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I believe I first saw these pants recommended in the comments on Corporette. I happened to be in Uniqlo at the mall over the weekend and saw these in person, and they were very nice. They come in a lot of different patterns and colors and are only $39.90. The best part, aside from being machine washable (and wrinkle-resistant), is that they have an elastic waist and are sized in XS, S, etc., and still look professional. Even though I would wear them now when I can no longer be classified as postpartum, I can see these being essential when going back to work after leave and not wanting anything too restricting around your middle or being in between sizes. Another possibility is wearing them while in early pregnancy for comfort or to hide a growing belly. Smart Style Ankle-Length Pants This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
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Kid/Family Sales
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- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
Should I get the baby jogger city select stroller or the city premiere? First kid, NJ NYC suburb with an SUV. Thanks all!
Anonymous says
We have the city premier. Going back in time I would’ve gotten the city mini gt. The city premier is heavy. But I do love that baby can face you, and it can be used as a car-seat stroller as well.
S says
We have the citimini non-gt. I highly recommend trying to lift both as high as you’d need to to lift it into the trunk before deciding. I found the non-gt so much lighter that it was worth it.
Anonymous says
Yes, and something I didn’t think of, later in my pregnancy I lost a lot of my upper-body strength since I stopped going to my weights class. Plus add in the weird core adjustments you go through in your final trimester/postpartum, I was a lot weaker after delivery. So the city premier didn’t feel heavy to me at 14 weeks pregnant…but did at 3 weeks post-partum.
If you’re asking whether to get a double-stroller because you have plans to have a second kid eventually, people are usually split on this issue. I say no though. We have one kid and we’ll just buy a double stroller when it’s time. And I think a lot of people on this thread have experience with the city select and kids outgrowing the seat early due to height.
Amelia Bedelia says
You guys. I am so devastated about Kate Spade. I’ve never been impacted by “celebrity” deaths, etc., beyond thinking it’s sad for the family.
But my sorrow for her family and the happy memories I have for her line for 15 years is so real.
The first “grown up” bag I purchased with my first real pay check as an adult was Kate Spade.
That’s all. I can’t articulate this in real life, but I’m so sad.
Anonymous says
I’m with you. It’s really hitting me in a way other celebrity deaths never have. I pulled out some of my favorite pieces from her and am wearing them today. Her pieces were so joyful. She made dressing business casual colorful and whimsical, but still on the fun side of professional.
lawsuited says
Kate Spade has been part of every milestone in my life: my wedding day, my call to the bar, my first raise, my 30th birthday, becoming a mom were all celebrated with something beautiful from her brand.
I do recognize though that her brand has not been designed by her personally for 10 years and will continue after her death so there is no real loss to me whereas the loss to her family is unimaginable.
Anonymous says
I feel awful for her daughter. I think the note she left her kid (“it’s not your fault, ask daddy”) almost makes it worse. I’m sure I’d be devastated if my husband cheated or left or whatever but as a relatively new parent I absolutely cannot fathom doing that to my child.
Anonymous says
Pls can we not? Suicide is not a rational choice you make. Just don’t.
Anonymous says
I know. But it happened and the living are left to pick up the very real pieces of this.
Anonymous says
And you aren’t part of it, is my point. So keep your judgment to yourself.
Anonymous says
It does not take a rocket scientist to see how devastating this is to families, especially children, especially if it happened in the house. And the writer has no control over how a note would be taken by its reader, especially if that reader is a child, especially if that child is named in the note.
anne-on says
Me too. That brand (and the knock off nylon bag I bought in HS) were part of my first ‘real’ professional work uniform. Her shoes/bags did (and still do) feel like a fun expression of femininity instead of the glamazon sex and the city aesthetic that was so popular in the early 2000’s. I am so, so sad for her daughter and family as well.
Anon for This says
I am heartbroken for her and her family. One of the NPR podcasts featured her a while back, and it was a wonderful glimpse into the making of the brand. I felt like I got to know her story a bit more through that podcast. However, you never know what battles people fight, and sometimes, those battles are kept even from their closest family and friends.
Suicide is heartbreaking and not rational. Two and a half years ago, in a state of shock, I drove my husband to the ER because he was suicidal, had a plan, had written notes, etc. I am so grateful that he stayed for just a moment more. He is still here, and I can ask questions, but my head and heart still have trouble understanding. Suicide is no one’s fault; there is no blame to be laid; there is grief; and, hopefully, in time, there is peace.
Anon says
Why is there no blame to be laid? If a mentally ill person killed someone else, we would lay blame right? I mean we might not feel they should go to jail but we can still say they were at fault. I don’t see why it’s any different if you kill yourself and cause great harm to the people around you. I have a friend whose father killed himself – she definitely feels anger towards him and feels like he wronged her and her siblings, and I totally understand that feeling. I think you can recognize that the person who killed themselves was in great pain and feel empathy for that, while also recognizing that their actions were incredibly hurtful to others and feel anger about that. Empathy and anger aren’t mutually exclusive.
Anon for This says
Because you would not blame someone for dying from ovarian cancer.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry but I just don’t think that’s an apt analogy. Suicide involves making a choice. I recognize that mental illness affects your mind and your ability to make rational choices, but it’s simply not the same as being hit by a bus or dying randomly from cancer. Perhaps blaming a smoker who died from lung cancer is a better analogy because then there’s a causal link between a choice and the death. But it still doesn’t feel analogous to me – a smoker is engaging in risky behavior that increases the risk of death but that isn’t the same as actually choosing to die. I think a better analogy would be someone who has treatable cancer and refuses treatment, and I would judge that.
AwayEmily says
I’m hoping to call on the collective potty training wisdom here…we potty trained our 27-month-old two weeks ago using the Oh Crap method and it went wonderfully. She loved it, and we’ve had only three pee accidents since we trained her. Poop, however, is another story, and I’m not sure what to do. She’s made it on the potty a couple times, but most of her BMs have been accidents, and she’s also definitely holding for longer than usual — she used to go at least daily, and now it’s every other day. She doesn’t seem to be scared of pooping on the potty (she often “tries” to poop and is disappointed when it’s just a fart), and when she does make it on she’s very proud.
Is this something we have to wait out, or is there some intervention we should be doing? It’s frustrating because it doesn’t seem like there’s been any improvement over the last couple of weeks, and most of the advice I’ve read has been for kids who are actively resisting or scared, neither of which seem to describe her.
GCA says
Keep encouraging her (I know – it’s a fine line between encouragement and pressure sometimes!). We potty trained kiddo around 25 months, so roughly the same age/ developmental stage, and a week or two out he was still having the occasional poopcident from holding just a wee bit too long. If she’s not actively resisting or scared of pooping on the potty, just keep encouraging her to go earlier (insert appropriate Daniel Tiger song here.) Good luck!
Anon in NYC says
I would keep tabs on her schedule / physical signs (i.e., is she standing), and keep encouraging her by putting her on the toilet more frequently. My pediatrician said to also give her some time on the potty, to let her relax. My kid has never relaxed on the potty and now exclusively poops in diapers and we’re working to get back to the toilet, so what do I know, but that was the advice her doctor gave us.
Pretty Primadonna says
My DD is 23 months. We used the Oh Crap! method about 2.5 weeks ago, and we are facing the same problem. She holds it and then goes in her pants, then is shy about getting cleaned up. While she’s holding it, she refuses to go into the bathroom and sit on the potty at all, so I surmise she’s scared of pooping on the potty. She has done it twice, both times at daycare, and both those times were previous to us starting to really “train” her.
