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Clementine says
Help me figure out kid logistics.
8 year old gets off the bus at 4:15/4:30. Chills with magical au pair until 5. Normally our schedule is that we eat dinner around 5:15/5:30 and then the bedtime train starts with the youngest at 7. 8 year old generally is in bed by 8, asleep by 8:30/8:45.
We are starting sports practice season where kid will have sports practices every Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday from 6-7:30. Kid’s teacher really gives quite a bit of homework – minimum 20 minutes of active work + 20 minutes reading per night and yes, it does feel like a lot for 2nd grade and kid really REALLY needs his sleep to be able to be functional.
Right now the plan is for parents to alternate which day we take kid to practice and hang close and read a book or catch up on work. Eventually we’ll be able to drop and go but I think we’ll start by just being available.
We’re going to have magical au pair pick kiddo up so he gets home at 3:45, then he will be able to chill for 20 and start on homework and get that done before 5 (magical au pair will happily do this). We’ll feed kid first dinner at 5, then get out the door by 5:45 to be to practice on time, then we’ll feed him second dinner on the way home from practice. He’ll get in the door by 7:15, we’ll throw him in the shower and then he’ll have dessert/parent chat time, brush teeth and still be asleep by 8:30.
How would you tweak this? Should we give him a snack at 5 and then real dinner at 7? Kiddo is tall and lanky and very active so we really do need to get enough food into him. And for those of you who think I’m insane – Yes. But also, this is my ADHD kid who does SO WELL with outdoor sports and lots of movement. This is absolutely worth it to me at this phase in life… I would not have thought this when he was 2 but times change, lol.
Anon says
Depending on where you live relative to the activity, it probably isn’t worth dropping and going home for a ~1 hour activity anyway. My kid has lots of drop off things but I usually just bring a book and read.
For food, I think you just take your cues from him and feed him when he’s hungry (although maybe if you’re trying to get calories in him it’s a different story). I’ve been surprised by how many things offer kids snacks these days, so you may need to bring less food than you think. On Thursdays my kid has an activity from 4:30-6:30 and gets a snack (that we provide) in school in the late afternoon, then a second snack at aftercare and then a third snack at the activity. It’s kind of ridiculous IMO and she doesn’t really eat dinner that day.
This might be controversial but if he’s doing well in school I think you can let the homework slide or do more of it on the non-activity nights.
NYCer says
+1 re homework. I personally wouldn’t enforce 20 min of reading on the activity days, but would try to do a few extra minutes of reading on the weekends.
Clementine says
Thanks, and yeah – normally I would let it just… totally go. But kid is a negotiator and very bright. If we let homework slide once, it will forever be an issue because he’s realized that it’s not actually essential.
And oddly, our stuff is minimal snacks – which is fine with me. My kid gets a snack in the morning at school (which we pack) and then eats lunch at 1:30 and then has a snack when he gets off the bus.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t think this is insane, other than the homework expectations for 2nd grade! Honestly, I’d give him more time to chill than worry about homework, especially if he’s reading well enough for grade level. The first dinner at 5 and something on the way home sounds right to me. Quick shower when he gets home, then bedtime routine. He might pass out earlier than 8:30, which will lead to more sleep, which is always good! Our 8 year olds sound similar, and I think this is what we would do too.
Clementine says
Thank you!! And yes, he’s actually a kid who’s constantly reading so that’s never an issue. I specified that to say that it’s 20 minutes of actual worksheets + the reading because I’ve had teachers who say ’20 minutes a night’ but it’s often JUST reading. This teacher’s 20 minutes is before reading and studying for spelling… which means that it’s actually more like 45 minutes of active work for parents with kids…
The meal timing is what has husband a little puzzled because he doesn’t want to have kid feeling sick running around after a big meal. And for me… I’ve spent so much time and effort helping my kids develop these super healthy relationships with food and eating, I’m hesitant to be like ‘I don’t care whether you’re hungry or not, you’re eating.’
Anonymous says
I mean you can’t have it all though. If you want to sign your kid up for this time slot of sports, you’re going to need to tell him what time dinner is. He can’t just have dinner at 6:15 because that’s when it calls to him.
Boston Legal Eagle says
45 min of hw for 2nd grade is crazy to me and certainly not essential (per your above comment)! I don’t think my kid is even focusing on spelling at the moment. Again, if he’s reading fine and getting through math, I wouldn’t worry about it. Does the teacher actually check and mark for this? And I’m usually a rule follower, but I’ve come to be pretty against any hw beyond reading in the early elementary years.
For the food, maybe try it out with the full meal a couple of times, and a protein bar or other big snack other times, and see what works better. Our dinners would be something like pb&j and fruits/crackers, so I don’t think my kid would get too full!
Anonymous says
An hour is enough time for a kid that age to digest before running around.
Anon says
+1 yeah I feel like kids are less affected by this than adults. My daughter’s school has recess right after lunch and they all go crazy running around right after eating and it doesn’t seem to cause any problems. An hour should be plenty of time to digest.
Anonymous says
What time does your kid wake up? Mine usually does his reading homework in the morning, but he’s an early riser.
DLC says
Our 12 year old has a 6pm practice and we eat dinner as a family at 5:15-5:450, and she’s out the door at 5:55 for practice. She gets out of school at 3:00pm and is home by 3:30, so she’s usually hungry enough for dinner by 5:15pm.
octagon says
Does practice end at 7:30 or earlier? You mention that you could get home by 7:15 but that won’t work if practice goes to 7:30.
You might think about whether he actually needs first/second dinners or whether one of those could be a substantial snack like a protein bar with fruit. My 9yo often eats a protein bar en route to a 6 pm practice and is fine until dinner afterwards. Alternately, think about whether you can add protein in any form to the dessert (even like mixing protein powder to pudding or something) to help keep him full overnight.
Also, you know your kid best but what if he came home and the chill time was actually quiet reading time for 20 minutes, followed up with the homework? Then any time that was left after that become playtime – more motivation to finish homework because playtime is after, rather than risking not being done with homework when it’s time to get ready and go.
Clementine says
Oh my god, you’re right. I’ve been thinking there’s plenty of time after practice for dinner/shower but husband has been like ‘IDK if there is’.
It’s because mentally I keep thinking he’s getting home at 7:15… when really he’s getting home at 7:45. Genuinely, thank you! I was talking this through with husband over coffee and couldn’t figure out why he kept telling me he thought it was ‘not enough time’ to eat after…
Cb says
We only have 1 activity night, but go from aftercare to activity, so I pack a flask of soup or pasta, a jug of milk, and some veggies. And when he comes home, he typically has a yoghurt and banana.
How early does he get up? Would he be amenable to morning reading? That homework volume is rubbish.
Anon says
I think 7:45 home –> 8:30 bedtime is doable depending on the kid. We get home from some activities at 7:15 and have 8 pm bedtime and that includes eating.
anon says
Can the 20 minutes of reading be done before bed? That’s not a terrible way to wind down the day. That also only leaves about 20 minutes of homework between 3:45-5 PM, which seems totally reasonable.
My kid would totally want a real dinner at 5 PM and then a heavy snack at 7 PM.
Clementine says
Putting it as 20 minutes of homework between 3:45-5 seems reasonable. And yeah – the reading is actually fine… like I replied above it’s mostly because I’m annoyed that this teacher says ’20 minutes’ but the norm is that 20 minutes is often reading/studying for spelling/talking about what they did at school and this teacher is like ‘here are your 3 worksheets plus don’t forget your reading and here’s 15 spelling words you should be drilling your children on nightly!’
Fwiw, she’s a nice, very experienced, very kind teacher but also a terrible fit for my kid…
Anonymous says
She’s expecting what, 40 minutes of focus on learning? You’re making time for 90 of sports. There is time in his day for 20 minutes of worksheets and some reading.
Anon says
I don’t think this is really a fair comment because most of the school day is learning, so it’s much more than 40 minutes per day spent on school work. I think it’s ok to prioritize movement and socialization in the evenings at this age, assuming the child isn’t falling behind.
octagon says
Another thought – can your kid get the aggregate amount expected over the week without doing it on those days? Like do 30 minutes each day on Thursday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday? That won’t work if there’s a reading log expectation, but if it’s just to keep up with reading, then that’s an alternative approach.
