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Anon says
Piggybacking off yesterday’s discussion, as we are going into the activities phase of life with two kids aged 7 and 9, what did your parents do well/poorly with sports and activities when you were growing up? I will answer below.
Anon says
In a lot of ways, my parents both got it right and had it easy. Easy because my brother and I did the same sport, so had games usually in the same place (or like adjoining courts) but we didn’t compete directly against each other. So it felt very harmonious.
My parents hit the right notes with us — they showed up for every game they could, but it was very much with the attitude of “you’re our kids, and we love being together, so we are just going where you are going!” I got the sense if we had picked theatre or something wildly different, it would have been the same mentality. They were just happy to be with us, doing stuff. They always had fun at games with other parents — hosted happy hours in their hotel rooms when we traveled, or helped organize parent dinners. We didn’t discuss games at non-game times; no one discussed their performance at meals or at dinner. No one’s success or failure was ever held up as being part of their identity. I apparently ONCE told my dad I didn’t want to talk about a game after we left, and he absolutely respected that. It was just..the thing we all did together (and still do when we are together as a family).
As I got better, I do think the sport crowded out my ability to try new things — and I wish maybe they would have made more time for me to try new things? That said, as a parent, I really respect that they did have limited time and resources, and I wasn’t ready to quit my primary sport, so it was a natural boundary they put up to not being willing to overstress the family with one million activities.
In my family now, it will be different. One kid is showing aptitude and interest in a sport, and the other hasn’t found a groove yet — but I don’t think their thing will be sports. So I’m listening hard for people’s experience when one child goes hard at an activity, and the other doesn’t. So far, I think we’ve followed my parent’s lead at doing a really good job of enjoying our child’s games, but we don’t discuss performance outside of the game or around our other child. The other child never has to go to games, and we make sure to get a lot of quality non-sporty time with other child solo, doing an activity that they have shown interest in. But, still, I want to hit the right notes of being happy to be along for their rides, while keeping our time/attention balanced.
Anon says
My parents did pretty well, but they poured a little too much time and effort into my middle sister’s sports (my mom says it’s her “only” regret of motherhood). My sister was a good athlete and very social, and she did travel sports almost every season. She didn’t even really love the sports, she loved being with friends. My parents made good friends through the teams and enjoyed all of it, too, but it became a lot of full weekends or trips away and my other sister and I were dragged along, left home alone or left with my grandparents.
It’s a good reminder that even if one single kid may be super social or energetic and benefit from lots of activities, the family as a whole may suffer, and it’s worth pulling back for that reason alone. I’m sure with creativity my sister could have been helped to channel her need for socializing into other avenues sometimes
Anon says
I picked a sport (figure skating) that’s famously intense with a lot of crazy parents so mainly my parents did things right just by being sane and not being stage parents.
But more specifically:
-reminding me that I could quit whenever I wanted and they only wanted me to do it as long as it kept being fun
-making sure school always came first. Like most high level figure skaters I had a special school schedule so I could skate in the mornings, but they never contemplated pulling me out of school completely and I missed school for competitions only rarely
-being upfront about their limits. I knew they would never take a second mortgage on their home to finance skating or split our family up so I could train with better coaches (we knew lots of people who did both) so it wasn’t a shock to me when we bumped up against financial or logistical limits and they had to say no to things.
Skating can be super toxic and I can’t say I’d want my daughter doing it, but I have no issues with how my parents handled things.
Mary Moo Cow says
Well: Let my sister quit dance when she was tired of it (age 8 or 9); let me continue dance because I loved it and gave up so many weekends for competitions; let me try and quit soccer in pre-school and softball in elementary school; gave me positive encouragement when I liked softball but was terrible; let my sister and I do one sports and one extracurricular (they didn’t limit overly limit us but also didn’t sacrifice their own sanity for the sake of running us around); recognized that my sister and I had different needs and comfort level with activities.
What they could have done better: found a way to keep my sister in athletics (she was a natural runner but gave it up and they didn’t push, but her physical and mental health suffered without a physical outlet in HS); split up dance competition duties so my sister wasn’t dragged along every time; let me play my chosen fall sport my senior year of high school instead of insisting I drop it for a spring sport so I could focus on college applications (I was terrible at the spring sport, the team had been playing together for 2 years already, and I had senioritis.)
For DH, I think his parents did harm by only letting him do one thing at a time and saying no to activities because they didn’t want to have to drive, socialize on the sidelines, or because they weren’t interested in the activity (as if they would be the ones running down a field.) He turned out objectively fine, but he’s taken up more physical activities as an adult and has spoken up about wishing he had done scouting or youth group or a team sport instead of martial arts, etc.
Anon says
I agree with your post about it being important to sometimes push kids to stick with a sport. My best friend gave up volleyball because she felt self-conscious about the uniforms and her parents never pushed her past that and today she regrets that she never, ever did a sport again. She wishes they had pushed through a period of low self-esteem.
Anon says
It’s hard to be a parent and know when to push. Conversely, I tried several sports when younger and my parents let me quit them all and I’m so thankful. I am stressed out being hot and sweaty and the center of attention. I did take up running as a hobby in college, thanks to a roommate, but that was my choice and my own journey (and no one was watching or counting on me during races and fun runs). Some kids may benefit from sports, but they are not the end-all, be-all so many make them out to be!
Anonymous says
I think the key to knowing when to push is understanding the kid’s hesitation. If a girl loves volleyball but just hates the uniform, or loves gymnastics but just doesn’t like getting out of the house on Saturday mornings for practice, that’s the time to push. If a kid doesn’t love a sport, the environment is toxic, etc., that’s when you let them move on to something else. I also think there is value in requiring all kids to do some sort of physical activity, to become musically literate, and to have a basic religious education because they won’t get any of that in school.
Anon says
I agree, Anonymous at 10:25. My friend who quit volleyball definitely needed a push and would have benefited a LOT from staying in a sport (if not that one, then another one). I know it’s easy to say when you don’t have a kid yet, but I’m pregnant and our tentative plan (based on our own experiences and input from friends) is to require one active activity (sports, dance, martial arts, rock climbing, whatever) and one musical/artistic activity of the kid’s choice. Quitting a sport and trying something else is an option, but only either a) after the first day if it’s clear it’s not a fit and a commitment hasn’t been made yet or b) at the end of the season.
