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OOO says
Have you had a parent move in with you? How did it go?
Anon says
Several of my Asian American friends have and it’s gone reasonably well for them but they also have different cultural expectations than I do. Personally I can’t imagine it and fortunately my parents are on the same page. They live less than a mile from us which imo has all the advantages of living together (them helping us with childcare, me helping them with errands etc) while allowing everyone to have their own space and privacy which is important for my family of introverts. I guess a big disadvantage to separate nearby houses is cost but we live in a LCOL area so it’s not an issue for us.
Anon says
+1 – I’m Asian American and have been in this situation with my Mom staying with us for long stretches to help out (she lives locally) and with my Non-Asian FIL living with us for a year. Both were fantastic, but again, I have very different expectations and experience around this growing up than my White friends. And I also have plenty of Non-White friends where this wouldn’t be a fit, despite them growing up in similar cultures.
Anon says
Yes. Both of us are East Asian. Culturally common in our parents generation for grandparents to live together and less so now but still more common than white families.
They (in laws) moved in to help us with the kids. It’s hard. We have a small house (1600 sq ft) but thankfully their room and bathroom are on a diff floor (1st) so it helps maintain some semblance of privacy. The kids love it. I have mixed feelings about it. It’s stressful and I have no control of my own house. I like doing things and having things a certain way, so sharing a space with others is hard. It adds another level of stress and disagreement with my husband. I also don’t like how they tell my kids not to cry, lie to them in order to manipulate them to do things (police will come if you don’t do X), etc.
I just tell myself it’s temporary because we need their help, but also we reevaluate whether or not it’s worth the stress.
Anon at 10:32 says
Let me add that we are still the primary caregivers (well, me. My husband has an inflexible schedule). Both in laws work full time and so their help isn’t like the one described at 10:43. But they do the following:
– daycare pick up as needed
– watching baby when I take kiddo1 to school
– meals/cleanup after meals
– some bottle feeds when I’m too busy with kiddo1
Anonymous says
My mother lives with my sister’s family and serves as the primary caregiver for their kids–all the time, not just during work hours. It is much harder on my mother than on my sister and her husband. She has all the responsibility of parenting without the authority and is responsible for carrying out my sister’s parenting decisions, which are often ill informed or short-sighted because she isn’t in the thick of the day-to-day parenting. Having her own space (finished basement with separate entrance, bedroom, and bathroom) is key to my mother’s sanity.
EDAnon says
This sounds terrible for your mother (other than the space which sounds nice).
Anon at 10:43 says
It really is. That is why I strongly encourage all families considering having a parent move in to care for children to look at both perspectives.
govtattymom says
I do not have experience with having a parent move in; however, we lived with my parents for an extended period. It worked well but I can’t imagine doing it permanently. I loved having the extra help with the kiddos (it was definitely an adjustment when we were on our own again). However, I don’t think I could handle the loss of privacy for the long term.
Momofthree says
I think the reasoning behind it is key & the answer on “how did it go” will vary based on the circumstances (i.e., if they’re moving in to help with childcare, for health reasons, etc.)
As some others have mentioned, my mom lives within a mile of us & my in-laws live within driving distance. This has worked pretty well for us. The kids get to see their grandparents all the time- my mom stops in frequently & the kids have pre-determined times that the kids can go to her house as well. One key difference is that my mom is retired & my in-laws both work so that also affects the dynamic of when they can see them.
From a childcare perspective, we did not find it great having my mom act as actual “paid” childcare in any capacity. We had to do it a little bit during COVID, but never again. She didn’t like feeling beholden to us & I didn’t like either 1) having to impose my parenting views on her or 2) resent her doing things that we aren’t comfortable with. She’s often mentioned that she wants to be the “fun grandma” and when she’s in a more formal role, she can’t do that & doesn’t like it.
We have actually co-habited for months at a time (when our house was being reno-ed & when she was between housing). We made it work. When she was living with us, we were fine with it & the kids loved it. She felt trapped and like she had no space of her own. When we lived with her, it was great b/c I knew it was temporary & she was critically helpful with childcare. It also wasn’t my house though & it worked b/c I knew it was temporary.
We have thought a ton though about what our living situation will look like in the future. When we buy our next house, it will probably include space for my mom. She’s retired, single and will probably need care as she ages, which I believe will fall to us (she values her independence though so would hate me saying that).
We are basically looking for a house w/ two separate units or at least a separate bedroom/bathroom/wet bar- as my mother says, she needs her own door to separate from our family. She also would prefer her own access to come and go as she pleases. We need the separate wet bar/ kitchen b/c she has very different dietary preferences than we do & I would prefer that we don’t share a kitchen.
In summary, you need to have clear & multiple conversations about what living together looks like, what the expectations are for each of the family members (is the grandparent to eat dinner w/ the family every night?) and have everyone agree.
Anon says
My mom “moved in” a couple months before the baby arrived, and ended up kicked out about a month after the baby arrived. It was a horrible situation, especially for her. DH had classic terrible postpartum anxiety and depression and would not hear any advice about anything. My MIL was… geez, I honestly can’t even write this part without losing my temper completely…she went hugely out of her way to literally force my mom out of the house, and when that didn’t work enough, she went nuclear attacking my whole family at our most vulnerable soft spot. I will never forgive her, but DH will probably never really believe that she said it.
On the other hand, other than my MILs meddling, everything happened along preexisting fault lines, and would probably have happened because of the baby anyways. DHs untreated mental health issues have been a major stress on me for years. Our housework distribution was neither fair nor agreed-upon. Frankly his treatment of me was borderline abusive, and the only reason I tolerated it was because I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me.
We have had some excellent marriage counseling and we are communicating much better already. DH is continuing individual counseling.
My mom’s presence added pressure, but she also encouraged me to improve my situation. Not to mention the basic care baby and I needed through 3rd and 4th trimester of a complicated pregnancy. So, as horrible as it was, I’m grateful she came.
