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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Cb says
Coming out of the PhD fog and trying to figure out what’s left to do pre-baby.
What do I actually need for nursing / a maternity leave capsule wardrobe? I’m off for five months and realising that I have no idea what I should be wearing.
I wear dresses and the occasional skirt and I don’t own a pair of jeans. I don’t want to be wearing yoga pants all day but I’m guessing dresses are not incredibly practical? Do I order things pre-baby or just count on leggings/nursing tanks/cardigans to get me through the first few weeks? Maybe some casual knit skirts?
Also, do I get a breast pump beforehand or do I wait to see how nursing is going? They aren’t covered on the NHS so it’s a pretty big expense.
Anonanonanon says
Honestly I wore my maternity clothes/yoga pants the first couple of weeks after, it takes a bit for your uterus to reduce in size. After that, you can easily order stuff etc. if you want. I remember maxi dresses being great, I gave birth in summer and they were breezy, forgiving in the tummy, comfortable, and made me feel more “put together” than yoga pants, but I didn’t have to think much to put them on.
I had my last one pre “obamacare” so a pump wasn’t covered in my situation. I waited a few weeks then, when I decided I needed one, I was able to rent one from the hospital at a much cheaper rate than it would’ve been to buy. Is that an option there?
Cb says
That makes sense! I never actually bought maternity clothes (I have a pair of shorts, a tshirt, and two dresses) so gym clothes should suffice for the first few weeks. Someone mentioned a few weeks back that normal leggings might be uncomfortable so I bought a few pairs of soft knit pants in a size up.
A rental is something to explore. I’m going back to work quite a bit earlier than is normal here (most people take the full year) so I haven’t found loads of information around it (and there doesn’t seem to be a lactation room on campus).
SC says
FWIW, the portable pumps like the Pump-in-Style can’t be rented because they are an “open” system, so the milk or milk residue is shared between users. If nursing goes well enough that you’re pumping at work, you’ll want a portable pump like the PIS.
The hospital-grade pumps, which can be rented because they’re a “closed” system, are larger and weigh about 5 lbs. A few days after Baby was born, we took the hospital-grade pump to visit my MIL (who couldn’t come to us because she was recovering from surgery), and it was a huge PITA to take everything apart and set it all back up.
Cornellian says
I LOVE my Medela harmony hand pump. I don’t know about in the UK but I found it for $20 online.
If you are working full-time and still pumping, you’ll want a double electric pump. But that is more of a problem for 4.5 months from now. The hand pump will be great in the interim because:
-if you need to pump to stimulate supply, you can do it while baby is nursing on the second side
-if you’re travelling, you can pump in the car , throw a nipple on the bottle, and feed it to the baby without removing him/her from the car seat
-if you’re away for a weekend or want an evening out, it’s small enough to do a five minute pump and dump so your b-s don’t explode all over everything
There are other manual pumps that aren’t as well reviewed. I liked the medela one because my electric pump and bottles are all medela, so the parts all work together.
Cornellian says
Also, I would be comfortable using a used hand pump. You can boil the whole thing, there is no tubing or compressor, etc.
NewMomAnon says
I really liked knit skirts and nursing tanks with a cardigan, so that might be a good option. I had some luck nursing in knit sundresses where I could pull down the neckline or shift a strap off my shoulder.
Honestly – I would plan on yoga pants/knit skirts/nursing tanks/cardigans for the first few weeks and wait to build your capsule wardrobe. You don’t know what size you’ll settle into (chest, hips, ribcage, tummy), whether you’ll be nursing, whether baby will be a great sleeper who can tag along on outings or a miserable, colicky mess who keeps you shut up in the house a lot of the time.
Cb says
That sounds like sound advice. I have a knit skirt that fits fine now so if I did need to look presentable, I should be able to pull that on. We’re very lucky here – the nurses visit you at home for weighing and check-ups so you don’t need to go out for the first few weeks if you didn’t want to.
rakma says
Some of my favorite nursing outfits are deep v-neck dresses, very easy to nurse and still feel dressed. Knit skirts with nursing tanks would also be a good thing if you’re used to wearing dresses all the time. I lived in maternity leggings in the first two weeks postpartum, because I was more comfortable sleeping in them, and I liked to be dressed to nap at all times in case I could actually sleep when the baby was sleeping.
Consider getting a manual pump, they’re cheaper and if you need one for engorgement issues, it’s much easier to use the manual pump than hand expressing in my experience.
SC says
For the first couple of weeks, I just wore loungewear–maternity yoga pants and nursing tanks, pajamas, bathrobes. It does take a while for your uterus to reduce in size. Also, with Baby waking up every 2 hours, there’s really not that much difference between night and day or between “sleeping” and “napping.” After a few weeks, I am pretty sure I wore cotton summer dresses when I left the house–it was summer, and I live in the SEUS, and I probably didn’t own any pants that fit.
If you need a pump immediately, you’re better off renting a hospital-grade pump because those work better to increase supply. I rented the Symphony from my hospital for $75, and they sent me home with it. But I also could have rented it from Babies R Us and the local yuppy baby store for the same price.
The regular pumps (PIS, etc) aren’t great at the beginning because they don’t help increase supply the way nursing does (and the hospital-grade pumps do), so you might as well see how things are going after a few weeks.
Pump! says
This response is only for the second part of your question… I have no intention of pumping with my 2nd child, due in September. The only reason I’ve been hanging on to my pump is for the “just in case” scenario, but I really can’t imagine using it under any circumstance. I’ve also been struggling with what to do with it since it is a valuable piece of equipment and re-selling doesn’t feel right.
