Remember the pashmina craze? I could see why they were so popular — they were perfect for chilly offices and airplanes. They also fit easily into a tote and came in countless colors. While I may have an old pashmina or two in my now-vacant office, working from home has made me want something a bit more substantial.
Filoro’s Jamie Essential Cashmere Travel Wrap might be what I’m looking for. It’s generously sized, but soft and lightweight enough to wear as a scarf. It comes in 15 colors, including a snow leopard print, and can be monogrammed for an additional $20. I’m looking to add some color to my mostly black/navy/gray wardrobe, so I particularly love the blush pink.
This would make a fabulous Valentine’s gift for both the future frequent travelers and the stay-at-homers in your life.
The wrap is $150 at Filoro.com.
For something more affordable, try this C by Bloomingdale’s cashmere travel wrap that’s on sale for $79, marked down from $198.
This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
strollerstrike says
Paging Anon4this from a few days ago who was talking about being sad that her son seems to prefer the nanny.
I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. The first time that my son didn’t cry at drop off at our daycare and just walked away from me into the teacher’s arms to hug her… I cried on the way to the car. Which is ridiculous because I knew to be happy that he was happy but I just couldn’t help feeling sad/jealous that he didn’t see me as his whole world anymore.
I try to remind myself how lucky I am to know that he loves his daycare. I have a friend who is so unhappy with their nanny due to several issues and she suffers having to go into work and leaving him with her because that is their only option right now.
All to say, you are not alone and this/these feelings too will pass.
Pogo says
I remember when our caregiver got back from visiting her home country for several weeks, and my son (an infant at the time) got SO happy when he saw her, giggling and kicking and reaching for her. It’s valid to have weird feelings about this, but over the years I really feel like she’s truly his honorary aunty/grandma. More love is always a good thing for our littles.
Mm says
Post-daycare nap question. I pick up LO (13 months) around 4:30/5, and most days, she falls asleep in the car on the way home or when we nurse first thing at home. I’ve been letting her stay asleep (either staying in the car with her or on me), but then there’s a short wake time until bed (7:30ish). I guess I’m asking if this is normal, if I should be trying to keep her awake/wake her up, and/or if it makes sense to try to drop that nursing session and just nurse before bed? I’ve normally not been one for much of a baby schedule but I’m feeling the evening crunch.
Anonymous says
Is it interfering with her bedtime? If not, I’d leave it. Daycare is exhausting and I think it’s pretty common for babies/young toddlers to need a catnap after.
Mm says
Not interfering with her ability to go down at bedtime. But she still wakes up once at night about half the time – not sure whether there’s any relation.
anonamama says
Is this nap impacting her nighttime sleep? Or is it just chipping into your evening time together? From this, it sounds like she wasn’t ready to go down to 1 nap (if that’s what daycare has her doing.) Some sleep experts say children aren’t ready until 15-18 months but daycares can force that transition a little sooner. What are her weekend naps like?
You could start by limiting the nap to the car ride only, making it more like a cat nap and waking her up when you get home. You could also shorten the nursing session, if you’re not ready to give it up, and then cap the nap to 5-10 min.
Anonymous says
That was my gut reaction as well – that she still needs two naps and this is her way of getting in the second one. 13 months is early to be on one nap and many kids just aren’t ready then.
TheElms says
My kid kept a second cat nap until 16ish months even without going to daycare. I think it can be normal for some kids. When she had 1 nap and a cat nap her first nap was 11:30am-1pm ish and her second nap was 5-5:30pm ish and then she had a 8pm bedtime. Now she is 20 months and down to 1 nap her day is 12:30-2:30pm ish nap and 7:30pm bedtime. As long as the cat nap is not interfering with bedtime in a way that bothers you I would keep it for another couple months. We dropped the cat nap when she stopped falling asleep for it for about 2 weeks. The transition from 2 naps to 1 nap is hard for kids I think in addition to pushing the first nap later in the day to compensate we had to bring bedtime up to 6:30pm for a week, then 6:45pm for a week, etc. until we got to 7:30pm.
Anonymous says
This was pretty much our schedule around that age. Went back to work at 12 months on all kids and from other moms at daycare the post-daycare cat nap is super common up to 2 years.
Anonymous says
I thought all young toddlers napped in the car on the way home from day care!
DLC says
I thought this too! My kids don’t nap regularly anymore, but the younger two will almost always fall asleep in the car whenever we go for a drive longer than ten minutes. Whether or not I wake them often depends on if I have anything good to read on my phone.
Anon says
I need advice from the moms. My in laws are very conservative and have only double downed since Trump. We are not connected on FB because I run my liberal mouth (to my liberal friends) and I know that my posts will irritate them. We don’t discuss politics at all. Our relationship is generally friendly, but there are weird family dynamics because my husband and I are liberal and atheists, but whatever. The kids love them. During the election (when it was apparent Biden would win), I wrote a post about white nationalism. (Let me also add – I’m the only non-white person on that side of the family.) One of my husband’s idiot cousins reported it back to them, and they lost it. I think that they were so mad about the loss that I was a convenient target for their anger. Told us not to come for Thanksgiving (which was fine because it’s a pandemic and we weren’t planning on going) and that my posts went so far over the line of decency. They also seem to think that my posts were directed at them specifically and that I (first gen American) am ungrateful to this country. They also said I brought shame upon their family name. My SIL piled on because she can’t resist. My husband has had my back the whole time. There has been no apologies or contrition on either side, and they are very stubborn. If we don’t “give in” in some way, the estrangement may last forever.
Here’s my question – Should we try to smooth things over for the sake of the kids? The kids love them a lot and miss them. Would you be the “bigger person” and try to make peace so that your kids can continue a relationship with their grandparents? They are not budging, so it would have to be us. My husband thinks no, but I can tell it hurts him.
Anonymous says
Oof this is tough. I think my answer would probably depend on how they behave in front of your kids. I feel like I would have been better off not knowing my dad’s parents, from whom he was frequently estranged, and who had very different values than our family (and were incredibly racist). But there was a lot more in play there than politics/racism, they didn’t really like my dad and by extension our whole family, and made it very clear they had a preference for the other set of grandchildren.
Your story reminded me of this article I read recently, so you might want to check it out (although it doesn’t really have any answers about what to do): https://www.huffpost.com/entry/in-laws-trump-supporters-capitol-insurrection_n_600efc12c5b6f401aea69eed
Redux says
Thank you for posting this link. This experience, sadly, is not at all unusual in briacial/bicultural relationships like mine. It helps tremendously to hear about other people’s experiences — if only to know that I am not alone. You are not alone, OP.
anon says
My heart breaks for the author. My goodness.
anon says
I’m sorry you and your husband have to deal with this and I don’t know that I have any good advice. I recently had a falling out with a parent after some truly insane late-life crisis behavior (but not to the degree of the personal attacks you suffered) and basically said our relationship was done but that I would not keep them from having a relationship with my kids if they wanted one (which they claim to want). And I mean that – if they want to come over and see the kids or even use my car since it has car seats to take them for ice cream or something, I’m happy to accommodate or do whatever for their sake. Of course, even though we live two streets away said parent makes no effort to see the kids (even before covid and now said parent has already had covid and first dose of vaccine but I don’t expect we’ll see them after either).
Anon says
i am so sorry for you too. this must be really hard, especially since they live so close
Anonymous says
Of course not! Your mixed race children do not need aggressive racists in their lives. Protect them from these people.
Anonymous says
It’s really not that simple.
OP says
I don’t think you understand how much POC have to make peace with racist (or racist-ish) people in order to live their lives. You’re obviously an ally, and I appreciate that, but it’s a lot more complicated than that for brown and Black people.
Anonymous says
It’s much more complicated than that even for white people. Anyone who thinks you can eradicate Trump supporters from your life has clearly never loved one or lived in an area where the majority of people support Trump. I was ridiculed on the main page for saying I wouldn’t boycott businesses/service providers who openly support Trump, but I live in a relatively rural part of a deep red state. My auto mechanic, house cleaners, handyman, many of my daughter’s daycare teachers and dental hygienist are all Trump supporters and that’s just the people I know about. They’re all outstanding at their jobs, charge affordable rates and I would only be hurting myself by refusing to do business with them, if I could even find a satisfactory replacement. I get that a personal relationship is different than a business transaction, but a lot of people here live in very liberal bubbles and miss the nuance that comes with having to interact with people on a daily basis who have very different views.
Anon says
must be very hard to live in a place like that given the events of the past year. i’m sure you will find a way to raise your daughter so that she can think critically about the people around her
Anonymous says
I live in a place like this but not quite so bad, and it is really hard. Not everyone is rich enough to move to a liberal paradise where everyone thinks the same way. I am raising my kids to think critically about everything, including judgmental people who cannot comprehend complexity and nuance.
