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Updated: Mar 17, 2019 180 Comments · by

Budget Thursday: Printed Ruched Crisscross Dress

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A woman wearing a Printed Ruched Crisscross DressThis is a cute and flattering dress from NY Collection, available at Macy’s. I like a lot of elements of this dress — the unique neckline (the website description calls it “sweetheart,” though I don’t necessarily agree), the ruching, and the fun pattern. I like that the pattern is called “Aqua Partydot,” and it seems pretty apt. I can picture playing up the pink with a fun pair of pink shoes, or toning down the pattern by throwing a black blazer on top. This dress is available in sizes 1X–3X and is currently on sale for $34. The same print can be found on a somewhat similar NY Collection dress that comes in sizes S–XL and is on sale for $47. Printed Ruched Crisscross Dress This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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About April

April is a working mom, a longtime reader of CorporetteMoms, and wrote our morning fashion advice for working moms from April 2018 to October 2020. She has one child (born 2/17!) and she’s a public interest lawyer in NYC.

Comments

  1. HSAL says

    After two months of ear infections and fluid that won’t drain, my 9 month twins are getting tubes tomorrow morning. Any post-procedure tips/warnings? The nurse said they’d be disoriented and “floppy” when they came out of recovery. They’re using gas, not IV. Let’s hope this nightmare is almost over!

    • anne-on says

      Be prepared – they can not only be ‘floppy’ but inconsolable when they’re coming out of it. I’d make sure you’re prepared to need to hold/walk/rock them pretty much nonstop until they’re fully out of it. I’d also confirm with your doctor when you can last give breast milk if you’re still nursing or pumping. I was FURIOUS that mine didn’t think to tell us that breast milk = water for the purposes of anesthesia and I had to hold off on feeding my son for 12 hours instead of 1-2 hours. He was STARVING and SO mad right before he went in for tubes.
      I’d also ask when you arrive how old the other patients are – youngest usually goes first so you have a good shot of being first in, which means less time waiting. Honestly the time before the procedure is the worst – bring lots of distractions!

      • FVNC says

        +1 to all this. My son got tubes at 11 months, and was VERY angry when he woke up. It took him maybe 20-30 min to calm down, unusually long for him. But then the rest of the day he was back to normal. I also was nervous about him fasting, but it really wasn’t an issue — I think I nursed him at 2 am (we’d been told no milk after midnight, so I guess I fudged the rules a bit), then arrived at the hospital by 6 or 6:30 so he was sleepy/distracted and didn’t seem to notice I wasn’t feeding him. Your kids will almost certainly be the first ones to have the procedure, so you shouldn’t have to wait too long before feeding them. It will still be nerve-wracking, I’m sure, but tubes can be wonderfully life-changing.

      • HSAL says

        Thanks, the surgeon originally said nothing after midnight, but then the nurse told me 4 hours for breastmilk. That should be manageable. On the off chance they actually manage to sleep until then, my plan is to wake them up in the 2-3 range to nurse. We’re supposed to be at the surgery center at 6:00 or 6:15, with procedures at 7 and 7:30, so I’m hoping we won’t get pushed back too much. Normally my parents would help out but they’re headed to Disney tomorrow, so my husband is taking the babies in, then I’m taking our oldest to daycare when it opens at 6:30 and then meeting them there. I’m hoping that him taking them in makes them less likely to notice that they haven’t eaten yet. Thanks for the anger tip – I don’t use the carrier much anymore but this seems like good time to have it on hand.

        • Anonymous says

          yes – my 2.5 year old was scary-crying-for-20-minutes when he came out of his adenoids surgery. Ask about antibiotics — my 2.5 year old was given amoxicillin as a matter of course (not because he needed it) and had a crazy reaction 7 days later.

    • Legally Brunette says

      Both of my kids had them around the 1 year mark. It made life SO much better, it’s so worth it. Agreed with others that they will be sad/angry when they wake up, be sure to feed them right away and if you can bring some toys they love or maybe a new little gift, that would be nice for afterwards. I also brought a few board books and toys to keep them busy before the actual surgery. They will be great!

    • sweettarte says

      DD had them at 11 months and again at 20 months For her first set, she was just floppy and sleepy when she woke up. She didn’t really get angry. But fr the second set she was very angry when she got up and more violently floppy but it passed after about 20 minutes.

    • RR says

      My son had a surgery at 10 months, and my daughter had tubes at 20 months. I found 10 months to be a much easier recovery out of anesthesia. My son was just extra floppy and sleepy. My daughter was a little angry and frustrated. Either way, it was like one day and they were back to normal. (They both had subsequent surgeries–one at 5 and one at 10; 20 months was by far the hardest.)

      Tubes were a game changer for my daughter. She didn’t have another ear infection until one fell out around 5.

    • Anonymous says

      Hmmm DD had tubes around the same age and is now 3 YO. Was pumping at the time. It was such a nonevent all I remember is how worried dad and I were. Tubes were great (have since fallen out).

    • Anonymous says

      Can you walk me through how you got the O.K. for tubes? My 7 month old has had 3 ear infections since late January and I think he may have a fourth right now. If he doesn’t, we have an appt next week to check for fluid…

      • HSAL says

        Absolutely. It was really doctor-led for us. We first took them to the doctor in late January and they were diagnosed – both ears for both babies. 10 days of amoxicillin and a follow-up appointment a few days after that and they weren’t clear. Repeated that cycle with Omnicef and Augmentin. After the third round failed to clear it up, we got referred to the ENT and saw them last week. Oddly enough they didn’t have an infection then, but they were still full of fluid – they did a pressure test and their eardrums didn’t move, so it seems like their hearing is probably muffled a little, which is just so sad. ENT said “tubes” and I said “okay.” We weren’t quite to the time threshold that they look at, but the ENT said we’d get there and best to just get it done. My need for sleep agreed with him. Spoke to the surgeon briefly and got on the schedule for tomorrow.

        • anne-on says

          FWIW – your doctor may be more lax on pushing for tubes. I was the one who pushed for them after our 4th ear infection. Our ENT didn’t entirely seem to appreciate how much time off of work it was costing me (appointment, day out of day care, recheck appt., etc.) and was willing to wait until 6(!!!) infections. That way lies madness. Sure enough, our kid had a 5th ear infection between the surgery and tubes. Tubes were life changing as a working parent, would 1000% do them again (and in fact, my kid have to have them put in again when we did the tonsils/adenoids surgery).

          • Anon says

            Any idea if adults can get tubes? I have chronic fluid and get ear infections at least once/year.

          • HSAL says

            Yep, the surgeon mentioned that if I was getting tubes they could just do it in-office, but babies have to be put under because they can’t hold still.

    • octagon says

      Tubes were miraculous for us. Kid wasn’t sick for more than 2 years after getting them. Are you going in with them? They had me hold kiddo while the gas mask went over him, and feeling him go limp in my arms was extremely traumatic for me, even though I knew we were in a safe hospital space. I wasn’t prepared for it.

      After the procedure, he was MAD for about 25 minutes. Just inconsolable. The nurse said that most kids are really angry for about half an hour as the anesthesia wears off and if they are upset beyond that, they will get concerned. Like magic at the 30-minute mark everything was fine.

      The rest of the day was 100% normal. Probably could have gone to daycare if I wanted to push it, but I didn’t.

      • HSAL says

        Oh gosh, thanks for the warning. They didn’t say anything about one of us going in with them, so I have no idea.

    • AwayEmily says

      No advice but good luck — sounds like things will be much better after this is all over but it’s still a lot to get through. Maybe plan on ordering in some extra delicious food that night?

  2. Anonymous says

    This photoshop job has so many skin colors going on. At first when I looked at this, I was like, is she wearing white hose? Then I saw her arms and thought, oh no, she’s just really fair. But then I saw her decolletage and was like, huh?

    • Anonymous says

      I have a hard time believing that is her actual waist line, too. They cut a neat little triangle above where her hand is resting on her hip. Photoshop is hard, so let’s stop doing it!

  3. Ifiknew says

    I scheduled a newborn photo shoot for 10 days after the baby is born. We have a toddler too. She has a cute summer dress that’s white and navy. What should I wear? I have no idea what size I’ll be but don’t want to leave it to the last minute. I also want something that covers my arms, any help would be great!

