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anon says
I posted last week about my MIL who won’t stop bringing unwanted clothes and gifts for my kids. She came over for a small Super Bowl party yesterday. She was supposed to bring two pizzas. She brought no pizzas. Instead, she brought: waffles, a half eaten days-old turkey sandwich (I thought you’d want it, I won’t finish it), several bags of chips, two fruit salads, leftover spaghetti, half a loaf of stale bread, and coffee creamer. My husband politely told her we didn’t want or need these things, and she stormed off in tears crying about how ungrateful we are and how she’ll never do anything nice for us ever again, and good luck to us, since now we’re on our own and will have to buy our own food. She returned two hours later, with pizzas, acting like nothing ever happened.
Cb says
Wow, that seems like a lot is going on from a mental health perspective. I’m sorry you had to deal with the fallout.
TheElms says
That sounds rough. This seems like pretty odd behavior (at least to me) … could there be anything else going on with your MIL?
anon says
I believe she’s a hoarder, though I’ve never seen her home.
Just found the rest of what she brought: cheerios, tights, a sticker book, a glue stick, and baby food (3 month old does not eat baby food and won’t for some time due to prematurity). To those of you who said I should graciously accept her gifts, this is precisely why I will not be doing so.
Anon says
I’m sure there’s a kinder preach, but I would just flat out refuse. Very different but my mom brings all kinds of things from her house because shes downsizing and I want none of it, though she doesn’t ask first. We’re at the point now where I point blank tell her, “”your trash can or mine, but that’s where this is going.” No thank you’s or niceties. Firm no. Took a while but she’s taking the hint.
It’s your MIL so maybe it’s your husband’s place to make the comment. But this internet stranger gives you full permission to say no, not say thank you and to put it in the trash.
I also will echo the chorus that I think there are mental health concerns behind all of this. I also am surprised to see you haven’t been to her home and she comes to yours so frequently, is there more there?
Anonymous says
You’ve never seen your MIL’s home? That’s sorta strange to me. I posted that my mom is like this, and she IS a horder. Just take the stuff and ask her”thanks; do you want back what doesn’t work for us or should I donate it? Then do exactly that. It will consume less mental energy than battling her to take it.
I say this only because my mom brings bags of stuff to me all the time. It’s a waste of her time and money. But I’m 40 and my kids are in elem and she has been like this their entire lives; she’s not going to change. She gets the message when I return 95% of what she brings us, or if she buys stuff I tell her we don’t need and then later let her know I donated it.
Anon says
If I knew someone was a hoarder and they brought me stuff like that, I would throw it away and do them a favor. Hoarders have a REALLY hard time getting rid of things that are trash – there can be a lot of anxiety about “wasting” something that could still be reused or “disposing” of something that can technically be recycled. There can also be a paralyzing inertia about sorting through mounds of stuff and figuring out what is trash, for Goodwill, for family, and so on. OP, do your MIL a favor and get rid of garbage for her – otherwise it’s going back into her house. This is clearly a mental health issue and not just a “teehee MILs suck” situation.
Anonymous says
Well, to be fair to us, this post adds a whole bunch of additional information that seems really significant. Based on what you’ve said here, she seems to have some mental instability. I would stop dealing with her as if she is going to have a normal, mature response and simply expect that her to be volatile and not make sense. With a person like that, I’d simply accept whatever she brings and put it straight into the trash or donate pile. I’d also stop asking or expecting her to fulfill a commitment like “bring the pizza.”
Anon says
My husband’s aunt does this, and she is a hoarder. It was easier to just take stuff from her than to get made about it– unless it became a financial issue. (Like if she gave us a check and told us to not cash it until two weeks later, we would just not cash it. She kept cards and a checkbook in her car and would just write us checks whenever she saw us.)
Anonymous says
You must be my sister in law. If so, I’m so sorry. My mom is like this. There is no good answer other than to (1) never assign her important parts of meals and (2) roll with it.
My mom’s drama peaked when she started going through menopause and has sort of stayed semi insane now that she’s in her late 60s. She’s just so easily offended and has the emotional maturity of a….moody 13 year old.
In the case above, I’d have (1) never assigned her a core element of the day (bring dessert! Bring snacks! You decide what; we have other bringing things too!) and (2) taken her bag of groceries and set it aside, tossing it later.
