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My youngest doesn’t love bathing, but he always hustles to the tub if there are bath toys.
These floating bath toys are great for babies four months old and up. The four bubbles each have a cute critter or item inside. They also float, so they’re easy to find and grab. The textured rings move around the bubbles for even more fun.
Munchkin’s Float & Play Bubbles are available at Amazon and Target.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
Anonymous says
Pregnant friends, what are you wearing to your business causal offices these days? I only have to go in 1-2 times per week, and I find myself dreading it because I don’t really have business-y maternity clothes. I’ve been getting away with Athleta Brooklyn pants and a nice-ish tee, but wondered what you all are doing. Add in swollen feet that make it tough to do professional shoes, and it’s a mess.
Anon says
Sounds like my business casual office skews more business than yours, but I basically lived in 3 Seraphine dresses and a pair of black Target maternity ankle cropped pants + black&white Seraphine blouse on repeat until my baby was born a few weeks ago. As on this site will probably also attest, Seraphine fits best in second trimester, but I just continued wearing them until the end.
anon says
I wore a lot of dresses. I sized up in non-maternity dresses with forgiving waists for 1st tri and most of 2nd tri, then swapped to jersey maternity dresses for 3rd tri. I added a non-maternity blazer in a size up (I’m bigger up top when pregnant) when I needed to be very professional.
Anon says
This is the sort of non-maternity dress I would have worn in a size or two up with a blazer. Stretchy and long. And also great post partum.
https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/dresses/smocked-midi-dress/CC795
AwayEmily says
No longer pregnant but I relied heavily on “regular outfit” (e.g. maternity pants/t-shirt plus a blazer or “dress plus a blazer.” That way I could get away with pretty casual-ish outfits/dresses, because the blazer took care of the fanciness. Not quite as stylish as I’d prefer for regular life but I feel like you can get away with more while pregnant. I also found one pair of black ponte maternity pants (with a front seam so they looked nicer) that I wore A LOT with all three pregnancies. Felt like sweatpants. So maybe find one go-to pair of pants you can reuse?
anon says
I’ll add that the clothes I bought for the first half of pregnancy in a size up were really useful for when I went back to work and wasn’t quite at my pre-pregnancy size yet.
Anon says
Currently pregnant in a pretty formal office, 5 days per week, so I feel your pain. Formal maternity clothes options pretty dismal. I second the previous comments though: doing mostly stretch dresses with blazers or my one pair of black maternity pants with either a maternity tshirt or loose blouse & blazer. Also agree that previous poster that you can get away with more when your pregnant, which is basically the only upside :)
TheElms says
The folks that are pregnant in my business casual office at the moment are wearing a lot of Seraphine dresses (the fact that there is very little choice is a common complaint) with a jardigan type topper.
It might also be worth looking on Poshmark or similar to see if you can find some maternity blouses / maternity pants. Loft used to carry a lot. I wouldn’t worry about Athleta pants if they fit. My maternity suit pants were terrible quality and didn’t fit that well other than the one pair I had from Loft that was made out of the same material as Loft’s regular pants at the time.
Betsy says
I mostly wore dresses – I had a few maternity dresses from Gap and Old Navy, but also was able to wear some of my regular dresses that had full enough skirts to fit over the bump. I had a pair of maternity chinos that I wore in the second trimester, but by the third trimester I couldn’t stand anything squeezing my bump.
For swollen feet, my midwife recommended adding a serving of electrolytes once a day, and that helped so much! The swelling was much better, and didn’t bother me again until the last couple week of pregnancy when I wasn’t going to the office anyway.
Anon says
I rented maternity clothes for third trimester! I used Rent the Runway but don’t know if that’s the best option these days. We also had multiple weddings to attend that summer, and it was nice to just rent options. I did buy a couple of cheap flexible items, like maternity pants.
My office is on the formal end of casual (lawyers), so this may be overkill for your office.
Anon says
Currently pregnant with my second and go into a business casual office 2 days a week. I went back to work after my first during the summer and didn’t really have maternity clothes from that pregnancy since I was pregnant during the winter of 2020-21 and wasn’t going into the office, so I had to buy a ton of clothes postpartum. I’ve been able to wear those clothes– which were primarily dresses in a size or two up for most of this pregnancy. For me, shirt dresses with an adjustable tie have been best– I can tie the waist above the bump and still have a shape. I’ve had good luck with the J. Crew Linen Dresses. Anything that is just a straight shift silhouette stopped working for me once I started having an actual bump. Some stuff that is straighter has worked if I can belt it.
Currently at the beginning of the third trimester– some of my dresses still fit. I also have a pencil skirt from Hatch and pants from Hatch that fit. I’ve been wearing both with either a crop or maternity top and a cardigan/blazer/unbuttoned button down shirt depending on the day.
test run says
I was pregnant earlier this year and also had to go in 1-2 times a week – as other have said, I mostly did non-maternity loose dresses/skirts (I bought a jersey pleated midi skirt that I got a lot of wear out of) with loose blazers or cardigans on top. My feet were also swollen so I just wore cute cream colored sneakers. No one wanted to see my feet stuffed into work shoes. I didn’t know about them when I was pregnant, but someone here recommended vertbaudet for kids clothes and they have some cute maternity stuff. I would have worn this basically every time I had to go in with the aforementioned blazer/sweater: https://www.vertbaudet.com/en/ribbed-knit-maternity-dress-black-dark-solid.htm?ProductId=009700353&FiltreCouleur=6559&t=1
Anon says
I am often on here venting/asking for advice on how to deal with my 6 year old twins, one of whom has been prone to evening violent meltdowns. there things happened this week that just made me so proud of her – (1) DH takes them to school and told me that yesterday she saw a kindergartener crying and went up to him and asked if he wanted a hug and told him it would be ok (2) her dance leotard did not arrive on time so she has to wear a tshirt to dance today and she did not have a complete and total meltdown, she was mad, but expressed it appropriately, and (3) last night at bedtime she said she wasn’t ready for bed yet, and sat quietly on the couch in our upstairs den listening to an audio story while i sat in their room to get her sister to bed.
what are your parenting wins as of late?
Anon says
It’s not really a parenting win because I don’t deserve any credit, but I’m just feeling really grateful about what a solid, awesome friend group my first grader has. She is the nucleus (or one of the nucleii anyway) of a large group that includes the core crew from last year’s class, a new bestie from this years class and a few friends from aftercare and activities, and the kids all seem to get along really well and also all seem like kind, responsible kids. We had several birthday parties this past weekend and it was just so nice to see how well all the kids get along. I know she’s still little and we have years of mean girl drama and negative peer pressure ahead of us, but I didn’t really have close friends at this age (I had neighbors I played with, but it wasn’t the same) and it makes me so happy to see her really thriving socially.
Cb says
Oh that is lovely! And I suspect setting the tone now will help reduce the amount of drama in the future.
