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In the recent article “Why Parents Give Their Children a Last Name Other Than Their Father’s,” The New York Times (gift link) looked at the issue of giving children a surname other than their father’s (among opposite-sex relationships, that is). We thought it would make for a great discussion for CorporetteMoms readers! Noting that “Even as many gender norms have changed … the tradition of giving babies their fathers’ surnames remains so strong as to be almost unquestioned,” the story features several couples who decided to buck the trend.
We talked about baby/kid names last spring, but it’s been five (!) years since we had a discussion on what last name to choose for your kid(s). (In that post, Kat, Kate, former CorporetteMoms writer April, and one of Kat’s friends shared how we/they made that decision.) It garnered dozens of comments, so we’re hoping for an active discussion today, too.
The children of the opposite-sex couples interviewed for the NYT story have surnames that are:
- the mother’s last name
- a new last name combining parts of their parents’ names
- two surnames, one from each parent (as is common among families in Spanish-speaking countries)
- a hyphenated surname
- the mother’s name as a middle name and the father’s as a last name
- the mother’s last name as a first name (!) and the father’s last name as a surname
The same-sex couple in the story combined their surnames to create a new one for their child.
Here are a couple of excerpts from the article:
Historically, children did not automatically get their fathers’ surnames, and customs vary in other parts of the world. In England, until the 18th century, surnames were fluid, and it was common for children to have their mother’s or grandmother’s last name, said Deborah Anthony, a professor of legal studies at the University of Illinois, Springfield.
* * * *
Kaitlin Bushinski in Philadelphia combined her surname with her husband’s, Conkwright. They vetoed a few because of how they sounded — like Conkshinski, which became the name of their Wi-Fi network instead — and landed on Bright.
“To me it feels like erasure, it feels like that vestige of when women were once property,” she said. “When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I just felt really adamantly that I didn’t want her to have a man’s last name, not my father’s, not my husband’s.”
Readers, do tell! How did you decide on your child’s last name? Did you use any of the naming methods above?
Cb says
We combined surnames when we got married – both of us changed to the same colour + animal mascot name, and our son has the same name. It was important to my husband to have the same name, and this was the compromise position (if he hadn’t been willing to change his name, I’d have kept mine and double-barrelled mine).
My FIL/BIL HATE this, and refuse to address things properly… they also hate my son’s nickname as “very American” and used an alternative nickname until he was old enough to correct them.
anonmom says
Yeah, I didn’t change my last name, but my in-laws used to still address envelopes to “[his name] & [my name] [his last name]”…
anonM says
+1. I did the same, and still get “Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast”. Also strongly dislike people giving my kids nicknames I don’t use. Think Dick for Richard. Just, no. Thankfully even at like 3 my son would either not respond at all/act annoyed.
Anonymous says
I can do you one better. My husband’s family just addresses things to him only even when it’s ostensibly to our whole family. Once, admittedly early on, we got an invite to a family wedding that just said, “Mr. John Smith & guest.” That one was funny because normally I would respond with an RSVP and a small gift even if we weren’t attending but I decided that since it was not addressed to me, that was not my responsibility. Sister-in-law ended up calling husband in a panic later to see if he got cousin’s invite because, of course, he never responded. But not my problem…
Anon says
Hahahahahahahaha. Oh my god.
Emma says
I live in Quebec, where people can’t legally change their names when they get married, so I kept my last name. We thought of hyphenating for the baby, but honestly it was going to be a lot of letters. DH was actually fine with the idea but I felt it would be a hassle on forms, at school etc. And DH’s last name has a strong religious/cultural significance to him so just doing my name didn’t work. I don’t love that we stuck to the tradition and gave her DH’s last name only, but at the end of the day it was the best option for us.
OOO says
I am 1st gen American and DH is not. DS has a first and middle name from my ethnicity, and DH’s last name. So we went the traditional route of using father’s last name, but I don’t feel like I have been erased completely.
