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Anonymous says
The internet is a scary place, so I’m looking for some positive stories of first time pregnancies in your late 30s?
Anon says
Not me but my best friend had her first at 39 and second at 41. Totally normal, uncomplicated pregnancies and healthy babies.
anon says
In many parts of the country, the vast majority of pregnancies are in late 30s/early 40s mothers. I was 36 with mine and always the youngest in the waiting room at the OB. If you’re healthy, there’s no real reason to be concerned, especially after the NIPT.
Anon says
+1, I would assume basically the majority of at least the closer in parts of the Bay Area.
Anonymous says
That’s literally half this board and all of my friends.
Anon says
I’m 40, and in my closest friend and neighbor circles, lots of healthy, happy 1 and 2 year olds! Including mine :)
Anony says
I had infertility (for reasons that were not actually related to my age) so it took me a long time to get pregnant, but once I did, my late-30s pregnancy was completely uncomplicated and healthy.
+1 says
Same!
anon says
I’m 38 and will turn 39 just before delivery in November. It’s my second pregnancy so not your exact question but it’s totally uncomplicated and unexciting – just the way you want it! Suffering from a bit of sciatica, but I had that at 33 with #1 and it seems very random who gets it and who doesn’t. I definitely don’t feel like an “old mom” at our K drop off with #1. Plenty of K moms/dads are pushing strollers or are also pregnant, and they all seem about my age. I’m in greater Boston so later pregnancies are more common here based on anecdata from visiting my extended in-law family in the south.
Anon says
I have four kids, and I gave birth at ages 31, 33, 37 and 39. All 4 were full term, no complications, and they are now all thriving, healthy, happy, and super silly.
TheElms says
36 and 39 here! My two girls (now 4 and 18 months) are happy and healthy. Some issues did crop up during both pregnancies towards the end but they weren’t particularly serious-just required more monitoring (although I’ll note it felt very stressful at the time) and I delivered at 40 weeks and 38 1/2 weeks respectively.
Annn says
Same ages! Standard pregnancies, giant babies, healthy lovely 4 and 7 year old now. I will say my body did not/will not bounce back after the one at 39 but the lumps are well worth it.
AwayEmily says
Pretty close for me: 36, 38, and then a bonus baby at 41. All straightforward, no issues. Pregnancy itself was toughest with my first one.
Anonymous says
Had my first at 38 and my second at 39. Both were smooth sailing, no complications, healthy kids.
Anonymous says
My cousin was an oops baby born to a mom of 43 years in 1996. He’s great! There was a 12 and 14 year age gaps between him and his brothers. It was all good!
You will be more tired than the 25 year old moms out there but, well, that’s life.
Anonymous says
Uncomplicated pregnancies with deliveries at ages 40 and 42 for me! IME, there is more monitoring but not actually more problems.
Anonymous says
Had my first at 40 and it was awesome! I had a trouble-free (albeit IVF instigated) pregnancy and now a healthy happy kindergartener. Age can make it hard to get pregnant, but once you’re pregnant it appears to be much less of an issue. I know two women who had difficult pregnancies, but in neither case were they age related. The first woman discontinued both ADHD medication and her antidepressant (on the advice of her MD) and had the problems you might expect from that. The second woman had a very large baby, born at probably close to 10% of her pre-pregnancy weight (she is a very small, slight woman, around 5ft tall). She basically could only sleep in a recliner during the last weeks of her pregnancy.
Anon4 says
First pregnancy/birth age 40
Second pregnancy/birth age 42
Debating a third
We had to do IVF because of issues on my husband’s side. Other than that, uncomplicated. I had great pregnancies, no complications, very positive deliveries (both vaginal, no epidural, which was my preference), and recovered well. I am 43 now with a 7 month old and a 3 year old and a high-visibility role at work and I am so f-ing happy.
Also – everyone’s experience is different – but I have more energy now as a mom of young kids than many of my friends who had kids 5-15 years ago. So don’t get psyched out by people telling you that you’ll be tired. You may be! But you also may not be.
Anon. says
34 and 37 here. My first pregnancy was more complicated than the second. Subchorionic hemorrhage with the first was scary but turned out fine. Zero issues with the second. Two happy, thriving kids later and was just texting with a friend today that being an “older” mom is a bit harder physically but way better for me emotionally.
Anon says
+1 on being way better emotionally for me. I would have been a mess if I’d had kids in my 20s.
Anonymous says
My sister had 3 from ages 36-39 (third was unplanned). My brothers wife just had an unplanned 3rd at 40. All healthy. We have 2 and not having a third, I mentioned I’m getting older (36) to the OBGYN and she said I wouldn’t be old to have a baby until I was like 45. Even then, there’s people who do.
I’m in the DC area and had my first at 29 and my coworkers thought I was oddly young, even though most of our friends were starting to have kids too
Anon4 says
Re: “old to have a baby” –
I posted a longer response that hasn’t shown up yet, but I have had 2 babies, both in my 40s. My OB had no concerns about a second pregnancy when I was 42, and my fertility doctor (IVF for reasons unrelated to my age) doesn’t actually have an age cut-off for embryo transfers, as long as you have viable embryos already. They do require a cardiologist to sign-off if you are 45+, however.
Anon says
When I lived in D.C., I felt like everyone was having kids by their late 20s, “starting” by the first year in their 30s. Once I had my first at 34, I felt like the split between working moms and moms who were SAHM or had VERY flexible/worked PT leaned waayyyy more towards the latter.
I have distinct memory coming into the of my building at 6 PM with work bag, stroller/infant car seat, pump bag, and DS #1 and a neighbor (mom) was like “Oh – where did you come from?” GIRL.
This was only my experience, and It was a strange disconnect – I would have thought it was flipped.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think it is more the reverse in certain parts of the country where people have kids very young, like early 20s.
