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M.M. LaFleur’s Soyoung T-Shirt is $75 and comes in seven colors. (I have “huckleberry.”) It’s available in sizes XS–XXL. You can also bundle and save by buying any two or more M.M. LaFleur T-shirts.
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Anon says
I’m trying to be on the ball for summer. For little kids going to day camp, does anyone have a towel rec that is easier for a small 4 yo to carry back and forth in a backpack? I was planning to send with a regular beach towel, but am wondering if anyone has found something that would be lighter/smaller that isn’t super expensive.
Anonymous says
The oldest cheapest towel currently in your home is perfect.
Anne-on says
We did 3 of the pottery barn towels once they went on sale (which it looks like they are now) and put kiddos name on them. Otherwise towels get mixed up/lost – this just made it easier for our kid (and the camp) to easily find and send home the right towel. Also even at that age (and my kid is small too) my son preferred carrying a large towel as he wanted to be able to fully wrap up in it, and cover as much of his body as possible. We live in MA though, so swimming in June can be COLD up here – ignore this if you’re in say, Texas ;)
Spirograph says
I don’t know about super expensive, but you might want to check out yoga towels — they’re still full size to fit on a yoga mat, but usually thinner and more absorbent.
For our kids, we send cheap old kid beach towels (so more like bath towel size than beach towel size) that are old enough that they are no longer fluffy and therefore pack much smaller. I think they’re from Target, they have Paw Patrol and other various characters on them
AwayEmily says
Yup, cheap Target beach towels all the way. I think ours were like $5 each and because they are pretty thin they fold up well, plus I don’t care if they get lost, which they invariably do.
ElisaR says
yes. old navy ones are also pretty thin and cheap!
Anon says
Either a camping towel or a turkish towel would be good for a lightweight easy to pack towel.
Cb says
I bought turkish towels of Etsy and they are really nice and fold up super small.
Anon says
At least at our camp, the kids all bring regular beach towels. We roll them nicely to fit in the morning, and they usually are just carrying them lose (and still wet) when I pick up at the end of the day.
If you have a few already, send those the first few times and then ask a counselor or your kid what the other kids are carrying, or what kind of backpack they’re using. Especially if it’s a multi-age camp, the younger ones will likely want the same as older kids, aka a beach towel. Our camp is a mix of regular backpacks and those drawstring backpacks. We used a drawstring bag from Athleta Girl and two freebie drawstring bags from an MLB game, and apparently those were the star backpacks last year.
CHL says
We used Dock & Bay Small Compact Towel for Camping for our kids in daycamp – it’s microfiber, has a little pouch and is absorbent.
anon says
Don’t send anything nice, honestly. Things get dragged around, lost, etc. Save the nice towels for family outings to the pool. Target towels are inexpensive, smaller, and if you lose them, you’re out $5-10.
anon DC says
Hi Hive! My almost 8 year old daughter is really interested in trying out for travel soccer. She has done a few seasons in our local rec league and seems ready to advance. I have never played a sport, actually have tried to avoid them as much as possible. So, tell me, what is travel soccer about? The program has several info sessions and tryouts that we will attend, but I would love to hear your experiences. I am guessing that no one from my daughter’s school will join this team, so she will not know anyone. Also, the program does not mention how far we have to travel or if we will be staying overnight. We also have a 5 year old boy who is not as into soccer and I wonder what the experience will be like for him, so far we try to do everything together as a family. Thanks, all!
Anon says
it can be very time consuming, but for some it can be a wonderful outlet. in some ways it will be nice for her to have a group of soccer friends that is different than her school friends, in case there are ever any issues or challenges at school. i think finding out how far the travel is is a great question to ask at an info session. you will likely end up splitting up more on weekends as your 5 year old starts to have more of a life of his own, and you don’t want him to feel resentful of being dragged to soccer tournaments every weekend. sometimes there are also local leagues that are a step up from rec, but don’t involve quite so much travel, so you might want to see if that is available in your area. have fun and good luck!
Anonymous says
My daughter does another travel sport, but not soccer. “Travel” can mean anything from occasional day trips to frequent overnights. Many programs have different levels of teams with different levels of travel. It’s important to get all the details from the program and to talk to veteran parents to learn what it’s really like. Also try to gauge the level of competitiveness among kids and especially parents within the team, and make sure you are comfortable with it. It’s easy to get caught up in the arms race of private lessons, off-season training, extra conditioning, etc., even if you start out swearing you’ll never get sucked in to the craziness.
