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Now that we are approaching the fall and winter (I feel like I keep writing this, but it was almost 80 degrees in NYC today), it is once again tights season. On their best day, I find tights and all pantyhose extremely uncomfortable. I realized my problem though — I only ever purchased them at the drugstore or supermarket. I do find that they are totally an item that if you spend a bit more, it makes a world of difference. I am mostly a pants wearer, but while pregnant I did buy a few nice maternity dresses, and my real need for maternity clothing kicked in during the fall/winter. I invested in a pair or two of these and had no regrets. In spending more, I definitely cared for them more gently than if I had panic-bought them at Duane Reade the day before an event I needed pantyhose for, which was my usual M.O. These maternity tights from Spanx are $28 at Nordstrom. Mama Tights Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
H13 says
Any recommendations for a multivitamin for a 20-month-old? Something with iron, preferably.
Anonymous says
My 8 month old takes PolyViSol. We mix it with solids and she takes it fine. You might ask your ped though because ours was very insistent we take this specific one.
Anonymous says
We used that, too. We didn’t mix it. She just took it out of the syringe. Around 24 months we switched to gummies without iron. Her levels were high enough to forego it, and it was getting to be a pain because she wanted to do it herself but it is sticky and messy.
Anonymous says
Somewhere around 2 we started using Flintstones chewables cut in half. Much easier than the drops, which he hated and stain.
Anon. says
We’ve been using Zarbees at the recommendation of our pediatrician.
clog help. says
For the clog lovers out there – What are your favorite clogs, moms? I’m currently clog obsessed, wearing a variety of Bryr and Swedish Hasbeens sandals for summer. I have the No. 6 clog boots for winter but looking for some regular non boot varieties. Thinking about Sandgrens Brett. Are there any other clog people out there who want to comment?
Anonymous says
I love that you posed this question though sadly I have no answer for you.
I love my Danskos and live in their sandals for summer. Last year I got a pair of their Sam mary jane style and I’ve struggled with how and when to wear it. It’s closed toe which makes it seems too hot for summer but it’s open in the back so it doesn’t totally seem appropriate for fall/winter (though in AZ it is never really “cold”).
Also, do you wear socks with clogs? Tights? I’m all about the look but I can’t seem to make it work for me so talk to me!
anon. says
OP here – I guess there aren’t other clog lovers around! I rarely wear them with socks but I also live in a “doesn’t get THAT cold” part of the southeast. I often just wear flats to work without socks, so I wear clogs similarly- no socks just move quickly from the parking lot to the building.
I wear Danskos with and without socks, but for some reason my Danskos make very loud noises on the floor of my office so I’m looking for alternatives!
Rainy Day Pants Rec says
I know people were talking about this last week, but I’d forgotten what I did last year. Then I started to unpack my fall clothes this weekend.
May I suggest golf pants. I got some fall weight ones. They’re lightly lined and water resistant. Not water proof, but good for drizzle and watching kids play.
They look like slacks (mine are solid gray). The pockets zipper shut, but I don’t think anyone would notice. I did find they were cut slim in the hips/thighs so I sized up. Got mine at zappos.
Bed Back anon says
In a broken down, chronically sleep-deprived state, I allowed my 4 year old to come sleep in the master bed. It has been 5 months and she is still there. DH moved to a guest bed and wants his bed back. I love cuddling with kiddo, but I know its probably time that she moved back to her room. I think she likes it because she has a younger sibling and bedtime is the consistent solo time she gets with me. Also complicating things, her and sibling are supposed to share a room. I am afraid that if we get her back to the kid room, it may disturb the recently sleep-trained baby.
I know it needs to be her idea to move back to the kid room, so I have been giving her time. How do I speed that up a bit? She would like a bunk bed, and I would happily get one, I am just afraid that she would use it temporarily and then move back to my bed. help!
Anon says
It doesn’t need to be her idea. You are the adult. Your relationship with your husband is also important. Talk about it. Give her some warning that it is happening and then set the rules. Have you looked into the bedtime pass? Its pretty effective if you stick with it: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/09/18/441492810/the-bedtime-pass-helps-parents-and-kids-skip-the-sleep-struggles
Anonanonanon says
Agreeing with Anon, I don’t see why it needs to be her idea? It’s very unlikely that this is not affecting your relationship with your husband in some way on one side or the other, and that’s important as well.
If you want to give her some incentive to not be upset about it, can you let her pick out new bedding herself and make a big deal about it? Or get the bunk bed but tell her the condition is she has to sleep in it, and stick to it? If she comes back to your bed (which she likely will), you can just put her back in hers.
If you’re truly desperate maybe let her sleep on the floor of your room for a bit, but have your husband come back to the bed. My parents used to let me do that one weekend night a week (we’d pile comforters and pillows and stuff, not just straight on the floor) and it was such a treat. Or sometimes I got to sleep with my mom when my dad went out of town for work, so maybe you can still do that as a special occasional treat?
anon says
my younger sister went through a phase where she wanted to sleep in my parents’ bed. the pediatrician recommended they put a sleeping bag on the floor on the side of their bed and the rule was if she wanted to sleep in their room she was allowed to come in and sleep in the sleeping bag, but she was not allowed to wake them up. lasted for a couple of weeks and then she decided her bed was much more comfortable than sleeping on the floor.
Anon says
Does she like being in charge? If so, make a big deal about baby is getting bigger and now needs a Big Sister to help him out. And let her set up the room since she’ll be the one In Charge of the room for a while.
When he turns [9 months, or whatever month is next], she’ll GET to start sleeping in his room so he’s not scared at night and so she can help him learn how to sleep like a big kid. How fun! She gets to pick out her bunk bed and all the sheets. Does she want it to be a space room? A striped room? A superhero room? She can pick whatever she wants for her and the baby, let’s go to Target! What kind of pillow is she hoping for her bed? What about those flippable sequin ones? Oooh good idea Daughter, yes let’s get you a flashlight so you can read if you’re still up after the baby falls asleep. What special books do you want to keep by your bed? etc.
And then that first night, throw her a little party to celebrate being Big. Give her extra attention, maybe a new stuffed animal or book for her bed. Tell her you’ll come check on her in the night to make sure she’s doing okay, but Brother needs her to stay with him all night. And then celebrate the next morning when she wakes up in her own bed – she’s the Big Sister now! Woohoo!
Anonanonanon says
This is awesome. Also the flashlight idea made me think that I would have thought I’d died and gone to heaven if I got one of those bed tent things when I was a kid. I don’t know if they still make them. I didn’t even share a room, but the idea of a bed tent and a flashlight to feel like I was reading in secret was the ultimate dream.
EB0220 says
My kids have these bed tents! They’re not too much of a pain to install and my kids love them (4 and 6).
https://www.target.com/p/as-seen-on-tv-dream-unicorn-bed-tents/-/A-52798886
Anon says
My kids (5 and 3) have these flashlights and love them. They double as a projector on the ceiling when they’re charging.
https://www.target.com/p/boon-gleam-projecting-nightlight-flashlight/
Anon says
I hate to be this person, but please don’t get your four year old a bunk bed. My 3 and 5 year olds would LOVE a bunk bed, so I did a bunch of research, and the general consensus seems to be it is not safe until all kids in the room are at least six years old (or preferably older). Obviously YMMV but I have a hard time imagining either of my kids descending a ladder safely in the middle of the night to use the restroom. And if you intend to continue having them share a room, eventually your youngest will feel compelled to climb the ladder. Just don’t do this to yourself.
But you could consider another cool bed, like one of the ones shaped like houses or tents, or one with a really cool canopy.
Anon says
There are many bunk beds that have stairs on the side instead of a ladder. Or L-shaped bunks where the top is essentially a half-height loft with a stairway, and the bottom just sticks out below. And there’s the ever popular Ikea loft, where you can just put a mattress on the floor underneath.
Sometimes you don’t have the floor space for two twin beds, so you make do with what you can.
anon says
Gift ideas for a 3 year old boy who loves Batman and superheroes? Budget = $30-40
Anon says
Play Silks – many waldorf type places sell them that he can use to make into capes or other imaginative play.
https://www.bellalunatoys.com/products/playsilks
Anonanonanon says
any of the batman or superhero imaginex playsets. My son is 8 and, though he probably wouldn’t admit it to his friends, still plays with his.
MomAnon4This says
Costume Pajamas.
Vehicles.
too little for Lego sets but maybe Duplex or Fisher-Price Little People
Towels with characters on them.
BOOKS!
So! Many! Choices!
Anon says
Postpartum doula. Did anyone hire one here? For how much of time? What did they do? We have no family in town and very little community (just moved here) so I plan on getting a house cleaner weekly for the first 2 months. Having someone come make meals once a week for us to then just heat up out of the fridge for the first 2 months. People keep suggesting a postpartum doula but I am trying to figure out how they would fit in the puzzle. First kid, my husband gets two weeks off.
rosie says
We had a postpartum doula come for 1-2 nights per week for the first month or so. Basically my husband would put in ear plugs & get a good night’s sleep, I would wake up to pump (I was EPing–but if you are direct BFing the doula could bring you the baby to nurse). The doula would bring me pump parts then wash them. Bring food/water if I needed it. Take care of the baby all night. Do baby laundry. You obviously have to find someone you trust & work well with, but we found one doula that was awesome and it was so wonderful to have her. At first we kept the baby in her bassinet in our room and the doula would come to get her as needed. As we got more comfortable, we had the baby sleep in her crib in her own room & the doula stayed w/her.
