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anon says
I posted last week over at the main board. I’ve recently been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer, will be getting a lumpectomy, followed by 4 weeks of radiation. I’m not sure how each will effect me–I’ve heard anywhere from a few days to up to 2 weeks for the surgery. I’ve heard radiation can be no big deal or it can cause extreme fatigue. I have a 4 yo and 8 yo. What should I say to them about this? We don’t want to tell them I have cancer because it sounds too scary and they won’t understand anyway. So far I’ve come up with, there’s some extra tissue growing on my chest and the doctor says I need to have it removed. Or something like that. But no idea what to say about radiation, which won’t begin for a few weeks after the surgery. Any ideas? TIA!
Anon says
I’ll let others with experience chime in; sending you a big hug from this corner of the internet. Wishing you easy days.
Anon says
first of all hugs. secondly i am not a psychologist or anything, but everything i’ve read says to be honest with kids in an age appropriate way, which would mean using the word cancer. if you really dont want to, you could say that there is extra tissue and the doctor says you need to have it removed and then the radiation is like a medicine to help it not grow back. you just dont want your kids to overhear you or someone else talking and using the word cancer and then them feeling like you weren’t honest with them.
Anon says
I’m sorry your going through this and hope your treatment goes smoothly. I would tell them the truth in an age-appropriate way and then give them the support they need, if any, to process it. Growing up my sibling was medically complicated and spent lots of time in the hospital with life-threatening problems, so I speak from experience. This is happening in their life too, so they deserve to know the facts. Also, I think hiding this from them could also damage their trust in you in the future. As you can tell from your question about what to say when you need radiation, the lie will compound over time. There were times my mom didn’t tell me things until after they happened, or delayed telling me bad news, and it always made me very angry.
anon says
+1. I would err toward being honest with your kids, especially the 8-year-old. And I hope you have a swift recovery, OP.
anon says
+1
Anonymous says
We told our kids, but that’s not your question.
Honestly radiation was not intrusive to their lives, and I think you can do it with a minimum of talking about it. At that age presumably they go to bed early, so might you, but they won’t notice. Daily radiation is only weekdays and was easy for me to schedule while they were in school. I went to weekend sports things for the kids, I just didn’t do much else.
Radiation builds, so the first week you will likely feel fine. Don’t stress about it, you can always tell them you’re a little sick and need to rest if that’s where things shake out.
Love my kids, but they’re incredibly unobservant and selfish at that age. What feels huge to you is not necessarily hugely obvious to them.
Take gentle care of yourself.
OP says
Thank you for actually listening to me and responding to my questions and concerns. I came here thinking I’d find support and what I got instead is “you’re doing it wrong, stop lying to your children.” Not what I really need right at a time that is probably the most fragile I’ve ever felt. Good point about the radiation not really registering for them and your advice makes total sense. Thank you, and I hope you are feeling well.
Anonymous says
I think you need to use the word cancer when you tell them and describe it(including your treatments) in an age appropriate way. Other people they will use the word around your kids and it’s hard to control that. This is the standard advice.
My best friend ignored this advice and it was tricky to manage, particularly when he did not respond to treatment and had to inform his kids when he was quite sick.
I had cancer in my early 30s and I know how scary it is. I would also check out TheCancerPatient on Instagram, which is run by a nurse and shares cancer memes BUT has a lot of great discussion in the stories of issues that impact younger cancer patients (like telling your kids, etc).
Also, I recommend seeing a therapist when you are done with treatment as that tends to be the point at which the emotional impacts really hit you.
Good luck to you during treatment.
Anonymous says
I like this guide from Dana-Farber: https://www.dana-farber.org/patient-family/support-services/family-connections/for-patients/talking-children-about-cancer
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10 and my sister was 5. She is in her 60’s now and healthy. I don’t believe anything was discussed with my sister – she doesn’t remember much about that time. My father discussed a lot with me and, as I later realized, relied on me for some emotional support, which really wasn’t great. Discussing serious matters like cancer with kids requires you to walk a fine line and it’s tough. I wish you all the best in your treatment.
Walnut says
My kids were younger than yours when I was diagnosed with colon cancer and the impact was much more visible to them. That said, we purchased a coffee table book and showed them where my tumor was on the picture and which part of my colon was removed. An unintended consequence of not being super specific with our terminology was that my oldest decided that since his youngest brother was the last one “out of my stomach” that it must have been something that was his brother’s fault.
Good luck! I’m wishing you all the best as you navigate cancer treatment, side effects, and the wild mental impact of the whole thing.
Anonymous says
What sneakers are your trendy (ideally girl) tween/young teens wearing?
My 6th grader just outgrew the air max270s from last year. She doesn’t really want new ones in a bigger size (“too boring”) and didn’t see anything she liked all weekend. She sorta liked the On clouds but they looked really silly on her feet.
She has converse high tops but these are for gym/running around.
Anon says
My 6th grader has very small feet, so she’s still in little kid shoes (size 1). She hasn’t gotten fancy sneakers yet, as the selection is much more limited in her size and she hasn’t liked the options. I’m curious what others will suggest.
Anonymous says
I’m the OP and chuckling a little here…my 1st grader is a size 13! FWIW we love the AirMax shoes. They come in small sizes too. My 6th grader tried MetCons and they looked so clompy. She’s had air force onces too but those aren’t athletic enough for what she’s looking for.
Anon says
Wait, 13 like toddler 13!? How is that possible?? My daughter wore a size 13 shoe when she was 5 and she doesn’t have abnormally large feet.
Anon says
Yup, I’m the PP. Both my kids have small feet. My 3rd grader wears a toddler 13.5 and my 6th grader wears a 1 or 1.5 depending on fit. They wore the same size sandals all summer (size 1, as they didn’t come in half sizes), so it just depends on fit.
Anon says
Shoe sizes vary a lot. My 5 year old daughter is above average height and wears a 10.5 shoe size.
TheElms says
Chuckling because I just bought my Kindergartener size 1 sneakers … we have the opposite problem she is sizing out of the little kid shoes with sparkles and is so sad.
Anon says
My 3yo is in size 12!!
Anonymous says
Yep my first grader who turned six a week ago wears a big kid size 2. And is wearing size 3 rain boots just fine. Turns out kids’ shoe sizes vary greatly! My 9.5 year old has feet larger than several of his female adult relatives.
FVNC says
My 6th grader got a pair of Hoka Cliftons in a light peach color from her grandparents as a back-to-school gift. She switches between those and her Jordan Air hightops.
anon says
my stylish fourth grader has jordan air hightops with a green swish. they’re pretty cool. and some low top plain white adidas.
Anon says
For those with kids who are mildly on the spectrum – I’d like to hear your stories. Kid is almost 4. He’s been in a regular preschool/daycare to date with no issues, follows the pacing of the class fine (e.g. potty trained, stands in line, shifts between activities all reasonable for his age) and gets pulled out for services that we’ve arranged to come to the school (he’s not unique in this regard; plenty of therapists come in and out to provide PT, OT, ST, etc).
We still have this year, next year, and can potentially even do K at this school, which tends to be a small class. I want to hear about the shift from this environment to a public school setting for folks with ND kids. How did it go for kid, academically, socially, etc.? When did you make the move (K, 1st grade, later)?
