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Covid timing says
Well we had a good run, but my family caught Covid from a visiting family member.
It started with a scratchy throat Saturday morning and we all have symptoms now ranging from coughs, runny nose, aches, and chills. Husband tested positive Sunday morning.
For those that have had Covid recently, how long did your symptoms last? Husband and I are triple vaxxed. 2yo is almost 4 weeks out from his first dose. We will be sticking out the length of our quarantine regardless but curious about others experience.
Anonymous says
I had it a month ago (triple vaxxed). 3 days of feeling very bad, 4 days of not feeling good, then an AWFUL sinus infection came raging in and knocked me out for another week. I was still testing positive on an at-home test 10 days in (which isn’t uncommon right now, based on my friend who has it now). 14 days after testing positive I was back to 95%.
My kids got it and were asymptomatic (3 shots pfizer), my husband never got it (J+J + pfizer)
Anon says
Yes, I was testing fully positive with an at home all the way through day 10.
I felt like I had a bad cold through day 12, but for me it never got worse than that.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, I feel like most people who got it recently have been testing positive for quite awhile. I tested positive for 10 days, as did my 4yo. And while I know we don’t have conclusive evidence about the extent to which positive rapid tests imply contagiousness, we erred on the side of caution. He was technically eligible to go back to school 5 days after his first positive test but we kept him home until he was testing negative on rapids.
I agree that it took me about 2 weeks to feel back to normal, and I was only really out of it for about 3 days.
Bean74 says
Finishing out my quarantine now. One day of scratchy throat. Two days with terrible sore throat, cough, chills, low-grade fever. Fever broke within 24 hours. Sore throat cleared by day 5. Very tired throughout and am anticipating some lingering fatigue. Taste and smell is off, still.
My kiddo had a headache and 36 hours or so of a fever. Tested negative the whole time and was bouncing off the walls the morning after his fever broke.
My husband has been negative the whole time.
GCA says
I am triple vaxxed and tested positive two weeks ago. I’m pretty sure I caught it from a colleague the day before she tested positive (we had a sit-down meal together indoors on a work trip). It started with body aches and general malaise, 1.5 days of a mild fever that was easily controlled with Tylenol, and fatigue + brain fog for about three more days.
Fortunately, I was able to quarantine in my hotel room before flying home, and by the time I got home, my 4yo was a week out from her first dose. No one in the family (DH and kid 1 both triple vaxxed; kid 2 with her first Pfizer dose) has had any symptoms.
A says
Ugh, it’s a bummer. We also just had it recently, and I’m on day 12 now (feeling so much better but still testing positive on rapids). I got it first with scratchy throat and a slight cough, then felt really awful for a couple of days (fever, aches, fatigue) before turning the corner. Husband tested positive two days after I did, and our eight year old got it three days after that. Our four year old only has one vaccine dose so far and was in quarantine with us but has no symptoms and has not tested positive (somehow??).
I’m glad we avoided it for so long and were as vaccinated as we could be by the time it hit us, but it was no fun. I hope your family has a smooth road to recovery! Managing Covid while parenting a toddler is not for the faint of heart.
OP says
So true. Husband and I are both curled up on the couch and the toddler is sprinting around in circles chasing our dogs and coughing occasionally.
Pogo says
That was our experience. We traded off who got to nap for an hour during nap/video time in the middle of the day. Only bright spot was our 4yo did have some fatigue and went to bed at 6pm every day. Otherwise I might not have made it…
anon says
For me (triple vaxxed and had it in May, now have it again), it’s been a complete non-event. Slight sinus pressure, occasional scratchy throat…I wouldn’t have tested had my parents not tested positive given how incredibly mild the symptoms are. My parents are in their late 70s and for them it’s felt like a bad cold with some fatigue.
This is my third round of covid and it’s never been much of an issue – the second time was the worst but worst still meant nothing more than a single day of fever and feeling like I had a bad cold for 3-4 days.
SC says
I had it a few weeks ago. Cold-like symptoms lasted a week–sore throat for a couple of days, then a runny nose for a day, complete loss of taste and smell for about 48 hours, then shortness of breath.
I had some fatigue and brain fog linger for a couple of weeks. I think that’s gone now.
I’ve also had a lingering cough, which is normal for me after regular colds. It seems like my allergies are worse, and every little thing triggers a coughing fit. I vacuumed and mopped my whole house this weekend with a brand-new vacuum, so hopefully that will help.
Anonymous says
We just haven’t gotten it together enough to get my kid COVID-vaccinated yet. He will have his 3-year old check up in 3 weeks, and the pediatrician can give him the first dose then, or we can go to a pharmacy and get it done sooner. What say y’all? I don’t know if we could coordinate well enough so that the pediatrician could give him a second dose, but I can ask.
Anon says
I would go now, cases are surging. Doctors aren’t better than pharmacies at giving shots in my experience.
Anon says
This. Don’t overthink it. The pharmacy is fine.
Anonymous says
This. I’m firmly in the “first available” camp for all recommended vaccines and boosters
Anonymous says
The pharmacy isn’t just fine, it’s probably much easier. It is so difficult to schedule even a flu shot at our pediatrician’s office, and then there is a lot of waiting around. Pharmacy scheduling is simpler and you are in and out quickly. As a bonus, pharmacists are usually very good at giving shots.
Anon says
I might wait so that your kid has maximum immunity at the start of the school year? But prob depends on whether you’re traveling etc. I’m the interim.
Anon says
If that’s the goal I would start now? Doesn’t it take a couple of weeks to ramp up immunity like an adult shot does? And wouldn’t you want the multiple doses (which are weeks apart) to consider it max immunity?
Anon says
Most 3 year olds are either home with a parent/nanny or in year round daycare/school. I wouldn’t put much weight into the start of the K-12 school year for a kid that age. Also depends where you live but school starts in just over 2 weeks in my city! And it takes that long to build immunity.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We got our 3 year old his first shot at a health clinic and he did fine. I was worried because he usually doesn’t like shots at the doctor’s office but he handled it well. We went with Moderna to only have to do 2 shots and have him fully vaxxed before our travel in August. If you can find a place with Moderna, I’d go with that.
Anonymous says
Go now. There’s no reason for anyone to be delaying unless your doctor has told you to.
anon says
I would probably try to do it now. In my area it’s hard to find Moderna, all the pharmacies and our ped have pfizer and my kid (4.5) just got her second pfizer shot this weekend, and won’t be able to get her third shot until 8 weeks from now which is after school starts (luckily we are going to a pharmacy with weekend appointments). Might as well get the clock ticking especially if daycare preschool or whatever follows the rule here which is unvac kids have to quarantine days and test out (vax kids do not have to quarantine).
The pharmacy is fine at giving the shots, and bonus for my daughter, there are toys sold there.
anon says
There’s so much Covid where I am (and most of the US), that I’d prioritize starting the series as soon as possible.
Anon says
I’d make it a priority to get started as soon as you can, cases are surging. Maybe see if you can push pediatrician appointment back a week so they can do the second dose?
NLD in NYC says
Got Moderna for DS (2.5 yrs) at our local health clinic as soon as doses were available. Getting 2nd dose this Saturday. Get thee to the the pharmacy, imho.
Anon says
I am taking my same aged kid to a clinic tomorrow. If I had the option I would take him to the pediatrician because he’s terrible with vaccines and the nurses there are great. Not looking forward to holding him down at the health department clinic but oh well.
