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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Nanny says
I have a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old. I work 4 days a week. My mom watches them one day and we have nanny A for the other day. Nanny A has been with us since January. She’s nice and responsible. The kids seem to like her and so far it’s been fine. My feeling has been though that though she is nice, I’m not sure she really loves being a nanny. She has a business degree, had an entry level job that she didn’t like, and then started nannying. She’s very quiet and I’ve found it hard to get to know her and get a sense of what she and the kids do all day. I will give them activities/outings to do and it seems okay but I’ve just never been thrilled. For example when she comes I’ll give her the baby while I’m finishing getting ready and she will sit with her while she plays but not really interact with her. I also feel like she lets my 3 yo boss her around.
Nanny B watched our daughter for a summer a few days a week two years ago. She has a teaching degree and has been looking for a job in the public schools with no luck. She had babysat this summer a bunch and told us that she quit her job at a private school and is going to try to substitute teach, nanny, and do free lance writing and would like to work for us.
I’m torn – on the one hand Nanny A is working out fine. I feel bad letting her go and she is a nice person. And she has expressed an interest in working with us long term which is what we want.
I just feel like I’d be more excited to leave my kids with Nanny B every day but I’m worried if we go with Nanny B she might ultimately get a teaching job and then we’d be stuck. What else would you consider?
Sasha says
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Stick with Nanny A.
Anon says
I would switch, but knowing that I have really great childcare makes a big difference to my working mom happiness (we switched from a mediocre nanny to a fantastic daycare and I went from thinking every day about quitting my job to be a SAHM to happily leaning in and working more hours).
rosie says
Are you talking about 1 day/week or would you be increasing the nanny’s time with the kids? Assuming you are not upping the hours, staying with Nanny A definitely makes sense to me. I would tell Nanny B that you are staying with your current set up for now but will keep her in mind if things change.
anon says
Keep Nanny A for daytime–reliable and responsible are HUGE for your every-day care. Use Nanny B as a back-up, for babysitting, when your mom can’t do her normal day, whatever.
NYCer says
+1. I would stick with Nanny A, and use Nanny B as your back-up.
IHeartBacon says
I started to write that you should switch to Nanny B, but I changed my mind. Since Nanny B wants to teach, you will lose her once she finds a teaching job, and then you will be in a bad bind like you said. So I would stick with Nanny A. I didn’t get the sense from your post that you worry about your kids being with her; rather, you just wish she was more excited/committed/engaged/[insert appropriate word here]. There is a lot to be said about an employee who has a lot of enthusiasm for her work; but more can be said about the employee who actually shows up.
anon says
This says it way better than I was able to. (I’m anon at 11:04.)
Anonymous says
I had this issue with my summer sitter- maybe you were the one commiserating? I replaced her and am really happy I did. My kids no longer whine when they have a sitter. In fact, they beg her to stay. The other sitter just…watched them. This sitter plays with them. My 6 year old *bit* my 3 year old TWICE with original sitter, never having done it before in her life. She’s not done it since.
I don’t have the added concern over my other option getting a new job- but perhaps look for Nanny C?
Irish Midori says
Am I the only one who can’t wear mules without “flop flop flop” whenever I walk? These are pretty, but I have to have a strap or something at least on the heel.
mascot says
After one too many times of the mule slipping off my feet and my heel landing on the hard part of the shoe (ouch), I’ve sworn them off.
Ashley says
I have yet to try mules for this reason.
anon says
Same. I tried this style back in, oh, 2004? I learned that I cannot walk in mules, sadly.
Anon says
Me neither. And the toe-curling required to keep them on my feet does causes a fair amount of pain by the end of the day.
anne-on says
Yup. This style was super popular in 2003-2005 or so? I had a kitten heeled pair that I rolled my ankle in repeatedly. Even when I wasn’t falling out of them I could walk without loudly clip-clopping all the time.
GCA says
My motto is ‘life is too short to wear uncomfortable shoes’! Even if they are super cute, if I can’t stand in them for the normal duration of a presentation, interview etc or walk at my usual brisk clip, they don’t spark joy…
Anon says
+10000
Anon says
I’ve in general been confused throughout the mule trends about *when* I would wear mules? If it’s a summer weekend or night out I’m wearing some sort of sandal, if it’s any sort of cold out they seem like they would be too cold & you can’t do socks. In my semi-conservative office I feel like it’s more foot hanging out than I feel comfortable with (and still with the too cold for Winter problem?)…I guess a few select weekends and evenings in the Spring/Fall?
Anonymous says
I know someone who directs a nonprofit and rocks them a work. It might just be a know your office thing.
anon says
My two year old have been waking up around 4am most days this week. He screams for one of us, and sometimes DH can get him to calm down and go back to sleep by rubbing his back, sometimes he asks for milk and we give it to him and that gets him to calm down, sometimes he wants to be held. I know that he has molars coming and those might be bothering him, so I have been giving him ibuprofen before bed, but that does not stop the 4am screaming. DH thinks we need to just let him cry it out, I am not sure it is going to work, but I am willing to try it after the molars come in.
Lana Del Raygun says
I think waking up and not going back to sleep on his own are slightly different issues, and if you can solve the first you don’t have to worry about the second. Is there anything else that might be waking him up — too hot? too cold? hungry? train whistle? dog barking?
Annie says
Have you tried a spoonful of peanut or almond butter before bed (right before teeth brushing of course)? I got that rec from this board and it’s worked extremely well so far. He may be asking for milk b/c he’s hungry and the spoonful of protein would tide him over.
Buddy Holly says
+1. Really, almost any high fat food will do. A spoonful of coconut oil or or the like would work too.
Anon says
My 2 year old has gone back to once a night waking (and sobbing) for the last few months (she’s also working on all 4 molars – one of them is so, so, so close). Getting her back to sleep was a multi-hour process for us when this first started, so in the interests of the most sleep for the most number of people, we moved to pulling her back in with us whenever she wakes up in the middle of the night (typically between 2am and 6am, although not consistent). Once those molars finally come through, we’re going to try the softer sleep training again which had worked at around 15 months – CIO doesn’t work for my kiddo because she can scream for hours without letting up (oh to have one tenth of her energy and stubbornness) and is a barnacle with significant separation anxiety.
SC says
In my experience, CIO or any other methods of sleep training don’t work if my kid thinks there is something wrong (hungry, in pain, sick, scared, etc.). So, if he wakes up in the middle of the night, we address the underlying issue, then when he’s calm, tell him it’s not wake-up time yet and let him go back to sleep in his own room. So, I would try the spoonful of peanut butter before bed and hope that tides him over. Also, any ibuprofen has worn off by 4 am, so if he wakes up and seems to be in pain, I’d give him another dose (or tylenol, if you prefer to alternate) and any items that comfort him while he’s there. If he’s having nightmares, comfort him until he’s calm. Once you’ve addressed the issue, you can tell him it’s time to go back to sleep and try CIO if you have to.
ElisaR says
i bet it stops after the molars come in. My son went through this sort of phase too. It only lasted 3 weeks or so but man it sucked! I give you my commiseration! But just suffer through, he will be done with this phase soon. (CIO sounds unproductive in this case).
Buddy Holly says
Try MagCalm for kids. I think Kat posted awhile back for using it to help herself with insomnia and anxiety, but they also make a kids version. It seems to help my kid sleep in later. Just by 15 – 30 minutes, but still worth it.
Ashley says
For the past few nights my 20-month old toddler has fought bedtime for 2ish hours. He was in a groove of sleeping really well, like 11 hours per night straight. We’ve never done formal sleep training because every time I worked up the nerve, a switch would flip and he’d sleep well for a month or two. The past few nights, the meltdown starts the minute the light goes off. He’s cutting canine teeth, and I’ve been giving motrin about an hour before bed to try and knock the edge off before it’s time for sleep. These meltdowns are a couple of hours of screaming/crying at the top of his lungs, and NOTHING can console him. No amount of singing, rocking, water, etc. or any of my other tried-and-true methods of soothing him will work. Basically we end up battling it out until he falls asleep from pure exhaustion. HELP! Any ideas what this could be? He has ear tubes so I don’t think it’s an ear infection causing this, but perhaps the tubes have come out without me noticing? Maybe he’s developed a fear of the dark? Is it silly to take him to the pediatrician to get checked out? Would love to hear any thoughts. I’m at the end of my rope.
anon says
maybe take him to the pediatrician to get checked out so you can have piece of mind when you do sleep training? could you also try a night light?
Ashley says
Night light is on my list of things to try tonight. Thanks!
ElisaR says
we have a sound machine that has a slow moving picture projected on the ceiling (kind of in place of a nightlight) – my son zonks out to it. He went through a phase you are describing around 19 months.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Awww hugs. If it’s only been a few nights, and he’s a general good sleeper…maybe it’s just…a rough few nights? I would think about CIO if it goes on for a week or so.
Hang in there. FWIW, based on my n of 1, I did CIO for DS when he was 5-6 months (he’s now 20 months, too!) and have never looked back.
Ashley says
Thanks! I’m not against sleep training… even bought a couple of courses (e.g., TakingCaraBabies because I liked her instagram feed). But right after the purchase, he’d go down easily and sleep for 11 hours. So I’ve never really implemented it. Hopefully this is just a blip!
rosie says
I think that age is about when my daughter started wanting a light on at night and for naps, so might be worth trying.
