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Looking for a stocking stuffer for the baby or toddler in your life?
L.L.Bean is my go-to for quality outerwear. Their animal hat will keep your little one warm and cozy all winter. This hat has a soft lining for extra warmth, earflaps, and a velcro chinstrip. The deer is particularly seasonal, but the other three animals (bear, dragon, and bunny) are equally charming.
This hat is $29.95 at L.L.Bean and comes in sizes 6-12 months to 2T-4T.
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(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
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Cb says
Oh I like the hats with the straps. I loved the Polarn o Pyret ones when he was little, and now he has a JoJo Maman one he’s been wearing for years (has finally grown into his enormous noggin, if not the enormous ears).
Anon says
Can you help me brainstorm how DH can tell his mom we don’t trust her doing daycare pickup drop off? He’s not the best with words so trying to figure out good ways to phrase it.
Back story: she is our backup plan to help us in a pinch if baby2 comes early. However, I didn’t realize how bad of a driver she is and the area we live in has very aggressive drivers. She is used to driving in TX with wide roads and lots of space. Also has never driven a car bigger than a sedan (she would drive my crv, which is easy to drive but bigger than what she’s used to), doesn’t do highway driving, doesn’t know how to use GPS, etc etc.
I know, it was a terrible idea to even consider her as a backup daycare driver but desperate times called for desperate measures (we were desperate as my attempts to find a driver have been fruitless). I’ve done the ride with her at least a dozen times in the hopes that it’ll improve once she gets used to our car and the route (ten minutes from our house), but it hasn’t. My husband has been in the car with her only once.
Obviously she will know that I think she’s an unsafe driver if my husband tells her we don’t want her driving, so are there any ways to lessen the hurt feelings?
Anon says
Nope, there aren’t ways to lessen the hurt feelings. I think you just have to be direct and deal with her reaction.
Spirograph says
This. Any way you try to soften this will seem like an open door for negotiation. If your mind is made up that you don’t want her driving your child, you need to just say that. Obviously “we appreciate your willingness to help, but…” and “we still want you to spend time with the grandkids” but no ambiguity around the driving piece.
Anon says
If she’s the backup driver and not doing this regularly, can you just….not ask her when the time comes? Just go with Plan B (whatever that may be) and don’t say anything to her directly. If she asks, just say – oh this just happened to be easier or more convenient or whatever. For example, my parents can’t take care of my 3rd toddler bc they are getting older, but we have never told them that directly. We just “plan around” them ever being directly in charge of her, and just ask them to do other things that are better suited to their and our comfort level.
Anon says
And +1 to Lil below. I would and have happily driven home a classmate in any circumstances, but especially if a new baby was on the way. Ask the teacher to send a note or you can email the class (or parents you know/trust directly). Easy to tell your MIL that it was just easier to have a classmate drop your child off on the way home. Then if you want your MIL and daughter at the hospital, you can send your husband home to pick them up. If you don’t want either of them at the hospital, then you’ve got a great job for your MIL to keep your child at home, and can be genuinely appreciative that you have her to keep the older child at home while you guys get settled in at the hospital (and RSV, etc. are all great explanations why you don’t want them at the hospital at first). I think having a Conversation about this is inviting trouble. Save the Conversation for when she needs to stop driving completely.
Walnut says
Agreed, find a new backup and drop her down to backup backup status. I’m willing to bet she’s not super thrilled driving an uncomfortably large car in a congested area and may be silently appreciative of not being asked.
I personally wouldn’t be overly vocally critical so as to burn the bridge of her helping in the future when you need the backup backup plan.
Anonymous says
I guess I wonder what your plan is then. I wouldn’t tell her “you can’t drive”. I would tell her “great news! BettySue’s mom will drive so you can be ready and set up at home.” Or “we’ve been thinking about it and the baby coming is going to be stressful for sibling, so when I go into labor dad will pick him up to help explain and keep him calm and drop him off to you!” Odds are pretty good she won’t need to do this anyway, most of us don’t go from first contraction to head hanging out quickly, your husband can go do this pickup if it happens at school and instead of drop off she can just keep kid home for the day.
Anon says
But what if she decides to drive kiddo to the grocery store to pick something up? It’s not just this drive to school. Op doesn’t want her driving her kid at all, and if that’s the case i feel like she needs to be direct. I also think being direct is more courteous even if it ultimately causes hurt feelings. But I am a very direct person and would be more hurt by someone not being straight with me.
