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Every summer, I aspire to channel some vacation vibes in my office wear. If your office dress code is (or has become) more laid back, this breezy dress from lemlem might have you mistaking your A.M. coffee for a tropical cocktail.
This sleeveless dress is made from soft cotton and features a comfortable elastic waist and subtle blue, white, and navy striped pattern. Just add a light cardigan or wrap and some statement earrings for a relaxed, but put-together look. If you’re not familiar with the brand, lemlem was founded by supermodel Liya Kebede after a trip to her native Ethiopia.
lemlem is “an artisan-driven brand of beautiful women resort wear made entirely and responsibly in Africa, with a core mission of preserving the local art of weaving in Ethiopia and inspiring economic growth on the continent.” Also, five percent of your purchase goes to the lemlem Foundation, which focuses on “creating a pathway out of poverty for women artisans in Africa.”
The dress is $375 and available in XS–L.
Two more affordable options are from DKNY — a short-sleeved dress for $149 (sizes 2–14) and a sleeveless one (sizes 0–18) for $108.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
HSAL says
Just put two of my kids in a bunk bed. I love it except for the exposed slats supporting the top bunk. Has anyone successfully used anything to cover them? All I can think is cutting a sheet to size and stapling or taping it to cover.
Anonymous says
Would a “bunkie board” be more attractive than the slats?
Anon says
The bunkie board goes on top of the slats
Cb says
Maybe a heavier fabric or felt cut to size, since it would be sturdy enough to stay on its own? Are they only visible from down below? This would bother me too but I’d quickly forget about it.
HSAL says
They’re only visible from the bottom bunk, but the wood is not especially smooth and I suspect the bottom bunker will touch them a lot. Trying to avoid splinters, but maybe the novelty will wear off soon.
AnotherAnon says
Ohhh! I misunderstood: I thought you were worried about aesthetics. If this is your concern I would remove the slats and sand them lightly, then put them back.
Anonymous says
We sanded and painted them (in rainbow colors) on ours, but mostly because my husband loves a project. The novelty of putting feet on them hasn’t worn off, but I imagine it might if my son had gotten a splinter – maybe the natural consequence thing is the way to go here?
AnotherAnon says
Honestly I can see why this would bother you but I would just try to ignore it. No adult, except whomever is putting your kid to bed, is ever going to see the slats. If you can’t ignore I guess I’d opt for felt like Cb suggested: you’ll have to staple it in the middle otherwise it will drape down. We have a bunk bed: we love it!
Anonymous says
Ugh I’ve started snoring loud enough to bother my husband. I feel so, so bad about it! I have a doctor’s appointment for next week, but I’m not looking forward to the prospect of using a CPAP machine. Anyone here have any good stories of snoring solutions?
Anonymous says
My husband snores but supposedly does not need a CPAP. The only way he can stop the snoring is to maintain a weight that is pretty trim. We know the exact number on the scale where the snoring begins. When he’s not able to do that, sleeping apart is the only way I can get any sleep. When we travel I sleep in noise-cancelling headphones, which helps some but is uncomfortable.
Anon says
Don’t fear the CPAP if you need one for health reasons. Snoring isn’t just a noise thing, sleep apnea is a serious health issue. The machine made my father’s quality of life so much better because for the first time in decades he was finally getting good quality sleep at night and he had more energy, lost (a small amount of) weight with no effort, felt more alert, etc. It looks ridiculous but if you need it it can save your life and vastly improve your quality of life.
Anonymous says
Have you gained weight recently? My sister started snoring/sleeping poorly and was evaluated- they told her to lose weight. She didn’t like the answer, but did it, and she stopped her night waking and snoring decreased dramatically.
On balance, my dad was a lifelong snorer with no weight issues and at 55 got a CPAP that was life changing. He’s more rested at 65 than he was my entire childhood.
anon says
My husband snores loudly every night and started using SnoreRx, and it really worked. No more snoring! It wasn’t comfortable for him to use night after night, so we’re looking to get him a custom mouthpiece when we have time, but I recommend trying something like that.
Anon says
It may just be snoring, not necessarily sleep apnea requiring a CPAP unless you are having other symptoms and a sleep study confirms. My father has a CPAP and sleep apnea. My mother snores like a freight train and had been evaluated for sleep apnea but doesn’t have it and did not get a CPAP; she snores less when she sleeps on her side. I have snored off and on since childhood, but post baby (and weight gain) I have also been snoring noticeably more, but am not seeing (or feeling) any signs of sleep apnea like my father has and haven’t been evaluated yet. DH also snores (also overweight) but again doesn’t have the sleep apnea signs and symptoms. We both snore more during allergy season because we are more congested, so if you haven’t tried allergy medicine, it might help.
Anon says
One of my relatives had a deviated septum and had surgery to have it fixed instead of being told to use a cpap.
Mommasgottasleep says
This may sound weird but I stopped snoring when we got a foam mattress. I went to a sleep specialist (before the foam mattress) and he said I had a narrow airway. He told me I might not have sleep apnea but the only way to stop snoring was still a CPAP, which I really didn’t want. He scheduled a sleep study then the pandemic hit, so I never completed it. The mattress solved my snoring though. Weird but worth a try?
Seafinch says
Snoring is a symptom (like apnea) so you really have to figure out the underlying cause. It can be myriad things or overlapping things. Tongue tie, deviated septum, inflamed tonsils, TMD. I am not anti-CPAP but I do wish more practioners would dig for the underlying cause. Sleep posture and collapsed airway due to weight or other anatomical issues are also common.
Sarah says
YES. I have sleep apnea and mine is caused by my jaw/tongue falling back because of low muscle tone, plus a small airway, plus I’m a mouth breather. I’m not overweight and I don’t have any other health issues that are contributing to it. I use an oral appliance instead of a CPAP. I would suggest going to see a pulmonary doctor, getting tested for sleep apnea, and/or a sleep/airway dentist. Low tech option is to try taping your lips at night to help force nasal breathing. Outside of the CPAP and oral appliance, there is an implanted device called the Inspire (I think) that stimulates your muscles enough while asleep to help keep the tone in your airway (I might not have the mechanics exactly right – I am not a doctor and I don’t play one on TV!). Good luck. It’s definitely worth figuring out how to improve your sleep. It affects so many areas of your health!
Seafinch says
I am laughing so hard; all six of us were tied and airway health and jaw development is practically my part time job, I frequently know more than various practitioners) and my husband always says, “This is my wife, she isn’t a doctor but plays one on TV”.
Seafinch says
And we tape!
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think this is the first summer in while that I feel like is going to pass by so quickly. I think it’s because my older kid is starting K and is becoming more fun to be around and last year we were just coming out of Covid daycare shutdowns so we just wanted to get back to some sort of routine. And I feel like the elementary school years will feel like they are going so fast! I’m not in a job where I can just take summers off (do those exist?! maybe teaching), so for those of you with older kids, how do you take advantage of summer so that it doesn’t just fly by while you’re sitting in front of a computer? We have a vacation booked for the end of August. I may take a few Fridays off here and there.