  4. Anon says

    Does anyone else have a toddler that is terrified of strangers? I know about separation anxiety, but I’m talking about fear of strangers even when her parents are around (and possibly even when we’re holding her). From the time she was a newborn, people would comment on what a solemn and serious baby she was, because she would never smile at anyone who wasn’t us (but she was so smiley for us!). Now that she’s a toddler (16 months) she sometimes cries if someone she doesn’t know touches her or gets too close to her, even if we’re right there. She’s burst into tears in the grocery store and other places because a stranger tried to say hi to her and got too close. We have done family photos a couple times and can’t get a single smile out of her because she’s so freaked out by the photographer – even if one parent is holding her and the other one is right there (multiple photographers have commented they’ve never seen anything like it). Is this a not-going-to-daycare thing, since she’s always been home with a nanny? We travel a lot and go out to eat a couple times a week, so it’s not like she never goes out in public though.

    • Cb says

      Aww, she’s just figuring out the world. I wonder if doing more outings where she can watch other people from a bit of a distance might be helpful? Is she the same way if people visit you at home?

      • Anon says

        The only people that really come to our home are family and close friends, and she knows them and doesn’t seem freaked out. She will smile, babble, interact with them etc. I will say that she seems to be a bit reserved whenever anyone except me and DH is around, but at this age it mostly translates into saving her temper tantrums until it’s just the three of us, and I have no complaints about that ;)

    • Pogo says

      Raises hand. My ped said it is developmentally appropriate (as he told me this my son was sobbing uncontrollably and clinging to me for dear life, looking sideways at the doctor like he was a monster). Recently the floral manager at the grocery store gave my son a balloon and the little guy absolutely lost it, despite the fact that he adores balloons – it was total stranger danger. I do a lot of hugging/snuggles/removal from scary situation.

    • So Anon says

      My daughter was the same way, and at 5, she refuses to smile for other people or for pictures. She is a social butterfly among her little group of friends, has a bestie and is otherwise an affectionate kid. I would not place any stock in the photographer’s comment. Actually, now that I think about it, I was the same way as a kid. We have a few great pictures of me looking thoroughly angry in family photos. I find them hilarious now.
      The part that irks me the most is when people insist that she smile. How about nope. She does not owe anyone anything, like a smile, to make them feel better or conform with their ideas. I wish I could come up with something snarky, yet appropriate to say in front of my daughter, when I get those comments. Alas, I normally just stare back at those people and walk away.

    • Anonymous says

      this is part of the reason we put our twins in daycare at age 2. It wasn’t an easy transition but super shy/scared kid is now a social butterfly. Can you have the nanny take her out of the house more now that it’s spring?

    • AwayEmily says

      Ours was like this at 16 months and now, at 3, is still pretty wary of strangers (she’ll never spontaneously wave or anything) but much, much less freaked out by them. So I’d say just keep giving it time.

      • AwayEmily says

        oh and I will note that ours was in daycare from 4 months on and was totally fine there, so it was not a socialization issue. She just wasn’t into new people/places (and honestly still isn’t — she is a cautious little kid).

      • Anon says

        Same with our kid. 3 years old, perfectly socialized at school with teachers and friends, but she has always been wary of strangers and acquaintances.

        She also is stubborn in resistance to any pressure, however slight, that she be performative. Smile for the camera when she’s not feeling it? Nope, absolutely not, never. Say goodnight to grandparents when she is not in the mood? Won’t even make eye contact. I don’t really want to change this about her, TBH, though we do work on polite ways of saying no (like, instead of responding to grandparents by saying “I don’t like you,” saying “I don’t want a hug, thank you.”

        We went to Disney World recently and she watched all performances and rode all rides basically stone faced. Didn’t crack a smile or respond to anyone’s questions. She loved it and is asking to go back weeks later.

  5. Anon in NYC says

    Guys, my almost 4 year old is a huge jerk, and I need some help figuring out some strategies for me and DH to cope/manage her.

    First issue is just general meanness – lately she has been just flat out rude and telling us she doesn’t like us, that we’re mean, that the other parent is her favorite, that she doesn’t want a particular parent to talk to her/be around her. Our current strategy is to mostly ignore, and/or trade off (i.e., give in – she doesn’t want mom to brush teeth, fine, dad can do it), and occasionally point out that she’s been unkind. Any other tips?

    Second issue has less to do with her age, but mornings are roooooooooough. She will happily pop out of bed on a weekend morning because weekends mean screentime. But weekdays are… a nightmare. She’s always been a late sleeper. On weekdays we often have to wake her up at 7:30. Then she lays in bed for 30 minutes, dozing/acclimating. We have taken a soft approach to this so far and have let her do this. Then when we get her out of bed (at around 8/8:15), it’s a FIGHT to put clothes on her. She refuses to dress herself, but she’ll rip off all the clothes that we put on her. Then we try to get food in her – some days we run out of time to eat breakfast at home and she needs to eat cereal in the stroller because we try to get out the door by 8:30. The ENTIRE MORNING is just emotional AF. She’s screaming / crying, we’re getting frustrated, etc. Our working theory is that she wakes up with very low blood sugar, but we can’t force feed her. But…. this is untenable. Any suggestions?

    • Anonymous says

      For issue #2, could you give her milk or dry cereal as soon as she wakes up, before she gets out of bed?

      • Redux says

        My friend, who is a nurse, believes in a cup of juice upon waking to get blood sugar up. That might be an easier sell for her than eating something right away.

        • Anon in NYC says

          This could be a really good idea. I’ll talk to my husband about it.

    • Anon says

      I may be an outlier on this, but I’m a sleep evangelist and I would not want to be regularly waking a 4 year old, especially one who is clearly not ready to get up and is acting out when you wake her. She either needs an earlier bedtime so she can wake naturally in the mornings, or you need to figure out a childcare solution that lets her sleep later. If nothing else, I wouldn’t wake her until 8, since she’s not getting out of bed before 8 anyway. The extra half hour of sleep could do wonders for her mood, and is currently just being wasted by having her wake up and doze in bed.
      I suspect her meanness is partly due to chronic sleep deprivation, and that would improve too if you fixed the sleep issue.

      • Redux says

        What time does she go to bed at night? Does she still take a nap? I tend to agree that it sounds like she needs more sleep. This is the age when a lot of kids drop their nap, so she may need to adjust for that loss of daytime sleep.

        • Anon in NYC says

          We have discussed an earlier bedtime, but I’m just not sure that it’s feasible. We are in her room by 8pm, she’s in her bed by 8:30, and often times she lays there awake for another 30-45 minutes. It would be really hard, from a life standpoint, for us to get her in her room much earlier than 7:45. She has (in the past 3-4 months) basically completely dropped her nap. She will occasionally nap at school but she doesn’t nap on weekends anymore.

          In terms of letting her sleep in, I wouldn’t mind that so much, but in September she goes to pre-K, and I think we’ll have to be out the door by 8:15. Maybe at that age, though, she’ll be able to handle it.

          • HSAL says

            September is so far away in kid-years. Let her sleep in if it’s possible.

          • AwayEmily says

            In this situation I would probably make a really concerted effort to try and push the time she goes to sleep to earlier, which will likely involve reprogramming her a bit (right now her internal clock is set to put her to sleep at 9, and I’m sure the recent time change didn’t help).

            In order to reprogram her sleep time I’d do something like the following (and with all the caveats that you know your kid best and maybe none of this would work for you/her!):
            – Make sure her room is dark (blackout curtains, etc)
            – Starting on a Friday and continuing on Saturday and Sunday, get her as physically tired as possible during the day and spend lots of time outside, and get her into bed with the lights off by 7:45. For us that would mean visiting the trampoline park, playgrounds, and maybe some soccer.
            – have some discussions with her about strategies for falling asleep — one thing that works with mine is giving her specific things to think about (like a story we read, or an upcoming event).

            Basically the goal would be to reset her internal clock so she can be asleep by 8:15, because I agree with everyone that it sounds like she’s a bit overtired.

          • Anon in NYC says

            Interesting. I’ve been thinking for a while that she needs more sleep, but I wasn’t sure how to get her to actually sleep more. I’ll talk to my husband about moving her bedtime a little earlier and also letting her sleep a little later.

      • Wow says

        + 1
        She needs more sleep. My 4 year old is asleep by 8:15 pm and wakes up (naturally) around 7:30 am. If you can’t let her sleep in, she needs to go to bed earlier. Skip a bath or a book if you need to, but I would try actually physically putting her in bed under the covers by 7:45 pm. Even if she is tossing and turning at first, she’ll probably be asleep by 8:30 pm. And no sweets/sugar before bed obviously.

