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Anon says
How do you handle when kiddo doesn’t like the camp they are signed up for. One of my 5 year old twins was sooo excited to go to camp while visiting her grandparents at their beach house (we’re here for 3 weeks, kids are in camp for weeks 2 and 3) and she doesn’t like the camp, this is week 2 and she really didn’t want to go this morning bc she says the counselor ‘yells,’ (which in her case could mean the counselor speaks sternly to other kids, her twin sister says the counselor doesn’t yell too loudly). She’s a sensitive kid and on the one hand i think it’s important to learn how to interact with different kinds of people and this makes me super nervous for kindergarten starting next month. We also don’t need the childcare bc we are vacationing, but of course prefer for her to stick it out. Tips?
Anon says
How many days of camp has she done? (If this is week 2, isn’t today her first day? I’m kind of confused on the timeline here.) If I didn’t need childcare and my kid hated the camp I’d probably let her quit after a couple days, but I have a more flexible job than most and view camp as something that should be fun, versus school where they have to go even if they hate it.
I wouldn’t worry about Kindergarten just because of this. Camps tend to be a lot noisier and more chaotic than school.
OP says
sorry this is week 3 of this part of the trip so week 2 of camp. DH is on a month long sabbatical and i took 4 weeks off of work and while we love our kids, 4 weeks with no childcare is not something either of us can handle particularly well. We spent the first 2 weeks with the kids. After today there are 4 more days of camp and then we have Saturday, Sunday and Monday with the kids before flying home on Tuesday. My parents never let me quit a camp growing up, which i have mixed feelings about. She seems to generally have fun and have positive things to say when we pick her up, like when i ask what happened at camp that made you smile, she’ll say everything, but something with this one particular counselor is hard for her
Anon says
Could she switch groups at camp so she has a different counselor?
Anon says
Ah gotcha. I think either choice is fine. You’re not going to scar her for life by making her attend another week but it’s also not going to set a terrible precedent to let her spend more time with you.
Rising K is young for camp (the amount of maturing that happens during the kindergarten year is huge) and it can be a lot tougher to be in camp on what kids perceive as a family vacation vs at home where they see their parents going to work, so whatever choice you make I wouldn’t borrow trouble about any future problems with school or camp.
DLC says
Is it just today or has it been ongoing? i find that Monday is always the day that I get pushback on going to school/camp.
Sometimes with camp if my kid is not having a great time, I will offer to pick them up early. By early I mean 15-30 mins before dismissal.
anon says
We’ve been telling my 6yo she has to go anyway because staying home during the day isn’t an option, but that if she really doesn’t like this camp then we’ll talk about other options for next summer. In our case, she’s generally happy at the end of the day, so I don’t really think it’s a major issue with the camp, but more that transitions are hard, some parts are maybe a little boring, interacting with new kids is exhausting, etc.
Anon says
Could some of this be that she knows you are “home” during the day while her and her sister are at camp? We have to be very careful about telling our 4.5 year old that we aren’t working on days when she is in daycare because she wants to stay home. This may be worse for you in scenario if you aren’t even at your home, but your family is on vacation at grandparents and grandparents are also at home.
Anon says
+1 I’m sure this is a factor.
Anon says
This. I have a very extroverted, outgoing kid who has loved almost every camp she’s ever done, but we tried to do a camp on vacation once and it was a disaster. She understood DH & I weren’t working, and she wanted to be home with us. There was nothing wrong with the camp, or her. It was just a tough situation. We ended up letting her drop out.
OP, I wouldn’t want to watch twin 5 year olds without childcare for four weeks either, but it’s hard to put kids in camp when the rest of the family is on vacation. Maybe rethink this extended stay for next year or ask grandparents to provide some care?
Anonymous says
I’d let her stay home. A good camp counselor is not yelling at 5 year olds.
Anonymous says
Talk to the camp. Usually a quick word with the counselor can change the dynamic. If things aren’t better by weds just let her drop the last few days
Vicky Austin says
I just need to get some BS off my chest: I don’t think DH knows the first thing about parenting. This weekend DS was seriously eying our dinner (because he’s 3.5 months and is suddenly interested in everything) and DH held a forkful up to DS’ mouth. I said, “no, hang on, he’s too young!” and then it turned into a little spat between DH and me about how our grandparents ate solids by 3 months (did they though?). We’ve had similar arguments about screens and safe sleep. Our nanny’s last day before our move is soon and there will be about a week of DH being primary caregiver. Am I freaking out over nothing? How do you get a husband who hates reading to read a baby book? Please talk me down.
Anon says
Yes people ate solids at that age in previous generations but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do now. My husband never read a baby book either, but didn’t fight me when I told him things. Maybe suggest you ask the ped when you disagree? It will get annoying for the ped but whatever.
For the week of him being primary caregiver I would pick your battles. Of the things you listed, safe sleep is by far the most important at this age.
Anonymous says
You tell him being pig ignorant isn’t sexy and you don’t care how he does it but as a father and husband he has to learn how babies work. You tell him he should be ashamed for putting you in this position to begin with.
Anon says
No, you don’t do this because your husband is a person worthy of respect. Ridicule and contempt have no place in resolving disagreement.
Anonymous says
Is he tho?
Anon says
He almost fed the baby one month before most people are advised to and your solution is to treat him like an imbecile? That isn’t how healthy marriages work. It’s not a good dynamic to take on the role of “only I am the expert on the baby” and then talk down to anyone who can’t meet the impossible standards or who mentions ways it could be done differently.
anonM says
+1 to 11:15am anon.
Anon says
Not even one month. Two weeks.
Anonymous says
I thought the standard recommendation was six months, so 2.5 months early. 4 months is outdated by a generation.
Anon says
We were told anywhere between 4-6 months was fine just a few years ago.
Anonymous says
You leave him and date women. I promise you can handle it intimately and it’s so much better.
Esquinkle says
I love this answer. 10/10.
Cb says
Oh no! One of our local orgs did a baby crash course for dads, which shouldn’t be necessary, they should just read the effing book, but it might be useful?
One thing I’ve found helpful is essentially a safe word, if the other person is arguing or not taking things seriously, we say “listen fishy listen”, origins in toddler chat, obviously. That is a signal that we need to break whatever cycle we are in and truly listen and take the other person seriously.
Anon says
So your DH is right that kids used to start solids much younger…but kids also used to not sit in car seats so idk that’s a valid argument when trying to make a point. If your DH won’t read a book, will he read an article, listen to a podcast, read a note from
the pediatrician. We took a class before our kiddos were born and they had a bunch of one pagers on things like safe sleep etc. I’m sure your baby will be absolutely fine while watched by DH for a week, but i do think it could be a good idea to identify some parenting resources you’re both willing to consult
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, refer to the pediatrician. In the beginning, aren’t there a bunch of appointments every few weeks where you get the latest info on where baby should be developmentally? Heading Home with Your Newborn is a book that both husband and I liked – it’s a quick read and informative. Will he really not read up on anything related to this? This is a new skill and it’s good for everyone to learn.
Spirograph says
Agree to ask your pediatrician. My pediatrician has hand-outs they send home at all the well visit appointments. The baby ones cover things like “your child may be ready to start experimenting with purees around [x months]” and also the range of normal for developmental milestones, and important safety reminders like anchoring furniture and using proper car seats. My husband has never read a baby book either, but he listened to my plot summaries and he *did* read the more bite-sized pediatrician materials.
I will say, though… there are not a ton of absolutes in parenting. Although I’m pretty sure current conventional wisdom is to hold off on solids until around 6 months. As long as he’s not trying to feed a baby choking hazards, there may not actually be support for “your side” from a medical standpoint.
Anonymous says
Our ped says 4-6 months depending on readiness (we had two peds from two different health systems and each had this guidance). I know it veered closer to 6 mo but I think it veered back again due to allergy reasons. One of ours was ready at 4 months (sitting without support, dying to eat food) and one of ours was more like 5.
Anon says
My ped said we could start at 4 months but we waited because we were lazy, and solids seemed a lot more complicated than breastfeeding, which was easy by that point. 2018 baby.
Spirograph says
sure! it’s been a minute since I gave this any thought…so my longer view comment is “by the time your baby going into 2nd grade, you will not even remember when you first fed him solid foods, so as long as they don’t choke, it probably doesn’t matter at all.” I know my daughter’s first real food was a smashed banana when we were on vacation, which I only remember because she made an epic face when she tasted it, and she was ~6 months old. I couldn’t tell you for either of my other kids.
An.On. says
My husband is not on baby boards and mom sites like this one and therefore is always taken by surprise by stuff that seems obvious to me since I’ve been chatting with people and going on corporettemoms and hearing about other people’s baby experiences.
That being said, at that age, me and husband would just write down questions on things we didn’t agree on and take it to our pediatrician to settle it for us at the next appointment (can you tell we were first time parents?), and we’d just defer to the “safer” option in the meantime.