Anon says
That’s so interesting, cause I don’t know any one in DC who had their first before 34. And 36 is more common for the first. Which just shows how much it varies by social Circle.
Anon says
Yeah, even more shocking that this was in Arlington, VA. Being asked “Where’s [kid]?” on the days I’d be home from work early (like at 3:30-4) and heading up to my apartment, by these well-meaning people always confounded me.
Now, I live in a major city in a red state, and all of my friends who have had kids have had them in the last 3-5 years – mid-late 30s. A few will be 40+ and trying for #2.
I worked with someone (current location) who had her kid at 45.
Anon says
First time at 36, second time at 42/43 – better than average pregnancies (no morning sickness!) and two very healthy kids born by scheduled c-section at 38.5 weeks since both were 9.5 lbs.
Do risks increase as you age? Yes, but it’s helpful to have some perspective about what that means. After the first trimester you have a 99% chance of a healthy pregnancy in your 20’s and a 97% chance once you’re older. There are no guarantees of course, but I know dozens of moms who had ‘geriatric’ pregnancies that were totally normal and resulted in healthy kids.
Anon says
Just had my first in March at 38. I TTC for about a year before we got pregnant. My pregnancy was totally normal and unremarkable. I developed pre-eclampsia at 35W and had to be induced, but my son was never in distress and was born happy and healthy. He is now 6 months and bringing me so much joy.
Anon says
Tips on NOT expressing annoyance to a partner when they are genuinely asking clarification about logistics/schedules?
I think it’s one of those things where because I take the lead on things I just get…quickly snappy because to me, I’ve been thinking about it and the other person hasn’t. This isn’t about sharing responsibilities, we do plenty of that, this is more controlling my own reaction for my own sanity.
I always feel horrible after snapping at people, and my partner also is one that doesn’t do well with it.
anonM says
Reframing? Part of taking the lead on xyz task is making sure your partner is clear on the logistics of that task. And — not knowing how old your kids are — reframing it as modeling to your kids healthy task sharing. (When my kids started mimicking me when I was rude, it was veryyyy motivating to change how I talk to DH especially in front of them. Also remember you’re human and we all make mistakes.
Cb says
Argh, this is my weakness. I have a very sarcastic and unhelpful “If only there is was a device where you could find this out, you could even carry it around in your pocket…” so don’t do that…
I’ve started pausing when asked a question though, like I’ll literally pretend not to hear (my husband also likes to shout questions up the stairs) or see the whatsapp message. If I wait long enough, he’ll figure it out or I’ll have bitten back my first sarky response and be able to answer helpfully.
Anonymous says
For me and my husband, it’s the (extremely annoying to us personally) initial step of setting aside even 3 minutes to talk about it. We will both be annoyed by the others reaction/what they’re doing, and, even though we know better, we just want the other person to read our mind and fix what he/she is doing without us asking!!!! I mean, we’ve been together for 15 years, why can’t he read my mind already?
So, it’s that sort of tail between the legs, ripping a very painful (metaphorical) bandaid off and saying “hey, we have a common goal of X. It’s clear that ABC way of trying to accomplish X is not working. Can we take three minutes after kiddo goes to sleep and talk about what we each need to accomplish the shared goal?” It has never ended up as bad as I feared, generally doesn’t take more than 3-4 minutes to resolve, and makes things better going forward. But by goodness do I not like asking to talk about this stuff that seemingly should be so easy. (I don’t know why I think it should be easy, I just do. I recognize it’s not logical.)
OP says
Thank you (to all of you that commented)!
I realize the snapping happens when we’re already tired and there’s a lot going on around us – I need to do a better job of making sure a) I raise things during the quiet times (like you mentioned) and b) When DH raises it – I defer it to the quiet time vs. feeling like “UGHHHH I HAVE TO DO ALL THE THINGS NOW” and then snapping.
We do have a set weekly “check-in” during the week and we usually discuss week schedule on Sat or Sun but often the time just…gets away!
Anonymous says
do you have to discuss the schedule every week? We go by season for the base line and then just discuss deviations. I realize that not everyone has such a predictable schedule. For example, my pick up days for the fall are Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. My drop off days are Wednesday and Friday. Vice versa for DH.
OP says
We’ve been in flux a bit more since oldest started K a few weeks ago. We have a great set-up for drop-off and pick-up (for now), but we’ve had some evening commitments lately. We don’t have a ton of evening activities (currently at 0, thinking about 1), so after reflecting a bit, I expect it to even out soon.
Anon says
Another new K parent here and just solidarity that it’s a lot. It’s been way harder on me than on my kid, honestly. I think it’s a combination of having more playdates/get togethers, more optional but fun evening stuff like school book fair, kiddo being at home for more hours on weekdays, and then some unrelated but poorly timed life stuff like a dental issue and having to go out of state on short notice for a friend’s father’s funeral. All good things except for the last category, but I hate feeling so scatterbrained and am constantly forgetting things. On Friday I took my family to the library for a community event and it turns out it was this coming Friday. And we have a calendar! My brain just can’t hold things in it.
Anon says
Ugh, just need some positive stories here. We transitioned our 3rd child from our beloved, amazing nanny to our local preschool a few weeks ago. We used the preschool for our two older children, so we are quite familiar with the school and generally love it. For whatever reason, though, my child didn’t get placed with the same wonderful teacher her older siblings got, and she was placed with a teacher who is just sort of blah. She can be stern, and my child has come home saying that the teacher “got frustrated” with kids and/or “yelled” and/or my child was sad. We asked why we didn’t get the other teacher when we received the placement, but they said the other class was full and would not move our child.