I should add that while our local public elementary has been great for our older kid, there’s a lot going on with our state/school district and I’m not sure what supports they fund/he’d qualify for, and at this point I don’t think he’d need to be in a Special Ed class full time. We are fortunate that we can pay out of pocket for any additional therapies. The right kind of private school could be an option, but that would be not be ideal for many reasons.
Anon says
I really think this answer is extremely broad, and largely turns on how your kid’s ND manifests, how willing you are to intervene on your kid’s behalf, and your school’s ability/approach to ND kids. My kids are older – but friends who have ND kids have done great in our public school district. One friend in particular has had to do a lot of advocating for her kid who is on the spectrum, but her kid seems to be doing very well. Without more information about your child and your public school’s benefits/issues.
OP says
Thanks – yes, agreed lots of unknowns. I plane to intervene and advocate for my kids (NT and ND!), which I see as just a part of parenting generally.
Not sure of the school’s approach yet, but will definitely assess as it gets more timely. Just wanted some ideas how others have managed.
Anon says
Got it! For anecdotal positive stories, my friend has done an excellent job of helping her son on the spectrum stay in a mainstream classroom with lots of support. Sounds like her/his success have been helped because it is a very small public school district where it is very easy to get to know most of the school administration just by virtue of how small of a district it is. She has been very active in the district as a volunteer (she is head of the elementary PTA this year, I think), so she is well known and well liked by all teachers. Most of her son’s teachers know or have interacted with her and by extension, him, by the time he is in their classroom. Other things in her favor are that it is a well funded, wealthy district, so there are lots of resources available to him/her. This is all anecdotal, but she’s been ready to look for a private school if it wasn’t a good fit for him, and he’s still at the public school in 4th.
Anon says
Oh, one thing that seems relevant below, my friend was fortunate enough to be able to pay for private therapies. She seemed to lean this direction, rather than waiting for school or public services.
Anon says
just something to think about – at least at our public school, outside therapists cannot come in
OP says
Yes, same at ours. I know a few people who have gotten kids assessed for various things through our school district, and they don’t qualify for services, so they continue privately outside of school.
Anon says
Consider also though that services may not be needed if the kid doesn’t qualify through the public schools. Private therapists – though we’ve had some great ones – aren’t exactly unbiased in recommending their services, because they directly profit from it.
I have a kid with fairly minor needs, just speech for articulation, and she currently gets speech at public school, but our perspective has always been that if she doesn’t qualify through school then she doesn’t need it, in the absence of some clear indicator she does, like a strong teacher recommendation for it.
OP says
Very true! I also feel like that’s the danger of self-referring to any therapy without some other recommendation – one usually can find *something* your kid could work on, right? Sometimes, time is the answer.
Anon says
Yup, therapy can be miraculous for those who need it, but I do think there’s a risk to overdiagnosing and over therapy-ing, even beyond the money and parent time lost taking the kid to private appointments.
Caveat that our public schools appear to be working hard to serve every kid who genuinely needs it and I really trust their assessment of whether kids need services. I know that’s not the case everywhere and we’re fortunate.
OP says
Yeah, that’s just it. I don’t know if I’d trust my district at this time, despite what I see of teachers/staff doing their best. Our state just…well, sucks at funding/prioritizing education and would probably privatize everything if they could.
SC says
I think there’s some truth to this, and I have a child who’s in private therapy. On the other hand, our school district is so underfunded that kids who qualify for services get seen, at most, twice per month. My co-worker’s wife is a speech therapist for the school district, and she says 2x per month is not nearly enough for some of the kids she sees. So, I wouldn’t necessarily take the school district’s word for it either, especially when it comes to the level or frequency of services that a particular student needs. An underfunded district has every incentive to say the student needs whatever level of services it’s capable of providing.
Anon says
This is true at our public school too, although they have speech therapists (and possibly other therapists? I only know about speech because my kid gets it) on staff.
LC says
We’re not there yet, just started K at our small private preschool and are hoping to make the transition to public in 1st grade next year. So far, it feels like front-loading therapies has really helped — we started with OT, ST, and ABA when our kid turned 4 and in the past year he’s made a ton of progress. He’s currently able to attend mainstream school with the help of a 1-on-1 aide, and we’re reducing the aide’s hours over the year so that ideally we won’t need them at all by next summer. We’ll have to see what the public school district finds necessary in terms of services as well; we got evaluated by the county a year ago and they found no requirement for services at that time (which really annoyed us when our school was telling us he really did require services!). We also haven’t really looked at private elementaries, it seems like all of them are either specifically for special needs kids, likely with more intense needs than our kid, or mainstream schools that are not really inclusive for kids on the spectrum, but I could be wrong about that.
Good luck! I think there are several of us here navigating these sorts of issues. Of our healthcare providers, I’ve found our OT therapist to be the most helpful and knowledgeable about different schools and programs for ND kids, so you may want to ask your therapists for their advice too.
OP says
Thank you! I feel like kid would get the same response from our county. We live in a blue city but red state that tends to underfund these services. I know a few people who got their kids evaluated by our school district for various things and the kid didn’t qualify for services, despite a clear need, so the parents who could continued private services.
I agree with your assessment on the private schools – most are geared towards kids with more intense needs or are just mainstream intense private schools that wouldn’t be a fit.
I so appreciate this community, because man, it’s so easy to go down a google/reddit rabbithole, and it’s scary out there.
Anon says
Talk to me about introducing a bottle in the first days/weeks of newborn life. I’m not worried about nipple confusion because I’m pretty convinced that that’s a myth, but how do I balance establishing my supply and pumping so my husband can also give the baby a bottle and I can get some sleep? We want to try to do a shift schedule, which a lot of friends have recommended, but I’m a little unclear on how exactly the feeding works. Also, very open to using some formula if that’s the best way forward. Our approach is rested parents = better parents so we really want to find a way that gives us both some time to get real sleep while ensuring the baby is getting all he needs. Any advice welcome.
Anon says
I had an insane oversupply, so take my response with a huge grain of salt, but I approached pumping for our kids the same way as you’ve outlined here (I wanted to sleep more than I wanted breast milk for my kid, was just fine with formula if needed, and I didn’t really worry about not having something in the tank for my baby if it meant I could rest and let my husband take the first evening shift). I basically tried to train my body to produce milk when I wanted by pumping strategically. I would pump to dry right before I wanted to go to bed, which would vary based on the age of the baby, and then would try to push off my morning pumping session for as long as possible until I was leaking. My goal was to push back every morning until I didn’t have to pump until like 10AM (so by the time I went back to work I wasn’t pumping until after I was done with the morning rush and already at the office), even if I had some discomfort. Doing this, I never woke up in the middle of the night to pump, and would use the pumped milk from my nightly pump to make bottles that I used to feed the baby overnight. Pro tip – breast milk doesn’t have to be refrigerated if you are going to use it within 4 hours, so I’d just make the bottles, leave on my bedside table, and my husband could take in to the baby for an evening feed if they woke up. No need to heat up either.
Later, after the baby slept through the night, I would just use that milk for daycare the next day.