AIMS says
I don’t think anyone needs to read a baby book and I think it’s generally beneficial for kids to be exposed to different caregiving styles. That said, your husband seems to be acting like a bit of a know-it-all about this with what sounds like zero basis other than “my grandparents” lore, which is, I think, the real problem. You aren’t going to fix it by getting him to read a book. How do you all resolve differences of opinion generally? For something like food and safe sleep, I would just defer to the pediatrician who is presumably with all the books and best practices. “Doctor said babies cannot start solids until 4 months minimum” or “Doctor said this is unsafe and apparently when babies started to be put down on their back, SIDS rates dropped 25%..” If he is the type who also thinks he knows better than the doctor, I would say you have bigger issues, but this should generally suffice to resolve most debates so long as he trusts the doctor. If he isn’t going to baby appointments already, you should definitely have him go — I really made a point of us both going and him going alone, too, so that I wasn’t just the gatekeeper of all the baby how to information and, instead, we were both learning from the professional.
Anon says
Oh no! I remember being super frustrated with DH for not understanding introducing solids is like a whole science.
I ended up paying for that Feeding Littles videos/course and I made him watch it with me over a weekend. (Honestly 99% of the material is “free” out there. But it was nice to have one course instead of bopping around for info) He was really resistant at first, but he also tends to be more particular about our meals, so he does a lot of the cooking and grocery shopping. Long term it worked out well. Because he knew the same information I did about when to start, choking hazards, what introduce when, what does gagging vs choking look like, etc.
This was actually a pretty good pre-cursor to also learning to work together on potty training, sleep training, etc.
AwayEmily says
My husband and I had a lot of arguments in the first year of our baby’s life over things like that. For us, it wasn’t that he had no idea how to parent, it’s just that we had both internalized a lot of “shoulds” from various sources (our own history, watching friends’ parenting, books, etc) and they weren’t always the same ones. FWIW I think this is pretty normal.
Mary Moo Cow says
Same. I often felt like DH didn’t know anything about parenting, and then I cooled off and thought, why should he? He’s never actually been a parent before and if I feel like all the books didn’t prepare me for this, why am I holding him to a different standard?
I also agree with picking your battles while he is the primary caregiver. DH and I had a similar dynamic in that I went back to work before daycare started and DH took leave for 2 weeks. I was so used to doing everything and having “the way” things were done, we had quite a few spats. Easier said than done, but if you can just let him do it (safely), you will learn to trust him and he will learn to trust himself as a parent. It can set the tone for the division of labor and default parent for a long time, and that tone can be good if you each see each other as competent and caring parents just sometimes with different styles or bad if you see each other as knowing nothing about parenting and letting Mom do all the work since she’s only one who knows how to do it right. (Ask me how I know. :) )
Vicky Austin says
Thank you both – this is really helpful in terms of the relational issue between him and me, which is probably the hardest part.
Anonymous says
I think that you need to make sure that you are in agreement on the basics – health, safety and well being of the child. This, to me, includes an agreement on sleep/sleep schedules and, with a young baby, probably about introducing solid foods.
However, the vast majority of parents truly care about the health, safety and well being of their child, and that is their #1 priority. Everything else will be just fine. My husband parents differently than I do. I would also keep this in mind for all future caregivers, especially if you will use grandparents for babysitting. Grandparents will 100% parent differently than you (I say to my friends “there is a cost to “free babysitting””). With my parents, it’s perhaps more screen time than I’d like (which is usually watching golf). And with my in-laws, more desserts than we’d give). But, in my view, unless you plan to do literally 100% of the parenting/caretaking from now until the end of time, you have to give these other people a chance. (Again, this assumes you trust them and know they’d have your child’s well being, health and safety as priority #1).
It can be really hard, but there is long term benefit to you, and your child will have special memories of their time with just dad.
Vicky Austin says
Thank you for this. We’ve asked the nanny to stay over lunch on her last day and we’ll go to lunch and agree on non-negotiables. I appreciate all the input.
Anon says
I ate solids at 3 months, it was a thing not even that long ago, but I didn’t feed my kids solids at that age. Some of it he’ll learn himself once he’s in charge of the baby all day, like the importance of naps, but I’m not sure how you could get through some basic child development concepts to him if he can’t read books. There are probably videos he could watch but I have no recommendations.
AIMS says
I am pretty “reading books” is not a requirement to raising babies, now or ever. I think some people like reading baby books and some don’t and both are fine. Plenty of other ways to get information, even without -gasp -videos.
I had a longer comment posted that seems to have gone into the void but agree with others to just agree to defer to the pediatrician on this. Make him go with you to appointments where they will go over this stuff (and you can ask questions). If he thinks he knows better than the doctor, then you have bigger issues and you can address those if needed.
Anon says
+1 my husband never read a book and is a great dad. I barely read a book and think I’m a good mom. Books are not the be all, end all.
Anonymous says
Mine also doesn’t like to read. I do the research and will either make cheat sheets or verbally summarize what I’ve read. His side of this agreement is that he doesn’t really second guess much; when he does, agree with others to have the ped arbitrate.
On leaving him alone w/ baby – agree with others on car seats and safe sleep being the big ones (what helped here was me ‘scaring him straight’ with stories I had read in my research). Otherwise, in this era of technology, there is very little that cannot be handled remotely as the need arises. I mean that as in, you don’t need to leave a 10page document explaining how to care for baby and where everything is. If I’m away and DH can’t find the thermometer, he texts me and I explain where it is.
Anonymous says
I don’t read baby books, but I don’t think that makes me a bad parent. I do what the pediatrician tells me to do, use common sense, and try to show/give as much love as possible. I don’t disagree that you should follow pediatrician instructions about solids, but I also think if you’re going to have this attitude about DH’s parenting, you’re in for a really tough road with no breaks for you and a whole lot of unnecessary mental energy spent controlling everything.
Anon says
I agree with this. You don’t need to follow all the “shoulds” out there – there are zillions. Sit down and discuss the non-negotiables (car seat used properly, etc.), make sure you both speak to the pediatrician at regular visits, and then let your husband figure out parenting the same way you are.
Anon says
Agree with this. I think a lot of the blame falls on the parenting influencers who say there’s one right way to feed/sleep train/discipline. A whole industry has been built around new mom anxieties. The reality is that there are a few things you really need to do, like safe sleep and proper car seat use, and everything else is a choice that doesn’t have that much long term impact.
anono says
My husband and I clashed on a lot of parenting things, especially in the baby stage when everything was new and intense and anxieties were high. I really had to learn to back off, choose to trust more, and let him learn to parent. Sure, some things are worth an argument (especially if it’s safety related), but a lot of time, you might be overreacting (there’s a difference between saying “I’m not comfortable with that” vs. “you don’t know the first thing about parenting”).
Here’s what I believe now: You don’t want to send the message that one parent is doing it right and one is wrong. If you are striving for equality, one parent can’t hold all the truth about the right way to do everything. Your husband won’t want to keep helping if he is constantly criticized or ambushed. Children benefit from different relationships and approaches. At least pause to ask yourself if it is worth it to intervene and it’s not just an outsized fear reaction. You will get very tired and be full of resentment if you take the attitude that “he knows nothing” or “he’s about to harm my kids.” Keep the long-term perspective in mind.
Anon says
“At least pause to ask yourself if it is worth it to intervene and it’s not just an outsized fear reaction.”
Absolutely this. This is why I hate parenting Instagram in particular – it tries to make you fear everything so you’ll click (“is it safe for kids to….” with the info hidden after the jump). Fear-driven parenting and fear-driven control makes a family miserable.
Anon says
Did you take an infant care course during pregnancy? I found it really helpful since I had little exposure to babies before my own. Probably too late to do before the move, but could you look for one in your new city? You could sell it to him as a way to meet other new parents
anon says
My sole qualification to answer this is that I have three kids (and a fourth on the way) and still have a great relationship with my husband, but: You start by reminding yourself that your husband loves your baby, and cares about your baby’s safety and health, just as much as you do. Repeat this as often as you need to until you believe it. The dynamic that you know everything about parenting and your husband knows nothing is absolutely toxic to your relationship, so you have to break out of that. You’re *both* first-time parents, and you started from the same knowledge base (unless you did a lot of babysitting and nannying before you had kids).
Step two is to get yourself to a place where you can mentally distinguish between critical safety issues (safe sleep, choking, car seat fitting) and parenting preferences (screen time, how to soothe baby, diapering issues). The first set of issues are ones where there truly is a “right” way to do things, and you both need to know what that is; this is where I would probably lean heavily on the pediatrician’s office for help. The second set are things where there isn’t necessarily a right way, and you guys either need to agree on what you prefer as parents, or agree that you’ll handle these differently depending on who is caregiving at any given time. You both need to be putting baby down on her back without stuffed animals in the bassinet; you do not need to be aligned on whether you change her the instant she pees or wait a bit.
