CorporetteMoms

Updated: Nov 1, 2018 74 Comments · by

Maternity Monday: ‘Rozalia’ Stripe Maternity/Nursing Sweater Dress

Machine-Washable Work Clothes· Maternity· Recent Recs

This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Seraphine 'Rozalia' Stripe Maternity-Nursing Sweater Dress | CorporetteMomsOooh: what a cute maternity dress for work. Love the longish sleeves, the stripes and buttons, and the fact that it’s nursing-friendly and machine washable. It’s $89 at Nordstrom. Seraphine ‘Rozalia’ Stripe Maternity/Nursing Sweater Dress Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:

Click here to see our top posts!

And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!

Comments

    • Butter says

      Haha, love this!

      On a related note, since I will be at my largest over the holidays, I’m thinking of rocking some cheesey/fun maternity tops for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So far CafePress has some cute options (I’m digging the Jolly Elf one), but does anyone have any other leads?

  2. JEB says

    I’m sure this has already been discussed, so I apologize for a potential repeat question. But what do people generally do for daycare gifts for the holidays? My daughter is at a home daycare, and there’s the daycare owner and two employees. I asked some of the other parents what they did last year. One does $100 (or more) gift cards for all three employees, and one does some baked goods and a $5 gift card…a significant range! I don’t want to skimp, as they’re caring for the most important little person in my life! But I also don’t want to go unnecessarily overboard. What have you guys done in the past?

    • Babyweight says

      Cash. About $40-$50 per childcare worker along with a note of thanks for me and Hubs. They take home so little. One of my absolute favorites made an off hand comment a few days before Christmas break that she hadn’t bought the first thing yet, but had her list. I realized then that she needed the money to make a nice holiday for her own family.

    • Jdubs says

      Also an inhome daycare – I usually do a cutesy type present (like a candle or something) worth about $5 and then a $25 Amex/Visa card for the employees and a $50 card for the owner. I don’t think the present is necessary, but I just don’t like only giving gift cards – I usually try to make the whole package look cute somehow.

    • Two Cents says

      We normally give $100 each for my son’s two main teachers, and $50 for the assistant. It’s probably more than others give but these women are wonderful and I’m entrusting them with my beloved child. Plus, they don’t make much money.

    • MDMom says

      Yes, I have this question too. Is it different for a daycare center? My son is in an infant room with 12 total babies, split into 6 on each side. There are staff assigned to each side but there’s a significant amount of cross coverage (especially during dropoff/pickup time) so all of them care for my kid at various times. They are wonderful and do a great job, and I’d really like to thank them in an appropriate way.

      • Anonymous says

        This is our situation, too. Lacking a better idea, I’ve done a small handmade ornament from the kids plus $10 for the primary 2-3 teachers per kid (based primarily on what my kid reports and what I see at pickup/dropoff). I’m sure the ‘bonus’ isn’t properly distributed by time/effort with my kid, but it’s what reasonably makes sense to me.

        These threads always make me feel so stingy. I’d love to give them all $100 since I know they earn close to minimum wage and deserve it, but I’ve got ~6 teachers and $600 isn’t in the budget.

    • Anonymous says

      last year I did $50 to the head teacher in her classroom, $25 to the assistant, adn $25 each to the teachers that she had prior in the year but had since moved to a new classroom.

      She switched daycares this year and the new one doesn’t have “lead” teachers. Just 2 per classroom. Her current classroom is down 1 teacher so there is a main teacher and then a rotation. Add to that that she’s been in 2 classrooms (just moved up) and it’s a lot of people that need thanks.

      I am thinking of getting a case of wine with her picture each bottle and asking the director to distribute based on level of stress caused to each teacher, then giving a card to each. I happen to know they all drink wine :) I may do a separate gift card to her current steady teacher who is the one that finally cracked potty training for us and is the best teacher she’s had within the program.

  3. Regular poster says

    Controversial topic. Has anyone hit a child to correct bad behavior? Did it work/not work? I realize that all of the parenting books strongly advise against physical reprimands, but I know that I can’t be the only one who grew up this way and I turned out fine. I have a very loving relationship with my mom, who raised me. Occasionally, when I was really misbehaving, she would hit me on my forearm, hard (with her hand, never with anything else). The pain lasted a few seconds, I would cry out, but there never would be any lasting mark of any sort. This maybe happened about 5 times total during my childhood. I DO remember that I did not like being hit and I immediately corrected the behavior. I don’t have any resentment toward my mom for what she did and as mentioned, we have an extremely close relationship.

