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Anon says
How do you guys do Christmas gifts/Santa? Or Christmas traditions in general? My kid is almost 3 and this is the first year where we’ve really been thinking through stuff, so I want to hear all the details please! Number of gifts, how you throw them off the scent, what’s in the stocking, what you leave out for him to eat etc etc, whatever you want to share!
Cb says
Ours is complicated b/c we celebrate in Portugal and Santa brings a bigger gift (scooter, bike, big lego set). What we’ve historically done is have an early Christmas with a visit from Santa and a family meal, but I had double booked us this year and we had a Christmas party on Sunday AM (hosted 20 people for cinnamon rolls, hot chocolate, apple cider). The last remaining guests were on decoy duty and had my son walk them partway home while I “took a nap”. And presents were there when he returned. We just do 1-2 things from Santa, I want credit for the good stuff.
When I was a kid, Santa did stocking and a few unwrapped presents (Santa is much too busy to wrap) but it gets complicated with our travel. Apparently, Santa is bringing a boogie board, thoughts and prayers for me joining him in the Atlantic to test it out.
I worry less about the subterfuge and more about the fun… when I woke up from my nap, I said I heard someone asking if the cat had been good that year….
AIMS says
Yeah, this may be unpopular but we never worry about doing Santa too well because I want my kids to be able to use their critical thinking and reasoning skills successfully and if they are asking good questions, I only push back so much. Obviously that’s different with a 3 year old as opposed to a 5 and 8 year old but I never went to too much trouble to deceive them.
In our house, Santa does one gift per child, nothing major, usually unwrapped or with just a bow, we make easy mix cookies the night before to leave out with a glass of milk, and then eat some of the cookies after the kids go to bed. Santa leaves a thank you note on the table for Xmas morning. For other presents, they get so much from grandparents and other relatives, we usually just do one bigger “fun” present they want (like rollerskates), some books and a bunch of smaller practical stuff they need anyway like new water bottles and drawing pads. No stockings.
avocado says
I don’t think it’s about deception so much as it is about magic. My mother kept Santa going until I was about 12 and we did the same with our daughter. With me and my mother and later with my daughter and me there was a shared desire to keep up the magic and wonder even though everyone knew the “truth.” My daughter also insisted that her infernal elf come to entertain her with his magical capers. To us it was harmless, special fun (at least Santa was—I never liked that darn elf). YMMV.
TheElms says
My favorite tradition as a kid was leaving out mince pies, a carrot, and sherry so I’d like to do that but my very American husband thinks that is strange! We’ve settled on cookies and a carrot for Rudolph (no milk because no one wants to drink it). We also do stockings that are hung by the fireplace. When I was a kid they appeared filled the next morning and under your bed or at the foot of your bed. If you work up early (basically guaranteed) you opened your stocking and played with those things until it was time to wake up. My kids are light sleepers so we have chosen to put the stockings filled downstairs by the fireplace. Kids are little enough that we’d likely be up no matter where we put them.
Another favorite tradition is champagne while opening presents and then usually smoked salmon on toast (or sometimes sushi).
Cb says
We do Mexican wedding cookies and whisky… which is a blend of my Californian traditions and my husband’s British ones.
Anonymous says
It’s a good thing there are reindeer to drive the sleigh if Santa is getting so much whisky and sherry! I’ve never heard of leaving adult beverages for Santa before, but it sure makes more sense than leaving milk out to spoil.
Anon says
We do 5 gifts, 3 from Santa 2 for us. Sometimes it’s a crap shoot which we choose from whom, but if it’s a gift we have to explain how to use or they didn’t ask for and we need to explain why we think they will like it those are by default from us. Maybe I’m extra but I make sure to wrap the Santa gifts in wrapping paper I don’t use for any other gifts (theirs or extended family etc). I actually store it separately in its own case. All stocking gifts are from Santa. When all else fails we just “make” the pre made Christmas cookies at Trader Joe’s that come in a box with the decorating included and leave those out.
Anonymous says
Our Santa traditions all come from my mother because my husband was the youngest of several kids and Santa had gotten tired and lazy by the time he came along. We leave out cookies for Santa and a piece of cheese for Santa Mouse, a tradition from my childhood that came from the book. Santa Claus and parents each give one large gift and several smaller ones. Santa Claus has his own wrapping paper and bows. He does not use gift tags; instead, he uses different paper for each child and leaves a small present under the stocking wrapped in that paper so everyone knows whose paper is whose.
Stockings contain a combination of fun and useful things such as flavored cocoa packets, nail polish, fun pens, books, scrunchies, small toys, gloves, winter hats, fun socks, candy, flashlights, etc. Stockings are hung on the mantel on Christmas Eve. Santa fills the stockings and leaves them on the hearth so they don’t fall off the stocking holders. On Christmas morning everyone must wait upstairs until parents are awake and Dad has made Mom’s coffee and turned on the tree lights. Everyone puts on Santa hats and goes downstairs together. Stockings are opened round-robin fashion so everyone can admire each item. After stockings we have breakfast, then open gifts.
We are a choir family and our kids are older so we usually have to be at both the 7:30 and 11:00 p.m. Christmas Eve services. Between services, we drive through the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights, then have mulled cider while watching the Charlie Brown Christmas movie. That evening is my favorite part of Christmas. If we didn’t have to attend two church services I would love to try jolabokaflod (Christmas book flood), wherein everyone sits around reading a new book on Christmas Eve.
In the Before Times we used to go to the movies on Christmas afternoon, but we got out of the habit when the pandemic hit and there haven’t been any interesting movies out in the past couple of years so now we go to the art museum or take the dog for a long walk.