Anon says
This is the first summer my kid is old enough (3) to really have awareness of what’s going on, so we’ve been trying to do occasional mid-week adventures, like having a picnic in the park after school or stopping by the pool at my parents’ apartment complex and ordering pizza there. She seems to really love it is and it’s a lot of fun for me and DH. She normally has a really early bedtime (6:30) so it does disrupt our routine/her sleep quite a bit but it’s manageable as long as it’s only once every week or so. I would also probably try to take at least a few days off before your older kid starts K to have one-on-one quality time with him.
Summer always flies by for us. My husband is a professor who can’t use vacation time during the year so in normal times we use almost all my PTO (5 weeks) between May and August and it feels like we barely have any summer at home. This summer is actually really nice in that regard, since we’re traveling but nowhere near as much as normal.
Anonymous says
We make a bucket list at the start of each summer and do a couple things each week like mini golf or u-pick strawberries or a favorite hike or a visit to the splash pad on the other side of the city or a favorite ice cream shop. I aim to do one mid-week and one each weekend. Mid-week one is often simple like ice cream shop stop after dinner.
I try to take off at least one or two Fridays or Mondays every month. I don’t make a big deal of it like ‘asking for every second Friday off’ I just submit one day of leave here and there (or even a half day if it’s a crazy week), usually based on the weather forecast about a week in advance. I realize this may not be possible at everyone’s job but it works at mine as people don’t really notice someone being off for a day or half day in the same way as a week’s vacation.
Anon says
Can you share your bucket list? I would like to do something similar and am looking for inspiration.
Mary Moo Cow says
Not OP, but I posted below about our pre-K bucket list: tie-dye, have a picnic, bake cookies, play mini-golf, go to the pool, play a board game, read outside, go to an amusement park, go to the beach, take a hike, make s’mores, homemade pizza, do a science experiment, make ice cream, ride bikes, build a fort (indoors or out).
Anonymous says
We ask the kids – three kids and they each get to pick three things and then DH and I supplement with our own.
Recurrent themes are minigolf, pizza on the beach, farmer’s market, petting zoo, different playground/splash pad, new ice cream shop, bike ride, nature park, whale watching etc.
Kids will make a tradition out of anything – like you do something twice and they remember and decide it’s a tradition. Apparently eating pizza on the beach in the week after fourth of July weekend is a ‘family tradition’ per our 6 year old.
Mary Moo Cow says
This is my first summer with a kid in school, and I feel like it’s been going by quickly. The first week was lovely, and since then time has accelerated. WFH has helped and I imagine I will weep and despair next year when I’m in the office in the summer.
I, too, have vacation at the end of the summer, and we do that on purpose so I can really savor the last of summer. Until then, I try to make time to have a lunch with my girl most days, set up the inflatable pool and jump in with the kids at 4 p.m. some week days, say yes to the ice cream truck. We have a summer bucket list (leftover from a daycare assignment last year to complete the list and send in pictures) so we pull that out every now and again and do something from it: tie-dye, have a picnic, bake cookies, play mini-golf, go to the pool, play a board game, read outside, etc.
avocado says
For me, summer with a school-aged kid was always the longest and most difficult season of the year because of child care and transportation hassles. There were a couple of years where I spent 4 hours a day in the car between day camp and my own work commute. Sleepaway camp made things easier while she was away, but those pickups and dropoffs were all-day affairs that often happened on a weekday. I was always so eager for summer to end so we could go back to the school-year routine, which was also brutal but less so.
This year, kid is a teenager and is vaccinated but no in-person activities or overnight camps that she was interested in were available (nearly all have gone on-line only) so I don’t have to play chauffeur. She is taking one super easy on-line course to check off a requirement and free up space in next year’s schedule, and is otherwise having the most idyllic free-range summer full of bike rides and pool days with friends. We also have a lot of extended family planning to visit from out of town, and many of our local and out-of-town family members are teachers who just don’t get that we have limited PTO. This is definitely the first summer where I feel like I’m missing out on all the fun.
anon says
Time starts flying once kids are in elementary, IMO. My best advice is to do as many summer Fridays as your job will allow and book your vacation EARLY. Like put it on your calendar in February and pick out the destination later if you’re not ready to commit. Otherwise, it is too easy for those opportunities to go by the wayside.
I also keep a summer bucket list. We don’t get to everything, but it does help me to be more mindful about how we’re spending our time. Aside from day camps (which basically serve as daycare), we do not do any kids’ sports and activities during the summer. That’s practically heresy in our town, where softball/baseball are big (and big commitments), but that is NOT how we want to spend our time.
Anonymous says
We make a habit of getting pizza at the pool every Friday night and try to go to a playground/pool/ice cream at least 2 weeknights after work. I don’t officially take the time off but I do come in a little later and leave earlier in summer.
Anonymous says
I take time off. Fridays, weeks, the works. I also make weekends and days off count- trip to an amusement park, beach, pool or even planned lazy fun day at home. We aim for one adult taking a day off each week, then we do a full 2 week beach trip in early August.
We also do movie nights midweek outside with friends and neighbors. We also have our kids home all summer with a sitter/grandma/at the pool club with a couple camps interspersed so they get lots of down time too.
SC says
At this age, when you’re experiencing the joy of not needing to be home for a nap, I like to plan day trips 1-2 weekends per month. We drive somewhere that’s 30-90 minutes away, spend a few hours, and get a snack or dinner on the way home. One nice summer (or other season) experience makes it feel like it’s not just slipping away.
For more everyday stuff–I love buying all the summer fruits. We set up a sprinkler in our yard for Kiddo to run through. We go over to my FIL’s house to swim or find splash pads around town. We used to belong to a gym/pool, and they had idyllic Friday night parties by the pool with a cafe, a bar, and local music–I miss that, but Kiddo is having a hard time with music with his SPD. There’s a local snowball stand down the street that my husband’s father grew up going to, and it’s always fun to go and see other families out there. (Our summers are very hot, and I am a wimp, so I find it uncomfortable to be outside for long without water or cold food. Fruit picking, hiking, mini golf, etc are spring and fall activities for me.)
Anon says
Even with a younger kid who still usually naps, daytrips can be fun. Some kids will sleep in the car on the way home or do ok with skipping a nap one day. I know every kid is different and some need routine more than others, but we started doing day trips around age 2 when my kid was able to do ok with no nap and an early bedtime.
WWYD says
Need help making a tough decision.
I’m MOH in a wedding that I’m not excited about. Bride is a college roommate (15+ years ago). Other roommates and I are still quote close. She’s the oddball out due to living in another city and frankly being very emotional/sensitive and self-centered. She kind of always was but I think we all matured out of college mode and she sort of didn’t? We’re all quite friendly, no fall outs. Friendly group texts, share life events and we’re happy for one another, but not that close any more. She was MOH for me 9 years ago. I was actually surprised when she asked me two years ago (delayed twice due to COVID).
