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Reader E wrote in to recommend her favorite skirt: “Someone recently asked about maternity leave clothes that aren’t yoga pants, and several people suggested knit skirts with foldover waists. I think this is my favorite knit skirt from Royal Robbins — it is a thicker knit than the Old Navy jersey skirts, and doesn’t hug every curve. It also has a little zip pocket that is just big enough for an iPhone or a key, if you’re carrying a newborn. Very comfy, and it hit me just below the knee — I’m petite with short legs, so it would probably be a modest knee length for all but the tallest women.” It looks lovely! It’s $50, and available in 3 colors. Royal Robbins Essential Rollover Skirt
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
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- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
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- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Beach Paralegal says
Any advice on SOs with physically tiring hobbies?
My SO has taken up a hobby that takes hours at a time and is physically tiring, but not really fitness-related. He comes home tired and is less than happy to take over caring for our toddler. How do I balance not becoming ‘stuck’ on child duty all the time with understanding his social needs?
To make things less easily balanced, my hobbies are reading, internet games, netflix, etc. where I don’t really leave the house, so I am rarely gone. My only out-of-house hobby is shopping, which I am trying to cut back on for financial reasons. I’d appreciate hobby suggestions that work in a small town too :)
sfg says
Is it feasible to have a sitter for a few hours so you can have your alone time as well while he’s doing his thing? i would have hard time I this situation myself – if childcare is not feasible, for me that would be a reason to limit this hobby such that the two of you alternate alone time on the weekend.
Meg Murry says
My hobbies are similar to yours, and I’ve found just taking a walk or drive with an audiobook is good for some “alone time”.
How often does your SO do his hobby? Can you agree that you each get one evening or weekend afternoon “off” a week, no questions asked? He can do his hobby, you could either just take some time to yourself or make plans to meet up with people after work. Honestly, even just being able to go to the grocery store, by myself, and walk as slowly as I feel like it with no pressure to rush home some weeks is good for a “me” refresher but still accomplishes something that needs to be done.
When does he do his hobby? If its say, Saturday afternoons, could you get your “me” time first on Saturday mornings? Maybe find a fitness class you want to take, or just go to public library and refresh your books or sit in a comfy chair and read alone. I also like to go sit on a recumbent bike at the gym with Netflix or audiobooks – maybe not the most vigorous workout, but better than sitting on the couch watching TV. If you get your “me time” first, then you might feel slightly less desperate to trade back for him to take over as soon as he gets home.
My SO has a lot of out-of-the-house hobbies and work-adjacent meetings, and I’ve found I just have to declare “Wednesdays are my night to be gone and Sunday afternoon is my fitness class and you are in charge of kids at that time. I don’t care if you take care of them yourself or get a sitter, but I’m not doing it or making arrangements for it”.
anon says
I agree with trying to get your “me time” first, but I also think that your SO needs to understand where you’re coming from. My husband has done some crazy fitness things over the years (half iron man etc.). What we did was that I got to sleep in on the weekends, and he would try to arrange for a sitter for the evening after he got home so we could get dinner or something like that. I agree with the above poster that it’s your SO’s thing, he needs to make the arrangements to manage it.
Spirograph says
Tech note for Kat: That Garnier ad is still messing with the site formatting… I can’t see the top comment
B says
Same here. Using IE9 on a PC. Have no idea what first poster is saying prior to “than happy to take over caring…”
pockets says
me too. I’m using some version of Chrome on a PC.
BB says
Same. Firefox on PC.
ANP says
Same for me. Using Safari on a Mac.
meme says
I can see the top comment on this thread, but for me the Garnier add is covering up the second post down on the main page. Safari on iPhone 6.
Noelle says
I have an international flight coming up soon with my 16-month old. Will be flying without dad’s help (please send good travel karma my way). I don’t normally allow DD very much screen time if I can help it, but all bets are off for this long flight. Any recommendations for videos, apps, games, etc. that I can download onto my tablet to keep DD amused? Also — this may be a stupid question, but can I use headphones with her (with the volume turned down low?). Don’t want to bug our fellow passengers with the noises from our games, but I also don’t know how delicate her ears may be. Thanks!
Maddie Ross says
We usually just watch with the volume off on planes – the hum drowns out so much anyway. But the other thing for us is that LO will not wear headphones. If you want to go that route, I’d try them out beforehand and see what they think. Even the kid-sized ones annoyed her.
mascot says
There are several toddler/kids headphones on the market that have volume limiting controls built in. We have the JLab ones and they work pretty well. The foam earpiece came off several times, but superglue solved that problem. http://havebabywilltravel.com/2014/11/03/toddler-tech-baby-headphones/
layered bob says
in my experience, the volume-limiting headphones work well in quiet settings but do not go loud enough to be heard over the noise of of the plane/train, so you’re better off either just watching with volume off (which works fine for most games but isn’t as nice for videos) or using regular headphones.
