CorporetteMoms

Updated: Nov 1, 2018 134 Comments · by

Festive Tuesday: Joyful Holiday Wishes Stamp

Recent Recs

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Inkadinkado Christmas Mounted Rubber Stamp 3 Inch X 2.25 Inch-JoyfulYears ago at Kate’s Paperie in NYC, I bought some holiday stamps on sale, and I’m glad I did, because every time we send out holiday cards, I use them. (Kate’s Paperie has been closed for years now.) Just this past holiday season I looked at the stamps and saw that they’re from Inkadinkado, and I’m happy to discover that they have tons of stamps on Amazon, including this lovely Joyful Holiday Wishes one. Stamping your envelopes or cards is an especially fun thing to do with the kids, and they can do it at a young age without too much threat to your cards. This would be a good stamp for a scrapbooker, too, and for $9, it’s a good buy. Inkadinkado Mounted Rubber Stamp, 3 by 2.25-Inch, Joyful Holiday Wishes (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. Cb says

    Spiraling a bit and could use some words of wisdom. My husband interviewed for a new job and received an offer and accepted in mid-October, the same week that unbeknownst to us, we conceived a baby. We’re absolutely over the moon (while reminding ourselves that is early, we haven’t had a scan yet, and things could still go wrong).

    Due to necessary security clearances and long notice periods, he won’t start until mid January, when I’m (hopefully) 13 weeks. I just realised today that due to the timings, he won’t be entitled to paid paternity leave when I give birth or able to take shared parental leave (we planned on splitting it 50-50). In order to be eligible, he’d basically have had to start work the week before we conceived. It’s government so no negotiation possible and this is a rare and fantastic opportunity for him.

    It makes sense, it’s just bad luck with timing but I’m struggling emotionally with this. I really wanted him to take a good amount of time off with the baby – it’s our first and only, and I think it is so important for dads. I’m not prepared to take a year off of my (just started) academic career and am terrified of the ramifications. Apparently quality care for under 1s is really difficult to find. My parents live overseas and my dad would quite like to come and play grandpa/nanny so that’s an option but it is a big, big ask.

    I realise it is early but am just feeling a bit frustrated as things seemed to be falling into place nicely, with a fantastic new job for my husband, PhD nearly done for me with a good job prospect, and a baby on the way. I had kind of given up on getting pregnant as it had taken so long. Emotional state not helped by the fact that I am nauseated 75% of the day and the doctor won’t do anything unless I’m actually vomiting.

    • Cb says

      Sorry, that was super angst-y and I realise I am very privileged to live in a country where shared leave is an option (just not for us). Just struggling to reconcile my neatly laid plans with the reality, which is probably good preparation for parenthood.

    • Anonymous says

      1. Congrats!! On the PhD and the baby!

      2. get a new doctor.

      3. take your dad up on the offer. Even if he isn’t up for full time all day child care, it will be great if baby can ease in with short days (like you leave in the morning, grandpa drops baby to daycare at 10am and picks up at 2pm). If he’s up for full day care- great! Practice saying yes to offers of help. HRC was right – it takes a village.

      4. figure out DH’s leave down the road. After you’re off, then grandparents visit, DH may have accrue enough vacation days to work with federal holidays to get like 3 weeks off. He may have other types of leave available. Have him read any employment benefits documents with a fine tooth comb.

      • Cb says

        Thank you! I’m tired and emotional and point by point helps.

        Stuck with the doctor (NHS) but in the US on Friday so looking forward to trying B6+Unisom or going to urgent care as a last resort and getting the good stuff.

        Yeah, I think my dad would be thrilled to do it. He stayed home for the first year with me (in the early 80s) and works for himself so could probably swing it. Will sit down and have a chat about it when we arrive.

        And luckily my husband’s holiday allowance is quite good (25 days + 10 government holidays) so he should be able to take a decent amount. Due date is during recess which might mean some flexibility.

        • Anonymous says

          Yay for involved dads! Sounds like he will be a great grandpa. My kids love their grandpa! And he’s so good with babies, we call him the Baby Whisperer.

        • Frozen Peach says

          While you’re in the US, get thee to urgent care and get yourself some Zofran!!! Seriously, even if you only take it for emergencies, it’s so, so helpful if you have bad nausea in pregnancy. Signed, someone who was almost hospitalized for dehydration.

          • In House Lobbyist says

            I thought Zofran was so helpful and it gave pretty instant relief. And this may have just been me but a slightly greasy/buttery biscuit or other carbs helped with my morning sickness so much more than anything else.

        • jlg says

          Congrats!! Re: nausea w/o vomiting, try acupuncture and also acupressure beads for your wrists. Worked wonders for me.

    • mascot says

      Congrats on all the good things that are happening for your family. It’s hard right now because it’s all new and different from what you imagined (welcome to parenthood!), but you will figure this out. You’ll both find time and ways to bond with your baby. You may also realize that you are ready to go back to work sooner than you thought.

    • Pogo says

      I definitely know how it feels to start doing the math and seeing how things will end up in 8 months. Hugs, it’s a scary but exciting thing!

      I’m not sure how leave works in… Canada, UK? Can’t remember where you are :) But is it basically the case that since you can take a year off they don’t have daycare for kids under 1 – am I understanding you right?

      In that case, I’d agree to help from family or finding in-home care, like a nanny. Also, is unpaid leave an option or is it just your husband can’t take ANY time off at all unless it’s vacation he’s accrued?

      • Cb says

        UK – apparently there is daycare for under 1s but apparently you need to be on the list preconception. Financially and career-wise it’s not viable for me to take the full year (likely to be employed on an 18 month grant project so even 5-6 months is a stretch).

        Husband has a week off after my scan and before he starts new job so if all goes well, he’s going to schedule visits and get on waiting lists for childcare. Unpaid leave might be an option for him as well.

