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Garnier Green Labs’ Retinol-Berry Serum Cream is $17.49 at Target.
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Anonanonanon says
Speaking of wrinkles, I commented here a few months ago that I was getting botox for the first time; I did and I LOVED it!
A good provider can leave some movement if you want, and I never felt like I looked unnatural or it was easily noticeable, but the difference was HUGE. I can’t believe my forehead wrinkles smoothed out after 2 months of not having the dynamic wrinkles created by my eyebrows raising high, etc.
Anyway, if you’re on the fence and want to do it, check it out.
Anon says
I started getting Botox on the 11 lines between my eyebrows…. It’s amazing. I don’t look frozen or fake, I just don’t look stressed out anymore.
I’m generally a low maintenance lady so this felt odd but now… it’s honestly great.
EJF says
I got botox for the first time in April. I absolutely love it and I am so happy with the results. I’m mid-30s, finished having babies, and trying to turn a little more focus on myself (including taking better care of my skin!).
Anonymous says
I got Botox for the first time last year and I’m also pretty low maintenance and I love it. I would give up pedicures and hair dye to keep doing it.
Anon says
I’m 32 and have no skincare routine other than my face wash at night. Do any of these creams actually work or is it all genetics..
Anon says
What works (in my view); vitamin c serum, prescription retinol. standard moisturizer. sunscreen. otherwise…botox (it can be preventative!).
Anonanonanon says
Vitamin C really irritates my skin. But cetaphil hydrating facewash and retinol at night, water and an SPF moisturizer in the AM for me work if I’m consistent! Also botox to keep my dynamic wrinkles from becoming permanent ones.
Anon says
Dr Gross Alpha Beta peels have made a longer term friend ask me why the $&@; I was suddenly glowing. Otherwise, I haven’t noticed much difference.
anonM says
I looked into this after ending BF with my last, and looked here and on the main site. Here’s what I ended up with based on recs, and I’m happy with it. Slightly more than I did before, but still not a ton of time. My acne is the best it has been since I can remember — not sure if it is the routine or just finally aging out of it, but I’m not going to fix what isn’t broken!
night: cerave cleaner (or just rinse tbh); cerave retinol (skip if I got too much sun or skin feels sensitive), cerave moisturizer if needed (more in winter)
morning: vitamin c serum (from target, have used several, all similar to me but idk) and then supergoop unsceen sunscreen or burtsbees day lotion with spf
Anon says
Retinol will make a difference per my dermatologist (but year 4 of TTC so none for me), but the biggest thing is daily sunscreen. It makes a huge difference over the long term, even if you think you’re not in the sun much (through windows, driving in the car, etc.).
Anon says
I do think darker skin hides some visible signs of aging better, and that genetics are a huge part of it. The thing is so much skin care is preventative so you can’t “see” benefits as clearly. You absolutely should be wearing a facial sunscreen, like always starting in your 20s if not sooner.
I love Tatcha’s cleansers, Sephora’s Vitamin C Serum, Drunk Elephant Creams, an undereye cream, and plus, a good retinol and face oil before bed. It doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive – the Allure list has a tons of very strong drugstore brands that are wonderful.
Pogo says
Sunscreen is probably the single most effective anti-aging beauty serum out there.
Anone says
I think I allow far more screen time daily than a lot here and in curious to hear from those that have their kids at home for similar periods what their strategies are. Kids are 3 and 5. They’re up around 630 and don’t have camp / school until 9. Camp is done at 1230 and school is done at 230, I work PT. They get about 30-45 mins of TV in the am, on weekends another 45-60 around 11 am then another 60 mins at 5 pm. I feel like it’s my only time to have a minute to have peace and quiet, how do those of you that say no screen time do it like I couldn’t drink my coffee at 730 am without this it feels like
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is at all excessive as long as it’s high-quality programming and doesn’t affect their behavior. If they can stop watching after 45 minutes in the morning without too much fussing and then engage with offscreen activities for most of the day, I wouldn’t worry.
A lot of it is kid-dependent. In preschool, half an hour of morning screentime was a great way for my non-morning-person daughter to ease into the day while I got ready. As she got older, we found that morning screentime made her cranky and resistant to non-screen activities for the rest of the day, so we had to restrict screentime to the evening.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We did no screentime during the week (about 1-2 hours per day on Sat/Sun) during the school year, and are currently trying to figure out our summer limits. We switched to cold turkey because our oldest was having behavior issues, and we didn’t think the screentime helped. For now, they seem ok with some TV in the morning, especially if it’s used as a motivator to get ready before it, but we’ll see as the summer goes. If it doesn’t affect your kids’ behavior, then I don’t see it as an issue, much like everything else. Oh and you’re right, there is much less peace to drink coffee and have breakfast when the screens are off. I was constantly moving around in the morning.
AwayEmily says
I think giving your kids screen time so YOU can get a break and be a saner, more patient parent is a great reason. They will be better off with 30 minutes of a happy, focused parent plus 30 minutes of screentime than they will be with 60 minutes of a stressed and impatient parent.
anonanon says
Yes, this!
anonanon says
We don’t do weekday screen time, but my kids (5yo twins) also aren’t home as much as yours and are older, which I think makes a big difference. In the summer they get up at 7:15 and we leave for camp at 8:45, so most of the morning is taken up with getting dressed, brushing hair, eating breakfast, packing their camp stuff, etc, during which I can drink coffee. Afternoons they’re home at 3:15, but are old enough to generally occupy themselves with books, coloring, toys, etc until dinner.
