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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Toddler carrier? says
Any thoughts on toddler carriers? We’re serious baby wearers (4 carriers, all used) and rarely if ever use a stroller. Now that we primarily are doing back carries and kiddo (18 months) is happy walking, we’ve been limping along with an Ergo, but I don’t love it-it doesn’t fit me well, I really hate it for front carries, and kiddo is getting a little big for it height-wise. We’re taking a long trip cross country this summer and I’m thinking it’s time to bite the bullet and invest in a toddler carrier. I’m looking at the Kinderpack because I like the perfect fit straps and that you can cross them in a front carry. I loved my Beco when kiddo was younger. If it were up to DH, we’d keep using the Ergo, but it seems like with airports and long flights and extended traveling, a more comfortable carrier for everyone would make life better.
TL;DR: I’m looking to justify buying yet another carrier now that kiddo’s bigger and any thoughts on the Kinderpack, particularly on sizing?
msj says
I get a ton of use from my framed backpacks for my toddlers. They’re big, but comfortable. You should try several and see what you like
RR says
We have an Osprey Poco AG that is fantastic. It’s comfortable to carry and comfortable for the kid.
Anon in NYC says
We have the Beco toddler carrier and I think it’s super comfortable. I’ve never tried the Kinderpack.
EB0220 says
Kinderpack is wonderful and I highly recommend it. I would suggest the standard size for an average-sized 18 month old. I can carry my 2.5 year old AND 5 year old comfortably in our toddler-sized KP. I keep thinking about getting a preschool, but it’s nice to have just one carrier that I can use with both kids. The leg support isn’t as important as the kiddos get older. Trust me, once you use a KP you will never want to go back. My 5 year old is 45 lb and I carried her all over a festival this past weekend with no trouble. It was nice to have cuddles, too. The big frame backpack carrier is WAY too heavy for me. Even with a 2 year old, I really couldn’t handle it on my own. It’s also huge, so it’s not that useful at the airport vs an SSC which packs up small. The KP also has an elastic loop on it to keep it rolled up nicely. I know I sound crazy, but the Kinderpack is totally worth it! And they’ve increased production, so Kinderpacks are now relatively easy to get at retail price.
EB0220 says
PS. The koolnit (mesh) middle panel makes the KP so much cooler. My 2.5 year old runs very hot and it keeps us both happy.
Toddler carrier? says
Awesome-that’s exactly what I needed to hear! I’m going to order one. I know we’ll get a ton of use out of it and I think it will fit my frame so much better than the Ergo. Definitely getting the mesh panel one-kiddo is a furnace! Another reason the Ergo in summer isn’t a great option for us…
AnonMN says
How much does your 18 month old weigh? I ask because we still used the Ergo for my first until he was about 40lbs, and I would say it was comfortable until 35 lbs (we have an original Ergo though, so it may be different than the newer ones). The key for me was to put it up higher than my natural waist for a back carry (rather than at the hips, which hurt my back/shoulders).
We recently purchased a Toddler Tula for him (now 42lbs) and it is much more comfortable. We just did an airport trip with my husband wearing him and me wearing our 20lb 15mo in our Ergo. It was AWESOME as compared to our trips with stoller. So much easier!
Toddler carrier? says
Kiddo’s a chunk (an adorable squishy chunk!), but it’s not weight that’s the issue. The Ergo just doesn’t fit my short-waisted frame well. And for kiddo it’s not coming up high enough on the back for naps to be a real possibility. Oh, and I find Ergo for front carry unbearable and always have, despite loving other carriers, and I’d like to occasionally have the option for front carry (like getting kiddo and backpack through security at the airport…)! We’re just at the point where a toddler SSC is making more sense.
help says
This is going to be long; apologies in advance.
I am very stressed out about a situation with my 5th grade stepdaughter and my mom. The background is my parents live about 4 hours from us. We had a baby – first grandchild – last year and were planning to enroll him in daycare. My mom wanted to watch him part time, which is good and bad (my mom and I have a pretty good relationship, but she can…really insert herself in our lives. Boundaries.). We couldn’t have a fifth human in our 1.5 bath, 2BR house, so we rented an apartment for her a block away. She comes out every week and watches him T-F afternoon.
My SD is finishing 5th grade. She has known my mom since kindergarten. She is with us half time and her mom half time, but comes home to our house every day at 3:30 because she goes to school in our district. My mom has been teaching her piano lessons, which SD loves, and helping her with snacks, homework, etc. Like most 11 yos (I think), SD is testing boundaries and there is a lot of drama. She loves her little brother, but I’m sure there is some jealousy there too. She has been really mean to my mom (Mom’s words) and talking back, bucking authority, etc. She does this with us too, and we deal with it accordingly, but it’s different with another adult. She calls my mom the same name our son will (variation on gma) and definitely considers her a grandparent. SD doesn’t do this kind of behavior with my husband’s parents (she has no relationship with her mom’s parents, they are terrible people, and her mom has cut them out of her life).
My mom is very upset and taking everything very personally. She can be rather dramatic and she is ascribing motives to SD that are definitely not there – she’s an 11 yo girl. I am definitely sympathetic to my mom but she is also making it difficult by throwing in weird issues she has with my husband (a whole other story) and also by dramatically saying things to me and then saying I shouldn’t talk to husband and SD’s mom about it. (Of course, I’m going to.)