    My toddler is engaging in a lot of inappropriate behavior toward his baby brother (hitting, biting) and I’m at my wits end. I’m tempted to physically reprimand him but my husband is absolutely against it and of course I would never do it unless we were both on board. (My husband was physically abused by his dad and he sees all hitting as abuse, even just a strong tap).

    In the age of eating all organic food and enrolling your child in toddler yoga, I can’t raise this topic with my friends or pediatrician IRL because I know they would be horrified. But is this ever ok, even if it’s used very sparingly and the pain subsides in a few seconds?

    • FVNC says

      This situation sounds tough, I’m sorry. While I personally would not be opposed to a little swat or grab — enough to startle a child out of the bad behavior (this was my parents’ approach) — I would try to refrain from doing so. My husband has worked as a prosecutor, so I have seen firsthand the (often warranted) scrutiny given to disciplinary measures. You do not want to risk being investigated by CPS or even prosecuted for child abuse. Friends of ours recently underwent a month-long CPS investigation because a child had a mark on her that was the result of an accident — not even a disciplinary measure. It was awful.

    • JJ says

      I was spanked (sparingly) as a child. My parents firmly believe in “spare the rod, spoil the child.” I think I turned out okay. My husband was also spanked – but we’re in an area of the country where I think this is more common.

      Before my kids were born, I felt that physical punishment (spanking, nothing more) was necessary for discipline. And I quickly realized that it just doesn’t work for my family or for me. For one, the only time that I felt like I needed to spank my kids was to punish them for hitting each other…which made logically no sense and I knew would just confuse them. And frankly, it just doesn’t phase my kids. Time outs and taking away toys are much more effective. I also would never spank a child in public (for fear of judgment), which made me realize that if I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it in public, there’s a reason why and I should just not add spanking as a viable discipline method.

      All that to say, I don’t like and I don’t feel comfortable doing it. I do think reactions against spankings are sometimes overwrought – plenty of people grew up with physical discipline and are fine.

      • JJ says

        Also – how old is the baby brother? We’re just getting to the other side of my two boys hitting and biting each other. As you know, toddler violence usually stems from frustration. Giving the older one a chance to work through his feelings (in time out, in his room, etc.) works well for us. Sometimes we just ride out a temper tantrum, and the toddler is much better when it’s over.

      • Anonymous says

        Similar here, too. I was raised with an occasional spanking (not at all an abusive home) when all the other lines were crossed and felt like it worked out okay. Similar for my husband, too. We entered parenting without much thought about it, but spanking was hypothetically on the table.

        We spanked our first child once or twice and decided it was very much not for us. It felt *wrong*. It felt like I was hitting my kid. I felt horrible. Although it was not punishment for hitting, it still felt hypocritical. I was so extremely terrified that they would mention it to a teacher, etc, and we’d end up with CPS involved. Furthermore, it really upset the child but didn’t seem to do any thing more than a non-physical discipline. So, I didn’t even think it worked or was worth it.

        Agree that to OP’s exact situation, ages and specifics of the behavior are helpful for offering advice. (My bet is that the older is three! What an awful age!)

        Ditto NewMom below on the book recs. I’m a big proponent of logical consequences: Hit? loose privileges to be around other people (time out). Tantrum over tv? Lose screen time. Tantrum in the store? Have to stay home next time.

        • Anonymous says

          Also, what really stands out to me in OP’s post is: “My husband was physically abused by his dad and he sees all hitting as abuse.”

          You’ve GOT to be on the same page as your co-parent. We can discuss and debate spanking all day, but if this is where your husband is coming from, I wouldn’t go anywhere near spanking.

    • NewMomAnon says

      I remember being physically corrected as a kid too starting when I was 4. Thinking of my toddler, she imitates everything I do so I don’t think a swat would be an effective discipline technique to change behavior. I know if I were to hit her, she would hit someone else. I do physically remove her from bad situations if necessary, and I’ve raised my voice a few times to get her attention. I also remember feeling deeply ashamed and embarrased when my parents hit me, so I think I will stay away from that discipline technique.

      Have you read “Happiest Toddler on the Block” or “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”? Both offer strategies for disciplining kids; Happiest Toddler is a more old-school discipline system geared toward toddlers (time-outs, warnings, etc). I’ve found them both to be helpful.

