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After a long cross-country flight, this is what I reach for first as soon as we land.
This fine moisturizing mist is just what I need to refresh my tired and parched skin. It’s made of over 20% botanical oils and humectants to leave skin glowing. While you can use it before or after makeup, I prefer to use a spritz or two throughout the day to perk up my face.
Tatcha’s Luminous Dewy Skin Mist is $49 (or $22 for a handy mini travel size) at Sephora.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
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- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
Cb says
I work away from my family and they were in work city for the long weekend. T (nearly 6) was bent out of shape about me referring to my work city flat as “mumma’s house” which was worrying me. We went for a walk this am and had a really amazingly mature chat about why I work away (can’t find a local academic job) and what our options are (all moving to work city and changing schools, keep doing this, or quit my job). He was so sweet about it, “I think you like your job, and I like my school and my friends, so maybe we could just do more visits and video calls?”
I will be home 95% of the time for the next 4 months but it’s good to know that I’m not permanently scarring my child.
Anonymous says
IME kids don’t start to be upset about what parents do until they learn that other families do things differently. My daughter never complained about my travel while she attended a day care where many other kids’ parents also traveled, and only started complaining about aftercare when she learned in kindergarten that stay-home moms existed.
Cb says
I can totally see that. He never had any exposure to SAHMS at his very bougie daycare, but now at school, he sees kids who don’t need wraparound care, have moms at home, local grandparents etc. His bestie’s dad travels quite a bit and sometimes we combine forces (dinner dates, pick ups, etc) which helps.
Anne-on says
+1 – covid also put a hold on this with everyone’s parents being home. I got the biggest amount of push back on my travel in the early elementary school years (Pre-k/1st) and some sadness after Covid when my travel picked up as kids/pets/everyone just got used to parents being home 24/7. Now it isn’t really a big deal as even his friends with SAHMs are seeing them start to go back to working part time as they get into middle/high school.
Anonymous says
Does he ever get to visit you? Because that would be a pretty cool way to frame things. “not all kids have a weekend vacation home!”
Cb says
Yep! We try not to go a full week apart, and we used the coronation bank holiday to have them join me. He quite likes the city – and it was so nice to have a weekend without proper home responsibilities. We spent 3 hours in the museum yesterday, without a care in the world.
My housemate was away, so we slept in her room, and he slept in my bed “like a king!”
Anonymous says
Thought of you Saturday was standing next to two men from Belfast with an Ulster Unionist flag at the coronation.
Cb says
Ooof…. so many flags up in Belfast at the moment.
Clementine says
I know I’ve talked about my husband being gone for work (and it’s been suggested many times that I divorce him), but he’s gone for 2-4 months, often with no/minimal communication.
And my kids’ feelings ebb and flow. 7 year old was totally fine with Daddy being gone in kindergarten but has struggled deeply with it this year. 3 year old wouldn’t go to sleep without Daddy six months ago, but now is happy to send Daddy pictures of what she’s doing.
I work 9 minutes away from home and even my kid was upset that I couldn’t ‘do fun things with him’ on vacation, so like… is it possible to win? I don’t think so.
Which is all to say: this is hard and I’m glad you talked with him. The connection is important and long-term, kids are resilient.
Anon says
I’m quite intrigued as to what line of work your husband is in?
Clementine says
(if you know me, be cool and pretend you don’t): He’s in commercial shipping. So he’s at sea for months at a time.
Anon says
Ah my guess was that he was a Merchant Marine!
And don’t worry, I do not know you :)
Clementine says
Yup! I hate the impact on our family, he grew up with a dad who got regularly stuck at work and makes the point that when he’s home, he’s 100% home and never has to take a call from the office.
Anonymous says
Some mysterious thing he won’t consider changing and she won’t share
Anonymous says
It’s been suggested you divorce because over and over you posted about being overwhelmed solo parenting 3 children with no support. Great if it’s working for you and for your children to not see their father for months at a time but you can’t expect all of us to pretend it’s great when you’re literally saying you’re struggling.
Clementine says
I appreciate that! And I have 100% thought about it and reworked my childcare instead.
Anon says
people on here are being unkind. i mean i realize it’s an anonymous internet board, so people offer unsolicited advice all the time, but sometimes when people come for solicited advice, commenters end up on tangents no one asked about. kudos to you for figuring out what works for your family!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m always so impressed on how Clementine handles it. Cheers to you on what finding what works.
I’m always surprised how quick people here to go divorce as well – I’ve definitely caveated (and seen others do so) with “just a vent – please don’t tell me to leave my partner” multiple times. Sometimes partners are just ANNOYING. Sometimes it’s the situation that sucks. Sometimes it’s not what we signed up for, but it’s the reality, as is life.
Anon says
I don’t know if Clementine has posted about this or if I made it up, but I got the impression he wasn’t terribly helpful or supportive when he is home either?