Anon says
Don’t leave the keys to the car.
anon says
If you think she’s totally fine in her home environment (and not a hazard there too), have your spouse blame the local drivers. You’ve been seeing even worse local driving and it’s not fair to ask her to drive an unfamiliar car amid such terrible, unsafe driving and roads not designed for modern traffic.
That said, if it’s just a highway issue, is it safe for her to drive on surface streets? Those are really different types of driving and people who aren’t comfortable on highways sometimes excel at 25mph and coming to a complete stop frequently.
Anonymous says
Can you hire a daycare worker to bring baby home to her? Play it off as a preference of the centre or trying to support a worker who is saving $ for her kids Christmas gifts?
Anon says
Find a new driver and don’t tell her that you don’t trust her. I think it’s unnecessary and the situation may not even materialize. Why hurt feelings? Plus she probably doesn’t even want to drive if she’s never used a GPS and says doesn’t drive on the highways. Sounds like she knows it’s not her strong suit. She’s just helping out due to necessity.
Anon says
Thanks everyone for your input. I knew there was no way to soften the news…wishful thinking on my part.
Unfortunately she’s staying with us at the moment, so she’s been super eager everyday to practice! I only have so many lives left to deal with near death experiences…hah.
Walnut says
Sounds like you need to send your husband out with her a few times (errand runs?) and have him start with a “Hey Mom, is this stressing you out? It’s stressing me out.” approach.
Anon says
I would frame it as “needing someone experienced with highway driving/city driving and larger cars.” That’s probably all you’re going to achieve in terms of softening the blow…
Anon says
I don’t mean to freak you out and bring everyone majorly down, but in case you need further resolve that you are doing the right thing:
In my hometown a grandmother picking her grandchildren up at school last year struck and killed a crossing guard. This was not on a highway, just regular streets. She was driving a huge SUV. I had heard that the SUV was not hers, and the speculation is that it was in part because she was not used to that size of a car (this part they don’t mention in the articles though, so that is more rumor I’m not 100% on). Obviously, a horrific situation for everyone involved.
Io says
SUVs are getting psychotically large. I’ve encountered several where the hood is at my shoulder and I’m 5’4”. Our crossing guard is probably 5’. Anyone would kill a crossing guard in that. These SUVs need to be outlawed.
Lil says
Hmmm. For the “possible back up” aspect, I might not have this full on conversation. Do you think she’s capable of taking care of older child by herself at your home for a two days? Husband could go the route of “I know the weather, traffic etc around here is terrible. We’ve been thinking that older child might be happier with special time at home with Grandma when the baby comes”. If you haven’t already, you could also email other parents in your daycare class and ask. Even if I didn’t know your family well, I would be happy to help a fellow parent with something like this (and have on several occasions).
Lil says
Sorry-threading fail!
Anonymous says
This is a good idea. I would definitely be fine with helping out another family with a drop off while mom is in labour/in the hospital
ElisaR says
any suggestions on influencers to look at for styling boots/jeans? i just can’t figure it out. I need to see it on other people. this new cropped jeans with ankle boots thing is baffling me.
Anonymous says
Jo-Lynne Shane did a post on this within the past month or so. With the cropped straight or flare jeans I have found that the key is boots with a shaft narrow enough to fit under the pants and high enough that it doesn’t pop out from under the jeans hem when you sit down and then get caught on the jeans when you stand back up.
ElisaR says
thank you!
anon says
MerricksArt
anon says
Pumps and Push Ups on IG and I think she has a blog too.
Anonymous says
I almost suggested Pumps and Push-ups! I’m not nearly as petite as her but I find her outfit proportions helpful. I’m 5’3” FWIW.
anon mom says
Gift idea help please… my 7 yo daughter is going to go to her first sleepover in January, and I’d like to get her something for Christmas/stocking that would be fun to use there. She already has a sleeping bag, camp pillow and a headlamp from camping trips. What else should I consider? I feel like this should be easy and my brain is just… not working.
Anonymous says
One of those tiny squishimals? Lip smackers? A mini hand sanitizer or lotion with the backpack attachment/case? I know those aren’t specifically for sleepovers but that’s what comes to my 90s kid mind. Or get her a vintage Polly pocket off eBay. She’ll be the talk of the party. No I’m not just naming things I wish I got in my grown up advent calendar…ok maybe I am.
Cb says
Maybe some sort of zip up cozy suit?
Anonymous says
My seven year old would die before she wore something like that.
Anonymous says
Fun travel-sized toiletries?
Anonymous says
Dopp kit or large cosmetic bag for toothbrush etc.