    • anony says

      Both my husband and I grew up being physically disciplined and we turned out fine. But, we don’t use that method ourselves. One exception- our child did something to the dog once, maybe hit her or pulled an ear- something that could get him hurt, and without thinking, I popped him on the arm. He was shocked (as was I), but it made quite the impression and he left the dog alone after that. I felt really bad about it though. I don’t like to be physical when I am angry and we know how angry kids can make you.
      I have friends who spank and it doesn’t seem to be working for them. At least one kid is pretty aggressive and mean, although he may be that way without spanking, who knows?
      For the biting, there is a school of thought that if the biter gets bitten back, then they will stop because they now know it hurts. I know that worked to stop a sibling of mine from biting. But, it was a single use tool that came after other methods were exhausted. Toddlers usually bite because they can’t/won’t communicate so I’d try to get to the root cause (sibling jealousy) first.

      • Anon says

        My sister has spanked my 2-year-old niece one time and it was a similar situation. We were in a vacation home with huge staircase and no baby gate. We had told her not to play on the stairs eleventy billion times and physically removed her each time and my sister, after repeated warnings being ignored, popped her once on a diapered butt. I think it startled my niece more than it hurt, but she stayed off the stairs for the rest of the trip. Honestly I doubt it would be effective on a regular basis based on my niece’s personality, but it seemed to be effective in this one isolated situation to drive home the seriousness of the situation and keep her from engaging in dangerous behavior. I am leaning toward not using physical punishment with my own kids, partially due to the science of what it can do, and partially because I am an attorney and have seen the legal issues parents can end up with for even mild physical punishment.

        • Anonymous says

          Ummm what? Instead of being a responsible parent and driving to Target and getting a baby gate she went with hitting?

          • benefit of the doubt says

            I’m assuming in this case that there was not a way to effectively baby-gate the stairs and a fall down the stairs doesn’t lend itself to second chances.

          • Anon OP says

            Yea, thanks. The stair case was a large open one that would have required 3-4 baby gates for a 3 day stay (with no car and no stores remotely close). So I guess, yes, rather than investing in a $100 cab ride and another $100 in baby gates, this was the approach she took (and I saw nothing wrong with – and frankly, don’t particularly care what you think on the subject).

          • Anonymous says

            Then you don’t stay there. I can’t believe people are arguing in favor of hitting a child too young to understand because of your own failure to keep them safe. Unreal.

      • CPA Lady says

        My mom spanked me a lot. My dad was basically an absentee parent, so no discipline from him whatsoever.

        My mom had a quick, hot, and unpredictable temper, was a very authoritarian parent, and the spankings seemed more like she was out of control angry and needed something to take it out on, rather than a thoughtful discipline technique. It just made me feel humiliated and angry to be spanked, but I didn’t feel abused. I don’t think it did any good in terms of keeping me from doing whatever I was doing (mostly talking back). The last time I got spanked I was 13. That was absurd. I don’t feel like my relationship with my mother is any different than it would have been if I hadn’t been spanked. Her authoritarianism is what causes a distance between us, not the spanking.

        I don’t plan on spanking my daughter, mostly because I’m afraid I would do it out of anger and frustration, not because I think that the occasional spanking will cause permanent damage. I had no idea that I could get as angry and frustrated with my daughter as I do, and that makes me even more cautious about the idea of spanking her. I don’t want to become my mother, basically.

        • Anon says

          +1 here

          Replace Mom with Dad and spanking with being shaken or dragged for talking back. It happened rarely, and only when I was ‘bigger’ 6 or older.

          But I have a very similar temperament and don’t even want to open that door.

    • MDMom says

      I was also spanked as a child and turned out fine. I think the thing is, my parents didn’t hit in anger. I would be “sentenced” to a number of spanks and I’d get them that evening with a speech about how “this hurts me more than it hurts you.” OK once as a teenager I called my mom a b**** and she slapped me across the face. But that was the only time and thus made quite an impression.

      I think hitting out of anger is a risky lesson to teach kids, so try to avoid that. If you use it as part of a consistent system of discipline, I think its fine. I think your husband should be on board though.

      From a legal perspective, in my state parents have a right to physically discipline but “excessive” physical discipline may be abuse. Generally that means don’t leave a mark, don’t use instruments (so open hand ok, fist is not, belt is not, burning or scalding is not). Also obviously don’t physically discipline when child isn’t capable of correcting behavior (ie babies). You may want to google the law in your state just to be sure. I have some professional experience in this area of the law.

