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Anon says
My 4th grader is having trouble remembering things, such as bringing band instrument to band practice, sports gear on practice days, type things. What are some good strategies to help her remember?
Anon says
Perhaps a checklist/schedule that hangs on the door for her to review before she leaves each morning?
Or as part of her nighttime routine, she assembles everything she needs by the door before bed?
And good for you for helping her own this responsibility…my mom definitely functioned as my memory for far too long and I have a tendency to do the same with my kids.
AIMS says
Maybe a checklist by the door with days of the week or activities?
Anonymous says
+1 my oldest is seven and a visual chart right by the door has helped tremendously. Reminders don’t seem to work as well for him, even discussing it 30 minutes before leads to forgotten stuff.
Anonymous says
Set her up for success. After dinner sit with her, think through the next day, discuss what she needs to bring, and have her bring it all to a central “loading zone” the night before.
Anon318 says
We also use a morning checklist and an evening checklist for our elementary-aged kids. The checklist includes everything they might need during the day (e.g., special PE equipment, clothes for after-school activities, etc.) that don’t always apply, but they have become good about thinking through each item before we head out the door or go to bed for the night. The checklist is printed and posted in a sheet protector on the wall next to the family calendar, so they can check whether they have Activity X today in case they forget. Good luck!
DLC says
We have an alarm that goes off on Tuesday nights at 8pm that is called “Find your Music Books” for their Wednesday lessons. The kids know when they hear the alarm to get their music books together and put them by the door/ backpacks. Of course there are still days when they walk out the door without them, but at least they know where the stuff is.
Anonymous says
My 4th grader is naturally very good at this. She does it all the night before. She sometimes will set an Alexa reminder if it’s something she needs to do in the AM.
My second grader would go to school without shoes if we let her. We’ve taken to coaching her the night before, checklists, etc. We also allow for natural consequences.
Anon says
I just got a teacher note about my third grader’s poor behavior and choices and disruption in class. I am mortified and don’t know how I will focus today.
I’m wondering if this is the push I need to get an ADHD eval. He has always been extremely impulsive and challenging to parent at home and my mom instinct has suspected for years, but he’s gotten glowing school reports so I just decided to “give it time”.
Or maybe I’m just explaining away my kid’s rotten behavior. Ugghhh. (I guess this is practice in separating my own sense of self worth from my kids.)
Anonymous says
What was the nature of the disruptions? I would be cautious at jumping to an ADHD evaluation after one negative report.
Anon says
Same.
Anon says
Thanks, I do need this kind of gut check. But apparently it’s been going on since nearly the start of the year, he has an assigned seat on the rug and has to stay need the teacher because he is distracting and disruptive to other kids, the specials teachers are also noting he is disruptive, etc.
This is so different than every other teacher report I’ve ever gotten (and I met the teacher at open house and it doesn’t seem like she’s super strict or unreasonable?)
I think in my heart I’ve known something has been up with him (he is basically never still at home and flies off the handle easily; I have three kids so have a general sense of normal behavior parameters)…so this seems like another red flag.
Obviously I will talk to him and make clear this is unacceptable, etc. I am not trying to let him off any hooks!
Anonymous says
If you already knew something was up, then get him evaluated ASAP. The longer you wait, the harder it is to get them back on track.
anon says
Is the assigned seat helping? Or is the teacher willing to implement other strategies? One of my (ADHD) kids has a really hard time sitting still on the rug and keeping her hands and feet to herself, so her teacher lets her sit in a chair at her desk (which was moved near the rug) so her fidgeting isn’t distracting or interfering with the other kids.
And I get where you’re coming from–I was also always perfectly behaved for authority figures and school, and it’s been a shift having kids who aren’t.
Anon says
Hi – I have a third grader who I’ve known forever is just wired differently. We’ve never gotten a negative teacher report, but I’ve known in my gut that something is different. Also have 3 kids, so understand a range of normal. Of my own volition, I contacted a local provider about a full neuro-psych eval last year, and then sat on scheduling it for most of last year because (1) no negative teacher reports, and (2) he seemed fine. However, now at the beginning of third grade, I’m seeing SO, so, so many more red flag behaviors at home. I’m shocked I haven’t heard from the teacher yet, and I’m planning to reach out to her soon. I’m not sure if it’s the age (8 to 9 I’ve heard is a big developmental leap), or that there are just starting to be more expectations in the classroom that make it harder for him. Anyway, the report should hit my inbox next week, but I’m already guessing I know what it will say. Long winded way of saying – trust your gut, and don’t get too tied up in knots about the specific teacher report – just use it as confirmation to take next steps to help your son.
Anon says
Thanks for this. This is where I’ve been, basically. His academics were fine and he was one of the best behaved kids in class according to his teacher last year! (It was a rough group.) So I was assuming no one would take me seriously/maybe it really is a parenting issue. But from being around the parenting block for a while I know early elementary is when ADHD issues can really escalate/masking no longer works.