OP, probably none of that helps you with whatever prompted your question. But basically, I agree with other posters that it’s important to have shared expectations and open communication. Its important to consider it from your parent’s point of view. Aaanddd…you can’t plan for everything.
Deedee says
I think the reason why will dictate a big portion of your experience. My mother has lived with us for about 5 years. She is young but in poor health and as you may know, disabled people in the US are treated quite horribly and not provided the resources—money or supports—to live well by themselves. Essential to our wellbeing is separate bedroom and bathroom, separated by at least a bit of hallway or ideally an entire floor. She pays rent to us, which is indeed helpful but very much below market rate. She does her own breakfast/lunch cooking, cleans up after herself, and occasionally does other household chores as she’s able. I try to give her independence in everything possible and in return I think it helps her feel like an equal and respected citizen of the home, when I know it would be easy to feel super disempowered in her position. We’re adding our first child to the HH in May so TBD how that change affects us all. She’s looking forward to helping as much as she can.
Contact lenses slowing myopia progression? says
Has anyone experience with MiSight, the daily contacts claiming to slow progression of myopia in children?
My 7 yr-old is now getting his first glasses with already around a -3dpt correction, so starting fairly high. He has inherited my genes. I had my first pair of glasses at 4.5 yrs old, as an adult now I have a -9dpt/-7dpt correction with the need for extra thin high-index lenses. Saw several specialists as a teenager who were concerned about the fast progression (adding -1dpt/year during age 11-15) and retinal thinning etc. Back then, those contacts didn’t exist. Lasix was never an option for me.
If these lenses work somewhat, I’d consider it for my son, because having such a high correction already at elementary age is not only a concern for eye health long-term, but will be costly in the future (lenses more expensive, Lasix costs etc).
Adding that I’m completely happy with my own journey as a glass wearer as an adult and don’t consider this a major impairment. But there were times in my life as a child 30 years ago where thick lenses and an inability to fully or safely participate in activities (e.g. waterpark without glasses?) just sucked.
EDAnon says
I was fortunate to o it have really poor vision in one eye. LASIK was never an option due to my impairment. My vision did not worsen as a kid but had as an adult. I am very interested in stopping the worsening and ask about new treatments all the time.
I would talk to your ophthalmologist about any option. If you feel like they’re out of touch with newer research, get another opinion (I have done so even within the same group since they all have different experiences and interests).
Anonymous says
I don’t know about the contacts, but my daughter does daily .01/.02% atropine eye drops that not only slowed her myopia but reversed it. I needed glasses at 8 and my bad eye is a -4.5 now. We caught her vision change really early (around age 4) and they estimated that, doing nothing, she’d end up at a -8 as an adult. She is currently 7.5 and still does not need glasses, though they do think she will get them eventually. The drops do not have side effects at all, but I don’t know that they’d be effective given your son’s current vision and need for correction.
Anonymous says
And the change in the percentage is based on the seasons. Stronger percentage during the school year since there’s more reading and screens.
Rain Jacket says
Can vouch for this rain jacket. My kid (5YO, size 12, loves playing in the rain) also wears it even when not raining. We’re in our 4th size up. When we first got it I was doubtful because it really feels like a windbreaker rather than a raincoat, but kiddo stays dry.
Anon says
Same. Got this in xxs for my 2/3t wearing toddler and it’s good quality.
Paging GCA says
I think cetirizine may be causing one of my toddler twins’ behavior issues (biting). Switching him today. Thanks for the PSA!
GCA says
I don’t think that was me, but I remember the discussion of side effects from common meds – hope it helps!!
HSAL says
That was me! I hope it helps. It’s amazing what switching has done for mine. I also have twins and one was affected and one wasn’t.
Anonymous says
Oh sorry, HSAL. Thank you! Yeah… if you don’t already think kids are totally individual, try having twins.
Anonymous says
I know there have been sporadic threads here over the years about when to announce your pregnancy at work. I just want to weigh in as a manager that 8 weeks before your due date is TOO LATE. Especially if you have a niche skill set and a key role in a program that will be in crunch time during your planned leave. Obviously I wish her the best, and if someone were out unexpectedly for months we’d figure it out. When it’s foreseeable, though, it’s a better look, professionally, to give your team more time to plan. Now we’re hoping really hard for work reasons in addition to human ones that everything goes well and she doesn’t need to abruptly exit sooner than her due date while we try to identify and onboard a temporary resource with enough time for a smooth transition.
anon says
How did she hide it that long? Does she WFH? Agree that as a manager, I would be pretty upset about the short notice for something that’s entirely foreseeable.
Anonymous says
Yes, primarily WFH. The minimal in-office requirement isn’t really enforced and our department is spread out over many locations. The dept head visited the location where she works late last year and noticed at the time that this woman hadn’t shown up with the rest of the local team as requested. It all makes sense, now, and it feels intentionally secretive in a way that doesn’t sit right with me.
Anonymous says
Yeah, not officially announcing a pregnancy and intentionally concealing it are two different things. At least with the polite fiction the manager can start thinking through the issues.
Anon4this says
So what is the minimum for folks with a niche role? Is the key differentiator that you have to onboard a temporary resource to cover the leave? I’m at a firm and both pregnancies I’ve announced around 20 weeks and felt like in hindsight that was too early because of the impact on my work flow, but I was also visibly pregnant so didn’t think I had much option.
Anonymous says
I think 20 weeks is appropriate because you have the excuse of waiting for the anatomy scan and because after 20 weeks you can’t really expect people to pretend not to notice that you’re pregnant.
Nina says
But if the same person got a new job and left she would probably give 2-3 weeks notice . . . and you’d have to figure it out. So this is always sort of a possibility?
Anonymous says
True! but in that case she presumably wouldn’t need to continue to work with a team and leaders whom she’d left in a tough spot
Anonymous says
Maybe she’s planning to give notice after her leave. In fact, I’d expect that.
Anonymous says
This right here.
