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Clementine says
Okay, trying to figure out what to get for our (amazing) au pair and my (fine) staffers at work.
So far we’ve gotten her air pods as her ‘thing to open’. I think we’ll probably get her some other small things (ski socks, my son wants to get her something, stocking stuffer type items), but… I’m just not sure what the norm is. The ‘big’ gift for our family is ski passes for everyone (including her) and my kids will each only have a couple things to open.
At work – I can’t gift cash and the max is $20/person. Previously I’ve given travel mugs with a DD gift card in them, flashlights, and a gift card to the coffee place in our building. This year, I’m thinking of just… stuffing a Christmas card with Scratch off Lotto tickets. Any other ideas?
Cb says
I’d do coffee giftcards, it’s something people can use or regift and I don’t think it matters that it’s a repeat given that low limit. I’d be slightly annoyed by scratchers.
Anon says
+1. I don’t drink coffee but I can find something to eat or drink at any coffee shop and worst case I can give it to a family member. I wouldn’t want lotto tickets.
NYCer says
+2. I think it would be fine to give one scratch off lotto ticket with a $20 coffee gift card kind of as a joke, but I wouldn’t just give the scratchers.
Re the au pair, ski pass + air pods + stocking stuffers seems like enough to me.
NYCer says
Agree with others re cash for the au pair as well. I assumed this gifts were on top of an xmas “bonus” for her.
Clementine says
Sorry, yeah – this is correct. She’s getting cash too.
And (if it matters), the ski pass is for a place where she can also go on days off and she is a skier.
AIMS says
I think coffee gift cards is fine! If there is a go-to lunch spot that has gift cards, you can try for that if you want something different.
Anonymous says
For the au pair, $500 cash. A ticket to go do something with your family which is her job isn’t like really 100% a gift!
For work, if a $20 coffee gift card is acceptable just do that. Scratchers are gambling which no everyone is into and to me basically trash.
Anon says
With the caveat that I’ve never had an au pair, this stuck out to me in your narrative as well. Not that you can’t give them to her, especially if that is what everyone else is opening and she is coming too, but I would really not frame it as her gift.
AIMS says
I read it as something she could use on her own time as well? Which, if she likes to ski, would be a fun gift.
Anon says
Coffee giftcard seems fine to me. I would also love fancy hand cream or if you can get a decent one on sale a wireless charger for my desk but YMMV.
Anne-on says
We aimed to give our au pair christmas presents that were roughly equal to her weekly stipend plus $100ish of ‘things’ to open + small stocking gifts. I think air pods, plus stocking and a check/cash is best. I saved up my sephora samples all year and stuck those in her stocking along with her favorite candy/snacks. Au pair gift from child was usually something small and homemade or a book (we give books on Christmas Eve).
For your team I’d go with a coffee or Target gift card. Closest thing to cash and easy to buy in bulk.
Anonymous says
Cash for your au pair, plus stocking stuffers.
$20 gift cards for coffee – no lotto tickets.
Clementine says
Thanks guys! I think I was stressing over giving her something else to open… but really – like… we do some minimal physical gifts but are more of an ‘experience’ crew over here.
FWIW, she’s also getting matching Christmas pajamas but… like, I put that down like her Christmas stocking as more of a ‘fun American holiday tradition’.
Clementine says
Oh, and $20 gift cards for (Coffee Shop) are… literally the easiest thing I could do, so… DONE.
Anon says
If you really want something for her to open, I’ve had good luck getting this carry on for au pairs. It’s great for weekend trips.
https://a.co/d/0DZCnUD
Anon says
Saw my husband’s extended family this weekend. The women in his family tend to do much more of the parenting and the mental load for holidays (to varying degrees). The men tend to sit around and watch football. In our day to day my husband’s a full parent and even this weekend he was one of the more involved husbands, but it sure as heck wasn’t 50-50 and I was ready to strangle him.
NYCer says
I am sure lots of people here will disagree, but I don’t think the goal needs to be 50-50 every single day. If we are visiting my husband’s family, I am fine personally with him spending more time with his brother and sister (including watching a sporting event or just sitting around chit chatting), and me handling the kids more. Then another weekend when I want to go out with my friends (no siblings) or do something else, he can handle the kids more. I just don’t see a huge issue with what you’ve described.
Anon says
I agree. I used to get annoyed with my husband because he would ignore the kids and get wrapped up in long conversations at family and holiday events, leaving all the childcare to me, but then I realized this social time is like oxygen for him. He’s hungry for connection. So now I cut him slack.
Anonymous says
I agree, but it works best when this expectation is known and agreed to at the outset.