Anonymous says
It’s not hard to live here actually. Many people who support Trump feel the way they do because they’ve been lied to by politicians, so I blame the politicians, not the people who’ve fallen under this almost cult-like spell. But yes, we work hard to reinforce our values at home and we’re fortunate that our family members and close friends share our views.
anon says
+1. I live in a blue dot of a very red state, and I’m still very much surrounded by Trump supporters. Are they my nearest and dearest people? No, they’re absolutely not. But these are people in my community with whom I have regular contact. And it is hard, and their views do make me furious. If I simply stopped interacting with them, though, that would have ripple effects that would be nearly impossible to undo.
Anonymous says
The county I grew up in went 75% for Trump. And I spent ALL of high school terribly depressed (with friends who were also pretty messed up about it) because everyone was absolute racist, anti-gay garbage. I live in NYC and I still remember the first day I was walking around the city and wasn’t ANGRY any more. I had been so angry for years at everyone.
I work in a non-profit. I have never gone on a vacation (just trips to see family). I have never had the extra cash to get a passport, let alone leave the US. I will probably die homeless because we have basically no retirement and rent outrageously priced tiny, miserable apartments (I have never had a separate kitchen, we currently live in about 500 sq feet).
And I would rather DIE than live where I grew up. It raises my blood pressure just thinking about trying to live with racist, homophobic, anti-Islamic, white nationalist, anti-semites.
I honestly don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t give up a lot to get away from that.
Anon says
I grew up liberal in a very Southern, conservative, religious, racist community. I moved away as soon as I could. That being said my two sisters and I are all liberal and anti-racist. I moved to a liberal city and am much more comfortable here than I ever was growing up. But I want to be clear that you can absolutely raise good kids in a bad environment. My advice is to start early, but that’s true for anyone trying to raise good adults.
Redux says
Ugh, this. Like you, I am the only non-white member of my DH’s white midwestern family. I played nice with casually bigoted comments or jokes for years (one thanksgiving while serving the turkey, my BIL joked that my DH preferred “dark meat”– oh come on, it’s just a joke!) and would either laugh it off or excuse myself or gently correct. I never tried to put a stop to it until my little brother came out as gay. Then, any time my FIL would start to tell a joke (many of which, I had learned over the years, were homophobic or transphobic) I would stop him and say, “wait, is the punchline of this joke that the person is gay? Because I don’t find that funny.” It was amazing how I was able to stand up for my brother (who, mind you, was several states away and had only met them maybe once!) but not for myself.
I think becoming a parent changes you in so many ways, and for me one of those ways is the level of supposedly lighthearted casually racist $#!+ I’m willing to put up with. Our kids are biracial, bicultural, and bilingual. My in-laws find them anomalous at best and love to marvel about how they could “use” my kids to talk to their Mexican house cleaner (actually, your house cleaner is Salvadoran. It’s an entirely different country than Mexico. And her English is great so it’s strange that you can’t understand her). They are kind to the kids but they are absolutely objectified and subtly demeaned and it is painful for me to know that they are walking through this life with their intimate relations normalizing that– even though it would SHOCK my in-laws to hear that these comments and behaviors are rooted in racism.
I have it lucky, we live several states away and only see them once or twice a year (or zero times, this pandemic year) and because my DH is so fundamentally different from his family, he doesn’t have much of a relationship with them beyond these annual visits. They send gifts on birthdays and we video chat to say thank you and tell grandma about what you’re learning in school, etc. I don’t know what will happen when my kids get older and can see what grandma posts on FB, or their phone conversations graduate to actual conversations with grandpa. We have not cut them out, but we take advantage of the physical distance.
I’m sorry you’re going through this too, OP.
Mary Moo Cow says
To be clear, if there was abuse or kids’safety and well-being was at issue, then my answer would be different. It doesn’t seem like that’s an issue here.
I would let my kids have a relationship with them, with the caveat that you feel comfortable that your kids will be safe, loved, and well cared for when they are with the in-laws. My relationship with my in-laws is in a separate compartment from my kids’ relationship with them. I don’t want to deprive my kids of a relationship with them that they all enjoy, and I know my kids are safe and happy in their care. In-laws don’t talk about their politics, religion, cultural viewpoints, etc. with my kids and I don’t disparage the in-laws views in front of my (little) kids. There will be time for nuanced conversations about what Mom and Dad vs. what in-laws think down the road.
I don’t think you have to make peace with them in the sense that you don’t have to apologize for how you feel/your belief system, and they don’t have to apologize for theirs. You and the in-laws don’t have to have more than a cordial relationship at drop off or pick up now.
You didn’t mention how old your kids are, but know that any choice you make now to let the kids have a relationship with them now can be modified in the future. If your kids start coming home spouting dogma you disagree with, then you can revisit how much time, if any, they spend with the in-laws.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I agree with this. OP, I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s not fair that you have to accommodate them, but if they generally have a loving relationship with your kids, I would keep that for now and keep your own dealings with them cordial but distant. If they start speaking negatively to your kids about you or otherwise, I would reevaluate. Unfortunately, I think that if you keep them away, they will get even madder and double down on their views while there is a chance that being around their (presumably mixed race) grandchildren will help them evolve.
I would also recommend therapy for your husband to figure out how to set boundaries with his parents and his own relationship with them.
Anonymous says
This is my take too.
anonamommy says
I agree with this and it’s similar to how we have broached dealing with relatives who are deep into a religion that we do not believe in (I know it’s not the same thing as race, just offering it up as perspective). We lean heavily into our beliefs and tolerance and loving all people at home. When they are around those relatives, we keep mum about the differences but are alert for any sensitive topics that they might bring up. The one time a cousin said that my kids were going to h*ll because they didn’t believe the same thing I swooped in and talked to the kids in the moment about different beliefs, and it hasn’t happened again.
Good luck, OP. Extended family relationships are complicated in the best of times, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m glad to hear your husband has your back.
anon says
Absolutely not. Which I say because I specifically made the decision that cutting myself off from my mother meant cutting her off from my child, who she (professes to) adore. I felt guilty about it, but the decision became very clear when I reframed it as “do I want my child to be exposed to a person who is capable of saying/doing the things my mother has said/done to me? What will she say/do to my child someday when he inevitably displeases her?” That made it easy. I wasn’t depriving him, I was protecting him.
Circumstances were different, of course, but that’s how it fell out for me.
My sister tried a different, and much trickier path of maintaining an extremely distant but polite relationship with her but encouraging a relationship with my sister’s daughter. It did not go well, and my sister has a lot of regrets. And along the way her kid was exposed to all sorts of toxic behavior.
Anonanonanon says
This. My husband is in your shoes and, while he hasn’t explicitly said it, I can only guess the type of mind games and manipulation he was exposed to as a child, if this is how she acts now. Therefore, I believe it is his decision to make and my role to support it. I can only imagine how tough it is for him and I admire his strength to cut it off.
Anonymous says
I would leave the relationship as no-contact for now and re-evaluate in six months to a year after the dust settles from the pandemic. Right now you have a very good reason to avoid seeing them in person, and you can avoid other forms of contact relatively easily. This is basically what I am doing with all of my “friends” and relatives who have over the past year revealed themselves to be selfish a-holes to various degrees. No need to interact with them right now, when all I want to do is publicly denounce them as science-denying racist idiots. Avoid for the time being and then do a level-headed cost-benefit analysis on each relationship later.
Anonymous says
This is a weird take to me. The pandemic precludes in person visits but it doesn’t have any effect on phone calls or video chats or letters. It’s their prerogative to cut off contact, but I think it’s silly to say you can cut off all communication just because of the pandemic.
Anonymous says
You can just not answer the phone and not participate in the family Zooms. You can easily ghost people when in-person contact is off the table.
Anonymous says
Yes, I understand that, but my point is that the pandemic is not an excuse. They will know you’re cutting them off. Which is fine, if that’s what she wants! But it’s not because of the pandemic.
Anonymous says
The pandemic is a good reason to take a break from the relationship without making a permanent decision to cut the in-laws out, though. 2020 and, let’s be real, 2021 are huge traumas for so many reasons. Everything is just so raw right now that it makes sense to wait until everyone can take a deep breath.
Anonymous says
I think this depends a lot on what their relationship with your kids is like. How do you think they are as grandparents? Do you trust them to be loving and kind and not make racist or inappropriate political comments around them? Also, how old are your kids?
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I would inclined to cut them out (I grew up without grandparents because they had all died and turned out just fine), but I also completely understand wanting to preserve a loving presence in your kids lives. But keeping someone in their lives who is unkind to you doesn’t send a good message to them either.
anon says
I have a father with very sexist and racist views that affected me very negatively growing up. As an adult, he’s had zero control over me or my life and I’ve set boundaries to protect myself.