B says
I have a similar skirt from Target that is a maternity skirt… I’m actually not using it much for maternity at all (finding it has too much volume on bottom, and I already have plenty of volume on top!) so extra glad to hear it might be useful post-partum.
Lyssa says
Pro tip: Don’t prepare to have a baby within a week of your anniversary. You will forget your anniversary. Even if you knew that this was coming for 9 months and intentionally scheduled the delivery to be as far from the anniversary date as possible, you will still totally forget about the anniversary.
Meg Murry says
eh, even without something as big as a new baby (congrats in advance, if I don’t say it after the fact!), we still manage to forget our anniversary every other year or so. Usually it’s something along the lines of – we both remember our anniversary is on X date, we vaguely talk about doing something special for it, and then inevitably sometime around 10 pm or possibly even the next morning, one of us says, “oh, today’s the Xth, that means it’s our anniversary! oops, Happy Anniversary and now I’m going to sleep”. We both remember that our anniversary is on X date and that X date is coming up, but it usually slips our mind that Tuesday or whenever is actually X date.
Spirograph says
Sorry, I know this isn’t funny, but your delivery (no pun intended) made me giggle.
Happy anniversary, and I hope your husband gives you a pass on forgetting! It’s a win if you remember both shoes in the morning at 9 months pregnant, let alone something intangible.
JJ says
Congrats that you’re so close!
And if it makes you feel better – my husband is getting completely skipped this year. This completely outs me to any friends, but his birthday and our anniversary are one day apart, with Father’s Day usually falling on either one of those days. This year, we’re closing on a new house on one of those days. Ask me if I’ve given the first thought to getting something for my husband for ANY of those occasions.
Luckily, my husband is the cheapest person I’ve ever met, so I’ll just tell him that I’m waiting until we move and get settled before I spend money on him. That’s like a gift in itself to him.
Walnut says
The purchase of our house was our Christmas and birthday gifts to each other last year. There was zero point in spending even more money on gifts when we were already spending a small fortune on transitional expenses.
AnonAtty says
Re: anniversary, we are also expecting a baby near ours, and between that major life event and the expense, our anniversary will take a back seat–OH and they are both near big holidays too! We’ve sort of assumed a pattern of not making a big deal about our bdays or anniversary because it’s always something–the cost of our wedding, new expenses with our house, saving for retirement and to build someday–there are always major things that financially take precedence. We are both okay with this and are practical (hubby would also prefer to not spend money on gifts) but I’ve been lectured that it’s important to focus on just us/take time and put effort into things to celebrate our marriage.
Lyssa, congrats to you and if both major life events have already passed or will soon, you can always celebrate belatedly! Even if it means dinner at home (takeout!) with your hubby, while acknowledging it’s a celebration of your anniversary, marriage, new baby, and all the awesomeness in this new chapter together.
SC says
Our baby was due around the time of our anniversary, and both our birthdays are only a few weeks before that. So my husband and I celebrated all 3 events about 2 months before he was due with a small babymoon/staycation. It worked out well because I was then put on bedrest and baby was born a month early.
AnonAtty says
Help! Hubby and I can’t agree re: finding out our baby’s gender. I want it to be a surprise, and he wants to find out. I’ve explained all my reasons for wanting to wait; his reason is that he “just wants to know.” He won’t budge, his solution is that he’ll find out and won’t tell me. He also won’t promise that he won’t tell anyone like his mom or best friend. I’m afraid it will get back to me and I’ll be more disappointed when the surprise is ruined in 2 months via someone slipping, than me just finding out now. I tried the trump card, that I’m the one carrying the baby etc but it didn’t get me anywhere. Looking for suggestions or help from anyone who was in a similar situation. I asked my dr for advice and she said “discuss it more.” I’m frustrated and know he should be compromising and respecting my wishes, so please save the comments bashing him or concerned about what this says about our marriage–not helpful right now!
EB0220 says
I think this is a situation where there’s no clear right or wrong decision – it’s really just a matter of opinion (unless you have a reason that I haven’t thought of). Why is it that he should be respecting your wishes? (Really not trying to be rude – just genuinely curious. It’s his child too, after all.) My advice is do not let this become a big “thing” – it’s really not that big of a deal either way. You’ll be surprised now or you’ll be surprised later. Maybe you need to flip a coin or something.
JJ says
Agreed. I’m genuinely curious why your husband should be defaulting to your position and respecting your wishes. It’s his child, too. Because you’re pregnant, you have an immediate and physical connection to the baby – regardless of its gender. Finding out whether the baby is a boy or a girl is one concrete way that your husband can feel more connected to it while you’re pregnant. If he feels that strongly about it, and wants to know and be involved, I would hesitate before making it a big issue and refusing to let him find out the gender.
Manhattanite says
+1. Let him feel more connected to the pregnancy. And you’ll still have your moment of surprise together in the ultrasound room.