I’m at a loss for what to do. All advice is greatly appreciated!
AwayEmily says
It’s so frustrating, right?? I just saw on my daycare’s app that she had *another* BM accident at school. I’m starting to feel really bad about making them deal with all of these and I’m a little afraid that at some point they will tell us we need to put her back in diapers.
Anonymous says
Wanted to share this Ask Polly column from today. It spoke to me in so many ways about how hard it is to balance parenting and house keeping, even with a helpful partner, and offered really great tips for talking out loud about it– something I am bad at.
https://www.thecut.com/2018/06/ask-polly-why-do-new-mothers-hate-their-husbands.html
AwayEmily says
Great link, thanks. Sharing it now with some mom friends.
Anonymous says
Share it with Dad friends!!!!
AwayEmily says
SUCH A GREAT POINT. Will do.
Anonymous says
I’m going to send it to my husband :P
lawsuited says
I sent it to all the young dads I work with.
Anonymous says
This kills me, specifically the part at the end about how each partner should want the other to be happy. My husband is constantly complaining about how his life stinks because he has to do a few chores and then wait around for me to do the rest, when what he really wants to do is “have fun together.” This really means that he wants me to get everything that’s important to him done invisibly, then neglect the things he doesn’t care about that are important to me, so I am free to pay attention to him all the time and orchestrate his social life. He is forever initiating serious talks about how he is unhappy and it’s all my fault. Are there men out there who genuinely care about their wives’ happiness after having kids? I sure haven’t met any.
Yikes says
Yes, there are men who care about their wives’ happiness. But your husband ain’t one of them right now. It sounds like your husband is being really unfair and unkind. Hopefully some ladies here that can give you advice.
Anonymous says
Yup! There are. And being single is better than being with trash.
CPA Lady says
Mine does. But only after I started asking for everything I wanted. Everything. Every time. So many things and so many times that it felt and still feels embarrassing. But I had to because if I didn’t I was going to hate his guts or lose my mind.
This paragraph rang especially true to me:
“Write this on your wall, across your face: ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT DOES NOT MAKE YOU UNGRATEFUL. It makes you sane. It makes you happy. It makes you more generous. It makes both of you much more relaxed. ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT INCREASES YOUR GRATITUDE.”
Because it wasn’t until I gave him an opportunity to say yes that I realized how many times he would say yes (which turns out to be almost 100% of the time). And how happy and grateful that would make us both.
Anonymous says
Omg I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Yes, my husband genuinely cares about my happiness. He is more than capable of childcare and housework and arranging for a sleepover for the kids at his mom’s and booking a weekend at the beach. Really, life can be better than this.
Anonymous says
What do you think he would say if you told him just what you told us here? Do you think he would be totally shocked or have you told him these things before? This stuff is so tough. Good luck.
Anonymous says
His response was that I am a control freak and probably have OCD because floors don’t really need to be vacuumed more than once a month.
Anonymous says
I was with a guy like that. Got divorced. Made my life ONE MILLION times better. If you want to chat offline, post an anon email address. xoxo
Anonymous says
My husband was anti-house cleaner at first. Find the money and do it. That’s step 1.
Anonymous says
His response sounds cruel, but also floors really *don’t* need to be vacuumed more than once a month. There is something to be said for letting go of the idea that you must eat healthy meals all the time, have a perfectly clean house, always look stylish and put together, etc. – especially in this relatively short phase of life with young children. Trying to spend less time on chores (whether that’s outsourcing them or not doing them) and more time having fun with your family might make you all happier.
Anon in NYC says
I’m really sorry. It sounds like he’s being really cruel. Personally, I would hire a house cleaner to come 2-4x per month for a month or two. Insist that this is what you need to be “more fun.”
CCLA says
Not at all excusing your husband’s behavior, but +1 to outsourcing. Also, if you find the idea of figuring out how/what to outsource overwhelming, which I totally do, consider buying a roomba. It’s like outsourcing your vacuuming to a robot. It can run while you’re at work or out running errands. Our entire 1700sq ft place gets vacuumed with literally 2-5 min of time spent by us.
lawsuited says
Yes, there are definitely fathers who care about the happiness of their spouse. I hope you respond to his serious talks about his unhappiness by explaining what you’ve just explained to us.
Anon says
What if you just “have fun” for a week doing no invisible labor and let him see what that looks like. I’m the lazier between my husband and I and he has done that before just to show me how much he does behind the scenes. Most Saturdays I’m like “screw cleaning, let’s go ride bikes.” So he indulged me for a bit and now I’ll say, woah, this house is dirty, let’s clean it before we go out. He sees the house as dirty before I do.
lawsuited says
+1 I’m the Constant Tidier so my husband slowly stopped bothering to put anything away because after 30 minutes it would magically be tidied away. For a week I stopped tidying altogether (even though it spiked my anxiety) and then my husband was tearing his hair out with “argh! there’s stuff everywhere!”
Lana Del Raygun says
I’m also in favor of this. Quit cleaning! “Have fun”! Lean into squalor! One of a couple things will probably happen (actually, they’ll probably all happen with different tasks):
– You will discover that floors don’t actually need to be vacuumed more than once a month, in which case, enjoy your new free time! (The first time I ever mopped our last apartment was the day before the move-out inspection, and no one died.)
– He will discover that floors do actually need to be vacuumed more than once a month, and will participate in making that happen since he will understand the alternative, in which case, enjoy watching your husband vacuum!
– The two of you will discover that he doesn’t actually need the floors to be vacuumed more than once a month but you do, which means that you can’t have fun until they are vacuumed. Then either he decides that the floor mattering to you is enough to make it matter to him (even if indirectly), or you go to couples therapy but both of you a clearer idea of what’s really going on and what options you have to choose from.
SC says
Haha. When DH and I first moved in together, I did an experiment where I didn’t do the dishes and let them stack up until DH noticed that the dishes were dirty. It never happened, even when we ran out of plates. I snapped and went bat-sh*t crazy. It was not the best week for either of us, and I’m happy to say we’ve both matured in the last 12 years. I know with certainty, though, that DH just does not “see” mess.
One passive-aggressive solution is that I suggest we invite people over, which gives us both motivation to actually clean our house, or at least the rooms that guests see.
S says
Yes, I certainly have complaints about my husband, but he absolutely wants me to be happy and cares when I’m unhappy, and is willing to figure out how we can both me happy most of the time. That’s really basic in a partner I think.
Aly says
Yes. Mine was very concerned when I wanted to cloth diaper. He told me that he was worried that it was another chore that I’d take on when I didn’t need to. He told me we didn’t need to do it to save money and we can save the environment in other ways. I actually thought it was sweet. He also tries to emphasize that I need to take care of myself to take care of the baby and that it is okay to make “selfish” decisions sometimes.
Anon says
You are a kind wife, I would have assumed it was really because he didn’t want to handle poop! I find washing my cloth diapers to be much less mentally stressful than making sure we have enough stock of diapers and wipes in the appropriate sizes.
Anonymous says
Clearly there are men out there like that. But, to offer a different opinion, it sounds like your husband is seriously having trouble adjusting to life as a parent. Or accepting his life as a parent. May I kindly suggest couples or individual counseling? It’s not well known, but up to 10% of men get post-partum depression as well (mostly due from the adjustment to fatherhood), and just like women’s PPD, the effects can last for years. It sounds like he misses life pre-parenthood. Which of course, sometimes moms do too, but as well all know women are tough!
