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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 119 Comments · by

Maternity Monday: Raphaëlle Blazer

Maternity· Recent Recs

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Black Maternity Blazer: Miss Juliette Raphaëlle Maternity BlazerI mentioned this in our roundup of maternity blazers and suits the other day, but thought it deserved its own mention: Look, an affordable Etsy shop of work-appropriate maternity wear, all made in Canada! It’s like a unicorn. The pictured blazer is $154 and is available in sizes S-L (with free shipping to the U.S. and Canada). Miss Juliette Raphaëlle Maternity Blazer Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines. (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. Seat Protector says

    Do any of you have a seat protector under your rear facing car seat that you are happy with? I just bought a car with light colored leather interior, and most of the products I see on amazon have at least some reviews that non-slip backing melts into the seats and ruin the leather.

    • Anonymous says

      We use a towel. I never thought about needing something that was non-slip. Am I doing it wrong?

    • mascot says

      We used a Prince Lionheart one and never noticed any product transfer to the leather. We have dark leather though so I can’t guarantee that there wasn’t a color change though. I don’t think there as.

    • JEB says

      I joined the “Car Seats for the Littles” group on FB, and I’ve learned so much. According to them, some of the after market seat protectors may not be safe since they haven’t been tested with your particular brand of car seat and some may be too thick to achieve a good installation. Some car seat brands make their own (I know Britax does), which have been tested with their own seats specifically. Otherwise, a light receiving blanket is the best recommendation. Again, this is second hand based on what I’ve learned from the certified folks in that group, but it all makes a lot of sense. We just use a receiving blanket under ours.

    • Anon says

      Depends on the age of attendees. If there are a lot of older women/men, I say paperless isn’t worth it. For mine, although my lovely friend/hostess sent out equally lovely paperless post invites, my mother ended up having to screenshot and print for a few older women who insisted they had not been “invited”… oy. If mostly younger guests, I think PP is a lovely way to go!

    • Clementine says

      I actually would go paper on this one. Nice to put in the baby book.

    • TK says

      I’m not on facebook and miss lots of invitations (or so I tell myself – might actually be that I have no friends.) I vote paper.

    • CHJ says

      As an invitee, I vastly prefer Paperless Post so I can RSVP online and check the date/time/address online when I inevitably forget. But I know a lot of older women prefer paper invitations in the mail. Could you do a small set of paper invites for the grandma/aunt generation, and an online invitation for everyone else?

    • EB0220 says

      Thanks! It will be mostly younger guests with jobs and young kids. I actually think the honoree would prefer paper but I get how much easier it is to deal with RSVP online.

      • JEB says

        Some of the paperless post online options have companion paper options as well. For my daughter’s first birthday party, I did an online invite and ordered a few paper copies to mail to grandparents and put in her baby book. Best of both worlds!

    • Meg Murry says

      For the most recent showers I’ve been involved with in our family, we made real paper invitations and mailed them to my mother’s generation and people outside of the family, and for the cousins in my generation and very close family friends we scanned the invitations to a pdf or jpg (or they were designed on a computer and were pdf or jpg in the first place) and the electronic invites went out in email and Facebook messenger (whichever we had the contact info for), typically with the note “Attached is the invite to cousin’s baby shower on DATE at TIME and PLACE. If you want me to mail you one as well please send me your mailing address.”

      My cousin’s are still at the phase where many have moved in the last year or two, so since we need to contact them to get or confirm their mailing address it makes sense to just send the invite that way as well. Some of my aunts also asked to be sent the electronic invite as well, depending on their tech savvy-ness.

      Just FYI, if you do wind up doing electronic invites only, you’ll still want to track down mailing addresses for the mom-to-be so she can send thank you notes, unless she thinks email thank yous are ok. Learned that one that hard way.

  3. Pumping Question says

    When I pump I usually get between 4-6 ounces, but usually only send 4 ounces per bottle to daycare for my 11-week old and freeze the extra. He usually feeds 7-8 times a day (5-6 of those are BF, and two are bottles at daycare), so sending any more than 4 ounces seems like a lot. Does this seem right or should I just be sending whatever I pump?

    • MomAnon4This says

      I think you’re doing it right. They would probably tell you if he didn’t drink the whole bottle, and also probably throw the rest away. Check with them to make sure.

      He’s ~ 3months now. It will change soon, 4 months, 6 months — I found my kids, even eating solids, drank the most milk ~9-10 months, and then it tapered down.

      You’re doing great!

    • CLMom says

      If weight gain is on track and he’s happy, then things are probably fine.

    • CHJ says

      I would send what he normally eats (sounds like 2 bottles, 4 oz each) and one extra 4 oz bottle in case he has a hungry day or something comes up. My son ended up taking the extra bottle once or twice a week, but not every day.

    • Butter says

      There’s a good KellyMom article on how much to give in a bottle titled “How much expressed milk will my baby need?” if you do a search. I found it really helpful when preparing for daycare. I send four bottles ranging from 3-3.5oz each, but sometimes more if he’s going through a growth spurt, and plan to move to three bottles with 4-4.5oz each in the next few months.