This summer, Mom was going to have SD home all day two days a week. Now she says she does not want to – I’m fine with that, I don’t blame her. But she also said SD asked her why she couldn’t stay with Mom every day this summer. SD truly loves my mom and I honestly think that is why she is testing boundaries – because she almost sees her as another parent. But I am struggling with how to address this with SD. We have talked to her and said she needs to treat M with respect. If we catch anything in the moment, she must apologize.
It is tough because we aren’t there and sometimes, like this morning, we have no idea anything happened until the next morning my mom tells me and says she is leaving at 3:00 today instead of 3:30 because she doesn’t want to see SD today. I feel very stressed and caught in the middle and I don’t know how to work with my SD on this. She is a good kid but she does storm around all the time and get angry a lot right now and refuse to eat and try to disobey and all the other middle school stuff. I feel at a loss because I really try hard to encourage my parents to treat SD as a part of our family and not any differently than my son.
I am trying to talk to my therapist about this but we only meet every other week and I feel like I need tools now. I am also wondering if therapy would be helpful for SD but I have no idea how that would even work. I feel so stressed out about this and also a little angry with my SD for not treating my mom, who is there for her every day and does so much for her, as well as she does her own grandparents. And I feel angry with my mom for making this situation extra high drama and putting me in the middle and blaming my husband for ridiculous things like not saying good morning enough in the morning. UGH. I feel at the end of my rope.
help says
ETA that my mom will only be watching son through the end of August, so we just need to get through a few more months. But I’m also worried this will affect her relationship with SD ongoing after that.
anon says
Ooof, that’s tough. I have younger kids, but this sounds (partly) like your SD is being an 11-year-old. I remember how crappy I was at that age to my mom. Because I was upset/anxious about stuff going on with my peers, I lashed out at the people who loved and cared for me the most. I wonder if some of that is happening with your SD.
That said, I agree that your SD needs to treat your mom with more respect. What is your DH doing to help the situation? Yeah, it’s your mom and you sound like a wonderful, involved stepparent — but DH might have to run more interference. And I would be very, very clear with your SD that she can’t spend time alone at your mom’s house until you can trust her to be respectful and follow your mom’s rules.
For a short term solution, what about sending your SD to a day camp so your mom isn’t with her all day long?
anon says
I also think you need to remind your mom what you’re doing to make the situation better AND that she needs to keep a cool head when your SD starts acting out. Because nothing makes a drama-filled situation worse than an adult who adds fuel to the fire.
Anon in NYC says
Yes. Your SD sounds like an 11 year old kid, honestly. I get why you’re upset that she’s pushing boundaries with your mom, but it’s not clear that she’s doing anything different from what she does with you and your husband. I agree that it sounds like she view your mom as another parent (which is great!), and so I think this falls into the category of completely normal behavior. I think I was a horrible pre-teen. But, your mom is the adult here! She needs to keep her relationship with your SD separate from whatever issues she has with your husband. I think you need to have an uncomfortable conversation with your mom about that.
But, respecting that your mom might not want to keep SD for two full days, perhaps a compromise would be to find some sort of part-time day camp. Your mom might still have to watch SD for a few hours on those days but it wouldn’t be as much time. And I think that you can and should remind SD that she needs to be respectful of grandma and grandma’s rules.
btw, you sound like an awesome parent. Go you!
Annie says
It sounds like there won’t be a big solution here, maybe just little things you can do bit by bit to diffuse the situation. Can you treat your mom and SD to a fun activity that they’d enjoy together to reconnect (mani/pedi?)? Can you arrange a playdate for SD one or two afternoons to get her out of the house? Can you bring your husband into it by trying to brainstorm other little solutions in a moment when you are both calm and there is no immediate crisis? Can you ask your mom to ask other grandparent friends of hers for advice on things she can do to try to diffuse tough moments? Sorry you’re all going through this.
ElisaR says
Wow that’s tough. It sounds like you’re being very rational and respectful of all the players involved and because you care so much I think you will handle it the best way possible. I do think talking to SD about respecting your mom is going to be the way to go. A therapist for SD might help, but really it sounds like a totally normal reaction on everybody’s part (your mom’s and the SD). A rational explanation that your mom loves her but has her feelings hurt when she isn’t treated with respect might help. And actually you might need to talk to your mom about respecting the SD’s situation too (although it sounds like you’ve probably done this). If you mom is to have SD all day this summer, can you arrange for some activities on those day to relieve your mom? Maybe go to a local park that has activities for kids or a local pool with swim lessons or something? Hang in there — I think it really sounds like you’re handling this well and I wish you luck!
CHJ says
+1 I think you’re handling this really well.
Also, my mom is just not as good with older kids as she is with babies/toddlers. She’s a fantastic caregiver when kids need a lot of physical caretaking (diapers, food, etc.) but she gets her feelings hurt very easily by her older, sassy grandkids and doesn’t really know how to take care of them or what to do with them for the day. My sister is the one with the older kids, but what she does is to set them up with a structured plan, like “the boys walk to grandma’s house, she will feed them a snack, and then everyone is going to go to the community pool for an hour. After that, it’s time for homework. If you finish your homework, you can play Minecraft until your judo class. Then grandma will drive you home after judo for dinner.” Having a structure helps because my mom knows what to do with them, and the boys don’t have time to create mischief by fighting with grandma or arguing over what activities come next. All that said, it’s a lot of work for my sister.
help says
Thank you, this is really helpful! I think the structure element could be really helpful and I will talk to my husband about ways we can help with this.