Step three is to have a calm conversation about this stuff at a time when you aren’t emotionally worked up and you’re able to listen non-judgmentally to how your husband feels about both these issues *and* the interactions you’re having around them. As part of that conversation, you can talk about the easiest way for him to digest guidance on critical issues (maybe it’s websites, handouts from the pediatrician, etc. – I never read a parenting book) and how you all should make decisions on the issues that are choices.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Sorry about the trolls up thread. It sounds like you’ve done most of the emotional labor around coming up-to-speed. Ideally, he should take your lead and ask questions as needed. However, as the lead on emo labor around this topic, I found the “questions” made me feel like I was being questionED because I was already on edge due to the emotional labor, lack of sleep, breastfeeding, etc. If you feel the same, communicate this to him. I also agree that it’s a great opportunity to message your ped.
Maybe he won’t read a baby book (if your ped/EMR has these), he can read the after visit summaries of appointments that often have the 1-2 pages of guidance. Otherwise, ask your ped for some quick pamphlets or PDFs of newborn/baby care.
Anon says
Yes, definitely be wary of criticisms disguised as questions, too. “Is there a reason you’re not changing the baby’s diaper right away?” with a tone is very passive aggressive, for example. But unfortunately all too common. A real question might be something like “I’ve noticed that I tend to rush to change the diaper ASAP and you tend to wait about 20 minutes. It seems that either way is fine from what I’ve seen, but have you noticed any diaper rash we should be aware of?”
Anon says
You are both first time parents. He’s not going to magically know how to parent. Neither are you.
Focus on following the most modern science (your ped’s recommendations) on the non-negotiable safety issues (safe sleep, carseats, some food things) but you’ll both need flexibility and grace to figure out the rest. Aside from the few non-negotiable safety pieces, a lot of parenting really is up to parental discretion. There’s no right or wrong way to do a lot of it.
Babies start soft / pureed foods between 4 and 6 months; personally (and depending on what you were having) I wouldn’t be opposed to giving DS a “taste” (aka if you were having something with sauce, putting some sauce on your finger and letting DH taste it) at 3.5 months. On the flip side, obviously handing a forkful up for a 3.5 month baby is not a wise or safe decision.
Safe sleep is a non-negotiable. Same with car seat safety.
There’s a LOT of leeway for screens, food, and other things.
Decide on your non-negotiables, follow your ped’s advice, and then work with DH to set your own rules.
DH is the baby’s father and he should have equal say on how you’re raising your child (unless he’s being unsafe). Freaking out about the baby’s parent being the primary caregiver does not bode well for the rest of your marriage.
Anon says
Maybe our pediatrician was super proactive, and DH attends all the medical appointments barring an emergency, but they walk through all of that and had little one page fact sheets for each new stage- safe sleep, allergens, solids, walking/ gross motor skills, talking.
It made it really helpful to have the ped tell him all the info and give him a one pager instead of me harassing him.
Toddlerhood and parenting styles is a whole other beast though. Most of which is philosophy and style.
Fwiw I solo parent once a month and for several straight weeks a year (military reserve wife) and husband solo parents a couple nights straight once a quarter and other than straight up safety issues, anything goes. I think if your husband is feeding soft solids like canned veggies or soft fruit I wouldn’t be too worried.
Bette says
I’m late to this so you may not see it, but something that really helped us in similar situations was to agree on a third party “expert” that we would both look to as the final word on stuff (so I wasn’t constantly having to convince my husband of the reasons for doing something – he’s an academic – I felt like at first I was expected to provide peer reviewed studies for every single little thing!!) For sleep it was Taking Cara Babies, for eating it was Solid Starts, for general parenting its Big Little Feelings. He also has followed at least the BLF ladies on Instagram so even though he’s never read a parenting book and he never will, he’s getting the basics through his preferred channels. I guess this is similar to the advice of calling in the pediatrician, but maybe there’s a way that you and your husband can just agree to basically outsource the decision making/structure of these big things by choosing a source you both trust and agree to follow?
I know it’s super frustrating to feel like you should even have to do this in the first place.
Anon says
None of those people are really “experts.” Solid Starts is particularly bad and clearly has an eating disorder that she’s doing her best to pass on to her kids. They are also all extremely aggressive about their way being the only right way, which is total BS. A ped is a more balanced source of info and will likely tell you basic, widely accepted info (like timing of when to start solids) without implying you’ll f*ck your kid up for life if you feed them a purée.
Vicky Austin says
I so appreciate this, Betsy. I’ve thought about doing something similar and it’s reassuring that this has worked for you! And thank you for the empathy!
anon says
I didn’t like maternity leggings, I felt like anything over the bump just fell down. I wore my normal leggings most of the time and sized up in the 3rd trimester.
Can someone please explain the appeal of Scout bags? They are everywhere at my suburban pool. I was at a boutique this weekend and looked at one up close, and to me it had the consistency of a Trader Joe’s shopping bag yet retailed for $100. I’m still carrying my 5 year old LL bean tote here so maybe I’m behind on trends. I similarly don’t get Bogg bags; they look like a Crocs purse to me but I get the appeal of having water drain out.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I just googled the Scout bag. I haven’t seen them as much in the wild (we frequent the pool at the Y or friends’ homes), but I agree they look like a reusable grocery bag with more structure. I have seen the Boggs bag which seems cumbersome tbqh. I use a mesh beach bag for the drain factor, and it has so many pockets, including an internal one where I store goggles and sunscreen.
Caveat, I love trends/style for myself because it’s fun, but I don’t really follow it for functional kid/family stuff.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Is yours this: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07T7SL5H4/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I love this bag for the beach and pool! So many pockets!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Not the same exact bag, but exact same concept! I bought it for the beach but it’s so great for pool time, too. It fits so much, and is easy to stay organized because…pockets!
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B092MQYG7D/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
TheElms says
I think the appeal of Scout bags is that they are light and wipeable so if they get gross you just rinse/wipe them out. They shouldn’t be $100 though. The ones I looked at were $60-$80. I thought hard about getting one, but I find the handle too short. Instead I use the .99 Ikea blue bag (or maybe its $1.99 now!) and it works just as well and has nice long handles.
I don’t get the Bogg bag at all — its not big enough for 4 towels and floaties and pool toys and sunscreen and swim diapers. I’d need it plus another bag plus a soft cooler and that with two kids is more than I can handle. Maybe it works when kids are older and you have less to carry or they might carry their own stuff.
AwayEmily says
We use the Ikea blue bag for laundry transport! we have hampers in each of our rooms, then when it’s time to take the laundry to the basement to wash we carry it in the bags. I LOVE them for that because like you say the handles are longer so you can put it over your shoulder.
Vicky Austin says
Long live the blue IKEA bag!
Anon says
I have a Bogg bag (it was a gift) and i like it but am not obsessed with it.it’s heavy. But it’s water proof and the bottom is good to put down if the ground is wet. I think the appeal of Scout bags is the various sizes, pockets, waterproof material, they are light and zip. To me I’ve never understood an LL Bean tote for the pool bc of the material, but if it works for you, no reason to switch. . I have a HUGE bag from a company that went out of business that was made from the same material as sails of sail boats, which i love bc it’s super heavy.
Anonymous says
The bogg bags are the IT bag at my pool club. They’re just so heavy, and even the big ones don’t seem like they hold enough (four towels, sunscreen, multiple water bottles). I’m team LL Bean tote, so I am also biased.
AIMS says
Just looked and yes they are $49 online unless the bigger ones are more?
In NYC wilds, I am seeing huge Hulken bags. I have to admit I am intrigued but mostly because they come on wheels and I still miss having a stroller to schlep things in and am sincerely excited to be old enough for an old lady cart.
Anon says
I was prepared to snark on this but I googled and I think they are really cute! And look way more structured than a grocery bag. And yes I’m seeing them for $49, on sale for ~$35, not $100.
Anonymous says
I have 2 scout bags and they are the big ones and were at most $65.
They are lightweight and fit towels for a family of 5- much better than my LLbean XL tote. They also don’t get wet so are great for poolside and Sandy beaches.
AwayEmily says
I feel a little silly asking this for my third kid but how do I wean a slightly older baby/young toddler? My first two kids I weaned easily at just over a year — I was nursing them only in the AM, then went on a work trip and stopped entirely. I *planned* on doing that again, but the baby kept getting sick before I went on various trips so I didn’t have the heart to do it. Now she’s almost 18 months and still happily nursing in the morning and night. And it feels so much harder now because she takes SUCH joy in it in a way that younger babies can’t quite express. She gives me giant heart-eye smiles when she switches sides, she happily sighs “Nyuk!” (her word for milk) when we settle into our rocker, etc. Anyway, ideas for how to slow her milky roll? I’m ready.
Anon says
Yours sounds more committed to it than mine was, but we did “don’t offer, don’t refuse” at 18 months and it was very smooth.
AIMS says
Along these lines, maybe you can switch up your morning/evening routine for a little while to have dad put her to bed to break up the association?
Anonymous says
Drop morning first by taking her straight down to breakfast and giving a sippy of milk. I introduced milk sippy at bedtime prior to weaning, and then I used a work trip to fully wean. When I got back and he would ask, I’d say, “We don’t do that anymore – we do sippy!” He was pretty upset for about a week, but he did accept it. I think he was less attached to his milk sippy than his big brother who weaned earlier – he was kinda like, “well if I don’t get my milkies then I’m not drinking anything! F you guys!” This ended up with him being more attached to juice which I’m not thrilled with, so maybe watch out for that? good luck! I know how it feels – you want to be done but you also love it.