Anonymous says
I’ve continued what my parents did, which was to have stocking gifts and 1or 2 gifts left unwrapped under the tree–great for big things that are hard to wrap–be from Santa, and whatever else was from parents. We don’t do a ton of gifts in general – maybe 4 ish depending on cost/size, not including stocking stuffers. Stocking gifts are generally small things, not necessarily consumables. My mom always did a candy cane and an orange but I have not kept that up. We left out cookies and milk the night before. That’s about it. My grandparents used to wrap gifts from Santa, and I didn’t like that because it was obvious that Santa had the same gift wrap and handwriting as they did. Santa only gives to kids too.
Anonymous says
PS – on Christmas morning, kids can open stockings and play with unwrapped gifts before parents get up. They can’t open any wrapped gifts until an appointed starting time. This can buy you a little extra sleep.
My mother’s traditional Christmas and Easter breakfast was Pillsbury cinnamon or orange rolls, the kind in the cardboard can. I come from tired people.
AwayEmily says
We do the exact same things. Stockings + big unwrapped gift from Santa.
Anonymous says
In our house, Santa comes for anyone that believes. Mom and dad get presents, too.
It takes care of the doubters (mine are 5,7 & 10) because they just keep quiet and receive gifts. I don’t want my older ones spoiling things for my youngest.
Santa usually brings a few gifts and we try and make them things mom and dad wouldn’t allow. During COVID Christmas he installed a zip line overnight and left a note outside for the kids with their stockings (didn’t want to come in!); the kids were zipping all Christmas morning and they still talk about it! This year he is bringing kinetic sand which is #1 on my 5 y/o’s list but mom hates and doesn’t allow, and some makeup for the next 10 year old who Mom says is far too young for such things. One year it was a giant stuffed panda (Santa did not pay $80 for this, it was handed down from a coworker).
Mom and dad gift the big gifts and gifts that may need to be exchanged or explained.
SC says
I have one boy, 8 years old. In our house, Santa fills stockings and brings 3-5 gifts but does not bring the “big” gift for that year. Santa’s gifts are things like art supplies, board games, puzzles, sports balls, science kits, generally stuff in the $10-$30 range. Mom and Dad buy a more expensive present, and sometimes buy something more personal as well. Part of this division is that we typically see cousins later in the day, and we don’t want our kid to be telling his cousins about some huge Santa gift. And part is that we want to be able to talk to DS about why we chose something–we thought he would like it, or was ready for it, or we were looking forward to doing it together, or we were thinking about him, etc.
Santa wraps gifts at our house. The only real reasons are that kids love unwrapping gifts, and it stretches out the excitement just a few minutes longer.
We do not have a fireplace. We hang stockings on the wall in the room with our Christmas tree. Once the stockings are filled, they rest on the couch so they don’t mess up the wall. I used to mainly put candy, and maybe one small gift, in stockings. This year before Halloween, I was throwing out last year’s Christmas candy. So I decided that this year, stockings will be mostly small gifts and less candy (but each person’s favorite).
We don’t do a ton to throw Kiddo off scent. The main thing I do is use different wrapping paper for Santa gifts and hide that paper. I found out about Santa the year that we spent Christmas at my grandmother’s house, and Santa and Grandma had the same wrapping paper. And of course, we hide presents well.
We leave out cookies, milk, and carrots. I made cookies for his class party this weekend. I made a double batch of cookie dough, so we’ll bake a few for Santa on Christmas Eve and bring the rest to our extended family get-together on Christmas Day.
Clementine says
Santa brings one gift, wrapped in plain tissue paper with just your first initial on it. Santa’s gifts are always one you really wanted but never the biggest or flashiest. Kids choose what to leave out – one year oldest kid declared that Santa wanted cherry pie and a coca-cola.
Anonymous says
This is so much fun to read about all the different ways people approach this!
In our house, Santa brings multiple gifts, all wrapped, but mom and dad provide the wrapping paper (also, I love wrapping gifts) and everything is wrapped. However, Santa, in our house, isn’t one person, but a network of Santas that focus on different types of toys and gifts. So, a gift might be from the Bookstore Santa, and contain multiple books. It might be from the Boden or Hanna Andersson Santa, and contain clothes, or the Pixar Santa and bring that Lightening McQueen toy. This was the way it was explained to me growing up… a long time ago there was one Santa, but then that became too many kids to visit in one night. So, essentially Santa became the CEO of a company with many divisions. I personally received many gifts from the American Girl Doll Santa and Barbie Santa.
Stockings are things like chapstick, new pens/crayons, and gifts cards.
Anonymous says
I replied earlier but it got eaten. Santa comes for anyone who believes in our house, including mom and dad.
My older kids likely don’t believe anymore but they know if they play along they get gifts!
Santa gifts are generally things mom and dad don’t buy- kinetic sand, makeup they’ve told them kids they are too young for, an outlandish ride on toy etc. and stockings* are filled with junk mom and dad certainly NEVER buy.
Mom and dad give the big/expensive gifts.
*DH is an only child. His mom lives across the country and we don’t usually see her on Christmas. She started sending stocking stuff up when we got married and never stopped. It is such a gift to me- I don’t have to think about it, ANd I get stuff! It really is like Santa comes :)
Anonymous says
I should add, I have 3 kids. Oldest can’t possibly still believe, middle is a pragmatist who doesn’t care as long as she gets presents, and youngest wants a unicorn for Christmas but decided that Santa is just a bunch of elves bc one person couldn’t come to every house.
But we all have a fun morning!! Santa is bringing dad a pull up bar that Mom said no to several times already because it’s too cluttery.
anonM says
Love this. Santa is getting DS a kid-“safe” drill, after months of mom saying “Santa can’t bring you a drill, it’s not safe!” He’s going to be so excited and also definitely will tell me how much nicer Santa is than me :D
Anon says
Ah, the 2023 version of a Red Rider BB gun :)
NYCer says
This is basically our approach too. We all love the magic of Santa. We all get gifts from Santa. Santa wraps all his presents in the same paper, even for the adults. We wrap our presents for the kids and each other in different paper.
We leave out milk and cookies and some carrots for the reindeer.