RR says
My oldest daughter is 9, and we have the same issues with occasional attitude issues. It’s the age. If everyone took everything my daughter said to heart, no one in the family would want to talk to her anymore. But she’s 9. It’s not about me, and it’s not about your mom. She’s a kid, going through a tough age. She needs unconditional love. I honestly think your mom is really, really in the wrong here. Of course, SD should be expected to be respectful, but the answer when she’s not is not for an adult in her life to pout. I’d try to find some really cool camps for your SD for the weeks at issue . It sounds like you are handling this as well as anyone could.
Aunt Jamesina says
I think you really need a new caretaker for both of your children. It sounds like a lot of underlying issues are coming to a head because of your mother’s presence. Find a new childcare setup, and address these issues without having to tiptoe around because your mother is watching your kids. I don’t think this will get any easier as SD enters the middle and high school years, especially with the tricker dynamic of being a stepparent.
While your mother may be rightfully frustrated with SD, SD is still a child. Your mother trying to rope you into talking negatively about your own husband behind is back (!) is unacceptable.
Aunt Jamesina says
Just saw your edit that mom is only watching your son through August. In that case, I totally agree that SD needs to go to camp or somewhere she and your mom can get some space. I’m not convinced that therapy for SD is the answer here– in her shoes, it might feel like you all think she was the one in the wrong who needs to change her behavior, but your mother is also behaving very inappropriately and is an adult!
JTX says
The baby is not your mother’s first grandchild. When you married a man who had a daughter, that daughter became your mother’s first grandchild.
I feel really bad for your SD. She loves your mom and thinks of her as a grandparent. Your mother moved to be near you to spend time with the baby, but can’t bring herself to spend time with your SD? This situation is surely making your SD feel terrible and unwanted.
You need to start prioritizing your SD over your mother. If she is going to play favorites, she should not be permitted to watch either child.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yeah, that line jumped out at me, too.
Anon says
Me three. That’s tough on a kid if that’s the way it’s being verbalized, even unconsciously. I feel for SD.
help says
I’m really sorry if it came off that way. I absolutely consider SD to be my parents’ grandchild and meant to say Son is first grandbaby. SD has been involved in our family from the very beginning and has celebrated all holidays with my family, her dad’s family, and her mom’s family. My parents and sibling get her presents for every birthday/holiday and she gets them for them too. SD loves my extended family and we call them her cousins. I have tried very, very hard since meeting my husband to ensure that SD feels like a member of our family every day. It is the highest priority for me.
JTX says
Not to pile on, but I’m willing to bet that’s the way it comes off to SD, too. I would drop the “first whatever” label for the baby. There is no need to make a distinction between the baby and SD. They are both your mother’s grandchildren.
I’m glad it is a high priority for you to make sure SD feels like a member of your family, but your mother is doing exactly the opposite.
This may be way off base, but is your mother a narcissist? Narcissists love kids until they get old enough to form an opinion of their own. Also, you sound like you prioritize pleasing your mom over what is best for you and your family, which is typical of the child of a narcissist. She is being manipulative and dramatic to get her way, and you shouldn’t permit that kind of behavior, especially in front of your kids.
another stepmom says
I have to disagree here with everyone piling on. If the love is there, I don’t think acknowledging that she is a step-granddaughter is a bad thing. Particularly if both bioparents are still involved, step relationships are fundamentally different. Not fundamentally worse or lesser, but they are different and it’s okay to talk about that in an age-appropriate manner. (So, yeah, I’ve agreed with my stepdaughter that it’s hard to go between two homes, but I’ve also pointed out that she has more pets than she’d get in one house). I feel like this is kind of like people who say they “don’t see race.” There is a difference between striving to be free of prejudice and refusing to acknowledge that diversity exists. The latter suggests that something is wrong with diversity.
Really, though, this conflict between your mom and stepdaughter doesn’t sound like a step issue to me. It sounds like your mom is unable to remember, or at this age unable to handle, dealing with routine tween behavior. If she’s mature enough, that may be a conversation to have with your stepdaughter — maybe at some point you can discuss having big emotions with her, and at another time you can talk about your mom’s trouble dealing with other people’s big emotions. Sometimes, if there’s a big enough conflict between parents and grandparents, I think you have to acknowledge that.
JTX says
I agree the dynamics in a step-family can be difficult, but how else is SD supposed to interpret this? Grandma is happy to watch the baby (who happens to be related by blood), but refuses to watch her and even avoids her (the step-granddaughter). The tricky dynamics in a merged family mean they should be even more careful than normal to avoid the appearance of disparate treatment.
Anon Stepmom says
+1
quail says
As the child of divorced parents who moved houses every week or two weeks, there is no amount of extra Christmases, birthdays, or pets that could have made up for the constant disruption of my sister’s and my lives. There are ways to acknowledge the differences between step-children and biological children and ways to see a silver lining in a bad situation without this sort of false equivalency.