Clementine says
Actually – and I should have said this before but I am mostly just annoyed about the volume of homework we have to do – kid is a voracious reader who actually has to have books taken away at breakfast so he’ll eat and reads in the car, in his room, etc. Reading is fine.
Anonymous says
I guess I’m just not getting it then. It’s 20 minutes?if he’s already doing reading on his own?
Anonymous says
This doesn’t honestly seem very hard? He has plenty of time for homework before an early dinner and can eat a granola bar in the car on the way home, then shower and get into bed and read. And idk that this is a magical au pair? Taking care of the kids in the afterschool hours is like their baseline job.
Clementine says
Thank you! This is our first year when sports practices are like… every day? This is all on top of our other 2 kids and all their activities and obligations.
And… au pair is actually magical for other reasons… I mean, for one, she somehow got my 3 year old to stop shrieking when she needed something and calmly say ‘pardon me, I would really appreciate some milk please’ rather than just shrieking ‘MILKKKKK!’ Similarly, she convinced the kids that cleaning up their toys to electronic dance music made it ‘super fun’?? Thus, I shall refer to her as magical au pair.
Anonymous says
+1. This seems very relaxed in terms of sports schedules.
Anonymous says
We do a lot of one parent drops off, other parent picks up. This avoids waiting around and those weird short useless blocks of time between pick-up and drop-off. A 1.5-hour practice is also a good length for grocery shopping or running other errands.
I think 45 minutes is plenty of time for him to shower and get to bed if you feed him in the car on the way home. If he needs additional wind-down time let him read in bed for 20 minutes starting at 8:30 and as a bonus you’ve knocked off the required reading for school.
Clementine says
Thank you! Also, loving the idea of keeping some protein bars around…
Anon says
Reference: I have a 2nd grader and older. Agreed with your assessment that homework should be done immediately after getting home from school, I would not refer to it as chill time but homework time. While I agree that’s a lot for second grade, I also personally agree with the hesitancy to introduce the idea that this is optional, which could come back and haunt you. In a pinch, agreed the 20 mins of reading can be done right before bed if the schedule is interrupted for any reason, so I would have kid start with the non reading homework every day.
I would do real dinner at 5ish like normal, and just a hearty ready made snack (protein bar etc) on the way home if they need it. I think this whole second dinner description/expectation will get old quick (not sure how involved you mean that to be).
Just curious about the hesitancy to drop off at sports practice at first? If it helps to know, we’ve been fully dropping off our second grader/not staying at practices for well over a year and a half now. The holy grail will be to try to find parents on the team you can fully carpool with every week so you are getting some ways/nights off. I think this is an easy ask/intro since it helps everyone involved! Although I realize that doesn’t help your scheduling question per se.
Clementine says
So previously we’ve just dropped off at practice – soccer, specifically. We’ll eventually do that but our first few events (like, free clinics) we showed up planning on dropping off and all the parents were like… chillin? So eventually we’ll drop off but for now it seems like we’ll just alternate if we need to.
Note that the parent logistics is earlier, it’s the kid logistics that somehow seems harder… Realizing now that the reason husband and I were talking past each other is that I keep thinking he’ll somehow be home at 7:15 from a practice that ends at 7:30… THANK YOU OCTAGON!!
Anonymous says
It really depends on the activity, no? In my experiences dance, rock climbing, tennis and karate tend to be drop offs. Although possibly stay for first day. Figure skating, soccer, and hockey are parents stay. It would been seen as odd to leave and kid would be only one without a parent.
Anon says
I was a competitive figure skater and my parents didn’t stay there. Only the stage mom types watch practice. Coaches prefer parents not be there.
Anonymous says
Same for gymnastics. In general the more serious the activity gets the fewer parents stay. Once activities get to 2x/week or more, I have also noticed a huge correlation between parents staying and kids quitting. The kids who last are the ones whose parents drop them off and let it be the kid’s own thing. When logistics make it impracticable for parents to go home, the low-maintenance ones will run errands, join a gym near the activity, go for a run in the parking lot, go to the library, work on their laptops in a location where the kids can’t see them, etc.
Anonymous says
This varies. My kids are just doing the low key learn to skate program (early elementary years like Clementine’s kid) and it’s super uncommon for parents to leave. Maybe it’s too much for the teachers to help the kids off the ice and to the bathroom when they need a bathroom break? Plus they still need help getting skates on and off.
My 7th grader is just getting into the higher level/more competitive stuff and those tend to be more drop off.
Anon says
At the rinks where I’ve taught Learn to Skate the parents stayed for little kids, but by age 7-8 it was drop off.
Anon says
I would say soccer is one of the easiest and most common sports to leave for!
Anonymous says
For a kid on ADHD medications second dinner might be something of a necessity. For many kids the meds don’t wear off enough by 5:00 p.m. to allow them to be hungry enough to eat a big dinner, and they need to make up for not eating much at lunch as well. Even without sports they will often be ravenous for some nice hot substantial food around bedtime. With just a 15-minute drive you can heat something up in a glass container, stick it in an insulated lunchbox, and have it stay warm enough to eat in the car on the way home. Once a week you could go through the drive-through on the way to pickup and grab some chicken nuggets or a burger as a treat.
Anonymous says
Can he do the 20 minutes of reading to/from sports practice?
Anonymous says
If school doesn’t end until 3:45, does it start late? Can he do all this homework before school?
Our elem starts at 8 but ends at 2:30, so we have more afternoon time than morning but sounds like you are more like 9-4.
Clementine says
Yeah, their day is late… we’ve tried HW before school but it somehow just causes stress and bad days. You guys are so appreciated for brainstorming this with me!!
Like, I know this is possible, am I missing something in that husband is concerned about having enough time and I kept thinking it was fine.
Anon says
Our school starts really late (9:30) and we can’t do homework before school either. It just does not work for my kid at all.
Clementine says
Thank you all so much for talking through this! This morning, husband and I were talking about how much better kid does when he gets enough sleep and he was talking about how he was concerned that when sports start next week things will get thrown off.
I suggested switching kid from riding on the bus to getting picked up which gets us another 30-45 minutes of time at home and kept not understanding why husband didn’t think 7:15-8 was enough time for shower/food/winding down for bed/finishing up homework… The biggest thing is that it’s not 7:15, it’s 7:45 which is what husband was confused about… Going to pick up some protein bars and be happy kid likes PBJ and still be annoyed that he’s having to do 3 worksheets a night which – as a kid who speaks English as a first language and has participating adults in his life and is bright and good at math! – takes 20 minutes. Feeling lots of empathy for kids who don’t have these advantages.
Anonymous says
I just don’t get your obsession with the 20 minutes. That’s not unreasonable and there is plenty of time in his day for it.
Anon says
I think her point is that while it’s 20 minutes for her family, it could be a lot more for other families and that’s kind of burdensome.
I think the point about non-native English speakers is particularly valid. Several of my close friends are not native English speakers and although they’re super smart (many have PhDs) it takes them a lot longer for them to work through early elementary school homework because they’re reading it in their second language.
Clementine says
Yeah, it’s a lot – consensus is that it’s more like what most 5th graders have than what most 2nd graders have. And spot on that my kid has advantages and is bright and it’s taking him 20 minutes so many families it’s more like an hour. It’s not enrichment, it’s repetition.
It’s a common complaint about this particular teacher. She’s really really good at catching kids up who have fallen behind, but kids who are bright are often very very bored in her class and she does give a lot of homework.
Anonymous says
This is par for the course in our public school system all the way through high school. Rote repetition and busy work, no real learning. Get used to it.
Anonymous says
Ok but you don’t need to solve every family’s issues to figure out how to do a sports practice.
Anonymous says
Haven’t read all the responses but I would have au pair do the 20 mins of active work.