I know, the whole thing is total BS since we’re the ones that have to grow the GD baby and then possibly feed it with our bodies as well.
anne-on says
Oh my gosh, SO MUCH this. I am forever (it feels like!, probably every few months) discussing with my husband that I am NOT the boss of our house/child, and that it makes me feel like he’s an incompetent intern when I have to actually tell him stuff like ‘put the laundry in the dryer, or we need to get to the grocery store’. His boss wouldn’t accept that from him at work at his level and I won’t at home. The boss analogy seemed to run true.
I’ve also started calmly laying out all his requests – like, ok, you want to work out 5 nights a week? I also want to go to the gym – and we as a family need to do x/y/z – how can we fit that all in? It generally helps him realize that he needs to learn (although it kills me that this is something he needs to learn!) that his wants cannot overbalance the stuff that *has* to get done, nor should it take up the majority of the free time we have because, hey, I want to get out too!
Um, and in moments of frustration I also admit to just throwing stuff on him. Like, nope, not getting up with kids on the weekend. He mentioned it once in frustration that he’s ‘always getting up with the kids while I go back to sleep’. I was like, yup, you are! That’s because I handle dinner and homework every single weeknight since you’re at work or commuting home – isn’t it great that we can split it up where I can sleep in a bit and you don’t have to walk in the house and immediately feed the dog, unload the dishwasher, deal with homework and feed everyone? No more snide comments since…
Anonymous says
YES this helps so much – to call out the snide comments with, “yup, you are! That’s because I handle dinner and homework every single weeknight since you’re at work or commuting home – isn’t it great that we can split it up where I can sleep in a bit and you don’t have to walk in the house and immediately feed the dog, unload the dishwasher, deal with homework and feed everyone?” LOVE IT.
lawsuited says
+1 I also have got into the habit of using more pointed language to explain why I need an evening off or a Saturday morning out of the house rather than resorting to more neutral language. So instead of “it’s been a rough week” I say “you working late 5 nights in a row this week has been rough on me”. Because it’s not just “life happens” without any rhyme or reasons, it’s my spouse making decisions that directly impact my life and it’s not my job to completely absorb the impact of that without any butterfly effect to him.
ANon says
Ugh. I just shared it with my husband and we got into a huge fight about it. He thinks he does 90% of all the childcare and household work. Seriously. He does two things: the first diaper change in the morning and then watches kiddo for 1.5 hours in the evening before I get home. Bedtime routine is split about 50/50. But he genuinely thinks he does all the work himself. He does zero household chores unless I nag him to do something. The only household chore he does without me prompting him it taking out the trash.
I asked him to give me a list of all the things he does, because maybe I just wasn’t realizing how much he really does that I don’t notice. He took his two things and just stretched them out as much as possible. For example, he said about the first diaper change in the morning: “I get Baby out of his crib, because I know you like to sleep in and it is hard for you to get out of bed in the morning, so I do that for you. And since I naturally wake up earlier than you it would make sense for me to do that instead of making you do it, so that’s why I do it. I get Baby out of his crib and he needs to be changed in the morning. It’s not like there are some mornings that he does not need a diaper change and others that he does. He needs his diaper changed every single morning when he first gets up. So I get Baby out of his crib and I change him. But he fights me every time so I have to hold him down and he is kicking and crying, but I do it anyway.”
It’s hard to describe how I feel about the issue of me doing everything and him doing virtually nothing. I used to be very angry about it. Lately, I find myself wondering whether it would really be so bad if it were just Baby and me by ourselves.
Anon says
I think you are really glossing over the 1.5 hours of solo childcare he does daily. That is not him doing nothing. I assume that also means he does daycare pickup?
Maybe I read your post wrong but his 2 things are kind of big things. After he changes the babies diaper in the AM, doesn’t he continue to watch the baby until you get up?
Lana Del Raygun says
I’m so sorry! If he literally thinks he’s doing 90% of the work, he has no idea how much you’re doing. What would happen if you gave him a similar list of everything you do? I would be so tempted to just stop doing housework and let him see it all unravel, but that might cause a bigger fight. (As a combination of these two strategies, maybe make the list and then sit down with him and say “I can’t do all this. If you can’t take on any of it, let’s figure out what we can outsource and what I can just quit”?)
Anon says
I agree he is not doing “nothing” if he is watching the kid for 1.5 hours every day before you get home and you are sharing the bedtime routine equally. The first diaper change doesn’t seem like a big deal but the other stuff does. How long do you watch your kid solo each weekday? Because most working parents I know don’t have much more than 3 waking hours with their child each day (especially if you exclude the bedtime routine) so if he is doing 1.5 hours that sounds fairly balanced.
ANon says
Yes, Anons at 1:14 and 1:30, you are 100% correct that him doing 1.5 hours of solo childcare daily is significant. I acknowledged that to him this morning. In fact, I acknowledged it before he even had to bring it up. I do acknowledge it, and I do recognize, and I do appreciate it, and I told him that. But after he does the morning diaper change he gives Baby a bottle of milk, puts Baby back in his crib and he is done for the morning. I am then with Baby for about 1.5 hours before daycare. So, yes, the 3 hours that we both get with Baby is split 50/50 for the most part. But that’s the only thing he does. I handle everything else related to Baby and maintaining the house. I deal with daycare, scheduling, making sure baby has clothes that fit, keeping track of Baby’s development (take to take bottle away, time to stop with the pacifier, etc.), doctor’s visits, making sure baby has food, milk, diapers, wipes, clean clothes, and all the other things that keep a small human being alive and thriving. I handle all our pets’ health care, taking them to the vet, giving them their medicine, making sure they have food, etc. And, most importantly, I do all the housework. The only thing he does without prompting is take out the trash.
When we were talking this morning, I shared with him the list of things that I believed I was doing 100% on my own. I asked him to share his own list with me about the things he believes he does 100% on my own because maybe the problem we are having is that each of us thinks they are doing 100% because we don’t realize just how much the other person does. All he could come up with is the morning diaper change (which I had already told him I acknowledged and appreciated) and the 1.5 hour solo parenting in the evening (which I had already told him I acknowledged and appreciated). When I told him that those two things did not add up to 50% of ALL childcare and housework, he just couldn’t see the math.
Maybe the problem is me. But I just don’t feel like it is. Am I really wrong?
ANon says
Also, the 1.5 hours in the evening includes all the bedtime routine (reading, bath, and then into bed). Baby has usually already eaten dinner by the time he is picked up from daycare, so feeding him is rarely necessary (although he loves a small snack before bath). Since I do the reading, bath, and into bed 50% of time, that means 50% of the time, my husband’s 1.5 is reduced to about 45 minutes.
I’m really not trying to sound like I am tracking every minute of time that we each spend with Baby, but when I start to break it down, the math does not add up to him doing 90%. Hence the fight this morning.
Lana Del Raygun says
I don’t think it’s productive to argue about who’s doing what proportion of the work. If you were doing 99.9% and happy about it, would you have gotten into a fight?
The point is that you are doing more than you can sustainably handle, right? That means something has to come off your list, which means he has to do it, you guys have to pay someone to do it, or you guys have to agree that it won’t get done. Forget about percentages and figure out how to come to a distribution that you’re both satisfied with (which is more important than it being 50:50).
Unless the point *is* that you want it to be 50:50 and/or for him to acknowledge that he’s not doing 90%, on principle. What is it that you really want here? I think you have to get that clear in your own mind, if you haven’t already.
(I also think that you should 100% avoid saying to him that he does “virtually nothing,” even with the caveats you’ve pointed out and even if it feels true to you. That’s a really hard thing for a partner to hear.)
Anon says
I’m the Anon at 1:14. I don’t think you are wrong. I also thought you were talking about childcare more than the global picture.