      But this is very individual – overall if what you’re doing is working for you and your little one, then I think you’re good to go!

      • MDMom says

        This is pretty much what I did as well. Also, if you just went back to work, it is normal to be pumping more than baby is drinking while away. That will change soon. So bank the extra now and it will help fill the gap if you have one in a few months.

        Our daycare also had a small freezer where you could kept some extra breastmilk in case baby was hungrier than normal or bottle leaks/spills.

  4. CLMom says

    What temperature is too high to send a baby to day care? DD has a low grade fever and is acting like her normal self, so I would hate to have to take a day off unnecessarily.

    • EB0220 says

      I just go by the daycare’s guideline (I think ours is 101) unless my kids are acting really sick.

    • Anon in NYC says

      I think our daycare regulation is 100, so if my daughter’s temp is below that, I’ll send her.

    • Meg Murry says

      Do you have a handbook? Our daycare cutoff is 100.0 with no other symptoms, but they’ll often call at anything over 99/99.5.

      Be warned that if you roll the dice and send her today and they send her home, many daycares have a 24 hour fever free policy (ours does). So if you keep her home today and she’s fine tomorrow you’re good – but if she gets sent home with a fever today you have to keep her home tomorrow as well. But yeah, I’ve rolled the “crap, 99.3, do I send them or not?” dice, especially for my kids that tended to get low grade fevers with teething, and it was about 50/50 between it being fine and being called to come get them.

      • CLMom says

        She’s 6 months and drooling like a slobbery dog. So, I *think* it’s teething.

    • MomAnon4This says

      When I was a preschool teacher, we could tell when the kid’s tylenol would wear off 6-8 hours later :/
      If you think it’s minor, and the babe is old enough, and there’s nothing going around, I mean, you could send him/her, medicated or not, but be aware the teachers know and are looking out for the kid’s and the class’s best interests, so you may called for early pickup or suggested to go to pediatrician tomorrow.

    • MDMom says

      100.4 is cutoff for fever. But be aware that fevers peak in late afternoon. 100 at 9 am may well be 102 by 3 pm. It’s a judgment call. If it’s easier, maybe take in morning and pick up early. If my kid was at around 100 but acting fine, I would take him and try to pick up early or at least call I afternoon to see how he’s doing.

      For what it’s worth, I would not assume teething. My kid drooled like crazy on and off starting at probably 5 months, bit on lots of things. Had various fevers of various grades. First tooth- 11 months and 3 weeks. I think a lot of stuff gets misattributed to teething. But that’s just my anecdotal opinion. Ymmv.

    • aghast says

      Teething does not cause fevers (look up the Mayo clinic’s article on teething).

  5. Mitzvah gifts? says

    I have a (close) colleague’s kids’ combined bar/bat mitzvah coming up in a few weeks. It has been well over a decade since I last attended my last bar mitzvah and I don’t know what a good gift and/or price range is for each kid. In a LCOL East Coast City, and not practicing (so probably don’t want to give Judaica), if that helps. Is triple chai ($54) for each kid OK? Should I write checks or give a gift card?

    • Lkl says

      wow, times have changed since my west coast bat mitzvah 20+ years ago, when $18 was de rigeur. I would probably do $36 unless it’s a very close friend.

      • EE says

        Maybe this is the NYC/HCOL in me talking, but $36 ($30-40) is about what friends spent on gifts for my nephew’s 2nd birthday party. Seems light for bar/bat mitzvah.

    • EE says

      I recently went to a twin bar mitzvah in Northern NJ (distant relative) for and gave $100 to each. My mother, who’s a closer relative to their mother, thought I should have done more.

      While I hate the idea of covering your plate, thinking about how formal an affair this is can help you figure out if this should be on par with a birthday party or closer to what you’d give for a wedding.

      • Mitzvah gifts? says

        Yeah – this is my concern. It is… wedding fancy. VERY important to parents. A “big deal.”

    • JP says

      You could do $72 (chai*4) check plus a $25 itunes giftcard or something for each kid–then it’s still symbolically meaningful and the kid will actually get to enjoy a piece of it instead of putting it in the bank.

      I grew up in a HCOL area and had my bat mitzvah in 1996 (sheesh, was that 20 years ago?) and I can’t remember gift amounts, like, at all, but I think that $36 was more in the range of what a friend would give and $100 was more in the range of what an adult would give.

  6. CPA Lady says

    I feel like such a scrooge asking this, but how much do yall spend on bday presents for your friend’s kids when you’re invited to bday parties? I’ve been doing under $20 for 2-3 year olds– usually 2 or 3 books or something else simple. I’m a scrooge with my own kid and did a no-gift birthday party for her first bday and might do the same for her 2nd bday, FWIW.

    • Spirograph says

      Thank goodness most of the families in my son’s class (including us) have specified “no gift” parties. For our friends’ kids we stay under $20.

      My main criteria is something small, consumable, and/or that you can’t have “too many” of (like board books, sidewalk chalk, a ball, duplos or train track pieces). I feel ungrateful saying this, but I *hate*presents that are some giant single-use plastic thing like a self-contained car racetrack. I have a small house, and toys like that inevitably get used for a few days and then just takes up space until I remember to donate.

