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I literally just bought this shirt today at Banana Republic Factory. It caught my eye because it is a shape I really like wearing under blazers, and the color can easily be paired with gray, black, tan, or navy. It’s very lightweight, and I’ll probably put a tank under it, but it wasn’t see-through. The V-neck was flattering and not too low. It checks all the boxes for me! This top is available for $22.49. Snake-Print Pleated Shoulder Tank N.B. Please know your office before wearing something like this under a blazer — sleeveless tops may not be appropriate for every workplace. Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 3.26.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Motivation says
How do you motivate yourselves for the “second shift”? I am working full time and have a 2 year old. I aim to get 50 hours of work done a week. I manage to do 8 hours during the work day (= 40 hours) and try to take weekends off so I have time with the little one (who only naps for an hour a day on average – so not much time during naps on weekends). He is in bed by 7 pm though, so I am trying to work a second shift in the evenings (I go to bed between 10-11 pm). I used to be a night owl, but now am just tired since DS is up between 4.30 and 5.30 am most days. I could do two more hours of work five nights a week (leaving one for social activities and one for yoga). But if I grab a quick dinner before that, I can’t find it in me to start up again. Working from 7.30-9.30 pm and having dinner after seems really late. How do you do it? Any advice?
Cb says
Honestly, and gently, maybe 50 hours isn’t doable for you in this season? I’ve been trying to add some more hours and have found the following routines helpful. My husband is out on Monday night so I have dinner with kiddo, do bedtime, load the dishwasher and work until he gets home at 9. I’m not a night owl so I reserve the second shift for things that don’t require a lot of attention – I make a cup of tea, sit down at my desk and do email (delay send until the next morning), do some data collection, a bit of coding of documents, maybe make a powerpoint.
I also have one night a week where I work late at the office.
OP says
Thank you! Yes, it might not be doable… but I am not ready to give up trying yet :). I might add that I am an academic on tenure track and am not as far advanced as I should be. Before DS was born I basically never took a weekend off and am now struggling with missing 2 out of 7 days a week (plus all evenings and the late nights I used to work – which my colleagues still do). I have realized I need the weekends off however to focus on my child so I feel happy and balanced. I don’t want any more time away from DS, so the only wiggle room is in the evenings.
AwayEmily says
I am also an academic on the tenure track — are there ways to get some of that time back from admin or teaching tasks? As I approach going up for tenure there I’ve cut way back on my teaching prep as well as the assignments I give (fewer papers, moving to more multiple choice on exams). I’m not thrilled about having to do this but it allows me to squeeze a few more hours of research in a week, and I plan to start putting more time into teaching again post-tenure.
Also: I *strongly* recommend an OK to Wake clock to keep your kid in bed until 6. I often get a solid half hour of work in while my kid is awake but her clock hasn’t turned green yet. It’s also really nice to have a consistent “time to get the kid” time — I found the uncertainty (will she wake up at 4:45 or 6?) really tough.
Finally, what about taking one evening a week to stay at work until 9? This would allow you to knock out another four hours or so, and give your husband some one-on-one time with your kid, which is probably good for both of them.
OP says
Thanks for the insights into how you make it work! I already cut back as much as I can on most things (low teaching load, etc.), but I might have to try to use my time a bit more efficiently (e.g. no allowing for breaks in the productive morning hours when colleagues want to discuss joint projects by coming by with coffee, participating in fewer networking dinners).
Great idea with the OK to wake clock. Early rising is taking its toll. I have one here but haven’t started to introduction process yet (also, I might have a model that is not ideal as I can’t control the wake up time flexibly).
Staying at work is a great idea. It would however mean one evening more without seeing DS (but I will try how it feels).
Anonymous says
Ugh, tenure track is rough. If working in the evening has become too difficult, can you go to bed earlier and shift the extra work to early mornings? I used to be a huge night owl, but since my daughter started school I have turned into a morning person. When I get home in the evening, I am just done.
Cb says
Ah, that’s helpful to know. I think efficiency might be key here. I’d add in a late working day at the office. I only reply to emails on my phone – it keeps the emails shorter and I can often knock out one or two while waiting for a meeting to start and clear my inbox during my public transport commute. I set aside an afternoon to prep teaching for the following week assigning it a low energy time (Friday PM). You might also consider a writing retreat, I find getting away really helpful and productive.
Anonymous says
Did you get a tenure clock extension when you had your kid? That’s pretty standard at many places and might help take the pressure off.
OP says
I did, but already factored that in.
GGFM says
Also an academic on the tenure track! Two kids, and to be honest, I’ve really struggled with the loss of evenings, weekends, early mornings that I used to use to keep on top of everything. Since you are collecting suggestions, here are some things that have helped somewhat: 1) Hire a regular babysitter on the weekend. We have someone come for 5 hours on one weekend day. The older child does not love this, but it’s necessary and we try to make up for it in other days. 2) I make all of the use out of work-related (conference, workshop, etc.) travel. It’s the only time that I have weekends, and early mornings without any commitments so when these opportunities come up I say yes, and don’t exactly rush home on the first flight. It’s how I catch up. 3) NCFDD Faculty Success Program (see if your institution has a membership). I did it after my second was born. I’m on the fence about how useful it was because I devor productivity stuff voraciously anyways. But there was definitely some value in the program and it did force me to reckon with the fact that I just have fewer hours to do things than I used to, and a much less predictable schedule.
Sarabeth says
Another tenure track academic here. I don’t work nights or weekends on a regular basis. When I do need to get extra hours in, weekend babysitter is way more effective. (Side note: my husband already does well over 50% of the parenting, mostly due to my conference and speaking travel schedule. Babysitter is not because he’s incompetent or selfish, but because he deserves weekend recuperation time too). I always have at least one weekend day fully off, but I’d rather work Saturday afternoon than after bedtime during the week. As kids get older, I can sometimes get this time by coordinating play dates as well.
If I absolutely have to, I will do teaching/admin stuff after bedtime, but I’m usually tired enough that I’m not very efficient.
If I have an urgent deadline (1-2 times/year), I will stay in my office until the kids are in bed. Usually a week or so of this.
To finish my book, I actually went to stay with my parents for a week and left the kids and husband at home.
Anonymous says
That’s a lot and I would never be able to do it but I know some people certainly can. If you have to get it done, does changing up the schedule work? Maybe 2 nights at 3 hours each and 2-3 nights at 30 mins – 1 hour? Schedule the hour right before your favorite show to force yourself to stay on schedule? Pick something light – for me that would be snuggling on the couch with comfy blanket, a glass of wine and a pen to read through a stack of cases.
Another thing that works is to not be so stuck on exactly how long you work for. When you really don’t want to, tell yourself you’ll just do 15-20 mins. Sometimes you might stop after that but at least you knocked out a couple emails or prepped for a meeting, other times you might keep going and get in the hours you want.
Anonymous says
Sometimes I do better with 2 or 3 big chunks instead of lots of little chunks. The latter makes me feel like I literally work all the time. I’d probably consider a weekday where I stay at the office super late or go in super early combined with a weekend day where I go into the office at like 5 a.m. for a while. I think it also helps when you realize that not every week will be a 50 hour week. It will naturally ebb and flow, and that’s okay.
Law mama says
Definitely agree about this. I have similar hours and have just made it a habit to go in a little late and then stay very late one night a week (like till 10pm or midnight) and I can knock out an absolute ton of work then. The next day I work from home so I eliminate the commuting time and therefore get extra morning and evening time. It means another night away, but for me was much more efficient than trying to do an extra 1-2 hours every night.
Kart says
Honestly, when I was WFH with littles and trying to work in a couple extra hours outside of normal business hours, I had a much better experience working from about 4-6 a.m. than in the evenings because, as you say, by the end of the day you run out of gas. Knocking out tasks in the morning feels so good, and to the extent you’re lobbing balls back into other people’s courts, they can then address them when they start their morning during regular hours. I see you said your kiddo gets up that early, but could you work on pushing back bedtime so he sleeps in later?
