This fall, I want to go big — that is, go big with bold prints.
Boden is one of my favorite places to find fun (but still office appropriate) prints, and this silk shirt is a breath of fresh air for my closet. This shirt features a flattering curved hem, pointed collar, and deep cuffs (flip them up for a French cuff look or keep them down).
If the busy floral print isn’t to your taste there are several other colors and prints ranging from classic ivory to gray polka dots.
This silk shirt is $190. It’s available in sizes 2 to 20/22. Some prints are lucky sizes only.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
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Vacation Help says
We have some Big Life Things that will keep us close to home for an extended period of time (a year at least) that kick off in late January. So, we’re looking to book a memorable family vacation between now and then. It would be me, DH and 5 year old. 5 year old is in preschool and we’re ok with potentially pulling her out of school for this. We’re in the northeast so we’re looking for a warm destination.
DH and I would happily sit on the beach for a week but 5 year old needs a bit more activity. Pool and beach will definitely occupy us for a good long time, but if we just park ourselves at a resort it needs to cater to kids somewhat. She’s not one that would be happy at a Kids Club solo for hours on end, but would happily participate in kids activities.
Any recs? Hawaii feels like it would be perfect but the travel time alone from the northeast would suck for only 7 days (or convince me otherwise?). DH and I have done the USVI/BVI plenty of times, and we’ve vetoed Aruba. No strong opinions otherwise.
Budget is a little fluid. Willing to spend more than we might typically given what we have coming early next year and the fact this might be the last big vacation for a while. Think like 4 star budget, but (probably?) not 5. We have current passports, so we can leave the country. Give me your best recs! TIA.
Anonymous says
Beaches Turks & Caicos
Anon says
Beaches (especially Turk and Caicos) is probably not going to fit a 4 star budget. We booked for early December (still low season in Caribbean due to the tail end of hurricane season + schools still in session) and it looked like there was zero availability under $1k/night. Once you get into the January-April high season the rooms are all well above $1,500/night.
OP says
This actually looks perfect!! Is the food solid? Definitely looks like a huge variety of offerings from food to activities. Looks like we can get 7 nights for about $10-12k which is definitely within the budget, especially it being all inclusive.
Anon says
The food is very meh. Don’t go for the food.
FVNC says
Does southern California appeal? We stayed in Newport Beach last spring break and used that as our base for Disneyland, Balboa Island, and Santa Monica/a few LA things. With more time, maybe you could add in the San Diego zoo and beach time (or at least, playing in the sand since the water would be too cold). The weather wouldn’t be hot, but still pleasant, I think?
Anon says
Agreed the weather would *likely* not be hot, absent an odd heat wave that sometimes happens. Warmer than the Northeast obviously but it would probably be pants/long sleeve/even jacket weather, especially at night. To your point though, there is PLENTY to do in that area with a 5 year old that is not dependent on it being hot (in fact, it might make a day at Disneyland more pleasant than a hot one) that I find it matters less than going to a straight up beach-only vacation where if it is not nice out it is a huge bummer.
Deedee says
Do you only have 7 days or could you push to 8,9,10 for HI? I absolutely loved it there and if you could find manageable flights (both in terms of connections and timing), that would be my recc for a memorable trip! Hawaiian airlines has an infrequent direct flight from BOS that I snagged for under $1K RT last year (a connection on the return though) but i know flight prices have gotten bonkers since then. I’m not that well traveled in the Caribbean but I’d be reluctant to spend a full week there since it’s usually so easy to do long weekends from the Northeast. Puerto Rico is supposedly the HI of the Caribbean (mix of beach, jungle, US so easy to navigate without having to stay on resorts). I enjoyed PR but it wasn’t nearly the level of HI for me and I believe USVI beaches are nicer. I guess this doesn’t help much, but those are my 2 cents!
Anon says
PR is nothing like Hawaii. You’ll be so disappointed if you go there expecting Hawaii lite.
Anon says
St. Lucia is the Hawaii of the Caribbean but it’s still pretty different than Hawaii.
Anonymous says
We went to St Lucia for our honeymoon and it was absolutely lovely. I probably wouldn’t take a kid there though: there’s not much to do (we were there 5 days and DH was bored on day 3). I’d try HI (with the caveat that I’ve never been).
Anon says
We had a great trip to St. Lucia with a 5 year old. We didn’t leave the resort much but we stayed at Sugar Beach which has a ton of stuff for kids to do, so my kid wasn’t bored at all. DH and I are big snorkelers though, and our kid is very entertained by beach/pool so YMMV. I agree that in Hawaii there is more stuff for both kids and adults to do outside of the resort.
Anon says
I would go to Hawaii. Travel from the East Coast is not fun, but still worth it for 7 days imo.
Anon says
It’s $$$$ but Sugar Beach has tons of fun activities for kids that kids can join with parents or under the supervision of counselors, and St. Lucia is the Caribbean island that most resembles Hawaii.
Anonymous says
Costa Rica.
