that understanding is definitely perpetuated by online “experts” like BLF. I agree Lansbury is not as permissive, although none of her suggestions have ever worked for us and her book felt mom-shamey to me, like it’s your fault if the methods don’t work. Because heaven forbid someone admit that different kids need different parenting methods!
Anon says
There was a scene at the beginning of Station Eleven where the very millennial adult tells a child that he’s not going to make a decision for her. It’s her choice. Her reply was “I’m nine.” The actor did a great job showing the wheels turning as he realizes that she’s asking him to take responsibility.
I was pretty demand avoidant as a child and didn’t trust all the adults in my life to make good decisions. (In all honesty, I wasn’t always wrong!) But it’s stressful for kids to be put totally in charge and asked to bear the full weight of their choices.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I posted that article on the drawbacks of gentle parenting. I do like the idea of acknowledging and welcoming kids’ strong emotions, but I do think that certain behavior needs to be handled more “harshly” and with more consequences for certain kids. As with everything, you have to parent the kid you have, and this can look different even for kids in the same house. But that doesn’t sell books.
Waffles says
I have a kid like this. Kindergarten helped with socioemotional learning. It also helped me keep things in perspective because I knew that she wasn’t the most difficult child in the class.
I don’t enjoy conflict. My kid got used to hearing me announce that I need alone time. I walk away from arguments if the outcome doesn’t really matter. I also announce natural consequences and have her make decisions for herself if the consequences are not too dire.
She’s six now, and things did get easier. It helps that she knows I’m on her side. When things get really bad, I sometimes just refuse to fight and hug her, saying I love you, I love you, I love you… and then we go have a snack.
anon says
We’re in precisely the same boat, just shy of 4.5. Worse yet is she has a cousin 4 months older who is the most calm, emotionally stable 4.5 year old I’ve ever met. My sister isn’t doing anything remarkably different – we have very similar styles, they’re just different kids. We see them all the time and it’s really hard to not compare and then feel like I’ve totally failed. The major different in daily lives is my kiddo has a nanny (who kiddo is an absolute angel for) and two Mon-Fri 50+ hour work week parents. Meanwhile, sister and BIL are first responders (nurse and firefighter). They’re definitely full time, but work long shifts and fewer days per week, so they’re with the kids a ton more. If they plan well, they can both be with the kids for up to like 8-9 days straight. I keep thinking the only variable is me (and DH) working and it’s all on us.
So, OP, I feel you. When DD is great, she’s a joy. But just this weekend we had two drop down, drag out tantrums about leaving her cousin’s house, one Friday night and one Sunday night. Clever little thing went as far as hiding under the middle of the trampoline one night bc she knew we wouldn’t go crawl in after her (we did, eventually) and the second night, she went to the top of the three-tired swing set, also assuming we wouldn’t go in after her. That one actually was successful, we couldn’t fit up there but Angel Cousin coerced her out. Sigh.
I have faith it’s a phase and she’ll grow out of it. You’re not alone, whatever solace that offers you. You’re doing your best, and so am I, defeated as we both may feel.
Anonymous says
Nah, the variable that makes a difference here is inborn personality.
AwayEmily says
It is DEFINITELY not you. My oldest is 6 and she is empathetic, calm, patient, etc. Hasn’t thrown a tantrum in her life. My 4.5yo, on the other hand….everything is an argument, he yells, he (sometimes) hits, he just has these HUGE emotions. We’ve parented them both the exact same way, they are just very different kids.
The thing that helps me is thinking about emotional regulation as a skill that doesn’t come for the same time for all kids. We wouldn’t think we were failures as parents if our kid took longer than another kid to learn to swim, or read, or do complicated Lego sets. And I’m not a failure as a parent because my kid is taking longer to learn to regulate his emotions. What I keep telling myself is that the goal isn’t perfection, it’s progress. If each month he’s a LITTLE better than he was before, or I’ve figured out a new way to stay calm, then it’s a success. And (just like with reading) if he seems to be taking substantially longer than he should to develop this skill, or failing to make progress, then I’ll seek outside help.
Anon says
The variable is definitely personality, not jobs! My best friend is in a two working parent household with more demanding jobs and longer hours than me and DH, and her almost 5 year old is the most laidback kid I’ve ever met. At one point I was venting about my then 3 year old’s daily tantrums, and she said “I think [her kid] had a tantrum once, but it only lasted a couple minutes.” ONCE!!!! My g-d! Thankfully her second kid is much more like mine and it’s really humbling her. 🤣
Boston Legal Eagle says
Oh yeah, having 2 or more kids is the best for showing you how little is in your control! (Beyond providing shelter, safety, love, etc.)