Anyway, it’s a Medela Pump-in-Style, purchased 2 years ago. You’d want to buy your own parts but I never had an issue with the machine itself and I have extra power cords – 1 for work and 1 for home. If you want it or want to wait and see if you need one, I’d be happy to pass it on. Just let me know and we can figure out a proper way to communicate!
Cb says
Ahh, that’s lovely but I’m in the UK :)
anon says
I was glad to have a pump on hand when my son was in the NICU for a week post birth. Not to be a downer, but that is one just in case scenario where a pump is needed. But I also live somewhere I could have gone out and gotten one quickly and easily.
anon says
Now i regret posting the above – I pray you will not have this experience, and I should also note that my son is 100% fine. I have a weird belief in Murphy’s Law, so I would keep the pump to forestall disaster. But the take home here is please ignore me and proceed with your healthy pregnancies and healthy babies!
GCA says
I remember wearing a lot of yoga pants/ gym shorts/ maxi skirts with nursing or regular tanks (I’d just pull them up to feed baby).
I initially bought some nursing bras and tanks, but then discovered that I was much more comfortable just pulling my shirt up to nurse (something about less exposed shoulder/ decolletage, more exposed belly), so the entire 20 months I was nursing, I wore dresses only a few times. Something to consider!
FTMinFL says
If nothing else, I’d purchase a hand pump prior to delivery – they are usually pretty cheap ($20 IIRC) and nice to have in a pinch if baby won’t latch onto an engorged b***st.
October says
+1 Definitely have at least a hand pump. My little one wouldn’t latch (for 11 weeks….) and I was so glad to have my pump already at home on day 1. Some electric pumps are not *that* expensive (at least in the US); I had a Lansinoh that was excellent and only about $129. For peace of mind you may want to go ahead and get the full pump, and just hang onto the receipt if bfing doesn’t work out.
Kim says
I had a small single electric that was way less than $129 (in the US). Definitely less than $100. I too was glad to have that on hand – you never know when you’ll need it in a pinch (medical complication. traffic. let-down can happen anytime when you’re out without baby, even for a short run to the store), and it’s so small you can always throw it in your bag. Better to have something than hand express (sooooooo hard).
EB0220 says
Yep, don’t be like me and try to sterilize the electric pump parts in the middle of the night, not read the instructions correctly and melt the tubing! I was SUPER engorged at first and needed to pump a little off before my first would latch…now I tell all expectant moms to have a manual pump on hand.
Anon4This says
Does anyone have experience with pre-due date induction, elective or not?
Logistics around the due date for baby #2 are becoming a nightmare between childcare plans falling apart, DH’s work/travel schedule, and my company switching health insurance providers. I know I will be much more relaxed and able to bond with new baby, establish breastfeeding, etc. if my son is with my mom, DH is with me, and I’m not fielding payment questions constantly. I have no issues with the prospect of pitocin/epidural (had both with my first delivery), but I still feel… guilty?… trying to arrange #2’s arrival so that it is convenient for the rest of the family. Thoughts?
bluefield says
Sounds awesome to me. No one was ever, like, Man I really miss those last few days of pregnancy. And you get to schedule things instead of tapping your toes waiting for things to happen. If someone offered to induce me at 39 (or 38!) weeks, I’d jump at it. And you may as well get #2 used to doing things on everyone else’s schedule :)
Spirograph says
Not sure if you’ve already talked to your doctor about this idea, but something to think about: due dates aren’t perfect and if yours is off on the early side, you may end up inadvertently inducing before “full term,” which is now defined as 39 weeks.
That said, don’t feel guilty for trying to give yourself the best chance for a good start with baby #2! I know someone who planned a c-section for a few days before Christmas even though due date was Dec 26, because doctor was going on vacation plus all family logistics craziness around the holiday. This is really no different, to me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this stress at the end of your pregnancy, and kind of horrified that your husband’s work is not more forgiving of him refusing travel around his wife’s due date.
Anon4This says
Thanks for the point about pregnancy dating – I’m planning to discuss the issue with my OB this afternoon and will make sure we hit this point. I am certain of ovulation date and several ultrasounds have measured baby right on track with that date.
We are working all angles in case the doctor doesn’t think induction is a good idea, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that DH can get someone to take the trip off his plate! Thanks for the encouragement. I want to just chill out and enjoy these last few weeks with DH and my son, but the planner in me is struggling!
CHJ says
One of my friends did this with her second child because she didn’t want him to be born on Christmas/Christmas Eve. She was induced around 39 weeks (Dec. 19). She was totally happy with the decision.
Anon says
+1. My mother did this with my youngest sister (3rd c-section and a now December 18 baby). No regrets.
JEB says
I was induced because my fluid was low, so it was not elective (but let’s be honest, I wasn’t complaining…). It was the day before my due date. It took a long, long time because my body wasn’t ready. My doctor told me I could take as long as I needed, as long as the baby and I weren’t in distress. Apparently some doctors/hospitals will require a C-section if you’ve gone longer than 24 hours. So I’d just add that to your list of questions for your appointment this afternoon.
My sister scheduled an induction for her first, purely for convenience reasons. It was scheduled three days before her due date. She has no regrets.
Congrats!