The postpartum doula also helped us figure out babywearing, some BFing stuff (thrush treatments, etc.), and similar stuff.
Anonanonanon says
I didn’t have a post-partum doula, but I just had baby #2 in an area with no family and little support (in the metro area of a major city and all of my friends work full-time and are easily at least an hour away in traffic) and I highly recommend grocery delivery of some kind, particularly a Shipt account. I recommend Shipt because you can schedule an order for as soon as an hour, whereas the other ones require more pre-planning. I used mine a bunch for diapers, diaper cream, wipes, formula, etc. Also great for snacks, case of lacroix, all that other fun stuff. I know you have meals covered, but don’t underestimate the importance of snacks!
Also, I wanted to do this but never got around to it, maybe a laundry service if that’s not included in your housekeeping?
KW says
+1. I also just had baby #2 and Shipt has been awesome. I got it when it was $49 for the year instead of the usual $99 and I can’t emphasize enough how helpful and convenient it has been.
Anon says
+1. We use peapod, which I think requires at least 24 hour notice, but having your groceries delivered is critical. Most places will let you have a free trial (30, 60 days, whatever). We didn’t precook and stock the freezer, but stouffer’s and bagged salad got us through a couple of weeks.
Anonymous says
My mom was my PP doula essentially and she did the following:
– cleaned and sterilized bottle/pump parts
– diaper & outfit changes
– baby laundry
– taking out the baby’s trash (there are a lot of diapers in those early days…)
– re-stocking diapers, wipes, etc
– refilled my water bottle
– watched the baby while I napped
The last one was probably the most helpful for my mental state. I had PPA and had a really hard time sleeping if I could hear the baby even stir, I would freak out that he was hungry and I wouldn’t be able to rest. My mom would sit downstairs with him and have a bottle ready in case he woke up, so I was able to relax and sleep knowing if he did wake up, she could feed him.
Anon says
also did not have family nearby and also our first. though some family did come to visit shortly after the babies were born to help and they did grocery shopping and cooking. we didn’t have a postpartum doula, but had a baby nurse. she basically did all things baby related – changed baby, did baby laundry, showed me how to bathe baby, washed bottles and pump parts (my milk took a while to come in so we had to supplement), woke me when it was time to feed so I could nap, burped baby, etc. it was a total lifesaver since as a first time mom i had absolutely no idea what i was doing. not sure how i would’ve survived without it. if you can afford some type of help, i would highly recommend it!
EB0220 says
I had a postpartum doula for about 24 hours and it. was. amazing. Background: My husband had a full time travel job when my oldest was born but didn’t travel for a month or so after she was born. I got horrrrrible food poisoning the first week my husband was back on the road. By the time it passed, I was too weak to do much of anything. I had a postpartum doula come the morning after I got sick. She went to the grocery store for me, made me food and did all baby care (except feeding). She brought the baby to me for nursing. The best part was at night, she listened for the baby and just brought her to me when it was time for feeding. It was a lifesaver.
Anon says
Does anyone have a rec for a travel bag for a double stroller? prepping for our first flight with our twins for Thanksgiving
Anonymous says
Which stroller?
Also, if you have 2 lap infants have you been warned you cannot sit in the same row of the airplane? (Acroas the aisle is fine.)
Anon says
Yes, I learned that from this site :-) . DH and I are planning on each taking an aisle seat. We are flying on kind of off days so maybe we will get lucky with an extra seat, but I’m not counting on it. we have this ridiculous looking twin stroller – the joovy twin roo+ . We bought the ones that go with the car seats for the car seats, but need something for the stroller. Is the Gate Check Pro brand any good? Or the JL Childress?
Anonymous says
YMMV, but when we flew with our frame stroller we didn’t bother putting it in a bag since there weren’t cloth seats to tear. We always gate-checked the stroller and carseats, so it was easier to just keep the stroller assembled until at the plane door and then only have to collapse it and not worry about also getting it in a bag. (Each parent wore a baby, carseats went in bags and then back on stroller, diaper bag and pump bag were piled in carseats. At plane pull out carryons, put carseats in hate check pile, collapse stroller and add to pile, each grab one carryon and walk on plane.)
anon says
The one time I flew with my twins, we borrowed two cheap single umbrella strollers and used the Munchkin stroller connectors to link them together. We separated them when we went through security so they could each stay in the stroller in the security line, but then linked them back so one parent could push both kids in the rest of the airport. If you don’t need the double stroller at your destination, I suggest considering single umbrellas.
Another twin mom says
This sounds like a nightmare to me, so an excellent reminder than everyone optimizes airport travel differently!
OP, if we’re bringing a stroller through the airport we only ever bring the double, because that means only one piece to get on the airport shuttle, get through security, get down the jetway, etc. Now that the twins are walking we don’t bring a stroller everytime, but I do miss the snap-n-go days when it was so easy to use the stroller to schlep carseats through the airport!
Jeffiner says
My experience with gate check bags is that they are all made of the same nylon material, and they only last a few flights. I consider them just something to keep the stroller clean, not really for protection. I second the recommendation to not get a bag if its only a frame, getting it in and out of a bag at the gate can be a pain.
AnotherAnon says
Can you recommend any books or other resources on discipline for a 19 m/o? He’s very smart and sweet – he’s just asserting his independence: spitting out food, biting me when he doesn’t get his way (he doesn’t bite at school, which I find interesting). I’m looking for very practical advice: when your toddler does X, try Y. I’ve read the Whole Brain Child and some Janet Lansbury but I felt like they just explain what your child is experiencing and give little advice on how to address behaviors. TIA!
anon says
“How to talk so little kids will listen” – to me, it’s hands down the best
Anon2 says
Co-sign “How to talk…” Janet Lansbury’s podcast has been life-changing for me, and the strategy is basically set limits and enforce them kindly, validate emotions, narrate/give words to what the child is doing and feeling, and redirect. So…”I see you are spitting out your food. Food is for eating not spitting, you must be finished” and take away the food. Or, “I can see you are very upset right now but I won’t let you bite me. Ouch, biting hurts. You really wanted to do X and are frustrated. You can stomp your feet if you are mad instead” and remove yourself from the situation or put him down. If he melts down, just ride it out without screaming yourself or trying to reason with him when he’s in no condition to hear you.
At this age, you need to physically stop/prevent the behavior you don’t like and help your child navigate his intense emotions, without punishing or getting riled up yourself. Then repeat and repeat and it’ll start to sink in.
AnotherAnon says
This is really helpful, thank you!
Pigpen's Mama says
My preschooler was on my last nerve all weekend, but now that she’s finally at school and I’m able to sit down and focus on work, I miss her. *sigh* parenting…
AnotherAnon says
Solidarity. Friday night I’m all “let’s hang out allllll weekend!” and by Sunday I’m like “can I just go to the bathroom by myself please!”
anon says
This is me every weekend.
Betty says
Right there with you! I got home Friday evening and just wanted to hang with my little people. By Sunday afternoon, we were driving to my mom’s (only 20 minutes away) so I could go for a run all by myself. I just needed an hour with a different adult in charge!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Crowdsourcing an admittedly superficial question: For those of you who were in a position to schedule an induction or a c-section, how much did you take into account scheduling around a birthday that would fall on a holiday? Our second is due in a few days and my bet is that this one will be overdue again (my first was induced and born at 42 weeks). One of our concerns is trying to plan around a Halloween birthday if we end up needing an induction. If it were you, would you schedule the induction as early as you could (i.e. 10/29) or wait until 11/1?
Anonymous says
Well the most important thing is what your doctor things from a medical perspective, but assuming he or she is comfortable with it, I’d wait until 11/1. If you’re induced on the evening of the 29th, it’s very possible the baby would be born on 10/31 and I’d prefer to avoid a Halloween birthday.
anon. says
I’d wait until 11/1 if possible.
Mrs. Jones says
I would totally shoot for a Halloween birthday, but I bet that’s just me.
Anonymous says
Ugh no. Don’t do that to a kid just because you think it would be fun.
Anonymous says
Honestly, my water broke on 10/29 and I was so, so sorry that it meant I’d probably not have a Halloween baby (I was early, not due until 11/8, so this never occcurred to me).
I never mentioned it to my daughter though. Her birthday is on 10/30, so we are always scheduling a party to be slightly earlier in the month or slightly later, so she has all of the inconvenience of a 10/31 birthday w/o the benefit: being able to say you were born on Halloween.
She so badly wishes 10/31 was her birthday. I told her, even so, you can always find a party as a grownup.
I’d not wish for anything in December or early January, but I have a friend born on 12/31 which I think is awesome as a grownup (but not awesome as a kid); my mother is born on 12/27 which is just the worst.
Signed,
random Virgo
Ms B says
+1. The Kid is 7 and these still get regular play, along with his Imaginext Star Wars figures, Millenium Falcon, and Walker.
When he is finished with them, I will be moving Han Solo, C3PO and Leia to my office windowsill. Geeks unite!
Ms B says
Missposted, meant in reply to toy thread above.
Although on the correct thread, 12/25 is the worst, especially if you are Jewish!