Also, do you have a bedtime routine that you do (change diaper, PJs, book, song, etc.)? We established one as part of sleep training (per the book Sleepeasy Solution, highly recommend), and we alter it a bit as she gets older, but I think that has helped us stay consistent and make sure everyone knows what to expect.
Ashley says
Yes! We have been doing approx. the same routine at bedtime for over a year (changed up a bit as we gave up bottles, etc.). I’ve also been trying to verbally narrate the routine… “Ok, we’re going to read this one book then turn the light off then we’ll sing our bedtime songs… now the book is finished, time to turn the light off… etc.”
Pogo says
Do you go back in repeatedly? I think that is harder than just letting them CIO, especially because it sounds like nothing helps.
When my 2yo developed an intense fear (apparently – that’s the only way I can describe the clinging and screaming) of baths around this age, we got him a little doll that could go in the bath. Bath time became about making sure *baby* got clean, and *baby* wasn’t afraid, etc. She came with a little paci and blanket, so we naturally incorporated her into bedtime. Now we tuck baby in and make sure she gets her paci. It really helps.
Anon says
What time is he waking up? When are his naps/how much?
I know a lot of people here say sleep begets sleep, and kids who fight bedtime are overtired, but for us, our daughter fighting bedtime this hard has *always* been a sign that she’s not tired enough, whether it’s because she needed to drop a nap or she needed to wake up earlier for an earlier bedtime. When she is very tired, she will pass out easily.
My toddler was doing this exact thing when she was about 15-16 months. We thought it was teething, ear infection (took her to the ped but she was fine), and learning to walk (she was a late walker). But ultimately we realized we were letting her sleep in too late and thus putting her down too early. Due to one random late night (caused by teething or whatever) her schedule had shifted from 8 pm-8 am to 10 pm to 10 am. We were trying to put her down at 8 pm and she was FURIOUS and would yell for hours. This is probably obvious to others, but it finally occurred to use to wake her up early to see if we could reset her, so to speak. One day of an 8 am wakeup and she was back to 8 pm bedtime. It turns out at this age she needs to have a 12 hour “day” and can’t go down until almost 12 hours after she’s woken up for the day. It’s also natural for the day to extend as they get older, so if he previously had a 13 hour day, he may now want a 13.5-14 hour day. I would try putting him down a little later and or getting him up earlier and see if that helps.
Ashley says
We typically do bedtime (asleep by) 8 pm and he awake around 7am, but wakeup time has varied from 6-8am during this phase. Taking 1 nap per day at daycare. Teachers say nap time is at 12:30 and he “sleeps well,” but I don’t get specific info to know what time he goes down or exactly how long he sleeps. I asked daycare teacher today to please note times so I can reassess bedtime if needed.
I have also always heard “sleep begets sleep” but results in our house are a mixed bag.
Anon says
If he’s sleeping a solid 1.5-2 hours at daycare, he may just be ready for a shorter night at this point. 14 hours of sleep is on the high end for a child his age, and that would only be a 10 hour night if he’s napping for 2 hours at daycare.
Anon says
Oops I can’t do math, sorry. I still think it’s possible he only needs a 10-10.5 hour night if he’s sleeping 2+ hours at daycare. The recommended total sleep range for his age is 11-14 hours, and long naps can really cut down on the length of a toddler’s night in my experience.
Ashley says
I so appreciate your help!! Hopefully I will find out more about daycare sleep today and adjust accordingly tonight.
RR says
I did sleep training around the same time (we’d done it younger). It got to the point that nothing helped, so I figured it was worth a try because it had worked before. We left. He cried (for over an hour–it was absolutely horrible, and I hated every second of it). Then he went to sleep. He woke up the next day looking refreshed, and that was the end of the issue. Obviously, no guarantees it would be fixed in a night, but if you have ruled out everything else, it’s a good option.
Mom getting 12 hours sleep says
So my kid has started sleeping 6:30-6. This is basically amazing. However it only works if I’m at home and husband isn’t there. He comes home from daycare, has dinner, bath, bed and wakes up super pumped at 6 AM.
If husband is around kid stays up until 9-10 (husband pumps up the energy) and kidlet wakes up super cranky and wants more sleep at 8.
Now, I like scenario 1 better and kidlet needs the sleep since he isn’t napping at daycare anymore.
Is there a polite way to tell DH to kindly go away until 6:30 PM every day?
Anonymous says
No, but since he’s an adult you’ve chosen to spend your life with, surely you can discuss the bedtime routine and that you aren’t into a cranky morning so he’s going to need to take over in the mornings more.
He’s the kid’s father, and your proposal is “it’s more convenient for me if you don’t see your child” and that’s just bad
Another Anon says
+1
I do think you can make a point for consistency. We have/had this issue in our house, because my husband would work late frequently, and the one or two times he’d be home for the evening routine, things would drag on, especially if he came home between dinner and bedtime.
If your husband is unpredictably home in the evenings, AND has a schedule where he can spend time with your child in the morning, I think you could discuss the issue with him and say that it would be better for your son if your husband was there consistently in the morning and did the morning routing with him. Or if it’s an issue of when he gets home that is the issue (5 is fine, but 6:15 keeps your son up until 9pm) you could suggest that one or two days a week he gets home well before 6:30 and works with you to get your son to bed at a reasonable hour.
Lana Del Raygun says
Surely it’s possible for your husband to be in the house without pumping up the energy? Why can’t he read a quiet story, give kiddo a bath, feed him dinner, etc? That sounds like the real issue imo.
Lana Del Raygun says
Also, it kind of sounds like the fallout from kiddo being super wired and wanting to sleep at 8 is all yours — what’s up with that?
Anonymous says
I appreciate this! That did not entirely occur to me even though it super obvious.
AnotherAnon says
This might not work for you, but due to work schedules DH and I have always done a split shift. I’m in charge of bedtime routine and DH is in charge of morning routine. If kiddo needs to do dinner, bath, then bed immediately upon arriving home, that’s what we do and DH doesn’t interfere. And I try my best to be gone to work/not interfere with AM routine. This doesn’t mean that neither of us talk/interact with kiddo when it’s not our “shift”, but we do notice when kiddo is stalling and say “hey, Dad needs you to get dressed so you can go to school. You need to focus and finish your task.” Since I am the one who tends to amp up or indulge kiddo – sidetracking the routine – I want to say that this works better if the other parent knows the plan and is on board. If your kid knows you’re a unified front, it really helps. We’re still working on it. Good luck!
ElisaR says
ugh i have a similar problem. My husband knows how to arrive home JUUUUUUUST in time for bed and it sets everything off and means I eat dinner at 9pm. I hate it. But that’s where we are.
Pogo says
We have a pretty firm rule that if the other person starts bedtime before you get home, you pretend like you aren’t there. It is way too much excitement to introduce a parent to the equation after bedtime routine has started.
mascot says
We had a similar rule. But, we also could control our schedules so it didn’t get invoked every night.
GCA says
We do a split shift about 2-3 days a week as I have to get out early for work calls and DH has late meetings. If he gets home juuuust as the kids are about to fall asleep and this wakes them up – he is responsible for getting at least one of them to sleep!
Allowance says
What are your thoughts on allowances, and when kids should start getting them? My son is 6.5, just started 1st grade. He acquires money periodically (generous relatives, tooth fairy, etc.), but it’s still pretty abstract to him. He likes getting it, but doesn’t necessarily translate that into the value of it, if that makes sense. Should we start trying to teach that?
Maybe as of January 1 (this is right after he will turn 7) would be a good time to start?
Anonymous says
I don’t know much about when to start, but when the time comes, I’d really like to have kiddo earn it through chores. I’d pick easy chores that she likes, but I think it is import to earn the allowance rather than just get it. I’d also consider requiring kiddo to put a certain percentage in savings. That could just be a piggy bank for big purchases and not necessarily a savings account. But I think teaching the idea of not blowing every cent as soon as you get it is important. Some folks require a certain amount to go to church or a charity, too.
Anon says
I disagree – I think doing chores is a basic part of being a person, and definitely an important part of being a functional adult, and teaching your child that they only do chores to earn money is a bad value. Nobody is going to pay them to vacuum or do laundry when they’re out of your house.
10:10 Anon says
I think that’s a really valid point. I just also struggle with the concept of feeling like an allowance somewhat teaches that money falls out of trees for nothing.
Anon says
My parents framed it as the allowance for was doing well at my “job” (school) and for overall good behavior. It was occasionally withheld when I acted out. So it’s not money falling out of trees, but it’s also not payment for specific chores.
Anon says
Yes but the child is only 6. At that age it is the responsibility of the parent to take care of the child, which includes giving money. I think you can still teach them that you are earning the money; it doesn’t just fall out of trees.
Anon says
I would have originally felt like pay-for-chores things made sense, but I feel like I’ve read the argument that you shouldn’t for the reasons described in several different places now and I can buy into it. I want to make sure my kids keep their dorm rooms clean & help their spouse out equally, and they won’t be getting paid for those things.