        • Anonymous says

          What about a nanny or aupair instead?

          UK has working holiday arrangements with lots of places (Canada/Australia etc) so you should be able to find someone who is interested in only a year or less of care. Can switch to daycare when baby is over 1.

        • Pogo says

          That’s so crazy you need to get on a waiting list before you even get pregnant! Here at least you usually need a due date.

          There’s so much time between now and when the baby is born, like others said, you might even deliver late and then it wouldn’t matter!

    • Mrs. Jones says

      Congratulations! I’m sorry you’re disappointed and upset, but nothing about having a child is perfect. But it will be ok!

    • pockets says

      Would this problem be solved if you gave birth a week after your due date? Because that’s totally possible.

      • Em says

        +1 This was my thought. I delivered a week late. Ultrasounds are not accurate so it happens.

    • MSJ says

      Unfortunately it is the first lesson of how many things cannot be controlled/planned for when raising children :)
      First off, congratulations!! If you have a good relationship with your dad, it would be great to take him up on the offer. And while it’s a shame your husband probably can’t take off, there are many other ways of making him an equal partner. If he was willing to take the time off, he sounds like the sort of guy who will step up. Talk to him about your fears and brainstorm ideas to split responsibilities (again you can only plan so much so also be willign to be flexible as needed).
      I don’t know enough about UK childcare to be helpful there, but would recommend looking for a nanny to help before the child is one. It can also give you the flexibility that is helpful in that first year.
      Good luck!

    • Anonymous says

      Congratulations! I’m here to tell you that even if things don’t work out as planned, there will be plenty of time for everyone to bond with the baby. I lived in a different state from my husband for the first 8 months of my first child’s life. My husband was with us every weekend, and we lived together full time after that, and I don’t think he is any more “bonded” with our second than he is with our first. (Not that this was an ideal situation, obviously.) My mom played the granny/nanny role during most of this time, which was a huge ask but which she did willingly. I had to go back to work very early (unicorn government job-type situation as well), and it would just not have worked without my mom. If your dad is serious about this offer, consider it seriously! So, no concrete advice here, but just wanted to give you the input that with a loving family, odds are everyone will end up bonded, happy and well adjusted :)

    • EB0220 says

      This is very interesting. Eligibility is based on the length of time between start date and baby arrival date?

      • Anonymous says

        I’m guessing it’s like FMLA in the USA where you have to work at a job for a year before you’re eligible.

      • Cb says

        You have to have 26 weeks of service at 15 weeks before the baby is born. So basically you can’t start a job with a baby on the way and be eligible (even if you didn’t even know the baby existed)

    • PEN says

      I was 10 days late with my first and 11 days late with my 2d! Congrats and good luck.

    • Katala says

      You got some good advice, nothing to add but to agree that it will work out. Everything is scary/new/hormonal but luckily you have 9 months to get used to it and be surprised by how little works out as planned :)

      Congrats on the pregnancy and wonderful opportunities for your family!!!

  2. Anon says

    Hello ladies,

    I am curious how long in takes you to get ready in the morning (excluding taking care of kid/baby). Do you have any time saving tips you’d like to share to to look professional without spending a lot of time getting ready?I am struggling with time management in general and this week I want to tackle this aspect. Thanks!

    • Mrs. Jones says

      It takes me about 25 minutes to get ready, incl shower, drying hair, makeup, and getting dressed. I have very short hair so it doesn’t take long to dry. Preparing an outfit the night before helps, so you don’t have to think about it in the morning.

    • anne-on says

      I’d say I can get ready in roughly 35-40 minutes (shower, dressed, dry/style hair, do makeup, brush teeth). I don’t eat breakfast until at least 9/9:30, so that does save some time. Laying out my clothes/jewelery/shoes the night before helps, as does having shorter hair that I can style relatively quickly. I pack my work bag the night before, and make sure my kiddos school bag is all ready/prepped. Basically, I try to do everything that isn’t shower/makeup/hair/dressing the evening before. I also do not look at my phone once I’m out of bed, otherwise I get sucked into the email/internet black hole.

    • Anonymous says

      I take a 20 minute bath every morning, then shower and getting dressed takes another 30 ish minutes. I don’t usually rush; I wait for my kiddo to wake up before rushing out the door (with her). I don’t eat breakfast at home and I pick out my clothes the night before.

    • Anon says

      20-25 min on myself. The night before, I set out clothes and make sure I have everything packed and ready by the door, and set the coffee on timer.

      Up after a 5 min snooze, 8 min to brush teeth and shower (shaving only on the weekends, sorry DH), 8 min to do makeup, 2 min to blow dry hair in the middle of that, and then another 2-3 min to get clothes on and check myself in the mirror. Then off to take the dog out before I go get the kids and start that whole dressed/breakfast/coats on process.

      Prep everything the night before, get a haircut that takes minimal styling, and pare down your work makeup routine to the essentials. I do a foundation, mascara, and lip and call it good enough.

    • Anonymous says

      I only shower every other day, thanks to the miracle of dry shampoo. I don’t wear makeup other than foundation/concealer. I don’t wear jewelry other than studs or small hoops in my ears. My clothes are not that exciting, and I am of the less is more camp, which that makes it easy to pick out an outfit in 10 seconds. I try to make breakfast before the kids are up, because inevitably someone needs to be held, etc., which makes breakfast-making much harder! Some combination of I or my husband eats with the kids. We pick out the kids’ clothes the night before. We live in a 2-story house, with the bedrooms upstairs, but all kid-dressing occurs downstairs so that ideally, they can get to it right after breakfast without inefficient trips around the house. I would say I spend 20-25 minutes on myself + 30 minutes on my kids. (My husband is there and takes about the same amount of time with the kids, which obviously makes it easier.)