      • Maddie Ross says

        Second the consumables. I am the queen of giving play-doh sets and sidewalk chalk/sidewalk paint. Bonus is that a lot of them are “themed” for a $1 more or so, so you can do the Frozen for the princess parties or star wars, etc.

    • Lkl says

      Ha, definitely not ~$36 as someone noted above for 2 year old presents! Under 20 except for extremely close friends.

    • MomAnon4This says

      For us it depends on if we’re friends with the parents. Up to $25 or so if we are!
      But try to keep it under $15 (sometimes 2-3 small things) if not.
      I think you’re doing it right!

    • TK says

      WAAAY under $20 – usually a one-time use thing (bubbles, stickers) and/ or a couple of books. I assume most parents of toddlers are like me and are already overwhelmed with the crap that has taken over their homes.

      • NewMomAnon says

        Yay! I was feeling guilty – I went to a birthday party for a friend’s toddler and brought bubbles and stickers, but everyone else seemed to have given big gifts (like, a play table/chairs and a real miniature piano). I was wondering if I was being cheap, but that’s what I would want someone to give my kid so it seemed right. Now I feel better.

        Also, so glad that the “no gifts” party is a thing. I am dreading the year when I have to invite kiddo’s friends to a birthday party because OMG, so many pieces of plastic cr&p! In my 900 sq ft apartment! Which already has so many pieces of plastic cr&p!

    • Anon in NYC says

      I’ve typically spent in the $30-40 range for a 1st birthday (for kiddos of close friends) but I’ve spent less as kids get older (try to keep it under $20-25 generally)because it seems like older kids have interests and my gift can be a little more targeted (stickers, toy cars, coloring books, sidewalk chalk – all inexpensive items).

    • H says

      I’ve been to a couple 1 year old bday parties and I think I spent around $20ish. I’ve become friends with the mom of another bday boy with a party coming up so I might do a little extra such as a $20 gift and bottle of wine for done nursing mama.

    • anon says

      I try to keep birthday presents for my 3 year old son’s friends around $10. I suspect I’m on the low-ish end though. I’m in NYC. For a good friend’s daughter, I spent more like $20 and tried to pick out something she would love. For most kids I just pull something out of a stash of gifts I got on sale. (Related: Hollar.com has Melissa and Doug stuff for fairly cheap, and some of those little Water Wow type books are good preschool gifts – not just more crap taking up space but something you can use to occupy a child when out and about).

    • hoola hoopa says

      ~$10-15 and agree with the consumables.

      Frankly, I actually kind of hate when classmates/friends spend more on my kids.

    • Anonymous says

      $30-$50, depending on how close my son is to the birthday boy or girl, but we go to a preschool where parents usually drop a few thousand on the birthday party so it feels cheap not to buy a decent gift.

  7. Tricycle, bike, scooter? says

    We want to get our 25 month old something to ride outside – but what do we get her? The Radio Flyer 4-in-1 trike looks good, but I’m worry she might outgrow it quickly. She’s pretty coordinated and I think she could do a scooter or balance bike. Am I totally overestimating here? Any thoughts or specific recs? We live in a neighborhood-y section of the city, with sidewalks, and would love to be able to walk around the block with her and our dog. TIA!

    • Maddie Ross says

      With mine, 25 months would have been too young for a balance bike. And maybe too young for a scooter. She’s 3 now and only just got both of those things (and is not great with either yet).

      • Maddie Ross says

        I should add that she did get the Radio Flyer trike for her 2nd birthday and still uses it now. She often prefers it because she can do it alone and it is stable.

    • Anon in NYC says

      A lot of kids in my neighborhood have the Micro Mini scooter, which bills itself as for kids 2-5 years.

      • anon says

        Plus one – seemingly all NYC children have this! You can get the O bar attachment and seat for the youngest kids, but I think my son used it as is at 2. Not very well, but he used it. At 3 he started really getting it.

    • Mrs. Jones says

      Radio Flyer trike lasted YEARS for our son. I def recommend it. Ditto the Micro Mini scooter.

    • Anonymous says

      Hrm. We got DD a trike last summer when she was 22 months old. She loved it and really mastered it by fall (2 years). She’s pretty over it now, I think mostly because she doesn’t go very far per pedal (small wheels). New just got her a 14″ bike with raining wheels which is slightly too big but the 12″ was definitely too small.

      If I were looking for something for a kid that’s already 2, I’d look closely at the balance bikes. Our kid was too young for it at 20 months and isn’t really into it now at almost-3.

      My kid is super physicially capable (? If that’s the right word? I don’t want to say “developmentally advanced” because it’s more about strength and heigh I think. I.e. She can swim almost entirely on her own, climb tall cargo nets, almost do monkey bars, run a loooong way, etc. no idea where she gets it.)

    • Sarabeth says

      Wishbone convertible trike-to-balance bike. Fits a wide range of heights, works for several seasons.

    • In House Lobbyist says

      We got both of ours balance bikes (Chico on Amazon) for their 2nd birthdays. They seem to figure it out pretty quickly.