I’m currently in the middle of a terrible fertility treatment regimen, 20 months and counting. I’m in a really bad place mentally and physically – literally recovering from a recent miscarriage as we speak. I found out today my next transfer will be within a handful of days of her wedding. I won’t know the date of the transfer for sure until about August 31 and the wedding is mid Sept. Wedding requires flights, buying a $250+ dress, finding childcare for my three year old, renting a car, etc.
I can’t fathom delaying my cycle for the wedding. But am I too easily defaulting to “I can’t go, sorry” or is there some work around I should be considering? Should I just buy the dress (the biggest lead time item) and hold out on everything else? I don’t think she’d react well to me giving her a heads up today that I might not be able to make it. What would you do?
Anonymous says
It sounds like you really don’t want to do this, and the fertility treatment is only one of many reasons. I’d bow out gracefully ASAP instead of leaving it up in the air. Less stress for everyone involved.
Cb says
I think it’s better to bail early rather than late. It’s kinder to bow out now (and try to attend the wedding as a guest?) than to cancel at the very last minute?
Anonymous says
It’s in 2 months. She’s the maid of honor. Can’t pretend backing out now is “early”
Anon says
Yeaaaaaa bailing now is in no way shape or form early. OP can do what she wants, but her friend has every right to be devastated and angry.
Anonymous says
I would not delay your cycle and would also go to the wedding. Unless your doctor has ordered that you not travel, in which case this isn’t really a question. It’s just not great to meh out of being her maid of honor 2 months before her wedding. Buy the dress, book the flights, have your spouse stay home with your toddler (if you have one). If you truly cannot travel, talk to your doctor now about the dates in more detail. But sounds to me like you can but just don’t wanna.
Anonymous says
In ordinary times maybe it’s “just not great to meh out of being her maid of honor 2 months before her wedding.” But we are still in the middle of a global pandemic, the wedding has been postponed twice, and OP just had a miscarriage and is in the middle of fertility treatment. Circumstances have changed in the two years since OP agreed to serve as maid of honor, and it seems totally fair to bow out.
Anonymous says
We are not in the middle of a pandemic in the US. I’m sure this poster is fully vaccinated like most of us. If OP doesn’t want to go, she won’t. If she can’t go because her doctor won’t let her travel, she won’t. But I don’t think it’s ok to just kinda not want to bother.
Anonymous says
Hahaha what? Not in the middle of a pandemic?
Anonymous says
You mean the non-existent pandemic that caused the wedding to be rescheduled twice and the engagement to last two years?
Anonymous says
We aren’t in the middle of the pandemic and it’s silly to keep saying we are. We are on the tail end of a pandemic living in a country with very low rates of disease and excellent access to vaccines where we are resuming normal life. I’m not saying the pandemic wasn’t real, but this isn’t the middle.
Anon says
The Op is surely vaccinated by now if she’s in America. Covid isn’t stopping her from traveling.
Anonymous says
I am angry with everyone who says the pandemic is “over” because, hello, I have an unvaccinated child at home who is still extremely vulnerable. But I also don’t think you can use “GLOBAL PANDEMIC OMG!!!!” as an excuse for bailing on this wedding. OP is vaccinated (if she wants to be) and has the option to leave her unvaccinated child at home. There was also nothing in her post that indicated she was at all concerned about Covid risks. The pandemic is a total red herring here.
Anon says
+1. I think you want to quit because you’re just not that close to her anymore. And it’s pretty s$itty to do that two months before the wedding. You committed to the wedding, you should show up unless your doctor tells you you can’t attend. Agree that your husband can stay home with your 3 year old and you don’t need to participate in any events that aren’t on the weekend of the wedding.
Anonymous says
If they aren’t that close anymore, wouldn’t the bride be relieved to have OP step aside so she can replace her with someone she’s currently closer to?
Anonymous says
Nope. OP doesn’t feel close to bride but why assume bride doesn’t feel close to her? Most friendships are not perfectly symmetrical. Can’t get off the hook by assuming this when for all we know, supported by her actual actions, bride selected OP as maid of honor because she really cares about her and still does.
Anon says
Not two months before the wedding!!!! Also it’s OP who thinks they’re not close, not the bride. The bride obviously thinks they’re close or wouldn’t have asked her to be her MOH! I had a bridesmaid quit (much earlier than this) and I didn’t have anyone else to ask and although I wasn’t mad at the person who quit, it made me feel terrible about myself and like I had no friends. There may be good reasons for OP to quit (although I’m not sure the reasons she’s given are good reasons) but please don’t pretend this is doing the bride a favor. It will be a terrible experience for her, even if OP’s reasons for quitting are legit.
Anon says
No bride is “relieved” to have her MOH drop out two months before the wedding! That’s absurd. OP can do whatever she wants, but lets not act like the bride should be happy about it.
Anon says
No, that’s some bass-ackwards logic to let OP off the hook.
anon says
I am truly sorry about your miscarriage and fertility treatments. I know they’re brutal. However, the wedding is now only two months away; now is not the time to bail. If you do, expect that to end the friendship and possibly cause a rift with others in the friend group.
Anonymous says
Really? When I was married a zillion years ago, we were very grateful for all the friends and family who made the effort and undertook the expense to be there, but we didn’t resent anyone who couldn’t make it. None of our own grandparents felt able to travel, and some friends stayed home with new babies. We were fine with this because we understood that we were not the center of everyone else’s universe. If this bride and the other bridesmaids are going to drop OP because she pulls out of a commitment she made two years ago when she wasn’t in the middle of fertility treatments and when she was perhaps closer to the bride, they aren’t friends worth keeping.
Anonymous says
She is the maid of honor!!!!
Anonymous says
But it seems like if she pulls out of the wedding because she’s no longer close to the bride, that’s going to be a natural end to the friendship?
Aunt Jamesina says
Not the same scenario, she’s the MOH. And she had a child already when she agreed to it.
Anon says
She’s the maid of honor! OMG it’s not like she’s just a random guest declining an invite. I had a destination-ish wedding (in the US and a place that has significance to us but not local for any of my friends) and of course we were understanding that some of our friends and relatives couldn’t make the trip because they didn’t have the time or money or just didn’t want to. That’s COMPLETELY different than quitting the bridal party – as maid of honor, no less – two months before the wedding!
Anon says
The bride is not “making herself the center of the universe” by expecting her maid of honor to buy a dress and show up on the wedding day. Holy cow, you are unsympathetic to this poor bride.
Anon says
Good grief, this is the MOH, not some random guest. When you’re immediate family or have accepted an invitation to be part of the wedding party, you get your sorry arse there.
Aunt Jamesina says
I agree. I would not look favorably on one of my friends bailing on another friend at this point barring an emergency.
OP, you have my sympathies. A miscarriage and fertility treatments are a lot, but your other excuses (childcare, dress, travel, etc) all existed when you agreed to be MOH. I think you’re allowing your lukewarm feelings about this friendship to cloud your decision. Imagine instead it’s one of your friends you’re still close with getting married. Would you still bail?