Lyssa says
I agree with this – it’s, ultimately, a pretty minor issue, and there’s no real driving reason that one of you should overrule the other. Flip a coin, and if you have another, the other one gets to choose next time. Or maybe try to outbid each other on baby-related chores (whoever is willing to change the first largest number of poopy diapers get to choose?).
I also agree that finding out now is still a surprise. If you want it to be really special, a lot of people have the tech write it down and put it in an envelop, so that they can open it ceremoniously later. Or you could ask the tech to tell just your husband, and he could plan a baby-related surprise for you. (I also agree that it would be hard for your husband to keep it a secret for the whole rest of the pregnancy – IMO, the biggest pro of finding out the sex early is how much easier it makes it to see the baby as a “person” – you can start referring to baby by name, and use the appropriate pronoun rather than just “it.”)
Spirograph says
This totally outs me to any friends, but oh well.
My husband and I had the same disagreement for the first baby. He “won” eventually. As soon as the ultrasound tech told us the baby was a boy, my husband literally said, “huh. I regret my decision. That was pretty anticlimactic. I wish we hadn’t found out early.”
We waited to be surprised for the second one. And you know what? That was kind of anticlimactic, too (at least for me; I was distracted by a lot of other things at the time). From this, I conclude: whenever you find out whether it’s a boy or a girl, it will just be a fact. You’ll love your child either way, and whether you found out 6 months sooner or not will be a non-issue in the grand scheme of things. I don’t say that to downplay your strong feelings – I remember feeling cheated at the time. Just know that time (and sleep deprivation) will dull those feelings a lot, regardless of how it turns out.
I will say: I highly, highly doubt that your husband can keep the secret from you if he finds out the sex and you don’t, even with the best of intentions. The easy solution here is that you just tell the ultrasound tech not to tell either of you. She will almost certainly go with the mom’s wishes. :)
AnonAtty says
Spirograph, I think it’s the feeling cheated. I am pretty easy going and compromise a lot on other things in our relationship, but this feels important to me. But you’re so right that the feeling will fade and there will be so many other ups and downs on this emotional roller coaster that this will be a blip in the rear view!
D. Meagle says
Found out both times in advance. After my first was born, I was so delirious (long labor ultimately resulting in a section) that I did not remember holding her for the first time. A few days later I saw all these pictures of our family holding her, and I got really upset that everyone held her before me. It was not until my husband showed me a picture of me being rolled out of the operating room WITH THE BABY IN MY ARMS that I believed him that I got to hold her before our family. Still did not really remember, but at least I had photographic proof. So FWIW, if I waited until the birth to find out, it might not have registered for awhile. I was glad to know up front :)
FVNC says
If part of his reason for knowing baby’s gender is that he thinks it’ll help him start bonding with the baby, then I’d consider finding out. Knowing the gender may be a way for him to connect with the baby, since he isn’t physically involved. But this is tough, especially when there’s no real compromise position. Maybe baby will “cooperate” during the anatomy scan and keep his or her parts hidden!
KJ says
My good friend found out the sex of both of her kids and didn’t tell her husband at his request. I knew, but he didn’t, and it worked out fine.
Honestly, my view is the same as EB0220 – it’s a surprise whether you find out now or later.
mascot says
We didn’t find out. While it was fun to have DH announce in the delivery room, it wasn’t earth shattering. I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed so it was just one more thing to process. If we were to have another one, we probably would find out earlier. I agree with spirograph that you will love your child regardless.
Looking back, finding out the sex of the baby isn’t really a surprise; you know it will be one or the other. It could have been just as special finding out mid-term when we had the next few months to look forward to it.
I wouldn’t get too wound up in thinking he’s not respecting your wishes. According to my husband, the whole baby thing didn’t really become real to him until he saw our child in person. Before that, it was just some hazy idea (obv. he wasn’t the one with a changing body or diet). Knowing the sex ahead of time may be a way for your husband to feel more connected to the process.
quailison says
I agree with the above posters that your husband might want to know to feel closer to the baby, and that this is a good reason to let him find out. I completely understand your desire to have it be a surprise when the child is born, and I won’t try to convince you otherwise, but will just say that I am very glad I found out ahead of time even though I wanted it to be a surprise. My labor was a surprise (2 weeks early and only four hours long), new parenthood was a “surprise” as in I had no idea what I was in for (for good and for bad) and seeing my husband with our child was a surprise. I had enough surprises that day that the gender would have just rolled into the entire newness of everything, and feeling like I already “knew” the baby a little bit – as much as knowing the sex does that – helped me be just that much less overwhelmed.