From my own experience and from observing other families in my daughter’s sport and other sports, I have come to the conclusion that it is extremely unfair to siblings to prioritize one child’s sport and to drag the rest of the family along. On my daughter’s team, there was one very talented girl whose parents forced their two other children to quit their own activities so they could attend all of the chosen one’s competitions. The favored child eventually quit the sport. Another family I know made their middle daughter attend all of her older and younger brothers’ baseball tournaments, so she was unable to participate in any sports of her own. One couple with whom we are good friends does their very best to send only one parent to their daughter’s competitions and leave the other home with their younger son. When they have no choice but to bring the younger brother along, he is bored and resentful, and really, who could blame him? In general, families seem to have the most fun when one parent makes the sports travel a special one-on-one event with the athlete, and the other stays home and has special fun with the other kids. I’d make an exception if the destination is a fun vacation spot where it wouldn’t be fair not to take the other kids.
Anonymous says
100%. We have 3 kids. They are all still young but love sports. They are athletic but not…future olympians. DH and I know we are resisting merit scholars not athletic scholars but figure more sports / exercise is great.
We divide and conquer on weekends and have a robust carpool network. We tell the kids that if they all want to do ALL THE THINGS then they can’t expect mom and dad at all the games/practices. They’re fine with that. My 10 year old plays lax because she “likes the uniforms and dance parties at practice and that we can go to Starbucks after away games.” ;)
Spirograph says
+1 to carpooling and dividing and conquering, I also have 3 kids. One is in a “travel” sport (but only greater-DC area travel, usually within an hour or so of home), one is in a county rec league, but our county is geographically big, so some games are just as far away as the league officially billed as travel. Those sports are offset seasons from each other, which helps a lot. They do less time-intensive activities in the off seasons. My daughter is very much not a team player, and does dance, which is year round, but at least has a consistent location (she is not on a competition team). We’re committed to letting each kid pursue one activity of their choosing, and while weekends can get logistically complicated, it’s working out so far.
OP, our travel sport is not soccer, so take this with a grain of salt, but in case it’s helpful: There are 1-2 practices on weeknights, depending on whether there’s a skills clinic that week, and 1 game on the weekend. Last season, which may have still been slightly covid-weird, there were several mini-tournaments where the kids burned themselves out completely playing 3 shortened games back-to-back, in a big 2-3hour block rather than spread out over the whole weekend. There also were some tournaments with 1-2 games per day over multiple days on the weekend. Twice, the first game of the tournament was DURING SCHOOL HOURS on Friday, which I thought was totally inappropriate and my son skipped those. There were ideas floated to go to a couple tournaments that would have required hotel stays, but due to covid, those died on the vine.
IMO, for travel sports, to a much greater extent than rec league, the team management, teammates and their families really make or break the experience. We lucked out with a great team manager, a great group of parents, and my son really clicked with his teammates, but I’ve heard mixed experiences from others. The team manager, in particular is a crucial position because he/she can set the tone as much or more than the coach, especially for the parents.
Anon says
I think there is a bit of a middle ground here. I agree that it’s not fair if the non-sport child has to give up activities to travel to a sibling’s games. HOWEVER, I was the non-sport kid, and absolutely loved going with my parents to my brother’s games. I always felt like I got special “hotel” time with my parents doing stuff that wasn’t allowed at home – watching movies in bed with them, getting to listen to my music in the car on rides to games, going out for special meals just the 3 of us, etc. They did a really nice job of making me feel like the hotel time was “my” time carved out in an otherwise busy schedule. We were going to small towns in Ohio, so it’s not like it was some super fancy destination – just the fact of traveling felt special. Again, I wasn’t giving anything up to attend these games, but I still have really warm, fond memories of my time with my parents on these trips — and am super close with my brother still. My parents also did a great job of pointing out how much I cheered for him, and playing up my involvement in his games.
Anon says
+1I’m an only child who only has one kid but it really doesn’t seem like a big deal to me to make a kid occasionally go to a sibling’s game. It can still be a fun trip for the non-sport kid (my kid would absolutely love a stay in any hotel with a pool, no matter how boring a place it was in). A child shouldn’t be resentful unless it’s constant and they’re being asked to sacrifice their own activities and social life, which I agree is inappropriate.
Anon says
+1. Give a lot of thought to your family dynamics here. My 9 year old was invited to try out for the travel team, and she really wanted it, but we had to say no. I solo parent quite often and she has younger siblings, so the 3x/week practice and several overnight tournaments each season (with parent volunteer requirements) meant it wouldn’t be fair to the other kids – they wouldn’t be able to do their own sports.
