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Anonymous says
I commented last week — my 3.5 year old has been hitting in his daycare class lately. We got three calls last week about it, and we’d never had a problem before. I am fairly sure it’s because both the teachers in his class changed over without warning. In addition his bestie is in the process of moving house, so he’s had some behavioral issues as well. In any event on Friday the school gave us a flyer with the phone number for Child Find, which appears to be a service provided by our public school district to evaluate kids for developmental disabilities. The school didn’t give us any other information or tell us why they think he needs evaluation/intervention (other than three instances of hitting last week). We are planning to talk to them ASAP, but do you all have any thoughts on this?
Anonymous says
Are you sure they didn’t give the flyer to all parents?
Anon says
+1 we got a flyer about behavioral problems recently and were kind of freaked out until the teacher said it was for everyone.
Anonymous says
Yeah, they may be giving this information to all parents for compliance reasons.
Anonymous says
Call the number! Child Find is simply early access to any form of special education services. If they evaluate him and he needs support, better sooner than later. If they evaluate him and he doesn’t, then you know. Definitely talk to them and see if there’s any more info tho.
Anonymous says
What does “the school gave us a flyer” mean? Did someone hand it to you without saying anything? Or was a flyer somehow given generically with no personal contact (and if so, do you know that it was given to you personally to send a message to you about your son, or was it something the school was handout out more generally?).
Anonymous says
They put the flyer in his cubby for take-home, and also noted on the form we signed regarding a hitting incident that we were given the information for Child Find. This school is not great at communication, which is why we’re going together this afternoon to talk to them directly.
Anon says
Child Find is great. Lots of kids get early services and grow out of the issue by kindergarten (with their help).
I understand that the quality of Child Find can vary by state, but it’s worth giving them a call if you have any concerns at all. They do an evaluation and give you the results for free. Our child didn’t qualify, but had a delay in one area (needed a bigger delay or a delay in two areas to qualify). As she knew we wouldn’t get services, the evaluator instead gave us some good suggestions for how to work on the delay and what to watch for that would trigger the need for another evaluation.
Anon says
Any odd “milestones” that have been emotional for you? My almost 2 year old started climbing into her car seat independently over the weekend (from the ground! In my SUV!) and it just makes her seem so big and independent and it’s causing a lump in my throat. A couple of months ago the transition from Mama to Mommy also got me.
Anon says
Odd milestone my very short 3.5 year old daughter (she’s about 32″ tall right now) has somehow figured out how to shimmy up on to normal toilets without a step stool over the weekend. She makes a big show about it, “I’m a big girl now.. I don’t need help..”.
OP – I remember being bummed about the Mama to Mommy transition. Oddly my kid reverted back to Mama recently. I’m savoring it as much as a I can for now.
Cb says
My son alternates between Mumma and Mummy (in the UK so it makes sense in his little accent). He did call me Mum for 2 weeks and that was hard, especially when coupled with demanding to be called Theo (we’ve always called him Teddy).
Anon says
My daughter called us mom and dad when she was a baby because the shorter word was easier for her to say. She mostly calls us mommy and daddy now, and I’ll be sad when she goes back to mom.
Anon says
Swapping out all the little kid clothes hangers for adult hangers.
Meg says
On the older kid end of things…I had my first curfew “negotiation” with my 14yo…it seemed to just come out of nowhere that he would be out late enough for that to be a thing.
buffybot says
I got pretty tearful at my 5 year old’s first lost tooth. It just came out of nowhere, man! (He also gave up Mommy pretty quickly which bums me out, mostly because it’s been replaced by MooooooooMmmm like a cranky teen).
Spirograph says
This. My oldest does the cranky team MooooooMmmmm and I hate it. If he’s tired or not thinking about it, he still calls me mommy, but it’s getting fewer and farther between.
Anon says
My 7 yo on occasion calls me Bruh.
Vicky Austin says
hahahaha!
Boston Legal Eagle says
My 7 year old says maawwwmeee when I’ve said something ridiculous (which, in his mind, is a lot).
anonM says
My son has been waking up in the morning without waking us up, getting a snack, and relaxing on his own. Blew my mind and made me sentimental.
Anon says
That seems like a great milestone in many ways though.
anon says
This may seem really weird, but safe space? We happened upon the small Memorial Day parade in my little town. Mostly local emergency vehicles, some boy scouts, local selectboard members and a small contingent of veterans. Under 2 minutes to walk by us from start to finish. 5 YO DD and I sat on the curb and watched and I just let her ask questions. It was oddly emotional to listen to her process the concept of us having certain freedoms others don’t, that people fight to protect us at times, and that we are remembering those that didn’t come home. I think it was more stemmed from realizing my kiddo is kind of a real person and has the ability to process this kind of information, if only at an elementary level.