AnonAtty says
This really helps. I want to do anything I can to help my husband feel connected to the baby, and you’re all right that this will do so. Also from a practical standpoint, we don’t have a boy name picked out so finding out sooner will have to settle that one way or another. I didn’t think about all the other surprises and potential surprises down the road either (for better or worse). Thank you all so much for your insight, it really gives me a new perspective. Btw, our appt is in just a few weeks!
quailison says
Haha, we didn’t have a boy name picked out either – and once we found out the baby was a boy, it took us up until the week of delivery to decide! So if you are as indecisive as us, that’s another good reason to find out. :)
Meg Murry says
We found out with my first and then didn’t find out with the second (not on purpose – the tech couldn’t tell during the ultrasound no matter how much she prodded him, and we had no medical reason for another ultrasound and didn’t want to pay for one of the private company ones). Honestly, I really wish we had found out with the second, because my excitement at it being a boy was tempered with my disappointment with it not being a girl (and I’m sure it would have been the same the baby had been a girl). I was simultaneously excited about my new boy while slightly morning the imaginary dream girl that didn’t exist, and it was rough with all the postpartum hormones and emotions.
If your husband has strong feelings one way or another about a boy or girl, it might be better for him to find out now, so he can process those feelings before the baby has actually arrived.
Can you each make your own pro/con list so you can get beyond just the surface level “I want to be suprised” vs “I want to know now” argument? For instance, is your issue really just that you want to be surprised? Or do you have other concerns, like being gifted an overwhelming amount of pink and girly stuff or otherwise gender stereotyping when/if your family finds out? Same with him – is it just “I just want to know now” or is there a deeper issue that he can point to?
Last, if you decide to find out yourselves but don’t tell anyone, be careful not to sound obnoxious about it – as shown in this video, one of my favorites: http://www.garfunkelandoates.com/2011/12/16/pregnant-women-are-smug-by-garfunkel-and-oates/
Meg Murry says
ETA – not calling you smug at all – just the women with that “not telling” attitude and tone of voice like in the video
AnonAtty says
Meg Murry, you hit on a couple of things for me. He hasn’t directly expressed strong feelings one way or another about a boy or girl (says he just wants it healthy of course), but I do think he’s hoping for a boy, or at least really unsure about a girl because he comes from a family of ALL BOYS. Of course, I know he’d adjust just fine to a girl and be a great dad. As far as listing our “reasons,” I inquired and literally his only reason is that he “wants to know now.” I have a list of reasons, including avoiding all the gendered clothing and toys FOR SURE, plus the romantic idea that it would be so special to have him announce in the delivery room; nothing in life is a surprise anymore; it would be that much more of a surprise after waiting 9 months; and maybe it would even be an extra little bit of motivation when I’m pushing during my ideally natural/drug free labor. He chalks those reasons all up as me just “wanting to wait” and downplays the significance of any of them. I am contemplating your final thought–us finding out but not telling–I have to watch that clip still but I definitely don’t want to be obnoxious (nor write on a baby shower invite–please, no pink–lol).
pockets says
I understand the wanting to avoid gendered clothing/toys, but at some point your baby will be born and you’ll have to announce the gender, and then everyone will buy you what they want. You might get some gender neutral 0-3 month clothing (and toys, to a lesser extent), but everything after that is going to be gendered. So you’re not really avoiding it as much as putting it off for a few months.
Please don’t be the couple that finds out but doesn’t tell. No one cares about the gender of your baby except to make polite conversation and/or to buy you the right gift.
AnonAtty says
Haha pockets. I’m laughing because you’re so right about no one caring. That’s why personally we would never do a gender reveal party. I’m confident that besides us, only our parents truly care, and mostly mine because it’s the first grandbaby. Also, good point about just putting off the inevitable pink/blue everything. I’ve noticed too that non-gendered clothing, other than select onesies, are almost impossible to find (I think that’s sad!). It’s mostly the impractical girl clothing that gets me–the adorable frilly dresses that might be cute on the hanger but serve no purpose. I’m just too practical/frugal to not think how 4 of those equal a car seat! However, I don’t want to be ungrateful for the thoughtful gifts people shower us with (and they enjoy picking out too).
Beach Paralegal says
To be honest, I had a bit of gender disappointment (and guilt about it) and I am glad was able to deal with it separately from the birth, which is very intense on its own.
I agree he is not being very persuasive in his reasoning, which might be his normal communication style.
AnonAtty says
Beach Paralegal–YES! Of course my reasons seem important to me, but I would like at least some sort of discourse and articulation of his reasons, to which I could then use my logical, analytical lawyering brain to objectively judge the conflicting reasons. This is so his normal communication style…
BoysBoysBoys says
ha – my husband came from all boys as well – and there were even very few girl cousins (as my name signifies, clearly, things worked out for him). He would not have admitted for anything that he wanted a boy. Same, exact statements as your husband – he only wanted a healthy child, etc.