As to him as a grandfather, I’ve found that I have the ability to script and put limits on his interactions with my kids makes me pretty comfortable with them having a relationship. I’ll keep evaluating as they get older, but I suspect I may be able to keep my kids from even realizing some of my dad’s deep rooted believes (e.g., that women shouldn’t work and are solely responsible for keeping house).
Of course, an ongoing issue is needing to keep reaffirm my personal boundaries and me being affected by his comments about me. It’s not perfect, but I’m confident that my kids (both daughters) are much more affected by how my husband and I share household duties than an occasional subtle but cutting comment from him about me, which for now goes right over their heads.
No Face says
“I think this depends a lot on what their relationship with your kids is like. How do you think they are as grandparents? Do you trust them to be loving and kind and not make racist or inappropriate political comments around them?”
This is the dispositive issue for me. I am a Black woman in the Midwest. White husband from a 100% Republican family. (Husband no longer IDs as GOP because of Trump). Biracial children. My in-laws are excellent grandparents. They are loving and affectionate. They also love me very dearly, and have always treated me and my side of the family very well. If something they said bothered me, I could tell them to stop saying that in front of the kids and they would respect that. If I said they hurt my feelings, they would be really upset because they don’t’ want to hurt my feelings. They don’t talk about politics in front of the kids.
Your in-law’s behavior seems very different from my in-law’s behavior. Hearing racist beliefs from someone you care about is incredibly painful; I would not want my kids to hear that from beloved grandparents (or my husband to hear that from his own parents). If your husband wants to go NC, then go NC. I grew up in a different state from my grandparents and it was fine. Your kids will be fine.
OP says
I just want to say – I really appreciate how thoughtful these comments are. Thank you. It feels good to discuss this and get different perspectives. Some really good advice and questions here.
anon says
I don’t have an answer for you. I’d probably welcome some time apart. However, make sure tell yours kids in an age appropriate way.
My grandmother was distant from me. As a kid, I thought it was because I lived “far” away, but as an adult, I realize that it wasn’t far and easily reachable by train if she wasn’t up for driving.
I’ve mulled why she didn’t care much about me or help my family during difficult times. I wish someone had explained why when I was old enough to wonder. That she was racist is a likely possibility, and easier than wondering if there was something about me that was unlovable.
Pogo says
I don’t have anything more to add, but this post again reminded me of the many and subtle ways white privilege can present. My in-laws and parents to some degree are what I’d call lightly racist Trump tolerators, but we’re all white. My kids are white. It’s not the same for me to deal with, and it’s good to be reminded of that.
kiwi says
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I wouldn’t lie to them, but I think you can try to smooth things over in an honest way, especially since they’ve had time to cool down. If this reflects your feelings you can tell them “My post wasn’t aimed at you, or anyone in particular. I respect you a great deal, and there are many, many wonderful parts of our relationship I don’t want to lose touch, and for our kids to lose their grandparents, because we disagree about politics.” I’d also unfriend your SIL stat.
Anonanonanon says
We’re in a similar situation except it’s been two years now.
1. These are your husband’s parents. It is VERY admirable that he is putting you and your children over them. Of course he should, but people from toxic families don’t always do that. So kudos to him.
2. Because they are his parents, I think he gets more of a say in this than you do. If he doesn’t want a relationship, then I think that’s that.
3. We have not seen or spoken to my in-laws- who live 20 minutes away- in over two years. We explained to my older one that it is not his fault, he didn’t do anything wrong, but that they are getting older and when people get older their brains sometimes change and theirs changed in a way that made them say some really not nice things about people, and we asked them to stop and they got mad.
We/our kids are fine and honestly it’s a bigger load off than I imagined to not have to consistently navigate a dynamic where I have to choose between letting them say inappropriate things in front of my kid and setting them off. If my husband wants to open the door, that’s up to him. But right now, my job is to support what he wants to do about his relationship with his parents.
Anonymous says
For me it would depend on how they behave in front of the kids, and whether your husband is interested in reconciling. I don’t think you should do it if he has reasons for maintaining distance outside of his support for you. I also would cut contact if you get even a whiff that the in laws said anything disparaging about you to your kids.
With the huge caveat that I am white and cannot fully understand everything in play here (although I do understand how problematic it is to expect a woman of color to push down her own feelings and play nice with toxic white people), I would probably try to be the bigger person and at least make an overture. Something to the effect that you recognize that your political views are different, but your post was not directed at them, and you’re disappointed that it has caused a rift in the family. Blah blah, the kids love you and miss you, and we would like you to have a relationship with them. Can we please put this aside and move forward. At least lob that over and see how it lands. If they come back with something mean, you can move on with a clear conscience.
As for how it might impact your kids: Many of the older generation of my dad’s side of the family is casually racist in a way that was typical of the time and place they were raised. I was never confused about whether that was OK (again, I recognize this would feel very different to a mixed-race child, so ymmv). My mom, who was not raised in the South, would jump in in the moment to correct racial slurs, and later would initiate a more in depth conversation about why grandma used those words and how and why they are not acceptable. My dad is very conservative and I also avoid politics with him except to correct in the moment if he uses a racially-charged term or implies that someone only got to where they are because of affirmative action. Luckily that has never happened in front of the kids, and he’s not the type to spend time with them without me in earshot.
BabyBoom says
So I am a white mom of biracial kids. I live in a red state but I am fortunate that most of my family is slightly progressive. I understand that as a white woman dealing with white family members it is far easier for me to take certain actions with my family. However, even though I know my conservative relatives aren’t going to discuss the finer points of Trump policy (to the extent there are any), I do not allow them to spend any time alone with my kids. The subtle (and not so subtle) racist beliefs have a way of coming out. Even if they aren’t comments directed at my kids – I don’t want them around people who will casually mention in conversation that George Floyd was a criminal that had it coming. That’s just an example, but these are the things that will confuse the kids, especially when they hear it from someone they love.
So we do see the conservative relatives, usually in groups (pre-pandemic) and for short periods of time. Now we do zoom calls that I will totally cut off when someone says something out of line. My conservative relatives just think I have just gone full militant lesbian feminist – and I am ok with that. I don’t feel the need to explain myself if they are not going to listen. I do engage more on issues of race with the younger relatives (like my brother and his kids).
I can see how this approach would be difficult for you – because I can only imagine that these comments will be directed at you as well as your children. I would support continuing no contact if they cannot apologize for their actions. American society has constantly told people of color to be the “bigger person” and ignore racism so white people can be comfortable. You and your children deserve to be comfortable in your family and it does not make you a “lesser person” to demand that.
Anon says
I am related to insane people as well so I am sorry for your situation and I understand it. What I do is pretend it hasn’t happened. Let them cool off and if your husband wants to celebrate holidays or whatever reach out as if nothing has happened. I am going to assume that they don’t actually go talk politics with kids and have a pretty normal seeming relationship and then there’s the side, separate from the kids, full of insane Trump support and racism that they don’t appear to apply to their own family? Because in this situation I personally recognize that my relatives are unfortunate people, but I can compartmentalize it. Only you know what is right for your situation, though.
Redux says
Ugh, this. Like you, I am the only non-white member of my DH’s white midwestern family. I played nice with casually bigoted comments or jokes for years (one thanksgiving while serving the turkey, my BIL joked that my DH preferred “dark meat”– oh come on, it’s just a joke!) and would either laugh it off or excuse myself or gently correct. I never tried to put a stop to it until my little brother came out as gay. Then, any time my FIL would start to tell a joke (many of which, I had learned over the years, were homophobic or transphobic) I would stop him and say, “wait, is the punchline of this joke that the person is gay? Because I don’t find that funny.” It was amazing how I was able to stand up for my brother (who, mind you, was several states away and had only met them maybe once!) but not for myself.
I think becoming a parent changes you in so many ways, and for me one of those ways is the level of supposedly lighthearted casually racist $#!+ I’m willing to put up with. Our kids are biracial, bicultural, and bilingual. My in-laws find them anomalous at best and love to marvel about how they could “use” my kids to talk to their Mexican house cleaner (actually, your house cleaner is Salvadoran. It’s an entirely different country than Mexico. And her English is great so it’s strange that you can’t understand her). They are kind to the kids but they are absolutely objectified and subtly demeaned and it is painful for me to know that they are walking through this life with their intimate relations normalizing that– even though it would SHOCK my in-laws to hear that these comments and behaviors are rooted in racism.
I have it lucky, we live several states away and only see them once or twice a year (or zero times, this pandemic year) and because my DH is so fundamentally different from his family, he doesn’t have much of a relationship with them beyond these annual visits. They send gifts on birthdays and we video chat to say thank you and tell grandma about what you’re learning in school, etc. I don’t know what will happen when my kids get older and can see what grandma posts on FB, or their phone conversations graduate to actual conversations with grandpa. We have not cut them out, but we take advantage of the physical distance.