Em says
My OB wanted to induce me on Leap Day and I pushed to do it the day after, which would have put me at 41+1. I ended up going into labor at 40+6 so it was irrelevant, but assuming no medical/safety considerations, I would go for 11/1.
rakma says
Two weeks before my scheduled induction, I went for a checkup and got sent to the hospital for an immediate induction, and had DD2 on Thanksgiving. There are so many factors that can effect the timing on this, so even if you do pick a date that would have you clear of Halloween, you may want to consider that it could happen anyway.
Plenty of kids have birthdays that fall on other holidays, and I think you can adjust and work around the other celebrations to still make these birthdays special.
Anonymous says
Wait till 11/1. My daughter is 11/4 and almost always misses Halloween weekend eventsfor her bday parties.
Emily S. says
Echoing the cautionary tale from above that scheduling doesn’t always pan out! My first was scheduled for early June, but she came on Labor Day. It didn’t seem to affect her bday parties until this year, when only 3 families came because it was the weekend following the actual day. We chose Memorial Day for DD #2 because, solidarity, but also because then we only had to remember one date (just change month and year.) It just means we schedule parties the week before or the week after the actual birthday, and celebrate with family on the actual day. I hope 2 celebrations makes up for the pain of of it all (but I’m speaking as a summer baby.) Good luck with delivery!
Anon says
Where did you all find winter coats for your kids this year? I went to 4 different stores in the Chicago area this weekend and struck out at each one – the stores carried lighter weight fleeces and jackets, but not heavy winter coats. Am I too early or too late? I feel like I went around this time last year and found them everywhere. What stores have them???
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think our son’s big puffer winter coat is from Old Navy. They don’t have them in the stores yet (we just went yesterday) but it looks like they have some bigger jackets online.
EB0220 says
We just went to REI and Bass Pro Shop of all places and they had good selections.
Betty says
We need heavy duty winter coats (northern New England), so we always go to LLBean. They have some that have layers that can be taken on and off. They always keep my kids warm and are very durable. Look for ones with grow cuffs (inseams that you can cut out and give another inch or so in the arms).
MomAnon4This says
For the school-age kid we did 3-in-1 from LL Bean – Fleece inner layer, waterproof quilted outer layer, I think.
More jackets to lose! Yay.
Emily S. says
Lands End — lightweight/packable down so they can wear in the car, and they always have a coupon that makes them reasonable. The quality is good, too, if you’re looking for hand-me-down or re-sale. I’ve also had good luck with ThredUp, Nordstrom Rack, Columbia Outlet, and Backcountry.com (in the spring, to snag a deep discount on what I guess will be next winter’s size.)
Anonymous says
I’m a clueless first time mom – could this be teething? My 7 month old DD went down last night at her normal bedtime. She woke up about 45 minutes later we heard a thud followed by a very high pitched cry. We didn’t rush in immediately (because sometimes she cries out and goes right back to sleep) and by the time we got in there a minute or two later she was absolutely hysterical. We picked her up, soothed her, and I nursed her for comfort and then we put her back down. She didn’t cry, but lay in her crib grunting and rolling and seemed unhappy for about 20 minute before eventually falling asleep. But not even 20 minutes later there were more thuds and she was up hysterically crying again. We soothed her and put her back down, only for the same thing to happen a 3rd time. At that point we gave her Tylenol, played with her for about 20 minutes for it to take effect, put her down and she immediately went to sleep and slept 10+ hours. I feel like she has to have been in pain, since the Tylenol helped so much, but I always thought of teething as more of a dull pain that leads to general fussiness, not hysterical screaming. But maybe I’m wrong? I also thought maybe the first time she hit her head on the crib and had a bruise that hurt and the Tylenol could have helped with that, but I can’t see anything on her head. She has two bottom teeth, but we barely noticed them come in and then she was mildly cranky for a day or two until they were fully through. Nothing like this. It doesn’t really matter I guess, but I’m curious if anyone knows what this could be.
Anonymous says
Does she know how to sit down if she stands up? I think that can be a problem around that age. Or is she letting her arm or leg stuck in the crib slats? I would want to know what is causing the thuds.
OP says
She can’t stand up at all (or even sit up unless we put her in a sitting position). The thud comes from rolling. She’s a super active roller in her sleep and just rolls into the sides of the crib and rattles it. Usually it looks like it’s her torso or legs that make contact, not her head, and 99% of the time it doesn’t seem to bother her. I asked the ped and said no crib bumpers because it’s a suffocation risk, even the supposedly safe mesh ones :(.
AnotherAnon says
I only have one kid but this sounds like teething to me. Not saying this is what you should do but we gave our LO Tylenol before bed for a few days, until he was through the worst of it and went back to STTN on his own. I also added a night feed back in around 10PM (we formula fed). Hugs. Teething is no fun.
rosie says
Agree to consider some Tylenol before bed for a few days (or motrin worked better for us–should be able to give infant motrin starting at 6 months, ask your peds). Could be teething is making it harder for her to fall asleep, so she is tired and the restlessness/moving around is more annoying to her.
AnotherAnon says
+1 to motrin working better than tylenol. Already forgot. This too shall pass, OP!
OP says
Thanks! Tylenol seems to really help her (we gave it once or twice when her bottom teeth were coming through and it instantly cured fussiness) and I have a motrin allergy so her ped doesn’t want us to do that. I know teething is temporary and it wasn’t even all that rough – she goes to bed before 8, so even with several wakeups she was settled around 10 and then slept through, so we got plenty of sleep. It just helps to feel like I have a handle on what’s going on.
Anonymous says
The winter coat question reminded me: am I crazy not to get a real winter coat for a 9 month old this year? We live in the Upper Midwest, so definitely a cold climate, but we drive everywhere and I know you’re not really supposed to put them in winter coats in a carseat. When it’s cold and we have to take her somewhere in the car we just blast the heat and put lots of blankets on her. We don’t really want to take her outside for fun if the temp is below about 45 degrees, and if it’s above that I feel like layers (she has some fleece jackets and sweatshirts) plus hat and gloves would be enough. She doesn’t go to daycare, so she doesn’t need a winter coat for recess. Is there something I’m missing?
Annie says
Why not get the gap puffer you can wear in the carseat?
OP says
I don’t know what that is? Our pediatrician said no winter coats under the car seat harness. She said we can layer them on top but then why can’t we just use blankets we already have?
lsw says
We use the sweater down coat from Patagonia that the Car Seat Lady has okayed. It’s certainly not super warm but helps until the car temp gets up.
http://thecarseatlady.com/coats/
We have a different, heavier coat for when he is just outside.
Anon says
Not Chicago, but in the DC suburbs and we did the same thing with our 6-8 month old over the winter. Blankets to and from the car, but didn’t bother with a heavy jacket; if we were outside for more than a minute, we put her in the stroller with layers and a blanket or wore her and wrapped our coats around her with a blanket.
Anon says
Meant to say not Upper Midwest. My family is from Chicago, sigh, need more coffee this AM.
Anonymous says
I would get a real winter coat. 45 degrees is still pretty chilly, and babies tend to need a little more insulation than adults. She is going to need something to keep her warm in the parking lot between the car and your destination. By 9 months, you are not going to be toting her around in the car seat anymore, and blankets won’t be feasible outside of the car. At that age, you can also put the coat on backwards over the car seat straps.
Anonymous says
Maybe 45 degrees is not the right number. But I feel like DH and I don’t really want to be outside for more than a few minutes unless we’re comfortable in just a fleece jacket, and the baby seems to do just fine when she’s dressed like we are. I know everyone says babies need extra layers, but when we do that she gets cranky and sweaty. She really seems to run hot, at least compared to her cold-blooded mom.
OP says
This was the OP.
Anonymous says
We do go outside to play even when it’s reasonably cold (down to freezing or a little below). We used a fleece suit (the kind that’s like a heavy sleeper with a hood) with a fleece sleeper and cotton onesie underneath at that age, or a snowsuit if it was realllly cold. Baby was fine in his fleece layers even when it was snowy. Bonus is it keeps legs warm too!
Turtle says
I’m not a help because I’m right there with you. I have a 6 month old, so she’ll be 8-11 months during the depths of a Boston winter and I have to admit I have no idea how to dress her. I think we’re going to get the LL Bean Infant Hi Loft Fleece Coveralls (bonus: 20% off today!). My sister swore by that last winter for her little one so I’m probably going to dress her warmly and then put her in that…. no idea if that’s considered car seat safe but I feel like so many people around here use it.
rakma says
You might not need one now, but in February or March, when you have a walker, you might want to be outside in colder temps.
Knope says
This. Is she 9 months now? If so I just don’t think it’s feasible to keep a ~12 month old inside all winter. Definitely check out the Car Seat Lady-approved coats.
OP says
I walked at 20 months, DH walked at 18 months and she’s not crawling or standing yet, so we’re kind of counting on a really late walker. But if shed does need to burn off energy, we’d go to a kids museum or play place at the mall. I can’t see actually wanting to play outside in winter temps.
Anonymous says
You live in a cold place! You gotta get a grip and buy the darn coats. You can’t just continue never going outside.
Anonymous says
I live in Madison and we did not do winter coats our first winter, when our twins were 8 months. Still in carrier carseats, so hat + gloves + multiple blankets if needed were plenty. We got one of the zip-up fleece car seat covers.
Anonymous says
I’m in the Midwest. We didn’t get a winter coat for our daughter until she was 2 and needed it to play outside. She had a Columbia fleece that she could wear in the car seat, warm shoes, and lots of blankets. With the winter coat, we mostly leave it at school during the week (as do most other kids), and she has had more Columbia fleece and a shearling hoodie from Lands End for in the car with a hat and mittens. Blanket available, but she doesn’t keep it on.
anon says
on this note, is it safe to put kids in car seats in some of the animal type halloween costumes, or are those also too heavy?