  8. Betty says

    Grrrrrr. I hired a nanny back in February and asked that she stay with us until either late June or early August. I have come close to firing her in the past because she is not reliable (took 2 sick days in a row for a cold), plays on her computer most of the time (including when I was working from home) and just doesn’t get it (declined to let me know when my son was running a 102 fever). But I stuck with her because I wanted to give her a chance and knew that it was only temporary. On Friday, she told me that she took a job “that will help her professionally” starting June 6. The kids will have two weeks left of school at that point. My husband is an administrator so he has three weeks from that point until he has 5 weeks off. Oh, and the “professional opportunity” is being a camp counselor. She wants to go into the peace corp and then be a lawyer. WTF. So annoyed. I have family that can swing a week, but not three. Do we hire a temporary nanny?

    • LSC says

      I feel your pain. I liked my older nanny (who had raised four kids) because she really ‘got it’ when it came to how important her job was. I find that the younger ones just can’t understand how rough it is on a family when a caretaker is flaky. We did not have much luck with temp nannies, but maybe you will. I’d see if an agency can help as care.com can be overwhelming. Or maybe a college student? If you don’t find someone you really feel good about, I suggest you bite the bullet and look for drop-in care at a local daycare. Not ideal, but will be consistent and fun for the little one until your husband has off. Plus you will know there are multiple eyes on your kid, so it doesn’t feel as scary as trusting someone you just met. So sorry this has happened–we have totally been there!

    • Anon in NYC says

      What about a temporary nanny share? Maybe one of your friends/kid’s friends has a nanny and wouldn’t mind defraying some of the costs for a 2 week period.

    • In House Lobbyist says

      We have good luck with a running list of college students. You might need two or three or four to make it through 3 weeks but it is worth a shot. We have had good luck with neighborhood Facebooks groups and asking anyone with high school/college daughters. I just leave out lots of art supplies, play dough, bubbles so they can just play all day.

  9. NewMomAnon says

    Just sent off a resume to a recruiter who e-mailed me unexpectedly about a job that seems like a really good fit. But….it’s in another law firm. Am I crazy to think that one law firm is going to offer a dramatically different future outlook than the one I’m currently in?

    In other news, the conversation with the recruiter confirmed my suspicion that I’m being underpaid (like, at least $30K a year underpaid). I’d feel angry about it, but I’m realizing that it’s a structural issue at my firm – there is not enough work in my specialty and the firm doesn’t want to eat the difference between the revenue I am generating and the revenue they’d like me to generate. Instead I’m just sad because it now feels inevitable that I’ll be leaving, and the people at this firm have invested so much in me and taught me so much.

    • TK says

      This sounds like great news! If you get an interview / offer, you can use it as leverage at your current firm if they want to invest in you what you’re worth – or it’ll be a new opportunity for a fresh start. It’s completely possible to leave on good terms with your current firm and stay in touch with the people there who have invested in you. I still do contract work for a firm I left on good terms two years ago.

      Yes, law firms can vary radically and a lot of it comes down to good management (usually by non-lawyers and good HR departments.)

    • Anonymous says

      I would not trust the recruiter. You should know if you are underpaid for what you do or if you are underemployed.

      • NewMomAnon says

        I know I’m underpaid AND underemployed currently. I should be making at least what a first year associate makes, which is about $30K more than I’m making. The recruiter’s proposed salary level was ridiculous (she thought I should be making double my current salary), but it has been nice to daydream about how I would use that amount of money.

    • Anon in NYC says

      Just remember that no matter how much you like your firm, at the end of the day, it’s a business. People may be sad to see you go, but they (likely) won’t be up at night because you decided to leave. Also, a new law firm may be a good move because it allows you to start fresh in a new environment.

      I think, broadly speaking, all law firms of a particular tier (for lack of a better word) do the same general type of work, but the future outlook can really vary depending on the partners.

  10. TBK says

    My little guys have always cried when I leave the house in the morning, but I always figured it was quick — door closes, they cry for a minute, but I’m gone and they move on to other things. Now that they’re older, they know I’m leaving from earlier in the morning. One of them has started following me around in the last 15 min before I leave the house (when I’m wrapping up my lunch, grabbing my keys, etc.) just kind of whimpering and asking to be picked up. When I pick him up, he does the toddler full body melt/hug into my shoulder, and when I try to set him down, he develops arms of steel and clings to me while starting to cry big, fat tears. I know it’s just part of being two, and that five minutes after I’m gone, they’re both fine, but ugh! It used to just be his brother who cried but while that one (B) is a mad crier, this one (A) cries like you’ve broken his heart. It’s just as much a show as his brother’s crying (that is to say, both honestly heart-felt but also very fleeting), but it just seems so much sadder. (The au pair will actually start crying herself when A cries. He’s that affecting.) I wish I could work all day with a warm snuggly toddler in my lap. (Even though that’s a scientific impossibility. If you put an electronic within a 10 mile radius of a two year old, they will find it and insist on using it and pitch a massive tantrum when you take it away. I know this.)