LaLa says
I had a somewhat elective induction at 39 weeks with my second. My first was induced at 42 weeks and while his birth wasn’t perfect, my body responded well to the induction. So I went into the second knowing that and it gave me comfort. I didn’t have a legitimate medical reason according to our hospital (#2 was breech and we were doing an ECV and I wasn’t comfortable with leaving the hospital after the ECV so requested an immediate induction after). My midwife was on board with the plan but the hospital required them to do a “bishops test” to check for how “ready” my body was for labor prior to allowing the schedulded induction before 40 weeks.
My inductions went really well (8 hours from start of induction until he came and no epidural needed) and he was 8lbs 1oz, so had no pre-term issues at all.
So make sure you talk to your OB, and that s/he knows the hospital policies around inductions. (my midwives were surprised by ours).
Katarina says
My second was induced at 39 weeks 1 day, because of suspected large size. He was 8 lb 7 ounces, so on the big side. I did have an epidural, but overall I did not find my induction more painful than my first labor. My labor progressed fairly similarly to my first labor, although it was shorter (and pushing was much shorter). My first labor was 12 hours from water breaking, and my second was 8 hours from starting pitocin. It was really nice for labor to only occur during the day, and to have the baby delivered by my OB. It was also nice to finish up work at a planned time. He did have some mild jaundice, but nothing that couldn’t be solved by nursing frequently and putting him in front of a sunny window.
anon says
I wouldn’t feel guilty. I was induced with my older two and then decided to go into labor with my third, and it was super stressful from a “who’s going to be with the kids” POV. They offered to induce any time after 39 weeks, and I wish I had taken them up on the offer. I think any earlier might be a push.
Anon4This says
Thanks, everyone, for your stories, encouragement, and considerations! I discussed with my OB and she agreed that with my favorable medical history/past birth experience, progressing cervix, and well-dated pregnancy that I should be a good candidate for induction no earlier than 39 weeks. She put in a request to get me on the schedule and we will monitor things over the next few weeks. She also said she would confirm hospital policies as LaLa suggested – thank you for that tip!
It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders!
NewMomAnon says
Well, piggybacking off the earlier conversations about social class…my mother has gotten quite demanding that I hire a sitter and do “adult things” on weeknights (theater, fancy dinners, spa nights, wine tastings, gala fundraisers, etc). I finally had some words with her because it felt very unsupportive, and her response was that she sees my lifestyle as “low class” and she is pushing me to “pick myself up.” Still kind of reeling today.
Anonanonanon says
Jeez, I’m sorry. Mothers can be like that. I ended up in a horrible marriage when I got unexpectedly pregnant, because my mother told me “it’s better to end up a divorced mother than a never-married mother”. I regret listening (I’m now divorced, though).
GCA says
Ugh, I’m sorry. Why is your mother insecure about YOUR lifestyle?
Cb says
Gosh, wow! That’s not nice of her. What do you think brought that on?
NewMomAnon says
Well, she’s a bit of a narcissist, so I think she’s feeling neglected and trying to get a rise out of me. Work gave me some performance ultimatums recently, daycare was unexpectedly closed, and between upping my hours and covering childcare, I haven’t had a lot of capacity to tend to her lately.
Which leads me to a question – how much do women with small children “tend to” their parents? It feels logical to me that I’m in the hardest years of my career and child-rearing, and that it should be expected for me to lean out of non-urgent family commitments a bit. But my mom keeps throwing it back at me that leaning out is a sign that I’m depressed, that I’m “low-class,” or that I’m having financial difficulties (which I’m not). Clearly if there was a health crisis or some other emergency (or even just a sad parent who needed some cheering up), I would make time for it.
Sarabeth says
I think the answer is that people with reasonable parents are not expected to do this. I am close with my parents and they visit us frequently (which is great, they are so helpful when they are here!) but otherwise we talk on the phone for an hour once a week and that is it. Would love to have time for more, but the reality is that I don’t, and my parents understand that. And when they are in town, they understand that they need to fit into the flow of our life-with-kids. So early dinners, afternoon walks to the park, etc. Because they are nice people who love me and my husband and our kids, they are very happy to hang out with us in the time and format that is possible. When they are at home, they have season tickets to the opera, the symphony, and the ballet, so they enjoy all of that stuff too (and so do I, even though it’s hard to fit into my life right now). But they would never ever give me a hard time for not being able to do those things with them during this season of my life.
avocado says
This. My mother does not expect my husband and me to “tend to” her. When our daughter was young she would help us out as much as she could, in ways that were actually helpful but also fit into her own schedule. We enjoy spending time with her and being able to do nice things for her once in a while, but neither we nor she believe that we are responsible for her happiness. She is an adult with her own life.
Anonanonanon says
This, this, a thousand times this.
H says
Um no. I actually feel no obligation to “tend to” my parents, even before I had a child. I set that boundary very early in my adult life by moving across the country. I’m now back in my home city and definitely see them more, but I don’t feel obligated. I have my own life and my parents lives shouldn’t revolve around me anymore.
What I get annoyed about is that my mom won’t plan anything and then gets upset that she doesn’t see me. Well, pick a place for an easy lunch and I’ll go if I can! (with the child of course.) I even wouldn’t necessarily mind if she invited herself over for dinner as long as I had notice.
I don’t get the connection your mother is making between you taking care of your career and child and being low-class.
CHJ says
That sounds like something Emily Gilmore would suggest! No thank you, unsolicited grandma advice.
SC says
Wow. That’s all kinds of insanity.
Spirograph says
Did you do those things pre-kids? Because I sure didn’t. Well, I guess I sporadically went to the theater, but I still do. The only wine tasting I did is vineyard visits with my girlfriends on weekends. And actually, we brought our kids to one recently; many vineyards are surprisingly kid-friendly — tons of space for the kids to run around outside!