Anon says
Same, but with my fourth grader. I’m genuinely very pleased about her social situation, and it gives me a lot of comfort. Same with my second grader actually! My kinder kid is not going to be with any friends this year and is missing her two best friends and it’s going to be tough on the flipside.
Anon says
Aw I love to hear that! I hear a lot about how much tougher it will get in a couple years so I’m glad things are still good for your older ones. Hopefully your K-er finds some new pals quickly; it’s still easy at that age.
Cb says
Oh that is lovely! We were in the city on Sunday and saw quite a few people begging on the street and my son asked if we could bring them food. That’s generally not recommended, but he was really upset and wanted to help. And in fortuitious timing, a cycling newsletter I get featured a fundraiser for a charity that is doing amazing work on homelessness. It’s cycling 100 miles over 40 days, and he’s super keen to do it. We called my mum last night and he very nicely asked her to sponsor him, she said “£20 okay?” and he said “Whatever you’d like to give…” The organisation runs a cafe where they do job training, all funds get circled back into meals and housing provisions, so we’re going to go have lunch there as well.
anon says
I was feeling really confident for my 3rd grader this year that she was going to have a great year. She really struggled the past two years with being placed in classes with no friends. It has taken her until February-ish each year to feel like she has friends and is confident raising her hand and participating in the classroom. But after being paired with different kids each year for four years now, I was confident based on statistics that she’d have at least 1-2 friends in her class. She has 15+ girls in her grade (of 4 classrooms) who she would consider a friend. (Her best friend was in her class for K and 1st and those were fabulous, happy years for her.)
Fast forward to yesterday, when she showed up for her first day and found out that her class with 27 students has only 5 girls (3 of whom she knows and actively dislikes) and no friends. All her friends are clumped together in other classes. Now it’s going to be another hard year. I’m sure she will make it through, but she this is a third year in a row of being sad and lonely at school. They assign lunch tables by class so she can’t sit with friends and will only see kids from other classes for a 30 minute recess, and kids from classes tend to clump together because they spend all day together. Hopefully she can make friends with the other girl she doesn’t know yet, but it’s not good. She does get along with a few boys, but it’s just not the same. Not a parenting win–I’m so sad for her and frustrated that they didn’t do a better job of balancing classes.
Anon says
Oof that sounds tough, I’m sorry. Can you try to see some of her friends outside of school?
Anonymous says
That sounds tough! Don’t write off the boys though. One of my similar aged twins has a close friend who is a girl. They bonded over a love of drawing at school.
Anon says
+1 I know several third graders who have close opposite sex friendships.
Anon says
that is super frustrating and i’m so sorry. i’m the OP and at our school it’s the same re lunch and recess. it is hard to only have 30 min a day together. my kids are younger (first grade) so it’s not as big of a deal, but one has 22 kids in her class and I think it is 15 boys and 7 girls. and only one kid in her class is from her class last year. her twin sister on the other hand is with a bestie from last year, and 3 other girls we know from other things. fortunately it was only a thing for like two days as there are a lot of new kids this year. (their grade is very boy heavy. last year one had 16 boys and 9 girls).
Anon says
I’m the 9:51 poster and our school is also the same – lunch where you have to sit with your class and then 30 minute recess with the whole grade.
I didn’t realize having assigned lunch seats was so normal now. I thought our school was weird.
1st day blues says
we’re right there with you. its so hard. last night my 2nd grader was begging to home school. I’m having lots of talks about being open to new friends, how to do that. but man she is just stuck being mad about her friends being in the other class, and how she wants no other friends. Like she’s nit picking the silliest reasons as to why girls in her class cannot be her friends “she has a dumb laugh” “she wears stupid bows in her hair”. no advice, just maybe don’t read the rest of this thread cause it was like a knife rotating in this mom’s heart.
Anonymous says
Are you telling her how mean it is to judge kids by how they laugh or what they wear in their hair?
duh says
yes, of course I am!
anon says
Different age and different situation, but when I started a new school in 6th grade, there was only one other girl in my class, and I mildly disliked her based on former acquaintance. Decades later, she is the only childhood friend I still keep in touch with.
DLC says
This is such a great thread! Thanks for starting it!
My win last week is that I was solo camping with my 7 year old and 5 year old and I could send them to the bathroom together for the first time without me. Normally when I take them camping, I would have had to make them wait until I packed away all the food and put out the campfire so I could go with them, so it was great that they could just go together and I could stay at the camp site – which was just three sites down from the bathroom. (I probably wouldn’t have sent them on their own if we had been a lot farther away.) It also feels like a win because the 7 year old has always been very reluctant to do “older brother” things or look out for his little sister, so it was good to know that he can take care of her if he needs to.
SC says
This morning, when it was time to get dressed for school, my 9 year old started acting out. First, he played a bit of a practical joke on DH, and when DH said DS’s name–with a raised voice but with genuine amusement–Kiddo ran off to his room screaming/fake crying. Later, after DH helped DS settle down enough to get dressed, DS refused to put on his shoes. He was kicking cabinets, pushing the rolling chair into walls, and yelling “I don’t care,” whenever DH tried to talk to him. When DH finally lost his patience and told DS it was time to get his shoes on in a raised, firm voice (but not yelling), DS ran away screaming again.
I went to DS’s room, where he was curled into a ball and whining. I told him that it looked to me like he was trying to provoke his dad until he got in trouble, so he could then run away and not have to get ready. I told him he may not even know that’s why he was acting like that. He looked at me with surprise and understanding and said he didn’t want to go to school. We talked about why he didn’t want to go to school, something that happened yesterday, etc. I calmly explained the consequences for being late because of this behavior and what would eventually happen if he refused to go to school. Ultimately, I convinced him to put on his shoes. He still tried to provoke me by trying to shut his bedroom door on me and then making faces and sticking out his tongue in the hall. I calmly told him to stop and stay on task, and he stopped and got his shoes on. He made it to school after the gates were closed but apparently 1 minute before he was marked tardy.
I’m proud of my ability to stay calm, have a conversation about his feelings, and convince him to get his shoes on and go to school, without reacting to the bratty behavior. And I’m proud of DS for at least engaging in a conversation about his feelings and getting it together, albeit at the very last minute. Also, it’s not completely over–DH and I will have a talk with DS tonight, and there will be consequences for the behavior.
Anon says
go you!
Anon says
This is a great story. I’m learning that so much of parenting is managing our reactions/behavior in order to support kids vs. “managing kids”.
Generally, I really appreciate your updates and stories, SC. I think my youngest kid may be ND, and while every kid is different (ND or NT!) I always look to your stories and tips as sources of solidarity.