    • EB0220 says

      For myself – usually about 15-20 min. I wash and dry my hair once on Sun and once mid-week. When I wash/dry my hair it’s an extra 20 min. But usually I just shower, curl my hair a little so it’s not crazy, put in contacts, brush teeth, put on moisturizer and foundation. I put on my undergarments (including bike shorts and a cami) and get dressed after breakfast.

    • Momata says

      If your hair is at all frizzy or wavy – a keratin treatment! This allows me to wash my hair at night once a week, then put the finishing touches on with a blow dryer Monday morning and just refresh with dry shampoo the rest of the week. (I don’t work out so there’s no sweat to deal with.) We try to get dressed and ready before the kids get up. I pack my breakfast and lunch, and the kids’ lunches and gear, the night before. We get up at 6, the kids (ideally) get up at 6:45, and we’re all out the door by 7:30.

    • GCA says

      Here’s my routine when solo parenting (am in the middle of a weeklong stretch). All of my getting ready happens in small bursts in between everything else. And I write down my to-do list first thing just to get out of the house efficiently.

      Night: Do dishes, put away dinner, plan kiddo’s lunch for daycare, plan my lunch, pack as much of it as possible (put in little snack boxes in the fridge). Shower. Check weather, plan next day’s outfit.

      Morning: Kiddo up at 6am. He’s content to ‘read’ to himself or play while I make breakfast and coffee. Eat breakfast, bathroom, wash face, brush teeth & kid’s teeth (5-10 minutes). Heat kid lunch, pack it in thermos. Dress self from socks to jewelry while reading to kid (5 min). Play with kiddo for a bit. Eventually remember to put on eyeliner and fill in brows (5 min). Pack work bag (5 min) after removing laptop from kid clutches. Out the door by 7.45.

      Final step: slick on lipstick after dropping kid off at daycare.

    • Betty says

      About 20-25 minutes, including shower, make-up, hair and getting dresed. I pick out my outfits for the week on the weekend, so that there is no choice involved and I don’t end up wearing all black every day (otherwise my go-to). My biggest time saver is an awesome haircut that I pay to maintain every 6-8 weeks. If I have the time, I can dry it but frequently I just throw stuff in it and let it dry. It looks great even without using a hair dryer, and I don’t have to spend time trying to make it look perfect.

    • ChiLaw says

      About 10 minutes, I would say. I shower at night (have yet to figure out blowdrying) so morning is just wash face, bb cream, eyebrows, maybe eyelids if I am feeling ambitious, teeth, clothes. If you add grabbing my lunch (prepared the night before) and coffee and cereal we might be up to 15 minutes. That being said, it is still about an hour from waking up to getting out the door, thanks to my little monster.

  3. Mommy Make Up says

    I’m useless at makeup. Didn’t matter was much when I was younger, but I need to improve my routine. Current morning routine is face cream + concealer under eyes+ mascara. I don’t feel polished or professional but I can’t figure out what else to do with the 5 minutes in the morning that I have to do make up.

    I look tired and pale all the time. So I guess I need to add eye cream and better concealer? Or blush? Or get a facial? Help!

    • Anon says

      Definitely use blush if you look pale. You can also try a new concealer. I’ve noticed that a good quality concealer makes a huge difference in looking fresh. I use the Bobby Brown one. You can also try a tinted moisturizer and a berry color lipstick or balm.

    • anon says

      Save eye cream and fancy face cream for nighttime. Perhaps switch to a BB/CC cream or tinted moisturizer. How do you feel about eyeliner? Eyeliner, mascara and filling in my brows makes a big difference on how awake my face looks. Also, practice helps with speed. You can a lot done in 5 minutes if you are comfortable with your products.

      • Pogo says

        +1 to filling in brows, eyeliner and mascara. It perks you up and makes you look so much less pale.

      • Anon says

        Ditto this. A tinted moisturizer is a great starting place. I also like the L’Oréal color match foundation in the glass bottle. Nice and matte without being heavy at all. With that I usually skip concealer. The same line has decent blush and you can figure out appropriate shades based on which foundation color is your best match. I’m also a fan of the Almay intense-i products as decent prematched shadow and liner palettes with good consistency and staying power. They have a few options for each eye color. Not a big fan of their mascara though. I tend to use black brown mascara on top lashes only to avoid smudging and looking too harsh (I’m quite pale).
        Right now In 5-7 min I do moisturizer with spf, a light foundation, eyeliner, eyeshadow, blush, mascara. I def focus on eyes rather than lips both bc it makes me look more awake and bc eyes are a better feature for me. Practice helps a lot.

    • Mrs. Jones says

      I’d add blush and lipstick/gloss first, then eyeliner and brow pencil You might check out some YouTube videos about applying makeup.

    • anne-on says

      I’d save face cream for the evening, it might actually make your makeup slide off more than it would otherwise.
      My ‘steps’ in the morning take maybe 10 minutes? Skip the acids/serums if you’re not into asian skincare, but for my hormonal acne they make a huuuuge difference.
      Low ph face wash, bha, serum (if dry/winter), spf 50 (either matifying or normal depending on the time of year), eye primer, face primer (if going somewhere fancy, otherwise I skip it), eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, bb cream, blush, undereye cream/concealer (if I have pimples or had a long night).
      Sounds like a lot, but this can literally all be done in 10 minutes. I might swipe on lipstick or gloss at work, but I’m terrible at reapplying so I usually don’t.

    • CPA Lady says

      I take less than five minutes and this is what I do:

      -eyelid primer
      -eye shadow
      -curl eyelashes
      -mascara
      -concealer
      -blush

      I added the blush recently and I think it makes a big difference. I have the Tarte Amazonian clay blush and really like it.

      • anne-on says

        +1 to blush. I am super pale and it is the only thing that makes me look less corpse-like in the winter.