Anon says
Yes, everybody gets gifts from Santa. When my siblings and I were late 20s/early 30s and childfree my mom was still giving gifts to everyone in the family (both of my parents and my brothers and I…heck even their dog got a new toy from Santa) gifts from Santa in its own Santa wrapping paper. Now with kids, I make sure that my husband and I also get gifts from Santa in the same Santa wrapping paper as the kids.
While my kids still fully believe, as an adult I believe that Santa is the magic of Christmas and the love that we all share personified
avocado says
I love Ma’s explanation of Santa Claus from the Laura Ingalls Wilder books:
Then Ma told them something else about Santa Claus. He was everywhere, and besides that, he was all the time.
Whenever anyone was unselfish, that was Santa Claus.
Christmas Eve was the time when everybody was unselfish. On that one night, Santa Claus was everywhere, because everybody, all together, stopped being selfish and wanted other people to be happy. And in the morning you saw what that had done.
“If everybody wanted everybody else to be happy all the time, then would it be Christmas all the time?” Laura asked, and Ma said, “Yes, Laura.”
NYCer says
Love this, avocado!
Anon says
We do stockings and somewhere in the neighborhood of 15ish gifts per kid. The stocking is from Santa and the gifts are 50/50 from stocking + mom and dad (and one gift each from their siblings). When kids wake up in the morning, they come into our room and once everyone is there we go into the living room which is where the stockings and gifts are. We try to have 1 big gift that’s set up and unwrapped each year. Usually this is a shared gift and usually something outside / active (bikes, play house, foosball table, sleds) but there’s not always something that fits this. Everyone opens stockings first and stockings are a mix of candy, useful things (toothbrush, gloves, chapstick) and small fun things (stickers, fun notebook, nerf ball). We then alternate opening gifts one by one – no particular order except any “big” gift is last, if there’s one of them (spring break trip, electronics). Santa uses different wrapping paper than mom and dad. Borrowing from my mother, EVERYONE in the family gets gifts from Santa. I’m not a huge holiday person, but I really do enjoy Christmas because the adults in my family did such a good job of keeping the magic of Christmas alive when I was a kid, and then a teen, and now an adult. I believed in Santa way longer than I probably would have because my grandmother was so convincing.
We usually leave out homemade cookies + milk + veggies for the reindeer, but one year my kid was insistent it was brownies instead so we did that. My mother (bless her) gets the cousins together to bake cookies each year – this is a longstanding family tradition on my side of the family. My brother and I are on hand to help out for cookie making, but my mom kind of runs the show. Growing up my mom baked approximately 4 times a year (Christmas cookies with our cousins and then a cake for each of our birthdays’) and most things were from a box. It doesn’t need to be fancy or hard to do something like homemade cookies. We always do the roll out pillsbury sugar cookies + festive cookie cutters + sprinkles. The kids love choosing the shapes + decorations.
After church + family party on Christmas Eve, we come home, change into Christmas jammies, hang our stockings, lay out the cookies + milk, and read Twas the Night Before Christmas before going to bed.
Breakfast Christmas morning is usually just candy from stockings, but I do make a batch of the Pillsbury cinnamon rolls too. After Christmas morning, we lay low + play with toys + rest until we go to family’s house for dinner.
Other traditions we have: taking a walk or drive around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights (with hot chocolate), our neighborhood has a luminary making + caroling night that we go to, we go to our city’s light show + go out to dinner, and we do the mall Santa + family Christmas shopping outing (we split up the kids and each take kids to go buy gifts for whatever parent and sibling (s) they’re not with, then we switch – I feel oddly strongly about kids buying gifts for siblings, parents, and grandparents – not because we need or want more gifts but because I think it’s important to encourage the idea that this goes both ways early).
Anonymous says
So we’re (me, DH, 4 YO) traveling to see my dad for the holidays this Friday to stay for a week. However, my dad just fell and broke his arm, and is currently in the hospital. We’re expecting him to be home by Friday. I’m not even sure what questions I have here, but just… has anyone been in a similar situation, and what should I be planning for? I already set up a grocery delivery to arrive a few hours after we do on Friday, so we won’t have to worry about going to the store. Also, I know it’s awkward, but any advice on how we can set up some procedures for what happens if he gets hospitalized again while I’m not there — this time, I had to call around to hospitals to figure out where he was because he left his phone at home when the paramedics came to take him to the hospital. Also, do I need to start worrying about power of attorney type things? Thank you!
Anon says
First of all I’m very sorry that your dad fell and hope he is ok. If he doesn’t already have health directives, power of attorney etc in place he should get that done asap. You could also get him some kind of bracelet to wear with your info on it so emergency people know to call you
Anon says
Sorry about your dad. Grocery delivery seems like a good place to start. Can you ask him what else would be useful?
“Also, do I need to start worrying about power of attorney type things?” No this seems like a leap to me unless you have other reasons to think he’s not all there mentally. My very fit and sharp 72 year old mom fell and broke her wrist about five years ago and it was just a bad fall, not evidence of general decline.
anonM says
Respectfully disagree. You should have a power of attorney now- for you, DH, and for your dad. You can have a durable power of attorney that is effective upon your disability or incapacity (at least in my state). Don’t wait until they are already incapacitated. This doesn’t have to be framed as “you’re on a sharp decline, dad” but rather a “this was a reminder to me that we need some things in place for both of us, because I always want to respect your wishes at each stage of life, and want to avoid any confusion.” You want to know what he wants if/when long-term care is needed. If he wants in-home care when that time comes, can you do things around the house in the future to make it more aging-friendly (grab bars, walk-in-tub, ramp, lifts, etc.) or would he need to move? It’s a good time to check on your own things too- do you have life insurance? A will? My mom lives alone now, and it is different than when you have two parents aging together. I don’t think you’re wrong to be thinking ahead.