As soon as we found out, he looked at me in complete relief, and admitted that he really, really wanted a boy. He was afraid to say it out loud, or even admit it to himself really, how much he wanted a boy. If we had disagreed about finding out, I doubt he would have articulated much more than your husband. He felt pressure to have a son, wanted a child to carry on his name (family tradition to name first born sons the same first name), etc., but never wanted to say it out loud – lest he think he was admitting he didn’t want the daughter we may have been carrying. He said he really didn’t want those conflicting feelings at the time of the actual birth — sad about not having a son if an actual daughter was born. So it was really important to him to find out.
I felt that same way with kid #2, which is why I was desperate to find out. And, my husband actually gave me space to hear on my own (I went to the ultrasound solo, then first son and I told him). I mourned not having a daughter, but dealt with those feelings and got on to celebrating our sweet, second boy. I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with that at the birth of my second guy.
Anyway, not to project on your husband, but more could be (is possibly) going on than he’s willing to admit.
AnonAtty says
BoysBoysBoys, you’re not projecting at all and I think you’re right. I think he has some of those same concerns about wanting a boy but definitely won’t vocalize them (which I understand, though frustrating because it leaves me with only speculation). I also know he would never want to admit that he didn’t want a daughter when we could in fact be having one. To stereotype, I think a lot of men feel this way about wanting a son. I’m sure it could vary depending on one’s own family dynamic though. I think he subconsciously feels nervous about having a girl too. For me, although I grew up with all girls myself, I babysat and just have generally had more exposure to babies than him, so while the thought of some teenage boy stuff is dreadful, I know I could adjust to either gender.
His only proposed “compromise” is to find out with this one, and have the next baby be a surprise. That’s a loaded proposal because who knows if we will be blessed with a second one (or maybe one angel/devil will be enough!). Plus, I could see myself having a little gender disappointment and maybe hoping for the opposite gender for baby #2.
Spirograph says
I just have to chime in one more time on the “announcing it in the delivery room” thing. The birth of my second, surprise-gender baby was chaotic. No one announced anything. I actually had to ask my husband whether it was a boy or a girl several minutes later. My whole idea of husband proclaiming “it’s a ____!”… yeah, no. I hate to tell anyone this, but you often do not get to choose how your delivery goes!
And yes to all the comments about feeling more connected to the baby once you know one big thing about it, and being able to process the information when you’re a little more clear-headed. I don’t know whether it was because it was my second pregnancy and I was distracted chasing a toddler or because I didn’t know the gender (or both), but my daughter felt a lot less like a real person to me until she was born. And I was convinced she was going to be a boy, and I was going to have these adorable little brothers tumbling around my house in a couple years, so that was a weird mental shift, too.
If we have a 3rd one, I think we almost certainly will try to find out the gender, if only to know which set of baby clothes to keep. And I will steal the excellent idea below about making it an occasion for me and my husband (and maybe the kids).
Lorelai Gilmore says
Meg Murry is so wise.
Meg Murry says
I think it comes from my namesake :-)
Thanks Lorelai, you’re so good for my ego. It’s much easier to be wise about other people’s lives on the internet and to tell people not to make the mistakes you’ve made than to get my own life in order. Besides, here I can be a know-it-all (hopefully not too annoyingly) without seeming like a know-it-all to my IRL friends and family
anon says
I’m of two minds: on one hand, I think pregnant lady gets trump card about basically everything. On the other hand, I hear the people who say it might make him closer to baby/becoming a parent.
Just practically, if you were to agree that he finds out and you don’t: that seems a bit untenable. When you’re running down lists of baby names, and he’s noticeably less interested in picking one gender’s name options, that would immediately give it away for me. And I think it’s hard to resist telling anyone. I am impressed with folks who can do this but I feel like schmos like me couldn’t keep up the facade.
I also started off not wanting to know, while DH did. After encountering a medical ambiguity at the anatomy scan, ultimately resulting in an amnio, my capacity for surprise in the pregnancy was gone. When we got the amnio results I asked for the sex as well…and was so glad I did. Thanks to some random comments from the ultrasound tech and for whatever other miscellaneous reasons (how I was carrying, how I felt), we had sort of started thinking it was a girl and I was getting used to the thought of having a daughter. Turns out it was a boy, and I realized that I’d way rather know that mid-pregnancy than in L&D after giving birth because I had a little time to adjust to the concept of a son, rather than a daughter. This is probably particular to me, but it was hard to resist assigning a sex to the baby in utero.
Basically a longer version of what quailison wrote–so much of birth, babies, and parenting is a surprise. For Type-Aish folks this was one thing I could know and get my head around, and I really liked that.
AnonAtty says
Anon, I completely agree about him giving it away during name discussions. It helps to be reminded of these realities from outsiders and from moms who have been there. I completely understand too about your feelings after your anatomy scan. That’s when we would find out too, and who knows what could happen during it. (As an aside, I’m secretly hoping that maybe the baby won’t compromise during it and we won’t be able to tell). Btw, I hope everything turned out okay with your little boy!
anon says
Aww, thanks for such kind thoughts–my son is now an amazing first grader. Turns out my kids all just have funky (but normal and fully functional) kidneys, as we’ve found out over the years.