Anon says
Get it sooner. You’ll be fully vaxxed that much sooner.
Anonymous says
Ugh analysis paralysis. What is the best month to birth a child? And why?
Anon says
Whatever month it happens…signed TTC for 3 years now. But for me personally, if I had a choice, August or September because then my leave runs through the holidays and I love the holidays (and they are unfortunately always my busiest time of year, so I rarely get to enjoy them like the way you can on leave).
anon in brooklyn says
April (speaking from the northeast). So you can have outdoor birthday parties. Aren’t most pregnant in the hottest part of summer or the coldest part of winter. Weather will be turning nice just when you’re ready to get out with newborn, but a few months before the hottest part.
Anon says
We tried (and succeeded) at hitting the January-March window. The biggest reason was job stuff that’s specific to us, but a couple more general reasons: School cutoff here is August 1, and I liked the idea of the kid being middle of the class age-wise. We also wanted to avoid birthdays in late November/December (winter holidays) and May/June (my husband’s and my birthdays plus Mothers Day and Fathers Day). That said, I would have loved to have been on maternity leave during a time with better weather. March and even April are pretty crummy in my part of the Midwest.
Anon says
I will add that I actually loved being heavily pregnant in the dead of winter. No hot flashes! But I was able to work from home whenever the weather was really bad and I didn’t have an older child to schlep around, so I didn’t fear slipping and falling.
AwayEmily says
All of mine were in that period (one Jan, one Feb, and one March), not because of any planning but just by happenstance. Yes, it was snowy and freezing out but being cozy inside with a newborn isn’t the worst thing. And that way they are Peak Adorable (and still flexible enough to sleep in the carrier) during the summer months.
Anonymous says
September or October.
– you can ride out the worst parts of pregnancy poolside but you are not 9 months pregnant in July
– summer maternity clothes work, just add a sweater cardigan
– baby is 3 months by winter- no newborns
– no conflict with winter holidays
– fall babies are the oldest in their class (near me) which has been great for us.
I also have friends that loved having Feb/March babies. Mine are May, August and early October.
Emma says
September 30th is the class cutoff where I am, and I’m due Oct 2, with a not insignificant chance of being early – eeesh. I’m currently in my 3rd trimester and it’s really hot so a little painful, but I guess it’s not so bad! I’m looking forward to being on leave on the holidays and I like a fall birthday.
Anonymous says
You can always hold them. One of my kids is Oct 8th and started school when the cutoff was 10/1. The cutoff has since moved back to 9/1 and another of my kids is early August. She’s the second youngest in her class. When my oldest started, a lot of parents of late September babies red shirted them.
Anon says
Depends on where you are. I think some areas are cracking down on red shirting. In my old district my understanding was they were pretty strict, and in theory if you didn’t send them to the K they were supposed to go to they at least threatened to make them start in 1st grade the next year regardless. Not sure how often that happened, but that was at least the messaging.
Anonymous says
On the other hand, I like having the youngest kid in the class because it makes them a little less bored.
Spirograph says
It depends on your job, if you have cyclical busy periods. And where you live if you want to factor in how uncomfortable it is to be pregnant when it’s hot. My kids were born in winter, spring and right around Labor Day. Of the three, the Spring baby was the best timing: I was not hugely pregnant at a time when I needed my winter coats to fit, and had gorgeous weather for long walks during maternity leave. No flu restrictions on maternity ward visitors (this was pre-covid) Being pregnant in late summer was miserable.
But yes – whatever month it happens. Trying to time your pregnancy so precisely is a fool’s errand, especially since a “full term” birth has a range of about a month before you even factor in the potential for preterm labor.
anon says
Lol it took me 2.5 years to get pregnant so these questions and some of the responses are just wild to me. I hope you all realize what a privilege it is to conceive when you want!
Anonymous says
Actually I’m trying to emotionally process starting IVF since I don’t have the luxury of just getting knocked up the old fashioned way. I am fully aware I cannot guarantee any particular month, but I wanted to hear why people liked various months so I stopped stewing over it.
Anonymous says
+1. The idea that you can time it is laughable.
Anon says
Sometimes people can…I realize I am immensely lucky, but I conceived all three of my kids in our first month of trying (I am also very familiar with my cycle and know where I am at all times). It’s fine to make a plan, as long as you hold it loosely!
anon says
I’m glad you realize you are immensely lucky.
Aunt Jamesina says
“I am also very familiar with my cycle and know where I am at all times”… hah, people who have trouble conceiving are extreeeemely familiar with their cycles.
I remember my friend who conceived her two kids on months one and two mentioning to me after I’d been trying for a year that I should try charting my basal temps. Like. LOL.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I was tracking my cycle very closely, which is how I knew that I didn’t actually ovulate for 6-7 months after going off hormonal birth control when TTC for my first kid. There’s so much here that’s out of your control! Not a reason for OP to just throw up her hands, but loosely-held plans are best.
NYCer says
Beginning of March was great for my second daughter. Weather was only getting nicer and nicer during my leave. Six months of leave encompassed the entire summer. No tough decisions about red-shirting or not red-shirting for private schools.
That being said, timing her birthday didn’t actually factor into our decision about when to start trying. It just worked out that way, but all things considered, it seems like a good month. :)
Anon. says
There’s no right answer. My first was June, my second January. I was really bummed about #2 because I really, really didn’t want a miserable Midwest winter maternity leave because I spent a huge part of my maternity leave walking outside and credit that to maintaining my sanity during that time. #2 was born in January of 2020, had I timed it “right” she’d have been born in the height of COVID precautions and I’d have been alone at the hospital and come home from a C-section to an almost three year old who couldn’t go to daycare. I realize people did this and my absolute awe goes out to them, but yikes I’m glad I didn’t have to. All that to say, there’s no perfect time to have a baby.
anon says
You are not in control of this.
Anon says
Actually, something like 80% of couples conceive within 3 months, so statistically it is pretty likely you can control what season your child is born based on when you start trying. Certainly not possible for everyone, but the fact that it may not work doesn’t seem like a reason not to try.
Anon says
It’s closer to 60%, so statistically, it’s slightly better than a coin toss.
Anonymous says
OK. the 80% surprised me. Especially for first pregnancies coming off of BC. Anecdotally, I know one friend who got pregnant in the first 3 months. For me and everyone else I’ve ever talked to about this, it was significantly longer, or there were miscarriages, or or or.
Anon says
I’ve seen some sources that say 70-80%, but maybe that was for a younger age group. I’m sure age is a factor.
But either way, I think the point stands. It’s not guaranteed by any means but definitely a better than even chance so if you want a specific timing, it’s worth a shot. I think it’s crazy to say you “can’t” time a child. Something like 30% of people conceive the first month and you’re in complete control of when you start trying. You may (very reasonably) choose to give up on attempting to time if you don’t conceive quickly, but that’s a different story.
Anon says
I think the bigger issue is whether you *should* try to time it if it involves any significant amount of waiting. If you’re 28 and have a clear busy season at work you want to hit or avoid maybe it makes sense. But if you’re 35 – or honestly probably even 32 – waiting six months to get started is probably a terrible idea even if there’s still a very good you won’t have fertility issues. You just don’t know until you try.
