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Anon says
Anyone want to share about siblings who are close with 2-3+ years between them?
TTC #2 is taking longer than anticipated and we’re headed down the fertility treatment road. We’ve always dreamed of 2 under 2 (everyone in our life has kids cloooose together) and that’s no longer possible. Logic me knows that siblings can be close at any spacing and there is no perfect timing etc etc. Emotion me is just really sad today.
Anon says
Sorry :(
My best friend did 2 under 2 because she was convinced it was the way to sibling besties and her kids hate each other. Like I love her and I love her kids but it’s actively uncomfortable to be at her house because of how much her kids are screaming at each other and physically fighting. I have never met two siblings who fight like those kids and while I assume it’s mostly a personality thing, I don’t think the age gap helps. Anecdotally I think 3-4 years is the optimal gap for emotional closeness.
Anonymous says
I have 3. There are 3.5 years between the first two and 23 months between 2 and 3. They are all thick as thieves. 3 years is a great age gap!
Anonymous says
FWIW my younger two were technically “toe under two” for a few weeks. Even then it was awful. Toddler was so needy and don’t understand “be quiet around baby.” The 3 year gap was much better in the younger years!
Anon says
My brother and I are three years apart. We played together daily and had normal little kid spats when we were <10, grew apart in middle school and high school, and as adults are very close. We text multiple times a week, have a couple common interests to share articles on and talk about, and have long phone conversations every 2-3 weeks. We were close enough that we had some school overlap but it wasn’t like we encroached on each others’ friends or lives too much which probably would have been a flash point in our relationship during those middle and high school years.
anon says
Hey, just wanted to share that I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Secondary infertility is a real mind trip. There are 5 years between our kids (wanted it to be closer to 3). I had a VERY hard time accepting that our kids would be spaced out further than I wanted. There was grief in that, so let yourself feel all the feels.
While 5 years is not what I would’ve chosen, now it’s hard to imagine our family any other way. Are there drawbacks to this spacing? Absolutely. But there are good things about it, too. I feel like I was really able to savor the baby stage with my youngest because we weren’t in total survival mode. Three years will give your kids the chance to have their own identities; you can avoid some of the comparisons that naturally happen when kids are spaced closer together.
Anonymous says
Two under two is the worst. That’s me and my sister and we fought every day until we both went to college. Just because everyone you know is popping them out at the rate of Hilaria Baldwin doesn’t make it the best.
Anon says
My Mom has said this as well and I agree – apart from age/fertility challenges, rate I see 2 under 2 + modern American parenting seems really incongruent.
Anne-on says
+1 – I was an ‘irish twin’ and HATED how close in age my brother was to me. I also hated having to be the mature baby sitter when I was only 20mos older. The constant refrain of my childhood was ‘you’re older, you should know better’ when I was still very young. I also felt like I never got my ‘own’ childhood experiences – lots of ‘pick something you both like to watch/do/read/eat’ vs. letting us have our own preferences. My friends with kids very close in age (twins or 2 under 2) are much more aware of this and try to give their kids their own time alone but that was not a thing in the 80s.
I’d lean into enjoying your time with a singleton – it is so much easier to really focus on one child, enjoy their stages, and even have time ‘off’ when they are with the other parent. That vanishes with a second.
Anonymous says
My brother is 18 months older than me and my mother basically warned me off of doing what she did. I’m much closer to my brother who is 6 years younger. The older one and I fought constantly, but we just helped take care of the younger one (no one ever fought with him). A lot of it is temperament and luck but I feel like i have often read that 3 years is the ideal gap.
Anon says
I’m a n of 1 but I’ve posted this before – me and my sibling are ~6 years apart. I’m older. We’re very close – like talk on some medium daily, see each other almost weekly, get annoyed at each other and call each other out.
More anecdata – All of my cousins (4 sets) have siblings 2-3 years apart, most with 2 years and while there is physical proximity/closeness with all of the siblings, my perception is the emotional closeness only exists within 2 sets of cousins (so 50% based on my perception haha), and one of the close sets are 2 sisters that are 3 years apart.
Also, your feelings are your feelings. Give yourself space to grieve what you envisioned.
Anon. says
My sister and I are 6 years apart. We weren’t particularly close when we were younger because we were in such different phases of life. Now we are close, talk regularly and did a full week of vacation together this summer.
My kids are two and a half years apart and it is amazing. I was shocked at how quickly they started playing together after the youngest was born and they are so sweet with each other. I get pictures from daycare of them kissing and hugging through the fence when they are outside for recess at the same time.
Anonymous says
OMG! It’s the BEST spacing! Super Super common in Canada! Usually people take the one year maternity leave, go back to work again for about a year or so, then get pregnant with number 2 which results in LOTS of kids that are 2/2.5/3/3.5 years apart. Like in my oldest daughter’s class, literally half the class had a younger sibling in her younger brothers’ class.
It’s so interesting how maternity leave length affects family planning. When I was a kid and maternity leave was six month long, most kids had a sibling with a two year gap or less and that is much less common now. The vibe is more than two under two is less career focused because you don’t come back after your first maternity leave to reestablish yourself before going off again.
I loved the age gap because older kid at age 3 was more independent with pottying, was happy to go to part time preschool while I was on leave, no major jealousy issues and 3 year old was on a consistent nap/night sleep schedule and teething was done. Now they get on great – age gap is just enough that as older kid is getting out of an interest (eg Harry Potter), the younger is getting into it so older kid is excited to show them stuff.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I won’t deny that maternity leave plays a role when you have 1 year, but I think a lot of the 2 under 2 is due to starting to have kids in your mid to late 30s around here, and then fertility concerns leading to a smaller gap. Or wanting more than 2 kids when you start at an older age.
ElisaR says
yes Boston Legal Eagle!
when i started having kids at 38 and i didn’t have much choice but to squeeze them in!
Anonymous says
Same. I didn’t choose it so much as I married very late and wanted kids and they just came out that way (miscarriage, pregnancy, miscarriage, pregnancy). I have a cousin who had kids 5 years apart (also not her preference) and it is also great and yet none of the friends overlap you never stop potty training (3 kids). It can all be good or bad. But middle school was the first time my kids are getting to do things separately, which at this point they really appreciate.
Boston Legal Eagle says
You’re right that there is no perfect spacing and a lot of their closeness depends more on personality than age, but it’s always hard to let go of the image of your family that you had in your mind. I think everyone goes through this in some ways, even if they have the exact number of kids/genders/age differences that they pictured, because kids are their own people and they can never “live up” to your fantasy, for better and for worse.