Now, I’m feeling really guilty about moving her away from her wonderful nanny to a less than ideal teacher for her first preschool year. We could pull her and put her back with her nanny (who is taking a much deserved break before looking for a new family, but would come back and help us through the school year), or just get through this year. Financially, we really want to make the shift to preschool, and my husband is in favor of keeping her at the preschool for a variety of reasons. She is 3, so will have two years at the preschool, and the director has assured me that next year she’d get placed with our preferred teacher. Any anecdotes about how one year with a not great, but okay preschool teacher will be fine would be appreciated, as I’m feeling pretty unhappy about the whole situation.
Anon says
A year with a not great teacher will be ok. But I wouldn’t even assume this teacher is not great. Kids take time to adjust to new teachers. My kid has had some very stern teachers that were hard to adjust to at first, but she ended up loving.
Anonymous says
I think the benefits of socialization are worth a lot here, plus her life is going to be filled with dealing with people who are not her favorite, including many teachers. I also think it doesn’t sound like you have enough evidence to judge this teacher yet (unless there is more to the story). 3 year olds are unreliable narrators. If she was your only child and this was your first preschool experience, would you be concerned?
Anonymous says
As a mom of 3, it’s good for the third kid to not always have it easy. At least in our family, I struggle with how I parented by first vs third. It’s easier to let things slide when you are busy with two other kids (eg extra screen time, later bedtime or an ipad for 6th birthday instead of 8th birthday). A bit of extra structure with a firm preschool teacher would have been a welcome balance.
Anon says
Thanks to all of you for your responses, and this point above is a very good one too. One of my husband’s biggest reasons for wanting to stick with preschool is that she is far less independent than our older two. We transitioned the older kids to preschool earlier, and neither had a dedicated nanny or parents who worked at home. She’s definitely had a less structured, more people around, and had fewer responsibilities/expectations than the older two. Great reminder that’s also probably going to be a harder transition for her than on the other two, and probably also really good for her overall.
AwayEmily says
I feel this hard. Sometimes at dinner my third (who is PEAK ADORABLE right now at 19 months) will point to the snack cupboard and say “fishies? fishies?”
Would I have given my first two kids Goldfish during dinner just to keep the peace? Absolutely not! Will I give it to her? Hell yes. Here’s some fishies, kiddo. Enjoy.
Anon says
Our 3 year old just switched from a beloved preschool teacher to a new one last week. So your post gives me some deja vu vibes.
There is nothing “wrong” with this teacher. She’s just not as warm and bubbly as the last teacher. Over the last week kiddo has definitely warmed up to her more but it’s just not the same.
It’s small tip but at home we’ve been trying to focus our conversations on the new activities she’s doing in this room that are more advanced/interesting than the last room. Ex. they have a science & math station, they have a puzzle station with more advanced puzzles, they’re working on more interesting crafts, there is a lego station, etc. Maybe if she can show you around her room at pick-up or find a little more about their itinerary it would give some ideas of something else to focus on, rather than just the teacher.
Anonymous says
Eh, I have a different perspective. My kid had a prek4 teacher who I suspected was stern/not so warm. She taught there for 16 years and just needed to retire, which she did at the end of the year. More has come out afterwards and she really was just unprofessional about some things. I wish I had pulled my kid out. I’ve seen the difference in my kids between different preschool teachers. That was the only “bad” one we had. Preschool is SO young. It should be a warm, playful experience. But that’s just my opinion.
Anon says
Ugh, thanks, and for better or worse, I fall on this end of the spectrum too. I probably wouldn’t feel as bad about it if it were only a few hours a day at a 9-12 program, but since this ends up being full day care, she is just so little to have a mostly harsh voice in their ear. My oldest child just spent a year with a very stern teacher in 3rd grade, and we did spend the year working with her on the lesson that you don’t always love who you have to work with. For a little child, I wish her primary caregiver during the day was warmer. I probably won’t move her, as my husband feels strongly that we shouldn’t, and financially, it doesn’t make sense for us right now, but I do not feel great about it. I’m wondering if you can share more about your experience with your child’s teacher, and things you later learned?
Anonymous says
So mine was just in a 9-12 program. This was 2021-2022, near DC so masks were still required for most of the year. When they were no longer required, the teacher was CLEARLY upset and singled out children who didn’t wear a mask (including mine). She would yell at children, we saw this during a family school event. To be clear, I do raise my voice at my kids during unsafe situations, this was a minor issue and she was yelling which wasn’t appropriate. She would correct kids on manners at pickup/drop off. Personally I think manners are for parents and family culture to determine. Like if a kid came out excited and hugged mom she would VERY sternly correct the child and say “YOU NEED TO SAY HELLO FIRST”. Also she would talk about kid issues loudly. One of my friends daughters had benign urinary frequency, common with 4 year old girls, and she would scold the girl in front of other parents about how many times she used the bathroom that day.
A lot of this stuff didn’t happen until April/May that year so we didn’t see it until it was like well…might as well finish the year.
I just don’t want to pay someone to yell at my kid, and that goes across all activities. Like they’re literally being paid to be EXTRA patient.
Anon says
Ugh, thanks for sharing all of this. I’m sorry your child had that experience, and I agree with you – I’m not a perfect, non-yelling person – but I’m also not a preschool teacher. The hugging thing is especially unusual and controlling. All of this sounds a little similar, and I feel like she was super shame-y of my child, who had an accident on like day 2. It’s her second day of preschool! We brought extra pants! She’s 3!!!!! Ugh, I’ll keep an eye on it, and if things don’t trend in the right direction, maybe we’ll find another spot for her.
Anonymous says
Oh yeh kids should never be shamed for potty accidents. At the same school my son had accidents for like the first 2 weeks (just didn’t get there first enough) and they didn’t care at all. He was a young 3 though and really recently potty trained.