Anon says
Hawaii. 5 is a great age for it. You don’t need more than 7 days. Oahu has a reputation as the worst island, but it’s the easiest to fly direct to and we were surprised how much we liked it when we went recently with a 3 year old. There’s a Disney resort there if that appeals to you.
Anon says
i was going to say Costa Rica or Southern California. We have two friends who went to Southern California this summer and had a great time – mix between beach, hiking, activities (San Diego Zoo, Legoland), but it might be too cool there in the winter for beach?
Anonymous says
If you’re at all into Disney, my five year old had the most magical time ever on a Disney cruise last year. It was relaxing for us because Disney truly does think of everything in terms of kid entertainment (including the free, great kids club my kids loved while my husband and I went off to lay around by a pool), and we had great weather. Happy to answer more questions if you’re at all interested.
Anonymous says
+1 for a Disney cruise even if you are not into Disney and/or cruises. I was not keen on a cruise and my husband is anti-Disney, but after our cruise we agreed it was the most fun and relaxed vacation ever without being the least bit boring.
Anon says
Or even a regular cruise. Disney is twice the price of Royal Caribbean and not any better in terms of food and activities unless the Disney characters are going to be a huge thrill for your kid. Any big cruise ship will have tons of entertainment for a kid that age.
Fair warning though that I know a couple dozen people who cruised this year and last and probably 80% of them tested positive right after the cruise and most of the ones who didn’t had had Covid within the previous six months. Definitely not something to do if you’re at all Covid cautious.
Daycare buddy birthday says
Going to a birthday party on Saturday for a daycare buddy. She’s turning two. I’d like to bring a small gift, but I know her parents also feel like they have enough plastic stuff in their house from previous play dates.
Stickers and a card? Coloring book and crayons?
Boston Legal Eagle says
I like the Water Wow books for that age and up, and they can be reused over and over again.
anonM says
Bath stuff? I like the color drops, foam soap, or glow sticks. Stickers and a card or book are also great.
FVNC says
+1. My kids loved bath crayons.
Anonymous says
Book plus stickers. Mother Bruce, GoodNight Construction site series (the one with girl trucks), or Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs by Mo Wihelms are my favs for that age
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I feel like I’m in the minority, but I give GCs for kids birthday parties, and keep a stack in my desk drawer. Amza*n, Target, local bakery/restaurant (if you know they like a certain place), etc. Bonus points if your kid “draws” on the envelope.
FP says
Along this idea, our local ice cream chain (Jeni’s) offers packs of tokens for a kids cone or cup. We will often give a five pack of these for a birthday gift.
Paging CPA Lady says
I had a post at 10:41 yesterday that didn’t get out of m0d until after 6 because of my 8 year old burner email. Rather than make another burner or risk m0d again, can you check? Just looking for your Disney spreadsheet you mentioned on a prior post. Thanks!
anon says
FYI this says hand wash only
Pogo says
lol right? It’s a silk blouse. Of course it’s not Washable Workwear.
Anonymous says
I guess everything’s washable once?
Anon says
I have a parents night out event for my kid’s preschool tomorrow night. We’re in the northeast so it’s getting cool (50s at night). It’s apps and drinks at a restaurant in the suburbs. Thoughts on what to wear? I don’t go out much anymore!
Anonymous says
I would wear straight-leg jeans, a nice t-shirt, a leather jacket, and short boots.
Anon says
I like this. Can check out charly goss on instagram, whom I’ve plugged on the main page before too, for “cool mom” picks too! In the south I’d wear a casual midi dress but I like this in the northeast!
Anon says
Does anyone have an older kid who struggle with being messy? My elementary school kid’s room is a disaster, and I don’t know how to teach her to be organized and keep stuff neat. I currently have fines of library books she lost, because the mess makes it hard to find anything!
FVNC says
I assume you’re looking for a different answer than “constant nagging”? Because that’s what it takes to keep our 4th grader’s room clean :) The one (potentially) helpful tip I can share is, make sure the stuff — whatever it is: art projects, toys, books, clothes — has a spot where it can, theoretically, be put away — and that she has buy-in to whatever the “put away” place is. In our case, that means: a large dresser, a large closet with cubbies for projects (I recognize this is lucky; in our previous home the closet was a tiny half-height space with one rod built into the eaves), and bookshelves. Once or twice a week, after my nagging, she’ll spend time putting everything in its place before the mess explosion is slowly recreated over the next few days.
Anonymous says
My kid is also a slob, even though she is hyper aware of other people’s messes. Do a big purge and organize what’s left so it’s easy to find and put away. Go with the path of least resistance—laundry basket in the bathroom so she doesn’t have to carry dirty clothes back to the bedroom hamper, backpack hook and shoe bins near the front door, etc. Make sure closets, drawers, shelves, and bins are no more than 75% full, not crammed with stuff, to make putting things away less overwhelming. Enforce daily cleanup time to keep the mess from accumulating. Check drawers, bins, and closets regularly to be sure she is actually putting things away instead of just jamming them in random places. No fun stuff (play dates, sports, park) until everything is put away. Make her actually clean her room and bathroom, not just keep them tidy. And make her pay the fines on the library books she loses.