Anon says
It’s not just you. Explicity say you do 1.5 hours in morning, he does 1.5 hours in evening (and you both “help” during those times – he does first diaperStart giving him some of your items. And give him ALL of the maintenance included.
For example, he is now in charge of all baby scheduling – daycare, dr visits, etc. Ask him to take it on. He should not complain since he thinks it’s not much work anyway. If someone calls you, you say “actually, talk to my husband, he’s in charge of that” and then let him figure it out. He can keep mental track of everything and deal with all the calls and scheduling.
Also put him in charge of at least one baby supply, and one pet supply. All food, all diapers, all whatever. That includes him figuring out when it’s time to move to the next step and what to do with the old stuff. If he asks you to help figure out when Baby should start solids, you tell him “I used to research a ton, pick 2-3 methods, and then run them by you for your opinion. Which method are you leaning toward so far?”
Anonymous says
So it’s cultural week at bright horizons. Any idea how to navigate this now and going forward? My kid is 2. My husband and I are of very mixed European ancestry and don’t feel comfortable claiming any specific heritage. Yes we’re thrilled that our son is celebrating and learning about everyone else’s culture but really we’re just boring whitish folks who’ve been a bit melted down in this pot. I respect and value diversity but I’m at a loss here. This was a problem a few times in my own childhood.
For example, I have an ethnically Jewish name and Jewish heritage but am not Jewish. I’m very uncomfortable adopting a Jewish tradition that we don’t practice, or a food that we don’t eat, for the purpose of this exercise. Likewise, my husband has some Italian heritage but I’m uncomfortable pretending we eat authentic Italian food because we don’t.
Hopefully, this doesn’t come across as “woe is the white person.” I’m really excited for my kid to be in a diverse class; I just don’t want to engage in what feels like cultural appropriation for the sake of participation.
Anyone ideas?
Anonymous says
You have Italian heritage? In like absolutely zero way is it cultural appropriation to acknowledge that. You are not pretending that you eat traditional food all the time. You’re way overthinking this.
Anonymous says
Sorry, to clarify we were asked to share a cultural tradition.
avocado says
I think the fear of cultural appropriation has gone so far that people are now afraid of trying to learn about other cultures. There is absolutely nothing wrong with researching another culture, cooking or purchasing a dish that’s as authentic as possible, and sharing what you’ve learned.
I do understand your frustration, though. I still remember when my Brownie troop leader asked us all to share a winter holiday tradition and I said my family didn’t have any traditions because I thought only ethnic minorities and people who could trace their ancestry back to a particular country, tribe, etc. could have traditions.
Anonymous says
Thanks. I agree and I’ll apologize for using a loaded term.
What I mean is, it feels quite different for my child to learn and share when another child brings in actual ethnic food and/or traditions (say, a grandparent’s recipe or traditional game) than for me to to run to the store for my best estimation of what folks in Italy eat and then represent that it’s reflective of our family’s cultural traditions.
avocado says
But what’s wrong with saying, “We have some Italian ancestors, so we decided to learn more about our heritage. Here is the dish we learned to cook and what we learned about it.”?
Anonymous says
There is nothing wrong with that. But the assignment was to share your family’s particular cultural traditions, so it feels disingenuous. And like a lot of work.
Anonymous says
It’s. Daycare. For. A. Two. Year. Old.
You do not need to get an A+ on this assignment because literally no one cares.
Anonymous says
Aware of that. But I’m trying to do my best in all things and anticipating this issue coming up over the course of his childhood. Im also taking advantage of the opportunity to present my concerns anonymously to educated and thoughtful fellow parents.
Meg Murry says
I was also going to suggest just skipping it because your kid won’t really know or care this year. Since he’s only 2, now sounds like a good time to start some family traditions of your own, even if they aren’t from a specific “culture”. Do you have any memories of favorite things to bake/eat/play with from your childhood with your parents or grandparents? Take a memory that you have as being “fun” and purposely make a new tradition. For instance in my family my Grandma often made angel food cake (probably from a box) to serve with the local summer strawberries. I remember it happily, even if my memories might be muddled (maybe she only did it a few times? but it feels like every summer in my memories) so I try to serve angel food cake with strawberries to my kids at least once in the summer (even if it means store bought cake) and tell them how we used to eat it at my Grandma’s house.
Lyssa says
My dad’s side of the family is Italian-American, and I very much think that that is a culture of it’s own (separate from Italian culture per se). So, if you’re someone who, say, ate a lot of spaghetti and meatballs (American-style) growing up, that seems fine to me. I also agree with BC’s suggestion that plain old American traditions are certainly cultural as well.
My law school’s multi-ethnic group had a food day once where participants were asked to bring “something from their cultural tradition or that they grew up eating” which I thought was nice – we had a lot of just traditional southern food. My dad frequently made something called “pepperoni bread” when I was a kid (bread dough rolled up with pepperoni and provolone). I’ve never heard of it anywhere else, and I have no idea whether it’s any sort of “Italian,” but it’s definitely something I grew up eating, so I brought it and it was a huge hit.
Anon says
Im melting pot white and DH is melting pot white and African American. My take on this would be to take a favorite in your house. I would present present it as we dont have a heritage that we identify with closely and thus we wanted to share our favorite family meal (dessert, breakfast, treat, whatever).
For Lyssa, I grew up in West Virginia and we have a tradition of pepperoni rolls, no Italian heritage, but pepperoni rolls are a WV thing, and perhaps a thing in other places too.
Lyssa says
Hah, that’s funny. I’m not sure that anyone in my dad’s side of the family has ever even been to WV.
Anonymous says
I was going to say that about WV too. I’ve never heard of them outside of WV where my mom is originally from.
Anonymous says
Oof this is tricky. As a Jewish person, I would be pretty offended if someone who was not Jewish was teaching the class about Jewish traditions they don’t participate in, so I think you’re right to be wary. Italian seems less problematic to me, although I’m not Italian so maybe it’s presumptuous for me to say. What exactly are you being asked to do? If it’s simply to send in a food that represents his heritage, I think it would be fine to send in an Italian food if he has documented Italian ancestry. But yeah this seems so weird to me because most white people in the US are a mix of hBritish/Irish/German/French/Italian and don’t identify strongly with one of those particular nationalities.
Anonymous says
I grew up in New Jersey so as a child I practiced a lot of Jewish and Italian and Puerto Rican and Pakistani traditions just by osmosis. And I lived overseas for a while in Asia. I live now in a big SEUS city, but in an area that is more starkly black and white and less melting pot than other areas. In my area, my kids could legitimately (I think) many things as things we do in our house (my military friends did this a lot — I remember one white kid taught us about sushi in an area where no one else would have been able to share that), but in a more diverse area my kids might just share something more generic.
Anon says
My school did what OP’s son’s school is doing and we absolutely did have a British table and an Irish table and a German table, etc. I was at the Irish table and my mom would bake Irish Soda Bread. Sometimes I’d have corn beef and cabbage in a crock pot too. Every country has some notable food attached to it. It’s not cultural appropriation to bring the food in. Everyone basically went off the origin of their last name.
Anonymous says
My school worked like this too and it was problematic considering my last name, as indicated above. As a child in school, we never had a conversation about Jewish diaspora, or Jewish identity as a substitute for ethnic identity or cultural assimilation with regard to religious beliefs (like the rise of ethical humanism) or matrilineal religion. They just wanted me to bring in some latkes and it always felt like I was playing a part for them.
Anon says
Makes sense. I’m sure it can also be problematic for adopted kids.