AwayEmily says
Yes that is EXACTLY how it feels. Thank you for the advice and for the understanding.
GCA says
DD was nearly 2 (Covid toddler, at home with us) when she weaned, and boy was she p*ssed about it! I had to playact with her stuffed dog not getting any milk and accepting snuggles instead of crying about it, which sent her into fits of giggles. She’s nearly 5 now and doesn’t remember a thing about this, so it’s highly unlikely you’ll scar your kid for life :)
Anonymous says
I’ve posted this before, but when I weaned my son around 2.5, I thought he was still super into it. I explained we would not be doing that anymore at bedtime–I think we had dropped morning by then–but would do songs and snuggles instead. The first night, he asked, and I reminded him, and then he was like, “oh okay,” and never asked again. I was shocked. YMMV but it may not be as hard as you are anticipating!
Anon says
My husband’s former grad student has been staying with us since Friday. He’s a nice guy and basically an uncle to my kids at this point, but he and my husband are acting like 20-something frat boys, coming home tipsy late at night and waking me up after I’ve been solo parenting all day and it’s incredibly annoying. Counting the days until he leaves.
Anonymous says
As a higher Ed lawyer, I hate this
Cb says
I’ve definitely puppy-sat for my PhD supervisor and we go out for overpriced cocktails whenever we’re in the same city now that I’ve finished, but boundaries still exist.
anon says
Just out of curiosity, why do you hate this as a higher ed lawyer? OP said it is her husband’s *former* student. Is hanging out with former students forbidden? Genuine question.
OP – I am sorry, that stinks. Hopefully his stay isn’t much longer!
Anonymous says
I don’t think there’s anything illegal about it, but a prof hanging out repeatedly drunk late at night with someone he used to be in a position of power over to me suggests that there was a less than professional relationship while they were still professor student.
Anon says
Nah, there was/is nothing improper. It’s totally normal to go to bars with visiting colleagues. They aren’t hammered, it’s more like just drunk enough to laugh a little too loudly and wake up me, who is a light sleeper. Annoying as the spouse, but zero impropriety from a professional standpoint.
Anonymous says
Great!
Anon says
OP here, I’m also a higher ed lawyer and I don’t think there’s anything illegal or improper about it. Former grad student is now a TT prof at a different institution, and (at least in my husband’s field) it’s quite common to stay with colleagues on research visits to save money on travel costs. We’ve hosted many people. But this guy just has such a 23 year old personality (even though he’s 35) and is not my favorite house guest. At least my kids are thrilled he’s here.
Boston Legal Eagle says
What is your summer weekend vibe and has it changed since kids have gotten older? A few years ago (post Covid, when things were open again), we spent most summer weekends outside of the house going to zoos, playgrounds, water parks, etc., because my kids needed to be out of the house, especially the older one. Well, we spent most of yesterday hanging out at home, and it was actually nice. Kids are old enough (7 and 4.5) to do more complex activities like jigsaw puzzles, fuse beads and legos, along with backyard play. I think my husband enjoys being a homebody more than me, as I do think it’s nice to get out and enjoy the weather and easier schedule in the summer to do day trips, but yesterday felt nice too.
AwayEmily says
ooooo great question. I really wish we could do more puttering around the house on weekends (I’m more like your husband) but for whatever reason the dynamic just does not work when we are all home. The big kids tend to argue, the toddler gets stir-crazy…everyone is happier when we get out of the house. This weekend we did a playground Saturday morning, then a local tiny carnival in the afternoon. On Sunday we went to my mom’s house and went swimming in the lake there. Generally we try to get each of the adults at least a few hours of alone time, so one parent will take all 3 kids somewhere at some point.
Anon says
Trying to figure that out…summer feels SO short to me now that we’re on the K-12 calendar, only 10 weeks. We spend a decent chunk of it traveling/visiting family, so the weekends at home just fly by. As kids get older, I’m trying to do more ‘adventures’ (like pool, ice cream, etc) on weeknights so we can have quieter weekends at home.
Cb says
During the school year, we’ve got swim and music at the weekend. Due to travel, we are only home for 3/7 summer weekends but I think my son’s been craving some chill at home time, especially now he’s reunited with his toys. We got home late Thursday after 3 weeks of travel. Saturday AM, he was complaining about being tired/having a stomach ache, which I think is code for “I just need a chill…” so we obliged and he basically ignored us for most of the day, doing lego, art projects, testing out his new bike. We’re away the coming weekend, the weekend after that, my parents are here, followed by my BIL, so trying to figure out some chill time amidst the chaos.
I saw the discussion on TV last week, but didn’t chime in, but we make TV on the weekends contingent on having “rest” time in his room and doing his reading, and start it about 4. So basically, from 3, we get a proper break (rest, tv, dinner, bed).
Boston Legal Eagle says
Haha, I feel like I always want to travel a bit more on the weekends, but the actual getting ready for travel and being away from home stresses me out! So our only trips this summer are beach weeks at the beginning and end, which we drove/will drive to.
Cb says
I couldn’t do lots of shorter trips, the packing/preparation would drive me up the wall, but we had 3 weeks in Portugal and then have another 6 day beach trip. I’m finding time very fragmented at the moment (not helped by the fact that I know I need to go pack up my room/office and haven’t decided when to do this). Next year, I’m having fewer house guests.
OOO says
I’m like you OP, I like to get out and do things on the weekends, but my toddler is content staying at home and playing with his toys. I’m solo parenting this week and fighting the urge to fill our week with activities when I know it will be easier if I follow DS’s lead and stick to our usual routine
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I tend to get bored at home, even if my kids may not be. My older kid used to be my excuse because he was active and needed to be out, but now a little less so. Husband complains that the pool is too crowded but the kids love it so I make us all go (and we can spend hours there).
Anon says
My Husband and kids are also total homebodies. I like to get out of the house, though.
For example, during the summer, when I’m home, I’ll take the kids to the pool. Yesterday I was working and the kids wanted to go to the pool. My husband set up three sprinklers in the backyard instead.
I like summer concerts outdoors and outdoor theatre and festivals and other summer specific events, so I do look for things to do outside the house.
I’m not above having a lazy day at home – I like a good laze and putter or even an all day movie marathon- but I will usually suggest we go out for dinner if it’s suddenly 3pm on a Saturday and we haven’t left the house yet.
I find that the older my kids get the more they get a sense of flow about their playing so it is harder to get them to leave the house. The three year old always is the first to put their shoes on when I suggest and outing, and the six year old says, “But I’m plaaaaaying!!!” Of course my 11 year old sullenly resists leaving the the house at all, so there’s that.
Anon says
I realized a few years ago that “puttering” is the worst way to spend a weekend for me. I had grown up spending a lot of time (entire summers) with relatives who would diddle around indoors on beautiful summer days with a gorgeous lake and boat nearby and it made me so miserable, but at the same time, I internalized that that was how normal families spent time. It took me a while to figure out that having fun summer plans requires planning – and it doesn’t take much. I can sit down and within 40 minutes, have a weekend trip to a state park planned and on the calendar. In 20 minutes, I can make a short list of 15 local summer places/events I’d like to go to so when an opportunity comes up and I have nothing on the schedule, I have some great options at my fingertips. I’m a million times happier when I don’t blow my precious weekends “puttering,” accomplishing nothing and having no real fun.
The times we ARE at home, I focus on what’s actually enjoyable – so not chores or organizing, but reading a great book or watching a movie as a family. I’m a firm believer that you should not let chores expand to fill a Saturday.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ours has changed as kids got older (now 8 and almost 6) but also because of moving to a new neighborhood. Toddler/early elementary in the covid years meant far fewer birthday parties on the weekends; last summer, we had 9 birthday parties over the summer and this year we have 6. So birthday parties are usually a once/twice a month Saturday or Sunday activity. They also missed out on eating in restaurants, so they’ve aged into that but we’re still working on building the social skills of a sit-down restaurant. DH would eat out for lunch and dinner both weekends, but we usually do lunch after church on Sunday since we’re out and then come home. Kids are more willing to stay out than head out.
We also moved to a neighborhood with a pool, so instead of staying at home with an inflatable pool or going to splash pad, we spend 3 hours at the pool both days. (Just yesterday a neighbor asked if we wanted to go to the splash pad, and I was like, why? We have a pool! Kids and I are not fond of crowds.)
For the past 2 years or so, my kids have gotten into playing with each other and like each other’s company, so we stay at home more or for longer chunks of time so they can play. I try to have a neighborhood friend over a few times a month so they have playmates and I have chore catch up time. DH is more of a get-outter, so he usually runs errands (even just to get coffee or the library) during this time.
We are working on compromising. Kids and I are more homebodies, but I see that kids bicker less and I have more fun if we have one or two activities outside of the house on a weekend. DH’s compromise is that we stay home as a family a bit more and he has to do some errands on his own.