Anon says
We transitioned our 32 month old to a toddler bed this weekend, and it went so well! But I was very emotional on Friday afternoon when I realized that the last time I’d put her to sleep in her crib had already happened several days prior and I didn’t know it was the “last” at the time.
I feel like this happens over and over again when kids grow – you know when the first time is and can acknowledge it, but you often don’t know that something was the “last” time until the moment is gone.
Anon says
The biggest thing for me lately is the growth in kids memory and reasoning.
He’s nearly 3 and we went to Home Depot this weekend for something and he remembered that like 4 months ago we had gone there for play sand and that we needed more for his sandbox. He asked for it unprompted. Like he’s a tiny adult now with his own shopping list.
FVNC says
It’s been a while now (my kids are 9 and 6), but when they stopped sleeping on their tummies with their little butts sticking up, that felt like the end of toddlerness to me. I love their ages now and don’t often feel sentimental, but over the weekend I saw an old picture of one of them sleeping like this and it got me!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m glad you posted this. Literally everything my 5.5 does. He finished private kinder (TK for him), is off to public K in the fall, and is in a summer camp at his current school with rising 1st and 2nd graders where they are doing like BIG KID STUFF. Field trips, changing their own clothes after splash day (yes, DS #1 came home with no underwear on despite it being packed for him in his backpack…), talking about sleepovers, etc.
He’s also such a good big brother to very spicy DS #2 – tolerates a good amount of abuse, always ready to give a hug. I’m just so proud of who he is right now – I know that’s corny since he’s not even a teenager but that’s where I am.
DH and I were both crying watching the series finale of Never Have I Ever when the main character goes off to college…really feeling the “it goes by so fast” with DS #1 right now.
Boston Legal Eagle says
2024 is a big milestone year for us and when thinking about it, I realized that it’s 10 years before my oldest will (hopefully) graduate high school (class of 2034) and 20 years from when I graduated (class of 2004). To think that I’ll have a tall, fully grown young adult in about 10 years is wild.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
OMG! Bring out the tissues – that is so wild!
Anon says
My daughter started sucking the two middle fingers on her left hand when she was a few days old and sucked those exact fingers until age 5 or so on a semi-regular basis (whenever she was sad, sleepy, hungry, etc.) She’s 5.5 now and I just realized I haven’t seen her do it in a long time, although I think she may still do it to fall asleep at night.
Anon says
My 5 year old daughter asked for a “yogurt” instead of a “yogrette” correctly for the first time ever. It’s her last baby word and I’m so sad to see it go.
Pregnancy Hair Loss says
I’m approaching 20 weeks pregnant and losing what feels like a TON of hair. Second pregnancy. First was a number of years ago and I recall not losing almost any hair during the pregnancy (did have significant loss once I stopped b-feeding). I’ll admit that pre-pregnancy I was losing what felt like more than usual for the last 1.5 years, but chalked it up to hormonal changes from IVF and also pretty dramatic weight loss. FWIW I’ve always had thick hair but in the last year don’t think it’s particularly/strikingly thick anymore. It’s fine outwardly – no bald spots or significant signs of thinning/balding but just…. a lot of hair loss.
Thoughts? Anything to put me at ease?
Anon says
I’d get your thyroid numbers checked. Both hypo and hyper can contribute to hair loss.
But hair does thin in perimenopause, which can begin as early as your late 30s, so most likely this is not a medical problem.
Vicky Austin says
It’s my first day back to work, and I spilled a full ounce of pumped milk on myself and am already reminded why I was so bored at this job pre-mat leave. They literally have nothing for me to do except continuing education.
On the plus side, DS is doing great with nanny and DH dealt with the IRS to get us an EIN so we can pay her legally. Any day I don’t have to sit on hold with the IRS is a good day.
How’s everybody else doing?
Cb says
Oh no! That’s the worst Vicky! When I went back, there was no private space to pump (fairly unusual for UK mums to come back whilst still nursing) and my grandboss walked in on me. He came to apologise and I looked at him and said “we will never speak of this again….”
We’re in final countdown til the end of the year – 12 more days! And we leave on the 1st of July and I have so much to do and no mental energy to do it.
Clementine says
Awww! Legit the worrrst.
We’re surviving today. Not thriving.
Anonymous says
I know there are a bunch of ADHD/autism moms on here (or at least a few very vocal ones!), and I’ve posted before. What steps did you take from “we have a problem here” to “we are in a good place with [whatever interventions you have that work.”? Trying to carve out a path forward for our family and our explosive child that needs help and I feel like we are going around in circles.