Anon says
as someone with a bit of an undersupply if i did this i would never have had any milk. OP – this post just shows how everyone’s body is SO different and it will involve some trial and error
Anon says
so in order to establish your supply you either need to pump or actually b*feed. everyone is different though, some people have a natural over supply, under supply, etc. But basically you need to be doing something every 3 hours initially. after the first 4 weeks, I was able to cut out one middle of the night pump, and then by 8 weeks, i was able to pump/feed at like 10/11pm and again at 6/7am and maintain my supply. it still ‘saves time’ if your husband gives the baby a bottle while you are pumping or if you do the b*feeding and DH changes, burps, etc. If you are willing to introduce formula from the get go (I had to as I had twins and did not have sufficient supply), you can have DH give a bottle of formula in the middle of the night, but i’d probably still do every 3 hours for the first few weeks, or maybe every 3 hours during the day and then once in the middle of the night but it depends on how important having a supply is to you and you will have to see what your supply is like, because again everyone’s body is different. if this is your first baby, i can tell you as someone with high sleep needs, somehow you make it through that first month with a combo of adrenaline/naps.
Anon says
I have an 8 week old and for the first month we spilt the night, since she wouldn’t sleep on her back for even a minute. I took a late nap then stayed up until 4 or 5am; then husband got up and I slept until 10ish, with him bringing me the baby when she was hungry.
As others have mentioned, you do need to breastfeed or pump regularly in the early weeks, both to establish supply and for your health/comfort. Going long stretches occasionally is fine, but I pushed the time frame a bit too much and developed mastitis. My fourth baby, and first bout with it (the others I had a more conventional sleep schedule and fed or pumped every 3ish hours for those first weeks). It was awful and I do not recommend.
Anon says
I’d work on getting bfing to work and be successful for the first 2-4 weeks. It’s hard and can take a while to be successful. If you’re really tired during those few weeks, of course rest and pump or do formula, but it’s easier IMO to get bfing working before making things more complicated.
Once you have that working-ish, there are a million and one options for splitting things up. You’ll have a better sense once you know how you’re feeling/sleeping and how the baby is feeling/sleeping.
Anon says
Many people don’t start pumping immediately, though some do. I think with my first I started pumping at around 2 weeks postpartum. A lot of babies will have one long sleep of the night and my son would have his from about 7PM-midnight. So, I’d feed him, put him to bed, and then probably around 9-10 I’d pump. That’s how I built my stash. It’s harder to pump at night though, it’s generally easier first thing in the morning. I know some people who would pump a little after the first morning feed. You could also pump and do a formula feed instead of worrying about building a breast milk stash. You’ll figure it out based on your schedule and baby’s schedule.
Anon for this says
So… take this with a grain of salt but I had similar feelings about breastfeeding and discovered there’s not really a way to do it half-way (meaning, yes you can feed or pump less often, and the supply goes down but that doesn’t totally alleviate the discomfort, process, etc of breastfeeding). To get started and to teach the baby to latch, you do need to do it pretty consistently for the first week or two of life, which is exhausting. “Nipple confusion” is poorly worded, but is a thing — basically, the baby isn’t “confused” – they realize that it is much, much less work for them to drink from a bottle than the breast (even with the slowest flow nipple). So you do have to make sure the baby latches well and wants to drink from you in addition to the bottle. Having said all this, I had to do a deep reflection about my own health (both physical and mental) and what breastfeeding would do for me and my baby. Combo feeding, the more I researched, was less the savior I thought it would be. Ultimately, I decided to do formula feeding from day 1. I’m so thankful I did, based on my own health outcomes (complications, etc). It took a long time for me to come to terms with it, but I thought about what would help me to serve my baby best, and formula feeding was the answer for our family. If you are considering you own mental/physical health, it is OK to just feed formula. Fed is best.
Anon says
Oh I had the complete opposite experience. Combo feeding was a dream for me, and a lot of people I know. I had such a hard time breastfeeding in the beginning and my baby was getting no milk and losing weight, but all the lactation consultants told me I couldn’t introduce formula because it would be the end of breastfeeding. I’m eternally grateful to the hospitalist ped who I saw on day 2 who said to me “In a week your breasts will be dripping with milk no matter what you do – just use formula now and try nursing again when it feels like the milk is there.” It worked perfectly, and we continued supplementing with formula occasionally on and off for months after breastfeeding was established with no nipple confusion at all. My kid went back and forth fine between bottle and breast (and even if you’re EBFing, you introduce bottles at some point).
It’s definitely fine to choose formula, but for me nursing was such a special thing and I’m glad I didn’t miss out on it because of the grumpy lactation consultants who told me combo feeding wasn’t a thing.
Anon says
Agreed completely that fed is best and formula is great! But just voicing my experience that combo feeding worked for me — I had newborn twins and a 2 year old. The twins got bottles (and pacifiers) on day 2 and were nursed from day 1, and they had no issues with nursing or a bottle. By week 3, I stopped pumping bc it was eating up my time with toddler, and they nursed from me in the morning/at night, and our nanny gave them formula bottles during the day.
Anon says
Thanks all, some helpful ideas here!
Anon says
My sister hasn’t acknowledged my pregnancy since I told her at 6 weeks. I’m currently into the 3rd trimester. I’m the oldest, and this is the first grandchild. She has suffered several miscarriages, but she has also been very vague about what, if any, fertility treatments she’s explored. My DH and I did utilize help to get pregnant.
When I told her, she basically said not to get my hopes up, which was hurtful because I’ve also had a loss. Soon after, she was on a trip with my mom who claimed she was crying at night. My mom then forbid my DH or from discussing the pregnancy in the family chat to not upset her, which felt uncomfortable for me.
Since then, she acts like it’s not happening, which really hurts me. She is planning a trip abroad and was texting me about necessary vaccines. Several times I mentioned how I got different vaccines due to pregnancy, and she didn’t react to that. I keep thinking she will ask how things are going.
I had asked for advice from several friends, and even my mom, and everyone is like “she’ll bring it up when she’s ready”. When might that be? After I’ve delivered? Will she acknowledge her nephew? I’ve had a really hard pregnancy, including hospitalization twice, and it feels so bizarre hiding all of this from her to “spare her feelings”. Did she think no one (we are 4 sisters + 1 brother) could have a baby if she doesn’t? We live in different states so she won’t see the physical changes in my body, but we used to be texting and calling several times a week. Now it’s rare.
Anonymous says
Let her have her space. 6 weeks is incredibly early to tell and honestly I would be thinking the same thing as your sister, although I wouldn’t say it out loud. She doesn’t owe you anything.
Anon says
Strongly disagree, but longer response caught in m0d. OP’s sister is being incredibly hurtful.
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
Maybe you didn’t see that OP is now in the third trimester. I agree with letting her sit with her feelings when you initially tell her, but it’s been at least 4 months, and it is immature of her not to acknowledge it in any way (even if it’s to talk about how she is hurting and is sorry she can’t be there for OP as she wishes!)
Anon says
Agree on 6 weeks being very early, but OP said she’s now in the third trimester. At this point it’s super weird for the sister to continue ignoring it. I mean, sister can do whatever she wants, but I get why OP is hurt.