Please take care yourself, you’re going through a lot. I know it can feel tempting to hole up when I’m down, but I also know that having events and plans can help get me through tough times. Seeing friends and having normal life events can be a welcome distraction. Even if you aren’t feeling overly excited about this particular friendship or wedding.
OP says
Some extra context?
They’re already legally married and have a 6 month old. Local bridesmaids and I were joking a month ago that we weren’t even sure the wedding was still on since we’d heard nothing. Coincidentally an email came through this weekend with a link to a pinterest mood board, asking us to find a dress that fits her desired look. If the transfer didn’t possibly fall within this time frame, I’d go and fulfill my duties no questions asked. My medicated transfer cycles are about 45-60 days in length, this time around it’s a little longer. It may feel ‘late’ to tell her but I also wouldn’t have had any visibility in to this until now.
Anonymous says
Yeah sorry no. Bailing because you just don’t care is selfish and rude. Again. Pretty obvious you can go without delaying treatment or surely you’d be adding “extra info: doctor won’t let me travel!” so suck it up and get yourself there.
Anon says
+1. And fwiw I normally really side-eye people who get legally married and then throw a big party that they describe as their “wedding” but I think the pandemic is a valid excuse for separating the legal marriage and the wedding ceremony.
Aunt Jamesina says
A pandemic and having a kid together! I think even my super conservative grandma would okay this one. Holy hell, OP.
Anonymous says
Any 2020 bride deserves all the grace and empathy. I rarely miss an opportunity to judge my SIL (and vice versa) but even I couldn’t muster up any judgment when she got legally married in fall 2020 and planned a big wedding for fall 2021. 2020 brides (the responsible ones, anyway) had their wedding year derailed by a once-in-a-century pandemic through no fault of their own. And OP’s friend clearly wanted to start a family ASAP, so moving up the legal wedding makes perfect sense to me. I don’t understand her pearl clutching about it.
Anon says
I’m definitely on the conservative side of conservative and DGAF about 2020 brides and grooms doing whatever needed doing. Got married at a courthouse in 2020 and want a big bash in 2021? I’m THERE. got married in a family-only ceremony and want a big 2022 party? Yay!!
Anonymous says
Ummmm. Also just wow about the judgment about her having a kid already and have gotten legally wed before the big wedding she couldn’t have because of the plague.
Aunt Jamesina says
Woah! You’re looking for excuses and your new ones are wayyyyyy worse. What does it matter that they have a six month old, or that they got legally married after having to delay for over a year due to Covid? (And they presumably wanted to tie up legal loose ends when they had a kid, smart to do). But you know what? I guess I wouldn’t want someone who was so judgemental of me to stand up at my wedding. I’m really hoping that your hurt over your miscarriage and treatments are making you judge her in an uncaring way, and wonder if you’d judge her so harshly if you were in a better mental place.
Look, you have my sympathies for treatment (BTDT!). But I know you know having undergone treatments for awhile that there was always a possibility that a transfer or other appointment could pop up around this time. Cycles wait for no one.
I think your choices are to torpedo this friendship and very likely lose closeness with your other friends, or suck it up and go.
OP says
Blerg. I’m doing a really bad job of using words. I sincerely swear I am not a terrible person. I’m going to step away, but appreciate everyone’s feedback.
Aunt Jamesina says
Show up for your friend. It’s not that your didn’t word this well, it’s that you’re letting a hard phase of your life to rule your choices and aren’t owning it.
Anon says
Late to the party, but, OP, I give you permission to do this if you want. It’s kind of jerky, but that happens and it sounds like the consequence (her being mad) is not one that you really mind. And I get that this thing with the transfer cycle is something that you feel like you would regret if you didn’t do it. She’s adapted her plans a couple times already – she’ll adapt them again. I think you would regret delaying your transfer (I’m not totally sure how that works) more than you’d regret leaving her in a lurch. For all you know, it gets rescheduled again with Delta or something.
Anon Lawyer says
So, OP, I do get where you’re coming from – I also couldn’t imagine delaying the (successful) transfer I did for love or money (so many delays up to that point) and I was very superstitious about traveling that cycle since I had traveled around a lot of unsuccessful cycles, even though everyone said it was fine. I would say this: if this was one of the friends you were closer to and it was their wedding that you were the Maid of Honor in, what would you do? I think lots of friends actually would understand you leveling with them about what’s going on in your life and why you can’t travel for their wedding. But what people won’t understand (and what I think we’re reacting to) is anything that hints of “eh I don’t really like you much and you’re kind of selfish to have a wedding and ask me to be MoH.”
Anon says
Yeah, I was kind of sympathetic to your initial post because I’m sure the fertility treatment is stressful and hard, but this follow up makes it clear you’re looking for reasons to get out of it because you just don’t like the bride that much, and that’s a terrible reason to drop out of a bridal party two months before the wedding. No one can stop you, but it’s a really really cr*ppy thing to do a friend who was once close enough to be your maid of honor. Even if you’re not close on a day-to-day basis anymore, that kind of friend is more like family and is someone who should always be important to you.
Anon Lawyer says
I think your last sentence is important and is perhaps why this post has stuck in my head this morning. . Here is my cautionary tale that this post made me think of. Twelve years ago I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of a college roommate; I went to her baby shower ten years ago. Then we kind of fell out of touch for the most part. We were living different lives – she was in a smaller town, married, with kids. I was single in a big city far away and spending my vacations traveling to other countries, etc. (My kid is now only 18 months). It just felt like we lived very different lives. Just a few weeks ago I found out she died of a fast moving and aggressive breast cancer. I had no idea she was even sick. And obviously the tragedy is for her family and current friends. But, for me, it brought up a lot of regret – maybe we had been living different lives, but I never knew that the separation would be *permanent*, you know? And it made me think of the ways I had failed as a friend in my early 20s when I was still working out my stuff.
Here it sounds like the split might be from the other direction – the bride lives far away from the rest of the friend group and maybe was the last friend to get married and have kids, which probably does make you look self-centered to the rest of your friend group. (Or maybe it’s for other reasons that just weren’t written here.) And maybe you’ll never be close again. But I bet you will never regret going to the wedding. You may regret not going for reasons you can’t anticipate now,.
