Are sweater vests back? Have they ever left? I’ve worn my fair share of sweater vests on and off over the years — they’re perfect for warmth without bulk.
This oversized version from Banana Republic is a fun update for a more casual office or even the weekend. It’s made from soft (and machine washable) 100% merino wool and has a high-low hem, ribbed stitch, and deep V-neck.
For a cool, late fall day, I’d pair it as pictured with a crisp button down shirt or sleek turtleneck.
Banana Republic’s Oversized Washable Merino Sweater Vest is $110 and available in navy (S–XL) and cream (S and XL only).
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
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We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Sales of Note…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
- Zappos – 28,000+ sale items (for women)! Check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kid shoe brands on sale.
Kid/Family Sales
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off kids’ camp styles; extra 50% off select sale
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off summer pajamas; up to 50% off all baby styles (semi-annual baby event!)
- Carter’s – Summer deals from $5; up to 60% off swim
- Old Navy – 30% off your order; kid/toddler/baby tees $4
- Target – Kids’ swim from $8; summer accessories from $10
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
Our family “adopted” an 8 year old girl for the holidays. I have an 8 year old girl and am pretty set for ideas, but I’d like thoughts on how to fulfill the ask for clothes. We were given her sizes and that she wants (needs?) “leggings and long sleeve tops.”
What would you buy? My 8 y/o has Clothing Preferences.
I was thinking of letting my kids choose stuff from target and providing a gift receipt. Are there other safe brands? What’s a good generic outfit for a girl this age?
(FWIW my kid is over unicorns, will wear jeans and jeggings, rocks high top style sneakers, rompers, and denim jackets. Her classmates are all over the place in terms of what they like- one friend wears her brother’s old clothes and hates pink. One looks like she walked out of the Nordstrom juniors section. One wears unicorns and sparkles. One is in athletic gear all week long.)
Anon says
I’d probably get at least one pair of athletic leggings and an athletic top, as she may find them useful for sports even if they aren’t her style. Then a couple pairs of normal leggings with tops. I’d make sure most can be mixed and matched.
Anonymous says
Like from Gap? Target? I’m looking for specific stores or brands that are either mainstream enough they won’t be the “wrong” style or easy to return/exchange.
Spirograph says
I’d probably do Target, assuming they are a prevalent chain where your “adopted” girl’s family lives and easy to get to. For me, Gap requires a trip to either the fancy downtown shopping area or to the nicer mall. Either way, no easy transit access and not a quick in-and-out trip. There are 3 Targets in my general vicinity and two are easily accessible by public transit, and one is open til midnight.
Anonymous says
I don’t really know. Kid is in a major city, and there are targets there, but idk how close it is to where she actually lives because we don’t have that info.
I was also considering trying to order off amazon because of the easy returns but that seems even more of a pain.
Anonymous says
Oh and fwiw it’s a foster child situation.
Anonymous says
Just go to Target. This family you adopted is poor right? Struggling? Sweetie I know you mean well but they are not going to have the time or resources to do returns. Buy things the same quality you would want your own children to have and move on.
Anonymous says
Amazon quality is terrible and returns are not that easy. Target all the way.
I would not do Gap because their sizing is inconsistent.
AIMS says
I’ve done this in the past and have gone with Old Navy (in NYC, for reference).
ElisaR says
we did this last year for a teenage boy. I did buy some clothes at Target, but then my husband thought as a foster kid (teen, so maybe different) he might appreciate some branded stuff. So we ordered some Nike stuff from Dick’s (big sports good store in NE, i don’t think they are out west) to add in as well.
DLC says
I like the Dick’s idea. I would never have thought of it, but where I am Dick’s is definitely a great option for casual clothes, better quality than some of Target and easier to get to then Gap.
My daughter loves long sleeve athletic tops with thumbholes.
Anonymous says
You’re sweet to think of this. I’m a foster mom (though mine are littles). I would work off the assumption this clothing will not be exchanged. I’d buy from Target or Walmart, honestly. I would buy several leggings and long sleeve tops (let your kids pick) and then a jacket, jeans, and some shoes, if you have her size. Letting your kids pick is a good way to be fashionable, but lean toward practical. Don’t include gift receipts.
Anon says
Does anyone feel like is such a slog with kids? I have been feeling so meh with just working all day then doing daycare pickup/meals/bedtime. Not terrible or anything but more just kind of.. not exciting? Idk what I am looking for, maybe validation that I am not the only person who feels this way or any advice on how to add more fun to my life. I guess I just wish that I could find more joy in the day to day at both work and home. I don’t think i am depressed or anything, it’s by no means bad, but just not amazing / having lots to look forward to kind of feeling.
Anonymous says
Yes, welcome to having kids. It gets better as they get older. But it’s still…giving a lot to little creatures that don’t give back (in the same way). Try and find joy in the small things. My oldest got up early and made all the beds on the house today and I’m going to enjoy that all day long, even when she gets off the bus bickering with her sister and dropping her cr@p all over the house.
Anon says
Feeling the same way right now, like every day is the same on repeat essentially and by the time we’re ready for the next day it’s time for bed. Planning to try and list out some activities to try on weekends over the winter to get out of the slump/Groundhog Day feeling.
Anonymous says
Parenting really is a horrible slog that just gets worse as they get older (bigger kids, bigger problems). It’s more difficult now than it was pre-pandemic because a lot of kids are total wrecks from being home for an entire year, it’s harder to find adult interaction because everyone is overextended and only wants to interact with their very closest friends, there’s nothing fun to do that’s safe and accessible, many adults are still stuck WFH, and working moms get even less time to to themselves than they did before.
Anon says
This is depressing. I have a 3 YO maniac toddler and a 6 month old, and I keep telling myself it will get better as they get older.
Anonymous says
There is a golden period in preschool and early elementary, and then it gets really bad.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry you feel this way. That has not been my experience at all.