My kids are 2.5 years apart and finally, finally at almost 4 and 6.5, they are playing together so well and are on the same level in terms of their interests and ability to play. I know this won’t last forever, and they will have their own interests and make their own friends, but I think age gaps of 2-5 years are completely fine for them to still be close. With 5 years+, it gets a little trickier for them to be in the same stage, but the early years are just a small part of their overall relationship, and when they are older, they may become very close. And you probably know this, but bigger age gaps are helpful for parents’ wellbeing – 2 under 2 is… a lot.
anonM says
My sister and I are 4 years apart. We are very close. The gap worked well for us — we didn’t have the same friends and by the time we were on a sports team together it was my senior year and her freshman year so I was protective of her rather than competitive. We didn’t fight much either. I have 2 almost exactly 2 years apart, and while that was what worked best for us, tbh the first few months were really hard. As someone else said, it is more survival mode.
Leatty says
I’m sorry!
My kids (ages 5 and 2) are 3 years and 2 months apart and are super close. My oldest loves to mother her younger brother, and the age gap has meant that she can help when he’s needed something (a dropped pacifier, a baby food pouch, an easy snack, a change of clothes). She was also old enough to understand she needed to be gentle with the baby, to keep small toys away from him, etc. They are also close enough in age that they play together constantly and generally enjoy the same types of outings. It’s the best.
I have friends and relatives with kids who are <2 years apart, and I definitely found my age gap to be easier than their experiences.
Pogo says
Echoing others to just give yourself space to grieve what you envisioned for your family. I also wanted mine a bit closer and even thought I knew we’d be doing IVF again, still took way longer than anticipated (insurance, delays with the doctor, my ovaries being terrible at their job, etc). So mine are almost exactly 3 years apart, and I love it (so far! who knows about the future). They are very cute together, but they also love all the same things and fight constantly, so part of me wonders what it would be like to have them further apart or different genders – maybe it would be “easier”!
Anecdata, DH and his brother are I think 5 years apart. His brother was even out of the house starting in high school (he boarded) so it’s not like they spent all their childhood being super close. And today they are the BEST friends. Agree with everything others have said that closeness is not about age but interests, personality, etc.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and it’s ok to feel the way you feel.
I am infertile. We adopted our first when he was 20 months and wanted to immediately foster again, but then Covid happened. So he and my twins (also adopted) are 4.5 years apart. They’re all young so they still fight sometimes, but the twins generally think my oldest hung the moon. He’s also just such a good, empathetic big brother. He helped me a lot when they were infants: bringing diapers and stuff. Today I’m really thankful for how it all worked out, but I definitely haven’t always felt that way.
There was a year where I thought we were going to be one and done not by choice and I was so, so sad about it. Then the first year with the twins was super hard, and I was anxious and depressed about how hard that was. All that to say: being a parent is hard and it’s ok to be sad or mourn what will never be. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
Anon says
I’m the eldest of 3 and have two younger brothers – 2 years younger and 4 years younger than me, respectively. We were all close growing up, but I’ve always been closer to the youngest one. Even now, we text multiple times per week and talk regularly, whereas the one with the 2 year age gap it’s more like a few times a year.
Anon says
My kids are 4.5 years apart! The younger is still a baby but his big sibling absolutely loves him and is so proud to show him off to everyone, including random strangers we pass on the street. He lights up when she comes in the room and she can call him down just by sitting next to him or singing a little song. I had wanted a much smaller age gap but that didn’t happen for various reasons. Now I can’t imagine it any other way. Best of luck.
Anonymous says
My mom and her sister are 3.5 years apart and they are literal best friends for life. I am 4 years apart from my sister and we do not have that relationship, though we love each other very much. My husband and his sisters (who are twins) are 5 years apart and are very close. It has a lot more to do with your kids’ personalities than it does with the spacing IMO. One of my best friends is incredibly close with her sister who is 12 years younger than her, even!
My 2 kids are spaced 3.5 years apart because of a similar circumstance as you. I had 2 miscarriages, including an ectopic pregnancy, on my route to have our 2nd baby. If the first pregnancy would’ve stuck, my kids would have been exactly 2 years apart. I had some sadness about that, but ultimately I think 3.5 years age difference is great :)
Anonymous says
My husband’s best friend is his brother, who is 3.5 years older than him. They weren’t super close growing up (he has another brother that is 6 years older), but they are 100% best friends now, despite living on opposite coasts, and it’s really nice to see.
My brother and I are 18 months apart, and we are not nearly as close as my husband and his brother (I think that’s personality more than spacing though).
anon says
Just coming here to say it’s really and truly ok to be sad about this, and it’s ok to be sad about this for more than today. I’m at a point where a cousin has had two children in the time that I’m trying to have our second, and I’m still sad about it. Screw logic.
anon says
Been there. It sucks. I am not proud of this, but there was a time when I cried every time someone announced they were having a second, third, or fourth kid. Especially oopsie situations. I didn’t do this in front of them, of course, but a pregnancy announcement would wreck my day. Secondary infertility is just really, really hard.
Anon says
I have kids with a few different age gaps – my oldest and third currently share a room and play together with a four year age gap (7 and 3 right now) and it’s so sweet. I think the payoff might take a little longer – but not that much longer – but it’ll still be great!
Deedee says
I just want to validate that this sounds hard.
I am 2.5 years from sib and always thought that closer in age meant closer emotionally. However, I just wanted to share a recent conversation I had with a new acquaintance that changed my mind. She is mid 20s and 7 and 9 years older than her two younger brothers. I was surprised to hear that they are super close. When she learned to drive, she took them to their sports practices and they look up to her for advice on school, college, etc. because they have some critical distance/no sense of competition with her. She is in a 2 person book club with one of her brothers (at his suggestion!!) so that they can stay connected from different states! Hearing about her family really warmed my heart and helped me believe that kids can have an amazing sibling relationship regardless of age gap.
Seafinch says
I really think the obsession with two year age gaps is really uniquely America. You don’t see it elsewhere. I have four and the gaps are 3, 2.5, and 3. My kids are extremely tight, including the 11 and 3 year olds, with each other. The family dynamic and personalities is what determines closeness and while I couldn’t control my gaps due to a recurrent pregnancy loss, each new baby has been a wonderful, bucolic experience and there has never been even a moment of adjustment, resentment, difficult transition, etc. I never had two in diapers or conflicting nap schedules and the former youngest was nicely independent and easy. It has been extremely civilized.
Seafinch says
And just want to say, I apologize if I sounded flippant about the infertility. I was just focusing on the age gaps, Secondary infertility is absolutely awful and feel free to grieve not having the life you envisioned. It’s been hard for me to accept it didn’t look like I always dreamed, 7 miscarriages have sucked the joy out at times.
Anonymous says
My brother is 3.5 years and we are extremely close as middle aged adults, and always have been.
Anonymous says
I’m closer to the sister who’s 14 years younger than I am to the sister who’s 2 years younger.
Anon says
My kids are 28 months apart and get along pretty well. They’re only 2.5 & 4.5 and different genders, so it’s tough to tell if they’ll be lifelong besties but they do seem to enjoy each other’s company.
FWIW, my sister and I are 18 months apart and didn’t truly start getting along until adulthood. We have very different personalities, so being so close in age was actually harder on our relationship. I wish we had a bigger age gap as kids, because I think it would have been easier on both of us.