Anonymous says
I do a dollar per year of age a week starting at 5. It’s not a reward or payment for anything, chores are done because you live here and we all help. For us the key has been helping identify what they can buy! My 8 year old usually buys books and candy, the 6 year old buys trash plastic toys. I don’t insist they save but when they ask for things I often say “no, but you can save up for that with your allowance “
Spirograph says
Here are my thoughts:
1. Allowances are important for teaching money sense, financial responsibility, decision-making, delayed gratification, and math, among other life skills I’m probably not thinking of right now
2. It’s hard to remember to give my kid cash every week (although he is good at reminding us)
3. There are lots of different ways of approaching this, and lots of resources for teaching money to kids. They don’t all seem to agree, but this is what works for me:
We give my 6 year old $3 per week and started at the beginning of this year. He gets it on garbage day, after he brings the trash cans back from the street. This is more of a memory aid for all of us than being paid for the chore; he is expected to do other chores, but I don’t explicitly tie the money to them. My philosophy is that we are all one family, and we all contribute as we are asked & able. I don’t get paid to do chores, so neither should anyone else. The last thing I want is to send an implicit message that a kid (and in this case a boy) gets paid for doing something he sees me doing every day for free. We do occasionally offer one-off jobs with a dollar amount attached.
We talk about financial goal setting with him — he wants to buy a toy that costs $20, so how many weeks will he need to save for that? If he spends some of the money on candy or pokemon cards in the meantime, how many more weeks will it take? He really likes math, so these are fun exercises for him. He keeps his money in a wallet, and I make him do his own transactions at the store, which he treats with adorable solemnity counting his cash and his change and checking his receipts.
We talk about /participate in charitable giving (and volunteerism) as a family, but I don’t require that he donate a portion of his own money (yet). In a couple years, I’ll probably add that, and also open a savings account for him.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Caveat that I haven’t read this yet, but I’ve heard good things about the book “The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money.” I believe it talks about allowances and approaches on where kids can allocate their money.
lala says
I loved this book and we adopted most of the allowance principals in it. Kid gets allowance each week. 1/3 to saving (he picks something he is saving for), 1/3 for giving (so far WWF has been a hit), and 1/3 for spending. We started at age 4 and it has been amazing. No more whining in stores. He says “oh I want that” and I say “did you bring your money?”. We only buy toys at Birthdays and Christmas.
It has also started so many conversations about money. From “everything in Costco costs a lot, at least it is more than I have in my wallet” to “why do you use a card instead of cash?”. We also talk a lot about how DH and I choose to spend our money “no I am not going to buy that toy with my money, I am choosing to spend it on other things.”
My only regret is starting at $1 per year of age. I am going to cut it back to .50 cents once he turns 6 and his little brother turns 4, as we will have two with allowances and right now $5 per week for a 5yo feels like a lot.
Mrs. Jones says
We started giving allowance in first grade. He gets $3 per week. $1 is for spend, 1 for save, and 1 for share (charity or the like). He saves up for stuff that we won’t buy him. He does chores regardless of allowance.
SC says
I haven’t implemented this with a kid yet, but I’d start with some amount not tied to chores/everyday expectations to contribute to the family. Then I’d offer to pay for larger, less frequent chores.
At a young age, I would not require saving but would encourage saving up for things he wants. To me, the purpose of allowance is to make the concept of money less abstract and to allow the kid to learn about trade-offs and even make mistakes (or at least have regrets) while the stakes are low.
As my kid gets older, I plan to gradually increase the allowance and the number of things the kid pays for out of his allowance. By the end of high school, my parents gave me a large monthly allowance, and I used it for a lot of stuff–clothes, dry cleaning, hair cuts, gas, any meals or snacks out of the house, etc. It taught me about budgeting, but also ingrained in me that money is used for things we need, not just things we want.
Anon says
Yep. I got $100 a month in high school, but I had to use it to pay for my gas, clothes, food out (except when eating with my parents), doing stuff with friends. It taught me a lot about finances and budgeting (and my parents knew that if they didn’t give me money to support this stuff, I would get a job and they didn’t want that – school was my “job” so they effectively paid me to focus on school.)
Anonymous says
This is the approach we take with our 12-year-old, and it’s worked very well so far. She has become a savvy shopper, has gotten good at prioritizing and saving for big goals, and has learned to evaluate purchases critically (how much do I really want this? Where will I put it? Will I get tired of it? Can I wait and think about it for a while?).
I encourage her to keep a certain amount of money on hand at all times for unexpected spending opportunities (e.g., outings with friends). I don’t require her to donate any set amount to charity, but I match all of her giving as an incentive to donate. She has a savings account separate from her allowance where garage sale proceeds, grandparent gifts designated for savings, and regular parental contributions live. In high school she will have access to this money for school trips and similar large expenses.
When she starts high school next fall, we will raise her allowance and make her responsible for nearly all of her purchases. For the first year or two she will be required to discuss purchases with me in advance, partly to ensure that she’s planning ahead for needs (no spending all the money on a phone and having nothing left for snowboots).
Anon says
I like that you match her charitable giving! Parents really are kids’ “employers” in a sense, so it totally makes sense to me.
GCA says
My general philosophy is that chores are a regular part of adult life and it’s good to learn to do them without allowance being tied to it, and money management is a separate thing. Also, there’s a gendered component to how even progressive families think about the distribution of chores and payment for chores: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/08/upshot/chores-girls-research-social-science.html At age 6, perhaps the appropriate practice is teaching kids to save for something they want?
Lana Del Raygun says
I am hoping to put our 9mo’s handprint on a t-shirt for a (wildly belated) father’s day present. Is there a trick for not making a mess of this? Should I give up and do a footprint instead? Any advice?
Anonymous says
Paint it on the hand with a brush instead of sticking the hand in the paint.
rakma says
Cardboard in the shirt, maybe rubberband the shirt around the cardboard so it dosen’t shift, a pile of baby wipes within arms reach to quickly wipe off most of the paint after the print.
I’m sure it will be adorable!
anon says
I had posted a few months ago about finding out DH was having an affair. We have been working on things and doing couples therapy and our marriage is better, but it’s a slow journey. I don’t think I can ever forgive him, to ever feel loved again. He’s trying so hard, but it’s almost like nothing will be enough to make up for the affair. We have a kid.
Well, I got a job offer of my dreams in another part of the country – one where it would be very difficult for him to find anything in his field. I don’t think I can find anything quite like this where we live, at least not in the near future. I am so torn on whether to take it and give up on the marriage / separate or turn it down. I could see myself regretting it either way.
I guess I am posting to see if anyone has any words of wisdom. How do you know when a marriage is over?
Anon says
No advice on the question you asked, but even if you divorce can you move across the country without giving up custody of your child? Most of my divorced friends have been tied to the area they live in because of custody. Most states default to shared physical custody as well as shared legal custody now, so unless one parent willingly gives up their right to custody, it’s very hard to leave far apart. If you are leaning towards divorce/taking the job, I would definitely consult a lawyer first.
drpepperesq says
+1
anon says
Yes, this. Also, and I’m saying this with gentleness, but you CAN divorce your husband without completely cutting ties between your kid and your DH, which a long-distance move would do. Barring abuse or something that makes him a horrible father, moving away where visitation would be extremely limited strikes me as very unfair to the whole family.
You’ve been through a lot, and I don’t blame you a bit for being hurt and wanting to burn the whole thing down, but proceed with caution here.
Anon says
Yes. Even if it’s legally allowed, it’s really $hitty to do this to your kid. Your husband did something terrible to you – feel free to divorce him as a response to that. Your child doesn’t deserve to lose their father and will be much better off in a situation where they can have strong relationships with both parents (assuming he is a good father).
A bl0gger I follow recently got divorced and moved her kids away from their (by all accounts loving and involved) father. They go back to his area a couple weekends a month. It seems really unfair to the dad, who never gets to take his kids to school or attend their school plays and field trips, and for the kids, who don’t see much of their dad, and are always out of town on weekends and probably not able to fully participate in activities and make friends in their new area (they’re in elementary school). And honestly it looks pretty miserable for the mom too, schlepping her kids back and forth all the time.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t take it for my child. I absolutely, 100% wouldn’t feel the least bit bad about Dad’s feelings if I moved halfway across the country with kiddo. That’s fallout from his actions and choices. But, I wouldn’t be able to do it to my child.
OP says
Yes – that is a good point. I am a bit frustrated that I have to be the martyr here, sacrificing my career despite of his mistake. This job would be huge for my career. DH said he would not get in the way and would be happy to work out custody if I choose to separate and take this job, even though he wants me to stay and hates the idea of losing me. But yes, the kid thing is a strong consideration.
Also don’t want to jump into any decision prematurely, as it has only been a few months and who knows, another opportunity like this might appear in a few years.
Anon says
Something that I think you can’t anticipate until you’ve been divorced is that actually filing for divorce changes everything. Your husband is saying he agrees to this custody situation now, but when you lawyer up and file for divorce, his perspective is very likely to change. Right now he is thinking as a man who still loves his wife and wants to keep his family together. Once you’ve filed for divorce, he will be thinking of you as his ex. People treat ex-es very differently than they treat spouses, however rocky the marital relationship.
Anon says
Had he not cheated on you, what would you have done with this job offer? How would you guys have handled it? Would he have moved with you? Would you guys have lived separately for some time while he looked for jobs in that part of the country? The infidelity hasn’t changed this part of the situation (i.e., it’s far away and in a place he can’t find a job) so maybe you can think about it from this perspective?
OP says
We would absolutely not take it – it’s one of those offers that makes sense for me personally (and would make sense for me in many ways if we divorced, except for the challenge of flying kid every other weekend) but not at all for our family as a whole for several reasons. That’s what makes this super tough.
Anon says
I’m assuming this job didn’t just fall into your lap without you doing anything. I think the fact that you were actively seeking job opportunities in a place where you know it would be difficult for him to live says a lot about your feelings.