I agree with the commenter below – this situation calls for extra special attention to be paid to avoid the appearance of disparate treatment. I do think this is more about the age of the stepdaughter than the fact that she’s a step, but at 11, that will become something to fight about unless it’s actively shut down with extra attention (having only been an 11 year old with stepparents, not as someone who has parented an 11 year old!) OP, I think you are handling it really well and it’s no doubt a really tough situation for everyone.
help says
Thanks, another stepmom. You’ve articulated well what has been a reality in our home. I’m very clearly not her mom – she has a mom – a step-parent (and step family) has a unique and different role. It’s just different.
My therapist pointed out that what my mom says and does are very different – I think she sometimes says things for shock value to me. She is very loving towards SD and does a lot of special things with her. Not saying SD can’t pick up on anything or that it’s perfect, but I think my mom feels undervalued and then wants to make me feel bad about it. It’s a dynamic I’ve seen before in other family things. It’s just tough and I’m trying to do the best I can with positioning our family as Our Family, not two distinct halves or anything like that. SD giving Mom a tough time is a reflection of how much SD feels like Mom is her grandma, in my opinion.
Anyway, I’m probably arguing into the void for no reason, but there’s so much that I obviously can’t translate onto the screen. I really appreciate everyone’s feedback and encouragement to push back on my mom about this as well as encourage SD to handle her really big emotions – and helping her understand it’s really normal to have big emotions right now.
Being a step parent is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m really lucky that we have a good relationship with SD’s mom and that everyone is really on the same page. To everyone else in a similar position, solidarity.
avocado says
All the responses above are so great that I have nothing to add but to echo them. I agree with the other posters that this sounds like totally normal tween issues, right down to the part about refusing to eat, that you are handling it very well, and that grandma needs to chill and remember that this is just life with a tween. I think you are right on in concluding that SD’s behavior towards your mother is a sign of how comfortable she feels with grandma. My 10-year-old niece is this way with my mother, who is basically a third parent to her, for the same reason. I agree with the recommendations above that camp, not therapy, is the solution here.
And yes, SD is absolutely your mother’s granddaughter. My husband’s stepmother, who joined the family when he was an adult, calls our daughter her granddaughter and treats her the same as her bio kids’ children. This works both ways–because she is 100% grandma she has full rights to spoil our kid as much as she pleases, and to correct our kid’s behavior too.
POSITA says
I was a hormonal, angry mess at 11 and I took it out on my mom. As her first kid, she decided she’d raised me to be a spoiled horrible person and clamped down HARD on me. I just got angrier and it got worse and worse.
By the time my sisters turned 11, my mom had realized that sometimes 11 yos are just like that. It’s a phase and it passes. It’s not a character flaw in the 11 yo or a sign that you’re terrible parents. Instead of clamping down when my sisters had a typical 11 yo attitude, she handled things with humor and stress relief. It was so so so much better.
I think your mom needs to realize that she’s the adult. Your SD is 11 and hormonal. Your mom would do much better to have a bit of humor about everything. Perhaps you could set the lead by reaching to your mom’s drama by pointing out the ridiculousness of the situation. The focus needs to be on deescalating situations while still maintaining reasonable decorum. For instance, instead of pouncing when my sisters made a snide remark, she gave them a moment to cool down and a do over without punishment. My mom never lost control of the situation, but she was less picky about tone as long as eventually things went her way.
Things also got better for me when my mom gave me a bit more space and responsibility. I need to be able to make some decisions about my own life. It’s part of the transition from kid to teen. I needed safe spaces where I could have the ability to make my own choices. Sleep away camp actually ended up being a great thing for me. Perhaps that’s something you might consider?
avocado says
+1 for sleepaway camp. Best thing that ever happened to me as a kid, and it has been great for my daughter too in terms of building self-confidence and independence. If SD has not already been to sleepaway camp, now is the perfect age to start. My kid is just finishing fifth grade and is on her fifth summer of sleepaway camp, but many of her peers are going for the first time this year or went for the first time last year.
Lurker says
Space jumped out at me too. You have a 2 BR. Does SD have her own room or are you making her share with the baby?
OP says
She has her own room. Baby was with us now in the sunroom which is not great. We are shopping for a bigger home right now. We definitely didn’t want her to give up her room.
Spirograph says
I have all the feelings about this — it made me so happy that your mom has such a close relationship with your family and that your SD has adopted her as an extra grandparent, and then it made me so sad that your mom is pulling back from SD, who really sounds like she’s acting in a developmentally-appropriate way. I totally understand how frustrating it must be for your mom to have this girl acting kind of like a brat (as 11 year old girls do! I know I did. I was an awful tween/early teenager!) and not wanting to deal with it, but I think that’s exactly the time when SD needs extra love. I’m sure the last thing your mom wants to do is give SD the impression that her love is conditional on good behavior.
Can you make it clear to everyone involved that grandma is an authority figure when she’s the adult in charge and work out some disciplinary actions that you, your husband, and SD’s mom are all ok with grandma unilaterally enforcing if the situation calls for it? Maybe if your mom feels more empowered to deal with the behavior, she won’t want to pull back as much.
help says
I agree completely with you here. I, in fact, was a pretty awful 11 yo, and I have tried to gently remind my mom that she went through this with me. (Right down to spending all my time in my room, stomping off and slamming doors, and complaining that everyone hates me. SD could literally be reading a script from my 11 yo self.)