BC says
Do you ever bake chocolate chip cookies? Apple pie? Pillsbury cinnamon buns? Have a favorite recipe for mac and cheese? Watch the Macys Thanksgiving parade every year? Carve pumpkins at Halloween? Those are all cultural traditions. What are your family traditions–that’s your culture and it would be lovely for your kid to get to own that and share it with her classmates.
BC says
*his classmates
Lana Del Raygun says
Or any family recipe! (True story: what I thought was an old, old family recipe turned out to be something my grandmother copied off the marshmallow bag. It should have occurred to me that anything that included Oreos probably isn’t *that* old, or from where my grandmother was born, namely China.)
GCA says
I am now dying to know what this ancient, very traditional family recipe was!
Lana Del Raygun says
It’s a frozen pie in an Oreo crumb crust; the filling is made of melted marshmallows, whipped cream, and creme de menthe. It is so, so good I do not care at all where it came from as long as it ends up in my mouth.
anon says
This is hilarious!
Anonymous says
Nestle Toolhoose cookies!
Anonymous says
Yes that’s what I thought of too…this recipe was handed down by my French grandmother Nestle Toulouse!
ElisaR says
haha, I had a similar instance. My 100% Norwegian grandmother always made the best spaghetti sauce. Then my mom always made it. Then I always made it. Right before she passed away I asked her where she got it? Back of a rigatoni box. Right. Not sure what I was expecting there…..
shortperson says
https://local.theonion.com/italian-grandmother-doesn-t-have-heart-to-tell-family-a-1822927180
Anon says
Can you celebrate where you are from in the US? For Boston you could bring in baked beans and wear a Red Sox jersey. My husband is from Buffalo and he is always talking about the sponge candy he ate growing up. Etc. I don’t think it needs to be that deep. Just celebrate where you’re from.
Anonymous says
This will work I think! I’ll bring in some local goods and say his family is from the area.
Anon says
Really? This feels worse than cultural appropriation. Really backs up the whole “some of us are *real* Americans, unlike the rest of you ferreners.” It seems gross.
Anonymous says
You think it’s gross that some people can’t trace their heritage to anywhere but the US? I have literally no connection that I know of to anywhere but the US. I’ve tried researching family trees and have gotten back to a dead end in the 1700s. My family was poor and white in Appalachia and that’s the extent that I can find out. I will not claim some random european identity that I know absolutely nothing about, so I would have to bring in something from the only culture I know– my personal family’s version of American culture. If that offends you, sorry, but that’s all I’ve got.
Anonymous says
Op- here ! You have a point- I was on my way to buy some local cookies but now I’m wondering if this feels like “we’re 8th generation locals, ahem.” What is your suggestion?
avocado says
Aw, c’mon, 1:18 p.m., lighten up. Anyone who has lived in a particular region of the U.S. can legitimately claim that as part of her cultural heritage.
avocado says
@1:33 p.m., me too. My grandfather literally grew up shooting rabbits to eat. I guess I the only thing I am allowed to bring in on cultural heritage day is rabbit stew.
Anonymous says
Op -here. My great grandfather fished eels out of the local harbor and had his wife fry them in butter. Every day. For lunch.
avocado says
There you go, then, bring fried eels!
Anonymous says
Further point to anon at 1:18. Does you point stand regardless of race? My cousin has African American heritage, and his family is from the American south, which I think he’d argue is fairly represented “culturally “ were he to claim a regional southern dish or tradition and I’d agree. Would you?
If so, is it claiming to be the culturally default (ie white American), what offends you? Or is there some notion of fault and/or blame in not knowing your ancestry that applies to whites folks and not African Americans?
Anon 1:18. says
Sorry all, I grew up in the Southwest and claiming to be “Southwestern’ is a pretty gross mis appropriation of culture. As in ripping off Native Americans and ripping off Latinx culture (who were mostly enslaved Native Americans forced into bondage and conversion by European Catholic Elites.) And also the white people who like to do things like shoot brown people at the border and claim they are in a militia. Maybe I’m too sensitive, so y’know, be from Boston, but don’t be from somewhere people have an actual claim to.
Anon says
My husband grew up being “Texan” on cultural days. His family has been in the US for hundreds of years. This worked well in Texas (all Texans love Texas pride!) as well as when he lived out of state. Our kids are technically insuppose more Irish and German than anything else (both DH and I have great great great greats from those countries) but our daughters are firmly American. ODD brought in clam chowder and wore cowboy boots on her culture day (I grew up in MA/ME).
NewMomAnon says
My family is vaguely “melting pot suburban white American” as well, so I’ve been thinking about this for when kiddo gets asked for a family cultural tradition. Here are a few that I’ve come up with:
– We have a middle name that is symbolic in the family’s religion (which I no longer practice, but gave to kiddo too).
– My grandmother had an “old family recipe” that involved lots of flavors of Jello. She served it at every holiday.
– We have some favorite sports teams that are local to the town where my mom grew up.
– My other grandmother spent some time living in a part of the world that had special flowers, and she often ordered them for special family occasions. That part of the world isn’t our biologic cultural heritage, but the flowers are important to us as a family.
– My mother’s family came from a country that serves special meat pies; we don’t eat them as a family (blech) but they serve them at family funerals. I consider that part of our heritage.
NewMomAnon says
Uf, I’m moving too fast today – that wasn’t “blech” to meat pies in general, but these specific ones often have prunes and are often prepared with very few spices or seasonings. Not my favorite texture or flavor.
IO says
First you should probably examine your family traditions better. For example, the first thing I learned to cook as a kid was a roux-based milk gravy. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned that milk gravies are very traditional in Scandinavia and that meat gravies are more common in most of Europe. And of course, my maternal grandmother’s family is Scandinavian. And milk gravy was the first thing my mom and grandmother learned how to cook. So just because you don’t think of something as a tradition, doesn’t mean it isn’t.
Second, if your concern really is about the future, then Avocado’s suggestion of learn something about your kids actual heritage is the way to go. You seem pretty resistant to that idea, which seems weird — especially since there is documented studies that knowing about family history improves resiliency in children. Which is why your school is doing this.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jan/14/children-family-histories-tales
Anonymous says
My hesitation stems not from a resistance to learn about other cultures but from my discomfort with the fact that we’ll have to pick one of many heritages and claim it as our own. It feels strange and it’s hard to divorce from a kind of value judgment. Does that make sense? Like should we call ourselves Irish or English and based on what? Based on what food is tastiest? Easiest to replicate? Shall we avoid certain sterotypes by claiming one over the other? It makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I’m pretending be something we’re not.
Further, my concerns of offending people are not purely academic: any heritage we attempt to lay claim to will likely be more accurately represented by my child’s classmates. It feels wrong to lecture someone whose parents immigrated from somewhere about the traditions of that country because we picked it from our genetic hat, and did a bit of research. Of course I’d feel different if it were randomly assigned. But the fact that we have to pick just never feels right.
anon says
I don’t have any useful suggestions, unfortunately, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. My uncle has gotten really into geneaology in the past few years. Fine. Except that he’s latched onto *one* part of our ancestry with zero regard to the other parts. And now he eats all the traditional foods, travels to our “home country” yearly (what?!) and goes to those particular cultural celebrations in our community. The rest of us truly don’t understand WHY he picked out that particular part — we are no more *that* than anything else. The cynical part of me thinks he just liked the traditions best, even though our family has never celebrated them/incorporated them at all. It’s weird.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this anecdote. I’d feel weird if I was you too! I’m sure someone got a doctorate in American studies by comparing people’s actual heritage with the heritage that they claim.