Anonymous says
My daughter is 7 and is obsessed with her friend’s 2 year old brother and is constantly asking if we can bring him home with us. My sister and I are 5 years apart and played together as kids (though not as equals) and are close as adults. My ex husband and his brother were 20 months apart and never got along and were not on speaking terms by the time they became adults.
Vicky Austin says
My sisters and I are spaced with just under 3 years between each of us, and they are my best friends and so dear to me. Wishing you the best!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
My 21-month-old (doesn’t feel “almost 2” quite yet!) definitely has words and a few phrases – still very toddler talk-y, but it’s there. However, he and a few others in his class at preschool aren’t talking in school. He’s been in this school/class for ~1 month so it is on the newer side. He’s also the youngest – his class has a lot of 2.5+ kids.
I’m more curious than concerned – does anyone have any experience with this?
Anonymous says
I mean, it’s daycare tho. He’s not even two, he’s not in school, and he has language.
Anonymous says
My daughter was almost 3 when she started daycare. She apparently didn’t talk there for months. She was talking constantly at home, so I actually didn’t even know she wasn’t talking at daycare except for catching her teacher being very excited when she said a word or two. I obviously wasn’t worried about language because she spoke in full paragraphs at home, but I was worried about her anxiety/fear that was leading her to be so reserved at daycare. This was like 6 months in, though, I definitely did not worry after just a month or two! She eventually opened up once some of the kids started to encourage her to play with them. Helping her have confidence to initiate play and feel comfortable in new environments is still something we are working on now at almost 4.
Atlien says
My daughter really didn’t have the language “explosion” until right around 21 months (had about 7 words/signs before that and I was seeking early intervention). Even still, she was always mum at daycare. She’d been there for like 6 mos before one of the teachers said they even saw a smile for the first time. So he’s probably just watching and absorbing!
Anon says
My now 7 year old didn’t talk in school until she was 3.5 even though she never stopped talking at home. She’d ask a teacher to use the bathroom but that was it. I was kind of shockd when I found out at the end of her three year old year. But then in a new class she really opened up and it was fine. I wouldn’t worry about it at all.
Vicky Austin says
You’ve reminded me that I didn’t talk in school for the first month or more of kindergarten. (And I’d gone to in-home daycare before that, so it wasn’t like I’d never socialized!)
Anonymous says
My 2-year-old is chatty at home and with friend but pretty quiet around new people. If he’s only been in the class for about a month, I wouldn’t worry about him not talking much at school. He’s probably still trying to figure things out.
Leatty says
Can we talk fall/winter shoes for kids? I’m a transplant to the DC area, and we’ve never had to deal with cooler temperatures with kids. My kids are 5 and 2. My kids are picky about shoes, so whatever I buy needs to be comfortable.
Suggestions?
Boston Legal Eagle says
In DC, they can probably wear sneakers year round – there’s likely not much of a need for true winter snow shoes, right? I would suggest a pair of sneakers that they like and a good pair of rain boots. Bogs is good for rain boots (and also good for snow boots).
anon says
My kids have a pair of sneakers, same as always, plus a pair of boots for when it’s wet and nasty.
Anon says
YMMV, but my always runs warm kid in the DMV wears sneakers (or, TBH crocs, the kid doesn’t mind cold feet) most of the year. Rain boots get a lot of use (we like the totes cirrus ones because they are so lightweight) and then I usually pick up a pair of cat and jack winter boots on sale for around $25 that are insulated with rubber lug soles (Toddler Denver or now Kids Kit for big kid sizes). I like to buy them in a big enough size that they can last two seasons, since they get worn maybe 5-10 days all year.
Anonymous says
I’m in Boston, and my kids are all girls. We do sneakers (two pairs- casual and gym type sneaks), booties, and one other fun shoe. Also in the winter we do Uggs or similar.
Oldest has brown faux suede ankle boots, middle has hot pink doc martens, youngest has pink sparkily cowboy boots. Ankle coverage is good as the weather cools.
Anonymous says
I would do whatever sneakers you like, cheap rain boots, and cheap snow boots. The snow boots won’t get used much but when it snows you will probably want them, especially for the 5 year old, as kids usually love playing in the snow. The Dick’s Sporting Goods knock-off Bogs are pretty cheap and serviceable; for the 2 year old I used to swear by Kamik’s Snowbug boots, which are relatively easy to get on.
Anon says
We wear the same sneakers year round. We also get Bogs for rain/snow/mud.
ElisaR says
we had a great experience last winter w/ LL Bean shoes that were waterproof. My kindergartener loved running through everything and they kept his feet dry but they are real shoes that look almost like sneakers/hiking shoes.
Anonymous says
For DS I just buy Cat & Jack sneakers every six months or so in the next size up.
Anonymous says
If you’re in the DC area I suggest Shoe Train for kids shoes. It’s a small business and they fit your kids properly.
We wear sneakers year round, they will need snow shoes (before it snows!) and possibly rain boots. There’s a lot for sale locally on Facebook marketplace or you can check out Kid2Kid in Rockville for consignment. We buy Bogs (on sale or used) for snow. Oaki or Bogs rain boots. But we’re outdoorsy, one kid goes to an outdoor school. I bought the See Kai Run Atlas II boots for my one kid who is ALWAYS wet. They are sneaker like, but warm and waterproof. The older kid is less likely to jump in puddles.
Anon says
i realize this has been discussed many many times, and i tried to search and got a post from 2017, which honestly was fun to read and see some people who are still commenting, and someone was very excited about being able to wfh two days a week. anyway – backpacks and sizes – LLBean vs. Pottery Barn Kids vs. Lands End. Quality? what size do you need for kindergarten? I figure now that we are a bit into the school year people might have more info to share (i’m thinking ahead to next year already when my twins start K)
CCLA says
My K-er has an LL Bean one, and anecdotally most of her class seems to have either that or a PB one. I think we have the regular book bag size (not junior, but not the larger one…this just has one large main pocket, plus the front one for pencils etc.). It looks comically large on her but does seem to be the requisite size to fit everything (folder, spare clothes, lunchbox).
Kmom says
Exactly this! I originally bought the LL Bean junior and it was too small, sent back for the original and we love it for K so far.
Lunchbox rec that you didn’t ask for – PackIt – freezer overnight with some bento style lunchbox inside has been a hit too and fits fine in the backpack. Would also recommend a snack bag from PackIt.
Anon says
My K-er also the “original” size and it woks great for her.
Anonymous says
My kindergartener saw a Pokémon backpack at Walmart and had to have it. I had planned to get a PB or LLB one but this does the trick. It came with a matching lunch box. It’s comically huge on him, but some second graders have the same one and he thinks that’s cool so there’s no going back now. I will say he needs a change of clothes, rain jacket, lunch box, extra snack, water bottle, work folder and if he didn’t wear sneakers every day I’d have to pack those: so what you need adds up quickly. I was used to day care who would hold extra clothes for me and had water if we forgot. I’m also surprised at our affluent school how many kids have Walmart backpacks. Totally not throwing shade I was just surprised.