Ped said come on in and she’d prescribe meds [kiddo doesn’t even have a diagnosis yet; I’m not anti-meds but it feels like maybe not the first/only step?! And I think there is more than just ADHD in play]
School says there is no problem/can’t do anything bc she has no academic impact but we separately had her teacher do a screening and it came back with raging ADHD (teacher is lovely but as kiddo’s behavior is only annoying and not making her below grade level she didn’t get flagged)
Our core problems are at home and we need help managing them as they are continuing to escalate.
Anonymous says
If you don’t want to hop straight to meds you will need to find a good psychologist with a PhD who specializes in this area to do an assessment, provide a formal diagnosis, and teach you behavior management strategies. If you do try meds and find the right one, you may be amazed at how much easier life is for kiddo and the rest of the family. Meds are not just for school. There is also a growing body of evidence that getting kids on ADHD meds early may permanently correct at least some of the brain wiring issues that cause ADHD. I think Additude may have some articles on this.
Anonymous says
Thanks, OP here. This is the path we are headed down and as it happens my college roommate’s brother does exactly this, and is a leader on the state board of psych for young kids. It’s pricey but, as DH said, “if this were a 2 week vacation we’d not bat an eye.” He actually came recommended through several other people in town and once I realized who it was felt very comfortable.
I think once we tease out any confounding factors I’d be fine with trying meds. I suspect strongly that she’s a bit dyslexic and she may have some other combative issues at play so we want to get a sense of that first.
anon says
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but if school supports would be helpful, kids don’t have to have demonstrated academic impact to qualify for a 504 plan.
Anonymous says
This. With smart kids the impact of ADHD can be invisible to the school. They still get As, they just have to work much harder than they should to get those As.
Anonymous says
Say yes to the pediatrician. If you don’t already have an appointment set up with a mental health provider you’re likely months away from one.
Anon says
How old is your child? At a younger age (5 to 8), OT helped us tremendously with calm down strategies, but as he is getting older, very intense sports have helped him release a lot of pent up energy that needs to get directed somewhere, plus an executive functioning coach helps him put in place strategies to manage school work. As long as he is in season with a regular practice schedule (fall baseball and soccer, winter basketball + skiing, spring lacrosse), plus he’s seeing his executive functioning coach periodically, he does great and has not wanted/needed medication yet (we always offer as an option). He has a lot of energy, which he runs out in sports, and having less time after school helps him power through homework. He struggles the most when he has lots of open/unstructured time, so during the summer he does tennis and swim team.
He was a HARD toddler – explosive and just constantly moving, bumping into things, needing a buddy to do stuff. He’s an AWESOME big kid. We always laugh that he’s going to end up being the guy who ends up starting and selling a bunch of companies, coaching all the youth sports, plus like running for local office. He’s just happiest when he’s moving and active, and it’s been just awesome as he’s gotten older and he’s found his racecar brain helps him being a freaking tough athlete who can still be super engaged in school.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This sounds like my older kid. Also high energy, highly social, loves being active, etc. We’re also leaning into the sports, particularly his current favorite soccer. He had such a great time at camp last summer after a tough K year, and I think being constantly active is so good for him.
It’s funny because 3/4 of the family is more low key/low energy and we could sit around and do a whole lot of nothing all weekend, but he forces us to be busy, ha.
Anon says
Love that — our kid really came into his own around 2nd grade, when practice and game schedules got more intense (at least around us). I’m sure that people on the outside assume we are crazy competition nuts (or over schedule our kid), but it’s all kid led and directed and as a now 6th grader, he’s still happiest when active.
Anon says
This sounds like my child, although she’s inherited her mom’s unathleticism and is awful at every ball sport we’ve tried (not just “not good,” but actually awful). I guess maybe we need to get her into something individual like martial arts?
Anonymous says
This gives me hope – I’m the poster below just starting to get our 5yo evaluated. He can’t stand organized sports today because he doesn’t have the patience to stand still while waiting his turn to do a drill or to be up at bat, etc. But he loves to be active – running, hiking, biking – so I’m hopeful this will be in him in a few years.
Anon says
Yes! I always try to comment on these threads because he was a hard, hard, hard, toddler/younger kid. He did have to get stronger and work on his hand eye coordination before he got good at sports, so he wasn’t an immediate natural and gifted athlete. Now, though, his skill level translates pretty well to lots of sports.
When he was younger, we went hiking a LOT (although usually it was park somewhere where we could get to a creek easily, and we would eat a picnic dinner while he scrambled on the rocks/ran around), he loved rock climbing, and recreational swimming was always a good outlet for him. I remember being in disbelief (still feel this way a little TBH) that other families could stay home all day with kids. He just…couldn’t’ handle that. Now that he can go shoot hoops or play catch with a rebounder, he’s better – but honestly, he still kind of hates being cooped up at home.
anon says
Count us as currently going through it. Our ped referred us to a psychoeducational clinic (part of a large research university is SEUS) that tested for ADHD, Autism, IQ, and learning disabilities over multiple hours on multiple days.