Anon says
You’re right – I read it as more of a “should I be taking power of attorney over him now” which (IME) is a thing for late stage dementia patients, not mentally sound people. But you’re right that there should be forms on file designating who gets POA in event you’re incapacitated. All adults should have those; my husband and I do.
anon a mouse says
It sounds like your dad lives alone? If so, there should absolutely be some understanding for you and he and anyone else relevant on what happens in case of an emergency. That includes power of attorney, but also you knowing where his important papers are, or who his attorney is, and what his wishes are for end of life care. It’s morbid, but such a gift to have the clarity so that if something tragic were to happen you are not trying to navigate the administrative things at the same time.
The accident gives you a great opening to bring it up. I hope your dad has a quick recovery and you all have a nice visit.
Anonymous says
AARP has some good free resources for planning for caregiving and talking to elders about what they want, what they need, etc. Hugs to you; this is all overwhelming stuff.
Anonymous says
Will he wear an Apple Watch? My MIL does it and it’s basically a life alert. But she’s still cool.
Anonymous says
My 99 year old grandma does this!
Fallen says
My son does really well with drop off play dates. Is there a way to invite his friends over for a drop off play date directly? Things are so busy now and it is too much to chit chat with them for 2 hours every time there is a play date, but it seems that every play date the moms linger. But I don’t want to be rude and say “come back in 2 hours!”. He is in K. Some of these would be friends of ours and I think that’s easier (I usually say oh drop Johnny off if you need a break and they are happy), but he has friends where the moms and I don’t know each other super well where he has only had a play date or too; and also others from daycare he still sees where I feel like the moms and I don’t have much in common so it’s not so fun to hang out.
Cb says
Be upfront, “Can I borrow your kid?” “Would you like to drop little Tarquin off between 2-5 on Sunday? They play so well together and I could use the time he’s distracted to tackle some chores around the house”
AwayEmily says
I love this language!
Spirograph says
perfect! I agree, the key is to include it in the invitation. I will say that K is kind of a weird cusp time. By first grade and later the default assumption is that play dates are drop off.
Anonymous says
I know the spelling is different but I keep imagining a very serious 5-year-old in an Imperial officer’s uniform and cap.
Anon says
I always say something (via text, in advance) like “you’re welcome to leave [kid] and have some time to yourself” [or “do something with your other kids” if there are younger siblings]. Sometimes they still stay (I think some people are just uncomfortable with drop-offs, especially at this age), but by the second play date most people will take you up on a drop off.
I once had a mom almost literally push me out the door saying “don’t stay, come back in 3 hours!!” and even though I was happy to drop off and didn’t want to make small talk anymore than she did, it felt kind of rude, so I try to be a bit more gentle about the request. I think Cb’s language is good if you want to be more direct.
Fwiw, it’s weird to me, but I’ve found parents in kindergarten more resistant to drop off play dates than in daycare, when we had tons of kids we didn’t know at all dropped off at our house for a first play date. Someone here said it’s because you know daycare parents better, but that doesn’t really make sense to me because I don’t see how occasionally waving and saying hi at someone in the hall makes you feel secure in your child’s safety at their house, and personally I feel more a lot more comfortable dropping off an older child who can better communicate if something weird happens.
Anonymous says
I think the resistance in K comes from the fact that many of these parents have no experience with day care and are therefore more clingy.
Anon says
That was my suspicion as well, although I’ve seen it even with parents whose kids did fulltime daycare. There might just be randomness to it -it’s not like we have a huge sample size with either group.
Anonymous says
Huh, I’m not familiar with ANY kindergarten parents who have no daycare experience- do you live in a community with a lot of stay at home parents? Do they not even send kids to preschool? THAT I’ve never heard of.? But even here where it’s almost all working parents and everyone at minimum goes to preschool if not full time daycare, there are a number of kindergarten kids who just aren’t comfortable being dropped off, or parents who want to get to know you first or may have other family history that makes them less comfortable with drop off playdates . I know one of my kids is higher anxiety generally and really struggled with drop off until later than kindergarten, despite being a daycare kid (who also struggled with daycare drop off daily for many years).
Anonymous says
Here there are lots of SAHMs who only send their kids to half-day preschool the pre-K year.
Anon says
My cousin’s kids (suburbs of a major city) didn’t set foot into a school until K. His SAHW did a lot of education/activities at home, but they didn’t start until they were legally required. I also have colleagues that keep their kids at home with a relative/grandparent until they get a slot in public or charter school – whether it’s needs-based PreK (we don’t have UPK…I know) or regular Kinder.
This is vastly different than my highly privileged circles, but hey, it takes all kinds. I also live in one of the largest metro areas in the US, so this isn’t a small-town thing.
Anon says
I actually don’t love that language if a parent staying isn’t your preference. I prefer CB’s language above, which makes clear that the intent is for a parent to drop off. It would be easy to push off the request if you know you don’t want to stay, but the language above is tricky if you have a parent that isn’t comfortable dropping off, as they will feel okay staying. If you are fine either way, then this is definitely the way to go.
Anon says
Yeah I phrase it that way because given a choice between no play date and a play date where the mom stays, I prefer the latter (for my kid’s sake). I definitely prefer drop off but if the people don’t do drop offs I’m ok with them staying. And if you offer a drop off, anyone who’s interested will take you up on it. I’ve stayed sometimes at other peoples houses, because I felt like I should, so making it clear they can choose to leave does make it more likely they’ll leave.
anonM says
I would be direct. I’m always surprised here by some posts about drop-off play dates and sleepovers. I don’t do them, and it’s honestly rare we leave them with anyone besides my mom, their aunt, or grandparents for any length of time. I don’t think I’ve ever even been formally asked for one either, tbh. (Oldest in K). It’s not a all a knock on other parents, and it is my personal issues/preferences, but there were multiple instances of child sexual assault to people close to me growing up. Maybe it is a false sense of security and yes, I plan to go back to therapy. But, I say this just to point out that I wouldn’t like feeling surprised by a drop off playdate and would need time to consider it if we were invited. You never know people’s reasonings behind their choices, and it is not just kids who didn’t go to daycare/preschool. Again, not trying to debate the safety/wisdom of drop off dates (and I’m not going to get into that debate, so please, be kind), but just pointing out that people have different life experiences.