AwayEmily says
The daily cleanup trick helps a lot for us. We do the daily cleanup at bedtime, between toothbrushing and “fun time” (a pre-bedtime period in their room that consists of either an audiobook, rough-housing, or coloring). Fun time doesn’t start until the room is tidied, and we all pitch in. If we lapse on the daily cleanup things just accumulate and become overwhelming. My kids are younger (4 and 6) but there is just no way that they would do it regularly without (1) reminders, (2) some help and (3) it being part of a routine.
anon says
My kid naturally leans toward being a slob. Unfortunately, I have to stay on top of her to build those good habits. After letting things slide for too long, we now commit to several cleanups throughout the week. If you stay on top of it, each session is pretty short. It’s also a basic expectation that she puts her dirty clothes in the hamper every day. Also, I find that messes on the floor bother me a lot more than surface mess, so my expectation is that her bedroom floor is cleaned up before she goes to bed. I can deal with stuff on the dresser; I cannot deal with tripping over stuffed animals and backpacks.
If she’s losing library books, you may need to be more hands-on than you want to be for awhile.
Anonymous says
With my 9 year old daughter, it took her stuff getting lost/broken to make a change.
I don’t require near and tidy but I do insist on clean. No wet towels on the floor, no trash on the floor, nothing that can break or make a mess on the floor (nail polish, paint/open markers, etc). Her desk is a disaster and her dresser is covered in [email protected] but I don’t care.
If there are wet towels on the rug, she loses screens for the day.
anonymous says
The activity question yesterday made me think, what happens if you and your partner are not on the same page? E.g., one of you wants your kid to be involved in activities that he/she chooses, but the other parents doesn’t want to deal with the cost/hassle/driving/stress. Do any of you have this situation, and how do you compromise/manage the activities in this case?
Anonymous says
My husband and I are generally on the same page (keep it manageable, but try to be open to lots if the kids want to), but my parents had this issue growing up. I wanted to be involved in tons of activities, which my mom was happy to facilitate and my dad wasn’t. I got SO much out of them and truly valued every one, and I’m still a little bitter at my dad for his endless complaining and reluctance about them.
Anonymous says
You have to come to an agreement that both parents can live with. Making the parent who is in favor of the activity solely responsible for it is impractical. Even if one parent does all the driving, there are other logistical and financial impacts on the rest of the family. It helps to agree on your general values and goals for extracurriculars before selecting the specific activities. In our family those goals are 1) health and fitness 2) encouraging creativity 3) teaching hard work and resilience 4) allowing kids to pursue genuine passions as far as possible because that is such a fun part of childhood 5) service to church and 6) not pushing mom and dad over the edge with logistics. This translates into requiring kiddo to do some organized form of exercise at least twice a week plus church choir (ticks off artistic and church service requirements) and saying nope to most of the school-related extracurriculars because they are low-quality and a huge hassle. We let her do a travel sport for several years because it was what she wanted, but now she does a different sport just for fun and fitness and we are happy with that. We have supported other interests through summer camps, lessons, etc., but sometimes she wants to do all the things and we have to make her prioritize.
Anon says
Our rule of thumb is whoever initiated the activity (me) is responsible for it. Our kid is young (4) and hasn’t self initiated anything yet.
The biggest conflict we had was about religious school. Husband was really opposed and I only got him to agree by promising him he could do nothing related to it. There are a lot of activities with parent participation expected and I told him it would be 100% on me even though normally both parents attend. But actually he kept an open mind and has ended up doing some stuff because our kid really wanted him there.
Anonymous says
this is similar to our system.. my husband just doesn’t need as much downtime as I do, or doesn’t see driving as such a chore, or generally thinks our kids should do All The Things, whereas I… am totally fine with supporting my kids’ interests to a point, but that point doesn’t include 4 days of hockey in a row. He pushed the hockey and the travel team, he’s responsible for it (which is fine by him, he’s an assistant coach and gets to skate, too).
it still leaves me alone with the other two kids a lot, which is frustrating sometimes, but there we are.
Anon says
i cannot believe that some of the ‘mean girl’ stuff starts at age 4. my daughter was complaining that no one plays with her at school, but i wasn’t taking her seriously because she happily trots off to school each day, comes home saying she played with lots of kids, and another mother told me that her daughter talks incessantly about my daughter. she said it again at dinner yesterday, but this time explained that there are two particular little girls who play with each other and don’t play with her. these girls were in her class last year, but it wasn’t an issue then. i’m not ready for the friendship issues!
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is a problem. She has friends and enjoys school and it doesn’t sound as if she’s being bullied. It’s okay if these two other girls aren’t friends with everyone as long as they are relatively polite and not nasty to the other kids.