OP says
It actually sort of did, from a former boss. It required a bit of follow-up from my part, but no active job search or anything.
IHeartBacon says
This is a tough question and unfortunately I don’t have any advice to offer. I do have a question though. Have you talked to your husband about it yet? How he responds to the news might give you insight into what the future holds for you.
OP says
I have. DH doesn’t want to take it obviously as he doesn’t want to lose me, but he also wants me to be happy so he understands if I do. He said he won’t fight me on custody/location /etc, but who knows how that will look when it all goes down. He encouraged me to see if there’s any way I can delay this as he doesn’t think I am ready to decide either way, a statement I agree with.
Anonymous says
I 100% trust that you’re an intelligent, capable adult. So, I say this very kindly, but… “He encouraged me to see if there’s any way I can delay this as he doesn’t think I am ready to decide either way, a statement I agree with.” That just sounds really manipulative on his part and condescending. I understand that it isn’t advisable to make big decisions when you’re going through a tough time. But to an objective observer, this seems really iffy. Do you have you own therapist you can discuss it all with?
OP says
Thanks. He def. didn’t push me to delay but it was more along the lines of understanding can an opportunity like this come another time (he is in a different field so genuinely understanding the nature of the job), if that makes sense. Like is this a once in a lifetime thing or can you get something similar again when you make a decision about he marriage. Maybe still manipulative, but at least I want to make sure I am conveying his reaction accurately.
Anon says
I was listening to Dan Savage on a podcast, and he was talking about monogamy. He said it’s one of the rare things in life where we expect 100% perfection. His perspective is that if someone is married for 40 years and cheats 1 or 2 times, that person is pretty good at monogamy. Not perfect, but a pretty good track record. It was an interesting perspective. I have never thought of it that way. I hope you don’t think I am minimizing your feelings at all. But if you want to stay in your marriage, I would be open to considering these other perspectives. If you don’t want to stay in your marriage, I would definitely consult an attorney about your ability to move and get child custody. As mentioned above, a lot of people are not able to leave the area because of custody issues.
Anon says
That logic sort of makes sense if you’re talking about someone who is married 40 years and has a one night stand or two. A long term affair (which I thought this was, but I could be wrong) is a series of repeated decisions to cheat and involves all sorts of lying and betrayal beyond the s3xual infidelity. Saying someone who had one is “pretty good at monogamy” seems utterly ridiculous to me.
anon. says
I used to listen to Dan Savage and I found it was destroying how I thought about my own marriage. I still like him generally but his perspective on monogamy does not work FOR ME (not saying this for anyone else!!). I agree it’s worth considering but also do not think he’s just the only expert on this. It’s a betrayal and you are entitled to feel how you feel.
anon says
I can’t see Dan Savage as a proponent of the mindset, “Do whatever the eff you want because it’s your one true life; who cares how your choices affect everyone around you?” In other words, not a fan.
anon says
Should’ve said I can’t see him as anything *other* than a proponent of that mindset.
Anon says
Yeah, Dan Savage is very anti-monogamy. It’s a perspective that’s fine for some people, but most people still choose to be in monogamous relationships and I don’t think his advice is very helpful for those people.
Anonymous says
Wrong question. You know your marriage is over. What you need to be asking, of your divorce lawyer, is how relocating across the country will be treated by the court in a custody fight.
OP says
What makes you think that? I really think I don’t know either way, I am so torn on this.
Anonymous says
You don’t think you can ever forgive him or feel loved again. So. There you have it.
IHeartBacon says
@Anonymous at 1:07: That’s what anyone who is in the midst of grief would say. I think the very fact that the OP is even asking is because she genuinely does not know one way or the other.
Anonforthis says
This is not the popular opinion here so I hope I don’t get hate. Im also not in your shoes but I’ve thought a lot about this. I think in my mind it depends on what kind of affair it was, a one night stand is easier to forgive than a long term emotional and physical affair. However, from the perspecrive of someone who had an emotional affair with another guy shortly after college and having been on the other side too, where I eventually married the guy who did the same to me in college, I can say that it DOES get better. Obviously it is no way comparable if you are married with children but I do recall thinking I can never ever forgive this. My now husband just apologized repeatedly a lot for 2+ years when I’d bring it up everytime we had a fight. He never defended himself and would just keep saying that he’d never do it again and he’d show me. He hasn’t in the 10 years since. He’s a wonderful husband and we are so so much stronger and more reflective and purposeful about our marriage being happy than many that I know.
I think if you were truly unhappy in your marriage before then maybe it makes sense to walk away, but I have read studies that a lot of people who stay together after affairs are glad they did because it does get better if both parties want it to. I don’t recall your original story though so not sure how this all went down.
So many hugs, I know its horribly painful.
Buddy Holly says
Not OP, but this is great perspective. I think with a decision to divorce, a lot of people overlook many aspects of the decision. It can be a mistake to make an emotional decision based on what might end up being a resolvable issue, without thinking things through. First, there is the custody aspects: your ex will still be a BIG part of your child’s life as their parent, so you aren’t just cutting them loose. The financial aspects: yes, divorce can be expensive with legal costs and so is maintaining two households instead of one, there is usually less money to go around for everyone (that includes your kids). The reality of the dating world: you are not in your twenties anymore and neither are the people you will be dating; it is complicated to combine families and date people with baggage and deal with your own adult baggage, it just is. The risk that your partner will turn into a bitter ex spouse: they can make your life a living h*ll if they want to, and you will have to deal with them frequently as a co-parent. The loss of control over your own life–as many have pointed out, a court can keep you from moving the children far from their parent, which could limit your career opportunities and other life decisions. This is a different sort of limitation than having to discuss big decisions with a spouse and making a decision together on whether the family will move for a career opportunity.
I’m not saying that no one should divorce and that all issues are resolvable. Some relationships may not be salvageable or worth salvaging. But it is complicated to break up a marriage with children and anyone thinking about doing it should go into it with eyes wide open as to what all the fall out can potentially be for them, their children, and their spouse.
Anonymous says
Bless your heart but maybe don’t assume she’s an idiot
Anon says
This is a terrible response to a thoughtful and kind response from buddy Holly.
Anon says
I don’t think she’s assuming OP is an idiot. I know a lot of divorced women who didn’t appreciate all the things that Buddy Holly said, and many of them now regret their divorces. OP should get divorced if she wants, but it’s good to go into it with eyes wide open about what her future will look like.
Buddy Holly says
OP, of course I don’t think you are an idiot. I think you are going through a really tough situation with no easy answers. I was just trying to share some aspects of divorce that took my friends by surprise. I wish the best for you and hope some of the perspectives on here, if not mine, have helped you.
Anon says
Aside from the marriage question entirely, I wouldn’t do it. Moving across the country is a huge stressor (ask me how I know). Doing that and taking your kids away from their dad just sounds like too much to deal with at a time where you already have too much to deal with emotionally.
Anon says
I may have missed this in your replies, but have you talked to your husband about moving as a family for this job? Changing scenery and moving away from the affair partner could be beneficial for your marriage. Plus, he would be showing you that he prioritizes *you* and your needs. You said he wouldn’t be able to find work in his field, but could he take a related job in a different field? Get creative and telework? Families move all the time for one person’s job.
Anon says
I agree with this. He has really hurt you, this is a good chance for a fresh start and for him to show you how much he is willing to prioritize you.
Plus, to be blunt, if you relocate as a family and then you decide you want a divorce, custody will be simpler for you and any family separation will be on him. (To be clear, I don’t think you should move if you know 100% you’re divorcing him. That’s wrong, barring abuse or something you have not indicated in your posts. But I think it’s ok to ask him to move if you think you can salvage the marriage, knowing that it will set you up for a better future either way.)
ElisaR says
this is good advice
OP says
Good point. My fear is he will grow resentful by being forced to move, so the marriage will end that way but
More pain for everyone involved. But another part of me is tempted to take the job and tell him he is welcome to join if he wants because then that
Would help with the not feeling loved part.
SC says
I know you haven’t decided yet whether you want to stay in your marriage. It will be OK if you decide to divorce. But I don’t think you can make a unilateral decision on moving and then salvage your marriage. If you do, and your husband decides to join you, he will be resentful. I think you have to approach the decision as a family, and he has to want to move too.
You don’t have to be at, “I’m 100% sure we’ll stay married,” but somewhere along the lines of, “I still want to try, and I think this may be part of the picture of us moving forward. Do you think we can make this work, regardless of what happens?”
anon says
I agree with SC. Making this a unilateral decision on your part seems tempting because it’s taking control but I think it guarantees that your husband will resent the situation.
Anonymous says
So my husband basically casually cheats on me on and off endlessly. By that I mean he meets women online and flirts with them. They’re honestly all less attractive than me, many are significantly older and they’re unsuccessful. He seems to go through them fairly fast. We are in counselling on and off basically forever. I don’t ever really believe he is done cheating and lying about cheating, it seems to be a big part of his personality.
I know a lot of women would just get up and leave. I have my reasons not to. It’s very complicated and basically you just have to make a decision that you can wake up and be happy with every day.
Would I be happy without my husband? No. Do other people understand that? No but it’s not them that has to live my life.
Good luck to you. This is a big question that therapy is for not boards.
Cheers
OP says
Thanks for sharing, I get it, divorce sounds so painful and Working through an affair is painful that I can see myself making decisions like that too. This is gonna sound horrible but if the right person came along I could see myself having my own affair to cope but stay in the marriage
IHeartBacon says
For some reason, I really appreciate that you shared your story. It’s just so honest. It’s a good reminder that human beings, and their relationships with each other, are so complex.