Anon says
i think it gets different as they get older. different kinds of challenges that are taxing in a different way. and that as kids get older, you look back with rose colored glasses and don’t exactly recall how hard things were in the moment
Rose Colored Glasses says
Yes yes yes. This x1000.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry you feel that way. I dont find it all sunshine and rainbows but my experience has not been a horrible slog that just gets worse.
anon says
I know what she means, though. I have a middle schooler who has severe anxiety that started during the pandemic. Maybe it would’ve happened anyway, because middle school is not exactly a fun time in life, but I can tell you that the pandemic did not help matters at all. I spend a lot of my evenings just being there for him and being a listening ear and source of support. And yes, we’ve sought help from professionals, and no, it’s not a cure-all. I am depleted. I wanted to be a mom; I did not expect to become a mental health counselor in my spare time. Some of this is really kid-dependent. My other kiddo is just a lot easier, and parenting her is generally fun and gratifying. I would never say that to anyone IRL, but it’s the truth.
Anon says
I think of this as a school problem rather than a kid problem, but either way you look at it, school is just not right for every child (I would be miserable if I were in middle school).
Cb says
Granted I only have 1 chill four year old but I definitely like each phase more and more. He’s self-sufficient in terms of potty matters, he sleeps well, we have great chats. He can get frustrated easily and I’m confused why it takes him 10 minutes to put his socks on, but I like this age and just foresee it getting better as he gets more independent.
Redux says
Fair enough, but I think this conversation is about older kids. You are in what the poster above calls the golden period of preschool.
I don’t have middle schoolers but I remember being one and it was so rough.
Anon says
Wow that is depressing.
Little Kid Mom says
I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and I never know how to take “it gets worse” comments. I can’t argue with someone who has been in both places when I haven’t, but I do wonder how much they remember about the hard parts of the little kid phase.
Some people are also more “little kid” people than others so I always wonder if personality is a factor.
The pandemic has obviously made parenting worse for everyone. Giving birth in the early months of covid and then having a newborn and toddler with no outside support was certainly no picnic. Was it harder or easier than having angry isolated teenagers? I have no idea.
Anon says
Yeah and I think it’s a red flag when people make blanket statements (it only gets worse, bigger kids bigger problems). as if their experience is true for everyone. I’m sorry, life is already too depressing to face each day thinking it only gets worse. I need hope. I’m not aren’t keeping my head above water with a baby and toddler!
Anonymous says
Here is the difference between toddlers and teenagers. Toddlers have tantrums and refuse to eat and refuse to sleep. You kind of write it off because they are toddlers and can’t be reasoned with. Teenagers do all of that and more, and they still refuse to be reasoned with even though they are old enough that it should be possible. They forget their homework and zone out during class and underperform in school and now it has consequences. They have abusive coaches that you don’t find out about until it’s too late. They need homework help in subjects you haven’t studied in 30 years. They ask for help and then scream at you when you try to help them. They have access to drugs and alcohol and sex and cars, and if you think they don’t, you are kidding yourself. Every couple of months you hear about the “sudden death” of a teenager in the community and you wonder what that kid’s parents missed and whether you are missing the same thing.
Big kids, big problems.
Little Kid Parent says
I’m not in a position to argue with you; I’ve worked with plenty of teenagers but never parented any. I don’t doubt it’s incredibly hard though I have heard different things from different people on what is “harder.” – not sure what that even means as the situations are so different.
For me it’s not the tantrums (though those aren’t the most fun ever, of course), it’s the lack of sleep and not having my own physical needs met half the time (sleep, eating, etc.) because I was parenting an infant and a toddler in a pandemic with limited and sometimes no child care and no ability to call in backup or even family help due to covid issues. It’s also the constant vigilance and need to be on alert for imminent physical danger because one kid is unknowing trying to harm themselves or the other kid, etc. etc.
I guess being told, “it just gets worse” does hit a nerve for me. I don’t have any basis for saying you’re wrong, but —- ouch. It’s a gut punch.
Little Kid Parent says
Also, toddlers can and do die from everyday objects like grapes, batteries, windows, furniture, etc etc etc. They don’t recognize everyday dangers like crossing the street. And the screaming and crying produces a biological stress that’s out of proportion to what people often remember looking back. So I don’t think little kids means little problems if that’s what you’re suggesting.
I do know enough teens that I am not looking forward to the teenager years, if that’s the point you’re making. They sound incredibly hard.
Anon says
so my younger sister developed A LOT of issues during late elementary school that continued on into the middle/high school years. mental health challenges, social challenges, school challenges – you name it. now that i am a parent i can more appreciate how taxing this must have been on my parents because at the time, i myself was a teenager who found it challenging to live with someone like my sister. that being said, when my babies were born, i asked my mom if she thought it got easier or harder, and she said both at the same time. my kids are still little and i imagine some things will get MUCH MUCH harder, like all of the things you mention. and other things will get easier. it is also so kid dependent and so parent dependent, that i don’t think making sweeping generalizations helps. i have a lot of friends who are doctors, and when they were in med school and found it hard, and people in their intern year, would say things like ‘just wait, it gets so much harder’ and then when they got to that stage they would find some things easier and some things harder. and that we tend to have a short term memory for many things
DLC says
I always hesitate to post how difficult I’m finding having older kids because some commenters do just find it very discouraging and will say so, rather than respond with empathy.
So when people with babies ask, “Tell me it gets easier!” I vacillate between wanting to keep it real and not wanting to impose my experience and struggles on others. I fully acknowledge that this is my experience and it’s about my personality and my children’s.
I get a lot of great advice and thoughts here but sometimes it does feels like some people here don’t want to hear about challenges with older kid. It’s not a misery competition here.