I wonder if your mom is just trying to encourage you to have your own hobbies for your mental health, but going about it all the wrong way? It’s really awful phrasing the way she said it, but I know I have to be reminded to make time for myself… I wouldn’t appreciate having activities prescribed for me.
NewMomAnon says
I did them more than I do now, certainly. I probably did one or two “extravagant” things a month, pre-child, and had a daily exercise routine and frequent contact with friends. Now I see friends a couple times a month, try to get in some exercise 3-4 times a week, and limit my “extravagant” things to times I am child-free (weekends kiddo spends with her dad, or lunch activities during weekdays, or the odd happy hour on nights kiddo’s dad feeds her dinner). I actually think I’m doing a decent job of balancing personal time with work and child rearing, which makes this all even weirder.
Marilla says
It sounds like you’re already doing a lot! One thing that has helped me deal with my dad (a very difficult + needy person) is to reframe his actions/requests/comments as about him, not about me. I’m learning to set/state my boundaries and not engage in any discussion or argument and it’s helping a lot.
Anonymous says
It’s weird because the problem is not with you. It’s with her. Every couple months, when kid is with Dad, maybe make an effort to do a special thing with your mom. Other than that? JSFAMO
Anon in NYC says
You sound amazing and like you’re doing better than me. FWIW, I tend to my parents very little. I’m sure they wish I would do more, but I can only do so much while also preserving my happiness and sanity.
It sounds like your mom really struggles to sympathize or empathize with you, and is holding you to a standard that is impossible to meet (or, at least, impossible to meet if you’re not really wealthy and can buy all of the support you need). Also, it seems like she doesn’t understand the specific challenges that come with being a single parent, even with a good co-parent. That’s hard. I’m sorry.
Anon in NYC says
Wow. I’m really sorry.
anon says
Vent alert – I am due with our second in a couple of months and this time around we told my out of state MIL that we would call her when labor started and she would fly out when convenient (she’s used to same-day flights). Instead, she came up with her own plan. She is going to fly out here 3 weeks before my due date and “hang out with friends in the area.” She has not revealed when she will go back. She will have her own housing and a car. So, technically she is minding our wishes, but my senses are heightened because she isn’t always forthcoming with her plans and has a history of not respecting boundaries. She was also the biggest source of stress for my last pregnancy, so I have some history.
NewMomAnon says
I would let her have her plan, and pay her no attention until your actual due date, at which point you go forward with your plan. If she wants to spend 3 weeks with friends getting to know the area, that’s fine. If she starts trying to barge into your life during those 3 weeks, you can let her know that you weren’t planning on her coming yet and aren’t available.
Sarabeth says
Is your husband up for telling her that it is important to your family to have private time during the last weeks of your pregnancy, so if she’s in the area you won’t be able to see her at all? Because you are right that you can’t choose when she flies out, but you can absolutely choose when and whether you see her.
I would also not tell her that you are in labor until it’s all over and you are ready for her to visit, unless you are OK with her being in the room (or trying to come in the room, while you spend time and energy keeping her out).
avocado says
+1 to the last paragraph. We told no one that I was in labor except the doula, the doctor, and a dear old friend who lived out of state and happened to call me up when things were getting started. It was so relaxing not to have to worry about what our families were thinking or to provide them with updates. We just called with the news once baby had arrived.
Anonymous says
This. I’m fascinated by the idea that people call a bunch of people when labor starts. Definitely wait until after baby arrives to notify her. Also recommend waiting until after visiting hours are over for the day at the hospital.
If she comes to your house unannounced, it’s perfectly acceptable to not answer the door or to lock yourself in the master and avoid her because the baby needs to nurse/nap etc.
lsw says
Any tips for surviving my son’s first birthday party while actually having fun and enjoying it? I’m trying to let go of my need to control and realize that his napping/awakeness/pleasantness during the party is largely out of my hands (tried to plan around it, you know how that goes) as is the weather. I tried to keep things simple and not-Pinteresty for both my sanity and our bank accounts, but I still am a control freak who has asked my husband about five times what time he is picking up the kebabs. We are grilling at a park shelter (rented from the city, so we know we have it), and I’m planning to confirm that the two grandpas can help keep the grill stuff moving so that people have food. We are picking up all the other sides and drinks at Costco. My MIL is getting the cake – I have no idea what it looks like, because my stepdaughter wanted it to be a surprise, which is actually totally fine with me. My MIL has great taste and I’m sure it will be awesome.
I just want to actually enjoy it and not stress, maybe even remember to take a few pictures, and watch my kid be a maniac which he just is right now.
(After writing this, I am tempted to make myself anonymous because I’m embarrassed about how ridiculous this post is – but I will try to own it.)
bluefield says
Piggybacking off NewMomAnon’s piggyback: over the holiday, my MIL (who was being weirdly aggressive toward me) told me that the reason more moms worked today than did when she was a young mom is because women today are more materialistic and want more things and nicer things.
I decided the correct emotional response was to feel pity that her worldview was so small and that she had somehow missed the entire feminist movement.
Cb says
That’s a good perspective to take – my MIL refers to me ‘having to go back to work…’ Erm, I worked really hard and love what I do, I’m sure I’ll miss my kid but I don’t see it as a punishment.
We had a financial advisor (late 40s, male, no kids) remind us that I might change my mind on working once the baby was here. Dude, you have our budget and goals in front of you, even if I didn’t want to work, those numbers don’t add up.