I’d bet it changes over time and world events.
Anonymous says
Choose something that’s actually a family tradition. Don’t read too much into the term “culture.” Just choose a family tradition and share it with the class.
BigLaw Sr Assoc says
First, this seems like an odd thing to do with 2 year olds. I am not convinced my kids knew who or where they were when they were two.
Anyways, I would just pick a family tradition, whatever that may be. And something simple like chocolate chip cookies or pie or whatever you do with your kid. The kids are two!
HSAL says
Anyone have these/know the inseam? I’m all about getting some good postpartum pants. Last time I got these Betabrand knockoffs from NY&Co that I loved, but they’re looking a little tired and are more suited to cold weather.
NewMomAnon says
I have a very short inseam and bought some elastic waistband ponte pants at J. Jill that are supposed to be clam-digger length but ended up perfect ankle length on me. They aren’t quite as slim as I’d like but they didn’t sag much during the day, which is my test of good ponte pants.
Anon says
This will out me to anyone that knows me but curious what those with kids (maybe older kids) would say. We have a 3 1/2 year old and a 2 year old and live in a 3 bedroom house. We are remodeling this summer and DD and DS are sharing a room and it’s going really, really well. DD is actually staying in the room all night, which she never does. DS is maybe a little sleepier but having fun with it.
We plan to have a third, probably around a year (maybe a little less) after we move back into our house. Would you move them into a shared room moving back to the house or keep them in separate rooms? Maybe decorate rooms for each but have them both sleep in one? I can’t decide the best way to play this!
Other background: only plan to stay in house for another four years or so, so wouldn’t have an issue with them needing separate rooms in this house as they grew older.
Anonymous says
If that lets you use one room as a kid playroom, that may help limit the kid clutter in the rest of your house.
op says
Yeah, we are remodeling to (among other things) create play space and office space, so to suddenly have a free bedroom feels weird (still a good idea to remodel)! I think there can never be enough kid flex space though, so this is probably a good way to think about it!
Anonymous says
We just bunked our kids. They are 2 and 4.5 and the 4.5 year old begged for it. The 2 y/o loves anything she can do with her sister so she was all in. It took a few weeks to adjust but the two biggest benefits I’ve seen since we did this in April are that they *both* go to bed easier (they sing to each other instead of annoying me for more songs, they “read” together, they comfort each other instead of shouting for me, etc) and that there is less upstairs mess. Rather than have toys askew in each girls’ bedroom plus in the hall between the two, I only have *one* room to clean. I also get to keep my office/guest room on the 2nd floor with a new baby coming (vs moving to the basement, which was the plan), so that’s a bonus!
The downside is that my older one is getting about 30-45 min less sleep than she used to, but we’re working in that.
OP says
It sounds like you are going through the exact thing I’m contemplating! I think I’m going to go for it. Their rooms were both really cute but really not gender neutral so I am not looking forward to redecorating, but that seems like a good idea long term anyways.
ifiknew says
I think 2 and 4.5 is a perfect age, but is it unrealistic prior to age 2 given how different sleeping schedules could be for a 1 and 3.5 year old? I’m debating the same thing..
Anonymous says
We eased in, putting the not-quite 2 y/o in her crib in the adjacent playroom for a few weeks with the Big Kid Twin Bed in with ODD. The room was new to them both (new baby is getting ODD’s room, YDD’s nursery became my office since it’s the smallest). There was a lot of crying andfussing at first but then they just started talking to each other from across the room and singing each other to sleep. After a few weeks my younger one kept asking to sleep in the big bed so we started to let her. It meant ODD had to stay up a little later, but she’s slowly been sleeping a bit later to make up for it.
RDC says
Late to reply but our 3.5 and 1.5 yo share and have since they were 2.5 and about 6 months. There have been hiccups but the disaster nights where they wake each other up have been surprisingly rare – maybe once or twice a month? The baby currently goes down about 30 minutes before the 3.5yo and he “sneaks in quietly” which actually involves a lot of noise but somehow the baby usually sleeps through. The trickier thing has been naps since they will keep each other up at nap time and have never really been on the same nap schedule. So we’ve kept a mini crib in the master bed for naps (which is only on the weekends anyways).
AIMS says
How is the bunk bed situation with your kids? Two year old is okay with the top bunk? I am considering this for my 2.5 y.o. and wondering if it’s too crazy.
Anonymous says
Oh, sorry. I used “bunked” to mean they share a room now. They are in twin beds and my younger one has railings up. I wouldn’t of either of them in a bunk bed at this age. We did it at a resort recently and my older one was fine, but I wouldn’t do it regularly. And changing sheets is a huge pain.
AIMS says
Thanks!
Spirograph says
I am 100% pro-room sharing. My 3 and 5 year old share a room (a large room, that is also their playroom), and as soon as the youngest graduates from his crib, he will join them too. We have a 3 bedroom house, and will reclaim the extra bedroom as a home office for me / guest room. My kids like being together, and although they may go to sleep a little later than they would if they were isolated and bored, I think the closeness they develop from conspiring together for a half hour after the lights are out is worth it. The layout of our house is such that the kids’ room concept effectively keeps all toys off my main floor, which is GREAT.
Also, as my husband says, “the adults pay the mortgage, it’s only fair that we get first dibs on the space.”
bedtime buddy says
My son went from crib to my daughter’s bed around age 2. (They both thought it would be “fun” for a night so we decided to give it a shot.) They both loved it and still sleep in the same bed (she’s 8.5, he’ll be 6 y.o next month.) I love only having one set of sheets to wash. He has his own room and they do some playing in their own rooms, but like having a buddy at bedtime.
I’m sure at some point one or the other will want to be separate, and that’s fine. I figure every night they spend together is a bonus. Once in a while if they’re really chatty at night, we threaten to separate them and then they quiet right down.
It also makes it way easier when we travel to know that they can share a bed in a hotel room and sleep just fine.
AwayEmily says
that is ADORABLE.
Meg Murry says
My 2 boys share a bedroom, and have since they were about 7 and 3, because only 2 of our 4 bedrooms have air conditioning (and only 3 of the 4 have heat – the 4th is more of a storage room than bedroom). The bedroom has only their beds, nightstands and a bookshelf in it – their dressers and clothes are in the 3rd bedroom, and toys are mostly downstairs in the family/play room. Its nice for us because:
-laundry lives in one room, and we can just shove the baskets of clean clothes in there and shut the door during crazy weeks, and the bins of out of season clothes are just in the closet or corner so it’s easier to swap them out.
-when they get riled up and don’t want to go to bed, there is only so much “stuff” in the room that they can play with or make a mess with, so it’s easier to keep clean.
-most of the time they like sharing a room, and that means they don’t come into our room as often in the night since they have each other (although the little one cries when the big one is away that he doesn’t want to sleep all by himself since he’ll be ‘alone-ly’).
I am looking to put a spare bed or futon in the “dressing room” (as they call it), because it would be good to have an additional bed for nights when they are so riled up I have to separate them, or when someone is sick or otherwise distracting to the other getting a good night’s sleep.
I’d say just paint their “new” shared bedroom something neutral, and either let them keep their current bedding or let them each pick out something of their own, and don’t go crazy worrying about how to decorate the bedrooms until you see whether room sharing is going to stick or if you’ll wind up separating them.
anon says
Same here. Kate Spade is the first designer that really spoke to me in any way whatsoever. Maybe the only one, TBH. I came from a blue-collar background and my first few years in the professional world was a mindf*ck. I didn’t know who I was and felt completely alone in learning the norms of professional dress and appearance. I didn’t have many role models for that kind of thing. Kate Spade felt aspirational, like it was totally possible to look polished and professional, but in a really fun, spirited way. Nothing else was like that. Other brands felt too mature, or too posh … just too unlike me. I haven’t bought a Kate bag in years, but I still love the aesthetic.