Anonymous says
My kid didn’t love her 3s teacher, but did like her 2s and 4th. She’s now in 3rd grade, and whenever we run into the beloved teachers in the neighborhood she doesn’t remember them. She doesn’t remember the bad ones either. She remembers all her friends though — a new girl started at her aftercare this week and my daughter corrected me that she’s not new because they knew each other from in her 3s class (ie 4-5 years ago), and apparently remember this?
Anon says
Good morning! Question with a lot of parts: We would like to start an allowance for our mid elementary aged children. For those that do:
1) What amount do you do?
2) Do you have any sort of bank account for part of it? Any bank recommendations? How do you decide what goes in the account vs stays in cash so they have the benefits of the visual of cash? (Our kids have gotten cash from grandparents for gifts over the years and it’s already kind of crammed in the random things they store it in, so we’d like to do a mix).
3) Any recs for a slightly more sophisticated looking “piggy bank” of sorts to the store the cash in? Probably the least important of these questions but I feel like we could improve upon our random stuffed jars.
4) Does anyone do the whole forced spend/save/donate buckets? I don’t think we will, but curious to hear from others.
5) Do you tie it to chores? I know this can be a debated topic. Even if we don’t tie it to chores per se, we’d also like to up our kid’s chore responsibilities. What chores do your kid elementary schools do?
Phew! Thank you for making it this far, ha. Happy to hear from all even if it’s only an answer to one or two parts :)
Cb says
We do £2 a week for our 6 year old as UBI. But we never use cash in the UK so we have a notes app on our phones which has the balance and what it’s been spent on. I think that’s helpful from a “why don’t I have money for this?” “Well… you’ve spend £5.50 on a Pokemon magazine and now you’re broke!”
I buy giftcards off him since my in-laws send the equivalent of a Nordstrom giftcard for some inexplicable reason.
Anon says
1) We do $1/per week/year of age
2) This may not work for older kids who would be out without their parents, but we just keep a mental tally of how much she has.
3) N/A for us.
4) Nope, I think the whole point of allowance is for them to buy junk and regret it.
5) Nope, we view allowance as universal basic income. Although I think soon we’re going to start offering the opportunity to earn additional money by doing bigger chore projects (not something like picking up her room, but something like helping me clean out a basement closet)
Anonymous says
Ugh that would set me back nearly $25/week (kids are 5/8/10).
Which…I could swing but I already buy them all kinds of junk. What stuff do you no longer buy/have them buy with allowance? Or do they just save if?
I feel like this allowance would just lead to them begging me to take them to target to buy crap.
Anon says
I commented below but we added up what we were spending around the time we started the allowance at age 4 and it was actually pretty close to $4/week. We no longer buy her any vacation souvenirs or things from museum gift shops and we have asked the grandparents to cut back on their gift shop buying and have her use her allowance instead (they’re not at zero like we are, but they did cut back a lot). My husband used to buy her a small toy most weeks during their weekly grocery store shopping and no longer does that. So basically I feel like we’re coming out even or pretty close to it?
We plan to make her buy more of her own stuff as the allowance increases. The one thing I will always buy is books because I want to encourage reading.
Anon2 says
Another vote for “stop buying them the junk and you will actually end up ahead with an allowance.” Some months my kids do ask me to take them out right away so they can buy things. But they also learned way quicker than I expected that it’s not always worth it to blow your budget immediately. In fact, when we were out somewhere I offered to advance my 5yo that month’s allowance, and he decided to put the toy back because he only wanted to spend the money he already had (which is a GREAT takeaway and worth giving an allowance to get that perspective!)
I also pay out once a month, so it’s not like they ask me every week to go shopping.
But really, whenever they want anything outside the normal scope turn it back to them and tell them they can buy it themselves if they choose.
Anonymous says
The point of an allowance is that you stop buying them crap. “That’s what your allowance is for.” They will beg you to take them to Target a few times and then stop when they realize that the cheap junk is boring. Then they will start saving up for that big thing they want that you won’t buy them because now they have an allowance.
Mary Moo Cow says
I’m muddling through allowance with my 8 and 6 year olds. We start allowance in Kindergarten, moving from 50 cents a week in Kindergarten to $1 a week in 1st grade, $2 in second grade, $3 in third grade. It wasn’t previously tied to chores, but my kids are so unmotivated to clean, that we’re now trying a split: $1/week allowance to learn money management, and you earn the rest of your allowance only if you complete your (nominal! not taxing! why is it so hard to clear your place?!) chores every week. This also means that each kid got a raise, so 1st grader will get $1 per week and can earn $1, 3rd grader gets $3 per week and can earn $2.
I read and liked “The Opposite of Spoiled,” so I like the idea of severing allowance and chores, because chores are just what you do as a member of a family sharing a home, but on the other hand, I like to be paid for my work, so I understand the money motivation. Chores are clearing their own dishes after meals, picking up toys from common areas every day, picking up their own rooms once a week (especially before the cleaning service comes); we’re transitioning into setting the table for dinner, sweeping the floor every few days, and feeding pets every day. The goal for the winter/spring is to add putting away clean laundry, unloading the dishwasher.
We do cash; a few times a month I get an extra $10 when I check out at the grocery store and just have a stash of ones. Kids have cycled through various piggy banks, so no real advice there. Big kid had a big clear plastic jar with a coin counter lid for a while; little kid uses an empty hello kitty craft kit; big kid mostly stuffs it in her purse and then can never find her purse.
Anon2 says
I might be on the lower end, but I do $5/month for my 6yo and $10/month for my 8yo. It’s not directly tied to chores, but we make the broader point that part of growing up is increased privileges (allowance) and increased responsibilities.