Anon says
+1 – You’re not alone. My oldest is in K, and we have yet to host/be invited to a drop-off playdate. Honestly, even in the preschool/daycare years, we didn’t really host/were not invited to playdates. I guess we were fortunate that our “social” time was dominated by family and our friends with kids pre/post COVID era. I didn’t really do this growing up until late elementary. Sleepovers were a whole other story – again, late elementary-high school it was allowed if my parents knew the other parents well enough/felt comfortable. DS #1 has asked for a few friends from K to come over, and I’m more than happy to host a drop-off situation if the families are OK. I’ll probably pause on anything until after the holidays.
I’ve posted this before, and I’ll do it again. I’ve always – since childhood – never been comfortable around/with guns. I grew up and now live in red state where gun ownership is very popular, and honestly even when I lived in deep blue states/areas I was surprised how many people still owned guns – it wasn’t dramatically different than where I live now in terms of ownership, but the culture was way quieter about it, and I suspect the types of guns differ. My teenage nephew a few states over from us – who was “hunter safety trained” (not sure of the terms/what that is) – killed himself earlier this year with a gun that wasn’t locked safely in his house. So, no, I’m not good with drop-off playdates unless I have very clear, discrete answers regarding gun safety and other factors that AnonM mentioned. I’m not fear mongering – I just am not in a place where I can trust others homes.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry about your nephew. The gun issue in particular is challenging. Even when you think you know the parents, and even when they give the answers you are looking for, you just never truly know what they are hiding or lying about. We just learned that some seemingly normal parents in our circle are members of an antigovernment militia that was involved in the January 6 insurrection. Their daughter had invited our daughter to a “party” that turned out to be hosted by the militia. The thought of the number of loaded weapons at that gathering plus the photos that would be posted to social media makes me shudder.
Anon says
wtf?!? good thing you avoided that one!
Anonymous says
Gun culture in this country is a huge problem. You would think that the people who own guns would be most concerned with gun safety, but it’s the opposite. It’s mystifying to me as someone who grew up shooting BB guns and air rifles with strict safety protocols. I think the difference is that my family were genuine rural poor people who respected guns as necessarily lethal tools for hunting and protection against dangerous wildlife, whereas the people in our suburban area who own guns have never faced down a rabid raccoon or a rattlesnake and are just buying guns out of bravado. Another possibility is that my grandfathers had both been to war and actually had to shoot at people and watch people die, whereas many people now have only been exposed to violence and death through movies and video games.
Anonymous says
This makes total sense. From the parent who is all about the dropoff, the perspective is having your kid over is a time for my kid to have a buddy to play with while I don’t have to entertain him.
Having a parent tag along means I have to socialize with that parent for X time. Which is okay but not usually what I have time to do.
In your case just make it clear- “we don’t do dropoffs; is there a time we could meet up at the park?” Or, if you are open to it, “we haven’t worked up to dropoffs yet but glad to have your kid dropped off here!”
Anon says
I like this language. I wasn’t comfortable with drop offs for my son during preK and early elementary, who could struggle with some behavior one on one with other kids that I could moderate if I was around. However, I was always, always, always happy to host, and for several years, just hosted all his playdates. I’m not sure if anyone actually picked up on the fact that we just happened to be “busy” whenever they offered to host and I’d later chime in to invite their kid over.
Anonymous says
+1
Drop off play dates would be unusual in my area for a kid in K. When each of the 3 kids was in K/first grade, I can’t think of any invites for drop off playdates unless we knew the parents well (family across the street, my BFF since high school etc).
Drop off playdates were more common after 3rd grade (approx). The 1st/2md grade in between space seemed to be taking a friend along for a public playdate like pottery cafe, indoor playground etc vs at someone’s house.
Anon says
“Hey! Do you want to drop X off for a play date with Son this weekend?”
Anonymous says
This. Simple and direct.
anon says
If i don’t know you well, i am not leaving my kid at your house. You need to put in some work first.
Anon says
yea i agree with this. my kids went to preschool, but i feel like every piece of advice out there is to not just drop your kid off – you don’t know if someone has firearms, a pool, etc. i’d probably want to accompany on the first playdate and would then be ok.
Spirograph says
eh, I get this impulse, and I wouldn’t turn away a parent who wanted to learn more about me and my home before leaving their kid with me, but… this is not typical by elementary school, IME. We had son’s friend over for the first time last weekend (7 yo) and I’d never met his parents before. My son gave my phone number to his friend, who gave it to his mom, who texted me saying her son was asking for a playdate. I offered to host or meet at a playground, and she basically said “great we’ll drop him off around noon and pick him up by 3.” I made small talk with the dad for a minute or two when he dropped the kid off, asked about allergies and if it was ok if the boys wanted a snack and by then the boys had run off somewhere. This has generally been my experience. (Granted, I’m pretty sure no one in my neighborhood has a pool and we’re in an extremely blue bubble where the default assumption is everyone hates guns. we actually do have a couple firearms, but they are stored securely and I’d be happy to share details with anyone who asks.)
Anon says
i live in Houston – lots of guns and lots of pools
Anon says
Sounds like you have a great system/response for where you are! And thank you for safely storing your firearms – that makes the environment way safer for everyone involved. I’m the Anon that posted about my nephew upthread.
Sharing this for anyone who may need it — I think Everytown, Moms Demand Action, or somewhere had some great text scripting about how to broach these topics, like “Hey, just want to know if Kid has any allergies we should be mindful of, and also want you to know we don’t have any firearms in the home, and no pool, and our yard is gated, so the kids are safe to explore the house without constant adult supervision if that’s OK with you; I’ll plan to check in and make sure they have plenty of snacks!” I’ve shared similar scripting when kicking around playdates (which never have materialized, but that was more about schedules), I didn’t think it raised any eyebrows.