Anon says
I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think you failed as a friend at all, but I do think it’s nice to show up for your old friends when you can even if you aren’t super close in the present. For a long time my best friend from high school and I talked almost never and only saw each other if we happened to be in our small town home city at the same time, which happened maybe once a year at most. (In recent years we’ve started texting more regularly after I got WhatsApp so we could communicate, since she lives abroad). But I always, even when we went a year or more without contact, thought of her as one of my ride-or-die people and I think she felt the same. She was one of my bridesmaids and I would have moved heaven and earth to be there for her in any situation (wedding, illness, etc) in which she needed me. But I am apparently in the minority on thinking that certain friendships default to lasting forever even if you don’t communicate regularly. I mentioned this situation on the main page once and everyone was like “obviously she’s not your friend, you don’t even talk to each other!”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hi OP – it sounds like you’re more over this friendship than she is, and that’s fine, but I still think you should go to the wedding itself and stand up there with her. You don’t have to do any other MOH activities, right? I have a friend, who was my MOH, and who I’m not as close to now for various reasons but I would absolutely be there for her because our history and friendship is important. I’m so sorry about your miscarriage and treatments. Can you let her know (and maybe your other friends) that you’ve been going through all of this so that she doesn’t expect a bunch of other duties from you, beyond just showing up? I don’t think you have to delay your treatments if it’s just a weekend right?
Anon Lawyer says
Normally people complain because they’re expected to do too many pre-wedding events and because they’re told to buy a particular expensive ugly dress! Not because it’s a low-key pre-wedding lead-up and you can choose the dress!
Hmmm says
I think you need to go since you’re the MOH. I’ve been thru multiple miscarriages and rounds of IVF and it’s incredibly rough so I get it, I do. But I really think you need to find a way to be there in this situation.
Anonymous says
You should go. If you decide you cannot, you should call her (not text her) and explain the situation in detail: fertility issues, and why that means you cannot travel (note: I don’t know what specifically you are going through but I assume it’s not “I won’t feel well” but “i physically cannot travel at this time or it will risk my potential pregnancy.” [is the issue that you might be getting the transfer on the day of the wedding?] I would say that you feel terribly, if there were any way you could be there you would be, but you can’t jeopardize your health. Then ask her to think about ways you could be helpful/supportive from a distance, but be fully prepared to lose the friendship and have her be crushed.
Have your husband stay with your kid. Fly in and out as quickly as possible (give her a heads up on this, too). Order the dress.
anonamama says
OP, I dropped out of a wedding as a bridesmaid about a month before the wedding due to extremely rude and disrespectful behavior of the bride and groom (to both me and DH). I left a very genuine but respectful voicemail for her, we never spoke again, and she sent an e-mail to the remainder of the wedding party saying I decided not to honor my commitments as a bridesmaid. That was the end of our friendship, and I am OK with it. I had to weigh whether I wanted to keep this friend in the future knowing it would burn a bridge. But you need to do what is best for you and your mental health. From my view, you could pull out entirely; do the bare minimum (you only, fly in day-of, check out next day – use ubers, hotel shuttle if possible); or go all in as planned but share your situation with someone you can trust who can help you through. I think you know what you want to do, just be confident in your decision. Good luck.
Anon says
The difference here is that the bride isn’t treating OP badly.
Spirograph says
OP, I don’t know if you’re still reading, but… does the bride know that about the fertility treatment and miscarriage, and how tough of a time you’re having? To be clear, you don’t owe her or anyone this information, but she may be understanding about you wanting to bail if she knew the full story. I might even frame it as, “I haven’t shared this with a lot of people, but you’re giving me a lot of trust and I’m concerned I’ll be in a bad place and ruin your day.” A friend who cares about you enough to ask you to be her MOH probably cares about you enough to not pile on when you’re struggling. She might graciously offer to ask one of your other mutual friends to take over MOH duties. I’d still try to be there for her if you can; guest-at-the-wedding is a lot less stressful than MOH.
Anon says
Help! We are on a2.5 week vacation with our 3 year old twins and one won’t sleep. We just woke up from night 4. Nights 1 and 2 she woke up in the middle of the night and was up for two hours and i ended up sleeping in their room. Night 3 i just slept in their room from the beginning bc i wanted us all to get some sleep, she woke up twice, i told her mommy was there abd she went back to sleep. Last night she woke up twice and we got her back to bed after the first time but the second time she was up at 5am. At home she usually naps for 1-2 hours a day and sleeps 11-12 hours a night, though maybe she wakes up a lot at home too but i just don’t know about it. She is a hot mess during the day and we are all running on fumes. Any ideas?
Anon says
Is there a time difference? If you’ve gone East to West, especially to someplace like Hawaii, you unfortunately may need to lean into 5 am wake-ups and go to sleep a lot earlier than you normally would. Can you bring her books or toys at 5 am and go back to sleep for an hour or so yourself? My 3 yo is terrible at independent play in general but can usually entertain herself for a while when she first wakes up. If she’s melting down due to exhaustion, can you move up nap time and let her sleep for 3 hours? We find that vacation usually involves a shorter night and a much longer nap than at home. My kid has almost completely given up naps at home, but took 3 hour naps every day on a recent vacation (and slept less at night to make up for it).
OP says
It’s central time to east coast time and we are trying to keep them on central, but it’s only an hour difference. Naps haven’t been happening either bc she doesn’t like not being in her bed
Mommasgottasleep says
Make it colder and darker in their room if possible. I’m talking, put tin foil over the windows – whatever you need to do to temporarily turn their room into a cave. If I were you I’d probably keep sleeping in their room. Drag a bed or mattress in there but don’t start cosleeping unless you want to continue when you get home (learn from my mistake heh). Make wake ups boring: “mommy’s here, go back to sleep.” Repeat ad nauseum. No other communication unless she’s inconsolable. For the second wake up, you may just have to get up at 5; sorry. I turn on the tv. Usually I can doze on the couch for 30 minutes to an hour and then make coffee. Make DH switch off with you so you can sleep in. Since you have so long: try tweaking her naps: earlier, later, skip? Hope this helps! IME this is just vacation with toddlers. I survived on coffee and going to bed as soon as I put kiddo down.
octagon says
Is she napping still? It sounds like she is not happy waking up in a different place and having a hard time putting herself back to sleep. Can you find a special nightlight or something distinctive that will help her know she is in a safe, comfortable space even though it’s different?
Also, this might be the time to bring out a half-dose of children’s benadryl. Your ped can advise on the right dosage for her size.
anon says
What can you do to change the environment? White noise machine, blackout curtains, night light, rearranging furniture, a different blanket? I understand you’re not in your house, but I always go trial and error until I hit on something that works.
Anon says
We have blackout curtains, white noise machine, brought stuffies from home, added books and more stuffies etc
Anonanonanon says
Do you have a car on the trip? On our recent trip, one of us had to take the 3-year-old for a drive each afternoon because the car was the only place she would nap.
Anon says
Can you try a really early bedtime one night to “reset” her? I’ve found sometimes with my kid that when she’s too exhausted her sleep is terrible and getting even one solid night of sleep can help her get back on track, and then once she’s rested we can move her to a more normal schedule.
Anonymous says
What do your kids eat for lunch at camp? Mine usually prefer to buy lunch during the school year and camp doesn’t have that option. They aren’t really picky eaters. It don’t like traditional aka boring sandwiches and can’t have nuts at camp. They are big eaters at 6 and 8.5 and they are at camp 8-3 and they are active the whole time so need lots of energy. Ideas??