Results came back with Autism and ADHD and recommendations for Speech, OT, and a behavior plan at school (plan is an unofficial document before we consider a 504 or IEP). We have just started OT and speech, waits for everything are LONG….this process started with us in October from first contacting ped/psychoeducational clinic to now having therapy.
Our clinic gave us a 40-page document with suggestions, tips, kid’s scores on all assessments. I think OT is helpful so far, we are learning how kiddo processes information and verbal directions don’t work for them…so adjusting.
Same boat says
We saw the ped just the other day and he recommended the screening forms + asking the school for an IEP eval. However, like others, our son is bright and progressing normally in school, so I’m not sure that the screening form will come back as ADHD and I also highly doubt an IEP eval would find that he needs support. That’s where I’ve heard others recommend a private neuropsych eval, though the ped seemed to think they over-diagnose possibly because they’re so expensive (though he said he’d put in whatever referral I wanted).
We are starting with a child psychologist who will work with us on parent coaching (paying 100% out of pocket to avoid long wait times). I am also looking into OT, but those wait times are also pretty crazy so may end up paying out of pocket there as well, which at some point means we’ll hit our out of network deductible for all of this I suppose!
Our core problems are also at home and continuing to escalate. Today we told him no more Youtube and he had such an epic tantrum. I told him he could watch literally anything else – Netflix, Amazon, etc – but Youtube is too hard to regulate what he sees and his lack of impulse control/overall immaturity means he doesn’t understand that these Jack*ss-type 22 year olds smashing Legos with a sledgehammer are not activity he should be emulating. Anyway in response he threw a Grimm’s rainbow at the wall in the playroom and then tried to bite me. It feels cathartic to just to type this into the void in case anyone can relate.
Anonymous says
YouTube is like crack cocaine for most children. I think his reaction is a lot but moderation just doesn’t work with YouTube’s style of addictive programming and we have gone cold Turkey. My kids think I’m mean but oh well.
OP says
right, and from what I’ve read w/ ADHD the dopamine receptivity is a HUGE piece of the puzzle and what are these algorithms designed to do but give us dopamine hits?! So of course he gets sucked in.
It is a bit of a bummer because when the algorithm was showing him all videos about earth science and weather, it was great. Then I think from Lego building he got into this adjacent but terrifying space of destruction/weird pranks/etc.
I can relate! says
Re: YouTube… my 5 year old found youtube for about two weeks before we realized what it was. Saw the same Jack— type 22 year olds sloshing around a school bus filled with cereal driving like 40 mph down a street. It was low key harmless but also definitely not ok? A bunch of other stuff like that that was probably a lot more harmful on this channel, I came to realize (yes, I’m up for parent of the year, in case you were wondering…).
Anyway. She threw EPIC tantrums daily for about a week/1.5 weeks. Felt like an eternity, too. Then, we password protected everything and now she only has direct access to apps we allow. Once we stopped engaging with the fits and she realized she could still make choices and have some control over what she watched, they went away completely. We’re about 3 months removed from that mess. I promise you’ll get through it!
Anonymous says
My kid has had tantrums 5 days out of the past 7 which is just such an escalation from the previous…maybe 4 over 6 months? Idk if it’s a growth spurt or an end of year thing or what. She’s also losing two teeth which is putting her on edge bc she’s uncomfortable. But last night she ran to her room and slammed her door, stewed for a bit, decided she didn’t like that we were ignoring this behavior (per our coaching) and walked back into the hallway and “hit” DH in the stomach (hit like…poked hard with her fist…the force of elbowing someone. Not punched. Yet.). I have two other kids and they are WILDLY nothing like this. I have started welcoming my angsty moody tween and (age appropriate) tantruming toddler. Oh, you are ONLY a moody stompy pouty 12 year old that wishes she had a different mom? Cool, I can handle that. Thank you for not throwing a dresser down the stairs.
Anon2 says
I have a similar kid and recently deleted YouTube off the Tv. It is no longer allowed in our home. The risks (and behavior impact) far outweigh any potential “creative” benefits — I’ll get them Lego books from the library for ideas. For many ND kids/with ADHD screen time is a huge negative, so I am going to try to cut us way back over the summer, and focus on slower over programming, and see how we do.
EDAnon says
I agree. We completely banned YouTube for many years. We allow it now but it is really limited. Like we have to watch, too, he can only watch on content creator, etc. The one he watches is a kid friendly video gamer who helps him figure out tricky parts of games. Even with that limit, he said he wanted to be a gamer in his end of year book from school.