And quite frankly, I don’t want our family weekend time to be absorbed by one sport for one kid. Even if my DH was home more often, I don’t think I’d want to split up every weekend for 8 months straight. I prefer to have a date night or spend the day on a family hike or explore a nearby cultural festival, esp when the kids are still young enough to want to be with us.
Anne-on says
This is where we fall too. We do clinics/weekend classes for sports but it’s mostly for health and coordination, as our kid is definitely not super sporty. I have a very close friend who’s teen just got a full scholarship from soccer but that required YEARS of dedication including almost no family vacations (summer training, required vacation clinics) and travel to away games. I simply wasn’t willing to hand over my weekend time/holidays/summers to child sporting events.
anonM says
I second this. The costs widely varies too. I’d ask about what the expectations are for off-season now, and as the child gets older in this league. For example, do they expect the middle schoolers to play year-round? Discourage missing games for family vacations? Expect them to condition off-season? Some leagues buy new uniforms, special matching bags, etc. every season. I did travel that was very low-key. But the range here is extreme. I know a family that did at least one private session with a trainer per season, per kid.
While your kiddo isn’t yet at that level/age, you want to consider the trajectory for kids in this league because it can be hard to scale back once you start doing travel and your kiddo’s skills accelerate.
Anonymous says
This is a really good point–you need to look ahead at what’s down the road next year, in two years, in five years. It is extremely unfair to put a kid on a certain path and then take it all away a few years later when you decide the family can’t handle it any longer. It’s much kinder to set the upper limits of what you are willing to support up front, before the kid invests a huge amount of time and passion.
Anonymous says
Hmm. Our town soccer is actually all travel starting in 3rd grade, so this may be different. They play local towns, maybe 20-30 min max travel.
The club teams around play at a more elite level and travel is up to 45 min. Tournaments are sometimes overnight.
Anon says
I have 3 kids, and my older 2 are very sports oriented. They each play a sport, and we will definitely sign them up for travel if they express an interest (around us, travel starts a little later). I know that sports sometimes get a bad rap here (and in some cases, rightfully so, based on all the examples above — kids are forced into the sport, parents get too competitive, kids are overscheduled, siblings get neglected, etc.), but I just want to be a voice that says it can be an awesome path if done well. My husband and I were both competitive athletes who played all the way through a D1 college on scholarship, and he could have gone on to play professionally. 20 years later, and we still live in the same neighborhood with our best friends/college teammates, and still play our sports for fun (and compete locally). We’ve also seen a lot of the problems that are outlined above.
From both the athletes’ and parents’ perspective, I suggest the following for success:
most critical – parents CANNOT get wrapped up in their kids’ success. I was highly, highly, highly successful and decorated in my hometown, and also had seasons where I absolutely bombed. My parents came to every game and acted 100% the same after every single game – happy, cheerful, fun, loved being there, met other parents who became friends, etc. They never tried to “coach” me after games; they just told me how much fun they had watching me (there is a great article out there that does a great in depth analysis that the most successful athletes’ favorite thing to hear was “I loved watching you” – no coaching). I never felt like I let them down when I had a bad game or season. Ever. I wanted to do well, but there was no parental pressure associated with it. They just genuinely loved going to games. Friends whose parents got really wrapped up in their success had a much harder time, and many burned out really early. I see this with parents on my kids’ teams – the parents go up to their kids right after a game and tell them all the things they should do next time. All the athlete hears is “I watched you, and just saw what you did wrong.” It’s really, really demoralizing as an athlete, and adds so much pressure. Despite playing the same sport as my daughter, I have consciously never offered advice to her unless directly asked, and even then, I usually direct her to her coaches.
As a parent, we have a high school babysitter come to our house for every game, as both my husband and I like to go to games. Siblings have the option to stay home with the sitter or attend with us. About 80% of the time, the older sibling will attend the game, but usually because there is a playground in close proximity. We never force the sibling to actually “watch” the game. Same goes for away games – you can spend the night with a friend, but usually they like coming — we try to make it a fun hotel night, as the poster above suggests. Everyone in our house loves a good hotel pool.
Follow the kid’s lead. My daughter specifically asked for additional instruction in her sport because she was struggling with one aspect of it. I got her two sessions with a private coach for her birthday, and she was grateful. I’ve seen parents force the private coach or force the kids into playing their sport all year, and these kids tend to burn out. Our kids have enjoyed picking other activities during off seasons, and I think we are all grateful for the break.