Cb says
One more thought – I’ve started writing for the first 30 minutes of my workday. I walk in the door, make a cup of tea and start writing immediately. I can get a huge number of decent words on the page if I don’t let myself get distracted by email or easier tasks.
anon says
Not in academia but I shoot for the same though I try to stay late one night a week or work one Saturday morning every so often. I also find that I can’t sustain this for more than a few weeks at at time and then I need a break from the second shift for a week or two.
Anonymous says
+1 — it is so much easier for me and I think probably better for my family in terms of having a relaxed mom if I can knock out a lot of good work from say, 6-10 pm in the office one evening and 7:30-11 one Saturday morning, and then be home and relaxed the other evenings and weekend time. (I’m in biglaw, so even this isn’t always possible, but I’m coming to think, at least for now, it’s preferable to trying to get in 1-2 hours of not great work every night from 8-10 at home)
Walnut says
I’ve had the best luck tacking on extra hours by getting into the office really early and capitalizing on the quiet morning productivity. Another time slot is Friday evening after bedtime. I plan a snacky dinner, late coffee and try to knock out a four or so hour block of work.
OP says
Thank you all so much for the great advice. Trying to get one four hour block in one night might be a really good idea. And yes, taking a break from the second shift seems important as well. But I am very happy and grateful for any other thoughts and ideas!
So Anon says
One way that I manage to pack in more hours is that I have a babysitter do the evening with my kids two nights per week. Because it is only two days, I do not feel like I am giving up a huge amount of time with my kids. The flip side is that I can generally pack in a twelve hour day two days per week. It is also incredibly freeing to be relieved of the evening routine twice a week. (I’m a single mom the rest of the time.)
GGFM says
Oh, one other thing. Like you I am so tired in the evenings. I don’t get much work done, unless it’s urgent. My “solution” is to put off teaching prep until the very last minute and then to spend a few hours the night before, and then the morning of, to prep. That frees up a bit of time during the normal work day to do things that require more focus.
AwayEmily says
YES! I do the same thing. The best for me is teaching at around 9:30, and making a rule that I can’t prep until the morning of. That sets a hard limit, and also lets me get done with teaching early.
Next semester I’m teaching at 8am two days a week, and I’m actually kind of excited about it — I will have to do a little prep the day before, but it means I’m done a lot earlier, too!
Cb says
Yes, definitely! I’d happily tweak lectures or plan complicated activities all day long rather than doing the hard work of writing so restricting the time available is helpful.
anon says
You’ve gotten great advice already. Two things that help me:
1) I respond to substantive emails with a call rather than a reply. It typically takes me 5 min on the phone to cover material it would take me 20-30 min to put in an email.
2) If I really need to work after bedtime but can’t bear to miss my littles, I will arrange with my SO so that I waltz in at the last minute, once they are already fed, bathed, teeth brushed, in pajamas, etc., for stories and snuggles. I still get my cuddle time in but find this so much less exhausting than the full evening grind that I can easily pivot back to work.
SC says
I’m not an academic, but my reaction is that of course you’re tired if you’re going to bed at 10:30-11 and waking up with your son around 5 am! It makes sense that you’re finding it hard to do 2 hours of good work at the end of the day, and I don’t think your problem is one of motivation.
I would look at your whole schedule and figure out what adjustments you can make to be productive for 45-50 hours. Can you rearrange mornings so that someone else can handle childcare and you can start work earlier? Instead of taking weekends completely off, can you work one evening or one morning or during naptime? If you’re truly a night owl, can you let someone else take the baby in the morning so you can get more sleep and work more at night?
Also, I recently read an interview with a writer/professor about how he arranges his workday. He gets up early, makes coffee, and writes first thing, so maybe 5 am – 9 am. Then he does his teaching and administrative tasks in the morning, takes a break in the afternoon, and spends the evening reading, making notes, and preparing for his writing the next day. This exact schedule may not be feasible, but I do think there’s something to the idea of starting out the day with writing and using the second shift for less intense tasks.
Strategy Mom says
My solution has been going in an hour earlier than i used to and picking a night every week or every other week to work as late as I want to (I’ll stay at the office till 10). One really productive night means I can really enjoy the rest of the week.
Anonymous says
Another academic here, with twin 2-year-olds. I do all daycare drop-offs and at least 80% of daycare pick-ups unless I’m traveling, which means I’m limited to only 8 hours per day actually in my office. I’m also not great at working for hours in the evening on a regular basis, because I need some time to myself, so some strategies I’ve found that work for me are:
-find the time that I can be most productive at writing (for me, when I first get to my office in the morning) and prioritize that
-usually work through lunch
-try to work from home one day a week to cut down on time lost commuting
-limit the amount of time I allow myself to prep for lectures/conference talks
-turn off my phone and desktop email notifications, so I can work on one task without getting distracted
Basically, I try to maximize efficiency during my 40 hours in my office and only supplement with weekend/evening hours when needed to meet deadlines. Also, we have weekend quiet time where we put the kids down at 1pm and don’t get them again until 3pm. Usually they’ll only nap 1-1.5 hours of that, but we let them chill in their cribs (where they’re content) and use that as adult productive time.
Coach Laura says
Do you have a partner? Can he/she take the early shift so you can get more sleep in the morning? Then you might both be more rested and have more energy to be productive during the day. Or switch your second shift to 5 a.m. and have partner take care of your child then. The ok to wake clock as others have said might help in this too if it pushes back wake up time.
AwayEmily says
off-topic question for you other academic moms posting here: are you guys on the academic moms FB group? That place is a sh**show — I cannot believe the highly personal things that people post, with zero anonymity. Everyone on this board seems FAR more sane.
Anonymous says
Not an academic (husband is though) but I’m in a FB group for alumni moms of my undergrad university and people post some truly wacky things there, non-anonymously. There were a lot of meltdowns around the time of the college admissions scandal – people were panicking that our elite university was going to do away with legacy admissions and whatever would happen to their “poor” (actually rich and incredibly privileged) kids!? Mind you, half the people posting have kids who aren’t yet potty-trained. There are not enough eyerolls in the world.
Anonymous says
I’m in that FB group but stopped reading the posts a long time ago for the reasons you mention. Weird that of these two forums it’s the non-anon one that attracts the more questionable comments.
lawsuited says
I tried this for a year, was successful in getting another 2 hours of work in maybe 2 weekday nights out of 5 and feeling guilty the rest of the time. When I got pregnant again and was always too tired the work in the evening, so I adjusted my expectations and haven’t looked back.
Anonymous says
Please help with what food I should pack for my 7 month old for daycare. Right now I do an oatmeal or yogurt with purée fruit (and rest is just breast milk ). Then for dinner at home, we do BLW. I think it’s time to add a second meal for daycare. What should I do? Another purée? Real food? Any advice is appreciated.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Whatever you prep for you and your partner, mashed up or in small pieces as needed.
Anonymous says
This. Really helps with getting kid to eat your family meals when they are bigger if they are used to the taste combinations from the start.
Anonymous says
A vegetable puree.
Cb says
I did scrambled egg. My kiddo loved it and I liked that they were getting some protein.
AwayEmily says
If you google “toddler egg muffins” you will see a million recipes for toddler-friendly little muffin omelets, basically. I make them with eggs, cheese, spinach, and broccoli. They freeze really well and are a great texture for early eaters.
Anonymous says
You can also add grated potatoes to increase the carb content, making it a tidy little package of every food group a baby or toddler needs!
HSAL says
It’s really up to you/your baby. What is he/she more into? I started with oatmeal at 6 1/2 months, but didn’t start sending lunch (puree) until 9 months. At 10 months I started sending in finger foods, but they’d been doing those at home for awhile. I tried to get something from three food groups – one puree and two from finger foods. They just turned 11 months and we’re cutting out the purees and adding in extra finger foods to get them closer to actual meals.