Anon says
please don’t hesitate to post that it gets harder. i like reading about older kid posts and how to navigate some of those stages! however, if a parent is posting because they haven’t slept through the night in 3 weeks or because they are in the throws of potty training and there is pee all over their furniture…hopefully those things at least get easier as a kid gets older? i think when people with babies/young kids post things like “please tell me it gets easier”they are not necessarily looking for someone to sugar coat it and tell them it will all be sunshine and rainbows once they can sleep through the night (or at least i’m not as a mom to young kids), but when i had newborn twins and had major ppa/ppd and was super sleep deprived and i posted on this board as a place to vent, and likely posted “please tell me it gets easier,” i definitely did not mean that it literally gets easier, i meant more like that i will not always have to feed two children every 3 hours and since i can’t tandem feed bc one has reflux, that by the time a feeding cycle is over between the feeding, burping, diaper changing, pumping, etc. i barely have enough time to go to the bathroom…that it won’t be hard in that specific way forever
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t have teenagers but have a few close coworkers who have teenagers. Their experiences are all over the place and I think a lot of the challenge is that the “hardness” is so individualized at that point and it’s hard to commiserate in the same way as you can with toddlers b/c most toddlers are hard in similar ways (“it’s not easy but it’s simple”). But I also don’t see the point in saying “just wait, it gets harder, etc.” because it’s true that time blurs the edges of your memory and when you’re dealing with a teenager, you’re not presently feeling the physical exhaustion of monitoring and caring for a small child so you forget how hard it is. And I’m also not sure how to quantify “hardness.”
Anonymous says
I think the point isn’t “just wait, it gets harder,” it’s that with big kids it’s still a slog, just a different kind of slog. I have older kids and the evenings are just as draining as when they were little.
DLC says
@12:42 – thank you- this is beautifully nuanced. You’re so right – I think one needs to empathetically respond to whatever struggle bus a person is on at any given moment. It reminds me that Carolyn Hax had a lovely column today about responding rather than reacting.
I have a baby and a nine year old and the nine year old makes me want to crawl into bed for the next decade in a way that the baby doesn’t. But again, that’s just me. And the nine year old.
Anon says
This. Plus not all little kids are the same. My almost 4 year old seems harder then 98% of kids her age. I suspect the older years may be less challenging for us than they are for other people because we had such a challenging preschool stage (here is certainly no “golden era” in preschool for me – this is the hardest parenting stage yet by far and harder than I remember my own teen years being, although I think was a fairly easy teen). In contrast, the baby year was very easy because she was a good sleeper, but I certainly understand why lots of people hate it if their kid doesn’t sleep. I think it’s really just so individual and depends so much on your kids’ personalities and your own personality.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I always think of that book “All Joy and no Fun” when thinking about life with kids (and yes, she does talk about the cycle of really hard with little kids, then a golden period of elementary, then different kind of hard with teens). On a fundamental level, I have the life that I want and definitely wanted kids and wanted to experience this wild ride and eventual relationship with older kids, but right now the days are definitely a slog. We try to plan one couples trip per year, and a few nights here and there. It really helps to have my parents around and able to stay with the kids. We had a pretty good summer with going to outdoor zoos and other outdoor areas. With the vaccine for my older one (thanks for the responses everyone!), I think we’ll plan a few more museum visits this winter.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 to making sure there is some type of getaway. Whenever I get into the burned out feelings (which happens a lot more thanks to the last ~20 months or so), it’s usually time for a break of some sort. Any chance you can do something similar, either with your partner or a friend? Do you have family and/or a good bench of babysitters to give you a break?
Also, make sure you’re doing some stuff for you – whether that’s reading, another hobby, etc. I know it’s hard to think about sometimes but it makes a huge difference.
Anon says
Do you have time to play with your kids every day?
Anonymous says
Playing with little kids is not fun for everyone!
Anon says
But maybe it is fun for her? I think a lot of people enjoy spending time with their kids particularly when they don’t have to multi-task and do chores while kid wrangling. It’s so much easier if my husband and I divide and conquer. We have a schedule for mealtime, bedtime, etc responsibility and try to give each other one night completely off per week.
Anonymous says
The point is that for many people playing with the kids is part of the slog, not an escape from it.
Anon says
But is playing a slog for her? She didn’t mention it. I mean if you find kids exhausting and draining in all formats then I guess you’d have to spend less time with them and carve out some solo time into a routine?
Anon says
What if we define play as “something fun” – something you do together because you enjoy the process, not for an end goal? It could be reading, taking a walk, going to Starbucks and having a chat, even be watching a show together. I think the point that you should should aim to do something enjoyable with your kid most days of the week is a good one
Anonymous says
It sounds like your kids are young? It gets better. I absolutely felt that way when my son was in preschool and younger. There is just a lot of drudgery involved in early parenthood. Try to savor those rare happy moments – really take it in when things are good for a second – and have faith that it will get easier.
Anon says
there was a post maybe last week where someone said they just feel so burnt out and i at least think that even if your own family was lucky enough not to experience any major hardships during the pandemic, the mental load has been a lot. risk analysis, childcare contingencies, etc. etc. depending on what you like to do for fun, with or without your kids, you couldn’t necessarily do that either. i think it is going to take all of us time to recover
Anonymous says
I feel this so much!
Anonymous says
The days kiddo and I seem to have the most fun together are days where I do a good job of including her in things I enjoy. Last night while making dinner, my 6 year old cut the tops of the strawberries for us (with one of those plastic knives). I enjoy cooking and she always asks if she can help. Or taking her for a pedicure or a trip to Starbucks. I know you can’t do that all the time, but it seems to work better for us than endless playing. I do that too, but it feels like a slog.
Spirograph says
I’ve gone (go) through times where I feel like this. I don’t think it gets better or worse in any kind of a steady trajectory (other than the major quality-of-life increases when kids reliably sleep through the night and are potty trained), but it kind of ebbs and flows. For me, it’s feeling trapped by my job, by my family, and just like I have so little control over how I spend my time and I’m just plodding along in a groundhog day loop of work and parenting and housework.
That said! You asked for things that might help. I usually just need to snap out of this funk and reframe, it’s not a consistent change I need to make to what I *do,* just a perspective thing.
1. Go for a walk outdoors somewhere you can see trees. Don’t listen to a podcast or talk on the phone, just notice nature. 10 min between work calls helps! Or if they’re old enough, take your kids for a hike and encourage them to play/explore off-trail.
2. If your kids are verbal… listen to them. Sit down and play with blocks or trains or something so your hands are busy, and just listen to them chat. They say the craziest stuff!