Anon says
Yeah I feel a little mean for how much I’m enjoying watching her get humbled by her second kid, but she was giving herself waaay too much credit for her first kid’s angelic behavior. It was just genetics, not anything she did or didn’t do.
Boston Legal Eagle says
^ I could totally see myself becoming a POOPCUP if I just had my second. So, thank you universe.
govtattymom says
Your daughter sounds exactly like my daughter! Hugs- it can be really hard. I think the important thing is that she is doing really well in school and listens in those contexts (better to have issues with those things at home). Can you spend some more time with her in situations where you don’t have to tell her what to do? Like can you play dolls, cuddle and watch a movie, etc.? That way you can spend some quality time together without bringing out her stubborn side.
anon says
We certainly have gone through this. One thing that does help is finding time to actually connect without any need on our part for her to cooperate. We do whatever activity she chooses 100% on her terms.
For instance, if she wants to play a game, we’ll play. If she wants to cheat and not follow the rules, we laugh and let her make up new rules. If she wants to stop, we stop. It’s her time to have fun. These moments of connection and her being in complete control seem to help.
It also helps for us to walk through the schedule, our expectations and any consequences well in advance. E.g., “The cleaners are coming tomorrow so after school we need to clean your room before we leave for soccer. There’s not time to play because soccer is at 4 PM. If your room isn’t clean before soccer, we’ll have to skip [fun activity] to come home to finish. Do you think you can help me clean it up quickly after school? We can turn on [favorite song] while we work.”
Anon says
Hi, my almost 5 YO is also absurdly smart, high spirited, stubborn (we had a 3 hour standoff last week before she finally caved and got in the bathtub), immune to peer (or parental) pressure, never met a rule she wouldn’t try to work around, etc. and we like to say that it will serve her well as an adult but we just need to survive parenting her first. Crying is a daily occurrence in our house. Abject defiance (repeatedly) is common. I am also one of the posters from yesterday and I love parenting her and being a parent and being around her notwithstanding that, but my experience is very different than most people. Couple of things that help me get to this place:
– you cannot compare your “spirited” child to other “normal” children. We recently kept overnight my best friend’s toddler and my husband was in disbelief that children who follow direction, are happy to just chill, always smiling, eat a wide variety of food and sleep through the night exist. For better or worse, I have more experience with children and am very aware that everything with my kid is 10x harder, but again, remember, she is going to change the world and my job is to encourage not crush her spirit (without crushing myself, so fine line).
– focus on the amazing things about your kid (not just the challenges) and celebrate them
– my kid has spent so much time crying and tantruming (only with family and sometimes family friends, she is an angel at school) that it just, doesn’t have an effect? I just ignore it, or send her to her room because I don’t want to listen to it, or offer a hug if she wants it but only if she takes a deep breath and turns down the volume. Honestly, not engaging is the fastest way to resolve it, but sometimes it takes 15 minutes of shrieking for her to realize I won’t cave, and I am just OK with that. She’s a fighter and no amount of gentle parenting works with that personality. She is the epitome of if you give an inch she will take a mile. I say no eighteen thousand times a day, but because of that I also try to lean in to say yes where it really doesn’t matter (e.g., my child is wearing two different colored socks to camp today).
– figure out what motivates her, and it may be different day to day and lean into her independence. Sunscreen got solved by letting her do it herself with a stick (and I point out where she misses). She picks up her toys only when I tell her the robot vacuum will run (which for under $150, even as a not great vacuum, is worth its weight in gold). The child loves dessert, and so for better or worse we use that as the carrot to get her to do things (like try new foods (often foregoes dessert and involves an hour plus of tears, but the child only eats about 15 foods, mostly carbs and we need to work on that), eat protein (usually works) and eat fruit (usually works)).
– see if you can find your trigger points. My child will never admit it (and will fight it tooth and nail) but she needs downtime or she will be an (even hotter) mess. We use screens a lot to encourage the “sitting still and just being”, as well as leaning in to all the self-directed arts and crafts. Find whatever activity she can focus on and lean into it (lego building is another). Bathtime is sometimes an hour-long affair because she just needs to soak and chill.