Anonymous says
I would do a veggie purée. Although honestly I think it’s fine to be on primarily milk at this age. My kid didn’t like purées and finger foods didn’t click for her until about 8 months. Ped was not worried. By 10 months she was eating solids so well that she was drinking essentially no milk/formula (except nursing).
Walnut says
I always stocked daycare with purées or random baby food for the ease of doing a once a week stock up versus packing up something daily.
Anonymous says
You could do some easy mash/puree like avocado mash or avocado & peas, or cashew butter and bananas. These foods have good fats and protein.
Anonymous says
Your kid’s appetite can dictate and will change rapidly. At just 7 mo we had just started one meal of purée at daycare plus dinner at home . Just turned 9 mo and is eating three enoooooormous meals. I would send purées (veg and fruit), cereal, and yogurt until baby is pretty confidently eating finger foods. Ours does a little bit of solid food st home but I don’t trust daycare with it yet.
AnonAF says
Wisehive – do any of you or your spouses, friends, etc. use we*d to de-stress? It’s gotten more mainstream now thanks to CBD oil and other goodies but wondering if folks are enjoying recreational smoking/vaping.
Anonymous says
No, and I would never now that I have kids, because I’ve heard CPS can take your kids if you’re caught with drugs. No hobby/high is worth the risk of losing my kids.
Anonymous says
Varies by state but I used to do legal work for CPS in my area and I can’t think of any cases where kids were removed for casual we$d use. If it was an issue in any cases, generally they were asked to sign a parenting agreement stating that they would not use. Harder drugs or we$d addiction type situations were different. I can’t imagine CPS anywhere is resourced to remove kids from occasional recreational users.
anon says
This absolutely happens to poor Black and brown families all the time, at least where I live. As a WOC, I would never take this chance.
Anonymous says
Yeah I live in a very conservative state (it’s not legal here anyway) and I’ve definitely heard of people losing their kids over casual pot use. Mostly minorities, but it’s still not a chance I would take.
Anonymous says
Definitely have seen this happen in NYC (also a lawyer).
Anonymous says
No but I’m Canadian so it’s legal here now (except edibles, that’s next year I think). DH and I are planning to when we have an overnight getaway without the kids for our anniversary in the summer. Unlike wine etc, I haven’t consumed since college – and even then it was just a couple times – so definitely not comfortable being responsible for kids until I know how I will be affected.
OP says
Yeah we’ve enjoyed it when visiting different Canadian cities. TBH, it’s something we do only when kiddo is asleep and we’re “off duty”. Obviously still the risk that kiddo will need us in the middle of the night, but at that point I don’t see the difference between we*d and a few glasses of vino.
CPA Lady says
No. I’m a lot happier when I don’t use drugs or alcohol to de-stress. (No judgement– I did it for years.) We*d is not legal where I live, but I wouldn’t do it even if it were.
Over the last year, I’ve taken a two pronged approach towards stress management that has involved both making my life something I don’t need to escape from (cutting out unnecessary over-commitment, lowering my absurd standards, and dealing with nagging tasks), and figuring out healthy coping mechanisms. When I need to de-stress, I do one or several of the following: hot bath with fancy bath salts, long walk, guided meditation, watching travel or gardening (the one with plants, not the euphemism) documentaries, or working on jigsaw puzzles while listening to podcasts.
Anonymous says
the euphemism one is a great de-stresser too!
CPA Lady says
True!
Anonymous says
In the DC area, I feel like there’s significant hush around it, and a little stigma. It’s definitely not mainstream among professional adults. The laws are different in DC, VA, and MD, and all the federal government employees are not allowed to use, which is probably a big contributing factor.
Anyway, I don’t use, but one of my friends does. She says it’s an occasional treat for herself to unwind after the kids go to bed. Her husband does not smoke because of his job, and she doesn’t smoke when she’s home alone with the kids. Which makes sense to me, the few times I’ve smoked in my life, I felt much more impaired than I do after a drink or two, so I wouldn’t want to do it as the sole caretaker for my kids.
Strategy Mom says
I’m really curious about CBD oil and have been wanting to learn more about it but have no idea where to start
Mama Llama says
I have no issue with pot use, per se, although I don’t do it myself because of my job. But I find it very curious that so many people who would never smoke cigarettes seem to be so casual about smoking pot. Isn’t it terrible for your respiratory health? If I were to partake, I would stick with edibles.
Anonymous says
Strong no, and if I’m being honest, with judgment.
It’s extremely common in academia (somewhat surprisingly to me, because tobacco is not at all common, and those who are frequent/regular users don’t).
Anonymous says
If it was legal in my state, I would. But I’d use it like alcohol – one parent would need to stay sober if another imbibes. If my husband is drinking more than one glass of wine I don’t do I can drive in case of emergency.
Two Cents says
Absolutely not. And if my good friends are doing it, they aren’t telling me. I have not heard of anyone in my social circle (mostly lawyers) doing this. In DC.
AnonII says
CBD is a little different–doesn’t have the “high” component of THC. I live in a state where recreational pot use is legal, and use CBD regularly to assist with sleep. It really works for me. I am more reluctant to engage in other THC-based weed use, though…
anon says
has anyone brought a Nest camera with them while traveling for when they leave LO with a babysitter at night in the hotel room?
Pogo says
In 90% of hotels, it won’t work. The way that you get Nest on the internet gets screwed up with the hotel wifi requirements to log in via a browser. If you’re at a smaller boutique hotel or B&B where it’s just wifi + password, then yes, this would work (and I have brought it with us when travelling and staying in an Airbnb where I wanted to be able to see LO from another room while he was napping etc).
In one hotel I brought a regular old non-video monitor to listen to LO while he napped in the hotel room, but the walls of the hotel rendered it pretty useless unless I was standing in just the right spot. Hotels are tough for monitoring kiddo in the room. The best luck I had was getting adjoining rooms and leaving the door cracked while LO slept (or in the case of a wedding, we had my parents stay in the adjoining room and listen to him while were at the wedding, but I get that you’re interested in monitoring the babysitter as well since they’re not known to you ).
Sorry can’t be of more help!
IP Attorney says
Agreed – we’ve brought it to a few hotels (larger places) and the wifi was always too slow to handle the camera so it was choppy or couldn’t connect right.
Anon says
I haven’t tried it, but if you have a mobile hotspot (or are willing to leave behind one of your phones) you could connect it that way I bet.
Anon says
If your goal is to check in for visual confirmation of life as opposed to secretly watch the sitter, I’d recommend a periodic face time with the sitter while you are out.
Prego mom says
Any recommendations for age-appropriate books or tools to explain the baby growing in me to my older kids? They are 9 and 6, and neither is quite ready for detail details about HOW that exactly happened, but they are also curious. The older one in particular is pretty science-minded and can’t be brushed off with less than full explanations of much (which is great, but sometimes exhausting). My education in this area was pretty thin as a kid, so I’m kind of on new ground here with my kids.
Anonymous says
Are you sure they aren’t old enough? I got “the talk” when I was in kindergarten (a watered down version) and I remember feeling like I got it. I would check out Planned Parenthood’s s3x ed resources online!
Anonymous says
I think you can tell the 9 year old for sure about sperm and egg. S3x education in school starts around 9-10 right? There were certainly girls in my class who had their periods by 10 or 11, so I think you can’t really postpone the details of this for much longer anyway.
CPA Lady says
I’m planning on getting my kid the book “How Babies are Made” by Steven Schepp when she’s about 6. It’s from the ’70s and has awesome paper cut out pictures. It’s very matter of fact, but geared towards children. The 9 year old is actually probably too old for this book already.
Also I knew what s3x was by the time I was about 7 or 8. Not the exact mechanics, but a basic idea. And this was in the early ’90s. Unless you home school and live under a rock, your 9 year old probably already knows what it is but wants confirmation from you.