I’m sorry you’re going through this too, OP.
Redux says
Sorry, duplicated above.
Sports bra says
Can anyone recommend a really good high impact sports bra? My Target ones are not cutting it ever since I had my second baby. I’m still breastfeeding so maybe that will change, but for now I need something better.
No Face says
My favorite is the SheFit Ultimate. Straps and band are fully adjustable.
Anon says
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08FBWF6LQ/
34F says
Brooks Juno!
Pogo says
Also like the Brooks Fiona. I’m a 34DD/E.
anon says
How do you approach discussing family mental illness with children in an age appropriate way, especially if the illness is stigmatized? Several generations on my dad’s side of the family w similar issues. I deal with this issue. Kid is exhibiting signs of same issue. My mother dealt with it through complete denial that there was any kind of a problem and shutting down and punishing me when I told her I needed help. I don’t want to do that, obviously. Child is in a lower elementary school grade and has an age appropriate lack of judgement re: what information you can tell people.
Anon says
do you see a therapist and/or does child see a therapist? those would probably be good people to ask
Anonymous says
Don’t label the family issues at this age. It won’t help the child understand what is going on. Kids don’t understand the labels or the context and are liable to blurt out inappropriate things. Do talk about what actually happens and acknowledge behaviors that are not normal. If a family member behaves in a hurtful way, don’t excuse or explain away the behavior and do tell the child that it’s not okay for the family member to treat people that way. If the child needs help themself, talk with the child’s therapist/psychologist about age-appropriate explanations for their own issues.
Teach your kids to distinguish “private” from “secret” long before you start asking them to keep important information private.
Anonanonanon says
I can’t speak to talking to your child about their own potential illness, but I have an Aunt I was/am close to who has severe mental illness that has led to fairly extended hospital stays a few times in my life. In between, she is “fine,” at least from the outside.
When I was little my mom, a nurse, explained it along the lines of “Aunt Anon is in the hospital because she is sick and they can give her the right medicine to get better. You know how diabetes is because some chemicals and organs in the body don’t work right, and it’s no one’s fault? Or how you have asthma? Well, the chemicals in Aunt Anon’s body don’t work right all the time, and it can affect her brain. She needs special medicine that can help make the chemicals right again, and sometimes that medicine has to be given in a hospital. It’s not her fault, just like diabetes or asthma isn’t someone’s fault.”
I was raised to think of it as a health condition, and I still think of it that way.
Anonymous says
This is very relevant/intersting to me. My sister is bipolar and was diagnosed in her late 20s after a massive episode. She’s stable, has a good job and lives alone, is now sober, but is heavily medicated and will occasionally go through pretty low periods (nothing like the ones that got her hospitalized pre diagnosis, though). My kids are getting old enough to ask why they can’t have Auntie babysit, or sleep at Auntie’s house, and we are trying to work through how to share that.
We decided after her last incident that we can’t trust her with the kids until the kids are old enough to take care of themselves (10? 13? TBD as my oldest is 8). She goes for years and is fine and every so often something happens and she has a drink (which becomes 20 drinks) or her meds act up and it’s a Whole Thing that we don’t want my kids anywhere near. And it’s so, so hard because 98% of the time she is an amazing awesome loving and doting auntie.
Anonanonanon says
Yes that is what my Aunt struggles with. She is prone to being fine for a few years and then, thinking she is fine and the side effects of her meds are not worth it, will go off of them. She can’t help it, I’m told that is a very normal part of the disease, and if you think about it, who among us has not finished antibiotics early at one point because we thought we were fine and didn’t need them anymore and our stomach hurt? (yes, we know better now from antibiotic resistance)
Anyway, that worked fine for me as a kid. We did a lot of special things together, she never had a girl so she took me for manicures, for example. But, now that you mention it, I don’t think that really started until I was 10 or so.
EP-er says
I’m not sure exactly what you are going through. We just had a talk about mental illness at dinner the other day which went like this: if you have a broken leg, you don’t walk around on it. You got to the orthopedic dr. If you have stomach problem, you go to the GI. If you have a mental health issue, you see a psychiatrist or psychologist. They are all problems with your body to work with experts on.
We have an issue with my oldest not sharing what he sees as “bad” information. I tell him all the time that we can work through any issue together, but if I don’t know (or you lie about it) than I can’t help you. (See not wearing retainer because a new tooth is in the way. Instead of raising the issue, he just stopped wearing it. )
So Anon says
You talk about it, plainly and openly in an age appropriate manner like you would if your family had a history of any other illness. This has been an open topic of conversation in my house since my kids were very little, largely because their dad, my ex, has been hospitalized numerous times for serious mental health issues. My mom is a bit taken aback when I openly talk about it in front of my kids, but that is her perception and not something I am going to accommodate. I talk to my kids about how the brain can get sick just like any other part of the body. When someone’s brain is sick, sometimes that person needs medicine, just like you would take an antibiotic or insulin (we have Type 1 in the family as well), sometimes they need therapy (just like you need someone to show you how to move if you hurt your knee). We talk about how important it is to take care of our brains and mental health, just like we do the other parts of our bodies. I normalize going to therapy, and say that I expect that they may need to go to therapy as well at some time (one kid has already). The other part of it is that I normalize it for myself. I have no problem if my son discloses that mommy has a therapist. I have also disclosed to all who need to know that there are significant mental health problems (teachers, principal, physicians), so that those individuals were not surprised when a kid said that daddy is in the hospital because his brain is sick and that is where he needs to be to get better. It has happened enough times that, at this point, my kids are used to it and don’t think it is a big deal.
Anonymous says
It’s different when you are still married to the person, though. Stigma is real, and it’s not fair to your spouse to let your kids tell the entire community. I prefer just saying “so and so is in the hospital because some medicine they take to stay healthy stopped working, and the doctors need to figure out a new medicine.” With little ones it’s not necessary to specify that the medicine is for brain chemistry.
Anonymous says
AND that’s why stigma is real.
So what. Tell everyone. Get help. Stop stigma.
Anonymous says
Ruining an individual’s life does nothing to stop stigma.
So Anon says
It is a large leap to say that being forthright, in an age-appropriate way, about mental health will ruin someone’s life.
So Anon says
This happened frequently while we were still married. Denying the kids’ reality would not serve them well. Their dad’s behavior changed, including towards them, and I felt (and continue to feel) that it is important to know that Dad was acting differently because his brain was sick. He was in the hospital where the doctors and nurses could help his health, including his behavior and brain chemistry. They did not need receive the details, but I am adamant that mental health is a thing we talk about.
Also, I am very upfront that mommy took medicine for a while because my brain kept worrying about things, and the medicine helped my worries. Normalize it all.
Anonymous says
This is interesting to me, since I come from a family that isn’t very forthright about physical health issues either. My mom had breast cancer when I was 8 and I didn’t know until I was an adult when my mom told me I should get tested for the faulty gene. So while I can understand the perspective that you shouldn’t treat physical health and mental health any differently, I think some people are just super private about health stuff in general and I don’t think that’s necessarily the wrong decision. I’m sure I would have been really freaked out about it (I was and still am a very anxious person) so I think it was better that they waited until it was all in the past to tell me.
2nd Kid says
To the extent that you could plan/control it, how did you decide on spacing your children? We have 1 who is a little over 6 months now. I really wanted to do 2 under 2 because my brother and I were a year apart and emotionally close. Also I just kind of want to get it over with already and be done with the babies. BUT part of my brain keeps saying you just started feeling normal physically, you were just pregnant, started sleeping again, etc. and I wonder if I’m ready yet. I know we wouldn’t really need to start trying for another few months to get the 2 under 2ish, but I’m already thinking about it.
A few additional details: I am under 35 so no AMA nonsense. DH is older to the extent that matters. We definitely do want a second child just deciding on the when. My husband says we could start trying tomorrow if I wanted, but he doesn’t have to be pregnant.
Anon says
Caveat: I have not done this yet!
We currently have one child – 16 weeks. We did IVF and, statistically, have enough euploid embryos banked to be able to complete our family with several more children. I’ll be 41 next week. We’d like 2 children, possibly 3. So I plan to breastfeed for a year, then stop so that we can prep for the next embryo transfer (if all goes smoothly, it will be 3-4 months between stopping breastfeeding and an embryo transfer – but obviously can be delays, transfer can fail, etc).