My mom brings stuff from her fridge ALL THE TIME and it makes me crazy. It’s like…she can’t bring herself to throw it out, so she brings it here. Or it’s “such a good deal” at the store or grocery; how could she not? It’s easier to just toss it/donate it vs engage with her as to why she brought it.
I’m sorry there isn’t a better answer.
Anonymous says
This is sorta unrelated but what is it with menopause and mental health and it not being researched? My mom went from a totally low key (benignly neglectful) mom with my older siblings to a SUPER anxious helicopter mom with me because of menopause. Like really insane stuff and I was the most responsible kid out of the three. And I swear it was the menopause.
Anon says
Research into women’s health in general is very poorly funded if it’s not fertility related (the same goes for medical conditions that disproportionately affect women; they get much less research funding).
Also, the research could touch on psychiatric side effects of hormonal BC (for those who get them) which is a very thorny topic when access to BC is still politically threatened. Because unfortunately some people get similar symptoms on BC.
Anon says
Is she in mental health treatment?
Clementine says
I have a stepmother like this. She sends some combination of things that are… nonsensical and overwhelming.
I drew a hard line and said each kid is allowed 2 items max per event. One clothing and one toy. It got slightly better but also I have donated a lot of things over the years. She has to make a decision…very possible nothing you can say or do will be ‘right’ and I think preserving whatever sanity you can is likely the best move.
anon says
Ideas or tips on how to improve concentration and focus for a 4 year old? My DS seems to have trouble engaging with anything for more than a few minutes. We can’t get him to focus enough to practice letters/numbers/writing, etc. He doesn’t seem interested in puzzles or games much. He’s very imaginiative and could play pretend all day, but it takes a lot of effort to get him to sit down and draw or color or something with us. He doesn’t seem to have this issue at school, where he seems to be on track mostly. He does know his numbers to 20 and letters, for the most part, sometimes gets them wrong or has to be reminded. I know he’s still young for this and I don’t think its really an issue yet, but I just want to find ways to help him concentrate. Sometimes we can get him to sit down to write letters or something, but if he encounters even a bit of difficulty (a letter he doesn’t remember for example), he refuses to continue and will just play or turn it into a joke. Anyone else deal with this?
anon says
He sounds perfectly normal, if a bit ahead on academics. I wouldn’t try to change anything! I don’t think it’s healthy to give children a vibe that they should be focusing on academics instead of pretend play at 4.
Anon says
completely agree! after a day at school if your kid’s interest is not sitting and coloring/writing, who cares. let your kid play. he is FOUR! 4 year olds are not expected to sit quietly for an hour and draw or color or do puzzles if they don’t like to do those things. every kid is different with different interests. i have a friend whose kid LOVES puzzles, my 5.5 year old twins could care less.
Anon2 says
Thirding this. He does not need to sit and practice anything. If he can focus on pretend play for a while then he sounds fine. Play is the BEST way to learn and solidify concepts in the brain.
It is true with ADHD that a child can have great focus when he chooses his own activity, but struggle when other people direct him. However, there’s a reason people don’t screen for it until age 5 or 6. And usually the inattentiveness will show up at school and home.
I would absolutely stop pressuring him to “work” and let him be
Anon says
It’s completely normal for a 4 year old to not focus on anything for more than a few minutes. There’s nothing you need to do. Let him play pretend and be a kid – why is coloring better than pretend play?
Anonymous says
Please don’t? He’s doing great. Imaginative play is focus. He is 4 he should not be sitting down to practice his letters. He should be imaginatively exploring the world. Y’all are the issue not him.
Anonymous says
Yes, please stop. He does not need any academic practice at home. Please just enjoy your delightfully imaginative four year old. An attention span of 5 minutes at age 4 is great! The fact that he’s doing these things at preschool is great! Please relax.
Anon says
My daughter was exactly the same at 4. Our ped said it’s normal and as long as they can focus for longer periods of time on an activity they enjoy (in our case, pretend play) it’s not anything to worry about.
Why are you making a 4 year old practice writing letters? I don’t make my 6 year old do that and she’s in actual school. Preschool/daycare years should be for playing.
Anonymous says
nope, let him be 4. if he can do letters and numbers to 20, he’s on track for K. The state standard in MA is numbers to 100 by the end of K if that makes you feel any better :)
Anon says
He’s your first right? This is all normal. And also you’re doing waaay more at home than I ever did.
Anonymous says
Find something he loves and have him do it with focus. Eg puzzles.