Anon says
right there with you. our core problems are also at home and idk if its because kiddo keeps it together all day. maybe it is some normal form of restraint collapse, but there are also times not at the end of the day when kiddo just cannot follow simple directions and it is soooo hard for kiddo to stop talking/sit still and i hate saying this about my own kid, but it is soooooo annoying. she is in OT and her OT doesn’t think she has ADHD, but her behavior there seems to be different than at home.
anon says
Late in the day for this, but we found an OT who comes to the house for this reason. Our daughter one-on-one in short visits likely won’t show ADHD signs. However, having the OT come to the house lets him understand things better and see her in her comfort zone. She has no trouble acting out at home.
We usually have one parent take the siblings out during her OT….but occasionally we let the OT observe how they interact which helps him plan activities and understand our kid better.
Also – it’s wonderful to not have another appointment to schlep to. Just putting this out there in case it helps someone else.
octagon says
No concrete advice but I am walking this path with you. We have a consult with a psych for parenting coaching next week. Kid (8) is on wait lists for neuropsych evals at the major hospitals around us (8-10 months wait we expect) – but those evals should cover educational testing like IQ testing plus cognitive/diagnostic testing that will help us tease out whether we are dealing with ADHD, ASD, something else, or all of the above. Kiddo is extremely advanced academically and there’s a lot of overlap between gifted traits and the other diagnoses, so we are hoping to get a differential diagnosis. School was less than helpful because academics are fine.
In the meantime we limit screen time far more than peers because we’ve seen some negative impacts on behavior when it becomes excessive. We lean into sports and outside play. And we recognize that this is going to be a really long road because their brains change as they get older, and we will have to adapt as needed.
Anon for this says
Why not? HHI ~$267K. Renting forever…NYC. Nuff said.
Anon for this says
Thread fail, whoops.
Anonymous says
ladies! my youngest turns 5 this week. I am so excited for her and the next chapter of our lives as a Family with All 3 Kids in School!
Throughout my 3 kids I’ve never been particularly sentimental and as soon as we were done with baby things I found them a new home. I’ve never made a necklace out of breastmilk or worn an initial necklace or ANY of the sentimental stuff I’ve seen people do. And yet…the ONLY thing I’ve hung onto is the c-shaped boppy pillow that I nursed them all on (and propped them up on, and used as a pillow while passed out on the floor next to their crib). I don’t want to keep it forever, it’s not a decoration like a stuffed animal would be…but I can’t throw it out. It’s worn just the right way, like an old t-shirt.
Any ideas on what I can do with it? Right now it’s a couch for some stuffies in one of the kids’ rooms. My kids don’t want it in their rooms, I think throwing it in a box in the attic will ruin it (and maybe that’s fine)…ideas?! My husband suggested turning the fabric into something or maybe finding a “classy way to use it as a throw pillow” but I’m not sure either would make sense. Maybe…a christmas ornament? idk.
Anon says
This gorgeous house around the corner is on the market again. 6 Bedroom Victorian, on a main road but gorgeous like house I imagined when I was 12 kind of place. I had this brief moment of ‘oh, we could actually swing that if interest rates were lower’ but then thought better of it.
List price is around $800k and we’re in a MCOL area with a HHI of around $300k. Our current home would sell easily for $450-500k tomorrow if we wanted.
This is not an actual idea, but just throwing it out there – anyone willing to anonymously share HHI and house cost?
Anonymous says
This just feels a bit humble braggy. Congrats on being rich and living in a cheap enough area that you house isn’t much more than a years pay and on being able to afford a massive dream house if you want it?
Anonymous says
Sorry? Honestly asking here because I grew up qualifying for free lunches and have nobody in my family who I could ask this question and I am not comfortable talking about this with friends.
Not actually going to buy this house, more of a perspective question.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
OP, FWIW I didn’t read it as humble brag-y.
Most of my friends and I were lower to solidly middle class growing up, with immigrant parents that were trying to figure it out.
We have similar conversations often like “Oh wow, we can actually swing this [house, car, vacation] – if we really wanted to – so different than when we were growing up.” or when we rent a nice beach house for a week, we talk about how this is “normal” for our kids but wasn’t something we did/were able to do growing up. Yeah, I have some exceptions in my friend group where they were just wealthy growing up – 2x yearly vacations to Disney and/or a cruise, regular trips back to parent’s country of origin that included travels around (not just staying with family) etc. – but most were far from this.
Plus this is an anon board, so even if you did want to flex…it’s anon…
Anon says
Our HHI is around $220k.
Live in the suburbs of Atlanta so generally MCOL
House was purchased for about $310 5 years ago. Zillow estimates nearly $480k but I’d bet closer to $450 if we sold now.
Anon says
HHI is $300k, house cost (Feb 2020) $375k and we’ve put about $175k into renos/upgrades/work. Low to medium cost of living area (we moved from VHCOL).