    • Mommy Make Up says

      Thanks so much! You’re all making me feel like I can do this. Will try to pick up tinted moisturizer, blush and eyeliner at lunchtime. I used to do eyeliner pre-kids and I have no idea when it fell away!

      • MSJ says

        Clinique CC cream is great for my pale skin. After using it, I’ve dropped the concealer. I still have undereye circles but they’re less dramatic.
        Tube mascara (L’oreal double extend tube) is also great at not enhancing any undereye circles since it doesn’t smudge. And it washes off easy, cutting down your nighttime routine.

      • NewMomAnon says

        If you don’t want to do eyeliner, I’ve started cheating and just using a thin, angled brush to draw a “line” of eyeshadow right at my lashes. I can’t find an eyeliner I like….I used to use one by Pixi but they stopped making it.

      • beauty rec says

        I LOVE BareMinerals Complexion Rescue Tinted Hydrating Gel Cream. HIGHLY recommend. I used Laura Mercier’s before this and like this one much better. I apply it with a blender sponge (you can get them cheap on Ulta), add concealer, blush, and eye shadow and am done. It takes under five mins to do it all and I feel completely polished.

        • Katala says

          I just went back to this after trying a drugstore BB and I love it. After shower/washing face, I spray rosewater, apply spf, moisturizer in the winter, then the BareMinerals cream. If I have time, I may do BareMinerals powder and blush. I recently got a set of NudeStix that I use for eye color and I like them so far. Can be shadow, highlighter or liner. If I really have time, I’ll curl lashes and put on mascara.

          I have some shadow, liner and mascara at work so sometimes I do that right when I get in (or before an after-work event).

    • Frozen Peach says

      Piling on to this thread, can anyone recommend good undereye treatment and/or concealer for the morning?

      I’ve been using Aveeno’s undereye stick with caffeine and I don’t think it is making a lick of difference.

      And enough people have raved about eyelid primer that I’m curious. What brand should I try?

      • anne-on says

        For eyelid primer I like urban decay best, but smashbox also makes a decent one.
        For concealer, I’ve liked the maybelline age rewind. Cheap, easy to put on, and works well for my mild darkness. Touch e’clat is a bit too fiddly for me to deal with every morning, but if you’re more skilled with sponges it would probably work well. I’d like to try the glossier concealer next when my current one runs out.

    • ChiLaw says

      I use tinted moisturizer or bb cream because it’s so forgiving and I don’t look *made up* just less patchy/flushed. I am currently using a NYX one that set me back all of $7 and I love it.

  4. Anon says

    There’s a comment earlier in today’s thread about it taking a village to raise a child. What happens when you don’t have a village? Does that play into your decision to have children? If we were to have kids we don’t have family nearby and our family wouldn’t be the type to come and help with the kids anyway. We both work in My husband and I were fairly set on not having kids but lately we are a bit more unsure. I’ve never felt like I affirmatively want children, but I do really like them at all ages. My husband is less sure about babies and toddlers but likes older kids.

    • Anon says

      Ack posted before I had finished typing. Miss the edit function. My husband and I both work in Biglaw and are both about 2 years out from partner. Of course you never know if you will make partner but my husband seems like as sure a thing as there is. I’d say I’m much less likely to make partner but reasonably likely to be kept on as counsel. I’ve gotten some book suggestions from the main site, but I was also wondering what current moms thought? Or if anyone felt this way before they had kids and how it is working out.

      • Anonymous says

        To be honest, if you are serious about kids, I would reconsider whether you both want to stick with partner-track biglaw work. I’m a big-law mid-level associate, and my husband works 9-5. I know there are people who make it work, but I don’t know how my family would be able to handle two parents with the hours and undpredictable workload I have. I also have family that lives close by and is a huge help when my husband does have to travel or work late. I have childless colleagues who seem to think having kids is just like any other commitment (like friends or hobbies), and well, no, it is completely different — your friends or hobbies never fall and need you to rush to the ER for stitches on the same day you have an important deliverable due, or keep you up at all hours of the night because they are sick. Obviously any amount of this can be outsourced to nannies (probably more than one if you are both partners), but at that point it’s sort of a question of why you want to have kids in the first place. I will also say that the older my kids get, the more I feel like I am missing out by spending so many hours away from them, and don’t really think I mean to be on the partner track. [I re-read this and realize I sound like a real downer, but, this is obviously a big decision, and it’s important to be realistic. Biglaw + babies is very hard, so I can only imagine that 2 x Biglaw + babies is even harder.]

        In terms of a more practical response, the answer is that if you don’t have family around to help out or a partner that can spend the time doing so, you need to pay more people to spend more time helping you run your family — for childcare, cleaning, cooking, etc. I don’t know how you do it on biglaw hours otherwise.

        • TBK says

          Totally agree. I don’t know anyone who works in big law, has kids, and doesn’t have a spouse with a more flexible/back burner career. With kids and a household, I now have two jobs. When I have to travel for work, I have to make arrangements to cover my “job” at home. Yes, I’m married but my husband has his own “job” at home and it can be hard for him to take on my home responsibilities on top of his own. (Basically the family eats take-out for the entire time I’m gone.)

          You can obviously hire out a certain amount of the work (like cooking) and you could be like a family I know of who has an au pair plus two nannies. I’m 100% fine with the ~50 hrs/wk my kids spend with other care-givers, but that’s kind of my max. I need my kid time each day and on the weekends.

        • Kelly C. says

          +1. If you are both partner-track biglaw and you want that to work, I think you would need the following:
          1. Two full time nannies, with one or two reliable backups in place. Treat them well.
          2. A housekeeper to help keep the house clean and possibly to help with food prep.
          3. You will have to build your own village by networking with other moms and making friends that can help and support you in raising children.

          However, the easier thing is for one person to step back in their career, which is why so many couples end up in this dynamic.