Anon says
Yeah, I wanted to have one of my kids in Sept so I started trying in November because of comments like that.. joke’s on me, I conceived immediately and they were born in August. There’s a whole spectrum but it’s more common to conceive quickly than it is to have fertility hurdles. Aren’t nearly half of pregnancies still unplanned?
anon says
I don’t believe the 80% figure, first, and second, regardless of how fast you conceive (or not) it remains fact – you are simply not in control of this. Mental energy is finite and TTC, pregnancy and preparedness for parenthood take up a LOT of mental energy. It’s far better directed elsewhere, imho.
Anon says
I timed my kid and am very glad I did. I recognize that I was lucky, but I also recognize that if I hadn’t tried it wouldn’t have worked and I think for many people there is value in trying to time it. It really did not take that much mental energy. We looked at a calendar and said “ok we start on X date.”
Anonymous says
Well I do get to decide which months I try and which months I don’t actually.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1M to this.
So Anon says
Agree. Even if you elect to only TTC during certain months, you may not have any control over whether baby comes early or late.
Anonymous says
Yup. My teacher friend thought she had timed her due date perfectly so her maternity leave would last right up until the end of school and she could take advantage of a full maternity leave followed by summer break. Her baby arrived a month early, so she had to go back to work for a month at the end of the school year.
anon says
Where I live, the school cutoff is Sept 1 and “winter” begins in mid November. I would say April or October, maybe early November.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My kids are April and October! I think these are good months, and I am one of the lucky ones who planned for October the second time and it worked out (I love our fall here!) April is nice as you avoid being super pregnant in the summer, and your leave is in the nice warm months. October is nice because you’re not quite at the Thanksgiving/winter holidays. Our cutoff is Sept. 1 so honestly I didn’t want an August baby because they would be the youngest, or we’d have to consider holding them back. Birthdays during the school year makes for easier birthday party scheduling.
But as everyone said, you usually can’t plan these things and all months have something going for them.
Anon says
I really like my child’s May birthday: (1) I had maternity leave in the summer, which is my favorite season and allowed us to get breaks by walking outside with squalling infant, and (2) birthday parties will be during the school year, but likely warm enough for outside activities. Plus I didn’t have to makeshift winter maternity clothing, since I was biggest in the spring when it got warmer outside, and there weren’t any other close family birthdays/events. That being said, I would have taken any month.
Janey says
Overall, if you’re ready to have a child, start trying now. We all know people who have struggled with infertility for years/decades. Whatever month your baby comes will be completely perfect.
That said, I remember as a kid not liking having a summer birthday because of course you miss out on it being your “special day” at school. Plus it stunk being among the youngest in the class, esp. once everyone started driving. So yeah I guess “avoid summer if possible” would be my $.02.
Anon says
My kids birthdays are February, April, July and September, so I feel like I can weigh in here! Preference for April or September. February okay. Summer’s the worst. Poor kid and his birthday parties being basically nonexistent every year! Also we’re in the south and he keeps wanting to have outdoor (non pool) parties and we’re just like ahh sorry!
April’s great for parties and pregnancy but I didn’t love it for having a newborn in summer. I think September’s pretty great.
birth says
since you’re asking about birth, here’s what I know: new residents and nurses start July 1, I had my 1st on July 2. There was some drama (no you can’t stitch my up on your 1st day), but I almost feel like it was better because they’re being watched/shadowed very closely. Had kid 2 in January, COVID was awful no visitors allowed at the hospital, resident was off leash and knew just enough to be dangerous, and we spent 3 days in the special care nursery for no good reason other than incompetence. Paid for the Gold plan and my full deductible for 2 years since it took me longer to get pregnant this time and you have to pick a plan in October.
Anonymous says
This is why I did not deliver at a teaching hospital and wrote all over my consent form “I do not consent to being treated or observed by a resident, intern, or student.”
anonn says
You are lucky you had a choice. We brought a doula who saved me on the stiches issue, but had no help when it came to the family medicine resident who thought she heard a murmur. I guess it’s very common for babies to be born with holes in their heart that close by day 3. still had to pay for the echo on day 2, though oy. that was at least a $10K mistake, that I doubt anyone even told her about. not to mention sleeping on a hospital recliner or couch for the first 3 nights postpartum.
ANon says
The 9th month after conception. Because that is full term.
FVNC says
On theme for today, apparently: good friends are quarantining after their young toddler tested positive this weekend. I’d like to drop off some care packages for them — toddler, almost-4 yr old sibling, two working parents and grandparents who happen to be visiting. Suggestions for specific items to include? I’m overwhelmed with work and a cross-country move, but have time to shop this evening at most big box stores. Thanks all, and I’m so sorry so many of us are dealing with this (still!!!!!!).
AwayEmily says
Coming off of a recent quarantine, some successes for us were: Water Wow or Imagine Ink books, new play doh, some fancy chocolates for the adults.
Anon says
Im the first Covid poster from this morning and A new set of duplos and my stash of herbal tea has been hugely helpful for our quarantine with a toddler.
Anon says
My go to care package for family with little kids is a giant bubble wand and tempera paint sticks and a large pad of paper. (Basically a consumable outdoor toy and a consumable indoor toy) And a special sweet treat. And alcohol for the parents.
For older kids I also included the Simon game or some such that they can play on their own.
FVNC says
Thanks! Just placed a big Target order.
Third Tri workouts says
Almost in the third trimester with my third and, wow, I’m bigger, faster than I was with the other two. I’d been weightlifting regularly and walking but now those two activities feel uncomfortable in my pelvis. (discussed with dr, no medical concerns, just, you know, pregnant) Any suggestions for workouts? My personality is the type when I need physical exertion to help stay relaxed. So far I’ve got swimming (which I am terrible at) and using an exercise bike, but I’m probably missing something.
Anon says
I think I did some prenatal barre and floor cardio classes at that point– think a low-key Zumba/kickboxing. Walking was my go-to though– sorry that is uncomfortable for you right now!
Anne-on says
What about an aqua aerobics class? At my gym you can book pool lanes, I’d simply walk back and forth in the pool lane with or without those floaty weights and call it a day.
Anon says
I liked the BarreAmped prenatal workouts. I thought they were challenging. I think NourishMoveLove on YT also has some pregnancy workouts that are more challenging, though I did not do any of them. My pelvic floor PT recommended some of her postpartum videos and I liked them. Just be careful of exercises that put load on your pelvic floor, they can cause prolapse.
Anonymous says
Listen to your body. The physical exertion? It is growing the baby.
AwayEmily says
Walking? I did a lot of walking in the third tri with all 3 babies — mostly evening walks after the other kids had gone to bed. I often had phone dates during my walks; it was a great excuse to catch up with some old friends.
AwayEmily says
Oh, just realized you said walking was uncomfortable — sorry! Hmmm….it’s not exactly exercise but when I had pelvis pain I did a fair amount of bouncing on the yogaball while watching TV.
Anon says
+1 to bouncing on the ball. I started doing breathing/stretching exercises and counted those as my workout after 32 weeks.
GCA says
Oh boy, this brings back memories. I also need high-impact or endurance activities (running, hiking, Zumba) to mentally de-stress, but everything was uncomfortable by the middle of third trimester. I ended up swimming very slowly and badly, and doing the week-by-week maternity workouts on the Aaptiv app with some modifications.
Anon says
Our local waterpark has water walking in the mornings where you can walk against the current of the lazy river. That might be a good option if it exists in your area.