    • MDMom says

      Sorry. I took my kid to the doctor for his 12 month appt (and shots) this morning and he cried at daycare drop off for the first time ever. So hard. I feel a little bad when he’s so excited to see them (don’t you miss me?) but this was way worse.

      • Another BigLaw Parent says

        That’s so hard! I’m sure this is a “know your kid” thing, but my daughter sounds like A when she’s going through those upset/clingy times. I do daycare drop off, but sometimes I have to go into the office on Saturday or go in for early meetings and DH does drop off. When that happens, she would sob big, horribly guilt-inducing tears and bangs on the door to the garage as I was leaving. To change that, one day I gave her big hugs/kisses, then sent her to the front porch with DH to wave bye to me. Just having the second chance to say goodbye waving from the porch and really see me leave helped a lot. Now she hugs/kisses me goodbye and runs to go to the front door to get to the porch for the send off. Maybe your au pair could try something like that with A and B? Get them involved in a fun way in getting you out the door?

    • Samantha says

      No advice but I’m in a similar boat where my kiddo has realized I’m going to be leaving soon (from the minute she wakes up, almost!) and becomes the most clingy baby. It makes mornings hard. Sorry and hopefully it’s temporary!

  11. Anonymous says

    Last week mother in law visited a day early with twenty minutes notice and yelled at me about dishes, housekeeping, lawn care etc. She doesn’t have a profession and hasn’t worked in years and doesn’t really have any perspective on working a lot of hours. We had supports set up but sometimes you hit that perfect storm and your dishwasher breaks, your maid is sick and your lawn care forgets to show up. I’m also the primary income earner and I work more hours than my husband.

    Over the last few days I’ve bought new furniture, cleaned a ton, invested in more housekeeping services and more gardening services and bought a new dishwasher. (Dishwasher had been broken for four days when she visited).

    I’m not happy with the mother in law or the husband to be honest here but I also don’t want to deprive the kid of grandparents who do love him. We were supposed to visit this weekend. Thoughts?

    • Anonnnnnnnn says

      I’m still fuming from last week’s post about this. She is 100% in the wrong, and your husband should be the one telling her so. That said, my in-laws are currently visiting and my husband is being an ass to me, so I can relate.

      I am so sorry that she made you feel this way, that you spent all this time buying new furniture and cleaning. You didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. I would not be visiting until I got an apology, even if a form/grudging apology. And your husband needs to have your back on this. It is NEVER okay to yell at someone about the condition of their own home, regardless of your relationship to that person. If you don’t actually live there, and it’s not CPS-level filth and neglect, then it is none of your business and you don’t get a say.

      I would go to the mat on this one, because the ripple effects are so potentially profound and long-term. No garden parties for husband until he takes your side. I don’t know if y’all are religious, but if so, he needs to do some thinking on the concept of “leave and cleave.” I wish I had magical answers, but you are the wronged party here, and anyone making you feel differently is being a huge jerkface.

    • anon says

      Cancel or cut it short. It sounds like you’ve had a crazy week and need a break. Tell your husband he needs to tell her, and if she pushes back he needs to let her know that her behavior wasn’t acceptable.

      Does your husband back you up with her? Because people shouldn’t yell at other people unless it’s to get out of the way of falling bricks. It’s just not acceptable behavior, and it’s not good behavior to model for your kid. You’d think your MIL could have offered to take some of those tasks off your hands when she saw everything going sideways instead of adding to the problem.

    • rakma says

      Can you skip this visit and have your husband take the kid? Would that cause more drama than it’s worth?

      It seems like you bore the brunt of the insult, but also did the bulk of the ‘remedy’–has your husband stepped in in any way to help you out? If not, I’d say a break while he visits with the kid is more than deserved. And yes, he should stick up for you with his mother, and tell her that her behavior was uncalled for and unacceptable–maybe that’s an easier conversation to have when you’re not there?

      • Spirograph says

        All of this. If you can possibly get away with it, this is the perfect opportunity for your husband to take the kids to visit his parents and give you some time to relax. He can choose to be upfront with his mom that there’s a cause and effect at play, or he can leave that out and just say you had long week and he’s being a great husband and letting you have some time to yourself, but either way, you should stay home. Best case scenario, MIL will take it as an indication of how serious her offense was and sincerely apologize, but even if she doesn’t, you deserve the break and it will save you from gritting your teeth through the visit.

        I hated reading your post about this last week and I’m sorry you jumped through so many hoops to fix the non-problem. I actually brought this up with my husband and emphasized that he’d better have my back if anything similar ever happened in our house (my MIL, bless her, would never, but I can totally see clueless FIL commenting. Hopefully he would have sense to only say it to H and not to me).

      • MomAnon4This says

        +1
        Tell her you’re exhausted from cleaning and re-doing the house.

        • CHJ says

          +1000 to “you’re exhausted from cleaning and redoing the house.”

          And fwiw, I would cancel the trip entirely. Her behavior was completely unacceptable and you deserve a break from stressing about it. And I wouldn’t send your husband/child without you either — that just sends the message that you and your husband can be divided if she treats you poorly.

      • Sarabeth says

        I would actually be really uncomfortable with this option. Sounds like the OP’s mother in law does not particularly like her, and would probably prefer to have just the husband and kids visit. So it’s kind of a reward for her terrible behavior.

