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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
FMLA says
I’m not due until February but just got my FMLA paperwork from HR this week. Is there any reason I can’t have my doctor fill it out now with my anticipated due date so I can get it submitted and have it out of the way?
Anon in NYC says
Not at all. Do it in advance!
Anonymous says
Yes definitely do it. I think you’re supposed to give 30 days’ notice at least if feasible.
Meg Murry says
Ask HR. My company had us fill out one page for “anticipated” FMLA, and then had us just call with the actual birth date. There was another form that the doctor couldn’t fill out until the baby was actually born (because they didn’t know 6 weeks for v vs 8 weeks for c-section, or if there were complications, etc) but as long as we had the anticipated paperwork and made that phone call we had a couple of weeks to get the final paperwork turned in after the baby was born.
hoola hoopa says
Probably not since HR sent the paperwork, but my HR won’t accept until four weeks prior to due date.
CPA Lady says
Well, I just ugly cried in my mentor’s office because I’m about to get a job offer that would let me leave public accounting and go work significantly fewer hours and make more money. I’m simultaneously so relieved and happy and also disappointed in myself for not being able to force myself to make this work… But I know I’ll get over that third thing soon. Tell me it’s going to be ok! I really love my coworkers and the work I do at my job, but the hours are killing me…
JJ says
Congrats!! You’ll be SO MUCH happier without all those hours. Take it from me – don’t borrow worries because something ideal didn’t work well for your situation. Do what’s best for you and don’t look back!
CHJ says
What is there to ugly cry about re: fewer hours and more money? Hooray! Why do you feel like you should have forced yourself to make your current job work?
LSC says
I just made a similar move, complete with crying when I told my amazing boss. Guess what? It’s WONDERFUL on this side and I haven’t looked back!
TK says
Don’t mourn that you couldn’t make it work – congratulate yourself for making it work for as long as you did. Why ‘force’ something that takes time away from other things you love? Life is short, no one goes to their grave wishing they could have worked more hours for less money and spent fewer hours with their kids.
Jax says
I love this and I’m going to write it down to remind myself as I go into my 2nd interview. My company culture values employees that want to live here and it’s an unhealthy competition to see who can pull the most hours and do the most important work. When you’ve immersed yourself in that for over 3 years it seeps into everything and makes you feel like a quitter for wanting to get out of it.
But…absolutely! “No one goes to their grave wishing they could have worked more hours for less money and spent fewer hours with their kids.” Thank you for saying that.
sfg says
Congrats! I feel the same way, having made an analogous choice in law. Still trying to process that – I too really like my coworkers and the work, but I also don’t want to do the hours anymore.
FVNC says
Congratulations on the job offer! I also made a similar switch in law, and after an initial adjustment period (wait, what do I do with myself all day Saturday AND Sunday if I’m not at work?) haven’t looked back. I hope you love your new job!!
Aunt Jamesina says
CONGRATULATIONS! Take it from someone who made a similar switch two years ago in a different industry: it. is. AWESOME. Enjoy!
Anonymous says
39W6D and stuck in the office. Haaaaaalp.
Just felt like whining.
Meg Murry says
Spend the day writing transition memos, clean your desk, leave at 3 pm and tell them you aren’t coming back! Otherwise at this point you are going to be spending half of every day preparing for “and if I’m not back here tomorrow” situations.
Anonymous says
Memo is done and desk is clean! I wish I could just leave but I need to stay until I actually give birth– need that paid leave for post partum.
Anon says
I will be in that same situation (except it’s all unpaid and I can’t afford anything more than what I am taking post partum). I am just over 6 months and had a one-off really uncomfortable day this week and almost had a panic attack about how much worse it’s probably going to get.
Katarina says
If it makes you feel better, in my first pregnancy, I had good and bad days throughout the third trimester, and I did not feel significantly worse at the end. I did deliver a few days early.
Meg Murry says
Ugh. Can you “work from home” a couple of days next week?
Edna Mazur says
Yuck. Been there done that (unpaid FMLA only). My sympathies.
Anon - Christmas or Winter Theme PJs says
I cannot find cute matching Christmas or Winter theme cotton PJs anywhere! I’m looking for one piece footed sleepers for my 10 month old and a matching or similar two piece or one piece footed for my 5 year old. Everything winter/Christmas themed seems to be in fleece. Any suggestions for where to look? I don’t mind spending for quality as our tradition is new Pjs on CHristmas eve that they then wear throughout the winter.
CHJ says
Have you tried Hanna Andersson? This set, for example, is adorable:
http://www.hannaandersson.com/pdp.aspx?styleId=42318&from=PR&simg=42318_75Z
PregLawyer says
Oh my god, the star wars christmas onesies. I must get.
RR says
Second Hanna Andersson.
Spirograph says
Oh this picture… I just cannot. But matching cotton holiday-theme PJs do exist! Apparently for your pets, too.
http://www.pajamagram.com/SellGroup/letitsnowmanfamily.aspx
Famouscait says
We used the Pajamagram company last year for a whole range of ages/sizes. They were not fleece.
JJ says
I just bought some cute Christmas-themed PJs from Gap and Old Navy, actually.