NYCer says
Walking and barre classes were my go-to forms of exercise.
Emma says
I’m at 29 weeks and my feet have suddenly tripled (thanks, heatwave) so walking is a lot less fun than it used to be. I’m mostly swimming – I wanted to sign up for aquaerobics but the class filled up really fast!
Anon says
So in case you’re looking for tough love in addition to suggestions, I’ll offer this:
You’re pregnant. From time to time, you’ll be uncomfortable. Sometimes this will be while working out. As long as it is “I’m pregnant this is uncomfortable, but also safe and not harmful to me or the baby, and I’m not in pain”, I’d encourage you to keep going. Not all of my pregnant walks were comfortable. Not all of my workouts were comfortable. But I always told myself I’d be happier if I kept going than I would if I quit.
Not a doctor, not medical advice, legit don’t care if someone wants to work out zero days or every day of her pregnancy. But this is what worked for me when my mind said “oh man, walking blows right now”.
EDAnon says
I did a prenatal swim class (loved it!) that was water aerobics so very little actual swimming. I also enjoyed prenatal yoga.
Anonymous says
Anyone have a kiddo that does russian math? What is it, exactly? There are some kids at our elem school that do it, and I have a rising 3rd grade girl who loves math and expressed interest in doing more math-y things.
Is this like crazy tiger mom level of activity? Is it a fun thing? More like tutoring? The website makes it seem like all of the above.
Anonymous says
I think it is geared towards math competitions, which are definitely tiger mom craziness. If your daughter is really into math and just wants a deeper understanding, the Art of Problem Solving books are great.
anon says
If she really likes math, it may be worth a try. My kids found it boring and thought the instructors were mean (which means not engaging). They liked AoPS a little better. Mostly I find these programs teach math faster, but not better.
Anonymous says
I think it’s a way to make money off of tiger moms.
Anon says
This.
Anon says
I asked this a few months ago! DD has several classmates who do it. I decided we don’t have time – she loves math but she loves ballet and soccer more. She’s in second grade.
I found the idea that you learn math faster but not better necessarily super compelling actually. Her teacher last year let slip that DD was the best math student in their class, when I knew two other kids doing the russian math thing, so it clearly doesn’t make you do better in school necessarily.
Anonymous says
OP here. I was thinking my DD would like and maybe benefit from a math team type activity and is super good at math (for a 9 year old in mainstream school). She doesn’t need to learn math faster *or* better, really. All her other activities are sports so it would round out what she does in her free time a bit. The other idea we had was Code Ninjas, which she also liked the idea of except didn’t like that it “looked like all boys.” One sibling does piano and dance but she’s decidedly not into music and quit ballet after one year. Both her sisters do girl scouts but no interest in that either.
Her elem used to have a chess club but it ended with COVID. She’d do that in a heartbeat if it came back. A couple of the kids that did chess club started doing russian math so I thought it might be a good alternative.
On the other hand, I would never in a million years done a chess or math club or camp as a child and would have thrown something at my mother for even suggesting such a thing. *She* asked *us* about it which is why i wanted to see what sort of thing it is.
SC says
If she asked you about it, and she knows some other kids doing it, I think it’s worth a try. I have an attitude that I’ll let my kid try almost anything he expresses interest in. And I ask him to try a few things that I think he might be interested in.
anon says
+1 this. As an Asian American, I find the whole “Tiger Mom” pejorative distasteful. Some kids like having a high degree of activity and it seems like it would be equally a disservice to the child not to listen to them and help them pursue their interests or talents if they want to, if you have the time and resources. I wouldn’t deny my child something because I’m afraid of being a “Tiger Mom”. Let them try and pay attention to how they feel about it.
anonchicago says
Controversial topic for a Monday morning – do you enjoy spending time with your kids? Not 24/7 of course, but in general, you want to spend time with them and arrange your schedule in a way that encourages family time?
I’m five months pregnant with our first and probably only. Was listening to one of the Emily Oster books this weekend (The Family Firm) and she made a comment about wanting to have quality time with her kids once they hit elementary school, and making work choices that encouraged that to happen. I don’t know why, but that really hit me hard. Like of course, parents should want to spend time with their kids, but I don’t remember my mom ever saying she wanted to spend time with me even as an adult or making decisions that weren’t rooted in childcare, cost, or her own needs. I thought about it some more and I can’t recall any parent, aunt, uncle, family friend making a comment along the lines of wanting to spend more time with their kids.
I know not all Boomers feel this way (my in laws definitely like their kids) but I have noticed most young parents of my generation chose to be parents and really value time with their kids. Part of the reason I think we will be one and done is that I don’t want to feel overwhelmed and miserable all the time, and if I can make an amazing life for one kid, then that’s what I’m going to do.
Anon says
Hi from a fellow OAD mom and adult only child. Yes I enjoy spending time with my child! I would say the closest I got to not enjoying it was age 3 which was very rough for us for a variety of reasons. But even then, when we went away without her it felt really weird in a bad way. We have always had our schedules set up so we have a lot of family time together. We regularly pick her up early from daycare when work schedules permit, and wanting more family time is a big reason we haven’t rushed to put her in lots of activities.
I had progressive parents (they were gentle parents before gentle parenting was a thing) but I definitely felt like they wanted to spend time with me, especially my mom. My dad too but it was a little more “on his terms,” i.e., he wanted to choose when we did it and what we did, whereas my mom was the one who would just go whatever I wanted when I was young.
Anon says
Curious about other replies, but in the baby and toddler years I think it is really hard to set aside “quality time” that you actually enjoy with your child because every free moment you have seems to go towards meeting their endless pit of need. Of course there are moments of joy, but their basic needs just take so much out of you that it is rare that you can meaningfully set aside special time with them to just enjoy being with them. This is especially true for high-needs babies or toddlers, who take so much more out of their parents than the easy to please babies/toddlers. If you get stuck in that pattern early, it can continue when they are older and you can miss the opportunities to enjoy and want to spend more time with your children when they become the more fun and independent ages.
Anon says
Yes. Absolutely. I mean, the colic months where she screamed for 12 hours a day for 5 flipping months straight were brutal, but ever since then I try to maximize family time. My kid is about to turn 5 and she is so smart and funny and enthusiastic and caring. She is really blossoming into an independent person. I miss her when she is gone. I have also noticed that on weeks she is gone (she does grandparent “camp” a few times over the year), I am cranky, super slow at everything, and often working late at the office because I was unfocused all day long, but when she is home I am much more efficient (so I can make sure I get home in time to see her at a reasonable hour) and a more patient, joyful person, in part because her joy is so infectious. Being a parent honestly makes me a better, more intentional, definitely more patient and more thoughtful person.
I also love my job (BigLaw, M&A) and I work to find a balance between the two. That means shifting my schedule around so that I can spend time with her when she is awake. I block my calendar for things that are important to her to make sure I show up at them. I worked (pre-covid) a hybrid schedule so that I was around more in general. I do not spend a lot of time with hobbies, exercising or social engagements without her (e.g., I include her in my baking, we go on lots of walks together and I probably only see friends sans kids maybe every other month).
FWIW, it was common for my parents to want to spend time with us. And for other relatives (aunts and uncles) to want to spend time with us. So I don’t share that experience you had.