Woman with long term cheater husband says
It’s an honest story.
And there was a time in my life I thought I would never be in this position. I was a different person then than I am now.
I absolutely love my husband. I love our life together. He has been gone this last week and I missed him
every day, did his laundry, cooked him
dinner tonight and came home early from work because I was excited to see him. And yeah, odds are he was cheating on me this last week in some form or another.
I don’t want to go into all the details but I feel we are for the most part happy, healthy, we have successful careers and beautiful loving kids.
We have this one thing that my husband doesn’t seem to ever stop doing that would be a dealbreaker for just about everyone else.
But it’s not a dealbreaker for me and I’m the only one whose opinion really counts. :)
Take care OP. And seriously take to a therapist or a counsellor, this is not a conversation for a message board.
I can tell you right now that I wake up in the morning and I am excited to see my husband because I love him, warts and all. I’m happy when he returns a call, or buys me a cherry Pepsi or is in the same room as me. And that’s when I know I’ve made the right choice.
Anon says
OP, I’m in Year 3 of recovering from my DH’s infidelity. We stayed together after he told me. It was a long-term, complicated affair primarily driven by his insecurity and depression (which he now recognizes). He was and is so apologetic and hasn’t quite forgiven himself. He is still working through it, and we are still working through it.
A few things I learned:
– For a year and a half – we went through three types of counselling: his, hers, and ours. All three are important so make sure all are happening. Even if the marriage doesn’t survive, there are still so many issues related to anger, hate, disbelief, loss of self-esteem, self-blame, guilt, etc. that that need to be individually addressed.
– I knew our marriage would survive because even when he told me – we both agreed that we were each other’s best friends. We still managed to laugh and spend some time together as a couple EVEN when we were going through some pretty horrible conversations and nights. Is he your best friend? Is he still the person you want to turn to or no? What does your gut say? If the answer is no, then you know.
– One of the best things my therapist ever told me was that sometimes two opposing things can co-exist. It took me at least 1.5 years to understand that he loved me and still loves me AND could still do that to me and to us. It actually had nothing to do with me and how he felt about me. If you feel unloved now, that’s normal…that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
– In my second week of individual therapy, I asked my therapist how long it would take for me to feel less shitty. And he said give it at least a year. He wasn’t too far off the mark. About 1-1.5 years in, I did feel less shitty. I didn’t think about it every day. It got easier to manage. Give it time. Don’t make any hard decisions that would be difficult to undo while you’re still processing what the affair means and the damage it has wrought on you all.
Good luck. Know that whatever decision you make will turn out to be ok after all.
Anon says
I also recently found out my spouse had an affair and posted here. For a moment I thought I had written your post and forgotten!
I am only a month out from D-Day, but everything I have read and heard tells me that 3 months is very, very early to make this kind of decision unless you knew at the time of disclosure that the marriage was over. Our therapist says it will take 1-3 years to recover from the affair. A friend who was in a similar position and decided to stay in the marriage told me he did not feel better for 6 months.
I guess what I’m saying is you don’t have to decide to stay now, just whether you want to stay for now to try to work on the marriage. If you do, I would give it a bit longer. I know how awful it feels. Some days I can hardly get out of bed. I don’t know whether my marriage can be saved. I do know that whatever happens I want to know that I tried everything before leaving. Hugs.
DM says
I completely agree with the sentiment that 3 months post-affair is way too soon to be making any huge life decisions (if possible).
My DH had what he termed an “emotional affair” with a co-worker about a year and half ago, after 5 years of marriage (no kids). We had been going through some tough times (for non-marriage related reasons) and both were working a ton, and we just kind of drifted apart. He took refuge in a co-worker, and came to me and told me he didn’t love me anymore. I was shocked and so, so hurt.
We went to six months of therapy–both as a couple and separately. At first, he kept on saying there was no way he could stay in our marriage because he felt there wasn’t “passion” anymore, and he couldn’t live a life without that. He even started looking at short term rentals so we could do a trial separation, though that never materialized. For my part, I began casually checking job boards in the city across the country where my family lives. But by about 3 months in, we had decided we did still love each other and wanted to continue to try. And after 6 months, we were 100% recommitted to each other and to our marriage, more so even than before the affair.
Now, 1.5 years later, we are so much stronger. I do still bring it up sometimes when I’m feeling low for whatever reason, and he promises me he will never, ever do it again, and that he is mine and loves me for life. And I believe him.
All this is to say that I’m glad neither of us made any rash decisions in the wake of the affair. We are each other’s best friends and have built our lives around each other. With that said, therapy was so helpful in helping me imagine a good, happy life even without him, which I think gave me more strength to recommit to the marriage without feeling like I was just doing it out of inertia or fear.
My last thought on this is that a job is just that–a job. No matter how great it seems, it is not so unique that you can’t risk passing it up while you take time to work on figuring out what you want from your marriage. Wishing you the best of luck as you and your DH work through this!
Pumping logistics says
What would you do? Going back to work soon (fed gov atty) after baby #2. Was in a different job for baby #1. I have two options for pumping…a pumping room on my floor (unlike previous office, no hospital grade pump, I’d have to bring mine) or just lock the door in my office. Either way I’d have to go to the other side of the floor for each session (to go to the pumping room with my pump, or to bring milk and pump parts to the refrigerator if pumping in my office).
I’m inclined to do the latter so that I can get work done with two monitors and a telephone during pumping sessions (rather than just a laptop). Is it weird to request to do this rather than using the pumping room? Anything else I’m not considering?
FWIW I’m the first woman who has had a baby and pumped in this office since I started (and since my boss started). My boss is an older white guy, fairly clueless about this and I imagine he will forget I’m pumping on the regular.
LadyNFS says
Maybe not an option, but get a small refrigerator for your office, lock the door, and pump in your office. Then, you can do everything in one place and not have to walk to the other side of the floor. If that’s not an option, try it both ways and see what works for you before you settle into a routine. I’d probably still do office because you have all of your work “things” already there, without having to worry or plan ahead about what you need to bring to the pumping room to work on, but YMMV.
Pogo says
+1 this. I would get a mini fridge and use your office.
Anon says
+1. This is what I do and itself ideal. I don’t even have to leave the office.
AwayEmily says
I would definitely do it in your office. I would also buy a mini-fridge to keep in your office — it makes everything so much easier and they are not that expensive (I got one for my second and really regret not getting one for my first).
Anonymous says
Another vote for mini fridge in office. I have that setup now and it’s really convenient. I also have multiple sets of pump parts and just wash at home in the evenings because to wash at work I would have to use the bathroom sink in a busy university building (which seems gross) or go halfway across campus to the lactation room (which would take too long).
Anon says
I did this as a lawyer in my office (without the in-office mini fridge) and it was fine. I just had a sign on the door so that no one was trying to break down the door (culturally a closed door around here means knock and walk in, not knock and wait for an invite). I had a little lunchbox sized cooler I used to carry milk between my office and the fridge. But we have a small group and I was pretty open about it, so YMMV.
EB0220 says
I pumped in my office. A mini fridge sounds great and I wish I’d thought of that! But if it isn’t feasible, you could consider bringing a couple of coolers for the milk and parts.
Anon says
This isn’t even a question. Pump in your office. It is so much easier than lugging everything and your laptop to another location. If you don’t want to get a minifridge, bring a cooler bag to store the milk in your office fridge. You’ll probably want one anyway for transporting milk when you leave work.
I used one of those small plastic bins with a dishtowel in it for carting my pump parts back and forth to the kitchen to wash them.
Anonymous says
+1 – This is a no-brainer. Definitely pump in your office. Also: I never (with three kids) washed my pump parts. Just put them into the cooler you leave your bottles in in the fridge. Good luck!
GCA says
Not weird – pump in your office and use a mini fridge! I wish I had an office with a door that locked – sounds like a dream. Good luck!
Lana Del Raygun says
I pumped in my office and just walked the milk to the freezer. If I hadn’t been able to work while pumping I would’ve had to spend like 2 hours more at work and that’s just not worth it (neither was pumping at all, in the end).
Emily S. says
I’m going to be the outlier: pump somewhere else, if you can. I’ve done both; I preferred pumping in the mom’s room because it was a mental break that allowed me to concentrate only on pumping (well, and whatever magazine or book I brought with me) and my supply benefited. Oh, and I made mom friends! With baby #1, when I pumped in my office, not only did people interrupt me — despite the sign on the door — I felt obligated to do work and feel like my mental health and supply dropped. With baby #2, I had a new office with a glass wall and was forced to use the mom’s room, and I groaned about taking the freight elevator to the basement but was pleasantly surprised.
But, do you have to choose one or the other? Could you have a designated mom’s room space and use your office when you really needed to do work or just didn’t want to walk?
This does not have to figure into your calculus at all, you do you, but, if you establish a pumping room, you take baby steps toward normalizing pumping at work for your office and the women who come after you.
Whatever you choose, good luck with the pumping!