Anonymous says
PSA that IME these pants do not work well if you are pear shaped/have large hips & thighs.
anon says
Even in the photo, they look dumpy and shapeless.
anne-on says
+1. I carry extra weight in my legs and these were a train wreck on me. Plus the waistband/fabric didn’t quite work with a tucked in shirt.
NewMomAnon says
It might be asking too much for any elastic waistband to work with a tucked in shirt, sadly.
Anonymous says
They also are a bit too big if you wear a 0 or 00 in other stores. Which is too bad, because the length is very petite friendly and the quality and cut seem great for the price.
Redux says
I am in the market for a … purse, I guess? I have always carried a Timbuktu messenger bag. I carry a lot of junk, plus I think it makes me look sporty and cool (I am neither of those things!). But, I discovered that the way the bag rubs against my hip/butt is causing a tremendous amount of pilling on my ponte work pants. It’s very noticeable, and I am sadly going to have get new pants (they are cheapish from Gap, but I am still really sad that they only lasted 6 months). But, this I suppose is a good point to trade in my sporty and cool bag for a more work appropriate bag. I would love to pare down and carry something small (or even just a wallet!).
So tell me: What are the essentials that you carry in your bag?
I carry: notepad, pen, phone, wallet, allergy and pain meds, tissue, lipsticks, bandaids, tampons, and a small umbrella. Yikes, right?
Lana Del Raygun says
Your list seems pretty short to me, but I was known in college for taking an entire damn first-aid kit to bars, in case anyone cut their hand on a broken bottle and needed my help. The only thing I’d probably get rid of here is the umbrella, unless you live somewhere really rainy (although a poncho is smaller and lighter, and keeps you drier as well).
I think a better way to cut down on your stuff is to have smaller versions of everything. Tiny notebook, slim wallet (you will survive without 80 rewards cards if you give them your phone #), little travel-size tubes for meds, etc. As a purse stash you only need, like, 5 bandaids and 2 tampons, which take up basically no room.
Anonymous says
Video baby monitor recs?
ifiknew says
Look at the Wyze baby cam ($20) and the infant optics. We have both and love both.
anon says
You can also do the bag-in-a-bag option. I have a small bag for my small wallet, cell phone, keys, tissues and a lipstick. I leave a larger bag with all of my other stuff in the car under a seat unless I need something from it or will be away from my car for long periods. (There’s nothing of real value in the big bag, but I do keep it out of sight.) The small bag fits easily inside the big bag when needed.
NewMomAnon says
I find that any bag that hangs off my shoulder pills my pants and sometimes my shirts. I’ve had better luck with small-ish totes that don’t swing so much – I carry them over my shoulder, and held in place in my armpit. Personally, I like ones that have a zipper closure (so people can’t see into my bag) and feet to keep the bottom of the ground.
I’d recommend one, but honestly? I usually go to Marshalls/TJ Maxx and see what I like. They usually have something that will work.
Anonymous says
I don’t carry most of this stuff in my work bag because I leave it all in my desk. I carry my wallet and my phone and on rainy days, a small packable umbrella (that I carry separately). I have lip balm and a little cash, and Advil.
Em says
I will link the bag I use in a reply. I LOVE it. You can use it as a backpack or a shoulder bag and it holds an insane amount of stuff, despite being very compact. Mine currently holds a full wallet, sunglass case, small makeup bag, a few pens, check book, tampon, small travel lotion, a nail file, travel face sunscreen, travel sized Advil and Excedrine migraine, my car keys, my work badge, my office keys, a hand warmer (probably could take this out now that it’s Summer), tissues, some folded paperwork, two diapers, a small thing of baby wipes, and hand sanitizer. I also carry my phone in the side pocket, and can fit a bottle of water or travel umbrella in the other side pocket if I need it. It zips closed, and there are lots of internal zipper compartments and pouches.
anon in ny says
We’re trying to decide between two nannies – one we like slightly better but according to one reference, and some light google stalking, has a truly, truly horrible husband that has caused some drama and tears for her in the past. The reference that brought it up said she was great though, and was always on time and showed up. The other option we also like but wasn’t as engaging or talkative to our baby when she came for the trial. Is it worth the trade off for a more engaged nanny with the potential for personal life drama?
Anonymous says
Can you keep looking?
anon in ny says
We could but we’re up against a time constraint and I’m getting really, really stressed out about not having this set up already!
Anonymous says
I would be concerned about reliability, as well as the potential for the husband to show up while the nanny is working.
Anonymous says
How old is your baby? What did the references say about the less engaging nanny? In my experience a lot of care providers are more engaging/warm when alone vs when “on” in front of the parents.
I would consider it a major red flag that a reference brought up the husband unsolicited. So there’s either neutral-to-you drama that you’ll have to hear about (dealbreaker for me), is it escalates and becomes an issue for you.
Anonymous says
Our baby is five months old. The nanny with the potential for drama can’t start for about six weeks so we would be filling in with my parents + an interim nanny.
Anonymous says
On the one hand it seems unfair to not hire someone because their spouse is bad…on the other hand, it’s your kid and there are many nanny candidates in the sea. It would make me too nervous. I’d either keep looking or hire the one you feel good but not great about.
NewMomAnon says
I am torn on this too. As someone who has had a bad spouse situation though – it was incredibly distracting from work. I missed work several times because of his demands/drama, and generally had a much higher stress level that reduced the amount of work stress I could tolerate. I empathize with her but also would steer clear.
Anonymous says
I’m empathetic too but this also strikes me as a potential judgment issue.
NewMomAnon says
Oof, that kinda hurts. I don’t know that I would take it as far as to question a person’s judgment, but family drama definitely impacts work performance, and long-term, known family drama would be a deterrent to me hiring someone.
anne-on says
I’d skip the one with the sketchy husband – why would you want the possibility of your child being exposed to this person if he shows up at your home?
Also – nothing in child care is written in stone. You are allowed to change your mind, to go from nanny to daycare to au pair to back again. I swapped daycare centers 3 times and each served their purpose for a given time. It will all work out!
Anon says
A very similar q was asked a year or two ago and the consensus was don’t hire her, because there’s too great a risk that the ex will show up to kill her and also kill your kid. Morbid, but it’s a very real consideration.
Anonymous says
This is exactly the dark place my mind went to. A really lovely teacher at our daycare had some domestic issues, that heated up to the point that the family member apparently pulled a gun on her. I was heartbroken for her going through that, but I was also relieved when she resigned from the daycare.
I would keep looking. Your parents + college kids on summer break who can interim nanny are a good stop-gap. Find someone you like without any red flags.
Anon says
When is it safe to bring your baby into bed with you while you sleep? I’m trying to g o o glee this but I can only find stuff about how to co-sleep safely with one of those bassinets that attaches to the bed. That’s all well and good but I’m wondering when my baby and I can safely take naps cuddled up together.
Anonymous says
There really isn’t a safe age.
Anonymous says
Of course there’s a safe age, it just might not be an age at which your kid still wants to cuddle. Personally I was comfortable with it from the age of about 18 morning months. I can’t imagine an older toddler or preschooler being suffocated by a normal-size adult unless the adult had some reason they wouldn’t be able to wake easily (sleep meds, drug or alcohol use etc.)