Meg Murray’s comments about getting to why both of you need to find out really articulate better some of what I was getting at.
I will also offer pockets is dead-on: gender-neutral is findable for the early stages, at least as to clothes, but after that it’s a lot harder and/or impossible. Even if you can find cute stuff in larger sizes, a lot of other things (strollers, carseats, crib sheets, hats, etc.) are nigh impossible to find in a non-gendered option, at least for a time. I also didn’t want to get overwhelmed by girl stuff for my daughters but at a certain point it’s the path of least resistance, and it gets better over time.
Lastly, and this is my ornery old-folks comment: this sort of dilemma, though totally real and important during pregnancy, now feels so less important after a couple of kids. I guess it’s that as you get more experienced and/or have more kids, you get less romantic and more logistical/pragmatic about so much stuff. My desire to know the sex (and we found out for subsequent kids at each anatomy scan, on my insistence) was driven by my need to at least know one thing about the forthcoming baby, yes, but ultimately for far more practical reasons, like what kids of clothes/gear to aim for, what names to think about, did we need to plan a bris or a brit milah, could we reuse stuff from first kid or should I pass along/donate the really boy-y stuff? I think I cared far less about what sex the baby was than for my first, and was just more interested in the sex because it made some of the pre-baby work load easier.
AnonAtty says
Glad to hear all turned out alright! Agreed on the insignificance of this down the road, and I think I would want to find out for subsequent kids because of the practical reasons/planning, so that’s why I feel like this was/is my one shot to have it be a surprise. But, you have all shared different perspectives and advice and I think I’m going to propose that we find out together post-ultrasound and have our own little celebration.
TBK says
Garnier ad is covering up the first comment again!
FVNC says
Another tech issue: disappearing comments.
AnonAtty says
Thanks everyone for the feedback! I appreciate the support and am pleasantly surprised about the respect for his wishes–I say that because I truly feel the exact same way, but my entire family and friends have encouraged me/pressured me to believe that since I’m the one carrying the baby, going through labor/delivery etc, that he should defer to me on this. But I do agree that it’s his child too and we’re in this 50/50, and I shouldn’t just get my way “because.” And that’s entirely how our marriage is (equal partners)–which flies in the face of many family members and friends whose relationships consist of the wife getting her way ALL the time. I’m constantly told that my hubby should be giving in to me on various issues from paint colors to furniture choices. I really appreciate the feedback re: it’s a surprise either way and of course we will love our child either way. It helps put it all in perspective because right now it does feel super important, but I don’t want it to become a thing. I guess I am mostly frustrated because I can imagine myself compromising and finding out now, but the possibility of waiting is not on his radar at all. His only plans are to both find out, or he finds out and doesn’t tell me (and I agree it will get back to me). I guess I’m just a little put off that it’s his way or the highway on this.
quailison says
Yes, and his approach absolutely forecloses yours, while yours keeps his open (you could always find out later by asking your OB) so it doesn’t seem fair that way either, especially if he won’t even wait a little while longer to see if he feels differently. That would be super frustrating.
BoysBoysBoys says
Have you taken the time to explain that very last line to him? In a calm setting, without emotion or anger? Maybe he’s got a super compelling reason – “I’m nervous about bonding with the child.” Or “I’m so excited about having this baby, and I need to have something to connect with b/c I don’t get to feel kicks.” or whatever. Listen to whatever his reasons (or if he’s like my husband, ask – then give him time/space to process – and then get his real feedback).
Also, there is maybe a kind of a compromise here. I agree it’s kind of anti-climatic for the tech to blurt it out in a busy ultrasound room, and I also think it would be super overwhelming to process in a delivery room. With my first, when I heard him cry, I was honestly just so shocked that I was actually carrying a baby, that I screamed “THAT”S MY SON! I HAVE A SON!” Truly, WTFery that I wasn’t just gestating a cat or something.
Anyway, if we were having more kids, I would do this — have a sex reveal party – just for the two of you. Have the tech put it on a piece of paper, and book a nice hotel night away. Talk to concierge first – give them the envelope and two special somethings – one that signifies “boy” and one that signifies “girl” and a bag to wrap it in. Have a delicious dinner, get a massage, then contact room service to send up glasses of sparkling cider, champagne, and the bag with either the boy or girl item. Open with your husband, celebrate the fact that you have an involved, caring husband, and are carrying your perfect child.
AnonAtty says
BoysBoysBoys, I almost spit out my coffee at the gestating cat comment! I can totally see the shock that will ensue in the delivery room without the added surprise of the gender. I like your idea re: having a little reveal just the two of us. I think that would make it feel more special, plus it would be a little more climatic having to wait until at least the weekend. If he doesn’t agree to at least waiting for that, I am going to reschedule the appointment and not tell him or tell the tech/dr not to tell him at the appt (kidding–but these have been suggested to me!!).