Clementine says
He generally is the primary parent when he is home, doing all the laundry/housework/etc. Is he also a bonehead who was raised in a family with a SAHM where he had to actively learn what emotional labor was and how to share it? Also, yes.
I am sure I have posted at least once to complain about him, but overall he is a great partner. We have one point of conflict in our relationship (his job), but I also know that when he’s home I don’t need to ever think about packing a backpack or doing laundry.
I’ll also note that last spring, it felt like everything was imploding. I didn’t have 2 continuous weeks of childcare for MONTHS, a boss was retiring and decided I needed weekly ‘mentoring’ sessions which were basically the awful part of your performance review where someone tells you everything you’re doing wrong, I was covering for 8 positions (only 1 is currently vacant), got COVID with brain fog that lasted 2 months, and my family members I’d relied on for occasional ‘please help me’ childcare all became unavailable. So I’m pretty sure I remember coming on here and losing it, then smiling and going to work and parent for the next 18 hours. Thanks for helping me through an exceptionally difficult season.
FVNC says
Clementine, that sounds so hard and I’m so glad for you that that season has passed!
Just wanted to share that my husband’s job has also deeply impacted our family — we relocate frequently because of his work, he sometimes travels for several months at a time, etc. Even though our family has chosen this life doesn’t mean it’s not also hard, and yes, sometimes I need to vent either here or to friends in real life. There is nothing wrong with that.
Anonymous says
Grass is always greener, but sometimes I think it would be easier to deal with a spouse who wasn’t around all the time. I find solo parenting easier and like having my own space sometimes.
Anonymous says
right, DH told kiddos “well, mommy can fly to [work city] every other week or we can all move there” and they were like oh yeah good call.
I did feel bad when I thought my oldest’s lovey got lost at aftercare under DH’s watch, but turns out it was just wedged between two toy bins at our house the whole time. Not that I wouldn’t have also forgotten to inventory lovey status at the end of the day, which is what I always tell myself in these situations.
Also, youngest got c*vid once while I was gone. it was fine. we all survived. being at HQ meant I got a free rapid PCR as soon as I wanted!
Anonymous says
A question on death (apologies for the Monday morning downer!). My grandmother is entering the end-of-life stage. She’s 95 and had a great run. She’s just at the point where things are shutting down: not really eating, sleeping most days, memory fading fast. She’s going to be moving from her current place (independent living with a lot of help to the point i’m sure it’s technically assisted living) to more like nursing care over the next few weeks.
I have 3 kids ages 5-10 who know her fairly well. COVID threw a wrench into 2020-2022 but they did spend a fair bit of time with her before that, and from 2022-now have visited her a few times in her apartment. The last time I went to see her with my oldest was a few months ago. She was pleasant, but pretty confused- she sort of mixed up all the people/places and obviously recognized us but didn’t really know who we were (children vs grandchildren vs great grandchildren vs a familiar helper). My mom reports that she’s gotten worse in this regard, but still very pleasant.
So…the actual question: Do I take my kids to see her as her life winds down and she becomes even more confused? Do I explain what to expect/ask them first? They lost DH’s grandmother about 18 months ago and despite not knowing her well my youngest (and most sensitive child) was DEVASTATED. Still is. She will still say things like “I really wish I could give her a hug.” My kids sometimes mixed up which great-grandma was/is which but generally have positive and kind memories.
They will be expected to, and barring any complications will, attend services for my grandmother when the time comes. They did not for DH’s as it was during COVID and across the country–my grandmother is about 90 minutes away from us.
Thoughts? FWIW we are not at all religious. My grandma is Catholic so services will be religious.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t take them to see her. Two reasons: (1) I don’t think they’d understand and it would disturb them, and (2) any remaining visits with her should be YOUR time. But others may disagree, and that’s totally reasonable. I don’t think there is a right answer here.
Anon says
Yes, they should visit. It will be challenging, but my family has learned over the course of similar events that it’s very important to show up and not shy away. Kids need to learn (be taught) how to handle those moments AND they should be given an opportunity to say goodbye.
Anonymous says
I was not invited to any of my grandparents’ funerals even though I was in college or older when they died. My parents told me “the funeral is just for the neighbors” or “you aren’t old enough.” This was a not-insignificant factor in my distancing myself from my parents after college.
Anonymous says
OP here- these is a great grandmother. I only had one living great grandmother as a child and she died when I was ~11. I went to her funeral.
My mom didn’t let me visit my grandfather when he was dying; we were pretty close growing up, and I was 17, almost 18. He was obviously not himself, but he was in hospice and stable, and she thought it would be hard for me, but I wanted to go and it’s still something I get upset thinking about.
He was headed to war at the same age I was, which I argued but she was too wrapped up in her own issues to deal with me.
Clementine says
I think you should give them the option of visiting, but also try and make the visit on a good day. This might mean calling your mom before you leave to confirm that it is a good day.