Anonymous says
It’s not about the weight it’s about the fluffiness – they make it hard (impossible) to pull the harness tight enough to be safe (but it looks OK). I don’t know how to explain this as the physics of it is confusing to me (something about compression) but carseatlady and carseatsforthelittles can explain it. So depending on the animal costume it would not be safe enough.
Anonymous says
Re winter coats:
I’m in Toronto and don’t buy winter coats for my infants. Like you said, they can’t wear them in the car and don’t play outside. Both of my kids have been June babies (so 6 months old in December) and we always use a Columbia fleece bunting suit (which is safe in the car – no compression) and the fleece suit + warm bunting bag on stroller. That is plenty for us. When it’s -25 c outside I’m not taking my baby for a walk.
Anonymous says
Here are the links to what I use:
Fleece suit: https://www.columbia.com/infant-snowtop-ii-bunting-SN0213.html
Bunting bag (great price and my giant preschooler could still fit in it as it expands)
https://www.amazon.ca/JJ-Cole-Polar-Bundleme-Slate/dp/B00F2RFESY/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539622751&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=jj+cole+polar+bundle+me&dpPl=1&dpID=41eTr4RXW6L&ref=plSrch
Resentment says
I resent my husband. Deeply, truly, seethingly resent him. We have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. He travels for work, which used to only be 1 or 2 nights per week but has increased to 4 or 5 nights per week. He will be home for three weeknights in the month of October. Baby has had two ear infections this month, including fever which gets her kicked out of daycare, which of course I have to miss work for because husband is absent.
The 3 year old has typical occasional tantrums but is otherwise ok to solo parent. The baby is still nursing, wakes up at 5:00 every. single. effing. morning, and as of about three weeks ago wails every moment she is not being held. Just constant whining at all times.
Husband has, since baby has been born, played in seven golf tournaments. Some of these are in town (workable), some of them involve travel (not workable, gone for four days over a weekend, etc). Currently out of town three days this week, not for work, but for golf.
When husband is home, he does exactly 50% of parenting. He thinks he does 75%, because the half he does is all hands on with kids. He does zero behind the scenes emotional labor (scheduling, planning, doctor appointment, buy a halloween costume, buy pants for big kid because its getting cold, unpack handmedowns for little kid because its getting cold, buy food, buy toilet paper, etc etc ad nauseam). Despite multiple repeated conversations where I try to explain how much I do that he doesn’t see, he says I should just ask my mom/his mom for help and that I should handle stress better. More recently these conversations have ended in me pretty much losing my ish. Which he says means I need a therapist. (I do need a therapist, but I might not need a therapist if I had, I don’t know, a co-parent).
I work full time (government) and have about as flexible a job as I could have without officially leaning out, which I have no desire and am not willing to do. Husband makes about 3x as much money as I do, which has never been discussed and I’ve never thought was an issue, but it has become clear that his career is priority and mine is a hobby, to him. If I told him that he would disagree, of course. Husband basically does not listen to anything I say about this and says I’m overreacting. Considering divorce which seems like an overreaction, but I’m basically already single parenting so…. I know everyone says this, but he’s “great otherwise,” a great dad, blah blah blah. But I am at a critical breaking point. I dont know what my question is but please help.
anon says
This sounds hard. Solo parenting is soooooo hard! DH is getting ready to head out of town next week for 5 nights leaving me solo with our infant twins and we have no family nearby. Should be interesting. We also have a dynamic where DH earns significantly more than I do, though he is more respectful of my career than it sounds like yours is. Maybe you guys need to go to couples counseling? We went a few years ago and it was SO helpful. Another suggestion, if he is willing, is to both read the book How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids. DH and I both read it before our kids were born and while he admittedly did not like the title, I think we both found it useful in terms of giving us a framework to plan and discuss certain issues as they arise. His golf tournaments remind me of the husband in the book going on long bike rides. See if he is willing to read this book, it might be eye opening for him. We had friends over on Saturday who told us that they were pregnant and they asked us what we read in advance that was helpful, and DH brought up the book and suggested it to them.
Others on this site have suggested making a list of every single thing you each do for the kids on notecards and then sit down together and make piles so you can see what the other one does.
It sounds like maybe you do have local family – can they help out a bit more? If my family was local, or honestly if my mom wasn’t in the hospital at the moment, she would be coming to stay with me next week while DH was out of town. While this will not solve the issues with your husband, is there anything you can outsource in the interim to give yourself a bit of a break or get a babysitter/mothers helper to help for a bit while he is out of town. Hugs.
Anon says
It must be so hard to do the bulk of the parenting while your husband goes on golf outings. I’m so sorry that you’re tired and frustrated. You may dislike my suggestion- but have you thought of ways to get help other than getting more co-parenting support? Going part-time? Hiring more help? If your husband makes 3x your salary, you likely have some extra funds to use for securing help. Also, maybe it would help to discuss the fact that he makes 3x more money than you do. If you are on the same page about how you view things, or at least understand each others viewpoints, it may help. I do think that who makes more money should be a part of the decision making calculus for certain family decisions. Whatever you try- I hope you feel better soon!
OP says
Thank you– what’s frustrating about this in particular is that I am by most standards a professional badass. Husband happens to make a lot more money because he has an amazing job, too, but it’s not like I’m over here selling crafts in an etsy store. (Which is fine of course.) I make six figures. If he had pretty much any other job, we’d be even or I’d possibly be making more than him. There are lots of men with my job who are the breadwinner at home. So I don’t feel like him making a ton of money means that my career is automatically secondary for family decisions.
Anonymous says
I am a day behind and haven’t read the other comments — but get a nanny. Daycare is not adequate childcare for a family that has two full time working parents when one of those parents (always the same one) travels almost every weekday. I understand that not everyone can afford a nanny, but you said you work in govt and your husband makes 3x your income — make cuts elsewhere if you need to. A nanny won’t help for middle of the night wakings and planning Halloween costumes, but it saves you from needing to take time off for every fever.
rakma says
Same book recommendation as above.
One of the things mentioned in the book was identifying things that your husband can do even when he’s not home. Can he set up auto-delivery of paper goods? Order the winter clothes? Whatever it is, he needs to buy in to the idea that 50% of parenting when he’s home isn’t 50% of the total parenting and he needs to increase his input.
And adding help might seem like a huge task, but some kind of child care help (would one or both of the grandmas agree to a regular day? Knowing there would be another adult every Tuesday or whatever, even if DH was not traveling, could give you some much needed down time) If they’re not hands-on-grandmas, are they the kind who might bring over dinner once or twice a week? Or be willing to run errands and drop them off at your house?
Aly says
The golf tournaments would drive me nuts. I think you’ve had multiple conversations and it’s not changing.
So, assuming you don’t want to divorce (I’m in the camp of never threaten what you won’t actually do), I think you have a couple options. (1) If you have local family, get two nights a week of grandma at your house, cooking dinner, taking care of babies and you going to sleep. If you don’t like asking, husband asks and arranges. Consistency is key. Knowing that you can go to yoga or even just close the door to your bedroom and zone out every wednesday may be a life saver. (2) If family isn’t an option, it’s time for husband’s big salary to pay for some help. I’d be hiring someone for 2-3 days a week, if not more to make dinner and clean up and do whatever else you need. His absence is a huge burden on your family. You simply need more help.
From what you’ve described, you may not be able to shake the emotional labour. Does that bug you? For me, if I had some of my other chores covered, then I’m happy to sort out clothes and book dr appts.
Oh, also, have you gone a vacation solo or with friends? I think now is the time to book one! I did it and left the kid with my husband solo/parents (husband travelling for work). Would recommend.
anon says
DH travels less than yours, although it varies (like it could be like that for a month, and then no travel for three). We got into a huge fight about it once, and I told him that if he is going to travel that much (and expect me to be supportive), he needs to take the lead on figuring on how to help me. I can’t both be solo parenting and trying to plan for solo parenting, if that makes any sense? So, for example, he can ask your parents or his parents for help, if that would be helpful to you. Why should it be your problem? (I found out that it is not helpful for his parents to come over, but that’s besides the point.)
So now he helps in little ways, like the house is pretty pristine when he leaves, he cooks extra food for dinner so we can eat leftovers all week etc. Also, when we hired a part-time nanny, that really helped, since I didn’t have to worry about leaving work early AND doing pickup AND making dinner.
All of that said, though, I have to say I’d be pretty mad about golf outings. Also, you should plan a girls weekend. He can handle the kids for a few days, and he should be happy to do so.
oil in houston says
I love this
BPS says
+1 to the love for “I can’t both be solo parenting and trying to plan for solo parenting”. Going to use that.
Anon says
It sounds like your husband is doing a lot to protect his pre children hobby of golf. What are you doing to maintain your pre children hobbies? I would start using some of the family resources to take some time for you. Maybe this doesn’t mean going away all weekend but it could mean getting a babysitter for you to have an evening off. Maybe a staycation in the same city. I know that its hard when nursing to get out town but what if you got a college kid to come over and help do the bedtime routine and clean up the kitchen once the kids go to sleep. And make your husband find that person! Not you!