Katarina says
I pump in my office and keep my milk in the fridge in the pumping room down the hall. I put in a request to have my window frosted, which was readily approved. It is much easier to keep working in my office, even with trips to the pump room. We are in an old building and a fridge in my office is not allowed. I had a fridge in my office at my previous job and it was very convenient.
anon says
i am a huge proponent of paternity leave and i like the idea that it can be split up for some at the beginning, some when spouse returns to work, etc. but how do people feel about someone using paternity leave when their child is 11 months old to go on vacation for a month? obviously that technically falls within the rules, but it seems to leave a bad taste that it is not really in the spirit of paternity leave. i feel like the purpose of paternity leave is to help care for and bond with the child, maybe also help care for their spouse, to make things more equal in the work place etc. I suppose technically if you are on vacation with your child you are caring for and bonding with them, but to me that feels very different than caring for a newborn?
Anon says
I think caring for a 11 month old is actually WAY more work than caring for a newborn (they sleep a lot less, they crawl everywhere and might be starting to walk, you have to prep them 4-5 solid meals a day) so I don’t care about the timing of when the leave is used at all.
My two cents is that it’s fine if the father is on vacation alone with the child – that is child-father bonding, who cares where they are doing it. I also wouldn’t balk at a dad taking a month of paternity leave to be with his child and the whole family taking a one week vacation together during it. (Full disclosure, my husband was on paternity leave (technically reduced duties) for 9 months, and we took several one week vacations during that time (where I also took vacation from work). I wasn’t going to put my life on hold and stop taking vacations just because my husband was on leave.) But if the entire paternity leave is vacation and his partner is also present and not working, then it feels like he’s abusing the paternity leave.
Anonymous says
Yes. I hate it. So many friends of my friends do it as to co-workers. This is why I’m anti the growth in the “paternity leave” movement. They are not doing it to be primary caretakers, to recover physically, or to bond. They are doing that for the first week or two, and taking the rest as vacation. De-values maternity leave. I take it even further – if you are a professional woman and you let your husband do this, you’re complicit, sorry.
Anon says
Women here talk all the time about taking vacations during maternity leave. I did, and most of my friends did too. I also spent a TON of time binging Netflix and reading, which was fun but I’m not sure it’s any more valuable (certainly not to my employer) than me going on vacation. Why is it different for men?
NYCer says
Agreed. I have taken more than a month of vacation (not consecutively) while on my six month maternity leave. My husband joined us for about half of that time.
So I do not cares at all if a man takes a month of leave when child is 11 months and the entire family goes on vacation. Sounds nice to me in fact!
Anon says
I disagree completely. The best way to take away the stigma of maternity leave is for men to take paternity leave. Policing what they’re doing while they’re on leave is not productive for anyone.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m with you – to me, this feels like while it’s maybe within the letter of the law (leave guidelines), it’s not within the spirit. Is there someone at your office doing this? How does this even work logistically, is the other parent working at this time? Or they are both taking a month off? I would probably feel differently if they were visiting family vs. going off to a resort somewhere, maybe that’s illogical.
Pogo says
My European colleagues do this all the time and no one thinks it’s abusing the system – but Europeans typically have 2, sometimes 3 years to use their paternity leave. I think it is rare for people to question too much about what the person is doing on leave, though.
My personal perspective is that beyond the initial 6-8w when mom is recovering from birth, we shouldn’t shame families into feeling like their leave needs to be spent locked up at home staring at their child. When I was on maternity leave we took several trips with baby, including a weeklong trip to the west coast. I didn’t feel like I was “abusing the system”. My husband used some of his paternity leave, but he also used vacation (I used partly unpaid leave and partly paid paternity leave for these trips). It was time as a family that I am so grateful we got to take.
I think the only thing that bothers me is something I’ve seen discussed on here about male academics using paternity leave to write papers or books – that seems like blatant abuse, because you’re generating actual work product when the intent is you are being paid to bond with or care for your child. I think it would also bother me if a guy took paternity leave and the baby was in daycare the whole time, and he went on a solo trip. But if the whole family is together, I think that is in the spirit of caring for/bonding with your child.
Callie says
I’m kinda confused about the scenario that’s prompted you to ask this–are you asking b/c someone else in your office is planning to do this (and if so, then perhaps they shouldn’t have advertised that that’s what they’re planning to do but eh why would you care geographically where they spend their paternity leave) or is this something you are contemplating for your family (in which case, I would advise not advertising that this is your family’s plan or at least not phrase it as an excuse to take advantage of a month long vacation but it still seems okay to me).
I don’t dramatically see how this is different than a vacation taken at any point during a maternity/paternity leave. I took six months when my son was born and during that time, I definitely spent several different one week trips at my parents’ home and one week right at the end we went to the Caribbean. YMMV but I work in government and attorneys in my office often seem to take a delayed leave several months after the baby is born when the birthing parent completes their leave. I wouldn’t think anything of seeing vacation photos on instagram or anything like that during their leave. In my office, maternity/paternity leave is an earned benefit (we don’t get it until we’ve been at our office for 2 years and we “owe” the office a year afterwards). Also it’s a benefit that is advertised in recruiting attorneys. And choosing to take it or all of it does come with a cost-benefit analysis (while paid–at least partially at my office depending upon how long is taken–it still does require something of a career/lost opportunity hit) so I kinda feel like its up to each person to use that time to bond with the child and figure out parenting in whatever way they choose.
(I’d feel differently if the baby was being left at home for the month and the parent was going on a solo monthlong vacation.)
Sarabeth says
To me, the issue is that paternity leave is predicated on the idea that the father will be acting as primary caretaker to the child. At the four workplaces where I’m familiar with paternity leave policies, the father (or non-gestational parent) has to certify that as part of the paperwork for paternity leave. If the whole family is on vacation, that’s not really what’s happening.
I agree that taking some vacation during paternity leave is fine; but using it all for a family vacation means the other parent is also on leave the whole time, so there is no point at which dad is primary caretaker in a meaningful way.
And I do think that there are larger structural issues at stake here. Paternity leave is an individual benefit, but it is also an advocacy issue that is championed as a way to reduce gender inequalities in the workplace by creating an environment in which women are not assumed to act as primary caregivers of children even when both parents work full time. If the non-gestational parent (usually a man) does not use paternity leave to act as a primary caretaker, it defeats that part of the purpose of paternity leave.
Callie says
But does that mean that a father whose wife is a SAHM shouldn’t get paternity leave? Or what about a father whose wife is a teacher and will be off for part of the summer? And what about if there is/are other child(ren)–shouldn’t there be value placed in caring for those child(ren) and in helping the other child(ren) adjust to their new roles as sibling(s)? I agree that paternity leave should be used to parent. But I think that can look different for different families. And to say that being a primary caregiver to a new baby means that you have to be doing it alone seems overly controlling to me.
I think this is particularly interesting b/c I know someone whose wife is a teacher. Baby was due 8 weeks before the end of her school year so she intended to take maternity leave for the first 8 weeks of the baby’s life–which then took her to the summer break. Father was a governmental attorney and was entitled to 3 months of paternity leave but had to be taken within the first 6 months of the baby’s life and he had to be the primary caretaker of the baby during that time. Because of the wife’s 8 weeks of maternity leave plus her summer off as a teacher, his wife was basically going to be home for 5 1/2 of the 6 months during which he could take leave. He asked if he could take leave from month 5 1/2 to 8 1/2 of the child’s life and was denied. Does the fact that he happens to be married to a teacher mean that he is any less entitled to a paternity leave to adjust to life as a parent and get to bond with that new baby? Opinions may vary, but I don’t think it should. In fact, I found myself pretty angry on his behalf. Teacher plus government attorney family and basically they are going to be “dinged” with extra childcare costs for an additional three months because of it. If his wife worked a different job, he’d be entitled to this earned benefit. The whole situation was a pretty lousy bureaucratic abuse of two public servants if you ask me.
Anon says
We just did away with our policy that had language about primary caregivers, which was stressing me out because I viewed myself as a BF-ing mother as the primary caregiver, but my husband is a SAHD (effective as of when I went back to work with our first), and I didn’t want to get into a fight with my work about who was really the primary caregiver this time around. Thankfully, now we have a relatively non-gendered approach – 12 weeks paid for any gender for family expansion (childbirth, adoption, surrogacy or foster care placement resulting in legal adoption) plus 8 weeks of paid medical leave for birth mothers. I think the medical leave has to be immediately post-birth, but the other 12 weeks can be taken in up to 4 chunks in the first year.
Anon says
Agree, I hate the ‘primary caregiver’ language as the best case scenario is that the parents are equal caregivers.
IHeartBacon says
“And to say that being a primary caregiver to a new baby means that you have to be doing it alone seems overly controlling to me.”
“Does the fact that he happens to be married to a teacher mean that he is any less entitled to a paternity leave to adjust to life as a parent and get to bond with that new baby? Opinions may vary, but I don’t think it should. ”
+INFINITY
Anonymous says
This is an example of how paternity leave can actually reinforce gender inequality. Non-gestating parents should be required to take their leave immediately upon the child’s arrival, just as biology requires birth mothers to do. If fathers can take paternity leave whenever they want, they can choose to use it for vacation or article writing or whatever else they like, instead of being trapped at home with a newborn like a birth mother on maternity leave.
Anon says
Totally disagree. I took my maximum 12 weeks of leave immediately after the babies birth. My husband then took his leave directly after mine. I don’t think daycare is bad or anything (my kiddo is in a wonderful daycare now and thriving) but I also think it was a wonderful experience for her to individual adult attention from a parent for most of the first year, and it also made him an a more equal and independent parent because he was home alone with our child as her primary caregiver for many months, something that would not have happened if we’d taken our leaves at the same time. It is a problem if the dad is not being the primary caregiver of the child during his paternity leave, but if he’s doing his job of caretaking, he should be able to do it after the mother returns to work. Yes, I’m a little jealous that my kid was older and more fun when my husband was the at-home parent, but I realize that’s something that was forced by biology and it would have been worse for our whole family if he’d had to take his leave consecutive with mine. Punishing men and making them be “trapped at home with a newborn” just because we were is so silly.