    • Hitting says

      I responded on the other site, but man – this just sounds like classic attention seeking. Big brother is going after new baby sibling, and mom/dad react. It might not be positive attention, but it’s attention nonetheless. I’d try the avoidance route – try to work in more one on one time with big brother; read hands are not for hitting a lot; and talk a lot about how lucky little brother is to have big brother. In our house, my 4 yr old loves to hear the “Brother” song (by Gavin Degraw, I think you can play it on YouTube on your phone), and whenever we are praising him for something, we add a component of “Wow – so awesome you can teach [little brother] [how to clear his plate, how to use the potty, the alphabet song, etc. etc. etc.].”

    • Amelia Bedelia says

      I do physically correct my child, and do find it effective. My position is to not “overuse” it and to never hit in anger (i.e., sounds like child abuse to me). I find it best used when child is entering a potentially dangerous situation and you want to drive home the seriousness of the action. I use it when child is headed toward the fireplace or outlets. I don’t use it when she just doesn’t pick up her toys or walks the other way when I tell her to come toward me.

      • Famouscait says

        I agree with this above. Our pediatrician suggested we try a quick pop to the bum or upper thigh when we were having troubles with kiddo flailing and trying to squirm off the changing table. It is effective and curbs the behavior. We’ve only had to do it twice, ever.

    • Ro says

      Both my DH and I were spanked as a kid. We try to avoid it as much as possible, but have used it once on my toddler when she ran away from us into a busy parking lot. She came scarily close to getting killed, but in her toddler-world, didn’t realize what the squealing brakes meant or grasp the seriousness at all. I feel like the swat on her butt got her attention more than anything else would have, but maybe because she’s never been hit? I certainly don’t want to hit her, but I also never want to experience anything like that again, and so far (three months later) she’s been a much better listener when we say stop. So I don’t know.

    • Anon for this says

      I know that what you’re asking about is situational and I’m not sure if you’re just looking for a discussion or for examples to show your husband of how it’s really not that bad, but I would really urge you to respect your husband’s wishes on this. My parents infrequently hit me as a kid/teenager out of anger, and never left marks, but it is obvious that they do not understand how deeply it affected me. I’m sure I was being absolutely awful, but it was never a situation where I was about to hurt myself (like running across a parking lot as a toddler).

      My mother said something to me at one point about how it wasn’t as bad as she had it growing up with her father… that still doesn’t make it okay. It created, for me at least, a culture of fear. I remember one day where my father came close to me for non-violent reasons and I flinched because I just sort of expected to be struck. It was Pavlovian. My siblings and I also have/had anger management issues and didn’t learn to properly manage our anger until we were much, much old (college age and older). My siblings have been fired from jobs due to anger issues. My relationship with my father is complicated for many reasons, but there isn’t a solid foundation to build upon due to this abuse and the fact that he cannot admit that he did anything wrong. My relationship with my mother is better because she has at least acknowledged how she hurt me.

      What I experienced was more than just a smack on the arm, but I struggle to say that’s okay but other things are not. I can easily see the slippery slope when making this a part of routine discipline, and I think the consequences (not just legal) are potentially huge. It really warped my sense of self-worth, how to express anger in a healthy way, and my relationship with my parents.

      • Ciao, pues says

        +1 to this. If your husband was abused, hitting your child in any form may trigger those painful memories for him. I would not try to convince him away from this or otherwise get him on board.

        • Anon says

          I think this is extremely important – I am against physical discipline for kids but I think even mild discipline could be triggering to your husband. He couldn’t protect himself as a child, please don’t make him feel like he can’t protect his own children either.

          Also, this is obviously ancedata but I do have accquaitances who ended up getting divorced over their inability to agree on discipline. Their custody arrangment specifically prohibits her from using any physical discipline whatsoever.

    • K. says

      I appreciate the tone that everyone can have in responding to this question!

      Something that hasn’t been mentioned, but is the first thing that comes to mind for me: you mentioned needing a discipline method for helping your child not have inappropriate behavior toward their sibling, such as hitting. I’m not sure what kind of lesson it teaches your child for you to model that inappropriate behavior to them as a way of teaching them not to do that (ie., child hits, so they get hit).

      It sounds like your child might be reacting to something rather than trying to be “bad.” Is it possible your child is trying to get your attention or divert attention from the baby? Maybe handing it from that angle might be helpful. Obviously poor behavior needs some sort of discipline, but I think figuring out the causes of behavior can be helpful too, if you are able.

    • Lorelai Gilmore says

      Your child is acting out because he’s lost mom’s sole attention. Hitting him is giving him attention. It’s bad attention, to be sure, but even negative attention is attention. It’s not likely to actually curb the bad behavior. And it sends the message that hitting is OK, that you show love through physical violence, that you are out of control, and that you don’t respect him. It is not a good way to foster love, respect, or trust. And in light of your husband’s history, I think you make it an absolute red line that you will not cross.