Anon says
That seems reasonable. We also live in a MOCL and make around $300k. I think our house is worth maybe around $800k and it’s not a six bedroom victorian. I will say though, victorians are great but they’re typically not insulated. So you may also have to spend $500 a month heating it in the winter, if it gets cold where you live. I seriously considered buying one at the tippy top of our budget and then I realized that I’d have to spend a billion dollars heating and cooling it. Plus if I ever needed to reroof it, it would cost a zillion dollars.
Anon says
Our HHI is $160-180k (fluctuates). We bought our house for $350k but pretty much immediately invested another $110k in it ($50k for a very nice kitchen reno + $60k finishing the basement in a very basic way so we could use that space), so I guess effectively $460k. That was about as high as I wanted to go. We are in a LCOL area so homes in the $300s-400s are perfectly nice, and we have a small family and I didn’t want a giant space to have to maintain. But mainly I didn’t want to be house poor. I like being able to afford experiences like travel and conveniences like house cleaners.
Anon says
Oh and also I should mention we had a really large down payment saved ($250k), because we were moving from a VHCOL area with higher salaries. So we took a mortgage of about $200k, slightly more than one year’s new lower HHI. I do not think a $360k mortgage would have felt comfortable for us, although we could have literally made it work.
Anon says
HHI $250K, VHCOL area, not a homeowner because we don’t feel like paying $1.5M for a dump in a bad neighborhood next to the highway 90 minutes from work. Rent is $2400/month for 2 bed, 2 bath (a screaming deal for Bay Area).
Anon (in Boston) says
Ok, coming at you from my HCOL area: HHI around $400K, bought house for around $700K, now worth over $900K according the the internet. New builds popping up around here go for $1.2-1.7M.
Anonymous says
lol yeah my normal 1960s colonial in Boston burbs would sell for over $800K today. Our HHI is somewhere between $300-400K (variable comp for each of us is… quite variable these last few years) and I would feel totally fine even buying a $1.2M home.
Anon says
I’ll play. DC suburbs, HHI ~$350k (husband’s income varies and a large percentage is nontaxable which helps); house purchased in 2022 for $1.6M; $800k mortgage.
I run a lot says
I’ll play! HHI just under $200K. House was $270K about 7 years ago and could easily get $450K now.
anon says
MCOL that’s becoming HCOL (North Carolina)
Bought for $900k in early 2022 after selling a house in a HCOL. 4b/3b in a ritzy neighborhood. HHI fluctuates between $380-480 depending on bonuses and RSUs though we budget on base salary only.
Anon says
+1 to MCOL that’s becoming HCOL – Houston, TX. (And yes — I know our state politics are terrible, but it’s also true folks are moving to the big cities in TX – from other VHCOL places.)
HHI is ~$600K. Bought for right under $1M in mid-2022. Value is increasing, as will our property taxes (which is fine with me – taxes build society and all that).
anon says
Hi, NC neighbor!
Bought this year for low $700s, HHI $300K after renting the past few years and moving states a few times.
Homes in our part of NC used to max out at $700K, meaning our dream house in an ideal neighborhood would have been ~$600-$700K….in the past 2 years those homes are $900K-$1.5M which is just way more than my comfort zone. Happy with our home, but crying over what we could have gotten here in 2021 and earlier.
Anonymous says
When we bought our current house we spent $700k with a HHI of $430k. We spent $300k on a major renovation. Our HHI is now more like $330k.
I’m not sure how that helps you; we are pretty conservative and bought a house we could afford on one income. At one point, DH was laid off. Eventually I went part time. We decided we wanted to improve the current home vs move, so we did.
If you are looking for permission to buy an $800k house on an income of $300k I guess you have it; I’d just caution that you should plan to keep that HHI for a while and potentially budget a lot more for maintenance than you currently do. We have 4K Sq fT and it is so much time (or money!).
OOO says
HHI is $260k, MCOL area, bought house for $190k but it has been a money pit. Put $100k into it so far. If we sold it today we would probably break even. Shortly after we bought it interest rates dropped and DH convinced me to refinance to a 15 year mortgage. Now he wants to buy a bigger house and is very annoying about it, but I don’t want to renovate another house. Would rather enjoy the updates we made to our current house at least for a few more years.
anonforthis says
HHI is ~450k cash + 80k RSUs + bonuses (~40k?) so ~550-600k total. The RSUs thing is new for us & weird & it’s not meant to be a humble brag at all- I know it’s a lot of money, but it also comes with a lot of confusing tax implications & additional tax payments. I’m very uptight about taxes.
We bought our 3 bedroom house in DC for 800k, have 530k left on the mortgage and zillow says it’s worth 1.1 but I don’t think we’d actually get that. Our childcare is 2x our mortgage right now.