Pogo says
Similarly, my Ker wanted a backpack with “trucks on it”. None of the big names had something that fit the bill so I searched on Amazon for one that was highly reviewed and it is surprisingly good quality (which is what the reviews said). Their teacher suggested a larger backpack than you think they need because of the all the stuff they have to fit and if its too small “they get frustrated and it takes forever to get them all packed up” (I can believe it, lady… I can’t get two kids out of the door, let alone 25).
anon says
Lands End backpacks have reportedly gone downhill in quality, so I would steer clear there.
We have had both LL Bean and PBK, and have been very happy with both. I will say that the PBK fabric gets stained and ratty-looking much faster than the Bean backpacks, which are indestructible. The Original book pack will be somewhat big on a kindergartener, but you can’t go much smaller or a folder won’t fit/they won’t use it for long. For our younger kid, we did the smaller PBK Mackenzie backpack for K and 1st grade and finally upgraded sizes (Bean Deluxe) for 2nd grade. She’s still using the small Mackenzie for non-school things.
Anon says
PBK seems to have mini, small, large and XL. when you say the smaller PBK to you mean ‘small’? i am also thinking of something my kids can maybe use to carry on an airplane?
anon says
Yes, the small.
Anonymous says
My kids each had LLBean regular size for kindergarten. They are tough. They are like new still and the kids are in 3rd and 5th grade.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My kids have LLBean and I think they’re great. They seem pretty durable, and there are lots of different designs to choose from. For K, you can get the Original or the Jr. – my kid had the Jr. and it was big enough, but if your kids will be carrying a lot, or you want one that will last K-5 for example, you may want to go straight to the Original.
Anonymous says
I like Lands End because they have a chest strap, which keeps the shoulder straps on, and they are pretty affordable. The quality has been sufficient for my son to use them until he outgrew them, although I most recently bought one last year.
Anon says
Not impressed with PBK. My son’s started fraying around the zipper after only a year.
OP says
sounds like LL Bean is the winner! Out of curiosity, since the PBK one comes in so many cute prints, what size would you recommend for a prek kid to carry through the airport and maybe also use for K? i’m ok if it only lasts for a year or so. they seem to have a mini and a small? and then will probably get them the LLBean one next. This will probably be a holiday or bday gift from a family member which is why i’m asking now
anon says
Get the small. The mini is TINY.
ElisaR says
+1
Anonymous says
Not what you asked but all 3 of mine have had a small backpack from Target for $15 and they hold up well and my 18 month old twins can carry them through the airport. And by “can” I mean they insist on doing this themselves. Since it’s a gift you probably want to splurge a little but this is a budget option.
DLC says
We have had LL Bean and Lands End over the years. LL Bean is sturdier fabric, which I like. Lands End has a chest clip and a wider selection of patterns which my kids prefer
We’ve also done the character backpack from Target, but they never last- another mom friend gave me the tip of buying two identical ones to start so you avoid tears when the first one gets a big hole in it. The character ones made my kids so happy that I thought it was worth it for kindergarten.
My other tip is buy them end of July/early August- the options really dwindle by mid August.
H13 says
We have a PBK large and it has worked every year K-4th for us. Looks new.
anon says
I need to process this somewhere, and I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or commiseration.
DH and I have made a concerted effort to not over-program our kids. They take lessons and have been on sports teams, but we’ve never taken it to the next level, nor have our kids expressed any interest in being on select teams or super-intense activities. Even so, we feel plenty busy with the minimal activities the kids are in. So, yay us, we’ve done what’s best for our family.
Well, there is a side effect to being chill about kids’ activities. I envy how these super-sporty families have a built-in social network that we completely lack. I guess that’s bound to happen when kids have multiple practices per week, tournaments on the weekend, etc. Despite having older kids, I feel so disconnected from other parents. I know a handful of their friends’ parents, of course, but our lives don’t meaningfully overlap in any way.
Most of our close friends have gone the intense activity route with their kids, so we don’t even see them anymore! They don’t have time and are never around. So much for giving our family time and space to enjoy family and friends. I guess I can’t help feeling disappointed that this is how things have turned out. I feel like we’re lacking community in many ways, even though our kids have been at the same schools forever, we go to church, and we at least TRY to have our kids do things. Older kid is much more involved in music than sports, which is awesome. But I don’t know the other parents at all; we only see each other at end-of-the-semester performances.
It probably doesn’t help that our kids do before/after school programs because we work, so it’s not like we get that camaraderie from standing in the pickup line or whatever.
IDK. I have become lonely and isolated. I work, and I raise kids. I honestly had better relationships with my friends during Covid because the activities just came to a halt, and everyone had more time, whether it was for a Zoom call or hanging out in the driveway.
Am I idealizing what other parents have? Or have we screwed ourselves over by not following the crowd?
Anon says
How old are your kids?
Anon says
i am dealing with this too in a different way. i have twin girls, and they are in a boy heavy grade and most of the boy moms are much nicer and open to making new friends than the girl moms due to various life circumstances. my kids are only 4 and it is already a problem. last spring the boys all played on a baseball team together, so the parents were hanging out 2+ times a week. my girls get invited to playdates and i get invited to things must less frequently than all the boy moms.
anon says
OP here. Interesting you mention that. We had the opposite problem: lots of girls whose moms were organizers, and far fewer boys. And those moms, for whatever reason, were far less friendly than the girl moms. It also happened to be an unusually small class. All that meant that we never got “in” with the boy parents in his grade level.
Anon says
sounds like we need to switch situations! but proof of how much of this is just luck
Anonymous says
I feel this too. My son is adamantly opposed to sports and most activities, and I really feel like I need some kind of built in social activity that I don’t have to try to organize every weekend. I think the answer is probably for me to take my own class or something, but I wish it could be a family thing. We did badger him into trying out scouts this year – Baden Powell Scouts in this case – which I am hoping will provide some connection/community on camping trips.
anon says
OP here. I hope Scouts works out for you. If so, that can be a great community to tap into. My son did Scouts when he was younger but it was unfortunately very disorganized and not very fun as a result. There has thankfully been a leadership change since then, but he has zero interest in trying again, and I can’t say I blame him. It was … pretty bad.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I hear what you’re saying. I’m seeing it already among some of my kids’ friends’ parents and my kid is only in first grade. A lot of his friends do multiple sports at a time, with some practices 4x/week, and multiple games. It would stress me (and him) out to have to make him get up at 5am on a Saturday to get to hockey, and I think the other parents are stressed too, but then we end up in a situation where we can’t just do casual playdates during the weekend as everyone is at their multiple practices/games, or you have to schedule way in advance. And the other parents become closer as they see each other more often. It’s hard to hear things like, just let your kid wander around the neighborhood free range style when no one else is just out in the neighborhood anymore… Who are they supposed to play with? It’s really really hard to not give in to this intense schedule parenting, even though I agree that it’s best for our family to not be overscheduled.