Anon says
Normal resignation is not leaving anybody in a tough spot. If you can’t handle the normal comings and goings of employees, that’s on you as the manager.
Anon says
Yeah seconded. I’m surprised she was able to hide it that long but two months really is quite a bit of time.
Anon says
I feel like people can’t really say anything until you disclose, so it’s probably not that they “didn’t know” and more that they felt like they couldn’t say anything. I waited until 20 weeks and everyone knew, but no one said anything until I made an announcement.
Spirograph says
You’d hope they wouldn’t say anything! When I was pregnant with my 2nd I was putting it off saying anything official at work because I was in the running for a promotion. Around 16 weeks, some clueless man loudly asked me what’s new while gesturing toward my belly in front of many coworkers. I was Not Pleased and I must not have had a good poker face about it. At least he apologized later.
Anonymous says
When someone leaves for good, you don’t have to figure out how to cover their work during leave while making it possible for them to pick back up. You just hire and train a replacement and let them manage the projects. Managing one’s own work is much different than covering for someone else.
Pogo says
I think this is a good distinction.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m with you OP, this would annoy me as a manager. Yes, of course there are situations when you have less notice and you’d figure it out, but that’s not this situation!! I feel the same way for moms and dads to be, BTW. My male report told me they were expecting at around 12-13 weeks, so we had plenty of time to plan for his leaves (at birth and after mom’s leave). I feel like maybe she thought you would treat her poorly and thus waited to tell, but this would make her look worse in my eyes vs. just telling your manager about a pregnancy and planning a leave, which happens all the time.
Pogo says
Yeah, agree. People are super open about their leave plans, both moms and dads, and it really helps everyone. It helps the team plan, and I feel it helps me be more understanding in the weeks leading up – knowing they (even dad) can’t travel, doesn’t want to commit to key deliverables, etc.
BUT, I was very lucky that my management for both pregnancies was super chill and understanding and did not mommy track me. I know that is not everyone’s experience.
Anon says
“I feel like maybe she thought you would treat her poorly and thus waited to tell”
I mean, based on OP’s reaction here I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the case.
Anonymous says
This is probably a super know-your-office thing. If your report got a new job, yes, she’d be out in 2-3 weeks and you’d manage. But also, the door is closed at that point.
It’s sort of like the difference between your direct report telling you that they had planned surgery where they’d be out for 4 weeks the week before when it had been planned for months. Sure, she could have had a heart attack requiring the same 4 week absence with 0 notice, but when you know in advance, it’s professional to disclose so plans can be made.
My own children were all weeks late, so what do I know, but apparently babies come early! And other problems surface!
I would say that disclosing by the 3rd trimester is probably the latest to go without disclosing.
busybee says
I understand your frustration but there may have been complications you don’t know about. There may have been issues spotted during the anatomy scan such that viability was in question, a history of late term losses, etc. Yes, maybe she was just inconsiderate but I personally would extend more grace in this situation.
Anon says
+1. 8 weeks is still a long time.
Anon says
That was my thought as well. If she’s going to great lengths to hide a pregnancy beyond 20 weeks, there’s probably something going on.
+1 says
Yes, this.
anon says
I too would assume that there’s something potentially devastating going on. That, or the employee has seen signals that the employer is likely to discriminate on the basis of pregnancy/parenting status.
anon says
Disagree. It would annoy me as a manager at a surface level in the moment, but taking a step back I’m totally team employee here. Pregnancy is so personal. My sister told her team at 29 weeks because she had a loss at 28 in her previous pregnancy and that was a major mental hurdle for her. She could hide it between clothes, working with a lot of unaware men and a mostly virtual work environment. You have no idea why your employee waited but she’s fully entitled to wait, so she did. You have two months. You’ll figure it out.
Anonymous says
OP here and you’re right about all of this. I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she had a good reason and wasn’t just inconsiderate, but this is the cherry on top of a frustrating week. Deep breaths and a weekend will hopefully make everything look better by Monday.
anon says
Yup. Take a step back. She’s not announcing her pregnancy “at” you. Deep breaths. You’ll get through.
Also, given the niche role, maybe this is a good signal to figure out planning for any future interruptions either from her or anyone else. Illness, death, injury and just straight up quitting can lead to far less notice than 2 months. How can you ready your team for any of those events so there is limited business interruption?
Hmm says
I think the bigger question is why she waited so long. Is it something about your company culture that made her afraid to disclose the pregnancy? If not, I think it’s likely that she either has a history or medical condition that maybe her concerned about disclosing it sooner.
I agree that I’d never recommend 32 weeks as the right time to disclose (for a number of reasons!) But I feel like something else is going on here.
Anonymous says
I agree and suspect that part of it, and part of why OP is having an unfavorable reaction, might have to do with the employee’s attitude and behavior outside of this situation. If one of my many diligent, hard-working, talented, communicative employees waited that long to disclose I would assume that there was some history or emotional reason behind it and would not feel put out. If my one employee who is continually evasive and never does their work waited, I’d assume the delayed disclosure resulted from lack of trust or intentional manipulation.
Hmm says
True, but intentional manipulation to what end? I don’t see what the employee gets out of waiting that long either.
Anonymous says
A feeling of control, that’s what.
Hmmm says
I mean, I guess if you want to assume the absolute worst? But that seems pretty far fetched to me.
Anonymous says
Well, your employees must all be different than my one bad apple who truly does love to be manipulative. He really seems to enjoy feeling like he’s gotten one over on the boss. No, I can’t manage him out or fire him.
Anonymous says
Some people really seem to enjoy daring others in the workplace to notice their unannounced pregnancies. Usually the same ones who get offended if you ask how their weekend was.
Anon says
+1 to the company culture question here. When I was pregnant with my 1st, I waited until until about 20 weeks (which felt like a long time) because I was due for a promotion and I didn’t want a pregnancy to delay that promotion. My read on the work environment was that it would be delayed until I returned.
anon says
+1 did she just get a bonus payout?
Anon says
+1. Yep, look at bonus timing and it may suddenly make sense.