– Repeat “we can do hard things”. And ask for extra hugs and snuggles at bedtime because one benefit to her personality is that she is passionate about everything, and that includes loving her mama. Lord help us when she hits the can’t stand us phase.
Smalll - op says
Aw the last part of your post made me teary in a good way. Mine is passionate about loving me too. She gives the best hugs and she will bring me a stuffed animal to sleep with when dad puts her to bed.
And the rest of your post resonated as well. I cannot compare her to others and need to see her strengths.
I really need to work on not engaging. I think the screaming frays my nerves or something and I also get ragey myself and it escalates.
Also thanks to every poster who weighed it. It really helps to know we are not alone.
Pogo says
This, this, this. Read “Raising Your Spirited Child” – I saw it recommended here and it really, really helped me. I have also recently been recommended “Raising Human Beings” by another mom w/ a highly spirited/borderline ODD kiddo.
The key takeaway that I always remind DH is that parenting is NOT about us being “right” (“Time for bath!”..child obediently trots off to bath) and kiddo being “wrong” (“But I’m still building my Legos! I can’t!” => force screaming child up to bath). It is about getting the child to take a bath, to be clean and healthy and rested and safe and loved and all the other jobs we have as parents for our children. With spirited kiddos, that path can be a winding one, and the robot vaccum is such a classic. Works in our house too. “I need a clean floor for Roby to run!” “Oh, OK! Here ya go Roby, good robot!!” (cleans up toys).
So it doesn’t matter that you have to get creative and involve a robot, or a race, or a promise of shaving cream paint in the bathtub. Yes, I would love it if my kid just listened and agreed with me. But it’s not about that – you don’t always want your kid to follow everything they’re told to do without questioning when they grow up, right? The things that make a spirited child difficult – sticking to their guns, not quitting til they finish something, having high energy – are excellent traits I want in all my employees. Focus on what you need the child to do and problem solve with them to get there. (“Can we park the Legos for the night? Let’s find a good spot for them to sleep! OK, do you think in two minutes you’d be ready for bath? Let’s set a timer!”)
Hugs. SO much solidarity! It is exhausting, but I love love love my spirited kiddo.
SC says
I was a spirited, independent child. My parents say about my childhood, “the even years were hard.” You may not even need to survive until adulthood. I was an extremely easy teenager to parent. I pretty much did whatever I wanted regardless of parental or peer input. Luckily for them, I was pretty self-motivated and, thanks to them, I knew enough to stay away from too much trouble.
Anon says
I’m so curious about this “the even years were hard” statement. 3 was easier than 4!? 3 was the year I wanted to return-to-sender.
But my ped said the same thing about really challenging kids being easier teenagers because they’re less susceptible to peer pressure.
So Anon says
Same and my daughter is similar. I see so much of my own passion and stubbornness in her. The difference is that I was very much raised to do what I was told, ignore my own gut feelings, and funnel my passion into channels that my family deemed acceptable (no creative endeavors). I know that raising a spicy and spirited kid is so challenging, and my goal many days is to get through the day. It is getting easier now that she is a bit older (almost 9). I tell myself that she will need that spirit and determination to make it through this world, especially as a woman. My goal is to not crush her spirit, and let her passions take her where they may.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Oh I feel this so hard, and felt the same about the thread yesterday. First of all, it’s nothing that you did/didn’t do – kids have different personalities. My oldest is like your kid and my youngest is quieter, easygoing and just generally seems to be enjoying life (and loooves to spend time with me specifically). My older one is energetic, sensitive, gets easily frustrated, lashes out at us and just generally requires more patience. But he is also so outgoing, creative, and seemingly does fine/well at school and camp. I have been brought to tears by my oldest, but never with my younger one (who still has normal 3 year old irrational tantrums and all that). I yell at my oldest more often than I like (including last night – it’s the worst right before bedtime we’ve found). So it’s hard. I don’t know if it’s gotten better as he’s gotten older, but I’m hoping he can channel some of his energy into sports or clubs or friends. I also do rationally know that everyone being a super rule-follower isn’t ideal for society, but it’s tough when we bear the brunt of it now.
All to say, you’re not alone. I always think of how humbling parenting is. My kids have absolutely made me a better, more patient and empathetic person. And I know they will do great things, in their own way, when they’re older. I just hope we help guide them to the positive.
SC says
It gets better. I have a strong-willed, high-energy 7-year-old. We have the same dynamic where every single thing leads to a fight.