Anon says
To Anon at 10:41, I thought I’d have my kids learn a language (preference on either Spanish or a language from my family’s country of origin) + music + something physical, or do something like dance that combines music + something physical.
Granted my kids are still young (3 years old and in K), but with my job, DH’s job, I see 0 way of doing this without outsourcing more than we already are and compromising on downtime, which I’m not interested in. Other option is leaning out of work – not really an appealing option, either.
So for now, it is a lot of looking at available in-school/daycare/aftercare options. Ker does swim on the weekends, but it’s at place we are already at by default so isn’t additive. We may add something next year, but I will create the space for Ker to express interest and then move accordingly.
Anon says
@11:43 — I’ve seen “Ker” referenced or used a few times in these comments — is that a child’s name? Or nickname? Or short for something? Or just a misspelling of Kid?
Anon says
It means kindergartner.
anon says
Anon @12:15 Ker or K-er is usually a shorthand for writing out Kindergartener.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Kindergartener or K-er.
Anon says
OH! HA, that makes sense. Thanks guys :)
Anonymous says
Agree that you need to understand the hesitation. My daughter wanted to quit dance at 7 and it turns out she wanted to quit because she hated the tights. We talked to the studio. They said she could continue to do ballet until 8 with no tights, and/it do a dance with a different dress code. She switched to jazz and modern and is now 10 and still happily dancing in jazz pants. If she really loved ballet I’m sure we could have made it work, but she is super happy with where she is.
Anon says
+1 to the person at 11:43 that one active + one artsy activity simultaneously is going to be too much for many families, especially if you have more than one kid. Many preschool and elementary school kids need more downtime than that schedule allows and if you have even two kids you’re looking at 4 separate activities per week, which can get really hectic if both parents work outside the home.
Our philosophy has always been that activities are purely for fun, and we try to say yes when we can if it’s something kiddo wants to do, but we don’t push them. Summer camps are a good thing to try things on a short term basis without the financial and time commitment of a full season. My rising first grader who does dance and art classes during the school year is trying out soccer, basketball, theater and cheer through one week summer camps this coming summer.
Anon says
True (I’m 10:03), definitely important to get to the bottom of the hesitation. I guess I have a knee jerk reaction to all the comments about girls needing to do athletic activities, requiring your kids to do something from each XYZ category, etc. I did lacrosse in high school (at my parents’ urging, for college) and it was one of the most toxic environments I encountered in high school…a lot of clique behavior, and our female coach was actually involved with a male player, which came out after the fact. Sports can be good but I get salty seeing them out on such a pedestal. Sometimes you need to let go of what you want your kid to do and lean into the kid you have.
Anon says
I agree with the 1:13 poster. I wouldn’t want my kid being a couch potato all the time, but there are a lot of ways be active and social that don’t involve organized activities. I think as a culture we put too much emphasis on activities, particularly sports, and it’s totally fine to not do them.
Waffles says
My parents did what the other people around them were doing. That meant classical instrument, math, and second language classes. I asked for art classes, and got them, but overall it was pretty cookie-cutter and mostly non-negotiable. They cared zero about sports, and I didn’t do any.
I am taking pretty much the opposite approach with my kid. She picks her activities, and I encourage sports.
Cb says
Yeah, I did loads of artsy stuff but nothing sporty and I never really loved exercise until I was in my 30s, and even now, it’s solo stuff like yoga, cycling, hiking. I think I would have benefited from being on a team.
Anon says
My mom encouraged me to try lots of different things, especially during the elementary school years. Mostly it was school activities or Y-type summer camps.
I very distinctly remember the conversation when I was around 12, and I had to reduce it down to a single activity. School came first, and my homework load and commute time had significantly increased. But she was also transparent about finite financial resources, and that she would only spend the money if I followed through with commitment. I think she handled it very well.
anon says
Re: the discussion above about parental pushing…I’ve talked that over with my mom. From her perspective, she pushed very hard to keep us in the activities she believed would suit us best: team sports for the very competitive kid who needed a lot of exercise, music for the shy kid who thrived on continuity. I never thought I was being pushed.
In the conversation about reducing down to a single activity, I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t pick the one she wanted for me? I suspect she would have let me take a break for a few months and then found an opportunity to switch me back over at some natural transition point.
Anon says
Did well: made us each do sports. I honestly think that exercising their parental control to get us into activities that got us active and among friends was a really good idea. We grew up in a very small town where there weren’t a lot of other options and I think it was very wise, even though we complained at the time. Also did well: family time in the outdoors was mandatory. We all learned to hike, ski, rock climb, mountain bike, and fish because of it and we do it into adulthood.
Did poorly: some of the hikes and other mandatory outdoor activities were too dangerous for our ages. I’m all for reasonable risk, but they pushed it too far sometimes. Also did poorly: freaked out when I entered puberty and made me attend an aerobics class with all the mothers to watch my weight. I hated it so much, I actually screamed at my father on his birthday that I hated him for making me do it. I found it so incredibly embarrassing and stigmatizing and they should have let me stop way sooner and gotten rid of their own weight hangups before they even had kids. I was already so active – this humiliating class barely added to my exercise totals but it made me so ashamed. God, I’m glad the fat phobic 90s are behind us even if there are challenges today still.
Anoon says
Ugh, awful about the forced aerobics, I’m sorry you had to do that. I feel like all of my mother’s messaging to me about sports was framed in terms of body/weight. Like she’d praise me for staying thin by being physically active but when my legs got beautifully muscly from all the soccer I was playing she would point out how big they looked. Weight stigma was so strong when we were kids– still is, of course– but I feel like millennials should be cheered for ushering in a new era of body acceptance. I love us.
avocado says
This will reveal my identity to anyone who knows me IRL, but here goes anyway. My mom was a first-generation college student from a working-class family where all activities were school activities. She did music and theater in high school, then got into college (not for music) with zero parental support and therefore believed that everything could and should be driven by the kid’s own initiative. I think this is a big part of why I didn’t feel adequately supported in my activities.