I think death is a part of life, but also that children should know that there are no right answers.
Spirograph says
First, even when someone’s really old and had a great run, loss still hurts and I’m sorry.
TL/DR: I would consider it as long as she’s still “pleasant,” after which I’d go alone and bring pictures unless she asks to see the kids.
I remember visiting my great grandma at her assisted living facility when I was around your kids’ ages. I think it made her happy to see me and my siblings, and I always had to play piano for her since she had been a pianist and piano teacher. I don’t remember ever visiting when she was in serious decline; I suspect, for my mom, it was more about the value my “GG” got out of the visits that what value we kids might have gotten (I was always a little uncomfortable, because the trappings of very old age and nursing home smell were kind of scary). When her faculties had left and she was in a lot of pain, she probably wouldn’t have known or cared much to see the great grandchildren with whom she didn’t have a very close relationship. She died at 96 when I was in middle school, and I don’t think I’d seen her for a year or two at that point. I remember her fondly (if vaguely).
My own grandpa died last year at a similar age. My kids had last seen him at Thanksgiving about 4 months before, and it wasn’t a good experience. His pain and mobility problems had made him extremely brusque and cranky, he was visibly unwell, and I think he would have been happier to just sleep in his recliner than to put on the show of participating in Thanksgiving (that part wasn’t my choice, though). My kids held it together in the moment, but were upset. I probably could have prepared them better, but I don’t know how much they would have understood or that it would have helped. Honestly, I’m sad that it’s my last real memory of him. That said, the kids (ages 5-9 at the time) all did fine at the celebration of life ceremony, and I don’t think seeing his decline put any long-term damper on my kids’ love for him. My sensitive kid still bursts into tears each time he hears a particular song that reminds him of my grandpa.
Anon says
I’d take the 10 yo alone and see how that goes. If okay, maybe go back with your middle one. No need to take a super sensitive 5 yo.
Anonymous says
OP here- little one is the one I think would be most upset at not going, strangely. Despite bing sensitive she’s also the most easy going and would say things like “my name is Lizzie, silly, not Amanda! Also do you like cheese?”
Momofthree says
My thoughts are that I would explain to the kids what visiting GG would probably be like (her memory isn’t really working any more- she might be confused about who you are, call you by a different name. She may be sleeping when you go). Her body isn’t going to be working much longer. Would you like to go see her to say goodbye? Would you like to draw her a picture to have in her room? Talk to her over the phone? I think giving them the optionality can be helpful.
We were visiting relatives overseas where one of my husband’s grandparents has very advanced alzheimers but lives at home. I think my kids were a little scared of her & I could have probably done more to help prepare them. I didn’t realize we were going to be spending much time with her nor how advanced her disease was.
anon says
Is there really a difference in parenting boys vs girls in the early years? The common refrain is boys are active, loads of energy, etc and girls are calmer. Is there actual evidence for that or is this mostly confirmation bias? I keep hearing how my twin boys will be “crazy” because they’re boys.
Anon says
from my experience and that of my friends, there are generalizations that might fit many kids, but not all kids. my daughters are friends with a set of boy/girl twins and the girl is “crazier” and the boy is “calmer.” and each kid is different – my friend’s oldest son was super easy and calm and her second just turned 1 and he has been a much more active baby
Anonymous says
I have a singleton boy and he’s always been very calm, likes to read and play by himself, would not describe him as “crazy” at all. Just a sample of 1 but not all boys run wild.
Cb says
Same here. My son is super chill, his girl bestie is WILD!!
I think people tolerate wild behaviour from boys, and wouldn’t as much from girls, so it is socialisation.
anon says
My son is totally wild (he’s 2.5) but according to my mom, I was totally wild too. When I observe my son’s class, energy/activity level do not seem to break down by s*x. That being said, what I did find to be true is that my son is much more interested in wheeled toys (trucks, trains, cars) and has very little interest in dolls or stuffed animals. (He has a stuffed bear that he loves but he doesn’t play pretend with it – it’s a comfort object.) If you take a look at studies, the “wheeled toys vs. toys with faces” distinction emerges pretty early and also appears in nonhuman primates, FWIW.
All that being said – population-level data can’t tell you what your particular children will be like…apparently my husband had a very beloved doll that he played with throughout the toddler years, and I loved trains from an early age. Your boys may have tons of energy and be crazy or they may be very calm.
AwayEmily says
Yes and no? My sense is that by the time they hit 2 or so, there often is a difference but it’s 99% due to socialization. The way I see parents interact differently with boys vs girls is mind-blowing. Expectations around behavior, physical activity, etc. So if you choose to parent them as kids, not as “boys” (with all the associated gendered expectations) they will be neither crazy nor not-crazy — they’ll just be themselves.