Anon says
+1. Even for adults, not everyone can be friends with everyone. My kids are in elementary and from my observation there are often very clear small groups and pairs that play with each other every single day. I think that is natural, as long as they aren’t being overtly rude (just to be blunt though, there will likely be times where what they say will be rude (especially as perceived by an adult) because kids this age simply haven’t learned the nuanced ways to explain to someone that they are already busy or prefer to play with someone else that day etc.). Over a longer period of time it will ebb and flow who makes up these groups. Obviously there are things we as adults can do to steer them all in as inclusive, polite direction as possible, but to fight the natural tendencies of these kids pairing off would be an uphill battle.
Anon says
Yeah I’m not sure I’d call this “mean girl.” This is just friendship preferences and yes age 4 is generally when kids switch from playing with everyone to playing with specific friends. Your daughter has friends and isn’t being picked on. I wouldn’t worry.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, I don’t think it’s gendered OR necessarily mean. My 4.5yo (who is a boy) is best friends with a girl who he’s been in daycare with since they were both two. They’d always gotten along and it intensified when they started in the preschool room together (age 3.5). The teachers eventually did some gentle interventions to encourage them to play with people other than each other. A year later, things have gotten a lot better and they play with a wider range of people (though they are still super close). I don’t think either of them are “mean” — they just really like each other, and my son in particular is a bit socially anxious so tends to stick close to people he knows.
Anonymous says
Let the kids choose their own playmates unless they are actually being mean about it. You wouldn’t want your daughter to be forced to play with kids she didn’t want to play with, so don’t expect the other kids to be forced to play with her.
Anon says
I wouldn’t call this mean girl. I’d say this is just the kids getting older and figuring out who they mesh with. It will get much worse, so try to give other kids the benefit of the doubt now just like you would your daughter!
anon says
+1
Anonymous says
You’re overreacting. Kids are developing friendships and everyone does NOT have to play with everyone. In fact, it’s the right of the other girls to not include your daughter if they don’t feel like it. Are YOU friends with every single person you meet? No, of course not. Unless she’s being incessantly teased or left out or physically targeted it sounds normal and fine.
Anon says
I agree with everyone else that this isn’t really mean girl behavior, but mean girl stuff totally does start at a very young age. Last year in my daughter’s Pre-K class there was a 5 year old who had taken two 4 year olds (my daughter and another girl) under her wing but was also constantly playing them off against each other. Basically each day she’d declare one 4 year old to be her bestie that day, and those two would make the other one feel really left out. It pitted the 4 year olds against each other because they both wanted to get the 5 year old’s attention but there was also lots of drama between the 4s and the 5 (they recognized her behavior was not nice). Fwiw, individual play dates with both girls helped and her friendship with the 5 year old who instigated this has actually been the one that’s the most solid now even though she and the other 4 year old are still in class together (probably because that mom and I click better and get them together fairly often).
Allie says
Bed help please! It’s time to get a single bed for our youngest but because she shares a low-ceiling room with her sister it can neither be a bunk nor go up against a wall. What do you recommend to keep her from rolling off for a bed that won’t be up against a wall? Something temporary on each side? A bed with wood side rails on both sides? Her big sister used one of those foam bumpers, which worked great, but two won’t fit on a single bed. TIA!
Anon says
They make toddler bed rails for just this purpose. Just get the temporary screen ones that slide under the mattress.
Anonymous says
Pool noodles under the sheets.
Anon says
This is probably not the look that you’re going for, but we have a mattress on the floor. The kids seem to prefer it. I figure maybe we will switch to bed frames around kindergarten.
Anon says
My 4 yo son is having a hard time adjusting to school this year. He is a twin and this is the first year he is separated from his brother. He says he often plays by himself at school and recently told me that, when playing by himself, another boy (who is a bit rambunctious) purposely knocked over a couple of DS’s toys. I take it with a grain of salt that things might not have gone down as DS said, but he has talked about it a lot and is clearly upset and didn’t want to go to school today. Since DS was clinging at drop off, I told his teacher all of the above and she said, unequivocally, that no one knocked down DS’s toys and, he’s just having trouble with separation, “its nothing.” While I think she’s probably right, I was surprised at how dismissive she was and that she also made no mention of trying to help him integrate into the class. I’m working on setting up playdates to give him one on one time with other kids. Am I wrong to ask the teachers to help with this too? I assume this is still part of their job in class of 4 year olds, but don’t want to overstep if not.
Anonymous says
I would find the teacher’s attitude refreshing. I think adults tend to get more worked up about classroom transitions than necessary. It’s okay if it takes him a few weeks to settle in. I wouldn’t be so sure that the knocking-over incident didn’t happen, but that kind of stuff happens all the time and usually isn’t a big deal. The best thing you and the teacher can do is not to encourage drama.
OP says
Thanks for the perspective. I’m not trying to encourage drama, but looking for ways to help my son feel more comfortable and make friends. In a year and a half of outside childcare, he’s never hesitated to run into school/camp/etc. without looking back. My babysitter calls him social director at the playground, because he is so friendly and outgoing with the other kids and, even after a month of school, he seems to be the opposite there. Was hoping the teachers would want him to help him be more comfortable at school too.