So I have no advice, as my kids are still little, but commiseration. I think there are some parents who thrive being on the go all the time, and driving kids everywhere and eating dinner in the car, but I know that’s not me. And some parents just get pulled into this world, and it’s hard to stop when your kid starts getting really involved.
anon says
I appreciate the commiseration. Our family would NOT thrive with being on the go all the time, hence why we’ve made these choices. I know some families do, and we are not those people. But it sucks that it means we’ve essentially cut ourselves off from having a social life (and our kids, too).
Anon says
Just chiming in that we’re feeling this too (though my kids are still pretty young). They’re 4 (twins) and most of the kids in their school have activities most weekdays and on the weekend. That’s not right for us, but as you said, it leaves us out of the cliques.
Anonymous says
My kids do a lot and we just carpool. I have 3 kids and we naturally found like minded parents in forming carpools.
Anon says
You’re not wrong about sports practices/games – but then your kids get old enough that they get drafted on to teams and aren’t necessarily with friends so that goes away. It’s also grade dependent.
I wouldn’t romanticize school pickup. I’ve done both – nanny picking up and me picking up – and I’ve never formed meaningful connections from drop off or pick up. Especially as kids get older, I don’t think that’s where you’re missing out.
I deal with this a bit with one grade – I have a kid who’s just not that social. I think you kind of have to come to terms with this is who your kids are. Would it be great if my kid was making close friendships with kids whose parents I liked? Yes, but that’s not how it’s shaking out right now.
Anne-on says
First, I’m sorry. I am also one of a very few working parents at my sons school and often feel like I’m out of the loop on things because of that.
Second – can you separate out these feelings into what YOU feel (sad you don’t have more adult friends) and what your kids may feel (are they sad? do they feel like they want to start focusing more on a specific hobby or do they appreciate the downtime?). My kid is also pretty lightly scheduled but that’s by both his and our preference. It is simply hard to make and maintain friendships as an adult. I’d start to focus more time and energy on that if you can (especially as your kids get older) and look into folks other than school parents if possible?
Pogo says
What about your family sports/activities? For example, we bike together a lot as a family and mountain biking in particular is very communal. Or hiking. etc. – that way you can do the activity as a family AND with other families at the same time.
I feel you, because as just stated, we are not into typical soccer/dance/gymnastics which is common for my kids’ ages. But I like that we do sports together and it’s something we can all enjoy.
anon says
Well — DH, daughter, and I all love hiking and biking and will happily do those things together. Our older kid, however, haaaates it. Like he will grudgingly go along with it, but you can tell that he is really not having a good time or want to be there. It’s hard. So I find myself organizing those activities less, even though 3/4 is still pretty good. I need to think about how to balance this with stuff he’d actually enjoy, like the trampoline park.
Anon says
What about a family activity that grows with you guys? We have some friends who have super active kids, and as they have gotten older, the sports commitment has only gotten stronger. But our city has lots of other clubs that could provide a community – you probably just have to be way more “into” it than some. We have a local kayaking group that is close knit, and our church has service opportunities. I’ve found that these clubs have lots of “sometimes” members, and then there is a core group that is really close. I think you would just need to find to find an activity that you like, and really lean into participation and hosting. I don’t think you can really have the community aspect unless you really commit to engaging with the group. I have one good friend who doesn’t care to be big into sports or organized activities, but she cultivates a community by agreeing to host dinner for a small service group at her church on a very regular basis. It took time, but after like a year of regular gatherings (doing the service activity and having regular dinners), she is now close knit with them. Whether it’s activities or something else, I don’t think you get that closeness unless you really throw yourself into the activity.
Anon says
I’m not sure sports is a catch all solution. Speaking from experience on the kid side, it is a built in network (but so is church, etc) but sports parents can be extremely cliquey. My parents are a bit socially awkward and were never seen as “cool” by other sports parents and it affected both them and me. Not trying to imply you’re awkward but basically saying even on a sports team it takes a lot of work to fit in and be accepted, especially if it’s a sport where kids start young and parents have known each other since their oldest kids were 5ish.
I don’t know my kid’s friends parents well (we’re at the drop off play date stage) but we regularly run into them out and about around town and we’re friendly and say hi. I would feel comfortable texting them and asking for childcare in an emergency (and would definitely do the same for them). To be honest I don’t feel the need for a lot of friendships. I have close non-local friends from college who fill my close friendship bucket and as long as my kid’s social calendar is full I’m happy, and after a couple of very tough Covid years where I felt like I had NO village, we’ve gotten a village through a combination of school, play dates, birthday parties and Sunday school, no other extracurriculars. I think if you want independent friendships (hanging out without the kids around) you probably have to be very proactive about inviting people to do stuff.
Anonymous says
I asked how old your kids are but don’t see a response. Depending on the age, this may not work but…I’d recommend you or your husband volunteer to lead an activity. Whether it’s coaching a sports, leading scouts, whatever. The more DH and I got involved in programming, the stronger our circle of friends got. For one, you have a co-coach/leader. Second, you get to communicate with parents and do things in your terms (eg. If you didn’t like scouts because the leadership wasn’t great, be a leader!)
You can get involved in the PTO or perhaps a church group. I know it sounds daunting when you are working, but it can be done. My group of friends from the PTO are men and women that work a wide spectrum of very full time to part time- there is only one woman who doesn’t work and she is a big volunteer and runs several nonprofits.
Anonymous says
I see you go to church – do you volunteer? Volunteering at Sunday school or with a charity drive and then asking a family to go out to lunch, or have lunch in your home after church can be great. Volunteering on the sports team or the scouts group can work well too. We are a low activity family as well but I am aggressively friendly with other parents and invite people to do stuff/come over. I don’t wait for people to invite me. It’s a bit scary because YIKES! We all fear rejection still, right? But I invite moms I barely know for wine nights or play dates or whatever. I have more friends as a parent than I did pre-kids. We also have friends through DH’s work.
Cb says
We didn’t get fulltime aftercare and weirdly it’s been a blessing in disguise. We flex our schedules, ask for favours (and happily return the favour), etc and being at pick up once a week and going to the playpark after has been super helpful in meeting people.
Is there a place the “crunchy” families who are less likely to overschedule hang out?
Anonymous says
Most of my friends happen to be the parents of my kid’s friends/classmates/activity pals, but I only got to know them when I started participating in my own non-kid-related activities. For example, I joined an adult choir and became friends with several of the other singers my age, whose kids also happen to be in youth choir and school choir with my daughter just because choir people tend to raise choir kids and it’s a small town. I never really got to know these same people just from drop-off and pickup at kid activities.
Travel sports parents can be very clique-y and often just plain nuts.