    • Pigpen's Mama says

      For the first part — almost four year olds and four year olds are jerks. My husband and I would regularly get fired by our daughter right before and right after she turned four, and still get it occasionally. She just turned 4.5 and I see that it’s getting better. Same with her friends at school — so many “you’re not invited to my party” threats when they were older 3s and younger 4s. I was disinvited to my daugther’s birthday party several times, but at the same time, she’d be very upset about a friend saying the same thing to her — even if we had just gone to the friend’s party two weeks before. I think the best approach is to do what you’re doing, and if she comes home with complaints about friends saying the same thing, make it a teaching moment to say something like “see how that hurt, you don’t want to use words that would hurt your friends.” No idea if it works, or if it’s just something they grow out of. Good luck and try not to take it personally!

      Second part — would an incentive to watch TV once she’s dressed and eaten if there’s enough time before you leave be something you’d be comfortable with/would work? Or have her sleep in her clothes for the next day?

      • So Anon says

        +1 to 4 year olds being jerks. My daughter would act similarly. I found a “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and then go about my business to be the best response.
        For the second challenge, what about a sticker chart (aka bribery). Three days of getting herself dressed equals a treat (small toy), something for her bedroom or a special experience (donuts for breakfast on a weekday or something like that)? I started using the “reward system” with my daughter when she was 4, and it worked. I would make whatever she is working towards very concrete (i.e. “good behavior” in the morning is too vague — putting on clothes by herself that you both picked out the night before — works), and the reward time frame very small – a few days. We even went so far as to go to Target and the donut shop, and look at the rewards we were working towards before we started.

        • Anonymous says

          +1 to 4 your olds being constitutionally jerks. It’s like their job in life.
          This would probably introduce its own challenges but we do allow screentime on weekday mornings, ONLY after son has had breakfast and gotten dressed (and done whatever chores he needs to do, which has changed over time). If you do this I would us the TV so there is a show with a defined endpoint to make turning off battles easier.

          • So Anon says

            My five year old continues to argue over what constitutes one “show.” What about the two part My Little Pony episodes? What about shows where there are two episodes within a single 30 minute period (i.e. Vampirina)? I have found five year olds not to be as much of jerks, but the capacity to argue and use their logic can be exhausting. She would give some of my opposing counsel a run for their money!

      • Anon says

        I have a disagree that four year olds are “jerks.” Twos are not terrible, threes are not teenagers, and fours are not jerks. Yes they can have moments (sometimes many moments) of acting out and being frustrating and trying our patience, but if that is their dominant demeanor then something is wrong and their needs aren’t being met, causing them to feel insecure and act out. More sleep? Better nutrition? More connection time with parents, more down time for introverts, different childcare solution? Yes I want to pull my hair out with my kids several times a day, but I would say they are generally funny, pleasant, sweet kids. (Name-calling of children gets to me, just like putting down any other group of people would…)

        • Anon says

          This. I’m kind of horrified by how much many people here seem to hate their children. Are kids exhausting and frustrating at times? OF COURSE. But I would never describe them as jerks.

          • Anon in NYC says

            I obviously don’t hate my child. Is she going through a tough phase right now? Yes. Is she acting like a huge jerk by yelling at me and my husband constantly as we attempt to care for her and accommodate her needs and desires? Yes. Do I think that she’ll act like this forever? No. Is this most likely developmentally normal and/or caused by environmental factors like a lack of sleep? Maybe yes. I think we can recognize those things while still loving our kids, and also seeking advice/suggestions from parents who have been there.

          • Pigpen's Mama says

            +1, fine, she acts like a jerk. Just to reiterate all the other posters, I don’t hate my kid, 99% of the time, I find her “jerk” behavior funny when directed at me (although I dare not laugh as to encourage it/frustrate her more), bothersome and frustrating when directed to her dad or sister, and embarrasing when directed to other people.

            I also realize it’s developmentally normal, and sure, maybe if I was a better mom and my husband was a better dad and we actually had family around and less stressful jobs, we’d be able to minimize the external factors that result in jerky behavior, but that’s not happening.

            So instead, I’m going to commiserate with other moms who feel the same way and tell them how my kid sounds like she’s been binge watching The Apprentice and has fired all her family members, so the other mom doesn’t feel so freaking alone and panicky about her kid’s behavior. (note, my child does not actually watch The Apprentice, I may have lax screen time rules, but they aren’t that bad).

          • So Anon says

            +1. Love my kids to the end of the world; there is no hate. Specific behaviors can be challenging.

      • Anon says

        My three year old is like this. Seriously, recent gems have included, “I want to die,” “I want to kill you,” (I think/hope she is hazy on the death concept) and “I don’t love you. I love Daddy” (she’ll then turn around and say the same thing to Daddy when she’s unhappy with him.” I usually respond by reframing, such as, “it sounds like you are feeling angry,” or “it sounds like you really didn’t want me to brush your teeth, even though it is time.” I also may throw in a “that hurts my feelings.” Sometimes, if appropriate, I will also echo what she is saying in a polite way (for example, DH comes into the bathroom to brush his teeth while I’m doing DD’s hair. She says to him, “Go away. I don’t want you.” I say, “Daddy, may I please have some time alone with Mommy?” Sometimes she repeats it and once or twice she has actually used the language on her own.

        I also try hard not to take it personally or give a big reaction, which I think is what she is looking for. Once she’s over it, I usually remind her that I love her even when I’m mad.

        I get some of this from Janet Lansbury’s podcasts/articles, which I find helpful even though I find her tone to be condescending, annoying, and guilt-inducing.

        As an aside, I don’t take the comment that 4 yos are jerks to indicate that people hate their children. It’s shorthand for the fact that making these sorts of statements (that would be incredibly hurtful and inappropriate for an adult) is developmentally appropriate for a 4 yo and should not be taken personally.

    • westernisland says

      I definitely had to make my oldest sleep in his clothes for the next day for over a year when he was younger. It removed a lot of morning stress and tension.

    • Anonymous says

      One of my kids is like this. What worked for us was a sunlight alarm 15 mins before the latest possible time she could get up- 7:45am. This meant she wasn’t as groggy when we went into get her at 8am. Then DH or I carried her downstairs to the kitchen table and stick a straw juice box in her mouth. I’m usually super anti-juice so the sugar rush perked her up. We got ourselves ready before waking her so we just had to feed her and dress her before leaving. I unload the dishwasher while she eats breakfast.

      We were able to ease off around age 5 but she still has a really hard time waking up in the mornings but I do as well so I think there may be a genetic element as my other two don’t have the same problem.

      • Anonn says

        Our oldest is also a deep, late sleeper and doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. We’ve made consistent expectations and have time intervals that we expect to be met in the morning. Left to her own devices, she’d happily sleep in til 8 or 8:30 every day.

        7 am – alarm goes off in our room. Hubby fetches 4 year old from her bed and brings her to snuggle with me for 10 minutes. During snuggle time, our lights are on a dimmer, but on.
        7:10 am – snooze “snuggle” alarm goes off. Mommy gets out of bed to use the bathroom and turns the lights on ALL THE WAY. Then it’s 4 yo’s turn. We carry 4 yo to bathroom. She then groggily takes care of that herself. Clothes are set out already (she picked them or we did night before). She switches from pull up to underwear to and stays in her pajamas for breakfast. Must go downstairs for breakfast by 7:30. (LOTS of praise if she gets down there earlier or beats little brother to the table.)
        7:30 – eats big breakfast (1-2 pieces of toast, cereal with milk, fresh fruit, juice)
        7:45-7:50 – back upstairs to change into day clothes, brush teeth and hair. (If she manages to speed up the schedule between 7:10 and 7:50, any bonus time she creates she gets to play before we leave).
        8-8:10 – shoes, coat, out the door.

        I joke that she is someone who, as an adult, will be a “don’t-talk-to-me-before-I’ve-had-my-coffee” person. But since you can’t give a 4 year old coffee, she gets her 10-15 minutes of sitting groggily in the bathroom where everyone leaves her alone. She perks up as soon as she is ready to go downstairs for breakfast. If we need to get out the door a little earlier, we move everything up by 10 minutes and tell her that we’re getting up early and being good helpers to get out the door because X today (i.e., daddy has an early meeting, she has a field trip, etc.) On particularly tired days, she also responds well to friendly competition (who do you think will be faster – you going to the bathroom, flush and wash and be ready to go downstairs, or me in the shower? can you beat me?)

