Let’s Discuss: How Did You Choose Your Child’s Last Name?
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In the recent article “Why Parents Give Their Children a Last Name Other Than Their Father’s,” The New York Times (gift link) looked at the issue of giving children a surname other than their father’s (among opposite-sex relationships, that is). We thought it would make for a great discussion for CorporetteMoms readers! Noting that “Even as many gender norms have changed … the tradition of giving babies their fathers’ surnames remains so strong as to be almost unquestioned,” the story features several couples who decided to buck the trend.
We talked about baby/kid names last spring, but it’s been five (!) years since we had a discussion on what last name to choose for your kid(s). (In that post, Kat, Kate, former CorporetteMoms writer April, and one of Kat’s friends shared how we/they made that decision.) It garnered dozens of comments, so we’re hoping for an active discussion today, too.
The children of the opposite-sex couples interviewed for the NYT story have surnames that are:
- the mother’s last name
- a new last name combining parts of their parents’ names
- two surnames, one from each parent (as is common among families in Spanish-speaking countries)
- a hyphenated surname
- the mother’s name as a middle name and the father’s as a last name
- the mother’s last name as a first name (!) and the father’s last name as a surname
The same-sex couple in the story combined their surnames to create a new one for their child.
Here are a couple of excerpts from the article:
Historically, children did not automatically get their fathers’ surnames, and customs vary in other parts of the world. In England, until the 18th century, surnames were fluid, and it was common for children to have their mother’s or grandmother’s last name, said Deborah Anthony, a professor of legal studies at the University of Illinois, Springfield.
* * * *
Kaitlin Bushinski in Philadelphia combined her surname with her husband’s, Conkwright. They vetoed a few because of how they sounded — like Conkshinski, which became the name of their Wi-Fi network instead — and landed on Bright.
“To me it feels like erasure, it feels like that vestige of when women were once property,” she said. “When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I just felt really adamantly that I didn’t want her to have a man’s last name, not my father’s, not my husband’s.”
Readers, do tell! How did you decide on your child’s last name? Did you use any of the naming methods above?
We combined surnames when we got married – both of us changed to the same colour + animal mascot name, and our son has the same name. It was important to my husband to have the same name, and this was the compromise position (if he hadn’t been willing to change his name, I’d have kept mine and double-barrelled mine).
My FIL/BIL HATE this, and refuse to address things properly… they also hate my son’s nickname as “very American” and used an alternative nickname until he was old enough to correct them.
I live in Quebec, where people can’t legally change their names when they get married, so I kept my last name. We thought of hyphenating for the baby, but honestly it was going to be a lot of letters. DH was actually fine with the idea but I felt it would be a hassle on forms, at school etc. And DH’s last name has a strong religious/cultural significance to him so just doing my name didn’t work. I don’t love that we stuck to the tradition and gave her DH’s last name only, but at the end of the day it was the best option for us.
I am 1st gen American and DH is not. DS has a first and middle name from my ethnicity, and DH’s last name. So we went the traditional route of using father’s last name, but I don’t feel like I have been erased completely.
I kept my maiden name but I don’t mind if strangers or distant relatives call me Mrs. Hislastname. Also, on holiday cards I refer to our family as The Hislastnames.
I kept my name. First kid (girl) got husband’s last name, my last as her middle. Second kid (boy) got my last name, husband’s last as his middle. Third kid (girl) got husband’s last name, my last as her middle. If we had another they would have my last name again, but that is CERTAINLY not happening.
My kids have their father’s last name because it’s shorter and sounds better. I think they sometimes are bummed about us not all having the same name. I didn’t want to hyphenate because my last name is already very long. I probably would have considered changing my name to my partner’s if it sounded better with mine but it was meh at best. I think I am nothing if not practical with all this. I would have liked us all having the same name and us picking a new family name but my in laws would have been sincerely crushed to have their son not have the family name anymore. I don’t blame them; he’s the only one carrying on the name because everyone else in the line is female and took a husband’s name. I honestly don’t think there is any way to “merge” families/people without someone losing out, which is probably why I am squarely on team “what’s more practical/sounds better?” We have a friend who had a fantastic first and last name and changed it to something that, imo, just doesn’t sound great and I will always privately think that was a mistake. I think the only solution is to accept all options and let people make whatever choices they want without judgment. I hope that’s where we are headed because even the egalitarian hyphen or combo name just punts the problem to the next generation.
I have two stepchildren who have my husband’s last name, so we decided that our children together would also have his last name in order to help them feel like they’re all part of the same family/not distinguish one set of kids from the other. I did not change my last name.
Our kids have his last name. I felt/feel strongly about keeping my name (it’s mine!) but my last name is my Dad’s last name so I didn’t feel like there was some sort of maternal lineage I needed to pass down. Our oldest is a girl, and my husband kind of wanted to give her my last name. However, if we ever had a boy, he felt like he needed to pass down his last name to his son for his father (he’s the only son and all his sisters changed their last names with marriage). I was NOT okay with only The Boy receiving his last name or my kids having different last names.
I’m still happy with our decision. The only time I struggle is with holiday cards. I go back and forth but ultimately feel better when I sign The HisLastName MyLastName Family so have resolved to do that from now own.
A friend gave her son her maiden name as a first name, which I thought was cute. It’s something that’s a totally normal first name though (think like Lucas). It wouldn’t work with a lot of last names.
This was easy – my mom and his mom both kept their names when they got married and named me and my husband First MomsLast DadsLast. I kept my name and our kids are all First MomsLast DadsLast also.
Maybe it is just our small corner of the world but a good 50% of kids in my kids’ classes are also named First MomsLast DadsLast, so it is a very common convention. Our Christmas cards come from “The MomsLast + DadsLast Family” which also seems to be a very common convention based on the Christmas cards we received.
I didn’t like my last name so I took my husband’s name. That made it OUR name and we gave it to our kids.
It gets more complicated at the second generation of non-traditional naming, especially if you are hyphenating or using double last names. I know a couple where the husband is John Hismom-Hisdad and the wife is Jane Hername. What do they name their kids? Johnny Hername Hismom-Hisdad?
We gave our daughter my first name (which is a tradition in my family) and husband’s last name. And I never changed my last name, so we’re Jane Smith, John Doe, and Jane Doe.
My last name is Kelly, and it’s a pain – people call me Kelly all the time, or think that I haven’t introduced myself by my full name (they think I’m Jane-Kelly LastName), and the men in my family have a few headaches as well (people who don’t read carefully and think the email is from a woman).
So my son got my husband’s last name. I really didn’t want to do Kelly as a middle name for a boy; I might have for a girl. Picking his first name (a family name from my side) was special.
We hyphenated when we got married, effectively solving the issue of what name to give our children. When I got married, I became First MyLast-HisLast, as did he. That’s also our kids’ name. Does it annoy me when his family addresses us as Dr & Mrs HisLast? Yup. (We’re both Dr)