I don’t like every part of the book “Drop the Ball” by Tifanny Dufu but I do think it shows an example of a spouse who is living in another country but pulling his weight. Your husband can take some of that emotional labor when he is out of town. He has a quiet hotel room to google to find halloween costumes and birthday gifts and order groceries online. I think maybe a joint to do where you put things on his list, because granted it might be hard for him to realize even what has to be done if he is not around and hasn’t ever had to. But once its on his list, its his responsibility.
Anonymous says
Your husband needs to step up. *I* resent your husband after reading this. The golf tournaments are tone deaf and honestly a little insulting (or, I would take them that way). Would a marriage counseling session help for just getting some of this stuff on the table? Or could you write him a long letter, then sit on it for a day or two, edit it, and send it along saying that these are things you need to discuss?
I emphatically agree that you can’t both solo parent and plan for solo parenting, as anon at 12:34 says. He needs to spend some time arranging support for you, if he can’t provide it.
He needs to treat you with more respect. Your career demands respect, all of the hard work you are doing demands respect, and you are also his equal partner and demand respect.
You are doing an incredible job as a parent and I hope he steps up.
TK says
Whenever I see the suggestion on this site for Mom to list out every single thing she does to support the kids, I think to myself – who has the time to do that?
I’d be super pissed in your shoes – about the work travel, sure, but mostly about the golf stuff. Can you schedule (or alt least pretend to schedule) three out-of-town trips for your own expensive, selfish hobby in November and then inform (not ask) him that you’re going to be out of town so he needs to figure out taking care of the kids? And force him to explain how his dumb golf thing is somehow different.
Anonymous says
Not the OP, but re: the suggestion to list everything, it totally backfired on me, because DH claims most of what I do is “optional.” Buying clothes for the kid is optional. Reading books about children’s development is optional. Cooking reasonably healthy food is optional. Scheduling playdates is optional. Sending thank you cards for birthday presents is optional. He came away from that exercise thinking that he does all the “real” stuff (eg, the grocery shopping and most of the cooking) and I do all the “optional” stuff. It was very frustrating.
Anon says
Woah – responding to Anonymous that is not the OP – I would totally meet with a therapist and compare your lists. Because many of those things are not optional and you deserve a mediated conversation with a neutral party to help him see that.
Anonymous says
I don’t think we need therapy, because he definitely pulls his weight when it comes to day-to-day chores. But he thinks he does 75%+ because everything I do is invisible, whereas I feel like I do 75% because of all the emotional stuff that he thinks is optional. We manage though and I think it’s pretty common for both spouses to feel like they do more than half.
Anon says
You said you were frustrated. You said that he thinks the work you do is optional and not real work. I would not be comfortable with settling there, but maybe you are.
Anonymous says
Well it is frustrating that he thinks most of my chores are optional, but I think we all have frustrations with our spouse. It’s a gripe, but not a dealbreaker for me.
Anonymous says
+1 on this. My husband thinks that much of what I do is either optional or recreational: grocery shopping (fun!), cooking (fun!), organizing closets (both optional and fun!), cleaning the house (optional). In contrast, his tasks are essential, so he does all the work and I am just goofing off.
Anon says
why are you married to these people?
Aly says
Wow! I’m someone who suggests this because it made such an impression on my spouse. I know not everything works for everyone, but some of these responses seem really inappropriate. Like, how is buying kids clothes optional? Also, Carolyn Hax had a recent column about this – just because you enjoy some chores doesn’t mean they aren’t chores.
OP says
I’m the OP and he does this to me too. Says there’s no reason to fold all the kids’ laundry when we could easily just dress them out of the laundry basket. Which is literally what he does with his own clothes, which he handles himself because I’m not doing his laundry. He absolutely thinks that any organizational task is optional. And he thinks that any obviously necessary task “isn’t a big deal,” as in “it isn’t that big of a deal to make a doctor’s appointment, it only takes ten minutes,” or “it isn’t that big of a deal to order clothes online, you like shopping,” etc. Just a complete discounting of anything that falls to me.
Anonymous says
that’s completely disrespectful to you and not okay. He isn’t the final arbiter on what is and is not necessary to do in your house. I’d look into marriage counselling. The fundamental issues isn’t chores, it’s that he doesn’t treat you with love and affection and accept that things that are important to you matter to the whole family.
anon says
What are you doing for childcare? I would consider getting an au pair on top of whatever you are currently doing. You need live in help to replace a live out husband. You’d have another set of hands to pick up the kids, help with dinner hour, cover sick days, do kid laundry, clean up kid clothes, and pitch in for the morning routine while you get ready. You don’t need a few hours a week, you need double shifts of help.
JDMD says
Golf tournaments? That would make my blood boil. I’m all for maintaining a separate identity outside of parenthood, but you don’t get to travel for golf tournaments while your partner is overworked to exhaustion. Is he willing to cover at home so that you can pursue your hobbies to the same degree that he pursues his?
It sounds like he is trying very hard to make this is all your problem, so that he doesn’t bear any responsibility. That’s not a healthy way to approach a relationship. Things are only a problem if he says they’re a problem; it’s not enough for you to say that it’s a problem. Does that make sense? And that’s not what a healthy partnership is about.
I’d do three things:
1. Schedule an overnight trip/weekend for yourself. You could use the break! Go see a friend, or just find an airbnb and watch movies in bed for two days, whatever. If he hasn’t done any solo-parenting before, this will give him a chance to see what you do on a regular basis. Don’t get anything ready for him – no stocking the fridge, no meal prep, no laundry, no cleaning the house in advance.
2. Couples therapy before he attends any more golf tournaments. It’s really dismissive to tell you that you need a therapist without acknowledging the role his behavior plays in your dynamic. The (completely justifiable) resentment that you describe is a huge red flag for a marriage in trouble, even if he’s a “good dad, good guy, blah blah blah”.
3. If time/finances allow, I’d also see an individual therapist to help you process some of the anger and gain some insight into how your behavior has led to this place.
Good luck!!! I’m pulling for you!
EB0220 says
I’m so sorry. This sounds really tough. I think there are two issues here. #1 is the actual work of mostly solo parenting. You can outsource the heck out of a lot of that. But I think you need to take on the deeper issue, which is that your husband is spending almost no time with you and the kids and I bet that feels really hurtful to you. Have you tried approaching this with curiosity? I’m not sure how your previous conversations have started based on your post. I find I have to do this a lot with my husband. I automatically start a conversation assuming bad intentions and it never goes well. Could your husband be feeling useless with the kids so he’s kind of bailing? Does he feel pressure to succeed at work and maintain your lifestyle? Did he grow up in a family with very traditional gender roles and doesn’t have a better example? Does he just…not know what needs to be done because he’s on the road so much? It sounds like you’ve tried to discuss and it hasn’t gone well so maybe therapy is the answer here. It doesn’t sound like you want more help from grandparents – you want a co-parent and that is totally fair. If he doesn’t share your vision for co-parenting, then you have to hash that out one way or another.
My husband travels a good amount and he knows there are things that I just don’t do. If it’s related to the yard at all, he does it or it doesn’t get done. I will pay fines from the HOA rather than touch anything yard related because that’s not my job and I’ve officially crossed it off my mental list. Same with washing the cars. Etc. Laura Vanderkam also talks about this some (her husband travels frequently).
If you would like to kick around ideas with someone who has slightly older kids and a traveling husband, feel free to get in touch with me (contact info on my site).
Anon says
A law school classmate initiated a divorce (with two under 2) when her big-law husband decided after the youngest was born that it was the perfect time to fulfill his lifelong dream of being in a rock band, and began heading out for ‘band practice’ 3 or 4 nights a week because he needed more ‘fun’ time.
There was more to it than that, of course, but I might have dumped for this alone, for ever thinking that this was somehow acceptable.
Anon says
OK – I wrote a long response that didn’t post, which is probably just as well because it was a lot more charitable to your husband than I now feel. The more I read this the more angry I am on your behalf. The comment that “ordering clothes is not a big deal because you like online shopping anyway” is just so dismissive. Anyway, I think you need couples therapy to get to the root of this problem – which is not that really about all of the tasks you do for your family but that your husband doesn’t seem to care about your emotional health, your time, your career or about spending time with his children. Ugh. Good luck. I’m really sorry. This sounds incredibly tough to handle at any time, and especially with kids the age yours are.
SC says
+1. OP, from all these posts, it sounds like you feel that your husband doesn’t respect your career, your work/contributions at home, your time, or your emotional well-being. From what you describe, your feelings are justified because he seems to be very dismissive of you. Of course you feel resentment! I usually don’t jump straight to therapy, but I think it would be helpful here because either there’s some serious miscommunication/misunderstanding, or your husband actually is an entitled jerk who isn’t respecting you.
Sarabeth says
Yes, lady, you need to be in couples counseling. I mean, you also need more household help – and at what sounds like upwards of $400k in HHI, you can afford it. But an au pair or a housekeeper won’t fix the part where your husband doesn’t take your work seriously. And that sounds like the underlying issue here, both in terms of your paid work (thinking your career is just a hobby) and in terms of your household labor.
Also, the golf tournaments….I mean, it makes me furious just to read about them. It is insanely selfish to look at your wife and kids, who you see that little, and think that it’s ok to leave them for an extra three days to go golfing.