          • (was) due in june says

            A colleague is a biglaw partner and so is the spouse. You’re spot on. They have two nannies, a housekeeper who also cooks most of their meals, and outsource basically all chores like laundry/dry cleaning or such. It’s not a life I would choose.

    • Anon says

      You need a village. If family/ neighbors can’t help, then you need to buy your village in terms of nanny/ au pair/ etc. A stomach virus doesn’t care if you have something non-missable at work, and daycare won’t let you come back for two days. You NEED someone you can call as backup to watch your kids.

      My DH travels extensively and I’m in upper management. We specifically moved to a place where family is about an hour away. I went the expensive daycare route so they’re open basically every day, and then went to a thousand SAHM parties so I’ve got several neighbors and their teen kids I can call in a backup pinch. It’s exhausting and the mental labor is off the charts, but it’s working. And worth it because we really wanted kids.

      I’m worried about how this will work when they get school age and have a million days off (seriously, kids are NEVER in school these days) so check back with me in a few years. Pretty sure I’ll be paying large sums to local Daycares and YMCAs and Churches for all their day-off packages. Not sure how we’ll address the after-school activities and practices and ballgames, but I can only borrow so much trouble.

      I also hire out all of the house stuff we don’t like, so we can spend our free time doing the stuff we enjoy. My driveway got shoveled before I got out of bed, cleaners and dog walker are coming during the day, and then I’m taking off early to take the kids to see Santa this afternoon. I sometimes get comments like “why did you have kids if you’re never with them” but that’s BS. School age kids see their parents just as much as I see mine, they’re just not sitting in front of a screen while I clean the toilets. Different parenting styles can still have the same end results.

      So basically. You throw money at it if you don’t have the village. And you shrug off the mean spirited comments.

    • Momata says

      You definitely need a village. We found / cultivated ours in our neighborhood, putting in the effort to become and stay close friends with our neighbors. We also pay for a cleaner and grocery delivery.

    • EB0220 says

      You know, it takes a while to find your village. But it doesn’t have to be your family. Our local village does include my inlaws, but also includes: neighbors, friends w/ older kids from our activities, beloved daycare teachers, etc.

      • CHJ says

        +100. When we first had my son, it was really hard because our families are far away, and it felt like everyone we knew was relying on family help. Over time, we have built up a fantastic network of friends, daycare teachers, and babysitters that we can rely on. It’s not as easy as being able to drop off your baby with your mom, but it is rewarding in a different way. I feel like my friendships with other moms are some of the closest friendships I’ve ever had.

    • Anonymous says

      I made the comment but it’s not just about grandparents. To me, “it takes a village” is a mindset about saying yes to help – family, friends, or paid. To acknowledging that we can’t and don’t have to do it alone. Something that can be hard for high achieving women in particular. It’s about realizing that for generations, even when women didn’t ‘work’, they didn’t do it all alone – they had friends and family and community and relied on and reached out to those people.

      Everyone’s village is different. My village is my parents who live 5 minutes away but it’s also my childless best friend who works BigJob who I can text at all hours about all things non-mommy to save my sanity, and my other good friend who works part-time and pinch hits with my daughter (her daughter’s BFF) so I don’t forget about crazy hair day at daycare and it’s my law school mommy friends who email me ideas like keeping a cooler in the car for lunchtime grocery store trips and it’s the housekeeper who I pay to fold my laundry/change the sheets and wash the towels every week.

      If you want kids, have them. You’ll figure out how to do it and your ‘rette village will help.

    • Cb says

      This worries me too. My parents are a 11 hour plane ride, my in-laws are 4 hours away. We don’t live in the neighbourhood where we’d ultimately want to stay (bad schools, problems with antisocial behaviour by local kids) which makes the whole thing a bit scary. However, we both have busy but relatively flexible careers which helps.

    • anon says

      My husband and I both work full time, but not crazy hours – more like 40 hours plus some evening events for me and a little evening/weekend work at crunch times for him. Having at least one somewhat tolerant (if not exactly flexible) employer was helpful, especially for the first year or so. Our families live across the country. My parents came to visit a lot when our son was tiny, and rented a nearby apartment for a month when he was born. But they can’t help with sick days, etc. We have made friends with people with kids the same age through mom’s groups, daycare, and preschool, but they mostly offer moral support, which is critical too. (If we had a real crisis, like an illness or emergency, I would ask for and likely receive more practical help). We can’t really afford household help, so we just deal with chores ourselves. Generally keeping standards low helps! And we only have one child. If we had a lot more support or more money, we might have been more inclined to have a second.

    • Anon (original anon) says

      We do know a reasonable number of neighbors some of whom have kids and might be able to help. I’m not sure we’d stay in our neighborhood long term with kids though since its in a terrible school district and on the opposite side of town from the private schools (with traffic it would be something like 90 minutes to get from our house to school in the morning and back again to work). And none of the private schools run buses to our side of town. If I’m honest I think if we did have kids we would likely move to somewhere we could have room for a live in nanny or au-pair because with Biglaw I’m not sure how else it would be doable.

      I suppose none of this really helps me figure out if I want kids in the first place, but I suppose it is good to know it really is likely to be as challenging as I thought it would be. (Also explains why I can count on one hand the number of mid-level or more senior lawyers with school aged kids and a working spouse on one hand in my office of my firm that has over 300 lawyers).

      • anne-on says

        Ha, I just have to laugh (or I’d cry) at your comment about senior lawyers with working spouses. I’m big consulting, husband is big finance, and for both of us every.single man we work closely with has a SAH spouse. It really, really impacts both of us in terms of expectations at work, and I feel like it is such a fight to get through the early school years with both of our careers/marriage/sanity intact.