Thanks to everyone for your feedback. SD is very important to me and I agree my mom needs some assistance with handling this. Honestly Sept 1 could not come fast enough for me – it has been great to have Mom home with Son (and SD – they are getting special time and loving piano lessons together) but it has been a huge stress on our family at the same time. “Free childcare is never free,” a wise person told me when I went back to work. Looking forward to daycare and having our home to ourselves again.
SD is doing a week long science camp this summer, spending some time with husband’s parents (they have a pool!), taking a week long vacation with her mom, and hopefully taking a short vacation with us, so I hope that all that helps. We should look into another camp as well. I was also already talking to my husband about planning some outings like the wave pool and the zoo where Mom can take both kids.
SD is doing well in school but there is the typical “frenemy” drama that I remember oh so well from that age, so I feel for her so hard. I don’t want her to feel that the adults in her life are just as flighty as friends can be at this age.
I know a lot of people really jumped on me for my phrasing but honestly SD is really important to me and I have worked so hard to be the best parent I can for her since meeting her at four years old. I love her and she is a family member, and that is why this hurts so much to see my mom “not getting it”. But I also am very grateful to my mom for doing a lot for our family at the same time, and I don’t like to see her having her feelings hurt, even if she should be more mature. I hope it can be a good learning experience for SD and I hope that my mom can remember that this is just what life is with a middle schooler. It just is.
avocado says
I am not sure people were jumping on you for your phrasing, more on what seemed to be coming through as your mom’s attitude. The point about the phrasing is that your mom needs to be reminded that both you and SD see her as SD’s grandmother and SD as her granddaughter.
You seem to be approaching the realities of tweendom in a very rational and understanding manner. I wish I were always that understanding with my 10-year-old.
anon says
As an aside, I disagree that 11-year-olds don’t act with malicious motives. I think they have all the same negative emotions as adults and sometimes act out of meanness, spite, or jealousy. I also think, though, that parents have to recognize that they have limited ability to control their emotions or grasp consequences and help them develop those skills rather than punishing them. If anything, many kids that age feel worse when they act out of meanness because their empathy may be far more developed than their self-control. Absent something bigger and less routinely 11, I would avoid therapy because I’d worry it would make her feel like something’s wrong with her.
Anonymous says
You also might want to try and help your mom understand SD’s developmental stage. Books like Queen Bees and Wannabes or Reviving Ophelia may help her to understand how difficult this age can be.
Onlyworkingmomintulsa says
Any recs for books or methods to curtail tattle-telling? 4 year old has been really into it for a few months now and I sure would like her to focus on the bigger issues, not everything her brother is doing or her friends at daycare (teachers have mentioned it to me too).
PEN says
I know this isn’t super helpful, but I really struggle with how to respond to tattle-telling. Having worked with kids who are victims of various types of abuse, I HATE to discourage tattle-telling. But I also want to encourage my kids to work things out for themselves with peers and siblings. So, no advice, just ugh.
avocado says
We have tried to make a distinction between reporting danger or harm so an adult can fix it and telling tales for the sole purpose of getting another child in trouble.
TBK says
I was recently trying to explain the term “tattle-tale” to my au pair. This was the distinction I made — that tattling is just trying to get the other kid in trouble. (It came up because one of my twins has started tattling on the other. Oy.)
mascot says
Treat it as venting rather than a request to fix it? Oh, so brother took your toy? How did that make you feel? How do you think you can solve this? What are some other things that you can do if he doesn’t want to play with you? Etc. At 4, they’ve identified the problem but aren’t sure how to get to the resolution other than having an adult solve it. The next development of this phase is the bossy phase which we handle the same way along with some lessons in empathy.
To PEN’s point, by treating this a vent, we are still hearing what’s going on and then we can decide if it is talle-telling or something more serious where we need to intervene
AnonMN says
Siblings without Rilvary is pretty much the best book on sibling issues, which includes tattle taling. We tend to respond to all tattling (he took my X, she’s doing Y) with “that sounds like a problem” and then if appropriate, offer a solution that the child can carry out.
We still have younger kids though, so not a lot of experience, but Sibilings without Rilvary is seriously my favorite parenting book. It’s the only one that I have enjoyed, put it into practice, and seen some major results from. Highly recommend it.
EB0220 says
I’m a fan of “Siblings without Rivalry” as well.
Toddler Sandal Sizes says
How much foot growth spurt in a summer is realistic? Looking to buy sandals for my 21 month old. He’s in size 7 sneakers with >=1cm of room while wearing socks. Looking to get closed toed sandals in the same brand for this summer (so around end of September in our region). Stick with size 7? Go with size 7.5 in case of growth spurt?
AnonMN says
I would go with 7.5. I remember that being a big foot growth spurt age, but I think my answer would also depend on how recently he sized up to a 7.
Signed the mom who had to buy two pairs of keens in one summer at that age
Anon says
Definitely 7.5. at about 17 mo, we went through a whole shoe size in five weeks.