Anonymous says
This weekend my husband took my 10 year old into Boston for a fun day trip and I hung home with the younger two. Middle has two birthday parties. I dropped her at the first and took youngest to the childrens museum. Picked up from the bday party, went home for a bit of downtime then took both kids to the second bday party which was a pool/bbq and the 3 of SYS stayed for burgers and a cocktail. Brought them home and had a little movie night. DH and oldest rolled in at 9pm.
On Sunday oldest had softball until 10. After that we headed to the beach for the day. Had lunch at the beach and dinner at a nearby seafood shack. Hi
Anon says
Hi!
I know that “hi” at the end was autocorrect but it made me smile :)
Anon says
We spend a lot of time not at home, but we aren’t necessarily doing something. We go to the pool a LOT, go to the park, go out to each somewhere casual and sit outside, go to my parents’ or a family friend’s house for a cookout, go out for ice cream. So, we’re not home a ton but we’re not doing an elaborate outing either.
CCLA says
My kids are similar ages, and we try to do a mix, but definitely agree that it’s easier to have a satisfying home weekend day now vs when they were smaller. At least one weekend a month we’re traveling somewhere, doesn’t have to be huge but has to be overnight (there are a lot of great places that are ~2hours away so we do a lot of weekend trips), and about one weekend a month DH is on call which often means he’s working a few hours each day so I tend to mail it in those days and use those for the puzzles and crafting and movies (though I did take them solo to the beach this weekend and it was amazing, they are so much easier now).
When DH is not on call and we’re home and don’t have visitors, we like to get out of the house at least one day for something active. I do love the home days more now than when they were smaller, but I find if puttering around home comprises more than one day of a weekend I come away feeling less refreshed from the weekend. School year weekends are the same except mix in lots of bday parties. So many parties. But they mostly take the place of the puttering time, not the active time.
Spirograph says
We have a lot going on during the school year, so we keep at-home summer weekends as lazy as possible. Luckily we have awesome neighbors so we can be social and lazy at the same time. We try to leave the house at least once a day, but church counts, and so do local hikes & bike rides. We save zoo & museum trips for not-summer to avoid the crowds of tourists in DC. This last weekend was pretty par for the course: subset of kids biked with me to the library & played in the creek on the way home, kids spent the rest of the day playing with each other and/or neighbor friends while adults chilled/did stuff around the house. Sunday was church, then met friends at the neighborhood pool, and DH and I hung out with the neighbors outdoors for a bit after the kids went to bed. DH and I each ran an errand or two with a kid “helper” somewhere in there.
Anonymous says
Has anyone been to Madeira by any chance? Going with a 7yo in August for a week on a whim (found a cheap flight last minute!) and would welcome any suggestions :-)
Anon says
No, but it’s on my list! Portugal is very kid-friendly, I’m sure you’ll have a great time. Would love a trip report when you get back.
anon says
I do not have any specific recs for you, but I have a friend who went a couple summers ago and liked it so much they went back the following summer too. Based on pics, it looks like there is great hiking if your 7yo is up for that.
Spirograph says
Yes! Only for a day, because it was a stop on a transatlantic cruise. It was so long ago that I don’t really trust myself with any specific recommendations, but I remember liking it a lot. Funchal was fun & interesting to walk around in the way many old colonial outposts are, and we went to a botanical garden that was amazingly lush and gorgeous. Enjoy!
Anon4 says
Yes! Just went a few years ago. My trip was heavily hiking focused, the island is absolutely stunning. Everything was surprisingly affordable. I definitely recommend guided hiking trips from Funchal – double check the length and ability level for the 7 year old.
Walking around Funchal is great – there is not a “beach” but there is a little municipal swimming hole that is fun in the older part of town. Driving was not too difficult if you wanted to rent a car and get out of Funchal for a day. Basically you can’t go wrong. Have a great time!
Anonymous says
Yes! My husband and I went pre kids in 2019. I can’t remember too many specifics but we did a ton of hiking. We stayed at two places, both amazing. It’s such an under the radar place but we’d absolutely go back. I’m not sure which hikes a 7 year old could do but definitely look into it. For the one long hard hike we parked our car at the end then hired a cab to drive us to the beginning. The roads are wacky but it was great to have a car, especially as Funchal was the least memorable part for us. I did most of my research on trip advisor forums I think. If you have specific questions definitely post them.
Anonymous says
Thank you all so much! I’m really excited now! Kid is a willing hiker but will make sure to check difficulty levels. I’ll report back!
Anonymous says
I am wondering if this happens in another else’s local area/ neighborhood. I’m a member of my local neighborhood mom’s Facebook group. It’s really quite tame/minimal arguments and has a lot of valuable information. However, I have recently noticed an uptick in posts where people are asking for breast milk (not where people are offering it up, just people straight up asking if anyone has extra). Often people respond that they have X amount in their freezer stash. While I am all about sharing resources and supporting other moms…. When my child was and infant (now 3) I was breastfeeding and if I ran out of breast milk; the backup was formula (which I used when I returned to work so I didn’t have to pump) not another person’s breast milk. I understand that various formulas don’t work for certain babies/families, but it just strikes me as odd that you’d take breast milk from another person (where you truly don’t know the cleanliness practices of that house/storage practices, let alone if you needed to eliminate/avoid certain foods from your own diet due to a baby’s sensitivity, you don’t know if that person had that food), let alone you don’t control that supply, so it’s not a reliable source. Is this something that other people see in their neighborhoods, or is this just something that have become accepted practice in my local area?
Anon says
Yes it’s common in my area. I would never do it, but it’s a thing.
Cb says
Totally appreciate there is no right answer but I’m curious. How often do you see grandparents during the year? Assuming reasonable proximity, resources and good health?
My MIL is grumbling that my parents get more time, but she’s been up 3 times to hang out with my son and took a short trip with my husband. Think the news that my parents were coming for my son’s birthday pushed her over the edge, and husband has now appeased her with an invite for September and a promise of a visit in October. Christmas at my parents is a given – it’s also my bday and I’ve got terrible SAD and 10 days further south makes a huge difference. Typically, she comes when I’m in work city for a longer stint but I’ll be home more and the office/guest room overlap will get annoying.
anon says
I think we’re on the way low end of time with grandparents. Health and resources aren’t limiting factors for us, but one set lives an 8-hour drive/1.5-hour flight away and the others live in Europe, so an expensive 6+-hour flight.
We see the US grandparents 3-5 times during the year (Thanksgiving at their house, Christmas at their house every-other year, summer trip with all siblings and grandkids, often a spring break trip just us and them, and they usually come visit us for a long weekend in the fall.)
We see set B a minimum of 2 times per year (1-2 weeks in the summer and 5-10 days at Christmas), plus if they’re in the States for work or whatever they’ll try to stop by for a couple nights.
Anon says
That actually seems like a lot of grandparent time to me, considering the distance.
GCA says
This is about where we are, but my parents are in Asia so we see them once a year, if that. We see US grandparents 2-3 times during the year (a week in summer, MIL or FIL comes to visit if they are in town for work or caring for other family, etc). But my parents see their other grandkids weekly year-round!
Anonymous says
We see my dad for 1 week in the summer and 1 week at Christmas, and maybe a long weekend in spring or fall if we get our act together. He still works part time and likes to take big trips with his vacation days, so he doesn’t come see us, we have to go to him (luckily he lives in an apartment building with a pool and playground). We see my in laws probably 8-10 long weekends a year. They live closer to us, are retired, and love coming to visit for a few days whenever they can. I don’t think either side is jealous of the other, but I do think my in-laws probably wish they could do Christmas with us.
OOO says
We see each set of grandparents approximately once a month. They live 1-3 hours away so for many weekends/holidays we are staying at their house or they are staying at ours. That means that we are spending two out of every four weeks with grandparents, which is fine with me because they are all really great with DS. Plus they live in interesting areas (one is in the city, one is on a lake) so our visits feel like mini-vacations. The grandparent scorekeeping is real, though. If we invited one set of grandparents to kid’s birthday we would have to invite the other one too to avoid hurt feelings.
Anon says
My parents are local and currently see our 5 year old almost every day with sleepovers almost every weekend. This will increase with kid starting kindergarten since they’re officially providing aftercare and summer care. We typically take a vacation with them once or twice a year.
My in-laws are a short flight away and we usually see them a few times a year for a long weekend. DH is taking kiddo there by himself for the first time in September, and I’m hoping this can become a regular occurrence. They live in NYC and have a one bedroom apartment. If it’s just DH + kid they can stay at my in-laws but I insist on a hotel (I’m almost 40 and done sleeping on couches) which makes the trip way more expensive. I enjoy hosting my MIL but FIL is very difficult and is no longer welcome at our house after a recent incident. We vacationed with them once and it was horrible. I’m never doing it again although DH is welcome to.
Cb says
Sometimes my husband takes my son to London and it’s glorious! I travel a lot for work but am so rarely home alone and I got so much done!