ElisaR says
ugh that’s why so many women hate working with male financial advisors…..(disclosure i’m an FA)
CPA Lady says
One of my life dreams was to start a by-women for-women financial advisory service. Not likely to happen, but I can dream.
Em says
When we went to visit my husband’s grandparents right after my son was born, his grandmother commented that it was the mother’s job to care for the children and the dad’s job to provide for the family. I worked before I had my son, and everyone was aware that I (1) made significantly more money than my husband and (2) was definitely going back to work. His grandmother is traditional to a (racist and sexist) fault so I just smiled and gritted my teeth.
Anon says
My MIL is constantly questioning my husband’s decision to quit his practice and stay home with the baby (due August) at the end of the year once my leave is up. She expected me to weigh in on her side at dinner a few weekends ago, as though this wasn’t a decision he and I discussed at length, given I wasn’t even sure it was a good idea at first (I have since changed my mind after really discussing it with him)! I’ve decided it’s a mix of her losing her one “hobby” (answering the phone at my husband’s office), losing her stature (her son is going to be a stay at home dad, not the “fancy” occupation he had before, which she just loved telling everyone under the sun about), issues with gender norms since she is older, and a fundamental lack of understanding that I am awesome at my job, love it, and make more than enough money for this to be workable for us. So I get it. Definitely.
Clementine says
After a day of working my pants off and feeling guilty that I’m not spending enough time with my child, exactly what I want to hear is that it’s because I want more pretty shoes.
Although I’ll admit that after a super fun weekend with my kiddo, I keep feeling twinges of ‘Wouldn’t it be great to do this all the time!’ Despite the fact that I cut a 6 month maternity leave short because of boredom.
avocado says
That is obnoxious. I would have fired back with something like, “No, it’s because over the past 30 years median housing prices have risen from twice to three times median household income.”
bluefield says
You’re assuming logic would have worked. One time one woman said something to my MIL about how she worked so she could afford nice things, and that is all my MIL needed to confirm her opinion that women of her day loved their children, and women today love things.
avocado says
She sounds like a peach. Maybe “Yes, your son is really happy that I work so he can afford to golf all the time”?
avocado says
[Not trying to imply anything derogatory about your husband of course, just saying I would want to snarkily point out that I was not the only person in the household working.]
bluefield says
Yes, exactly. No one questions whether men who work love things more than they love their children. I tried to point that out to her but it just kind of went around in circles and I could feel the rage building up, so I changed topics (to what I thought would be an interesting but neutral related topic but as I said she was weirdly aggressive all day so that too kind of escalated until THANK GOD my husband returned). The moral of the story is that you shouldn’t try to have intellectual conversations with people who aren’t, and refuse to be, intellectuals.
I want to point out that she said this to me while sitting in her almost $2M home and wearing her expensive athleisure, so glass houses, etc. AND I only work part time, so you’d think she wasn’t talking about me, but then she said, “It’s not just you, it’s every working mom I know,” so I couldn’t really determine if she was including me in this materialistic group or not (she probably was because facts that don’t fit her narrative are not her forte).
It’s such a boomer mentality. “In my day we sacrificed, you kids don’t know the meaning of sacrifice.” I am trying to convince myself that rage is unproductive and pity is really a much better emotion here.
Anon says
I got asked over the weekend (by extended family-in-laws) if I “got to stay home or if [DH] didn’t make enough money and I had to let someone else raise my kids”. I didn’t want to make a scene so just brightly said “Oh I’m lucky enough to get to work! I’m wayyyy better at being a boss than I am at being a mom!” and then suddenly needed a refill. I seethed on the inside and quietly texted my mom how much I missed her.
bluefield says
Smug pity is the way to go here. Thinking that a woman would work only if her husband couldn’t support her is a very small view of the world.
lsw says
Wow. It’s like that person worked really hard to ask that question in absolutely the most judgmental and passive aggressive way possible. Good for you for that very measured and great response.
Kim says
I got ragey just reading your retelling! Good for you for realizing why she might think that. If she thinks the kids need more time at home, she can pick up the ball!
anon says
Yeah, an aunt of mine that is very sweet and otherwise likable told me it was “so sad” that I “had to” (haha) work and couldn’t be a SAHM like my sister. This is after she witnessed my mom trapped in an awful awful marriage for decades because she hadn’t worked for so long that she couldn’t afford to divorce my cheating, alcoholic dad and raise me and my sister without him. It blows my mind.
bluefield says
Some people can’t see the world past their own backyards.
octagon says
Please don’t flame me for this but… I need advice on how to break the bottle-before-bed habit with my 16mo and transition to brushing teeth. Current routine is change into PJs, one of us rocks her while she has her bottle, then put her in crib either asleep or drowsy. She’s never taken a pacifier.
I know we need to brush her teeth but I’m not sure how to get that same relaxation for her — if we do bottle first, there’s a risk she falls asleep, and then we’d have to wake her up.
Advice?
NewMomAnon says
Hugs. One of many difficult transitions from baby to toddler. Consider slowly replacing the milk with water, and brush teeth before bottle? A few more days of milk before bed won’t hurt her teeth.
NewMomAnon says
Oh, and – it’s often really challenging to brush teeth on a tiny person. There was a whole thread 18 months or so ago on here about strategies, but the ones I remember are: holding kiddo upside down to brush teeth, “hunting for bunnies” in kiddo’s teeth, buying a battery-operated toothbrush and letting kiddo pick it out, alternating kiddo brushing and parent brushing, and just having low expectations of your tooth-brushing efficacy.