    • Anonymous says

      On themeanness front- some of it is really just not knowing how to say what they mean. My 4 year old told me he hated me last night after I required him to take off his own pants to get ready for bed. After a cooling off period we were able to discuss it, and he went from “I hate you” to “I don’t like you- that’s a nicer way to say it, right?” To what he actually meant, “you say things I don’t like” (such as “you need to take off your own pants”).

      For him anyway, he often eats a small dinner and then is really cranky at wake up. We bring him milk in bed. After milk he’s a little better. Also moving bedtime 15 min earlier helped. Lights out is now 7:10, asleep 7:20-7:30, and he wakes around 7 (sometimes 6:30 to use bathroom).

      • Anon in NYC says

        I do think some of the meanness is just her being imprecise with her words – obviously totally understandable…. she’s not quite 4! I agree that a lot of it is that she doesn’t like the things that we tell her to do – like brush her teeth, dress herself, that she can’t have 6 pieces of chocolate, etc.

    • Anonymous says

      I have several kids that have had one or all of your daugter’s Issues. In your shoes, I would:

      1. Put her to sleep in her day clothes. When she gets up in the AM, she can put clean underwear on when she goes to the bathroom but she’s already dressed.

      2. Have her choose the outfits (either over the weekend or as she’s getting into it at night)

      3. Give her a yogurt tube/applesauce upon waking. Give her a waffle or dry cereal or a bar to eat on the way to daycare.

      4. Let her sleep as long as possible. Do not wake the bear. She can brush teeth and hair at school.

      5. Cut out weekend screen time and see if that does anything.

  6. Cb says

    My very verbal 19 month old has been smacking himself in the head in frustration and it’s so unsettling. Any book recs for toddler feelings? We have Mr Panda’s Feelings but Mr Panda is annoying!
    He’s a sensitive little soul – my husband bumped his head 3 days ago and my son is still trying to kiss and cuddle it better. Reading ‘Are you my mother?’ is an emotional experience – he whimpers when the baby bird is calling for his mother and says talks about them cuddling and being happy at the end so I’m hoping books might help.

    • rosie says

      Sandra Boynton’s What’s Wrong Little Pookie is a hit lately with my 22-month old. It’s a parent saying what’s wrong, then going over all the things (“are you tired? no” etc.) then getting to silly things, then Pookie forgets what’s wrong. I think it normalizes that sometimes we’re sad but have trouble figuring out what we need to feel better, and talking about it and getting a hug can help.

    • AM says

      We have a couple cute books that might help… “How are you Peeling? Foods with Moods” and “Today I feel Silly” by Jamie Lee Curtis. Good luck!

  7. So Anon says

    My soon-to-be-ex “forgot” about our son’s parent-teacher conference this morning. He claimed that he got locked out of his phone last week and lost his calendar. I’m not sure that’s even a thing, but even if it was true, it does not make it ok. Argh!
    Also, in the course of asking whether he was attending the parent-teacher conference, he mentioned that his school (he is an elem. school principal) has an event tomorrow night and do I think the kids want to go. (I have the kids tomorrow — well all the time except during the day every other Saturday and Sunday.) He has not called them or attempted any contact with the kids since he dropped them off on Sunday afternoon on the 10th. We agreed to at least 48 hours’ notice for schedule changes. The event is from 5:30-7:30 tomorrow night and bumps up against their bedtime (it is easily 30 minutes away). Tell me I’m not a giant jerk for sticking to my boundary — telling him that I need 48 hours’ notice for a schedule change?

    • Aly says

      Nope. Boundaries. You can just tell him that you agreed to 48 hours notice, so unfortunately, this time isn’t going to work. Simple.

    • anne-on says

      Nope, not a jerk, you have boundaries. I’d echo the neutral language above – sorry, as we agreed, I need 48 hours notice to change their schedules, and this will not work.

    • Lawyermom says

      Not a jerk. But if he hasn’t had any interaction with the kids since the 10th and if you feel the kids want to see their dad, then it may be good to bite the bullet and be the bigger person and let them go to the event. That way he can never say, well I tried and your mom said no.

      • Anonymous says

        Given what So Anon has posted before about the kids’ father, I disagree. In this situation consistency with boundaries seems necessary.

        • IHeartBacon says

          Yep, there have been a lot of 48 hour blocks between the 10th and now. If he wanted a schedule change to see them sooner than his regularly scheduled visit, he has (and has had) plenty of time to ask. Boundaries seem key in dealing with him. Good luck, So Anon!

      • So Anon says

        With him, unfortunately, being the bigger person, I think is holding the boundary and saying no. The more I’ve thought about it, I’ve spent years with him pushing boundaries and me letting him steam roll those boundaries in the interest of the kids, the relationship, his career, etc.

    • Anonymous says

      If I were you, I’d probably come up with an excuse to say no that isn’t the 48 hour notice requirement. I’ve kept up with your situation and know the kids’ father has issues. And I’d want to say no, too. But I’d be really, really concerned about karma. I’ve just seen lots of co-parents fight about stuff like this in the beginning, and kids suffer. And what goes around comes around. I’d lie and say we already had plans but then follow through with something so that the kids don’t tell him you all were just home all night.

      Also, regarding the not attempting contact since he dropped them off on the 10th, is he allowed contact between visits? Is this fair to hold against him?

      BTW, this is all meant gently, and I’m on your side. Just playing devil’s advocate a bit.

      • So Anon says

        I appreciate all of the comments. I am going to hold the boundary; disregard of any and all boundaries is par for the course for him. I think it will benefit the kids. I think if they ask, I will say, “Mommy and Daddy agreed to certain rules about changes to the schedule, and Mommy held the rules.”
        If karma is at issue here, I am 100% ok with where my karma stands. See him skipping out on parent-teacher conference (today), “accidentally” using my checking account to pay 3K towards his credit card bill (last week — checking account is now closed), posturing harm to himself to manipulate me to have a garden party with him, getting drunk on a weeknight at a work event, etc.
        It is written in our Parenting Agreement that there shall be free access to communicate with the other parent. Prior to him moving out, we discussed him facetiming the kids on Thursday evenings, and on the weekends. He has not attempted to call them.

        • Anon in NYC says

          Ooooooof yeah. There may be occasions to compromise on strict compliance with a parenting agreement but this doesn’t sound like one of those times. This event seems like it would be a huge inconvenience to you/your kids, could affect their sleep, could affect the following day for all of you, etc. And, he’s the principal of the school so he’s known about the event for ages. He can’t drop it on you last minute and except you to turn your life / the kids lives inside out for it.

      • So Anon says

        Comment stuck in moderation, so let me try this again: I’m going to stick to the boundary. Holding the boundary is what is right for me, the kids and for him.
        He has shown, continuing since the separation, that his behaviors are impulsive and irresponsible (skipping the parent teacher conference, “accidentally” paying three thousand towards his credit card with my account, which I have closed since that time). Boundaries are important for me going forward.
        It is written into our Parenting Agreement that there is free access to communication with the other parent, and we talked about it. We talked about him calling the kids every Thursday and on the weekends he doesn’t see them. He hasn’t tried to call.

        • Anonymous says

          Ok. But you asked. And she just you a different but very thoughtful perspective.

          • Anon says

            +1. I’m not sure what the point of asking for advice is if you’re going to push back on any advice that isn’t exactly what you want to hear.

          • So Anon says

            I wasn’t trying to be snarky. I honestly appreciate the comments because they do cause me to stop, think and reconsider my motivations/where I am coming from. If I came across as defensive, that was not my intent.
            To the bottom of my heart, I wish that this situation were different. I wish that we could easily give and take. Coming to grips with this reality isn’t easy.