As a little kid I desperately wanted piano lessons, but my parents refused because “you won’t practice so it’s not worthwhile.” (Note: they had no empirical basis for this claim.) I picked up an instrument at school in fifth grade. By middle school I was first chair in the most competitive section in a large and competitive band program in a wealthy suburban school where we had moved, despite not having private lessons like all of the other top kids. After years of begging and pleading my parents finally agreed to let me start private lessons in tenth grade. By junior year I was doing quite well for myself, and my mom even supported overnight trips for all-state orchestra. On the other hand, I turned down a spot I won in a youth orchestra once I found out about the fees because I was too afraid to ask my parents to spend the money. I was accepted to a prestigious summer program that could have been a game-changer for me, but my parents refused to let me attend. I later found out they had only let me apply because they thought I wouldn’t get in. When it came time for college auditions, flying anywhere was out of the question. Fortunately, one of the top music schools in the country was within driving distance and I got in, so I went there. I did reasonably well in college and got to do a few neat things but was no superstar. I think if I’d come in with more high-level experiences under my belt (and some stronger piano skills–not my major instrument but useful in multiple ways) I would have had the confidence and savvy to approach school much differently. To my mother’s credit, she did jump through a lot of hoops to attend all of my important performances in college and is still very proud of what I was able to achieve.
I had a younger sister who won more awards for working hard in school, but was never really interested in or successful at anything else. My parents were overly worried about her feeling left out and would often deny me opportunities or give her extra opportunities and privileges to keep things “fair,” which I saw as anything but equitable. As adults we are not close.
My experience led me to promise myself that I would do everything in my power to support my daughter’s interests as far as she wanted to take them. Over the years this has meant biting my tongue when in early elementary she chose to go all in on an activity for which she had less natural ability than some other activities she’d tried, then again in ninth grade when she gave that activity up for one of the ones for which she did have a lot of talent, then again when she cast THAT aside for music and theater very late in the game, and then when she put what I thought was too much energy into school music and theater and not enough into developing a strong technical foundation through her private lessons with a bel canto teacher. It’s also meant supporting her decision to major in music performance when I know just how hard it is and how much less preparation she has than the kids who have been doing this their whole lives. But I am proud that we’ve always given her all the opportunities she wanted and that she’s never felt constrained.
Anon says
“My parents were overly worried about her feeling left out and would often deny me opportunities or give her extra opportunities and privileges to keep things “fair,” which I saw as anything but equitable. As adults we are not close.”
I could have written this but about my brother. The kicker was when his C+ grade got taped to the fridge but my A grades never, ever did. I wanted to be a doctor and was told I should be a nurse; he wanted to be a doctor (despite having Fs on his transcript) and it was assumed he would become one. Spoiler, he’s unemployed.
Anon says
A lot of my feelings about activities are wrapped up in my parents’ gender bias. In their view:
#1 (most important) boy sports played professionally on TV (football, soccer, basketball, baseball)
#2 boy sports in the Olympics (wrestling)
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.
.
.
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#3 (distant) any sport player by a girl
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#4 (of no actual value) dance, theatre, music, language, art
My parents never ever missed one of my brother’s practices or games in his entire life. Endless travel tournaments. At the same time, they did allow me to do music, but never attended a single concert or performance, including important performances like All-State Orchestra where I had a solo and was recognized as a graduating senior. As another example, I was in marching band for 4 years and my parents never came to see a halftime show because they said the football games were too late at night. The next year my brother made the football team and they attended the next 4 years of games, never missing a single one.
In some ways it was probably better that I got to do whatever I wanted, though a bit of parental support or guidance would have helped me go further. My brother was stifled by athletic expectations that really hindered his ability to make decisions for himself, despite having every resource available to him. I have other sisters too, and they got some parental support for sports activities, but not for anything artistic.
Spirograph says
I’m sorry your parents celebrated your and your siblings passions and success so unevenly!
I think I lucked out that my mom has many siblings and they all seem to have done *both* sports and arts, so she was open to & enthusiastic about everything. She said in passing the other day how much she likes watching my kids do their sports (because of course I ended up with Sports Kids, when I wish just one of them would be interested in music like me!), since she missed out on that when we were kids. I’m not reading into that too much, though, I think she’s like someone else described their parents above — just happy to go watch kids do their thing and cheer them on, no matter what the activity is.
Anonymous says
I have all girls so we don’t have this issue. However, my 11 y/o has a good female friend that is the middle of 3 kids- Boy, Girl, Girl. Boy, oldest, plays hockey and my husband recently remarked how he thought they had 2-3 older sons based on how much hockey that family does. “Seriously? It’s just **one kid’s** hockey?! That is insane.”
Anonymous says
I’m still mad about my parents’ approach to this. My dad was a top tennis player in college. Instead of signing me up for lessons or camps, he decided to teach me himself. I never played against a peer, and had actually never played a real match or even a game until I found myself trying out for the high school teams. No surprise, while I was technically proficient, I had no idea how to actually play the game. I barely made JV. I quit after freshman year and don’t play anymore. It makes me sad because I love tennis.
Anonymous says
My husband played tennis in college and was a professional lifeguard. I ended up forbidding him to teach our kids because his early efforts just made them hate tennis and swimming.
Anonymous says
I feel like my parents did it well in that in my memory, they really followed our lead. I wanted to do a lot and mostly did; my brothers did not and mostly did not. I think they probably encouraged cub scouts and boy scouts when they were younger, and my older brother played softball briefly at the Y. But other than cub scouts, my younger brother never had any extracurriculars, and he has more hobbies than any of us as an adult.
In middle school and high school, I got into competitive swimming, which was hugely time consuming, and my parents stayed on the periphery of that – they didn’t really bond with the other parents, and had me carpool as much as possible for practices and meets. In hindsight, I can’t blame them; many of the other families were much more conservative/religious, and neither of my 2 brothers had any interest in swimming.