3. Sign up for a class or some kind of one-time activity you’re not good at, or schedule something with a friend. Even if it’s just a phone date.
4. Wander alone through a store just cuz, with no intention of buying anything. I usually pick a craft store.
5. This is a little woo, but it helps me be present and get out of the negative feedback loop that makes me feel like life is a slog: Take a couple minutes, notice 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, the textures of 5 things you can touch, 5 things you can smell.
Anon. says
Adding on to the good advice/ideas above: I started a 5-year Journal this year. I try (and often fail) to write just a few lines every day and it really helps me focus on the brief moments of joy instead of the slog. Nothing earth shattering, but just noticing enough to write down the lyrics of the ridiculous song my 4-yrold came up with or a note about the 2 yrold being so excited about her new hat or whatever. It’s little, but it helps.
Anon says
You aren’t the only one who feels this way! So I’m alone with the kids 80% of weekdays and I sometimes feel this way. I specifically plan things that make me happy. For example, every Tuesday is library day. We go to the library and they can take out as many books as fit in our bag and then we go home and read on the couch until bedtime. I also order kids books that I’d enjoy reading. When it’s warm out, we eat picnic dinners outdoors most nights, just in the yard, because I like being outside. I figure if I’m the cruise ship director, I can nudge us toward activities I enjoy.
AwayEmily says
Yes to all of this (I’m also alone with the kids for part of each week). The more I take control over our evening plans, the happier we all are. I try to spend a little time (usually just on my way home from work) thinking about how I want to spend the evening. Do I want to let the kids watch TV so I can cook dinner in relative peace? Take them to the library and then read books all evening? Eat a picnic dinner on the floor and then play board games? Go to a playground? I find that spending even a few minutes making a specific plan (based mostly on my own mental state and how much I need some decompression time vs kid time) helps a lot in terms of making time with kids feel more intentional/joyful.
Anon says
another person who is often alone in the evenings. it totally feels like a slog and is so much better for me psychologically when DH is there too.
So Anon says
I think the pandemic has really taken a toll on working moms. And yes, I do feel like it is a slog some days, and some of that is the nature of parenting – work, make dinner, repeat. I have that I am happier when I lean into this phase of life. My kids are a bit older (8 and 10), and it is now so much easier to genuinely enjoy doing things with them. I love to read, and so we are reading books that I now enjoy reading at night. My kids like (one tolerates) hiking, and we have had some really great adventures hiking. Also, I have found in the last few years that they are genuinely fascinating people. My son has a dry wit that is awesome. My daughter and I watch cooking/baking shows and then go try and bake together. I know that it is not all rainbows and unicorns – trust me – but I try and find the little good and joy and laughter and that makes it feel like less of a slog.
NLD in NYC says
Raising a hand in solidarity. I appreciate all the feedback. For me, I try to remember that there is joy and hardship in each season. DS is 2 and I can’t wait for the days where we can play board games, take trips he can appreciate, etc. But I’m trying to remember that at that time he may not want to cuddle as much.
DLC says
I am also in the “harder as they get older” school. I just don’t think I’m cut out for the mental work of having to relate to kids becoming real people and then figuring out how to best support that. I much prefer the “feed, cuddle, keep them from sticking their finger in the socket” stage where it’s pretty apparent what kids need.
I’ve been reading Oliver Burkeman’s 4000 Weeks (also his Life Kit episode was great), but he makes the point (i think i wrote this on another thread last week) that instead of asking ourself if a choice/action/path makes us happy, we should ask if it expands our life or diminish our life. He goes on to point out that parenting is a prime example of this because it doesn’t really make us happy. I’ve found that re-framing doesn’t make the slog any less, but does help me feel a little less despairing about it.
If you are lucky enough to have a partner, can you switch off bedtime duties with him so that you get a regular night off ? My husband and i alternate being “on” from after dinner until bedtime, and having that 90 minutes from 6:30-8pm to myself to do what I want is really helpful.
I also try to really lean into the moments and flashes of joy and wonder, particularly when I can’t schedule a break. Like my nine year old making up a silly song, or the four year old wanting “Tuesday” for Christmas, or that priceless baby smile, or the weight of a sleeping baby snuggled against me. Or getting outside and seeing the sunlight through the fall leaves. Or a great song on the radio. Or a phone call with a friend. And then write it down so you can savor/ remember them.
There is a saying in the classical music world that the composer Wagner has wonderful moments but awful quarter hours. I think it also applies to many aspects of life.
Anonymous says
You know, I’m the opposite. And perhaps that’s why “it gets harder as they get older” is so controversial. I find the “don’t stick your hand in the socket” stuff so much harder/more draining than the Big Problems with older kids. My oldest is 12 and my younger two still love me but are no longer actively dangerous to themselves and others (ages 5 and almost 8). I am better at being a life coach than I am a life guard, but I know that is not the case for all people.
CCLA says
I like the life coach vs life guard phrasing! Ours are 3 and 5 and so far has been better each year – I am affirmatively not a baby person. I do notice the 5yo needs me in more personal ways than she used to (whereas when younger it could more easily be any trusted caretaker who could be me, DH, grandparent, sitter), but I do find it easier and more enjoyable overall. The independence the older one is getting is amazing, which helps on a day to day level.
DLC says
So true! I like that distinction a lot.
I guess for me ages 4-5 were a great age of independence and affection. And maybe we screwed it up by having two more kids when she was 5 and 8.