Spirograph says
I agree yes and no, I disagree that you can avoid the socialization effects unless you are the sole caregiver and never go out in public. This comes at kids from all angles from grandparents to well-meaning strangers, and as much as I have loved all our daycare teachers, they tended to reinforce a lot of gendered expectations and stereotypes.
My kids all tend high-energy, but my daughter is very happy with playing pretend and doing arts and crafts sometimes, while my sons- when not turning into screen vegetables- are constantly climbing, running, wrestling and turning everything into a competition (daughter does this too, but to a noticeably lesser extent).
Anon says
My girl is the stereotypical wild child boy just in lots of dresses and pink; never stops moving, has no fear, and is very big on physical play. I just try to keep her from doing things that are highly likely to result in ER visits but otherwise just have to let her learn the hard way. A sprint down the hall surprise tackle hug is a common occurrence in my house. But for concussions, I’d throw her in football in a heartbeat and she would make an excellent middle linebacker. I sometimes get periods of quiet (although not still, she’s always moving) when she does arts and crafts, legos and magnatiles.
Anonymous says
Same with my 2-year-old girl, but rainbow sparkles instead of just pink. She’s only quiet and still when she’s asleep or painting.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Caveat that I have two boys, but I find that the stereotypes, because that is what they are, that fit are more around birth order than gender. I’ve only had 1-2 people give me the “omg I could never do 2 boys” (who talks like this anymore? Apparently some people still do) and I remind them of this.
DS #1 is 5 – has deep feelings, is super sweet, always wants do to the “right” thing, can spend time just reading, building magnatiles, etc. – and he’s always been this way
DS #2 is almost 2.5 – is like the Tasmanian devil (DS #1 was not like this as a toddler), very mischievous, loves to throw food, LOTS of energy, thinks his charm can help him get away from things, etc.
Anon says
AGREED. I posted about having three girls and one boy and the boy being by far the easiest kid at my house, but also the birth order stereotypes are totally real. I strongly believe in those. A third child boy is probably going to take you for a ride – our girl does! Not sure how that applies to twins.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I often hear that the third is either very wild or very chill. But that can also be true of the middle child?!
Anon says
I do not know any chill third kids! Eh, maybe one but with a big age gap. I think being a third and a middle ours is extra fun haha. Fourth kid feels less wild but like a very strong little personality/kid so far. I think the birth order predictions stop for fourths so we’re curious to see what we get!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ha, mine are the opposite. Second is more the stereotypical first, although the first has perfectionist/anxious tendencies.
GCA says
Heh, now I’m thinking about birth order and my / DH’s families. I’m the stereotypical older (of 2) sisters – the anxious rule-follower. My sister is the high-energy one. DH is #3 of 6 and the birth order stereotypes sort of hold there, too – he and SIL #4 are the laid-back peacemakers. Interestingly their parents don’t much buy into gender stereotypes, probably because raising six kids is a live demonstration of personality and birth order overriding gender!
Anon says
I have three boys (and grew up with only sisters) and I find the stereotype to be generally true. That is not to say boys can’t be sweet, calm, focused, quiet – mine are all those things at different points of the day. But there seems to be a different baseline about needing movement and being interested in things that move, like balls and vehicles (there is actual research about eye development and how it differs by gender, possibly predisposing boys to hone in on things that move and girls to focus on faces).
My boys have lots of energy and are in general quite *intense* in their play and their emotions. You could say aggressive, but it’s not necessarily in a mean way, more in a “big, boisterous” way of using toys and interacting with the world. They are also spirited kids, which plays into it!
And since my only frame of reference growing up was little girls, believe me that I did/do introduce dolls and toy kitchens and all the rest…and my boys will sweetly snuggle and kiss a doll and then put it on the floor and run over it while making monster truck noises.
Anon says
I have three girls and a boy. the boy is by far the easiest and it drives me nuts when friends with boys tell me how much harder their lives are because they have more than one boy and I “only” have three girls. I do think there are differences, but it’s not energy! Boys can be pretty chill!
Anon says
People are extremely committed to sex-based stereotypes, even though they profess progressiveness. Just tune it out.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Two boys here and my first fits that stereotype while my second doesn’t. DS 2 says his 3 BFFs are two girls in his class and me. As with everything, there are stereotypes and generalizations, but you need to parent the kid that you have. As AwayEmily says, expectations do play a role, and a lot of boys are unfairly pushed to lots of sports or other rough and tumble activities, while girls are praised for not speaking or acting out.
GCA says
The generalizations may be somewhat true, but you have to parent the kids you get, and that interaction is going to look different from other families because it depends as much on your temperament and energy as the kids’. I do have a high-energy boy (older) and a calmer (but only in comparison to her brother… not in comparison to her peers) girl (younger), but their friends and cousins of all genders and ages are a mixed bag.
But… One – Is it a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe.