Plan an easy dinner for the activity nights (pasta and meat sauce, chili from slow cooker), so it’s a quick eat. Put a smoothie in a travel mug. Smoothie with full fat high protein greek yoghurt. Activity then kid can have smoothie in the car on the way home and head to bed/shower as soon as they come in the door.
Double up on reading on the non-activity nights if needed. Skip it on activity nights other than reading a bedtime story to the kid. You don’t need to punch the clock. The habit is reading frequently not 15 mins vs 20 mins etc.
Anon says
AITA? DH is the oldest of four children, and his whole family is local. We are the only one with kids so far (we have a 2yo). In-laws really like to schedule family events in a way that doesn’t work for our family. For example, they like to have Friday night dinner, but to accommodate BIL’s job, it starts at 7-8pm. My kid goes to bed at 7:30. MIL has suggested keeping him up a bit later and then putting him to bed in the guest room, but honestly this is a recipe for meltdowns and we either have to wake him up at 10pm and transfer to the car, or let him sleep there and pick him up in the morning. I have done that on occasion for important holidays, but it’s just a hassle for a random Friday night. This weekend, they planned an Easter lunch at 12 on Sunday. That’s nap time for my kid. Every time, we politely decline, saying oh that won’t work for us, have fun. DH is always the messenger, but MIL clearly thinks I’m too inflexible with the schedule and using it as an excuse to avoid them (and if I’m completely honest DH may be more inclined to bend the schedule than I am, but he has also acknowledged it’s a recipe for a cranky kid).
I used to think I would be the kind of parent who always goes with the flow and isn’t a prisoner of the schedule, but then I had a child who does better with structure and sleep. And I’m a little salty because my family (admittedly not local so we see them less) automatically work around LO’s schedule and never schedule stuff that’s not going to work for us. Brunch? Sure! Afternoon walk or early dinner? Great. But in-laws are constantly scheduling things that don’t work for us and then making comments about how they never see us. How do other people handle this?
Anonymous says
I would suggest things that do work from time to time and otherwise ignore. And if your husband wants to, he can go alone to Friday night dinner.
Anon OP says
I’ve suggested he go alone, but no that’s sad, they want to see LO…
Anon says
I don’t think you’re an AH, but I’m with your husband that some flexibility with schedules can be important for family bonding and is not the end of the world for (most) kids to bend the schedule on occasion. And honestly it will make great memories for your kid as they get older to talk about the time they fell asleep on the floor at grandma’s at 9 pm or whatever.
Anon OP says
Yeah, I am wondering if I need to be more flexible, which I guess is why I was posting this morning. He would have had a crappy nap at grandmas, but we would have survived. I just wish they would sometimes schedule things that are easier for us. I’ve tried to say oh we would love to, but could we come by a bit earlier so LO can hang out before naptime? And there is always some reason that won’t work.
Anon says
I hear you, that does sound annoying. I think especially since you currently have the only grandkid it’s frustrating that they don’t make more effort to accommodate your schedule. But if other people start having kids, it will at some point likely be literally impossible to accommodate every kid’s nap schedule and there’s something to be said for dealing with a bit of crankiness in exchange for family togetherness.
Anon says
If others start having kids, 8 pm Friday and a noon start Sunday are going to still pretty universally not good times for any of the younger cousin’s sleep. And the older cousins won’t be napping anymore.
Anon says
Noon is good for babies on two naps, or at least was good for my kids when they were infants. My experience having a baby and toddler at the same time was that they were pretty much on opposite nap schedules.
Anonymous says
My kids were on an early afternoon nap for years. It was the main nap at their daycare right until they went to the 4 year old room. My parents shifted Christmas dinner from 1pm to 5pm to accommodate us. We went over at 3:30pm and stay to 7:30pm. So we had the morning to ourselves, nap time when we cleaned up and got dressed, then dinner at my parents. DH’s parents were big Christmas eve people so we did dinner with them on the 24th.
Anonymous says
Be flexible for holidays if you want to be, maybe monthly. Hold the line for weekly activities that cause issues for you. If they want to see the LO, they can change the schedule up or visit on the weekend at a different time. Compromise is a two-way street.
Anon says
+1 For regular Friday night dinners, it’s totally understandable (to me) to stand firm on bedtime. Go visit with kid beforehand and leave husband to eat, perhaps.
But for a once a year holiday like Easter, I would be flexible. Plan a car nap and an earlier bedtime that day.
Anon says
But there are tons of once a year events (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, all the holidays, everyone in the extended family birthdays, etc etc) and it sounds like they are doing this for most things. I could see the ILs making this argument without seeing that bigger picture. Next thing you know almost every weekend is just about disrupted. Not saying you’re wrong but I also think that’s not totally fair to OP.
Anon says
Ok, so pick the 5 that are really special. For me birthdays don’t count. (It’s a little nonsense that adults expect people to revolve around their birthday, anyway). I understand it could be a slippery slope, but there is a balance between always being flexible and always being rigid.
For people who say kids get older and it’s easier — for a short time, then there’s sports schedules and huge homework loads and friends’ events that are even harder to work around than a nap
Anon says
Yeah, in my experience the parents who are super rigid about their 2 year olds’ schedules do not get less rigid as the kids age. Also bedtimes don’t get much later than 8 pm for a long time, my 6 year old is still in bed at 8 every night (although we can push it back for a special event). And I think bedtime is actually more important once they’re in school. I had no qualms about sending my kid to daycare tired, or letting her sleep in and go to daycare mid-morning but for public school we have to wake her on time and as she gets older it will only be more important that she’s well-rested and ready to learn.
Anon says
But at two they will have no memories of this. Fourish or later? Sure, and then the bedtime and nap time have also mostly solved themselves. I think nuances can get lost here on what a big difference one or two years can make for a question like this.
Anon says
I’m aware a 2 year old is different than a 4 year old, and won’t retain memories. It was more of a suggestion for the future, since this seems to be a big picture issue that isn’t going to have a tidy solution any time soon. Other people having kids might help resolve the late dinners, but would make weekend scheduling more complicated since babies nap times are often completely different from toddler naptimes.
Anonymous says
We had this problem until we spent a long weekend at their house, so that they could experience for themselves how bad it is to have a cranky over-tired toddler. They’ve been more accommodating since then. Also, it helps that it appears that none of the other adult siblings will be having kids any time soon, so we have the only grandkid — if they want to see the grandkid, they need to do it on a schedule that works for us.
NYCer says
I would skip Friday dinners that start at 8pm without any guilt. Can your husband go to the Friday night dinners without you and your son? And then maybe you could invite his parents over on a weekend morning or afternoon when it works better for your schedule.
Re Easter, since it was a holiday, I probably would have gone and let my kid try to nap at their house or skip nap and be cranky later. You didn’t mention church, so assuming his parents didn’t go to church in the morning, you could have shown up closer to 11 and let the grandparents have some time with your son before the “party” started.
Anon OP says
They weren’t going to church, but when I suggested coming earlier, I was told that wouldn’t work because they are busy cooking. Which I get, sort of, because I don’t like people hovering when I cook, but also, if they want to see their grandson, I wish they would accommodate us a little.
anon says
We were the first on both sides of our families to have kids and went through this. No one seemed to have any understanding of kid sleep schedules and loved to invite us to long, late dinners (think X-mas dinner from 7:30-10 PM) or events in the middle of nap time. Either we went and our kids melted down, or we skipped. In either case we were criticized and our parenting discussed in a negative way. Nothing fixed it. Eventually our kids got bigger and are more flexible, so this isn’t as much of an issue. Of course, now we’re criticized for other parenting things. So fun.
Clementine says
Not the first to have kids, but… SAME. Like, ‘oh, you’re inviting us over for dinner at 5:30 which would be fine but then we show up and nothing is ready and you haven’t started cooking so we end up eating at 7:30 and you’re going to be critical that my kids aren’t eating because it’s 30 minutes past their bedtime? Or you’re going to talk about how poorly behaved my kids are because we skipped their nap and are in a totally non-kid friendly setting?