I do kind of wish they had saved me from having to get a ride with the family that blasted Rush Limbaugh every day on the way to the pool. When my mother’s beloved younger brother was dying of AIDS, one of the swim team parents announced at a gathering that AIDS was God’s way of punishing gay people, and my mother was so shocked and hurt that she didn’t say a word. But I think that was the nail in the coffin for swim team-related socializing.
Anoon says
Oof, what an awful comment from that carpool parent, I’m so sorry.
I definitely learned a lot about how other families did things by riding along with teammates. Once I went to a thanksgiving weekend tournament out of state with another family (because my parents were like, nope!) and we listened to Weird Al tapes in the car and stopped at their grandma’s condo on the way where we rode in a golf cart and ate tv dinners. I was amazed.
DLC says
I did not realize how much time and money my parents poured into my activities until I had kids myself. I was the kind of kid who was interested in everything – i did travel soccer, gymnastics, voice lessons and piano lessons and swimming and other random rec sports- never once did they say they couldn’t afford it or that I couldn’t do it. I don’t think this is “good” or “bad”, but I appreciated it. They weren’t terribly well off, but making sure kids got to explore interests and were involved in activities was important to them.
One thing I resented then but which I think was actually good was if my parents couldn’t drive me to a meet or game, they made me call my coach and ask for a ride. Being a very shy kid, I hated doing this but I can see now how it made me realize that travel soccer was important enough for me and that people are kinder than I thought.
anon says
Asking for rides was an important part of my extracurriculars too, and I HATED it too. But it was such an important learning process and in retrospect it was a very reasonable challenge. I got very comfortable mixing rides with public transit or walking, which allowed me to do activities that would otherwise have been impossible: weekly music with a wonderful teacher 2 hours away, theatre in an adult Shakespeare company with nightly rehearsals, a prestigious museum internship.
SC says
Well: My parents supported me in activities but didn’t push. I started horseback riding in 5th grade and loved it through middle school. They supported that, but I also wasn’t super serious. Early in high school, I got to a point where advancing was going to require a lot more time and money (basically, buying a horse, riding between lessons, traveling for shows). My parents did a good job of asking questions about whether I wanted to take on that type of commitment, letting me know what it would mean for the family but also leaving it up to me. I decided I wanted more than horseback riding out of high school. I kept doing lessons for a while, but ultimately, I quit in favor of school activities (none of which I had a particular talent for) and spending time with friends.
Poorly: My dad was a minister, and the whole family’s life revolved around church for a long time. We had church, activities, and meals with people ALL day Sundays, then again on Wednesday nights and sometimes another evening or two per week. There were also a lot of special events on Saturdays that my mom helped out with, while I either helped out or hung out with the other kids whose parents were there all the time. We were entirely too busy, and we were not happy. I was in various church activities because it was childcare at a time my parents were busy, but I had no particular interest in them or talent for them, especially the musical ones (children’s choir, handbells, etc).
Anon says
I want to offer maybe another perspective.
My parents were immigrants. They were new to the whole U.S. system of school/extracurriculars. The world was less globalized and there wasn’t social media; now my nieces and young cousins in my parents’ country of origin do activities outside of school more similarly to how it is in the U.S.
I remember meeting my SIL for the first time and her asking me “What sports did you play growing up?” I was…so confused that this was an assumption. She was a all-around sportsperson, did travel softball, and it was 100% great for my SIL AND a strain on the family because my single-mom MIL still talks (complains) about it, and DH, in hindsight, realized he was left alone a lot while MIL/SIL were at games/traveling accordingly.
I grew up and live in one of the major cities, so by middle school, people who played for sports teams had already been playing those sports since elementary; I understand there used to be more flexibility in smaller towns, at least in the 90’s. DH would mention friends that played 3 sports and just “started” in high school – that was not really possible where I grew up.
Looking back, I had no idea people started sports outside of school – I do remember a lot of my scout troop going to softball practice (and many of them played through HS) in early elementary, but we had 0 idea this was to do an activity that could maybe stay with one through HS. My sibling and were scouts through late middle school/early high school. I also did various activities in school – band, choir, newspaper. My sibling did some Y-level sports in elementary and middle, and then was really into debate in HS (which takes a LOT of time and late weekend nights). But most of our stuff was school-based, so we’d stay after school and need rides accordingly/take the late bus. I know even getting us both to various scouting things, getting me and then the family to my choir concerts, etc. was not easy for my Mom. My Dad literally never attended anything, because all of this was considered “woman’s domain” in our country of origin.
Of course, as we all grew up, my sibling and I were angry at him, he had regrets, but now as a 40 year old and a parent, I know they 100% did the best they could, and I am SO GRATEFUL to them (and my Mom) for that. We are currently a low to no activity family (caveat kids are 6 and 3). I sign kids up for what is available at school/aftercare if they are interested. Swim lessons for 6 yo are at the Y on weekends, which is typically part of our routine anyway so it’s not an extra trip.
We are going to add scouting for 6 year old next school year, since he is also interested. I think there will be a natural pick-up of things as they get older, and I’m happy to support accordingly within reason (especially if things are school-based), but it is very important to me that we are not overscheduled/running around too much. Obviously, I may eat my words but this is my hope.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I just posted below but same on the immigrant parents experience!! Just not their priority or ability. I think I’m coming out of this opposite of you – I want my kids to get to do all the things and will give up my “free time” for them. I think that is one of the benefits my parents have given me – the ability to have the time and money to focus on the kids. I don’t expect them to be famous athletes or actors or anything, but I want them to be well rounded.
Anon says
YAY! I think at the end of the day, I was supported (thanks to my Mom), and able to do some pretty cool things – I even had private voice lessons in HS. The thing is, these were grad students from one of the local universities who would come to our school and offer the sessions vs. going somewhere super specialized.