My younger one takes out the recycling throughout the week as it fills up and helps set the table; my older clears dishes, helps set the table and does his laundry. They both clean their rooms every week and we are gradually building up to more…
We don’t enforce different buckets right now. It’s such a small amount of money and they are already learning that if they spend it all on matchbox cars they won’t have any to save for a Lego set. It has been helpful in that all the little things I used to be tempted to throw in the cart, I give them the option to buy themselves now. I’ve also wondered, what’s really the difference between spend and save at this age? A 6yo won’t grasp saving up for a car or college! And they are already saving up for bigger things, like Lego sets, over the course of several months by their own choice.
I do plan to phase in a “give” bucket of maybe $1/month soon. But I’m also just figuring it out so taking it step by step.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Work in progress over here (as noted last week to AE’s question!) but we’re trying an allowance for older kid now. $ amount per age, so $7/week, in theory. Cash. Not tied to any chores for now. He doesn’t have many chores to begin with, just clearing his plate and putting toys away (if asked/prodded). Kid doesn’t spend much at the moment and is never away from us in a place where he can spend, but we have occasionally made him buy random toys he’s requested with his own money. He gets cash from grandparents sometimes too, and all of it is in a ziplock bag in his room.
So, no clear system here at the moment, maybe we’ll figure it out by the time the second kid is in early elementary.
Anon says
what do you have your kids spend it on? mine are in kindergarten, so still young, but are almost never in a store or a place to buy something that they want. their bdays are nicely spaced from the holidays so they just add things they think they want to a wishlist. our vacations so far consist of visiting grandparents who spoil them plenty. the only thing i can think of is having them buy their own school spirit shirts if they want those, but that feels a bit ridiculous to me, but maybe it isnt?
Anon says
Maybe I just have a greedy kid, but mine is the same age and never has trouble finding small toys to buy at the grocery store or Target or even random places where you wouldn’t expect to buy a toy (I took her to a class at MyGym and she bought one of the $1 toys they had for sale). Any time we go to a zoo or science museum she wants to go to the gift shop. We also make her use her allowance for vacation souvenirs and we gently encourage saving before vacations so she has money to spend. So far she has not saved up for big things like Lego sets. Getting her to save ~$10 for the vacations is hard enough.
Anon says
you don’t have a greedy kid! i’m the anon at 10:55 and my kids rarely accompany me on a trip to the grocery store or target, which is probably why
Anon says
Ah I see, maybe it doesn’t make sense for you then. We originally came up with the allowance amount by adding up how much money we were typically spending on her, but we (especially my husband) tended to be pretty generous with buying her stuff when out and about. I thought of one other thing – food treats like shave ice at the farmer’s market. We normally buy her food, including ice cream and other treats on a family outing, but if she wants something that we aren’t getting then we have her use her allowance. And yes, if she wants to replace anything functional (clothes, lunch box, etc) she would buy that from allowance, but so far hasn’t chosen to spend any of her money on that.
Anon2 says
Adding, maybe you get your kids small things throughout the year that don’t make it onto the “holidays” list, and you could shift those to the kids’ responsibility (and allow them to determine if they are priorities to have!). This is a super random list but all ideas — nail polish or hairbows, posters or pens at the school book fair, ice cream from the truck at the park, coloring books, fancy crayons or paints (above and beyond stocking decent art supplies at home), a new water bottle or lunchbox if they don’t like the perfectly functional ones you have at home, etc
Again you don’t HAVE to make your kids pay for their own stuff, but a nice part of allowance is that it’s cut out a whole category of small, unnecessary stuff that I used to buy without a second thought.
Anon2 says
If they are satisfied with waiting until holidays for things then great, you probably don’t need an allowance. Soon they will probably start asking for things they want more urgently and then you can start. But to your question, examples of things my kindergartener bought/wants include a small American flag at the grocery store, a goldfish stuffed animal being sold at swim lessons, match box cars for the racing games he places in the basement, Pokémon cards, charms for crocs, etc. Though really he only gets an allowance because his older brother does (who likes to save for things like switch games and Lego sets/figures). I think closer to 7 is probably a good age to start.
Anonymous says
My older one was in kindergarten and first grade while we were very isolated for Covid so didn’t really have exposure to stores till age 7. So I get it. Now we do take them on errands. Kids (8 and newly 5) generally spend their money on gum (that’s the big one), candy, and garage sale toys or occasionally matchbox cars. We were not in the habit of buying them stuff while out and about and don’t often buy toys outside of birthdays. We are not zero buy – I did buy them t shirts while on vacation, or if the family is going for ice cream I buy it.
Momofthree says
1) we do $1 per year old per week.
2) we don’t use a bank account. We do it in cash every week
3) I had them decorate a box for their main “piggy” bank & then I just used old glass pasta jars for their savings & charity depositories.
4) We have three buckets- spend, save & charity. We require $1 per week in charity & then will double the amount when they go to give it. For any $1 in savings, they accrue .50 at the end of the month but then can’t spend it for the month. So at the end of August, they accrued interest, but only on money they can’t touch until Oct.
5) Don’t tie it to chores. If they do something “extra” though, that’s an additional way to earn money.
If they want to buy something somewhere that doesn’t use cash, we use our credit card & pay them back. I don’t always make them pay me back sales tax if I buy it via my card.
Anonymous says
1 – $1/year of age
2) my husband is trying to set this up but we don’t have it worked out
3) we just have some mason jars with special lids
4) we ask him to put $1 a week in a charity fund, but gave up on the save fund as it was just to encourage him to save for big things HE wanted. He did that anyway. We do a charity donation about 1-2x a year to a charity of his choice and match what he donates.
5) no because we don’t want chores to be optional. He’s 11 now and responsible for feeding the cats in the morning, putting away his laundry, folding his pants/shorts, unloading the dishwasher daily (this was just the silverware until very recently), clearing his place after meals, setting the table before meals, and we’re trying to have him clean a bathroom each week but have been inconsistent with this. The bathroom cleaning is also new. All of this was phased in gradually over time. He usually makes his breakfast too and is starting to do a little more cooking in general.