  8. gtf to sleep says

    I need sleep advice. My almost 4 year old developed some really difficult sleep habits right around the time she turned three. We have perpetuated the problem, I’m sure, after trying for months to teach her good sleep habits and getting nowhere. She will not stay in her room. It takes her forever to fall asleep and we have to lay with her until she does. She usually comes to our bed in the middle of the night. If not, she is definitely up and in our room by 5:30. I have tried everything short of locking her in her room at night, which I do not want to do. We made very small incremental steps over a period of months prior to the holidays and then our holiday traveling set us back to square one. I finally decided that this is a phase and she will outgrow it and not be sleeping with us forever. The problem now is that while her sleeping in our bed does not effect me, it does keep my husband awake. After three nights in a row of her being in a bed most of the night, he tells me this morning that we need to start sleep training her again. Taking her back to her bed every time, not laying with her until she falls asleep, etc. I totally agree in theory but I know how much work it took to try and do this before the holidays and I’m not ready to go back there again. I’m getting just enough rest to function right now as it is. Telling husband to go sleep upstairs when she keeps him up doesn’t seem like a solution either.
    Any anecdotes or tips from those who have been there would be greatly appreciated. We’ve tried night lights, stuffed animals, sound and light machines, ok to wake clock, bribes with candy, bribes with toys, silently walking her back to bed every time she gets up, completely ignoring her when she leaves her bedroom, locking our bedroom door, making her a separate place to sleep on the floor of our bedroom.

    • Anonymous says

      If you are willing to let her sleep with you but your husband isn’t, let him decide whether he wants to handle the sleep training himself or sleep elsewhere. It is cruel to expect him to sleep in a place where he is constantly being disturbed.

      • gtf to sleep says

        Yes, I think this is my issue. I definitely don’t expect him to sleep with us if she is keeping him up, but I’m not willing to sign up for an hours long nightly sleep training session for weeks on end again (which is how it went the last time). If I were in his shoes, I’d just relocate to another bed (we have two other options) if she was keeping me up. I suppose that’s really what I am polling for – is it unreasonable for me to say – Husband, if you want to take on the sleep training, go for it, but I just can’t do it again.

        • Anonymous says

          Your original post says that telling him to go sleep upstairs isn’t a solution, but I think it totally is. He has two obvious options here: he sleep trains her himself (possibly while you sleep upstairs!), or he sleeps upstairs.

        • Anonymous says

          I think it’s fine for you to say he needs to take the lead on sleep training, as long as you don’t undermine him (ie sneak the child into your bed, sneak into the child’s room to help her fall asleep, etc.). I think it’s also fine to say that he can sleep elsewhere, as long as you’re prepared for him to tell you that you can sleep elsewhere with the child!

          • gtf to sleep says

            Thank you. I think I will start here. I’m willing to switch beds too and would definitely support him if wants to take the lead.

    • EB0220 says

      Here is my opinion, FWIW: As important as your child is, your marriage is also important. Since it’s an issue for him, it’s an issue for the whole family. If I were in this position (and I have been, on different issues), I would talk about a timeline and a plan to tackle this as a team. Maybe he doesn’t need this to happen ASAP, but he just needs to feel that there is an end in sight. That is my philosophy, learned through some painful protracted fights.

      My 4 year old is fine once she’s actually asleep but has historically been terrible at falling asleep. Here’s what has helped us:

      #1 Is she still napping? Is it possible to cut the nap? #2 Does her room have blackout curtains? That really helped my kid. #3 Be Boring: We always used to lecture our kid about staying in bed every time she got up. Now we just walk her back to bed, tuck her in, give her a kiss and leave with zero talking, no eye contact and no facial expression. #4 Extreme Consistency: You and your husband must be totally consistent and the rules must never change. We never ever let the kids sleep in our bed, so they don’t even try. Once or twice a year they get a special night to sleep on our floor. #5 I really like the sleep lady shuffle for sleep training. It is painful for the first week but much easier after that. #6 Super quick lights-out routine: I used to sit with my 4 year old, maybe read a little, talk, sing, scratch backs etc etc after she got in bed. She was usually up 2-3 times before falling asleep. Then I noticed that the kids NEVER got up when my husband did his 2 second tuck-in and kiss bedtime routine. So now I do that and it’s totally solved the random wandering.

      I’m not sure this is helpful but hey…you never know when something random might help. Good luck!

      • EB0220 says

        Oh darn, you tried the silent thing! That has been magical for us. Sorry it didn’t work well for you!

        • gtf to sleep says

          Thank you for your ideas – I am always looking for some random tip we haven’t tried. I really mean it when I say we’ve tried everything short of locking in her room. We have always been big on healthy sleep habits, but she’s really thrown us a curveball. We’ve always been big on consistent bedtimes, naptimes, etc. and we did not have these issues with my first child. Part of the problem does have to do with napping and I feel like that will resolve itself eventually. She does not nap on the weekends – she still needs it but she fights it so hard, it’s not worth it. The silver lining is that she is much easier to put to bed and usually sleeps in her bed all night. She does nap at daycare – the entire daycare naps – so there isn’t really a way to prevent a nap there. If she wanted to lie awake quietly there she could, but once everyone else is going to sleep and it’s dark, she sleeps too – it’s a peer pressure nap.

          • EB0220 says

            Sounds like you’re doing the right things! Oh here’s another random idea – my 4 year old’s room is really cold so one night I piled a bunch of blankets on her and she slept perfectly. I think she likes the weight. Maybe worth a try? Also, I don’t know if you’ve tried this, but I’ve also told her she doesn’t have to sleep as long as she stays in her room. That seems to work well too. Who knows what’s going on in their heads? My kid is the same w naps and I figure it will resolve itself when she starts K.

    • Anonymous says

      I also think if it’s not working for your husband then it’s not working for your family. Essentially you are willing to let your daughter kick your husband out of his bed. I soooo did not want to sleep train our toddler, but it was taking a toll on my sanity and our marriage and I finally realized that a mean resentful mommy wasn’t good for anyone in our family. Moral of the story is you both need to sleep train her again. Trade off nights or getting up. And be consistent – don’t ever ever let her sleep in your bed. Our pediatrician also gave us the advice that sleeping on the floor of mommy and daddy’s room can be a fun treat, especially if one parent is out of town. This may be a phase but I know people who have 7 year olds sleeping in their bed multiple times a week (and are grumpy about it) because they weren’t firm at a younger age.

    • Two Cents says

      This sounds so tough. You say you have tried everything, but have you actually spoken to a sleep consultant? I’m a broken record, but I highly recommend a phone consult with Dr. Erin Evans of Baby Sleep Science (no affiliation, I swear). We had some sleep issues when my kids were younger and she has a very clinical but non judgmental approach to sleep problems. I have probably used her about 5 times and each time her techniques have worked.
      Since you have tried everything else, maybe it’s worth a shot?

      • gtf to sleep says

        Thanks for the rec! I’m certain there are no sleep consultants near me, and I had forgotten that a phone consult may be an option.

  9. Sleep says

    The comment above about kids who hate mornings got me wondering… Do most people not have to wake their kids up to go to daycare? Is that just because you have magically short commutes?

    We have to be out the door at 7:15 so wake our 2-year-old up at 6:50. On a rare occasion she’ll already be awake, but usually it’s a struggle to get her awake, dressed and downstairs, though she generally perks up at breakfast. Bedtime is between 6 and 6:30 (depending on daycare naps) and she falls asleep right away but I really can’t see any way to get her more than 12.5 hours of sleep on a weeknight.

    • Cb says

      We have to leave at 7:15 but my toddler typically wakes up when he hears the cat start whining and my husband in the shower, so he’s up by 6:15 and we spend a few minutes cuddling and reading books in the am. It’s rare that he sleeps through this. This is great for nursery days but stinks for my weekly day off with him – nothing toddler friendly is open until 10 and it’s a long time to kill. Now that tit is getting lighter, we’ll probably head to the play park first thing.

    • Anon says

      My toddler has always been a late sleeper, and naturally wakes up between 8 and 9, usually around 8:30. It’s a big reason why we chose to keep our nanny vs putting her in daycare at age 1 as originally planned (not being ready to drop to 1 nap was another significant factor). To get to my office by 9 with a daycare drop, we’d have to leave by 8:30, probably closer to 8:15, and I imagine we would need at least 15-20 minutes to get her ready, so it would involve waking her most, if not all, days. Young kids should be waking easily, if not entirely naturally. Teenagers are one thing, but if you’re having to drag a preschooler out of bed, they need more sleep. Americans have accepted chronic sleep deprivation as a way of life, and rely on alarm clocks and repeatedly hitting the snooze button, but that’s not healthy, and it’s really really not healthy for kids. There’s tons of interesting research about this, but chronic sleep deprivation is linked to all sorts of health and developmental problems. Moving school start times even 15 or 30 minutes later has led to huge jumps in test scores because even the tiny bit of extra sleep makes kids so much more focused and able to learn. Our public schools start at 7:30, which is so early, so I want my daughter to get as much sleep as she possibly can before we have to conform to a public school schedule. (Fwiw, my ped shares my obsession with sleep and told me that more sleep is always her first recommendation for any kind of behavioral issue).