AwayEmily says
My 2.5-year-old is potty trained! Much credit goes to people on here for modeling multiple approaches. With my other two kids, we did the “boot camp” style approach and they were 90% there in like four days. With this one, we tried that in June for a week and it was just Not Clicking. So we took a step back and did the “partway” approach for a couple of months — let her use the potty if/when she wanted, were suuuper chill about it, etc. Then recently we had a four-day weekend so went for it again. And she got it IMMEDIATELY. Zero drama, only a couple of accidents, and she’s doing great at daycare. Anyway, I feel like hearing all the varied roads to success with potty training on this site made me SO much more able to listen to my gut on how to handle it.
TheElms says
Yay! We are going to do the bootcamp method Labor Day weekend with our 2.5 year old who sometimes sits on the potty but hasn’t managed to pee in the potty yet and sometimes runs away screaming no, no, no and wanting nothing to do with the potty. I’m trying to be optimistic but I feel like we just entered a defiant phase and this could be hard.
Anonymous says
Here’s, I hope, an interesting question. Looking back, what were the signs that your partner was going to be an equal parent? What were the red flags that they were not going to do their part?
Anon says
That is an interesting question! So my husband didn’t know how to turn on an oven when we met (in his defense he was 24 and living in university housing for grad school, so still not quite a fully-formed adult) and some women probably would have considered that a huge red flag, but I saw it more as a failure of his parents than a reflection of his personality. I made it pretty clear from day one that I expected us to share household labor equally, and he was always open to that and very amenable to doing household tasks. I did do some teaching in the early days but he was always really eager to learn and participate and just seemed like he wanted to do everything equally. He defies a lot of stereotypes – he didn’t have chores as a kid, and he had a working mother who also did 100% of the household labor, which might suggest he would expect the same division of labor in his own family, but he never had that attitude. With respect to parenting specifically, he wanted us both to get up at every night waking, even when I was on leave and he was working, and he wanted to take a long paternity leave after my leave ended. I think those were the first clear signs post-baby that he intended to be equal or even primary parent.
A friend is married to a terrible, terrible man who doesn’t lift a finger for their house or kids. I remember once when she was pregnant with their second child and their first child was 3 and she shared that having a second child was “such a good idea” because she had terrible morning sickness while pregnant and her husband was forced to spend 30 minutes a day (not consecutively) with the oldest child while she was vomiting and cleaning up. I was gobsmacked because my husband has always voluntarily spent at least 30 minutes a day with his kids. I hated that guy from the moment I met him and he made really weird and inappropriate comments that (while directly related to parenting or household labor) made it clear he was the kind of man who wanted his wife barefoot, pregnant and waiting on him. I think she only married him because she felt like she was running out of time to have biological children. It’s a sad situation.
Anonymous says
My husband also didn’t know how to turn on an oven when I met him. To be fair, we were early 20s, living abroad and the oven had weird symbols and no words, and it took me some trial and error to figure it out, too. But the first time I baked some frozen toquitos, he was amazed how much better it was than a microwave, said “ovens do this?!” and never looked back. Now he cooks at least half the time, he is probably a better cook than I am.
To the original question, though, my husband’s parents were small business owners and he watched both of them working hard on that. In his telling, neither of them was very involved in his upbringing, he was mostly raised by grandparents…and he wanted to be different. I had a very involved mother and lots of opportunities to indulge my interests growing up, and my husband always kind of commented on how different that was from his experience in an envious/admiring way. He is really all-in on the kids, and has always been an equal partner in caring for them…he probably does more fun stuff with them than I do, and coaches sports teams, etc. I do more housework, but he does a fair share of it (I just have higher standards and it’s more important to me).
Anon2 says
Pay attention to how their family of origin functions. My FIL is a super hard worker, including in the home, and so my husband had that modeled for him. He also already had nieces and nephews and was great with them, so I knew he related to kids and didn’t mind caring for them (he had babysat neighbors and worked in a sports club childcare room as a teenager, too).
Cb says
Fairly early on, we met my husband’s cousins and her very young kids, and the fact that the kids were obsessed with him did really solidify my confidence.
Anon says
I just commented above, but my husband is a total 180 from his parents.
Anon2 says
Adding, when we visited his family (and my family) my husband pitched in to help his parents around the house, set and clear the table, etc. So in addition to his father being an equal partner, I could see my husband actively helping with the workload, too, and taking initiative rather than being asked
GCA says
+1 to this. DH and all five of his siblings generally pitch in at home, it’s how they were raised. Their mom stayed home, but if one parent cooked dinner, the other cleaned up, kids set the table and swept the floor afterwards, etc.
Anon. says
Can we amend slightly to – watch how your partner operates within the family of origin. My FIL literally cannot boil water and would probably struggle to make himself a sandwich because his mother believed that men did not belong in the kitchen and refused to teach her boys these things. My MIL felt very differently and my husband and his brother are both more than competent in the kitchen. My husband in fact recalls a fight between his mother and grandmother after grandma “caught” his mother teaching him how to cook.
Also, my husband was in a fraternity that had mandatory cleaning responsibilities for all members, particularly freshmen. He has cleaned far more bathrooms than me and maintains a much higher standard of cleanliness in that regard. He was a competent adult before we lived together and remains that way.
Cb says
I wouldn’t say we are perfect – I do much more of the emotional parenting (there is neurodiversity at play here as well), my husband does more physical parenting, but we’re pretty happy with where we are. I had very high standards – my dad was a SAHP for a year in the 80s when this was not a thing men did, and was there to chaperone every field trip and honour roll assembly. He was never ashamed of doing stereotypically feminine jobs, and would compete with the neighbours on coupon cutting. When I had my son, my dad moved across the world to be my nanny for 6 months. So I think for me it was normalised that dads would be equally involved with their kids and this was a criteria in my mind when I met my husband.
I think, like my dad, my husband wears his masculinity really lightly. It’s not something that he needs to defend or assert, it just is. He would have no compunction about carrying my heavy purse or buying sanitary products because that would be an act of caring for his family. His understanding of what it means to be a man is very much caring for his partner and child, and not in a “defend my clan” way, but in a “home is where my attention and care is centred”. He doesn’t know as much as I do though about kids, etc and so we’ve had to navigate the gaps in his knowledge.
Anon says
Interesting question. Generally, my husband is supportive of my career and wanted me to continue after kids, which I don’t take as a given because my ex really wasn’t. He treats me as an equal, we are aligned on key values, and we both equally wanted kids, so it wasn’t a case of me pushing for them. His mom was a SAHM and there definitely was a learning curve in terms of him developing the reflex to do certain things automatically. He still does not cook anything other than grilled cheese sandwiches, which can be frustrating. But he is very loving and involved with our daughter, and we have enough open communication that I can tell him hey I need you to do more on XYZ front and he will take it to heart. I definitely feel like the mental load is on me and that’s annoying, but it is what it is.
Anonymous says
I have two answers. First, my husband’s inherent competitiveness and work ethic. He just doesn’t let people outwork him. It’s true at work and it’s true at home. He’s not competitive against me (mostly – I do think he was proud to be the magic baby whisperer between the two of us, although he got humbled a bit by the toddler stage!), but he sees us as teammates, and he would be appalled to ever let the side down.