Anonymous says
Get a divorce. It’s less lonely than a man who treats you like the hired help.
anon says
I had a huge fight with my spouse about money this morning. It was a long time in the making, and I know it’s better to have the argument than to avoid the topic (which I’ve been doing) if I want to work through it, which I do, but now I am hiding in my office crying. Also, it is going to get worse before it gets better.
Just needed to share here since I can’t think of anyone in my life I can talk to about this without feeling disloyal.
BPS says
I am an expert at crying about home things in the office, especially the first 6 months of DS life. Sending you love and hugs. Get yourself a treat today – overpriced coffee beverage, allow more time for gossip blogs, whatever.
Good on you to at least get it out there. Sometimes, there’s never a “perfect time” for things.
Anonymous says
You have been doing really hard emotional work – thinking about this, avoiding it, and arguing about it this morning. Part of your strong emotional response right now might be the physical outlet of all of that.
It might get worse before it gets better, but you’ve done arguably the hardest step by just getting this out in the open. It’s messy, but it can actually be addressed now. Hugs.
TK says
Was your fight because your husband – who you’ve been nagging for months to get his tax stuff together before the Oct. 15 deadline after requesting an extension in April because he couldn’t get his sh*t together then, either – casually mentioned that he may have forgotten to include a bunch of stuff in the documentation he sent to our accountant on Friday?
He runs his own law business and is fine with the law stuff but SO BAD about the business stuff. Drives me absolutely insane. I’ve taken over every aspect of managing the finances in our household, which is fine and which I actually enjoy – but I can’t control how he runs his own (books, scheduling, tax planning) for his business and it sometimes makes me want to murder him.
Anon says
+1 – still sorting out tax issues from DH’s former law practice 4 years later. At least you had an accountant involved in the filing….
OP anon says
OP here. No, not a tax issue (thank goodness), just plain vanilla stuff about how we spend our money. Thank you so, so much for the validation that this is hard emotional work. I needed that today. <3
CPA Lady says
“not a tax issue”
I and my people thank you.
Will this wretched soul sucking day ever be over????
-signed, all tax accountants
TGIF says
Hey wisehive. Update here from my Friday post. I dropped my before-bed pumping session on Friday night thanks to y’alls encouragement. I feel so much freer!!!! Had a twinge of guilt when getting DS bottles ready for daycare with one less BM bottle, but that didn’t last long, and he’ll have a nice 8 oz bottle of formula instead. Bonus for the big formula bottle – that means after pick up, we can get straight to dinner without trying to nurse (he had been rejecting a post-daycare feed, whether bottle or breast, and just wants to play) but at least I know he won’t be starving!
Now I can get into bed earlier and have energy to be up early riser (he sleeps 7 PM-6 or 6:30 AM, these days. Any later going down and he’s up and overtired at 5:30 AM. Please tell me this is a phase…sigh).
ENDLESS THANK YOUS. I love this supportive, practical community!
AwayEmily says
This comment makes me so happy — congrats!! Not being on the hook for a post-daycare feeding is an extra amazing bonus.
TGIF says
Sorry – threading is weird and my reply got sucked down below. But thank you, again!
anon says
your post is helping me feel a bit less guilty about toying with the idea of weaning from the pump. I am an exclusive pumper for my twins, though they already get some formula because I don’t make enough. We are flying for the holidays and I cannot imagine the logistics of navigating the airport with the two of them while trying to pump. but i feel SO guilty bc it is not like pumping is hard, it is just annoying. and i think i still feel a bit sad that bfeeding didn’t work for us. it would be nice not to pump for half an hour when i first wake up in the morning and at night before bed, but so many people manage to provide breastmilk for their kids for up to a year (mine are only 5 months). my kids were preemies and with cold/flu season coming up, everyone says the antibodies in breastmilk are so good for them, etc. i’ve heard that even one bottle of breastmilk a day is good for them, so maybe I keep pumping twice a day and see if i make enough during those pumps for them each to get one bottle?
TGIF says
Omg girl. Pumping at airports/airplanes/public places is the worst. I recently was in Italy pumping (and then dumping) everywhere – piazzas, a boat, a brewery…and I do not recommend it.
There is so much pressure on new mums these days for everything. I say your plan for 2x a day sounds great. Even a little bit of BM will give them benefits (again #notadoctor, but based on what I’ve read here ;)) and being a sane mum is even better. What some ladies have said here about the major benefits from BM are in the first 6 months anyway, which also makes sense if you think about it.
Or, you can screw it, wean, and take the pressure off.
Most importantly, the fact that you’ve kept twin babies alive and fed is amazing, no matter the method. This internet stranger is cheering you on no matter what you decide.
Anonymous says
I EP’d for twins for 11.5 months (and also supplemented with formula) and don’t exactly regret it, but wouldn’t do it again. I spent lots of time sitting attached to a pump while my husband played with the babies, which was frustrating. I pumped under a blanket sitting at airport gates while he dealt with 2 fussy babies. I pumped in the car on the way to or from airports and events. I’d arrive at my inlaws house and immediately have to go pump instead of being social. When I stopped, it was SO NICE to be able to go right to bed instead of pumping and to not have to wake up early.
Long story short, I totally get where you’re coming from and in your shoes I kept pumping, but with the whole hindsight is 20-20 thing, my personal recommendation would be to cut back on pumping and claim your life back. :)
Anonymous says
I EBF my first. Like no bottles at all until 4 month committed.
On my twins, I just couldn’t make enough milk. I was 50-50 BM and formula at the best of times. I wish I had let go of the guilt I carried and enjoyed their first year more. If you do one pump morning, one midday and one evening, you’ll like still produce a good amount of milk. If you are nursing and not pumping, just nurse one twin while the other gets a bottle and switch at the next feeding.
There is some benefit to antibodies in BM but you also need to keep yourself healthy and that includes not wearing yourself out with nursing/pumping.
For airports, I suggest getting a lounge pass if you have any long layovers. I once pumped in an empty conference room in an airport lounge.
Anonymous says
You have the permission this also exclusive pumping mom of early NICU twins to stoppppp. I exclusively pumped until they were 9 months old, including two cross-country flights. I wish in retrospect that I’d stopped significantly earlier. At that point I wasn’t making enough for them to get more than maybe one or two bottles per day of BM and it was SUCH a timesuck. I was playing Candy Crush alone in a bedroom instead of playing with them because they were old enough by 6 months to be yanking on the cords and bottles. The airports thing was a super pain. Even my pediatrician was like “do not sweat this, 6 months is plenty and anything after 3 is gravy.”
rosie says
“it is not like pumping is hard” Girrrrl pumping is hard. I EPed for a singleton and cannot imagine managing the logistics of pumping with 2 babies. Not sure how many times you are pumping per day…but I would suggest (if you want to keep going at all w/pumping, that is) dropping one and see what happens. I always found that I felt so much freer for a while when I dropped a pump session.
TGIF says
+1 on pumping ain’t easy. Once DH was (naively) like “All you have to do is strap it on and keep working, right?”. I almost burst into tears.
I think after he saw me fall asleep connected to the pump for the majority of the year he finally got it. MAYBE.
TGIF says
YES!!! Looking forward to the extra minutes to hang with him without worrying about feed. And he’ll be 1 year next month so this will be behind us soon…and a new challenge will pop up, I’m certain ;)
Bonnie says
Hi all. We are thinking about getting a tablet for our 5 year old for Christmas but want him to primarily use it for educational games. Suggestions?
Anonymous says
If you really want it only for educational things, do you need to get him one for home? At our public school they get tablets in kindergarten or first grade for school purposes and I think that’s becoming increasingly common. It seems like giving him one at home is asking for him to do a lot of non-educational stuff with it (which I’m not judging, but you said you wanted him to do educational games).
Anon says
Not answering your question but: Why a tablet? When do you want your kid to use this? What skill do you want them to learn from it? Most educators and primary teachers will tell you the best educational stuff you can do for you kid does not involve a screen. There is a reason everyone in the tech world is sending their kids to schools that are screen free.
Anon says
+1 I feel bad to make assumptions and not answer OP’s question, but I’m practically having a rage stroke over the fact that even the preschool program in our town hands out devices. There is no way I would want my tiny child on one outside of school, too. I am all about reading and free play. If you’re looking for something to entertain him while you get stuff done, maybe try audio books? Or sticker books or paint by numbers or perler beads? I mean, you can totally get your kid a tablet, but the cult of technology has convinced us technology is the best way to “educate” and I couldn’t disagree more.
Wow says
+ 100000000000
Bonnie says
Don’t feel bad and I’d be mad too. We limit screen time and would not want him spending time on one at school. We have tons of other fun things to do but he won’t do them alone. Our ipad is the only thing that lets us get dressed in peace.
Anon says
BTW if you want him to start doing stuff alone you can build up that skill. Start with a time of day that is not when you are stressed (ie when you are getting dressed) and pretend you are busy in the other room. Tell him “I need you to play in here while I work on ‘pretend task'”. Then go to the other room. Every 20 seconds go back to the where he is and say “WOW you are doing such a nice job playing by yourself and give him a sticker or a little fruit gummy/chocolate chip or a just a high five (mix it up). After 2 minutes go in and be like “YAY you did such a good job playing by yourself. Now i can come play with you!” and give him some really concentrated one on one time. Keep doing this slowly expanding how much time you go between coming in to check on him (every 30 seconds, every 45, every minute) and how long you expect him to sit there (2 minutes, 3 minutes, 5 minutes, etc). This is a skill he can learn just like any other skill. It will take some time though. This is the method I used with my all special ed class of kindergarteners to learn how to silently read (before they could read, so just looking at pictures) for 15 minutes a day. We started the year with 2 minutes and by November were at 15 minutes where everyone could find a quiet space and look at books independently.