Anne-on says
Tots and Pears to any other parents who are currently in the thick of summer camp sign ups. We’ve got coverage through the end of July with one full day camp but now need to negotiate the week by week day camp options for August at multiple locations, very few of which seem to be a full day. And to add salt to the wound my credit card listed the camp fees as ‘person care’ which HAHAHA, sure.
Daycare lunch help says
Experienced moms please give me guidance here with this dumb question. My 10 month old brings lunch to daycare everyday, which includes a mix of finger foods (strips of hummus sandwich, chopped up veggie burger / meatball, etc) and a jar of baby food puree. Until what age do infants routine eat purees or pouches as part of their diet? Trying to decide how much I should be bulk buying vs. trying to move away to just finger foods!
Anonymous says
That’s around the age when we dropped purees. In general babies change so fast that whenever I stocked up on anything it turned out to be a mistake.
Anon says
This is kind of controversial and there are definitely BLW evangelists who will say you’re ruining your child by letting them have puree past a certain point. But pureed foods are a normal part of an adult diet (soup, smoothies, yogurt, etc) so I think it’s less about weaning off purees and more about making sure your child knows how to eat whole foods too. Sounds like you’re doing great. The puree pouches are super convenient for travel during the toddler years and even beyond. My 5 year old still likes them as snacks. As long as your child is eating lots of solid food, I think it’s a non-issue.
Anon says
My kid stopped eating purees or pouches very early (like as soon as she encounter finger food), but she still kept applesauce and yogurt pouches for on the go.
Anon says
We definitely did regular pouches at least until 2. They’re just convenient and easy. Still do apple sauce pouches as a snack, but the other pouches naturally phased out once she could chew substantial foods more quickly and I didn’t feel like they were necessary for quick calories on the go or first thing in the morning.
Anon says
Totally depends on what the baby/mother prefer. My kids basically never ate purées and I use pouches as a convenience for me. I still used applesauce, yogurt, etc and things that were naturally a puréed consistency. But a baby doesn’t need purées – it’s up to you if it’s easier to toss a purée into the lunch bag or provide another snack option. I guess if you’re looking for a benchmark, I’d aim to be on “real” food at 12 months.
Anon says
Just like some kids walk at 8 months and others at 18 months, it really depends on the kid. Some are better at eating solid food than others.
Anon says
I’m not sure that when you drop pouches has much to do with how good a kid is at eating solid food. A kid can be great at eating solids (sounds like OP’s kid is) and still want a pouch now and then. They’re particularly convenient when you’re traveling or on the go.
Anonymous says
No right answer. For us we stopped giving purées when they started eating table food, except foods that are normally puréed (soup, applesauce, etc) or if something had a particularly difficult texture. I was looking at what was easiest and for me that was just giving table food because we had mostly been making purées ourselves. I see in the thread that for others that included continuing purées. It will be fine whatever you do.
OP says
Thank you all!
Pogo says
If you have the pouches around, they’ll get eaten. My first was not into pouches because I was pretty hardcore BLW and then my second I was like “whatever I gotta live my life” and my 2yo still eats a pouch with lunch most days. If you don’t want to keep serving them, you don’t have to!
Anonymous says
I wish my picky child would eat pouches because then at least they’d get some fruits and veggies.
Anon says
Yeah same! My kid lost interest in pouches around age 3 and the amount of fruits and vegetables in her diet went way down.
Anon says
Around then is when we moved to yogurt instead of like a fruit or vegetable puree. I used to pack plain Fage 5% with all the leftover fruit puree I had made swirled in. It’s still the same consistency but more adult I guess.
Isabella says
I just talked to the pediatrician about feeding my 10 month old. He isn’t gaining enough weight, probably because of too many daycare viruses and not enough milk. Buuut, they said it’s fairly advanced for his age to be eating a significant amount of solid foods.
He manages some table food pretty well, but it’s a fairly restricted list: green beans, bananas, meat, and cookies/crackers. We spoon feed him purees and iron-fortified cereal, and I don’t expect to phase them out anytime soon because I think it improves his diet along. I have about 3 dozen jars in my freezer, and expect to need more before he’s done.
Anonymous says
The way to guarantee that a child will suddenly reject a food they previously loved is to find it on sale and buy in bulk.
So Anon says
Anyone have a child who has been diagnosed with scoliosis as an 8-10 year old? Or were themselves diagnosed with the same? My daughter had her x-ray yesterday and the curve was evident on the screen. I will of course be speaking with our pediatrician, but I am looking for anecdata from other parents.
EDAnon says
I wasn’t but my aunt was (a lot time ago) and it’s gone well. She wore a brace as a kid but I don’t know much more than that. I hope to be reassuring! She’s 70 and super fit and healthy.
My son has pectus excavation which is like boy scoliosis. He was diagnosed really young. It hasn’t progressed (he is still young), but we are looking to get a referral to consider treatment options since my understanding is it often worsens with growth spurts. I assume that is true of scoliosis too.
EDAnon says
A long time ago. I am a terrible typist today!
Anonymous says
My daughter has some friends who were diagnosed around age 10-11, wore braces, and had good outcomes. I was diagnosed at 13 and was told it was too late to fix because I was “done growing.” Then I grew six more inches and the curve got worse. I very much wish that my parents had gotten a second opinion and done something about it.
Anon says
Me. I wore a brace from age 8 to 16 after school. Some have to wear it longer (23rd a day) and some need surgery if it’s really bad. I hated it but it helped stop the curve from progressing (obviously did not straighten my spine). This was 20 years ago so I don’t know what the standard treatment is now if it’s mild to moderate.
Pediatrician will send her to an orthopedic surgeon for further assessment.
It hasn’t impacted my quality of life, other than having to lug my brace around to the rare sleepover or when we traveled. I was a bit self conscious about the brace because I still had to go out in public with it on (but never school), but I wore mine under my clothes. I’m guessing braces now may be less…obtrusive or obvious. I had epidurals with both deliveries and while the first one wasn’t great, the second one was fine, so having scoliosis doesn’t automatically mean no epidural. Also, no one, except orthopedic surgeons, can tell that I have scoliosis even though my curve is still there.