Anon says
Yes, I’m due in 2 months…I also question how truthful my sister is being. She claims she’s had 9 D&Cs. Yet I had 2, and my ob did genetic testing with me and DH, referred me to a fertility specialist, who had me track ovulation (I have PCOS) and take clomid. I had literally made an appointment to explore IVF when I got pregnant naturally. I’m also seen in MFM due to age and some other risk factors that my sister would share, but she’s never mentioned an MFM.
I asked my ob if it makes sense my sister just keeps getting pregnant and having early MC’s with D&Cs, and she said no. Also, my sister is in a state with an ab0rtion ban, which seemingly makes the stakes higher for her ob to refer her to a fertility specialist than letting her get pregnant and losing it over and over again when a D&C may not be available. She also said some vague thing about she has a “condition” that can’t be treated in the US and she would have to travel to X country but can’t afford it. That seemed kind of…odd?
It’s hard to know what’s real here. I understand first hand how hard losses are, so I don’t blame her if she’s exaggerating a bit or unwilling to do fertility treatments that are no picnic. But that’s also not my fault and not a reason to ignore my own rainbow baby.
Anonymous says
Girl what?! It is wild that you are diagnosing her from a distance and talking to your doctor about her. You don’t need to prove her wrong? She’s obviously not a person who’s available to support you, which is fine? Actually?
Anon says
Wow. So much judgment. It sounds like she isn’t sharing with you because you aren’t a kind ear. I wouldn’t tell you anything either. Stop making guesses about her condition from gossip you’ve heard from others. Know she’s upset and hurting and give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s your sister for goodness sakes.
Anon says
I totally get it, OP. It sounds like maybe there’s an element of narcissism or mental illness on your sister’s side. You can have sympathy for that and I’m sure you do, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t also have needs. Congratulations on your rainbow baby – pregnant with mine too <3
Anon says
I think it’s a mistake to question her medical stuff. I’m not a doctor but I am in a state with an abortion ban and I can tell you that it’s still quite common for women here who want more children and can’t afford IVF to just get pregnant over and over again even if it results in losses that require D&Cs. It may not be ideal from a medical perspective, especially in a state with an abortion ban, but I doubt an OB is going to tell a woman who wants a baby to stop trying to conceive and anyway people ignore the advice of their doctors all the time. So that part of the story doesn’t sound unbelievable to me, fwiw.
Anon says
Let me be clear. I’ve never questioned anything she said to me, with her, or discussed anything she said to me with other family or friends, except sharing what sehs said with my own providers so I could in tun to see if I have the same genetic conditions. Online on this anonymous board is the first time even questioning her out loud, which apparently makes me a horrible narcissist.
She used to talk with me about her medical conditions and fertility journey all the time. She still reached out recently to ask me how to get vaccines for her first time traveling internationally.
Anonymous says
“It’s hard to know what’s real here. I understand first hand how hard losses are, so I don’t blame her if she’s exaggerating a bit or unwilling to do fertility treatments that are no picnic. But that’s also not my fault and not a reason to ignore my own rainbow baby.” – This is the part that makes you the narcissist.
Anon says
I’m so sorry – I hate that kind of thing and do not think she’s in the right (I say this as someone who is finally almost to the third trimester after two miscarriages). You don’t need to rub it in her face, but of course you haven’t done that – you’re existing while pregnant and she owes you an apology for this behavior, especially considering that you’ve been hospitalized twice. Your mom also needs to butt out. My advice is not to pretend that it didn’t happen. If/when she reaches out, I would say directly that her behavior was hurtful and that you’re still processing it (or whatever you want to say). Let her see that while she made a choice that she thought might be best for herself, it hurt other people.
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
Ack, for the sake of your relationship and both your and her mental health, pour these feelings of excitement, fear, and joy into a person who is able to receive them. She is not. Look, I’ve had 4 kids, and my “go-to” person during each pregnancy was different. For my 4th pregnancy, all my kids were long done with pregnancy and little kids, and my dear friends, while generally kind, were just not that invested when they had lots of stuff in their own lives going on. I didn’t force them into the conversations, I ended up becoming BFFs via text with my sister in law’s sister (so my brother’s wife’s sister) because she was pregnant with her first and was just as excited/happy to talk about the minutia of pregnancy/newborns as me. When my baby had a really hard newborn phase, I still leaned on this person for support — not my absolute favorite human in the world, my best friend, as she was struggling with her own journey of infertility. Finding someone else to lean on didn’t harm our relationship — it actually made it stronger. I had someone who supported me/knew what I was going through, and I wasn’t asking her to take on something that was really hard for her.
Your sister has made it very clear she does not want to walk through this journey with you right now, so continuing to force it seems cruel and unnecessary. Sounds like she’s still reaching out to you (even if it’s not what you want to talk about), but man, I’d be irate even if I wasn’t having troubles conceiving if you responded to my travel questions talking about your pregnancy. It’s similar to the circle of grief theory – you are pouring your excitement the wrong way. Re-direct it. She’ll either come around or she won’t, but the approach outlined in this post is a great way to poison the relationship for a long time.
Anon says
And, as for the family text thread, I still have a separate text thread with my parents about my kids so I don’t overwhelm our family thread. With 4 kids, we can dominate the feed, so to speak. I put some kid stuff on our family text chain, but only if it’s relevant to the broader family. Because, with four kids, someone is always having a big game, or has a cool picture to show, or got some fun feedback from a teacher. Why not start a private thread with your mom and dad and husband, so you can lean into the fun details of your growing family with your parents, but still have some zoomed out perspective on what’s going on with everyone else. Start a Tiny Beans account, and then you can post everything, but it only goes to subscribers for instance.
Anon says
I don’t think the OP is at risk of poisoning the relationship. The sister has already done that. Responding to the news with “don’t get your hopes up?” to someone who had already had a loss? Ignoring repeat hospitalizations? Just…wow. There’s taking some space and then there’s whatever this is. OP, you’re absolutely justified in being upset about this and I don’t think you need to extend any further grace. It sounds like you’ve done enough. I do agree that you’ll be better served by reaching out to people who care about you, though.
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
I didn’t talk about my pregnancy in responae to her travel questions. She asked about vaccines. I said “I took this vaccine because I’m pregnant. If not, it would be another vaccine. I had to switch malaria pills because I’m pregnant.”
I don’t think I should have to hide my pregnancy when asked direct questions in this context.
Anon says
No, definitely not have to hide it, but don’t be surprised, I guess, when she doesn’t comment back specifically on the pregnancy. Putting aside absolutely everything else, I think it’s great to acknowledge that it’s really hard and sad that your sister cannot be there for you right now like you want or hoped. Then, try to let the expectation go that she’d be that person for you, and when/as she does start to get invested or show interest in your child, receive her interest with joy. It’s just…you are totally justified in being sad she’s not there for you, but you also aren’t going to shame her out of being sad about where she is in her own life to the point where she can be your person in this situation.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
No, you definitely shouldn’t. I’m sorry, OP. This is hard and crappy of her – she doesn’t have to be your confidant on this but pretending it isn’t happening is simply cruel.