        • Lurker says

          Ha. I’d try to call in one of their SAHMs then. I see it playing out like this. Snowday, daycare closed, nanny can’t make it in. Boss, well, my wife is watching my children. You, great, I’ll be dropping mine off there in 20 minutes.

          • Katala says

            Haha! Yes, this would be great. All the men w/ kids have SAH wives here. 2 more-senior-than-I female associates w/ working spouses just went on mat leave, so it will be interesting to see how that plays out.

      • Pogo says

        The lack of working spouses in management just kills me. Even if they don’t have intentional biases, subconsciously I think they forget that you don’t have a stay at home wife/mom to take care of things.

        • Anon (original anon) says

          I face this now even as an associate. I have a dog and sometimes my husband also has to work late and so I say I have to go home to let the dog out (if I can’t find a neighbor to let the dog out) and people stare at me dumb-faced. Or when I say things like oh I didn’t see your email on Saturday because I was at the grocery store. Apparently partners where I work don’t have pets, grocery shop, or any responsibilities in life other than working regardless of whether they have kids. It is very odd sometimes.

      • Butter says

        A slight counterpoint: we do not have a village, and we are fine. Parents do not live close by and only visit 1-2x a year, and friends but not “baby support” friends. Plus we recently moved so are starting the friend thing over nearly from scratch. We both work decent hours, but not by Big Law standards (I’d say 45-65, fluctuating, sometimes more sometimes less).

        I thought this would be a much bigger deal than it is. Granted, we do have excellent daycare, very short commutes, and have been blessed with a kiddo that rarely if ever gets sick (knocking on all the wood). But for us, it works. We are a tiny but extremely tight unit. We do almost everything together, and SO and I alternate things where one parent needs to take the lead (whether it be going for a run, staying home for a sick day, etc.). Would it be lovely to have family in the area to watch the kiddo, or a steady supply of friends/neighbors/trusted ones to step in as needed? Absolutely. But we currently don’t have those systems in place, and while it might be fragile balance, it feels pretty stable and sturdy right now. Just a counterpoint in case the lack of a village is holding you or anyone else reading back.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate says

      We adopted two older kids. My husband also has a demanding job, we are more than surviving with a part-time nanny and a housekeeper than comes once a month. But we never went through the infant and toddler years. From seeing my friends, those years do seem the worst when it comes to time management/getting everything done/sleep deprivation.

      Our kids are old enough that they can (and should!) do a lot of things on their own, like get themselves ready for school, walk to and from school, pack their own lunches, etc. They also do have chores.

      I know adopting older kids isn’t for everyone, but it has been a really great experience for us, so this is my shameless plug for it. And to be clear, our reasons for adopting older kids wasn’t to avoid the “work” involved with an infant/toddler.

  5. Anonymous says

    For those of you in dry, cold climates, what do you put on your kids’ faces during the winter, if anything? I am a bit militant about sunscreen, but my kids’ faces and hands are starting to get a bit chapped from the weather — any recs for a good moisturizer with SPF for them? I used to just use Aquaphor but now realize I probably ought to use something with SPF. And I don’t really think they need my fancy ones :)

    • Anonymous says

      I use Cerave Baby – I think they’re fine without sunscreen in the winter. Realistically, if they have on a hat and a parka, it’s just their nose and chin/cheeks that’s exposed.

    • anon says

      I skip sunscreen in the winter. I probably shouldn’t but he’s not outside that long, not much flesh is exposed, and I just can’t handle it on top of getting all the outerwear on and dealing with eczema ointmentation.

      • Anon says

        Coconut oil in winter. He’s rarely in the sun but the oil prevents/treats chapped lips, hands, etc.

  6. TBK says

    Sometimes being a mom means being thrilled when the school photo people tell you they can totally photoshop out the snot bubble in your kid’s photo. #Winning.

    • Anonymous says

      LOLed at this! (From the mom who forgot it was picture day and sent her kid to school in a stained, thread-bare polar bear t-shirt…)

    • NewMomAnon says

      I asked the school photo people to photoshop out my daughter’s giant black eye – they said they would try, but when we got the pictures back, it came with a note that her face was too pale and the shiner too dark to edit it out. We will look back at this and laugh in the future, I think.

      • TBK says

        I had to call and ask for it. I could tell the photo had been retouched a little already and so it was like WTF you retouch it but leave the snot?

  7. GCA says

    Tiny win: I’m halfway through a solo parenting week, and today I discovered a new tool for daycare drop-off separation anxiety, which is hitting my 19mo pretty bad. Before we left the house I talked to kiddo about all the fun he would have at school today, and said, ‘after your nap and snack and after you play with your friends, mommy will come and pick you up’. We talked about it again when we got to daycare and he actually waved bye and closed the door after me!

    • Momata says

      When I first read your post I thought that your “new tool” was “hitting your 19mo.” Reading FAIL.

    • Anon says

      Oh I love that! My solo parenting tool is to talk up how important it is for us to work as a team getting out the door on time the night before, then positive talk the whole dang routine just like you would cheer an actual team. So at bedtime, “Okay, so here’s what we’ve got to get done together [X, Y, Z]. Kid1, I bet you can do X, and Kid2 – what do you want to handle? I’ll take care of Z, and I’ll be we can get our fastest time ever getting out.”

      Then, the morning of, cheer the whole crew on — “This is awesome – Kid1 took on X like a pro, and Kid2 has his shoes on already, look at how fast we are going together! ” etc.

      It’s the same, really, as saying “GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW!! KID2!!” But I’ve found they are far more cooperative and quick, and happy when we try it collaboratively.

      • Anonymous says

        Yes! We started having “races” but stopped after kids started freaking out when they didn’t win…

        • Spirograph says

          We’re at this stage. I’ll put shoes on my younger child, and the one who’s old enough to put his own shoes on will throw a fit because he wanted to win and it isn’t fair. Sigh.