Anon says
Why do you have to agree from the outset? Relationships thrive when you build up a strong connection of mutual trust and appreciation, not when you make overt tit for tat demands and keep a scorecard of who does more. If you’re drained by holiday events and caring for the kids, plan extra self-care for yourself, do things that make you happy. Ask for help but don’t stand there judging all the men for “sitting around,” as if rest and family time has no meaning for them.
Anon says
I agree about not being 50-50 every day. That’s a fruitless exercise. But now I’m wondering if I’m the only person who expects my husband to do MORE when we’re with his family, not less. I feel like I need a break from his family so I escape to my bedroom to work (or “work”) and leave him to wrangle the kid and his family. Oops.
Anon says
Yeah, that’s fair and I probably could have clarified. We were staying with his family for a funeral (not a close member, this wasn’t about grief). The day of, 2 of the women left early for to help prep, leaving 5 adults to get 7 kids fed, dressed and ready. What ended up happening was the 2 remaining women (myself included) did all of it. My husband was literally alone in the attic playing a video game, the other men spent the whole time in their separate rooms on their phones “getting ready”. Not cool dude. Not cool.
NYCer says
Yes, with these additional facts, I also would have been ready to strangle him. :)
Anonymous says
I mean…did you walk in there and say “Can you please help me!?”
AwayEmily says
I know this question has been asked a thousand times before, but I need winter boots for my first-grader. We’d been happy with Bogs previously — they kept her warm and were easy to get on and off — but suddenly she’s saying she doesn’t like how they feel. I’d like them to be reasonably easy to get on and off (so, no laces) and waterproof. It gets cold but not Midwest-cold where we are (average winter day is in the 20s). Any advice welcome! I’m happy to pay a bit more since these will get passed on to her little brother and sister eventually.
Cb says
I wonder if the top is rubbing? Could some fun bootliners make the existing boots more comfortable?
Anonymous says
LLbean and Kamiks. You want ones that cinch at the top for snow if you get snow in your area.
GCA says
Our Kamik snow boots have held up well, and they have removable liners so you can always switch those out for younger siblings if they wear down.
AwayEmily says
Do the liners get all squinched down? That’s always my concern with lined boots. They sometimes require a lot of extra work to keep from getting all wrinkly in there, and the kids inevitably complain. But maybe these are designed better than the cheapo lined ones we’ve had before.
GCA says
No one has complained so far! (Just wait, now I’ve jinxed it and the 4yo with the mild sensory idiosyncrasies will start a one-woman chorus of ‘this doesn’t FEEL good…’)
FP says
Lands End boots have held up very well for our winters at a similar climate. We buy the “Snow Flurry Insulated Winter Boots” and they get handed down to younger siblings, then cousins.
Pogo says
these are what we have post-Bogs.
Anonymous says
Another vote for Kamiks!
Tea/Coffee says
+1 to LL Bean. Little brother has never worn anything but Sister’s hand me down’s although we live in the Mid-Atlantic so snow is spotty, it’s not like we are using them constantly all winter.
So Anon says
For those with middle schoolers – how do you handle holiday gifts for the teachers? My son went from having one or two teachers to seven. I generally get each teacher a gift card to Starbucks, Amazon or Target for a good sum. I’m not up for doing the same amount times seven. Is the answer as simple as gift cards but for smaller amounts?
Anonymous says
If you really want to do something you could do $10 Starbucks gift cards. I stopped giving teacher gifts in middle school, though. I would have the kids write personalized thank-you notes to special teachers at the end of the year.
Anonymous says
We stopped after elementary school and so did basically everyone else. Once they don’t have a set Teacher but rotate it gets silly.
Anon says
Former middle school teacher – a $10 gift card is very generous. I didn’t get a gift from all kids but being that I had 150 students, those $10s quickly added up. I occasionally got a $25 gift card and we thought that was extremely generous.
Gift cards to Target are always good. I always got so many Starbucks gift cards but I don’t drink coffee so I would give them to my SIL.
Anon says
Teacher gifts stop after elementary in our area.
Tea/Coffee says
We have started only doing a gift for homeroom in MS (however her homeroom teacher also teaches a core subject, so they are together way more than 15 mins/day)!
Anonymous says
My husband is a high school teacher and mostly gets token gifts (candy, mug, etc). Phase out the gift!
anon says
At our school, the kids’ advisors are also their homeroom teachers and one of their subject teachers so we just do a gift for the advisor.