Anonymous says
I think this is reasonable. What you allow matters as well. Like we allow shows in their second language before breakfast in the morning on Disney Plus but not like ryan’s world on youtube. Similarly on weekends – if they get extra screen time it’s usually Raz Kids for reading or scratch junior for basic coding or alphablocks or numberblocks on youtube. I spot check and they lose the ipad the rest of the day or the next day if they break the rules.
NYCer says
This is similar to where we are at most days. It works for us, so I am not particularly concerned.
anon says
The only block that seems odd to me is the 11 am screen time. We’re usually out doing things at that time or the kids are off engaged in pretend play together (leaving me entirely alone). We never use screens in the middle of the day unless we’re sick.
We usually make the evening screen time educational games only so they ask for it less and fuss about turning it off less.
Our morning rule is no screentime before 7 AM because they started waking up earlier and earlier to get more time. They can read or play quietly before 7 AM. Tablet then goes off when it’s time to go up to get ready for camp around 7:45-8:15 AM depending on the camp.
Waffles says
I’m careful about the content (mostly educational stuff — a lot of the stuff available nowadays is great), and use screens on an as-needed basis. It could be anywhere from zero to two hours a day, depending on the day. I don’t stress about it because the content is curated, my kid doesn’t know the password for her own tablet, she doesn’t know how to turn on our TV (a projector), and she tends to lose interest after two hours anyway.
Pogo says
this seems totally reasonable.
Anon says
so we have a nanny and I work PT, but the nanny leaves at 3:30 and DH is never home for the kids dinner and often is not home for bedtime. during the week they often get 30-60 minutes after the nanny leaves and i’m cooking dinner. sometimes 90 minutes if i’m particularly tired and they are too (which leads them to fighting). a part of me wishes i’d never introduced TV in March 2020, but well here we are. No judgment at all!!! I would say if you are looking to cut out TV, on weekends I would cut out your 45-60 around 11am. What do you do on weekends? We usually try to get out of the house at 10/10:30 to go do something
HSAL says
Mine are 6, 4, and 4. During the summer it varies – there might be a day with no tv, but then there might be a day where we do something very active in the morning and I let them veg with (definitely non-educational) shows for a couple hours. And a movie every Friday night. I’m not embarrassed to say I’m sure there have been days where they’ve watched four hours of tv.
During the school year it’s more limited – I stay home and my husband works at home most of the time. I don’t always want to take the twins to pick up the older one from the bus stop, so if he’s home I’ll just turn on a show for them, then the oldest will want to watch when we get home, so several days a week they’ll watch two shows/45 minutes.
When I worked and everyone was in daycare, we didn’t do any tv during the week and probably an hour each weekend morning.
Anonymous says
Yeh honestly this sounds fine to me but I do think u could cut out the 11am block if you wanted. We do morning while I drink coffee/put on makeup (3yo still insists on “helping” with mommy’s makeup) and then 60ish mins in the afternoon. I’d like to cut out the morning but I think the 3yo will have some big feelings and I don’t feel like dealing with it yet haha. None in the evenings. We’re in DC area so it’s hot AF in July and my kids are inside from 1-4pm. I know they get more during summer because of the hot afternoons. But otherwise my kids are outside playing/hiking/swimming like 6hrs/day and very physically active. We only do TV and no tablets/games. We do use screens on long car trips but not always. I think what matters is having expected times and not just using it in the moment to placate them. It’s a tool for you to use.
Anon says
Just a guess:
I wonder if this board seems more screen restrictive than maybe it is because that’s who will respond to posts asking about it. I’m not saying either way is right or wrong (actually, the more restrictive is probably right lol) but we are FAR looser than what gets cited on this board and so I usually don’t respond to these types of questions mostly because I don’t have the energy or resolve to add it up etc. Our kids are older which is part of it, and we are strict in our own ways about things (i.e. no YouTube random tv), but if I told you our son’s daily minecraft limit for example based on what I see for other limits often listed some would probably be floored. But, eh, he loves it, he does learn a lot on it, it’s how he stays in contact with some far flung friends he doesn’t see often, and even with this he still does plenty during the day, like camp and sports etc. Days are long.
Everyone on this thread has been supportive of OP so I’m not saying that’s not the case, but just trying to ease OPs mind a bit if she feels like an outlier.
AwayEmily says
Can we have a thread on random things (toys or otherwise) that are play workhorses? This is partly a selfish question, daycare is closed for two weeks and I could use some ideas…
For us (kids are 4 and 6)
– Cheap spray bottles from Target
– Washi tape (also from Target)
– Stuffed animals, especially tiny ones
– Index cards (for some reason my kids LOVE drawing on these)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Does jumping from the table to the couch to the nugget playing floor is lava count? Because my kids could do that for hours… My older one can also be occupied with lego sets and the younger one likes play doh (sorry, messy). And as you always say, outdoor time is key.
anon says
We got a play cash register from Ikea that is a huge hit. Lots of playing store. Sometimes they make art and sell it to each other. Sometimes they make a grocery store. Sometimes a restaurant. Sometimes a vet office. It seems to make its way into nearly every game.
We also gave our kids our old pre-smart phone flip phones that don’t work any more. They love them and they get used constantly for pretend calls.
Kids are 6 and almost 9.
Anonymous says
Empty cardboard boxes large enough for kids to sit inside.
A big set of wooden unit blocks to build structures for play with other small toys–cars, action figures, dolls, those tiny stuffed animals.
Fort-building supplies–chairs, sofa pillows, large blankets. The sets of poles you can cover with your own blankets look neat.