Anon says
Yes, also totally disagree. Like the other poster said, most people I know that have used both have done it separately to push out when they need paid childcare. This helps the mom out as well in a lot of ways too – when she goes back to work maybe she can focus that much more at work b/c she doesn’t have an all new care situation to deal with too; & the cost of childcare is so crazy expensive that the more we can support new parents to not have to take on quite as much of it, I think the better.
To the original point, I can see the arguments for why someone might feel the way the OP does, but I personally think…why not? No different than moms taking vacations on their maternity which is a generally accepted thing.
Anon says
I’m the Anon above and the finances point is a good one – my husband taking his leave after mine ended saved us about $15k. We’re not as high earners as many here, so it was a pretty significant amount of money to us. And I agree that going back to work for me was much easier because I knew kiddo was home with her dad. Separating the return to work from the first daycare/nanny drop off can be a real emotional benefit to working moms and made the decision to return to work easier for me.
Anonymous says
I will join the chorus of hearty disagreement. My husband took leave when I went back to work around 12-16 weeks, and was the primary caretaker for another month or two. He wouldn’t have had much to do in the early weeks when I was basically just nursing and sleeping all day. I probably would have either resented him hovering, or doing other things in an effort not to hover.
My husband’s leave was unpaid and his salary is more than childcare, so it didn’t save us money. But I was much more comfortable going back to work knowing that my husband was taking care of the new baby rather than new-to-me daycare teachers.
lala says
+1. We are about to have our third and this is what we are doing. I am taking 16 weeks, paid. He is taking 12 weeks, unpaid. His salary more than covers daycare, so it’s actually a hit to us financially. We’ve been saving since we found out I was pregnant so we can cover the salary loss for those 12 weeks. The biggest benefit to us is my mental health. I always stress about new baby in childcare, even though the others have turned out just fine. The only time I have ever wanted to quit my job to stay home is in that 1-2 month transition back from maternity leave. This way the baby will be home with dad while I make the transition and I am so excited about this.
And yes, we are planning at least 2 vacations while he is on paternity leave. I don’t think this is an abuse at all.
Spirograph says
Honestly, I think the culture around using time off in the US is absolutely terrible and any way that people use the leave time they are entitled to is fine with me, because it shows they are prioritizing their family over their work. I’d much rather see a month vacation than failing to take the leave at all. If it works best for the family to do it that way rather than have the dad be there in the early months, who am I to tell them the “right” way for their family to interact? If the man using “paternity leave” to go on a solo vacation, without the kid, I’d have some major side eye. But the point is to be present with the child, and I think vacations are within the spirit of that.
Full disclosure, I used some of my parental leave time for vacations (I was not eligible for the full benefit until I had been with the company for a year), and so have others on my team.
Nan says
+1000
Pogo says
This is why I specifically mentioned the Europeans – in the past year I know two guys who have taken 3-4w paternity leaves some time after the child’s birth. It is very much accepted and just part of life. They often take the time in the summer when their older children are off school and take a family trip – even if the “baby” is now older. I see this trend continue once paternity leave is no longer applicable, but Europeans still get more vacation than we do and taking off 3 consecutive weeks in August is very much the norm.
IHeartBacon says
+Infinity
SC says
In theory, I have no problem with it. As you said, a parent taking time away from work to bond with and take care of their family can happen anywhere. There’s no reason to “ground” adults and literally confine them to their home. I also think there are too many factors in this type of decision to make judgment on this particularly useful. (How do we decide if something is vacation? Are the dad and kid “allowed” to leave home for a shorter period of time? For a month? To visit family? To help elderly family members? How do we decide the time limit for parental leave? Why can’t a parent assist in care taking at 11 months instead of newborn or 2 months?) Also, I recognize that, in the US, it’s common to have vacation and FMLA run concurrently with parental leave, so if you do need to go sit on a beach or visit your family in a distant locale, when else would you do it?
In reality, in the United States, I understand that paternity leave is not really accepted, and even taking maternity leave is judged and can set women back in their careers. A perception that parental leave is “vacation” already exists, and widely advertising that dad and almost-1-year-old are going to play on the beach for a month probably isn’t helpful to the cause of making paternity leave (and even maternity leave) more widespread.
Anonymous says
I think you’re just jealous
Anon says
My husband used his paternity leave to supervise our kitchen remodel. Is that any different?
anon says
to me that also misses the point of paternity leave
Callie says
Why though? Was he also parenting during that time period? SAHMs planning a remodel would supervise renovations and also care for kids fulltime, why can’t a father on paternity leave do both?
ElisaR says
well she said he used his paternity leave to supervise her kitchen remodel. She said nothing about parenting while supervising the kitchen remodel.
anon says
OP here. part of it is a vacation with spouse and child, part of it is a solo trip with spouse while grandparents watch child and part of it is taking care of things around the house while child has other childcare.
and yes – i can admit i’m jealous :-) my DH only got 1 week and i had twins with one in the nicu and i actually found watching my 11 month old twins solo to be easier than watching my 11 week old twins solo, so i disagree with the idea that an 11 month old is necessarily harder than a newborn
Anon says
Ok, with these additional details I agree it’s abusing the leave. A solo trip without your child while you’re on leave to care for your child is absurd, and I also side-eye taking care of things around the house with the child in full-time childcare. My husband got a lot of work work and house work done on leave, but he fit it in during naps or when I was home and playing with the kid.
Anon says
Ok, but isn’t the answer that your DH should have been able to take more leave? Not that someone else shouldn’t be able to take theirs? What someone else is doing while they’re on leave is honestly just not your problem.
GCA says
1. From what OP’s said it does technically sound like a slight abuse of paternity leave. But jealousy aside, it’s impossible to police what people do on their paternity (or maternity) leave – so long as it is not work. Plus, we all know that vacations with babies – especially rooting, tooting almost-toddlers who want to stick their fingers into sockets and eat sand – aren’t relaxing.
2. That doesn’t mean men should get less paternity leave (what about two-dad families?). Any man using their full allotment of paternity leave sends a signal to other men that the organization encourages them to do so. And some may actually use it for caregiving, thereby evening out the household load in their households. (My colleague is right this minute out on his allotted 3 months of parental leave, wrangling an 8-month-old, which from my 2x experiences with the baby year certainly isn’t easy.)
3. With the cost of childcare what it is, the financial argument is a strong one.
Ultimately, to me, it’s a net positive to have men taking their full paternity leave at all. Better if they have some way to show the leave is being used to act as primary caregiver. Even better if there isn’t a financial disincentive (eg leave being unpaid). Best if there’s just one standard allotment of parental leave for primary caregivers.
Anon says
I don’t think you can or should police what people are doing on their leaves in whatever time they can find around caregiving. Vacationing, watching TV, b-feeding constantly, changing diapers, etc. were all big parts of my maternity leave. But I don’t think it’s unfair to ask employees to sign something certifying they don’t have paid childcare, or put a cap on hours of paid childcare for employees wanting to take a maternity or paternity leave (for that child – older siblings should of course be able to continue in whatever childcare they had before the birth of the baby). I know way too many manbabies who put their infants in 40 hour/week daycare and took “paternity leave” to drink beer and play video games, and I can understand employers wanting to prohibit that.
Please no says
Sometimes you just have to treat people like adults and hope they act like it. I can’t imagine being required to sign something before going on mat leave saying that I wouldn’t use any other child care or limiting the number of hours I could be away from my child while on leave.
Not to mention the fact that a policy like this really only perpetuates the idea that new parents are out to abuse parental leave. Which of course is flat out false 98% of the time.
Spirograph says
I think the man made a mistake in advertising that this is how he plans to spend his leave time. However, using his leave to go on vacation with his family, with his wife, and to take care of things around the house are all Good Things for him and his family. I’m sticking with my earlier comment that taking the leave you’re entitled to is good, full stop.
Also, offering paternity leave is fundamentally a retention tool and a way to present a certain culture within a company. Being entitled to take this leave is probably making him a happier employee, and happy employees are usually better employees. Leave with strings attached to make sure the man is primary caregiver is more of a public policy angle and I’m not sure that’s appropriate waters for many businesses to wade into. Your employer can ask you to show proof of childcare while you’re working at home because it’s in their legitimate interest to know that you will be able to devote your attention to work. It is not in your employer’s job to make sure you’re being a supportive spouse and engaged parent. How he spends his leave entitlement is between him and his partner.
Anonymous says
My husband did this- he had 6 weeks and it was our 3rd kid. We have a nanny. We had him home for two weeks, then reduced schedule for a few weeks to help out, then we took a 2 week family vacation when baby was 11 months. I didn’t see anything wrong with it- he didn’t go golfing alone! He was helping out, spending time binding with the kids. Maybe not explicitly the baby, but he was Being a Dad. And I did make him get me drinks now and again bc he was “on leave” ;).