Anon says
anyone else have the pre-holiday jitters. i was all excited that we aren’t traveling this year with our 4.5 year old twins but instead family is coming to us now that we have a house, but my MIL’s last visit was a bit of a disaster, bc one of my 4.5 year olds has been acting out a lot lately and now i’m nervous about parenting in front of guests and managing everyone’s feelings. and my SIL is coming with her soon-to-be-fiance and while my SIL doesn’t want a wedding, her bf does, so they will be having one and my MIL already found a venue even though they aren’t engaged yet and the date they’ve chosen is the weekend before my twins start kindergarten and the wedding is a 4 hour plane ride each way, and assuming the schedule stays the same as previous years, they might miss meet the teacher and the class play date, and then we would land on sunday and they’d start school on Monday. we live in an area very prone to flight delays that time of year due to weather, i’m sure the kids will be a bundle of nerves with starting a new school, and so i kind of want to talk to SIL about potentially selecting a different date, but i’m the kind of person who feels anxious about something until the conversation can happen and the conversation probably can’t happen until friday or saturday. and my mom passed away a few years ago right after thanksgiving, so this time of year is also challenging in other ways. ok, vent over. thanks for reading :-)
Pogo says
I think if the SIL doesn’t really want a wedding anyway, maybe she’d be fine changing the date? Depends how close you are with her whether I would actually say something or not.
I also hate parenting misbehaving kids in front of my in-laws. Solidarity.
Anon says
This only addresses about 1% of your concerns all of which are completely valid, but fwiw we got little value out of the kindergarten before school start play date. And I say that as someone who is 100% a joiner and shows up to everything. Even if your kid randomly meets a kid there they wouldn’t have otherwise, if that kid or kids don’t happen to be in their class they aren’t going to really build on that because they will be SO focused on the kids in their class for a long time once school starts. At least that has been my experience.
NYCer says
+1. The teachers spend A LOT of time at the beginning of Kindergarten introducing the class, getting the kids to know each other, etc. I really wouldn’t worry about missing the playdate. And I bet the teachers would be willing to do a meet the teacher with your kids another day if you could swing that.
Also, regardless of what your SIL has said about wanting or not wanting a wedding, I think it is a fairly big ask to request them to change the date because of the first day of Kindergarten. But YMMV depending on your relationship with her.
Anon says
Sorry but I kind of agree about the date change. I say that as someone who plans group trips a lot. To find a weekend that works for a large number of people that avoids major and even minor holidays, key player’s birthdays, presumably the couple’s work situations, takes weather concerns into consideration etc etc etc is really, really hard and you quickly eliminate almost every weekend. To ask to move it for this….I don’t know. I would be internally worried about it too, but I don’t think it’s something you can ask for.
Anon says
interesting, see i think you should take into account the schedules of the people you want at your wedding, depending on how important it is to you that they be present. when i got married, two of my closest friends were in med school and i really wanted them at our wedding, and took into account their rotation schedules when choosing a date. my cousin when planning her bat mitzvah planned so it wouldnt conflict with my college graduation (and this required thinking 2 years ahead of time). i guess different people/families think about this differently
Anonymous says
Yeah ok but 5 year olds don’t need a week at home to prepare to show up to kindergarten. You don’t make someone move her wedding because you’ve got anxiety you need to work through.
NYCer says
I mean, OP and her kids can still make it to the wedding on the date SIL is planning. It is totally fine to fly back on a Sunday and start school on a Monday.
Anon says
But it’s about scope. For starters, a family member’s college graduation often involves a lot of family members that want to attend that, so of course you wouldn’t want to plan a competing family event at the same time. That makes sense to me. Kindergarten starts do not have that same dynamic. Also, the proposed date doesn’t even actually interfere with the start of Kindergarten. So it’s kind of asking to move it to not miss a meet the teacher event and the off chance of a plane delay. There are only a certain level of things you can plan around before you eliminate every date. But who knows, maybe there are a ton of other dates for this broader family that work.
Anon says
Yeah I think it’s pretty crazy to ask SIL to change the wedding date. And if someone does ask it should be your DH not you. Let him manage his family.
Anon says
And for context our school doesn’t even have an organized playdate! I wish they did, but kids start kindergarten all the time without having one and are fine.
Anon says
I think you are projecting your anxiety around holidays onto this (potential) wedding and would encourage you to start whatever coping mechanisms you use to stop the spiral.
If it does end up that way, we were at the beach with my family and missed all of the K play dates and it was totally fine. We were back in time to do meet the teacher, but TBH I think it freaked my kid out more because there were 3x as many people in the classroom with parents and kids all at the same time and she very quickly got overwhelmed in a way that I don’t think would have happened if she just started a new school year. What might help more is visiting the school over the summer to drop by, check out the playground, walk the halls, etc.