BTanon says
Thanks for this! I’ve been feeling bad lately that toothbrushing has been so inconsistent for our toddler…he recently seems a little more amenable to letting me brush so I’m trying to run with it while it lasts.
NewMomAnon says
Kiddo was SO bad about teeth brushing. We asked the dentist about it when she was maybe 2? And the dentist smiled and said things usually get better about their third birthday. That has been true for my kiddo and it was really reassuring to know that we weren’t the only parents struggling with tooth brushing.
Anonymous says
We brush teeth before bottle. None of our kids have had dental problems as a result.
Redux says
Same (though we did switch from a bottle to a Miracle 360 cup, which I recommend).
FTMinFL says
We have a really routine-driven little guy and found it easier to add things, then subtract. We added teeth brushing before PJs and added reading a book to bottle-time (in our case, sippy cup). Once he was comfortable with that and associated reading a book with winding down, we slowly decreased the amount of milk in his cup until one night we just didn’t bring it upstairs. He asked for it once and I told him that the milk had “gone night night” and that seemed to satisfy him.
Good luck – these transitions are often harder on mom than the little one!
AwayEmily says
Aw, you shouldn’t feel bad! She’s still so young. Can you move her bottle earlier and/or transition to sippy cup, to lessen the association with sleep? Kind of like FTMinFL says — add a ritual where you sit on the couch or in the bed reading books with the cup or bottle, then go brush teeth, then do the rocking/singing without the bottle?
ElisaR says
we just started brushing my son’s teeth (he’s 15 mo) – I found it’s not as big a deal as I anticipated…..I give him a sippy cup (instead of bottle) now before bed and then brush his teeth while in the sleepsack right before putting him in the crib….. it doesn’t seem to mess things up too much!
and of course I have been told to be brushing his teeth since they came in but I just couldn’t swing it. Finally my ped guilted me enough to start.
porcupine says
Similar to what others have said –
Can you maybe try one at a time? Incorporate tooth brushing as part of your bedtime routine for a week or two, then try to move the bottle up earlier so that it occurs before tooth brushing?
My daughter is 20 mos so we went through this not long ago. Our old routine was bath (brush teeth while in bath) then bedtime story and bottle on the rocker in her room before putting her in the crib. We moved the bottle up to before bath and gave it to her on the couch in the living room instead. Since we no longer have the bottle before bed, I rock her for a few minutes in her room after we finish the book. It was a struggle for the first week or so because she wasn’t as sleepy at bedtime (and honestly she still isn’t as sleepy at bedtime) but we are mostly adjusted.
Tooth brushing is hit or miss. Some nights she is really cooperative and other nights it is a struggle, but it is slowly getting better.
I was worried about eliminating the bottles as well but she randomly started refusing them 2 weeks ago. She won’t drink milk from a cup and still uses a pacifier so we are moving on to the next transitions now I guess. Good luck!
Amelia Bedelia says
My kiddo A really bad hammer toe. She’s recently begun refusing to wear shoes on that foot because the shoes rub on the top of her toe. Any suggestion for brands with tall (?) toe beds?
Amelia Bedelia says
Ugh *has* a really bad hammer toe.
Anon says
Things that are not helpful today – husband googling all the extra risks/adverse outcomes of c-sections and texting them to me because our (not so) little baby girl is measuring over 6 pounds at 33 weeks (i.e., over the 90th percentile), despite the fact that I do not have gestational diabetes (my family just seems to grow big babies). Even less helpful because my husband does not process medical information well. We’re not even sure we’re going to go c-section yet, and they are going to measure her again in 3 weeks (and probably again after that). My anxiety about the possibility of being sliced open while awake is high enough as it is.
CPA Lady says
Oh my goodness. He needs to cut that out. (HAHA! Pun not intended, but I’ll leave it there because it cracked me up).
Seriously though, a planned c-section is completely different from an emergency one, and I’d guess that a lot of the bad outcomes are from c-sections where there is already an emergency. Also, I had a planned c and it went great. Think calm thoughts and tell him to stop texting you.
TK says
Agreed. I’m on team planned-c section. They said my baby would be large, they were right – 10 lbs, planned C section at 38 1/2 weeks. But my recovery was, frankly, easier than many of the moms I know who required some pretty fancy stitching to put them all back together after a v delivery. Plus, out of town grandparents knew when to arrive, and I got a few extra days at the hospital to learn how to be a parent, with medical assistance close by. I have nothing bad to say about the experience.
Listen to your doctor and follow her advice. Maybe a C-section makes sense, maybe not. But you’re not going to resolve that question through random internet searches.
Anonymous says
Text him to stop or he won’t be invited to future appointments. Ultrasound measurements are notoriously unreliable and baby growth slows down a lot at the end when they run out of space.
Anon says
^This.
anon says
Yes. My “10 pound” baby was induced at 42 weeks and weighed 8 pounds, 16 oz (that is what they told me, and I was like, I’m a bit out of it but that is 9 pounds, right?). I squeezed him out just fine. If your family typically grows big babies do they typically need c-sections? (Another hospital memory – being asked by the resident if I “have my mother’s pelvis”. The answer is apparently yes). And as my friend pointed out, fat is squishy.
Spirograph says
hahaha Please tell me you actually said that, because I am definitely a person who would call someone on “8lbs 16oz” 30 seconds after giving birth, and I’d be gratified to know I’m not the only one.