Ages 7-10 have been really tough. A combination of personality differences and tricky social navigation. And maybe I’m wrong… maybe this is as hard as this kid will get and she will figure things out despite my bad advice and struggle to empathize. (I don’t think I’m a sociopath or anything… i just find empathy really hard to actively display.). The pressure to cultivate a good human is huge.
anon says
I feel like it’s a slog often. We have a 1.5 yo and 5.5 yo and they are both handfuls. We have no family or close friends in our city and even when our parents are around, they aren’t in good enough shape to handle the 1.5 yo (too much lifting!). My husband is very covid cautious so we have just not been doing very much since the younger was born. This year has been particularly hard. I kind of reached a breaking point where I told my husband that we needed to get a babysitter and start actually going out and doing stuff by ourselves. We had our first sitter last weekend and it was amazing. 3 hours without crying, screaming, feeding or cleaning kids. We are now committed to making this a regular thing, and have a second babysitter lined up for this weekend already. I’m hopeful that this is the key to turning things around. But yeah, I think it’s still going to be a slog from time to time. Young kids are exhausting (for me anyway). I’m a person who needs a lot of alone time and quiet and that’s nearly impossible to get right now. But I also try to keep the perspective that this will not be forever and life is (hopefully) long. Don’t worry, you are not alone!
Anonymous says
Wow. I feel really sad for most of you. I have a 2yo and 4.5yo. Yes some nights feel like a slog but I’m generally happy and love being with my kids. It sounds like the OP is missing some novelty. I try to cook 1 new thing a week, spend as much time as possible (truly) outside and in nature with my kids, and take a weekend trip every other month (with DH and kids). Sometimes this is visiting family, other times it’s just the 4 of us going to an AirBNB. DH and I also *try* to go out with our own friends once a month, usually a weeknight after our kids are in bed. Our 4.5yos only activity is ballet once a week, and we will not pursue any high intensity sports or travel teams as they get older. This is a non negotiable. We also find a lot of peace by going to church once/week and I have a church womens group twice a month.
anon says
OK, thanks for the smugness. Nobody said they don’t love their kids or even that they don’t enjoy being with them, but it’s OK to admit that things often feel hard or boring. Agree that novelty certainly helps, but as I tell my older kids, not every day/weekend/moment is going to be entertaining. Accepting that actually makes me feel better about whatever slog I’m in.
Anonymous says
ha, my (elementary) kid’s first impulse is to ask for my phone if we have to wait for anything. The 15 minutes observation period after vaccines is the most recent example. I like to tell him that learning to be bored is a life skill, and I try to remind myself to take my own advice. Now that I think of it, this was a skill the military taught as part of survival school. Not that parenting is so similar to being a POW, but there was a lot of focus on how to stay in a good head space when you’re trapped alone and/or the world is against you.
Anonymous says
Let me guess: you have reliable full-time child care, a house cleaner, a nice cushy 9 – 5 job, a spouse who also has a nice cushy 9 – 5 job, your own office or home office that is not in your dining room, and kids who sleep through the night and have no particular challenges? Congratulations on winning the lottery.
anon says
Seriously. Talk to me when you have a kid who has learning differences or emotional difficulties or a spirited temperament or academic difficulties or the million other things that can make parenting feel impossible at times.
Anonymous says
My husband works 12hr days and is in the reserves so is gone 1 weekend a month AT LEAST and sometimes weeks at a time. But I choose not to focus on the drudgery. One of my child’s has extra needs and receives services. We all have struggles, but attitude goes pretty far.
Anonymous says
Right here is the definition of toxic positivity.
Spirograph says
I’m glad this works for you, but I hope you can take a step back and see how your comment might rub a lot of us the wrong way… Most people don’t fall into negative thought patterns because they *want* to. It’s often / usually not as easy as “focus on the positive!” and acting like it is is pretty disrespectful to people who are wrestling with the difficult realities of parenting in America (or anywhere, honestly).
Anonymous says
Yes but I also posted practical solutions we find to help with the drudgery and negativity. I’ve been living through the pandemic and raising small children too. I am sorry that so many people on this board are struggling.
Anon says
Perhaps if you had lead your comment with this expression of empathy rather than one of pity your suggestions (which, I do think are really positive and concrete) would have gone over better. I think most people have a cringe-y negative reaction to being pitied because it implies that someone is judging them. I can’t speak for everyone who posts here, but I don’t participate here to be judged.
Woof says
I just saw this post and all these responses, and thought I would add my two cents at the ripe old age of 67. My two sons are 29 and 31. Raising them, married to a man who traveled all.the.time, was the hardest thing I ever did. both sons had special needs, one in particular, and I spent a lot of time with doctors and therapists of various sorts. As has been said, it gets easier, and it gets harder as time goes on. I prefer problem solving and guiding to diapers and boredom, so I guess the older years came more easily to me. We are a species that never was meant to live in single family homes, separated from siblings and parents, and on our own to run a house, care for these little ones, and make a living. Somehow, we made it through and the sons are fine. The reality is we need new structures and supports and less achievement orientation in our society. Nonetheless, despite the sacrifices and the blows to my career, which were substantial, I adore my sons, I’m proud of my family, and I wouldn’t give them up for anything. For me, it was worth it, all the hard parts. If and when my sons have children, I will offer my support, as I know they will need it. Toughest job you’ll ever love–the Marines slogan.
Anon says
We found out Sunday that our last IVF cycle failed. It was our last embryo and after 10 cycles and 5 surgeries over the last few years we had agreed not to try again after we transferred this embryo. We have a daughter from a successful IVF cycle (which I think gave me false hope that the second try would be easier). I’m just so, so sad that she won’t have a sibling and am grieving that our family won’t look how I wanted it to. I am having trouble working tho I have to be in the office for big prescheduled meetings Thursday and Friday.
Anonymous says
I’m really sorry to hear this, it’s a tough process to let go of the family you’d envisioned and wished for and I’m sending internet hugs your way. Good luck fighting through the rest of the work week. If work isn’t a good distraction for you, I’d do the minimum aside from your big meetings and plan some self care this weekend.
AnonIVF says
I’m so sorry.
Anonymous says
I am so sorry. I wish you comfort and peace during your grieving process.
Anon says
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is very tough.
Patricia Gardiner says
I’m so sorry. IVF is such a roller coaster, and the hormones don’t help with the emotions.
Anon says
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to also make sure that someone (even an Internet stranger) says to you that you are 100% allowed to grieve for this loss. Do the bare minimum at work and take time over the weekend or next week to have time to truly grieve.