Anonymous says
Mine get a sandwich, fruit, and cookie/granola bar. If I have leftovers they’ll also take like an orzo salad with veggies or cold sesame noodles or a cold sausage.
Anonymous says
Sandwich (bagel with cream cheese for mine), a fruit, a veggie, chocolate hummus, a protein (cheese, scrambled egg ribbons), a yogurt pouch that’s frozen and thaws by the time it’s eaten, a snack (granola bar, crackers, etc.). Those mini cucumbers have been working out great, usually I just cut the ends off and she eats the whole thing, I figure it’s also hydrating.
anon says
Mac and cheese or ramen in a thermos (or other leftover of choice). Or faux lunchables (crackers/cheese squares/salami, plus an Oreo – the Oreo is important). Cold pizza. When I was little I loved chicken tenders in my lunch box.
Anon says
My kids’ (6 and 8) camp lunch is sandwich, chips/ granola bar, 2 fruits, dessert, and juice box. They also pack a snack, usually applesauce and cheese stick, for days where they’re extra hungry (usually pool days).
Sandwiches have to include a carb and protein, so choices include regular ham and cheese, wowbutter and jelly, bagels with cream cheese and blueberries, ham and cheese muffins, and bacon tomato avocado toast using the mini guac cups from Costco. We also do “homemade” lunchables, aka ritz crackers, cheese, salami, and gummy worms.
They’re super active and although this feels like a ton of food, they have been eating it all each day. (To me, a sign of a great summer camp!)
anon says
Thanks to all of you who weighed in a bit ago when I asked about correcting DR and leaking. Many of you recommended Restore Your Core, as well as yoga, as something that might help. Anyone care to review RYC? Did it fix your DR completely? Or your leaking? I’m thinking of purchasing it but the cost is making me pause a bit. I’ve already tried Every Mother (not for me) and MammaStrong (I like the woman but her 15 min dailies moved really fast and I knew I wasn’t going to stick with doing it every day for the rest of my life!). RYC sounds appealing in that it’s only 3 months. Yoga also sounds appealing because I like yoga! But it is harder for me to go to yoga with 2 young kids and a busy work schedule. Any thoughts appreciated!
anon says
Check out Hab It: Pelvic Floor by Tasha Mulligan. She has videos that are a bit dated-looking but clear and fairly priced. Might be a good intro on pelvic floor before going to general yoga. http://www.hab-it.com/
Anon says
Thanks for asking the question. I second the hab-it recommendation. I thought the exercises were really good, especially the seven day advanced stabilization program (after I did the beginner’s pelvic floor workouts), in that they stabilized my core and improved, but, however, not quite “fixed” my pelvic floor. So after a long break from training, partly due to COVID, I will restart and decided to try Restore Your Core (inspired by your post). I mainly switched to change things up a bit and because I want to try and “wake-up” my (damaged) pelvic floor muscles in a program that focuses more on that part. Happy to report back once I know more.
Anon says
Maybe it’s my lackluster workout ethic but I feel like RYC is very mild? Maybe it would work if I was doing it with more regularity but the exercises are all so easy and short. It feels like nothing is happening. I was a pretty hardcore exerciser though before Covid, maybe it is coloring my opinion.
Anon says
I bought RYC and honestly didn’t use it much. I didn’t feel like the exercises were doing much, so I wasn’t as motivated to do them, so they probably didn’t do as much. It wasn’t a great cycle.
I wish I would have kept trying and found something I could stick with, because I still have my DR, but alas. I started doing Yoga with Adrienne videos in the evenings around 3 months ago and I have noticed a bit of an improvement in leaking.
anon says
We are traveling next month and I’m taking the pack and play for my 19 month old. What do you all do for a mattress? We have one but we can’t really roll it up and take it with us, can we? How do you make the PnP comfortable past the infant stage?
Anonymous says
I tried this one and it was like sleeping next to a tormented demon and now I rent a crib and have it delivered.
Anonymous says
We use the Guava Lotus that comes with a little fold up mattress. It’s really easy to set up and it folds very compact, into a backpack bag.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
FWIW, DS #1 slept in the pack-n-play as is until he was 2.5 with the mattress that came with it. By then he was bigger and taller for his age group, but was fine.
That being said, there are mattresses from non-Graco brands available that people swear increase comfort.
AwayEmily says
My kids never complained about the pack n play mattress either. Maybe because their crib mattress was also rock-hard? (or at least, it certainly seemed that way to me)
Anon says
We used the PNP with the mattress it came with until my daughter outgrew the PNP at age 2.5. It does look oddly thin to me but she never complained. I think kids are less sensitive to discomfort than adults.
Anon says
I feel like I need a getting ready for kindergarten picture book for parents! My oldest is starting this year and I’m nervous about the morning routine. We’ve been doing daycare for years now but it’s always had a flexible start time and our jobs are somewhat flexible with start times, too. So, while we have a target time to be out the door, if we are running late, it’s not a big deal. Now, we will have to be out the door at 7:30am for everyone to get where they need to go on time. Other than the usual–prepping lunch, clothes, bags the night before–how do you keep on track? My kids are usually up by 6:15 but they do occasionally sleep until 7am and I hate waking them since I know when they do that, they really need it. Should I get the Kindergartener an alarm clock? How do you deal with inevitable meltdowns, resisting dressing, etc.? I really don’t want to be losing it every morning because the kid won’t put her clothes on! Thanks for any advice!
AwayEmily says
I am a terrible broken record on this but…we do 15 minutes of TV in the morning while we get the kids dressed/do their hair/do any last-minute things that need to get done. It is a lifesaver. If TV isn’t your jam, then I think just in general having things as routinized as possible so they know exactly what to expect at each step. For us, their Hatch light turns purple at 6:50 (they are allowed to talk/play while it’s purple and usually wake each other up at this point), turns green at 7:00 (at which point we go get them), have some milk while reading a book/waking up, proceed directly to breakfast, then 15 minutes of TV while they get dressed, then out the door by 7:45. (I will note the lure of TV is also effective at getting them moving when they are dawdling at breakfast)
We have plenty of meltdowns at other times of the day (coming home from school, in particular), but since we got super-intense about the AM routine we have almost none in the mornings.
EDAnon says
I will caution that we used to do TV in the morning and had to stop because it caused more meltdowns. Maybe it would be okay now that our son is older, but we used TV until it stopped working. Not having the TV on in the morning has been much calmer for everyone.
Anonymous says
You should have a plan to drive your kid if s/he misses the bus for at least the first 3 weeks of school. If you are driving, the parent doing dropoff should expect pickup and dropoff to consume a full hour. Our elem starts at 7:55. Bus comes at 7:20 and if she misses it we have to leave by 7:35 to get there by 7:45. The dropoff gate for cars closed at 7:52 (if you’re not in the gate by then the kid will not make it to class by 7:55).
For pickup at 2:45 the cars line up starting at 2:15. The whole shebang takes until at least 3pm to get home. This is why we do bus ;).