TheElms says
A cute toiletry bag for her toothbrush/toothpaste and hairbrush/hair ties? Some fuzzy slipper socks if you live somewhere cold? (I have a 3 year old so sleepovers aren’t a thing for me yet, but when we get there I plan to stick all the kids in the basement because our bedrooms are small and our basement although finished is always chilly). A cute duffle/overnight bag to put her change of clothes/pjs in? A new pair of pjs?
Anon says
Cute pj’s.
Anon says
My 4th grader daughter has sleepovers most weekends (I posted yesterday about them staying up until midnight and getting up around 7am). She tends to pack:
Sleeping bag and a giant squishmallow as her pillow
A mini backpack with her “stuff” – Target has some cute mini backpacks right now.
Stuff – a book, some lip gloss, scrunchies, choker necklaces, and an eye mask for sleep.
An overnight bag with pajamas and clothes, that also fits her sleeping bag.
When she was younger she would also take a small clip on reading light, because she hates to sleep in the total dark and that helped her feel confident she wouldn’t have to.
We also have a code word for her to get me to pick her up, if she doesn’t want to admit it in front of her friends. So she can call me from the parent’s phone and say “How’s my puppy?” and I’ll know to find a reason to come get her, like saying her little brother is sick or we now need to leave for something super early in the morning. I told her she can say she just wants to call and check in, or if it’s the middle of the night she can say she had a bad dream and needs to check on him. We haven’t used it yet, but I think it helps her to know she has a way out if she needs it.
Anonymous says
Help! Looking for a last minute birthday gift for a 10 year old girl. I don’t know her well, but she likes horses and does theatre at school. Just something simple I can grab at walmart. Was thinking about a nice journal and some fun pens, I don’t know if walmart would have good selection of pretty journals.
DLC says
Highlighters, post its and pencils or (frixion pens) would be great for a theatre kid so they can mark up their part in their script. Not the most glamorous, though…
Anonymous says
I know you’re tired of this question. Help me decide on nanny vs au pair. We had a nanny before and DH complained that she was “always in his space.” I find it weird that his “space” is the kitchen because that’s where she always was, but I think he’s just an introvert. So that’s one point for a nanny bc someone living here would be too much for him to handle.
I need housekeeping, kid laundry and meal prep noon-2. Then I need someone to pick up toddlers from day care at 2:30 and go straight to elementary school to pick up kindergartner, give everyone a snack, entertain them for a couple hours, feed dinner, then I’ll be home from work to do toddler bedtime routine. It shapes up to be about 30 hours a week.
Considerations: we have a MIL suite for an au pair but it’s tiny. I wouldn’t want to live there full time. We also live outside Houston: I don’t see this being a big draw for an au pair but what do I know. There’s basically bike trails and restaurants and shopping for stuff to do (you know, like most of Texas). Also au pairs don’t usually drive?
Another consideration: we need to move. Should we buy a house with a guest house and get an au pair? I realize that sounds insane but I seriously need some help here and I’m willing to take some drastic measures to get it.
TheElms says
I don’t think au pair’s do housekeeping, but they could do kid laundry and meal prep for kids. To me it sounds like you need an afternoon sitter (pick up kids, entertain and feed them) and a housekeeper who was willing to do meal prep, two separate people for two separate jobs.
Anonymous says
I take your point about needing two people, but the housekeeping is washing breakfast dishes and sweeping, so it’s daily tasks, not something I can have a cleaning crew do once a week. I don’t think I can afford to have someone come clean up every day and a separate person to do kid transport and care. But I might have to get creative. Or maybe washing breakfast dishes at 9PM after kids are in bed is the norm?
Anon says
Nanny. I’m an introvert, and our current house isn’t suited for an au pair. We have a nanny (and have had her since my now-2 year old was 4 months old), and she is FANTASTIC and a great fit for our family, but I’m still glad she isn’t here 24/7 because I personally need my space to be my space in the off-hours.
If your husband struggled with a nanny, an au pair would not go well.
Space-wise, however, it sounds like you’re fine. Au pairs don’t need a guest house :)
anonM says
I think you might want to talk to an au pair agency/group. I live somewhere that’s not a vacation destination, with poor public transport. Seems like there are a fair amount of au pairs still, and they drive. My neighbor has an au pair, and I think she just has her own room, so not sure your MIL would be off-the-table.