Anonymous says
PS – when he was younger, he would tend to spend his allowance on random things like bouncy balls or erasers from coin-op vending machines (we live in a city so he would pass them daily on his way home from school), gift shop purchases when visiting museums and traveling, and then he would save up for lego sets and such. Now he mostly uses them for video games and in-game purchases. We don’t usually make him spend it on food/snacks/treats, but anything else discretionary. He also sometimes has used it for gifts when he wants to, but he doesn’t get enough to make that feasible for all gifts.
Anan says
-We do $3/ week for our 11 year old. $1/week for the six year old. Nothing for the 4 year old.
-The allowance is in a spreadsheet and we add or subtract money on the spreadsheet as it comes in or is spent. We need to do better on showing and tracking the spreadsheet with them, I think.
-The oldest also gets cash from dog walking or walking kids to the bus or special occasion gifts, and for that money we bought her a fireproof/waterproof pouch with a bank ledger inside so that she can track the amounts and we go over it with her twice a month.
-We don’t have forces buckets, but I am contemplating a family “give” project that we all contribute to.
-We do not tie it to the every day chores, but we give the oldest extra money for mowing the lawn or watching her siblings or stuff like that. On a regular basis she is expected to do her own laundry (sometimes we will flip it for her, but she is expected to out it away), help clean up after dinner, empty the dishwasher. The six year old is expected to help clean up after dinner, keep his room tidy, put away his clean clothes. Then the kids share tasks like general tidying, wiping down the bathroom, etc. And then general life habits like put away backpacks and lunch boxes, setting the table for dinner, etc…
I did read in Secrets to a Happy Family that people respond better to money being taken away than to be given money. So, for example, if money was to be used as an incentive to do something, say emptying the dishwasher every day, then you give them the money at the beginning of the week and take some away each time they don’t do a task. I don’t know if it would work with every kid, but it is an interesting approach.
Anonymous says
Age 8, $1.50 a week which is intended to be divided between charity, saving, and spending. We did that decide because my child was having horrible anxiety about spending any money at all. This means that it takes a couple weeks to save up for a pack of gum, so we may revisit. Previous to allowance we did $1 per chapter book read. We also offer special chores for money (but regular chores are not connected to allowance).
Anon says
$8 a week for a 9 year old. Requires three chores – has to do all three, or no allowance. It’s in cash, we don’t police how he uses it. We do have a bank account for him for when relative send checks for B-day etc. but we haven’t used it for this purpose.
He keeps it in a wallet, nothing fancy. Getting slightly better about ‘saving’ towards bigger things than spending it all right away on crap from the dollar store.
We plan to increase chores and amount received as he gets older. Current chores are clean cat litter boxes, sort kids’ laundry, and put away clothes.
My goal is to have a fairly large allowance but an expectation by his teens that he buys his own ‘extras.’ (Meals out with friends, clothes over and above the basic back to school or required sports stuff, etc.) I don’t know how you otherwise learn about money management. We also expect him to work for a paycheck once he’s legally allowed to, even if it’s only a couple hours a week. I see that as more valuable and necessary to a successful adulthood than almost any extracirricular he’d be in.
avocado says
I have posted about this before. We gave $5/week in elementary and $10/week in middle school. Kiddo was responsible for buying all her own “extras”: toys, souvenirs, gum and candy, outings with friends, makeup when she was old enough, graphic novels, art supplies, craft kits, etc. We did not tie the allowance to chores because chores are part of living in a family and required no matter what. We did not require any donations or savings. I matched donations to give her an incentive. I don’t believe forced saving teaches good money management, because the kid is not learning to choose to save in order to achieve a goal and because the savings are not “real” money because they never get used for anything. My daughter was so proud of herself when she saved up for months to buy a second American Girl doll after we told her that Santa Claus doesn’t bring AG dolls to kids who already have one.
When she hit high school I figured out how much I was spending on her clothes, school supplies, haircuts, and toiletries and gave her the total amount as a monthly allowance. At first I paid for her stuff and tallied her expenses in a spreadsheet, then when she was 15 we set up a checking account with a debit card. She has gotten pretty good at managing her money. While all my friends were complaining about how much they were spending on prom for their kids I got to sit back and nod politely because my kid had planned ahead and budgeted for her dress, alterations, and ticket. She decided she didn’t want to spend money on hair and makeup and was very happy with all of her decisions. For holidays and birthdays I do find myself giving her practical things that she needs but doesn’t want to spend money on, like a new ski jacket when she outgrew hers, and a rashguard when she thought she could get away without wearing one (in violation of family rules) if she didn’t own one.
In my experience the keys to success with an allowance are giving the kid enough money to actually save up for the big things they want in a reasonable amount of time, allowing them to make their own mistakes, and being clear and firm about whose responsibility it is to buy which categories of things (e.g., mom and dad pay for family outings, but when you go out with friends you spend your own money). Handled properly, an allowance is a great way to let kids learn good spending habits before large amounts of money and credit ratings are at risk, and to build independence and self-confidence.
Anonymous says
1) my 6.5 y/o gets $5/week. The twins are toddlers so they “help” me pick up toys sometimes but do not get an allowance :)
2) No
3) No help, sorry. We use a piggy bank and tbh sometimes I find cash in his room. Shrug.
4) We don’t. We haven’t really been doing it long enough. He spends it all fairly frequently and honestly I’m fine with that.
5) unpopular opinion but I DO tie allowance to chores. Like if he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor all week AND doesn’t pick them up on Saturday when I remind him, he doesn’t get his allowance. This is the only success I’ve had with getting him to do chores consistently. I am not advocating that you do it like this, but it works for us.