FP says
Adding to the above – our kindergarten actually scheduled three different summer play dates to try to catch everyone, since so many people travel. If you end up having to miss the teacher and class play date, and are still worried about not meeting everyone, I would try to schedule even a very casual playground meet-up one day over the summer, and the school or teacher or PTO may be able to help you. Don’t worry about this until you have to. I agree with the others that this is not a reason to ask someone to change their wedding date – I’m sorry!
OP says
thanks all for the feedback and perspective shifting, historically my kids have been a hot mess express the weekend before school starts and need a lot of downtime and parent support leading up to the start. they are also kids who have high sleep needs. i also don’t want their behavior to interfere with SIL’s celebration in anyway, and as we all know, we cannot control kids’ behavior and them throwing tantrums all weekend and not making it down the aisle is stressful. no contract has been signed yet, and SIL and MIL don’t seem at all into this wedding, more like something to check off the list and perhaps i’d feel differently if there was some reason for this particular venue or date, but i understand what everyone is saying. SIL hasn’t even seen the venue and as of now doesn’t even plan on visiting before the contract is signed. i am also probably bringing some feelings from our own wedding planning when MIL insisted a wedding could not take place between memorial day and labor day bc it interfered with her summer. we were also not allowed to get married on the sunday of a 3 day weekend, our wedding had to be as fancy as possible, lots of opinions on food, etc.
Anonymous says
Historically? They are 4.5. Please
Consider that this is your anxiety to manage not theirs.
Anon says
Eh this is a little unfair. I also have a 4.5 year old and I think it’s fair to say I can anticipate how she’ll behave in a situation based on past behavior. They’re not newborns.
Anon says
Have you talked to SIL about whether or not she actually wants the kids there? Maybe my family dynamics are different than others, but if she scheduled the date with no input from you I would read this as she wants a childfree wedding and doesn’t want to tell you that directly. If your kids aren’t attending, I think it’s reasonable for you to stay home with them as well. Your husband should go obviously.
Vicky Austin says
I wouldn’t read any intention by SIL into the date choice since it seems like most of this is at MIL’s behest anyway. But it’s worth exploring that maybe OP can stay home and husband can go.
Anon says
So if your SIL and sig the date works for you, you can say you know what it’s actually not great. Or you can decide it’s important to have your kids at home that weekend and so your family isn’t all going and just send you or your husband. But no, you can’t out of the blue ask someone to change their wedding date!
Also it’s not your job to manage other people’s feelings. Be respectful and a good host and people will feel how they feel.
Anon says
If you’ve mutually decided with your husband that you aren’t taking your kids if it’s that weekend, you could (should, IMO) tell SIL that. As a bride I would want to move my wedding date if my nieces weren’t going to be able to attend. Of course she’s also free to decide she doesn’t care and keep the original date, that’s her prerogative. But I would feel blindsided if we had no heads up about the fact that my sibling’s kids weren’t attending our wedding and just received a “no” RSVP when the invites went out, by which point it’s way too late to change the dates.
Anonymous says
Omg. Please take a breath. Do not voice this anxiety to real people. She isn’t even engaged and your panicking about school? They can go to a wedding and fly home Sunday morning. It is ok. Please work through this without involving your family.
Anon says
I suggest letting go of the idea of managing everyone’s feelings. That’s actually not within your control and it adds stress and makes it seem like you should be able to produce a magical outcome that isn’t really up to you.
Anonymous says
Here is how weddings work. The couple sets the date and invites guests. Guests accept or decline the invitation based on their schedules, budgets, etc. Guests do not demand a date change because of kindergarteners’ schedules.
Anon says
Guests do not “demand” a date change for sure. But I think with close family it isn’t quite as simple as “couple invites, guests accept or decline.” I know we cleared our wedding date with our immediate family and some very good friends. We didn’t ask them for input on what dates they liked, it was like “is this date ok?” and the understanding was that they would say yes unless they had a very important pre-existing obligation on that date. But I would have felt blindsided if I didn’t find out my sibling’s kid’s (and spouse?) weren’t attending until I sent out the invites.
Anon says
Not the point, but this relationship may not end in engagement. A good friend in college was obsessed with getting married on a particular date (one of those numerically cute dates like 7-7-07) and she put a deposit down on a venue and her “soon to be fiance” (which is really just a boyfriend) was upset about being rushed into marriage and broke it off. It’s pretty weird to book a venue before you’re formally engaged (especially if it’s MIL’s doing!) and I would not assume this relationship will last.