    • Em says

      When I read your first sentence I thought you were saying that your new tool was to hit your 19 mo old pretty hard at drop off. Your actual tool sounds much better :)

    • GCA says

      Ha, whoops. Writing fail (I may have scored a parenting win but I still don’t get enough sleep).

  8. Anon says

    Any advice/recommendations for finding a therapist? I returned to work a few months ago after maternity leave for my first child and am having a lot of difficulty coping with the demands and with the hit my confidence has taken now that I no longer am able to excel at my job in the ways I used to (due to no longer being able to work 16 hour days at the drop of a hat). I am thinking maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy would help me reframe my thinking. Any tips on how to find someone? I really don’t want to go on anti-depressants (for one thing, still breastfeeding).

    If by any chance anyone has specific recommendations in Brooklyn Heights, that would be a dream come true.

    • Anonymous says

      I just want to say — I went on zoloft while bf-ing (it’s completely safe for BFing) and it CHANGED MY LIFE. Please ask your OB for a rec for a therapist specifically dealing with postpartum anxiety. I’ll take you out for a drink if you’re ever in midtown.

    • anon says

      YMMV, but medication gave me more immediate boost I needed to get back baseline so that I could focus on the (slower) work of therapy. Once things got straightened out, I could drop the meds. I also worked with a post partum specific therapist recommended by my OB- not in NYC though. Good for you for taking that first step towards getting help. It gets better. I promise.

    • ChiLaw says

      Agree that asking your ped/OB is a good place to start.

      I spoke to some therapists who really didn’t understand parenting (#1: “buy this product, it will solve all your parenting problems;” #2 “only a bad mother” would go on antidepressants while BFing/would consent to an emergency C-section”) but once I found some who specialized in, or at least understood, PP issues, it was so, so much better.

    • anon says

      Dolores Caviglia-Fischer, LCSW – in Brooklyn Heights. I saw her for several years and like her, with one caveat – I felt like she somewhat discouraged antidepressants during breast feeding, although she deferred to my psychiatrist. As you have the same preference it may not be an issue, but I felt she was a bit less receptive to it than warranted by evidence, at least evidence presented by my psychiatrist.

      • NewMomAnon says

        Every therapist I’ve ever worked with or known of friends using has been opposed to medication, regardless of bf’ing. I think it’s an ego thing; they want to know that they are making the difference, rather than medication.

        • anon says

          I saw her before and after baby (and took medication before and after for periods of time) and I don’t think she is generally opposed to it, just had specific concerns about b’feeding. I have chronic anxiety that eventually triggers periods of depression, and for me being off medication when I was doing better was somewhat useful in the sense that it uncovered my anxiety. And I felt fine while pregnant. Post-partum, my psychiatrist initially also felt I didn’t need to go back on medication either, so it wasn’t like it was a desperate case. But eventually it became clear that I was getting into insomnia and other symptoms of depression, and medication ultimately helped. In hindsight I wish I had pushed harder to start earlier, but it was also just a tough year.

    • FTMinFL says

      Just in case anyone is still reading or refers back to this, postpartumprogress dot com has lists of therapists who specialize in postpartum issues. I hope you find the help you need!

  9. Toddler crafts? says

    Has anyone made homemade presents with their kids? My kiddo is almost 2 and I’d love to make something for her to give her grandparents. But I am not a crafter, and I’m definitely not good at weeding out the “sounds easy, is actually going to lead to Pinterest Fail” ideas…

    • avocado says

      At your daughter’s age we took her to a paint-y0ur-own pottery place and stamped her hands on things. You can search the web for cute designs where you add paint to turn the handprint into a picture. Our favorite was a big pitcher where the handprints and her baby cousin’s footprint were turned into a bouquet of flowers.

      At age 4 we had her roll candles out of beeswax. It was fun, easy, and successful.

    • HSAL says

      Do they have outdoor space? We’ve bought the garden stone kits where you mix up the cement and do handprints/footprints and decorate with beads/glass. Messy but doable.

    • TBK says

      My MIL got the handprint ornament kits (link to follow) and had the kids make me a set last Christmas, when they were about that age (20 mo). It was so great I asked her to make another set as a going away present for the au pair.

    • Anononymous says

      On the How We Montessori blog she has simple holiday gifts her boys did. Rolled beeswax candles, scented shaped soaps, reformed crayons, stamped wrapping paper all seemed super easy (saving for when kiddo is 2).

    • Lyssa says

      I’ve been trying to do this every year so we’ll have a memento and a gift for grandparents. So far, we’ve done: Red balls with a white handprint, with the handprint decorated to look like snowmen (there are lots of examples online); plain white balls that I let kiddo paint (just a bunch of haphazard streaks); homemade clay with handprints and star-shapes that I let kiddo paint; and this year, unfinished wood ornaments that they painted and that I’m putting pictures in (purchased on Amazon). I’m not crafty and try to keep it pretty simple, but it is sort of hard to get the kids to paint on things (and not themselves).

    • ChiLaw says

      Oooh I’m *aces* at crafts with my almost-two-year-old.

      What we’re doing right now is a lot of painting. I got unfinished wooden ornaments at Michaels, and set her water colors in a plastic tub, and sprayed them with water. She got to use her hands or a brush to put paint on the ornaments, then got to use the spray bottle (huge highlight!!!) to get the ornaments wetter. Then we sort of smooshed the paint around. It really looked lovely, pale rainbowy colors on the unfinished wood. We used a similar technique on cardstock for holiday cards.

      We’ve also used clear plastic ornaments and glitter. Open the lid, pour in glue (or glitter glue) and glitter, SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE, bam.

      If you search Joann’s website for “Creative Girl by Julie Comstock” you can find these prepared canvases where your kiddo can just slap paint on, and the paint will go everywhere except where designs are. It’s really quite pretty when they’re done.