B. Toys vet set that includes tiny stuffed animals that you can lock into a kennel with plastic keys.
Anon says
Water table (or any container filled with water) plus a set of small plastic bugs took up many pandemic hours for us.
Anonymous says
Giant roll of paper.
Anonanonanon says
-Magnatiles. My kids are very far apart in age (4 and 12) and these have been a workhorse for 8 years in my home. Both still play with them. When we were 4 people in an 1100 sq ft space, these were well worth the storage space.
-Big roll of drawing paper (she’ll draw on that but not regular paper sometimes, guess it feels more special!)
-Stickers
-Dot painters
-The little pom-pom things from a craft kit were a huge hit in my home for a time. My son would tape tubes to the wall to make courses to drop them down, and my daughter made pretend food with them all the time in her play kitchen (ignoring the nice wooden play food she has of course).
Anything Imaginext is a huge hit. My son got some Imaginext toys when he was little and the ones we’ve kept are enjoyed by my daughter and any kids that come over. They were very affordable back in the day, not sure if they are now.
Outdoors:
WATER BALLOONS! Those easy-fill ones are amazing. When they get bored with something, I make it a water balloon game. Water balloon cornhole was a hit for both of my kids (4 and 12), water balloon basketball with the fisher price basketball hoop, I drew a target with chalk and they did water balloons with the target kind of like darts, etc.
Anonymous says
With the caveat that my kid is 22 mos…pine cones. Pine cones are her favorite toy right now. She picked them up from the yard and put them in a bucket that now lives on the porch. Every morning, when she leaves for daycare, she picks a pine cone to walk to the car and leave in the front garden. On the weekends, she collects all of those and puts them back in the bucket. She also dumps the bucket and sorts them from nicest to most chewed up by the lawnmower.
Post it notes got us through daycare quarantines. She also likes those water coloring mats/Water Wow books. Oh, and the B. Toys pull back racers were a big hit.
anonM says
Marble race/run. We got one handed down from my aunt (all three cousins used it), now my kids love it when I pull it out. I don’t keep it out all the time so when it is out it entertains them for a long time.
anonM says
Oh, and water beads work in the marble run — fun outdoors!
Anon says
My kids, not big on blocks or magnatiles, were obsessed with marble runs too. Funny random one. Years of entertainment.
Anon says
indoors: magnatiles have been used daily by my now 4 year old twins since they got them as a holiday gift at 2.5, suddenly they are VERY into arts and crafts, so stickers, pom poms, anything they can glue.
outdoors: scooters and water play. this year they got one of those inflatable water slides for their bday and it is great.
anon says
Rocks. Sticks. Unfortunately they wind up in the house.
Post-it notes.
Spirograph says
lol. In this vein, also shovels – real shovels, like garden trowels. Someone here mentioned a “mud garden” one day, which gave a name for something I have but had previously referred to as “the kid’s digging pit.” It is my kids’ favorite outdoor activity.
Anon says
We have a rule of no rocks or sticks in the house and DD (5) gets a pat down each time she comes in because she has been known to “forget” in her pockets.
Anonymous says
Sticks get piled next to the pine cone bucket before going inside, lol.
Anon says
5YO girl:
– magnatiles
– “freestyle” arts and crafts (construction paper, scissors, glue, washi tape, pom poms, popcicle sticks, googly eyes, crayons, markers, watercolors), as long as it is all washable I don’t hover and let her go to town
– playing the floor is lava using blankets and pillows to make safe spots or pools of lava
– play kitchen, particularly combined with playdoh and cookie cutters that she uses like modeling clay (i.e., lets it dry) to make marbled cookies, pancakes, balls, etc.
– Barbies and their camper van
Outside my kid can dig in the dirt using a hand shovel and look for worms or color with chalk (she likes to make super long hopscotches too) for a good hour while I sit in the porch rocker and just make sure she doesn’t run in the street or dig up anything not a weed.
octagon says
We never have fancy washi tape but have so many rolls of blue painter’s tape that serve the same purpose. It comes in a variety of widths, too.
Pogo says
+1 to the blue painter’s tape
Also for some reason, mini bungee cords and carabiners. We put them in our son’s stocking from Santa and he was ecstatic. Uses them for all kinds of construction and play.
anonn says
4 year old can play with her Finding Nemo Busy book for a really long time, it came with maybe a dozen plastic figurines.
She got a V-tech sit to stand train when she was like 8 months old that she used pretty consistently for years, she still play with it and she’s almost 5.
AwayEmily says
SO MANY good ideas! thanks all!
Anon says
Help please!!! I have a tantrum-er, and I legit don’t know what to do about it. He is almost 3, and can be a delightful, chatty, happy guy. But he’s totally and completely unpredictable. Something will set him off that is totally unexpected (can be anything – wrong plate, we are out of juice, we didn’t get to take the other car, we aren’t in an airplane, an older sibling left, an older sibling came back, etc.), and he goes into a full-blown screaming fit. Literally. He will scream “I want [X]!” over and over while crying and even laying on the floor kicking his legs/throwing his head back. It’s honestly almost comical how absurd these tantrums are.
He is my 3rd kid, and I’ve literally never had a child like this. My other kids had fits that were much more specific to hunger, tired, etc. I can’t find a trigger for these – it’s not when he’s tired or hungry, it’s just that he wants something and freaks out. We just went on vacation and he threw like 3 of these fits in public places, and it just s*cked.
We’ve tried all the gentle parenting solutions (emphasize, totally ignore, etc.), but the only thing that actually seems to work is someone in the house (older sibling, parent) finally looks at him and goes “[Name] STOP.” in a loud, angry voice. So, not super gentle, but effective?