I’ve noticed that DH and I often don’t do our “best” parenting around other people or while traveling. Meaning, we prioritize peace and being able to spend time with family over conflict. We really choose our battles, and our son gets his way a lot more often. We still don’t give in to tantrums or bad behavior, but we’ll definitely let screen time limits slide or just buy an ice cream sandwich from a random cart we pass or let him eat PB&J with the grape jelly that’s really candy for 7 days in a row, just to avoid the conflict.
When we get home from trips, we often need a full reset. We all catch up on sleep. We stick to our routines as closely as possible. We go back to our screen time limits. We slow way down on activities like birthday parties and big outings and have a couple of quiet weekends at home. We cook balanced meals for dinner. Be warned–our son fights harder against the routine at first, but once we stick to it, he settles down and the arguments dwindle.
Anon says
I appreciate this thread. My child is only 19 months but has been like this since birth and assume will continue on in this trajectory.
I am low energy and easily overstimulated. I also am the primary caregiver and solo parent a lot. It is really hard and draining. The only thing that is working for us now is that he is still in full time daycare and I’ve cut back on hours at work (lawyer). This gives me some downtime each day to recharge in order to parent my son without breaking down. I also say this phrase out loud a lot: “you can’t control your screaming but I can stop myself from screaming.”
Pogo says
For that age (my youngest) – I kill em w/ kindness. Lots of singing. For example: doesn’t want to go upstairs and get changed/dressed. I pick him up (screaming/flailing) and start singing “get you ready to start your day! time for a dipey chaaaange!” in this ridiculous silly voice and just power through the screaming and even if he doesn’t calm down, it helps me calm down lol. But 90% of the time it helps him get over it.
Anonymous says
I mean..19 months is really incredibly young. He might just be a toddler? I think it’s a little early to say you know what they’ll be like at 5 years old. There’s definitely no reason you should scream at a toddler unless there’s risk of loss of life or limb.
Anon says
I feel like this is gaslighting the poster at 12:01 a little bit? It’s totally possible to know that your 19 month old is extremely stubborn/strong-willed/spirited/etc. Obviously 19 months olds aren’t supposed to have a lot of emotional regulation, but you can tell when they’re different from their peers. I knew, and I was right.
Smalll says
I’m the OP of this thread and my spirited child slept less than other kids, dropped naps early, jumped out of her crib at 20 months, and talked earlier than most peers. She was also into everything and we had to baby proof the heck out of our apt.
Anon says
I’m 11:02 am Anon and and can confirm that if you are got lucky enough to get a spirited one, you definitely know that early. We knew what we had by around 15 months. Non-spirited toddlers and spirited toddlers are two very different flavors of intensity. 5ish months of colic left us immune to screaming, but if you’re not fully desensitized yet, my best advice is to give yourself lots of breaks (put screaming kid in a safe, child-proofed space like their crib or room while you walk away for 10 minutes to regroup), tag team with your partner while using noise cancelling headphones and spending time outside (less echoing when they do scream).
So Anon says
I realize I’m late to this but lol. I have two kids, and yes, I could tell that my youngest was of a different level of spicy than her older brother from a very young age. Both of my kids fall into the “spirited” category, but my youngest is a whole different level. She walked at 10 months, crying it out never worked for her no matter how long we gave it, climbed up a barstool to sit on the counter at 15 mos, jumped out of her crib at 18mos, and the story goes on…. She is now 8, almost 9. She is fiercely determined and opinionated. She feels everything with her whole body – whether that is disgust at a particular food or love for her cat. And you’re right, in a perfect world, none of us would scream at our toddlers, but we are human too. We can only handle and do so much, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for having a tough day or yelling at our kids on occasion.
SC says
I would also describe myself as “low energy and easily overstimulated.” I also need downtime each day to be able to function and parent. The 14-24 month age was tough for me. Kiddo screamed a lot and wasn’t able to say what was wrong most of the time.
We learned later that Kiddo is also easily overstimulated and has sensory processing disorder. In retrospect, that was probably why he screamed so much. And all the tips people give for soothing a screaming toddler–singing, tickling, hugging, kissing, distracting with a toy–were wrong for him. Ultimately, reducing stimulation made certain situations better. For example, I started doing diaper changes either with him on the table with no/low lighting, staying quiet, and standing toward his legs instead of over his face, or with him standing up facing away from me. He ate dinner before my husband and I did (before my husband even got home), but I started sitting down for his meals instead of cleaning up the kitchen while he ate, and the screaming and food throwing dropped. We let the batteries die on noisy toys.