Anonymous says
I get RSUs too and this is what finally pushed me to find a financial/tax advisor after a lifetime of DIY personal finance. I don’t count RSUs in my comp. My company’s stock price tanked almost immediately after they were issued in 2022, and has continued to slide, so I think at this point all of my unvested RSUs are worth less than their issue price, some by a pretty wide margin… at least I can use them to offset other capital gains, I guess.
Anonymous says
HHI is now about 220K in VHCOL. Bough 1300 sq ft apartment 7 years ago for about 650K, now work 970K according to Zillow (so who knows). We did renovate rather extensively, approx75K worth.
Anon4this says
VHCOL area. HHI varies between $1.2 and $1.8M depending on partnership income and bonuses. Our house cost $1.75M about 5 years ago.
Vicky Austin says
I’ll play! LCOL, HHI of just over $200k, purchased current house (5/3/3) for $630k at the end of 2021. Preliminary Zillow investigations reveal we could probably list it for mid 700s.
Boston burbs says
I’ll play. I’m in Boston suburbs, basically on 95/128.
I have a very high HHI today but I bought my house when it was about $350k. $850k purchase price. Refinanced with a 2.9% mortgage in 2020 on a 30-year fixed jumbo, so our P&I monthly is about $2400. I thought we’d have moved by now TBH but our rate is so low and, honestly, we don’t need the space so we’re plenty happy staying put and just upgrading parts of the house along the way and using our would-be-down payment money for the next house in other ways (namely, savings). It’s probably worth $1.1m+ today from a combination of upgrades and market values increasing around me/some recent comps in the area.
I think you’re right to consider interest. On the one hand, your numbers would make sense to me (personally – and it is absolutely a personal decision/personal assessment of risk tolerance, what one is willing to “afford”). But the current rates really do skew the math in a big way from a year or more ago. I really feel for people who have to buy in this market, or were previously shut out of pre-rate hike markets.
Anonymous says
Do you want/need a house that big? Can you afford the maintenance and upkeep? Like…I have 3 kids and two dogs in 4500sq ft and a giant 3 car garage and it’s a LOT (and $$$) to keep it running and clean. And we only have 4 BRs (5 if you count my office/study).
Anon says
I grew up in a Victorian, so I totally understand the dream.
HHI around $220k. Recently bought our dream country property through family last Fall. Paid $500k. Value is around $600k. We are now tackling a laundry list of items needed to keep the property maintained for the long haul (Ex. New siding for a small barn).
Anon says
Forgot to add, MCOL area.
Anonymous says
HCOL. We bought our starter house 10 years ago for $450k with a VA loan, no down payment. We would probably have ~$200k equity if we sold today. A dream house in our current area would be $850k-1.1M. HHI is $400k, and although we could swing it, our mortgage would *at least* double, and I’m not willing to do that. DH and I get a lot of mental health benefit from not needing to budget too carefully and knowing we could downsize our jobs if we want to.
OP, I also fantasized about living in a Victorian house like that when 12. and also now.
octagon says
DC area. HHI at purchase was about 225K, home price 800K (mortgage 600K). House has nearly doubled in value – neighborhood has skyrocketed and we bought pre-covid so were able to refinance to a stupidly low interest rate. We want a bigger house but our incomes haven’t kept pace with the home price appreciation, so we are probably here for a while.
You don’t say whether you have a large debt burden (like student loans) but your income is easily enough to afford that house – and I always wanted a large Victorian, so I get it! But be realistic about ongoing maintenance issues and energy costs, they will both be more than you expect.
Op says
Oh yeah, the practical considerations totally make this not a real idea. Like, this huge deck and enormous porch… incredible!!! But also $$$ for maintenance and repairs.
No debt burden, not looking to change our spending priorities to accommodate this, but… it’s not totally unrealistic.
Anon says
It’s not unrealistic at all. I’m very surprised by these answers, frankly. This is wealth.
We are in a V/HCOL area (I’m not quite sure the dividing line, but we are NYC burbs). HHI is $170K and rising, good benefits, and we just bought a house for $765K. We had a 25% down payment and ample cash in the bank after the sale of our first house that increased significantly in value, but did do some improvements right away. We don’t have any outside childcare costs (which I bet factors into the general “affordability” for many posters) and we live very very frugally in other areas.
Anon says
HCOL area that is exploding. Bought house for $475K 7 years ago when HHI was $300K. Our HHI is higher now, but likely to decrease significantly soon since I’m transitioning from private practice to state job! House is worth $750K now according to the many unsolicited offers we get.
Anon says
DC suburbs- HHI $170, 000 (husband works in city government, I work in the arts). The only way we could afford a house ($525K five years ago) was through the deaths of my Husband’s parents.
Anon says
Why not? HHI ~$267K. Renting forever…NYC. Nuff said.