ElisaR says
I would guess that if DH felt nanny was in his space he would feel that even moreso with an au pair. I think most au pairs I have met do drive. I wouldn’t buy a different house to accomodate an au pair. Your needs might be better suited for an au pair because I found it hard to hire a nanny for only afternoon/evenings. I think Texas (really anywhere in the US) would be a draw for au pairs. It’s not the bitter cold of the Northeast which I’ve heard some complain about. And as long as you can get to an airport they can explore the country. I think au pairs often come with the expectation of being part of the family. We look at them as staff, but they come in looking for a family experience (from what i’ve heard).
Anne-on says
The amount of emotional support/labor I had to do with our au pairs was not something I expected. I think many Americans expect them to be pleasant coworkers when in reality they are sold on a ‘fun big sister/cousin’ experience. It was a BIG adjustment to suddenly go from parenting a 4 year old to ‘parenting’ a 4 year old AND a 19 year old. I’m the introvert in my relationship and it was very, very draining. Overall – it was a good experience and I’d absolutely recommend it but having ‘just’ a nanny is a big relief for my introverted self.
Anonymous says
Yes my friend manages au pairs, and there’s definitely an expectation of cultural exchange. They’ll be included in holidays, most take them on family trips, they become part of your family in a good relationship
anon says
Nanny, because an au pair is not permitted to do housekeeping.
Anne-on says
We had au pairs for 4 years and now have a 25-hr a week nanny. The nanny costs more per hour than the 40hrs we had with an au pair but we get more value out of the nanny. I also didn’t love all the work it took to find an au pair and then transition them into and out of your house every single year. Our kid is also older so we need more of a house manager/driving nanny role which wasn’t what a lot of au pairs wanted (cute cuddle toddler in metro areas with lots of perks was the dream role apparently). We provide a car for our nanny but as she’s an adult it didn’t raise our rates (and 2 out of 4 au pairs had accidents).
We don’t have to feed/house/have the nanny around all the time. I don’t have to be emotional support for my nanny when she’s homesick, help her get a social security card, set up a bank account, navigate paying taxes, etc. Also the nanny is a native english speaker and has plenty of experience so I can say things like ‘hey, can you grab the purple doritos and then run over to the downtown trampoline park to grab kiddo’ without having to look up the directions to the trampoline park/google a picture of the doritos. Also au pairs are there to help the kid/do kid chores NOT do anything for pets/you/the house. It was (and is!) SO amazing to be able to have our nanny who walks our dog, picks up meds from the drugstore, drops packages at the UPS store, wrap gifts/buy gift cards, let the cleaners in, unbox/break down my amazon packages, make a dump run, etc. etc.
Anonymous says
This is super helpful: thank you! Sounds like an au pair is definitely not for us right now. How did you find a stellar nanny? My last nanny (from care dot com) was great but she was very young and didn’t have great boundaries (started telling me how to parent toward the end). At 8 months it was also the longest she had held down the same job. :) The older women I interviewed seemed very “my way or the highway”, which I understand but…my kids have some past trauma and I really do think I know best. Even if it doesn’t make sense from the outside, I need someone who’s open to trusting me when I say “that sounds like a good strategy that won’t work for this kid but thanks for suggesting it.”
Anonymous says
Idk why you’d even consider an au pair? They are even more in your space than a nanny. Hire a nanny tell your husband to cope because wolves can raise the children.
Anon says
Yeah I’ve never had an au pair but that was my reaction.
Seafinch says
The primary issue is your husband’s comfort with another person in the house. We have had ten Au Pairs in a decade and my husband grew up with a live in nanny and while our tolerance is high we still enjoy when there is no one else around. It’s been great BUT it can also be fraught. They are young and usually inexperienced, they haven’t been exposed to many kinds of households, they get homesick and can be messy or loud etc. It can be like having another kid so based on what you write I would get a nanny. Ours have frequently done kid related house work and driven our car. Most are very happy with a small suite (we currently have ours sharing a bathroom with the kids). Most are European and wouldn’t expect massive square footage and the expectation is not that they stay in their room when not working (though a lot of ours have), they are supposed to be integrated into the family like an exchange student.
Aunt Jamesina says
I think if your husband had a hard time with a nanny in his space, then an au pair would be even worse! I don’t think the guest house setup would help any, as the au pair would still be in your kitchen/living space during the day while doing home tasks and childcare, so I don’t think that would help your husband on the wanting privacy front. Plus having a guest house seems like a long-term solution for a short-term problem, unless you otherwise are interested in having a guest house.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This article hits the mark on how I feel when people say “enjoy every minute”:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/10/early-child-parenting-first-years-hardest/671790/
Time does blur the edges and I can completely understand how, with the benefit of time and experience of having older children, you can reminisce about the early days. But I find that it’s never really a helpful comment to those in the thick of baby/toddler life. Have comments like this from older parents ever helped any of you? Is there something better to say, to keep the early years in perspective?