Anonymous says
For the 9-year-old, I highly recommend the Girlology seminars. I think they are now available on line in case the in-person version isn’t offered in your area. There are two, one focused on puberty and one on reproduction. The organization also offers seminars for boys.
mascot says
Yeah, I think it’s time for the talk. Check out It’s Not the Stork and It’s so Amazing (same author, slightly different age focuses). What’s Happening to My Body books are good as they approach puberty. In my experience, the first conversation was the most difficult for me- explain simply and succinctly, using proper anatomical terms, and then answer specific questions they may have. You want this to be an ongoing conversation so be prepared when they come back in a few days/weeks/months with new questions. Example: The other day, my 8 year old son saw a tamp*n in my purse and asked how they worked. We had a quick recap of monthly cycles, explanation of insertion (I may have found the packaging insert with the drawing), and unwrapped the thing so he could see what it looked like. Took less than 5 minutes and hopefully this means he won’t be trying to mansplain all things peri*d to women as an adult.
Prego mom says
” hopefully this means he won’t be trying to mansplain all things peri*d to women as an adult.”
Ha! I love your thought process. Good point. I should do my part to raise some feminist boys.
Anonymous says
Second the recommendation for these books, and definitely your kids are not too young.
Cb says
I’m reading Small Animals (by the woman who got arrested for leaving her child unattended in a car) and it’s brought up some interesting points about how we understand and assess risk and how much other people’s judgement plays into that assessment. I cut up grapes and lather up my kid in sunscreen, but I also co-slept on occasion and parked my napping baby in his pram outside a cafe, nearly giving my mom a nervous breakdown. Anyone else read it?
Anonymouse says
Just added it to my library list – thanks for the mention!
Anonymous says
I really want to read it. I think I’m pretty much the opposite of an attachment parent, so will be curious to hear what she has to say. (I do slather my kid – and myself – in sunscreen, but I don’t really see that as attachment parenting. Sun safety doesn’t hinder your kid’s independence.)
avocado says
I read several news articles about the incident, and I can’t say that I have much sympathy for the mom. I tend to skew a bit free-range and am constantly worried about people reporting me for letting my kid do things by herself, especially because she is small for her age and people assume she’s two or three years younger than she actually is, but I also know the social norms and law enforcement culture where I live and would never be dumb enough to leave a young child unattended in the car. Whether or not her calculation of the actual physical risk to her child was accurate, she neglected to consider the obvious and substantial risk of CPS involvement.
Anonymous says
“Whether or not her calculation of the actual physical risk to her child was accurate, she neglected to consider the obvious and substantial risk of CPS involvement.”
I only have a toddler, but I admit until I heard of this incident, it never would have occurred to me that leaving a 4 year old alone in a locked car with the windows cracked for a few minutes could warrant involvement from CPS. We’re not talking about a 4 year old being left home alone while the parents go on vacation or to work for an entire day. What exactly is the risk? A violent criminal breaking into the car and snatching the kid? That seems highly unlikely, especially in most safe, suburban neighborhoods, which she says this was. A kid is way more likely to get killed by gun violence at school. Growing up, I played outside with neighborhood kids at that age, and that actually seems more dangerous, since a stranger could have easily stopped us and talked to us/lured us into his car, without any violence. But being able to play outside for hours with my neighborhood buddies was a wonderful part of my childhood, and I think it’s so sad that kids can no longer have that, especially since crime stats show that most neighborhoods are actually safer now than they were in the 1980s.
Anonymous says
I also think that – whatever you think of that parenting decision – she makes a lot of valid points, including about the inherent misogyny and racism involved. Women are judged/arrested for this kind of thing much more for this men, and I’m sure Black and Hispanic women are much more likely to be arrested than white women.
Cb says
Yes, definitely! Especially the research about how men are judged less harshly for the same decisions (leaving their kid in the car while running into the office to pick something up).
Anonymous says
Yeah, I was a parent for about 3 minutes when I realized how deep the double standard runs. My husband was literally applauded (APPLAUDED) for changing a dirty diaper, while I was shamed for trying to soothe a crying baby with my breast (“You have to do that right here? Can’t you find somewhere more private?”). The double standard is REAL and this is the hill I will die.
anon says
There’s definitely a double standard, but my previous law firm once represented a man who was arrested for leaving an infant in the car. He was sitting in the car with a toddler and infant while his wife/the mom ran an errand, and then the toddler had to go to the bathroom, so he took the toddler inside and left the sleeping infant in the car. The weather was mild, so there was no danger related to extreme temperatures. He was supposedly back to the car about 5 minutes later, but security for the business was there, the police were called, and he was arrested. He was a foreign national (Asian), and he also faced deportation (and job loss) depending on what he pled to. Clearly, he made some bad decisions, and I would understand a CPS investigation and some sort of safety plan/agreement. But I don’t know that he deserved a criminal record, deportation, and loss of his job.
avocado says
But that is exactly my point–the mom was focusing on the wrong risk. Even before I had my kid 12 years ago, I’d heard plenty of stories of parents being arrested or children being removed for all sorts of reasons that could be called ridiculous.
In addition, there is so much information directed at new parents about the risks of leaving kids unattended in the car. I even got ads for a car seat alarm designed to alert you if you locked the car with the baby still inside. Heck, every summer there are warnings in the media about the dangers of leaving pets in the car. So even if you don’t believe that leaving a child alone in the car is too risky, it is obvious that society views it as a terrible form of neglect and that you are probably going to incur social consequences if you try it.
Anonymous says
But the issue with all the alarms/advertisements you’re talking about is heatstroke. Accidentally locking your kid in the car or forgetting about them is completely different than what this woman did. In this case, she had the keys and was coming back in under 5 minutes and it was cloudy and in the 40s!! The child is not going to die of heatstroke, and anyone who thinks they are is either too stupid to function or being willfully obtuse. You could sit in a car for DAYS in that temperature without having any health issues (and the windows were cracked). I really don’t think it’s a crazy assumption that people can tell the difference between leaving your kid in a car with windows cracked in 45 degree weather vs a car with the windows rolled up in 80 degree weather.
Anonymous says
And let’s revise this statement: “So even if you don’t believe that leaving a child alone in the car is too risky, it is obvious that society views *MOMS DOING IT* as a terrible form of neglect and that *MOMS* are probably going to incur social consequences if *THEY* try it.”
Dudes do this all the time and have never had any consequences, because people are just so pleasantly surprised that they’re parenting at all. Eff this country’s misogyny and eff the busybody who called CPS on this woman.
Anonymous says
Ugh. I’ve been leaving my kid in the car since she was 4. My litmus test was I made her unbuckle herself and open the door. She could do that.
Now she’s 6 and I leave her and my other 2. My 6 and now 4 y/o can unbuckle, and they can both unbuckle my 1.5 y/o. I never leave them for long- 5 minutes is too long. Things like picking up a pre-ordered beverage inside Starbucks, dropping or picking up dry cleaning, dropping a package at the post office when there is no line, etc. if there’s a line/wait, I get the kids. I leave my 6 and 1.5 y/on in the car when I grab my 4 y/on from daycare because it takes <2 minutes.
I’ll leave my 6 y/o in the car a bit longer when she’s alone. I live in the burbs. I’m not worried she’ll get too hot or get abducted. The worst things that would happen is she gets bored or worried and gets out to come find me (she knows better and I always set a time (if I’m not back by X, you should come inside) or I have a heart attack and don’t come back.
Pogo says
this is what I thought of when I read the w3ed comments above – CPS can take your kid for much less than a vape pen or a gummy!
Anon says
Yes! It was fascinating and also terrifying. I wish that as a society we could dial WAY back on both CPS involvement and criminalizing bad parenting. The fact is that the government really sucks at “raising” kids, and separating kids from their parents is incredibly traumatic for the kids. I often think we are doing more harm than good in this area. But I don’t see that changing anytime soon – it’s so much easier politically to say “crack down on child abuse and neglect!” than to try to understand the nuance involved in these issues.
Anonymous says
These things make me so angry. CPS has a very important job protecting children who are in danger from abuse and neglect. There is a LOT of daylight between actual abuse or neglect and questionable decisions. Even if you agree that leaving an kid alone in the car on a cool day isn’t the best idea, it’s a victim-less “crime” that doesn’t mean the parent is unwilling/unable to provide a safe and caring environment for the kids in a way that deserves Real Consequences.