Second, and this is maybe a little sappy – the way that he loves me. It didn’t surprise me when my husband prioritized my rest and recovery after birth, for example, because he had put me first many times before.
Anon says
My husband is the second oldest cousin (and oldest male) in a huge family. He grew up babysitting his younger siblings and cousins, and was one of the go-to babysitters until he moved cross-country for grad school. I wouldn’t say he’s an equal parent; he’s the superior parent. He’s a phenomenal dad.
One of our big goals with our kids is to have them have the opportunity to take care of younger kids (in age appropriate ways). Whether they have kids or not, it’s a skillset my parents didn’t give me, and I wish I’d had more experience so I’d been more comfortable with my friend’s kids (and more confident with my own).
Anon says
Oh, also, he was a camp counselor! I think that is a major green flag for “going to be great with kids and very joyfully involved in every part of the process.”
GCA says
Yeah, DH’s youngest sibling is about 8 years younger so when we had our first baby he was actually slightly more competent at diaper-changing and baby-care than I was. (My sister is 3 years younger than I am, and even in the 80s no one let a 3yo pin a cloth diaper on a baby, lol.)
Anon says
My husband was also a camp counselor!
Anonymous says
Signs he would be an equal parent – early support for my career including moving cities to support mine at the temporary expense of his, plus open admiration for friends that took advantage of parental leave. He took as much parental leave (including some unpaid leave) both times after I went back to work.
Red flags I missed – from early on I was often the organizer and planner for anything that was more than a week or two in the future. He’s great about taking initiative around short term plans and keeping physically active but that initiative does not translate to solid mid to long term planning. Not an issue when we were DINK but really challenging when we are balancing our respective aging parents and kids. More people means more planning on schedules, vacations, finances, everything. It’s what most of our arguments are about. If I was dating again, I would be more attune to initiative and leadership in the mid to long term like retirement savings etc. If I was early marriage and DINK, I would push for more express discussions about planning and division of tasks to build that habit. It’s not a deal breaker but it is exhausting.
Anon says
I think it comes down to whether your partner is committed to making your life easier or whether he’s OK with making it harder. My best friend’s husband never, and I do mean never, takes a single unprompted step to make her life easier. He regularly leaves dirty dishes in the sink, leaves all the unsavory chores for her even if she’s having a tough week at work, doesn’t hesitate to make his own plans out of the house with no thought of childcare, etc. He is completely OK with making more work for her and making her day worse; he certainly doesn’t lose any sleep over it.
I once watched a reel from a well-known Olympic athlete who was describing her tips for traveling with a baby. Towards the end of the clip, she mentioned that when she or her husband get home from a solo trip, they don’t “keep score” on how many hours/nights the traveling parent now needs to “make up” on childcare. Instead, they’re happy to see each other and stick with their usual routine, with some changes if one person is truly exhausted. That resonated with me as a really healthy way to look at things. Isn’t it so much better to come home from a business trip and NOT have your partner immediately hand you the toddler with “your turn!” before disappearing?
Anon says
On the trip point, I think that works if you travel a similar amount. My husband does 100% of the work travel in our house, and he does a lot, so it wouldn’t feel very fair to me if he didn’t compensate by giving me the chance for a solo trip or a break at home once in a while. I don’t count exact number of hours he needs to make up or anything, that’s way too bean count-y, but it wouldn’t feel balanced to me if he did a ton of work travel and I never had any opportunity for a break from parenting and household responsibilities.
Anon says
She wasn’t saying the at-home parent doesn’t get a break, but more that it’s not “OK, you were traveling for three days and nights so now you’re on bedtime for three days and nights.” It would be more like “yay you’re home! how about you do bedtime so I can have a break tonight and I’ll go start dinner?” Just working together to get things done.
Anonymous says
It’s so situational though. One child is easy but when we had 3 under 4 there were definitely times that DH was gone for a week that I did not sleep more than 3 hours in a row any night of the week so I definitely needed to catch up on sleep when he got back.
Anon says
We don’t keep score like that, but I wouldn’t judge someone who does. It’s one thing with older kids, but with kids under 5, it’s really tough to be the parent holding down the fort all the time.
Anon says
I’m the parent who is home while DH works/travels, and I 100% agree. For him at least, his work/work travel is nonstop when he does it, just like me working/solo parenting is. I know other families work differently when it comes to this, and that is okay, too.
Anonymous says
Interesting! In retrospect it was a good sign that he saw it as his responsibility to buy presents for his nieces and nephews, and not something to just hand off to me. We are very much equal partners with day to day kid stuff. That said, like most women I take on more of the administrative burden although I asked him to do the aftercare sign-ups, and yesterday on the way to pick up the kids he mentioned he “hadn’t read all those emails.” Ummmm well I haven’t been getting them, so sure hope there isn’t something important in there! At that point he offered to forward them to me, but then saw the look on my face and said never mind, he would just read them. Sooooo all that’s to say it’s constantly a work in progress.
Anonymous says
I agree with all the comments regarding prior experience with children as a good sign. My husband is a confident person who’s succeeded in life with little effort. I think he genuinely believed that he would rise to the challenge and be an excellent dad, but he had no idea what was taking on. It’s been a steep and humbling learning curve for him.
If I was dating someone whose friend group had already started to have kids, I would also look at how involved his guy friends are in raising their children. Birds of a feather tend to choose to flock together.
anon says
I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 19, and he immediately started taking care of me – cooking for me, offering to drive me to an internship that I would otherwise have had to take two buses to, and planning dates (making reservations, buying tickets).
I also noticed very early on that when I went home with him for e.g. Christmas, he would set and clear the table, offer to help his mom with the Christmas decorations, take responsibility for making a meal, switch the laundry (not just his laundry) from the washing machine to the dryer.
I figured if he was that proactive and thoughtful as a 19 year old, he’d probably only improve with age – and he did.
Anonymous says
In our case there were lots of good signs, and DH is indeed a very supportive partner, but there are structural reasons it’s hard. A few of the good signs, from what I remember:
*His mom is very entrepreneurial and found lots of ways to work/ generate income when he was a kid
*He loved being an uncle to his nieces and nephews
*He was always proud of me and the work I do
*He was happily willing to go out of his way for people in my family, like my sister, who was struggling for a while
I would definitely describe him as supportive and involved, etc. But then there’s the reality of it: His income is 5X my income, and he has a highly competitive C-suite job very little flexibility. Plus he can’t cook to save his life.He does his best and loves spending time with the kids, but I am very much the primary parent.
Boston Legal Eagle says
He’s very much a type B to my type A personality (though I think I’ve calmed a bit). He does 95% of the cooking (I can turn the oven on but I’m not as comfortable in the kitchen). Unlike a lot of men, he doesn’t define himself by his job (again, that’s more me). He happily took his leaves after mine. Funny enough he grew up in a traditional home with a working dad and SAHM, but they’re also divorced and their personalities don’t match his. My dad worked a lot but also had a more flexible schedule so would be the one with me during the day or driving me places and my mom is not at all a homemaker, so I didn’t grow up with defined gender roles.