Isabella says
I suspect this is more like waiting for a planned proposal, probably on Christmas or NYE. To me, if one person says they are going to ask and the other person says they are going to say yes– they’re already engaged.
Anonymous says
Yeah, there is no such thing as a “soon to be fiance.” Either you’ve decided to get married or you haven’t.
Anonymous says
All you need to worry about is not dumping your misbehaving kids on your relatives to deal with. As long as you don’t do that, you’re fine and your relatives’ reactions to your kids’ misbehavior is their problem.
Signed, my SIL did not bother to supervise her children at my house last night so one jumped off the arm of the sofa and the other pulled all the books out of the bookcase
Anon says
I will dissent and say I would not have brought my child home from a plane trip the day before starting Kindergarten. I agree that missing the play date and teacher meet and greet isn’t a big deal. Like everyone else is saying the teacher will likely be able to arrange an alternate time to meet your kid, and kids will have to make friends once school starts anyway. But traveling (especially with a time change – not sure if that’s a factor here?) that close to starting a new school would be really hard on a lot of kids including mine and I’d say she rolls with the punches pretty well when it comes to travel. We take an annual vacation to a family vacation home in early August. It’s very low key, same timezone, nothing stressful or emotionally exhausting, and the year my kid was starting K we deliberately rescheduled it so we wouldn’t be coming home the day before school started. After seeing how much of a mess my kid was the first month of K, I was very glad we did that.
FP says
I mean, yes I agree that I would not plan an optional plane trip vacation for immediately before school, but sometimes you have to work with your family and compromise. I think it’s irrational to ask to change the date of the wedding, and I also think it’s irrational to decline to attend for the reason of starting kindergarten on a Monday after a Saturday wedding, when you have Sunday to fly back and get ready. Your kids will be exhausted no matter what.
Anon says
I think the time change would be the deciding factor for me. I agree if it’s same timezone you can make it work even though it’s not ideal. But if they’re going to be jetlagged by 2-3 hours, I wouldn’t do it even for a wedding. The first week of K is hard enough without the kid’s body thinking it’s several hours earlier or later than it really is. Even a couple hours of jetlag impacts my kid’s behavior significantly and the struggle bus of jetlag and the struggle bus of K at the same time would be really, really hard for many kids.
SC says
I’d probably just send my kid to kindergarten on Tuesday or Wednesday instead of Monday. But my kid started kindergarten in the fall of 2020, so maybe I just have very flexible ideas of kindergarten.
Anon says
Depends on your school district I think. Ours is super strict and you can get referred to truancy if you have more than 7 unexcused absences/year. I think (?) illness with a doctor’s note is excused, but I still wouldn’t want to burn a couple unexcused absences right up front given how limited they are – what if a close family member dies and we have to travel for the funeral? Plus there are all the sick days when you really don’t need a doctor and it’s a huge waste of time and money to go to the doctor just to get a note for school.
Anon. says
I feel like you got weirdly dumped on here for no good reason.
Yep – I hate parenting my misbehaving kids in front of my parents and inlaws too. And of course there’s more misbehaving during holidays because schedules are out of whack etc and expectations are high to make holiday family time together magical. Part of it is I parent differently than my parents did and I assume they are judging me while I do it. Rationally I know this is probably not true, but in the moment it’s hard. I try really hard now to do as much of the hard parenting in private – physically carrying the melting down toddler to another room or outside so everyone doesn’t listen to me discipline.
And I similarly would be anxious about a wedding the weekend before starting school. We actually declined an invitation to my cousin’s wedding next summer for exactly this reason. Different than a direct family wedding, but I agree with your concerns. Whether I’d say something to SIL about changing dates would really depend on relationship with her, how locked in she seemed to the date etc. No great advice, but I hear you.
So Anon says
Not exactly a parenting question, but this group is amazing: Now that we are in the darkest few months of the year, are there any concrete things that you do with your home or family to bring a bit more joy and light into your environment? The swing in daylight where I live is intense. In the summers it is light by 4am and gets dark around 9 or 9:30. Right now, the sun rises at 6:45 and it will be dusk at 3:30. And, it is cold, with a high of 26 today, and we are months away from the coldest time of year. Any ideas?
Anon says
This might be an obvious one, but my kids love driving around to look at holiday light displays.
Anon says
+1
octagon says
We do a lot of flashlight walks after dinner. The fresh air always feels great, even when it takes us longer to get outside than the time we spend walking.