      Instead, I highly recommend setting a clear boundary: “If you hit the baby, it’s an automatic time out in your room.” If he then hits the baby, you stop whatever you are doing (even unlatch the baby from your breast if you are nursing!) and immediately pick up your son, take him to his room, and close the door. No ifs, ands, or buts; no negotiation; no words. He will scream and shout and that’s ok. When he’s ready to have a conversation, go in the room, tell him that he cannot hit, and tell him that you love and treasure him.

      My daughter was kicking and throwing things across the room when her baby brother was born. It only took a few “automatic” time outs for her to stop.

      And I’d also highly recommend spending some time investing in your relationship with your older son. Dig really deep to find as much patience, compassion, and love for him as you can. Even when you don’t feel it – when you’re tired or frustrated – invest in your relationship with your oldest. His world is totally disrupted by the birth of a new sibling and he needs your help and love to navigate that tectonic shift.

    • Gentle touches says

      Please don’t hit your child. He’s just looking for attention because his whole little world has been rocked by the arrival of a new sibling. Plus it’s not effective:

      “Research shows that spanking teaches your child to solve problems with aggression” http://healthycanadians.gc.ca/publications/healthy-living-vie-saine/spanking-2015-fessee/index-eng.php

      And if you are in Canada, possibly illegal depending on your child’s age- physical discipline is only legal if the child is between the ages of 2 and 12 and if it is not done by the parent in anger.

      On a personal note, this was an issue in our family for about a month after our son arrived. Our daughter desparately wanted attention, even if negative attention, we redirected and consistently messaged “no hitting in our family” and “hitting is not okay in our family” and “hands are not for hitting” and “gentle touches for brothers”

    • layered bob says

      only have a baby who is much too young to be spanked yet, but this was something my husband and I talked about a lot before we had kids – he was never spanked growing up, while I was (as one part of an overall parenting strategy – and all of our parents were great parents and we have a close relationship with them now).

      Our philosophy: spanking (open hand, on upper thigh/bottom) may be a useful discipline strategy for us 1. in the age window when the child is old enough to control their behavior but too young to respond to reason/logical consequences, 2. when not done in anger, and 3. when the child’s behavior is dangerous and not merely disobedient.

    • Anonymous says

      My husband and I were both spanked on occasion (I think he more often than I) when we were growing up, and both of us have perfectly fine, healthy, loving relationships with our parents. I remember being spanked once because I lied to my mom’s face, but the other times, “you’ll get a spanking and go to your room for the rest of the day/night” was the end of the line when I’d been undeterred by other threats/punishments, and the threat alone was usually effective. So, I’m not opposed to it in principle, but I don’t think it works in the situation you’re describing. I know that it doesn’t with my son, because my husband has bopped him on the head or swatted his bottom while saying “we don’t hit!” in response to son hitting his baby sister. He failed to see how this sends a confusing message to a toddler, and it never did anything to stop the bad behavior. I hate seeing my husband physically discipline my son in situations I don’t think are appropriate, and it makes me really, really angry that we have talked about this, he knows that I disapprove, and he does it anyway. To be clear, it’s not violent, doesn’t leave a mark, and I’m not at all worried about my husband being ragey or abusive, I just think it’s an ill-advised tactic that is not serving the intended purpose. Definitely don’t do that to your husband, who probably would have a much more visceral reaction because of his past.

      Outside of the physical discipline question, though, I have a suggestion that finally helped us when my 2-year old son was being really aggressive toward his baby sister (after no luck with time outs, taking away toys, aforementioned physical punishment, etc). We created a radius around the baby where big brother was not allowed, and repeatedly observed “I won’t let you play near your sister until you can be gentle. It hurts her when you hit/push/kick, and I know you love her and don’t want her to be hurt.” If he tried to get close to her, we would just calmly pick one up and move him/her away, and repeat the mantra. We made sure to play with our son during this time — the idea wasn’t to punish him by banishing him, just that he couldn’t be near his sister. After almost a week, he was allowed to play near her again with an advance warning that if he wasn’t gentle, he would not be allowed near his sister for the rest of the day. We only had to follow through on that a couple of times. Now, he announces when he’s playing gently and practically glows when we praise him, and even if baby sister is destroying a block tower he built, he’ll flap his arms and cry about it, but he doesn’t touch her. I’m under no illusions that this will be a permanent fix, but it’s lasted a few months so far and is so. much. better. I think half of the success was devising a plan while calm. Kids can be jerks! When you don’t have “if X, I will do Y” already in your head, it’s easy to get reactive and say/do things you might later feel are strategic errors. Having a plan keeps you from improvising, and consistency is key for toddlers actually learning a cause-effect relationship.