I think, at the end of the day, as my kids older it’s also about what’s best for them/the family unit. Like you astutely have posted before – I can’t predict if in 2nd grade, my kid will love and thrive in a travel sport, but I’m open to trying if we can make it work schedule-wise and maintain quality of life at home. I have friends IRL who have their Ker to an activity every weeknight and I just…can’t manage that right now, nor would my Ker benefit from that in this season.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Your last point is spot on. I’m surrounded by hockey families who’ve been in it since K and it’s one thing when your kid is super passionate and wants to go to all the practices but I hear from some where the kid is over it, wants the season to end and hates the summer practice… so like why do it?! (Sunk cost fallacy and all that I imagine). Activities every night in K would have been/would be a disaster for both of my kids.
Spirograph says
My husband’s parents were immigrants and small business owners and the difference in activities in our childhoods is remarkable. I dabbled in all the activities, and he was helping out at his parents’ shop. Like you — because of what he feels like he missed, he’s very committed to supporting our kids as far as they want to go with their interests, even to the point that I feel like he and I are overscheduled. (The kids aren’t individually overscheduled… there’s just three of them so it adds up on the parents!)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Unlike probably most people here, I wish that I had been able to do more serious activities at a higher level at a younger age. I had (and still have) the kind of personality that would have thrived with structure and a level of consistent dedication. Like I wish I had more serious figure skating or ballet lessons instead of the rec level classes I had. But, my parents were immigrants so money was tight and their focus was on academics not activities. I also think I could have benefitted from team sports to feel a sense of belonging with my teammates when I was constantly moving around.
So… I’m trying to make some of that up with my kids! Like having my older kid join various team sports throughout the year to see what sticks, and even trying travel sports. Younger kid doesn’t seem as interested in team sports, but I can see going all in on more individual athletics or musical theatre/instruments. We have the money and the time to commit to their interests at this stage in our lives. I think you have to know your kid’s personality and see where they can thrive. But I don’t think focusing on just academics or keeping weekends totally free is right (for me anyway) either.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Oh and for background, my mom was pushed to do a few activities at a serious level that she wasn’t that into, hence the more laissez faire approach with me… I guess we’re all trying to make up for our pasts somehow!
Anonymous says
I am the same way. My parents made me quit everything after a year or two of rec classes and I always wanted the chance to really dedicate myself. My parents thought that we would be spoiled if we got to do what we wanted.
Anonymous says
I love this question. I think my parents managed things really well. I have one sibling.
– They let us drive with our interests.
– They essentially limited each of us to one “all in” activity so we still had time for relaxing and other things.
– They did a really good job of fostering trying new things. Like, I was often playing horse (basketball game) with my family, and they were like “what if you tried to learn basketball?” And they helped me find an inexpensive rec league and I started playing rec basketball 1x a week my junior year. I was terrible, but it was fun! And something new.
– They were supportive of doing things because we enjoy them vs. trying to accomplish something. Like I took tap class once a week until I graduated high school. I was not good, I did not complete, there was 1 recital a year, but I thought it was fun and they felt that had value.
– One thing that comes up a lot is attending the other siblings games. My brother played travel baseball so there was some of that for me, but I actually liked it. Sometimes, there was a snack stand parents had to staff and the parents on his team would pay older siblings (like me) to work snack stand duty. Sometimes I would bring a friend. Sometimes I would run around with the other siblings. I think I was possibly lucky in the dynamic of the parents on his baseball team (we still see those families 20 years later) but I think there are ways to make that more like ‘fun family time’ and less like “you have to sit still and watch your sibling be amazing at this sport.”
Anon says
Thank you for this comment — I have a travel baseball player who has an older sister and a younger sister, and I’ve been reading/watching these comments with interest, especially after seeing a lot of negative comments about kids being dragged to baseball games. We have always, always, always given other siblings the option of attending or not – and like 99% of the time, they pick attending. Actually, after yesterday’s comments, I told them we were staying home from last night’s game — and they all got really upset, so we ended up at the game for like an hour. They hardly ever sit and watch the games, as there is usually a playground near the field with a snack shack, and they have a pack of kids who run around and play in the dirt and eat junk. The kids will occasionally show up at the field and cheer for the team, but there’s no expectation that they sit and watch. It possibly helps that my oldest daughter has a sport that plays on a different day, and we all go to an equivalent number of her games. The youngest is only 4, so doesn’t have an activity yet, but has been adopted as the “team mascot,” so when she appears, she usually runs behind the dug-out and high fives all the big kids. Everyone seems really happy, but I’ll keep my eye on it.
Anon says
Well: I was always encouraged to do something and allowed to try new things. I was supposed to commit to a full season/semester/year, but there were a few times when I really hated things (gymnastics – teacher was horrible and my natural abilities were nonexistent) where I was allowed to quit mid-session. I had plenty of stimulation and never felt over-scheduled. I got really into horseback riding and both my parents decided to learn it as adults so we could do it together. They both spent a lot of time and energy driving me to the barn and waking up early on weekend so I could go to shows. It helped that I was an only child so there weren’t any sibling to accommodate.
Poorly: honestly nothing related to activities comes to mind. I was once denied the opportunity to go to a fancy show jumping clinic because I had an important exam that week, but that was probably a sound decision in hindsight (I was really mad at the time). Mostly I wish that my parents had passed on a healthier relationship with food and weight.
Spirograph says
I appreciate that my parents supported my activities both financially and logistically, and I think they were pretty balanced about letting all of us pursue things as far as we wanted to. I have no complaints! Once my mom went back to work we had a one-activity-per-kid during the school year rule, but it only applied to activities that my mom had to drive us to. We could do unlimited extracurriculars as long they involved only a late pickup from school.
I’m one of three, and none of us was interested in competitive sports, which might have made things very different. My mom was a SAHM until I was in high school and was the primary shuttle driver and came to basically every performance of any sort. My dad worked a lot, but I think he went to most of my piano recitals and some of our baseball/softball games. All of us did rec sports, summer swim team, and ice skating lessons in elementary school. I tried ballet-tap-and-jazz at some point, but dance didn’t stick. I flirted with track & field in middle school, but mostly for the social aspect. I was Serious about music and took piano lessons K-high school in addition to my band and orchestra instruments that I picked up at school. My mom did push me to stick with piano in about 3rd grade when I was getting tired of it, and I’m glad she did, because (for me, at least) the real fun of playing an instrument really unlocks when you reach a certain skill level that I was just shy of. Otherwise, my mom generally encouraged us to try out things we were interested in, so once were were in school we did All The Extracurriculars: marching band, clubs, school plays, quiz bowl etc. My sister was into horseback riding and spent a ton of time at the barn with her horse, but I don’t remember it impacting me.