Two – are you asking how do you respond to the people around you who make these comments and hold beliefs about gender stereotypes? I suppose you can brush it off if they aren’t close and aren’t likely to have an influence on your family, or laugh it off – ‘Hey, don’t jinx me!’ ‘Awesome, I’m signing you up for babysitting!’.
Anonymous says
I don’t think the parenting differences are huge. I’m definitely seeing there are spectacular of the kids’ personality and behavior that are really more nature than nurture, so that’s been interesting to observe. For example, I have two boys and the amount of playing with sticks that I observe is waaaaaaaaay more than I ever did. We are very anti gun and don’t watch tv with shooting and … they turn anything into a gun, play “war” all the time etc. They also do other things, like play tea party, play with stuffed animals, play house, obsess over cute baby animals, wear princess dresses etc. IME the energy level of kids is less gender dependent, but a single kid will be calmer than two kids together.
Anonymous says
“More examples “ not “more spectacular”
Clementine says
I have observed a surprising amount of self selection for gendered things, even beyond what I expected. Boys really did tend to go more for big machines and girls did go more for things that sparkled. Both genders announce their favorite colors as ‘rainbow’ at an early age.
The specific differences are a little more nuanced. I’ve noticed that their sensory input needs tend to be different. Boys seem to prefer roughhousing and wrestling while girls seem to prefer flipping and spinning. (FWIW, my most aggressive child, the one we had to make a ‘behavior plan’ for school because they were scratching other students is female).
The other big difference is that I’ve never had to tell a girl not to whip our her ‘plumbing’ in public. The external plumbing does make it easier to use as a handle, so there’s that.
Anonymous says
I mean, does it matter? It’s not like hearing this is going to make you not have your twins just because they are boys. My boy child is “all boy” and is loud, high energy, physical but he also loves to sit and read with me and is VERY affectionate. But I know plenty of chill and quiet boys. And by the way, high energy does not equal bad. We admire adults who are high energy but somehow hate it in children. Yeh, it’s more physically tiring but I’d prefer an active and physically fit child to one who complains about walking.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree – high energy can be great. My high energy one is also friendly with everyone and loves to try new things like ski (we do that together) and is not shy at parties. I try to harness each kid’s personality – lots of activity for the first, which I wouldn’t force on the second who just is not as into it.
Anon says
I hate the sexist generalizations. I have a 5 year old girl who is super high energy, doesn’t sit still and likes a lot of “boy” things like Legos and ninjas (although these things seem gender neutral to me). She also does ballet, loves wearing sparkly dresses and is obsessed with unicorns. To me she’s just a kid with normal kid interests, but people comment often on how much she fits boy stereotypes and people have gone so far as to suggest she may be tr@ns which is nuts to me (she refers to herself as a girl and has never expressed discomfort with her body or female parts).
I agree with AwayEmily that if there’s any quantifiable difference in behavior it’s due to societal stereotypes and expectations, not innate differences.
Anonymous says
My nephew loves rainbows and unicorns and legos and trucks and dinosaurs. Clearly destined to be non-binary /s.
Anon says
Yeah, it’s so wild – I’m so glad I grew up in a time when I was allowed to play with any toys or follow any interests without being told that I was the wrong kind of girl.
Anonymous says
I have three boys: the youngest two are twins. First off, anytime someone who doesn’t have twins makes a prediction about twins I smile and nod and block it from my memory. Anyway, I think personality is determined more by genetics than gender. My oldest is very calm. He has his moments but overall is just easygoing. The oldest twin is a hellcat. He wants to know how everything works. He also has BIG feelings. The youngest twin had some health problems early in life and he plays role of the baby in the family. He is more timid and the most likely to ask for help. He looks up to big brother and has silly antics to make us all laugh. My bff has a daughter as her oldest and she also has big feelings. The daughter is a lot like my friend, except my friend is an adult with lots of coping strategies. I think the daughter drives my friend kind of nuts but she is a good mom and I think he daughter is lucky to have someone who cares so much about her mental well being. All that to say I don’t think gender matters that much for how your kid behaves. Everyone is different.
Anon says
yesterday we had my twins’ bday party at a playground – rain had been in the forecast all week, but on saturday night the forecast switched to 0% chance of rain and i was finally able to breathe. of course, yesterday morning it said 100% chance and it was too late for me to switch it, so we had a party outside in the rain -fortunately there was a covered pavilion in the park- and many of the families still came and had a great attitude, which made my girls SO happy. so if you are ever invited to an outdoor party and the weather is bad – please go! also, please do not give twins a gift that is almost the same, but one kit has 5 princesses, and one kit has 6….
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Aww so glad it went well! I live in a city where it’s often hot and rainy so the covered pavilions are awesome!
Re presents…SMH…but it also makes me feel even better about my default gift of GCs!