Anonymous says
Monday win- my kid had a full neuropsych battery done this year. It was with an out of network provider, and cost $4800. We knew this when booking it, and went ahead assuming insurance wouldn’t pay. Then DH’s company added out of network mental health coverage for 2024, so we thought perhaps they’d cover a small portion of the visit since testing. I got the EOB yesterday and they are covering everything except $1k! I was fully expecting to have to go around in circles with them to get them to cover ANYTHING since often they want the schools or the GP to diagnose ADHD (which she has, but also, which we knew going in) and they don’t cover “educational testing” (which a lot of the neuropsych was). I think our magician of a provider knew the right way to bill the testing to get it covered–essentially using the testing to rule out medical conditions vs diagnose a learning disorder? IDK but man, what a great start to the week.
Anon says
That’s really great news. It’s very problematic that mental health coverage is so rare – I hope the eval has also brought you good or at least useful information
Anon says
That is a win! And congrats for getting that done for your child.
Related question, for you and others: did you go with a “center” or an individual psychologist/practitioner? I am starting down this path for my son and after lots of research I’m unsure how to proceed
Anonymous says
I posted above. Our situation was that we have MAJOR behavior issues at home, she clearly is not neurotypical to us, and yet, school says she’s fine. She’s…not fine. We talked to our GP and they had us do a family and teacher screening last year. According to the screening she has ADHD. GP asked if we wanted meds. School said they don’t see any performance or behavior issues. We felt really weird with this extremely streamlined approach so went to have her evaluated by a private neuropsych. Appointment took eons to schedule. He’s private, and expensive (Located in Wellesley, MA if anyone needs a rec). I happen to have a few friends that are in student services in MA and when I mentioned who we used they smiled and groaned and said “he’s the one I’d use…he’s rock solid in recommendations and we [the school district] can’t ever fight him.”
She was diagnosed as 2e (ADHD and highly gifted), which explains why the school doesn’t see performance issues. Our report came with very specific recommendations, most of which are “look out for X and if you see it, do Y” or “in upper grades, I expect to see her struggle with X, Y, and Z which will need supports like ABC” or “teachers that do X and Y are a better fit than those that do Z”.
Anon says
I’m 10:16, this is helpful! My son is 6.5 and also does well at school. We are in Fairfield county CT (if anyone has recs). But after a period of doing better, we are back to near-daily meltdown, full of destruction and hitting/biting/kicking. He also clearly suffers with shame, and has started saying he “wishes he were dead” and how he “can’t stop thinking about all the things he does wrong and how he’s the worst boy in the universe.” I’m not going to be the mother who ignores that.
Additionally, he’s always had struggles with focusing on tasks/transitions/executive functioning. Maturity has helped some, but not enough. I have three kids and my gut feeling is strong with him.
Sorry for the word vomit, it’s just freeing to be able to share with people who get it (read: not my parents, who think it’s a discipline issue or the fact that his older brother teases him).
Anonymous says
I have three and just want to encourage you to go with your gut. Mine is one of three as well and it’s just so different.
I would just start with his pedi as a first step. You can also email the teacher and ask for a quick meeting to see what if anything s/he is observing. I’d make some calls to a child psychologist as well and just see what they say. The neuropsych was really about teasing out if there were any learning disabilities, or attention issues, or whatever, in the mix with my kid although they did have an anxiety screener (technically it’s for kids 8+).
Just another idea out of left field, is that my neighbor has PANDAS (and ADHD). It took forever for him to get the diagnosis and it’s not super common but you may want to take a look and see if the profile fits.
TheElms says
This sounds like my kid starting at age 3. We did a full neuropsych earlier this year and even at 4 we got a diagnosis for anxiety and a provisional diagnosis for adhd (our practice won’t officially diagnose adhd until age 5). Absolutely don’t ignore it. We also used the testing to get our school’s equivalent of an IEP put in place, which is helping with school issues.
We are doing OT for the self-regulation / transition issues and while its far from a cure all its definitely helping. And the OT has been able to do some sessions at school, which has really helped the OT tailor to the issues that are going on a school.
Anon says
If you wouldn’t mind, can you elaborate on the issues you see at home? My daughter is 3 and I wonder if she will have a similar diagnosis some day.