Any tricks? Tips? Will he grow out of it? We are traveling again soon, and man it is embarrassing/tough to deal with in a public setting or on public transportation especially. My older kids were in full time preschool at this age, and he’s always been home with us or a nanny, I’m wondering if that’s it? He just hasn’t been socialized out of this behavior?
Spirograph says
Hi, my middle child was a tantrum-er and I’m here to tell you that you can’t nice-parent your way out of everything. If you have something effective (and non-harmful), use it; a well-timed stern voice and angry face is a totally valid tool. The socialization might be factor, but it’s more likely this is just his personality. My tantrum kid was in full time preschool… by all accounts she didn’t tantrum there, just at home for us. yay. Yes, it s*cks when tantrums happen in public, but he will grow out of it.
One thing I did was take a video at home of one of my daughter’s tantrums and let her watch it another day when she was calm. She called it her “Mad [name]” video and asked for it multiple other times, which gave us a good starting point to talk about how ridiculous and unhelpful that behavior was, and how loud and annoying it was for everyone around her. I’m not sure it helped her grow out of the tantrums at all, but it was heartening to see that her rational brain knew that tantrums are wrong.
Anon says
I don’t know if he’s quite old enough, but I’d try having conversations with him during calm moments both before and after.
Before you go to a restaurant or other triggering place, let him know what will happen if he throws a tantrum. Also let him know that you hope to do X fun thing if he is well behaved. Set expectations.
I’d also talk to him post tantrum about his feelings and options to get his desired outcome without screaming.
Anon says
i mean it could be the nanny thing, but my kids behave completely differently at school than at home, so it is likely his personality. i totally get that it is embarrassing in public. i think most of the parenting ‘experts’ would say that the goal is not necessarily to stop his tantrum (he’s allowed to have big feelings), but to let him ride through it safely and then spend a lot of time talking about what else you can do when you feel mad instead of screaming/shouting on the floor, so trying to teach that the feelings are ok, but the behavior is not. also, he is not even 3 yet.
Anonymous says
So it sounds like these are purposeful reactions to not getting his way, not the crazy out-of-control kind of tantrum that results from overstimulation. If “STOP” works, go with it! Since his tantrum behavior actually seems to be under his control, consequences such as removing him from the situation should also be effective. In this situation, where he knows perfectly well that he shouldn’t be acting out and is capable of stopping when reminded, “gentle parenting” is just going to make things worse by making it into a bigger deal and validating his behavior.
anon says
Of course he will grow out of it. He’s 2! It’s pure chance your older two only had tantrums that made sense to you. There are lots of things you can try, but time is the only real “solution,” to the extent one can or should solve their child’s feelings. Find some physical activity that he enjoys that might serve as an emotional outlet (for mine, that’s throwing beanbags as hard as he can at an innocent bit of wall. Stomping is also good, but mine doesn’t go for it). Watch the Daniel Tiger episode about big feelings (surely there’s more than one) and sing the song about taking a deep breath, nice and slow over and over again until you are the one who might lose it. Think deeply about his needs — does he need more connection in the form of 1:1 time? Is he feeling left out by older siblings? Included too much in age-inappropriate play? Does he want more control over his body or environment or time (a lot of seemingly random/arbitrary episodes can be explained by this one)? Talk about feelings all the time — yours, his, siblings, people in books. Praise siblings — and him, lavishly — when they get through something tough with even the tiniest bit of grace. Model coping out loud in a way that feels silly, “gosh, that was so disappointing, I was really looking forward to that. You know, I’m pretty upset, so I’m going to take a little walk around the house and take some deep breaths.” Practice ahead of time what you will do when he has a tantrum in public so you don’t feel panicked. If that’s picking him up like a football and walking out, then hey, that’s your solution. Talk about feelings even more. Listen to his preferences — if he only wants the blue plate, then just wash the stupid thing every five minutes, or buy a whole pack of them. If you don’t understand why he’s melting down over such a tiny thing, then surely it’s a tiny enough thing that you can just make it happen. It’s a season. It will be over soon.
Anon says
I mean, I would looove if yelling stop at my kids would end their tantrums.
But really, sounds like you got “lucky” with your other two and this one just has a different personality. Of my four kids two are tantrum throwers. The other two have been known to throw down of course, but two just have a much quicker trigger and have a lot more trouble stopping the tantrum from happening or calming down. I don’t think it’s a daycare vs nanny thing. This all sounds pretty normal and exactly like my current three year old (except she won’t stop when you yell stop!)
Anon says
Also, I’m sorry but be ready for this to last until around four and a half? It does not magically get better at four in my experience, which for some reason I thought it would.
Anonanonanon says
It definitely started declining at 4 but was not totally gone at 4 with my kids. 3 is just a truly terrible year all around.
I’m a mean mom compared to a lot of folks here (I was raised in the deep south, sorry) and my youngest is SO LOUD in her tantrums that, when they’re at home, I put her in her room. After reason fails, I tell her “I understand you’re upset about (ridiculous thing), but I can’t let you scream in everyone’s ears why we’re trying to have a conversation. You can stop screaming, or I’ll need to put you in your room until you can stop screaming.” Then I’ll carry her kicking and screaming to her room and put her there. She learned I meant it, so now when I say that she stops screaming (she might still pout and be rude, but the ear-piercing screams stop).
My older one was much less trouble but we had a couple of public fits. I abandoned more than one cart of groceries while he was 3, but it only took a couple of times of me carrying him out of somewhere kicking and screaming for him to understand that we really would leave.