RR says
I’m so sorry. Get through your meetings and take some time to grieve.
anon says
What’s everyone up to tomorrow? We didn’t really plan anything and have the day off with two kids in DC. Kids are not vaccinated yet, so we’re still staying outdoors.
Anonymous says
The weather is beautiful right now! Go to a park! Meadowbrook local park is a nice playground along rock creek. In Maryland we like Greenbrier State Park and Cunningham falls. Great Falls in VA or MD.
DLC says
I love Great Falls this time of year. If you do Great Falls, though, go to one of the MD side parking lots and go early. Last year we went on Veteran’s day and it was packed by 10:30a.
If my kids were off, I’d either go to the Arboretum or to Black Hills Regional Park. Or for a short day trip, It might be a nice to go to the beach. Not to swim, but to wade and dig in the sand. Either Sandy Point or Beverly Triton are two of my favorites.
I also like KidfriendlyDC for great ideas of outdoor happenings.
Anonymous says
+1 the beach! Try Matapeake Beach on Kent Island
Pottery Barn Anywhere Chairs says
Completely #firstworldproblem question of the day:
Which size Anywhere Chair did you get, and are you happy with that choice?
I’m leaning towards the standard size for our first child (currently 13 months), but wondering if we should do oversized instead?
Anon says
have standard size, but wish we had oversized. i had registered for oversized but my parents’ friends went rogue and bought off registry. my twins are 3.5 and still fit in the standard and love their chairs, but i think we’d have more longevity with oversized
Thanksgiving says
What are your/your kids favorite thanksgiving recipe? Excited to plan what to make this year!
Spirograph says
My kids are largely indifferent to Thanksgiving food except pie (my family usually has apple, pumpkin, pecan, and mincemeat) and really rich mashed potatoes.
My favorites are fresh-baked dinner rolls, my mom’s candied sweet potatoes with brown sugar and walnut crust on top, and cranberry relish: Cranberries + a whole orange + walnuts in a food processor, and a little bit of sugar to taste.
Anonymous says
So not actually dinner, but for breakfast… Last year we did homemade cinnamon rolls with kiddo the night before, and then we did the thing where you make a turkey out of them with bacon and eyes after we baked them in the morning. It was a lot of fun!
Anonymous says
My kid would be thrilled if I just served rolls and pumpkin pie with no crust, which I suppose is pumpkin custard?
AwayEmily says
We are ordering a full Thanksgiving dinner from Wegmans again this year. It was great last year and I suspect it will be great this year as well. I like cooking and am excited to return to it someday but with two little kids it’s just not that fun to be in the kitchen all day.
We will make our own dessert, though — pumpkin pie with gingersnap crust! So much better than soggy pastry crust.
Anonymous says
Store-bought pie crust is an abomination. Gingersnap crust sounds delicious, though! I might have to try that.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Don’t forget bakery pies, which are excellent (in case you opt out of baking). Although our grocery store pies were excellent last year…and now I want pie.
Anonymous says
Pumpkin cheesecake!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I didn’t grow up eating traditional Thanksgiving foods, and perhaps that is is why as an adult, I’ve tried them, made them with my own twist, etc. and I still think most of them (especially turkey) are overhyped unless made very, very well. I make a mean mac-and-cheese with roasted poblanos and/or hatch chiles, everything from scratch. Looking forward to that.
We also outsource a lot of our dinner (last year our main dish were tandoori-style kabobs from a family favorite restaurant) and it’s glorious!
Anon says
Do any other moms who had babies in 2020 pre-vaccines feel a little bitter when they see/hear about new babies this year and the experience those moms are having, versus what you experienced last year?
I had our second in the spring of 2020 and one of my very dear friends just had her second last week. I’m genuinely thrilled for her but also feel this gnawing jealousy when I hear about the fact she got have to a visitor in the hospital besides her husband, that her vaccinated family has been able to meet and hold her new baby, etc. I was almost completely alone after birth for months with no outside help or support. My son’s entire babyhood was missed by the majority of our family and friends. No one brought me food or was able to come over to help me recover with a toddler and a newborn. I ended up developing PPD after his traumatic birth and in spite of virtual therapy, struggled with my mental health until this past spring/summer. He is our last baby and sometimes I can’t help feeling sad for him and sad for myself that his first year of life was so hard and so not what it was supposed to be. I think I just needed to get this off my chest, but maybe I need to go back to therapy to deal with these feelings.
anon says
I think this is COMPLETELY understandable. It’s okay to grieve the loss of the experience you should’ve been able to have.
Anon says
i think that it is very normal to want/need to grieve the loss of experience you thought you would have. i did not have a pandemic baby, but when i got married, i always envisioned that when i got pregnant and had my first baby i’d go for walks with the baby, go to a baby group, and that my mom would be able to come visit to help me amongst other thins. instead, i had premie twins during a time of when our pediatrician told me not to take them for walks bc it was so hot (literally they went on their first walk at four months old), not much time between feeds so never made it to a baby group and my non-local mom had retired at that point, but got sick and was wheelchair bound so couldn’t come fly to help me. totally different set of circumstances, but i posted on here often during the first year of my kids’ life and people often told me that “It’s okay to grieve the loss of the experience you should’ve been able to have,” no matter what the circumstances, which really resonated with me. time has helped me, and therapy, but the feelings do still surface from time to time. sending hugs.
Anonymous says
Oh, your reaction sounds totally logical to what you experienced. I don’t think you’re being irrational for feeling this way. But of course therapy may help you let go of some of that anger/bitterness and move on. I cannot imagine having a 2020 baby. Our now toddler was 7 months old when the pandemic started and I still feel loss for all the things I missed out on doing with him and his sister last year. Things that are perfect for a one year old, but that he’s moved past now. That’s the hard thing, childhood is fleeting. But we can’t change what happened so I just kind of stuff those feelings in a box and move on.
Anon says
I am in a similar position— I had my second (and last) baby in summer 2020, and I’ve definitely had to grieve the fact that her infanthood/my postpartum experience was not what I had hoped. I don’t have any great words of wisdom to offer, but I am just here to say that I do have similar feelings of jealousy. I try to remember that COVID was hard for everyone in unique ways, but it still hurts to think about what my baby and I missed out on. And, how it was a so much harder postpartum experience to not have help/support/daycare for big sister.