Sure, sure.
anon says
Yup. We would show up at 5:30 with a hungry 3 yo only to find out that dinner will be at 7:30. Then MIL insists that I not feed the 3 yo so she won’t ruin her dinner. Yeah, so many 3 yos can make it two hours without food at dinner time and into bedtime. Apparently I just “don’t know how to discipline her.” Ugh.
This fortunately got better when my SIL had a kid and *miraculously* the schedule became more kid friendly.
anon says
I am having terrible flashbacks reading OP’s post and this one, too. Yep, all the solidarity and sympathy. One of my kids (the one who ended up having ADHD, natch) did NOT do well when he was thrown off schedule. I mean, it was guaranteed meltdowns during the event, after, and usually the next day, too. And of course those relatives aren’t the ones who have to deal with it, but they sure do judge.
Anonymous says
Same, same. Sorry to say we solved this by hosting everything, which is its own drama, but at least my kids are all in their own space. They are much older now and I’ve been hosting every family event for the past ~13 years or so but tbh I still prefer it.
Anonymous says
This only works if the parents are willing to give up the control of hosting. My parents were not so we skipped when they wouldn’t accommodate or flex at all.
Anon says
I don’t know if this makes us *right* or not, but I am 100% with you on this. Before kids I ALSO would never have thought I’d be a strict bedtime nap schedule person, and we ended up being probably the strictest of the strict about it. 8 pm dinner time with a two year old in tow? Lololol not a chance, even if they could “sleep” there.
The way we figured it: 1) we had really good sleepers and while I think it was likely mostly luck, on the off chance it was because of our strict schedules we were not about to mess with that good thing we had going regarding this most important part of life for anyone, 2) I always looked at it like, it was so not fair for our kid. Like to ask our very young kids to not do their nap I likened to asking me to do something anew at 1 am. It just doesn’t work. 3) our kids just weren’t great portable sleepers, (I mean, they would be on vacation, but not random night at someone else’s house where there are a ton of people hanging out), and even if they were there is still the guarantee you have to majorly disrupt their sleep to get them home as you mentioned, 4) if you start making exceptions there will *always* be something you can make an exception for, and 5) secretly, we needed that nap downtime and early bed almost as much as our kid half the time. These don’t last forever, savor them.
Not to say we never in life made exceptions, but they were very few and far between and not driven by someone else’s random demands of our time. This will end up being a short time in your life, one day when they are out of naps you can schedule with abandon. I do agree you should try to organize a few things on your own terms so it doesn’t seem personal.
Anon says
Maybe your point 4 explains this, but I’ve always wondered about this reasoning — if your kids are good sleepers, shouldn’t that allow you to be more flexible on really important/unique occasions? Meaning, you can count on a good night’s sleep 360 days a year, so why not suck it up for the other 5 days when it’s a holiday or other big event? I don’t doubt at all that your schedule helps, but wouldn’t your kids go back to that schedule the next day?
I am a person with kids who don’t sleep well no matter what we do, and I’m always a little salty when my sister says she can’t ever be flexible because she’s afraid of a night of bad sleep. That’s my whole life!
Anon says
I had naturally good sleepers and it was definitely a reason for flexibility in our case – we knew we could mess things up for one day without totally derailing sleep. My friends who had to do all kinds of sleep training were understandably more nervous about messing up their routine.
Anon says
I’m who you are responding to and I think you are right, # 4is why. We’re a few years removed now but my memory is that we were constantly turning down things, leaving things early, etc etc. so I would just be afraid of exception creep and then all of a sudden we don’t have good sleepers anymore. At that stage we were still just so mentally taxed (even with good sleep; full time jobs and babies and such), to sit and figure out and discuss etc whether each thing was important enough or not to be those hypothetical 5 times a year was almost too much, we just both tended to think it was easier to just have an (almost) blanket approach. No regrets, it was in the grand scheme a short period of time and now with elementary kids we are very, very flexible.
Anon says
This is where landed and how we roll, with exceptions here and there but not for a regular Friday dinner like OP has posted. My oldest is 6, so I’ve definitely seen how flexible things get once kids are 4-5 compared to 0-3.
I definitely thought I’d be more “go with the flow” on schedule pre-kids, but I’ve seen how well my kids (and…all of us) do with a routine and plenty of sleep/rest/downtime. Maybe that’ll change as everyone gets older, but I like it as a guardrail.
Anonymous says
Everyone needs to give a little. If brunch is at 12, ask for 11 or 1. If they can’t flex, then let them know you’ll be there but have to leave early / arrive late. Adjust the map at home a little.
Betsy says
Are you making suggestions for times that would work for you, or just saying no? Like for the brunch, if you told them that noon wouldn’t work but you could be there for 1, would they have said “great, we’ll hold the meal until then!” or would they have been completely inflexible? For these Friday dinners, would they be open to serving a toddler dinner and adult apps at a reasonable meal time, and then you could leave in time for kiddo’s bedtime? I wonder if they assume you’re using scheduling as an excuse to say no, so they aren’t offering an alternative but would be totally open to it if asked.
Anon OP says
I definitely feel like I’ve tried to suggest alternatives. For Friday dinner, they don’t want to do it earlier because BIL works late. I find it a little odd that they accommodate BIL every time. I think everyone else also likes it later so they’re not rushing, and I get it, my pre-kids self would have been fine with that. We can come by earlier to say hi and we’ve done that, but it’s weird to leave literally as everyone is arriving so then we end up “trapped” there and honestly it’s annoying. For Easter day lunch, I asked if we could do 11 instead (we could have pushed back the nap a bit and done 11-1) but they said no, they need time to cook. So I don’t really feel like they are meeting us in the middle. We do occasionally do things we suggest – breakfast, a nice afternoon walk, or even dinner at our house (where I can put LO to bed no problem, and I’m happy to cook) but honestly they like to be in control of the situation most of the time.
anon says
Your ILs suck, at least in this regard.
Anonymous says
Go to friday dinner. Tell them you can make it 5:30-7 and you might miss BIL but they can visit grandkiddo. If your DH wants to stay late, take 2 cars.
Vicky Austin says
With this context, you are not the AH.
Cerulean says
If you have two cars, I would go to dinner early to visit, then peace out with the toddler. Husband can stay behind.
Anonymous says
We had the first grandchild on both sides so all the empathy for having to be the ones to get the grandparents used to little kid schedules. Generally, we flexed for holidays and stuck to our schedule for every day. So for Easter brunch, I would have tried putting baby down early for nap, and then shown up at 1-1:30ish. At least in my family, an invitation for 12 means 1pm before we eat.
For Friday dinners I would go over at like 6:45pm and leave at 7:45/8pm (depending on how far a drive). Possibly have DH stay at least half the times. Then you get a bit of time to yourself after baby is in bed.
How you convey info matters a lot. “We can’t wait to see you on Friday!”, “Needs to sleep well on Friday or we have long cranky weekend ahead of us”, “will be great when kiddo is a bit bigger and can stay longer”
Just because relatives are unhappy doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. When visiting DH’s family, sometimes we would take baby out for a walk and do a stroller nap. Bring the baby monitor and park the stroller on the rear deck after they fall asleep. Not sure if that’s an option for you.
Anon says
an 8pm dinner is not a time that works for small children. at 2 my kids were in bed by 7 and that is not something i’d compromise on at all. we also had twins so schedule was essential to maintain sanity. for the Easter lunch, that is a one off thing where maybe i’d be more inclined to start nap later that day, or like go for half and hour and then leave. my friend does weekly friday night dinners with her entire extended family and all the kiddos…but it starts at 5:30.
Spirograph says
NTA, but Easter lunch is something I’d make a schedule exception and deal with the crankiness for. I’m with you on random Friday night dinners. I think you need to make a good faith effort for major holidays and events, and otherwise offer suggestions that would work for you when you don’t want to accept the original invitation.
“oh no, we can’t do late dinner this week. maybe we could come over earlier and visit with everyone before dinner, but head home by 7 to get LO to bed? We’d love to see you all, but LO is just a monster with sleep disruptions right now.”