Anon says
for those whose kiddos are having some trouble with back to school, i ordered some little lunchbox note cards that have cute pics on them and any time my kindergartner is having trouble, we talk about the card and she gets very excited to see which one she is going to get each day.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Just a vent – I had my 2nd to last ST appointment for DS #2 yesterday (virtual, early intervention). She let me know ahead of time that her camera wasn’t working so we wouldn’t be able to see her during the session, but she would be able to see us. I felt like…I was facilitating the whole session and I swear I heard her texting/typing during a good chunk of it.
Fortunately, we’re starting in-person, in-clinic ST in October which is logistically going to be not as convenient but a better fit for DS #2 (who is doing so well – he has so many words and is putting them together, slowly but surely!), and if the therapists (both current and future) are right, he should “graduate” in 6-9 months.
Cb says
Argh, that is shocking! I’m sorry it wasn’t a good experience for you/DS.
Anon says
Could the typing sounds have been her writing notes from the session?
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Ah, good thought. Thank you!
Anon says
That’s what I assumed as well, although it’s a little odd that she didn’t say something like “I’ll be taking notes in case you hear me typing.”
Cb says
I’ve been laughing all day. We rescued a beagle en route to school today, getting her out of the road and reunited with her owner, and my son will definitely tell everyone he meets today about his heroism. As we were cycling away, he goes “that was my greatest accomplishment, shame there wasn’t a newspaper person there…”
Anon says
Hahaha
Emma says
Haha that’s cute. Also, as the owner of a Beagle, thanks for doing that! They are cute and also the biggest escape artists.
Anonymous says
The cutest thing about this is that he knows what a newspaper is!
Anon says
When in the first trimester would you say your uterus is no longer fully protected by the pelvis and ab muscles? I’ve heard a few different things and I plan to ask my doctor at my upcoming first trimester appointment, but I’m curious about what others have heard. I’m trying to decide whether to cancel a pre-planned activity that does have some (low) fall risk at 8.5 weeks pregnant.
Anon says
8 weeks should be fine. My doctor told me 12 weeks.
Anonymous says
8 weeks is generally fine but go by how you feel as well. I downhill skied under 10 weeks on my first pregnancy (although stopped any challenging runs around 6 weeks) and stopped skiing right away on my second pregnancy (twins – I felt exhausted and huge from the start).
Anon says
Ugh, I’m actually really sad I’ll be too pregnant to ski during ski season :( I know some women keep it up the whole time, but I would prefer not to in my state with crowded ski slopes.
Anon says
I’d also realize that joints start to get looser pretty early in pregnancy, so you’ll be more prone to injury. And you’re also less able to take pain medication or anesthesia, so any injuries are more complicated to treat.
Anonymous says
For me that also contributed to just more trouble balancing, pretty much right away. That coupled with a lot more lightheadeness had me stop biking pretty early on, even if the fetus was still protected.
Anon says
taking my kids skiing for the first time in January. we live in a warm climate so whatever i buy them will likely only be worn once because i’m sure they will grow out of it by next year, so I am going to try to borrow from people, but what exactly do they need clothing wise to make it a success? thanks!
Anon says
I would scout out garage sales and ski swaps. You’ll need pants, a jacket, a helmet, gloves, and goggles (which you may not already have), but they can make do with existing leggings and sweatshirts. If you were going to pick up a skiing habit more regularly, I’d suggest investing in better baselayers, but if it’s a one-off, they’ll be fine with a long-sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt or fleece, and leggings under the outerwear. Get the helmets new – they’re not that expensive and you don’t want to use used ones.
Anonymous says
Helmets can easily be rented along with skis
Anon says
They definitely can, but I wouldn’t trust them for a child. When it comes to head safety, you want a helmet that has definitely not been in a crash or dropped onto concrete. Rental helmets are smashed around all the time.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Most places rent helmets along with skis. I don’t know if it’s worth investing in and lugging around a helmet for one trip.
Anon says
Depending on the expected weather, you may also want to get them a fleece balaclava for under their helmet. These get damp so my kids often want to switch them out mid-day, along with their mittens.
Anonymous says
Ski mom here – how old? Do you have snow pants etc already?
Anon says
two will be 5.5 year olds at the time. we have literally nothing. we live in a warm weather climate.
Anonymous says
My favorite brands for economical good quality outdoor gear are Columbia, Decathlon and Mountain Warehouse. Mountain Warehouse sometimes has double packs and they have great deals on snowsuit sets as well. You can reasonably expect to reuse ski socks and mittens (buy two pairs per kid), and likely snowpants and coats. My favorite snow pants are the Columbia Adventure Rib bib pants which are easy to find on sale, waterproof and have extendable cuffs. Local consignment shop may have a ski section, or try Poshmark. You can filter for NWT on Poshmark as well and most sellers give big discounts for multiple items. Poshmark is actually a decent source for kids outdoor winter gear as well. Particularly if you know what sizes/brands you want. I don’t use it for myself because I want to try stuff on, but I find it handy for kids. Kombi animal mitts and hats are the cutest and I am so sad my kids are too big for them!
For age 5-6, I would have a second set of whatever they wear under their snowsuits. If they have sporty clothes, use those but avoid cotton. Fleece is great. If you have girls, heavy non-cotton leggings are fine for on bottom. Cotton sweatpants tend to get sweaty and uncomfortable. Baggy pants will not fit comfortably under snowpants. Emphasize that going to the bathroom is a production so pee after lunch and remind them to give themselves lots of time to get to the bathroom when they have to go.