Bonnie says
His school does not give tablets. He’s obsessed with our phones and ipad and gets limited screen time as a reward. We are hoping to make that screen time somewhat educational with fun games.
Anonymous says
If you want to give your kid educational apps to divert him from brain candy, the iPad is the way to go. Best app selection and most reliable. Apps that interact with real-world toys, such as LittleBits and the Sphero robots, are especially good.
With the exception of coding (Hopscotch), a few foreign language vocab words from Duolingo, and some review of school subjects using flash cards she or her teachers made in Quizlet, I don’t think my kid has actually learned much of anything from educational apps.
Bonnie says
Thanks. That’s our concern. We primarily let him play with the ipad when we are getting dressed and hoped he could do something other than watching other kids playing with toys on youtube kids.
not anons above says
You can just do up a playlist of stuff for him to watch on Youtube. Our kids often watch some Ipad when we get dressed but they are only allowed to watch stuff from the playlist – usually old Sesame Street episodes or new Daniel Tiger.
Anonymous says
Has anyone here tried these Spanx tights? I’m 8 months pregnant and want some tights to get me through the last month of my pregnancy– I’m a little too chilly going bare legged at this point. I’m hesitant to buy these because (1) $28 for one month seems high, but I’m willing to overlook this because I will pass them down to one of my best friends who is due in March; (2) The Spanx brand makes me think these will be super tight and I’m not looking for a lot of restriction at this point.
If you tried them toward the end of your 3rd trimester did they get too tight? And does anyone have an alternate cheap-o brand recommendation that could last me until the end of November?
Anonymous says
I wore Old Navy maternity tights until the day I gave birth. Cheap and not restrictive at all.
Anonymous says
This would be a great option, but I’m not seeing them on the website :(
Patty Mayonnaise says
I actually loved the Assets brand of maternity tights from Target – quite a bit cheaper too!
Annie says
You can also just cut a slit in the front of any regular pre-pregnancy tights you may have. Cut through most but not all of the elastic and then wear under your bump.
Anonymouse says
If you have boots, I just wore cheap lightweight leggings in place of tights. Much more comfy.
In House Lobbyist says
I think I bought mine on Amazon. Berkshire? Maybe? I actually wore them after pregnancy too.
Katarina says
I like Berkshire Maternity tights, they are not restrictive.
LadyNFS says
I wore these when I was pregnant and didn’t feel they were too restrictive. However – I also wore regular Spanx when I was as pregnant as you. It was summer and I liked having something to prevent chaffing and also to give my bump “support”.
Anonymous says
Can we talk older infant/toddler menus? My son is 9 months and starting to reject the spoon in favor of finger foods. His doctor said he should be eating smaller portions of what we eat, but DH and I both dislike cooking and eat out a lot. We mostly grab breakfast (really just coffee, in my case) on the way to work and eat a frozen meal or takeout for lunch. Even dinner, we only cook at home maybe two thirds of the time and only one third of the time is it really anything resembling homemade, because we rely on a lot of frozen pre-made meals and ingredients. Obviously he shouldn’t be eating all this processed food, but when I search for toddler menus I get a lot of Pinterest Mom stuff that seems unattainable for families with two working parents, or at least for working parents who don’t like to cook.
Baby food was easy. We did a lot of fruit and veggie pouches, yogurt and baby cereal. Do they make healthy pre-packaged toddler food? I know people are going to say “just start cooking healthy meals at home” but that would be a pretty radical lifestyle change for us and we already feel incredibly pressed for time between work and parenting, and the idea of adding all this cooking on top of it makes me want to cry. It’s also hard because even though my parents were very educated and affluent, we ate a lot of McDonalds, frozen dinners and grocery store rotisserie chickens, and I was basically never served vegetables (to be fair, because I didn’t like them and my parents gave up pretty easily on offering them). So I don’t really have a role model in this regard and also feel like I get judged by my friends because my bar for healthy eating is so low. I consider it a win if he’s eating fruit and plain yogurt, even without veggies, because I was eating brownies and juice at this age.
Anonymous says
Once they hit toddler-hood we aimed for a protein, carb, and vegetable at each dinner. Sometimes we hit that, sometimes we don’t, but it’s a good goal to aim for. When we have leftovers from something we’ve cooked we’ll use those, but otherwise we just rely heavily on things we can keep in the freezer/pantry. Some of these are fairly processed/salty, but we attempt to not give them every night and they seem to be surviving. If you’re willing to do some cooking you can do things like 1) boil pasta, mix in sauce, and freeze in toddler-sized portions, 2) mix a bunch of eggs, pour them into muffin cups, bake, pop in freezer, 3) poach a bunch of chicken breasts, shred/dice, freeze, etc.
These are the stables my house relies on: frozen meatballs, frozen chicken nuggets, shredded chicken/beef/pork, canned beans, canned chickpeas, scrambled eggs, cheese of all sorts, pasta, tortillas, veggie fries (potatoes/white beans/broccoli).
We keep a bunch of frozen vegetables on hand (peas, carrots, broccoli, green beans) and just rotate through those as needed. Adding a pat of butter ups the fat content and makes them most toddler-approved.
Anon says
Where do you live? Lots of cities have delivery meal options where you pick out a few meals and they get delivered pre made. You could just heat them up for your kid and not have to cook.
Anonymous says
The American Academy of Pediatrics has sample menus for different ages of children on their website. I found that extremely helpful and made feeding much less intimidating. If you Google them, they’re pretty easy to find.
anon says
You can definitely give him frozen and canned veggies along with whatever you are eating. At that age, my son really liked peas (we just heated up frozen ones) because he liked working on his pincer grab. I also don’t see anything wrong with rotisserie chicken.
Other simple things:
peanut butter and banana sandwich
pasta and spaghetti sauce. add ground beef if you’re inclined
pasta and pesto sauce
quesadillas
grilled cheese
cheese cubes and fruit
Anon says
I aim for a fruit or vegetable, a protein (and I count milk, yogurt, cheese in this category) and a carb at every meal (success varies). Things my 14 month old generally reliably eats: low sodium black beans (rinsed from a can, sometimes with a little pre-packaged shredded cheese on top), frozen chicken nuggets, steamed frozen vegetables (1 minute in the microwave in a little dish with water in toddler size portions from the big bag) – peas, diced carrots are favorites, but I can also find sliced zucchini, peppers and onions, chopped broccoli and cauliflower, frozen meatballs, yogurt, cheese, bananas, apple strips, peanut butter toast. I not infrequently pick her up a taco from our local taco place and load it up with veggies. Every other week or so I put pork or chicken in the slow cooker on low for 8 hours and take it out and shred it, freeze half, and then that’s an easy way to add more protein.
Typical meals for us (she’s thriving but rather picky)
(1) sliced banana and peanut butter toast
(2) sliced banana and yogurt with puffs
(3) slice of cheese pizza with a side of peas
(4) macaroni & cheese with shredded meat and side of vegetables
(5) black beans, shredded cheese and sauteed peppers and onions
(6) chicken nuggets and steamed veggies
(7) pulled pork and steamed veggies and bread
(8) share a frozen turkey pot pie with mama
anon says
We eat similarly to you and your husband and feed our toddlers a separate dinner for the same reason. We eat after they go to bed.
We do prepare food for our toddlers, but I wouldn’t call it cooking. We follow the protein + carb + vegetable formula plus yogurt or fruit (organic, pre cut) for dessert. Here are some easy options that mostly just involve heating up:
Protein: tofu sauteed in olive oil and low sodium soy sauce; pre-cooked organic chicken sausage; pre-cooked organic hot dogs; pre-cooked baked chicken nuggets; pre-cooked frozen meatballs; pre-cooked frozen baked fish sticks; peanut butter; hummus; turkey slices.
Carb: whole wheat pita; whole wheat bread; yams (roast or nuke); rice (make a pot on Sunday); pasta (same).
Vegetable: frozen, pre-chopped anything (nuke or quickly sautee).
Sample meals:
Turkey roll ups, bread dipped in hummus, apple slices
Sauteed tofu, yam, green beans
Pasta with cut-up hot dog and broccoli
Aly says
I’d think about what you want your kid to eat. For me (like everyone here, it seems), dinner is hitting one protein, one or two veggies and a carb. But, there is no reason you have to home cook this stuff. Seriously, let yourself off the hook. If you eat out, are there options that would fit your view of healthy eating for a toddler? I’m thinking some of a chipotle burrito bowl or one of those fresh salad places for raw veggies and protein option. My kid loves pho (beef +noodles). With a frozen veggie steamed in the microwave, that’s a good dinner in my books. I also have soup – usually homemade, but I’m sure you could find some. My kid loves beef and barley, chicken noodle, etc. That’s dinner in my books.
DLC says
+1 this is vey well put. Don’t feel like you need to undergo a huge lifestyle shift because of what you think you should feel your kid.
We actually do cook a lot, but the nights when we just can’t, we definitely have low bar options:
Chipotle has a great kids meal option
Rotisserie chicken and frozen veggies (peas or broccoli)
Frozen tortelli
Toast and peanut butter
Pizza (we eat a lot of pizza)
Baked beans and toast
Sandwiches
I know everyone says to stay away from processed foods, but I feel like if you read the labels and try to avoid too much salt and sugar/corn syrup, most options will be fine. Packaged food is much better these days, I find. Remember you can set your own priorities for parenting and raising a gourmand does not have to be one of those priorities.