Anonymous says
For a regular, weekly, Friday night dinner at 8pm – I would skip that because that’s annoying to deal with bed time. In that situation, with my family (who is local), I would go after our toddler goes to bed maybe 1x a month, and maybe 1x every 6 weeks we’d get a babysitter after bed time and I’d go to the dinner and my husband would go out with friends.
For something like Easter, Mother’s Day, etc. which is more of a special occasion, I just work around the party structure. That works in different ways for me. For Easter, my 18 month old son napped in the car (11-11:45) on the way there, cat napped on the way home and went to bed early because he was really tired from not doing his normal 12-2 nap. If my parents are hosting, I’ll go a little early (e.g., 11) and then he will nap upstairs at my parents from 12:-1:30 (shorter than normal) so we can enjoy the party without chasing him around, then he comes back down after his nap.
But it sounds like I more flexible with naps than you generally, as we like to do a lot of outings as a family which requires some flexibility on naps more broadly.
Anon says
Not the AITA. When this type of scenario would pop up with our toddler, I also questioned if I was not flexible enough when my MIL would suggest late evening times to meet without regard to our schedule with our young kid (now kids).
In the last year or two my FIL’s (MIL’s spouse to be clear) neurological disorder has continued to decline and now late evening events are problematic for him too. They mess with his routine and the poor guy starts to have sun-downers. For some reason, MIL and others will still try to schedule late evening meals that include him and our kids. I suspect to try to give themselves more time to prepare. I’ve learned to say no or just leave early so that I can try to push the schedule to something that accommodates our kids and him.
Anon says
Counterpoint: While I don’t think you’re being an AH, I’d suggest two things. First, you’re getting an offer to put kid to bed on Fridays at their house and pick him up the next morning?? Please say yes and sleep in on Saturday! Second, to the point that he’s 2 and won’t remember these experiences until he’s 4? I disagree. My children have very strong relationships with grandparents that have been built on being together from day 1 (ok day 5?). Your 4 year old is not suddenly going to have a strong relationship with grandma if you don’t throw them together before that. It’s absolutely fine to determine that it’s not a priority for your family. Just pointing out this reasoning is not sound.
Anonymous says
Agree with all of this.
Anon says
I think it’s a big leap to say the previous comments were suggesting no relationship with the grandparents until age 4 vs them not forcing and having fond memories of these 8 pm Friday dinners. There has to be a a middle ground.
Agreed to the sleepover point.
Anon says
I think the point is that early bonding is a real thing, even if people don’t have specific clear memories of age 2.
anon says
I’m not reading all these replies, so sorry if it is a repeat. Something I’ve done on with late eater is that I just feed my kids at a reasonable-for-us time. So in your situation, it would look like talking to MIL and saying if you want us there, I can come with the kids at 6, and I’ll bring the kids’ dinner and feed them at 6:30. I’ll be putting them in PJs and leaving at 8. Hopefully we overlap with BIL for at least a few minutes this way. Or, can they just come to you? (kids eat at 6, adults all wait and eat when you/DH are done with kid bedtime?)FWIW, this may change much more quickly than you expect – with a 2yo I was more rigid with bedtime, now with a 4 yo we can be more flexible without it ruining the whole weekend.
Clementine says
Who else is working today and annoyed that they didn’t take the day off?
Any cute Easter stories? Anything your kids got in their baskets that you’re excited about?
Anonymous says
I am working and quite annoyed about it. My kid is on spring break and I was going to take the week off but I have to do a bunch of prep for a trip next week that someone else was supposed to have already done. If I’m lucky I should be able to take off Thursday or Friday.
Anon says
I’m working, but not too annoyed about it. It’s a regular school day in our district and I’m taking a bunch of days off this month for the eclipse, for a mom’s group trip to a spa (!!), to visit my in-laws for Passover and to cover a random teacher work day at the end of the month.
Anonymous says
Here! My kid’s school is closed so we have a babysitter while I hide in my office.
Cb says
My uni is closed but I’m working. Honestly, it’s 50% stress about my April to do list, and 50% MIL avoidance strategy.
It’s for everyone’s benefit as last night I got a bit grouchy with her because she spent last night telling me how tired she is but how she couldn’t possibly have a sleep routine (they stay up really late, have a nap sleep mid afternoon, spend all Sunday in bed, which fine if you want to be 70 and living like a college student, but don’t complain about your fatigue/stress.
But we had a fun Easter. We went to a sculpture park, where they had an easter trail and storytelling, and the world’s fanciest but also grumpiest Easter Bunny which made me laugh for ages. She clearly drew the short straw.
Anon says
What holiday is today? (Non-Christian here). We have a lot of folks OOO, and I enjoyed the lighter traffic this AM :)
Thankfully school is in today – both kids were out Friday for “Spring Holiday”. Fortunately I had family help, and actually they spent the night so had some time to do some self-care and spend quiet time with DH before the weekend.
Despite not being of the religion, we host an egg hunt annually for family/kids. I’ve been feeling swamped by life, so didn’t really organize anything ahead of time this year, and then last minute we put it together (ordered pizza, picked up eggs/candy from CVS, added a few things to our grocery delivery order, had other fam members bring additional eggs/candy) and it was…just as good, maybe even better? Also the youngest of the cousins are 2.5-3 and now mostly everyone just…plays together with adults checking in here and there…it’s a whole new level unlocked.
Anon says
It’s not a religious holiday, but it’s the Monday after Easter so lots of people who traveled for the Easter holiday are off work because they’re still visiting family or on their way home.
We’re not Christian either and don’t do any Easter stuff at home, but we attended several community egg hunts this weekend with friends, which was a lot of fun.
Anon says
Just an FYI that Easter Monday is in fact a religious holiday of some significance for Orthodox Christians and Catholics (more so than Good Friday, which is typically a bigger deal for most Protestant denominations).
Anon says
Oops, sorry! Good to know. Although I do know a lot of not very religious people who are off today just because they’re traveling home from celebrating Easter with family.
Anon says
Yes, it’s Easter Monday, but I’ll push back on the assertion that it’s bigger than Good Friday. As a devout Catholic, Good Friday is a very solemn, holy day that involves church services. Today is a feasting day, same as the rest of the Easter Octave. No church services to attend or penance to carry out
Anon says
Also, Catholics are very very into the theology of redemptive suffering and how you can’t have Easter without Good Friday. It’s why we have a crucified Christ in our churches and homes all year, vs Protestants with a plain cross.
Anonymous says
This. DH is off today because his office gets Good Friday and Easter Monday to accommodate Protestants and Catholics. He was surprised when he moved to Canada and learned that Easter Monday wasn’t a national holiday like Easter Sunday is.
OrthoAnon says
Just to add on to this from the Orthodox perspective, Easter Monday is definitely not a bigger deal than Good Friday. Good Friday is one of the most solemn and holy days of the year for us, with multiple church services that take up most of the day, while on Easter Monday we are mostly recovering from the intensity of the last few days (although in some traditions there is actually a service every morning of the week following Easter). Most people don’t even take off work unless they were traveling, although when my kids attended an Orthodox parochial school they did have the day off.
Plus, our Easter isn’t until May 5 this year, so for us, this is just another Monday… and a great time to pick up Easter candy on sale :)
Anon says
Any particular stores you recommend for on-sale Easter candy? Asking for my Jewish kid who loves the big chocolate bunnies. :)
OrthoAnon says
Hopefully this goes in the right place in the thread :) This probably depends on where you live, but I have had the best luck at Walgreens and Shoprite lately. Target is usually sold out before the holiday the past few years.
Baby hair accessory says
This feels like such a silly question, but my 1 year old’s hair is getting in her eyes. I think I need to start pulling it back but she’s in daycare so anything I put on her needs to not be a choking or strangulation hazard (either for her or for other babies if it fell out). She’s in the infant room at daycare for a few more months, so lots of little crawlers. How do I do this?