Again, I just want to be a voice that competitive sports were awesome for me, my brother, my husband, and so far, 2 of our kids (the other one loves music, so we are trying to adopt the exact same attitude with music lessons). I was a painfully shy kid, and I didn’t come out of my shell until I found a sport I loved. Yes, it can be expensive and time consuming, but I credit my marriage, health, collegiate experience, and life long friends with having a really positive relationship with sports (cultivated thanks to my awesome parents). Good luck!!
Anon says
I second all of this. I did a really intense, time-consuming sport with a lot of weekend travel from ages 8-18 and even though I didn’t get to the Olympic level or close, I had a very positive experience and learned a lot of life lessons that served me well outside of sports. I think my parents not putting pressure on me was a huge factor in why I had such a good experience.
Spirograph says
Thanks for this. I have at least one very sports-oriented kid, but my competitive sportiness topped out at elementary school softball and summer swim team, so your perspective as someone who has Been There is really helpful! I love the idea to have a babysitter as an option for games.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I love this, thank you for sharing. I hope to adopt this attitude for my kids, especially my older one, for whom I see sports as a good way to channel his energy and need to move move move, and build up his confidence and also to make friends. I didn’t do any sports growing up, but I wish I had, mostly for the camaraderie. My husband did cross country through college, which he loved.
We’re doing intramural soccer for now, but I could see travel in the future if he’s still interested.
Pogo says
Echo this. I was also a D1 and pre-elite athlete in college and though I ultimately made the decision not to purse anything after college, it absolutely transformed my HS and college experience. I still talk to my HS and college teammates frequently. It also really helped me not be too consumed with either my sport or school – on days one was going badly, I could lean into the other and not feel like my life was over.
I was an only child, so didn’t have the sibling issue, but my mom was pretty involved in the parents’ association of my sport and travelled with me. However, we often had a bus or carpools for longer trips in HS so there wasn’t a requirement that parents attend. One of my best friends did a different sport than her siblings, so her mom didn’t travel with us and my mom kind of ‘adopted’ her on the road, which was actually really sweet. My mom never tried to coach me, mostly she was helpful in navigating the social dynamics of team sports (“if only you hadn’t done x we would have won!”) which is honestly very applicable in the workplace.
Anon says
I love that my post resonated! I was not your typical “sporty” kid as a young child, so it made finding a sport I loved starting in late middle school even more fun. Agreed also that having school and sports going at the same time meant I could trade off my focus, and never get too bogged down in either world. I was still very active in student government and other extracurriculars while competing at a high level.
Final note – all the sporting lessons really did translate well into real life. I still use the calming techniques I used before competing to calm nerves before public speaking or court appearances (I’m also generally more comfortable being uncomfortable). I agree with the above poster that navigating teams translated well into the work place. I also overcame my shyness and swear I make friends more easily now as an adult because I’m used to being thrown into a big group where you quickly bond with other people.
DLC says
I played travel soccer from about age eleven to thirteen, so not sure how it is now. But at the time it ranged from weekend overnights to day trips. Usually one parent drove me to tournaments and the other stayed home with my brother. If for some reason my parents couldn’t drive, it was my responsibility to find a ride. They would hand me the phone list and I would call around until I found someone I could carpool with. I was a pretty shy kid and hated having to make the phone calls, but it was one of those things that my parents said was my responsibility if I wanted to play. Honestly to me, eight feels young to be playing travel soccer, but that might be just how things are these days…?
Anon says
Blarg, we’ve all got COVID over here. No one feels terrible but no one feels great either and I’m feeling guilty we gave it to my mom and my sister’s two little kids (although I guess who really knows).
Clementine says
I’ve got it right now and dude… the brain fog is real. I just had to tell my boss I need the rest of the day off… I’ve been trying to edit a document for 45 minutes and I just feel like I’m not firing on all cylinders.
Fallen says
Ugh sorry. We all just had it and 3 year old just got it. I think we may have given it to others too (kids teacher), so understand the guilt. Although to your point it’s going around like crazy so who knows.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry! I’ve had the mild versions, and being sick is bad, no matter how mild.
I find it fascinating to hear of whole families being ill. I was just reflecting this morning that right now I don’t know anyone who has Covid—in fact, it’s been weeks since I’ve heard of anyone having it. This is a stark contrast to earlier this year, when it seemed like everyone I knew was somewhere in the cycle of sick, exposed, isolating, etc. and we were constantly all rescheduling meetings, appointments, and gatherings.
Anon says
Really? I feel like it’s surging in a big way right now. My SIL and BIL in Georgia just got it for the second time (first time was in January in NYC so def Omicron), my close friends in California just got it for the first time, we’re in Indiana and our OT had to cancel an appointment because she tested positive, several acquaintances /colleagues currently have it, and our daycare currently has two cases in separate classrooms – the first daycare cases since early February.