BoysBoysBoys says
As one more plug for this way of doing things (clearly, this is a topic near and dear to my heart, as I am processing being done with babies), it’s a way to add another special memory to a time that is truly so fleeting. My pregnancies felt like they lasted a million years each, but looking back (a la pockets, Meg Murray, and anon above), they are short, sweet, and then you are on to the business of raising children, which is busy and unpredictable and driven by the children you have (my most anti-princess friend had the daughter who has rocked princess dresses every day for the last year, etc.).
As unbelievable as it feels now, you will get a to a point where you really only remember bits and pieces of pregnancy. For me, those memories are the moment I met my sons, seeing the first positive pregnancy tests, sharing a reveal with my husband similar to what I described above for my first guy, and my first son telling my husband to expect “Baby [boy name]” not “Baby [girl name].” The rest is so fuzzy now. I sound like a crazy old lady who is mourning the end of babies and pregnancies now (why yes, yes I am), but those memories are so dear to me – I’m glad I spread my “surprises” out a bit over a time that is like no other in life, rather than it culminating in the delivery room (which is where it really all begins anyway).
AnonAtty says
Welp, choking back the tears now BoysBoysBoys. :) Must be the hormones. But really, you hit the nail on the head, and you don’t sound like a crazy old lady at all. This awesome feedback is exactly why I decided to take this dilemma to this group of strong, intelligent, and experienced moms and moms to be. I love the idea of adding another special, distinct memory to this time that I do trust will eventually seem like a distant, hazy memory.
BoysBoysBoys says
Good luck, Mama! Whatever you choose – it will be beautiful!!
Morning routine? says
How do you deal with getting out of the house in the morning when you still have a young infant with an unpredictable sleeping schedule? My 11 week old daughter wakes up for the first time generally between 3 to 4 in the morning (although sometimes much earlier and sometimes much later), with the second wake up 2 to 3 hours later. I have to be out the door by 7 AM to get to work and it would best for both me and her if I could squeeze in the second feeding before we leave. I know that I’ll need to have as much as possible ready for me and her the night before (lunch packed, bottles ready, etc.), but it seems like it’ll be really difficult to know when I need to get up when I don’t know when the baby is getting up. Any suggestions from those of you been through it all?
TBK says
I have no idea. Mine are 14 mo and still are unpredictable. I handle it by having a few different pieces that can move depending on when they wake up. So, for example, I set my alarm to 6:00 and try to shower and dry my hair before they wake up, but if they wake up much earlier, I give them their bottles then have them play in their cribs with toys while I shower etc. (obviously yours is too young for this, but just an example). If they wake up during my shower and are fussy, my husband gets them bottles. If they wake up right at 6:00, I give them bottles then get them changed and dressed, then my husband takes them downstairs to play with them while I shower. But it’s just hard. I would LOVE to add in an early morning workout, but whenever I try, they decide they need to wake up at 5:00am that day. (And when I’m out of town, they sleep until 8:30 for daddy!). Babies just do not care.
hi says
From what I recall, when I went to back to work with a baby that age I just woke him up and fed him on a schedule that worked for me. Most of the time, I’d put him in his carseat (in the house with me, not alone in the car!) after the morning feeding and he’d fall back asleep while I got ready to go. Many babies that age aren’t really on a ‘schedule’ yet – might as well start getting her on one that works for the family, to the extent that you can. Babies are adaptable.
Now that my baby is older, I’ve adjusted my work schedule to accommodate his slightly-later-than-I’d-prefer waking time. I’d like to be at work by 7:30, but at his age (16 months) if I wake him up befor he’s ready he’s a bear, and he’s settled into a routine where he generally sleeps until 7.
Even though I work around his sleep schedule now, at 11 weeks I wouldn’t have been able to if I wanted to since a ‘schedule’ didn’t exist.
Lyssa says
My first was shockingly OK with being woken up, fed, and put back to his crib. He was a really good and easygoing baby in a lot of ways (knocking on wood that he teaches something to his sister!), so that might not work for everyone, but that’s the way that we wound up doing it, too, until he moved to a bed. (I wasn’t nursing, so this was purely my own selfish desire to spend some time with him in the mornings.)
anonyc says
Eleven weeks is pretty/very young to have any sort of set schedule, so I don’t think this is how it’s going to be forever (by any stretch). Pretty soon you’ll get some sort of consistency, although babies do not generally give a hoot about your “schedule” and your “need to get ready for work.”
Some people will probably say that the solution is to do some serious sleep-training; I know my ped says you can generally start CIO sleep training at 2 months (a controversial stance, and one that I did not follow myself). I’m more in the flexible-morning-routine camp, like TBK–if there’s an earlier wake-up, we’d nurse and get dressed; if there was sleeping, I’d do showering/dressing. It’s also okay if babies are in their cribs or bouncey seats or whereever they are safely secured while you shower and get dressed (something I did not really grasp until my second kid; crying means they’re alive). I also got over the conventional wisdom about never waking a sleeping baby; if I needed to get in another nursing before I left (or went to bed, or whatever), I’d just nurse. Often that would mean a mostly-asleep nursing session, but whatever. Also: do you have a partner?