Anonymous says
Ours are two years (22 months) apart and I really like it. My brother and I are 18 months apart and I have great memories of having him as a playmate. My husband is over 3 years apart from his sibling, 6 from the other, and he found that to be too big of a distance in terms of getting along until they were adults. Yes the first year of having two was hard, and yes pregnancy the second time was hard, but I knew I wanted to do it and just kind of psyched myself up to get it over with. It helped that we were both firm on only two so it was easy to tell myself the second time that it was the last time I would be dealing with the inconvenience and discomfort of pregnancy. FWIW we started trying right when the first turned one but it didn’t happen until I stopped nursing two months later. But now they play together, at 2 and 4, and it is AMAZING.
Anonanonanon says
Mine are quite far apart, as in 8.5 years apart, and I often wish my life circumstances had allowed me to have them closer together. That’s easy to say from my side of the fence, of course, but I do not enjoy the baby stage and toddler years, while at least enjoyable, are rough. I wish I could have gotten all of the “h3ll” aspects over at once. It is truly amazing how much things improve once a kid is 4 or 5, and if everyone in the house can be that age or older quickly, you’ll get to have so many more experiences as a family. Vacations that don’t have to take nap time into account, eating in restaurants with no one having to leave the table to deal with the crying child away from everyone else, everyone being able to sit still on an airplane, kids being in activities without having to walk a baby around an elementary-school-aged child’s practice past the baby’s bedtime, etc.
To each their own, of course. And there are some advantages to the kids being further apart. It’s easier to find and trust a baby sitter, because I have a kid who can report to me exactly what happened and call/text me if they have the sense something is off. I only paid for one daycare at a time. I don’t yet have to juggle the conflicting activities schedule of two children. I got to significantly advance in my career between kids before being back on “mommy track” for a year with pregnancy/newborn stage. I had time to be much more financially secure for my second. I had an excuse to buy all new baby stuff for my second.
anon says
With DS1 we started trying at 18 months, and they are 2.5 years apart. My younger two are exactly 2 years apart. I love this because they are each two grades apart, which is convenient (our school loops so they are on the same cycle and don’t have as much as overlap between activities as they would if they are only one grade apart). I definitely saw a difference between a 2.5 y/o and a 2 y/o in terms of maturity and helpfulness with a newborn in the house. I was really conscious of the fact that I wasn’t back at work for 2 years when my third was born. That was the biggest factor for me, I just felt like I was taking so much leave – each time, I had to wind down projects, and then get started again, so I wasn’t just out mat time but also a month or so before and a month or so after.
Anonymous says
We looked at a few factors, including my own physical and emotional recovery (both took a couple years to be honest- major tear that took a long time to feel normal), our own family history and family relationships (I’m 3.5 years older than my sibling and thought that was ideal!), age (had first at 32 after years of fertility problems that were now resolved), and work stuff as my spouse was at a slightly turbulent point in his career. Our ultimate hope considering all that was 3-4 years apart so we started trying when oldest was just over 2. Took a while and the kids are 3.5 years apart. We love the age difference- oldest was much easier by 3.5, sleeping, out of diapers etc and they are total best buddies now! I’ve always been very close to my sibling as well. Spouse is 2 years older than his sibling and they’re not that close – perhaps that depends more on personality and family culture. Not all factors worked out perfectly; spouse ended up starting a new job less than two weeks after second baby was born – it’s a great job and he’s still there but we had been hoping he could take some leave as he did with the first. I had major PPD and do think it would’ve been less so if he’s been able to be home for a few weeks.
CCLA says
I wanted to get the hard stuff over relatively quickly, but knew that I wasn’t ready to be pregnant again until things had settled a bit after first kid. So we went for it aiming for 2 years. Our reasoning was that as soon as we felt reasonably ready we would go for it in order to consolidate the tough infant years (neither of us adored the newborn stage and viewed it as something to get through…ymmv). Ours are 25 months apart, now 2 and 4, and I’m super glad we did it that way. I can see for our friends who have 3-4yos and newborns that it’s a little easier in the first few months since older kid is more self sufficient, but I wouldn’t change it. At 2 and 4 they are really close and play together very well.
Anon says
We never even considered two under 2.5. It seemed way too exhausting and challenging, plus I wanted to do extended breastfeeding and my OB strongly recommended a minimum of 18 months between pregnancies. We started talking about TTC a second when our first turned 2, but we didn’t actually feel ready until she was 3.5 so kids will be 4.5 years apart. I’m old-ish (33 at the first birth, will be 37 at the second) but didn’t feel a lot of fertility pressure because we basically conceived #1 just by looking at each other, and women in my family regularly have babies around or even past 40. I don’t think family history is a guarantee of anything, but it has some relevance and definitely took a bit of the time pressure off me. Most of my friends did 2 under 2, but I don’t think I would have survived that with my sanity, marriage and career in tact. I’m worried about having two period, even though my 4 year old is pretty independent.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Of the friends and coworkers I know with more than 1 kid (little and grown for many), most had kids 2-3 years apart. My kids are 2.5 years apart. We were lucky in getting the spacing we wanted after starting to try for baby2. I wanted my kids to be close in age so that they could play together and hopefully end up close as they grow up. I also in a lot of ways wanted to get this stage over with because I find little ones, particularly toddlers, challenging and not very interesting to talk to (cute though!) So I wanted them to progress out of the littles stage quicker. But 2 under 2 would have been too much for me, I think, I wasn’t ready until my first was closer to 2.
I will say that I often feel overwhelmed in the stage I am now with two little ones – they are almost 2.5 and 5, so getting there, but still both very needy and I often feel like I have no time for myself and am refereeing disputes when the little one can’t understand what’s going on. This is getting better even now though, so I’m dreaming about how nice it will be in even just another year.
In hindsight, I think maybe 3.5 years of spacing may have been a little less overwhelming, but who knows, my first is sensitive so he may have been challenging at that age too. And if I had had my second a year later, I might have been on leave during the height of Covid restrictions with both home, which would have been so much harder for me than just taking caring of a newborn, so best laid plans and all that!!
AwayEmily says
I had two under two (they are now 3 and 4) and I pretty much agree with all of this. I guess it’s “worth it” in the sense of they now get along well and like the same stuff…but the first two years were deeply difficult for me and my husband. The pregnancy was fine and my body recovered quickly (despite being 39) but having two very small kids was much more difficult than I anticipated. I think I would have enjoyed my second baby a lot more if I’d spaced them more like 3 years apart.
Anon says
My kids are 9 months and 3 and are roughly 28 months apart. It’s A LOT. It took us some time to conceive our first, so we started TTC with the thought that it would take us at least 6 months. Surprise! #2 was on the way nearly immediately. I was planning for more of a 3 year age gap but ended up with less than 2.5 years. I think Future Me will be grateful they are so close together but I’m in the thick of it now and having a tough time.
Anon says
I also wanted mine as close as possible, and they are 19 months apart. I know this is going to sound nuts, but I would’ve done closer if biology would have allowed me while still bfeeding. I was also in my mid 30s, and it wasn’t necessarily fertility/age motivated, although of course I recognize that could have been a surprise issue.
Reasons? I just kind of am the type that I like to go at hard stages with gusto, but then totally move past them. Like, to me going through a compacted period of time of a lot of interrupted sleep sounds so much easier than getting in a long period of a sleeping groove and starting all over again. I am aware that a lot of people feel the exact opposite of this. This is also going to sound like a little weird of a motivation, but I am the type that HATES having a lot of “stuff” around and never has a lot of storage room, so I didn’t want to be hanging on to maternity clothes, baby stuff, etc. etc for years and years. It feels so good to just offload stuff relatively quickly as they both phase past things.
The first couple of years were, at times, not going to lie, fairly hard. The examples that come to mind are just a lot of really thinking through logistics…like, you aren’t supposed to leave any toddler alone with a baby ever and I would say for a 19 month old that is ESPECIALLY true, so constantly having to think through what room you will be in, how you can bring the baby in there etc etc. Or like bringing a 20 month old to the playground by yourself that needs a lot of up close supervision is really hard with a baby that might need a surprise feeding at any time. Stuff like that.
BUT fast forward to 5 years later, they are friends (although the friendship aspect wasn’t exactly our motivation as I know that can go either way), we even have them in a few activities and sports where they are the same level which makes all that stuff SO much easier for now; it’s really nice that they are into the same TV shows, movies, generally the same books although the older one is breaking ahead there… I would have loved them to only be one grade apart (more synergies for having them be at the same school as often as possible!) but alas with where their birthdays are in the calendar year that didn’t work out for us. Basically, I would say from our youngest being maybe 2+ having two that close together was likely not any harder than having 2 kids of any age, maybe even easier.
Good luck!
Anon says
obviously this is already done with, but i think having kids only one grade apart can be really hard on the kids as they get older. many of the people who i know are now ok with their siblings as adults, but it was very very hard in the middle/high school years, so i think it is good they are 2 grades apart
anon says
Our kids are all 32-35 months apart. I like that spacing a lot, although I particularly prefer the shorter end.