      TL/DR, don’t hit because your husband is not on the same page. Plus, every kid is different, but in my experience it doesn’t work for this situation. What worked for us is a combination of separating the kids, paying a little extra attention to the older one, and positive reinforcement of good behavior.

    • Anonymous says

      While my parents certainly slapped my hand on occasion it wasn’t until I was 5 or so (and specifically it was always when I did something rotten to my little sister who has learning disabilities) and they could explain and discuss it with me.

      I agree with some of the other posters that it sounds like your toddler is doing this for attention. So come up with a mantra for yourself that you repeat whenever your older child is hurting his younger sibling. Something like: Mean children leave the room. Nice children get cuddles. (Sorry it doesn’t rhyme.) Or even “Mean children get ignored. Nice children get hugs.” You need to have both halves because there is a behavior you want to replace — you don’t want to have your older kid just ignore the baby because all the interactions with the baby are negative. You want positive interactions to replace negative ones.

      And then you need to follow through on both halves: kid bites sibling, gets picked up and left in his room. Or you and baby go to another part of the house for a couple minutes.

      And then you need to praise the heck out of your kid whenever he is nice to the baby. It’s tough because you are tired and worried about the baby, but even ten seconds of praise and cuddles and then handing the kid one of his favorite toys to play with will be enough.

      Just remember that once a new behavior has been established you need to start switching up your praise so that the behavior becomes internalized instead of only being externally driven (by your praise). Once he achieves some amount of consistency try warm smiles OR verbal praise OR a hug OR a toy. After you’ve mixed it up, try praising only every three or four times — you want praise to often enough to be reinforcing, but random enough that you don’t end up being the mom who is still praising her kid for using the toilet when they’re in first grade.

      You want your praise to be like a slot machine — often enough that they come back, but not so often that you have to actually pay out all the time.

  4. Anon says

    Similar background here – my husband was hit as a child and is absolutely against it; I was physically disciplined a handful of times as a kid and feel neutral about it. Do I think the kind of reprimands you describe are psychologically (or otherwise) harmful? No. But I have anecdotal awareness from parent-friends that this type of discipline doesn’t always work (off the top of my head … had about a 40% success rate?) and there’s the risk that kids receive the message that hitting is an appropriate response when you’re upset about some else’s behavior. I think it’s possible to physically discipline an effective, appropriate way that will work with some kids – but I’d have a hard time thinking of how to explain the nuances of why MY hitting was okay and his wasn’t, at least to a kid my own kid’s age (just under 2.)

    You didn’t ask, but the toddler behavior you’re describing sounds pretty typical for a jealous toddler who has had their mom-turf infringed upon in a major way. Extra one-on-one time with the toddler might be just as / more effective to correct the aggressive behavior towards the baby.

  5. Ouch! says

    My 10-month old is biting me. Constantly. He bites my nipples when nursing, and he bites my shoulders, arms, legs, anything else when we are playing or snuggling. He won’t stop. Saying “No,” or “please don’t bite Mommy” or “biting hurts,” doesn’t work. Reacting (ouch!) and not reacting both do not work. Putting him down, stopping to engage with him, also doesn’t work. It’s like he just cannot compute. (He is teething, and this only started once teeth came in, but it’s been more or less constant since.)

    Please help.

    • rakma says

      DD had about 8 teeth come in, one right after another–it was a long period of endless teething. When she was biting, we found that distraction with something she was allowed to bite was good–we went through endless teething toys, (different ones seemed to work for different teeth) she chewed on a particular stuffed animal for a week or two, she would play with rubber tipped spoons after eating. Having something to give her when she was biting us/me at least made me feel better, and usually distracted her.
      Also, pain reliever as approved by the pediatrician when she was obviously teething, particularly at bedtime.

    • K. says

      It took me a while–WEEKS!–to figure out that my daughter was biting me because she didn’t like that I was trying to read or look online while nursing. She was biting me because at least she got my attention (even if it meant she was removed from nursing as a punishment). Once I started talking to her and paying her attention, she stopped biting. I’m sure there are various reasons for biting, but I just thought I’d throw that out there.