Anon says
My husband had young nieces and nephews when we were dating which was a huge green flag- both his interactions with them and being able to see/reflect/discuss his siblings’ parenting styles. He had a lot of admiration for the hands on dad and less for the non-equal partner dad.
That being said, it’s so hard to know what it’ll be like until you’re in it. We have 2 under 3 and he’s open about how stressful he finds solo parenting both of them to be (and has a lot of disappointment in himself around that). He’s a little bit more of a Disney Dad than I think either of us were expecting pre-kids.
Anon says
I don’t think my husband does an equal share of the parenting, and in retrospect, I don’t think that it’s incredibly surprising, based on his career and general approach towards life (he works in the trades and assumes a fairly traditional “men do the house maintenance, women do the childcare” kind of plan). His mother was a SAHM while his dad was blue collar too, and I think it’s been really hard for him to kind of recognize that maybe that allocation of responsibilities is not fair when you have two working parents. Also, he’s not the kind of person to notice someone cleaning up in the other room and offer to help – he’s perfectly willing to do it if you ask for assistance, but he’s got that “Just tell me if you want me to do something” attitude that drives me crazy sometimes. That being said, he’s miles and miles better than his father who I don’t think has changed any of grandkid’s diapers, despite watching them 2-3x week.
Anonymous says
As someone said below, my husband is hard working and competitive at work and in his hobbies. This also applies to his parenting – he cares about being a good parent and works hard at it/is competitive at it.
Also, his friends are equal parents and care about being good parents. I honestly think this is the biggest thing. The shared values with his friends are important. It’s not like his friends are all golfing 12 hours a day all weekend and that’s what he also expects to do. They have a text chain where they discuss parenting things the way I’ve only ever seen other moms do – what kind of bottles to use, toy recommendations, toddler friendly recipes, baby friendly vacations, stroller tips, how to pack for a day trip, sleep tips, etc.
Anon says
My charming, smart, funny, generous DH was /(is, now in recovery) an alcoholic. It was impossible to co-parent before he got sober – unsafe to have him drive for afternoon school pickups, actively sick and hungover for the first several days of any vacation where he couldn’t be drinking alone at the office all day, would forget conversations we’d had or things he’d promised to do.
He’s sober now and still struggles with the mental health issues that he was compensating for with alcohol, but he’s a much better partner now (though we’re not equal partners.) I love him, love our kids, love who we are as a family … but wouldn’t make a choice to marry an alcoholic if I had to do it over again. He was another kid to manage.
Anon says
This is a very nuanced question for me. When DH and I started dating I was 100% wanting kids, he was not, he ended up changing his mind, but it wasn’t without some very hard conversations/considerations. I was in my mid/late 20s when we got together so wasn’t thinking “is this person going to be a good father?” – maybe I should have. Never even thought about talking about division of labor and all of that good stuff.
Things I did note about him, though was because he was raised by a single mom he knew how to run/manage a household – he was not a man child, took pride in his apartment, had good routines about groceries, laundry, etc. – at a time where many of the guys I knew absolutely did not. He was kind. Affectionate. Loved his niece dearly. Close with his Mom.
Things I could have thought about – his Dad wasn’t really in the picture for huge chunks of time as he grew up (that has changed now), and that’s definitely been something he’s had to navigate as a father. Lots of other instability, too with parents’ partners coming/going, re-marriages, etc. He’s had to learn/unlearn from a lot of this, and continues on his journey.
Also DH started in BigLaw as a senior associate around the time our first kid was born – despite both having gone to law school, we didn’t fully appreciate what that meant for our family in terms of his availability.
Anonymous says
Another question I thought was interesting- how much/far do you push your kids to try things they are scared of? My kids are fairly fearless (and I participate in what is a considered a daredevil sport, so they come by it pretty naturally) so we don’t usually have to. But they were visiting with cousins, and neither my husband or I are fans of my SIL because she is extremely picky about her comfort and just very difficult to be with because she’s fussy about food, temperature, environment, smells, literally everything, and complains a lot. Her daughter, like her, is also growing up to be someone who is scared to try new things or go out of her comfort zone, and it bothered my husband that his niece seemed almost proud of refusing to try something new on the playground instead of embarrassed or ashamed. While I don’t think you want kids to feel bad about being scared, it seems like a hard line to walk in terms of pushing them outside their comfort zone. And frankly we usually don’t, because our kids comfort zones usually match up with ours, lol, if not needing to be reigned in. Curious how other people handle it.
Anon says
Hobbies in the outdoors and getting out of the comfort zone are important values to me. We’re due with our first and I’m making plans for camping and other outdoor trips that will entail a lot of hands-on time in the dirt from a young age. Everyone’s allowed to value different things, but our approach to parenting will absolutely include time taking risks and pushing ourselves.
Anon says
We camped with kids starting with a PnP in our tent, so our kids can’t remember not being outdoors and camping. It’s never been a fear of theirs because of that early exposure.
We have our first full backpacking trip this weekend with an 8 and 11 yo. Three nights and 20+ miles. I can’t wait.
Anon says
That sounds awesome – have a great time!!
Anon says
My kid is not shy or uncomfortable with new people but is very cautious and often fearful of new activities, especially anything involving physical activity. Our general approach is that we push things that are essential life skills, so for example we eventually made her take swimming lessons when she didn’t want to, but we don’t push her to do optional things like a big slide on the playground. Fwiw, not sure how old your niece is but I think a lot of kids are cautious toddlers and preschoolers and grow up to be fairly normal. My daughter was terrified of the big slides at the playground until she was like 4, but now at 6 she does everything except daredevil stuff like jumping off play structures and doesn’t seem abnormally cautious.
Anonymous says
Agree – I think most kids develop risk taking on their own timeline, much like any other skill. That said, we push our child to try things that we’re pretty confident she will love even if she is hesitant. So far, we’re nearly always right ;). I have a thing about it, though, because I feel like my parents didn’t push me in that way, and I think I missed out on some stuff.
Anon says
Yeah, I think we would do the same if there was something we thought our kid would enjoy and was missing out on by not doing. We haven’t really been in that situation. I don’t think waiting a year or two to do something at the playground matters much though.
Anon says
I don’t go out of our way to make our kids overly comfortable…you can kind of tell if it’s a need or a preference for your particular child (temperature, food choice, etc) and we don’t bend over backwards for preferences. We also don’t “help” our kids do things they aren’t prepared for, which fosters their own motivation to figure it out. An easy example is we don’t put our kids at the top of the slide as babies and toddlers; if they want to slide, they have to work learning how to climb the ladder. Getting them water, making them a snack, etc…if I’m up and available I’ll do it, but if not, they can wait or do it themselves. I’m definitely not the type to curate experiences to suit a child’s whim, or travel everywhere with snacks. Boredom and temporary physical discomfort are good, in my opinion.