Paging CPA Lady says
I was going through some old comment threads about Disney and saw you had a planning spreadsheet you were willing to share? If it’s still relevant in a post-covid world, I’d love a copy! hsalrette@ the google.
Anonymous says
Bday presents for a 9 year old girl? $25-$50 range.
And/or what was your same-age daughter’s fave present?
anon says
Tie dye kit! Together with a nice white T-shirt or other fun garment to dye.
Anxious says
I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and for some reason, I’m getting very anxious about a late term still birth. No clue why, this pregnancy has been very uneventful and I’ve been keeping up on my kick count. There has never been a concern from that perspective. Any tips for directing my focus elsewhere? Should I ask doctor for an extra ultrasound to look at baby? I’m not sure why or where this is coming from and I’m not usually an anxious person…
anon says
You could ask to be induced at 39 weeks. It’s becoming relatively standard practice to offer that, as the risk of stillbirth increases after 40 weeks.
Aon says
Disagree that offering an induction at 39 weeks is standard practice.
(Although I was induced at 40+1 b/c of being older and having done IVF, which does seem to be standard practice in my area – they don’t like you to go past due date).
Anon says
It’s a fairly recent thing. It’s become very common in the last few years. Especially if you’ve had a previous vaginal birth the risks of induction are low.
Anonymous says
It became standard practice during Covid in my area, in part due to the ARRIVE study, and probably in part due to wanting to have a better handle on patient numbers when they didn’t know who’d be out because of an exposure on any given day. I had to push back on that pretty hard. Friends in other states have had similar experiences in the past 2ish years.
AwayEmily says
I asked to be induced at 39 weeks (I was over 40 and had similar worries, plus I had needed Pitocin with my earlier kids, so I knew my body responded fine to it). They wouldn’t do it til I hit 40 weeks, but I was in the hospital getting induced the day after my due date. I’m very glad I did.
Anon says
It’s pretty standard for women >=35 to have the option of induction at 39 weeks, I thought it was for all women.
OP, I would definitely bring it up with your OB so they can determine if any additional tests are indicated; it’s highly likely that everything will be fine, but worth the discussion to have more peace of mind.
Anonymous says
Where is this standard practice? I thought the recommendation was at least 40 weeks? From friends in Europe, it’s 41 weeks and very hard to get induced before that.
A says
You may want to get a consult for PPD in case this is a sign — it’s so much easier to have someone already lined up if needed.
Deedee says
Has anyone here negotiated for a longer maternity leave? I’m still in the first tri but already dreading a short 12 weeks with babe. I work for an FMLA eligible employer that provides 6 weeks paid. I would really like to take 24 weeks, even if the additional 12 weeks were unpaid. What REALLY chafes is that I work remotely from a state that provides up to 20 paid weeks and I think 24 job protected weeks (NJ), but my employer is in a state that doesn’t. Unfortunately I work in higher ed where flexibility is not common. (Though, if you’ve been in higher ed, you know it’d take well over 3 months to refill my position…)
I would love insights and experiences from you all. I know my rep would take a hit and my job wouldn’t be legally protected, but I am a longtime employee with a generally great boss & grandboss who’ve gone to bat for me before. Is this even worthwhile raising the issue or are the downsides too great? Trying to get my thoughts in order well before I have to decide.
Anonymous says
You might call an attorney or even your state office of human rights to determine whether the state law provisions apply to you. It just depend on factors like how many employees from your employer work remotely in your state, but there’s a chance you’d be covered.
Pogo says
My understanding is that this is the case. I am in MA, my employer is not, but MA paid family leave still applies to me. My HR got confused and sent me the NY documents, and I had to be like, nope, the other liberal east coast state where you dont have many employees :D
Deedee says
Interesting. I will be sure to vet this thoroughly on your recommendations, but I believe I am still classified as an employee in my employer’s HQ state. I know that state is where my state taxes/disability insurance are paid in.
anon says
Are you sure your employer is doing things correctly?
I’ve never heard of a state or country that doesn’t claim jurisdiction for both taxes and employment law over employees who are regularly physically located in their state/country while working.
I have heard of plenty of employers that cut corners because dealing with taxes and employment laws in multiple jurisdictions is a big hassle.
Anonymous says
There is something called “convenience of the employer” that could be why taxes are being paid to your employer’s home state, but my very limited understanding of that is that it doesn’t replace what you are entitled to but rather is a way for the employer home state to ensure it receives taxes (I could be wrong). Definitely worth a serious look into though!
Deedee says
anon @ 2:16: I am not 100% sure my employer is doing things correctly! I believe I’m the only employee located in my state; I moved here for family reasons recently. We have other employees who’ve made similar OOS moves, but I’m not aware of any who have done so and taken leave in states with different/more generous leave coverage. I will reach out to the NJ family leave office and/or an advocacy group to see if I can get clarity on this before I have to have conversations with my employer.
Anon. says
Or perhaps even start with your HR team? I am not an employment lawyer specifically but my understanding is that in most states, employment laws apply based on where the employee sits. Tax laws are more complicated, there are thresholds etc. But you should be entitled to the statutory benefits of the state you are in.
Anon says
I’ve taken extra (unpaid) leave. Ask your boss! Unless they’re a complete sociopath, they won’t fire you for asking. Most people understand that more time off for a baby is desirable. Cannot advise about the legal situation but definitely bring it up.
Anonymous says
This is what I did, and I actually asked while I was already on leave. I knew that at 10 weeks there was no way I was prepared to be competent at my job in the next two weeks, so I told my boss that I was taking another month. Not that I’d recommend going this route, but I knew that there was no way they’d replace me and bring someone new up to speed in that amount of time.
Anon says
I’m in higher ed, not law though. I work for a public university and I think generally there’s more flexibility at private universities because a lot of our policies come from state government. My university officially allows employees to take up to 4 weeks of unpaid personal leave (separate from parental leave and other forms of leave like vacation leave and sick leave) but in practice I have never heard of anyone using it to extend a parental leave and I think it would be super duper frowned upon.
A couple of other thoughts:
1) Is this your first? I also had a great boss who went to bat for me, and I was surprised how much my pregnancy and birth changed things. Some of it was well-intentioned but still harmful (taking me off interesting projects because he thought it would be too much for me) and some of it was just straight up unfair (negative comments appearing out of nowhere in reviews). Not trying to be a negative nelly, but pregnancy and motherhood discrimination is REAL and I would not do anything to bring on more of it unless I absolutely had to. You’re very unlikely to get 24 weeks off, even with some of it unpaid (unless there is a state law that applies to you as discussed above). 12 weeks vs 14 weeks with the babe isn’t really going to make a difference to you, but people will remember the special treatment of unpaid leave forever, no matter how brief it was. Ask yourself whether or not it’s really worth it.
2) I was surprised by how easy it was to go back at 12 weeks. Granted, I had a bit of a unicorn situation (baby was home with her dad, I was only in the office 8 hours and could choose when those 8 hours were as long as I was there roughly 10-3) but it was not hard. It got much harder for me to go to work and leave my daughter as she got closer to a year old and got more interactive. So consider whether or not this is really the right time to take additional leave, even if it is an option.