Anon says
My overall confident, outgoing, independent kid had a weirdly clingy phase shortly after turning 4 that made school drop-offs especially very challenging. I posted about it here at the time. We never did figure out a cause but it seems to be totally resolved now. I think it’s totally possible this is just a developmental stage he’ll get past.
I wouldn’t say I find the teacher’s attitude “refreshing” – in an ideal world they’d be a little more empathetic – but I also don’t think it’s a big deal or something that requires more teacher intervention. The kid probably did knock down his blocks, but that happens all the time and I think one of the main lessons of preschool is learning not to care too much about stuff like that. Honestly, I think as an adult I’m too sensitive and sometimes I wonder if the fact that I never went to daycare is to blame! My daycare kid is so unfazed by kids grabbing her toys or saying the occasional mean thing and I really think that’s a good thing. Being very sensitive makes life so hard.
Anon says
fellow twin mom – how do you plan on scheduling individual playdates? my other twin would be so jealous, and obviously they have to learn that they can’t always do the same things, and i probably need to learn that more as well, but i’d feel like i need to schedule a playdate for the other twin at the same time, or that a week later the other twin would have to have a playdate
OP says
I haven’t quite figured that out yet, either! So far, our playdates have been with kids who already know both my twins, so have just brought both. Birthday parties are on the weekend, so DH and I have been splitting up and taking the sibling to do something else. I may try to arrange playdates when I and a babysitter are available, so we can divide and conquer. That will definitely create issues with both twins wanting to go wherever is deemed more fun (and its a good chance that won’t be the playdate, at least at first!), but I think its important for them to separate and create separate relationships with others.
Anon says
I am choosing between two schools for my son to start K next year, and I am having so much trouble on how to choose. School A has a better reputation academically and just from my communications with the office, seems to be well-organized and on top of things (I certainly appreciate that they are trying to market themselves–and they are good at it!). School B is a good school, but is not as renown academically as School A. Its facilities are somewhat outdated (e.g., no AC), and it seems to have less extracurricular offerings, fewer sports choices, etc. And, School B has some things that make it logically more complicated, since it doesn’t offer bus-service or on-site aftercare.
But, School B seems like it would be a much better fit for us socially, and I appreciate that School B has greater diversity. Both schools are private schools with comparable tuition, but School A draws a more affluent crowd based on its location. My husband and I are just not fancy people, and I’m worried about feeling like an outsider at School A.
If I were to totally eliminate the social component, School A would be my pick. But, I am concerned about not fitting in socially there. I love the community on this site, so I wanted to get perspective. On one level I think, my child’s academics should take priority over whether I as a parent would make friends with other parents (and, for 2 working parents, things like having bus service and aftercare are important!). But on the other hand, I think that finding a community within a school and feeling “at home” is important too.
Anonymous says
Assuming that A is harder to get into because it is fancier, I would try A and then transfer him to B if it isn’t clicking after a couple of years because transferring to A would probably be difficult if you started with B and were dissatisfied with the academics. IME academic fit is most important to kids’ happiness at school, and kids can usually find a small group of like-minded friends.
Anon says
On the social element, I’d only add that in a big school, you can still find your people. You don’t need to like every parent, but finding a community within the community is nice. So I’d probably lean School A?
Anonymous says
No A/C would be a dealbreaker for me. My elementary and junior high schools had no A/C and it was torture.
anon says
School A would be my choice, based purely on logistics and its offerings. If I were paying for private school, I would want to get the most from my money, if that makes sense. That isn’t to say that I wouldn’t be worried about the social component, but I think that would be lower on my priority list than the other factors you mentioned.
What’s most important to your family? I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here.
Anon says
I would do School A for the easier logistical benefits. You don’t know for sure that you won’t find a great community there, so why let that stop you when it seems like it’s your top choice otherwise?
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t entertain for a moment a school with no aftercare or bus options if there is any alternative. To me that simply doesn’t work for my family at all and it very clearly says that it’s a stay at home mommies school which is not me.
Anonymous says
The SAHM thing is a good point. We are not fancy, but I feel like I fit in better at the fancy places that cater to working parents than at the un-fancy places that are full of SAHMs.
anon says
Right, this. Even if School B draws a less-fancy crowd, you may have a harder time fitting in as a working parent.
DLC says
Oh this would be tough for me. Not because of the academic portion (I think that’s actually the factor I would weigh the least personally), but because of the logistical reasons.
My priority order would be:
Logistics
Supportive staff/ quality of teachers
Diversity/ community
Academics
My oldest was in a magnet elementary school that fed into a middle school in a very affluent part of town and we ended up pulling her from the program in fifth grade because we knew that going to that middle school was not going to be a good fit for us or our kids. A lot of people were surprised at our decision because that middle school feeds into the most prestigious public high school in this area. But at the end of the day, logistics of getting our kid to that side of town and not wanting to our daughter in a school where her classmates would be an income bracket above her won out.