      • Anonymous says

        Ok that’s nice and all but I need my kid in daycare so I do what I can. So sanctimonious. I’m not abusing my child here.

        • Anon says

          Yikes. She is sharing her experience and opinion because somebody asked a question. She is not personally attacking you. It is a medical fact that getting enough sleep is critical for children, and it is a good ideal for parents to strive for. Make it work for your family. OP has found a way to prioritize this for her family and I give her major kudos. And I happen to agree with her that we should adapt our schedules as much as possible to meet the real needs of our kids. If your situation is different, then take what works and scroll on!

      • Wow says

        I really wish public schools didn’t start so early. Ours starts at 8:30 am which is “late” evidently, but my nephew’s school starts at 7:30 am. And nephew goes to bed at 10 am, so he is chronically sleep deprived.

    • Redux says

      My kids (ages 2 and 5) get 11 hours at night and 2 hours at naptime. I would love for them to get more at night, but my long commute means we don’t even eat dinner until around 6:30. How do you manage a 6pm bedtime? What time do you get home?

      • OP says

        We don’t do family dinner, which is probably the saving grace here. We also only do baths on the weekends.

        Home around 5, toddler dinner at 5:10 (leftovers from the night before). Depending on how long dinner takes or what time we’re doing bed we either play downstairs for a bit or go right upstairs, with the goal of heading up 15 minutes before bedtime. Our bedtime routine is quick: pjs and clean diaper, brush teeth, one book, and into the crib.

    • CPA Lady says

      I do have a magically short commute but my kid has always been early to bed and early to rise. Her “natural” body clock as a baby and young toddler was to go to bed around 5:45-6:00 pm and awake 12 hours later. It was a blessing and a curse. Now that she’s older we start bedtime around 7 and she goes to bed at 7:30 and wakes up by 6:30 most mornings. She has slept past 8 a.m. probably fewer than five times ever in her entire life (I could not tell you the last time it happened) and only when she’s sick and feverish.

      So… no, I’ve never woken her up for school. She tends to sprint through the house at 6:30 a.m. READY TO GREET THE NEW DAY!!!!! each morning. It … is a lot. I’ve gotten to the point where I set my own alarm at 6:20 just so I can have a few minutes to orient myself to the new day before I have a little girl launching herself into my bed talking a million miles per hour.

      • Anonymous says

        I do have to wake my 4 and 6 year olds up most days. We need to leave NLT 8 (preferably earlier) and if they’re not up by 7:15 I wake them up. Their bedtime is 8:00, and the 4 yo still usually naps at daycare. If they stay up til 10+ and are tired in the morning, that’s on them. My 2 yo wakes up at 7 every day.

      • anne-on says

        Yeah, this is my kid. He’ll sometimes stay up late but literally has never ever in his entire life slept past 7:45am aside from daylight savings times or extreme illness. Thank god my husband is an early riser because I am just not a good morning person, like, at all.

    • Anon says

      My toddler is late to bed (10PM) and late to rise (8-9am). If we took her to daycare, we would have to do major schedule shifting. As it is, I go into work late (10:30), my husband stays home with her and we let her wake naturally unless there is something unusual (a trip, a doctor’s appointment, etc.). We will have to do major schedule shifting once she’s ready for pre-school because they start so darn early, but we still have another year plus to go on that.

    • FVNC says

      Heh, and conversely, I do not understand the concept of having to wake up a kid. Toddler is awake between 6 and 6:15 every morning, and kindergartner is awake sometime before her 6:30 ok to wake clock, as her feet hit the floor at 6:30:01 every day.

    • Legally Brunette says

      I have adjusted my work schedule to arrive later and leave later. So my kids wake up on their own between 7:30-7:45 am, and we don’t leave the house until 9 am. Breakfast is our meal of the day together, and that takes about 30 minutes. I’m in the office by 9:45 am. Our sitter picks them up from school and feeds them dinner by 6 pm. I get home closer to 7 pm. So I miss dinner, but I get breakfast time with them and they get to sleep in. I also personally enjoy having breakfast with them much more so than dinner. I like starting the morning more leisurely and I enjoy fixing them a hot meal. By dinner, they are tired and can be a little cranky so I don’t mind the sitter doing the dinner routine.

    • Sleep deprived mom says

      As a mother of two young kids who think 5:30 am is morning, this question is frustrating. It doesn’t even occur to some parents that some kids are very early risers?

  10. Anonymous says

    Does anyone have a “daddy purse” that is not a diaper bag that they like? Prepping my husband for a trip with our 4 and 7 year old and thinking of all the stuff I carry normally in my purse that my husband won’t have. A small backpack? Crossbody? Hmmn.

    • Anon says

      I use a backpack instead of a purse when traveling with kids because it’s so much easier to have my hands free.

    • anon says

      This is easy :) — a backpack! He can even choose himself. Special pockets aren’t necessary, just a place for him to stash things.

    • Cb says

      I use a lightweight canvas backpack (Fjallraven) for all my kiddo needs. I really prefer having my hands free.

    • Anonymous says

      His own Backpack and/or I send Dad with the kids’ backpacks (Mine are 3 and 6 and each have a backpack they can carry). So sometimes they go out for the day and Dad has a sparkly mermaid backpack slung over his shoulder. #girldad.

      He wouldn’t use a crossbody bag.

    • Anonymous says

      Literally what? Are you his mommy? He is a grown man who can figure this out.

    • GCA says

      Eh, this is the sort of thing I leave my husband to figure out on his own. Oops, caught out without kleenex? He can use his sleeve and never forget kleenex again. (Actually, he figured this out within about a year of having our first child. Once kid 1 was no longer in diapers it was a question of carrying around, like, a handkerchief and a mini pack of wet wipes and maybe a granola bar. Are you carrying too much in your purse?)

    • Anon says

      My husband has a “man purse” as we tend to call it that my mom got him for Christmas a few years ago that he carries all the time when we travel. With the toddler, he carries a black nylon zip top tote bag as his diaper bag, but for the other random accoutrements (phones, so he can have his hands free and not worry about pockets, sunglasses, chapstick, camera, headphones, etc.) he uses a kenneth cole reaction I think messenger bag. It has a 2 inch gusset and sometimes he claims that it is too small for all the things, but he isn’t willing to go bigger. Will try to find and post below.

      • Anon says

        I was wrong, his is Ted Baker, and the closest approximation is the Edds messenger bag, but his is nylon from a couple of years ago, not whatever fabric the current version is. Note that the gusset is wider at the bottom than the top, which is the true size limiter for him.

    • anon says

      This is why we bought a backpack as our diaper bag. But he could also use a reusable shopping bag.

  11. My kid is a jerk, also. says

    My 3 year old is such a jerk. I’m not really asking for anything specific here, other than perhaps to weigh in re: if she/we need therapy or just to hang on. As background, I have 2 other kids (one older, one younger) and what I’m going through with my middle is just so far from either of them–and has been since she was born. My other kids are annoying and trying and difficult at times, but always within the level of “able to manage.” I’ve on more than one occasion considered sending this one to live with my mom for a week just to…breathe.

    She has always been a crap sleeper, but not just the lack of sleep–when she’s not sleeping, she screams/shrieks/yells. It’s not *quite* a tantrum, but very close. She’s only 75% awake/rational (and that’s 3-year-old rational, not Real Human Rational) but she’ll do things like wake up at 3am, start yelling for us until someone gets her (she can get out of bed, but she doesn’t), then complain-cry for HOURS. Yesterday at 3am she was up scream-shouting that her foot hurt. We took her to the bathroom and brought her to our room to snuggle in/shut her up. She’s in bed between me and DH. “MY FOOOOOT HURTSSSS” “Here, let me kiss it better.” “NO! (kicks me in the face)” “Would you like me to rub it?” “NO! MY FOOT HURTS! (top of lungs screaming)” “That sounds hard. Come snuggle in.” “MY FOOT HURTS (top of lungs screaming).” “I love you, how can I help?” “MY FOOT HURTS top of lungs screaming”. This went on for nearly an hour. At some point our 1 year old woke up crying so I went to deal with her and let the screaming continue (now it was “MY FOOT HURTS. I WANT MAMA.”). I finally get back. DH has tried giving her water, food, snuggles, putting her back into her own bed, ignoring her, and a million other things.