MallMeeting says
HELP!! I’m the single mom of a 14 year old daughter that is starting her freshman year of high school in the fall. She has her first real crush and asked if she could meet him at the mall on Saturday to grab a bite to eat and hang out. I’m inclined to say “ok” and then tag along… Too much? She introduced me to the little guy before at a local football game. He seems nice enough but is TWO years older than her. I’m so not ready for dates and this type of stuff!! Am I overthinking this? Ideally, the two of us would go to the mall on Saturday, he could join if he’d like. We’d all go from store to store, eat ice cream, pretzels/lunch and then come home and be done.
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent but I was raised by my maternal grandparents in a very strict household and wasn’t allowed to “like boys”. She knows her Dad and has contact with him, but he has not been in the picture consistently since we parted when she was two- so he isn’t of any help really. I got a divorce over 2 years ago and have not dated since- so there isn’t any male influence present really. :(
I don’t want to discourage her from sharing with me but neither do I want her to this that this initiates open season on “dating”. We are African American and live in a small town. I worry about the “fast” stigma being attached to her. She is very physically developed and considered “attractive” by standard ethnic standards (pale skin, long hair, slender, fine features).
Suggestions?
Blueberry says
Oh I am sooo far from this, but my 2 cents are not to be too strict on this. The mall sounds like a pretty innocent location. My parents’ approach (can’t say from my own experience, because my oldest is 10 years younger than your daughter!) was to require honesty and in return give me a bit of a leash. They also made sure I always knew that even if I got myself into a situation they were not happy about (which was pretty rare, in part because they did a good job — thanks, parents!), I could always count on their support (I’m thinking picking me up if I were in a scary situation with a guy or I drank too much). Looking back, I realize this must have been super scary for them of course. If I were you, I’d probably try to take the opportunity to talk to her about this brave new world she is entering and the importance of among other things, being honest with you, and, in return that you will always be there for her. I agree the 2 year age difference is a little scary (but not so unusual), so rather than hovering, I’d make sure to have a very frank talk about boys. I had some super embarrassing talks with my mom at that age, but I’m so glad she made the effort to have those talks with me. All that said, maybe you could suggest that they go to the mall with friends rather than you? I’m pretty sure I would have died from embarrassment if my mom tagged along on a pseudo date when I was that age, but I don’t think I really had any solo “dates” either at that age.
avocado says
A group outing with friends would be my suggestion as well.
MallMeeting says
Thanks for all of the suggestions! A group outing sounds like the best option. I think that I would breath easier that way. I don’t want to embarrass her by tagging along, but I don’t want to set a precedent for one on one outings with boys either.
She is a really good kid. Honor roll with distinction and a social butterfly at the same time. Doesn’t always keep her room clean but does her chores and the other things asked of her without complaints. We are constantly having “awkward” conversations because she was such an early bloomer physically. I want her to be aware but not self conscious.
Anon says
This is tough. I also have a much younger child so am approaching this by thinking of my own childhood. I don’t recall solo dates at that age, but definitely went to movies in mixed groups with kids who were “dating.” So I would suggest either group date or meeting him at mall, having a little chat with him, and then letting them go around by themselves, maybe run some errands, and then meet them back at a certain time. So a mix of freedom and control, if that makes sense.
Sorry, this is hard! So grateful for my toddler problems now.
Anon says
Also, just to add, it’s not clear from post of your daughter is generally a trustworthy, responsible kid, or if she is a big boundary tester, sneaky, etc. Assuming the former, I think a good approach might be, before this “date” to have a talk with her about why you were hesitant and why you decided to say ok, that you know her to be responsible, you appreciate her telling you about this and introducing him, and that you trust her. And then talk about how to handle it if he pressures her to do something she doesn’t want to do. As for things she does want to do…God, I don’t know. My parents were never good at that stuff so I don’t have good examples for that conversation.
Spirograph says
I think “too much,” but based on your last paragraph I feel like there might be some cultural issues I – as a white woman in a big city – am not sensitive to. If you feel that one-on-one time with a guy would make people talk, maybe suggest that she invite some of her other friends to come to the mall, too.
As for your role, I’d say that if you want to stay in the mall, that’s OK, but don’t tag along with them unless your daughter invites you. She’ll be mortified, and next time she ‘ll figure out some other way to get to the date so she doesn’t have to worry about you inviting yourself as a third wheel. ( I used to have my mom drive me to my friend’s house, then friend and I would walk to the swimming lake where we’d pre-arranged to meet some boys. It was harmless, but I didn’t think my mom would approve so I never told her.) Like Blueberry said, make sure she knows she can call/text you any time and you’ll come get her, otherwise, establish a time that you’ll meet to take her back home and make yourself scarce until then. Showing that you trust her to make good decisions without hovering will probably go a long way toward keeping communication open.
ElisaR says
i’m not looking forward to these challenges (i have 14 month old)! It sounds to me like it would be awkward for her and the boy to walk around “with” you. Would a solution be for you to be at the mall too and say “meet me back at Macy’s in 2 hours?” I understand your concern but if my mother tagged along on my first date I would have felt even more awkward/freaked out than I did already…. if its any consolation at 14 I was wayyyyyy less mature than my mother thought I was.
October says
I like this approach. I am also far from having kids that age (but not so far from being that age, I guess), and I would also discourage the tagging along — but I like the idea of putting a short time limit on the date (1.5-2 hours). Also, does the mall have a “reputation”? I know all malls are kind of pegged as places for packs of teens to get into mischief, but if it’s a generally “safe” place, then it sounds like a good place to give her some freedom. Maybe also give her the option of treating them to ice cream after the date (with you present), if she would in fact appreciate your being there (and give you a little more time to get to know the boy, assess how they act together, etc.)