Anon says
The ADHD evals don’t always come back positive. If he meets criteria for eval, then he meets criteria for eval, and I wouldn’t worry or feel a big need for caution!
I think it’s pretty common for ADHD to appear first at home because kids really do try to be on their best behavior at school! But they can’t always keep it up 100% of the time and they feel safer to relax all the effort they’re putting in at home.
I have the impression that schools are also disincentivized to report issues (they don’t want more IEPs to handle) unless the disruption gets to the point where they’d rather a kid be medicated than not. So sometimes there’s a long build up where they chose to overlook issues.
Anon says
This is just the first note home? I wouldn’t panic. Hopefully you can have a more in-depth conversation with the teacher soon and ask their thoughts on an eval.
Anonymous says
Kids misbehave! Sure get him evaluated if you’ve had concerns but mortified is not necessary
Anon says
Thanks for this. And I’m sure teachers have seen it all. But I was such a “good kid” and I still have my mother’s voice in my head, because surely the only reason a kid misbehaves at school is bad parenting (she already thinks my kids are feral – I have three loud boys and she had three demure girls).
Soo eval for my kid and therapy for me? Lol.
parenting is hard says
girl yes to your last line. My mind spirals for days whenever I get anything less than glowing feedback on my kids because I was a “perfect” kid (or was I??? therapy has made me rethink everything lol) . Therapy has helped me a ton, and meds to help me through this hard time of figuring out what my kid needs.
Anonymous says
Yes!!!!! I have a kid who has some behavioral challenges and it has taken therapy to manage my own anxiety spirals in response. Similar situation, I was an extremely well behaved child at school, as was my husband, so there a certain amount of “what the heck????” In our minds too. Like “how would it ever occur to you to shove another kid??.” Lots of work going on with kid but we are definitely having to work on ourselves too so as to avoid being up all night spiraling.
Anon says
Oh man, one of the greatest gifts of my child’s diagnosis was giving him a lot more grace about his behavior. He’s not misbehaving willfully or “at” me — he’s doing his best, within the limits of his brain and functionality. There are things that he physically cannot do, such as sit or stand still for a long time. He’s also really sensitive to lack of sleep or not eating enough protein. I still get frustrated (because I’m a human), but he’s not a “bad” kid who is intentionally not listening to me or his teachers. Having a collaborative attitude with him has helped our relationship tremendously.
And take your mom’s voice out of your ear about this — for the simple reasons (a) she is likely remembering your childhood with far rosier glasses than reality, and (b) my mom had rambunctious kids, and she still struggles with mine as she’s getting older.
anonM says
No suggestions, but I have similar concerns about negative reports for my Kindergartener. It is hard to know if there is an underlying issue or just “regular” bad behavior you need to crack down on. I get that so much.
coaching says
You don’t need to be mortified—this is just an indicator to get help. The evaluation/treatment route can take awhile and there’s no guarantee that there will be a diagnosis, but in the meantime you can get strategies to help.
In my community, there are well-regarded coaches who help parents with children’s behavior issues and sometimes consult at schools. If you’re in the Bay Area, check out Parents’ Place.
Maybe the teachers from previous years will have a helpful perspective?
anon says
My then-second grader (now third grader) was diagnosed with ADHD in the spring. In the parent-teacher conference in the fall, the teacher flagged his disruptive actions/difficulty following directions/impulsivity (which we were seeing at home too), but our ped said the bar for evaluation was whether the behaviors were affecting academic performance or social relationships. At that time, the answer was no, but in the spring the teacher said his actions were affecting relationships with peers, so that was our cue that it was time to get him tested. He didn’t qualify for a full evaluation through school (since academics were/are solid) so we had to do it privately. Empathy for you – it is really tough to know when to take this step, but we are in a much better place now than we were pre-diagnosis. Also, empathy for your kid – when I make an effort to see ‘rotten behavior’ as symptoms my kid can’t control, I can be a lot more patient and understanding.
Anon318 says
Your pediatrician will probably ask that you and two teachers complete the NICHQ Vanderbilt Assessment Scale prior to an ADHD evaluation. A google search will bring up the forms. Maybe complete and score the parent form to get a quick and dirty look at the behaviors your pediatrician will be looking for? This may help determine whether you need to talk about ADHD or something else.
RR says
It doesn’t hurt to have him evaluated. The starting point would be your pediatrician but probably a child psychologist who can figure out if there’s anything to worry about. My son was diagnosed at 9 with ADHD, and I still regret that we didn’t figure it out earlier. He’d always done well him school though so it didn’t occur to us, but as soon as we started the evaluation process, it was so obvious, and treatment was night and day for him.
Anonymous says
What are signs those of us less experienced/with younger kids should be aware of? I have more than one kid but I do sometimes worry about my oldest and I don’t have the experience to know if it’s just normal behavior/he’s bored so acts out.
Anon says
I’m OP and clearly my son hasn’t been diagnosed, so take with a grain of salt, but all his life he’s been impulsive, intense, and high energy.