    During the day, she is Sass Factor 10 and has similar behavior. She will yell louder when she gets an answer she doesn’t like. She has a nasty temper. (Example: 11:50am: “(whining) Mom, I’m hungryyyyyyyyyy” “oh, good. It’s lunch time.” “NO! I WANT A SNACKKKKY.” “I hear you that you want a snack. You can have a snack after lunch! Let’s go get lunch.” “NO! I WANT A SNACKKKKY.” “It’s lunch time. Let’s go get lunch. Do you want to help make it?” “NO! (stomps foot, throws toy she is holding, etc) I WANT A SNACKYYY. (hits me)”

    When the entire rest of the house is asleep but she is up, she yells at the top of her lungs. We ask her to use her quiet voice, her small voice, her inside voice, and it just does not go through.

    I’ve asked the doctor about this before–but there’s no specific behavior. Just “doesn’t have any kind of sense of respect for me or DH and does what she g-damn pleases.” We don’t spoil her. We try hard to give her solo attention (FWIW she was like this since she was an infant–she was a nonstop screamer and was just…never happy…despite what we did. She didn’t have any physical issues). She acts like a normal person at daycare, and they laugh at me when I describe what she does at home saying she must have an evil twin.

    We’ve had her hearing checked because she straight up doesn’t listen sometimes in a way that made me think she couldn’t hear us. She’ll ask a question, we’ll answer, and she’ll just ask it again and again. “I want to go outside.” “Okay, let’s get your boots.” “I want to go outside.” “Okay, let’s go! Find your boots” “I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE.” “[name], did you hear what I just said? Let’s get your boots! (standing up)” “I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!”

    40% of the time, she’s a sweet girl. But she has this dark side that is just…nasty. My other kids have such a different temperament that I can’t tease out if Some Kids Are Jerks Until They Are Older or if there’s something to be concerned about here. An additional factor is that she’s apparently extremely off the charts intelligent per her daycare teachers and physician. We haven’t tested her on any kind of scale, but part of me wonders if she’s just Grade A screwing with us.

    • Anon says

      This sounds terrible. I will say that for friends of ours who had a similar level of behavior (also very bright) putting her in karate classes (I think they started them around age 4 or 5, not sure how young they start) helped a lot with the respect piece (she enjoyed them and the instructor was very big on incorporating whether children were being respectful at home into class privileges, so it was an additional incentive outside the family unit). I think now at 6 they also recently got her tested for ADHD or something similar and it came back positive (which explained the high energy levels and inability to focus and self-regulate), which I think allowed them to get a structured plan with the school and possibly medication (which I think was helping, but I haven’t seem them recently due to back to back illnesses and travel by everyone).

      • OP says

        She does karate actually! It’s adorable.

        She won’t watch TV and has no interest in screens, so i did think ADHD, and mentioned it to the ped who basically said talk to daycare, see what she’s like there. And since she’s wa different person at daycare, ped didn’t think there was reason for concern.

        • Anonymous says

          If you need help dealing with her, you need help. Maybe nothing is wrong but perhaps there are things you could do to help maintain your sanity, you know? (Not judging – she sounds TOUGH and I am still recovering from a terrible morning with my own child). If she is screwing you, she’s doing it for a reason that can be explored. If the developmental pediatrician idea doesn’t work, what about a few sessions with a psychologist that works with adults and kids who can give you some ideas?

    • Anonymous says

      Have her seen by a developmental pediatrician. She may have ADHD or other developmental issue. One of the lawyers at my office recently found out that her kindergarten who is highly intelligent (taught himself to read chapter books at age 4), has ADHD. It’s been a game changer in how they interact with him and how he is doing at school. They haven’t had to do medication yet as he’s been responsive to some of the new strategies.

    • Anonymous says

      This sounds awful. Truly. I’m so sorry you’re going through it.

      My only child was a beast for a long time. A few things helped, and maybe one of these things will help you. 1- do this behavior right back to her. In your “i want to go outside” example above, jump in with her (importantly, have the SAME goal that she states): “NO, I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE MORE” and push her buttons until she comes up with a solution. You might find out she’s actually trying to complain about the weather, or that no one is playing with her, etc. etc.
      2- Give her responsibilities. In your “lunch” example above, start whining at her, “NO I AM HUNGRY WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME FOR LUNCH” and see what happens. She might surprise you. Or, she might feed both of you cookies.
      3- Start talking about the goal of her independence. I know, this one might not work for a long time, but start saying things like, “I have to teach you how to take care of yourself so You Do Not Need Help!” and “let me show you how to do this All By Yourself!” and, “My job is to take care of you, which means lunch before snacks! That STINKS. What can I do?!”
      4- she might be bored at home. (at my LO’s height of this, she took my phone and asked Siri “how do you read” and wanted Siri to teach her how to read.) Can you give her age appropriate puzzles with rewards? (Like completing 10 puzzles = cookie? or new toy?) Can you reframe activities into “challenges”? (Like, “ok our challenge is to eat healthy food first then treats, how do we do that?!”)
      It’s really so so difficult. I think the one thing I did that made the most impact was when I just broke down crying… which may not have been my finest parenting moment. Good luck!!!

    • Anonymous says

      She’s a three year old not evil. Talk to your doctor. Get a referral to a child psychologist. Off the charts intelligence often comes with communications struggles.

    • PinkKeyboard says

      This is probably not going to win me any parenting awards but I’m pretty sure I’m this same sort of personality and I bring an excessive level of feistiness to parenting. You want to repetitively yell about going outside? Continue that in your room while we go outside without you. You hit me? I’ll hit back. You are old enough to know better and we don’t spank so don’t hit me. You wake me up? I’ll slap a lock on your door and go back to bed. I have less than zero patience for nonsense.

      • Anon says

        “You hit me? I’ll hit back.” Ooof. This is at best super damaging and at worst abusive. I hope you know this isn’t ok and you’re working to get your anger under control.

      • Anonymous says

        Applying the same behavior standard to a child that you apply to yourself is nonsensicial and clearly demonstrates a complete lack of understanding about child development. It’s not ‘feistiness’, it’s a total lack of empathy for your child.

        • Anon says

          This. Children scream and cry and act out because their brains aren’t fully developed and they lack the ability to express themselves more appropriately. Holding a child to the same standards you hold yourself is absurd and cruel.

      • Anonymous says

        You need to watch a few episodes of Daniel Tiger and get yourself together. That’s some pretty poor quality parenting. You can be strict, firm, whatever but being angry at your child for being a little kid is not okay.

  12. Redux says

    For those of you with part-time nannies, how do you calculate their rate? We are considering hiring a part-time nanny — afterschool hours– for when our oldest starts Kinder in the fall. I am imagining that the nanny would be home for school bus drop-off around 3pm and stay until 6 or so, 5 days per week, totaling 15 hours per week. We have a 2-year old in full-day daycare, so might also have her pick him up and have both kids for that timeframe. What is the best comparator for setting a rate? We pay our babysitters around 15$ per hour (more for an adult) to give you a sense of what the market is like here. Is that the rate to use? More? Less? Or is there some other comparator I can use?

    • Anon says

      I’d expect to pay the same hourly rate that you would pay an adult babysitter. In my area, that’s $15 but it sounds like it would be a little more in your area. You can also ask nannies what they were paid at previous jobs, and make an offer accordingly.

      • Redux says

        I’m in NY where employers are prohibited from asking about wage history, but you are right that I should ask other folks with nannies. On the babysitting comparator: Is there a reason to deviate from this number since this is a regular part-time job as opposed to one-off babysitting? I would guarantee 15 hours/week in the hopes that this is a job someone sticks with, though I know its not the same as offering full time employement to a nanny.

        • Anon says

          Where I am, it’s harder to get someone for a 15 hour a week gig than for occasional babysitting. You also probably want someone a bit more qualified than an occasional babysitter. Here, you’d probably have to pay in line with full-time nanny rates, if not a bit more.

  13. anonanonanonforthis says

    Random poll for those that don’t mind participating – how often do you and your husband (or partner) garden?

    I’ll go first – typically 1-2x week. I’m pregnant and with all the fun hormones, right now it’s more like 2x-4x, this is an anomaly though even for pre-kids. Low point post-partum was 1x every 10 days or so, this is when baby was <4 months old. Husband says he's happy both ways, but I always wonder what's normal.