Reasons we don’t go closer together:
– I’m committed to nursing for two years and like to wean before getting pregnant if possible so my cycles stabilize and I’m only biologically supporting one human at a time.
– I like to have the older child potty trained so I get a break from diapers while pregnant (fortunately so far all my kids have potty trained right at 2).
– I have had some kind of complication (c-section, hemorrhage, etc.) that has complicated my recovery from each delivery so I don’t feel physically ready to do another pregnancy for a couple years after the first one.
– I find toddlers (15-30ish months) to be completely charming and love to be able to focus on that child’s development without also dealing with a little baby (personal preference!)
Reasons we don’t go further apart:
– have gotten lucky and gotten pregnant in roughly the windows we wanted; I know that often/mostly doesn’t work
– want to maximize the number of years we have kids in roughly the same stages, at the same schools, etc.
– love babies and always ready for another one
– want to have the new baby before the next older child hits the phase I find my kids hit in the 3-4 range where they are more jealous/angry about change in their family and less excited than they are at almost-three/early-three.
– wanted a big family but didn’t (personally! not a reflection on anyone else’s circumstances!) want to be older than 36 or so when I was done having kids
Anonymous says
Mine are 2.5 years apart. It was still very very hard the first 6 months. We would waited until oldest was 3 but #2 was a surprise. And being pregnant with a toddler is very hard at the end. I know people do it but I frankly can’t imagine having kids like 18months apart. Like pregnant with a 17mo? No thank you.
Anonymous says
3 years is a super popular age gap in Canada FWIW. Like a third of the kids in my oldest’s 4th grade class have siblings in the 1st grade class. Here that works out to roughly a one year maternity leave, one year back at work, get pregnant sometime around a year back, then off on leave again. DH and I preferred that gap as I’m 2.5 years older than my sister and he is 3 years older than his brother. Enough to be close but still have separate friends and not competitive with each other.
I like it because older kid was able to entertain/occupy herself for a few minutes when I had to help baby. She was more than happy to attend part time preschool vs be home with me and baby all day. And it was great to not have her in diapers or worry about her putting stuff she shouldn’t in her mouth. There’s a reason a lot of toys are not for under age 3. Kids seem to get much more sensible about not constantly endangering themselves around age 3.
anon says
I think I posted something similar when my first was 6 months. I really wanted to start trying again – both to get over with and I think because I was feeling a lot of post partum hormones. Ultimately, we waited until kid 1 was 15 months to start trying again and there’s 2.5 years between them, which I think is great. And every kid is different, but I think ages 12 – 24 months can be some of the hardest because kids are mobile but unreasonable and have limited communication. Kid was about 23 months when I tested positive for number 2 and I’m glad we were at that point then because I had a rough pregnancy and she was much easier then.
Anonymous says
I think what age your kids are most difficult really varies. There are more random crying fits apparently for no reason in kids who are less verbal, but it also wasn’t terribly stressful to me as a parent because my kid wasn’t doing anything “wrong” and it was much easier to stop the crying with comfort or distraction or worst case just let her cry it out. It wasn’t fun to see my kid upset about silly stuff but I almost never felt “mad” at her. 2.5-3 was *very* hard for me, because my kid started to become willfully disobedient all the time and she was totally verbal and able to communicate, but we just could. not. reason. with her. I felt angry towards her much of the time. 2.75 specifically was the worst month, I think both of us cried every single day and I yelled way more than I should have. Things seemed to turn a corner around 3. But 2.75 would have been an awful time for me to be pregnant.
Anon. says
My kids are almost exactly 2.5 years apart. I really appreciated that the big kid was pretty verbal by that time so I didn’t have two wailing for inexplicable reasons. Sometimes they were both crying, but at least the big one could tell me why.
Huh? says
What is “AMA nonsense?”
Pogo says
Advanced maternal age. You automatically become high risk the moment that you have spent 35 years on this earth, like magic!
(being facetious if that was not abundantly clear – our third would be AMA so I’m sensitive lol)
Momofthree says
Advanced Maternal Age. As soon as you hit 35, your pregnancies are listed as higher risk & there’s a variety of procedural differences in how the pregnancy is handled.
SSJD says
advanced maternal age
medical establishment speak for “older pregnant woman” which triggers more testing, indicates risk, etc.
OP says
Yeah what the two people above said. It was my way of saying biologically I’m not in a huge rush because of my age. There’s a lot of debate about that 35 yo cut off so that’s why I call it nonsense.
Anonymous says
I didn’t married until I was almost 37, so I am AMA nonsense. Mine are 20 months apart, with a m/c in between (so would have been 15 months that that PG gone through). I got pregnant while nursing twice. Kids are a year apart in school — older kid is on the older side (less so b/c of red shirting) of her class and younger kid is the baby of her class (she is 99% for height and used to keeping up with an older kid, so no reason to redshirt her). It honestly is fine. I have known no other parenting life. Whatever you do, it will work out. There is no easy option, but I wanted two and wanted to have it done before I was 40 due to not wanting more losses (I had a m/c before kid 1) and my eggs only getting older.
Spirograph says
I have 3 kids at spacing of around 22 months and we chose that because I just wanted to rip the bandaid off and get through the hard baby and toddler years quickly. I also liked the idea of them being close enough in age to enjoy the same activities together as a family. And my own siblings and I have about 2 year age gaps, so that’s what I was familiar with.
It was hard. It was hard on my body to basically be pregnant or nursing for so many years in a row, it was hard on our marriage and general energy and stress levels, but now the youngest is 4 and we’re kind of on the other side and I’m glad we did it this way.
Pogo says
These are so interesting to read! I wanted ours a little closer, they are exactly 3 years. But, hashtag infertility.
Physically I had pretty good recoveries both times, so no issue there. I weaned by first around 1 year and plan to do the same with this one. AMA/geriatric pregnancy and just age in general is the main reason to have them closer together. I already feel freakin OLD, and the sleepless nights were much tougher this time at 34.
My 3yo is more independent than he was at 2 in some ways but not in others – he can be very needy, demanding and opinionated in a way that a toddler isn’t. When he was 2 he’d let me pick out his clothes and getting dressed took 45 seconds. Now it’s…a process. Because 3 year olds can do some things by themselves, they also WANT to do things by themselves, even if it’s less than helpful.
I feel like it’s really hard for me to pick apart what was tough about this age gap because it was the age gap (having a 3yo) or the pandemic. In normal times, 3yo would have been in preschool from the start, we’d have had more help, maybe he wouldn’t have spent the entire last summer regressing monumentally… who knows. I will say he is good at fetching me things while I’m nursing, which is helpful.
Anon says
Pregnancy and the first year are harder the closer spaced your children are. But, they are able to play together and entertain each other sooner and that is nice.
My first two are 25 months apart and morning sickness with a baby is no joke. The transition was also hard on my new 2-year-old, and therefore on the family. But now at 3.5 and 5.5 they play so well together that I have free time! And it’s great and I’m glad they have that spacing.
That said, my second and third will be 3.5 years apart (due soon ) because I remembered how grueling that pregnancy was. Pregnancy with “older” preschoolers is MUCH easier. They can watch TV and play independently.
Still, I’m planning for a fourth and think I’ll target the 2-2.5 gap. In the long run I think it’s a nice gap for the kids being close and enjoying playing together. I worry a year would likely breed competition, but 2-3 years is probably enough distance while still being close.
Anon says
What are your everyday drinking vessels with elementary school aged kids? DH still has heavy glassware from his bachelor days, and I’m tired of the random assortment of sippy cups and the like in my cupboard, so I’d like to get something that looks nice and that everyone can use but isn’t too precious.
Anonymous says
Duralex Picardie tumblers.
EP-er says
+1
anon says
Duralex Unie 7oz and 11.5oz and Duralex Picardie 17oz
Anonymous says
Ceramic coffee mugs with stainless steel straws at the table. Each have their own mug they picked out. Thermos funtainers with the straw top for school and drinking on the sofa or something. Water only in those though.
anon says
Hah! We just bought yetis for each person in the family – two per person, you pick your color. You wash your own cup (they are dishwasher safe which is a huge plus with yetis). The collection of sippy cups were getting gross and old plus we were washing so many cups that really were only used for water.
Anonymous says
We use IKEA glassware and replace it as needed. I break way more than my son at this point.
Anon says
+1 on IKEA. I bought extra so I can have all the same even accounting for breaks. However, the glasses I have are sturdy and rarely break.
It’s so much nicer to have all one style and size—I highly recommend it.
Anonymous says
A wine glass. ;)
Anonymous says
Small plastic juice glasses from target with our 2.5 year old and 6 year old. Hopefully moving to small actual glasses soon (older kid is ready- I’m sure 2.5 could handle it but I’m not Montessori enough to deal with broken glass). Growing up we used jelly jars.