I don’t think you as a parent wanting to make friends is necessarily something you should disregard because, zooming out… if your child makes friends at a more affluent school, then she might also feel pressure to keep up with her classmates. I think there is a lifestyle creep associated with going to school in a wealthier district. Think about what kind of environment you would want your kid to be in in five years, eight years.
But having said all that…. The lack of after care and busing would be an issue for me. If they are easily solvable for you then I would seriously consider school B.
Also- You can always change schools. I wish I had learned this earlier with my daughter and pulled her from her magnet school in third grade.
AwayEmily says
I echo all of this. The type of people at school does matter. I’ve seen a natural experiment of sorts in the last few years…I work at a university, and many of my work colleagues had kids at about the same time (6-10 years ago). About half of them moved out to the richer, fancier suburbs, about half of us stayed in the city (where schools are much “worse”). I’d say that we’ve all been relatively happy with the education our kids have received, but there’s been a big difference in our social experience. My friends in the suburb have found that the parents are just really….intense. The kids are in tons of activities, birthday parties are over-the-top, etc. My experience with the parents at my kids’ school is different: everyone is very low-key. For example, i talked to a mom whose kid is in my daughter’s first-grade class and found out that her other kids had also had the same first-grade teacher. I asked what she thought of her and she was like “eh, she’s not my favorite. But whatever, Madeline will be fine.” (Madeline is her daughter). Honestly, I find it very refreshing when people are not constantly trying to optimize their kids’ lives and are just letting them be. I feel less pressure to be perfect, playdates are low-key, it’s just a really chill environment and I’m glad that it’s where my kids will spend the next decade of schooling.
Anon says
+1 We are house hunting in southern CT and purposely picked a town/city with “worse” schools to avoid the pressure cooker schools and intense social competition/$$$ of the “best” towns
Hard to say in OP’s case since logistics are so important, too! But I actively avoid “elite” elementary schools, so that would be a con for school A for me
Anon says
This is interesting. I also work at a university. It’s not in a big city but there is one school district that is almost 100% professors kids and one school district that is less diverse ethnically but more diverse socioeconomically and has some professor kids and some kids from the blue collar rust belt manufacturing town and the surrounding farm country. The kids from my daughter’s university-run daycare are split between the two districts. The former school district is definitely more academically intense but I have not found the parents to be super intense. Maybe it’s just self-selection, but pretty much everyone we talk to seems pretty low key. Maybe things will change when the kids are in upper elementary and academics matter more. But no one we know is throwing over the top birthday parties or putting their kids in a zillion activities. Most people (us included) seem to think that little kids should have lots of time at the park and for pretend play with friends. We paid more for a house in the more academically intense district with the thinking it would be easier to switch out than in, but so far we are very happy here. It definitely could change in the future thought.
NYCer says
School A without question. No AC plus no bus or aftercare would be deal breakers for me.
Anonymous says
A for logistics alone.
Anonymous says
school A for logistics alone.
Anonymous says
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PinkKeyboard says
Asking for advice… my daughter has always been very shy but has really been struggling since the start of kindergarten (which was full time and in person) through to second grade now. She has NEVER made a friend. She would like to make friends and is not actively unfriendly, but she can’t respond socially very well. I’ve seen other kids say hi to her, kids she knows and likes, and she is too shy to respond. At a birthday party she will play alone rather than approach her classmates despite really wanting to play. It took her years to warm up to my inlaws (divorced, remarried).
We saw behavioral issues at home last year that we thought were resulting from her feelings of loneliness and exclusion at school but the counselor wrote them off as a result of the new baby. But they evaporated the second school let out and now three weeks in they are back full force. I have contacted the guidance counselor to ask for testing as it seems to me as if there is likely an actual issue at play… I also scheduled a behavioral consult with her pediatrician that isn’t for a month. I also found a private place that does social skills groups etc privately and am going to try that as well.
The school seems to be stonewalling because she is academically advanced and suffers in silence in school (all the behavioral issues come out at home). My questions are 1. Is it worth it to push the school or do I just wait for results from private testing? 2. Is my approach appropriate? Is there anything else I should be doing?
Anonymous says
Is there something to be done outside of school? Sunday school, dance class, art class, music time?
anon says
Does she see friendly social behaviors modeled in the home (do you have friends over, stop and say hi to the neighbors, etc.)? Has she had playdates?
Anon says
I’m not sure parents have to model this. My kid is way more social than either me or DH. We basically never have anyone over (our close friends aren’t local and the people we know through our kid we’re friendly with but not close to) and my kid is still very good at making friends and has play dates all the time. I guess my point is it can’t hurt to model social behavior but Op should not blame herself if she’s not super social. Most little kids make friends way more easily than adults.
Anon says
It’s not about blaming anyone. Modeling is how some kids learn. Kids are watching.