Anonymous says
I’m confused. Is the child going with the father? If so, it doesn’t bother me.
grey falcon says
I feel great about this. It’s a good rejoinder to the ethos that we should center our workplace in our lives. Why does it matter to anyone what he does with his leave? He’s entitled to it, and that entitlement doesn’t need to include that he suffer while away or feel bad about not being at work. (Though traveling with an 11 mo old is often not a picnic.) No one has to prep more or less to cover the month because he’s on vacation. Bonding is not location-specific so long as all parties are together. Bond in Paris/ Bangkok/ Santiago!
I think this is one of the places where the scarcity of the resource tricks us all into fighting amongst ourselves for scraps– and shaming others– rather than staring in the face the real problem, which is that the modern workplace is pretty incompatible with a two working parent lifestyle and often the employer is the only one coming out ahead.
Anonymous says
Preach!
anon says
In the category of “would you be upset” with your daycare …
DS was sent home this morning from his daycare summer program because of an incident that happened on a field trip. According to the teacher, everyone was playing on a playground and some kid started running at DS. DS’s response was to shove the other kid out of the way. There is a zero-tolerance policy for physical aggression of any kind, so he was dismissed for the day. I’m pretty p!ssed. Should he have shoved the kid? No, of course not. I also don’t think it’s a wildly unusual reaction to nearly being run over by another person and wish the director had extended a little bit of grace.
I dunno, DS has had sort of a rough week in general — nothing physical, just mainly loud and rowdy — and I can’t help but feel that it played into the director’s decision to send him home. School starts next week and he has problems acting out during transition times. It’s anxiety drive and really hard to manage, honestly. So I’m also a total ball of anxiety, wondering how the next few weeks are going to go. Kiddo has a scheduled counseling appointment next week and it cannot come soon enough. :(
Anon says
How old is he? The daycare’s reaction seems overdramatic for a 2 year old, completely appropriate for a 6 year old.
anon says
Well, the plot thickens. Other kid hit my kid first. My kid retaliated, then told a teacher what happened and admitted what he did. Daycare has not yet sent the instigator home.
Buddy Holly says
I’d be p*ssed if this is the scenario and you aren’t missing facts.
Anon says
I was iffy until this update. I’d be requesting a meeting with the director this afternoon. At a minimum, I’d want to understand the facts from their perspective, why the seeming inconsistent approach to policy enforcement, and how they’re actively managing these situations.
In addition, I’d ask for their preferred way for him to behave. Even in the first scenario, where the kid ran at him, how should your child have reacted? In the second, where your child got hit, exactly what should your kid have done? I’d then role play with my kid at home – while those are entirely age-appropriate reactions, elementary schools usually expect better behavior as well, so you might as well start building those tools now.
Anonymous says
It sounds like you know your kid is being a problem, and you know the policy. I suspect he has been given more than a little bit of grace already. And I am sorry it’s really hard! But it sounds like he isn’t 2 and is old enough to know “no shoving.”
Anonymous says
That policy sounds problematic. I totally understand wanting to enforce that physical aggression is unacceptable, but for typical kid antics (I would consider shoving in that category), I think a trip to the director’s office for a cooldown period is more appropriate than sending the kid home. I pay to have reliable childcare. If my kid attacks someone with a weapon or starts an all-out fight, I would understand being called to pick him up. But I expect the daycare/school to handle discipline to some extent without me needing to interrupt my work day.
Anonymous says
Agreed, particularly for kids under the age of say 7-8. I’d be even more annoyed if I found out it was being enforced selectively.
anon says
I agree with this. I see this as fairly expected behavior for a 6 year old. 10, maybe not. But seriously, if someone were running straight at me I’d probably shove them too…
anon says
This.
Pogo says
Granted my kid is 2 but if he got sent home for shoving he’d be sent home every other day. This seems excessive. I don’t think even in elementary or middle school people got sent home for shoving or hitting on the playground – you got in trouble (stern talking to, time out) and maybe kept out of anything fun the rest of the day.
Anonymous says
+1 – This would really annoy me. I know for certain that my son shoved from time to time at day care when he was five, especially when interacting with another kid who liked to play rough. He got cooling off periods and talking-tos, and I got an occasional note home. He is a pretty normal, if spirited, kid, and he hasn’t had problems with aggression at elementary school at all. This seems like behavior that is completely within the range of normal, and it’s weird that the school would send your kid home over this.
Anpn says
Age is a huge factor here. How old is your son?
RR says
I’d be annoyed based upon these facts, because I think daycare needs to be able to address discipline issues on site unless they become severe. I have 3 kids, and all 3 of them have at some point in their daycare career both hit/shoved/kicked/bit another kid and had the same done to them. I’d hazard a guess that basically every kid every would be the same. Daycare is necessary because I have a job. If you need to give the child a verbal warning or remove him from the situation for a few minutes, do so, but sending a kid home for a one-time shove that wasn’t escalating further is inappropriate IMO.
AnotherAnon says
What’s your favorite foundation? Currently wearing NYC liquid foundation but it settles into my lines. Do I just need to start wearing primer?
SC says
YSL Touche Eclat illuminating foundation.
Anonymous says
I like Clinique Even Better because it has been the best match for me color-wise, but they recently discontinued my color :(
AnonLaywer says
Can I talk through my worries about childcare here? I’m due in December with my first and looking at daycares, probably starting April 1. I’m also open to a nanny share and joined the FB group for my city but it looks like people only set those up a couple of months ahead of time.
The daycares I’ve seen are just not inspiring me. I’ve seen two I’d be really, really happy with – one has a mile-long waitlist and due to traffic patterns, probably is too far away to be workable. The other is closer but only takes 3 babies at a time (8 kids total) and again, a LOT of parents are interested. All the others I have reservations about – too many baby containment devices, 12 babies in a tiny space, kind of a dank, depressing area, etc. Maybe I’m just being a neurotic first time mom though? My mom wants to do 2 days a week of daycare, so I know the baby will be getting lots of focused attention on those days.
Or should I be more focused on a nanny share? I like the idea of a nanny who could take the babies out on walks or to storytime at the library, but maybe that’s unnecessary with infants?
Anon says
I think if you find a nanny share you’re really enthusiastic about it, it can be a great solution. Infants don’t need to go to library story time, imo, but more adult attention is always good at that age.
As far as getting off the daycare waiting list, keep checking in, re-iterating interest and ask to tour if you haven’t already. At least in my area, daycares are cagey about tours if they don’t think they have a spot for you. We were on a waiting list at our top daycare (based on recommendations) for ages and I finally basically insisted on touring. At the beginning of the tour they reiterated what they’d told us before, that they wouldn’t have a spot until December (this was in April). The next business day they called us and told us we had a spot in June. Perhaps it was random chance, but I don’t think so. Friends have had similar success after emailing monthly to express continued interest. Squeaky wheel gets the grease and all that.
Pogo says
I think it’s fair to continue looking until you get a warm fuzzy feeling. I know what you mean about dark and depressing, we saw one of those. However I also found two places that gave me the warm fuzzy feeling; not coincidentally both came with references/personal recommendations. Don’t be afraid to use your network – as an alternative to a nanny share, many licensed in-home providers are somewhat “word of mouth only” in my area. One independent center I found through a friend at yoga. I also chatted with my hairdresser about options (she sends her kiddo to a big national chain). Basically anyone who has kids – even older kiddos- can be your gateway to a care option you didn’t know about/hadn’t thought of.
Ashley says
I also think it’s fair to choose a daycare based on a feeling, but I’d be careful to make sure that feeling comes from the teachers and not just the space. We started out at a national chain with sparkling clean facility and lots of advanced features (e.g., an app to track feeding, diaper, naps). It turned out that I didn’t love it for my infant, because I felt the actual teachers were just there to clock in and clock out. Now we’re all much happier at a much more “low tech” and kind of drab facility, but the teachers are warm and caring and my DS loves them. Totally with you that picking a place sucks (esp with waitlists) and can be such a shot in the dark. The upside is you aren’t stuck! You can stay on waitlists at other facilities and change if the first one doesn’t work out.
Ms B says
+1. The Kid spent his first 3 years of day care in a place where “shabby” was the nicest descriptor I could give to much of the facility, but the staff was great and the whole center really meshed with our somewhat granola philosophy on early childhood (no screens in the center other than computers for the director and assistant director, baby-led weaning, avoidance of gendered and commercialized toys/books/activities, appreciation of modalities of learning, diversity in students and staff, etc.). No regrets about our time there whatsoever!
FWIW we found that daycare through pure networking. At the time we enrolled, they had only a webpage (not a site, a page) and but for a friend mentioning that she had heard good things, we never even would have visited.
Anon says
Same for us, Ms. B. To me, as long as the physical environment is safe, the staff is MUCH more important than the space. My son continues to go to this school 4 years later (and the preschool buildings are nicer and newer than the infant center ones), and my daughter just started in the infant center with the same teacher/same room as my son. Knowing they would be loved and cared for makes it much easier to drop off! Its not the fanciest building, but the care is good, and for us personally, that’s what matters.
ElisaR says
honestly – doing less than 5 days of daycare is going to mean you have a less desirable daycare in my area. They are so selective they only take kids 5 days a week because they can. Because they are in demand.
I had misgivings about daycare as a newly pregnant mom. Now that I’ve had 2 babies go through it, I am confident that is a good thing. I don’t want to bash other options too much but I really think daycare is amazing for child development. The only rub was that my boys didn’t nap that well there. I understand your concerns, but pick the one that gives you the best feeling when you walk in. And if there’s a mile long wait list. Call. Call. Call. Let them know you are INTERESTED and will commit if a spot opens up. It’s stressful, and I totally get where you’re coming from.