      • Anon says

        I found this as well. I don’t know how but my son can tell when i’m on my phone while he’s nursing and he hates it and will bite.

    • Anonymous says

      books: Teeth Are Not For Biting and No Biting! — try to read them both daily
      time: a month or two — part of this is just growing up
      teething toys: frozen, not frozen, amber necklace, etc. — maybe the child is looking for oral stimulation
      medicine: try advil (check w your doc first!), baby could just be teething and in a crazy amount of pain
      redirection: try distracting with crunchy foods (e.g., goldfish) just to give him a new texture in his mouth

      good luck. parenting is hard.

      • Anonymous says

        i was pretty skeptical about the whole book thing but it totally worked for me.

    • NewMomAnon says

      Have you tried a nursing necklace like the ones from ChewBeadz (they are for mom to wear, not the same as the amber teething necklaces)? When baby used to bite/pinch/scratch, I would substitute a bead for whatever was being injured. It was helpful.

      My toddler is now biting while nursing – she is getting two teeth and congested. I gently put some pressure on her chin to force her to open her jaw, and say, “No bite.” If it doesn’t work, I unlatch her and start over. It’s not working as well as I would like….

      • Babyweight says

        I gave up nursing and when to pumping exclusively because biting me had become a game. I tried the “ouch” thing as suggested, but baby girl just giggled. Did I miss nursing? Yes. Did I hate pumping? Yes. Did I hate bites even more? Absolutely.

    • Jdubs says

      I have had good luck recently with the H&M Mama ones. They have a 200 denier tights which are very opaque.

  7. Anon says

    Any suggestions for announcing a pregnancy in BigLaw? I’m 14 weeks and pretty much showing. I really need the option of wearing maternity clothes since I’m out of normal clothes that fit. I’m just not sure how to go about this. My group lead is out of town for a trial until Thanksgiving–I feel like I should tell him first but I’m not emailing him at trial. That would not be well received. Do I have to wait until he is back? It could be December with travel and Thanksgiving. The other partners that I work with regularly are all in other offices. Do I just call and tell them out of the blue? That seems weird. There are other partners in my office who I’ve worked with in the past, but I’m not working with them on a matter at the moment so there is no official reason to tell them. Do I need to personally tell them anyways since they may give me work sometime in the next 7 months? Ack. This is so awkward.

    • Anon says

      It sounds like you won’t actually see anyone you work with directly before your lead partner gets back from trial. I don’t think I would tell anyone else before him, so if it was me, I would probably just wear maternity clothes if you want to and wait until he gets back to tell him. I don’t think you have a duty to tell anyone else right away in the off chance they give you work in the next 7 months. There is a chance gossip may start before you tell him, but that isn’t really your problem. It isn’t ideal, but you aren’t doing anything wrong by waiting if you aren’t comfortable telling him while he is in trial.

      • Anon says

        I work with a bunch of associates who are all in my office. They will likely all figure it out before he is back. It seems uncomfortable for it to be common knowledge amongst the the associates without having told a partner on the case.

        • mascot says

          The partner’s main concern is when/if you are returning from maternity leave and how to staff cases in your absence. He won’t have the same emotional reaction that you may get in your personal life because you told your aunt the news before your sister. When you do get a chance to tell him, just mention that you wanted to tell him in person and not distract from trial. If someone says something before that, you can also mention that you haven’t gotten to talk to him directly but will do so when he gets back. You don’t need to be miserable the next 3 weeks waiting on his return.

    • kc esq says

      I would say the group lead is typically the first place to go, then HR. Given that the group lead is not available, go to HR and ask for advice. Perhaps someone from HR will want to shoot him an email. If they don’t, tell him as s soon as he is back in the office. Remember you are sharing GOOD news. Tell him that you would have told him sooner, but didn’t want to to disturb him while he was on trial. Unless he’s a lunatic, he won’t be offended if other people figured it out while he was out of town for weeks.

  8. Anon. says

    Can’t decide if I take things too critically or I’m being judged for being pregnant. Sitting in my office working on a project wearing my glasses (usually wear contacts) and my boss walks in (first time in the office in over a week) and says “hey kid, I guess pregnancy is affecting your eyesight”. I am sitting here stewing, but am I overreacting? Or is that very judgmental of him?

    • Anon in NYC says

      I think you’re overreacting. Pregnancy actually can affect your eyesight (per my eye doctor), so maybe your boss has experience with this? It seems like a thoughtless comment, but not really judgmental or critical.

    • kc esq says

      I think he meant it as a joke. I don’t think he really meant to imply that pregnancy was causing your need for glasses. I can see my boss making a pointless joke like that. I wouldn’t take offense.