Anon says
is your 3 year old your oldest? i say this because 3 year olds are a whole other ballgame and you can’t really judge future behavior based on this. i have twins. my twin who was more challenging at 3 is not the one i am now suspecting might have ADHD. OP – one of my twins sounds exactly like your kiddo. MAJOR behavior challenges at home but a completely different kiddo at school. We definitely deal with restraint collapse with her twin, but this is different. your post today actually gave me the nudge i needed to reach out to the pediatrician to see who they recommend for testing. medication probably would also not make sense for us at this stage given her issues, but
Anonymous says
At 3 she had horrible sleep (we had her tested for apnea- she would wake middle of the night and not go back), extremely picky about damn near everything, and socially really immature. Never interested in screens (ha, now too interested).
I have two other girls and her development was just very different. She’s also been non-stop movement, terrible at waiting in lines, gets “stuck” in her thinking and behavior and for a long time (ages 4-6) had wild life disrupting meltdowns, total inability to self regulate, usually due to being overtired. Her neuropsych basically told us that’s her “fighting with herself” and this has improved with time but is still very much behind normal development.
Anon says
Ha, um 3 year olds are terrible. I’d wait before I worry about future diagnoses. My kids were all sociopaths at 3.
Anon says
Yeah I had a nightmare of a 3 year old (daily 1-2 hour meltdowns) who grew into a pretty delightful 4.5-5 year old and is now thriving in elementary school academically, socially and emotionally. I don’t think all 3 year olds are like mine (my BFF has a 3 year old now, and he’s the sweetest, most delightful kid… when he’s mad it lasts for like two minutes TOPS) but I do think it’s extremely normal for 3 year olds to have wildly intense disregulated emotions and grow out of it.
Anon says
There are a lot of sleep disorders other than sleep apnea. I’d keep an eye on all this in case she doesn’t outgrow it.
Anon says
can i ask what you’ve done at home to help? i suspect i have a similar kiddo. she is already in OT
Anonymous says
Check out collaborative problem solving ( CPS) parenting . I am not sure how much luck you’ll have at 3 but it has helped us a lot. She refused dance and it always led to meltdowns (“I love it but I hate it but I want to go but don’t want to go, the tights hurt my feet,” etc) and after some CPS we took her out of ballet/tap and put her in hip hop and jazz classes where she can wear leggings vs rights with her leotard and the movement is faster. She hasn’t complained all year and wants to do dance team as soon as she’s old enough.
For things like food, we relax our expectations and give her a lot of bandwidth. If she doesn’t like dinner, she has to have a protein, a start & a vegetable. We don’t tell her “push your chair in and put your knees down” but we say “no crumbs on the floor.” If she wants to solve that by eating upside down like a bat, fine (she doesn’t!). She also eats much better when she can help make dinner. We also had all 3 kids work on menus for breakfast and every day the little two pick something off the menu. Has dramatically cut down on AM hangry meltdowns over what to eat.
Structure and routine are also critical. So is making sure she’s well fed.
We’ve had to relax how much we push her to do activities she wants to do then decides after 2 classes she doesn’t want to do. We also have learned that she has a lot of whims and we talk about the impact of signing up and not doing things. For example, she wants to do basketball team next year like my other kids but if she decides after 2 weeks to quit her team will be a player short and not have enough subs which isn’t fair to the team. She decided not do it. We told her she has to find a sport/athletic pursuit and she settled on gymja warrior classes. Fine by us esp since you pay per class!
We also spend $$$ on vacation to ensure she can be accommodated. Flights that won’t mess with her sleep, accommodations where she can get her own room if needed, etc.
anon says
We went through a big hospital system (Children’s National, we’re DC area), because we have two kids and wanted a place that took insurance.
Anonymous says
Childrens wouldn’t even add us to their waitlist, it’s so long. But we got a recommendation for a private psychologist that did a great job assessing our 3.5 -year old.
Lil says
which one? childrens can’t add us either.
Anonymous says
Dr. Sharon Singh — she was really great, but she doesn’t work with older kids, just preschool age.
anon says
Ugh, that sucks. We got comparatively lucky and only had to wait 9 months on their waitlist.
Anon says
someone please remind me that hair grows. my 5.5 year old twin girls got haircuts this weekend and it is much shorter than I (and they) wanted. their hair that was practically to their tush is now more like shoulder length.
Anonymous says
It does grow and butt length hair isn’t good! It encumbers play and is hard to manage. Cut it off more frequently to an appropriate length and it will be easier for all of you to handle.