Anonymous says
I can’t remember if I did – if I did I don’t think they heard me or cared. In their defense I think they were converting from grams, which is the measurement they cared about at the hospital.
Midwest Mama says
Eek, I’m sorry that you’re stressed and DH is not helping! One comment – I wouldn’t put a lot of stock into their size estimates just yet. I had an ultrasound at 36 weeks and they said the baby was already over 6 lbs and would gain 1/2 lb per week. Then when baby was born at 39w4d, it was 6 lbs 14 oz. So I don’t think their size estimate at 36w was correct. Baby might not be as big as they’re telling you and/or might not grow as much as they say during the last few weeks. Good luck!
Anon says
Yep, though it can go the other way, too. My u/s at 36 weeks showed baby was 6 lbs 5 oz… he was born three days later at 7 lbs 1 oz. I think growth scans are just notoriously wrong.
Anonymous says
Ugh. Tell him to stop! Fwiw, I was a 9 pounder and my mom had a v-birth, and I had some friends who have had 10 pound babies via the v. I think it’s likely you can still have a v-birth if that’s what you want. But if you do have to have a C, it probably won’t be as bad as you fear. Especially if the C is planned, the recovery is really not bad for most people. And knowing you’ll have one in advance allows you to mentally prepare and make the necessary preparations, like moving everything to one floor of your house so you don’t have to do stairs a lot, and having extra help on hand the first few weeks when you can’t lift much.
Anon says
Anecdata: the only person in my birthing class (we had a reunion post-baby) who didn’t tear during her v birth was the one with the 9 pounder! She swore by perineal massage.
mascot says
Also, what does he want you to do with that information? It’s not like you can tell the baby to stop growing. If he wants to prepare for something, have a conversation about logistics of having a c-section, who does he stay with if baby has to go to another room temporarily after c-section while you are in recovery, what you might need for a c-section recovery at home as far as supplies and house set-up, etc.
Anonanonanon says
^This. I would straight up ask “honey, what are you hoping to accomplish by telling me this?” Tell him what you need right now is for the conversation to remain solution-focused, and discuss the topics mascot has suggested
Anon says
Other commenters have stressed how off those measurements can be and they’re right! It sounds like your care team might not be helping if they’re already talking about c-section, but I remember researching those measurements before and learning that they were widely bunk.
As for the c-section, listen to CPA Lady! Planned vs. emergency c-sections are very different. There are a lot of benefits of having a planned c-section. If it comes to that, choose to focus on the benefits! I had one unplanned but non-emergency c-section and am looking forward to a scheduled c-section the second time around. I guess it sounds wrong to say I’m looking forward to major surgery, but the process of birthing a child sans surgery isn’t without it’s own risks and struggles.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, add me to the list of people whose ultrasound measurement was wildly inaccurate.
ElisaR says
I apologize if this is repetitious – but oh man those measurements can be SO off. The doctor told me my son might be over 10 pounds and I would need a C section….. I later wound up with an unplanned C section (not because of his weight) and he came out 6 pounds 12 ounces. So as hard as it is – don’t get carried away with “how he is measuring” because they just don’t know.
HSAL says
A. He needs to cool it.
B. Like Midwest Mama said, ignore the size estimates. My husband was 12 pounds, 12 ounces, and 23 inches at birth. My doctor knew this, and made a few mentions about the size of the baby during measurements and ultrasounds. She’d smile and say “oh, she won’t be 12 pounds” so I was really expecting a ten pound baby, but I went at 39 weeks 3 days so there was never talk of inducing or c-sections. When I went into the hospital, the doctor on duty did a check and said “oh, at least 8 1/2.” She was under 8 pounds. I’ve heard the size estimates can be off by two pounds in either direction.
layered bob says
and so what if it is a huge baby? my mom birthed my 11 pound brother, induced with no epidural. My “measuring small” baby ended up being nine pounds. Lots of friends, friends’ moms, etc. have had perfectly healthy v a g i n a l births, induced and non-induced, for babies weighing 9, 10, 11 pounds.
If your provider wants you to automatically go to a c-section for a baby that is measuring big, with no other indicators, I would really, really push back on that and/or switch providers. That is not at all evidence based and I would be afraid of what other non-evidence-based practices the provider engages in.
Anonymous says
+100. Screw everyone. Birth your baby. You’re 36 weeks, you’ll be just fine.
Anonymous says
*Birth your baby however YOU want. Don’t let your doc push a c-section onto you if you don’t want one. I was so afraid of having a C-section that I almost had my baby on the sidewalk in NYC. (It worked. I didn’t have a C-section!)
Anonymous says
I mean, yes and no. I’m sure you don’t mean it this way, but it sounds like you’re saying a vaginal delivery is something you can totally control. If you’re dead set against a c-section and interventions, sure, do everything in your power to avoid that/them. Tell your doctor you want to try to avoid a c-section. Ask about the reasons for X or Y intervention. Ask to delay interventions if you can.
But, also make peace with the possibility of a c-section if it is needed for your/the baby’s health. I say this only because a friend recently had an 11.5 lb baby and really wanted a drug-free vaginal delivery and, after 3 days of labor, had to have a c-section.
Sassyfras says
Literally the first thing out of my husband’s mouth when our daughter was born: “Growth scans are bullsh*t”… they told me she was going to be 8-9 lbs, and she was 6 lbs 9 oz. Tell him to knock it off and I hope you have a wonderful birth experience.