Anonymous says
Yep. I’m dealing with that right now. When I’ve tried to vent to friends and family, they just say, “What did you expect, newborns are hard.” In addition to mourning the fact that LO still hasn’t met much family and very few of our friends, I had 6 months of feeling absolutely terrified of getting covid while pregnant – at each visit, the doctor would tell me what new horrible things they’d learned about pregnancy during covid (and I didn’t actually get to see the same doctor for each visit, because covid). I don’t know anyone who’s had a baby post-vaccine or who’s pregnant now who’s had experiences anything like that.
AnonATL says
Yep. I only have 1 so I don’t know anything different, but it was an incredibly lonely slog through my pregnancy and up till now (kid is 15mo). Even now that DH and I are vaccinated and so are close family/friends, it feels weird asking for help. It’s like I’ve muddled my way this far, I’ll just keep the forward momentum and not stop to think about how tiring and lonely it all is.
Anonymous says
+1 to feeling weird about asking for help. Plus, at this point, my kid has separation anxiety/stranger fear, and she hasn’t met a lot of the people we’d ask to help in normal times, so it just seems easier to muddle my way forward.
Anony says
Yes, yes, yes. I identify with just about everything you said. I’m genuinely happy for people who are having a different experience right now, but deep down, it hurts to see it and think of what we missed (and are still missing, really). My 2020 baby is almost certainly going to be my only, so this is it, that experience is never going to happen. I don’t really want another baby (we are likely one and done for health-related reasons so it’s not entirely by choice, but we also love our family of three and think we may have chosen it even without those constraints), but I think about what it would be like to have a “normal” pregnancy and postpartum time all the time, even as I know that the reality could be totally different, and that even if it was exactly like I imagine, that might actually be really triggering after some of the scary experiences that I had very much alone. I started therapy over it, and it is helping now, although for me it got worse before it got better.
Anonymous says
Those of you who are doing therapy to work through these feelings, how did you find a therapist? I posted above, and I’m striking out trying to find a therapist. Should I be looking for a specific specialty? I never had any of the typical PPD symptoms, so therapists in my area who specialize in that haven’t been helpful.
Anon (OP) says
I found mine when I needed support navigating a medically complex pregnancy by Googling variations of “my city + prenatal mental health + therapist” who specializes in women’s mental health during pregnancy and new motherhood. I’ve seen her on and off as needed in the years since. Since many therapists are still doing telehealth, you likely don’t even need somebody local to you, just one licensed to practice in your state. Psychology Today also has a robust therapist’s directory that you could sort through to find a match. I don’t think you need a specific specialty, but someone familiar with the issues and struggles that come with being a new mom might be most helpful to you.
Anony says
The key phrase I started out with was therapists who specialized in maternal mental health. My baby’s pediatrician actually had a referral list, which was really helpful, because it wasn’t just for parents dealing with PPD, but also other health issues, family problems, etc. My therapist has a lot of patients with PPD, but isn’t exclusively focused on it and also deals with a lot of other parenting-related issues. Then I narrowed it down to a few who had experience with patients with another medical issue I had, because it was also a difficult part of the experience for me and I knew I’d need to talk about it, but also didn’t want to spend a lot of therapy time explaining it.
anon says
So, as a parent of older kids, the post earlier today reminds me exactly why I don’t post much about whatever kid-related struggle I’m in. What’s hard to see if you have younger kids is that the challenges (and joys!) because much more nuanced. And frankly, people feel a lot more entitled to comment on how your kid’s challenges are directly related to your parenting abilities, which may or may not be true! There are so many things about having older kids that I love and relish, but it also is lonely in a way that’s hard to describe. People are tight-lipped even around their closest friends because you have to be super mindful of what your kid would feel comfortable with others knowing about. It’s a tightrope. This is not to downplay the struggles of sleepless nights and wily toddlers because been there, done that, and it’s hard in totally different ways! Just … be careful not to assume that when a mom admits she’s having a hard time with older kids or finding it hard that she’s somehow defective, not trying hard enough, or not happy enough with the kids she has.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t think anyone here would think that a mom of older kids isn’t also struggling in different ways or that it’s her fault. I think the point above is that when parents of non-sleeping babies or screaming toddlers post, they don’t want to hear that “it gets so much worse.” The challenges change and you’re right, they become more nuanced and harder to commiserate about. That doesn’t negate the fact that those presently dealing with babies/toddlers/preschoolers are struggling too.
I think my general idea is that I doubt any parent signs up to be a parent of a toddler or a teenager forever (at least I wouldn’t….) but that there are highs and lows in this parenting thing. And in the end, the kids are who they are anyway, and the best we can do is model a good relationship for them.
anon says
Absolutely! And I would never tell a mom of babies or toddlers “just you wait” or “it will only get worse.” Because a) that’s rude; and b) sleep deprivation and recovering from birth/nursing/what have you is no joke. What I would say, though, is that you can expect each stage to come with its own joys and challenges. The hard parts are different but they never completely go away.
Anonymous says
When people post about non-sleeping babies or screaming toddlers, the response isn’t “it gets so much worse.” The response is that those things do improve. In the thread above, however, OP just talks generally about the slog that is parenting. That slog goes on one way or another until your child leaves the house.
Anon says
i’m a mom of younger and please please post! this is an anonymous board. i understand why you feel the need to be tightlipped around closest friends, but you don’t need to here. any mom who is posting here is trying! and it is hard to always (at every single stage, every single moment of every single day) be happy enough with the kids you have. we are all dealt different hands. some have kids who are born with serious physical health issues, others have kids who develop them later on or who have learning disabilities or develop mental health challenges. feeling frustrated with your kids, feeling like you sometimes wish you had different kids, doesn’t make you a bad parent at all, it makes you a human one!