Anon says
It was going to be the first time I was alone in my house overnight since my child was born. I was so pumped! But now I have to go out of town for something. Oh well.
Anon says
This is really hard, in my opinion, where both sets of grandparents are reasonably equal on all fronts. Especially with holidays. I think it is reasonable for one set of grandparents to be a bit upset that the other set of grandparents were invited to the child’s birthday and will get to spend Christmas with him. Possible solutions would be invite both sets of grandparents for the birthday celebration, but take the office/guest room off the table so both are treated equally as far as accommodations. Are your parents also staying in the office/guest room? Is it just as annoying for you when they stay during those periods of time?
Cb says
Yeah, it’s tricky. The birthday is awkward, my husband said “You can come next year” and her partner piped up “Oh, but we always have this and that on in August…” Think we’re just going to go away next year and avoid the whole drama.
My parents are generally more helpful, they like to do the school run and then go have coffee, wander through the shops, so generally aren’t back til lunch (which they shop for and make). Then they’ll read, take a nap, potter around before going to do the school run.
My son is reaching the age where my dad could come and pick him up and take them to their country for a few weeks. My MIL would like to do the same but we wouldn’t feel safe doing so until my son is more independent as her vision is quite bad, she often gets lost, yet she’s still driving. So there’s another source of potential grievance.
My 2nd MIL wants to be pampered, refuses to get up before 9, plays drums outside your office door and has shouty phone calls, complains that her toast is not toasted enough, but luckily only comes 1x a year. She and my husband have a difficult step-parent dynamic so it’s added tension.
Anon says
Yep, we’re a similar boat. My mom has babysat my child alone since infancy, and has been taking her for overnights since she was 3. We do not trust my in-laws to be alone with her. My MIL is kind but daffy and almost seems like she has early stage dementia (thankfully it doesn’t seem to be progressing, I think it may just be her personality) and my FIL is a menace. It’s a huge sore point for them, my MIL especially, but our child’s safety is more important than their feelings.
anon says
+1 Bazillion to your last statement.
Anonymous says
My parents are in town. We see my mum a couple of times a week as she stops in or takes the baby for some grandma time. We go over to theirs for the afternoon or dinner about twice a month. On the other side, my MIL is dead and FIL lives on the other side of the world. We see him every few years if he’s in the area for other reasons. He’s meeting the baby for the first time later this summer though.
Anon says
We see both sets roughly weekly. They both live nearby, are healthy, semi-retired, and enjoy spending time with the grandkids. They’re also both healthy enough to babysit the kids regularly. We use them as random day off of school or aftercare babysitters, but very rarely use them as weekend night babysitters (because I think it’s good for the kids to get used to a wide variety of caregivers but also because we go out every Saturday night and I don’t want to burden the grandparents). The exception to that is if we’re out of town, then they’ll stay at the grandparents house for an overnight.
They get along well enough, so if we’re doing some family event they both get the invite. Likewise, we share the kids’ activity schedules with the grandparents; they come to games / recitals / whatever as it’s convenient for them. We don’t usually coordinate this, we just show up and sometimes see a grandparent there.
Anon says
Why can’t both sides come for the birthday? We always invite both sides for birthdays and other big events.
Cb says
My parents are here to help us cover the week before school starts, as for some stupid reason, no camps run that week?
I guess it never occurred to me that we should invite non-local grandparents to a kid’s party? It’s just 6 of my son’s pals so if we invited all the grandparents, the adults would outnumber the kids?
Anon says
If your parents are there anyway, it seems fine to me. My parents are local and attend a lot more in the way of big events like birthdays and dance recitals than my in-laws do. It’s just the nature of having parents who are local or (in your case) visit frequently to provide childcare.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
My family/most extended family is local. One of my parents is not alive, and the other my kids see at least 1x/weekly, if not a few times. For example, they are going to DS #2s “end of summer” party in a few weeks because DH nor I can swing it. DH is going out of town and my parent will just stay with us for a few days to help me out. I’m so grateful to have this time with them.
My MIL is a few states away (quick flight/long drive). We see her a few times/year – holidays, long weekends, etc. She used to come stay with us for longer stretches 2x/year even pre-kids as her vacation. No, I did not like being her vacation destination, but this was something that started before DH and I were together.
After we had kids, and once she retired, she continued to make these trips, and then there was one very bad stretch a few years ago where she stayed for ~12 weeks to “help out with the baby” and caused a lot of mental distress/drama to DH and I in a very already tough time. That being said, a lot of healing and work has happened since then for all parties, and I’m WAY better at boundaries now, DH and I have a code for when she annoys us, etc….and she’s coming back in a few weeks to stay for a month to spend QT with DS #1 before he starts K. We’ll be at an all-inclusive resort for a chunk of her time here…so…I’m hoping for the best.
My FIL (DH’s parents are divorced) actually lived with for some time recently after splitting from a partner. It was lovely on many fronts. He’s remarried and he and new wife will come visit in September – I think we’ll mostly see them a few times a year on long weekends/holidays or dedicated family trips.
Anon says
We live flying distance (3.5-4.5 hour flights) from both sets. Fortunately both can afford to fly to visit us. When we visit my dad he generously pays for our flights. Both my dad and FIL still work. The Covid years were different, but this calendar year we will probably see my dad 7 times and my in-laws 5 times, maybe 6. Visits are usually a minimum of 3 days. I’m the OP above and my in-laws have a beach house so we’re spending more time with them here, this summer but fortunately my dad gets it and we’ll spend a week at his house around thanksgiving (‘y mom passed away a few years ago). My in-laws used to be more helpful with the kids, but now my dad is actually more helpful and i feel like my in-laws are fair weather grandparents
Spirograph says
All grandparents are divorced and out of state. My mom is the closest at a ~5 hour drive, and we see her every month or two. Usually she just drives out and stays with us for a couple days. We got to her in the summer and at Thanksgiving. My kids also each get a week of “Camp Grandma” in the summer. We see the others once or twice a year. We usually kill 2 birds with one stone and invite them (and pay for, in the case of MIL) to come on vacations with us. This makes vacations less relaxing for me and my husband, but we’re both very Dutiful Children and the kids like to spend time with their grandparents, so we make it work.
Anon says
Roughly weekly. Both for fun and because someone is helping someone out (grandparents watching the kids, or us helping them with housework we’d rather them no longer do). If we’re both free on a Friday night, we often have them over for pizza or grilling out. My parents also make an effort to come to soccer games or summer swim meets pretty regularly.
I did purposely relocate back to my home city because I wanted my kids to see my parents regularly. I think grandparent-grandchild relationships are so special (when everyone is reasonable and gets along!)
anonM says
The kids have three sets of grandparents because DH’s parents both remarried. One lives an hour away by the beach, so we seem much more during the summer, probably 2x/mo, but maybe once a month or less during the winter (it’s a bad drive in snow, for example, but only 1.5hrs away). We see my mom a lot, 1-2x/week, once is for her “grandma day” of all-day-babysitting. Other in-laws probably 1x/mo, less than half hour drive. We usually get together for birthday dinners/father’s day/holidays etc. But, we aren’t hosting them overnight so it’s a different situation. And, we see my mom more in part because she does a lot of childcare coverage for us and also because she lives alone so it’s mutually beneficial to have her extra help/she loves kids.
Anon says
My parents live a 10 hour drive away, and are retired. We see them 2-3 times per year for 1.5-2ish weeks per visit (they come and stay with us and drive to bring their dog). We haven’t been down to see them at their house since pandemic b/c of combination of births/kids too young to be vaccinated and don’t want to put them on a plane/kids with carsickness.
My in-laws live a 3.5 hour flight away and are not retired (and do not get paid if they do not work – and they need the money). We pay for their flights to see us, generally once a year. My husband does not want them to visit more frequently b/c they drive him bonkers.
Anonymous says
For those of you with kids with ADHD, how do you talk about the ADHD kid’s behavior with his/her siblings? My 7 year old’s ADHD has recently been really hard on siblings. She has been having really hard bedtimes that just suck the energy out of the entire household no matter how we divide up or the strategies we use.
We try to avoid doing this at all costs, but every once in a while there is an unavoidable long car trip when ADHD kid is tired and it is just full meltdown city in the car. We had a long day driving home from the beach yesterday and there was traffic and about 20 minutes from home 7 y/o was yell-screaming “I’m bored” nonstop and drove us all f*cking crazy. My other kids are 5 and 10.
Also, we do a lot of “don’t sweat the small stuff” with 7 y/o and we don’t allow our other, neurotypical, kids to get away with those same behaviors. In many ways our year old is better behaved than her big sister.
I’ve been talking a lot to my 10 year old because she sees very clearly why her sister has “different rules.” Our 5year old has her bedtime routine disrupted regularly and is chill about it, but it isn’t fair.