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
She didn’t tell you to? She just didn’t respond to that particular part
Anon says
You have the thing she desperately wants–a baby. This is the moment to show grace and kindness. Follow her lead and let her come around in her own time. Don’t bring up your pregnancy unless she does. Be ready for her to be distant during the newborn period, as she may feel a new sense of loss. Find other people to lean on. Hope that she comes around to being a fabulous aunt as the baby gets bigger, but know it’s complicated for her. Shes not doing it to you, but hurting herself.
Spirograph says
This. It’s natural that you’re excited about your pregnancy and want your sister to be on this journey with you, emotionally. But from your description, it seems really clear that she can’t do that, and for a really good reason. It’s also natural for you to feel sad or angry that you can’t share with her, but unless she has a cruel streak otherwise, I’d take it at face value that she is hurting and needs time– apparently more time than 6 months and that is fine! People process grief differently, and it’s unfair to attempt to force her into your timeline. Being unable to share your joy for your pregnancy does not mean she will never want a relationship with your son.
Anon says
I have been in your sister’s shoes. It was difficult for me to be happy for my best friend when she got pregnant, but over time I was able to at least fake excitement for her, and then eventually be genuinely excited and happy for her. Please consider your sister’s perspective. Your pregnancy is a painful reminder of the losses she suffered, and that you have something she desperately wants. You can have a separate family group chat without her to talk about your pregnancy. Have you checked in on her to see how she is doing? You could also reach out to her to acknowledge that all this baby talk may be hard for her, and that you are excited for your son to get to know his auntie, and that you love her.
Anon says
This is the kindest response.
Anon says
I disagree – I think this would be too painful for OP and not actually help the sister. If the sister has gone totally silent during a rainbow baby pregnancy for OP, then she’s not going to appreciate a “this must be hard for you!” reminder and then OP is left in the position of even a nice gesture backfiring. Speaking for myself, I would have HATED a pitying “it must be hard for you to see my pregnancy” from my best friend when I was going through my miscarriage and she was entering a healthy third trimester. Sister has made her bed on this.
Anonymous says
Agreed. It seems like a lot of the infertile influencers on Instagram (yes! This is a thing!) have normalized hating women who can actually get pregnant. Even if those women also went through fertility challenges. It’s like a public “whose life is worse?” Competition or something. They normalize absolute rudeness to couples who can have children. I do not think this used to be OK until like 10-15 years ago.
Anonymous says
Ok I get it but also please stop. She’s clearly hurting. You have three other sisters, a mother, a husband, surely you have friends? Is there some particular reason you need support or excitement or acknowledgment from this particular one who you know is hurting? Can you not focus on your own blessings and simply wish her well?
Anon says
This is her sister whom she formerly spoke to multiple times per week. It’s wild to me that people are pretending it’s over the top to be upset about being frozen out about a wanted pregnancy that has come with complications after loss. Absolutely wild. I blame the Internet for a lot of this – it encourages women going through infertility to be absolute jerks to family and friends.
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
This is an insane take to me. I agree with 12:44. Also, sounds like the sister is/was still reaching out, but the OP is expecting her to engage about her pregnancy and is getting annoyed when the sister isn’t. I think when OP is at the level of fact checking her sister’s medical information with her own doctor, it’s time for OP to gather some perspective. Be grateful, have some empathy, and lean into friends who can support you.
Anon says
There’s no baby talk. No one has mentioned the baby in our family chat. She has basically gone radio silent and never texts or calls me anymore. Yes, I have other siblings, but we are the 2 oldest and used to be close.
I didn’t even tell her when I was hospitalized twice. AFAIK no one told her. That feels really weird and sad to me.
I can see the fact checking might be wrong. It’s just hard to understand if she is telling the truth. She has a track record of exaggerating throughout her life. It’s hard to understand why her own ob wouldn’t have her do basic tests that should be covered by her insurance like prenatal genetic testing. She’s a state emoloyee in a union and has bragged about having good insurance.
Anon says
I’m so sorry, OP. It must be incredibly hurtful to have been hospitalized twice and to not even get one kind word from your formerly close sister. That isn’t how you treat family, and it isn’t OK. There are no excuses.
Anonymous says
How can her sister text a kind word if she had no idea that OP was hospitalized?
Btw, speaking from experience, you can have all the tests run and come out clear, and still have numerous miscarriages. OP is seemingly implying that all her sister’s miscarriages are her sister’s fault by not pursuing fertility testing or treatments. The fact that OP thinks her fact-checking “might” be wrong and brings up the sister’s insurance and state laws shows that OP is trying her darnedest to make her sister the bad guy here.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry OP. There really isn’t any excuse for your sister’s behavior. I’d be so hurt and angry too.
Anon says
Yes there is. The sister has had 9 D&Cs, has a condition that’s keeping her from carrying a pregnancy and she doesn’t have the means to treat her condition. There’s a ton of hurt that comes with that. And the sister isn’t cutting off OP, but just not engaging about the pregnancy because of her own hurt and loss. Meanwhile OP is disbelieving the sister and trying to fact check her sister’s traumatic experiences with her OB.
That’s a whole lot of excuses for the sister’s behavior. Even the mom is telling OP to back down and lay off sister about her pregnancy.
Anon says
I think OP knows more about her sister’s history and whether there’s a mental illness (or whatever this is) element to her behavior compared to the commenters here. They used to speak multiple times per week.
Anonymous says
Agree there’s no need for fact-checking sister’s medical history.
But aside from that, how does one’s own pain make it okay to hurt someone else by ignoring – for months at this point – the fact that OP is pregnant? OP is right to be hurt and angry.
Anon says
Agreed. Having your own pain isn’t actually a justification for hurting others. I think everyone would fully understand the sister not being there for every single pregnancy update and bump pic, but there is a whole world between those two extremes – especially for family. Starting off with a “congrats sister, I know you’ll be a great mom” before going silent, even, would have been a 180.
Anon says
+ one million to poster at 2:25, and even several of OP’s friends are saying the same, per her post. Just because the answer is hard or not the one you want to hear doesn’t mean it’s the wrong answer.
Anonymous says
+1. OP is spending so much time and effort trying to villainize her sister’s processing of her infertility trauma to other people that OP is becoming the true villain here. Talking to multiple friends about it? Slightly understandable. “She has suffered several miscarriages, but she has also been very vague about what, if any, fertility treatments she’s explored” – Why does OP feel entitled to know the details of her fertility treatments? Fact-checking with her OB?! Unhealthily fixated and bordering on unhinged. Maybe the fact that OP so freely discusses her doubts about her sister’s medical history with other people is the reason why her sister is so tight-lipped about the details of her infertility with OP.
It seems as if the sister is doing the best she can to remain in touch (discussing travel and vaccines), and the OP is doing what she can to make it about her own pregnancy (didn’t get this one due to PREGNANCY). OP needs to realize that her sister is not going to be a person she can go to for support during this season of her life, or about this particular topic, and stop obsessing over her sister’s obvious need for space. It’s a bad look and with each follow-up comment, it’s beginning to seem like the sister is not the narcissist in this situation.
PS: As someone who has had 7 early miscarriages and 4 D&Cs, including 2 D&Cs within 2 weeks due to complications with the first one, it is entirely possible to have 9 D&Cs if you’ve been trying for a few years.