Tired says
I’m still in the thick of it, but the next time someone tells me my kids will be teenagers soon I’m going to cry. I can’t figure out why older people think that’s helpful in any way shape or form!
Anonymous says
I’m right in the thick of it, so comments like “cherish every moment” make me ragey. I prefer things like “I see you mama”, “you’re doing a great job” (as one of my kids has an enormous public meltdown), or “how can I help?” Another one that makes me see red is “I don’t know how you do it.” I do it alone and without thanks…now please move you’re blocking the rainbow goldfish and I have exactly 15 minutes to finish grocery shopping before my kids turn into gremlins.
Lizard says
I always liked the phrase, “The days are long, but the years are short.” It doesn’t say to enjoy every minute, and acknowledges that the days can be long and hard, while still giving that zoomed out perspective. But I enjoyed reading this when I sought it out for myself and was in a philosophical mood; I don’t think unsolicited comments from anyone on someone’s attitude/approach to parenting are ever necessary and rarely appreciated.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I know the older parents are probably saying it more for themselves than for any actual advice (hopefully?!) but what is the appropriate response, beyond just a death stare? Just say, “uh huh, ok thanks” and not come to them for any further parenting dilemmas?
Liza says
Yea I’d just try not to take it personally or negatively. When people would say things like that to me, I’d just agree, “Oh my gosh, I know, it’s hard to imagine now but I’m sure in ten years I’ll be looking back on these times fondly!” Sort of self-deprecating.
Mary Moo Cow says
Same. The same person from whom I first heard that also said it is not the quantity of time but the quality that counts in the long run. She meant it, and I understood it, kindly: as a working mom to a working mom, I know you can’t make every school function so focus instead on that one really good bedtime story cuddle you had this week and let go of missing soccer practice.
Anonymous says
It gets better? Honestly I think just validating how hard those years can be is very helpful.
Anonymous says
But it doesn’t? The elementary and teen years are way harder to navigate vs 9-5 daycare M-F and complete control over their social schedules.
Anonymous says
This. Is. Not. Helpful! I haven’t slept in 30 days! I literally don’t see a way a teen could be harder than this and even if it is I can’t hear that right now! It makes me spiral. Please stop.
Anonymous says
It will get better! I don’t have a teen but I’m absolutely living the elementary school years so far. I hate comments like the one you’re replying to.
Anonymous says
Loving! Although I’m also living them haha
anon says
It does get better, I promise. Less physically draining, for sure.
Pogo says
Yes I get that one at work all the time. “Little people, little problems!” OK so instead of telling me I will enjoy life again someday you’re trying to scare me even more about how it only gets harder?
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yeah, I have coworkers with teens who say they wish they had a 3 year old again, their problems are so easy and fixed by a lollipop. I think they wish to have a 3 year old for like an hour to revel in their cuteness, but not to deal with toddler tantrums and irrationality day in and day out again.
And anon 12:15 – sleep deprivation is the worst. That will absolutely get better, and soon. And no, I don’t want to hear about how teens cause you to stay up all night with worry!
Anonymous says
Yeh no way is my elemtary schooler harder than the 6 months of having a baby and 2 year old. My baby has severe reflux and cried for every single car ride. He wouldn’t go in the stroller. He ate all the time because he spit up half of what he ate so my body was melting off any calories. I had extremely dark thoughts during those times (I’m 100% fine now). But that was the most grueling 6 months of my life that was followed up immediately by COVID starting.
Anonymous says
Counterpoint: I only have one child but she’s 6 now and in first grade and life has never been easier or more fun. I have a less demanding job than many here, but childcare in elementary school has not been that complicated, and kids this age are an absolute joy to be around. We had an easy baby but I really didn’t enjoy the toddler years and my overall happiness is so much higher right now than when I had a 3 year old.
Boston Legal Eagle says
6 is so so so much better than 1-3. Still challenging with school dynamics and some scheduling and his personality, but I would not go back to his toddler years. I also have another younger one, for whom I’m counting down the days to 5!
Anonymous says
My son is 10 and I have not found that to be true. There are always hard times, but the logistics of social schedules are no match for sleep deprivation and the hostage negotiation-like aspects of parenting a child under 5. I am sure it will likely get harder again but in the meantime, I will have had years to recover from the worst of early childhood, and I will have had a chance to get to know my son in a way that it is hard to do with an infant incapable of speech. And if the teen years are the worst thing ever, well, they will pass too. So it WILL get better.