Anonymous says
I have two kids, I’m currently a SAHM to a 3yo/5yo and yes I genuinely enjoy time with my kids. We leave a LOT of margin in our schedule/lives so we can spend time as a family. I have a high-needs highly-emotional 3yo and he still cracks me up and gives me the sweetest smiles daily. Parenthood does not equal misery. We definitely have low moments and stressful moments, but I don’t get this time back and don’t want to miss time with my kids.
Cb says
Yep, I do, but I definitely enjoy each year more than the last (he’s just so fun now…) and some days are better than others. I find it more satisfying when I’m not pulled in multiple directions and when we have something immersive to do, bike riding, swimming, artwork, den building, reading books.
But I’m one and done, with a very equal partner, and travel for work which I think helps me feel like a person with plenty of downtime. I think one kid means that we spend more time as a family unit, we aren’t pulled in different directions, which I really like.
Anon says
I do want to spend time with my kids (twins), but sometimes i wish i had one and/or did a lot less solo parenting. I find it hard to be just me and them. It’s gotten a bit easier as they’ve gotten older (now 4), but running an errand with two 2 year olds is just a different ballgame than doing it with only one kid
Anonymous says
My boomer parents prioritized “family time,” and as a kid I found it stifling. We were not allowed to have any weekend activities or to do any activities that met more than once a week or interfered with dinnertime, which prevented me from pursuing my own interests. I was an independent kid with a lot of active and artistic interests who wanted to be doing her own thing and did not enjoy spending time with my parents and younger sister.
As a parent, I do try to create opportunities for everyday “quality time.” We have family dinner every night, no matter how late or early that has to be to work around everyone’s schedule. I take kiddo along on errands, and sometimes we do projects together. Kiddo and I have some shared hobbies and activities, so we spend time together doing those things. We don’t take childfree vacations because our vacation time and budget are limited, I don’t think it’s fair to deny kiddo the experience of travel, and I really enjoy experiencing the world through her eyes. But we also try to make sure that everyone in the family gets adequate alone time and the chance to pursue independent interests.
Anon says
Yes, and I have a toddler. The weekends are still very long, but I get very upset if I don’t see him for bedtime and tend to not do activities on weeknights, so I can see him.
I get what you are saying about your parents. My mom definitely enjoyed spending time with us, but she was our primary caregiver and worked part-time… so she wasn’t actively choosing to spend time with us at the expense of something else. She also underachieved professionally due to marrying young (dropped out of college and went back to school when we were older), and I think that was part of it.
DLC says
I enjoy doing things I like with my kids. (They are 10, 5, and 3). So I take them along with me to museums and hiking and to concerts and botanical gardens and rock climbing and shooting hoops or playing board games or MarioKart . Part of my favorite things about having a kid is having a buddy to do things with. I don’t generally engage with them a lot at playgrounds or children specific things that I don’t personally find enjoyable— i just let them run free there and keep a minimal eye on them. But I do make time for playgrounds and children’s museums because if we don’t get out of the house for some part of the day, everyone gets cranky. Also- I guess the hours of the day have to pass somehow and usually it involves the kids because I don’t want to neglect them and the two littles aren’t old enough to stay home on their own. I do spend less time with the ten year old because she’s more of a homebody and can actually be left at home by herself. Spending time with her takes a more purposeful approach.
i also do very much need time away from my kids (not work) because I find them exhausting on so many levels.
I don’t have a lot of memories from being a small child, but the memories I do have of my mother (my dad mostly just worked) was of her always finding fun things for me and my siblings to do and doing them together.
There is a passage in the book Nothing to See Here where the main character says something like, “Maybe having kids is about showing them the things that you love and hoping they love them too.” And this really resonated with me.
Spirograph says
I could have written all of this. Heartily agree!
So Anon says
Yes, I genuinely enjoy my kids. My kids are a bit older (which is just so weird to say). My son is 11 and my daughter is 8, about to turn 9. I love just being a witness to their lives and hearing about their interests, their days and their lives now that they have lives that are becoming more separate from our home life. I tell them both kids frequently and genuinely that I love watching the people that they are becoming and spending time with them. When it is just the three of us, and we are doing day-to-day stuff, my kids fight which makes the experience decidedly less enjoyable for all.
My challenge is that I am a single parent, and I work in a pretty intense job and do all of the caretaking, parenting and tending to our home. The practical impact of that is that when I am not working, I am frequently trying to get the things done to, you know, keep the home running. Some of our time together happens during the day-to-day grind (grocery shopping, dinner, etc.) I think a statement about making career choices to enable more time in the elementary school year is great but also a rather privileged perspective. I know that some of this is my own baggage, but I would not be comfortable taking a less demanding job, going part-time, or anything similar, when I am entirely financially responsible for myself and my children.
Anon says
I love spending time with my kids and am contemplating dropping my hours to do so. I don’t think my parents felt the same way necessarily. To put it in perspective, my kids were planned, I am older, have more money, and am just generally in a more privileged position where I have choices. They certainly spent more time with me than their parents spent with them. I remember my mom arguing with my dad that he had to spend time with me, so she at least tried. I also think part of it is social media – there are different things to aspire to these days and children are more catered to. The magical childhood of today involves a fancy Montessori playroom, creative activities, and fun trips. The old version of a magical childhood was running around the neighborhood with friends unsupervised until dinner time.
CHL says
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. I have been surprised by how much time I want to spend with my elementary school children in a way that I did NOT want to do with a baby or toddler or pre-schooler. I think this also is related to spending so much more time during pandemic as well as being hyper aware that the time that they will want to hang out with ME is becoming limited. I took a career step “back” or sideways that in my mind is through the end of elementary school and then I can ramp up (I believe this is possible in my career). I think in contrast to my childhood, my mom was a part time teacher and a lot of the other moms had some sort of similar job or didn’t work so it wasn’t a question of what they wanted so much…
Anon says
I very much enjoy spending time with my children, but I’m not sure I have ever said explicitly to them that I wish I had more time with them or one of their cousins.
Anon says
I like spending time with my kids but I would never explicitly say it because I try to model having a healthy work life balance – which also for us means we try to make work seem like a positive thing.
Anonymous says
I don’t say “I wish I had more time to spend with you” to my kids, because that would create its own set of problems, but I do say “I love spending time with you,” “I really enjoyed our day together,” “thanks for being such good company on our walk,” etc. I think there’s a big difference.
Anonymous says
To show the other side. I have a 4 year old and 4 month old. Most of the time I do not enjoy spending time with the 4yo for more than a couple of hours at a time. Kiddo has an intense/needy personality and spends a great deal of the day whining and wanting to do things that are just not possible (e.g., can we please go to the bowling alley???? every.single.day.) A lot of days I feel like if I hear “Mommy!” one more time I will lose my mind. I think my feelings are driven in part by sleep deprivation (thanks new baby and 4yo night terrors) and no time to myself to recharge. Don’t get me wrong–I love my kid. And I am encouraged by so many saying they love spending time with their elementary-aged kids. I have found the 1.5-4.5yo age range to be just… a lot.
Janey says
I mean, sure, I like spending time with my kids. But outside the hours 8:30-5:30 on weekdays seems to be enough. I’m not sure what this means: “she made a comment about wanting to have quality time with her kids once they hit elementary school, and making work choices that encouraged that to happen.” This seems to be implying that typical “work choices,” i.e., just work full time with full time child care, don’t “encourage” spending time with your kids, which I wholly reject. I work 45ish hours per week. That leaves 120+ hours to spend time with kid (ok, minus 55 spent sleeping). I don’t need to be staring deeply into their eyes every moment. Bedtime stories, making breakfast together, the car ride to daycare, hikes/museums/library/pool/going out to eat on the weekend… it’s fine.