Anon says
I guess I feel like kid socialization is so different than adult socialization that it’s better to work with a kid directly on skills that will help them vs modeling adult interaction? I feel like my kid has learned so much more about social skills through direct instruction on that topic at preschool than by watching us make small talk with adults. I do think it’s something some some people have to learn and practice and there’s definitely no shame in that! But I’m not convinced that watching adults interact is going to teach an 8 year old the skills they need to interact with their peers.
eh230 says
Get testing done privately. If you have a result, you can share it with the school, and they will likely take action. Inattentive ADHD and autism are often missed in girls if the academics are good and because girls tend to be better at masking. Regardless if she has a diagnosis, it sounds like she would benefit from play therapy and/or a social skills group. Good luck!
Anonymous says
How about inviting a classmate for 1:1 playtime? If she still struggles in that setting, how about an activity they can do together? Eg bake, tye dye, that sort of thing?
I have 3 girls and they are night and day in terms of how they socialize. I was really worried about my middle one but she has come into her own.
M
Anon says
Push for testing. You pretty much described my daughter and she has a behavioral IEP. Shes in pre-k and works 1-1 with an IEP teacher on social skills once a week (combo of pushing in or out depending on what the teacher wants to focus on that week). When she moves to Kinder, she will be in a social skills group with the guidance counselor.
Zoom land says
I almost don’t know how to ask this, but is anyone else majorly struggling with the idea of Zoom work life forever ? My workplace is officially hybrid moving forward and I try to go in 2 days a week for human interaction, but … it’s basically empty and I end up on zoom calls anyway ! I appreciate the flexibility with wfh and not commuting, but honestly the idea of sitting in front of a screen in my basement for the rest of my career is SO DEPRESSING. What am I missing ??
Anon says
It’s so depressing. My kid was sick the other day and I was trying to get her off her screens and I said “you can’t stare at a screen all day, it’s not healthy” and she said “but mom you stare at a screen all day!” Touché kid, touché.
grass is greener says
Ha, hello from the other side. We’re back in the office five days a week and have been since fall 2020 and I miss that period of wfh so much! As a parent it was invaluable! Logistics are so much easier with wfh. And things like running the dishwasher.
If you’re really worried about this for the rest of your career, I do think there are some big geographic variations and you could consider moving to a city with an office culture if that’s an option down the road. That sounds dramatic but I don’t mean it to be. I live in Houston and besides some firm attorneys most everyone I know goes to the office. And it’s a big diverse city. I, on the other hand, would like to relocate to Boston or NYC where my friends are wfh!
Anon says
i also live in Houston and fortunately have a hybrid schedule, btu just came back from a weekend away with fam/friends in the NYC and Boston area who have either become fully remote or go in once a week. the regional differences are astounding.
Anon says
Just want to chime in – fellow Houstonian (love that you mentioned the diversity, I feel like I’m one of few BIPOCs that post here!), and we are hybrid – really a “come in as you need/is needed”, but I try to go 2x/week. I have colleagues that go in 3-4x/week max. I work in healthcare (not clinical), so often my “office” day is going onsite to one of our hospitals or clinics.
As much as I love the perks/flexibility WFH gives me, I would really struggle with perma WFH and I do get a jolt of energy the days I go in. I do think since there are so many energy jobs (not my industry) that tend to be more old-school there are more people back in offices.
DH goes into the office 3x/week (also on his own volition) but his colleagues in D.C. are all over the place.
Anon says
I’d be sitting in front of a screen all day in the office too so I’d rather save time and money not commuting. What helps me is making sure I’m giving enough time (and money) towards the things I love to do in the outdoors. Then I’m not spending the rest of my life in front of a screen – just my work life, which is a small part of who I am. I notice a real negative difference in mood and happiness when I have too much screentime in my non-work life – getting outdoors is key for me to balance out my time in front of my computer.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Can you go to seminars or networking events during the day? Or plan a team outing? I like having the social interactions in the office, but WFH is convenient for most of the week. You can also try switching up your home office set up – can you sit outside for part of the day? Take more walks throughout the day?
anon says
I know what you mean. Don’t sit in front of a screen all day, or in your basement all day either. You have to find a way to make it work for you and stay motivated, so sneak in some real breaks that refresh you. I just went on a 30 minute bike ride under the blue skies during my lunch break and stopped at a flower garden midway (sorry, sounds so smug as I write it). That’s a joy-filled moment I’d never get working in an office 40 hours a week.
Anonymous says
I hope it stays forever. DH and I both WFH now and it’s been a huge boost to our marriage. Kids are out of the house 8-4 most days. We go on walks, have lunch dates, and we are more equal than ever on kid care. I have enough time to coach travel soccer. DH takes one girl to Girl Scouts and is even an assistant helper/leader. We could never could do that if commuting full time.
Pogo says
I agree with you. I am an introvert, but I still find Zoom/Teams all day SO draining. What helps me is putting meetings on the calendar that I know I can have in person – because we are physically in the same office, and we are “suggested” to be in the office Tues-Thurs. So if i need to chat with another manager on a Thursday, I set up the meeting w/ a conference room which is a nudge to come in if you can.