        • Anon in NYC says

          I tend to agree, from what the OP said in her original post. Heck, my MIL likes me and she’d still love to have her son and grandchild all to herself for an afternoon.

        • SC says

          I agree with this. It sounds like solidarity is important here. In fact, even though you’ve more or less handled things, I think your husband should tell your MIL that he’ll be catching up on stuff around the house and yard, in a way that makes it clear that it is a shared responsibility.

    • anne-on says

      I would cancel. And have SERIOUS words with your husband. My parents insulted my husband’s parenting, and my in-laws flat out said I was a bad mother for working and sending my child to daycare. In both situations, we each handled our own parents – he made his mom apologize to me, and vice versa. They were also informed in no uncertain terms that behavior like that going forward would result in loss of grandchild time – do not pass go, do not collect $200. It occurred ONCE on both sides, and not again. And honestly – to this day, we both remember those incidents, and both hold some extent of a grudge about it. What neither of us holds a grudge about is the others behavior – there was no defending of the parent, it was a given that this was really not OK behavior and the spouse was absolutely right to be furious.
      This kind of in law stuff is serious, wearing, and doesn’t tend to magically go away on its own. If your husband does not have your back BIG TIME, I would seriously question the state of your marriage.

    • Meg Murry says

      Is this a special occasion visit (a birthday, etc) or a just because? If not a special occasion, I would cancel because you just saw them and you sound like you could use some down time, not another visit less than a 2 weeks after the last terrible one.

      I also agree that if H can take the kid without you (if you aren’t still nursing, etc) that might be a good idea – just make sure it doesn’t come across like you are sulking or giving her the silent treatment.

      I know you said she apologized to H, but was it a real apology, or was it more of a “I’m sorry you were offended” non-apology? I think if you do go, H needs to lay down the law with her that she does not get to criticize you, your housekeeping or your parenting, and also make it clear that the state of the house is something that BOTH of you are responsible for, it is not solely your domain as the mother. However, this is a “know your MIL” situation where you have to determine if it should be brought up again or if that is just pot stirring.

      I think you also need to have a conversation with H about how to handle something like this in the future. The “bad mom” part is probably the breaking point for me. Was he there when she said that, and how did he react? You probably need to make your game plan for if she says something similar, and be prepared to just leave immediately if she does that again. It’s better to lay down the law now than wait until your kids are old enough to hear Grandma say you are a bad mother.

      In general, I don’t think Grandparent’s love cancels out Grandparents who treat the parents badly.

      • pockets says

        +1 to the last sentence.

        FWIW, your MIL is probably acting out her own issues about being a SAHM and not having her own job and career. She’s picking on your “deficiencies” to make herself feel better about her own choices (“I didn’t have a fancy job like Anonymous but at least my house never looked like hers does!”).

        I think you should let your husband handle the trip to the grandparents and while there he should say something to his mother. And you should get an apology along the lines of, It wasn’t my place to comment, I have no idea how hectic life is for you, and I realize it’s as much my son’s responsibility to keep a clean house as it is yours.

    • Mrs. Jones says

      OMG what your MIL did is appalling. You have done better than I would have in that situation. She needs to apologize at length to you in person (assuming you’re ok with seeing her).

    • Anonymous says

      I know I’m posting this late, but hopefully you’ll see this!

      A grandmother’s “love” can be truly toxic if she’s hyper-critical like this. My great-grandmother was near psychologically abusive with her EXTREME criticism of her daughter and grand-daughter. (My grandmother and mother). My mother is this amazingly talented artist / craftsperson but has so much anxiety and perfectionism about everything she does because her grandmother was so, so critical. My great-grandmother treated her daughter so badly that my grandmother can’t stand to not do everything for people. The long term results for my family are that both my brother and I have some serious social anxiety (my great-grandmother was always berating my mother about “what will people think” and while she toned it down for us, we got hefty doses of similar, “you are embarrassing” through out our childhoods) and I, at least, am also a procrastinator (combination of grandmother never letting us do anything for ourselves if she could help it and my own anxiety based perfectionism).

      Now maybe I’m reading into it, but the dynamic in your family already seems similar: you were unjustly criticized and your response (like my grandmother’s would have been!) was to nearly kill yourself to make up for the criticism. You bought NEW FURNITURE! That’s a huge undertaking. That’s expensive. That’s the sort of overcompensation my grandmother did and the end result was her never letting us forget our homework or have to be responsible for anything. Yes she loves us (and we love her!!!) but she also martyred herself for the family to prove her mother’s criticisms wrong.

      You are letting your child see that the slightest comment; the (totally unjustified) thoughts of others send you into a ton of work, a ton of expense, and weeks of being hurt and upset. You are laying the foundation for your kid to become anxious of other people’s opinions and thoughts.

      I wish someone in my family had told my great-grandmother to go jump in a lake so that I wouldn’t have had to move 2,500 miles away from people I truly love for my own mental health. (My brother moved about 2,000 miles away). So tell your MIL that she has the right to her opinions, but she can keep them away from your child or she’ll NEVER be invited back.