Hitting/kicking as his first reaction (since he was a toddler), 0-60 from calm to raging multiple times a day/week, super prone to hanger, never goes with the flow (often feel like I’m on eggshells to not set him off), walks in circles around a room while having a conversation, hangs off the bed while I read books, always fidgeting, had perfectionist tendencies and lots of worries/anxious thoughts, etc.
Now, I’ve actually noticed all these things at home getting BETTER lately, with maturity, which is why this teacher note feels especially painful and blindside-y.
(He also has lot of positive qualities, loves to sit and read to himself, can be calm and intensely focused when playing, is very smart and keen to learn, etc…but I’ve always felt that his hard was just TOO HARD.)
Anonymous says
Get an eval. I’ve posted here about one of my kids. She was in what DH and I now refer back to as “crisis level” at the end of 1st grade. Checked every box for adhd, plus was fully disrupting the lives of the entire family.
We’ve been on a waitlist for a full neuropsychology and her appointment is in November. In July, almost overnight, she exited crisis mode. She still has her moments but she’s no longer explosive, she’s much more able “cool down” when she gets worked up, etc.
We are thinking this will be a new flow over the years and we want a full picture to get in front of things at school so we aren’t caught off guard if she’s struggling.
Good luck!
Also, re: the teacher, I’d ask for a face to face meeting.
Anonymous says
Go easy on yourself. My neighbor got a note home because her first grader was mooning other children at lunch. THAT was mortifying!!
Anon says
At what time do you get home from work, what are the age of your kids, and what is your afternoon/evening routine look like? It was interesting from the thread earlier this week how many people here are getting home when school ends, and I was curious how they spend the afternoons with their kids.
Anon says
I WFH so there’s no “getting” home but I pick my kindergartner up from school at 3:30 and am home with her in the afternoons. We do a mix of her doing independent play, us playing together, having a friend over for a play date or doing an organized activity (currently Girl Scouts once/week and she wants to add an art class once/week). My husband typically gets home between 4:30 and 5, we eat dinner and then try to do something outdoors. Bedtime is normally at 8 pm.
Anon says
I am in a very privileged situation which i realize. I work part time and am done with work at 2:30/3, but Monday – Thursday our nanny (who we’ve had since our twins were born) gets the kids and takes them to activities, the park etc and bathes them before she leaves at 6. This is a change to our routine bc it’s our first year of elementary school and last year our nanny left at 3:30 two days and 5 two days. DH has a big job with long hours and travel and we have no local family. Keeping our nanny is definitely a huge luxury and while my kids sometimes say they wish i could be with them in the afternoons, this is much better for everyone. right now we are in public school so we can make this work financially. If we need to switch to private school we’ll have to reevaluate. When with me they whine, complain, asks for a million snacks, want to watch tv, don’t participate in whatever activity I’ve taken them to (despite loving it). Maybe I’d feel differently if i had one kid at a time, but the dynamic is better if they aren’t with me all afternoon. I use the time for doc appointments, errands, exercise, emails, making dinner etc. and somehow it’s still not enough time for everything. my kids have become night owls and there is not so much time between when they go to bed and i go to bed, so this works well for our family
Anon1 says
Husband and I both wfh. 3yo goes to daycare around 8. Pick him up at 4.
4-5ish he usually has a snack and some screen time
Dinner 5-6ish assuming I actually stop work around 4 and have something planned.
After dinner we try to play in the yard. Bath around 7ish. Usually a little more screen time while husband and I wind down. Stories/quiet playtime until bed about 8ish.
Lyssa says
Good question! I typically get home about 6. Kids are 8 and 10, and my husband is home when they get home, so I can be flexible and they usually have any homework done already. From there, I usually get changed and might get a few minutes to decompress, then we fix dinner, eat around 7-ish, then it’s sort of free time (watch TV, maybe a game, maybe I do a little exercising, maybe we read together) until about 8:10, then we start the bedtime process – brush teeth and pjs, then 1 chapter of a book (alternating who goes up to bed first and gets to pick the book), then each kid gets songs and me laying in bed with them for a little. This is done around 9:15, then my husband and I get time to watch one TV show, then bedtime for me.
It goes so fast! I’m amazed at anyone who can get anything done during the week.
TheElms says
4 year old and 18 month old. I’m in the office 3-5 days a week, but WFH days and at the office days are similar in terms of routine. Some days I’m home at 5pm and other days 6pm depending on the nanny schedule.
-5pm get home / quick hand off with the nanny
-5-6pm play with kids or start dinner if its more involved while trying to keep an eye on email
-6-6:30pm cook dinner (hopefully DH is home to play with kids in this window so I can just cook; if not I multitask)
-6:30-7pm Eat dinner and start clean up
-7-8pm Bedtime routine with both kids
-8-8:30/9pm Finish bedtime routine if needed with the 4 year old and finish cleaning up the kitchen /toys/check email for emergencies
-9-10pm work or if I don’t have to work I do family admin stuff
-10-11pm wind down with a tv show or book
-11-11:15pm Get ready for bed; check email for any emergencies
-11:30pm Hopefully asleep!