The one critique that I think my siblings would have is that my dad said out loud in front of all of us multiple times that I was the one with musical talent, while they both just work hard. Comparison is never great, and I’m sure they were both hurt by that. My brother and sister were both very competent musicians — my brother even double-majored in music in college! — but they *were* allowed to quit piano and ultimately played only band instruments, and the solo repertoire is just not there like it is for piano or violin, so it doesn’t sound as cool to a layman. And my dad knows basically nothing about music other than how to put a record on the turntable.
Vicky Austin says
There’s so much that’s already been said here, so I’ll distill my experience to the two most important points:
Did well: My parents let me suck. I ran cross-country and track and was appallingly slow and never really improved. I still don’t know why. I put in the time. Maybe not the appropriate amount of effort, but I also resisted it taking over my life the way I saw it doing for peers, and I don’t regret that. They let me walk that line myself, and I think it was extremely important for me (generally a high-achiever) to have experience just not being good at things, as well as gauging my own comfort with the balance of effort and reward, and managing trade-offs in my life with my limited time and energy. I put a lot of work into other things, like school choir and band and learning languages and editing the student paper, all of which was valuable, and I’m grateful they didn’t make a big stink about how bad I was at sports to the exclusion of all the other things.
Not so good: My youngest sister is a college athlete. I was in late high school when it became apparent this was possible for her, so I escaped the family life shifting to revolve around it for the most part. (My middle sister has a different view on this, obviously.) But I still think they put way too much of their own time, energy and money into getting her onto the college team and then facilitating her participation to an embarrassing degree for a college student. (They would drive 2 hours to her dorm to pick her up and take her to meets.) And I don’t think it was rewarding for her. She’s got no lasting college friendships because she had no time to put into them; her years on the team were filled with drama that my parents were way too involved in (and still cannot shut up about); she’s got no adulting skills because she didn’t have to figure anything out for herself. I think if there hadn’t been such a high-stakes prize to chase, my parents would have butted out of her life long ago, but even with the possibility of college athletics, I would have wished for them to be more measured and less personally involved. This isn’t a representative experience, but it is a cautionary tale, and something I plan to be mindful of.
Anon says
Ha, solidarity from someone who was also appallingly slow at track. We had A team (Varsity), B team (JV) and then a bunch of further teams for people who didn’t qualify for those, and I think I was on the J or K team all four years. People would visibly do a double-take when they heard the letter. It’s hilarious to me in retrospect but not so much at the time.
Anonymous says
Your parents’ involvement in college sports is really interesting to me. My good friend in college was on a major D1 track team and my husband played D3 tennis. Neither set of parents was involved beyond taking them on campus visits in high school, and I don’t think either set ever came to meets or matches. When our friend group would go to track meets we did not notice any parents there. Teams traveled together, so the idea of parents transporting an athlete to meets would be a non-starter. I have seen more parents at college sports events in the past decade or so, but I can’t imagine that being so involved is the norm or would be healthy for the athlete.
GCA says
Context: I grew up outside the US in a culture where educational achievement is very, very prized and sports achievement isn’t as highly valued as it is here. The focus with sports is on mass participation and life skills. And because it’s a small country, travel sports aren’t really a thing.
Anyway, my parents supported us in whatever we wanted to do, within their means…until we got too ‘serious’. They pulled me out of ballet (which I loved!) in fourth grade when we moved – they ‘couldn’t find’ a new studio, but I suspect really because practice goes from once or twice a week to four times a week for serious dancers at that age and the logistics just wouldn’t have worked for a two-working-parent family. I spent the rest of elementary and middle school bouncing around from one activity to another (tennis, through school; table-tennis, through school; math club, etc) but never got deep enough into any one sport or activity to get great at it. My sister was lucky in that she found her preferred activity (track and x-country) through school and there was a school team, which did away with all the logistics concerns and didn’t come with high fees.
I wish someone had told me that wanting to achieve and perform at a high level is ok. I found a lot of other ways to dance as a teenager and in college, but I wish I’d been able to keep doing the activity I really loved and in which I enjoyed pushing myself. And now I am an adult-onset runner, where I can do an activity I love and sometimes push myself when I want.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same same, as posted above! I’ve also gotten into running, skiing and back to figure skating (for fun mostly) as an adult, so I think I just have that personality to push myself. Maybe we could do some adult ballet?!
Anonymous says
I didn’t get to do figure skating, skiing, or ballet as a kid so I took them all up as soon as I graduated from college. I even competed on an adult synchronized skating team and passed some figure skating tests with an eye towards competing freestyle. A couple years later I got married to someone with different financial and time priorities so that was the end of that. I am hoping that after the kids are in college I can find a way to pick up some of those activities again.
Emma says
BLE, I quit ballet at 12 (puberty hit and I hated myself in the mirror) and took it back up at 25! I won’t be joining the NY ballet anytime soon, but it’s done wonders for my posture and flexibility, and it’s a huge mood booster. If you can find a good studio I highly recommend adult ballet.
Anon says
I love adult ballet! I did only minimal ballet as a kid, but have enjoyed it so much as an adult.
AwayEmily says
Late to this but I found this discussion totally fascinating. I didn’t do any activities until high school! Once I hit 9th grade I started playing field hockey (for the first time!). It was fun, I was terrible at it. I also got involved with stage crew. My parents had nothing to do with either; tho they were perfectly supportive. My husband didn’t do any activities until either.
We are basically doing the same thing with our kids (currently 2, 6, and 8). The 8yo plays rec soccer, which just means 1 game on Saturday mornings in the spring. Otherwise, zero activities. I feel ok about this. I like our extremely chill life. I guess if one of my kids really wanted to do something I would let them, but we live in an area where nobody in elementary or middle school really does intense activities (including sports) so it would be outside the norm.