Anonymous says
Sing it. I know for a fact that several friends are dealing with challenges similar to mine, but I can’t share with them or ask their advice out of respect for my own kid’s privacy. Meanwhile, I have to pretend to be happy for all the people bragging about their kids’ triumphs while I watch mine struggle and suffer and wonder what the future has in store. It’s lonely and isolating in a way that parenting a young child never was.
Anon says
There are some awesome (rarely updated) blogs out there that parents may find helpful. Amalah and Woulda Coulda Shoulda both have kids who had some very objectively difficult struggles at various older stages, but all of the kids in question have grown up and are in great places now. I find it so refreshing because each blogger seems to have good relationships with the kids, and everyone has come out of the struggles in a good place.
For me, my older kids are a genuine delight to be with, but one in particular has challenges that keep me up at night regarding the child’s future. My younger kid absolutely wears me to the bone, but has an uncomplicated sweetness that is a balm to my soul after discussing puberty and complicated attendant issues with my big kids. To balance it all, I try to take a lot of breaks from the grind with my younger child (no guilt, ever on babysitters – big fan of the 4 to 8 babysitter on weekends because I do so many solo bedtimes), and take my big kids to places where they shine (ropes courses, out to dinners where the little one would be a mess, etc.).
anon says
Yeah, as a parent of littles (about 4 and 2), I’m interested in this too. I know a lot of moms of K and younger, and then a few moms with kids in late HS/college who are in the beautiful Brag Stage (not knocking it, I love hearing it, its parenting goals, and she’s worked her butt off and deserves to see her kids thriving! YAY), but it’s not always helpful for advice on planning ahead for the next few years. Like, how long can I realistically keep the 8pm bedtime because I really like and rely on that quiet time? Moms of 20yos might not remember that type of thing. Etc. etc.
This whole thread has me really thinking. It’s nice sometimes to commiserate! I feel guilty for feeling like it’s a slog. My mom is seriously a gem — she frequently tells me how she and my dad “loved each stage” and I honestly she’s not kidding. (For the record, she swears 18 mo is her favorite age and I know no one else who says that ever lol. I also wanted to laugh and cry when doing the BLF videos I paid for and hearing tips of stuff my mom did that I eye-rolled at.) I think having an appreciation for the magic of each age truly does help, but if it goes too far you start feeling bad for feeling like “if I have to load the dishwasher one more time my head will explode.” (For you super moms reading, sorry to tell you but you can be an awesome mom like mine and still have a snarky, pessimistic daughter like me lol). One of the things I like here is people giving concrete tips! So keep those going. Even if they don’t work or only some do, it is good to have a space to share.
anon says
Fun question. Any cute token gift ideas for a spouse who had a big work achievement? All my tired brain can come up with is booze, so help please.
Anonymous says
Cake.
anon says
He’s not a big sweets person, but you know what, this is more of a “gesture” thing I think he’d appreciate. Thanks!
Anon says
When my husband got a huge research grant, I made him a coffee mug on Zazzle that says “Mr. Moneymaker”.
Also, cake.
EDAnon says
I write my husband a heartfelt card. He doesn’t like sweets so I ordered his favorite dinner (which I don’t like) the last time.
Flying with a 3 month old says
Posting again since I posted late yesterday; thanks so much to the person who responded!
I know there is abundant info on the internet, but I appreciate all of your expertise so much… please share your tips for flying with a 3 month old. It would be a short, non-stop flight. My questions include… lap child or car seat? Bring car seat and base or have grandparents buy a set? Our baby is currently in the Snoo bassinet for naps and at night, so we’d have to all adjust to a regular pack and play or something…
Any and all tips and tricks for the actual travel part or for optimizing the logistics of the visit itself are welcome!
anon says
Apologies if you’ve gotten this tip a million times already, but nursing/feeding at take off/landing at that age does seem to help. 3mo is kind of nice because they might just sleep a bunch for you, fingers crossed!
Bring yourself enough snacks too! And wear a fanny pack for the airport. Game changer. No more digging around for the boarding pass. Also, if kiddo has a favorite paci or blanket or whatever, this is one of those instances I’d actually bring a clip to secure it so it’s not dropping on the floor. Normally I’m in the 3-second-rule camp, but not at airports.
At 3mo I’d do a lap seat, gate check the carseat and stroller.
Anonymous says
We flew with a 5-month old and bought a seat on the plane. We brought our car seat (he sat in it on the plane) and strapped it into the car of the family we were visiting while we were there. We also brought the guava lotus bassinet/pack and play for sleep. No real tips aside from making sure you build in time for naps and diaper changes wherever you go!
Anon. says
At that age, we always did lap child and nursed during takeoff and landing. And usually he napped most of the flight.
Check the car seat.
Have grandparents procure a PNP or portable crib of some sort (borrow from local friends? buy used? buy new) They are relatively inexpensive and a pain to travel with. My mom was also able to borrow other baby containers (swing, etc) from local friends that made the visit easier but weren’t worth buying to live at Grandma’s like the PNP was.
My preference at that size was to baby wear in the airport.
Pack more diapers and snacks than you think you’ll need. At least two fresh outfits for baby and minimum clean shirt for you, pants too if they fit in an easily accessible carry-on as insurance against the blowout.
NYCer says
At that age, we did lap child and gate checked a car seat. We had the Nuna Pipa that could be used without a base though. I don’t think it makes sense for your parents to buy an infant car seat, but if you expect to travel to see them a lot, it might make sense for them to buy a seat that can be used for years. We have a yoyo stroller, so we carried that on the plane (the car seat can click into the yoyo if you have adapters).
Three months is a relatively easy time to fly. You will likely find that your baby will sleep most of the flight, especially if it is short. (But if she doesn’t, you will be fine too!) Bring a lot of diapers and a change of clothes.
I can’t help with the Snoo question, as our baby was out of the Snoo by the time we traveled. Personally, I would consider transitioning out of the snoo before you leave, or at least turn off the motion sensor for a naps.
Anon says
Absolutely buy another ticket and bring the car seat. This is not only a comfort issue but a safety issue! Your child can get seriously hurt during turbulence.