Anon says
Meh. I always heard “early years are tough physically, later years are tough emotionally” and I feel like that’s closer to the truth. They’re different kinds of hard. I absolutely hated the baby and toddler years, and wouldn’t go back to that time for a million dollars. Tween/ teen is hard but manageable, and I will take friend drama and logistic nightmares 1000 times over sleep deprivation and constantly being touched and covered in fluids.
Anon says
Agree. My oldest is only 5 but am I already seeing the switch to needing to be there emotionally more than physically. But I like it. I think some people are better suited to one than the other and I definitely feel like I fall into the latter camp.
Liza says
Huh? Changing poopy diapers is easier than signing kids up for after school care? Agree to disagree!
Anonymous says
After care/after school
Activities for three different kids at three different schools that all let out at different times and have different PD days? Sure – so easy breezy!
Anon says
Do you not have ons!te aftercare? I live in the middle of nowhere but there is aftercare provided by the schools. You just have to check a box saying you want it and pay the $.
Anon says
At my old school signing up for our after care was like the in person version of getting Taylor Swift concert tickets. You had to do it in person one morning at like 9 am and I am not kidding when I say people would start lining up at 4 am with camping lounge chairs. You didn’t have friends with older kids to warn you? Sorry, SOL. It is not always as easy as signing up and handing over money. This was in a fairly major urban area. (I’m guessing part of the issue was there was likely a higher ratio of dual working parents than the suburbs).
So Anon says
This has not been my experience. I single parent a 9 and 12 yo. I had a partner (well, kind of) for the early years. And without question, the early years were harder. My oldest was a high needs baby, and I remember freezing in my tracks while pregnant with my second and wondering how I would survive if baby no. 2 was actually harder. My oldest didn’t sleep through the night until he was about 3 (and my youngest was 6 months old). The physical exhaustion of early parenthood is no joke, and it was absolutely relentless.
Now, I am firmly in the older elementary and middle school years. There can be tears over homework and stress to memorize Rudolph for the winter parade (tonight!). Friend drama is real in the 4th grade. My oldest is autistic and sometimes I take the brunt of his frustrations. But the fun of these years is amazing. I adore traveling with them. I am still parenting, for sure, but I am also living life with these kids. I go through the ups and downs of life with them, and they are actually really cool people. My kids and I have been through really hard things this fall, and there has been a subtle shift of not sheltering them from life but teaching them how to walk through the hard seasons. My oldest has the most awesome sense of humor, and I’m loving watching my youngest find her style (and maybe pushing Doc Martens a little hard on her). Some days are exhausting or I need to work late, but now I can explain and they can listen (or roll their eyes at me). In short, no way would I go back to those younger years.
anon says
I agree with you completely. Do I have some nostalgia about those early years? Yes. Would I want to go back? No, not really. I have an 8-year-old and a 13-year-old, and even with the early-teen drama, it’s still way more fun overall.
anonM says
Thank you moms of Older Kids for these comments. I’m really feeling sad about my kids getting bigger/leaving the baby stages (they turn 3 and 5 around the holidays, so the double-whammy birthdays+holidays is making me so sentimental!) But hearing how fun bigger kids are making me really excited instead of just focusing on how they’re not little toddlers anymore. Thanks guys!
Anon says
I don’t have teens yet but add me to the chorus of people who vastly prefer elementary school kids to preschoolers. I feel like anyone who thinks ages 2-4 was better than ages 5-8 has either blocked out ages 2-4 from their memory or had exceptionally easy-going toddlers.
avocado says
It depends a lot on the kid. Mine was definitely easiest and most fun from about 9 months through the beginning of K. From there it got more and more difficult until the middle of 10th grade and then began to improve. I would never presume to tell anyone else what the easiest age for their particular child will be.
Anonymous says
Such garbage. I miss my toddler because I love toddlers. (I’d rather hang out with a toddler than adults any day.) But I used to be so tired my bones ached. Now my kid can read a book on her own. Elementary is fine.
busybee says
I am still in the thick of it. Our daughter was colicky and cried pretty much continually for about six weeks. I think “everything is temporary” or “it won’t last forever” was probably most helpful for me to hear. It acknowledges that it was super NOT enjoyable to listen to constant screaming, but also a reminder that it’ll pass. With little kids everything is a phase, good or bad. I have loved most moments from 3-14 months but again, my experience is limited and she may become a demon toddler any week now. We also have pretty significant infertility issues and are facing the possibility that we may never get to experience the baby stage again, which is added reminder to us to enjoy the stage we are in.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I do like “everything is a season/phase, the good and the bad.”