Anon says
+1 I thought you were going to say they got ahold of some scissors and cut it all off themselves. Shoulder length hair is normal and much better than butt length hair for active kids.
OP says
butt length might have been a bit of an exaggeration on my part, more like mid/lower back length, and yes doing their hair this morning was easier, but i’ll be glad when it grows another inch or two
Anonymous says
Also gently explore why
Redux says
^this
Anonymous says
and once they eventually get lice, you’ll be glad it isn’t butt length.
anon says
My daughter is 9, so it’s a bit different with a slightly older kid, but I so wish I could convince her to go shoulder length or slightly longer. It would suit her hair type so much better. Right now her hair is mid-back length. She loves her hair, which is why I haven’t forced the issue, but I think it’s overly hard to manage. Her hair is fine and tangles easily, and I honestly think it gets raggedy looking very quickly, even when it was combed 30 minutes earlier. She isn’t a huge fan of pulling it back for school, although has acquiesced for sports. But, I am admittedly a mom who doesn’t have a particular love of long hair.
Anonymous says
Mine is 10 and has what I consider long hair- mid/lower back, but still a good ways from her hips.
Our deal is she has to keep it clean and nice looking or it goes short. She’s been fantastic about it and honestly, it looks awesome. It’s thick and blonde and the stylists always tell her how people pay good money for hair like hers.
Our only issue has been that it is heavy and wearing a high ponytail for sports gives her a headache so she wears it low then gets sweaty. She doesn’t like the double pony tail look. Sometimes she’ll do braids.
Anonymous says
Of course it grows! The better you can model being chill and relaxed about it — “It’s just hair! It grows! We’ll enjoy it this length, and then when it’s longer, we’ll enjoy that, too!” — the more you’ll help them not be tied to the length of their hair as being something that’s super important in the grand scheme of life.
Anon says
It’s super fun when little boys get bad haircuts. Squirmy preschooler = crooked bangs.
All I can do is laugh until they grow out a little more evenly.
Anonymous says
My kid hates haircuts, so of course we only do them right before important things (back to school, seeing relatives at thanksgiving, etc) which then leads to him having a slightly too-short, uneven hair line in the front for all our cute family photos. Oh well!
Anon says
For those of you who are also struggling with miscarriages or loss, there is a beautiful piece in The Atlantic today: “She Was My Daughter. But Am I A Mom?” It made me tear up. This path feels so lonesome at times, even though I know we’re not alone.
EP-er says
Gift Link:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2024/02/motherhood-fertility-loss-identity/677380/?gift=3LzQxP0vB-dncjLCTRr-TfIAysaBvSE1XMGGEXWJdwU&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share
FTM says
Did you use cotton balls to change your newborn’s diaper in the beginning? I’m expecting my first and one of the baby books recommended that
Anon says
Nope – I’ve never heard of that, and not even sure how they would be used.
AwayEmily says
Maybe up your nose to stop the smell?
Anon says
same, seems odd to me.
anon says
Wut? No. That sounds impractical.
Anon says
No. And I’m going to say something scandalous but, we never even use wipes with just pee. Wipes can be irritating to skin, and esp with disposable diapers it is absorbed so fast that it barely gets on baby (Google it – it’s true.) Three kids later and we’ve had no issues
Anon says
Same. I thought it was standard to only use wipes for poop. The diaper absorbs the pee, so there’s not really anything to wipe away.
Anonymous says
It never even occurred to me to use wipes unless there was something to wipe.
Anon says
water wipes, always and forever.
Chl says
Like to wipe them? No.
Anon says
Is the book French? I think it’s a thing elsewhere but not in the US.
Anon says
French person here. Not sure if this is what you’re asking but I do use cotton (squares, not balls) and liniment (some people make their own, I can’t be bothered so I get the Mustela brand which is available in the US) to wipe down pee. If it’s poop or if we’re out and about we use regular (unscented) wipes.
Anonymous says
My guess is that the book was from 1950?
Anonymous says
To do what?!
Clementine says
No, but we did use all cloth diapers and flannel wipes for any pee – mostly just to dry the skin. Preferred pre-moistened wipes for any solids.
Note: This was for first kid… second kid was 50% cloth and at this point the baby has been fully in Costco diapers since birth. I’d love to cloth diaper again but with multiple kids it doesn’t make the priority list anymore.