It seems painfully obvious in many of these cases that the “bad” choices result from a parenting philosophy and risk calculus that is well within the realm of reasonable and does not impact the well-being of the child. So why are they bad? Why do we even legislate that? For the car example, if a parent purposely leaves his kid in a hot car because he wants the kid to die, that is murder. We don’t need a separate law to prosecute for the specific way the murder happened. If a parent completely accidentally leaves a kid in a hot car because of a memory glitch, he or she will be devastated and suffer a lifetime of regret without criminal prosecution. And if there’s no harm to the kid, why does it matter whether the kid was in the car alone at all?
I send my 4 and 6 year olds to public restrooms alone and leave the two of them alone in a public, populated, place like a playground, restaurant, or children’s section of the library if I need to take the toddler to the bathroom. For less than 10 min, and usually with a heads-up to another nearby adult that I’ll be right back. Last time I did that at the library, I came back to a librarian loudly and angrily asking who these kids belong to, and I was terrified she was going escalate it (she didn’t, she was just mad that they were running after she told them to stop). I let my 6 year old ride his bike around the block with his friends and no adults. I stand by all of these decisions, and I shouldn’t have to worry about being pursued as an unfit mother for them. I occasionally leave my older son alone in the car while I drop off or pick up the younger kids from daycare, but I’m not brave enough to do it anywhere more public. I live in a neighborhood where aggressive CPS involvement has made national news.
Web of lies says
I am pregnant (early second trimester) with my third, and have two kids ages 2 and 4. A psychologist friend advised me (and I’ve seen it in other toddler parenting books) not to tell my kids until very late in pregnancy if possible — not to lie, but not to volunteer. However, my kids seem pretty suspicious; they saw me throw up in early pregnancy and theorized about/commented on it extensively, have commented on my belly size, have sneakily suggested dumping all the baby toys we have boxed up around the house, have repeatedly asked to hear about the night that each of them was born…to date I have been evasive but not exactly a liar. And then this morning, my older one came across some ultrasound pics (which I had moved to my desk area, specifically to avoid discovery). In a panic, I lied and said they were pics from when he was in my tummy. I feel like this is silly and deceptive, and will come back to bite me. What have others done about telling older kids about babies on the way? FWIW, I don’t remember what we did with #1 when #2 was on the way, although I suspect we waited a good long while because he was so little and unsuspecting.
Anonymous says
The advice to not tell them until the end of pregnancy seems really weird. A 4 year old is going to notice a giant belly for sure. I assume it’s to minimize the risk of telling them about a loss? I can understand waiting until you’re out of the first trimester, but things can still go wrong at any time and the risk of pregnancy loss actually goes UP at the end of pregnancy (eg, a stillbirth in week 40 is much more common than a stillbirth in week 30), so the logic behind it seems shaky to me. Anyway, I personally wouldn’t lie to them about this, so I’d probably tell them tonight.
Web of lies says
Thanks for all the feedback. FWIW, the reason for the recommendation isn’t risk of loss but that toddlers are concrete, a new baby is a big shock and very disruptive, and time passes slowly for them — so if you tell them at 3 months, they have what feels an eternity of wondering, imagining, fearing, resenting, etc. It’s like how you might not tell them in July that you are moving cross-country or switching schools or going to Disney world in January. And I will say that my older was not happy about #2, and all the books/stories/songs/videos didn’t help prepare him for the transition. It took close to a year post-delivery to adjust to the new family member — and he does not seem excited about a theoretical #3 either.
Anonymous says
So this psychologist friend thinks the 4-year-old and 2-year-old are too dumb to notice that Mommy’s tummy is expanding, the nursery is being decorated, etc.?
Web of lies says
She didn’t say not to tell until 40 weeks, and she didn’t tell me to lie. She told me not to volunteer the information unnecessarily — which is the same as I recall having seen in all the parenting books I have read (most notably Tovah Klein in How Toddlers Thrive). Thanks for your constructive criticism!
Anonymous says
in 10:40’s defense, you did say “very late in pregnancy.” To me, in any other context, that means 35+ weeks. There are so many outwardly visible signs that a 2 and 4 year old would pick up on before that, that it’s almost incomprehensible that you wouldn’t tell the kids before then. I think that’s we’re all reacting to.
Your kids are basically asking you if you’re pregnant, they just don’t know the vocabulary to get a straight answer from you. So you’re already past the point of not volunteering the information unnecessarily, imho. Just have the conversation with your kids over dinner tonight. There’s no need to keep dragging this out!
FVNC says
This seems like odd advice. I think we told our then-3 year old that I was pregnant when I was around 4 or 5 months (?). We read her a lot of “big sister” books and started talking generally about “when the baby is here” to get her used to the idea. And she had no clue, and showed very little interest in my growing stomach. If your kids are already interested and “suspicious”, I would go ahead and tell them in age-appropriate ways.
Anonymous says
I’m not a psychologist, but it seems WAY harder on a 4 year to suddenly have a new sibling than to know that mom is pregnant well in advance and spend months preparing for baby and reading books about the transition – preschoolers aren’t generally known for their ability to handle sudden changes smoothly. Everyone I know has told their kids (regardless of age) in the second trimester, so they had lots of time to plan and prepare for new baby.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I agree it seems like odd advice and I haven’t heard it before – what is the reasoning for not telling them? We told our then 2 year old when we were telling everyone else beyond family, and he would refer to my belly as “baby brother” and then eventually the name we picked. I’m not sure how aware he was of what a baby is at age 2 but by 4, I think he definitely would have known what was up.
Anonymous says
Of course they know already, and you will be doing a lot more harm by lying to them than by telling them they’re getting a new sibling.
Anonymous says
This. I’ve never heard of this advice before and it makes no sense. I’ve heard of people waiting until the end of the first trimester before telling their kids but never about lying about it for longer.
Pogo says
I have never heard this advice. We tried not telling our niece and nephew (who I think were 3 and 5 at the time?) and they overheard adults and figured it out super quick. Niece was very inquisitive initially, then promptly forgot for several months. When I was really showing she got super into talking to the baby and giving the baby a kiss. Nephew, at 5, had seen so many friends go through it with little siblings and probably vaguely remembered his own sister, so he didn’t really care. He was more curious about what morning sickness was, though. I think he was worried he could catch it.
Spirograph says
Yeah, I don’t understand this advice at all. My kids were around 2 and 4 when I was pregnant with my third, and I told my kids after the first trimester when I told friends and everyone else. Once other adults know, wouldn’t it be hard to keep them from mentioning anything in your kids’ presence? FWIW, To the extent that they understood what was going on, my kids were excited about having a new brother or sister.
Prego mom says
My kids are older, and we told them right away, along with the caveat that things very occasionally go wrong, or the baby doesn’t have all the right building instructions it needs and isn’t able to grow correctly and so can’t be born. If I miscarry, we will all grieve together. It’s hard, but in my mind the most honest way to tell them about life. They’re too smart to lie to.
Strategy Mom says
I get the doctor’s advice. My son was freaked about baby bc we talked about it so often and to him all he processed was that some big unknown thing was going to rock his world. If you decide to tell them, you can balance it out by making sure you talk about baby infrequently. Don’t make it a topic of conversation every day. Make it seem like something good, but “no big deal” so they dont get anxiety about it
Prego mom says
I told my kids early. Granted, they are older than yours. But I also explained (without too much emphasis) that sometimes a baby doesn’t get all the building instructions it needs or doesn’t grow properly, and isn’t able to be born. Death is not something new to them (I’ve taken them both to funerals), and it’s part of life, so I felt like the discussion wasn’t too traumatic for them. Probably far less traumatic than finding out late that a sibling is about to appear or not understanding why Mommy is tired and misshapen.