Anon says
Your daycare age kids sleep less than 8 hours a night?!
Janey says
Eh, I guess I was tallying up my sleep hours, not theirs. They probably sleep 10 hours per night… I still feel like I get plenty of time with them, which is the point I was making.
Anonymous says
Oster is an academic, so “work choices” probably means writing fewer peer-reviewed articles etc. IIRC she hasn’t had a real academic publication in years. Although she seems to spend an awful lot of time working on being famous.
Anonymous says
I’m sensing a bunch of internalized sexism here: somehow when a male professor does this they are a superstar academic.
Anonymous says
Ha, no, I judge the pop social science dudes just as harshly. No, dear media hounds, you did not discover economics. I was writing about variations in risk preferences between moms and doctors for seminar papers in grad school before anyone ever heard about Emily Oster. It’s not rocket science and it’s not some novel idea she had.
Anon says
I’m no fan of Oster but I’d other people had written books putting some of that into the mainstream maybe we wouldn’t have to be talking about her all the time. Like it would actually be a good thing if sound academic ideas were communicated well to mainstream audiences?
AwayEmily says
I love spending time with my kids, I legitimately look forward to the weekends and evenings, and I am excited to see their faces each morning. I tell them all these things a lot.
HOWEVER, when we are together 24/7 (I’m looking at you, multiple COVID closures) my enjoyment decreases substantially. COVID has really clarified for me that I would not enjoy being a stay at home parent, nor would it be good for my relationship with my kids.
AnonATL says
I enjoy spending time with our only child but he becomes a lot very quickly. He’s 2 and has always preferred me over my husband. I have the “big” job, and I feel a lot of burden with that plus being the preferred parent.
It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older. He’s funny and cute and so adventurous and confident. But he wears me out.
Anonymous says
I’m the anon above with a 4 year old and 4 month old. Your comment about big job + preferred parent really made me have a lightbulb moment! It is hard. Getting marginally easier year by year, sure. But still hard AF.
GCA says
Elder millennial here, raised by Boomers outside the US. My parents definitely chose to be parents (my mom had to go on Clomid to have me), and they valued time with us, but not at the expense of their own interests and personalities, and I don’t think they ever expressed this out loud to us. Their role modeling of that, it turns out, has very much influenced how I want to be a parent.
My parents were involved with volunteering (my mom on her alumnae council, my dad with a club around his hobby) and had semi-regular get-togethers with their friends, with and without us kids. This was possible because they had plentiful cheap/ free childcare (my grandparents, who were in their 50s and very active, as well as a plethora of aunts, uncles, older cousins) in a way that isn’t possible for us right now. I remember wanting to spend more time with them up till at least middle school, but I often asked to do things (boardgames, activities) they weren’t very keen on! My husband was raised similarly by parents who were very involved in their church and volunteer organizations but who also made time to take subsets of their kids on camping trips, outings, etc.
How does that translate into spending time with my kids today — it depends. We try to do a mix of things that they want to do (pretend play but only to their specifications!), things we (adults) want to do (hiking), and things we all (as a family) want to do (splash pad, water park), and also try to hold space for each parent’s individual pursuits. I wish I had a little more flexibility in my day as not all my hours with kids are created equal in terms of mood and energy (by 4pm on a Sunday afternoon we are all kind of spent and grouchy and that is when the TV comes on), but the absolute number of hours spent is plenty. I had Covid recently and missed the little squirts a ton while I was in isolation.
anon says
Any tips for teenage acne, specifically clogged pores on the nose? I’m overwhelmed by the internet. He’s washing his face twice a day (allegedly) with Cetaphil Gentle skin cleanser and moisturizing with Purpose SPF 15 in the morning (also allegedly). He’s 13, so this may just be the beginning, but I want to try and instill good habits while he’s still mostly listening to me.
Anonymous says
Total anecdata, but my husband literally said the other day that acutane was life-changing for him. If it’s “normal” teenage acne, that’s overkill. But if it’s severe, I’d just take him to a dermatologist who can help bring in the right big guns.
Anon says
Cetaphil is not good for acne. Even Dove bar soap is better. If you want a specific product, try Desert essence or the Trader Joe’s tea tree was equivalent. I think Dove is a good option, though.
Anon says
Anyone have advice/resources for pushing back on return to office? My office has been very flexible but then decided to implement mandatory 3 days butts in sears, with the possibility for exceptions. I asked for an exception bc I have 3 young kids (one infant) and we’re still very Covid cautious. I offered one day in the office per week. Well they denied it, stating they would only grant exceptions for documented immune compromised family members. Thoughts? Tips? Advice?
Anon says
They offered exceptions, you applied, they denied it. So I suspect your choices are to either do what they ask or to job hunt (potentially both at the same time). I am immunocompromised and in the office 2-3 days a week (2 is mandatory, but I would not be surprised to see 3 required in the fall). Things I do to make it work:
– I mask (KN95) everywhere outside of my private door-closed office, even though it’s not required (I would say about a quarter of us mask)
– I have a good air purifier running inside said office
– I take lunch meetings outside
– if there are food or beverages at an internal (indoor) meeting, then I forego and take them back to my office to consume later.
I will say that my office culture is a lot better about staying home when experiencing symptoms of any kind, which gives me comfort. If it gives you any comfort, while we have had lots of covid cases in the office, none have spread in the office as far as we can tell (including with our summer interns) and appear to be acquired outside of the office. To say this gently, the world has moved on (for better or worse, definitely worse) and the view from those who are requiring you to come in is that everyone who can be vaccinated is able to be (including my 4YO now, second shot this week, woo hoo!), there are lots of different treatments and, practically, availability and access to them in our area, and plenty of hospital capacity if required (although hospitalizations are still extremely low), so in their view, getting covid will not cause death ergo it’s a nothing-burger, and there are benefits they see to having butts in seats in terms of office culture, spot mentoring, training, etc. As much as it is a pain to come in, I am interacting with my colleagues a lot more when we are down the hall from each other and it is good to see my office friends in person again, even if at the beginning it felt like I was a bare newborn venturing into a very dangerous jungle and it took me time to re-acclimate to being around people and not feeling like someone near me was a mortal threat. So all that to say is, it sounds like your organization values the things that butts in seats generate, there are practical steps you can take to protect yourself, they are generally not seeing office spread, and so you are going to have to play along if that is the job you want to keep.
Not the approach I recommend, but we also have a minority of people that have just refused to comply. And the labor market is such that management is not in a position to fire them while they are otherwise getting work done. But I sit in management meetings, and the attitude toward that is increasingly shifting as recession headwinds are mounting, so YMMV if that is the approach you want to take.
anon says
You’ve gotten the answer, you just don’t like it. I would not recommend pushing back. Mask up.
Ballet says
This is new territory for me. 4.5 year old is persistently asking to take ballet classes. She’s constantly dancing around, saying she’s the sugarplum fairy. I don’t – like sincerely don’t – want to become a dance parent/family and get all in to competitions and the like. I have Reasons, but I also know that I’m getting ahead of myself with that comment. I’d like to give her this experience at 4.5 years old, and especially since it’s a consistently expressed interest. I was not a dancer as a kid, so where do I start? I imagine not all dance studios are created equal. Any reason to do ballet only vs expose her to something else/more? Is it really just word of mouth around town to find a good place?