FTM says
Lol glad to know this isn’t a thing. Apparently you’re supposed to use them to wipe, but that sees very impractical
Anonymous says
If there’s a really bad diaper rash, cotton balls dipped in water could help you be gentle getting poop off versus “scrubbing”/rubbing with wipes. Otherwise that’s old school advice that no one uses.
Anonymous says
A cousin reached out to me through Linkedin and said they are starting a financial planning practice and want to have a zoom meeting with me to tell me about it. This is someone I send/receive holiday cards with but haven’t seen in person in 4 or 5 years. I’m not looking for financial planning advice at the moment. What should I tell them?
anon says
I’d probably congratulate them and gush a bit about how happy I am for them. Then I’d say that I’m probably not the best person to practice their pitch with because I’ve never been in the market for financial planning and don’t anticipate needing financial planning services in the future. And then wish them well.
Frankly, even if I was in the market, I’d want a relative to be my financial planner about as much as I’d want a relative to be my therapist.
Anon says
That’s how I’d handle it as well.
Anonymous says
Personally, I would never be comfortable having a family member provide that service to me. But whether you can say that to cousin is a different story.
Anonymous says
To shut them down, I’d say something like “How exciting for you! I have a policy of not mixing business with family, but best of luck with your new endeavor.”
Anonymous says
I would ignore the LinkedIn message.
Anon says
Ignoring the message seems a bit rude, given that it’s a family member (and I say that as someone who is not close to my extended family and hasn’t seen them in over 5 years). I think at a minimum you can give a polite congratulations and say you aren’t interested in meeting because you don’t have any interest in financial planning services.
Anonymous says
“Congratulations!” And leave it there. If they pester you about a meeting, say no thanks.
If it weren’t family I’d say ignore it all together.
tova says
I would say there’s a reasonable chance that this is a MLM (multi-level marketing) thing and that’s a v good reason to not engage.
Anonymous says
People with challenging kids and/or spouses, how do you handle having your schedule and concentration constantly derailed by one explosion after another? For example, last night kid said they wanted X thing for dinner, then refused to eat X thing because “it has worms in it.” The situation escalated into a Whole Thing. I had to stay up late comforting kid instead of spending the evening prepping for a class I teach tonight. I was going to prep during lunch today, but spouse came into my home office and had to have a long conversation about his feelings regarding the situation last night. Now it is mid-afternoon and I am tired from staying up late, am cross from having to listen to everyone’s feelings, and have accomplished zero work and zero teaching prep. I already shifted down to part-time work to help make space for all of this and it doesn’t seem to help. Is this why women all used to be SAHMs? How do I preserve time and mental energy for the things that need to get done?
Anon says
How old is the kid? I’m guessing quite little? How you handle the kid probably depends on age, but generally our attitude is that our child doesn’t have to eat what’s served but we don’t prep separate meals for her (especially when she requested the main meal), so she’d be limited to eating things that she can get herself. At 6, that’s fruit, yogurt, and a bagel/toast with cream cheese or peanut butter. Older kids will have more options; if your kid is a toddler you might need to prep them something but I would make it a very quick thing and not something that’s a treat for them. I don’t understand why you’d need to be “comforting” the kid about this. If they’re a toddler and need to have a meltdown because they’re said they didn’t get their preferred dinner, let them have the meltdown in their room.
The spouse thing seems like a separate issue. I don’t really understand why your husband would need to discuss a toddler meltdown, but certainly the middle of the work day is not the right time for it. I would just tell him I’m working and we need to have this discussion another time.
Anon says
Honestly you tell your spouse you don’t have time to talk about his feelings. And ideally you tell your spouse to help handle your kid after dinner too. I know it’s not easy and some kids really need their mom, but if you have two parents, you shouldn’t be single parenting everyone including your husband. I’m a helper by nature, but enforcing boundaries is the only way I survive as a working mom.
Anonymous says
You tell your kid/ ok you can have toast or cereal then
You tell your spouse you can’t spend an hour processing his feelings about a kid not liking dinner on a school night and you’ll have to connect over the weekend
Anonymous says
+1 unless there’s a lot more to the story it seems like you’re really overcomplicating things.
Anonymous says
Agree with this. Sometimes kids need signals to move on, and not liking dinner should not turn into an all night problem.
Anon says
“Sometimes kids need signals to move on”
This is so true, I think especially for kids who skew emotional and/or anxious. My kid would cry all night if we leaned into talking about feelings, but if we change the subject or distract her with something fun, she gets over things so much faster. You can move on without dismissing feelings and I think it’s good to show kids that some things are not worth expending this much emotional energy on.