GCA says
Husband and I both wfh so there is no getting ‘home’ per se. Kids are 5 and 8 so both in elementary.
I work 6:30-4ish to deal with my team and clients’ time zones (US Central to UK/ Europe), and am done before kids get back from school. Kids get back around 4:20 and just play with each other; sometimes we have activities (gymnastics, scouts, soccer are the main ones) for which we do an early dinner and late snack, or a large snack and a late dinner. That’s about it. Eventually when they make friends and I figure out where those friends live, they can go over to each other’s houses.
busybee says
I WFH and solo parent 50% of weekdays. I pick up 2 year old from daycare at 3. We play outside if it’s nice out. Then we have tears when it’s time to come in, and we spend the rest of the evening playing, reading books, and trying to convince her to eat dinner. Sometimes I take her to the gym and she goes to childcare there while I workout. We also go to the library a lot. On the days husband is home, he plays with kiddo so I can work till about 5.
Once the twins arrive (next month) I think we will spend more time inside and probably watching more TV than is recommended while I navigate twin newborns plus a 2 year old solo. i anticipate on nice days we will just be outside the whole time so kiddo can run around and explore the yard happily and the babies stay snuggled up.
Mary Moo Cow says
Kids are 6 and 8, in elementary school together. DH picks them up every day around 3 and two a days a week, drives them to grandparents. Grandparents bring them home between 5:30 and 5:50. Two days a week, I work from home, so when DH brings kids home, I pause work, get them situated, chat/play, and keep an eye on emails until I start dinner. We sit down for dinner every night between 6 and 6:30. If it is not an activity night, we walk to the playground around 7. If it is a sports night, I take the 8 year old and we’re home at 7:55, straight to her bedtime routine and lights out at 8:30. If it is Scouts night, either DH or I take the 6 year old to the meeting, home at 7:45, clean up, then bedtime. Now that we’re not going to the playground for an hour every night, we’re going to do some family games and enforce family chores.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I WFH 3 days a week, and in office the other two, husband is mostly WFH. On home days, I leave around 4:30 to pick up the pre-Ker from daycare, and then the 2nd grader from aftercare. We get home at around 5. On my office days, my dad is with our older kid (just a coincidence that the days lined up), so husband gets younger kid home. Older kid has soccer two times a week now at 5, so someone is there with him then. Otherwise, we try to eat dinner at 5:30, start wind downs/bedtime routine for younger one at 6:15ish. Younger kid is in bed by 7:30, older kid by 8 or so. One late night activity has him in bed by 8:30. Older kid loves aftercare and it’s one big playdate, so I don’t think anyone would be happy if he was just home after school in the afternoons. And the other days give him some one on one time with my dad. We’ll have to see where we are next year when both kids are at the elementary school.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Baseline schedule: I do pick up for both kids, and we get home at 5:45. Dinner by ~6 (I have it in the fridge or it is something quick). After dinner, there’s TV for kids and I scarf down my own dinner and clean up. Upstairs by 7-7:15, in bed by 7:45 at the latest after bath, books, tuck-ins. I usually do this solo, and DH gets home in time to say good night.
We have family and/or babysitter help about 2x/week. With family help, it is divide and conquer (e.g. I clean up, grandparent does baths), with babysitter, I get out :)
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Ah – should note. The day we have grandparent help, they pick up DS #2 from preK, so only one stop for me – this really helps lighten the day, and DS #2 usually gets to come home on the earlier side and play.
Anonymous says
This was our routine most weeknights for several years. One child, late elementary through middle school.
My carpool days: Leave work at 2:15. Be in carpool line at 3:15. Pick up carpool at 3:30. Drop carpool at sports. Get home at 4:10 and WFH for a couple of hours. Start dinner at 7:30. Dad picks up kid at 8:00 and has her home by 8:20. Dinner.
Other days: Leave work at 5:00-5:15. Home an hour later. Pickup and dinner as above.
anon says
One kid (for 6 more weeks… lol/freaking out…), 5 years old and in K. We both work out of the house.
DH leaves work around 4:30 and picks up DD from after care around 5. I get home around 6/6:30. By the time I’m home, dinner is usually in motion or ordered.
Kid is showered and in pajamas by 7/7:15. We’re doing “bedtime routine” – teeth, books, laying with her for a bit – by 7:45. Lights out around 8:15.
While showering and whatnot is happening, free parent is cleaning out the lunch box and packing the next day’s lunch so it’s all done by the time DD goes to bed. That leaves us a small amount of adult-only time, but with being 32 weeks pregnant I’m usually crawling in to bed right after DD these days.