Anyways, I obviously can’t say if that’s what’s going on with your toddler. But if you feel like the screaming is more than typical, try reducing stimulation, especially in situations when they’re not in control.
Anon says
I could have written so much of this. I haven’t figured out the answers, but wanted to add my solidarity that parenting a child like this is so hard and exhausting and I, too, felt sad yesterday, and bad about myself, reading about all the people whose parenting experience seems like sunshine and rainbows in comparison. (To those who responded about their great feelings about parenting yesterday, please don’t yell at me that I am mischaracterizing your experience. I’m just expressing how it can feel to someone who has a different experience.)
anon says
Agree. It’s to the point I don’t even like talking about parenting with my friends because it’s very obvious that they’re just having a different experience than I am and we can’t relate to each other.
Anonymous says
Hahahahahaha I read this late today and want to make sure you know that all 4 year olds are annoying. I’m on my 3rd right now and I forgot how annoying they were. Luckily, she’s my youngest and also tells me I look like a movie star every day.
Just look for the pockets of sunshine. It’s hiding there in between painting your bathroom tile with red nailpolish, clogging your toilet with 746375835 pieces of toilet paper, and trying to ride the dog.
Nyc says
Please talk to me about hair bows. My almost 2 year old (with fine, thick hair) needs more hair accessories to keep hair out of her eyes. Where do you get yours? Bonus points for cute but not incredibly expensive (aka probably not from Maisonette…)
Anon says
Team snap clip here (often paired with the 1 inch ouch free elastics). Not super cute, but effective, cheap and easy to replace.
Anon says
The South American River Store. They have sets of 24+ in different colors for not very much money.
Spirograph says
I don’t think bows alone do a great job of keeping hair out of eyes. We used tiny rubber bands for actual hold (half-ponytail or two half-pigtails, or various braids), bows were just accessories. I have a big box of alligator-clip bows that we probably got on Amazon years ago, and they’re still going strong with very little attrition. My daughter loves to coordinate them with her outfits.
NYCer says
+1.
Mary Moo Cow says
Wee Ones bows are great. I get mine at a local shoe store or from their website. Cheaper bows often come undone, or the clips break, but Wee Ones stay tied and stay in the hair. They come in a few different sizes from cute and unobtrusive to can’t miss from the top deck. My girl also likes Goody snap clips, from Target or the grocery store.
Nyc says
Thanks everyone! Appreciate the tips!
anon says
How early can babies develop nightmares or fear of the dark? Our 4 mo old woke up suddenly screaming when he was sleeping alone in a dark bedroom. I picked him up within 2-3 minutes, but he sobbed for a full half hour. He seemed a little calmer when I took him out into other rooms but cried more in the dark bedroom. He’s had a few very unhappy wakeups before, even daycare has commented on it, but I don’t think he’s ever been alone or in the dark when it happened.
AwayEmily says
Was he really awake? If he was still mostly asleep it may have been a night terror.
Anon says
I think 4 months is too early for that. I do remember DS (now 15 months) doing something similar for a few nights at that age, and we just assumed it was his 4 month sleep regression. If it’s not that, I would think it more likely to be separation anxiety or upset tummy/reflux.
Anon says
Our almost two-year old did this not infrequently. We never identified whether it was a night terror or his reflux (which is serious and medicated). It would take a full 30 to 40 minutes before he would calm down, and then he would act like nothing had happened.
Nanny Question says
I know this varies widely by market, but we are looking at giving our nanny a $3/hour raise for the birth of a second child. I think that is fair, but I don’t have a lot of ways to compare or sources to look at. We are in a medium-high cost of living city and we’ve been doing $1/hour raises each year since she started with my firstborn. Thoughts? What have others done? For what it’s worth, I think her pay is currently at or above market for a single child. We love her, so I want to make sure we are being fair and she is happy.
Nyc says
I’m in NYC and have heard most people get $2-3/hr for each additional kid. I’ve also heard this may be impacted by other factors such as how long the mother will be on maternity leave and the primary care giver to one child, whether the older child will start a half day “school” program etc.