  12. SC says

    Can anyone suggest a birthday gift, around $25, for my nephew who just turned 3? I think he’s still into Paw Patrol, but other than that, I don’t know any of his current interests.

    • anne-on says

      If he’s into superheroes or star wars, light sabers, and the captain america shield/nerf gun are huge hits in our circle of little boys. Other perennial favorites are kites, bubble machines, water guns, and lego sets.

    • JJ says

      Target (and I’m sure elsewhere) has individual Paw Patrol characters that are relatively large (5 inches ish) and each about 4-5 dollars. I bought the whole set for a birthday party a few weeks ago and they were a huge hit with the 3 and 4-year olds.

    • CHJ says

      This is double what you want to spend, but a little boy in my son’s class brought in a Paw Patrol truck and all the 3 year olds went crazy for it. I’ll post a link in a moment.

    • Anonymous says

      I have yet to meet a 3-year old boy who isn’t obsessed with trains, specifically Thomas (if he goes to daycare, there’s no way he hasn’t been exposed to it). So that’s another option if you don’t want to do Paw Patrol. My husband got my son a remote control Thomas the Train for his birthday. It’s a little more than you wanted to spend, but he loves it. Fair warning, it is loud and obnoxious and I glare at my husband every time kiddo plays with it. Link to follow.

      My son would have been perfectly happy if his birthday had consisted of cupcake, stickers, bubbles, and a balloon. $$ has nothing to do with how much the kid likes the present… price points are to appease the parents. :)

      • SC says

        I know re: price. But my son’s birthday party was just 3 weeks ago, and my SIL bought a gift around $25 for my son. It would be hard not to compare if we spent a lot more or less than they did (although I wouldn’t mind spending $20-30). So, yes, it’s to appease the parents.

      • anon says

        My 3 year old son lives for trains. There is nothing train he doesn’t like. Vehicles in general are huge, as is sensory play (sand/water). You could get him a Green toys truck of some kind – fire engine, dump truck, train. Or a digger – the CAT Tough Trucks line are good for this age and durable enough to use in a sandbox, which is key. Amazon has a 3 pack for $25 – my son has this and it has gotten lots of use.

        • SC says

          Perfect. I bought the three-pack of CAT Tough Trucks. Thanks everyone :-)

  13. Eeyore says

    So another birthday question. When you go to a birthday party for kid A and that kid has an older/younger sibling, do you get them a token gift as well? I never did b/c I think there’s value in learning that not every occasion = presents for you, but we’re invited to a 1st bday for someone with a 3 yr. sibling and I wonder if 3 is too young to fully learn that lesson and if I should include something for the older sister on her baby brother’s bday.
    Also, any specific ideas appreciated.

    • Maddie Ross says

      Nope. That seems silly. My response might change if you were the grandparent or an aunt that only visits occasionally. But as just a guest at a party? Definitely no token gift. That’s like the participation trophy of gifts…

        • hoola hoopa says

          This. I’ve done something for my nieces/nephews at those ages, but definitely not for a friend.

          (For nieces/nephews, I do something inexpensive or something that I would have given them anyway but held for the occasion).

    • anne-on says

      I never have. Especially if the kid is in daycare/preschool, there is so much celebrating of birthdays for other kids in the classroom that they get it pretty early on. Plus – I haven’t been at a kids party recently where gifts were opened with the guests still present, it just doesn’t happen much anymore.
      If you wanted to do a small token thing, maybe bubbles, sidewalk chalk, crayons, stickers, or a book?

    • Edna Mazur says

      I have a two year old and a just turned one year old. The two year old got one present from his grandparents at the 1 year old’s birthday. I would’ve discouraged this even.

      That being said he did “help” open and play with the toys…

    • NewMomAnon says

      As a counterpoint – I often have brought something very inexpensive that will keep the older kid busy for a while. Examples: crayons and a coloring book, or a fancy gift box that can be opened and closed, or a single helium balloon. Usually less than $5. I tend to think of it as a gift to the parents of not having to entertain the older one quite as much during the party.

      But then, I’m a mom of a singleton, so I don’t know how I would feel about it as the parent.

    • Elle says

      The only time I’ve done this was when a sibling was born I’ve gotten older sibling (in my case these were nephew and niece) a small gift in addition to bringing a gift for mom/new baby. Usually something like a puzzle or coloring book that can keep older sibling occupied with the attention going to new baby.

  14. Anonymous says

    So, husband finally acknowledged that the universe keeps sending us weird signals that we are meant to be foster parents. We already have a bio kid, and for the past couple months we’ve both been seriously thinking if this is for us. We recognize that it’s going to be an extended timeline (probably 2-3 years) before we’re ready to do full time fostering, but there are quite a few steps to go through.

    As part of preparing for this, a wonderful friend sent me some amazing resources on caring for different types of hair than my own straight, caucasian hair and y’all- more than anything, this is what I find intimidating. In college, I had friends and roommates who taught me about what they did with their hair. The idea of convincing a 3 year old to wear a satin cap to bed or sit still while her hair is put into a protective style is really daunting.