Pogo says
We seem to be deep in another surge here – at least 1 person on all my calls today is either sick or quarantining after exposure. I was a near-miss close contact earlier this week in fact at work which is the first time in the whole pandemic I’ve had that.
Anonymous says
A quarter of my department at work has it (and we are remote so the cases are unrelated), as well as multiple people in my kid’s class and many of our other friends.
Anon says
Our daycare currently has 4 out of 7 rooms quarantined for exposure, the most since the pandemic began.
Anon says
I was certain our time had finally come after avoiding it for two years – whole family except me is sick with bad coughs, fevers, aches etc. Turns out it’s the flu. Good luck.
Mm says
PSA for quarantiners: a bunch of toys are 50% off at target today. The deal showed up on the front page of the app for me.
Anonymous says
Talk to me about room sharing. We’re in a two story with master down and three bedrooms up. Two of the bedrooms up are tiny(10×10): one is designed as a MIL suite so we use that for guests. My 5 year old is in the biggest room upstairs. My 15 month old twins are currently separate due to sleeping issues/illness: one crib in mil suite, one in 10×10 room. I’m thinking when they turn two though I might let them room share with my will-be-six year old. Is that a terrible idea? He has a twin-over-full bunk bed currently and he said he’d like to share his room…but he’s also five, so you know, some days he wants to be a horse too. Thanks for any advice!
AwayEmily says
I don’t think it’s crazy! We moved our kids in together when they were 2 and 4 and it went quite well. They’re now 4 and 6 and still like sharing a room, and haven’t ever expressed interest in splitting up and indeed, have recently started talking about how excited they are for their baby sister to move in there, too (that is the plan but not til she’s at least 18 months). The Hatch light helped a lot for keeping things under control at bedtime and in the morning — we taught them that when it’s purple they are allowed to talk/play, when it’s yellow they need to be quiet/try to sleep, and green means okay to come downstairs.
Anonymous says
Nope, not a terrible idea, you can probably get several years out of this arrangement.
Our house layout is 2 bedrooms down, 1 giant bedroom up. DH and I have one of the downstairs bedrooms. The second one was a nursery when we had babies but is now my office. Kids A & B shared from the time B was born, when C was born, we moved the two of them upstairs. C joined them when he was about 2. They are now 5, 7 and 9 and all share the upstairs. It’s worked out really well so far; we’re hoping to move, and one of my daughter’s “requirements” for the new house is to have her own room (right now she has a semi-private alcove, but there’s no door between that and her brothers’ bunk bed), but all of them are generally happy with the current situation.
Anonymous says
I don’t understand why you’d put three kids in together when you live in a 4 bedroom house.
AwayEmily says
On the other hand, why NOT do this? If they seem happy and you want the rooms for other things, I think it’s reasonable. We have a 4br house: the kids room, our room, a tiny office, and a guest room. Right now the baby is sleeping in the guest room but we have family stay with us a lot so it’s not ideal long-term. It’s also nice to keep all the kid stuff contained to one room. Obviously if the kids start hating room-sharing we can move things around but if it’s working why not roll with it.
Anonymous says
You lack imagination. There are lots of good reasons, but here are the ones that jumped into my head first:
1. Consolidate toys
2. Ease of getting kids ready in the morning
3. Use the other rooms for other things (home office, MIL suite)
4. The kids like being together (my kids pitied friends who slept alone in a room until very recently)
Anonymous says
There’s plenty of people who do this because their kids want to room share!! We don’t because 1) our house had smaller bedrooms and 2) our kids need daily quiet time away from each other.
Anonforthis says
Talk to me about vasectomies. DH has expressed that he is one and done since LO was born. And yet he is hesitant about having a vasectomy, without providing any justification. I used to think I wanted multiple kids, but after the past two years I don’t know how I’d handle it and I am content with the joy of my one. And I would like the certainty of a choice and some responsibility on him, especially in the current environment.
Anne-on says
Does anyone else he knows have one? Almost all the dads on our block/my husband’s friends have them as the wives all declared they were done with kids and it was now the dad’s job to step up and shoulder (some) of the burden. The dad’s also seemed to talk about it as ‘she had the kids, it’s my turn to do my share’. That seemed to help with the ‘ouchy, no fun, don’t wanna’ mental block.
Anonymous says
+1 they seem pretty common in my husband’s friend group. My husband thought of it more as it was his turn to be responsible for birth control. I didn’t actively hate hormonal BC, but DH thought it made more sense for him to do a little one-time procedure than for me to mess with my body chemistry, which I appreciate.