  9. anon says

    What is the protocol on holiday gifts for a nanny? We have a part-time person who comes in 15 hours a week and who started about a month ago. Any suggestions? $100 gift card? 1 week pay?

  10. Reversed Roles says

    This morning, my mom asked me how I felt about her divorcing my dad and coming to live with us. They have been unhappy for many years. She only stays with him because she can’t financially support herself on her pension income of a few hundred dollars a month. My husband and I live in a small house so we would need to convert an office (he works from home 1x/wk) into a hybrid office/guest room, though we are planning to move into a bigger house within the next year or two. We love my 1 year old’s daycare so would continue to send her at least 2-3 days/wk. My mom is offering to watch her the other days, do housework, laundry, etc. which would be a real bonus for us as we are definitely strapped for time. That being said, I’m scared to basically have to take responsibility on for my mother for the rest of her life… but I feel like not doing it would mean I’m dooming her to stay in a deeply unhappy situation. What would you do?

    • Anonymous says

      Yikes! That’s a big dilemma. There are so many specifics involved that it’s hard to give advice. (How well does your mom and you/husband get along? What would this mean for your relationship with your father and ability to spend time with him? Would her childcare and housekeeping contributions be real or on paper-only? Are your parents unhappy or is there abuse? Can you move to a larger house now rather than when scheduled? etc).

      As a fellow small-house dweller I need to point out that it would not mean converting and office into a hybrid office/guest room. It would mean converting an office into a bedroom and the living room into a hybrid living room/office. If your mom is going to come live with you, that would be her full-time bedroom. Your husband’s not going be using her bedroom as an office.

      • TBK says

        I think she means that they currently have an office AND a guest room, and now mom would be taking the guest room so any guests would have to stay in the office.

        • Anonymous says

          Hmmm… Maybe. That wouldn’t be a big deal, then.

          But that would mean that it’s a 4-bd house, which is by no means a small house!

    • Due in December says

      I would be scared about taking on that responsibility, as well. I think before saying yes or no to this, you (and your mother) need to have a serious look at her finances and perhaps consult with a divorce attorney so you both have a realistic idea of what she would be looking at for the rest of her life if living with you didn’t work out long term (a distinct possibility). Also to be considered…what will happen down the road if/when her health declines.

      What does your husband think about it? And do you have any siblings around? And what is your relationship with your mother like…are you excited about the prospect of having her live with you? What about your relationship with your father?

    • NewMomAnon says

      You need to work with a financial planner, and consult a divorce attorney. If she can’t support herself on her pension, that likely means your dad would need to kick in some alimony and she would be entitled to a chunk of his retirement resources. The financial planner can help figure out the right allocation of those. Also, is she eligible for Social Security or similar? Is she eligible for subsidized housing? Subsidized nursing home? Can she work? Should she get disability payments?

      The problem with divorce is that there usually aren’t enough resources for both parties to maintain the same standard of living they had experienced together, but a divorce attorney can help ensure that both parties feel the pain roughly equally.

      I’m not saying you should push her toward those other options that a divorce attorney or financial planner might suggest – I think it just makes sense for you to know the range of possibilities. It can also be helpful if having her move in doesn’t work, and you need to come up with Plan B.

    • mascot says

      I agree with the above posters about you have a lot of due diligence to do here. Not sure that this is an alternative to divorce or merely a trial run, but has your mom stayed with you for any period of time? Can she come for a 3 week stay to try this out? Having a few long sessions apart may also give your parents some distance that makes the time that she is home more bearable.

      • Anonymous says

        I want to add to mascot’s comment. My parents were also deeply unhappily married my entire life. Around their 27th year of marriage, my mother took a 4 month trip out of the state. When they actually spent 1/3 of a year apart – the marriage fundamentally changed when they came back together. It’s hard to explain. She had been planning to divorce him about a year after that trip when my youngest sibling graduated college. but for both of them, ‘trying on’ life without the other sort of jolted both of their heads and they are more happily married now than they have ever been (I mean, they are no love birds, but they obviously now ‘want’ to stay married vs. feeling stuck).

        So while YMMV, you may want to suggest that she visit for the purpose of ‘helping you’ for 3-6 months, and see where her feelings are there. That’s always the official reason – even if she’s made up her mind about divorce and divorce is the best option, you can ‘officially’ cross that bridge when you get there without burning bridges with other family members.

ABOUT

WORK WITH US

SERIOUS STUFF