Anon says
Remaining “in touch” without addressing the elephant in the room is bizarre. I’d never, ever in a million years reach out to a relative with cancer, for example, and refuse to acknowledge they have cancer and only send texts asking about the weather and what running shoes are best, even if I myself had dealt with cancer or had a family member who died of cancer. That doesn’t compute.
I just can’t see how alienating your own sister, who has ALSO experienced pregnancy loss, helps anything in life. Two of my best friends were pregnant (and have since had their kids) when I was going through my second miscarriage. How would it have helped me to freeze them out? Even just speaking selfishly, what’s in it for me in that case?
Anon says
Fact checking because my sister exaggerates a lot. Asking my ob a question isn’t freely discussing my sister. My sister told me she is a carrier for a particular clotting disorder that “makes it nearly impossible” to carry a pregnancy to term.
I got tested for this, and I don’t have it. My ob referred me to a specialist. The genetic counselor informed me that being a carrier for this, or even having the full on clotting disorder, desn’t make it impossible to carry a pregnancy to full term. I think it was highly relevant to investigate what my sister said to see if I have it too, and what steps are to address it. I consider this an example of her exaggerating, which makes her a somewhat unreliable narrator.
She also told me she has another gene variation, MTHFR, which about 25% of people from our racial background have, as another reason she’s having trouble. I was also tested and have it. My ob was completely not concerned about this. She had me and DH do full on testing for 300+ conditions, which my sister said her and her husband have never done in tandem. That seems to be a basic first step, and also odd that my sister would bring up conditions not really impacting pregnancy when we both were TTC before I successfully did.
Anonymous says
Agree with 3:12. So much judgment and sleuthing. So much making everything about OP’s pregnancy. If I were the sister I would just disengage from the relationship.
Anon says
You are still judging her and her doctors. There’s no way I’d speak to you at all if you were my sister. You seem to lack any ability for kindness or empathy towards your sister.
Anonymous says
OP, I’m kind of seeing why your sister is keeping her distance. Congratulations on your rainbow pregnancy and I wish you the best. I also hope you come to the wisdom that there are billions of people in the world and almost as many “right” ways to do things based on the infinite variations in people and their individual situations, none of which you can ever fully know or understand. If you would handle a situation differently, great. But like I tell my kids: you can’t control anything except your own behavior. If someone is doing something you don’t like, or doesn’t make sense to you, or whatever… you can’t control that. And telling them they’re doing it wrong probably won’t endear you to them.
Anon says
It sounds a lot like you think you are better at dealing with infertility than your sister is and that’s why you’re pregnant and she isn’t. You’re trying very hard to prove you’re both “right” and “better”. But she’s walking her own infertility journey and doesn’t need your sibling rivalry.
Anonymous says
I am 3:12. So I actually do have a clotting disorder that only affects fertility and is “treatable.” I don’t have the “full on” clotting disorder as my lab values were borderline, but I am being treated as if I do have it. And yes, while I did ultimately give birth to a baby, it took 7 early miscarriages, 4 years of active medical interventions, 2 failed IVF transfers of normal embryos, and 4 D&Cs to have her. So no, it is not “impossible” to carry a baby to term. But yes, it can take numerous hospitalizations, surgeries, D&Cs, and tens of thousands of dollars to get there. The average person would deem that “nearly impossible.”
The details and trauma related to my journey are so intense that I don’t think any one person out of my close family or friends knows the entire story, just bits and pieces of it. Several of my loved ones were going through IVF or infertility with me. I did not divulge the midnight visits to the ER or the numerous fist-sized clots that accompanied a failed D&C because there was no need to traumatize them while they were trying to become pregnant or enjoying their hard-won pregnancies. Hence, the “vague details.” When my sister got pregnant the first time trying, I congratulated her, but did take a step back in communications. She was kind enough to not emphasize her pregnancy in our weekly texts, as we had somehow managed to communicate about a lifetime of topics before either of us became mothers.
I think you are trying so hard to rationalize WHY your sister doesn’t want to talk to you that you are missing the overall point: Your sister is not comfortable speaking to you about your pregnancy right now. That is understandably hurtful to you. However, you are making the situation even more hurtful by repeatedly trying to discredit your sister’s medical issues by actively questioning every detail she gives you, and complaining to numerous friends and family members who have all told you to give her time . Please let this fixation go and enjoy the fact that you are lucky and privileged enough to be able to become a mother. Your sister will come around when she comes around. That timing is not up to you. Remaining fixated on proving her wrong and desperately trying to force her to shine a spotlight on you and your pregnancy is not going to make her come around any faster.
Anon says
Anon @ 4:16 I have never once questioned my sister nor said anything about her fertility journey to family, friends, or even my DH. Just discussed with my ob because I wanted the same tests done as her.
I never told her my ob’s comments about the MTHFR genetic variation not causing infertility like she said.
Today on this board is the first time saying anything because it’s anonymous.
I completely understand that I don’t know her entire picture, nor does she mine.
I told friends, not family, in 1 conversation that it hurts me she doesn’t want to hear anything about the baby. That conversation was months ago. This topic came up again today because my friend asked if my sister should receive a shower invite. She asked if we still aren’t speaking. I said no, don’t send her one.
Many of comments have made assumptions and extrapolations that aren’t true and feel hurtful. I regret posting this thread.
Anonymous says
Please don’t intentionally exclude her from the baby shower and allow her the dignity of declining the invitation if she so wishes
Anon says
I wouldn’t invite sister to the baby shower at this point. She clearly doesn’t give a sh*t.
Anonymous says
Yes, if the actual question was “should my friend invite my sister to my baby shower?” the answer is yes, even given that your sister seems to be avoiding pregnancy talk and news. That’s assuming this will be a paper invitation that will come in the mail, so your sister will be at home and able to react privately and make a decision. Please do not let your friend send an evite or a text message that your sister might see while she’s at work, out in public, etc.
Anon says
My perspective as someone with multiple MCs: it’s not great that your sister hasn’t been unable to acknowledge your pregnancy after all this time. Even though it hurts sometimes, I have always been able to express to others that I am happy about their pregnancies. But also, reading about how much you question your sisters’ medical situation and have speculated about it with others made me really uncomfortable and if I was your sister I would probably consider that a serious sign that our relationship has problems. Not sure what you’re questioning exactly but I have had several early MCs and it took forever to get a referral, approval, and an appointment so I’m just starting the process with an RE now after 3 MCs.
Anon says
I appreciate your feedback and hear you. I wrote above that I questioned what she was telling me because I got tested for 2 genetic conditions she is using to explain her infertility. I was concerned I might have the same situation. But my providers have disagreed and said those conditions (one of which I have) don’t actually cause problems like she’s describing.
Anon says
Apparently you’ve never heard of unexplained infertility. She may still have a few answers but not all the answers. Yet you’re judging her again and again.
You say you’ve never said this to her, but your posts are so so critical. You clearly disbelieve her.
Anonymous says
I am the prior poster above, and living proof that at least one of those conditions actually does cause problems exactly like she’s describing
AllieAB says
My best friend struggled for years to get pregnant, then suffered a loss at 5 months. About two months later, I got pregnant unexpectedly. She was not there for me during my pregnancy at all, and I found it sad and hurtful. She came to the hospital once my son was born and it felt like such a precious gift. Later she told me that she was so angry and sad about her own situation that she didn’t want it to “poison” my pregnancy, but that seeing my son and feeling happy for us helped start her healing. I wish we had talked through it sooner but respect that she needed time and space to get through a very difficult time on her own terms. It’s been years now and our relationship is solid. So OP – it’s okay to be hurt and confused. But it’s also okay to be hopeful that your relationship with your sister is not permanently damaged.