Anon says
A small ponytail on top of her head with a thin, tight elastic that will only fall out if it breaks (and therefore is not a hazard)
Anon says
+1 to the small pony tail. I would also recommend buying the “The Pony Pick”, or something similar. It’s a tool for removing elastic hair ties. It’s super helpful with a wiggly kid.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, one of those teeny-tiny elastics — use it for her bangs to make a little whale spout right on top of her head. That’s what my 2yo has; she looks like a narwhal. They really do not ever come out.
Anon says
We called our daughter’s hairstyle like this her “palm tree.” It’s still one of my favorite toddler hairstyles.
Anonymous says
I called this “baby alien.”
Anon says
This hairstyle is so cute and I love the narwhal description.
AwayEmily says
Alternatively, you could cut bangs. My first daughter had a fair bit of hair pretty early — she got her first haircut (kids salon) at age 16 months — and from then til age 3.5 (when she grew them out) she had the CUTEST little bangs and pigtails. I loved them so much.
Anonymous says
I would cut her hair. We did the standard old-fashioned short baby haircut until age 2.
Rugs says
Our living room and dining room rugs are both so gross from kids and dogs. I don’t want to spend a ton of money (see above, kids and dogs still live here) if I can help it. Is ruggable a good option? Or are the rugs flimsy and annoying since they are washable?
anon says
They aren’t flimsy, but think hard about whether you will actually wash them. Like if you have a 9×12 under your dining table, so to wash it you have to move the entire room of furniture and then take it somewhere with a big enough washer/dryer or send it out, will that actually happen? We’ve washed a smaller one and it was great, but literally never the bigger ones.
Anon says
What about a professional cleaning rather than a new rug?
OP says
It’s beyond cleaning – worn out and faded in addition to dirty
Spirograph says
These ar both good points so far. We got our dining room rug professionally cleaned once the kids were out of the intentionally-throw-food-on-thr-floor phase. it was an ordeal, but it wouldn’t have been less of an ordeal to clean a ruggable. We do have a ruggable rug in our basement family room, but it only gets washed when it’s egregiously dirty because it’s a huge PITA to move the couch and chair enough to get it out and back in position. The pad you choose for ruggable makes a big difference; we sprung for the more expensive option and while the rug itself is thin, it doesn’t feel flimsy underfoot.
Anonymous says
I would never wash the Ruggable rugs – I know myself. It’s annoying to move everything, take the cover off, etc. It’s like a rug sized duvet haha.
I just don’t have a rug in our dining room right now so it’s easy to clean the floor. Not sure if that’s an option for you.
Living room rug I would just replace. My maintenance routine, which seems to work pretty well, is that I regular vacuum our living room and dining room on MWF, and on Sunday and Thursday I run a combination vacuum/mop over the floors INCLUDING the living room rug (I have the Bissel version). I spot treat the rug immediately after spills with the Bissel little green steam cleaner as needed (I just keep it ready to go in the closet and clean the tank out once a week ). I promise I’m not an ad for Bissel – just sharing the products, there are plenty of similar options from other brands.
Anon says
I find the larger ruggable rugs to be pretty annoying to wash. Depending on what style of carpet you want, as long as you can get them with a waterproof backing you can shampoo/spot clean with water in place. I do this sometimes with my ruggables. I also have a custom carpet made by a carpet store (like wall to wall carpet, many of these stores have selections meant for area rugs) that I can also use the carpet shampooer on without ruining the wood floor. It was very affordable compared to similar size rugs.
anon. says
We have old wool antique rugs we bought on ebay and one Ruggable. I *hated* the Ruggable, it looked terrible, and after a year we got rid of it and got a used wool rug for $120 on ebay. No, they aren’t washable, but they’re made to stand the test of time and I am now a convert to them in every room. A good design hides a lot, too.
Anon says
Any tips for what to look for when buying a rug off eBay? I am also interested in wool rugs but the nice ones are out of my price range for what will inevitably happen to it.
Anonymous says
Buy vintage (real vintage) on Etsy. Vintage rugs hold up way better than modern ones and can hide so much. I don’t know exactly how or why but it’s like magic. Our entryway rug is vintage and I’m constantly amazed at how it just disappears everything.
Anonymous says
This. if you live near a decent sized city, there are likely a few rug stores around, and IME the proprietors are usually very happy to talk your ear off about materials, manufacturing methods, and how these impact durability. They’ll have a lot of both new and pre-owned rugs. It took us hours in multiple shops to pick ours out, but no regrets. Our dining room rug is a pretty busy, traditional “oriental” pattern in a mix of blues, wine/burgundy, and tan, and it hides EVERYTHING. One corner of it gets very high traffic compared to the rest due to the layout of our house, but it’s been 10 years and the difference in wear and tear is negligible.
Anon says
Is it too early to talk Mother’s Day plans? Especially curious about how those of you with local moms or MILs balance your celebration with theirs since this is my first Mother’s Day with a local mom. My mom is a huge help with my kids, which I really appreciate, and of course I’m grateful that she’s here and healthy, but she can be difficult and we don’t have a whole lot in common and I’m having a hard time coming up with anything that sounds fun for both of us.
Clementine says
My personal preference is that I have a nice morning with my kids and then get to do something by myself all afternoon. Kids and husband then bring flowers/a hanging basket to MIL and bring her to lunch/brunch/tea/I don’t care because she’s actually happy to just see her son and grand babies.
One year I did a long run while he brought MIL to brunch, this year I might do that or maybe I’ll see if I can book a massage.
Anonymous says
Our routine is usually that the morning is mine and we see my parents in the evening. DH and the kids bring me breakfast in bed then DH usually takes them out for a hike or something for a couple hours while I take a hot quiet bath. DH brings back take out for lunch. DH’s mom is not local so we send flowers, drawings by the kids and a gift then facetime in the early afternoon. My dad BBQs for dinner. DH brings dessert and helps my dad do any dishes.
Every year I get my mom flowers and chocolates for the day of and then I take her out for lunch and pedicures on a day later in the month. She likes this routine/time with me and it avoids having to find a gift every year.
Anon says
this might sound awful but one thing that was nice about covid was i got mother’s day to myself. my twins’ first birthday was the day before motehrs day so my parents came for that, which i was glad bc it was also my mother’s last mother’s day (she passed away 9 months later) and i was glad to spend it with her. age 2 was Covid, age 3 my dad was visiting, age 4 my dad was visiting and everyone was sick, last year we had it to ourselves again and this year my dad will be here. if i were you i’d go to brunch or dinner at a restaurant that includes your mom and do the rest with your DH and kids. i’m outing myself here, but our whole family has May birthdays with the kids’ bday being very close to mother’s day, so we try to find another day to celebrate
Anon OP says
Sorry for your loss <3
We have the same issue because I also have a birthday that sometimes falls on Mother's Day. So it's often a double celebration for me, but also I know that my mom always got shafted on MD when I was a kid because kid birthdays trump everything around them and I feel like I should make it up to her now.
Anony says
My last two Mother’s Days kind of sucked (first we had an extended family health crisis, and then we were super sick) and I would really like to make it up to myself this year. My husband will be away, and I think I want to take my kiddo on a weekend trip just the two of us, where we can meet up with friends. I don’t want to go to a restaurant on Mother’s Day for brunch, so I’m thinking a fun dinner on Saturday instead. I would invite my mom (also the very kind and helpful but can be difficult type, but we are able to have fun together), but she is going to a wedding that weekend.
Vicky Austin says
I want the same thing I wanted last year and will want every year: a picnic with my husband and kiddo, and a hot bath by myself.
No advice for you re local moms. I’m of the opinion that those of us who are currently in the thick of it with little kids get first priority on the day and grandmas can be next, but I understand that’s not always realistic when you have a difficult mom or MIL.
OOO says
I send a nice gift to my mom and MIL but don’t usually see them that day. I go out to brunch with DH and DS then go to the spa and shopping solo.
I am thinking of inviting ILs to join us for brunch this year and then they can hang out with DH and DS for the rest of the day while I do my own thing.