As far as activities, we generally let them lead. I push in cases where the activity is one I have deemed important based on our family values or to address a particular need with the child (for example, I signed them up to try karate because I knew it would challenge them mentally and physically, and help with self-control, and I have feisty boys. After a couple years I’ll give them the option to stop if they want.) I don’t push simply for the sake of “improving them” or to keep up with the Joneses. I speak confidence into them and affirm that I believe they’ll do it when they are ready.
Anon says
I push my kids outside their comfort zone, but I recognize that they have defined what’s comfortable. My four year old is anxious about physical dangers—he doesn’t love jumping, climbing new play structures, trying new activities without parents. He’s starting swim lessons without parents next week and I’m both excited for him and dreading the tears. My one year old is a risk taker—she tries to climb and jump from the very play structures that the four year old refuses! They have different temperaments and tolerances for risks and fear, so I have to push proportional to their comfort zone. I share this because I think kids learn fear and risk tolerance from their parents, but also they have internal guideposts.
For the niece, I wonder if she is a little ashamed? I am a natural athlete, but had a very hard time with tennis. For years as a kid and teen, I acted proud that I didn’t play tennis because I couldn’t admit my shame that I was terrible!
Spirograph says
We nudge. It’s so personality dependent, though. I have 3 kids; all of them have better-than-average strength and coordination for their age, and a very competitive streak. One is a raging extrovert with flagrant disregard for his own safety, one is extremely cautious and a little shy (but very athletic, so once he gets some confidence, he’s full steam ahead), and one somewhere in the middle. They’re all typically game to physically try anything that is reasonably safe (and then turn it into a race/contest) so the things we push on mostly are trying new foods and making appropriate social overtures to new people or willingly entering unfamiliar situations. Little stuff like prompting them to go play with kids they don’t know, or to ask questions at a museum, make introductions between friends & adults, order at restaurants. I think just practicing going a tiny bit outside your comfort zone, consistently, makes other challenges a little less scary and also builds muscle memory about things you “should” do anyway.
My husband and I both think it’s important to be able to act like you belong somewhere…not that you have to be perfect, but don’t deer-in-headlights or refuse to engage unless the situation is dangerous (in which case, GTFO). So that’s the angle we take with our kids: If you’re lucky, you’ll go lots of places, meet lots of people, and have lots of different experiences…that’s what makes life interesting. To enjoy it, you have to be willing to try, and to be open to new people and new things. Watch, then jump in, or ask for help if you need it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My kids are opposites in this sense – older kid is fearless, outgoing and takes to group activities. He’s the life of the party type that doesn’t slow down (which is hard at home and in a more subdued classroom). While younger kid is good at doing quiet activities and generally sitting still, we’ve had to push him a few times to try new things because he would initially refuse new situations. Swimming was non negotiable, and now he loves it. TBD on how he’ll do with team sports, but we’re having him try and see how it goes. As long as he finds some physical activity that he likes, we’re fine. I am going to try ski lessons for him this winter. Older kid took to these quickly, and I enjoy it, but it’s not essential and he can hang with my homebody husband in the lodge!
Both are picky eaters and we encourage but don’t force new foods at this time (kids are measuring average/above average).
Anon says
Really interesting thought exercise. My step mother in law is a Prim and Proper Southern Lady, who raised a Prim and Proper Southern Lady, who is raising a Prim and Proper Southern Lady. They do tend to like things to be “just so” — food must be visually appealing and perfectly cooked or they will not eat it, they are not jumping in a pool and getting their hair wet, full set of make-up on first thing in the morning, etc. On one hand, they are a lovely group of ladies who always look wonderful, on the other, I do see how it limits their exposure and experiences. For instance, we rented a mountain house for a family reunion, and there was a little lake behind it. My step sister was like, absolutely not, I will not be jumping in that gross body of water, so her daughter pretty quickly followed suit with similar disgust at the idea of jumping in. I do think my niece felt a little left out when all the cousins were swimming, but she and her mom had put a line in the sand that it was “gross” so she wouldn’t go in.
Generally (and in part by watching the dynamic where my niece often won’t do an experience or eat something if her mom won’t do it or is mildly disgusted at it, play out with my niece who is older than my kids), my approach has been to cultivate a “go for it” attitude with my kids. I’ve found if *I* am willing to try something and/or don’t write it off as gross or bad, then my kids are much more likely to do it. My mother in law always comments that my family seems like all the same things, and really enjoy doing stuff together. But I think her daughter has really turned off her kid (my niece) by being unwilling to get her hands dirty, so to speak, so it has limited the activities she will do, while her brother (my nephew) and her dad (my step brother in law) have no problem trying stuff out.
But, my youngest has been an interesting challenge for me. My two older kids are athletically gifted, competitive, and fearless. My older kids rock climb, jump into any body of water, hike, swim, and basically attack life with physical gusto. There are very few sports that they can’t jump in and do well, with very little guidance or instruction (even the one who didn’t pick sports as her preferred extracurricular, it’s voice). I never had to push them to do anything physically; I was usually just putting some restrictions in place for safety. My youngest son has just always been a late bloomer physically, and is just afraid, a lot, of things. He won’t get on a bike, he doesn’t want to swim, he’s hated any organized sport he’s ever tried, etc. I’ve found if I don’t push him, but just cultivate an environment where he is comfortable and can try something at his own speed, he will eventually try it (like, we went to the pool for the entire summer, and he jumped in last week for the first time)….but I will admit it is sometimes hard not to want to push him a bit. He’s been a great lesson in being reminded to sloooooow down.
GCA says
My youngest (age 6) is like yours. We are very much into trying new experiences, whether that’s new foods, doing something slightly scary outdoors, etc -she is just naturally a little more cautious than her brother. Agree that exposure plus a bit of friendly / positive peer pressure helps. She has come round to a lot of activities at her own pace. After a whole summer of ‘no I don’t want to try riding my bike’, this past weekend we went on a family bike ride to a diner for brunch and she sang the whole way. (“Hello, sunflowers! Hello, fairy garden! Giddyup, unicorn!”) Also, lean in to their strengths – my kid has an imagination that is basically from another planet so we lean in to that when encouraging her to do something new.
Anon says
This is actually really great to hear. Has your daughter warmed to any group activities? I’m not really sure how to proceed with my son here. I feel a little guilty, as it seems like he’s the third kid who isn’t getting to do any activities — but really, it’s that he doesn’t have anything he really likes doing or wants to do (he’ll go to one or two classes – like t ball or soccer or art), and then kind of get sick of it after a few minutes and sit down by me until it’s over. Both of my older kids did lots of activities, and just sort of honed their interest over time — one went the arty direction, the other went the sporty direction. I’m just not sure what to do with a kid who doesn’t seem invested in any direction. He does have a wild imagination and will play pretend for hours by himself. No signs of ND that any pediatrician or teacher has flagged, just seems to be an introverted, quiet kid. As a sporty extrovert, I’m doing my best to meet him where he is, but it feels … wrong? somehow that he didn’t want to sign up for any fall classes or activities (he is 6).