Anon says
Love this story and think this is the right take away – both sides need to give grace and hope for healing in the future.
Anonymous says
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Hard conversations with teachers? says
Have any of you had convos with teachers that went well where you basically tell them your kid needs more? I do NOT think my kid is a super genius or anything for the record. He’s in 2nd grade. Last year he missed no questions in math at all and got 100% on all reading/ELA assignments. So we need him pushed a lot more and don’t know where to start. Other than giving up and moving schools, how do you have this conversation with a teacher you like and respect? Just say it directly and hope for the best?
Anon says
I guess I’d start with why do you need him pushed more. Is he bored and acting out? The fact that school comes easily and he gets 100% on everything (which, tbh, I think is quite common for bright kids in elementary… the curriculum is not really meant to be super challenging at this age) doesn’t necessarily mean he needs a different curriculum. If he’s happy at school, I think you can just carry on as normal. Encourage him to read higher level books outside of school and maybe find some extracurriculars where has to work harder and learn how to handle it when things don’t click immediately (sports, music, foreign language, chess if you want something more “intellectual” are all good things), but to be honest having school come easily at this age is pretty normal for bright kids, which in good school districts is a lot of kids and it’s not something I would consider a problem in the absence of behavioral issues.
anon. says
Thanks. I don’t think he’s bored but it’s manifesting in other ways, one of which is he has no idea how to challenge himself in any arena. Part of the problem is he’s perfectly happy being the well behaved wall flower. We’re doing some outside activities / sports to try to push him a bit to his edge. Thanks for the response – all worth thinking about.
Anon says
IMO that’s mostly personality and probably not something you can really change. I’d just continue encouraging sports and other things where has to work a bit harder. And sending a book to school is a good idea if the teacher’s open to that.
If you do raise it with the teacher, I think I’d approach it more from the “we want him to learn how to challenge himself” than from “he gets 100% on everything.” I think the teacher will be more receptive if you frame it less as about achieving perfect scores and more about wanting to see growth. I don’t know how much in-class differentiation they do, or whether your district has a gifted/high ability program, but those are other things to explore too.
Anonymous says
Why does a second grader need to be actively challenging himself and pushed to his “edge”? Why not just let him enjoy being a kid while he can? I truly don’t understand.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, I kind of fall on this side, too. It’s ok for school to not be hard! I was never particularly “challenged” in elementary school, despite doing very well starting early on. My teachers suggested I skip first grade and my parents (to their credit) said no. I went to a not particularly good elementary with zero differentiation, and school was always pretty easy for me. In practice, that meant I was deeply un-stressed by school, spent lots of time with my friends after school, and read a TON during school hours. I would not characterize myself as someone who likes to be “pushed to the edge” but I’m now a quant social science professor who is constantly forced to learn new things and my lack of being challenged during school doesn’t seem to have broken my ability to step up.
Caveat that clearly if your kid is saying they hate school, is acting out, etc, then it’s a different story.
Anon says
I do think it’s good for kids to learn how to be challenged at some point. My husband had a much better college experience than I did, because he went to a private high school and had to work hard and learn to study while the stakes were still relatively low, while I went to a mediocre public school and breezed through academically with no effort until my top college walloped me in the face. Maybe there are some people who can handle being challenged for the first time in college, but I wasn’t one of them. I did alright academically in the end, but I got completely burned out and I think I would have ultimately had a much more successful career if I’d been pushed earlier on and had practice struggling or at least had experience with something other than being the best with zero effort.
But I agree it doesn’t have to happen in second grade.
Anon says
+1 to AwayEmily. We enjoyed 5 wonderful elementary school years with my daughter where she wasn’t stressed by school, and tried all the after school things. Now she’s in 6th and pushing herself, but it’s self-motivated and I’m glad she didn’t have to grind through the first 5 years of school already.
Spirograph says
+1. I wouldn’t expect too much curriculum differentiation at 2nd grade. Our school starts doing group work for math and reading at that age, and the groups are ability based, but not necessarily fixed. There was “math enrichment” during regular math time last year for my son’s 2nd class. The teachers identified the students for it, we just got an email that asked if it was ok with us if son received pull-out math enrichment during math time. (It was mostly math puzzles, games, and brain teasers, and he loved it.)
I would not have a separate conversation with the teacher about this. Gently, most parents thinks well of their child and want a little extra, but that is not what public school is for. You can bring it up at the regular fall parent-teacher conference but I’d make it less about last year’s performance and more of a discussions about how your son feels about school, and how he interacts with the material and his peers during class. Absent behavioral challenges or a negative attitude about school, I would leave it alone on the school front. If you want to challenge him, there are a million resources to do that outside of school.
Spirograph says
actually one more thing, OP, since I saw your response… last year one teacher sent a note at the beginning of the year just saying, “tell me about your child.” I loved how open-ended that was and I bet she learned a lot about both the kids AND the parents from it. In any case, if you get an opportunity like that, it would be a perfect time to mention that you would love your son to be pushed a bit since he doesn’t seem to seek out challenge on his own, along with the sports etc he’s already trying.
GCA says
Following for my rising 4th grader – so far our approach has been to
a) send him in with a book; if he completes all his work early in class the teachers have just let him read (1st and 2nd grade) or send resources that the classroom can share (we gave a copy of Sleeping Queens to DD’s kinder class last year and it was a big hit)
b) lean in to other ways of challenging him outside the conventional school setting (STEM camps, sports, reading whatever he wants, playing board games, building things, Cub Scouts, one of our neighbors put together a DIY math festival)
I feel like we’re fairly low-key about it as the job of a public school teacher is hard enough on its own, but teachers have always been happy to point us in the direction of additional resources or send home extra math puzzles when asked.
Anon says
yea, recently after Parent Info Night at our public school I commented to a friend about how our teacher kept talking about how she makes time to work with kids in small groups if they are struggling and not as much about the ones who are excelling…a public school’s job unfortunately is not to tailor the education to your child. some teachers are better at this than others (we had a great one last year, who really did try to challenge the kids who needed the challenging, while others could barely speak english). i myself attended private school so this is all new to me, but explore if your district has GT schools or classes if you feel like that is needed. at my private school there was a group of us pulled out for math starting in 2nd grade
Anon says
Some do better than others at meeting the needs of the good students. My daughter’s K class of 20 had 4-5 groups for both math and reading, and there was quite a gap in ability between the top and bottom groups, especially for reading. But it’s correct that the fundamental job of a public school teacher is to get the stragglers up to baseline, not to push the kids who are already doing well.