Momata says
I am also a long way off from this. But I think a group date, combined with a ground-up conversation about dating goals/responsibility/why you are worried/why you trust her / what the consequences (real and parentally enforced) are if she causes reason not to trust her naymore, is a much better solution than you tagging along. Also I think I would require my kids to have the “find my friend” location tracker turned on on their phones for me – that way you can see if she left the mall.
avocado says
More thoughts: Looking towards the future, it will be very important for you to “scaffold” your daughter’s introduction to dating, letting it happen first in a very low-risk environment such as group dates and then gradually giving her more independence and freedom as she matures and shows that she can handle the responsibility. I was not allowed to date at all during high school, and when I got to college I felt like I was thrown straight into the deep end. It was unnecessarily awkward and confusing.
You will also need to have an ongoing dialogue with your daughter about values and priorities, both yours and the ones she is developing for herself. I found the book “Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood” to be very useful in this regard.
CPA Lady says
Really agree with gradually giving more freedom rather than freaking out and saying “no” to everything.
One of my sorority sisters (who was super sheltered) got to college and had her first kiss and gave her first BJ on the same night. Talk about being thrown into the deep end. It was rough.
MallMeeting says
October- I’m glad to hear this too. Assessing how they interact with each other was really my reasoning for wanting to “hover” in the first place. Ice cream is a good idea because I do want to interact with him with seeming threatening (ok- maybe a little threatening) or awkward.
In general I try not to be overbearing with my daughter but social skills and manners are areas that we’ve focused on over the years and I’d like to see how well he carries himself at 16.
In regards to the location- there is only the one local mall and it is a “safe” place for them to hangout.
MallMeeting says
CPA Lady- a part of me just died for your college soror :/
That is the pretty much the reason that I’m asking. I wasn’t sure if this mall meeting and my reaction was too much too fast or more in line with “normal”, whatever that is. I want to give her gradual wings and make dating and socializing with boys a normal part of growing up. We will definitely continue with our conversations about responsibility, honesty and full disclosure. The last thing that I want is for her to start sneaking around or lying. I’m always stressing to her that I’m on her team no matter what, but the ONLY way that I can help her is if I know ALL of the facts. We communicate really well. I just don’t want that to change now that she is entering high school.
You toddler moms have no idea how quickly I would trade places!
Lillers says
I agree with the comments about staying at the mall. I absolutely would share your concerns about him being 2 years older since he already is in high school and has been exposed to everything that entails. You can meet the boy and let them go on their “date” while you browse/shop around separately. I would also have a discussion with your daughter about dating in general (whatever you feel is appropriate based on her age/maturity level).
In high school, she likely will go on group dates with her peers. When I was a freshman (a long time ago, things may have changed), I remember group dates being the norm and 1:1 dates happening once everyone started to get their drivers licenses. However, it would have highly embarrassed me if my mom insisted on coming and I probably would have canceled my plans to avoid that.
SC says
I remember going on a date at the mall around this age. I’m pretty sure my mom drove me to the mall, let me walk around with the guy while she sat in the food court, and then agreed that I’d meet her at some predetermined time. It was a good mix of freedom and chaperoning. (And, with cell phones and texting, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave the food court and shop around yourself, but don’t follow them or hover.)
Postpartum swimsuits? says
Anyone have recommendations for bathing suits to wear postpartum/while nursing? I don’t necessarily need it to be like a nursing bra, but I’m having a really tough time finding something that might be appropriate with my 32G chest these days. Thanks so much in advance!
swim says
I liked J Crew’s ruched suits for post partum, but I was also constrained by having a long torso and there are so few options out there – and having twins has forever more ruled out two pieces for me. It is lowcut, so made it easy to pull aside and nurse, but might not be enough support if you need a lot
Mom Edit also used to have a good postpartum round-up but it looks like the last update was 2015
Anon says
The mom edit has great swimsuit guidance. I would probably do a supportive bikini with a rash guard over top, particularly if you can find a full zip rash guard.
FTMinFL says
I used and loved Panache suits postpartum and while nursing. The bandeau tops come with straps (yay for more support!) that can unhook in the front, then I would just fold the cup down for nursing access.
Anon says
Not postpartum, but I was a 36H pre-pregnancy (28 weeks and now 38J – I really hope they stop growing soon). I really liked Coco Reef (I found I could still fit into their DD sizes sometimes) at Macys/Dillards and I think I went with a couple of Freya suits sometimes. Lands End now goes to DDD (you might be OK trying that). Halters will be your best friend. Also have a Ralph Lauren polka dot one piece halter that works. You might also try a swimwear store like water water everywhere – my sister is a 32GG and has good luck there.
Postpartum swimsuits? says
Thanks, ladies. I also have a long torso, which makes the one pieces extra tricky!
Momata says
Tankini with halter top that can be easily pulled aside. Shirrendipity from Athleta does it for me.
