Finding Quality Time With Your Kids as a Working Mom
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2019 Update: We still stand by this discussion on how to find quality time with your kids as a working mom — but you may want to check out our newer discussion on what do you do for quality time with your kids.
How do you deal when your work AND your child both need more attention than usual, at the same time? I saw commenters talking about this problem yesterday, and it’s been on my mind lately too, so let’s discuss the challenge of finding quality time with your kids when you’re a working mom.
Harry is getting old enough now (and we finally finished weaning) that I’d like to set up “parent dates” on the weekend where we each have dedicated one-on-one time with each boy.
{related: our best tips to spend more quality time with your kids}
My older son is only three, but we’ve already had a few times in his short life where it’s clear he needed more quality time with us — particularly me, it seemed — in a big way.
I’m at the point now where it seems like if he’s continuously acting out, and if I can’t blame the three S’s (sugar, sleep, and screen time), then odds are good that it’s time to try more quality time. Sometimes this isn’t a problem — but now it’s the holidays, and there are a million things going on both professionally and personally, so spending the entire weekend building with Legos isn’t exactly what I want to (or can) do.
{related: what do you do for quality time with your kids}
I often find myself thinking of Anne Marie Slaughter’s 2012 piece in The Atlantic about Why Women Still Can’t Have it All.
My own life is nowhere near as crazy as Slaughter’s, of course, but she quit her “dream job” at the State Department when her 14-year-old son, who was acting out, needed more of her attention.
(She also has another son, who was 12 at the time.) So I think it speaks to a bigger problem that all working moms suffer from — across all stages of childrearing. (Slaughter speaks about her decision in this short video.)
So how do you do it? How do you manage to give both your kid — and your work — the attention they each need? I’m no expert, but I have a few working theories:
- Focus on the “quality” in quality time. If you have 45 minutes to spend with your child from the time you get home to the time he has to go to bed, really focus on HIM. Put the smartphone down, make something simple and easy for dinner (or order pizza), and give him 100% of your attention. Sometimes just 45 minutes of really focused attention can be better than 2-3 hours of only part of your attention.
- Create and maintain special rituals for the two of you. If you always put him down to bed, or you always give him his bath, try to maintain that ritual, even if it’s hard to do with work. If after work isn’t great, try creating rituals in the morning instead — for example, you always make breakfast together.
- Know what can — and cannot — be outsourced. Dinner: yes. Quality time: no. Sure, sometimes your partner can step in for you — but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and give your child that mommy time.
Readers, how do you deal when your child and your work both need your attention? (Do you say anything at work about it, to manage things on that level?) Do you sacrifice personal time (for example, the only 45 minutes you have to work out each day, or that extra 45 minutes of sleep you really need) for quality time with your child? Share your best strategies!
(Originally pictured (small thumbnail): A fairly common image, originally uploaded to Flickr by Yoz Grahame. 2019 updates (stock photo of mom and blond toddler) via Stencil.)
This topic makes me sad, yet it’s the reality of being a working mom. When work is busy and must be done, there is nothing that can be “sacrificed” in order to spend quality time with the kids. It’s not like I have personal time when work is on a deadline (or ever, actually), and I go to sleep later than the kids and wake up no later than they wake up in the morning. So quality time is just not going to happen. It’s awful, but I can’t sacrifice my work performance and job security for my family. Fortunately, it’s not always like this, only during busy periods.
I think your points are spot-on. I also used to do a “date night” with my older daughter once a week. It was a chore-free weekday evening where I would let her pick something fun to do (usually go to the playground or visit the horses at a local farm). I must admit that this little ritual has fallen off the map since baby #2 arrived, but I’d like to pick it back up in some form. I also like taking a random day off once or twice a year to spend with my kiddo. It’s fun to pretend to be a SAHM for a day and do an activity that we usually have to miss because it’s at 9 am on a Tuesday. My husband and I also try to involve our kids in our exercise. They come to every race and we will often set up shop at a local park/playground and take turns watching the kids while the other bikes or runs. Everyone has fun and gets a workout in. Finally, with both of my kids, I have really enjoyed wearing them in baby carriers as a way to stay in tune with them. It’s a really nice way to stay close to them while also getting things done.
As a mom of one, can I ask if anyone has considered these issues is deciding on their family size? I go back and forth all the time about whether I would want to have a second. It seems like it would be a lot easier to have quality time with just one kid, but I also think time siblings spend together is valuable. Thoughts?
One of the biggest challenges in getting quality time is turning off my multi tasking instincts! It is hard to transition to home life and not be thinking about work, wanting to check email, etc. Or not want to also be cleaning the house, starting a load of laundry, etc. I need to tell myself to set everything aside and just listen/look/play with my kid. We also have a standing Saturday morning date. Dada gets to sleep in and we go to breakfast and do something fun. Even if we are running errands after breakfast, I bill it as an adventure and set down my phone, so we get some one-on-one time together. We’ve also started going on “dates” for dinner (son is almost 3) and I’ve been amazed at how much he loves it. I think after we have another kid, it will be harder. But carving out a small pocket of time for each of them will be high on my priority list.
I am a big believer in play and physical contact when my kids need quality time – lots of hugs, roughhousing, chase games, and more hugs. The suggestions in this article feel a little goofy, but I found – especially when I had my second baby – that they really work. My oldest had some transition difficulties when the baby was born, and I drew on these tips to help reconnect with her.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/play-child-emotional-intelligence
Any tips on quality time when you are effectively a single parent and work is out of control? Spouse is out of town for 3 months for work; I am billing 65 hours a week and still falling behind; I am basically not sleeping; I’ve outsourced cooking and cleaning. But every night, when I tell my kid it’s time for bed, he complains that we barely played and I feel like a total failure as a parent.
From the kid of an ’80s working corporate lawyer mom (and soon-to-be working mom myself) I’ll chime in with long-term ideas from what my mom did that I still remember: 1) subscription series for kids at the city orchestra that we would attend together, usually on a Sunday afternoon 2) seeing where she worked and playing with the dictaphone (ha!) 3) read us stories every other night (dad would make up stories on the other nights – which was fun because we looked forward to both) including longer books like Wind in the Willows that we’d read a part of each night 4) made a big deal out of holiday traditions (when she’d definitely be off-off of work), including going to see a children’s play 5) used her frequent flier miles for kid-friendly trips with no work (easier before smartphones I’m sure).
We had a full-time, live-in nanny so she outsourced a lot of the day-to-day but these are the things I remember. And I honestly don’t remember being upset that she wasn’t doing what my friends’ moms were – especially because I had been to her work and at least when I was older, kind of understood that it was a cool job where she was important.
Does anyone Facetime kids from work if you know it’ll be a late night? My son is only 17 months old and I haven’t done it yet because I’m afraid he doesn’t understand it and it will be more difficult for him when I have to hang up than if I’d never called at all. Am I overthinking?
I travel regularly for work and have to work late certain times of the year. I usually Facetime the 4 year and just talk on speaker phone for the 16 month old. She is still amazed when her favorite toy (parent’s phone) actually makes noise.