Anon says
Oh, hmmm. Am I a jerk? We’re expecting our second child in January, and I was not planning on giving our nanny a second child raise. I was going to give her a 3-4% increase in February (her work anniversary), which is the same I did last year. My rationale here is that I think she already has a pretty good gig – we pay market/above market but for fewer hours (right now she makes $33/hour, on the books, for 40 hours/week). And I WFH full time so I’m around for nursing the baby etc. I’ll be on maternity leave for 3 months and I’m guessing our daughter will start some kind of pre-school in Fall 2023.
Anon says
at least in NYC $33 on the books is below market for two kids — but not sure where you live.
Anon says
What is market for two kids in NYC?
Piper Dreamer says
Not the OP but we pay $35 for 2 kids (with 1 going into K in September).
Nyc says
This planned increase seems a bit low but I would definitely include the annual increase with the second kid increase (ie not do a 3-4% increase and a few $/hour more)
Anon says
I thought a ~ $1/hour yearly increase was fairly standard?
I’m in NYC burbs but not Westchester or Jersey (Rockland County NY). It does not seem, from when we looked, that there is overlap between nannies who work here and who work in NYC. No one we interviewed had Manhattan experience.
Nyc says
I think the $1 annual increase is pretty common, although by no means universal (especially if you start someone at a high salary relative to market). My point I was trying to communicate is that if you plan to have a child in Jan, I know people who have told their nanny they would increase pay $X amount net hourly and it’s assumed to include the annual raise. As a nanny employer, I find it helpful to hear what others are doing but at the end of the day, I know this topic would be a conversation between my nanny and I and we would have to mutually get comfortable with the pay increase and changes to duties etc.
Lily says
Sorry for the novel. Please reassure me there is an end in sight…
I have a 3.5 year old and a 15 month old. The 15th month old is and always has been an excellent sleeper. The 3.5 year old was always an excellent sleeper (I know, I got lucky) up until about 6 weeks ago. For context, we moved a month ago to a new house, new town (but she’s in same school for now, changing schools at end of August, which she is vaguely aware of).
About 2 weeks before we moved, she started throwing a tantrum/screaming hysterically (with her sister just a bedroom away, so we really needed to stop her screaming) if we didn’t stay with her while she fell asleep. The issue is that it would often take her an hour or more to fall asleep. This has continued for the past 6 weeks, resulting in me (she only wants me, not my husband, unless I am out with friends, which has happened twice, in which case she lets my husband do it) lying in her bed with her for 45-90 minutes while she falls asleep. I feel like I’m being held hostage. It means that by the time I’m downstairs and able to do anything (chores, hang out with husband, shower, literally anything) it’s after 9 pm. I’d like to be asleep by 10, to get 8 hours of sleep, but when my evening doesn’t start til 9, I’m usually not asleep til 11:30. My sleep is suffering terribly. She often also wakes up in the middle of the night, realizes I’m not in bed with her anymore, and screams til I come lie in bed with her again (where I usually fall asleep until she wakes me up at 5:45 am – thankfully she now has a full size bed so it’s relatively comfortable).
I feel like I’ve now started her on this horrible habit that I will never be able to break. I need my evenings back, I need my sleep. I can’t let her cry it out because a) she will wake up her sister and b) she is old enough to be able to get out of bed, out of her room, and stand at the top of the stairs (with gate) and scream til we come up.
Something like this but not as intense happened about 6 months ago, and we were able to solve it by doing the “I’ll check on you in [2, 5, 10, 20] minutes” method. But that’s not working very well now. Sometimes she’ll stay in bed during the 2, 5, 10, 20 minute interval, but usually not.
I’m at my wits end :(
Anon says
Sleep got temporarily horrible for us around that age. For us, the best solution was bringing her into our bed, although I know not everyone wants to do that.
Also my daughter’s sleep needs did seem to dramatically shorten around that age, and a later bedtime helped with getting her to sleep. My daughter went – pretty much overnight, it seemed like – from always sleeping 12 hours and occasionally sleeping 12.5-13 to never sleeping more than 11 and regularly only sleeping 10-10.5. I was so spoiled by having 2-3 hours every night to myself before my bedtime and still being able to get 8.5-9 hours of sleep and I definitely miss that, but unfortunately it’s just a part of kids getting older and needing less sleep.
NYCer says
Definitely agree re my kids needing less sleep all of a sudden around this age and also me having to adjust to having less time to myself in the evenings.
Does she nap still? If my almost 3.5 year old (who also is and always has been a great sleeper) naps AT ALL during the day, she doesn’t fall asleep until like 930pm. Without a nap, she is reliably asleep by 830 give or take.