Deedee says
I appreciate the honest advice. Your first point is what weighs on me most heavily. I am in a performance driven job, so ramp up and down will already take a toll on my outputs well before and after leave. I will be FT WFH (with approx 4-6 days per month of travel) when I return to work so it may not be as stressful as I’m imagining. You’re right that this is my first. Thanks again.
Classmate Birthdays says
We are now in elementary school and have classmate birthday parties for 6 year olds. Went to one this past weekend and I couldn’t believe how little parents interacted with each other. I’m hoping to be friendly with the other parents – any suggestions? Also what is the typical price people usually spend on a gift for the classmate I was trying to stick with around $25 but wanted to gauge what others experience has been like. These are the first parties b/c of Covid so it’s exciting!
Boston Legal Eagle says
$25 sounds about right – we typically spend in the range of 20-30. Sometimes parents just want an hour of peace to scroll on their phones, especially if they don’t know each other. I try to be friendly at bday parties – some good topics are kids’ interests and activities (see above discussion on 4 sports – that’s how I know!)
Anon says
Coming out of the pandemic, I’m also excited for kid’s birthday parties. I just try to strike up pleasant chit chat and avoid being the one scrolling through my phone… this might be super obvious but in case it helps, here are some non intrusive ways to start a conversation: “How do you know so and so? How does your kiddo like school? That’s a cute shirt your daughter/son is wearing. Do you have anything fun planned for X upcoming holiday?” If the other person doesn’t respond with much energy, I just let it go. It helps once you start seeing a few parents at more than one event and start to recognize each other.
CCLA says
Agree with these topics, and will also add that for us since most kids were in K at the latest big party we hosted (maybe 30-35 kids, about 20 families, earlier this month), we all talked about adjusting to elementary school, what they were doing after school (activities, home, after care, etc.). As the host I made a point to talk to at least one parent from each family. I also reminded myself that the person sitting on their phone may want some peace or may want to socialize but feel overwhelmed. Definitely agree it helps to see repeat people, which just comes from showing up over and over.
I think $25 is totally reasonable. We asked for no gifts but still got a fair number, as always happens, though I think that kept the volume down as they tended to be mostly 1-2 books or a craft kit. I also tailor the present a bit…if we are one of 4 close friends invited, we’ll get something bigger and more tailored, but if we’re going to a party with the whole class I will grab a craft kit and/or books.
anon says
We had our first round of these at the beginning of this year for pre-K when kids turned 5. We did ~$20 + homemade card because the parties became EVERY weekend. Our kiddo was very into hidden picture books so we gave one of those and some twisty crayons for every kid. It was nice to decide once and be done with it IMO.
Assuming 6yo parties will start up again soon so I’ll have her pick one type of gift and that will be it for everyone.
I missed the first few parties since I was pregnant but that seemed to be where friendships formed. I always feel awkward at these so commiseration.
Anonymous says
My kid is way too young for classmate parties, but I just want to say that homemade cards are awesome. I was cleaning out my closet at my parents’ house recently and came across a bunch of cards I got for my 8th birthday. The homemade cards (including one done with some prehistoric Publisher-type program and printed on a dot matrix printer, lol!) cracked me up, and I texted pictures of them to the friends I’m still in touch with. :)
Pogo says
We do small presents so far, $15-20 and that seems common (4 and 5yo parties). I have socialized w/ the other parents quite a bit, but they’ve all been from pre-k where we are all working parents, smaller classes, etc so I felt like we all knew it each other already? Not sure how it’ll go in Kinder parties.
DLC says
I do $15-20 for a present. (Though I think I am on a lower income bracket than many folks here.)
Yeah, I’ve found that the best way to talk to other parents is to push through my awkwardness and talk to other parents. If it turns out their kid is the one that your kid always talks about, offer a phone number exchange for future playdates. FWIW- I’ve found it’s easier when people are just awkward and don’t know anyone. When you get to the point when certain parents have known each other for years and are cliquey, it feels even more sucky to be at parties.
Anon says
$15-20. My 4 year old (started final year of pre-K) had basically no parties until this month but got invited to 3 within the space of about 5 weeks.
Anonymous says
I have a 6 year old and it’s largely dropoff by that age :). I dropped my 1st grader this weekend and met another mom for coffee down the road.
On presents- for kids we know well we spend a little more. I’d say $15-30ish but totally depends. I let my kids pick out presents for their friends at Target. This past weekend our school had a book fair so I bought stuff there for the bday kiddo. Sometimes I do a gift card to the local ice cream place + token gift (more for my 8/9 year old & friends).
If you want to spend less, you could buy books at a book sale and gift them with another item. We love books as gifts! Also, my kids will often make a gift- older daughter has seed beads and makes friends a name or phrase bracelet that we package up in a fancy jewelry box.
Anon for this says
Paging lawyer moms who work for universities! I am looking into switching from real estate contract work to working for a university in a non-academia capacity. I just saw a posting for a Contracts & Negotiations Manager which requires a JD. While I do not have direct experience, I think I would enjoy and thrive in this line of work. The question is, how do I make myself marketable for these types of positions if I have worked only in law firms so far? Any tips about resume and cover letter drafting? Thanks!
best wishes! says
I’d look at exactly what this contracts group covers. If the website and posting aren’t that specific, perhaps you can see what other contract offices the university has.
Negotiating research contracts is going to involve a super specialized knowledge set. Negotiating commercial contracts is very different and probably not far from what you’ve done already.
You might want to highlight any experience you have with laws specifically applicable to the university (ie, if it’s public, have you negotiated with public bodies in your jurisdiction before? are you familiar with rules regarding federal contractors and subcontractors?)
best wishes! says
Also, see if you can understand the role of this office versus the legal office for the university. You don’t want to highlight how your legal research skills are great if the role of this office is to follow guidelines and call up the legal office if there’s a question of law.
Anon IVF says
TW infertility.
Me, again. I’m the poster who recently took a Big Job and and opted out of pursuing more fertility treatments for #2 after ~3 years and handful of MCs + an ectopic last year.
So far, I can say definitively that all the moves I’ve made were the right ones – taking the Big Job, pausing fertility treatments, taking vacations, enjoying DD as an only, doing work travel/conferences, just living. I’ve lost nearly 30 lbs with more to go… it’s actually been amazing. DH says he’s getting the old me back after 3 years since we started fertility treatments for #2, and I see that, too. DD’s behavior is vastly improved and I’m sure it’s because I’ve been happier, more patient and all-around more present.
Just very recently, however, I have been thinking about trying again. Actually, that’s not even accurate. I find myself dreaming of what my family would be like with another. Envisioning my 4 year old holding a baby. It seems to be all emotion driven. Logical me knows that I haven’t been this happy in nearly four years. And a lot of what’s been bringing me joy as of late would go away if I was pregnant and in the throes of parenthood with an infant again. The devil on my shoulder says that I’m only day dreaming of this because I have this clarity/happiness for the first time in a long time and I shouldn’t take the bait.