Anonymous says
There has been some innovation in braces recently–I would definitely look into the newer options, because they’re designed to be WAY more comfortable (and therefore increase adherence to brace-wearing).
A good friend had to have surgery and steel rods installed when we were teenagers. It was definitely a big thing, but fast-forward to today, and she’s doing great and has amazing posture.
I did says
I was as a kid. My truly excellent have never encountered another physician like her picked up a minor curve on a lot aregular physical and promptly referred me to a specialist. I went to Boston Children’s every six months or year (can’t remember) for a quick check to see if it was progressing. Mine never did and eventually I graduated and it’s all a super hazy memory now. What I remember most is how much waiting around it was for 5 min appointments, but I’m glad it was monitored.
Anonymous says
That was pretty much me too. Diagnosed as a kid and monitored by a specialist, but never had to take any sort of corrective action. No issues with it as an adult, except the occasional doctor who notes it when examining me. (Or the occasional really observant yoga instructor who does the same.)
Anon says
So super anecdotal, but my cousin was diagnosed with scoliosis in High School. Her family made arrangements to plan on a surgery and several months of recovery. Which meant she was going to delay going into college. In the mean time, she went to a study abroad for the last semester of HS (it was already planned). When she came back and started to do prep, the curve was not present anymore. They chalked it up to mis-imaging. This would have been about 10 years ago. I’m sure technology has gotten better. And I’m also hopeful they’d be extra careful with young kids. But that experience would make me consider asking for a second opinion.
FVNC says
I was diagnosed in late elementary. My spine looks like an “S” but thankfully the curves are just shy of needing any intervention. I’ve never had any complications from it. A childhood friend was also diagnosed around the same time, but her case was more severe and she wound up with a brace and surgery. I’m sure it was scary/stressful for her parents, but as kids we just joked about the amazing posture her metal rod gave her. I kept in touch with her through college and she didn’t have issues through that time. I got the sense even in the late 80s/early 90s that this is pretty common/routine and, while scary since it’s the spine, usually it’s not a big deal. But hazy memories for sure, and I certainly hope it’s not a big deal in your daughter’s case!
Anon says
I have mild scoliosis. I haven’t done the Schroth method but I know it exists as a non-surgical form of treatment. My PT’s office offers it as a way to delay or avoid surgery. May be worth a google.
Anon says
I was diagnosed with mild scoliosis around the same age. I had multiple consistent follow up appointments & x-rays until I reached my late teens but because it never got worse, it never warranted treatment. Both of my anesthesiologists remarked on it when I had my epidurals during childbirth but I was able to get both placed just fine (which had been a concern of mine).
Anon says
Advice if you have a kid who is adverse to all sports? My 7 YO son doesn’t like sports. For a couple years we’ve had a rule that everyone in the family does something “active” but the kid can decide what they do and he has done tennis. He grumbles, but he does it. I would like to get him into a team sport though for the various benefits that a team sport can provide and my husband is concerned he’ll decide to try sports when he’s older and lack foundation to learn if we don’t start him now (I don’t understand the logic of this either so don’t ask me about that position lol). Anyway. How bad would it be to just sign him up and offer a prize if he finishes a season and see how it goes? Am I being a stage mom?
Anon says
Is it that he doesn’t like “all sports” or just team sports? I know many families that had more success with getting their kids to enjoy martial arts, mountain bike racing, fencing, or other less traditional options. Maybe your kiddo just hasn’t found that yet. I’m very much in favor of the “active activity requirement” and would definitely offer prizes for completing seasons. In my experience growing up, the kids who did not participate in anything active had worse mental health and struggled to connect positively with their friends. The girls who did participate also had better body image and self-confidence.
Spirograph says
This. My daughter is really not into team sports, but she likes individual activities like karate and dance.
Is this more of a situation where he’s lukewarm about lots of things and can’t decide on just one, or does he have no interest at all? I wouldn’t not sign a kid up for a team sport if they didn’t express any interest. Dragging a reluctant kid to something every week (maybe twice a week for practice + a game?) will get old, and if he really doesn’t want to participate it seems unfair to the team. Or it’s just a waste of time and money! There was a 6-year-old on my son’s baseball team one year who was totally not into it, but his dad signed him up anyway. The parents had a rule that he had to wear his uniform and go to every game because he’d committed to the season. He played on the sidelines with the rest of the team siblings and ate snacks, but he never took the field. When he got his participation medal at the end-of-season party, he cheerfully announced how much he was looking forward to never playing baseball again. It was kind of hilarious as an outsider looking in, but I would *not* have wanted to be the parents giving up hours of my weekend for that!
Anon says
Yes, this is my experience. Forcing kids to do something they really don’t enjoy just backfires.
Spirograph says
*I would not
TGIF!
Anon says
I’m not a big believer in putting kids that age in activities they don’t want to do. Physical activity is important but there are lots of ways to be active that aren’t “sports.” I also think the fixation on team sports is weird. Sure, team sports have benefits in terms of cooperation, etc., but there are lots of other ways to learn to get along with people. I never had interest in sports at all until I watched the 1994 Winter Olympics with the Nancy/Tonya drama and decided I wanted to be a figure skater and then I did that seriously as my main activity and only sport until high school graduation. I like to think I turned out fine. My 5 year old has done very little in the way of organized activities because she hasn’t expressed interest.
Anon says
This. Sports are not the be-all and end-all. I also hated sports as a kid. I tried various ones through elementary school and then mercifully was allowed to stop. I did lacrosse in high school because of the pressure to be “well-rounded” for college and hated every second of it. There was a real mean-girl culture, too, so don’t think sports are a social panacea. As soon as I was accepted to college I quit. I still think about that time and shudder.