Anon says
Yes, we’ve cut my 4 year old off from naps except when traveling across time zones. The last time she napped at home she was jumping on her bed, cackling and scream-singing at 1 am. 8:30 bedtime is normal for us these days with no naps, and she usually but not always makes it until her ok to wake clock turns green at 7:30.
Pogo says
This happened to us around 2.5. How is she napping? Cut the nap first, that helps SO much.
Second, you may not want to hear this, but the check-ins are the best bet. You will have to add a gate or some other method to keep her in her room. If she continues to resist, you have to take everything ‘fun’ out of the room (toys etc) so that bedroom is just for sleep, super boring.
For the baby – add an additional fan outside her room to create a “wall of white noise”. This was the recommendation from our sleep consultant.
Finally, if you want some freedom and don’t mind introducing a potential crutch, we just Calm app sleep stories for awhile to release us from bedtime hostage. It just became an issue for us when kiddo started arguing about which story, wanted to keep the screen active so he could look at it (even though it is audio only, there is a picture for each story).
AwayEmily says
I wouldn’t worry over-much about establishing horrible habits. Do what you need to do in order to maximize both her and your sleep, and phase it out when you don’t need it any more. Some things we have done during various bad-sleep phases:
– Calm app stories or music on a Sonos in their room
– me sitting in a chair in the room, reading a Kindle, while the kid falls asleep
– letting them take paper/crayons into bed with their Munchkin owl nightlight and staying up as needed
– All these in combination with regular checks
– Threats (my kids share a room so the best threat is to separate them)
– Incentives (we celebrated one week of “not yelling in the morning” with balloons and a cupcake)
– melatonin for a brief period to help re-establish a better schedule
– dropping the nap
Anon says
Someone should give me balloons and a cupcake if I make it a week with no yelling in the morning.
AwayEmily says
actual lol
Anon says
I hand over the tablet and tell kiddo she can keep it as long as she stays in bed (we started this around 2.5, she is now almost 5). Some nights that is 2.5 hours and others she is out in 10 minutes. Now that she is (finally) sleeping better we are doing a 15 minutes with tablet, then lay in the dark for 15 minutes, and keep alternating, but my spirited kiddo will only sleep when *she* is ready, which is often long after DH and I are ready, so sometimes we go to bed and (literally) leave her to her own devices. Terrible habit? Probably. Most sleep for most number of people? Absolutely.
Lily says
Thanks, all. She still naps at school, for about 2 hours a day. A few weekends ago we dropped her weekend naps, which did seem to help somewhat with her falling asleep earlier, but there’s not much we can do about school naps until she switches schools at the end of the summer (they have better options for kids who don’t nap).
Anonymous says
Ask the school to wake her after an hour and she can quietly look at books while the others nap.
Make a chart in her room alternating your and your husband taking turns to lie down with her. Emphasize that you cannot do it every night and if she wants someone to lie down with her, it has to follow the chart. Leave the house the first few times, even if just to have a tea in the backyard or walk around the block. After two- three weeks of this, switch the chart to one night you, one night DH, one night by herself. keep that up for a couple weeks at least. Make sure she is getting lots of physical activity.
Did you change up My kids hated sleeping in full sized beds at that age. They felt scary large to them. Could you do her toddler bed again for a few months until she adjust to the new house. Obv then you sit on the floor next to the bed.
Anon says
Daycare licensing restrictions probably prevent the school from waking a child. In my state at least, non-napping children have to be given books or other quiet activities to do on their cot, but the teachers cannot wake a child or otherwise prevent them from sleeping during nap time.
Anonymous says
I’ve literally never heard of this. Our daycare always asked for a written request re naps but we never had issues with asking them to wake kids after X period of time.
Anon says
It’s pretty common I think? Most states have something in the regulations that say children under a certain age “shall have the opportunity to nap” or some wording like that, which is normally interpreted to mean they can’t wake a sleeping child or otherwise interfere with a kid who wants to nap. I’ve never heard of a daycare teacher being allowed to wake a sleeping child and am really surprised they would agree to do it.
Anonymous says
My kid started K at age 4 (Dec cutoff), so I find the notion that a 3.5 yr old must be allowed a 2 hr nap to be very surprising. Less than half the kids were napping at daycare when my kids went.
Anon says
“Allowed to” and “required to” are very different. Many of the kids in my daughter’s 3-5 year old class don’t nap either, and they get books and other stuff to do quietly.
Anonymous says
Later bedtime?