You’ll get better value of out of a pair of snowpants and a coat vs a one piece (although my kids ski in one pieces at home but when we travel to ski, I take their snowpants and coat sets). The North Face Warm Storm coat with a fleece or thin puffer layered underneath is what I use for our travel ski gear. Those coats are windproof/waterproof and great on their own for a Canadian fall (which I guess is winter equivalent where you are?).
Anonymous says
I wrote a long reply that seems stuck in mod. Columbia for adventure ride snowpants, Decathlon and Mountain Warehouse are more go to for under layers . Kombi animal hats and mitts because they are so stinking cute.
Anonymous says
hello from a MA ski family!
Where are you going to ski? If you are going to Vail the clothing is different than northern VT.
Generally, you need:
Skis/boots/poles (maybe, tbd on age)/helmet- you can rent all this
Ski pants/bibs
Waterproof/resistant ski jacket
Good gloves/mittens (you don’t need Hestra but if you want them to have fun don’t use cheap target gloves or they will freeze as soon as you have a windy day)
Wool socks
A warm underlayer or two (my kids ski in either Chilis or underarmor coldgear but if you are going to be skiing in 20ish degree weather in Vail you guys should be fine in just leggings and a sweat shirt).
I’d borrow high quality everything vs buying it. We own everything but we ski nearly weekly over the winter and I have 3 kids that share/hand down old gear. You could also buy used then resell after the trip on something like Mercari
to add: just saw they are 5.5. Target gear is fine; they will get tired before they get cold. Source: my kids are 5/7/10 and have all skied proficiently since age 4.
Anonymous says
and googles and a balacava.
Anon says
thanks! we are going to park city
Anonymous says
I would have two pairs of waterproof mittens for each kid if they are small, and a pair of mittens and a pair of gloves if they are big enough that they can actually move their fingers in the gloves (maybe age 8-10). If conditions are wet and/or the resort is actively making snow the mittens will get soaked before anything else and you will want to have a spare set. You will also need kid-sized neck gaiters, non-cotton socks and base layers, and helmets and goggles. We just use synthetic leggings and long-sleeved synthetic athletic tees as base layers, with a fleece as the midlayer.
Anonymous says
Any decent resort will have a dryer available. And at 5.5 never skiers those kids will likely be in lessons which means on the hot cocoa circuit :).
I taught my kids, and we skied until they were too cold wet or tired. Tired always came with kid that young.
My 10 year old got upgraded gear last season because she is unstoppable except by near frostbite ;). At just-turned-9 she had me going down the Goat at Stowe. I had her practice calling ski patrol before we went just in case!
Anonymous says
We don’t ski at decent resorts–our local hill has no dryer, LOL.
Anonymous says
Really?! I am in MA and ski everywhere-Little hills through killington and stowe. There are boot dryers everywhere! I just stick mittens on them.
RSV Vaccine? says
Any tips on finding the RSV vaccine that was just approved for 32-36 w of pregnancy? My OB doesn’t have it yet, and neither do a few local pharmacies, but I really want to get one before this narrow window of eligibility closes!
Anon says
County health dept? Grocery store? My mom just got the RSV vax at a grocery store but maybe the elderly vaccine is different or more widely available.
anon says
These are good places to start. Next, I’d try academic medical centers. If it’s the same formulation as what the elderly get, then maybe geriatric clinics? The manufacturer?
Does your OB have any thoughts? I feel like it’s reasonable to expect your OB to help locate it.
RSV Vaccine? says
Thanks very much! My ob’s not-so-helpful suggestion was for me to call around to local pharmacies.
anon at 11:56 says
I’m so sorry you’ve gotten such unhelpful advice. I’m someone who will go to great lengths not to bug my doctor, but I would totally call/send a message telling the OB you’ve struck out on pharmacies and asking for further help. Other patients at that clinic need the vaccine too.
This is also something where a call from OB to OB or nurse to nurse or clinic manager to clinic manager is going to work a lot better to get you access if there are some obstetrics clinics in your area that already have it. A clinic is much more likely to go out of their way to help a person who isn’t their established patient if a colleague at another clinic requests it.
If this anecdote helps, my OB was able to get a physician to physician consult late on a Friday afternoon when I was heavily pregnant by calling up a friend for advice on a concern that needed to be treated ASAP to avoid postpartum problems. This was a specialist who schedules six months to a year out, but a good doc will lean on their network to get time-sensitive problems resolved.
Anon says
The vaccine isn’t approved for pregnant women yet, anon at 11:56. The doctor is not going to be able to magically get her a vaccine before approval.
Anon says
Walgreens has near me them in their online scheduling tool. I’d keep calling around to whatever local pharmacies are most convenient.
Anonymous says
Our church has it?
Betsy says
Is it actually available yet? I thought the CDC still needed to sign off.
Anon says
I thought so too, especially since there was a statistically significant increase in preterm birth risk associated with the vaccine. I might be wrong about the approval timeline though.
Betsy says
The list of what ACIP has recently recommended is here, and it doesn’t include RSV in pregnancy yet. https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/acip/recommendations.html
Found a news article that suggested they may review it in October, so your OB sent you on a wild goose chase! RSV for older adults, and the antibody treatment for babies have been recently recommended, but not yet the one you’re looking for.
Anon says
Correct. The CDC committee is meeting in early October and it should be available in pharmacies within a week or two after that. https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/fda-approves-rsv-vaccine-pregnant-mothers-protect-babies-rcna100946
It was approved for the elderly back in May, so is already available for them.
Anon says
My kindergartner has her first field trip next week! She’s bouncing off the walls with excitment and her excitement is infectious. I’ve seen quite a few comments here lately about how fun it is to watch toddlers and preschoolers’ worlds expand when they start daycare (and I fully agree!) but I didn’t realize how much it would continue in elementary school, even for a kid who was already in daycare.
Anonymous says
Yes! My kindergartner is so excited about more “formal” learning, like math! Science!