TBH, we’re all business once we’re home from aftercare/work until DD goes to bed. Timelines are not super rigid, but we are always making sure that right after one thing we’re moving to the next. If lights out time gets delayed it’s because of behavioral things (“spirited”, independent lady, she is..) and not because we were dallying between dinner and shower time, for example.
Check back n 6 weeks and add an infant and this will all be thrown to the wind haha. It was a nice run while it lasted.
DLC says
When I have control over my schedule, I pick up my 1st grader from their bus at 4:15pm. The middle schooler walks home by 4/5 depending on afterschool activities, and our neighbor brings the four year old home around 5pm.
I usually go right to making dinner so we can eat by 5:30/6pm because the oldest often has activities in the evenings. The kids just play on their own.
If my Husband is making dinner, sometimes I’ll take the kids to the park after the bus and be home by 5:30p. Or sometimes we meet up with my husband at a restaurant and have Family Happy Hour.
I feel like time after dinner is so short. By the time we eat and clean up, it’s 7:30pm and bedtime. Cleaning up after dinner takes a looooooong time for our family.
Cb says
Realising as I type this out that there are no typical days. Monday, my son (6) has Scouts in the building next to school at 5:30, so we meet him at aftercare with some dinner, and go for a walk/cycle while he’s in Scouts, Tuesday we tend to both WFH so we alternate pick ups, Wednesday and Friday, I don’t get home til 9, and Thursday, my husband’s in the office.
On WFH days, one of us cycles to aftercare around 5 while the other does some dinner prep, it’s about a 10 minute cycle to aftercare (at the school) and we cycle home, home by 5:30. Typically the non-cooking parent does shower (every other day), starts reading, does some play and we eat around 6, and hopefully there’s a bit of time for play/a chapter of our latest book. Upstairs for 7, for PJs, audiobook, with the goal of lights out by 7:30, although my son typically listens to an audiobook til 7:45, and ideally sleep at 8. The parent who doesn’t do the audiobook cuddles tidies up the kitchen, so we can both be properly off duty at 8pm.
I’ve been taking a 5/5:30 am bus on Wednesdays/Fridays so am exhausted, and I’ve been falling asleep really early lately.
School finishes at noon on Friday, and before this eyar, we didn’t use aftercare, and I really miss doing proper pick-up, having an afternoon 1x a week, even if it meant I was working at the weekend a bit more. Hoping to revert to that schedule oncce the teaching term is done.
Anonymous says
My elem kids get off the bus at 3. They have a snack and chill (usually watch tv or play online with friends). They have an hour of screen time per day so when they burn it is up to them.
On any given day at least 2 have activities between 4 and 7pm. DH and I both WFH. I do some kid driving, he did some, and we carpool a lot. My middle has the most activities but they
are short; my oldest is gone until late.
Mondays: dance for Kid 2
Tuesdays: volleyball for kid 1 (6-7:70), basketball for kid 1 (4:30-5:30) (only overlaps for a few weeks)
Weds: math club right after school for kid 1; drive to pick her up then drop kid 2 at acting at 3:30 which is on the way home. Pick up kid 2 and drop kid 3 at gymnastics at 4:15 (they are very close). Wait at the gym with kids 2 and 3* until kid 3 is done at 5:15. Drive kid 1 to softball for 5:30. Go home, DH makes dinner and hangs with kids 2 and 3. I pick up kid 1 at 6:30, eat dinner.
Thursdays: dance for kid 3, softball for kid 1, piano for kid 2
Friday: softball for kid 1 (optional), tennis for kid 1, soccer for kid 2
Saturdays: soccer for kid 3, tennis match for kid 1, often Girl Scouts for kid 2
Sundays: softball for kid 1, soccer for kid 2
*sometimes I’ll run kid 2 home (DH is home) and grab kid 3 if she’s not already with me, we live 5 min from the gym.
Anon says
Husband is working 12 hour shifts for the next week or so, so even though he comes home at night, he’ll miss seeing DD. I know he gets bummed out missing her when he does this schedule. I’m taking pictures and texting updates but any other ideas to make it a little easier on him?
DD is only 2 years old, so I don’t really want to change her wake-ups or bedtimes that much, but wwyd? Our schedule is: Husband leaves at 6am, and comes back around 8 pm. DD usually wakes up between 6:30-7am and I generally put her in bed around 7:15 pm, although she does wiggle and “read” for a bit afterwards.
anonM says
Is DD sleeping well? Is the routine working? If yes, then I would not change her routine just for these two weeks. If it was long-term, maybeeee, but doesn’t seem worth it at that age especially when he would only be getting a little window. Can they facetime?
Anon says
My advice? Let him lead the way on how hard he finds it to be. Maybe he’d prefer not to dwell or be reminded “I know this is so hard, here’s a picture.” I’m not saying go radio silent, but I find that the more someone emphasizes how hard it must be, the more guilt I can feel.