Part of growing up is learning that it’s OK to have big feelings, but you don’t get to ruin things for everyone around you every time you’re unhappy (think of how many adults you know that still need to learn that lesson!) so I don’t feel guilty about teaching that lesson at all.
Anon says
ugggggggggggh we went for a third kid and ended up with twins. I’m limping through age 3 with the twins right now and working every single day through resentment at how freaking hard it is. The older kids are so easy right now that I often can’t believe I reset the clock, and with 2 kids, you can’t hide how hard the toddler years are (bc even if one is having a reprieve from toddler antics, the other one is probably throwing a tantrum).
I keep telling myself I won’t feel this way when they are 4.5+ and older. But it’s been a slog to get through these two tough years.
Anon says
Mom of 5-year-old twins here and it gets so much better! Yeah, we still have days where both kids are a mess, but nothing like when they were 3. I agree that it seems so much harder when you have two kids both going through tough stages at the same time.
Anon says
thank you mom of 5 year old twins for you post. as a mom of 4 year old twins i needed to know there is hope…lol. they were delightful until 3 months after their 3rd birthday and since then they are so hit or miss. please save me from the teenage years. it does often seem like one of them is always struggling with something – one is sleeping great, then the other one is not. one is being cooperative and good at independent play, other is not. etc. next summer we are thinking of traveling with them for a month, and i can’t decide if it will be fun or if it is the worst idea ever
Pogo says
We also put our almost 5yo in his room if he is tantrumming (usually because he hits or kicks). He needs to like… break the spell, so to speak, and I feel like some of his tantrums would go on forever if we didn’t give him that space.
I feel like the one good thing about having an older one w/ tantrums is that my younger one doesn’t phase me at all. I try (with both kids) to accommodate if I can – “Ok, you want a blue spoon because brother has a blue spoon?” – but this morning the toddler wanted to bring a toy truck to daycare, which is against the rules. Of course I had to carry him in literally kicking and screaming. But I calmly stated, “I know, you love your truck. But (daycare lady) has lots of trucks too! Home toys stay at home. I love you.”
I truly cannot count the number of times I’ve carried a kicking and screaming child into daycare and it just…doesn’t bother me anymore. Good news is: I can’t remember the last time I’ve had to do it with the older one, so they do grow out of the public tantrumming at least. And I certainly never judge when I see someone else dealing w/ it.
Anon says
Yep, carried a kicking, screaming child into or out of daycare, play dates, stores, many times. It really doesn’t faze me and the only people who would be judging me are people whose opinions I don’t care about.
Pogo says
ha today I learned it’s faze not phase!
Anonymous says
Whenever I see a parent carrying a kicking, screaming child I give them a smile of solidarity.
Anon says
Yes he will grow out of it. My daughter had daily tantrums until close to 4 and now at almost 4.5 she basically never has one. At this age frequent tantrums are normal.
Anonymous says
Honestly it sounds to me like your older kids were in unusually easy. Almost 3 year olds throwing fits in public is completely typical. My best friend had a first kid like your older kids and was absolutely shell shocked by her second kid’s much more normal behavior. She called me constantly fretting about it and I kept reassuring it was very normal. (Even her “difficult” second kid wasn’t as strong-willed or tantrumy as my kid.) Both her kids had the same school environment.
DLC says
I think if saying, “Stop!” is what he responds to, then yeah, that’s what you do. You know your kids best and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I read a quote once that really helped me get over my feeling of being judged for my public parenting: “Other people’s opinions do not get to trump what you feel like your kid needs.”
Anon says
A while back I posted about having a seven year old who still threw pretty bad tantrums. Someone else posted they were going through the same thing and they were going to try a therapist – are you around other poster? how did it work out?
I made an appointment for DD with a play therapist but she had crazy anxiety about going to the appointment and made lists of all the strategies she would employ to not throw tantrums – which honestly looked pretty similar to what I thought would be recommended. She’s gotten better but is still not GREAT. She said she’d heard bad things about therapy at school (ugh) so it became a whole thing unfortunately.
A says
That was me! I was just thinking today that I never reported back. My daughter has had three sessions of therapy, and, perhaps it’s the placebo effect, but it seems to be helping. A lot of the focus so far has been on mindfulness/awareness of feelings and body sensations and some kid-appropriate conversations around brain anatomy, like the pre-frontal cortex and amygdala. My daughter has been really excited about therapy, I think mostly because she loves an opportunity to talk about herself with an adult? Ha. The hardest part is of course the stuff we’re expected to do at home to make it really stick, which is hit or miss. Honestly it’s hard to add in another thing to the day, but I’m glad to be doing it.
Baby sleep says
Sleep help – I have a 5 year old and a 10-week old. The baby is not napping much or for long in his crib; he will fall asleep and stay asleep for quite awhile in the crib or carrier. What should I do to work on crib naps? It feels really hard to get into a routine because the day is so broken up for the older one – getting her ready in the morning, dropping her off and picking up, and have been lots of random appointments recently.
AwayEmily says
Honestly, I don’t think there’s much you can do to lengthen crib naps — kids come to it when they come to it. We sleep trained all 3 of my kids (CIO, with our pediatrician’s blessing) at around 10 weeks. From that point they were consistently sleeping 11-12 hours straight at night, but naps were only 30-45 minutes. Their naps started lengthening at around 4 months. My youngest is 4.5 months and she’s just started taking crib naps that are longer than 40 minutes.
anon says
+1. This is just how 10 week olds are. Mine never took naps longer than 45 minutes, with a few super long flukey ones thrown in just to mess with me, until at least 5 months.