I would prioritize being outside in nature (make it a family thing on weekends – in your yard or a nearby park, etc), encourage him do activities he is interested in, and let the future worry about itself.
Anon says
7 is obviously way too young to be worried about college, but for college admissions doing a sport you hate won’t help. When it comes to extracurriculars colleges generally want to see passion and leadership, and if you don’t enjoy an activity you’re unlikely to be able to show either. It’s MUCH better to be the captain of the debate team or a musical theater nerd who’s starred in several shows than to be an average, unenthusiastic soccer player.
Anon says
With an adult perspective I can see that, but I was set on going to a competitive school and was made to feel (probably by the sports culture evident in OP’s post) that not playing sports was a hole. So I did three years of lacrosse to show “dedication and follow through.” I also had leadership positions in Model UN and other “nerdy” pursuits.
But generally now I see that doing things out of fear is not a good reason, and there’s certainly no need to worry so much when your kid is 7. Team USA’s World Cup goalie didn’t play soccer until high school.
Anon says
Oh I’m not criticizing you. I know there’s a weird sports culture in the US. I’m just sharing for anyone with older kids who might be interested. I worked in admissions at an elite college and we prioritized depth over breadth for extracurriculars. One activity where you were a superstar was better than three where you were just a generic team member. And there was no reason to do sports specifically – lots of kids were admitted with extracurriculars consisting solely of arts, academic-related stuff like debate and model UN, and Scouts/community service.
Anonymous says
Do not do this, for the sake of your child as well as the rest of the team. I am athletic but am terrible at and despise all team sports. I have enjoyed and been quite good at a number of individual sports. I hated PE because I was so bad at softball, basketball, and football. If you make him play a sport he doesn’t want to play you will make him think that all sports are terrible and will become resistant to trying others that he might enjoy. Just let him keep choosing for himself as long as he stays active. Have you offered rock climbing, martial arts, gymnastics, cross country, or dance?
EDAnon says
I personally wouldn’t push it. Some people don’t like team sports (But tennis does have doubles! And tennis teams). I think you can get the benefits of team sports on lots of ways (mathletes, Odyssey of the Mind, etc.). If you want your kid to have an activity they like more than tennis and helps build connection, I would recommend indoor rock climbing. It is solo but my experience is that people are very friendly and welcoming. They’re happy to help each other. You get a good mix of individual effort and connection with others.
It may be the case that your kiddo doesn’t make the high school team for certain sports without putting effort in earlier, but I tried a lot of sports for the first time as an adult (mostly in my 20s), including soccer, rock climbing, distance running, mountain biking, alpine skiing. Life is long and not making the high school team doesn’t mean you can never play that sport.
Anon says
Indoor rock climbing is a great idea.
Anonymous says
+2 for rock climbing. Kids with ADHD tend to love it if that’s an issue.
Anonymous says
Ooh this is so good to know for the one kid of mine who doesn’t like sports, has extremely ADHD like behavior, and likes to climb :)
anonM says
My 5yo has so far refused to participate in the one sport we tried – soccer (sat on the sidelines every week), but did somewhat like the family group swim lessons. Here’s our current plan for the future. We are accepting that he may not be a team sport kid, but might end up more in running or golf or something like that. However, I really want to stay away from labeling him as the “kid that is unathletic” or doesn’t “do” sports” unless/until he’s much older. I think 7 is still really young! For my son, just signing him up with a prize if he finishes would be miserable for me and I won’t sign him up for anything again unless he enthusiastically wants to. It’s too much work for me to have him just sit on the sidelines, and I cannot physically MAKE him play. This winter, I gave the kids two options and they picked swim lessons. I’ll do one session only (they’re 3 and 5) because I just don’t find group activities at this age worth too much of our limited free family time.
Anonymous says
Omg please get over it. Team sports are so unnecessary. He is active. He plays tennis. Newsflash you can be active without team sports. And you can work with others without it being about a ball. This is a you and your husband issue not a problem with your child.
anon says
Agree with this. I promise you that forcing the issue will backfire and not give you the results you want.
Anon says
I’m reluctant to reply to trolls but this was a really unnecessary and mean comment. I suspect many of us come here to seek anonymous advice where its something we’re embarrassed/awkward about asking people in real life and responses like this are, in that context, especially unhelpful. I never said you can’t be active without sports, or you can’t work with others without it being about a ball nor that there was a “problem with my child.”
I guess you were never taught not to insert your mean spirited opinions where they aren’t asked for, but let me be the first to extend that advice. I hope you never need advice (though I’m sure you won’t).
Anonymous says
News flash: not all sports are team sports.
Anon says
I think she knows that, lol. She says she wants to get him into a team sport. He’s currently doing an individual sport.
Anon says
There are a lot of reading comprehension fails in the replies to this post.
Anonymous says
And she wants him to do a team sport because the individual sport is not a “sport” according to her husband.
octagon says
What does he like to do? I wouldn’t push something he’s really averse to. Can you sit down with your parks and rec catalog and ask him to pick 3 that he would be open to? Or ask if there’s anything else that he’s interested in that you could pursue? My kiddo does soccer because his friends do, but he really enjoys individual sports where you are part of a team – running and swimming. Swimming is great because it’s a life skill but it’s also easy to block out the spectators and just focus on yourself. You may want to explore other options that might be more niche, like parkour or ninja gyms or rock climbing as suggested. FWIW, friends with similar sons have found their “place” in both hockey and gymnastics, of course everyone’s experience is different.
Anon says
I think most individual sports involve some degree of socialization and cooperation with peers, so personally I wouldn’t worry at all about the individual vs team sport distinction. I think the line between individual and team is blurry for a lot of sports anyway, including tennis. Like my high school had a tennis team and I would say those tennis players did a team sport even though they were on the court individually or with at most one other person during matches. They all practiced together and had team dinners and stuff, so they had the social camaraderie of a team.
anon says
Do team sports really provide much of a benefit for a kid who doesn’t like them?