Anon says
How often does he have this schedule? My DH often travels for work. Now he is able to get away with slightly less frequent stints, but often travels from Friday to Monday. Idk if he’s a doctor or what he does for work but he’s probably busy. Ask him if he likes pics/videos, otherwise this is kind of making a big deal out of nothing
OP says
This is the first time he’s done this much overtime in a row since she’s been born, and will be the longest he’s gone without seeing her in person since even his solo vacations are only ~4 days max. Normally he’s home by 4 pm and is the one who picks her up from daycare until I get home and he handles dinner/baths. He’s on an industrial site turnaround so it’s physically demanding and he basically just works and sleeps, so he’s missing all his other hobbies too. He just seemed kind of down about it, and he has mentioned liking the pictures I send when he’s out of town, so those are an easy thing to do.
Anon says
This happens for us from time to time, and we do facetimes for a few minutes during the day. Kids are almost 3 and 8 months.
Anon says
Personally, I’d chose to shift the schedule so they can have 15-30 min of cuddle time either morning or night (so waking up an hour earlier and going to bed an hour earlier or the opposite). We have a 2 year old and are pretty strict with our sleep routines, but whenever we do adjust for special occasions it goes okay.
Anonymous says
I just started listening to BOBW podcast from the beginning after I saw it mentioned here. I was listening to the Mom Hour but found that I couldn’t relate to their lives as part time/freelancers all that much (like the discussions about adding another kid never touched on added childcare costs!). I feel like BOBW can be sort of surface level at times though? Hard to explain. Sometimes they skip the really important parts of the topic and I don’t understand like they will have a guest who travels but then not ask how they manage childcare while traveling? Maybe it gets better I’m in the early episodes. Is there another podcast people recommend for working moms? I like Herself but I’ve listened to most of those.
NLD in NYC says
Overall I like BOBW but sometimes I feel that some of their episodes can be hit or miss, especially since their target audience is in a higher income bracket than me. However, I think Sarah often has great comments as, until recently, she worked outside the home. She’s since dropped to 80% then 60% schedule.
Also like Brilliant Balance which was recommended here, as well as Real Happy Mom. Toni-Ann is a full time dentist and reservist.
Anon says
Yes, on BOBW the assumption is that you *should* be able to afford x, y, z. They are unapologetic about only targeting a wealthy audience, or “people with resources” as they like to say euphemistically. It can make you feel like you don’t measure up if you don’t fit that category. I’m sure a lot of people on this board do fit the demographic though.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t think there is a podcast of relatable working moms out there because those moms (like me) are too busy/have other priorities to make a podcast! But yeah, the thing with BOBW is that the underlying assumption is that you have at least a nanny and also other childcare to cover, and you or husband make $$$$$, while the other person has a more flex role. My kids are in daycare and aftercare, and we are fortunate to have family around and available, but I still don’t relate to their lives.
Anonymous says
This exactly. Who has time to make a podcast if they are juggling all the real-life responsibilities? The only people with time to make a podcast are those with a SAHM spouse and/or a ton of paid household help.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I go back and forth with BOBW. I also take LVK’s framing sometimes is off to me since she’s worked for herself for most of her career. While Sarah’s worked outside of the home, being a clinician, her workflow is different than a lot of us white collar exempt employees. Like girl, getting to inbox (0) in my e-mail is very different than doing so in EPIC – both are tough, but the workflow is just different!
I also think they forget what GCA (I think) has mentioned here before – not every hour is created the same! Maybe they just have more energy than me. Sarah definitely does :) For me even though I have a chunk of time to do X, I may not have the energy!
I also think they talk about some things (e.g. trends in food, fashion, etc.) and are about 2-3 years behind, but it’s not a pod about trends and culture, so I guess that’s irrelevant.
Anon says
I have listened to BOBW for years and do find helpful nuggets, although I think their experience is wildly different from your average mom and they both can be aggravatingly smug without realizing it. They are both very wealthy and talk about outsourcing constantly. I get that outsourcing is a big deal for a lot of parents, but at my income, it’s just not my go-to, and I don’t want to hear about it every episode. I also find it annoying that efficiency is always seen as top priority, as if cooking a meal from scratch or keeping a home has no inherent joy or worth in itself. I enjoy the mom hour to a degree and like that they focus on parenting without such an emphasis on career but it doesn’t always resonate either.
Anonymous says
I loathe BOBW because they are so smug and fail to appreciate that so much of what they are saying is because they have any incredible amount of money and are basically working because they feel like it, not because they need it.
Anon says
Yep, they are both married to very high earners, not just people who are doing well, but a surgeon and McKinsey lawyer.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
You summed this up super well.
Our finances may allow it right now, but I also don’t want to outsource everything I can – e.g. I do not want to hire a driving nanny to take my kids to activities, so we optimize stuff at the preschool and/or aftercare. And yes, sometimes if I have a “chunk of time” I just want to – do nothing! I also don’t want to track every minute of my day, every workout, every book I read, etc.