Anonymous says
This. Babies will nap when, where, and if they choose. Mine never took a crib nap, not even at day care. It drove the teachers crazy. She would only nap in the stroller or the car. It was actually nice not being shackled to a nap routine. I think it was related to the fact that she slept well at night after about 5 months or so, but who knows whether the lack of naps was the cause or the effect of the solid nighttime sleep.
anon says
Yep. My kids were awesome night sleepers (sleeping through the night at 8 weeks adjusted) but horrible nappers until age 1. We did a lot of naps in baby carriers or supervised in bouncers.
Aunt Jamesina says
At ten weeks, the only long-ish naps we ever got were contact naps.
Anonymous says
Yup, echoing everyone else. By the time I became a SAHM, I had a toddler and newborn. Naps were so hit or miss. Lots of contact naps while the toddler got screen time. The benefit of your older one being 5 is you can tell them to go and play or color or whatever. Lots of carrier naps while the older one is at the playground.
Pogo says
Yes and also there is a law of nature, the one time that the baby naps for 3 hours in their crib, that is the day that you have to wake them up to pick up older sibling or take them to a well child visit.
Lean into the stroller or car naps. And then wait for daycare or nanny to do the serious nap training.
sleepy vibes says
I did a 3 day sleep training with an online sleep coach when my son was 4 months. Took off a Friday to be all-in and then was pretty strict about the routine for 2 weeks. He’s 18month now and still a good sleeper, we can move the schedule around he still just crashes for 1.5 + hours when I put him in the crib for naps. the trainer was 4thloveofsleep. It’s basically CIO with strict wake-windows and eat-play-sleep.
anon says
My 7th grader’s school sent back-to-school information yesterday. (Ugh, whyyyyy.) It really put me into a funk. The first year of middle school was pretty rough, despite the academics being amazing for my kid. I spent so much time talking to the guidance counselor about anxiety, social issues, you name it. Summer has been a welcome reprieve from that. He’s a kid who really struggles to fit in, always has, and last year sort of burst my bubble of hope that maybe a new school would be a fresh start. I’m mostly venting into the void here, but it seriously bums me out. It goes to show that even if your kid is sailing through advanced courses, that doesn’t mean that school is easy or simple in any way.
Anon says
sending hugs. also, retailers – please stop starting with back to school stuff in June!!!! we end school in May where I live, but half the country is still in school then. i struggled a lot in middle and high school socially, but college was wonderful for me and 15+ years later i’m still besties with my college friends. i wish that when i’d been in middle/high school i’d either had an outside of school outlet or a summer outlet with different people
anon says
We have given him the opportunity to do many summer camps, and he seems legitimately happy. So I hope that offsets what happens during the school year.
Anon says
I honestly think schools struggle specifically with the kids who sail through advanced courses. Maybe understandably they tend to focus more on the kids who need more motivation, encouragement, and help with academics.
Anonymous says
This is so true. And when a smart kid starts to have trouble because of issues undiagnosed or diagnosed, the school doesn’t want to help because “but they are so smart; they just need to motivate themself!” The smarter they are, the worse it is. It’s almost as if the teachers and administrators take joy in seeing smart kids suffer.
Anonanonanon says
fwiw, 7th grade was the year I found my people. I still speak to a lot of them 20 years later. There is still time and hope!
anon says
Agreed. IMO, 5th and 6th are the absolute worst. The social stuff starts to get easier in 7th or 8th. By high school kids seem to accept differences and quirky kids a lot more. Hopefully he’ll have a better year.
If he doesn’t have this, I’d keep looking for social groups outside of school. A school day of difficult social interactions feels so much less overwhelming if you know you are accepted by someones elsewhere.
Anonymous says
On the other end of the spectrum, our school couldn’t get its act together to distribute yearbooks until after school was out, defeating the entire purpose of yearbooks which is to be signed during the last few days of school. My daughter is expected to show up for choir “camp” at some point in August, but we have no idea which days so I can’t schedule anything else for the entire month of August. At this point all we know is what day school starts.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yearbook distribution in the fall was normal in two different districts I worked in. It’s a ton of work to put together, and fall means they’re able to include events that happened in the spring.
Anon says
+1 – as a HS Journalism nerd, our yearbook wasn’t distributed until Fall. In elementary and junior high we got them at the end of the school year.
anon says
Former yearbook editor here, and this was definitely the case for us.
Anon says
I think we got them by the end of the year, because I do remember yearbook signing being a ‘thing’ senior year (I don’t recall doing it before that, but I also wasn’t popular so who knows). But I feel like it may have been after classed ended because seniors had a few special events between classes ending and graduation and I think they may have been distributed in that time.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hugs. This sounds hard.
I wish I had words and resources in junior high for what were anxiety, social issues, etc. I was constantly bullied for my ethnicity (despite being in a diverse school…), always felt awkward as I saw friends getting boyfriends and girlfriends when I had 0 prospects, was called ugly regularly…and this was all happening while doing very well in school.
I didn’t find my people until college, and 20+ years later we talk all the time – I just had dinner with one of them and our kids earlier this week, and am meeting up another with her kids this weekend. Being a “late bloomer” socially was one of the best things for me, but it’s hard to comprehend that as a teen/tween.
Anonymous says
Too soon! Our last day of school was Monday.
Anon says
Good g-d! Our schools get out in May. But they also start obscenely early (first week of August) so I guess either way you lose a big chunk of summer.