Anon says
I don’t think “real” ballet starts that early so you don’t need to worry too much about just ballet vs. not. I would avoid competition studios since you know you don’t want to do that and look for things like local non-profits that do little kid classes or parks and rec classes – those will give your kid exposure but not push you into an intense track if you don’t want it.
Anecdotally a friend’s kid is now VERY into ballet at 12 (not pre-professional but as an intense hobby). But she didn’t get serious about it until around 10. Before that she took classes at a local arts org. No competitions or intense pressure involved.
NYCer says
+1. Any ballet class at this age (even at an “intense” studio) will be more play based and not real ballet, so no need to worry about becoming a dance mom at this stage of the game. Like Anon suggested though, there are generally classes through parks and rec, or at a JCC or somewhere similar, that might be better suited for your family since you don’t want your daughter to pursue ballet long term.
Tap dance classes are also really fun at this age!
Anonymous says
The pre-ballet classes at our “intense” professional ballet school are actually more laid-back than those at any competition studio around. They ease families in very slowly. They don’t even offer more than two classes a week until the kids are around 11.
jealous says
Ugh, I wish I was where you are. My daughter loves ballet and it seems like a good thing for her to love (?) so I’m letting her continue it even though it’s now required to be twice a week at second grade (she’s 7 turning 8).
1:48 says
Ours actually is twice a week for the first three years starting at age 8, then it goes up to three classes a week when they start pre-pointe work. But I don’t find twice a week to be excessive in second grade, especially since plenty of other activities (gymnastics springs to mind) require more frequent and/or longer classes.
Spirograph says
This is how the one near me is, too. I just enrolled my 7 year old rising 2nd grader for next year; it’s still only one hour once a week. Their children’s classes start at age 3 and there are various divisions broken down by age up through age 9 beginners. Two days a week is an option for 8-10 year olds with previous experience, and the Academy, which requires audition, begins at 11 at the earliest.
We tried out 3 studios last year when I couldn’t hold her off any longer, and all the little kids dance classes were very play-based. My daughter very specifically only wanted to do ballet, she didn’t like anything that tried to include tap.
anon says
The Little Gym by us did a combo ballet/tap class (with or without gymnastics). That would be another alternative to a rec center class (which I agree with).
Anonymous says
Enroll her in pre-ballet at the school affiliated with your local professional ballet company. Real ballet classes won’t start until age 7 or 8, but pre-ballet with a live pianist and uniforms and all of that will be lots of fun for a kid who is genuinely interested in ballet. They should be learning to listen to the music, count, line up, take turns, observe the etiquette and structure of ballet class, and follow directions. Our professional ballet school does not do any recitals in pre-ballet, does one recital per year for older students, and does not have any sort of competition team. More serious middle and high school students can audition for a group that performs in the community, and older kids can audition for the company’s production of the Nutcracker (which is its own kind of crazy, but at least it only lasts a couple of months).
Do not go to a competition studio even for pre-ballet. She will be so angry when you don’t let her join the team. And competition studios don’t tend to teach solid technique.
Anon says
Pre-ballet does not start at 4. That’s usually more for 6-7 year olds. Preschool ballet is basically just play.
Anonymous says
Our school calls everything up to age 8 pre-ballet. Ages 8 and up are ballet.
Anon says
Most ballet schools distinguish between preschool/kindergarten dance classes (which often don’t even have “ballet” in the name) and formal pre-ballet, which is usually for age 6-7 with actual ballet beginning at age 8. The pre-ballet is much more formal and structured than the dance classes for kids 5 and under.
govtattymom says
If you want to avoid dance competitions, ballet may be a good way to go. The more serious studios (think ballet academies attached to professional companies) usually do not participate in the type of competitions you are envisioning. At 4.5 your daughter could take a class once or twice a week to learn the basic positions and engage in some creative movement. I would ask around your neighborhood and gravitate toward studios that give off a more “serious” vibe (think live piano accompaniment rather than sparkly toddler costumes).
Anonymous says
Agree. This is why we do ballet. And because I find most other dance styles (at least in my area) to be hypersexualized, which I personally don’t find appropriate for my six year old.
anon says
If she’s serious about ballet, there will be no competitions. Real ballet schools do not do competitions. For the littlest dancers there will probably be recitals. Significant, serious ballet training starts around 8.
Anonymous says
I firmly believe that you should not allow a child to start an activity that you don’t intend to let them continue. But as others have said, a real ballet school won’t do any competitions and you may be surprised by how much you like the environment.
Serious ballet instruction can lay the foundation for a lifetime of fitness and enjoyment. Up until the pandemic, my adult ballet class was the highlight of my week. Ballet is actually a very mindful activity. It’s so difficult and requires so much focus that it is literally impossible to think of anything else during class.
OP says
Hadn’t considered that stance, but I do like it. I plan to give it some more consideration. That said, I’d actually be fine with kiddo staying in ballet. But I’ve just seen so many cousins and nieces go down the road of competitive, non-ballet dance and I’m just not here for it. I know ballet culture can have it’s own issues – my sister was a product of youth classes at Boston Ballet and I had a front row seat to some of the commentary and disordered eating that resulted. But I think I (and our generation in general) is more aware and better equipped to stave off a lot of that mess.
Anon says
I would not assume much has changed on the disordered eating and abuse front. My experience is with figure skating, not ballet, but the culture is just as toxic if not more toxic today than it was back then. Maybe ballet is different, but somehow I suspect not.
I also strongly disagree that signing your child up for ballet at 4 means you’re agreeing to let them do it to the highest levels as a teen. Every family has financial, emotional and logistical (school, siblings’ schedules, etc.) requirements that constrain their child’s participation in activities, and if ballet gets to a point where it’s crossing those boundaries you don’t have to let your child continue.
Anonymous says
There is a difference between drawing some boundaries around super intense activities and letting a preschooler fall in love with an activity you have no intention of letting her continue on any level. My daughter wanted to attend a specialized school to focus exclusively on her activity. We said no for academic reasons, but we still support the activity in her regular school and in extracurricular and summer programs.
Anon says
I mean, that’s great if you can afford it and it works for you. But some people can’t afford to do at all or it doesn’t work for their family and their others kids’ needs and that’s ok too. It’s not child abuse to tell a kid they can’t continue something they loved as a preschooler. Preschoolers fall in love with a new thing every day anyway.
Anonymous says
It’s not child abuse, but why not just start with an activity you are willing to support?
Anon says
Because intro activities for young children can have a lot of benefits even if you never specialize in it and make it your main, super competitive “thing” and you can usually use the skills you learn in a lot of different ways.
I agree that it doesn’t make sense for OP to start at a competition studio but doing a preschool dance class is fine even if you don’t think you’d send your kid to ballet boarding academy down the line or whatever.
Spirograph says
I recently re-started ballet classes after dabbling as an adult beginner pre-pandemic, and I am so glad I did! I agree that it’s a very mindful activity — one of the things I like about it is that it’s a mental workout as well as a physical one. Maybe it will get easier when I am better at it, but right now it takes all my concentration to remember the combination and try to maintain my balance and form. It’s a totally different experience than zoning out with a run or lap swimming.