I kept my maiden name but I don’t mind if strangers or distant relatives call me Mrs. Hislastname. Also, on holiday cards I refer to our family as The Hislastnames.
AwayEmily says
I kept my name. First kid (girl) got husband’s last name, my last as her middle. Second kid (boy) got my last name, husband’s last as his middle. Third kid (girl) got husband’s last name, my last as her middle. If we had another they would have my last name again, but that is CERTAINLY not happening.
Anon says
Oh fascinating! I wrote below about thinking about but ultimately not wanting my kids to have different last names from each other. Is it a pain or do people handle it pretty easily?
AwayEmily says
It has never been an issue at all — kids are now 7,5, and almost-two, so they have attended multiple daycares and the older two are in elementary school and no one has ever been surprised or found it unusual. It’s never been a problem when traveling internationally, either. I think there are so many mixed families these days that people are used to lots of different last-name combos.
Cerulean says
We did it similarly! We agreed that if the first were a girl, she would get my last name, boy would get his, and then we would alternate last names for subsequent kids. Our first is a girl, so she has my last name and it’s unlikely we’ll have another. My ILs were all “but what about our last name?” despite the fact that they have three other grandkids with their last name and our kid is likely to be the sole grandkid on my side.
Anonymous says
My kids have their father’s last name because it’s shorter and sounds better. I think they sometimes are bummed about us not all having the same name. I didn’t want to hyphenate because my last name is already very long. I probably would have considered changing my name to my partner’s if it sounded better with mine but it was meh at best. I think I am nothing if not practical with all this. I would have liked us all having the same name and us picking a new family name but my in laws would have been sincerely crushed to have their son not have the family name anymore. I don’t blame them; he’s the only one carrying on the name because everyone else in the line is female and took a husband’s name. I honestly don’t think there is any way to “merge” families/people without someone losing out, which is probably why I am squarely on team “what’s more practical/sounds better?” We have a friend who had a fantastic first and last name and changed it to something that, imo, just doesn’t sound great and I will always privately think that was a mistake. I think the only solution is to accept all options and let people make whatever choices they want without judgment. I hope that’s where we are headed because even the egalitarian hyphen or combo name just punts the problem to the next generation.
Cerulean says
TBH, I’m completely fine with men/men’s side of the family “losing out” in this regard because it’s still pretty rare and usually they’re the winners in the name selection. Would your in-laws have put forward the same pressure on your husband if he were a girl? I somehow doubt it.
anon says
I have two stepchildren who have my husband’s last name, so we decided that our children together would also have his last name in order to help them feel like they’re all part of the same family/not distinguish one set of kids from the other. I did not change my last name.
Anonymous says
My kid from my first marriage has my last name (I didn’t change it) because I don’t share a last name with any living relative and wanted to pass it on and share with someone. I have now gotten married a second time and we’re having a kid together and my older kid INSISTS that the baby has to have HER (not my lol) last name because it’s HER sibling — husband is amused and happy to go along with it.
Anon says
Our kids have his last name. I felt/feel strongly about keeping my name (it’s mine!) but my last name is my Dad’s last name so I didn’t feel like there was some sort of maternal lineage I needed to pass down. Our oldest is a girl, and my husband kind of wanted to give her my last name. However, if we ever had a boy, he felt like he needed to pass down his last name to his son for his father (he’s the only son and all his sisters changed their last names with marriage). I was NOT okay with only The Boy receiving his last name or my kids having different last names.
I’m still happy with our decision. The only time I struggle is with holiday cards. I go back and forth but ultimately feel better when I sign The HisLastName MyLastName Family so have resolved to do that from now own.
Cerulean says
I never understood this line of thought. Nearly everyone’s last name comes from a parent. Is your husband’s last name “just” his father’s last name? The only way to start any sort of matrilineal passing down of a name for most people in the US is to just do it. My name is from my dad and his family but it’s also *my* last name and my family.
Not ragging on your choice, it’s so personal and I know there are so many factors that go into it! But I don’t think the “it’s my dad’s last name” argument holds much water.