Anonymous says
Yeah we don’t start until the Thursday after Labor Day.
Anonymous says
All three of mine are going to day care next year, but I saw back to school stuff this weekend and it majorly bummed me out too! My friends’ kids in California literally just got out of school a week or two ago.
Double Career Counseling? says
Has anyone done couples career counseling (or more like 5- or 10- year planning) with a career counselor or maybe someone like a life coach? I feel like DH and I could really use some time set aside to focus on our goals as a family and look up from the rut that both of us seem stuck in. We’re most likely to follow through if we have appointments with a third party and some sort of objective framework to get us started. Planning our careers would be a big part of it, but really looking to go beyond that and getting on the same page together for what we both want our lives to look like in 5 years, 10 years, etc. We’re in a moment that precedes some big career shifts/decisions for both of us and I would like to get on the same page.
Does a thing like this exist? Please let me know if you’ve done something like this. And please drop a link if you know someone who does this over Zoom that you would recommend. I’ve considered couples counseling but I don’t quite think that is what I’m looking for.
Anon says
I do not know if this exists but it does seem like a good idea. Maybe you could each meet with a career coach and then do some couples counseling with that guidance in mind?
anonM says
Maybe look at Caroline Dowd-Higgins? I’ve met her, but not used her as a coach. Seemed very positive and helpful, and based on her online presence looks like she does more than career coaching so might be willing to approach this with a couple. We also meet yearly with our financial planner who does make us look at our long-term plans and does probe a bit about careers — not really counseling, but maybe looking for a couples counselor that also does financial counseling?
Pogo says
I’m interested in the responses – particularly if one or both of us has to move abroad, we need to coordinate. So far we have informal checkins with each other about potential moves in our company, opportunities that are coming up, etc. Would be cool to have a professional help us plan it all though.
Double Career Counselinv says
Yes, this is where we are at. Just quick check ins but I feel we need more with where we are at right now.
anon says
Can I just say that some days I feel this resonate in my soul?
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/good-parents-capitalize-on-their-individual-strengths-my-wifes-is-seeing-to-our-kids-every-need-and-mine-is-roughhousing
Anonymous says
Crying emoji
Spirograph says
lol
I feel this, too. But not in a my-husband’s-not-doing-enough way… I really am too tired in the evenings/don’t find it that fun to do roughhousing things, and it is really good for the kids! And I like it when he distracts them or takes them out of the house so I can get stuff done.
Anonanonanon says
lol @my ex husband.
Anonymous says
So many McSweeney’s posts resonate in my soul.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
OMG this is totally me some days (except for cleaning house and running errands – most of that is outsourced/delivery, and I would not skip a hang with my BFFs unless it was major).
I’ll have to send this to my husband when he’s not on work travel and feeling guilty about not being around! I’m sure the accusations that I’m an enabler will follow in 3…2….1… ;)
Anon says
I definitely feel this. But personally, I much prefer attending to needs than roughhousing. I enjoy being the calm, cuddly parent. I’d take the bedtime routine over playtime any day of the week.
Pogo says
hahahaha oh man. Luckily not my DH most of the time, but his brother is like this – he rolls up at 9pm when my SIL has everyone settled into bed and them amps them all up by roughousing after she’s done the entire evening routine.
Anonymous says
I agreed to do an interview for a job that someone in my network (that I look up to and don’t want to disappoint) recommended me for, but after thinking about it this week, I don’t actually want to leave my current job. I should still do the interview and then decline if they give me an offer, right? I am curious about what this job would be like, and it might be good information/experience in case I want to pursue this kind of job in the future. But I’m pretty certain I want to stay where I am right now.
Anonymous says
As someone who recently flubbed an interview process for a job I really wanted b/c I was incredibly rusty… yes, do it. It will be excellent practice and offer you some perspective when you do want to make the switch.
Anon says
Same. I totally flubbed an interview for a job I didn’t really want (not on purpose) but used the feedback during an interview for a job that surprisingly came along later that I really wanted. I’m so glad I got that first flub out of the way.
Anon says
(Sorry I’m typing quickly and realizing circumstances were different. Sorry you flubbed the one you wanted! I meant more I agreed that it’s good to brush up the skills).
Anonymous says
With lots of talk about vacation this week, I am curious for people’s recommendations for possible trips in April next year. Places that you’ve liked that have been good with a 3/4 year old kid. Generally looking for – hotel with excellent service, most likely a beach/pool setup (doesn’t have to be though), and a direct flight from Charlotte. Bonus if it’s a hotel that has options for adjoining rooms or many suites/villas on the property. Ideally no more than a thousand a night. I’m one of those people who loathes researching travel options, so looking to possibly just copy someone’s vacation!!
Anon says
Check out Beaches. I haven’t been yet myself (going this winter) but a lot of friends love it and it’s definitely set up with families in mind. Lots of rooms have a separate room with bunks for kids. Turks and Caicos is beautiful. There are direct flights from Charlotte to Turks and Caicos on American Air, that was our layover on our trip there a few years ago.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My recommendation is fresh in my mind as husband and I just went – Omni Resort in Amelia Island, FL. Has the private beach + pools + restaurants + spa + golf on site. I imagine there are many direct flights from your area – there were some from ours. I think they had adjoining rooms and suites available – it’s a big property. Weather should be good and not terribly hot and humid in April.
NYCer says
Montage Palmetto Bluff if South Carolina isn’t too close to home. It is about a 40-45 min drive from Savannah airport, but the resort itself is fantastic.