I also think it’s one of those things – you have to try to be confident, neutral, and not nervous when you ask/share – it’s just…a fact you need data on and will provide data on when asked in return.
Anonymous says
I agree with the approach described by anon at 12:34. Be direct and matter-of-fact, and offer information openly when issuing an invitation. If your child is the guest and the host does not automatically disclose, ask in a neutral way. “I always ask this–do you have a pool and/or guns? How is the pool secured/how are the guns stored?”
Anon says
Just need a gut check here: at parent/teacher conferences, our daughter’s K teacher told us she is taking way too long to finish their handwriting worksheets and sometimes she has to finish them in the morning when the other kids have playtime. I fully believe that she is super slow at the worksheets – she’s a perfectionist and generally does not like to be rushed. I’m thinking that I will ask the teacher to just give her the same time in school as the other kids and to send home what she doesn’t complete and we’ll do the practice at home. Any negatives to this that I’m missing? I get that she needs to get faster but I don’t want her missing out on socialization.
Anon says
Can you get more details? Starting indoor play time 2 minutes late because she’s finishing up a worksheet is pretty different than missing an entire recess. I think the teacher is probably doing this because she wants to incentivize your daughter to get over her perfectionism and finish faster, and I do see the logic in that, although I think she’s taking it too far if your daughter is missing huge chunks of play time.
octagon says
What does the teacher say about it? My kid is such a perfectionist and it’s a real skill to learn that things need to be done on time, rather than being perfect and late. In K, the teacher emphasized finishing as much as possible and then collecting them, which over time helped my kid manage time better and work more quickly. It sounds like this teacher prioritizes getting them done. What does your kid think about it? Is she upset at missing playtime? Does she understand what the tradeoff is?
Anon says
this might be super corny, and obviously you dont want to discourage sloppiness, but i was listening to a dr. becky podcast, perhaps it was one with adam grant, and she was saying that during zoom school during covid her daughter would get really upset when she couldn’t spell a word correctly and that it seemed to make a difference when both mom and teacher told her that in kindergarten you aren’t supposed to do everything perfectly. as a recovering perfectionist, i would’ve found this helpful.
Anonymous says
This never worked with my perfectionist child. The answer was always “but *I* should be able to do it!”
Anon says
i was the poster yesterday with the 5.5 year old twins who are basically a hot mess express and engage in more physical tantrums now than at age 2. i’m not opposed to time outs per se, but when my kids are behaving like this i don’t think they have the capacity to think like if i do X, my consequence will be Y. it’s like they are in a certain ‘mode’ that is instinctual and not able to think/control themselves
Anonymous says
That’s exactly what timeouts are for–to give out-of-control kids a break to get their anger out and calm down. The threat of a timeout isn’t going to spark logical thinking that interrupts a tantrum. The timeout itself will allow the tantrum to de-escalate.
Spirograph says
Exactly. we don’t even call it a time-out, we just say, “it’s time for you to go sit on your bed for a few minutes to collect yourself, then you can try again.” the key is to remove them entirely from the situation so they can reset…eg, not in sight line or earshot of whatever triggered the tantrum. I don’t even care if they do other stuff in their room, it still works for a reset.
anon says
It’s hard to get yourself into that mindset when you’re stressed from poor behavior, but don’t forget to use humor to diffuse. It can really help to change the tone in the house. Being silly with them and playing games can really help turn things around.
SC says
My son threw terrible, physical tantrums when he was 4-7. If we gave him a timeout as a punishment, he’d just destroy whatever space he was in. If we put him in a corner, he’d keep engaging in physical battles to get away. We reframed from using a timeout as a punishment, to telling him to go to his room to calm down. We kept our voices low, never put a time on it, and told him we hoped he’d rejoin us when he was calm. His bedroom only has his bed, blankets, stuffies, and books in it. He’d run in there, flop on the bed, and cry, yell, flail, whatever his body needed. When he was calm, he’d come out of his room, saying “I’m ready.” We’d welcome him back and carry on. After some time had passed, we’d talk about what happened.
Anon says
The issue with time outs for my kids is that they are too ramped up to sit/be anywhere on their own calmly or safely. (If you have a kid that will “go to time out” and not destroy the place, you don’t know what it’s like to have truly spicy kids!) They are out of their rational brain. It is helpful to split them up to diffuse situations, but I have to accompany and sit with my kid for his safety and the safety of the possessions in the room he’s in.
Prevention is the best strategy; it involves being really intentional to ward off hunger, overtiredness, overstimulation etc, or to see when it’s occurring and help keep things calm (maybe this is when you sit together and read books instead of leaving them to make dinner). I also monitor sibling squabbles and step in to help diffuse before they ratchet up.
And while I’ll remove privileges that correspond to the event (you had a fight over video games, we are taking a break from them) I don’t dangle carrots and remove them for “bad behavior”. I agree it can be counterproductive for some kids.
As they get older it is improving! I saw a big change around 6/7…
Anon says
Time outs can take different forms. When my four year old has a meltdown, we take her to her room for a “time out.” We go with her and sit with her. Her room doesn’t have toys in it, so there isn’t much to actually do in there other than sleep. We just sit with her, not talking, for the most part until she is ready. She can scream and tantrum as much as she wants in there. We let her get it all out. Eventually, she regulates herself and calms down. She’s started going to her room for “quiet time” on her own initiative when she’s getting frustrated or overwhelmed. It’s less of a punishment and more of a way to hit the pause button and reset herself.
OP says
this is what i like to do, but it is hard when you are solo parenting two kids
Anon says
OP, it is so hard when you are outnumbered! I like the suggestion below about creating a similar type of environment in a main area of the house where you wouldn’t have to be separated from the other child.