Part of the issue/calculus is that I have 6 genetically normal embryos on ice. We are so lucky for that. MY doctor also thinks we have the right medication cocktail down to make it work (though don’t we always?), and transfers aren’t all that taxing physically, so why not just pop one in and see what happens? Kidding, but not. On the one hand, how would I ever get through a fifth miscarriage? On the other, I’ve done it four times so what’s one more?
I turn 38 next month. It’s not a milestone, but birthdays always seem to bring about some level of reflection. I’m not sure what my actual question is other than how do I process these feelings? Has anyone had to consider something similar before? And, before you say therapy, I’ve got that covered, but it doesn’t seem to be bringing clarity to this particular question. You’ve not steered me in a bad direction so far, wise hive, so let me hear your best wisdom!
Anon says
It sounds like this is something you really want, even now that you are in a better place emotionally and physically. I know the risk of another miscarriage is scary, and I can see why this feels like a tough decision. But in your shoes I would go for it—FET really is much less draining than a full IVF cycle (IME anyway), you have genetically normal embryos, and as awful as it is, you know you can survive if something goes wrong; you’ve done it before.
Basically, I think you should do what you *want* to do even if that feels scary. Which in a way, isn’t that different from making the decision to put all of this on hold and take the promotion.
Disclaimer of course that we don’t know each other and I could be completely off base as to what you really want. And what your partner wants will obviosuly come into play as well.
Pogo says
agree that an FET is not bad, though would caution if you’ve paused you’ll have to (likely) restart everything with your insurance and your RE. So I had to go through a bunch of the testing all over again to get “cleared” to start, many of which as you recall have to be in a specific part of your cycle, which for me is a total crapshoot, so it was around 7 months from calling the RE’s office to say “I want to do another FET” to embryo in uterus.
OP says
A good thought and one I had, too, so I called my clinic yesterday to just find out what steps I’d theoretically have to take. Good news is all I need is an updated authorization. My insurance is pretty fast (< 1 week) and I'd have to prime with BC leading up to the FET process so the wait for the auth will coincide with three weeks of priming. All the blood work and scans are considered current for 9 more months so no issues until July 1, 2023 on that front. Would def be different if I wasn't actively preparing for an Aug 2022 FET that I called off in late June, which is why everything is so current.
Anon says
If you’ve already called…I think you know the answer. Future you wants you to keep moving forward with the process, taking it one step at a time. Good luck!
anon says
Agreed it sounds like your feelings are telling you something — that you aren’t quite done yet. And yeah, fets are physically much less draining, though the ultimate am I/am I not is the same emotional cliff. Though personally I think fets have so many fewer checkpoints — retrieval, maturation, fertilization, etc. etc. — that it feels like a lighter emotional lift. Would it work for you to decide to do one transfer without deciding now whether you are going to stop completely if it doesn’t take, or transfer all six one after another? Both of those are hard calls to make, so maybe it’s easier to say “we will transfer one early next year, and we will see what happens, and then we will decide what to do next if we need to.” Biting off one fet cycle just seems like it could be easier to get your arms around at this point.
Anon says
I agree with what everyone says but the miscarriages weren’t of genetically normal embryos, were they? If so and if you haven’t already, it might be worth talking to anther RE as a second opinion before going forward. Sometimes a doctor will get stuck in a protocol when it’s not working.
OP says
Yup, they were. All normal. All FETs and MCs were with Old RE. After the ecoptic last year I switched REs. I’ve done a retrival with new RE plus a number of additional diagnostic tests and procedures to make my uterus as receptive as possible for a new FET. New RE thinks old RE went way too aggressive on the meds for far too long, to your point. DD was conceived via IUI, meaning my body reacted to minimal intervention and happily got pregnant. Old RE (who did the IUI) went straight to a fully medicated FET and my body hated it. New RE wants to do a partially medicated FET, let me body “lead” so to speak and expects a much stronger, happier response from my uterus.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I think of your posts so often, OP. I’m thrilled to hear you are LIVING. Whatever you decide, coming from the place you have worked so hard to get to, it will be the right decision for you and yours.
And if you want permission from this internet stranger – go for it.
Seafinch says
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I can relate. I have had seven miscarriages (six between 10-13 weeks, one at six weeks), and I have taken time off from trying and needed to. I also felt exactly like you say above, what is one more loss at this point if I really want the baby? I had reconciled myself to have 2-3 miscarriages a year until menopause. I’m now 14.5 weeks pregnant. It’s wonderful and terrifying. I won’t do it again, I have mentally hit the wall of how long I am able to do this and if this doesn’t stick, I will move on and embrace the reality. Like you, I had visions of this next baby. Therapy doesn’t help. I couldn’t turn it off, I experience a lot of joy and peace when we have a new baby and I even relish the sickness of the pregnancy. But maybe you can turn it off? I think it just depends on where the spectrum you are and how miserable the process makes you. I don’t think you can rationalize the right answer. It’s a deeply personal feeling.
Anon says
Another kid bday party question.. parties are not drop-off unless specified, right? My kid is 4.5, but the birthday kid is turning 6 (former preschool classmate now in K). We do mostly drop off play dates (I tell parents they can drop off or stay, whichever they prefer, and most leave).
Anonymous says
Parties are assumed to be drop-off after a certain age. Where we live it was first grade.
Anonymous says
In our area drop off playdates started around 4-5 and drop off birthday parties around 6-7. I think the difference is the number of kids. Ratio of kids to adults is just different at a playdate vs birthday party.
Anonymous says
Do you want to drop off? Ask parents in advance if you aren’t sure.
Do you want to stay? It’s fine.
I have kids 4-9 and all parties are assumed dropoff but if parents want to stay it’s fine! It’s rare for my 9 y/o but every once in a while there’s one parent who brings like 4 kids and stays and drops them all home.
NYCer says
I don’t think the invites necessarily (or at least always) specify drop-off or not. In my experience, I think it is generally assumed starting in about first grade. For K, it is more of a gray area – I would probably just ask the other parent when I RSVP.
NYCer says
I meant generally assumed to be drop off starting in first grade.
Anon says
Ugh we are in the throes of HFM with my almost 4 year old (her younger sister got it but had only mild symptoms). We are on day 3 of severe mouth/tongue pain. She wakes up crying at night from the pain. We are keeping her fed and hydrated (thanks mac n cheese, milk and ice cream…ugh) but it’s a struggle every meal. Advil/tylenol doesn’t seem to help much but we’re giving it around the clock on schedule. How long will this last? Seeing her in so much pain is excruciating for us, not to mention how it must feel to her. She is very picky so not many options for food, and she won’t let us apply anything topical like mylanta to her tongue. This is the worst week of parenting I’ve ever had.