Anonymous says
So
Your spouse has an explosion. You then have to comfort your kid. And deal with your spouse.
Honey. We divorce men like this.
Anon says
Yeah, if you had to comfort your kid because your spouse blew up at them, that seems like the core issue here.
Anon says
that is not what teh OP’s post says
Anon says
I realize she didn’t say it so many words but reading between the lines, it sounds like that’s what happened. Why else would you have to stay up late comforting a kid about dinner? I have a highly emotional kid who often has Big Feelings and I’ve never had to stay up past my bedtime because she was upset about dinner. It just seems like there must be more to the story.
Anon says
There was just a big conversation here about staying up late comforting a child because she couldn’t have her sister’s stuffed animal. I can totally see how dinner can set off a child after a long day and lead to a big meltdown. Prob wasn’t just about dinner
OP says
It was definitely not just about dinner.
Anon says
So condescending. Yesh.
Anonymous says
I fully get it. I’ve really needed evening work time recently, but our 3yo has turned into a bedtime monster and DH’s involvement only makes it worse (he really tries, but to no avail). We had two weeks where I was frequently working until midnight, then dealing with fussy coughing kids who were up in the night. I was so brain dead, I could barely work during the day. Then I had to sit down at 9pm after finishing bedtime and dinner cleanup to start it all again.
Sometimes you just power through and use the weekends to recover. Because yes, you can get better at handling the kid stuff, but then new stuff happens.
Anon says
I deal with this too, and it’s hard. I feel like I am the soother in chief, and it definitely drains me to the detriment of my life and career.
Your husband just needs validation. Don’t turn it into a discussion. Just say, “I hear you” over and over and nod sympathetically but don’t make suggestions or encourage a long conversation about it if that’s what you want to avoid.
If that doesn’t work, add, “I totally understand. It’s hard for me too. I really need to get x, y, z done now. Let’s touch base later.” This usually gives me a lot of time back and prevents it from becoming a longer emotional chore. As for the kid, kind of depends on the situation, age, issue, etc.
Anon says
in terms of the kid, i have a kid who like the Anonymous at 9:41 has extreme meltdowns. For all of those who are like, you shouldn’t be spending so much time comforting your child, depending on the kid, this is sometimes required. in our family DH has post-bedtime work to do more often and so i end up doing most of the comforting, which is hard in its own way because it is so emotionally draining/exhausting. i dont have a quick answer for you there because that depends on the kid, kid issues, etc. in terms of the spouse – i can be like your DH when I want to rehash/discuss a parenting challenge or whatever issue asap and i’ve had to become better about tabling things to discuss at times that are better for all. Your kid might not yet be at a point where they can control their meltdowns, but DH is an adult and you most certainly can figure out when in your weeks might be the best time to discuss parenting challenges
Anonymous says
What does “it became a whole thing” mean? What did your husband want you to do about his feelings? I have a child who would be considered challenging by most people and my husband and I don’t always see eye-to-eye about the best way to parent, but I don’t think he’s ever unloaded on me about his feelings in this kind of situation. Usually when we’re dealing with explosive kid behavior we’re only talking about our feelings to commiserate.
I know counseling is often recommended here, but I think it might be beneficial to help you get better aligned so you’re pulling on the same end of the rope, so to speak. Having challenging kids can definitely be tough on a marriage.
Anonymous says
That’s the key point that’s missing. How and why did it become a Whole Thing? I get that sometimes your kid needs lots of comfort for whatever reason, and it’s hard to think about that without knowing how old your kid is or what they’re dealing with. But you shouldn’t be parenting your spouse, and as someone who also teaches so understands how prep can keep getting put off: you have to create boundaries, either physical or emotional. Physically, leave the house and prep at a coffeeshop or library. If that’s genuinely not possible, then you have to tell him that you can’t talk from this time to this time because you’ll be prepping for class. Then shut the door and if he comes in, simply say, “I can’t talk now, but we can discuss this later.”
Anon says
Has anyone been to Turkey with kids? Our kid is in elementary school and can manage without a lot of “kid stuff” at this point, but if there are things your kids loved in Istanbul or Cappadocia I’d love to hear about them!
Anon says
Not yet, but we took out elementary aged kids to Egypt and had a fabulous time. There’s tons of kid friendly history to visit there.