I also do a lap or two around the office just to chat with whoever is in. Sometimes it’s only 1-2 other people that I’m friendly enough with to stop and chat, but it’s still nice even to just say hi.
Schedule purposeful in person team meetings and events. Last week my boss had an extended staff meeting for 3 days in person. We also went out both nights for drinks/dinner. This felt SO refreshing and it was great to have some real in person interaction. But, it was purposeful, and we don’t do it every week – once a year or maybe twice; every month we try to have the staff meeting in person, but even that depends (I’m not at our main office location so I have to fly in for these).
We do a 1x/month happy hour at the office, where we literally just BYO and meet up on the patio. Almost everyone from my department comes in that day, because they know they’ll get to see people.
I think it’s a valid issue. Even my attire has gone SO casual, I look at my sheath dresses and wonder if I’ll ever need them again LOL.
Anon says
+1 – I am the Anon/Houstonian who posted at 1:42 PM.
I think the framing of “purposeful” is spot on. Going to the office/on-site is more purposeful now – meetings that are better in-person, something celebratory for the team, etc. Right now I have a lot of stuff at work I’m trying to get off the ground, and being in the office is helpful for that.
Anon says
How often do you do date night? How old are your kid(s)? What do you do to make them happen? (Sitter? Grandparents?)
In need of some good ideas! We haven’t had a date night in ages and it feels daunting to make it happen.
Anonymous says
I posted above but since DH and I both WFH now, we do lunch dates while the kids are at school.
Anon says
Basically never. DD is 4. We used to do lunch a lot (at least weekly) when we both worked in the same area but stopped that since wfh. We have local grandparents who babysit so not a childcare issue, it’s just not a big priority for either of us. Tbh since the pandemic began and we both wfh I see way too much of my husband.
Anonymous says
Starting about six months ago, we do date night once a month. We have three kids: 5, and 19 month old twins. I have two reliable babysitters on rotation. My mom is local and can occasionally babysit, but prefers weekends because she still works. We normally just go to dinner and then go home. We’ve started to branch out into kayaking, hiking or just walking in the neighborhood. TBH it was daunting: it took probably three months of babysitting vetting before I found ones who will actually show up, but it’s so worth it. I used care dot com, but you may have more options like local kids or a university you can contact.
Pogo says
We have a few sitters, and we go out probably 1x/month (not on a specific schedule). Even if we don’t go out on Saturday nights, we try to do something where we aren’t just watching tv and scrolling our phones next to each other on the couch that one night a week. We tried those date night boxes during the pandemic and they were meh. Our favorite is either hot tub or fire pit – forces you to be physically away from the TV and phone and just chat, but don’t need a babysitter because we’re still home/within baby monitor distance.
jdmd says
We do date night once a week, almost always on a weeknight. Kids are 6 and 7. We’ve alternated between having a neighborhood high school student babysit (prepandemic) and having our nanny stay a few extra hours into the evening (now). With the weekly schedule, there’s less pressure to make it an “event”, and instead it’s a chance for us to go out for dinner and talk without the kids. We always get dinner, but we might also go for a nice walk by the water or in a park, visit a dessert destination, play a board game, or even (don’t laugh) go grocery shopping together. One time we took an archery lesson together. We’re doing an escape room next month. We’re usually home by 8:30.
Our favorite summer date nights were getting carryout and playing a cooperative board game on a picnic blanket by the canal. We like Code Names Duet and Forbidden Island for cooperative games, have been wanting to try Pandemic.
Cb says
Not often enough, we tend to go out when my parents are visiting. And we sometimes do afternoon dates – next week, we are going to a restaurant we’ve been wanting to try and to see a show at the theatre.
NYCer says
We probably average twice a month. Two daughters – one in elementary school and one in preschool.
We generally do dinner out on a weeknight and are home by 830 or 9. If my mom is in town, she babysits, otherwise our nanny stays late. We also walk to or from work together at least twice per week (~30 minutes to my husband’s office, then I walk 10+ min extra to my office). Obviously not a real date, but it is still quite pleasant.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We don’t have a consistent schedule but try to go out once or twice a month, usually on Saturday nights. My parents are local and can spend time with the kids (6 and almost 4), and we used to have a babysitter but she left so now we’re looking for another one. We always make it back for kids’ bedtime routines.
We try to mix up our date nights so it’s not just sitting across from each at a restaurant (we also see each other all day most days due to WFH…) – we’ve done an escape room type thing, a brewery, going to a movie, or even just going to the mall.
EDAnon says
Pretty much the same (including kids ages), except no local family. We have two sitters we use and usually one of them is available.
GCA says
No specific schedule; maybe once a month or once every couple of months on a Saturday night. Kids are 7 and 4; sitter is kid 2’s daycare teacher. We usually go out to dinner – the last time was a night out with another couple to celebrate one of their birthdays, and we might do boardgames with the same friends next. Otherwise, it’s usually just a restaurant we want to try + bookstore and coffee afterwards.