AwayEmily says
My Mother’s Day plan will be the same as always (and the same as my husband’s Father’s Day plans) — “1950s Dad For The Day.” The non-celebrating spouse does ALL the planning and logistics for the day — figuring out meals, packing snacks, deciding on a fun place to go, diaper changes, dealing with any meltdowns, cleaning up the house at the end of the day. The celebrating spouse (ie the 1950s dad) gets to have all the fun parts with none of the hassle. I generally also request that the day include an opportunity for me to drink beer outside, which is one of my favorite activities.
Re: local moms — my mom is local and I try to take her out for a nice lunch or dinner (without my kids) the following weekend to celebrate. We’re not super intense about celebrating holidays on the Actual Day, so it’s fine by her.
Anonymous says
No plans yet. I always feel shafted every year by the weather at Mother’s Day. In my Midwest neck of the woods, it is always cold and rainy. And then Father’s Day is hot and beautiful, and DH gets to do all of his favorite activities in the nice weather. Every year I say I’m going to ask to observe Mother’s Day in June instead of May. Maybe this year, I’ll actually do that.
anon says
Another Midwesterner here, and I AGREE. Sometimes Mother’s Day is nice, but just as often, it’s cold and rainy and gross.
Anonymous says
Also in the Midwest and I much prefer Mother’s Day weather! I absolutely hate the heat and humidity that’s descended on us by late June. But I think asking your husband to delay your celebration is totally reasonable.
SC says
I haven’t made Mother’s Day plans yet. This is also my first Mother’s Day with my mom being local, as my parents just moved to our area. DH’s mom and step-mom (who has been very involved in his life since he was 9) are also local. Aaand, just for fun, DH’s birthday and my niece’s birthday are the same weekend.
It’s usually insane for us, and if I get anything at all, it’s because I convince DH to take DS to his mom’s house for a couple of hours in the morning. If we don’t have a kid’s birthday party to attend.
Jellybean says
Has any tried Honeylove bras and recommend (not not)? They seem like exactly what I’m looking for as someone still wearing nursing bras 3.5 years after my only was born (lift without underwire, supposedly no bra bulge), but a bit pricy and the their digital marketing presence makes me question whether they’re the real deal. Would love to know if anyone here has tried them. Thanks!
Anonymous says
I have not tried Honeylove, but I do recommend Evelyn and Bobbie for a similar type of product.
Anon says
Hahaha, I’m getting the same digital marketing and am so curious too!
HSAL says
I highly recommend the Bravado non-nursing bra that’s just like their nursing bras, as well as the Sugar Candy basic bra. Haven’t tried Honeylove, didn’t like Evelyn & Bobbie.
Anonymous says
Anyone have thoughts on prebiotic drinks in pregnancy (like Poppi, Wildwonder, etc.). I have been enjoying them as a special drink instead of a cocktail/wine, but wanted to check if there might be any contraindications (I’m not pregnant yet but TTC).
Anon says
Fizzy drinks (like La Croix) give me really terrible, painful gas during pregnancy. Have not tried prebiotic drinks specifically, but I have found that a lot of things that you think will be fine when you are pregnant just make you feel awful. Really sugary drinks also tend to have a pretty extreme effect on me while pregnant. I feel really jittery etc. (Did not have gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy, haven’t gotten there yet with my second.) YMMV
Anon says
Currently pregnant and have long had IBS-type symptoms and issues. I’m focusing on probiotics from food (kefir, sauerkraut, yogurt) because my gastroenterologist emphasized that with supplements being unregulated in the U.S., probiotics may be too big a risk because they may introduce harmful bacteria. I’m not sure if the drink you’re describing is considered a food or a supplement (or if it’s different for prebiotics), but something to keep in mind.
Anonymous says
Not pregnant, but I avoid those drinks because of the ultraprocessed “prebiotic” fiber and the fake sugar. For a special drink without fake ingredients I really like the Trader Joe’s lemon elderflower soda or the Pellegrino Pompelmo (grapefruit) soda.
Anon says
+1 I am pregnant and I avoid because of the Stevia. I know it’s “safe”, but so was aspartame, sucralose, etc. until the next best thing came along. Once in a while is probably fine, but I stay away from artificial sweeteners in general, and especially when pregnant. (I am intrigued by Poppi though, and will probably try one just to see after I deliver. But I expect it to be disgustingly too sweet, like most Stevia products)
Anon says
+1. Artificial sweeteners cause GI upset at the best of times. Not worth it to me pregnant.
Anon says
I drank them. I didn’t drink say some rando’s home brewed kombucha, but I was comfortable with store bought drinks.
Dishwasher Recs? says
Can anyone recommend a dishwasher model? We currently have a GE that is about 5 years old and has had issues for the past year. Have a toddler and infant so we are pretty heavy dishwasher users, running it every night.
Would like to spend under $1K. TIA!
Scilady says
Bosch. The answer is always Bosch.
Anon says
We have a Bosch and I hate it! It’s extremely quiet while running but other than that it’s terrible. I tell everyone I know not to get Bosch. We had an LG before this and it was so much better. Our appliance guy says Bosch has the most service calls.
Anonymous says
I am not a fan of Bosch either. We had one that broke twice right after it fell out of warranty and collected gunk around the hinges. The racks are designed only to hold dozens and dozens of plates, and do not work well for bowls or water bottles or other items.
Anon says
Funny you say that, we bought our Bosch specifically because it fit our slightly oversized bowls. We actually brought one with us to the appliance store. I liked that our Bosch had the spokes going different directions and with different spacing, so there was an order to how the dishes got loaded. I miss my Bosch everyday and will def be getting a new one soon.
octagon says
Bosch 800 series. You may have to get creative with price-matching or waiting for a sale, but it’s the gold standard for a reason.
anon says
We just bought a Jenn-Air that I am really loving.
Anonymous says
We also had issues with our GE and got a Bosch a few months ago. So far I love it- super quiet, fits a lot items, and the upper silverware drawer makes unloading a lot easier. Everyone we spoke to (installers, plumbers, etc) as we were dealing with our old dishwasher said Bosch is the gold standard. We paid a little over $1K but I got the store to price match and took advantage of all the rebate programs.
Anonymous says
We have a Bosch and are very happy with it. We picked it specifically because it pops open a crack at the end of the cycle to let the steam escape so plastics and such dry better. I am not sure which model it is but definitely not their top of the line.
Anonymous says
PS – looks like it would be 500 series
Spirograph says
We have a Whirlpool that’s probably about 5-6 years old now, and I love it. I’m not sure the exact model, but it has the 3rd rack at the top, buttons on the top of the door rather than outside (we had a toddler when we bought it, so this was important to me), a low profile and curved handle with no edges to bump into uncomfortably, and is *very* quiet. Like, I’m sitting about 5 feet away from it right now, and if I didn’t know it is running, I wouldn’t be able to tell by listening.
Spirograph says
It might be this one: WDT730HAMZ (if not, it’s very similar!)
Noro Newbie says
If DH has norovirus, what are the odds I and children (4 mo old and 6 year old) get it? Is it just a given, aka no amount of handwashing can actually spare us all if DH isn’t isolating fully (fwiw, he is not/will not)?
I think I’ve only ever had it one time (#blessed) and it was in my 20s. I don’t recall DH getting it then. Maybe it was just terrible food poisoning? So I have very little point of reference to work off of here. Not trying to get too far ahead of myself, but also need to be strategic with some big work stuff in the midst of getting scheduled for this week so contingency planning is already playing out in my brain…. TIA.
Anon says
Odds are very high. Get the Clorox healthcare wipes, and read the instructions before using them. Try to not use the same bathroom he does, if possible.
Anon says
If it’s true norovirus, odds are good it spreads through the family. He will remain contagious through saliva and waste products for possibly weeks after he recovers.
If it’s a run of the mill stomach bug then you have a better shot. My family gets lots of stomach bugs that stay confined to one or two people
OP says
Am I correct in assuming there’s no practical way to distinguish without seeing a doctor? This isn’t something that requires medical intervention – he’s quite sick, but not needing fluids (yet. knock on wood).