    • Anon says

      Pre-kid, 1-2x per week, usually more spontaneously. Post-kid, once/week, more scheduled. We didn’t attempt PIV gardening until the baby was 4 months old, and it took until about 8 or 9 months postpartum until it wasn’t painful for me. We also didn’t really garden during pregnancy, just a couple of times after the end of the first trimester. DH was really scared about hurting the baby and I have a lower drive and was fine skipping it in favor of cuddling/foot massage.

    • Anonymous says

      Yup we’re pretty much once a week, but a lot more while I’m pregnant (plus self-gardening…). I think the 3-4x a week internet articles say is such a lie. Also slow period until 6 months post-party’s when I got my period back. I’ve always talked to DH about this and he says he’s happy. Men’s testosterone gets lower when their partners are pregnant/have new baby. And it can get lower with age, but this can be prevented if they keep up with weight lifting and maintain muscle mass.

    • Anon says

      Pre-kids, maybe once a week. Pregnancy, maybe once a month (I vomited for most of the time and was nauseated around the clock, so just so not into it). Post-pregnancy, maybe once every other month until our colic ridden terrible sleeper finally figured out sleep around 18 months – we were just so darn tired. Now we’re TTC, but toddler is still very high energy, so it’s every other day for the week and a half in the middle of the month that we think is prime time (I’m not terribly regular), and then maybe once every other week other than that. I would prefer more but for DH sleep and cuddles generally wins out and frankly I’m tired too, and our toddler is unpredictable with napping and generally sleeps the same hours we do (and we’re not creative people, we’re old and boring and like our cushy bed). We talk about it and are both reasonably satisfied for this stage in our lives, recognizing that it’s a stage.

    • anon says

      embarrassed to admit, but for like the first 5 months postpartum with our twins we didn’t. we also didn’t for the later half of my pregnancy bc with twins i was just SO big and uncomfortable. i was also nauseous and threw up almost daily, so it was actually a pretty long period of time with almost nothing. i had a bad delivery, they weren’t sleeping through the night and i was just SO tired. now i would say about once a week, sometimes twice, sometimes once every 10 days. DH also travels some weeks for works or gets home late.

      • Anonymous says

        I don’t think you should be embarrassed! Marriage is long and this is a blip. We just had to go 6 weeks without because of placenta previa. And sex was really painful for me until 6 months postpartum because I had a scar they didn’t notice at my 6 week checkup. People get health problems or have life situations that don’t mesh with sex. I do think just mentioning it like “hey I know we haven’t done it lately but I still think you’re hot!” Is helpful.

    • Anonymous says

      1x/week…we have a toddler and an infant and honestly even getting to that 1x is tough sometimes. But for the last couple of months we’ve gone so far as to schedule it, so that we at least reach 1x/week. And, to combat stereotypes, I’ll add that this is not a case of DH wanting more and me being the hold up – if anything, sometimes it’s the opposite. We want to, we’re just tired.

    • Anonymous says

      currently about 1-2x/week. DH would probably prefer 2-3x/week. We’ve varied from 2x/day in the first couple years to going ten months after the twins were born without gardening. DH was very supportive postpartum because he knew how hard the twin pregnancy was for me and said that his drive is also lower when he’s stressed/exhausted. Running all the bases and not just playing ball when there’s a homerun possibility has been helpful in maintaining the connection during lower frequency periods.

    • NYCer says

      2-4 times per week average, sometimes more rarely less, both pre and post kids. Same frequency throughout most recent pregnancy until about 36 weeks (I delivered at 37.5).

      I’m 4 weeks post partum now and counting down the days!

    • Anon too says

      Almost never for the first year after kid #2…neither kid was sleeping through the night, BFing made me uncomfortably dry, and I generally wasn’t feeling all that affectionate toward husband. Our marriage suffered and after some frank talks and a session with a marriage counselor, our relationship is back on track and we now avg 1x/week, very occasionally 2x. Husband would definitely like more, and I’d like to get to the point where I also want more…but for now I don’t — so currently this is working for us.

    • anon says

      I’m off BC thanks to husband’s snip. If its the week around ov ul ation, we do it pretty much every day. Other weeks, 1x per week.

      • Anon says

        Are you gardening more at that time because you’re TTC? Or are you saying you just have a higher natural drive around ovulation time?

      • Anon says

        Different anon here, but I had my tubes tied and went off BC, and have been shocked at how much the week around ov makes me both want and enjoy it. I guess BC all that time was the right move for all the obvious reasons, but it does make me feel bad at having missed out on this through my 20’s and early 30’s.

    • AnonG says

      Realizing that I / we are outliers: pre-kids 6-10x/week, now after 2 kids 2-4 or 6-8x/week. It depends on the flow of things month to month, and we usually garden twice a day on Saturday and/or Sunday. (Mornings/naps/after kids bedtime, pick two of three). Netflix and chill is a lot different these days as it’s toddler shows.

    • OP says

      SO interesting thanks all! I think most of us are in 1x week camp. We’ve had talks recently about how my husband self gardens atleast every day or every other day, which is fine by me. I’d self garden every day too if I had the time and was alone enough, but often do not have the energy for PIV gardening more than 1-2x week. Do all guys self-garden regularly between the actual gardening with spouses/partners?

      Sorry this is so TMI and personal, but it’s hard to discuss this in real life, so I really appreciate everyone responding!!

      • Anonymous says

        Yes – I self garden at least weekly and I think he’s about the same. For me it’s different thing vs. sharing the experience with him.

      • Anon says

        “Do all guys self-garden regularly between the actual gardening with spouses/partners?”
        In my experience, yes, maybe not all but definitely most. I think self-gardening for men is less about s*xual satisfaction and more about releasing stress or nervous energy.

      • Anonymous says

        Yes I think most guys self-garden multiple times a week! I don’t get into too many details with my DH about it but that’s my impression from him. +1 about it being stress relief

      • Anon says

        Not necessarily – depends on your values as a couple. Our culture tells us it’s normal and anything else is weird and prudish, but my husband does not… there is a religion component, etc but to us it’s important that gardening is an experience we share, used to build up the relationship and not just for pleasure. So if it works for your marriage, great for you, but if you have any reservations or doubts, you should feel free to express them.

  14. Anon says

    Has anyone ever had their nanny stay overnight? How did you negotiate/calculate an overnight rate? We have one toddler who goes to sleep by 7 PM. I’m comfortable with paying some overtime but I also can’t comprehend (or really afford) paying hourly overtime simply for her to sleep at our house/watch Netflix for the 12 hours while toddler is asleep.

    • Anon says

      I think it’s federal law (FLSA) that if an hourly employee works more than 40 hours you have to pay time and a half for any hour over 40. Nannies are not exempt. So it’s not just a matter of negotiating (although I agree her normally hourly rate doesn’t make sense when she and the child will be asleep for most of it).

    • Redux says

      Yeah, it stings but her time is her time. Anon is right that the law says she has to be paid for every hour that she is working for you, even if that time is spent sleeping. Plus its the right thing to do.

    • Anonymous says

      Hourly rate for each hour the child is awake + $100 flat overnight rate for sleeping time. So $100 from 7-7 if that if your child’s sleeping schedule, then $20/hour from 7am – noon if that’s when you returned the next day. Even though I paid on the books including weekly overtime, I would do an overnight in cash, or else it would be a crazy rate.

      • SC says

        This is what our former nanny/now occasional babysitter charges for her overnight rate (although when she was a nanny, also OT for the hours Kiddo was awake). We haven’t had her stay overnight so far though.

    • Anonymous says

      I’m an employment lawyer. Start here: https://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/hrg.htm and then read about your state’s laws. Most states allow overtime to be calculated on a bi-weekly basis – hours actually worked over 80 in a 14-day period must be paid at the overtime rate. Some states have special provisions for sleep-in workers.

  15. AwayEmily says

    A comment above made me think of this — I know a lot of people on here are Janet Lansbury fans and I absolutely count myself among them. I think her approach is awesome. But she is just so *humorless.* Her podcasts, her blog — they always leave me vaguely sad and irritated, even though I also find them useful. Is this just me?

    • Anon says

      I’ve only read her books. I found them super useful and wasn’t bothered by her tone, but I totally get why someone who wrote a very helpful book could come off differently on a blog or podcast (especially the latter, since it’s so different from a book).

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