Anon says
my twins declared GCs boring, because they didn’t understand exactly what they are, but i think they’ll like them once we go to the store
Anonymous says
I mean, yes, but also there are zillions of exceptions. Are boys *on average* way higher energy and more physical than girls? Yes. Do mellow boys exist? Also yes. Do high energy active girls exist? Of course.
Anon says
How common would you say feelings of “long regret” are in motherhood for decisions on the level of importance of wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t, wanted a medication-free delivery but didn’t get one, tried sleep training for one night and it worked but it wasn’t for her? I’m struggling with how to help a friend who seems to have MUCH more regret/guilt/beating herself up about those issues now that her son is almost three than she did when they happened. For example, in the sleep training example, they tried modified CIO (where you check at intervals) for one night and she hated the crying, so even though it did work after about 30 minutes, they never did it again. Now, over a year later, she has begun describing that as the “worst parenting experience she’s had” and “traumatic.” I’m a little worried about her and we have the kind of relationship where I could raise concerns (in fact, she specifically asked me to be a “check” for postpartum anxiety), but I’m not sure if it’s normal or not. She seems to think it is, but I don’t really know any other moms with persistent, increasing regret about decisions like that (i.e., decisions where no one was seriously harmed). Thoughts?
Boston Legal Eagle says
This sounds like anxiety to me. The older my kids get, the less I think that anything I did when they were babies really affected them (beyond the basics of feeding, nurturing). Those early decisions that seem so consequential in the moment don’t really matter much, you know? See above, personality differences! I do have some regrets about how we responded to our first’s toddler behavior, but I wouldn’t say it causes me much distress. Just more of a, if I knew then what I knew now.
Anon says
I agree that this sounds like anxiety. It may be that her feelings aren’t “abnormal” but that she would still benefit from therapy. For example, I posted recently about having some anxiety about getting pregnant again due to being high-risk and some complications with my 1st delivery. I talked to my OB about it, and she said that it was fairly normal for those feelings to come up again when preparing for another pregnancy, but still recommended I speak with a therapist about them. It sounds like your friend would also benefit from therapy.
Chl says
To me this reads as not ‘normal’ and potentially a mental health concern (anxiety? Depression? We don’t know enough to say what) but I don’t think feeling bad years later is healthy. You’re a good friend.
Sleep training says
If it’s just the sleep training thing, I would let it go. I’ve sleep trained all my two kiddos to some degree but I do remember it being very traumatic with my first (he was over a year old and still had to be rocked to sleep, that’s how long I’d avoided it). If I had given in after the first night I think I would have felt this way TBH. The only reason I realized it was fine is I stuck with it to see how quickly he adapted and was happily falling asleep after 3 nights, which sort of redeemed the first night in my memory (though not completely—-shudder.). For some reason I was not as impacted by sleep training with my second and third kid.
If it’s other decisions too, then I agree this sounds abnormal. But that first night of sleep training does still haunt me a little.
Anonymous says
Is this possibly just trying to signal that she’s a “good mom”? I have noticed that a lot of moms seem to feel that they are expected to express anxiety over all sorts of things, and have gotten a lot of judgment whenever I express a more laid-back or nuanced perspective.
Anon says
OP here and I think she does do that sometimes (it’s rare for her to go out for a solo walk or something without making sure to mention mom guilt – I’ve wondered if the frequency is some kind of signal like you mention), but it seems rooted in anxiety to my eye.
Part of the reason I’m considering mentioning something is because I’m finding that I’m tempted to pull back from the friendship because the anxiety feels kind of contagious – I’m TTC and some of the subjects she’s anxious about are making me feel anxious when I never did before. I think for a long-time friend whom I love very much, it’s better to consider the difficult conversation before pulling back, but it’s hard to know what’s “normal” versus “not my own style,” if that makes sense.
Anon says
I think this is a really good example of when behavior would be outside of “normal” or may be something that your friend needs help dealing with. Like, for example, what made me consider therapy for my issues is that I have started snapping at friends and family when they make some comment about pregnancy that I feel like is targeted towards me or is insensitive.. and my husband has pointed out that he feels like he’s walking on eggshells around me on certain topics, etc. So, like for me, my anxiety has progressed from just being something I worry about to something affecting my daily life and relationships with others… which is not “normal.”
Anon says
i felt like this and the only thing that helped was therapy + meds + time. if she does not deal with these things in therapy, i think they could haunt her for a long time.
Anonymous says
If her son is almost 3, that means he was born during pre-vax Covid, which added a whole new layer of stress for new moms and took away a lot of supports that were previously there. Is it possible she didn’t have much support in the early postpartum phase? I certainly didn’t, especially not from the medical system (visits, if they happened at all, were very rushed). I literally told the resident I got for my telehealth 6-week checkup that I was overwhelmed and wanted a referral for mental health care, and she put in the visit notes that I had no issues adjusting to parenthood and that was it. I did find a therapist on my own (after 2 years) who specializes in maternal mental health, but I’m sure lots of people fell through the cracks.