Cora says
I like the phrase “this too shall pass” – applies to the good and the bad
Anon says
This makes me think of how my three year old accidentally spilled an entire bottle of milk in my lap last night in public during a rare mom-daughter restaurant date. The “enjoy every minute” comments drive me nuts.
TheElms says
I find “enjoy every minute” irritating because there are so many better things people can say. Not all of these are prefect but better things people have said to me include: it is hard to imagine now, but in a few years you’ll miss your little kids; hang on to the good parts, and the so bad they make you laugh parts; and little kids can be really hard, you’re doing great.
Ifiknew says
Yes it makes me beyond rage-y when people say things like just wait it only gets harder when I have two kids under the age of 4? Now they’re 3.5 and 5.5 and my 3.5 year old is still a handful. I am honestly so okay with a lot of work that is parenting and anticipate challenges later on at every stage but the inability to eat, use the bathroom, sleep and be surrounded by a lot of irrational screaming and whining and fighting at a decibel level loud enough to make my ears hurt is just.. Not easy. I honestly think people have amnesia of the young kid years. If you have a young baby or toddler or child or two that doesn’t sleep, I honestly think nothing is worse than that.
Anonymous says
Yes! I have 22 month old twins and one doesn’t sleep. When a mom of older kids says “it only gets harder” I mentally make a note not to talk to her anymore. Is that terrible? Probably, but I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. I’m not some Pollyanna either: I know motherhood is hard. I’m looking for moms who can acknowledge that while hoping for something better.
Anon says
That “it only gets harder” attitude is definitely really negative. People who say that also tend to say things like “you’ll never travel again” or “hobbies are a thing of the past” or “say goodbye to career advancement” and no number of counterexamples will convince them.
anon says
For some of those people, it’s definitely a “them” problem. At some point, you have to own your choices and parenthood can be a really convenient excuse for not furthering yourself as a person.
Pogo says
Our best couple friends have a daughter exactly a year older than our son. I remember them telling us when he was a newborn – “It gets easier, but it gets harder in a different way.” I think this is the most accurate way to describe it, if someone is ASKING YOU for an opinion but I would certainly never offer it to an acquaintance unprompted.
Anon says
As someone not yet pregnant (TTC), I already find the thought “enjoy every minute” grating, but especially when paired with “just you wait [until you have kids]/[until kiddo is older]/[until you have two]/[until you have a bad sleeper].” It’s like a weird combination of aspirational and pessimistic about everything.
Aunt Jamesina says
I had a coworker who told me “just you wait until you have teenagers!” and then proceeded to vent about how awful her two teens were immediately after I told her I was going through IVF. LADY. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOUR PROBLEMS. People are idiots.
Vicky Austin says
That’s particularly inconsiderate and obnoxious; I’m sorry.
Anon says
Oh god that’s awful. I’m sorry you experienced that.
octagon says
I’ve posted before about how my kid didn’t sleep more than 3 hours at a time until he was 3. At one point when he was 6 months old, and I had just gone back to work and was a total mess all around, a beloved family member pulled me into a hug and said “people will tell you to enjoy every minute. That’s total bull****. You enjoy the ones that matter and don’t worry about the ones you don’t, because they don’t last forever. You don’t have to love your kid at every age, you just have to take care of them enough to get them out of this stage and on to the next one.” I was absolutely NOT a baby person but my early elementary kiddo is so much fun. It helped immensely to have permission to not enjoy every moment – and to not feel guilty about it.
Anonymous says
A version of this is what I tell new parents when it seems relevant. Or some comment about the book title “All joy and no fun,” or “The days are long but the years are short.”
DLC says
“You enjoy the ones that matter and don’t worry about the ones you don’t”
I need to embroider this on something.
NLD in NYC says
+1 This
Pogo says
An old lady in church once was like, “I had 4. It gets better.”
DLC says
My oldest is 10 and I still feel in the thick of it… And these days people who have been here tell me, “Yeah, these years really sucked. Good luck.” It seems like one feels nostalgic for a pre-teen, except for maybe when they are like, “Oh yeah… that was when I could leave them at home by themselves and got a sense of personhood back.”