Anonymous says
You just tell them to go to their rooms? Timer does not start until they are in their room. We use 1 minute per year if age. I have 3 kids including twins. You need to have verbal control of them at this age because it’s past the age of physically picking them to put them in a time out. I also model taking a time out for myself when I am frustrated about something and need a breather. It’s not about punishing, it’s about taking time to reset.
Anonymous says
Oh my gosh, we still have to physically take my 75 lb 8 year old to his room bc of meltdowns and I laughed/cried so hard at this. You must have different kids than me. Yes it would be lovely if he would just go when told but after four years of behavior therapy here we are. Fewer giant violent meltdowns but still happening and he cannot function mentally at that time enough to follow directions. The problem is he is big and strong.
AwayEmily says
I meant to comment on yesterday’s post — I think there’s a decent chance it will get better soon on its own. We had the same thing with my almost-6-yo — I remember posting over the summer, when he was exactly 5.5, that he just seemed so ANGRY and SAD all the time. We did some stuff (largely inspired by super helpful comments here), including doubling down on one-on-one time, but I think what made the biggest difference was just being patient and waiting it out. At some point (for him it was a few weeks after kindergarten started) something just seemed to click for him in terms of emotional regulation. I’ve talked to other parents who said something similar happened around this age. It sucks when you’re in the midst of it, though.
Anon says
We do two things with my neurospicy 6yo twins, but yeah, it’s tricky with 1 adult and 2 kids. I also agree that timeouts don’t work for tantrums, for my kids.
We did introduce time-outs as part of PCIT earlier this year. Our only “house rule” is that you may not use your body to hurt people and doing that earns you an automatic time out, which is sitting on a particular chair for 3 minutes/until you’re quiet. It sucks A LOT to enforce at first and we did have several times where we spent literally over an hour putting a child back on the timeout chair until she was able to sit there for the 3 minutes. Now, they’ll cry and scream but generally won’t try to get off the chair and while they’re not always calm and regulated after 3 minutes, they can basically always reset enough that they won’t immediately go back to attacking us/their sister when the timeout is done.
For tantrums, we’ve done a lot of work to set up a safe calm down space in our house. My more high-needs kid has declared it her “hidey-hole” and it’s a small enclosed space with a pillow, some fidget toys, and some visually calming toys. It’s not at all perfect, but they are often able to storm off to the calm space and relax themselves there rather than ramping up into full on tantrum. One main advantage is that it’s in the living room, so she still feels connected to the family (e.g. an adult doesn’t need to go with her), but it’s separated enough to provide the alone time feeling. They also find swinging really regulating, so we’ll redirect them to that when we can see that they’re getting agitated and sometimes it helps diffuse the situation.
Anon says
I have twins and two singletons, and I can say pretty confidently that the twins had much more explosive behavior than the singletons ever did. I attribute it to a few things (1) by definition, they share your attention, so they have to be “louder” or more expressive to be seen when they are having a hard time — especially in the preschool years when language development and emotional regulation are still being learned, and (2) they wind each other up more than singletons do — my singletons were either the only young child around or had older siblings to look up to, and just didn’t see that meltdown behavior modeled as much.
With my singletons, 4 felt like the breakeven age. With my twins, it was definitely 5 to 6 before I felt like I was out of the unexpected meltdown/fight stage. But also agreed with the other commenters that changing scenery really helps, and I’d take the trip. My twins have gone on some epic international trips, and I really felt like I’d rather fly them around the world than take them out to dinner alone at 3.
Anon says
i just got a text from my daughter’s teacher that her lunchbox at school was empty…DH filled the lunch bags with the empty lunchbox from the drawer rather than the full one from the fridge. i also specifically asked him this morning if he had included the ice packs bc he often forgets and he said yes…so he sent our kids to school with empty lunchboxes with ice packs.
Anonymous says
It really bugs me when teachers do this. They should just tell the kids to buy lunch–our school cafeteria requires you to put money in a lunch account ahead of time, and even if you refuse to fund the lunch account they will let kids have the standard lunch and bill you later. One morning I got an e-mail from the teacher demanding that I bring a lunch because my daughter didn’t like any of the options on the menu. This was on a day when my daughter had specifically asked me not to pack her a lunch because she had apparently misread the menu. My response was to the effect of, “Sorry, but I’m about to get on a plane. She can find something in the cafeteria.”
OP says
i was actually glad the teacher contacted me. they got school lunch (it’s free this year at our school), but didn’t eat it. we specifically look at the menu and choose which days to bring vs. not bring lunch. the lunches were made and in the fridge. this was completely on DH. our morning are rushed, kids (kindergarten) have to leave house around 7am, so we put lunches in backpacks while they eat breakfast
Anon says
Could the kids be involved in packing their lunch the night before?
Could you only have one lunch box per kid so there aren’t extras to grab accidentally?
Anon says
OP, are you the one that made the lunches? If so, I’d be pretty aggravated at my husband, too. I’m solo in the mornings, so if anyone was going to forget something like that, it would be me. And I do frequently forget things in the morning because they are chaotic. But I totally get the frustration if you spent time and effort making the lunch only for it to not get packed.
Anon says
Right – what does the teacher expect you to do now? I’m sure there’s SOMETHING in the cafeteria that your kid can eat?
anon says
My autistic 7 yr old would MAYBE eat a piece of fruit. Maybe.
Anon says
But it’s one lunch, is it really the end of the world if they only eat some fruit? I have an extremely picky eater (and we suspect there are some neurodiversity/sensory issues beyond normal pickness) but I would still be annoyed at being contacted by the school in this circumstance. It’s one day, she’ll be ok even if she only eats the cookie and some fruit. In general, we look at the menu and pack on days she doesn’t like the school lunch because we want her to have a balanced lunch, but if my kid misread the menu or forgot her lunch I would not have a ton of sympathy and she can deal with the consequences for one day.