Anonymous says
That seems odd and I wouldn’t follow that advice unless you want to (and it sounds like maybe you don’t). We told my first (who was about 3) when I was about 20 weeks pregnant and was starting to show. It was about the same time we told others besides my parents and DH’s. We personally wanted to wait until after the 20 week ultrasound and confirmation that things were “good” as I’d had losses in the past before my first and didn’t want to have to “undo” the telling. And we also didn’t want her spilling it to people until I’d had the chance to tell them myself, but also didn’t want other people saying things to her about it if she hadn’t heard from us.
Anonymous says
Eh 4 is still pretty self-centered so they are unlikely to notice until you’re huge. I didn’t tell my 4 & 6 year olds until about 5 or 6 months (maybe 24 weeks-is? after the anatomy scan for sure), mostly because it was a surprise and I/DH needed time to process as adults on our own first, and secondly we wanted to avoid the questions and “is it here yet” as long as possible. No damage done as far as we can tell 3 years later (they love baby sibling!).
White Sneakers says
Recommendations for stylish white sneakers for this summer? I’ll wear them with casual dresses, shorts, etc. Something that isn’t huge. Keds hurt my feet, and I’m pretty so-so on Converses. I’d really like something with a bit more support. Thanks!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
People have been loving Vejas, but I haven’t tried. Adidas Stan Smiths or Shell Toes (Superstars) are now also a classic and I find Adidas to be a great run-around sneaker.
I have some Nike Fly Knits I wear for workouts that I love support-wise, and I think they could also be cute if styled right. I LOVE my chucks, but they have 0 support.
Emma says
I have a pair of white leather Vejas that I get a ton of wear out of. They did take a bit of breaking into though. They also have cute canvas options.
Anonymous says
My Vejas are cute but not terribly comfortable, even with Superfeet. They run wide and the leather is stiff. I only wear them when I won’t be walking more than two or three miles a day.
RR says
I love my Supergas.
NYCer says
Me too.
ElisaR says
Supergas are cute! I have them but don’t wind up wearing them so much because my kids are so young that I find myself wearing my slip on converses all the time. I know you said you’re not wild about converse but the ease of slipping them on and not tying them trumps everything for me at this stage in my life.
Working from home says
Cross posting. I’m moving to a work from home job full time due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m an extrovert and worried I will go crazy.
For those in a similar situation, what activities do you do during the day to get out of the house and feel like part of society? I’m thinking of joining an org that as lunch meetings (like Rotary Club), are there other clubs you would recommend? I know that exercise classes are there in plenty but I don’t enjoy exercising in a group. Other ideas?
I want to do something more than just running an errand — something where I will actually be interacting with people. Not every day necessarily, but a few times a week.
We’re moving to a new area and in time I’m hoping that I can befriend some moms in the new school and have lunch dates with them, but that will take time.
Appreciate any advice!
FVNC says
I’ve worked from home for ~5ish years, and lunch dates are the best solution I have come up with. I always think I’ll work from a coffee shop or something, but with phone calls (I’m a lawyer; anonymity/privilege issues) that’s not often practical. It really can be isolating, but if you make the effort to get out and socialize, I find the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. I’m also moving to a new area this summer, so my lunch dates will disappear :(
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Since you’re looking to talk to folks vs. just change up environment, it sounds like a co-working space could be a good idea. Maybe your company will even expense all or part of it if you’re only going a few days a week. There are so many options for these places. I know The Wing is only in certain cities, but I think most major cities have their own version of that type of woman-centric co-working space.
My curiosity got to me and I found this article: https://www.inc.com/amanda-pressner-kreuser/women-only-coworking-spaces-are-having-a-huge-moment-heres-why-theyre-here-to-stay.html
Anonymous says
Can you sign up for a regular volunteer slot at the school? You’d be likely to meet some other moms that way, but they’d probably be SAHMs.
Anonymous says
I WFH almost exclusively. I have found it provides me with awesome flexibility for working out. You might find an exercise class a few days a week to be a great break to interact with folks.
Anonymous says
I’m an introvert, and I hated working from home. Like, I absolutely could not handle doing it more than once a week.
Even if I’m not actually talking to other people, I like having them nearby.
If you don’t need privacy and are in a larger city, you could consider subscribing to We Work -type shared office space. For free, there are probably meet-up groups for teleworkers. The ones near me just designate a particular coffee shop, public library, etc, for a particular day and a regular-ish group shows up with their laptop and works alone together. It even helped for me to just work by myself in a public space rather than in my home office.
Anonymous says
I really don’t think you’re an introvert if you can’t handle WFH more than once/week. Introverts love solitude and not having anyone else around. You can be shy or socially anxious without being an introvert (not saying you are, just saying those things are often confused with introversion). My husband is a VERY shy extrovert.
Anonymous says
I see why you would say that, but I love being alone and need it to recharge, which is the classic definition of an introvert. Being alone and being isolated are different things to me. WFH felt very isolating, because I wasn’t choosing to be alone, I was just not afforded any option to interact with people in the same physical space.
There were other contributing factors to me hating WFH, too. Mainly: 1. I strongly prefer clear boundaries between work and home life, 2. I really don’t like tele/video conferences and I have a ton of meetings in my work life 3. It veered me into becoming the default parent & housekeeper when DH and I previously had a really good balance.
Legally Brunette says
Everyone had shared great ideas. I would encourage you also to put yourself “out there” and let people know that you want to get together. For example, if you meet someone at school or when coworking, just ask them out to lunch. I feel like it’s hard/awkward to do that but the recipient will be pleased that you took the effort.
If you really want to put yourself out there, sign up for a moms group or neighborhood listserve and ask if anyone wants to get together during lunch periodically. I did this years ago and that’s how I met my best friend!
Sarah says
I work from home full time. Meeting people for lunch is great. I also joined a MOPS group as a way to meet other moms (it meets in the evenings though, and so it has other working moms in the group, which is a plus for me). I also attended a few networking events (mostly panel discussions and workshops) that take place during the day, which were really interesting and energizing. I’m also friendly with my neighbors, which is nice too, so if you luck out with good neighbors, that can be great as well.
I also recommend the book Remote: Office Not Required. It is a quick read and can help you rethink what working from home is like and help you realize the pros without discounting the cons. I look at it once in a while when I need a boost.
anon says
i’m jealous! i wish i could work from home
Couples therapy? says
Spouse just started individual therapy and has suggested couples therapy. I agree that we need it but am terrified that once we’ve aired all our grievances we will be worse off than we are now. Perhaps things have to get worse before they can get better. Does anyone have success stories to share?
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
When I was seeing a therapist, she very gently suggested that it could be helpful if DH also saw someone or we saw someone together. We never went in that direction, but I understood her to mean it as a tool for DH to be better armed to support me and us as a unit.
Not a definitive answer, but I think only good can come of having this kind of support. Hugs.
Anonymous says
It really helped us. Find a Gottman trained counselor and the person should focus on how you communicate, how to disagree productively etc. There may be some initial airing of grievances so they can see how you communicate/what issues are being argued about but you should feel that you gain skills that are implementable after each session.
Anon says
I joined my husband in therapy after he had been going by himself for about a year. It was really helpful in terms of having an outside/ objective voice helping us clarify a lot of our issues. We don’t fight well and having a therapist really got us to listen to each other without getting in our own way. she also gave us concrete exercises and strategies to help us work on our differences- including reading Gottman. I will say, our therapist had mentioned to my husband in their solo sessions that divorce was an option and that a lot of the systematic issues in our relationship led to divorce and that wasn’t a bad thing- it just was. I thought that was honest, but also but also having my husband think of divorce as something necessary for his mental health and then having him realize that wasn’t an option he wanted was probably a healthy step for him (and us).
IHeartBacon says
Only good things can come out of it. Regardless of the ultimate outcome, taking action to try to effect change over something you feel needs to be changed will never be a bad decision. Even if all you get is clarity, sometimes that’s all you need.