Boston Legal Eagle says
AwayEmily, you remind me so much of my husband (which is a huge compliment!) He was and still is not into any intense sports, though he did start cross country in hs and continued through college, so it’s not that he wasn’t active or an athlete – just more laid back. I think he wants more of that for our kids, but unfortunately for him, our area is not like yours and everyone seems to be doing either hockey, soccer, baseball or a combination of all the things, early on. And I am… more intense about it :)
GCA says
Ha, my husband is similarly laid back. He was in all the sports (more as a taster for the experience, nothing intense) as a kid, rowed crew seriously in HS, and then decided to pursue stuff for fun (climbing, hiking, running) and his philosophy is very much ‘let kids engage in free play and do the things THEY want’.
Anon says
DH and my kids gave me the Lego orchid for Mother’s Day last year and i love having it in my home office
avocado says
I have the orchid and the bonsai tree in my home office. I love the bonsai tree the most. It has cherry blossoms and green leaves that you can switch out seasonally.
anon says
Mine gave me the daffodils because they are my favorite. We also have the bonsai and succulent set.
New Here says
I got a bouquet set for Christmas and enjoyed putting it together while we were stuck at home in Jan for weather. My 4-year old liked watching me do it and finding the pieces. I have it in a vase on my mantle.
Daffodils are my fave spring flower, so I bought that set and plan on doing it and taking it to work for my cube.
DCSMC says
I have car seat questions and could use some advice.
When did you tr@nsition from an infant car seat to a convertible or 3-in-1? I was thinking about using the target sale this week to get a new car seat for my 7 month old. Are the ones that rotate towards you for getting in and out worth it? I was looking at the Graco turn2me 3-in-1 and the Evenflo Revolve 360 extend. How do I figure out if it will fit my car? I have a honda civic, so not a lot of room in the backseat.
Also, we will be taking an international trip this fall when my daughter is a little over a year. Any recommendations for a travel car seat?
Anon says
We transitioned to a convertible shortly before a year for all our kids, but you can do it any time (some people never use an infant seat). You have to transition before kids hit the seat limits, which are usually around 30” OR 30lbs, whichever comes first.
The FB group Car Seats for the Littles is very helpful with specific fit and model questions. Some of the members are a little intense, but the admins and CPSTs are solid and practical.
For travel, a lot of people like the Cosco Scenera because it’s so lightweight. It can be hard to get it tight enough when installing though – pull hard!
Anon says
We did the switch when my daughter was about 14 months but she also is very small for her age. Definitely move when you’re hitting the size limits in the infant seat.
We did a ton of research and chose a convertible car seat based off a bunch of our criteria (mainly safety based about duration rear facing, whether that was limited by torso or leg length, head protection, width), only for it to cause massive motion sickness which we had never seen before. It started maybe the third or fourth time she used the seat and happened more than half the time she was in it. The common advice including from her pediatrician was to just turn the convertible seat forward facing but we decided to buy and try another convertible car seat rear facing first before flipping her, and that solved the problem completely. All that to say… even the best research may not end up being what you need to optimize around so just be ready to go with the flow if your needs are different than you expect! And maybe put a premium on fully removable and washable seat covers ha!
TheElms says
When to transition from an infant seat to a convertible is just a matter of preference while kid is inside the limits for the infant seat. For a higher percentile kid I’ve seen many transition around the 7-9 month mark because the kid starts to seem squished even though they technically fit in the infant carrier or the kid plus infant carrier is too heavy so it just starts to live in the car all the time. That said if you have a lower percentile kid and you kid is happy in the infant carrier you might be able to comfortably stay in it until 15 months. My older kiddo was very tall for her age and grew out of her infant carrier around 10 months so we transitioned. My younger one stayed in until around a year.
For small cars the most compact (front to back measurement so you don’t completely lose the use of your front seat) convertible seats are the Graco Extend2fit and the Nuna Rava and after that maybe the Britax Boulevard. We have smaller cars so I did a lot of research and I own one of each of those carseats. Personally the Britax is the easiest to install but the Graco Extend2fit 3 in 1 is the most compact and easier to buckle for me. I think its unlikely a revolving seat will fit without you losing the ability to put an adult in the passenger seat. If you get the Graco Extend2fit make sure to get the 3 in 1 variation because the regular one has a weird rule that if you turn your kid forward facing before 40lbs you need to put it on a deep recline setting which makes it take up a lot of room forward facing. The 3 in 1 version doesn’t have that rule.
For a travel seat we have the Cosco Scenera and it is light weight and works just fine.
Anon says
We just got the Britax Poplar and we love it. It’s narrow, compact, and super easy to use and install.
anon says
For travel, the Cosco Scenera is great because it’s lightweight, but if your kid still fits in the infant seat when you’re traveling and you have a stroller it goes with, that might be more convenient.
Anon says
Cosco Scenera Next for the travel.
GCA says
Went from infant seat to a convertible just before age 1. Main consideration for getting a convertible was fitting the seats in the back of a small Prius. We got the Graco Size4Me 65, but this was years ago so my car seat knowledge is not current! For travel, Cosco Scenera.
anon says
We also used a Scenera for traveling. This was a LONG time ago, but we couldn’t use it on the plane because DS could feel the buckle through this carseat. Just FYI to check in case you plan to do that.
Anon says
Same. It’s worse for forward facing in the plane bc the buckle is right under their back. Also our kids outgrew the car seat around age 2 and they are average height.
Anonymous says
We switched around 8 months. I never really used the baby bucket as a carrier because it was so unwieldy and kept bruising my legs. For buckling in and out in the car I found the convertible seat easier.
Vicky Austin says
We just switched! Kiddo just turned 1. We have the Safety 1st Jive; it’s pretty slim and easy to get kiddo into.
My BFF says the turn2me ones are the best thing she’s ever bought, but I have no personal experience.
Anonymous says
We did around 8 or 9 months because my kids were very tall, but maybe did earlier with my second because we never took the car seat out of the car anyway. I never understood how people carried babies around in the car seats.