Good for them if it brings joy but I don’t think the majority of people think this way.
anon says
+1 to while we probably technically could outsource more (financially), I don’t want to outsource absolutely everything child related? At some point it becomes kind of “what’s the point,” and I want to be an active participant of my life and my kids’ lives vs paying someone else to do every last thing? I’m probably not phrasing this well.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Nope, this makes sense to me. Also – someone posted this before re BOBW and it resonated – my goal isn’t to optimize every minute and experience of the day.
Theirs clearly is. Nothing wrong with either!
Anonymous says
I think the thing I cannot get over is that even though I do have the means to get more childcare, I don’t want to? I’m sure it would be better for me at times but I just feel like I need to be with my kids, even if it can be hard. I know they make all these justifications about how many hours they spend in reality with kids based on LVKs calculations but it’s not the same.
Anon says
Her book talks about the logistics of having a daytime nanny and a nighttime nanny.
anon says
This has always bugged me about BOBW.
I like the Mom Hour a lot, and have been listening since the beginning, but I do not rely on that source for working mom tips. It’s way too different from my situation to be helpful. I like their general parenting tips, though.
Anon says
Same.
anon says
another +1
Anonymous says
(Raises hand from the back of the room….) What does BoWB stand for? My searches are bringing up a podcast called Better Tomorrow and one by Brene Brown. Thank you!!!
NYCer says
Ha! I was about to post the same thing. Also could not find answer on google.
Anonie says
Best of Both Worlds
Anonie says
I agree with them glossing over some things that are the truly most interesting points. Like recently LVK was talking about how she took her “older four” kids on vacation in Europe, and talked about the trip logistics and why it was ultimately better to leave her 3 YO at home. But she didn’t explain: at home with whom? The nanny? Was her husband able to cover more childcare than usual during that time, or was he also on the Europe trip? Was he with grandparents? It would have been helpful to have more details, as most families would not have the option to or even consider going on a trip with only some of the children but not all of them.
NLD in NYC says
+1 thought the same thing!
DLC says
I like This Glorious Mess, out of Australia. Something about the Australian accents makes it seems like it’s okay for life to be a sh*tshow and you can’t solve everything.
I also like Edit Your Life.
I do agree with you on Best of Both Worlds- I feel like there is a lack of transparency and vulnerability with the hosts which makes them seen inauthentic. Especially with Laura Vanderkam. But I also feel like she might be the kind of person who just doesn’t despair much- like either something is fixable or it’s not a problem.
I do like their blogs much better than their podcasts. It’s like all the useful bits without the smug tone.
anon says
Sarah is more vulnerable on her blog, at times. But, like clockwork, if she posts something vulnerable, you can count on another post less than a week later about how she magically solved whatever problem was causing distress. That seems a bit too neat and tidy for me. I also can’t relate to her desire to fill every bucket of time with some enormous goal. I skip right over the marathon training stuff. I’m a runner but still DNGAF.
Anonymous says
Help me with night pees! My 4yo wears Goodnites at night. We have no potty issues during the day. He is peeing through them every night and needs a full outfit change. Then he’s in our bed because he’s awake. I added a booster last night and while he slept all night, everything was wet this morning. Of course he pees right before bed and isn’t chugging liquids or anything. He drinks normally throughout the day. I hesitate to change his pull-up before we go to sleep in case it wakes him up (he’s hard to get back to sleep). Is there a solution I’m not thinking of?
Anonymous says
Try a different brand, some are better than others. And then I’d add a pre-dinner pee, and limit liquids at dinner.
octagon says
Night training is developmental and highly variable, even for kids who are day trained. Can you do a dream pee before you go to sleep, a few hours after he goes down? I was extremely skeptical but it worked well for my child. We carried him to the bathroom, sat him on the toilet. He always peed right away and never woke up enough that it was an issue.
Cb says
We do this with our 6-year-old after a string of accidents and maybe he’s grown out of the accidents but trotting him to the loo at 10pm is so much better than a 12am bedding change. He has no recollection of it, is adorably cuddly, and sometimes says hilarious things “sweet PO-TAY-TO!!” It also seems to have addressed the night terrors he was having semi-regularly, I think the need to wee was waking him partially up and he’d have a night terror.
Anonymous says
Two things that helped us: taking kid to pee at 10-11 pm when we go to bed, and adding a sanitary pad to the pull up. Some kids just pee a LOT at night. My heavy pee kid is now 8.5 and out of pull ups for 4 years but … still wakes up between 4-5:30 to pee unless we take him to pee at 11 pm. Our house is small and it wakes me up if he gets up, plus he often doesn’t go back to sleep, so we still take him to pee. Every night. At 70 lbs.
Anon says
Anyone have experience getting calories into a kid who’s on appetite-suppressing meds? We’re about to start my 6-year-old on stimulants for ADHD, because after trying a variety of non-medication tactics and non-stimulant meds we’re out of other options and she will be less miserable if we can get her symptoms under control. However, she’s 5-10th %ile for weight (1st %ile for BMI, with all the caveats about that) so she really needs to not lose weight.