SC says
I hear you! I also grew up with 2 working parents and lots of meals in restaurants, fast food places, and church cafeterias, plus grocery store takeout and frozen dinners at home. With my toddler, we try to offer food 3-4 foods and hit the different food groups, 5 nights per week. (Friday night is pizza night, and we’re fine with another night where he eats typical “kid” food, either at a restaurant or at home.
On nights we don’t cook a family meal (probably once or twice a week), meat/protein options include precooked chicken sausage, rotisserie chicken, peanut butter, and occasionally chicken nuggets. Vegetables can be green peas (the frozen ones), sugar snap peas, and broccoli–even if using fresh, you can steam a small amount in just a few minutes. For carbs, Kiddo likes raw carrots dipped in hummus. He also loves pita bread and crackers, and if I serve those, I add peanut butter or avocado or hummus so they’re a vehicle for something nutritious. I count unsweetened applesauce as a fruit and keep that on hand all the time, but obviously any fresh fruit is a win. My kid likes everything deconstructed–getting him to eat anything on a cracker is a big deal and accomplished (sometimes) only with threats of not giving him more crackers–so we also just serve him deconstructed versions of what we’re eating.
What? says
Yes, you don’t want to hear this, but you need to learn how to cook. Start with one of those meal kits or google easy recipes or something, but you can’t be an adult in this day and age and have a child and not know how to make some basic meals. Figure this out NOW before your child gets older. You can do this. Make a big pot of something, no need to cook every day.
Anon says
I 100% disagree with this sentiment, and for context I love to cook and self-taught myself to cook (as an adult) because my mother’s “cooking” during my childhood resembled OP’s childhood (iceberg lettuce, french fries, baked potatoes and corn were the only vegetables I saw until college, and we frequently ate out at restaurants or fast-food 5x a week). Now, as a working mom, even one who likes to cook and is good at it, we eat about 25-75 homecooked vs. pre-packaged, pre-prepared “freezer food” because there are only so many hours in the day and toddlers are A LOT.
Also would like to note that the OP said she didn’t like to cook, not that she couldn’t cook.
OP says
Yeah, just to clarify I know how to cook just fine and actually think I’m a very decent cook. But cooking is just really hard to fit into the routine with a baby (and I assume with a toddler) and I don’t consider it fun or relaxing at all, so in the maybe one free hour or less that I have per day, I really don’t want to be cooking. We did try batch cooking on weekends but it ate up a big chunk of a weekend afternoon and we got sick of casseroles really quickly. Fwiw, we never eat fast food – our takeout is usually pretty healthy (but not kid-friendly), like sushi. I do hope that we will have more time for cooking once he’s older and doesn’t need us 24/7.
Also if you’re telling me to learn to cook it should be “you and your husband need to learn how to cook.” He’s an adult too and equally responsible for feeding our baby. :)
Anon says
FWIW, my toddler loves California rolls (and has since about 10 months). Apparently imitation crab is quite tasty to her toddler palate. As long as the fish in the sushi isn’t raw, I don’t have a problem feeding it to her (and I don’t go near sushi, cooked or otherwise, with a 10 foot pole, so that is a special Daddy-daughter treat). So you may be surprised at what takeout they will eat.
Anon says
I could have written this exact post (except I have a 10-month old). I signed up RaisedReal food delivery and it’s been a lifesaver, since it’s pre-portioned, diced, and seasoned fruits and vegetables. All I have to do is steam them in a pot on the stove and it takes less than 10 minutes. Then I’ll just add some shredded cheese or black beans for protein (we’re still working on adding meat to her diet). We usually do this for one lunch or dinner during the day.
For breakfast, we usually still do something simple (small pieces of banana and Cheerios, a fruit pouch spread thinly on wheat toast, a Dr. Praeger’s hash brown, yogurt and small pieces of fruit).
IHeartBacon says
Grocery store rotisserie chickens are a life-saver for our family. Our store (Ralphs) sells a No Salt version, so we get that to control out sodium intake.
Other shortcuts for healthy toddler meals that require no cooking:
1. Sam’s Club sells frozen vegetables that come in a large bulk-sized bag, but when you open the bag there are actually several smaller microwaveable bags inside. Just toss a bag in the microwave and serve the veggies as-is (don’t add salt/sauce/etc). Your 9-month-old will probably need you to chop up some of the larger veggies, but he can grab the peas and corn on his own. Also, your regular grocery store should sell frozen “riced” veggies like sweet potatoes and cauliflower. Again, they’re microwaveable and they don’t contain any preservatives, etc. These are also good for giving to infants on a spoon because it sticks well to the spoon and they can practice their self-feeding skills.
2. For grains, you can get a good grainy bread and tear it up into pea-sized pieces. There are also microwaveable pouches of other grains (brown rice, quinoa, lentils, etc.) The Uncle Ben’s Whole Grain Brown Rice has very little sodium. Stay away from the flavored pouches because the sodium amounts are unbelievable. To feed the grains to your 9 year old, you can mix it in with the “riced” veggies, or with a smashed avocado. (This keeps the grains from flying everywhere off the spoon.)
3. For protein, you can get a store bought rotisserie chicken (no salt, if your store carries it), a package of tofu, cans of low sodium beans (rinse before serving), salmon in a can/pouch (in water, not oil), low sodium cheese, and quinoa microwaveable pouches.
4. Fruit is for dessert and snacks. Buy fresh fruit and chop it into small pieces.
5. Drinks are milk and water only.
Since your 9-month-old is still so young, you don’t need to provide a full meal that contains every food group. Just pick one or two things to offer to him so he can start learning to feed himself. As the months go by and he starts to replace milk with food, then you can pick one item from each of the three categories, above, and he has a protein, a grain, a fruit, and a vegetable. All of it is low/no sodium and the only processed foods are the bread, tofu, and cheese.
Finally, keep reminding yourself that your baby is just a baby and does not expect a beautifully-styled, Pinterest-worthy meal. Your baby also does not know about salt, and sauces, and dips, etc until you expose him to it. Plain tofu right out of the container may not sound all that appetizing to you, but it will be new and exciting to your baby because he has never tasted tofu before. So try giving it to him straight out of the container and see how he likes it before you feel the need to fry it up. And don’t worry about giving him a breakfast of black beans, brown rice, and avocado. He doesn’t know that Pinterest says he should be demanding home-made quiche Lorraine. What you give him will be what he eventually comes to expect.
Compliance? says
Will someone in compliance tell me more about what you do? What are the main objectives of your job, and what is the day to day like? Thanks!
Compliance! says
I’m not a lawyer, but compliance in my world (IT) is all about making sure my company has effective controls in place to stay on the right side of various financial and privacy regulations. Controls can be technical or organizational, and the point is to demonstrate that they work as intended, so you have to gather evidence that proves (for example) that, in fact, people who no longer work for the company do not have active IT accounts that would give them access to company systems.
Day to day, this is about understanding the regulations and designing appropriate controls to meet their requirements, working with auditors and/or conducting self-assessments to test the controls, and collaborating with the relevant stakeholders to create plans of action & tracking any remediation to completion, then validating by re-testing/assessing.
Anon birthday mom says
I’m planning a joint b-day party for my two young kids — one is in 1st grade and one in preschool, and we’re going to invite both of their whole classes (meaning, I don’t know a lot of the kids or the parents). I want to put something on the invitation that expresses the sentiment that, 1. gifts are optional, but 2. if you do want to bring a gift, please only bring for the kid who corresponds to your child (i.e., preschoolers only bring for the preschooler). I don’t want people to feel obligated to bring gifts, but especially don’t want them to feel obligated to bring something for both my kids. I also feel kind of silly stating #1 because duh, gifts are always optional, and by saying it explicitly it almost feels like a passive aggressive way of saying they’re expected. I was considering saying no gifts at all to avoid this entirely, but I also don’t want my kids to be bummed out. :) Help! Any good phrasing to put on the invitation that won’t make me sound like a tool??
Anonymous says
I don’t think people ever really feel like they can not bring a gift unless you say “no gifts”. I would say something simple like, “The kids are sharing a party, but there is no need to bring each kid a gift!” Folks will probably interpret that the way you want. Alternatively, you could do a book swap or something — “Instead of gifts, bring one book that is appropriate your child’s age. We will have one book exchange for the preschool crowd and another for the first graders!”
SC says
I like the wording above.
Also, I’ve been to joint birthday parties and just gotten each kid a gift, but I usually get something very small for the one child not in my kid’s class. My typical birthday party budget for one kid is $15-20, and the “second” gift is usually $5-8 (most recently, an I Spy book). It’s not that big of a deal.
Anon says
What kind of party is it going to be? Just plan it so there’s no time to open gifts, and say “No gifts please!”. As much as I hate Chuck E Cheese and the like, the ones I’ve been to include 45 min for playing, 30 min for eating, and 15 min for cake. No time for presents, so no time for kids to be bummed. I seriously doubt you want 40+ new toys in your house, even if each class only brings for their classmate. The prospect of 80 new toys would give me a panic attack.
Anon says
Just did this and said “The only present we need is your presence” and then added language that if folks wanted to gift something, they could donate to the charity of their choice in DS name