Anon says
Flashlight tag in the backyard or flashlight walks. Once holiday lights are up we go walk around and look at those too. We also got backyard lighting that makes the swingset and fire pit easier to use even in the dark, and I added solar lights to the clubhouse part. I try to invite friends over for s’mores nights regularly on the weekends. All the warm clothes so that we can be comfortable outside. I hung cafe string lights in our three-season room and added a space heater for the winter and that has become the puzzle and lego room for the season even though you still definitely need an extra sweater to hang out there. I also like to make cozy food that simmers for a long time on the stove as it makes the kitchen a draw for people to wander in. I pulled out my tea kettle (I only drink tea in the winter).
I personally am very sensitive to daylight. One of the things I used to do as a student when I needed to stay up late to study was close all the blinds and drapes before dusk set in and crank up all the indoor lighting. It was enough to trick my brain into not realizing it was dark so early because I couldn’t “see” it (may not be feasible depending on your window situation and need to go out in those late afternoon hours before it is “supposed” to be dark). I wonder if strategically placing some of those sunshine lamps in the key areas your family gathers would help.
I am also thinking about starting a family game night routine on Friday nights, or movie night with sleeping bags, just something fun and indoors to get excited about at the end of a week.
Anon says
Get the clothes and gear you need to be comfortable spending lots of time outside – flashlights, glowsticks, warm coats, comfortable boots, cute hats, plastic sleds, you name it. Throw money at this problem and get everyone outdoors in both light and dark as much as possible. Pick up a hobby that you can all do together – skiing, hockey, whatever you’re interested in. Finding ways to ENJOY winter (not just live through it) is absolutely key. It’s one of the most beautiful and fun times of year for my family – or at least it is now after I realized that I do need to put in that effort.
Anonymous says
Twinkle lights in the house. Even after the holidays. Exercise (even inside) always helps me. Booking a spring break trip (typically to see family in FL) and having it to look forward to.
Anonymous says
Target has these little $5 battery powered light strings I’ve put on my mantle and around candles- you can set them to turn on automatically, for 6 hours at a time. They make the house feel very cozy.
Spirograph says
+1 we put these little light strings on the edge of our mantle and hang all our friends’ holiday cards from them.
Possibly the best thing to come out of pandemic is firepit nights with our neighbors. Granted you’ll need more layers on than we do in DC but we cozy up to the fire with blankets and wine or hot beverages. When the days get shorter that just means it’s dark early enough to do this on a week night!
Deedee says
Lighting candles regularly in the evening, building fires on the weekends, a wake-up lamp so it’s not dark when my alarm rings.
anon says
We have a plug in disco light/ ball that brings so much joy and changes the mood instantly.
Anonymous says
I want this. How fun!
Anonymous says
The kids made little votive holders and we have been lighting votive candles before breakfast and at dinner every day!
DLC says
I try to plan even more activities to get us out of the house and see other people. I find that being social really helps lift my mood. And by being social I mean the people/families that I really want to see and who we can just hang out and laugh and have a beer with.
Anon says
We put Christmas lights up on the bushes in our backyard as well as our front yard this year. We did it because our house backs up to the street, so cars driving by can see them. It turns out I also get to enjoy them when I’m doing the dishes and cleaning up at night (versus the front of the house where I can really only see them if we go outside). It makes the yard feel cheerier because it gets dark so early now. The kids love it, too.
Bostonian says
Boston here. Sounds like you may be a tad further to the north, but maybe not by much. Nevertheless, there’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad outfits. Bundle up. Flash lights, holiday lights. You name it. We hang christmas lights from our swing set and they’re lit up all winter long. Winter, early sunsets and cold is a fact of life in these parts. You either work with it or become miserable by working against it.
anon says
My MIL watches my one year old once a week while I WFH and omg I cannot with the high pitched squeaking baby talk. Whyyyyyy do people talk to babies in falsetto??
Anonymous says
Why do people get so worked up about baby talk? It’s a natural human thing
Anon says
It’s annoying, but it’s one of those things you need to let go of if you’re going to utilize grandparent childcare. This will be the first of many mildly annoying things your MIL does :)
anon says
Oh it’s not the first, trust me! But yes I understand that free childcare means putting up with annoyances
Anonymous says
Because it helps babies learn language.
https://news.ufl.edu/2021/12/the-importance-of-baby-talk/#:~:text=A%20new%20study%20suggests%20that,understand%20what%20we're%20saying.
It is universal across all cultures.
https://www.npr.org/2022/07/23/1113206642/baby-talk-parenting-language-research
Anon says
It’s biological. Apparently humans have evolved to speak to babies in this way! That’s why even complete strangers will coo/use baby voices to babies they have never met.