I feel like people say, “Enjoy every minute” not for the struggling parent for babies/toddlers, but for themselves… like seeing the little ones sends them back on the nostalgia trip mentioned in the article. (I know when I see babies, I get all rose-coloured glasses wistful for those 3am cuddly moments and newborn head smell.) Maybe strangers think they are saying it to be helpful, but really they are reminding themselves that they didn’t remember to savor the moment.
It’s hard to have perspective, though, when you are caring for little ones who very much live in the NOW.
How about not saying anything? Or maybe, “Here, let me put that shopping cart back for you.”
So Anon says
I had to travel on the train with my kids when they were just under 3 and maybe 3 months. On the way back from the trip, I was exhausted and physically sore from the logistics of pushing the 3yo in the stroller with the newborn in the carrier for three days. As I sat on the train, a Mennonite woman in her 60s (I’m guessing on the age) approached me, and I fully expected either criticism or an “enjoy every moment.” Instead, she came up to me and said, “I can see you a bit from where I’m sitting. Being a mom is hard. You are doing an amazing job with your children. I’m going to the dining car. Can I grab you a bottle of water?” And that is how I will forever approach moms with little kids: You are doing great. Can I do these discrete task that will be helpful?
Anonymous says
That is lovely.
Spirograph says
100% agree that people are no longer responding to you or your particular situation when they say things like “enjoy every minute.” They’re in a wistful reverie of their own. I know I hated when people said stuff like that to me when my kids were babies and toddlers, but I would *totally* say it myself, now, if I didn’t guard against it. It blows my mind that my oldest (also almost 10) is too tall to carry anymore and I miss when he would fall asleep on me in the rocking chair. My brain remembers that I was exhausted and frustrated a lot of the time, but my heart remembers the tiny little thing snuggled against my chest. Maybe just take comfort in knowing that the good parts are what stick with you in the long term and make you want to say dumb stuff like that?
Vicky Austin says
My dad said to me, “Enjoy whatever you can.” I like it.
Anon says
I tend to go with, every age is hard, every age is fun.
Except 3, which is just hard. 3 is the worst. But its bookmarked by the delightful ages of 2 and 4, so it’s fine.
Ifiknew says
Haha thank you.. Needed this today for a 3.5 yr old boy mom.
Anon says
3 is the ACTUAL WORST and the closest I’ve come to regretting becoming a mom. I wasn’t a huge fan of the back half of 2 either. 4 has been a delight so far.
If someone says they like 3 year olds I instantly distrust them. I knew my daughter’s BFF’s mom and I were never going to become good friends because within five minutes of meeting her she said 3 was her favorite age.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My sweet younger one turned into a demon (I say with love) at 3/3.5. It is the actual worst. Just turned 4 is still whiny, so I think we have some time to go, but I do not understand anyone who says 3 is their favorite age. Like, yes, there are great moments, but the favorite? Of all the other ages?
AwayEmily says
I feel like 3 was lovely for both my kids but 4 has been a JOURNEY for my middle one. But that is a matter for another post (working title: “how do I stop being SO ANNOYED BY MY CHILD CONSTANTLY HELP”).
Anon says
Someone told me either 3 or 4 is awful, but not both? For us it was definitely 3, but I do know people who found 4 a lot more challenging.
Anonymous says
Three is fantastic if you had a two year old who couldn’t talk. Twos are either enraged they can’t communicate or reveling in being able to. If they’re really happy about talking they may not have noticed that they can also have an opinion. If you have a three year old who has just figured out how to have an opinion they are very difficult.
But really, most problems with toddlers are that we live life by a clock and that’s utterly incomprehensible to them. We don’t let them move enough (car seats, school, television) and that parents typically try to treat older toddlers and preschoolers like 18 month olds, who are the most kind and helpful humans on the planet.
Anon says
My 2 year old was probably above average in verbal skills and had plenty of opinions but in a cute toddler way. 3 was still a hellscape with multiple intense meltdowns every single day for months. She had perfectly good verbal skills when she was calm but it was like the second she got the slightest bit upset or frustrated about anything she lost all ability to communicate except by screaming, crying, kicking and throwing. My husband once said to me “she’s either screaming or she’s asleep” and he wasn’t wrong. But it was like a switch flipped on her fourth birthday. It got so much better almost overnight.
I feel like I still have low grade PTSD from age 3. I can barely look at photos from that year without getting a headache.
Anon says
And my kid had plenty of movement and a very flexible life (essentially no scheduled activities outside of 35 hours/week of daycare). It wasn’t anything we were doing or not doing. She just had emotions that she couldn’t handle. I know it’s developmentally normal but it was still hell.