Anonymous says
In NYC, are there Ubers/Lyfts with carseats in them? We’re going to Manhattan for a week to visit my in-laws. We obviously won’t need a carseat while we’re there, and we don’t particularly need one on the plane (we bought a seat for our big 16 month old but we have a CARES harness). The only thing we would need it for is the drive to/from the airport, so I’m wondering if it makes more sense to just try to get an Uber with a carseat for that part of the journey.
Anon says
Yes, Uber Family is available in NYC. They use the Immi Go seat, which is FF only.
anon says
Yes, Uber Family is available in NYC. The wait can be a bit longer for one, but we have done it to get home from the airport.
Just be aware they use the Immi Go seat, which is FF only.
Anonymous says
Yes, but you can also book a car service with a car seat. I recommend Eastern. They tend to be somewhat neighborhood-based, but everyone goes to the airport.
Anonymous says
PS – and tell them what kind of seat you want
Anon says
I used to live around the block from a (the?) Eastern hub. I agree they are great!
NYCer says
Check out Kidmoto for transport to/from airport.
AwayEmily says
Lots of deep questions today! Mine is not so deep. Has anyone used one of those inflatable toddler mattresses with bumpers? We’ll be traveling a bunch this summer — my 3yo is still happily in her crib but I think she may have outgrown the Pack-N-Play, so I’m thinking about buying one of those instead. She naps in a cot at school so she’s definitely capable of non-crib sleeping! Other recommendations welcome too.
Anonymous says
If she naps in a cot at school, I would just ask the hotel to provide a rollaway bed. Most hotels will do that free of charge.
Anonymous says
We are in the same boat, and that sounds like a perfect solution. Can you post a link? Thanks!
Anonymous says
At age 3 we successfully used a sleeping bag + camping mat.
FVNC says
Yep, we bought one for our 5.5 yr old and kiddo still loves it!
Anon says
My almost 3-year-old is still in her crib too. We just traveled for 4 nights and she happily spent them in the pack-n-play (called it her “vacation crib”), even though I fretted she’d outgrown it and googled around for a bunch of alternatives. We put a little pillow and blanket in there to make it up like her crib at home. Maybe there’s still some mileage left in your pack-n-play?
octagon says
We bought a Regalo travel cot for this purpose. It feels to kiddo like what he uses at preschool so works well.
Strategy Mom says
we put pillows under the sheets on the edges of the hotel bed so our kiddo cant roll off and that has worked really well
Anonymous says
My grandparents bought a couple of these for my kids when we visited at Thanksgiving, and the kids LOVE them.
RR says
Yes, we had them for our twins, and I found them to be a good solution.
Anon says
I am thinking we will try them for a family vacation this summer. My 21 month old has been in a toddler bed because she climbed out of the crib and PNP at 17 months, but there won’t be an actual bed for her while we’re there (full house, will be fun!). When we visit my parents, we typically put her in a regular bed with pillow bolsters or she sometimes sleeps with us in hotels or other places.
AwayEmily says
OK, sold! I’m going to order the Shrunks inflatable toddler mattress. Thanks for the other suggestions — we don’t want her on our actual bed because at one point we’ll be staying at an AirBnB for a week, and no way am I sleeping with a squirmy 3yo for a week.
Anonymous says
I have one called The Shrunks — probably got it based on a rec from the moms site. It works great.
Daycare Woes says
I’m struggling with my daycare situation. My 13 week old is in daycare full time. She’s been sent home multiple days for auxiliary temps that are under 100 degrees (they then add a degree so it is over 100, so temp is 99.1 and they add a degree to be 100.1). Policy is that they go home if it is 100 or higher after adding the one degree. Yesterday, she was sent home for vomiting (she spits up a ton, doctor says it’s normal, so I’m not sure how they determined that this was vomit and not just spit up) and for diarrhea (diaper blowout). No fever. I took her to the doctor for an emergency appointment last night and they said she is fine and gave me a note that she can go to daycare today. I took her temp before daycare and it was 98.3 (rectally). One hour later: daycare calls and says her aux temp is 99.6 and she has to go home. At home her temp is still normal. She’s been there for 6 weeks and I’ve already had to get her or keep her home 6 days. I don’t have family nearby that can take her so if she isn’t in daycare my husband or I have to take off work. This is my first child. Talk me off the ledge that this daycare is being unreasonable and we need to switch.
Anonymous says
This daycare is being unreasonable. Spit up is different than vomit – I had a spitter too and believe me when she vomited once I could instantly tell the difference (it has bile in it and smells awful, like adult vomit). Normal b-fed baby poop can be very liquid and look like diarrhea, but a surprisingly number of people in healthcare don’t know this (an ER nurse actually once asked me how long my daughter had been having diarrhea and I had to educate her on the range of normal for b-fed baby poop). I think the rule about adding one degree for axillary temp is standard, but it sounds like their thermometers are off, or they should at least be doing a rectal or oral reading as well to see if it’s consistent. I would find a different place, sorry – I know that must seem so daunting right now.
Anonymous says
This seems excessive. What is triggering so much temperature taking? I’d be half tempted to show up and take the temperature myself to show that it really didn’t jump 2 degrees in an hour this morning.
Eek says
+1 I don’t understand why they’re taking her temperature at all if she doesn’t have other symptoms! It does sound like they are almost looking for a reason to send her home.
Anonymous says
Can you bring in a rectal thermometer and ask that they take her temp that way? Ask the director if you get pushback.
octagon says
Hard to say whether this is unreasonable or not – if your kid is actually presenting with a fever or sickness symptoms, it’s not unreasonable. For the temperature, can you talk to them about taking it a secondary way, since it sounds like their axillary temps may run warm? Or when you arrive to pick her up, take it rectally if they won’t do it?
I also had a really spitty kid, and it helped for us to talk to the lead teacher about how frequent the spitup was so that they wouldn’t be alarmed. If this becomes a pattern, don’t hesitate to involve the director so everyone can be on the same page about discerning normal vs sick.
That said, the first year in daycare is really really hard and my kid was sick all the time. Hang in there.
Anon says
We had our doctor write a note saying our kid was a ‘happy spitter’ and to not be alarmed. She grew out of it around 6 months.
Anonymous says
Have they explained why they add a degree? It sounds like effectively the policy is that they send home for 99.1, which seems crazy.
Anonymous says
Axillary (armpit) temps are on average an entire degree lower than rectal or oral. Medical professionals generally consider an infant to have a fever if the axillary temp is over 99 or the rectal/oral temp is over 100. Source: mom is a nurse. I still think the daycare is taking the temp wrong or has bad thermometers though, because OP’s readings are differing from daycare’s by more than 2 degrees.
Daycare Woes says
OP here. It is the director that keeps contacting me, so she is definitely in the loop. I have no idea what is leading to the temperature taking, but I know my thermometer is accurate because I took her temp before the doctor’s yesterday and it was the same as temp taken there about 20 minutes later. The time before yesterday that I had to pick her up, the teacher actually apologized to me about having to send her home due to the temp because she was fine otherwise. She’s exclusively formula fed because I didn’t respond to pumping at all. She’s started to drool a lot and the doctor said that this could be the reason for the looser bowel movements. I’m starting to get a complex that they just don’t want her there because she’s a bit of a more difficult baby because she spits up so much. She’s fine otherwise too btw. Sleeping great through the night and no other symptoms.
Anonymous says
She’s only 13 weeks old. How long has she been there?
They are probably being abundantly cautious because with babies that young things can escalate really quickly. Assuming she’s only been there a few weeks. They probably need some time to adjust to her “baseline.” My second was always fussy. My first and third were only ever fussy when they had ear infections. Look to the director for how you will work together as a team. You don’t want a daycare that allows sick kids to stay. You also don’t want a daycare that sends your healthy kid home.
Daycare Woes says
She’s been there since 6 weeks, so 7 weeks. I have even changed bottles per their request to try to minimize the spit up. We were using brezza bottles and switched to Dr. Brown’s after they asked us to do that last week.
Pogo says
Ugh, mine was a spitter too so I feel you. We used Dr. Brown’s, and still suffered continuous spit up until almost 12 months (sorry. hope this is not the case for you).