Anon says
My understanding is norovirus generally lasts longer and is more intense. We get a lot of bugs that involve vomiting for 12-24 hours, but then the person recovers and can eat and drink and goes back to school/work after 1-2 days. I don’t think we’ve ever actually had norovirus, which can make you actively sick from both ends for days
Anon says
I don’t think that’s true. I had confirmed norovirus (from a cruise ship outbreak) once. I vomited a bunch in the space of a couple hours and then it was over. That’s my normal pattern with stomach bugs. I think whether it’s over quickly or not has a lot more to do with the person than the virus.
But yeah OP in the absence of an outbreak-type situation I don’t think there’s any way to know if it’s norovirus or a different stomach bug.
Anon says
I actually think the odds are pretty good you don’t get it, especially if the person who is sick is an adult who can vomit into toilets and reliably wash their hands. I don’t think we’ve ever passed norovirus around to household members. My 6 year old has had two vomiting bugs in the last year and DH and I didn’t catch either of them, and in one instance she and I were sharing a bed in a hotel and she actually vomited *on* me. Hopefully your husband won’t do that ;)
Fwiw, I’ve never bleached anything or done any special cleaning for stomach bugs. We just follow normal hygiene practices (lots of hand-washing, not having the sick person handle other people’s food, etc.) and have had good luck controlling spread that way. It’s gross but the germs come out in your poop for weeks after you recover from the puking stage, so it’s really important that whoever was sick is really good about washing their hands after using the bathroom for quite a while after they feel better.
Anonymous says
I think if it’s actually norovirus you all will get it. From my understanding and recent experience, it’s very contagious. Not sure how a 4mo would handle it; it’s pretty rough.
Anon says
No judgement because life gets tough, but I’ve had friends complain that it hit everyone in the family and was unavoidable but then they admit they didn’t use bleach or take any real measures. If you do take measures, there’s a good chance it won’t spread.
HSAL says
One of my twins had norovirus at their first birthday party and got at least 8 people at the party sick, but none of the other four immediate family members got it. We didn’t take special precautions because we didn’t even realize it was norovirus until my grandfather was hospitalized a few days later.
Colette says
If it’s norovirus, it will either spread fast or not at all in my experience.
For what it’s worth my family has gotten it twice in the last two years and each time our kids (baby/toddler) got way milder cases than my wife and I.
Getting norovirus while 9 months pregnant was one of the most truly terrible experiences of my life.
Anon says
Reading about difficult in-laws, I always think, “how do I make sure I am not difficult when I am the mother-in-law someday?” And so I wanted to share about what my mom does, which is wonderful (and which I am writing down so I can pay it forward for my own kids someday).
There is no pressure to go to every single family event. Typically the family with the most naps hosts (so that those kids can stay on their nap schedule at home). But my mom 1) comes over beforehand to help clean and set-up, 2) brings 80% of the food, and 3) cleans up after people leave.
So for instance I “hosted” Easter for 17 people yesterday. I currently have a baby taking three naps and a toddler taking one nap, as well as two older children, and my sister has a toddler taking two naps and a newborn (so *someone* is napping from 8:30am-5:00pm). My mom came up on Saturday with food, games and Easter baskets, cleaned my kitchen and helped get set up. Yesterday she brought all the food (she had given me options earlier for things she could bring) except bread, salad and drinks.
My kids took all their naps at their normal time; the newborn napped in his crib at home and then in someone’s arms for the rest of the day, and my sister’s toddler had a slightly short morning nap at home, and a slightly late afternoon nap in the stroller while we hung out (but not so late that it would throw off bedtime).
Before my mom left in the evening she made sure everything she had brought was cleaned up and the dishwasher and washing machine were going. (Everyone helped with this but my mom made sure it happened and did the majority). So despite hosting a bunch of people I did almost no extra work and all my kids got their normal naps and a regular bedtime, and my sister’s kids got very close to their normal naps and a regular bedtime. (My brother’s kids are older and don’t nap, but did not come this time due to conflicting plans on the other side of the family, and it was fine).
Anon says
It’s lovely that this works for your family but personally I would find it really overbearing if I was hosting and someone showed up at my house with all the food, and I feel super guilty when either my mom or MIL cleans my house. In my opinion, the key to being a good MIL isn’t doing X or not doing Y, it’s being flexible and communicating openly and making sure the plans work for everyone.
Anon says
your last sentence is key, but when I read the OP’s post I kind of assumed that part had already happened. as in, it was discussed amongst her family and with her mom that this would work well for everyone
Anon says
Yeah it was not a criticism of her mom at all, since this is clearly welcomed by the adult children. But I read OP’s post as sort of being like “do this to be a good MIL” and she even mentioned she’s writing it down for future use and I don’t think that’s really good advice. The best way to be a good MIL in the future is not to replicate what her own mom did, helpful though it may have been; it’s to talk to her kids and their spouses and see what they want.
anon says
Agree, and ILs should not expect one person to do all the bending. Like why is the OP’s BIL constantly accommodated, but her family’s needs aren’t? That is grating. And I realize that it’s tough with multiple siblings. (I also am one of 4.)
Anon says
Agreed. My MIL actually does this and I know she means well but I hate it. I love to cook and really enjoy picking out menus, so I really don’t love someone else bringing food and honestly would prefer to eat my own food than MILs. I also really don’t mind hosting but would rather spend the hour before that peacefully getting ready – as an introvert I really welcome a bit of quiet time before a big gathering. Instead, MIL shows up, starts asking where XYZ is, moving everything around, and just generally making things stressful. I would also really hate it if someone starting doing my laundry unless I’m somehow unable to get up or something. So again, I think the best way to be a good MIL/support person generally is to ask what people need and trust that they are telling you the truth when they say they don’t need anything.
Anon says
Gosh, laundry is such a control issue for me. My MIL washed my toddler’s laundry while I was in the hospital delivering my second, and it still sticks in my memory. I have systems for stains and certain temperatures for drying different things (and things that get hung and not dried!), and I don’t want anyone messing with it!
Anon says
Why is it always the moms who are responsible? What about your Dad, FIL or DH? The men get holidays. The women get all the work.
Anonymous says
Yes. I found this disturbing.
Anon says
The difference is this is your mom doing it, not your MIL! I am much more comfortable with my mom taking over in my home and helping me out than I am with my MIL, even though she’s perfectly nice. How does your husband feel about it?
Anonymous says
+1. When I was reading this, I thought it probably would work for some (many) women with their mothers, but would not work with their MIL.
anon says
Yeah, it would 100 percent feel different if my MIL swooped in and did this, versus my own mom.
Anonymous says
Even if her husband is fine with it, it doesn’t mean a future daughter-in-law would be. There’s more pressure on women for these kind of things.
anon says
So I’m halfway through The Anxious Generation and can’t recommend it highly enough. Really making me think hard about our kids and smartphones.
Anon says
That is definitely on my to-read list!
Anon says
Thanks, I put it on my to-read list.
Anon says
he was on Dr. Becky and Free Press Podcasts. I listened to both over the weekend, some overlap between the two but also made different points so didn’t feel like a total repeat. I 1000% agree with his suggestion that the legal age for social media should be 16 and it should be up to the companies to enforce, the way that the onus is on a bar to check if patrons are 21+ and to start kids with flip phones and that schools should actually ban phones from the classroom, not pretend to. no one needs to get in touch with their kid in the middle of math class
Anonymous says
The problem with banning phones in schools is that the teachers want the kids to use apps so they can avoid teaching.
Anonymous says
wut?
Anonymous says
It is true. In sixth grade we had to send our kid with an old phone to use apps on over Wi-Fi for multiple classes. Maybe less of an issue if your school provides chromebooks or iPads.
Anon says
I’ve never heard of a school expecting kids to bring a phone to use apps in class – most schools seem to be enforcing stricter policies around phone use and not allowing them in class at all. All the districts locally to me provide Chromebooks. (starting in kindergarten, which is kind of sad but that’s a different subject…)
Anonymous says
FYI there are a lot of social media researchers who are fed up with Haidt and all the press coverage because they believe his views are not grounded in quantitative evidence.
Anon says
Interesting. Source? Not being snarky, I am genuinely curious.