Team Baby Talk says
I know you probably are venting rather than asking … but if you really want to know, there’s actually all kinds of research into this topic! It’s pretty interesting actually. Full disclosure that I am “guilty” of baby talk myself; I find it really hard to talk to babies like they were full grown adults.
Assuming you’re venting and not actually asking, being annoyed at someone who is in your house while you’re trying to work is totally normal IMO. It’s just irritating to have someone making noise in the background, etc. So your annoyance is totally fair.
Anon says
I get being annoyed by it but I have a friend who is a linguist focused on babies and she said the research really supports using baby talk as helpful for language and cognitive development. So try to think of it that way!
Anon says
I have a baby with a LOT of hair. I’d like to do ponytails etc but it seems like hair bands may be a choking hazard? Are there baby-safe hair accessories other than baby barrettes and those stretchy headbands?
Fallen says
Is anyone here part of a country club? We always thought no but are thinking through carefully whether to join since for the next two year while we can use the junior member initiation fee. What do you use it for/ do you find it worthwhile? Husband golfs and I could see us using the pool with kids, but not sure it is worth the price tag? We live in a wealthy nyc burb if it matters, and very much not into the country club stereotype scene.
Anonymous says
We are not country club members but my in-laws sometimes take us as guests to their club. I wouldn’t spend the money unless it were very conveniently located and I planned to spend pretty much every day there with the kids all summer, or I planned to do serious business networking on the golf course. Like if you were a high-end realtor and planned to spend every day golfing and then hanging out in the clubhouse hanging with the rich folks who might be wanting to buy a home, it could be worthwhile.
Anon says
If you like it, I think it would be pretty hard to just stop, so I’d really consider whether you want to make that the norm for your family. I live in an area where lots of people join private pools because the hours are better than the public pools. For me there is just too much history of racism and classism tied up to be comfortable.
Anon says
+1 I’m Jewish and would never be comfortable joining any kind of country club. Just too much history of racism, classism and anti-Semitism for me. I also don’t really have any interest in one though – we live in the Midwest so no ocean activities, we don’t golf, and I don’t see why we wouldn’t just use the much cheaper public pools.
Anonymous says
I don’t understand this logic. How are these organizations going to become more inclusive if people don’t join them? Or is the goal to end their existence?
Anonymous says
Sure why not? Country clubs don’t need to exist. Their only purpose is being exclusive. If no one joins them eventually they either shut or convert to public.
Anon says
I guess I don’t see it any differently than anyone who chooses not to patronize a business because it doesn’t align with their values, like how some people boycott Chik Fil A or Sodastream or whatever. I obviously don’t think I’m going to single-handedly “end their existence” (lol, I’m not rich enough for most of these clubs even if I wanted to join) but I also wouldn’t be sad if they ceased to exist. They’re really gross organizations with a history centered around discrimination. I realize lots of organizations in the US have a history of racism and anti-Semitism, but in country clubs the discrimination was central to the whole point of the organization’s existence, not incidental.
Separately, I also don’t think it’s right to put the burden on minorities to help a historically racist org “become more inclusive.” No one wants to be a token __ person. It’s the organization that needs to do the work, not the people who have historically been excluded. This is true in all contexts (workplaces, schools, etc), not just country clubs.
ElisaR says
i’m a commenter from below. we joined a historically Jewish club. we are not Jewish. Maybe things are different in the midwest. It could certainly be classist because it costs money to belong.
Anon says
IMO, clubs are best for people with a specific hobby that the club can greatly facilitate. I have family members who live on the water in a coastal New England town and the yacht club they belong to is a huge help for their sailing hobby – they get to use the launch, attend sailing events, enjoy reciprocity with other clubs in other harbors, etc. There are plenty of other yacht club members who only use the pool and tennis courts, but I think the marginal benefit of those perks is not worth the annual fee (there are public pools and tennis courts available nearby). It all depends on what you would use the club for.
Anonymous says
I grew up in Fairfield county and my family belonged to a yacht club. We kept our boat in a mooring, used the club’s launch, raced in regattas, and when I was maybe 6-13, I spent all summer in swim and tennis lessons with a sitter at the pool.
Neither DH nor I golf and we don’t live by the ocean so we don’t belong to any of the golf-centric clubs near us. Some do have social memberships and friends of ours do that- they use the pool in the summer and attend monthly dinner events that are for socializing/friend making. We have a bunch of people in our circle that belong to the same club so we often attend functions as guests.