Seventh Sister says
We have two sets of IKEA glasses – one juice-glass sized, the other is water-glass sized. They break into little ball-type pieces, which is hardly since it seems safer/easier to clean up. Inexpensive and look pretty nice. We also have way too many Bonne Maman jam jars that I’ve repurposed as glasses, which I love but they are a little casual.
Best outdoor stuff for babies/toddlers says
We have a very large back deck, and no real yard. We have one child (16 weeks) and plan on turning the back deck into a very useable and kid-friendly outdoor space for nice weather (some outdoor lounge furniture for adults, and then tons of stuff for baby girl).
What are your favorite outdoor baby/toddler things?
Anonanonanon says
Do you have a hookup for a hose? Old school plastic baby pool if so. Bubble machine. Other than that, your kid will only be 8 months old or so when summer starts, right? I’d wait until they’re older and you know their likes/personality before you invest in much more. Just have a rug so it’s a comfortable surface and bring some of her usual toys outside so she can enjoy the fresh air.
If you have an eating area outside, maybe an ikea plastic high chair so you don’t have to drag the usual one in and out? One of those foldable outdoor play pens?
Pogo says
+1 to old school plastic pool. Mine was a similar age our first summer (august bday) and I have video of him crawling around in it and splashing and giggling. Being a non-walker, I don’t think he really “hung out” outside with us much – though we did a lot of hiking/biking/etc so we invested heavily in nice athletic baby carrier gear.
Anon says
what is the deck made out of? generally i would say a slide or one of those little playhouse things with a slide as part of it. a swing. a water table. some kind of little car for her to sit on/push around.
Cb says
Right now we have a turtle sandbox, a wiggle car, a child sized wheelbarrow, and loads of sidewalk chalk. Our playhouse got destroyed in a storm. We also had a swing but it wasn’t as fun as the ones at the playpark so didn’t move it. We use the garden 12 months a year, despite the crappy weather. I’d like to get some sort of awning or rain cover.
Quail says
Water table! Indispensable. Or just a shallow rubbermaid tub with cups and bath toys. Her own little deck chair. Little tykes slide if space/safety allows. Balls and buckets. A little push cart/stroller/lawnmower. Kiddie pool/sprinkler.
Quail says
I guess your kiddo will only be 8 months, so at that age I’d just get a good cushy blanket, some sort of stable shade source, and bring her regular toys outside. A sun hat and long-sleeved swim suit. Although my daughter was 8 months at the start of last summer and LOVED crawling through the sprinkler (one of those round sprinkler mats) so that might be a hit, too.
DLC says
Water table definitely- we built our own with a water pump and a shower nozzle so the water cycles through like a fountain and it’s a huge hit with the kids.
We don’t have one, but our local nature center has a mud kitchen and it is also very popular. I would put one in if I didn’t have an aversion to mess.
CHL says
Our pre-school had an outdoor classroom that was a amazing, so some of these are ideas from that that we implemented in our yard – outdoor play kitchen, raised bed planter for them to muck around in (if you’re into that), if you have a wall or a fence, you can attach hooks and hang digging/water things on them (like we have a slotted spoon, a collander, a small watering can, etc.) for pretend play. Stumps to hop on/off. careful with sand as animals like to use it as litter box.
Breast Pump Rec says
Anyone used the Freemie hands free breast pump? If so, thoughts? I am preparing for baby #2’s arrival and looking at my covered breast pump options. Last time I got the Spectra 2 (the pink electrical/plug in one). I liked the suction/power, but I didn’t like having to be attached to an electrical outlet. I would happy pay a supplemental fee for the battery operated/rechargeable blue Spectra 1, but it is not offered by my insurance. Recommendations welcome and thank you in advance!
DLC says
I have both the FReemie Liberty and the Spectra S1. If you only get one pump, I would get the Spectra. It is much more efficient. The Freemie was great for: pumping while driving, pumping in meetings, pumping while getting the other kids ready to go in the morning… you get the idea. But it took 35 minutes to pump whereas my Spectra only took 20 mins. I didn’t mind the longer time since I could move around but unless it was one of those specific situations, I would just use the S1.
Anon says
I loved my Feemie cups, which I used with both a PISA and the Freemie plug-in pump. The traditional getting topless and using horns felt awful for me psychologically and made it hard to do regular desk work. In comparison, I loved getting to stay dressed, work more easily, and have it be less of an issue if I was walked in on (and, indeed, the dudes who popped their head in my office didn’t even seem to notice I was pumping).
Anon says
Pregnant moms in states that make you a priority – have you chosen to get the vaccine? Just found out I’m pregnant (with our fourth!) which is exciting and terrifying! Have had a couple miscarriages so fingers crossed of course.
Anon says
My state hasn’t prioritized pregnant women yet (still doing elderly folks, which I understand), but I would definitely get it if I could.
Anonymous says
I have two physician friends that are pregnant and were vaxxed.
Anonymous says
I know a bunch of pregnant physicians who have gotten the vax. I do think the calculus might be a bit different if you can work from home, because if you’re an essential worker (especially in healthcare) your odds of getting Covid are likely much higher.
Realist says
This. I think your risk profile is a big part of the decision. If you can work from home and have low exposure, then that is very different than if you or DH is getting exposure from essential work, etc. Just anecdata, but all the pregnant healthcare workers are getting the vaccine.
OP says
Yeah, so I can work from home but since this is a fourth kid, we do have exposure from the other 3 (all are in school) – I’d say my risk profile is medium?!
Anon says
I signed up with the county waiting list but no vaccine is forthcoming. I’m a little unsure but figure that if I do have the opportunity to make an appointment I can decide then – maybe there’ll be better info published.
Anon says
i have lots of physician friends who are pregnant/breastfeeding, including maternal fetal medicine specialists and pediatricians who’ve gotten the vaccine. i also have friends who are able to work from home but work for healthcare facilities so had access to the vaccine and they all got it too. one doctor friend purposefully waited until she was out of her first trimester for no real scientific reason, other than it made her less nervous and had a history of miscarriages, so in her own head this sounded like the best plan. congrats on your pregnancy!
Anonymous says
Aren’t high fevers bad in the first trimester? I know a couple people who spiked 102+ degree fevers after the second dose so I think there might actually be a scientific reason for waiting until later in pregnancy.
Tweeter says
Yes. NJ made us a priority and I just got my first shot at 22 week. I work from home but my kid goes to daycare.
Anonymous says
Fauci just said something about it today. Apparently there are over 10,000 pregnant women who’ve gotten it so far and “no red flags.”
Anon says
I definitely trust Fauci, but probably none/very few of those pregnancies have been completed, baby born, etc. So I’d still wait for more data.
Anon says
I’m due soon so the calculus is different for me (by the time I could reasonably get it baby will be born), but I definitely wouldn’t get it in the first trimester for risk of fever or bad reaction. I also think I’d watch closely as the data continues to roll in…at this point I would be wary, but as larger numbers of people get it and report effects I might feel more comfortable.
anon says
I am pregnant and got my first dose a couple of weeks ago. At least one country (Israel; not sure about others) is affirmatively advising pregnant women to get it. I am comfortable with my choice and would absolutely do it again.
Anonymous says
MOM HACK: My 7 y/o 1st grader is a pretty good reader. She’s big into Magic Treehouse books, but still reading them mostly out loud. Problem is, these books and others at this level have words that she is able to sound out, but are beyond her vocabulary level (she recently read on on the revolutionary war and another on Egypt (“what’s a pharaoh?”). She is perfectly content to sit in her room and read but will EITHER come out 1000 times asking us what a word means/how to pronounce it or she will just gloss over the word and then not really comprehend the meaning of the sentence.
Surely, there must be an app for this, right? I googled around.
Ladies, I GOT HER A DICTIONARY and taught her how to use it. A hardcover (seemingly 600lb) children’s dictionary. And it warms my little nerd heart to see her reading it to learn new words. And now she can look up a word, mostly get the pronunciation, and also read what it means and NOT BOTHER ME.
Anon. says
My nerd heart loves this for you!
It was basically my proudest mom moment a couple weeks ago when my 3-yr-old corrected his own grammar.
Friday says
OP, so proud! My mom got me a dictionary basically as soon as I learned to read. I resented constantly hearing “go look it up” but it’s really extremely helpful. Sort of on the grammar front: my almost four year old and I were playing Go Fish the other night. It was his turn, I told him to “go fish” and he said “Darn it! Oops. Sorry mom, I mean ‘dang it’.” I almost died.
Anonymous says
Nerd hearts unite! My 6 year old corrected her grammar the other day. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was both sassy/rude and grammatically incorrect. I said, “is that really how you should be talking to me?” and she corrected her grammar instead of the sass! I both loved and was disappointed by it.