San Diego if you’re up for a cross country flight. Hotel Del Coronado is great. Caveat that the weather in southern California may or may not be warm enough for the beach/pool in April. There are other things to do in SD, including the zoo and Legoland.
Turks and Caicos or Grand Cayman? The Ritz T&C is super nice, but it may be over $1,000/night. There are lots of other nice resorts on Grace Bay. We stayed at the Kimpton in Grand Cayman and liked it. We have family friends who stayed at more of a condo resort in Grand Cayman (cannot remember the name, sorry!) and also liked it. (I am not certain if there are direct flights from Charlotte to either of these destinations though.)
Miami? Naples?
Anon says
I commented above but there are definitely direct flights from Charlotte to Turks and Caicos. It was our layover stop when we flew American to TCI a few years ago. I think there are non-stops to Grand Cayman too. It’s a major hub for AA (formerly US Airways) and they route a lot of Caribbean flights through there.
startup lawyer says
We just booked Ritz at Grand Cayman. the water park looks great.
I also think Miami would be good for that age and so convenient.
Anon says
Pretty sure that’s where Big Little Feelings has been for the last few weeks. It looks dreamy!
Anonanonanon says
HELP
I just got a job offer. It is a large private company and they offered 15% over what I currently make (which they don’t know) with a 10K signing bonus. I talked to a contact there who thinks I should negotiate. I know my offer is below the max hiring range, and the recruiter even said “let me know if you have questions or need to discuss anything, we want people to come in happy!” on the phone which seems like a green flag to negotiate.
HOW DO I DO THAT. I am transitioning from government/non-profit work to private so I have no background in negotiating a salary. How does one word that they’re happy with the offer but a bit more would be great? I’m 7K below the max hiring range the recruiter gave me in the beginning of the process, so I wouldn’t be asking for a huge change.
Also, fwiw, the reason I’m feeling so unsure is because while I have a lot of experience and transferrable skills that will serve me and the organization well in this position, I don’t have direct experience in this sector. So it almost feels hard to justify asking for more.
Anonymous says
They don’t know your current salary. I’d definitely say something along the lines of “I was so happy to receive the offer and am excited to work for X company. I was looking for more like X dollars to make the switch from my current position. Is this something we could discusss?”
EDAnon says
My husband left government for private industry. He was made a great offer and he still countered. It was something like they offered $100k, he said he was looking for $110k, they told him they could do $105k and an extra week of vacation but couldn’t go higher due to internal equity. He was happy with his final offer.
I assume you’re negotiating with HR/a recruiter. If so, I would say something like “I am really interested in the position. The offer was a lower then I expected, given me experience and skills” (feel free to be more specific at the end, but I wouldn’t worry too much about exactly what you say.) When they ask what you were expecting, you can say something like “I expected to be around [whatever makes sense, but I would shoot close to the top of the hiring range]”. If they push, make sure you have a specific number you’d be happy with, whether it’s the max or $5k above current.
If you want something else, ask for that in addition. Coming from government, my husband was used to a lot of vacation time. They bumped him to the max they allow as a company based on crediting his prior experience.
Good luck! Definitely try! If they say no, you have a good offer anyway. I had someone negotiate hard and I totally forget about it most of the time. On occasion it comes up and I am just happy for her 😀
EDAnon says
When using my scripts, correct the typos lol
Pogo says
They always expect you to negotiate. I would definitely try.
Anon says
My lovely, funny, bright 4-year-old is also a major whiner. Like constant. It’s awful for all involved. We’ve gotten him to re-think how he’s asking things (“try that again, please”) to avoid whining, but the whiny reactions “noooo but I like fruits not vegetables!, “I don’t want to say hi, I’m SHY” abound. Any advice? Will he grow out of this? Please say yes…
Anon says
Hmm, my 4 year old definitely whines but it’s not constant. Mainly I notice it when we’re taking long walks (“I’m tiiiiiiiiiiired”). Is there an opportunity to say yes more and/or to not force your kid to do things they really don’t want to do? I’m not a big fan of telling kids to say hi to people if they don’t want to, and we try to have some food she likes at every meal (but we have an extreme picky eater who would starve herself if only offered things she doesn’t like, so I realize others may take a different approach to food).
Anonanonanon says
Sometimes I try to give her advice on what she could say instead of “try again” if that doesn’t work. Like “I understand you like fruit more than vegetables, but we can say that without using our whining voice. Maybe try ‘no thank you, I prefer to have fruit’ or ‘no thank you, I don’t feel like vegetables right now.'” the key is to make sure I do respect what she says when she says it politely (within reason). So, if next time she said “No thank you, I would rather have fruit please” I might say “I understand, thank you for telling me so nicely. I’ll go get you some fruit from the fridge right now!” just to reinforce. It takes time.
Anonymous says
Yes he will! My son was not a tantrum-er (really – it happened once and I legit thought he was having a seizure), but he whined a lot. He’s 10 now and he has moved on to things like the silent treatment and stomping off in a huff. I think it is the more passive approach to the big feelings of preschool-hood.
Anonymous says
PS – his preschool teacher said things like, “I can’t understand when you use that voice” a lot. I think this is super common though.
anonM says
Just an idea – you might be able to at least break the (irritating) ice on this with some humor. Maybe you and your partner exaggerate whining at each other over dinner. The kids will probably laugh and then you can be like “it is funny when Mom and Dad whine, but wasn’t it hard to understand us! Much easier and nicer when we talk kindly to each other.” Otherwise, we do a lot of try overs and tbh just ignoring or telling them “sorry, I can only hear polite requests today.”