Anon says
Clarifying, not that there is anything wrong with him, but like am *I* doing it wrong that I didn’t sign him up for anything, like should I be pushing a little bit more or giving him an opportunity to try an activity again and see if it clicks?
Anonymous says
If he’s an introvert, he’s probably getting enough activities and socializing at school and what he really needs is some time for solo imagination play. Thats what I needed as a kid.Especially if he just started school, which is a whole lot of new social, even if he’s done preschool.
I think it sounds like he’s happy for now. I’d suggest just give him options to do things now and then (maybe one off activities rather than a longer commitment) and he’ll take you up on something if/when he has the mental/social capacity.
Anon says
+1 to the 2:44 poster. Also maybe theater? My 6 year old girl who is huge into pretend play (can do alone or with friends for hours) loves that. But yes, nothing wrong with needing downtime at home. My daughter is very outgoing and social but also really needs alone time for imaginative play. I think she’s either a very social introvert or an introvert-extrovert hybrid.
Anon says
Thanks to both of you for the vote of encouragement and reassurance. My BFF was a third kid who was never “allowed” to do her own activities – she had to tag along with whatever her older siblings had already picked, and has always talked about how it was tough on her not to cultivate her own interests. So I swore my third would be able to do whatever activity he wanted, regardless of convenience — feels like the universe is laughing at me that my sweet son is like, nothing. I want none of the things. Theater is on the list for next year, though :) We have a nice theater down the road, but he can’t start until he’s 7.
Anon says
It’s good you’re thinking about it proactively to make sure the third gets the same opportunities as the first two, but there’s a huge difference between not wanting to do any activities and not being allowed to. I hope theater is a success! My daughter just started this fall at 6.5 and absolutely loves it — I think this may be her “thing.”
GCA says
Ah – DD will do activities *if her friends are there*. So gymnastics if her friend E is doing them, soccer if G is there, etc. Swim is non-negotiable for safety, but she actually likes it and does quite well (she takes after me and is not a natural athlete).
I will add that you might not need to worry too much about getting a 6yo into activities right away. My older kid started K in fall 2020 when there were hardly any classes or activities to be had, but he took to soccer and judo later!
Anon says
I have one kid who is like a crash test dummy. Nothing scares her and she’s always the first one with her hand in the air to volunteer. She thrives with risk and intensity.
My other kid has lots of anxiety over trying new things, even pretty basic things that most wouldn’t consider to be scary. I do push her when I think its an activity that she’ll like. My experience has been that she usually ends up loving the activity that she thought would be scary. So now I’ll talk about past examples of her liking things she initially found scary, give reasons why i think she’ll also like this activity, and let her known that if she doesn’t like it she never has to do it again. That’s usually enough to get her to agree to try. I don’t want her to be a victim of anxiety and the best way to overcome it is to keep practicing trying new things.
Anon says
My kids (7 and 5) are quite reserved. The oldest especially would opt out of many activities if given the option. So I do push them into new activities and it becomes exposure therapy in a sense.
She didn’t love soccer her first season. She participated but probably would’ve opted to quit mid season if I allowed it. I signed her up for her second season this year. She was lukewarm on the idea but I said try a second season and she doesn’t have to do a third if she doesn’t want to. The second season started and she loves it this year.
So I try not to overpower her to the point of tears but she likely would rarely leave her comfort zone without some cajoling and so I put pressure in what I feel are reasonable ways.
Anon says
I (36) am currently on a birth control but my husband got a vasectomy in the spring, so I could technically stop the pill. Right now, I take the pill every day so I don’t ever get a period, which I love, especially in the summer. Besides not having to worry about taking the pill on a daily basis, what are the upsides to discontinuing? I have my annual in a couple weeks, so I will discuss it with her, but wanted to get some perspective beforehand.
Cb says
I had an IUD for 5 years and swapped to the mini pill because of very heavy bleeding and it really impacted my moods in ways I didn’t fully appreciate until the dopey doctor’s surgery forgot to call in my prescription. Like I thought I needed a divorce? And it was just the hormones. I’d prefer to be on the pill if it didn’t wreck me, because I think it would easy that perimenopause transition, but not if it leaves me hating everyone.
Anon says
I have zero sex drive while on the pill. It came back 100% after stopping.
Anonymous says
I am 40 and staying on the pill indefinitely because I love not ever getting a period (left to its own devices, my body treats me to 3-week cycles with 7-day periods, it’s not fun), but another bonus is that there’s some evidence that combination pills have a positive impact on bone health and I have a strong family history of osteoporosis.
Anon says
Your menstrual cycle provides a lot of clues to your overall health. It’s been referred to by some medical profs as “the fifth vital sign.” So, allowing yours to come back could give you information in that regard. I’ve been tracking my cycle as my family planning method for nearly a decade now, and it is so interesting to me how I can read my body’s signals, how energy levels and other things correspond with certain times of the month, how I can interpret if hormones are out of whack, etc.
Aside from that, low libido and depression/anxiety have been linked to the pill, so if any of that applies to you then you may see improvement with stopping (I did)
Anon says
+1. I tried hormonal birth control in college and reacted badly to it, and haven’t taken it since, so I may be a little biased here but it’s hard for me to imagine not having a natural cycle and all the info about my body and health it provides. And I’m not crunchy at all in general.
Anon says
We (collectively, as a society) do our kids a huge disservice by not teaching them how to track cycles on a basic level. And so many doctors recommend the pill for irregularities instead of diving deeper. (I know it is an important option, but often it’s presented as the only option!)
I was listening to a podcast hosted by two incredibly feminist, women-affirming, intelligent hosts and they mentioned they recently heard the term “luteal phase” for the first time, and also didn’t bother to look up what it was because they defined it on air incorrectly. I was shocked!
The luteal phase is the time between ovulation and the start of your next period, and the length/quality of it (do you have spotting, is it too short, what is your mental state, etc) gives lots of important information as to your hormone levels. Many reproductive and general health challenges could be addressed sooner and easier if women had this basic knowledge from the start.
Anonymous says
I don’t see if providing me with any health information whatsoever
Anon says
Oh it can give you a lot of health info. Just one example – you normally know you’re in early perimenopause when your cycles start shortening. That happened several years before any other peri symptoms for me.
Heaviness and timing of cycles can also be clues to issues like endometriosis, ovarian cysts, PCOS etc.
Anon says
Asking honestly: are you familiar with the phases of your cycle and how hormones should rise and fall? If not, you won’t be able to glean information. But if you are, the length of your cycle, whether you are ovulating, where ovulation occurs in the cycle, the length and quality of your bleed, whether you spot, your energy levels and mental health throughout the month, etc all mean something. If you haven’t noticed anything, hopefully that means everything is going smoothly!