      • ChiLaw says

        See also “Cosmo Cricket Just Add Watercolor” — available on Amazon.

    • NewMomAnon says

      If you have any place you could create a semi-permanent mess, you could consider dying silk scarves as gifts? Dharma Trading has them, and they have a bunch of different ways to tie-dye, sponge paint, stamp, etc. I often use kiddo-dyed scarves in lieu of wrapping paper.

  10. Anonymous says

    Might be too late in the day…but suggestions for maternity tights? I don’t want to drop the money for spanx. I basically want the equivalent of my $5 walmart tights that will fit my belly!

    • Anonymous says

      Thigh-high compression stockings were my solution, which I thought was very clever.

    • Anonymous says

      I think you have to spend at least $12-15 on decent maternity tights – maybe more. It’s definitely worth it. I bought some cheapy ones that were not comfortable – and this is not the time to add any discomfort than you already feel from a growing belly. Try Amazon – reviews are very helpful. I bought one with a belt that I hated. Another with a lace panel that I also hated. Then I think I got Assets by Sara Blakeley and was much happier. They were not easy to get on those last couple months, but they were the most comfortable and supportive of all of them.

      • Katala says

        +1 to Assets. I think I paid around $20 but everything else was just miserable.

    • NewMomAnon says

      I remember these being hard to find, but I loved the Old Navy maternity tights while I was pregnant.

    • Katarina says

      Berkshire. Not that warm, but very comfortable and not too expensive.

      • Alexandria VA says

        If you happen to have back pain due to pregnancy, you may want to reconsider the Spanx. The Spanx maternity tights were amazing for helping support the weight of the baby. I was more comfortable wearing at 9 months wearing the Spanx than I was without hose months before.

  11. PBD says

    Hi all — seeking your breast pump recos. Our insurance will cover electric personal-use pump. Friends have mainly had experience with Medela though I have also heard good things about Spectra. Thoughts? Hospital-grade won’t be covered unless separate authorization is obtained (and my understanding is authorization is not typical unless you have preemie or some other big reason for that level of pump). Not sure how much more it would cost to pay for hospital-grade on our own (rent?), so thoughts on this would be appreciated too!

    Also insurance doesn’t seem to cover lactation consultants. Is this typical, and if so, what’s the out of pocket involved? Thanks all!

    • lsw says

      I’m using the Medela and have been since back at work (and a few times before that to get used to it). It’s been working okay, but I’m dealing with some supply issues at 5 months and if they aren’t resolved by the new year, I’m going to try renting a hospital grade pump. Benefit of my Medela is that it was completely covered by insurance. I got a rate for $45/month for the hospital grade, which would be worth it to me if it helps me get to my BFing goal of one year.

      My insurance did cover an LC, but honestly – even if it hadn’t, I would have paid for it. It was so, so helpful in the early weeks, and I just did a really helpful phone call last week about my current supply issue. If you have the means, and you want to BF, I can’t recommend enough (especially an IBCLC).

      Good luck!

      Also, you didn’t ask, but I’m really glad I picked up a manual hand pump, too. It was great to use at home before I was back at work. And now that I’m back at work, I actually bought a second one. Sometimes I don’t have time to set everything up and pump due to my work schedule, so having the manual at work for a quick pump here and there to hold me off has been great.

    • AnonMN says

      I’ve had my Medela for two kids now, pumped from 4 months to 1 year with my first, and 4 months to current (10 months) with my second. That Medela is still awesome for me. The caveat to this is that I have an awesome supply through no extra effort on my part (thanks genetics) and my body responds well to the pump. So, I’m not sure the differences between the Medela vs Spectra would matter for me.

      My insurance did not cover an LC the first time and so I paid out of pocket (totally worth it). It was covered this time and I was glad to not have to pay, but would have.

      Agree with the above comment re: hand pump. It is also useful for when you forget a pump part/have client meetings all day/etc.

    • Canadian anon says

      I am in Canada, so no specific advice re insurance, but I echo the above comments: pay for an LC even if you don’t have coverage, -5 the first sign of any issues. My kiddo was in the NICU for a day and so I couldn’t even try nursing for the first day, and we got off to a rough start. I had an LC come to my house the first day we were home. It is one of the biggest recommendations I have for new moms. Fwiw, the LC I used is also an RN, so my Canadian insurance covered her $250 visit under “nursing services.”

      • PBD says

        Thanks all! This is super helpful. Renting hospital grade doesn’t seem too prohibitive so if there is a need, perhaps will go in that direction… I was surprised insurance doesn’t cover an LC but it’s good to hear that everyone found it worth it regardless.

    • anon says

      I like the Freemie cups–makes me feel much more dignified to keep my shirt on while pumping. I think the Medela PISA is a slightly better pump, though (you can use Freemie cups with it).

      I thought the ACA required coverage of lactation consultants?

      I agree with others–it’s worth it to pay out of pocket for a great lactation consultant if you need one.

    • Anon says

      Spectra all the way!! The built in timer was a godsend. It’s a advertised as hospital grade because it’s closed system (there is a membrane barrier so no chance of vaporized milk droplets getting back into the machine parts). I found my S2 much superior to the Medela pump I used in the hospital. Everyone recommends Medela PISA (and the ubiquitous black tote bag) because it has a corner on the b-pump market and is the most common/readily available. But that doesn’t mean it’s the best product out there.

  12. anon says

    I used a Medela Pump in Style advanced I got from a friend, and paid approx $200-300 for 1 visit to a LC with lots of phone support. I think – foggy memories.

  13. Macademia says

    I am late to this thread, but I love doing stamp projects with my son. We make all of our thank-you notes after Christmas as a family (or with some neighborhood kids). We started when he was pretty young. Sometimes there are new stamps in our stockings.

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