While kids do need physical activity, I don’t think it’s a good idea to for elementary school children to be forced into sports if they’re not interested as long as they’re happy, active, and not stuck on screens all day. For physical activity, how about walks, hikes, or biking? Walking/biking to school gets the activity in every day. Or walks on the weekends to go get a treat or to the library, or similar? Or making a point of going to the playground often?
For children who are hesitant to try new things, I know a pediatrician who recommends telling children about all the available activities (my area has art, music, theater, scouts, cooking, and more in addition to sports) and requiring the child to pick just one to try out a season.
GCA says
Lots of good advice already. There are ways to be active without team sports, and conversely there are ways to learn teamwork and cooperation and leadership without team sports. As he gets older this could be through anything from theater to scouts to student government.
Anonymous says
YMMV but I have 3 kids and the “sign up and bribe” would work for 2 of them and be an extremely miserable waste of time and money for the 3rd. FWIW one of my kids got much more into sports when they started to travel and play other towns. Another hated travel and loved the rec leagues where you play your friends.
At 7, he has another year or two before he really misses much. In my super sporty town you can still “walk on” to teams in 3rd grade and not miss much. My 3rd grader started basketball this year with 0 background and is crushing it. Soccer is “try out” and you are put on a team with kids of your level. There is a level for newbies. Football gets to tackle in 5th/6th grade and from what I hear if you want to do flag only 2nd/3rd is the best time to start before you have to “break up” with the sport.
Anon says
Reposting as this got stuck in mod:
Getting ready for baby #2 after a seven year gap, so really struggling to remember what we did right after bringing baby home (probably due to the profound lack of sleep at the time). How many sleeping or parking surfaces did you have for the newborn? Were there things that made your life much easier? What was the WORST part and do you have any hindsight on how it could have been improved? I remember lots about breastfeeding (and ultimately exclusively pumping) as it was my worst challenge but I don’t remember much about actual baby logistics.
Anon says
We had a crib in her room and a PNP in our room. For the first six months, she napped in her room and slept overnight in our room then we moved her to her room full time. I got really lucky with a good sleeper but the infant year was not particularly challenging for us. Toddlerhood was much worse.
Anonamoma says
Personally, I found that I used the baby gear a lot less with my second. We were always on the go, so the swing got a lot less use. I, along with tons of parents, loved the Bjorn bouncer because it is so light and portable. I also liked the bassinet attachment to the stroller in the early, early days because my baby could sleep on the go without me worrying about incline/positional asphyxiation. Other than that, a blanket on the floor or a baby carrier got the most use.
The hardest thing about the second was dealing with my first’s emotions. Expect it to come out in overt and subconscious ways. My daughter dealt with generalized rage (not directed at the baby) because she was so overcome with emotions she couldn’t fully process. She was only 3.5, but I expect a 7 year old who is used to being an only child will have a lot of hard emotions to process too.
The other hardest part about having a second was not being able to shield him from the germs my 1st brought home. We had so many more sicknesses in his first few months, including multiple trips to the hospital for breathing distress. Since your first is 7, getting into a really good routine of hand-washing and not breathing right on baby’s face would probably be helpful.
Overall, I found the normal newborn baby stuff to be waaaaaay easier the second time around. The shock factor of needing to fundamentally change your entire life to revolve around a tiny human wasn’t there, and I had a much broader perspective allowing me to truly understand and believe that the really hard parts (sleep deprivation, BF issues) don’t last forever.
Good luck and congrats!
Anonymous says
I needed a safe spot to set the baby down in the kitchen and the bathroom, in addition to the PnP in our bedroom where she slept at night and the crib in the nursery where I fruitlessly attempted to get her to nap. Having access to multiple types of baby slings, wraps, and carriers to try at different stages is also useful. If you have friends who will lend you theirs (even just to try once or twice to figure out what works) that’s ideal.
Pogo says
Used a bassinet in our room, and the boppy lounger as a parking spot next to me on the couch. We were gifted a swing, but I think they’re huge and with my kid didn’t improve his napping that much.
The worst part with the second was shifting around the rooms. Do it all before you think you are even remotely likely to be giving birth. I was hanging pictures in my older son’s new room as I went into labor, and didn’t finish anything in the office until halfway through my maternity leave. It stressed me out personally to have all this unfinished stuff even though in theory you “have time” on maternity leave. I also know some people don’t shift rooms on purpose until baby is older, or at all/ever if kids are sharing. But for me personally, that part was stressful. Maybe it was my nesting/PPA? I had a breakdown and started sobbing about hanging a mirror.
Anon says
The best thing I had was a wheeled bassinet that I kept downstairs. It was a great place to stash the baby without bending to the floor. If you’re cooking, eating dinner, etc it’s nice to have the baby up high with you.
Anon says
+1. I have the Uppababy bassinet on its bassinet stand but wish it had wheels.
Also +1 about the emotions for your older kid.
Have two sets of diaper creams, wipes, and a pump too if you can do so—one for each floor. I would consider a mini fridge upstairs too to store pump parts and pumped milk.
Im glad I didn’t get a second diaper change table though. We have one downstairs which is where we spend the bulk of our time. Overnight diaper changes just happen on my bed. (Roomsharing).
CCLA says
Like 6 parking surfaces…and two or three changing tables too – large house at the time and I didn’t want to trek. Hated the look but it was short-lived and the convenience won out. Lack of sleep was the worst part for me. Hiring a night nurse was like buying sleep and it’s so spendy but wow was it helpful. Echoing poster above that the bassinet attachment for a stroller, while short-lived, is really nice for the early weeks. Congrats on the incoming addition!
anonM says
Re making it easier: Download an app for tracking the first few days of feeding/diapers. SwaddleMe Pod Newborn – zipper swaddle. Baby nail clippers with the light. Sound machine in our room and big sibling room. Second time around, both accepted/guided more useful help and less annoying visits (ie where people overstay and don’t help/rain check offers for things that are nice but not helpful at newborn stage). Had a close family member stay the night the notoriously hard second night, and while it ended up not being nearly as bad as I expected, it decreased my stress to have another adult backup. Honestly, second time around was much smoother both from a literal medical standpoint, to breastfeeding, to sleep. And, my LOs have a 2year gap and I couldn’t believe how much I forgot/still had to google, but yay modern technology. Best of luck and congrats.