Anon says
So my younger sister didn’t have ADHD but anxiety and other mental health challenges and even though sometimes i understood and i get it more now that I’m a parent, i had/still have a lot of resentment towards my sibling and truly hated her at various points and some towards my parents as well. A part of me knows my parents were trying their best and i know life isn’t fair, but a lot of things really truly weren’t fair to me. My sister and I were also both closer to my mom in different ways, but I’d get ‘stuck’ with my dad in many situations. I wasn’t sure if I wanted one or two kids largely bc i didn’t like sharing my mom. I now have twin girls so the decision was made for me, and it’s been fun so far, but i think would be easier with one boy and one girl
Anon says
The “different rules” (as well as different expectations, consequences, and levels of parental involvement) can be really hard for the neurotypical kid, ask me how I know…
Anonymous says
Totally agree. Any idea how to mitigate the impact? My ADHD kid has some specific behavior management strategies that work but are not appropriate for the other kids.
Anon says
I’m really uncomfortable with the different set of rules and expectations. As the kid who had ADHD and got away with more, this can create a lot of resentment and hard feelings and isn’t actually a favor.
As for sleep issues, is her sleep specialist any good? (I honestly didn’t get good sleep support until I turned 18 and saw a good sleep neurologist, but I have no idea how it works these days.)
Anonymous says
It does stink. But the behaviors are things that are not age appropriate but we’ve been told to let them go since our adhd kid can’t help it.
An easy example is we have a “15 minutes of quiet time before bed” rule where reading is encouraged but not required. Used to be reading until adhd kid revolted. She can’t/won’t read before bed and does quiet art. Now the other kids want to do arts and crafts too instead of reading, which stinks bc it is a great habit.
Another example is electronics in the car. We don’t allow them for short car rides, but on days like yesterday where our adhd kid was melting down we had the choice of either letting her use a device or the other 4 of us listening to her nonstop raging the entire way. Our compromise was that my 5 y/o got a turn on my phone while adhd kid used my husbands and I issued my 10 year old a credit for when we got home. But really? It was 25 minutes and I expect my NT kids can handle that.
(Also: our radio was broken).
Anonymous says
On sleep- this has been a lifelong battle but her current issue is winding down for bed. There’s a sweet spot of “tired enough to relax but not so tired she’s overtired” and when we miss it, it’s awful. She then has a freak out because she’s “tired but not tired and can’t go to sleep but need to sleep or I’ll be grumpy tomorrow” and bounces off the walls.
Melatonin was a disaster when we tried it (First, didn’t really work to help her go to bed and also gave her mid-night wakeups and bad dreams).
anon says
So I have seen this play out with people I was very close to, and end horrendously badly (essentially, one child’s mental-health struggles so consumed the family that the other child moved into increasingly more dangerous behavior in an attempt to be seen, and ultimately lost his life). In that case, the child with mental health issues was my best friend, but I was close to the brother as well, and the entire thing was terrible and I have my own scars from it aside from what their family suffered. My husband and I are dealing with a version of this with my stepson (who is having a combination of mental health and behavioral issues – basically extremely poor emotional regulation made worse by a history of success in achieving desired ends via emotional outbursts) and stepdaughter (who has to put up with a lot of it as a result), and how we cope with that is heavily shaped by what I saw with my best friend.
First, it is really important to establish (with your kid’s providers) what reasonable expectations are for your child and hold him/her to them; it is easy to blame everything on the disorder or disease but kids with those conditions also sometimes just act out. Your other kids are often very able to tell when their sibling is taking advantage of the latitude s/he gets due to the diagnosis (sometimes even more able than you are).
It’s also super important to give a LOT of positive reinforcement to your other kids and to recognize their accomplishments; you don’t want to accidentally send the message that having challenges is the only way to get your parents’ attention. And we make sure my stepdaughter has dedicated time with her dad that is not interrupted no matter what is going on with her brother. Does this sometimes mean that if he is screaming and laying on the floor, my husband makes sure he’s physically safe and then walks out of the room and leaves him? Yes, sometimes it means that, because our other child needs to know that her needs will not always have to be subordinated to her brother’s needs.
I’m tired and sad says
Has anyone here ever hired a sleep consultant? And if so, was it worth it? I’ve read Precious Little Sleep and am aware of the free resources out there, but I think I need professional help for my 14 mo.
FVNC says
It’s been years now, but yes. Hired a local sleep consultant who told us things we almost certainly could have found through googling and reading books, but I was so tired and sleep deprived by that point that I just needed someone to tell me what to do, when. I don’t think our baby was over a year at that point, but close. It was helpful in that, eventually, he did sleep, but the sleep consultant was not magic and it was still a process. The accountability and support from the consultant was nice, especially when we ultimately did extinction cry-it-out.
Good luck…both my kids were horrible sleepers for their first years, but now sleep great!
Anonymous says
I have. Similar to the other commenter, none of what the consultant told me was new to me. I just needed her to tailor a plan to our specific circumstances and tell me what you do. And honestly, the third party support. My husband was great but I liked the idea of a neutral third party reassuring me.
We also sleep trained at 13 months old too.
Anon says
Silly question, but daycare has “pajama day” tomorrow. Our kiddo sleeps in her next day’s clothes and doesn’t really wear pajamas. She has a few fleece-y things she sometimes wears in winter, but nothing appropriate for summer weather and it’s going to be 90+ here tomorrow. Any brilliant ideas for what she can wear?
anon says
I’d venture to bet 50% of the parents forget anyway, so don’t sweat it. Business as usual.
GCA says
This. I look at the photos from daycare on pajama day and half the kids are in regular clothes. Also, if she’s happy to sleep in the next day’s comfy clothes, don’t buy summer pjs just for daycare pajama day!
Sara says
Maybe you could just help her choose the coziest of all her clothes? Unless you think she might feel left out without PJs, then maybe you can borrow some from a friend for tomorrow.
Anon says
A new set of shorts & tee jammies from Target that you pick up after work today.
Anon says
Yeah, I understand wearing the next day’s clothes on weekday nights to save time getting ready in the morning. TBH, I think it’s a little odd to never wear PJs: not all next day clothes are comfortable for sleeping in, I don’t see a huge need to do this on weekends or vacation, does she ever sleep elsewhere (obviously daycare age kids aren’t doing sleepovers with friends, but what about with family?), when are you planning on transitioning out of sleeping in regular clothes?
Long store short, I think it makes sense to pick up some real PJs for this.
Anon says
She is 5. All her clothes (leggings, tees, shorts) are comfortable for sleeping in. She’s never wanted to wear jeans. She sleeps at her grandparents’ house but I’m laughing at the idea of them being horrified about her lack of PJs. They care about this stuff less than I do.
NYCer says
Ehh like OP, my 4 year old daughter also sleeps in her next day clothes. Obviously if the next day is a special occasion that requires fancier clothes, she changes before we go.
NYCer says
Also, FWIW we don’t really do this as a time saver. She likes it. ~shrugs~
Anonymous says
My 11 year old hasn’t worn PJs in years. First of all, they don’t make them in extended sizes, which he needs, and our apartment is hot, so he’s fine in just a T-shirt and underwear year round. He sleeps in his clothes at sleepaway camp and was adamant that he was fine with that. He also opts out of most school spirit days, so I never had to worry about that. My husband has never used PJs. It isn’t that weird.
Anonymous says
I don’t think I’ve ever slept in things marketed as “pajamas.” I’ve always just worn a tee and shorts or sweatpants depending on season. I did this at sleepovers and camps as a kid and teen, and it never caused issues. I’m surprised people think this is so weird.
Anon says
There’s a big difference between having separate sleeping clothes even if they aren’t technically pajamas (I think a lot of us do this!) and wearing your clothes for tomorrow to bed the night before, which I think is odd.
Anonymous says
It wouldn’t help OP though. The issue is that the kid doesn’t own “pajamas” not whether or not the kid changes clothes in the morning. And fwiw I think sleeping in the next day’s clothes would be odd for adults and teens who sweat more, but not for little kids. But I also don’t believe little kids need baths every day which is apparently very controversial here.
Anon says
I’d wear whatever “athletic” clothes she has.
I get that sleeping in real clothes is a huge time saver on a weekday, but I’d maybe get some PJs for weekends.
Anonymous says
My kids wear camp/free shirts and cartwheel shorts. Or maybe a pj nightgown if they happen to have one.
Kid birthday says
What do you do when your kids birthday is on a weekday? Do you still send them to daycare or try to take the day off? Mom guilt is high for me on this decision.
Anonymous says
Lol what?!? They absolutely go to day care and celebrate with their little friends.
AwayEmily says
It has never even occurred to me to take them out of school. We celebrate birthdays on the weekends!
anon says
+1 that it has never occurred to me to take them out of school/daycare, even when I’ve had the flexibility to do it no problem. We try to do something special that evening (whatever weeknight dinner they like best, and purchased cupcakes).
GCA says
Fruit plate and popsicles at daycare so they can celebrate with all their friends! We usually have an actual birthday party on the weekend, and those are smaller – a few close schoolmates and a handful of family friends, which is better for us from a space, time, overstimulation and cost standpoint. We might do a special breakfast with them or pick them up early, but that’s about it. After all, you don’t get the day off in elementary school on your birthday (which could equally be an argument FOR taking the day off in the daycare years, but that’s just personal preference).