Anonymous says
It might be that she is just now having the mental space to process the issues and that’s why it seems to be bigger now than it was in the past. Therapy can help with that processing, or it might just take a bit of time.
Anonymous says
+1.
Especially with issues like sleep training, society says we “need” to do it. So some parents try it – even though they’re not totally comfortable – then witness their baby having a difficult time with it, stop the sleep training because it feels wrong, and later realize they could have listened to their intuition all along (and consequently struggle with regret). I don’t think it’s a sign of a larger issue for a mom to reflect on her past parenting choices and express some level of regret. It seems normal and healthy.
anonM says
Idk, I still have regrets or feel bad about some things years later.
Anon says
Thanks for the responses, everyone. This is good food for thought as I consider what to do.
Runner says
Okay, y’all. In a moment of excitement and enthusiasm, I decided to do a “running camp” for my kids and their friends for four days in the summer — not right after school gets out but the week after. We are going to meet at a park with a playground on it. Here’s a sample schedule I worked out:
9am warm up, sunscreen check
910am red light, green light
925am rest. Water break
935am baton training (let everyone try handing the baton to another person)
945am baton practice with relay races
1000am snack and playground fun
1030am sharks and minnows
1050am rest
11:00 dismissal
I think I’ll do variations on the theme for the other two days and then the last day do races with prizes. Going to buy some cheap, probably plastic batons (so as to avoid whacking) and some cones, pennies. Any thoughts or suggestions, comments on the schedule? The kids are 4.5-6 years old. Some of them know each other through preschool, others would be new — my kids will be the common thread.
Anon says
The blogger Hungry Runner Girl has coached kids’ cross-country and she had some posts with game ideas. I’d check those out!
Runner says
Thanks! I think games will be key.
Momof says
The blog runs for cookies was also a CC kids coach and also has ideas on her blog. Games are definitely key.
Runner says
There are so many fun tag variations you can play, if you want to change up the games. I especially love Dragon tag with young ones!
Some other ideas: could you set up small hurdles and teach the kids to hurdle? Or a mini steeplechase? I remember in grade school gym class we’d do a “steeplechase”; hurdles were short benches (you could easily make them with the cones though) and I forget what they did for the “water”but it was really fun.
Likewise, any of the jumping or throwing events? Could use the batons as javelins and just tennis balls or something as shot put? Doing a shot put with water balloons could be a fun way to cool off!
You could go to a different park one day that has a trail and practice cross country / trail running?
Have kids bring bikes and practice 2/3s of a triathlon?
Runner at 12:15 says
Oh shoot, did not mean to take your handle!! Sorry for the confusion, my bad!
Runner says
That’s okay. These are amazing ideas. I LOVE the shot put with water balloons idea.
Anonymous says
I think some of what we used to call plyometrics in high school–high knees, butt kickers, power skipping, hopping on one leg–would be fun.
Anon says
+1 and karaoke / grape vine!
Additionally, agility drills are really fun.
Runner says
ohhhh that’s a good idea. Like hopping/jumping/moving from cone to cone. That could be really fun and might help those who aren’t the speediest still have fun.
Anonymous says
+ backwards running!
GCA says
So cute! Teach them to warm up and cool down + stretch, too. Even if little kids are pliable enough and active enough that they don’t really need a systematic cooldown, it’s a good habit to develop if they ever get serious about sports. For the non-competitive among us (as a kid I loved running but hated the elimination games), try a scavenger hunt – you yell out ‘water fountain!’ and have everyone run to it, or ‘run to something green!’ or ‘find something that starts with the letter B!’. And, based on our experience with youth track, expect a little chaos :)
Runner says
I agree. Plus, it’ll burn some time. :-)
Anon says
Ideas for a vacation with a 3-year old in April? We have a long break from daycare and instead of doing camp next year are thinking about a family trip. Will be coming from the SEUS– interested in Europe or a bigger domestic trip. Several locations I’ve thought about (PNW/Olympics National Park) would be too cold in April, so looking for new ideas!
Cb says
We did Berlin at that age and loved it! But it was a quick trip for us.
R says
We went to Tuscany with a 3-year-old for spring break this year and it was perfect. We did a couple days in Florence and then a week at a very family friendly Agriturismo with a playground, pool, farm animals, walking trails, and restaurant on site. On some days we did day trips and on others we just hung out at the property, where all of the other guests were families with kids. We’re already talking about going back. Highly, highly recommend!
Anon says
We did the same trip when my daughter was 4 and it was spectacular! Which agriturismo did you go to?
OOO says
San Diego is beautiful that time of year. There’s the zoo and several beaches.
Alternatively, you can go to Sedona! Los Abrigados is a family-friendly resort with kitchens in the rooms and a pool, and has the best location in the middle of downtown. The resort is a bit dated, and they will make an aggressive time-share pitch, but the location is unbeatable. There are several easy hikes in Sedona that are doable for a 3-year old.