    I am sitting here laughing that I have no qualms with dealing with behavior issues or even helping a child work through the loss that leads to all foster placements, but that my big fear is that I will be an inadequate doer-of-hair. That’s all. Not ready to talk about this with many people IRL because of a few reasons, so thanks for letting me get that out here.

    • MomAnon4This says

      Aw, love this!!
      I live in a large, diverse city (in the South) and there ARE resources for moms in inter-racial families to learn to do hair that they’re not familiar with. It can be taught!
      If this is your greatest fear— you’ll do great!

      • OP says

        I’ve been looking at some resources and when we get closer (like I said, still a couple years out) I have some amazing women in my life who I know I can call when debating carrot cream versus coconut oil versus hot oil.

        And thanks for the vote of confidence! I know I am not a perfect mother. My kid’s birthdays belong on nobody’s Pinterest board and my husband definitely served expired yogurt for breakfast. What we know we are really good at is being advocates. We’re really good at keeping track of annoying details. Based on the work we’ve done so far, those things are far more important for fostering than the other stuff we don’t really bother with.

    • JJ says

      Congrats on coming to that conclusion and what a wonderful gift you will give a child. And the fact that you’re already researching this means that you will be an amazing foster parent that will give some child a desperately needed, stable, loving home.

    • hoola hoopa says

      If it makes you feel better, I know someone who works for a local organization which teaches adoptive/fostering parents how to care for the hair and skin of children of African descent. So there may be a resource for you, too. Either way, I’m sure you can handle it :) GL!

    • TK says

      My best friend adopted two black daughters, and she uses hair appointments as an opportunities for her girls to interact with same-race adults. The women who work in salons that cater to / specialize in black hair styling have been wonderful and welcoming. They were able to teach my friend a few tricks for in-between appointments maintenance, and have been great in terms of recommending appropriate skin and hair products, etc.

      • OP says

        It’s so good to hear this! I’m very aware of the whole ‘white savior’ issue that we’re skirting very close to, along with a whole host of issues about the intersection of racism, classism, historical systemic oppression, and poverty that the foster care system still inadequately deals with.

        I think this is a great point- finding a good salon will go a long way.

  15. Anonnnnnnnn says

    Jen Hatmaker has amazing writing on this subject.

    Also, thank you for sharing this. My DH and I share a similar calling, but we’re much earlier in the process. I thought we were the only ones in our shoes.

    • OP says

      People have really bizarre reactions in person when we’ve mentioned this in the past. It’s either ‘OMG, you’re a saint (we’re not.) or ‘OMG, they’re going to burn your house down (sure. I think that was a Lifetime movie though, not actually real life.)

      I’ve been reading a lot of blogs on Tumblr- they have been my best resource so far.

  16. I need internet hugs says

    In the last two months, two coworkers in our four person office (which was already down two staff people – should be a six person office) left. One left two weeks ago and was going to cover me during maternity leave. As a result I’m working insane hours, I’m responding to everything (the other staff person here is an administrative assistant), and I’m totally burning out. We are filling two positions soon, but they are both below me (though I don’t manage them – long story on the makeup of our employer), and they will both need intensive onboarding…which is not currently planned on by anyone, because the ED of our department is one of the open positions, and the position above that is also open, so all of us are currently reporting to the president – who is actually only the interim president, and is still doing her other full time job, and has about 20 other direct reports right now in addition to running our entire 100 person department. I just started having my prenatal appointments every two weeks because I’m 31 weeks. Last week I was told I don’t have to take the 3 hour glucose test because I scored 135 and their cutoff is 140. Today I was told I “should” take it because on Saturday they changed their cut off to 135. My husband said it sounded like they were saying I don’t HAVE to take it, but what I heard was “you’re a bad mom if you don’t take it because something could be wrong with your baby” and I feel like the worst person in the world if I make it seem like work is more important than the baby. I’m out of town this weekend visiting my best friend whose mom just died. Can’t cancel that. I was out of town this past weekend, driving myself and stepdaughter 3.5 hours to my parents’ house for a family baby shower, drove 3.5 hours home the next day (husband was working and couldn’t come). I haven’t had a day off that wasn’t for doctor visit or sickness since last October. Every time I respond to one crisis at work another one comes up. My maternity leave plan is 100% invalid now because the person was taking over a large majority of tasks is the one who quit two weeks ago. She also just sent me an email from her new job saying she “hoped I wasn’t stressing out too much because that affects the baby.” I have no time to rewrite my maternity leave plan because I have two major events coming up this month and I am the point person on both. I feel like my actual job responsibilities are being left by the wayside as I cover absolutely everything else in the office. I cried all the way back from the appointment after learning about the need to take this test. I feel like an absolute mess and that I am failing at everything. Please internet hug me.

    • Anonymous says

      I’m so so sorry you’re dealing with this. Also sorry that this posted on the second page of comments so didn’t get seen by most. Please post again tomorrow and I’m sure people will have some helpful comments for you. In the meantime, lots of hugs.

    • Hugs says

      I think this got missed as it is the only comment on a new page. I don’t have any specific advice for you, but lots of hugs and good wishes.

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