Anon says
What do you do when your kid is bored at daycare? 25 months and still in the 18-24 month classroom because there isn’t enough space in the next class. Earliest he can move up is March. He tells me everyday “too many (new) friends” (the 18 month olds who moved up) and that he wants to go to the other classroom (where the older kids in his 18-24 month old class got moved to).
I’ve also been considering quitting work to stay at home with him (while sending him to a morning program), and maybe now I’m just looking for excuses to do so. (I’m sick of my longgg commute even on a hybrid schedule and quite frankly burnt out by my work).
Anon says
I don’t think that’s “boredom,” I think he’s just missing the familiar environment with the kids he knows. It’s normal and will pass, likely relatively quickly at this age where they don’t have super long memories. If you want to quit anyway, quit, but this is a really silly reason to quit.
NYCer says
+1. This is definitely just looking for excuses to quit. (Which is fine! You should absolutely quit if you actually want to.) Six weeks of waiting to move into the older classroom is nothing in the grand scheme though, he will be fine.
Anon says
Yeah, gently, I wouldn’t view this as a problem or worry about it. These transitions and delays are so common as part of daycare and just part of life. He’s totally fine.
Anonymous says
March is 2 months away; don’t quit your job over this. If he is home with you all day, he will have no friends to play with but you. All day, every day. If you think the next class will solve the problem, I would just wait it out, but you could also look into preschool. The preschool vs daycare distinction is very murky IMO, and somewhat non-existent with age-segregated classrooms. My son was in a small family daycare that had infants – 4 year olds together, and he definitely preferred preschool with other 3-4 year olds when he was 3. But that was only possible 3 days a week initially and he survived.
Spirograph says
Yes, you’re looking for excuses. If you want to quit your job because of the commute and the burnout, do it! but you don’t need to worry about a 25 month old’s boredom.
Anonymous says
It seems like the core issue is he misses his friends, which is understandable! But March is also very soon. My contract ended and I took foster placement of twins and stayed home with them for two years, so I get where you’re coming from. I’m also the poster who got offered a dream job with a one hour commute (each way) now that the twins are two. This is going to sound glib, but can you find a different job? Pivot to WFH full time? Take a sabbatical or something? If you want to stay home then I say go for it, but I also think moving your kid to a new place is going to be way more disruptive than him missing his friends. I don’t exactly regret taking time off, but I’m surprised how difficult it’s been to find new employment. But I also think it’s a me problem: the luxury of staying home has made me realize I want to work to live, not vice versa.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Don’t let your 25 month old’s words make you quit! Guarantee he will find many things to complain about if he’s home – stay home if you want that kind of work (and it’s work, for no money), not because of this. But first look for another job because your current is not all that’s out there.
Anonymous says
It’s normal for 5 year olds to be pretty self-centered still, right? My husband is growing increasingly concerned about our child’s lack of concern for our feelings and needs. This week we were both sick and we couldn’t play with her as much as she wanted and she threw a huge tantrum yesterday and was screaming things like “I don’t care how you feel! I want to play right now so you have to play with me! Who cares if you’re sick!” My husband seems to think we’re raising a budding sociopath. I think it’s developmentally normal and she’ll grow out of it. Thoughts?
anon says
I think it’s developmentally normal, but also probably an indicator that the child may benefit from an extra focus on empathy. Just like sometimes kids benefit from extra attention in reading, math, trying new things, separating from parents, being polite, etc.
Anon says
This. My 5YO is very empathetic (in a way I am not instinctually) so that may color my view, but at least in her K class their weekly guidance sessions focus on thinking about how others are feeling which says to me this is the age they are supposed to be building those skills.
Anonymous says
Even kids who are very empathetic towards other kids or even other adults will be awful to their own parents. I think it’s partly because they feel “safe” with their parents and partly because parents are just objects who fulfill their needs and control their worlds, not actual people.
Anonymous says
Yes OP here and it seems much worse with us. We’ve never had any issues with her being mean to other kids or anything. And I wouldn’t say she lacks empathy in general. She can be very empathetic when she wants to be (for example earlier in the week she was tucking us into bed and trying to make us food…it was very cute). But she’s very strong willed and when she wants something and isn’t getting it from us, she doesn’t care about our feelings. She seems to think of me and DH as her servants and treats us accordingly but (thankfully) doesn’t seem to do that with peers or other adults. I think it’s normal that she treats us much worse than everyone else but it bothers my husband a lot.
Spirograph says
This is just one anecdote, but my vote is for normal. Doubly so because this outburst is after her routine was disrupted for a week.
(Also, I hope you’re feeling better!)
Pogo says
My 5yo occasionally says things like this as well. Definitely when frustrated, sick, tired, hangry, etc, it’s worse. Usually with us it is lack of empathy directed toward his younger brother. BUT he also displays real empathy and kindness when someone else is hurt (he brought me an ice pack recently when I stubbed my toe) or by thinking about others (I mixed up the kids’ lunches yesterday, and he saved the pouch and granola bar that he knows little bro loves – then gave it to him in the car). I think if you do see the balance on the other side, and can chalk it up to being off routine etc, it’s pretty normal.
Anon says
I agree that it’s developmentally normal, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. I would probably say something like “I’m definitely not going to play with someone who doesn’t care how I feel. Why don’t you ask again in a kind way?” and then brainstorm ways for me to not move but be near her while she played.
That said, I think the correct response is supposed to be naming the feeling and helping them work through it, so saying “You sound like you’re frustrated that we haven’t played with you in a while. That sounds hard, I would be frustrated too. Would swinging outside for five minutes help you feel a little less frustrated?” I am not sure I’m regularly calm enough to get to that point. Maybe you are.