ElisaR says
i don’t consider myself to be a country club person at all, but we just joined one. We are in NJ, 20 miles from NYC to maybe a similar area to you. My rationale is that my husband doesn’t do a lot of socializing or exercising and he really enjoys golf. WFH is great but he basically doesn’t leave out house ever. The cc is just down the street from us so it’s very convenient and reasonably priced in terms of country clubs. I want him to be healthy and happy. They have had a few cute events so far that my kids enjoyed. We signed up for a christmas event (Santa), they did a halloween thing, I expect we will use the pool in the summertime even though we have a subsidized wonderful town pool. Also, I think my kids might want to do the golf camps they have….. i never learned to play golf and i don’t have the patience for it but I know it can be great for some people!
Anon says
I’m not but am looking at joining one. We frequently visit my parent’s club when we visit their town for dinner (the food is excellent) and the pool and summer BBQs and fireworks (it is also where we had our wedding reception). For me, the pool and summer swim team is the big draw, which since our neighborhood doesn’t have a pool and the public pools don’t seem to offer that same experience. We are not big golfers, so mainly looking for a “social” membership or joining just a swim and tennis club. The stereotype problems can be managed if you pick the right club and are up front about it with your kids IMO, my sisters and I are good examples of that and still very down-to-earth even swimming and playing tennis with kids who never encountered a want they couldn’t have.
Anonymous says
My parents belong to one – but they are retired and golf 5-6 days a week. We use their pools as guests in the summer, it’s a very nice pool and serves food/alcohol which is just convenient and nice. My sister is a social member. The restaurant food is very good and there’s never a wait. They have tennis/golf camps in the summer for kids. If we lived in my hometown we would probably join. I think if you golf/play tennis/swim a lot then it makes sense.
Anon says
I keep getting stuck in m0d on the main page. If you have a holiday lights display that you pay someone else to put up, how much do you pay?
govtattymom says
We just paid $400 for our holiday light installation. My husband forgot it cost this much and swears that we will do it ourselves next year (unlikely lol).
Anon. says
Our neighbors paid $800. My husband and I were flabbergasted when we heard the pricetag.
Anon says
Ours hasn’t gone up yet but we were quoted $450 for our two-story house.
Anon says
My friend in a VHCOL city was quoted $2700.
Anon says
my 4.5 year old has been having a major major potty training regression and has basically decided she’d rather pee in her pants than on the potty. we potty trained thanksgiving 2020 and she barely had any accidents since until about a month or two ago when she started having multiple accidents a day. Now she seems to prefer to crouch down and pee in her pants (even when the bathroom is literally three steps away). She only pees in the potty (though we’ve had a few floor accidents) when she isn’t wearing undies or pants, so trying to do a lot of that at home. we’ve tried talking about it and she says its bc she doesnt want to stop playing, but some of the times when this happens she is not playing. i think it is psychological and has to do with her newfound obsession with death, which started back in September when Queen Elizabeth died. Totally random I know, but somehow the mention of that by DH made her thing about how my mom has died etc. She has had some separation anxiety since, but her teachers say she is fine at school (other than the accidents which they are fortunately being really kind about). I spoke with a therapist who used to work at a children’s hospital specializing in kids dealing with trauma to see if i should seek therapy, and she said the reasons to seek would be if it is impacting her in multiple areas of life, and/or i am uncomfortable discussing the topic of death with her. I am fine discussing it with her, but she genuinely seems anxious about people not coming back. Like I suggested that tomorrow it could be fun if the visiting grandparents picked hr sister up from OT and she freaked out that the grandparents should not do it, bc they might get lost on the way home. if anyone has a kid who had a major potty training regression – did they outgrow it without intervention?
Anonymous says
All 4.5-year-olds go through a phase of being fascinated by death. I think it’s a stretch to connect that to a potty training regression. I hardly think that having a grandparent who died and hearing about the death of a foreign monarch qualifies as trauma. It’s more likely that it’s a power struggle issue.
If there’s a class or activity she wants to try, you could tell her that it’s only available to kids who are potty trained. This form of bribery worked with our resistant kid.
Vicky Austin says
Could it be not wanting to stop whatever she’s doing, playing or otherwise? I was like this as a kid, and remember holding it well past when I should have as late as second grade, if whatever was going on in class was of sufficient interest to me. Maybe she has FOMO around other aspects of family life, like mealtime conversations or something.
Anonymous says
If you are the person who posted earlier today about holiday and wedding anxiety with 4.5-year-old twins, it sounds like your own anxiety is the real issue.
Anon says
That’s so mean!
Anon says
+1 very, very mean!!
Anonymous says
That’s very mean. Please don’t. Also they don’t sound at all alike.
Anon says
Have you ever heard that saying ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it’ – if not, now you have- your comment is so uncalled for. This is someone venting on a blog