Our family philosophy on kid activities is a little different in that we let the kids try out All The Things, just not all at the same time. This is an ongoing conversation with the kids about priorities and time constraints, but the result is that we take it sign-up by sign-up and both adults and kid have to commit for the duration of the session/season. We don’t look further ahead than that. At some point we might come up against a situation where we cannot, for Reasons, support a kid pursuing the next-higher level of an activity, but we’ll let them start anything because we believe there’s value in learning new things even if you don’t get the chance to master them.
Anonymous says
Hello! I have 3 girls and will never be a dance mom. Do preschool ballet. 3/3 of my kids wanted to be ballerinas at age 3 and were ready to quit by age 6 at the latest.
So Anon says
Does anyone have any great resources (websites, books, podcasts) on how to talk to children (ages 8 and 11) about having an alcoholic family member? I’m looking for resources that I can use to educate myself to talk with my children about their dad (and my ex-husband) who is an alcoholic. (I’ve done Al Anon but my kids are too young for Alateen.) Thanks.
Anon says
Have you looked into your local NAMI affiliate? They could probably point you in the right direction and also have a lot of peer-to-peer resources.
Fallen says
The addiction inoculation has some helpful parts on this
anon says
I’m sorry–this is so hard.
I don’t have any resources, but the standard 90s messaging (elementary school? tv?) on not getting in a car with a drunk driver and what to do if a drunk person wanted to drive me was really helpful to me once I was old enough to recognize drunk. I’m sure you’ll do even better than what I got (which worked to help me keep myself safe as a child).
Anonymous says
Have any of you used a nanny agency and what was your experience? I’m looking for a nanny for my twins but weird hours (one weekend a month and two afternoons a week). Our current nanny is wonderful but doesn’t want to nanny anymore. We found her on care dot com but subsequent candidates I’ve interviewed there seem flaky.
Anon says
We used a nanny agency when we were interviewing, but ultimately found our current nanny on care.com. I was underwhelmed by the agency, TBH. But in general we had like 50 responses, did video interviews with maybe 8-9 people, met 4 in person, and hired 1. So we had to weed through a LOT of responses (many of which clearly hadn’t read the ad – it’s great that you’re a 22 year old sporty dude that would love to teach my kid lacrosse and soccer, but she’s 3 months, so…)
Anonymous says
We used a nanny service for temporary nannies and I was not impressed. Some of the nannies were great, but most were flaky. I did like not having to worry about background checks, payroll, tax compliance, etc. myself.
CCLA says
We have many times, both for one off coverage, night nurses, and for a full time nanny for our youngest when she was an infant. The one-off coverage was fantastic. I did not have the bandwidth to maintain a roster of sitters and DH and I work outside the home and have no family here, so we leaned heavily on that and would use them for a few weeks a year when daycare was closed or when the kids were sent home for mild illness (pre-covid). We also used them to find a full time nanny when our youngest was an infant, for about 10 months, and had a great experience (though admittedly we hired someone we had used for one of those week-long closures before, so we knew what we were getting to some extent). I got so tired of wading through care dot com responses, but did find someone wonderful there once. I do like that the agency will work on replacement services in certain situations like the nanny quitting.
Quality can vary though. I signed up with a larger agency when we were commencing our nanny search and was super underwhelmed by their process and responsiveness and ability to listen to what was important to us. We stopped working with them after a couple of weeks. We had better luck with a smaller agency where the owner was heavily involved.
anon says
We used a nanny agency that screened AND handled payroll, and one that was just a recruiting service. I think they are good for screening/weeding people out, but I don’t think the nannies either found are particularly better or worse than on care.com; they are all looking at the same recruiting pool. I can’t remember how much the first agency cost (it might just be a couple of dollars per hour fee), but they were geared towards part-time nannies/college students, and I wanted someone full time. The recruiter cost quite a bit of money. When the first nanny quit after three months, we did get a replacement, but when SHE quit after three months, we would have had to pay another fee (they did offer a discount).
Anonymous says
Why would anyone be willing to work that schedule?
anon says
I’ve worked with 3 agencies. Two local agencies did a marvelous job of screening candidates. One was especially good at only recommending candidates that would be an excellent fit, though they recommended very few candidates. One put together amazing dossiers of notes with their calls from previous employers taken throughout the years, since nannies would often go back to the same agency for placement every 5-10 years as the family they were with outgrew needing a nanny.
My only bad experience was with a newer agency that sent me a candidate who had a big, poor-quality lie on her application.
Given that you need a less common schedule, you should ask up front if the agency thinks they can find a suitable candidate and how difficult it will be. I think the excellent agencies in my area would have a hard time filling that kind of role since they mostly work with professional nannies and this wouldn’t be enough hours for the average professional nanny.
Anon says
Hoping to get more advice about my 4.5 year old who suddenly has terrible separation anxiety. Thanks to the people who responded last week.
We did try to talk to her about it, but she wasn’t really able to articulate anything concrete. I don’t think this is a friend issue, because it’s happening not only at school but also at bedtime and when she goes to her beloved grandparents’ house, but I did ask the teachers and they said there was nothing they saw that was concerning and she’s happy once she recovers from us leaving. She has two close friends at school and the three girls seem to play together really nicely, but my daughter also plays with other kids when her close friends aren’t there or aren’t interested in doing whatever she wants to do.She does seem to do better at school dropoffs when we’ve let her sleep in our bed the night before, so maybe we should just give into that for the short term? (There’s only one week of school left and then a couple weeks of vacation where we’ll be room-sharing by necessity.) But maybe that’s just kicking the can down the road.
Anonymous says
If she recovers quickly and is happy the rest of the day I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Drop and run!
Anon says
She recovers but not super quickly. Teachers say it’s 30-45 minutes of crying every day. It’s a huge change for a kid who has never cried at drop off ever. Also not just an issue with school – she cries hysterically at bedtime (unless she’s in our room) and when she leaves to go to her grandparents, even when my husband leaves the house and she’s home with just me. It’s just so weird. I feel like something must be going on to explain this sudden behavior change, but I don’t know what.
AwayEmily says
Random but when our kids are having bouts of separation anxiety we will often give them physical objects to keep with them. At night, it’s usually one of our t-shirts. During the day, it’s something like a little heart I cut out of cardboard and write our initials on. This sounds intense enough that those little fixes may not work but thought I”d offer it just in case.
It’s hard — even when you know intellectually that something is almost certainly just a phase, it feels so intense when you are in it (my 4.5yo is currently in a phase of saying “I hate you, you are the worst mama in the world” when he is angry and it sucks).
EDAnon says
Is there any way you or your husband could take a day off and have a parent-kid day? She may just feel somewhat disconnected for you (which is hard to articulate). That may explain why sleeping with you all helps.
Bette says
My two year old just started having intense separation anxiety and crying at bedtime (no problems before) and it’s helped a lot to talk explicitly about coping techniques with him. E.g., “If you feel sad when mommy/daddy leaves the room, what can you do to calm your body down?” We have a short list of things that we repeat together, things like taking deep breaths, hugging his baby doll, close his eyes and think about his favorite people, count to ten, sing a song to himself, wiggle his toes… etc etc. It’s not a total silver bullet but it helps a lot (especially when we go through the list 3-4 times throughout the evening before bed). Good luck – it’s so hard when something that was easy suddenly becomes so hard and painful for them!