Blueberry says
I think I tried a Lands End one. I was self conscious about the post baby pooch so got something “slimming” or whatever it is called. I ended up hating the heavy fabric and compression and getting rid of it after one wear. So no real advice on what to buy, but just a word of warning. I don’t know why I ever think I will be able to tolerate Spanx and the like given how many times I have tried and failed…
anon says
I on the other hand like my Lands end compression bottom. To each her own!
Blueberry says
:) What I meant to say was, if you could never stand compression stuff before having a baby, chances are you will not like it after having a baby. It took me a few wasteful purchases to learn this lesson.
anon says
That makes perfect sense. And to be really honest I confess I don’t like the weird line it makes on my behind, but the stomach smush is worth it to me.
anon says
I just get bra sized swimsuits – look on a lingerie website (Herroom.com, Barenecesseties.com, Figleaves, etc.) for suits from Panache, Fantasie, Freya, etc. They are a million times better than normal suits if you are large busted. I’m a 34G not pregnant or nursing.
anon says
PS – when I was nursing I just used a normal 1 piece with a nursing cover.
Anon says
Does anyone have a maxi dress with pockets that you like? I love the idea of a maxi for the summer but with a baby I can’t function w/o pockets! Thanks.
CPA Lady says
I got a cute one from Soma last year. I don’t know what they have this year, but it may be worth a shot to check.
Swingset says
A fun Friday afternoon question…my husband and I just bought a house with a big backyard and my parents want to buy us a swingset/playset for our daughter (who is six months old–they know that this something she’ll grow into). They’re prepared for this to be a decent chunk of change for the swingset + install and want to buy a high-quality one.
For those who have them, what brand do you have and would you recommend it? Are there features that your kids love and ones that you thought they’d love but they’re not so into?
shortperson says
our yard is too small for this but my daughter would love a playhouse. some swingsets have integrated little playhouses, i would consider that or a separate one.
we just redid our yard with kids in mind. no space for a swingset, but toddlers love the sand pit, raised beds and even the herb garden. they love to pick herbs and help cook with what they picked. outdoor musical instruments are also a big hit. if your parents are into spending money on your yard, you could get a whale drum (http://www.tidewater.net/~xylojim/whales.html) — we have one and it’s awesome — or even an outdoor xylophone, which we did not want to spend the $$ on.
Anonymous says
Check out cedar works they have awesome stuff
Blueberry says
Yep, that stuff is very high quality. We moved into a house with a Cedar Works playset already installed that had been there for at least 5 years, and it is in great shape.
FWIW, although the playset is awesome and definitely gets used, my kids spend more of their time playing ball in the yard or puttering in the little vegetable garden. The little tykes soccer goal and basketball hoop have been big hits.
anon says
I was feeling all smug because a friend of mine gave me a heads up that registration for the afterschool program at my son’s kindergarden for fall opened up today. (She got an email from the PTA but I did not, even though I have signed up for their stupid mailing list at least twice). Anyway, registration opened at noon, and I emailed a couple other parents I know to let them know. I just tried to register my son at 2 pm and only one day of the week is not full. I had been warned it filled up quickly, but I did not realize that meant within 2 hours. Ugh, I’m so annoyed! I hate this crap.
SC says
Any suggestions for a “sprinkle” gift for a mom having a girl? The mom has a 4-year-old boy, so they have a lot of practical stuff. Her friends are throwing a tea/sprinkle. I feel pressure to buy clothes (but I think they’ll have a ton) or sentimental because she’ll be opening presents there, and everyone’s really excited about a girl. They haven’t announced a name, so I can’t buy something with a name or initials.
AwayEmily says
Some solid-colored girl “basics” would be nice (ie slogan-free pants, hoodies, etc). We have a girl but 90% of our hand-me-downs are boy clothes. Which is awesome, but sometimes it’s nice to pair some purple pants with the dinosaur t-shirts. I suspect they’ll get a lot of dresses as gifts but probably fewer basics (and I always find it hard to justify buying those myself since I already have a million pairs of pants — just not adorable pastel ones!).
Anon in NYC says
I agree that baby basics in cute colors or prints would be nice, as well as a sun hat (assuming she’s having a summer baby). I loved those warm Zutano booties, and I’m sure you could find them in pink or purple.
SC says
Yes, the baby is coming in July in a very hot climate.
Ugh says
Reposted from yesterday, though, I keep getting on this site too late to get my question on before commenters go home! Here goes again anyway: I pay our nanny on the books, reasoning that even though she gets less cash in hand, she will get social security benefits when she is older. She asked me for some additional benefits today, in part because her post-tax wages feel low to her (I totally get this). I looked into social security benefits today and discovered that you need to have made a certain amount in “covered income” each year for 10 years to get the minimum number of credits required to even be eligible for social security. I think that means income that she’s declared and paid taxes on (so even if she were paid off the books, in cash, as long as she declared it on her tax return, it’s considered “covered income”). Can anyone confirm? Or is “covered income” only income that employers have also paid taxes on?
I ask because if her employers also had to pay on the books for her income to be “covered,” then she would have to have at least 10 years of on-the-books employment in order to have a chance at social security benefits. And if she hasn’t had employers who were willing to so that, that would make my argument of delayed benefits for her pretty empty.
EE says
Not really answering your question, but how old is she? If we’re talking about a young woman, I would not even try to predict what social security will look like when the time comes.
Ugh says
She is in her late 40s.