Anon says
I’m in Ohio suburbs. HHI of around $400-440K. House purchased 5 years ago for $380K (plus immediate $40K of renovations). At the time, HHI was closer to $300K. Mortgage and taxes is combined $1200 a month. Zillow has it worth around $590K now. We’re considering upgrading but nothing this size (5 bedrooms plus office) in our neighborhood/school district is less than $700K to $ 1 million now. And I’m not comfortable spending that much.
Pumping and work travel says
I have both specific and general questions re: pumping and work travel:
Specific – I have high lipase milk, so I scald before freezing. If this was also you, did you even bother trying to scald while traveling with a bottle warmer, or did you just pump & dump to maintain supply?
Also specific – if you traveled internationally with pumped milk (short haul ~2 hours and long haul ~ 10 hours), I’d love your tips.
General – any general tips for pumping while traveling for work? Baby will be 7 months (so will have started solids by then), we don’t use formula and do not plan to, he currently gets 1 bottle of pumped milk a day from the nanny and the rest is me nursing (I work from home so I nurse all but one feed unless it’s a crazy day and I can’t get away from work long enough for it). I’m very nervous about having to pump that many times in a day (I only pump 12 minutes for a full feed, but still, it’s a lot of times!) and also worried about him rejecting the b**b when I get home.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t add to your stress by trying to get the milk scalded and transported back home safely.
I would focus on what you can control – pumping to maintain supply. Your supply is well established from what you’ve said above, so you’ve got that part. You could try to control transporting the milk back home, but with two flights there are a lot of wild cards even if you have a cooler and ice packs. If you have a stash at home, save yourself the stress of transport and some overzealous TSA (or equivalent) agent getting all up in your frozen milk and messing something up.
Try not to worry about b__b rejection. Your b__bs are awesome and your baby will be happy to see you and them.
anon says
I’ve had to travel twice for ~36 hours each time while pumping and likely have a few more trips before I give up bfeeding.
It’s hard enough to pump when I’m in the office and back to back with meetings but work travel is even harder. The advice is to pump as often as your baby feeds, which for me is 8-9x a day, but after the first trip I realized ~6 was probably the max I could realistically handle. It’s really hard to step out of important meetings to pump and doubly hard to pump in an airport when traveling with your boss. I wish I were comfortable enough to pump in a cab with other colleagues or on the plane but alas I am not. Because my trips are short and infrequent I’m okay with a temporary supply hit and just double down on pumping every 2 hours when I get home.
In my experience, I haven’t actually gotten the milk to freeze while traveling. I pack several ice packs for transit, then freeze in the office when I’m there and stick in the hotel fridge overnight. I’m wary of partially freezing milk only for it to warm up a bit, so I keep it in the fridge during the day and at the hotel. TSA rules say they will test your milk if it isn’t frozen, but in practice at LGA they only did this once and it was a strip across the bag.
I wouldn’t worry about rejection when you get home. My baby is so happy to see me.
Vicky Austin says
So I read Work Pump Repeat by Jessica Shortall in preparation for coming back to work, and she did a weeklong business trip to Nepal (!) when her first was 5mo, I want to say? And she 100% pumped and dumped, including out the window of a moving car, because getting all that milk through a long-haul flight back from Kathmandu was never going to happen. Not saying you have to give up on the idea, but you might want to read her account and see what you can pick up from it – whether for or against hauling all the milk home.
You say baby will be 7mo at the time of your work trip; does that mean it’s a couple months in the future? Can you try adding in another bottle to his day so it’s a more gradual ramp up to your absence? Both for him (taking bottle) and for you (pumping). I’m super sore today after pumping 3x yesterday for the first time; you might make it easier on yourself by lessening the impact of ALL THE PUMPING ALL OF A SUDDEN. Since, you know, it’s not like you’ll be dealing with anything else when the trip rolls around.
Pumping and work travel says
Thanks, everyone, for your insight!
Right now I’m leaning towards dumping anything other than what I pump within 24 hours of my return trip. He’ll drink fresh (unscalded) milk for up to 3 days post-pumping, so he can have that during the 1-2 days after my return. I have about 200 ounces frozen right now, which should be closer to 400 by the time of the trip, so I’m not concerned about replacing everything he drinks when I’m gone. My supply took a hit with baby #1 when my period came back so the extra daily pump to freeze is to hedge against that, but it will also make travel less stressful, as I’m realizing.
And, yes, Vicki, it’s 2 months out. Adding another bottle for a few weeks before the trip is a great idea – thank you!
I’ve also been telling people that I’m going to wait to schedule nice-to-have (meeting new team members) international long-haul trips until he is older, given that I’d need to excuse myself every few hours from meetings/dinners to pump. Maybe this will come back to haunt me, but I’m pretty senior (SVP) and feel like people need to understand that working moms can perform extremely well but may need a bit of a different structure for that first year, just due to the competing demands of work and baby stuff.