Spirograph says
Yup, this was my experience with my first kid too. They thought he was going to be 10lbs, and he was actually 6 lbs 9 oz. Really long, but skinny. I don’t get the obsession with weight of the baby with regard to v-birthability — the real limiting factor is the size of the head, and maybe width of the shoulders. Everything else is smushy.
OP, tell your husband to stfu, doesn’t he know not to mess with a 9-months-pregnant woman’s head?!
Katarina says
I think the shoulders is what they are actually worried about. Large shoulders can lead to shoulder dystocia, which can be scary.
lsw says
Any tips for surviving my son’s first birthday party while actually having fun and enjoying it? I’m trying to let go of my need to control and realize that his napping/awakeness/pleasantness during the party is largely out of my hands (tried to plan around it, you know how that goes) as is the weather. I tried to keep things simple and not-too-Pinteresty for both my sanity and our bank accounts, but I still am a control freak who has asked my husband about five times what time he is picking up the kebabs. We are grilling at a park shelter (rented from the city, so we know we have it), and I’m planning to confirm that the two grandpas can help keep the grill stuff moving so that people have food. We are picking up all the other sides and drinks at Costco. My MIL is getting the cake – I have no idea what it looks like, because my stepdaughter wanted it to be a surprise, which is actually totally fine with me. My MIL has great taste and I’m sure it will be awesome.
I just want to actually enjoy it and not stress, maybe even remember to take a few pictures, and watch my kid be a maniac which he just is right now.
(After writing this, I am tempted to make myself anonymous because I’m embarrassed about how ridiculous this post is – but I will try to own it.)
Anonanonanon says
I was so stressed for my son’s first birthday, threw an AMAZING party…. and have zero pictures and little memory of it. I think recognizing how you’re feeling and that you don’t want it to interfere with your enjoyment of the event is the first step. Take pictures, take a step back once in a while and take a deep breath, and try to enjoy yourself. This is a celebration for YOU as well! You’ve made it one year!
anon says
assign someone else to take pictures!
my son was acting weird at his 1st birthday party, which turned out to be because he had a 103 degree fever by nightfall. You have many more birthdays to look forward to, and each will have high and low points. Give yourself permission to not enjoy it to take the pressure off. And plan a date night with your husband to celebrate in private living through the first year – it is a huge milestone for the two of you! Also, you could do some other things to honor this moment that don’t have to happen at a specific time and place, like spending an hour writing down some of your favorite things about your son at this age – that way you have the memories preserved and the party itself is just part of the memorializing.
CHJ says
My favorite thing that we did for my son’s first birthday was to have a cupcake with him at the precise minute he was born (which was 8:59 a.m. – harder to do if he was born in the night!). We did that with just DH, DS, and me, and it was really a sweet moment. Then once the birthday party rolled around, I didn’t feel like every moment needed to be a special moment.
Also – make plans in advance so you can do as little as possible during the party. It sounds like you’re already doing this, with delegating grilling, etc. But set out the plates/food/drinks/party favors, etc. before the first guest arrives, so that you can spend the time just talking to people. Make everything as self-service as possible so you don’t need to be doing any party-tending.
CHJ says
Also – what sides did you get from Costco? My son’s 4th birthday party is coming up and we’re doing a similar picnic at the park, and I need prepared picnic food ideas!
lsw says
Ahh, these are all great suggestions – thank you! I definitely need to task someone else with getting at least a few good cell phone snaps so that just in case I don’t get to my camera, it’s all good. And I’d like to make sure we get at least one picture with me and him, too. Because you are right, I’m d@mn proud about one year!
As for Costco…ask me tomorrow. Haha. I am planning on just getting whatever they have that looks good. Probably potato salad and this bean salad we had recently from there that was good. And I’m hoping they have one of those veggie trays!
layered bob says
my daughter (nearly 2) is attending a Montessori toddler community in the fall and needs indoor shoes/slippers that will be easy for her to take on and off. The school doesn’t do diapers – the kids wear t-shirts and underwear and indoor shoes, so the expectation is that the shoes will get peed on relatively frequently until the potty learning catches.
Her previous school also required indoor slippers but none of our go-tos are wipe-able. I’d like something really low profile/minimalist/flexible, but I’m not finding what I’m looking for. Seems like the options are Natives or Crocs, yeah?
EB0220 says
We like the Vivobarefoot sandals. They’re not too pretty but are very easy to clean. Kind of like crocs but low drop.
layered bob says
ah, perfect. Thanks!
Marilla says
My MIL bought my daughter (19 months) a pair of Nike water sandals with a wide velcro band at the top. I haven’t used them on her yet but they seem easy to take on and off. Crocs or jelly shoes sound like good options (no diapers does NOT sound like a good option but I guess my daughter is just not there yet!).
layered bob says
So I was terrified I would be stressing my daughter out and giving her a complex with the no-diaper thing, but the teacher assured us that she would handle potty learning just fine after a while with the other children.
But I kept asking for extensions on sending in the non-refundable deposit because I just didn’t think she was ready. Then a few days ago she said, “underpants? try potty?” and while she still wears a diaper at night/naps/when we’re out/with the nanny, she’s all of the sudden got kind of a handle on potty learning and I have enough confidence that when school starts in mid-September she’ll be able to deal that I sent in the deposit today!
anon says
Native shoes would be great for this purpose. They’re croc-like material but way cuter. I throw ours in the washing machine all the time.
EB0220 says
https://www.vivobarefoot.com/us/kids/exercise/ultra-kids?colour=Indigo