Anon says
I had light periods my whole life, but now in my 40s, they are much heavier and unpredictable. My moods are directly linked to where I am in my cycle, so much so that certain discharge (type and amount) gives me a heads up on how I’m going to be feeling (low key ragey during ovulation, super sad and weepy immediately before my period, and my workouts are just freaking awesome in the first week after my period). The heavier the discharge, the more intense the feeling, so I can usually take steps to feel better as I have a heads up it’s going to be a tough few days.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, I noticed this as well. My husband got snipped ~2 years ago and so I got off the pill for the first time in like 20 years. It’s been so fascinating to basically re-learn my body’s signals with regard to my cycle. I do feel somewhat more “in tune” with my body, tho I’m sure this varies a ton by person.
That being said, having a period is indeed pretty annoying.
GCA says
I only ever had the combined oral birth control pill for about a decade in my early 20s. I found there were pros and cons. On one hand, the emotional lows and mood swings were less pronounced. On the other hand, I felt just a bit ‘flatter’ emotionally. I’ve spent about a decade off hormonal birth control now and feel like I have a much better understanding of the norms of my own hormonal cycle. (For instance, I nearly always have hormonal acne around ovulation. Or, running feels great right after my period begins, but running the week before my period is literally a hot mess.)
Anonymous says
I feel gross on the pill (have tried several). So my upside is not feeling gross. But I know that isn’t everyone’s experience.
Anon says
I had a TIA (mini stroke) so I will never be on the pill. It increases your stroke risk. It’s definitely something I’m going to keep an eye on for my daughters too.
Anon says
I’m sorry you experienced this.
It’s important for women to understand that the safety of hormonal contraceptives was originally measured against pregnancy, not against neither being pregnant nor on the pill. A lot of things are safer than pregnancy but still pretty risky!
New Here says
I need help with making mornings with my 4.5 year old daughter less of a battle.
We need to leave at 8:30 a.m. for school drop off. She generally wakes up any time between 6-6:30 (she has always been an early bird).
Our basic rule is – have breakfast, get completely ready for school, then you can watch a little tv. Most days this works.
There are some days – like today -where it is a complete showdown, lots of yelling (from both parents, from her) and lots of resisting to do anything.
She wanted to brush her hair herself – that is fine. But she was doing it for 15 minutes. Then she got mad/upset that I picked out her outfit (because we were running out of time and needed to get this show on the row). Complete meltdown/tantrum with lots of kicking. Note that we TRIED to let her pick her outfit out, she just wouldn’t because she insisted she wasn’t done with her hair.
We get in the car and on the way school, she says she was upset because “I wanted to make my hair pretty by myself” and I explained that she did a good job, but we needed to get out the door so that is why I helped her finish everything.
I’ve thought about some sort of visual routine chart? Any suggestions?
Anon says
I think this is pretty normal and to a large extent just something you need to power through. A visual chart can’t hurt, but it sounds like the real issue isn’t knowing the steps of what to do, it’s taking too long to each thing, and I’m not sure it would help with that problem.
We change into the next day’s clothes the night before. I know some people aren’t comfortable with that from a hygiene perspective, but if you are, that helps cut down on the morning routine and gives the child a chance to control part of their routine at a time when you’re not in a hurry.
New Here says
I kinda figure that may be it. Not every day is a battle like this morning, but she is in the habit of being silly and running around when GIRL I JUST NEED YOU TO PUT PANTS ON.
Spirograph says
lol, I remember this phase, so first let me assure you it is a phase and will get at least a little better.
Second… a routine chart is OK, but not a magic bullet. I have good luck with setting alarms on my phone that go off every 10 min or so, and each time checking whether the kids have done X yet and reminding them they need to get XYZ done before the timer goes off again. My ADHD kids are a little time blind, so the audio reminders that time is passing help.
Anon says
we always pick out clothes the night before and put on clothes before doing hair. what was she doing for the 2 hours today? like if she had breakfast from 6:30-7, what was she doing from 7-8:30? was she playing and got distracted?
New Here says
Mornings are typically –
Wake-up & snuggle/talk (I’m up at 6 every day in an attempt to get some solo time)
Breakfast, talk to her grandparents on Facetime
Then we try and start getting ready, but she will sometimes start playing and get distracted. At the same time, if it is a day I’m going into the office, I’m trying to get myself ready. My husband will pack lunch and also try to corral her into getting ready.
Once we’re ready, like I said before, if there is time left, she can have some screentime.
Anonymous says
It sounds like you’re leaving her to get ready on her own? I don’t think most kids her age can do that. I’d recommend trying to find a routine with your husband where you can switch off getting ready and helping her. Also, you may not want to hear this (and I may be an outlier), but I nearly always am up early enough to be ready before my kiddo wakes up. It’s the only way I’m happy in the mornings.
Anon says
1) Layout clothes the night before.
2) Can you add a timer for steps OR get her a digital clock / watch. Add a picture of the time to each step of the sticker chart, so she can see when its time to move on to the next part of getting ready.
Anon says
We can’t do morning screen time for my 5 year old because she just can’t get going on any of her tasks. She gets screen time on the weekend, but she cannot reliably disengage to focus on other things. May be worth taking a break to see if it helps.
Anonymous says
Visual charts/timers/clocks/reminders
We pick out all clothes for the week on Sunday nights. Hanging cubby in closet with a slot for each day. If an outfit is truly hated on the day it is planned for then we just swap it with another day.
anon says
We pick out clothes the night before and have a list of morning steps on the fridge (my kids can read, but a picture chart would work too). They typically respond much better to us saying “what’s the next step on your list?” then “go pack your lunchbox in your backpack”.
Anon says
Wow, I needed to read this. My kid is in his late 3s, and this morning was a STRUGGLE. He woke up asking what was for breakfast, I told him, he wanted something else, and I literally got him dressed and teeth brushed while he was whining/crying/melting down about what he wanted for breakfast. Then he was fine, until I asked him to get his shoes, because he wanted to go outside (???).
Anyway, everyone got out the door fine. Usually my oldest is the grumpy one in the AM, but I’ve learned, if you have more than 1 person in the house, there’s no way everyone is compliant in the AM (including adults and pets).
anon says
I just started my 2 yo with a visual morning and evening list, that he can put stickers on, and it’s been a huge hit. We aren’t usually trying to hurry him, but it definitely keeps him focused on getting the task done with a better attitude. But it might just be personality, I love a sticker chart myself.
anon says
This one: https://shop.passionatepennypincher.com/collections/home-planners/products/chore-chart-for-kids
It’s not cheap, but for the first couple weeks I feel like I’m getting very good value.
New Here says
This is great! Focusing on the task would help us overall with the time management. Since she is an early riser, we typically have plenty of time!
Anon says
We get dressed before breakfast – worth trying to see if it makes a difference.