RDC says
Ditto on it being unpredictable. I also try to get up and get ready first, then if baby is still sleeping I wake him at 6:45 to nurse before I leave. It is really hard to wake him when he’s sleeping but otherwise it would be another bottle and pumping session. If he wakes earlier, I switch the order and feed him first / shower second. Incidentally, when I shower first, I feed him in my undies to reduce the risk of getting spit up on. Then I literally throw on clothes and run out the door. Fortunately dad handles daycare drop off so I pass the baby off to him and soon as he’s fed.
BoysBoysBoys says
Thanks for the great feedback yesterday on two boys. I read the rest of the responses last night and shared them with my husband, and we are both encouraged by the responses. I think we are going to focus on keeping our home fun, busy, and engaged in the kiddos we have, rather than thinking that adding more kids will necessarily lead to happy, close adult siblings.
Nonny says
Dear moms:
Nail wraps for the office: yes or no? I know what the answer would be on the main site (a resounding NO), but things are somewhat more realistic over here and I’m curious. Pre-baby, I loved giving myself a nice manicure. Post-baby, I haven’t done so even once. However, there is a mom at my daycare who is a rep for Jamberry and I have decided to order some nail wraps from her, just to try. So far I’ve ordered the plainest and most neutral ones I could find, but there are some super fun patterns that I love. But I am conflicted about it. The fun patterns don’t read as particularly “professional”, but on the other hand, if people are judging my work by my nails, I’m obviously not doing a good enough job.
What say you, o knowledgeable moms?
LLC says
I say do what you want. No one is likely to really notice or care, and if someone thinks less of you for it they are the weirdo, not you!
TBK says
I don’t think it makes someone a weirdo to expect a certain kind of dress from people in certain work situations. We choose what we wear for a reason.
That said, there’s no reason not to let loose a little if you’re in a job where you’re comfortable, people know your work already, and you’re not in a position where you’re frequently making first impressions. (e.g., if you do BD a lot, you might want to think about what a potential client would think, but if you mostly deal with your co-workers and clients who know you already, then new nails aren’t going to really matter)
But while we’re on the topic, what is with all the products being hawked by moms these days? I’m in a moms’ FB group that has a lot of SAHMs and it seems like EVERYONE has some product they’re trying to sell. Is this what’s replaced Avon and Tupperware?
mascot says
Yes to everyone hawking a product. I don’t want your rodan+fields or EOs or supplements or anything else please and thank you.
Nonny says
No kidding, but on the other hand maybe I could quit my job tomorrow, start having Jamberry or Peekaboo Bean parties and pay my mortgage that way. Not really (not the least because I’m not that entrepreneurial), but there are days when it sounds pretty darn good.
mascot says
This really is a know your office thing. How you present to others does matter, even if you think your work is beyond reproach. In my conservative office, these would be noticed/commented upon office and not in a good way. If you work in a creative or less fussy field, you might be fine. If you are in a customer facing role, I think you need to know your customers.
What if you saved the fun designs for your toes? That way you could still enjoy them.
NewMomAnon says
Something about raising a toddler has lowered my patience for this year’s batch of summer associates. Either that or they are more annoying than previous classes. From the summer who proudly wanted to discuss my ex-husband with me because she knew him “very well” from a previous internship, to the summer who is sure that he knows me from somewhere and keeps finding me to discuss, to the summer who has a project from me and keeps finding “big issues” that aren’t big issues….I just don’t know if I have it in me this summer. I’m trying to dig really deep and pass along the patience that so many had for me when I was a summer. But I may be hiding in my office when I see a bunch of smiling faces in dark suits walking the halls in a pack.
Lorelai Gilmore says
Yup. Exactly. Summers should be handled by junior associates and senior partners. The rest of us have work to do.
TBK says
I don’t know why summer associates are even a thing anymore. Back in the old days, sure, it was all sushi lunches and ATL stories about the guy who peed off the side of the duck boat (did that actually happen? or is that an urban legend? I feel like every summer that story went around). But now, why not just have internships and be clear that it’s about learning how a law firm works and not about being guaranteed a job or going to fabulous parties? (Harrumpf. Clearly I’ve reached curmudgeon status.) Where I work now we have a few law student summer interns, but most are either undergrads or grad students in other fields. I have to say that the undergrads are kind of adorable — very eager, very nervous, and they all call me Ms. K—–.
Nonny says
My firm refuses to hire summer students. I think we are better off for it.
Carrie M says
+1. Also, they’re making me feel so old this year. So, so old. Is that how I sounded when I was that age? Lord I hope not.