Anonymous says
Yes exactly. And why are you attaching superiority to his last name being passed down to The Boy? What about only The Girl getting your last name passed down?
Anon says
I guess because there is a patrilineal tradition on both sides of our family which my husband finds value in so I want both our kids to have the “valuable” name. There’s not a matrilineal tradition and I didn’t feel a similar sense of value in creating one. Totally understandable that some people do! I just personally don’t.
Anon says
I keep thinking about this and realized it’s also because when I was pregnant with my first my husband had some gender disappointment. It became a non-issue as soon as she was born, but at the time I was also probably subconsciously extra protective of wanting her to be seen as equal to a hypothetical brother.
Anonymous says
I like my husband’s dad much better than mine, so if I’m going to have someone’s dad’s name I prefer his.
Anon says
A friend gave her son her maiden name as a first name, which I thought was cute. It’s something that’s a totally normal first name though (think like Lucas). It wouldn’t work with a lot of last names.
Leone says
This was easy – my mom and his mom both kept their names when they got married and named me and my husband First MomsLast DadsLast. I kept my name and our kids are all First MomsLast DadsLast also.
Maybe it is just our small corner of the world but a good 50% of kids in my kids’ classes are also named First MomsLast DadsLast, so it is a very common convention. Our Christmas cards come from “The MomsLast + DadsLast Family” which also seems to be a very common convention based on the Christmas cards we received.
Anonymous says
I didn’t like my last name so I took my husband’s name. That made it OUR name and we gave it to our kids.
Anon says
Same. Sometimes I feel guilty about it but his name is really common and I like having a name that’s easy to say and spell and I also like that our kids won’t be super easy to find on google.
Anonymous says
It gets more complicated at the second generation of non-traditional naming, especially if you are hyphenating or using double last names. I know a couple where the husband is John Hismom-Hisdad and the wife is Jane Hername. What do they name their kids? Johnny Hername Hismom-Hisdad?
Anon says
Usually the adult with the hyphenated name picks one to pass down, in my experience.
Turtlemania says
Why are you worried about this? They’re adults and will figure it out. Plenty of cultures have a long tradition of double last names and yes, each generation one of those names gets dropped and another combination is formed.
Why yes, I do have a hyphenated name and it’s always amused me when others are so worried on my behalf. Like the other reply said, I dropped my father’s last name and gave my kids a hyphenated name that adds in my husband’s name.
Alana says
Yes, I have found that having a hyphenated last name triggers people with misogynist beliefs. It was especially strange for a family friend to react to it after knowing our family for decades, but 1) he never said anything while my parents were alive and 2) he likely consumes some type of manosphere content. The interaction was irritating to say the least.
It has been easier living in a part of the US that was formerly Mexico. In contrast a DC DMV person only used one part of the last name, creating extra headaches at the airport because the names did not match up.
Anony says
My husband and I hyphenated our names when we got married, and then gave our joint name to our kids. What they might do in the future really isn’t my business, they’ll make a decision just like I did.
Anon says
We gave our daughter my first name (which is a tradition in my family) and husband’s last name. And I never changed my last name, so we’re Jane Smith, John Doe, and Jane Doe.
Anon says
My last name is Kelly, and it’s a pain – people call me Kelly all the time, or think that I haven’t introduced myself by my full name (they think I’m Jane-Kelly LastName), and the men in my family have a few headaches as well (people who don’t read carefully and think the email is from a woman).
So my son got my husband’s last name. I really didn’t want to do Kelly as a middle name for a boy; I might have for a girl. Picking his first name (a family name from my side) was special.
Anonymous says
My last name is Lee and I have the same issue with people thinking it’s the second part of my first name.
Anon says
We hyphenated when we got married, effectively solving the issue of what name to give our children. When I got married, I became First MyLast-HisLast, as did he. That’s also our kids’ name. Does it annoy me when his family addresses us as Dr & Mrs HisLast? Yup. (We’re both Dr)