Also:
-pack A TON of food. When my kids started K we got this tip and despite packing basically a week of food in the lunchbox, it came home empty every day!
– go lite on after school activities for the first few months.
– make sure your kid pees before leaving the house. We prioritize this over brushing teeth!!
– email the teacher if you have specific concerns, but don’t except regular updates.
Mary Moo Cow says
We just finished Kindergarten. I was stressed about the morning, too, but it turned out okay — we cut it close a few times, but were never late. We tried to get up early a few days before school started and do a “dry run” of the morning getting ready routine. We also had to be out the door at 7:30, so this was our routine: DH up at 6 for coffee and quiet time; me up at 6:35 and dress, wake kids up at 6:45; I made DD’s lunch while her waffle was cooking; kids and me have breakfast and are done by 7:15 at the latest; upstairs to dress kids, all brush teeth, me throw on makeup, and downstairs for shoes at 7:25. DH puts backpacks in the car while I monitor shoes, coat, etc. Keeping a tight regimen was key for us, because if you let them take 5 minutes to read or play, they’ll want 10. If shoes weren’t on at 7:30, kids had to put them on in the car. Keep in mind you’ll need more time in the winter for finding coats, hats, etc. Pack any special projects in the car the night before. I had zero tolerance for meltdowns, and they occasionally happened, but DH or me would just pick the kid up and put her in the car. I also dangled donuts on the way to school about once a month if they would get ready really early and quickly. Good luck!
SC says
We struggled to keep Kiddo on track and get out the door in the morning. The thing that helped the most was a star chart. For the morning routine, he got stars for getting up on time, taking his medicine without a tantrum, brushing his teeth, getting dressed by himself, and leaving by 7:30. There were stars for other stuff throughout the day, including a couple of chores and his evening routine. He got a reward after 15 stars–usually, extra screen time or staying up late on Friday or Saturday night.
If he was late for school because he wasn’t ready on time, he lost his screen time that afternoon. There was a 10-15 minute buffer between his goal time and the time after which they would definitely be late.
We woke Kiddo up ourselves and did not get him an alarm clock. I’m worried that if we give him a clock that he can reach to turn off the alarm, he will be a distraction at night. YMMV.
Anonanonanon says
I know you hate waking them up, but you have to. I wouldn’t do an alarm clock, just get them up gently yourself.
When my son was that age, I did as much as possible before getting him up. I got dressed (and threw a robe on over my clothes to protect them), packed his lunch, and made his breakfast. When he got up, he just had to eat breakfast, brush teeth, and get dressed. Sometimes, the breakfast was a “picnic” on the floor in front of the TV so I could gather my stuff etc. That’s a know your kid thing, as my kid got older morning screen time made him unfocused the rest of the day.
My son had a relatively mix and match wardrobe so prepping clothes the night before wasn’t necessary, but for my daughter I have one of those hanging clothes organizers hanging in the closet and put the whole schoolweek of outfits in.
Also, depending on where you live, you may have to lose it sometimes. Not getting to school is not an option and your kid will have to recognize that. A mother in my neighborhood was shocked the school sent a social worker when her kids were consistently late. Once you hit kindergarten they’re on the grid!
Anon says
I made a picture schedule for my son with the routine to follow and he was excited about it and got ready basically on his own. Definitely lay out clothes the night before (with his input/agreement) so there aren’t outfit arguments in the morning and he can get himself dressed. Pack the backpack the night before with as much as possible and put it by the front door with his shoes.
He also may be extra drained for the first weeks/months of K so try to figure out a way to make bedtime earlier so he gets the sleep he needs
GovAtty says
I’m really unhappy in my current job (government staff attorney) – no opportunity for advancement, poor internal structure, jerk/lazy co-workers, very little recognition/appreciation for high demands/quality work (I could go on, but I’m feeling self-conscious that I sound like an entitled jerk). I have two kids (11 mo. and 2.5 yrs) and think having a job I feel driven to do well at would give me a good mental balance against the stressors of my kids (my youngest has many severe food allergies and just general busyness of kids), but my mom is pressuring me just to “stay where I am” because it’s easy (I did realize I can do my job in a few hours every couple days, save for some busy times over the course of the pandemic). Am I crazy or stupid for wanting to keep pushing myself professionally even with two young kids?
Anonymous says
Definitely not!!!
GovAtty says
Thank you so much for this response!
IHeartBaacon says
ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Being unhappy in your job can easily bleed into your personal life. I noticed that when I am having a really rough spell at work, I come home really irritable and I’m sure I take it out on my family sometimes — I’m short tempered because everything annoys me, I have no energy for fun things, etc.
Don’t listen to your mom. She is giving you bad advice. You need to find a job that fulfills you because you can’t pour from an empty cup.
GovAtty says
Thanks for this. This is the voice I hear in the back of my head. My mom says I’m “at my best” when I’m with my kids, but I don’t want to “just” be with my kids if that makes sense. I want to be there for them both by literally being in the room with them when I can, but also by being me (which includes being driven professionally). Ugh, “mom brain” is so much more complex than I thought it would be!
Boston Legal Eagle says
I fully believe that what’s “best for the kids” are happy, fulfilled parents, regardless of what that looks like work-wise for them. If it means a more demanding, intellectually stimulating job, then go for it! If your mom was a SAHM, she may not get it, but every one of us is different in what makes us fulfilled. In house can be flexible too, especially once you establish yourself.
GovAtty says
Thank you for saying this! This makes so much sense and (FWIW to you) is really making me feel better.
IHeartBacon says
I believe your mom when she says you are “at your best” when you are with your kids. I say this because I’m definitely my best when I’m with my kid. All the best parts of me come out: love, tenderness, patience, sympathy, gratitude, silliness, being present, etc. And I work a 50-55 hour workweek, M-F, including my commute, plus 4-6 hours over the weekends from home.
If your inner voice/feeling is that a you want a more a more fulfilling job, then I can’t see how being more fulfilled would lead to you being “worse” with your kids. Does that make sense?
EDAnon says
My husband recently left his job as a government attorney to go in house (for twice the pay!). His government job was actually more demanding than his new role (which sounds different than your situation). The takeaway, though, is that advancement doesn’t always mean worse off.
I have taken two big promotions since having kids and only occasionally regret it. I make more money, which brings flexibility. I am in a role that I enjoy so going to work doesn’t seem like something that pulls me away from kids (rather I feel it gives me balance. I love working). I do sometimes regret that I don’t have my old, easier job, but I also don’t think I would enjoy it anymore if I did have it. Since I am going to be working, I try to make work something I enjoy doing. If you don’t enjoy your job, I would look for another one. You can use your good setup now to be pickier about what you move into.