Anon says
Agree that peer pressure is very beneficial in this scenario. Both my BILs have had vasectomies so my husband just casually assumed he’d be having one when we’re done having kids.
EDAnon says
This. Also, my husband expressed that one thing that was really hard about doing it was feeling old – he wasn’t going to have anymore babies and it hit him that he’s older/ approaching middle age. Just him sharing that made him feel better (and I feel old too! So I could totally relate!).
FVNC says
Yep, almost all the men/fathers in our circle who we know closely enough to discuss medical procedures with has had one. My husband is in the military (so, traditionally very masculine work environment) and apparently it was a very open topic of discussion among his colleagues. In our case, it helped that we were both 110% sure we did not want any more children.
AnonATL says
Same. Husbands best friend got a vasectomy after getting his wife pregnant while she had a well placed iud. He told my husband all about it and now he’s way more on board.
Anon says
I don’t have advice about how to convince him but I’m firmly in the camp that men should have vasectomies when the couple is done having kids, especially with Roe overturned and abortion soon to become illegal in more than half the states. Every birth control method except tubal ligation has a higher failure rate and tubal ligation is a much riskier and more invasive procedure. Of course if the man isn’t sure he’s done having kids I understand his hesitation, but that’s not your situation.
Anonymous says
This is where I stand as well. Sterilization is much less invasive for men than for women and doesn’t require general anesthesia, so it makes most sense for the man to do it.
Pogo says
And not to scare anyone but I know someone who ended up with an ectopic after her tubal somehow. I think she was pretty far along by the time she realized and lost an ovary and was in bad shape for awhile. Also she was like 43. Just a not fun time all around, and this was with prompt medical attention.
Anonymous says
Condoms every time until he gets one
Anonymous says
My spouse and practically all my friends’ spouses have had them. I think mine was a little squeamish, and since they are not 100 percent certain to be reversible we had some conversations about whether he was truly done having kids independent of me (if I die, if we get divorced god forbid, etc)- decided the chances of those happening were small enough it didn’t make sense to plan around them, and also two kids is enough. Our options were that or barrier method for ten plus years so that was a good motivator.
Anon says
You can also bank sperm if that’s a concern.
anon says
If a couple is done having kids, but there’s a lingering sense of “what if?”, it’s easy to bank sperm prior to a vasectomy. Insurance plans with reproductive assistance benefits may even cover some of the (modest) costs.
I think it’s appalling for a man to drag his feet on a vasectomy if a couple is agreed on no more children. To my knowledge, vasectomy is by far the safest option for a couple that is done having children. What if the woman experiences one of the real, but rare, serious adverse side effects of birth control when the man could have just gotten a vasectomy?
Anon says
I switched off of hormonal BC to condoms. That didn’t motivate DH (he was willing as soon as we decided it was time), but he did appreciate not having to use condoms (plus the risk of condom failure…ugh).
ElisaR says
my husband had one and recovery involved a lot of groaning but now that we’re past that i can say it was the best choice for our family! it’s fairly common in our group of friends but there’s a couple guys who grumble and look scared when the topic comes up.
Anon says
If it’s true, you could tell him that the fear of getting pregnant is inhibiting your ‘gardening’ drive. That was definitely true for me, and would be an even bigger concern in the post-Roe world.
Anon says
My husband was committed to getting one but dragged his feet about it (it was also 2020, so I kind of get it, but I’m pretty sure he would have anyway). The thing that really motivated him was me pointing out in October that we’d met our insurance deductible for the year and that it would be basically free if he got it done in the next 2.5 months. If he waited, it would have been way more expensive. No joke he picked up the phone and called a urologist the minute I walked out of the room, had a consult the following week, and the procedure 3 weeks later. I was slightly horrified that that’s what motivated him (I had also gotten an IUD placed at my 6 week pp visit, so we did have BC in place and the pressure was off), but also thrilled that I found the right lever. I realize it’s pretty situation dependent, but… just in case it fits your situation, something to try! He was pretty uncomfortable for a few days, but that was partly because he tried to do too much right after. No regrets for either of us (3 kids and very, very sure that’s our max even though at the time he did it I still had a vague idea I could go for 4 but rationally knew it wasn’t happening).
Anonymous says
We have 3 kids and knew we didn’t want more. When my 3rd was about a year and a half, Inthink we had a conversation about “yup, okay, we really are done!” And even before I said anything, DH said “okay so my turn for birth control, right?” He did all the research and got it taken care of.