But I love dictionaries. We also have a big 600lb hardcover one and showed it to my son during pandemic 1st grade closure last year. At first he just liked to look at the pictures and then ask me to read the entries, but now he’s using it by himself and it warms my nerd heart.
CCLA says
This is amazing and made me smile, thank you. I look forward to when my girls are old enough to do this!
Pogo says
This is so great. I told my older son he could read a book to the baby, because I was busy, and he look sorta concerned and said, “But mommy, I don’t know the words!” It’s so cute to see them learning to read before your very eyes.
Anonymous says
Related to the book post above: what books would you recommend for a 1st/2nd grade girl? Magic Treehouse or maybe slightly more challenging. Not yet up to books like Beverly Clearly or Judy Moody. We read those aloud together.
Anonymous says
The Magic Treehouse is simply terrible. Ivy and Bean, Stella Batts, Nancy Clancy, Clementine (a bit more challenging). Socks is a much easier read than other Beverly Cleary books.
Anon says
I am reading Clementine to my 3 year old now (she likes chapter books apparently so we are rolling with it), and it strikes me as a very good early elementary book. Ramona Quimby is next on our list. I looked at Ivy and Bean first, but while Clementine is sassy and independent in a way I find acceptable, the reviews on Ivy and Bean suggested to me that is not the kind of book I want my already sassy headstrong DD to be reading; it seems to cut much closer to being mean in my view.
Momofthree says
We tried Princess in Black about a super hero princess and my boys were not interested but I’ve heard good things from friends.
Anon Lawyer says
My niece loves the Heidi Hecklebeck books. From an adult perspective, they’re solidly fine and certainly unobjectionable.
DLC says
I haven’t read Magic Treehouse, so not quite sure what the reading level is, but some popular series in our house: Princess in Black. Mia Mayhem. Cowgirl Kate and Coco. Grace Lin’s Ling and Ting series (might be more 1st grade than 2nd though). I also like the “Day in the Life” series that DK reader puts out though that might also skew 1st grade- it’s hard for me to tell since my child was a late reader.
Anonymous says
Hmm some good ideas! We have the Clementine books and that’s what she keeps in her backpack. Her teacher keeps sending home MTH books but the problem is that when I asked for a different one, she got books that (IMO and in my daughter’s opinion too) were more boring. Like nonfiction type books (which are fine! but not as fun as MTH).
Waffles says
Katie Woo series
Princess in Black series
Owl Diaries series
Unicorn Diaries series
Kingdom of Wrenly series
Isadora Moon series
Dragon Riders series
I first read about many of these books here — thank you so much for the suggestions!
Waffles says
Correction: Dragon Masters series, not Dragon Riders.
anon says
Dragon Master is a huge hit in our house. If you follow her on Facebook, the author does trivia sessions and Q&As, which are fun. She’s also agreed to drop in virtually to read to any classes of students, so you might let your kid’s teacher know.
The Last Firehawk was fun and quick read for my adventure loving kid.
Stuart Little and the Littles were popular.
Dory Fantasmagory is hilarious. Ivy and Bean too.
We loved Mia Mayhem so much we bought a whole set for her 1st grade classroom.
Princess Mirabella was okay.
My 1st grader also read the whole Faraway Tree series with me (alternating pages). She really enjoyed it.
Anon says
Yes to all of these. My 7yo is also really into the Baby Sitters Club graphic novels (and the BSC Little Sisters series). They’re a little advanced but with the pictures she can usually figure out the context.
Also adding:
BSC and BSC Little Sisters
Mia Mayhem
Heidi Hecklebeck (and her younger brother Henry Hecklebeck)
Zoey and Sassafras
Yasmin
DogMan
Last Firehawk
Our Principal Is…
Lego Disney Princess by Jessica Brody
Slightly more advanced:
Never Girls
Whatever After
Sophia Martinez
Geronimo Stilton (and Thea Stilton)
Who Would Win
not using usual name for this says
We have a large meeting (virtual) coming up that will have representatives from several healthcare facilities/agencies in our area (potentially 100) and it will have been one year since we last met as a large group (that time in person). Several of the facilities and agencies involved have lost healthcare workers in the past year. I’d like to take a moment at the end of the meeting to acknowledge that, but a moment of silence in a virtual meeting seems awkward (what if someone is unmuted and shuffling papers?) so I thought of having the appropriate member of leadership say a few words followed by a “moment of remembrance” with soft instrumental music?
At the national memorial event, they had someone sing the Rufus Wainwright hallelujah. 1:30 of a string version of that, maybe, since it would tie in with the choices made for the national event? Or too close to being religious? Would love suggestions or experiences if anyone you work with has done anything similar. It’s so difficult, with the lack of a defined “one year” point.
Anonymous says
Leonard Cohen wrote Hallelujah, not Rufus Wainwright. Read the lyrics. It’s about $ex and power. Totally inappropriate for a memorial context. The fact that it incorporates biblical references does not make it a religious song.
Anonymous says
This!!!! I love the song but I’m always so confused when people use it for memorials. Also I think an actually religious song would be very inappropriate unless you’re using it in a context where you know everyone’s beliefs (e.g., fine for a church social, not fine at work). I’m Jewish and I know some Jews were pretty offended about the singing of Amazing Grace at RBG’s impromptu memorial because it’s a Christian hymn.
Anonymous says
I have a theory that the song’s usage in memorials started way back when the TV show ER used it in an episode where a character died. It didn’t really make sense there either, but the melody and harmony do create a dramatic emotional effect.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I remember the Jeff Buckley version from the OC, when Marissa almost died (or something)…
OP says
Yea I thought it was very strange at the national memorial but figured they knew better than I did! If I’m not the only one who thought it was weird then that is definitely not the choice.
Anonymous says
I never understood why anyone thinks Hallelujah is religious either. It’s also on the Pentatonix Christmas album, which makes zero sense. I guess maybe people aren’t all that familiar with Samson and Delilah? It’s not what I would call a happy or uplifting story.
Anonymous says
You don’t even have to know the stories of Samson and Delilah or David and Bathsheba to recognize that it is not a Christmas song! It’s like they got the title confused with the Hallelujah chorus or something–not that the Messiah is actually Christmas music either.
Anon Lawyer says
I was watching Disney Fairy Tale Weddings last week (don’t just me) and someone walked down the aisle to the Pentatonix version. Didn’t feel appropriate for a wedding either!
Anonymous says
This is super tacky and awkward. Don’t do it.
OP says
Noted, it’s not my usual cup of tea, but it was suggested by a staff member so trying to keep an open mind. There are people who were at the last meeting who have passed from COVID since, so this hit very close to home for a lot of these people. I decided to put it at the end so people can drop off if it’s not their thing (it wouldn’t be mine). It sounds like I might need to ask a few more attendees their thoughts ahead of time.
Anonymous says
With the caveat that I don’t work in healthcare, I think this is incredibly weird.
OP says
OK, I thought it was just me being WASPy, but sounds like I’m not the only one. I’ll definitely ask a few people their thoughts. There seems to be a camp of “it’s callous not to” and “that is weird don’t force that on people” which led to my decision to put it at the end so people could leave, I feel da**ed if we do and da**ed if we don’t. Maybe just a few words in acknowledgment not followed by any weird moment.
anon says
So we encountered this one year when we lost a number of long-time employees in some incredibly freak, tragic ways. Our head honcho acknowledged their contributions in his remarks to the group and the individuals’ names were displayed on a screen during that part of the remarks (and that part only). It felt appropriate for the situation, and many told us how much they appreciated it. But zomg, definitely skip the music.
comms person says
What about a simple slide as part of the presentation? If you are covering the pandemic and the hardships, it would fit in nicely that way without forcing anything on anyone beyond a simple recognition (with calming background).
Baby food says
Might be too late for today – the WaPo today about heavy metals in baby food has me concerned. I just started my 6 month old on purees and we’ve been doing Gerber (which is what we did for our first as well). I’m wondering if I should switch to something else but I have no idea what would be better. Help? Any ideas?
Anon Lawyer says
I read the story somewhere else than WaPo but it sounded to me like the important thing was to give your kid a variety of foods rather than that baby food in particular is contaminated. Like, if your kid is only eating rice-based foods or only eating sweet potatoes it might be a problem but if you eat a normal amount of those things, it is not really a red alarm thing.
Anon. says
Agreed. I read a Cleveland Clinic response to an earlier report on heavy metals and the advice was the same. Variety is good. Don’t feed your kid a 100% rice and root veggies diet and you probably don’t need to worry about it.
Anonymous says
This is old- ish news, it was A Thing in 2018-ish when I had an infant. The metals are in the veggies themselves so it’s not really something that can be solved by switching brands, going organic or making your own. The biggest takeaway is offer a good variety and limit rice.