GovAtty says
Thank you so much for this response! I used to really enjoy (and miss enjoying) working and after some scary experiences recently with my son’s food allergies, I have been feeling like if I’m going to spend time away from him and my daughter working (and I don’t really see not working as an option – we could afford it, but I do like to work), I want my work to feel fulfilling, rather than just something that pays for what I need, which I remind myself it does every time I have a frustrating interaction or I feel sadly stagnated, etc. (and definitely not exorbitantly – I’m not surprised your husband’s shift got him a step up in pay). ((Wow, that’s a long sentence, but I don’t have the energy to fix it.))
anon says
Not at all! I just left my crappy govt job (sounds similar to yours) for the same reasons (and have kids the same age as yours). Already much happier overall and a better mom/wife as well. Go for it!
GovAtty says
Thank you for this push! I think this weirdness I’ve been feeling might be some depression, which is (luckily, I realize) not something I am used to. You’re right, I should probably just try to get out of this rut since I don’t even like it here anyway!
Anonanonanon says
Definitely not!
I left my state gov job when my littlest was around 3 months old for similar reasons. It’s not for everyone, it can be a very challenging environment if you’re a high performer. I compensated by chairing or participating in every state working group relevant to my job, leading regional initiatives, etc. but eventually got offered double my salary to continue doing that “extra” stuff somewhere else, so I did it! So glad I did!
GovAtty says
This is resonating with me so much. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what exactly made this job feel challenging over the last few years and I think you nailed it. Thank you! I’m so glad I posted this today (I’ve read this blog for so long, but never actually posted)!
Anon says
I don’t think you’re crazy or stupid for wanting a more challenging job, but I would also not underestimate the value of flexible work hours, especially as your kids get older. Daycare years are the easiest years in some ways. When your kids are in elementary they will be out of school all summer and on weekdays around 3:30 and having the flexibility to leave the office early (even occasionally) to be home with them can be really great. I haven’t heard of many places that have as much flexibility as the government, although the pandemic may have made some private sector employers more flexible.
Anon says
Reply to GovAtty, obviously.
GovAtty says
Thank you so much for this response. That is a really good point. I don’t think I have any desire to get back into private practice for this very reason. But, thinking about what sort of different demands an in-house role at a private company (which is what I’m thinking I might want) might entail has been taking up brain space lately, too. I need a crystal ball!
anon says
Can you move to a different agency?
GovAtty says
Unfortunately, I think the niche knowledge that got me hired is kind of pigeon-holing me and it might be tough to make a shift like that without my current supervisor’s backing (which I’m not really interested in pursuing), but I’m definitely keeping an eye out for possible moves like that.
EDAnon says
I posted above about my husband going in-house from government. He was also in a niche specialty and was recruited to a really great company in that industry. It’s going well so far!
anon says
I need gift ideas for my soon-to-be 2-year-old niece. I’m tired of being the boring aunt who only buys books and art supplies, haha.
Anon says
Does she have a toy shopping cart? My same-age kid loves pushing things and putting things in things.
Anon says
Shopping cart was a big hit with my 2 year old at the beginning of lockdown. Play food fits with that theme too. Baby doll and stroller were also very popular with my daughter at that age.
Cb says
One of the big green toys school buses? If she has a baby doll she likes, does she have a baby sling? My son things putting baby in the sling is really fun.
Clementine says
I’m a big fan of the ‘nightgowns that are actually princess dresses’. You can get them at Target. They straddle the line between practical and ridiculous in just the right way.
…Was my mom a hippie feminist who didn’t let me wear them out of the house? Yes, 100%. Do I let my kid wear them to school if she chooses as long as she puts shorts underneath (more for seat protection on the slide than modesty)? Absolutely.
Anon says
Fisher Price Little People are fabulous for that age. I’d get a playset like the pirate ship or the tree house or school bus, and then add some additional people for more imagination. Amazon has a couple “Big Helpers Family” sets that are multicultural, but there’s also a Superhero set and Community Helpers and Princesses.
Bonus, they also make Little People flip books. So if you still want to be true to your roots, you can add in a flip book that goes with the theme. We have Let’s Get Moving and On The Farm – both have been mega hits.
Curious says
Not quite a book (but basically a book): Two year old niece’s parents requested a leap pad book on animals. When she touches the horse it says “horse”! She loves it.
Looking for estate attorney says
How do I find a good attorney for wills for me, DH and my parents? We’re not from around here originally and I can’t think of anyone with similar life circumstances for a good rec. FWIW, we’re in Suffolk County, NY.
Toddler tantrum says
How do you deal with tantrums when they are exclusively directed at your spouse? Our toddler is in full tantrum mode these days when it comes to getting dressed, going potty, getting ready for bed, etc.–when my husband is taking care of him. When I’m managing things, tantrums are rare. We have a 6-month-old, and I’m still BFing her, so it’s easy to figure out why this is happening–my attention is often focused on the baby. But I really don’t like our current solution, which is that I end up doing everything, and as a result we’re always running behind.
Anonymous says
You need to let him handle it. Why are you intervening and doing it? Removing yourself from where the interaction is happening will help both you and toddler. It’s very hard on toddler if they know you are in the next room and not coming to them when they call. I’ll often be on a different floor so it’s more out of sight, out of mind.
Acknowledgement of toddler feelings often helps “I know you want Mommy but it’s Daddy’s turn to help tonight.”
And be involved where you can so maybe read one book while nursing and DH reads the second book in toddler’s room. “let’s get jammies on super quick so Mommy can read you a book.”
AnotherAnon says
I don’t handle tantrums when my spouse is caring for my kid; my spouse handles them. Does he handle it differently than I would? Absolutely. I do not comment on the way DH handles tantrums. The most I will ever do is afterward, when kiddo is not around, I may give DH an insight into why I think kiddo tantrummed. In the moment, you need to stay out of the situation completely (like physically not available) or you’ll make it much worse: your kid will triangulate. They’re masters at this. Your spouse just repeats: “I know you want mommy but she’s feeding sister. I will get you dressed today.” It gets better (for everyone) with practice. Also, if you can give kiddo extra one on one time with you that may help as well. I know it’s a tough transition. I don’t mean for any of this to sound rude or harsh but your spouse is also your kid’s parent! You’re robbing him/her of an opportunity for connection with your kiddo by stepping in. Let them figure it out.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Repeat to yourself: Tantrums are normal. So so normal. You/husband are not doing anything wrong, little kids just need to get their big emotions out. The goal is not to prevent them, the goal is to acknowledge their feelings while still getting them dressed, pottied, etc. It won’t sound pleasant, but you also can’t just step in every time.
Anon says
I agree to let your husband handle them – if you are always stepping in, kid learns that tantrums get him what he wants. If you have a difference of opinion in how to parent, work on getting on the same page.
As a corollary, figure out when you and your husband are at your best and have the most patience. Split parenting duties accordingly. My husband is best in the morning and by evening is spent; I am the opposite. He does the morning with the kids, and I handle bedtime. I have a 6, 3 and newborn so I understand the breastfeeding dilemma, but i let him take the (often crying) baby for the olders’ bedtime hour, otherwise there is lots of yelling from both my kids and husband! It also helps me give focused attention to my big kids that they can expect each night.