As others have said it’s common in our (suburban) circle. At the time he didn’t chat with anyone about it but it has come up now and again and I would say easily half our friends
have had it done. Likely many more.
Fwiw his recovery was a lot harder than expected. It took him a week to be semi comfortable and a few months to feel normal. He had is done in late 2019 and says every now and again he gets a weird twinge. But regrets nothing.
Not ok says
I’m shaking I’m so mad – so talk me down if you think this isn’t that big a deal. I work from home part time so I do a lot of childcare things along with our nanny. After I put the baby down for her 1st nap, I handed the monitor to the new nanny and said I was going to sleep after a rough night. I wake up and see that she has texted me while I was asleep that she is taking the preschooler outside and to tell her if the baby wakes up. I check the nest cam and see that the baby was awake and crying for twenty minutes before nanny came and got her. If the nanny had asked, I would have told her that monitor still works in the yard. What do I do here? We don’t love this nanny for a number of reasons but she’s… adequate. Until now.
Anon says
I think what she did is unprofessional but not unsafe. She didn’t leave the baby alone in the house, which would be dangerous. Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think a baby crying for 20 minutes without attention (assuming baby is in a safe space like a crib) is that big a deal and I can think of other situations in which a nanny or parent might leave a crying baby alone for that long (for example, if she was helping the 3 year old in the bathroom and didn’t hear the monitor). I don’t know that I ever let it go quite that long, but I definitely had days as a new parent where I didn’t get a crying baby immediately.
Anonymous says
To me this is not great but also not terrible. I don’t think 20 minutes of crying is going to traumatize your child. I’d be more frustrated that she texted me when I said I was sleeping. But I’m sleep deprived so that probably affects my answer. I don’t think you should fire her but if there’s a lot of other stuff going on then go for it. I would talk to her though: hey please don’t text me when I’m sleeping. Also I expect you to check on the baby every 5-10 minutes when you’re outside.
Spirograph says
Oooh I’d probably be equally furious in your situation, but without emotional skin in the game, I don’t think it’s so big of a deal, and it also sounds kind of like you set yourself up for this by doing “a lot of childcare things along with [the] nanny.” It was not OK for her to think of you as an adult-in-charge when she is being paid to be that person for both kids (I assume), but 20 minutes of crying is not a horrific outcome, and none of this was objectively unsafe.
Take some deep breaths, then calmly tell her that the monitor works in the yard, and draw some boundaries. If you expect her to be the sole point person for childcare during her on-duty hours unless you explicitly agree *while awake* to take responsibility for one or both children, you need to say that. To me, it sounds like you’re muddying the waters by pitching in while you’re working from home.
Anon says
+1 to the second paragraph.
Boston Legal Eagle says
+2 She needs to know that she’s the point person for both kids when you’re working. And that probably means you stop doing childcare related things even if you’re home.
NYCer says
+3. Since you regularly pitch in while she is there, I think you need to make it explicitly clear when you expect that she will be responsible for both kids. Also, let her know that the monitor works in the yard.
Pogo says
Agree on the muddying the waters. I specifically make myself scarce while nanny is there if I don’t want to be involved.
anon says
You don’t seem like you have great boundaries with this nanny. It sounds like an honest mistake to me.
Anon says
This isn’t great judgment on her part but alone wouldn’t make me furious. Might be helpful to have clearer boundaries with her though about what you are and are not doing for the kids.
Anonymous says
I would be really upset if she intentionally ignored the baby crying for 20 minutes, but it sounds like this happened because she thought you would hear the baby if it woke up and would be okay with having your nap interrupted to get her. That is an assumption I would object to as well, but not one that would leave me to believe she’s neglecting your children, just that she’s less of a stress reliever than she could be.
Anonymous says
This would be a deal breaker for me. You do not consider the care of a child handed off to another adult unless they acknowledge that they are taking over. I don’t think you are a bad mom if you keep her or if you let her go but I do want to validate that there are some people for whom this would be a big fing deal and it’s okay to be one of them.
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is great. We took down our video baby monitors for a variety of reasons. If my toddler is napping and I’m out in the yard with my other kid, I poke my head in the house every 5 mins to make sure toddler is still asleep. Why would you ever say to an asleep person “text me if the baby wakes up”. She’s acting like more of a mother’s helper than a FT nanny who is being paid like a nanny.
Anonymous says
That’s because she is being treated like a mother’s helper. If OP wants the nanny to take full responsibility, she needs to be totally hands-off with the kids while the nanny is there.