Anon says
Our favorite European trips with a toddler/preschooler were Florence (with day trips to the countryside), Seville and Mallorca. I generally find small cities and countryside/beach regions more manageable. I’m not saying it’s a terrible idea to take kids to London, Rome or Paris but I think unless you’re staying for 5+ days in the city itself (which isn’t my preference), you may suffer from some FOMO especially if the adults haven’t been there before. Florence and Seville were the perfect size so that the adults didn’t get bored but we felt like we could see everything at a toddler pace in 3-4 days, leaving a couple days for day trips or down time. I have also found truth to the stereotypes that Italian and Spanish people love kids, dote on them, and are more tolerant of normal kid rambunctiousness than Americans and some other Europeans.
Anonymous says
I’m striking out and also don’t have tons of time – anyone have great ideas where to find size 10 kids soft cotton PJs with koala, otter, or sloth print under $25? I think it’s a pipe dream.
Cb says
Could you do a soft koala tshirt with leggings or pj shorts in a coordinating colour?
Anon says
Not cotton, but little sleepies looks like they have sloths. And Carters had cotton sloths, but you might have to look in “boys”
AIMS says
Otter: https://www.lazyone.com/products/otterly-exhausted-kids-long-sleeve-otter-pjs-2847 ($1.99 over budget but google for a promo code)
Sloth: https://www.carters.com/carters-kid-boy-pajamas/195861612599.html
https://www.lazyone.com/products/stay-sleepy-long-sleeve-kids-sloth-pjs-2149?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIzcn71JTn_gIVo-3jBx2S6AEREAQYCSABEgLr4fD_BwE
Koala: https://www.leveret.com/collections/final-sale-kids/products/matching-doll-pajamas-land-sea?variant=32603900117066
https://www.leveret.com/products/kids-pajama-jungle-savannah?variant=32606555439178 (size 12 only though).
Wireless bra says
I know this is asked here periodically, but I’m headed back to work post-maternity leave and need comfortable wireless bras for a larger chest. Does not necessarily have to be a nursing bra as I change bras when I pump anyway. Ideas??
Anon says
Hope I am not too late posting this, but Hotmilk has good options. I like the Temptation Nursing Bra.
Anonymous says
My youngest has her last PK conference next week. There are 13 kids in her class. I looked at the sign up sheet and 6 of the parents are dads, two are mom AND dad, and 5 moms. All of the kids have a mom/dad.
When my oldest went to PK, it was 12/13 moms and one grandma.
The prevalence of 2 working parents is about the same, maybe heavier now than with my oldest. My middle’s experience doesn’t count because it was COVID and all virtual ;).
Anon says
Interesting. DH & I have usually both attended those conferences, although our daycare never went back to in-person conferences post-Covid even as the daycare went back to normal in almost all other ways (which I fully endorse — Zoom conferences are fine and much more convenient for everyone involved). I think I attended the last in-person conference in fall 2019 solo but our daughter was 1 and the comments were like “she needs to learn how to hold a fork” so it didn’t seem to be quite as important as conferences in the 3-5 age range when they actually talk about academics and social skills.
Dads have always been over-represented at our daycare in terms of dropoff/pickup but it’s a university daycare and I assume a greater percentage of dads are on the faculty.
Anon says
It’s bananas to me that two parents would attend an in-person teacher conference, absent a specific concern. (But I’m a SAHP so someone needs to watch my other kids!)
Anonymous says
My husband has once or twice wanted to come along. School is within my sphere of responsibility so I don’t send him alone. He would not know what questions to ask, the history from previous conferences, the details of the 504, etc.
Anonymous says
Eh, DH and I both go when we can. Plus, it’s our last kiddo and she’s going to K next year. Tbh I think we like hearing how awesome she is.
With other kids it was important for face to face discussions about specific concerns.
TheElms says
My 4 year old has recently had an explosion of writing, as in went from writing 1 letter as of 2 weeks ago to asking how to spell words so she can write them and seemingly knowing how to write all the letters now. Preschool is over in 3 weeks and I don’t think camp will do much writing, if any (which is totally fine), but I’d like to do something lowkey to keep the letters she has now. Any ideas? Could it be as simple as asking her to label her drawings when she draws at home? She draws all the time or makes collages.
Anonymous says
Write letters or postcards to the grandparents!
Anon says
If you ask her to label drawings, let her sound out and do it herself the best she can. Even if it’s just the first letter (which is perfect for that developmental stage). We do our kids a disservice when we help them spell everything correctly. There is research showing kids who spell “creatively” end up as better spellers and readers in the long run, because they are really thinking about letter sounds and working it out on their own.
If you literally just want to practice letter formation, have her write letters in sand or shaving cream or other substances that will engage her senses and play up the fun.