Anonymous says
I stayed up late to make painstakingly customized lunches for my kids last week (they are both lucky and like different things). Which I then put in the wrong backpacks and neither of them ate. Instead, they bought lunch which they swore they couldn’t possibly eat, which is why I made their lunches.
It’s a slow crawl to break around here. At least he remembered the ice packs!
Anon says
I am a “mean” mom and give my kids the choice: they can have whatever the cafeteria is serving, they can have what I pack (and they know I only pack last night’s leftovers or a turkey + cheese sandwich), or they can pack something themselves. And, by 3rd grade they’re on their own to pack if they don’t want the cafeteria.
FWIW, I’m the same way about dinner: if you don’t want what we made, then you can make something yourself as long as it has 1 protein + 1 “produce” (fruit or veg).
AwayEmily says
Aw man. I have had several lunchbox fails this fall. One time I accidentally switched the elementary kids’ lunchboxes, and because they are both little snowflakes who need their own bespoke lunch, neither of them ended up eating anything. The other time I just left the toddler’s lunchbox in the car. Never brought it into school at all.
Anon says
This is making me thankful to have twins! I’ve accidentally switched my kids’ lunchboxes a handful of times over the past year and like yours they can’t possssssibly eat a lunch that’s labeled with their sister’s name (even if the only difference is carrot sticks vs cucumber slices), but because all the kids in their grade eat in the cafeteria at the same time they have figured out they can just find their sister’s table and swap back.
Anonymous says
Hahaha what on earth would make him think there would be food inside a lunchbox that was in the drawer?
Anon says
If nothing was perishable (for example, one of my kids went to school today with a PB&J, an apple, and a bag of pretzels) it would be fine.
Anonymous says
But who puts a packed lunch back in the dish storage location?
anon says
Yeah, packed lunches and snacks at our house either go in the fridge for the night or on the counter to be put in a backpack in the morning, not in the cupboard.
Anon mama says
Moms, I could use a hug. Most of the time I feel like I’m doing OK juggling being a solo mom to a toddler and having a big job. Maybe I’m in survival mode but I’m surviving, and life is so much better than when my child’s dad lived with us. But this morning just kept kicking me. I tried my best to have everything prepped and organized the night before. But the dog refused to go p*tty because it was raining. My normally angelic toddler (I know, an oxymoron for sure but she really has been so sweet up until now) probably sensed that I was rushed, refused a diaper and peed on the floor, and had had a blowout p*op overnight that was all over her bed and sleep sack. Then the bag I used for her messy diaper split open, twice! Spilling the contents on the floor. Then I sliced my finger open on a kitchen knife. Had to rush the toddler to preschool where she bawled her eyes out at dropoff. And now I am on the train late for a meeting with my boss where I need to make a pitch for the continued existence of my team. And I am dreading the holidays because my ex is coming to stay with us for 10 days. It’s better than letting him take out girl somewhere else where I can’t keep an eye on things, but man I’m not looking forward to it.
Thanks for letting me vent. Today is a “left foot, right foot” kind of day, just focusing on moving forward.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Big massive hug from afar. First of all, I know we’re internet strangers, but you sound AMAZING. Seriously. You’ve built a life where you put you and your child’s happiness and potential success at the top of your priority list. I enjoy reading your posts when you share your situation, and always learn something.
Second of all, I feel like these mornings ALWAYS happen at the worst times – when you’re rushed, have a lot on your mind, etc. Like why did the bag have to break twice?!? Whyyy? I’m sorry you can’t look to the holidays as some respite from life lifeing – and you are great for making sure your ex is able to make memories with your daughter.
I’m sure others will have great suggestions, so sending love, light, and good vibes from my corner of the internet to you.
Good luck at your meeting! Report back if you feel like it. I am here to read/listen. I hope you have a nice glass of wine and some fun TV (or whatever you need) at the end of the day.
Momofthree says
Big hugs as well.
This reminds me a bit of “One Fine Day” which is an old romantic comedy with Meg Ryan & George Clooney. Meg Ryan had a day that sounded a lot like yours (and was a single mom). She tried to have everything planned and yet found herself needing to rely on bumbling George Clooney who had no plan. If you need a laugh at a future point, may be worth a watch.
You sound like an amazing mother and woman. You are doing and have done the best thing you can for your child. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard day. Left foot, right foot is a win on certain days. It will get better.
Anon says
Oh my goodness, SUCH a big hug. When it rains, it pours. You sound like a great Mom. After bedtime, please crack open the chocolate/pour yourself a glass of wine/insert your favorite treat here and pretend it’s from me.
Anon mama says
Thank you all for your kind responses. They made me feel better. And my meeting went fine and my team will continue to exist into 2024 (although I have to deliver some not great bonus news to some team members). It will all be OK!
Also a bright spot in my messy morning – my toddler asked me (as I was cleaning up her mess, haha) “what was mama’s favorite part of today?” At bedtime we usually talk through the day and what our favorite part was, and now she’s excited to ask me as soon as we get up. It was so sweet. I of course had to tell her that my favorite part of the day was hanging out with her (which is true).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
“It will all be OK!” – Absolutely!
I love this chat idea between you and your daughter – I was so much better about having those moments with DS #1. I’m going to try to do the same with my DS #2 tonight.
I can’t pretend to know the load of a single parent. I do solo parent often and regularly. I will say, for me, even after the worst days, being with my kids always sparks joy and comfort (even with the inevitable tantrums/bodily fluids/injuries/demands).
Anon says
does anyone have a recommendation for an NYC based bakery that can do custom iced sugar cookies to give as party favors for a baby shower? Thanks!
Anon says
Our state 529 plan doesn’t seem to have had that much growth…about 10% total since early 2020, which is way less than the market has grown in the same amount of time. Is this normal? I guess it is more conservatively invested than our retirement funds, because we need the money sooner (college is a little over 10 years away; retirement is 25-30 years away).