Anon says
For all those who said it might not have been clear that the nanny was responsible for the baby, you made it clear when you said you were taking a nap and gave her the monitor to listen for and care for the baby. Texting someone who is sleeping does not give responsibility back to you and you need someone who understands that. And while the baby was crying for “only” 20 minutes, it would have been longer had you not woken up.
I strongly disagree that you need to be hands off when the nanny is there if you expect her to take responsibility. This is not your fault. You need someone who understands how to work *with* you, so sometimes they’ll be running the show and sometimes you will be. Finding someone who can do this can be difficult, but its possible (I work part time and it took me a few tries to find the right person, but its possible). If that’s how you’re going to work things, you should find that person. At the very least, your nanny needs to know how to handle two kids who are on different schedules, and she doesn’t seem to be able to do that. Also, if this is just one of many things that are bothering you and the nanny hasn’t even been there that long, go with your gut and start looking for someone else. I find these things rarely get better if there are issues to start.
Anon says
She said the nanny got the baby after 20 minutes of crying (according to camera footage), not that mom woke up and got the baby.
I agree the nanny didn’t make the best decision here, but I also think it’s really confusing to be hands on with childcare some of the time and then expect the nanny to function completely independently at other times. At the very least, sounds like they need an in-depth conversation about it what the nanny’s role is and how she’s supposed to know when she’s fully responsible for both children. The nanny is being treated like a mother’s helper a lot of the time, so it’s not surprising that she’s behaving like she’s assisting mom with childcare instead of being an autonomous professional.
Anonymous says
We moved to a new neighborhood and don’t have any babysitters in our rotation right now. My husband booked a sitter through Care.com for this weekend — he just picked someone that looked nice, had a background check, was vaccinated, etc. I googled her, and texted a bit with her today and she seems fine, but what else should we be checking before she comes over?
Pogo says
call her references! and perhaps her current FT employer if she has one.
Anon says
how old is your kid(s)? personally idk if i am comfortable having a complete stranger just come over and watch my kids who i’ve never met before, especially without knowing someone else who has used them as a sitter or checking some references, but that might also because my kids are still little and can’t really tell me if something happened and wouldn’t know how to call me if they needed to. obviously you do you, but i don’t think i’d be comfortable with this.
Anon says
Other end of the spectrum, with needing sitters while traveling or for events and just over the years, I’ve probably had a complete stranger I’ve never met watch my kids at least 20 times (usually someone found on care.com with references or on facebook with recommendations but also recommendations from strangers), and the worst thing that’s happened is my three year old convincing a sitter she doesn’t sleep in a diaper (she does) or the kids reporting the next morning they watched TV and stayed up way late.
Anon says
Especially if your kids old enough to speak, that’s all I’d do. We’ve had all sorts of sitters over the years, some better some worse. But at a certain point you need to be able to find sitters and a place like care.com works.
I’ve never called a reference for a one night babysitter and I don’t think that makes me a bad mom. I’ve also never been called as a reference by someone using a sitter we’ve used – I think that’s outside the norm. If you have a baby, it’s actually an easier gig so I’d also say you’re probably fine just trusting your instincts. But yeah, after we have a sitter I usually ask my oldest what they did and what time they went to bed, and that’s how I decide whether to have them back!
Boston Legal Eagle says
We found a few sitters through our town’s FB babysitting page. I had each of them come over while we were still in the house (not in their way) as a trial run to make sure they were decent people. After that, I felt comfortable leaving the kids at home with them. My kids, especially the older one (6), are also old enough to tell me how they feel about the sitters.
Anonymous says
Call references. I also do the first job as a 2-3 hour one where DH and I are home but occupied – like home reno project or online cooking class. If kids have good feedback, then we do a short date night (3 hours) and nearbyish before anything longer/further away.
anon says
DH’s aunts and cousins are organizing some last-minute lunch on Mother’s Day. I … do not enjoy these people’s company. It’s okay if I say “heck no, it’s Mother’s Day and I want to see my own mom and maaaaybe even celebrate myself,” right? It’s just infuriating. They just make these assumptions that every in-law is going to fall in line and doesn’t have a family of their own.
Anon says
I get not wanting to spend Mother’s Day with people you don’t like but I don’t think they’re doing anything objectively unreasonable. It’s a normal day to gather with extended family. I’m assuming a lunch is like 2 hours? If so I don’t see how that prevents you from celebrating your own mom or yourself. If it’s a very long thing then definitely skip part if it but I would at least put in an appearance to keep the peace.
anon says
Sure, lunch is 2 hours. But travel time, one-way, is 40-45 minutes. And my own mom lives 45 minutes in the opposite direction.