Anon says
As a parent of kids who were bored all of elementary, I’d suggest:
–signing up for music and foreign language outside of school
–sending a more advanced silent reading book from home (we go to the public library frequently) for when they finish their work
–asking for a math menu or app with advanced math content for after they finish their grade-level work
–encouraging the teacher and your student to keep developing writing assignments to fill the available time, rather than stopping at grade level goal
Anonymous says
Yes. My bright second grader asked for piano and learning French (which I know, but bought her a curriculum to teach). She loves both. She also does a lot of actual hand crafts like crochet, sewing, building kits with wood, art, etc…we play a lot of math based board games. DH is great at math, I’m horrendous at anything beyond 3rd grade math.
Anonymous says
If he’s not acting out and not bored…let it be. Our school districts version of G&T doesn’t start until 4th grade. I would have him read books at home and you can play pretty advanced math board games/card games at home. Give him math word problems or practice multiplication on car rides. Your child’s education is not solely the responsibility of his teachers. Parents are the most important teachers. We have a bright 2nd grader who also NEVER misses a math problem. But childhood is short, there’s no need to rush to algebra. If you want a more challenging school you’ll need to do private school. Public schools (mostly) teach to the lowest common denominator.
anon. says
I’m OP. Thanks for all the thoughtful responses – I’m taking it to heart.
Anonymous says
I would be prepared for your request to be laughed off. In our school district the expectation is that everyone gets an A in everything. In elementary school the baseline expectation is 100%. The curriculum has been dumbed down to facilitate this. In middle and high school a lot of assignments are graded on completion rather than accuracy, and there’s a lot of extra credit and second-chance assignments to help kids boost their grades if they perform poorly on tests. If your district is anything like ours, the teacher will not understand why you want your child pushed harder.
Anon says
Yeah, this may be school dependent, but in my kid’s class it seems like the expectation in elementary school is that smart kids will get 100% on pretty much every assessment, and I’d guess somewhere between a quarter and half of the class is in that group, so I think a teacher would just be amused if you offered this as a reason your kid should be pushed ahead. Fwiw, I’m very happy with my kid’s progress and I think she’s learning the things she should be, she’s doing great on national standardized tests and enjoying school, so I see no particular reason to push. We do a bit of math enrichment outside of school because we have a lot of math professors in our family and friend circle, but we haven’t forced it, and we try to do things that aren’t taught in regular school rather than simply accelerating the curriculum (because that would lead to boredom).
anon says
Help me think through the logistics of hosting a kids’ birthday party at the pumpkin patch. The birthday girl is turning 10; her guests are ages 8-10. We can rent a shelter as a meeting spot.
1) Would you do cake/birthday things at the beginning, then let them do all the attractions?
2) How much supervision would you provide? Divide them up in groups? Use a buddy system? Send an adult with small groups of 3 or 4 kids? The disadvantage is that not everyone would be able to party with the birthday kid, which seems to defeat the purpose.
I really want to do this, but I also want to be realistic about how to corral this group and make sure nobody gets lost, is left out, etc. I was thinking 8 kids, max, but that’s still a lot of kids, lol.
Anon says
I wouldn’t hold a 10 yo’s birthday at a pumpkin patch. I think they’d be bored.
anon says
OP here, and this particular patch offers lots of attractions for older kids, much more than most pumpkin patches. I’m not worried about boredom.
Anon says
There are some in my area with big slides, bounce houses, awesome corn mazes, etc. I think that’s what she means, not like just… rows of pumpkins.
Anon says
i think when you do a party like this at a pumpkin patch or a children’s museum, etc. there is time when everyone is not with the birthday kid. if you want people to be with the birthday kid the whole time this is not an activity to do with 8 kids, maybe with 2-3 friends.
i think how much supervision is also a know your friend group – would people be comfortable having their kids wander around the pumpkin patch without an adult? i’d probably do an adult with small groups. you could meet at shelter, have groups go out, come back for birthday stuff, and then switch which group the bday girl is with and go out for part two?
anon says
Yeah, that’s a good idea. I think it could work to divide up the group, then switch.
Anon says
For number 1, I would swap it. Let them go and do all the attractions, and then do cake and birthday things at the end for the last 30-45 minutes or so.
Anon says
Yes that’s what I’d suggest as well.
Anon says
I think I’d do the buddy system if their parents would be ok with it. My daughter is younger but I chaperoned first and second grade Girl Scouts on an outing to a pumpkin patch with rides and even with only 6 girls (and 3 adults) it was extremely chaotic. They were all pulling us in different directions and basically didn’t stand still for a moment. We basically ended up splitting into three pairs, each with one adult, and then got each pair to agree on what to do, but it didn’t work well with a larger group. I have a reasonable amount of field trip chaperoning experience with both Girl Scouts and school classes, and this was harder than anywhere else I’ve been, I’m not sure why. The girls had SO MUCH FUN but it was completely exhausting for us.
Anon says
Solidarity from the Anon @ 2:16. I’ve taken a lot of kids to a lot of places, and I still think that random pumpkin patch + corn maze is one of the harder kid outings I’ve done. The kids had the best time ever, but the moms (my college roommates) were all like, absolutely not, never again. I think it had to do with how open ended literally everything was — you just run to an attraction, do the activity, and then run to the next one. It was just really easy to get separated, and not a lot of standing around (none of the activities were that long). The walkie talkies would have gone a long way to avoid fear of separation (which happened even to the moms trying to keep track of the kids, and we all had cell phones), and a smaller group that is told to stay together and has fewer voices who want to do something different would all help.
Anon says
Ha, yes I just saw your comment. Same experience! Walkie Talkies is absolutely genius.
anon says
Oof, you have me rethinking this!
Anon says
I would do 4 kids, but that’s just me! Invest in cheap Walkie Talkies from Amazon for maximum fun + safety. I think you can get like 4 for $25. Fun party favor, and if the kids get lost/separated, they have an easy way to communicate. My friends and I had 4 adults and 6 10 year old girls at a pumpkin patch with corn maze, and we lost them immediately. It was, honestly, somewhat stressful, and I’m a pretty free range parent.
Anon says
Walkie talkies are a great idea. I was thinking you could ask the girls to check in at periodic intervals but they might not all have watches, and it would be a lot of schlepping back and forth to the check-in point, so walkie talkies are much better. And great party favor!
Anonymous says
If this is the kid’s choice, talk to the patch. The one near us is small enough that they can all just…pick pumpkins. They will do a bounce house beforehand.
OTOH, I have a 10 year old and this sounds like a fun weekend trip, not a “party”- like, can she bring 3-4 friends and do it as a party where you go all out and do hayrides and feed animals or whatever? We did this exact party, but apple picking, when my now 10 y/o was 3 and it was better suited to the PK age.
Anon says
Small parenting win… started Harry Potter over the weekend with my first grader who’s never been much for books (unlike me), and she’s obsessed! We read aloud seven chapters in two days. This was one of my all-time favorite series as a kid and it’s so fun to see her excitement about it. I know she won’t always share my interests and I’m awed by many aspects of her personality that are so different than me (like her ability to make friends with anyone!) but it’s fun when it happens that our interests align.
Anon says
Oh man, so happy for you! It’s so wonderful for her to get to read it for the first time. I wish I could again.
Cb says
Oh so, so fun. We haven’t gone deep on Harry Potter but are met my son’s favourite author, Cressida Cowell, this weekend and she was so, so inspiring.
Anon says
Aw fun! How to Train Your Dragon is big in my daughter’s friend group too.