Not what you’re asking, but I sent mine with two Aden + Anais “burpy” cloths which tie around the neck like a cape and daycare used those to prevent multiple outfit changes per day. Such a lifesaver during those spitty times.
It sounds like this daycare doesn’t mesh well with your family, so I might consider looking somewhere else for everyone’s peace of mind. On this particular situation – a happy spitter – I never got called for spit up. One time I got a call about a fever, and when I showed up, kiddo was very clearly sick. Maybe I’ve been incredibly lucky, but getting a 1x/week call about a fever seems excessive.
To be clear he was sick much more than the one time I was called – but usually it was so obvious the night before or in the morning that I wouldn’t even send him. If LO seems OK to you, and is not running a fever in the morning, I find it really weird they’re so consistently calling you saying there’s a fever.
Anonymouse says
Unfortunately I think missing an average of 1/day month is less than we’ve experienced for the first year in daycare. Mine has been sent home for temperature and pink eye; those are usually home for 24 hours and then back. But each ear infection has been at least 2 days off, and often the full week. We’ve both had to use unpaid leave days b/c came back from family leave with none and can’t rebuild fast enough. Now that it’s a new fiscal year we have additional vacation – so we’re deliberately not using so that we can save for kid sick days. It sucks, but if you can’t afford a nanny and don’t have space for an au pair, I think it’s the reality for the first year or two.
Anonymous says
Not OP, but it’s 1 day/week on average – she said she’s been there 6 weeks and missed 6 days. It really doesn’t sound like the kid is sick at all either. I get that kids get sick a lot in daycare but I’d be really irritated about having to keep a healthy baby home this much.
Anonymous says
Blowouts are normal. Spit-up is normal and agree with the poster above that actual vomit is unmistakable. Fussiness has a spectrum, but is generally normal. Do they just take all the kids’ temp every day as a matter of course?
I would have a frank conversation with the director about what is going on. Ask why they’re taking temperatures. Get your doctor to give you a note saying that he/she has examined your baby and found that XYZ symptoms are not indicative of illness in this case. FWIW, for borderline temps without other major symptoms, my dacyare center takes a second reading a half hour or so later. I’ve had the teacher call to say a first reading was 100.1, but kid is resting and they’ll retake it in a bit and I may need to come get her if it’s still over 100. Activity (and fussing definitely counts for babies) can raise body temperature, so if your baby is in mid screaming fit, that’s not the most accurate reading.
Anon says
Yes, screaming fits definitely raise body temperature! Have you heard about white coat hypertension for adults? Where your blood pressure is high, but only at the doctor’s office? My daughter is always running a “fever” in the doctor’s office and the doctor said she has ‘white coat fever’ – basically the stress of being in the doctor’s office raises her temperature and makes it appear she has a fever when she’s healthy. Same thing can happen with screaming/crying or other stressful situations. We actually had to get a doctor’s note for daycare, because whenever they take her temperature at daycare it’s always high, even when she’s perfectly healthy. Maybe you could get a similar note from your ped.
Eek says
+1 to all of this.
RR says
Totally unreasonable, and I’d push back with the pediatrician note. Adding a degree is bonkers.
anon says
I think your daycare sounds unreasonable, based on my own experience (I have a 7 month old in daycare). My baby would be sent home all the time if I were in your shoes. It’s not only a hassle, it’s stressful for you to constantly be evaluating whether your baby is sick and taking her in to be seen, when it sounds like she’s probably fine. My baby had tons of blowouts and spits up a few times a day. Breastfed babies tend to have runnier poop, I’m told. My daycare doesn’t do the additional point thing either and only sends babies home if the thermometer reads 101 or above. The only time my daycare measured my baby’s temperature was when we let them know she was extra fussy and that we had checked her temperature earlier that day, so we put them on alert that there may be a problem. I’d ask if your baby’s behavior seems fussy or uncomfortable or otherwise abnormal to put these other symptoms in context. I would think about looking for a new daycare to see what’s available at least, or talk to other moms in your area to find out what their experience has been at other places.
Anonymous says
This seems strange to me. I’ve had two refluxy babies in daycare, so they spat up a lot, but their teachers knew that was par for the course. I can only think of a couple times daycare took their temperatures–usually when they were obviously acting sick (warm, clingy, not at all active). As toddlers, I’ve even picked them up and been told that one threw up, but that the teachers thought it was because she gagged on a piece of snack or drank too much water too fast, so they didn’t bother sending her home because it was a one-time thing and she’s otherwise acting fine. Can you try to see if there are spots available at other places?
SC says
I agree that this seems unreasonable and excessive. I’d also be concerned about it impacting your and your husband’s ability to take PTO when the baby is actually sick, which is almost inevitable the first year or two of daycare. If you can’t work with the center, you need to find a new daycare.
Anon says
Yes! This is huge. Babies get sick enough at daycare without you having to miss work for things like this. I would have a very frank discussion with the director and if that didn’t work, find a new center.
Anonymous says
Had an OB appointment this morning, and the doctor scheduled a growth sonogram because baby is measuring big (at 28 weeks). I should have asked at the time, and will ask later, but what happens if he is indeed measuring big? Would they induce sooner? Or something else?
Anonymous says
It could mean gestational diabetes or too much fluid (this is rare! Don’t panic!). Did you have your glucose screening today too? So they probably need to see if the size is caused by baby or by fluid. Even when people have really big babies they probably wouldn’t induce until you’re at or over term. And size measurements during ultrasounds can be off by a pound or more later on in pregnancy.
Anonymous says
Thanks! Yes, had the glucose screening today also, so I don’t have the results yet.
Anonymous says
If the baby is big, they might want to induce sooner but I would be hesitant. Ultrasound growth measurements are REALLY unreliable, and women birth big babies all the time. Early in my pregnancy, my OB mentioned that I had a very narrow pelvis and she didn’t think I would be able to v-birth any baby over about 6 pounds. Baby was measuring big at my 34 week scan, so she offered induction at 39 weeks or on my due date, which I declined (I really wanted labor to start spontaneously). I eventually agreed to a scheduled induction at 41 weeks and then ended up getting induced a couple days before that because they didn’t feel like the baby was moving enough. My baby was almost 9 pounds and 22″ and came out of my pelvis very easily (less than an hour of pushing). She did have a slightly smaller than average head, but was otherwise big. In hindsight my doctor’s negativity and (very artificial, imo) 6 pound limit caused me a lot of unnecessary stress and worry and if/when I get pregnant again, I think I’ll switch doctors.
Anonymous says
+1 I’m on my second pregnancy and diving deep into un-medicated birth books. I had an un-medicated birth with my first and I found the subject fascinating. Anyways, epidural or not, the theory that womens pelvises are too narrow to naturally birth babies is ridiculous and hold out from 1950s obstetrics. Yes, sometimes a very petite woman will have trouble giving birth to a baby from her very large husband. But women are ultimately mammals and completely capable of birthing babies! Plenty of women give birth to 9lb plus babies with zero issues.
Anon says
I had a baby that measured big (big babies are normal in my family – notwithstanding normal-sized adults). For me it meant an extra GD screening later, even though I had passed my first. Because she measured more than 90% consistently (I was getting weekly ultrasounds by the end due to other health conditions) I was able to elect a C. Given I was scheduled for an induction (other health reasons) at 38 + 2 that was likely expected to be long and probably unsuccessful given first pregnancy, no contractions and not at all dialated, I happily took the offered C. At 38 + 2, my baby was 8lb 6 oz and 21″, while measuring at close to 10 on the ultrasound. That being said, I think she would have been pretty large had I gone all the way to 40 weeks. She’s still a large toddler, FWIW, consistently in the 90th percentile for height and weight and looks 1-2 years older than she is.
Anonymous says
In my case, I had extra ultrasounds to monitor the child’s growth. Based upon measurements, it was recommended around 36 weeks that I schedule a c section. As my family typically has big babies with big heads, I went with that advice. C section was at almost 39 weeks. Child was just under 9 lbs but had an enormous head