Anonymous says
Me either! We only used it in the stroller and in the car. The rest of the time I carried her around on my hip or wore her. Even with a 3rd percentile baby the carrier was just so heavy and cumbersome.
TheElms says
I wrote a longer comment that has disappeared. For a compact car I’d recommend the Extend2fit 3-in1, Nuna Rava or possibly the Britax Boulevard. Those are all the most compact front to back. If you get the Extend2fit you want the 3in1 version because of a rule about forward facing before 40 lbs that affects how much space the seat takes up forward facing.
Anon says
Adding the Britax Poplar to the list! It’s like the Boulevard but narrower, the straps seem to adjust more easily, and also allows for extended rear facing. The more expensive model has an optional anti-rebound bar. I just got two and I love them. They’re so easy to install.
Anon says
Does anyone have a kid with dyslexia or experience going through testing for dyslexia? I’m wondering whether to pursue testing for my 6 year old who is finishing kindergarten next month. She seems bright and is working above grade level in math but has made almost no progress on reading this year and is starting to fall behind her peers, many of whom are starting to “get it.” I know reversing letters and numbers is still normal at this age, but she seems to do it way more than most kids her age (she almost got kicked out of the advanced math group until her teacher realized that her writing “21 – 3 = 9” was a reading mistake, not a math mistake). Another red flag is that dyslexia is highly hereditary and while my husband was never formally diagnosed we’re pretty sure he has some sort of learning disability. He has a very high IQ, but has always struggled with reading and spelling, to the point that English teachers skipped over him for reading aloud in class even if they were giving him As based on his literary analysis. I know early intervention can help a lot, so I want to make sure we don’t wait too long thinking it will click for her at some point.
Anon says
We had my first grade son evaluated for other issues and asked dyslexia be included because his grandfather has it (and my son looks and acts like a mini version of him). He reverses a lot of numbers and letters still, though is a decent reader. His score came back very high for NOT having dyslexia, and his IQ came back just shy of gifted, because his Processing Speed score (one of five components of IQ) is average — which for his brain is weak. The processing seems to be impacting his a variety of things including his writing, which masks his abilities because most assessments are written in school. All that to say, it could be a lot of things besides dyslexia, too…or it could be the fact that K is still really early for reading!
Anon says
I’d absolutely request testing in writing through the school so the results are available before 1st grade. I’d also set up a tutor and plan to have her meet with the tutor 2x a week all summer.
My kids are a bit older but I feel like I saw many parents panic around 2nd or 3rd grade when schools finally sounded the alarm about reading issues, only to have it be an “emergency” because reading issues were stopping them from accessing other parts of the curriculum (e.g., science and social studies). It was also doubly hard because embarrassment started to take hold so kids would resist extra help, working with peers, checking out appropriate library books, etc. Kids seem to do better if supports are provided earlier and ramped up or down based on progress.
Anon says
Yeah, the self-confidence point is another reason I want to jump on this early. We’re in a high achieving district and her teacher has made the point that being “behind” in her class doesn’t mean she’s objectively behind, and her scores on national standardized tests have been great. But she’s definitely noticing that many of her classmates can read easily, and is starting to make comments about being stupid and it’s really hard to see. :(
Anon says
When did she turn 6?
Anon says
January, so she’s pretty much right in the middle age-wise for her grade.
GCA says
Not reading by the end of K is not by itself cause for alarm (and there are a lot of other reasons why kids might not be reading in early elementary, notably outdated reading instruction), *but* I’d worry a bit about the lack of progress if she is making lots of progress in other areas. What does her teacher say? I would request testing. I have a friend whose kid was almost exactly like this; everyone around her told her ‘don’t worry, reading will click soon’ but the kid did in fact need intervention and made tremendous progress after getting it.
Anon says
Thanks! Our district uses the current methods of reading instruction, I’m not concerned about that. The teacher is very supportive, and clearly really enjoys having my kid in class, which is a good feeling. She said, as you noted, that it’s normal to not be reading at this age, and she pointed out that our district is very high-achieving so we shouldn’t necessarily worry just because she’s behind peers. But she agrees with me that progress has been slower than you’d expect given that my daughter seems bright, is enthusiastic about school and participates well in class, and especially with the family history she understands why we want to move forward with testing.
Anonymous says
We’re in a similar place. DS is in pre-K and his teachers flagged that he’s behind his peers in reading and writing (obviously the expectations are low at this stage, but I can see the difference, too). DH had dyslexia, so we were already on alert. A learning specialist now sees him once a week at school. To supplement at home, I bought some Star Wars themed workbooks to help him practice letters and numbers. My main advice would be to a) test and get extra support ASAP, and b) find ways to supplement at home that feel like fun instead of work. In our case DS loves his workbooks and was so proud of finishing the first one that he brought it to school to show his teachers. He’s never seen any Star Wars movies so he’s desperate to get his hands on any intel, even if it’s from a workbook haha.
Anonymous says
Trust your gut. All 3 of my kids were reading by the end of K, and while there are plenty of kids that don’t, if you have an otherwise very bright kid in a strong school district, it’s worth doing some digging. In our district parents that push get testing in 1st; parents that wait and eventually the school tests in 2nd or 3rd and by then the kid’s self esteem is shot. My little neighbor is in 1st and already thinks she’s stupid because she can’t read. My kid is in K and has surpassed her and when she realized this she broke down at a playdate :(. It was as simple as her seeing my kid’s books and asking if she could read them, and when she said yes, neighbor started to cry. It broke my heart!
Anon says
Yeah, we’ve had some moments like that already. My daughter burst into tears at a Girl Scout troop meeting when she realized she was the only one in the troop who couldn’t read. The troop is more than half first graders and the other kindergartners are very smart kids with parents who’ve made more of an effort to teach reading at home than I have, so to me it’s not a big deal but… yeah. It sucks. :(
Anonymous says
You should probably have her tested and you should also listen to Sold a Story. Signed, mom of a kindergartener who couldn’t read, who ended up teaching him to read myself in first grade (after teacher suggested he may be dyslexic).