Anonymous says
I don’t know how “morning” got in there lol. Weird autocorrect.
anonforthis says
I know common knowledge is that there isn’t a safe age, but after 4-6 months when they are mobile and bigger, its hard to imagine it being as much of an issue.
Marilla says
Your comfort level may vary, but I co-slept with my infant up until around 6 months. I kicked my husband out of bed (we had an extra twin bed in our room for him to sleep in during this phase), had no heavy blankets (sheets/light blanket up to waist level below baby + slept in layered clothes because I run cold). I don’t smoke or drink and exclusively BFed. It worked well for us since she wouldn’t sleep any other way and I felt it was safer to intentionally co-sleep than accidentally fall asleep holding her in the sofa or recliner. I was very tuned in to her movements and she slept on her back.
Spirograph says
I coslept with the same “rules” with my kids, although I didn’t kick my husband out of bed. The baby typically slept in the crook of my arm, or propped on my upper arm/shoulder.
This is definitely a personal comfort thing. There are millions of people all over the world who cosleep with their babies from birth, it’s not that cosleeping with infant = tragic suffocation, it just (slightly) increases the risk of this rare event. Cosleeping DEFINITELY had tangible benefits in terms of the increased hours of sleep everyone got, so for me, it was a slight risk worth taking.
GGFM says
The physician’s assistant at my ped office thought it was fine with even a small infant provided I wasn’t intoxicated and there was a max of one pillow for myself (baby would sleep lower – closer to belly, chest, so not coming into contact with the pillow). I think we had this discussion when LO was very young – maybe just a few weeks old.
The other thing to note is that when the topic came up with my coworkers I was actually surprised by how many people bedshared – on the bed, not the halo bassinets or what have you – with their newborns for nursing ease. Especially given that it’s kind of a taboo thing to admit to.
None of this is to dismiss peoples’ concerns or to say that there is zero risk – just relaying a few experiences in case they are helpful.
AIMS says
With my oldest, I once fell asleep on a particularly rough night holding her in my arms sitting on the edge of the bed. I was terrified when I woke up and realize how easily we could have fallen over.
After that I decided that bed sharing is safer if you take precautions. With my youngest, I bed shared when he was very tiny. Huge bed to myself, one pillow, one thin small blanket, he couldn’t roll over and I tried to sleep far apart so he was in no danger of suffocation; it was great for those first few weeks when I was just beyond exhausted because it helped us both sleep better. He’s a few months older now and I don’t have the bed to myself anymore and he wakes up less often now so he’s back to his little crib in our room but I can’t wait for him to be a bit older so that I can safely bed share again (right now that’s hard to do because we have a fitful older kid that likes to sleep with us once in a while and baby is too little for her shenanigans.
Anon says
As someone who swore up and down she’d never be a cosleeper and how could people do that, we started co-sleeping for part of the night around 6 months when I could no longer swaddle or merlin magic suit her (because that’s when sleep went to crap) (she was in the halo next to the bed for the first 3 months). While she always starts the night in her crib, if I can’t get her back down in under 30 minutes into the crib, or if she wakes up after 5am, into our bed she goes. She sleeps on her back, head on my shoulder next to me, and I kind of curl around her and make sure the blanket is waist level for me (and we share a pillow to prop us both up a bit). I don’t remember the last time she spent the entire night in the crib, and she’s 10 months now. Our pediatrician is totally fine with it. There was a really interesting article on npr the other day about how for low-risk SIDs babies, co-sleeping is actually pretty negligible. That being said, I don’t think I would have been comfortable co-sleeping when she was smaller.
lala says
We bed shared from about 4 week – 9 months at varying degrees. We always adhered to the guidelines for safe bed sharing: no heavy blankets, no drinking/medication, only one blanket, and they were EBF and slept next to me with the arms reach cosleeper next to the bed to act as a buffer just in case they rolled away. Once they are mobile, we moved the mattress to the floor. However, we also used the Owlet baby monitor when they slept. This gave me a level of comfort that if something were to happen, the Owlet would alert us.
Marilla says
(FWIW, currently pregnant and planning to do the same with baby #2 unless baby is a magic sleeper.)
Pretty Primadonna says
Off-topic. Someone talk to me about leaning out after having a baby, but before you had gotten to where you wanted. I am torn because I have little ambition to take on a more demanding job now that DD is in my life. But, I aspire to obtain the salary that would come with a more demanding job.
Is anyone facing this? How can I accept the fact that “leaning out” is what is best for me right now?
NewMomAnon says
How old is your kiddo? I found myself in that position until kiddo was about 4; I wasn’t sleeping enough, she was little and needed a lot of attention, we were sick all the time, work was a struggle. Now that she’s older, I’m finding myself cursing the lean out and having to job hunt so I can lean back in because my employer now thinks I’ve permanently leaned out and won’t make a path for me to come back.
Which is just to say – if you’re in the trenches with a baby or toddler, I totally understand. Realize that it may be a permanent change in your career ambition, or it may be temporary. And also, that if you lean out now and want to come back later, it might be hard but probably won’t be impossible.
Pretty Primadonna says
Thank you for your reply. She’s 2 and, like your little, needs lots of attention and I like giving it to her. It is some solace knowing that perhaps this is a temporary feeling. Either way, it is hard passing up opportunities that seem like once in a lifetime chances that could be right in the future but aren’t right now. I keep telling myself what’s for me is for me. I surely hope I don’t come to regret this lean out period.
BigLaw Sr Assoc says
Yeah, leaning out may not be the right thing for you now. The fact you are having to convince yourself it is is something.
I decided to not “lean out” when my twins were born so I could continue on my career path, and don’t regret that for a minute. This will let me get more desirable, relaxing relaxed positions later, if I choose to do so.
anon says
I’d start by asking yourself why you aspire to a certain salary. Is is so you can feel like you’ve achieved a certain level of success? Because you need it for your family’s well-being? Is it the lifestyle that you’re after?
Try to tease out what role work plays in your life, and how you envision that evolving over time. Careers are long, and there’s almost always time to lean in, if that’s what you want to do.
Also, if your gut is telling you that this isn’t the time for you to lean in, LISTEN TO IT. The quality of your daily life matters.
anon says
Anecdotally, I will tell you that I ended up leaning in at a time when I’d vowed not to. I have very mixed feelings about the change, and I absolutely underestimated how much energy it would take to adjust to a new role. I’ve been at it a year and it’s slowly getting better, but I really wasn’t enjoying myself until maybe a month or two ago.
Pretty Primadonna says
Mostly, it is achieving and maintaining a certain lifestyle. And, if I am completely honest, it is about achieving a certain level of monetary success as well.
I am definitely not someone who lives to work, and I don’t define myself by what I do. In fact, if I could make more money working less (and I work 40 hours a week in a pretty flexible job), I would be all in.
Anonymous says
“In fact, if I could make more money working less…I would be all in.”
I mean, that is the dream, right?
Coach Laura says
I think you can lean out with intention. There are probably things you can do now while leaning out to keep your ambitions viable for the future. For example, networking and having some exposure to senior leaders, attending training seminars and reading journals/white papers/blogs. The other thing is not to do sloppy work but to work out with your boss and team what you’ll be contributing so that your contribution is seen as valuable and you’re not getting a slacker reputation.
Set a target (you can always change it) for 3 or 5 years and be proactive with your explanations with your boss – like “Now that the kid is/kids are older, I have been able to do x, y and z with more determination and seriousness. I am looking to increase my value to the company/department/firm and would like the opportunity to do ABC.” There may be some instances where, like NewMomAnon, you’ll need to change jobs/companies because you may be viewed in way that makes that kind of change impossible.