I know all the usual tactics for increasing fat content of meals (ie add oil and butter whenever possible, serve calorie-dense foods, etc), and we can do that for breakfast and dinner, but I’m trying to figure out easy calories for school lunch and snack, when she’s not likely to be hungry. Does anyone ever send smoothies to school and have recs for a container to use? Or other go-tos that are easy to eat and high fat?
Anonymous says
Honestly, you may just have to mostly give up on lunch and focus on breakfast and dinner. Some kids will get really hungry when the meds wear off and be able to eat a big dinner. If you have an early dinner, you can offer a bedtime snack too.
anon says
This. My son gets probably 50% of his daily calories after 5 pm. He eats dinner with us and still has a large snack before bed. He is barely hungry during the school day. We’ve encouraged him to eat SOMETHING, because blood sugar crashes aren’t good either, but the desire to eat is just not there. Even on weekends, so it’s not a school day thing.
RR says
What Anonymous said. Focus on breakfast pre-meds and dinner when they start to wear off. And your pedi should work with you on dosage. It’s not really where they fall on chart–it’s whether they are growing appropriately in their range. We did struggle a lot with my son–he’s also a “late bloomer” so there was even more concern. We had super frequent check ups to track weight and make sure we thought the dosage was working. If we tried to go up because we thought it was indicated to improve efficacy but his weight dropped, we’d reevaluate. He stayed around 2nd percentile for years. And eventually finally did hit puberty and started growing like crazy.
What helped us was focusing on high fat intake–whole milk, etc. Breakfast and lunch. Send things like cheese and yogurt for lunch/snack. Letting him snack and have alternative dinners if he didn’t like what we cooked. And he got really adventurous with his eating naturally, so that helped too.
Anon says
Yeah, I’m not really concerned about where she currently is on the chart as long as she stays there, but that last time she was on a med with an appetite-suppressing side effect, she stopped eating lunch and lost weight, and that’s not sustainable long-term.
We were just thinking that adding whole milk to lunch would be a good call, either finding a bottle to send it in or getting the juice-box type. Thanks for the other ideas!
Anonymous says
Whole chocolate milk. Send her with full fat pudding too
Anonymous says
cheese sticks (and other single serve cheese portions) work for me. They do fine out of the fridge until mid afternoon so I grab a couple out of the fridge in the morning and leave them on my desk to remind me to eat them.
Anon says
Milkshakes with whole milk and peanut butter (and whole milk the rest of the time – which is better for kids anyway).
Anonymous says
How about high quality snacks all the time? I have an adhd kid and when I’m desparate I just put a snack tray in front of her and let her watch tv. Tray is veggies, hummus, crackers, pepperoni, cheese- all stuff she likes.
I also carry a snack she’ll eat on my person at all times. I let her eat in the car, waiting for the bus, etc.
Anonymous says
Avocado, nuts and high fat yoghurt like liberte meditaranee are good bets.
anon says
No real advice, but we’re struggling with this. My kid’s weight and BMI are fine viewed in isolation, but she’s lost weight and her BMI has dropped somewhat steeply since starting ADHD meds early this year. She’s not a morning person and generally only eats som dry cereal for breakfast, lunch she often barely touches, presumably due to the meds, and dinner is an emotional disaster. She’s picky, but that’s becoming the least of our worries. Not sure if it’s a sensory thing combined with meds wearing off in the evening and associate emotional crash/fall out, but she has aversions to lots of foods and ends up melting down in her room half the time.
We’ve tried various strategies over the years (as the pickiness and other food issues started long before the meds), and I feel like we’ve made barely perceptable progress.
Anon says
This is a random post, but thank you all who post re ADHD kiddos. My nephew was diagnosed when he was in elementary school, but this was in a small/rural town in a “flyover” state about ~10-12 years ago and NONE of this conversation about neurodiversity, diet, behavior was normalized. I know my SIL felt very alone in her quest for answers as she drove to the local research universities for therapies, assessments, etc. I feel like it’s so much more normalized (not easy – just normalized in conversation) on this board and within my circles of friends with kids. So thank you to y’all parents who are doing this work with your kids, providers, etc.
Anon says
Love this. I grew up in a flyover state, and my brother had severe, severe, debilitating OCD. It went undiagnosed and untreated until it hit a crisis point. He was just “quirky” and “different” and danced to the beat of his own drum, etc. etc., until he could no longer leave his room. My mom was a highly educated school administrator with tons of experience with adolescents, and still didn’t catch what was going on until he was in crisis. As a result of growing up with him, I caught the symptoms in my son pretty early, and my son has never thought of his OCD as anything other than a super power. Yeah, it makes him do strange stuff sometimes, but he is so well versed in the positives of having a hyper alert brain that he legit sometimes feels badly for his siblings who don’t have his super power. I’m thankful to live in an area where kids are open and honest about neurodiversity, and it is celebrated. There are many entrepreneurs in my area, so he has lots of successful ND role models in his life.