Anon says
There was a thread recently on the main page where someone (several people?) said they let kids in real school skip school in their birthdays! But our family definitely does not do that.
Anonymous says
My kids would revolt. They love celebrating in school!
Anon says
I have a flexible job so in the daycare years I gave my daughter the choice and she usually picked a half day so she could celebrate with friends but still have special time with me. I wouldn’t feel guilt about not doing this though; most working parents don’t.
And in K-12 school it’s not a choice; she goes all day. She does get to skip aftercare.
OOO says
Still send them to daycare on their birthday. Growing up I never got to stay home from school on my birthday. As an adult I usually take my birthday off, but that’s different. Your kid can celebrate their birthday with their class and it will make them feel so special! Bring in popsicles, have little goody bags for all the kids to take home (get teacher approval first of course), put them in a birthday t shirt, etc
Anon says
I have a summer birthday (my mom was a SAHM, so we didn’t go to camp) so I got really used to having my birthday off! As an adult I usually still take it off.
Anon says
I keep them home and we do something fun together, like go to the zoo.
Anon says
I would never take a kid out of real school for their birthday, but I would take them out of daycare or camp and do something special with them to celebrate (like the zoo!)
Anon says
I always took the day off, but still sent them to daycare for at least a half day. I used the time off to bake the cake, decorate the house, wrap presents, etc. Then I would do an early pickup from daycare.
Anon says
One thing I would caution is if you have another child with a school year birthday, make sure whatever you do for the summer kid can be replicated for the other kid. I had a summer birthday (but my mom was a teacher and was off in the summer) so I never had school (or camp, we didn’t go to camp) on my birthday. My two brothers have winter birthdays and obviously had to go to school on their birthdays. I could see it not going over well if I had gotten out of camp or daycare on my birthday while my brothers had to go to school on theirs.
On the flip side, my birthday parties were always poorly attended since everyone was down the shore in early August, while my brothers had birthday parties with the full class.
Anon says
+1 for this. DS1 is a summer bday kid and we’ve always let him take the day off of daycare to have a family fun day. DS2 has a fall bday and we’ve done the same. But we fully plan to reevaluate once they are both in school to make things fair. . . will probably switch to just celebrating on weekends and sending them to school/camp on the day of.
Anon says
Caveat that I have a nanny for my two kids (6 mos, 3 years), but once they start school, I’ll take the day off so that I can spend unhurried time with them before and after school, and do fun birthday prep stuff while they’re at school. For now, we give the nanny the day off and I take the day off to hang out with them all day. I love it.
AIMS says
We send to school because it’s fun for them to celebrate, I try to take the day off if I can so I can celebrate by going to a nice lunch and join them at daycare for singing and cupcakes (if allowed). We usually do an early-ish pick up and I let them pick their special dinner (currently always Shake Shack).
Anon says
Mmm Shake Shack. I want that for my birthday dinner!
anon says
We do not take the day off, but we also are much more low key about birthdays than most people that I know. If birthday is on a weekday, kiddo gets presents from family at breakfast (but that’s it in terms of celebration on the actual day) and then we have a party with kiddo’s friends on an adjacent weekend.
Anon says
That’s pretty normal. I don’t think it’s unusually low key.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our daycare gives the kids a special crown on their birthdays so they are definitely motivated to be there then! They get to celebrate with their friends and we usually have a party on the weekend.
Anon says
Ours too. That and the treats are big motivators to attend. Kids like an early pickup though.
Anonymous says
This is the first year my kid really understands the concept of birthdays, so the plan is for an early pickup after nap, plus we’ll send whatever morning snack is ok (it’s right after classes switch for the year, so I don’t know if there are any food allergies, etc., yet).
anonM says
Just a consideration – how many kids do you have/plan to have? Because consider that on your PTO usage x2 or x3 or whatever.
Anon says
THIS. I have four kids. That would be like 20 percent of my PTO. Also no kids get taken out in elementary school… school would frown on it and honestly they like having their birthday with their friends.
Anonymous says
I have personal days that can be used for things like this but (officially anyway) aren’t meant to be used for vacations. I also think a decent number of people can take an unofficial half day by flexing hours. I’ve done that before.
But I agree it’s not appropriate to keep kids home once they’re in elementary school.
Anon says
wait what? i have definitely never taken a day off for a kid’s birthday. Or heard of anyone doing it.
One of my kid’s birthdays is tomorrow. He’s doing a camp from 9-3 this week that will not do anything special for it. His sister’s in an evening program until 6:45 so we’ll be doing dinner with the family except her and then cake and presents after she’s home.
Anonymous says
How do you handle mid-elementary kids who struggle with aggression? We have longer term plans (in therapy etc) but my spouse and I are really struggling with handling it in the moment- protecting ourselves while also parenting in a way that is not going to exacerbate the issue or cause larger problems. Kiddo does hit/squeeze/kick and also does a lot of what I would call menacing or threatening, like hitting AT you but not exactly hitting you, growling in your face, etc. We are working on so many strategies with him but they’re all obviously a long game. Major issue is he’s large and strong so it’s getting hard for me to just physically move him to a safe place, and in that state consequences or any kind of reasoning don’t work bc he can’t access his rational brain. Just looking to see how other families handle those few minutes to keep everyone safe, since we’ve got longer term work happening.
Anonymous says
Maybe I will post this again tomorrow, but would love some paint color recommendations for a shared boy/girl room for two elementary school kids. Mine cannot agree on anything and I think I would do best by presenting them with concrete options. Neither wants any shade of white. Benjamin Moore preferred.
Anonymous says
Blue with clouds? Tye dye theme? A Harry Potter room? My 2nd grader is dying for the latter and she’s ready for faux brick walls ;).
Anonymous says
We currently have blue with clouds! Not sure I can make the tye dye or Harry Potter thing happen. Thanks!
Mary Moo Cow says
My rising 3rd grader would kill for a HP room. I haven’t letter her see PK Kids and Teen offerings or I wouldn’t hear the end of it. This gives me an idea to surprise her with some accents, tho, since she’s been living with white walls and the same bedspread for 2 years.
Anonymous says
I posted that and there are wall decals you can buy. We are going with a platform 9 3/4 wall and then a crest over her bed. Nothing crazy.
anon says
My aunt just painted a cool wall in my daughter’s room where she taped off 3 large triangles and painted them different colors (navy, light pink, light blue) the other 3 walls are the light blue shade and it looks really cool. This might be an option to give them some buy-in
Very similar to this but our colors touch https://www.pinterest.com/pin/653936808393475835/
Otherwise our nursery is the most lovely shade of green (sherwin williams – Reseda Green)
Anonymous says
What if you were picking a theme, not a color? Do they have a shared favorite movie? Or place? Then you’re not just picking a paint color, but also some decoration.
NYCer says
I realize you said no white, but what if you do some shade of white or very light gray and let each of them choose removable / adhesive decals to put on one wall? Obviously you are not going to end up with a cohesive, designer ready kids room look, so please disregard if that is what you are going for. :)
Otherwise, how about a light green? Benjamin Moore Oyster Shell and Moonshine are both green-ish.
Mary Moo Cow says
Yellow? Caribbean or pool blue? My elementary age nephew has a navy room, which I think will age well. Jungle green (can pair with big cat prints or flamingos, for example, so each gets their own accent colors and theme.)
Are you looking to paint all four walls, or would you consider temporary wall paper on one or two accent walls? I think white walls with coordinating or matching pattern individual accent walls (like rainbow stripes) would be fun, and also lets each kid pick some of their own accent colors. Also, are you looking for something that will last a few years or do you want walls for years and only change out curtains and bedding as they age?
DLC says
Our three kids (2 girls and 1 boy) share a room and the walls are purple and teal. As in the two walls opposite each other are the same colour. To be fair, the oldest kid picked the colours because her siblings were too young to have an opinion at the time. But no one seems to mind.
But I’m a fan of pale green or sage rooms. And then maybe let them put up posters or what not to their taste? Or two neutral/white/cream walls and let them each pick a colour of their choosing for the other two walls?
Hair help says
What are good ways to keep long wavy hair from knitting at night other than braiding? My husband can’t do braids (he has actual motor issues – not willful ignorance), so the nights he does bedtime our daughters hair is a disaster the next day.
Spirograph says
Do you already have a satin pillowcase for her? That’s the first place to start.
A big bun right on the top of the head might work, but I’m not sure that takes any less dexterity than a braid and ymmv whether that’s comfortable to sleep on. Is any approximation of a braid possible? My daughter has wavy-ish hair in need of a trim, and even a really lazy braid — like just 3 strands crossed over maybe 2-3 times each — helps a lot
Anonymous says
How old is your daughter? If hubby can’t do it, teach your kiddo if she’s 5+. My 5 year old can’t do her own hair yet but she can braid others.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi – I am a WOC with curly hair. Look up protective styles – a good, easy one is called a pineapple. It really helps.
Anon says
This is perfect – thank you