LaurenR says
Carter’s should also give you a few options. If not on their own site, then through Target or something like that. They go up through all kid’s sizes now!
grey falcon says
Second week back at work after leave. My nanny, who started full time this week, has just seen her first after-tax paycheck calculation and basically said it isn’t going to work for her. We tried to be up front about things in the hiring process, because almost no one where we live pays on the books, but obviously there was some miscommunication. Complicating factors: it’s a nanny share; we’re covering the full amount until the other kid joins in six weeks and it’s hard enough to do that at the current rate; the other family probably can’t stretch to much more beyond the current rate– certainly it’s unlikely they could get to their share of the amount more she wants per week after taxes.
As a nanny, she seems great so far. But as an employee, I’m now (more) worried. Also, this of course makes me feel as though I am failing my tiny child. Thoughts? Commiseration? It’s so hard to extricate the emotional from the business issues and keep any sense of perspective.
sfg says
This type of demand is apparently quite common in my area, which kills me because I cannot imagine going to any employer and demanding that my wages be X *after* taxes. I don’t think most people give in, though – the nanny typically will find another family that is comfortable paying under the table, and the family will keep looking.
Not sure how I would approach it, but I would speak to your nanny share partner ASAP as a starting point.
Meg Murry says
How did you do the tax calculation? Any chance you could hook her up with a tax pro to review her situation and see if she actually needs more or less withholding?
grey falcon says
Thanks. We did the tax calculation with our tax preparer and got her to fill out a W4 so we could get the withholding right. We have also given her the information to review with her own tax professional. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s an issue of getting the withholding wrong, though I actually think she might be due a refund based on the way she has filled out her W4– but I can’t give her tax advice. For the moment, I think the problem is more than she doesn’t seem to have registered how much the differential between before and after tax would be. (This isn’t a problem distinct to her. We had some form of this problem with almost everyone we interviewed because very few have ever worked on the books.)
Spirograph says
First, a hug, because this kind of stress is the last thing you need in your first weeks back at work.
I agree with sfg and Meg Murry. I see where she’s coming from, but (as I’m sure you know) increasing her salary to meet her after-tax pay requirement will increase the amount you have to pay in employer taxes as well, on top of the salary bump. If you’re paying her fair wage, I just don’t think that’s a reasonable request, and you shouldn’t feel bad about not meeting it.
Review her withholdings, and absolutely talk to the other family, but I’d also start looking for another nanny and think of a fair transition plan to present to your current one. Since you have 6 weeks until the other family joins the share and you’re already paying the full amount, that must mean your nanny is being well compensated for caring for only one child. If she’ll agree to stay for those 6 weeks, that will give you and the other family time to find someone else who is OK with your current rates.
Meg Murry says
Is she getting any more money when you go to 2 kids, or is it the same and you and the other family are just splitting it in 2?
NewMomAnon says
This is an off-the-wall thought, but my parents worked with their schedules to make it possible for my nanny to hold a second job; she worked retail (nights, weekends). Since there are likely 4 parents involved in your nanny share, can you offer her a 4 day week (ie, each parent misses work 1 Friday a month), or make it so she gets off work a little earlier in the afternoon so she can get to an evening job? That doesn’t make you come out of pocket, but it helps ease her financial burden.
Also point out to her that the benefit of being paid on the books is that she is paying into Social Security, which would increase her retirement payout (and yes, I think some form of Social Security will be around by the time we all retire, especially for those at the bottom of the payscale like your nanny – some may argue with me on that).
Mary says
No commiseration here – you should have informed her what exactly her take home would be when you hired her. That’s important for her to know and it sounds like she is less sophisticated than you, not that she wants to be paid off the books. In New York it is common to negotiate take home and then gross up.
sfg says
How much does that end up being for employer on an hourly basis? Here, with taxes, it would be close to $30/hour… which we were not willing to pay, even for Mary Poppins.
Anon in NYC says
That’s why we chose not to go the nanny route, although I would have loved to have done that for my daughter’s first year. The rate that we were able to pay and could afford would not have been a livable net salary for someone.
Mary says
Oh I didnt give any numbers – i think numbers can be the same. I just meant there should be transparency (and educating if necessary) and employer should do the math for the nanny up front – assuming you are paying on the books. And then you have to decide if you can afford to pay what the nanny requires with all parties being on the same page.
Our hourly wage is actually low because we pay time and a half for overtime, as is required. So we made sure it averaged out to the number she was asking for. I know others who do up to 40 hours on the books and do overtime in cash to avoid the extra math.
TBK says
Seriously? Calculating after tax take-home is not the employer’s responsibility. It can be impacted by a number of factors. I have never had a job where my employer told me my take-home. And I have worked some pretty low-level jobs. It makes me crazy how willing people are to pay domestic workers off the books. In my area it’s almost impossible to find people willing to work on the books at all. Which is really surprising given the number of people who have security clearances (and having undeclared domestic staff could compromise your reinvestigation) and who might be up for a position that requires Senate confirmation at some point.
Mary says
No I am talking only about people who pay on the books. I have no idea about off the books or how much people pay or anything like that. I am confused about why you are conflating helping the nanny figure out how much she will take home so she can pay her rent and car payment with paying off the books?
OH maybe you are thinking of whether employer withholds or nanny pays?
TBK says
Sorry two totally different thoughts. Thought 1: I have never heard of an employer figuring out for an employee what the take-home will be. I’ve only ever heard of employers (at various levels from low-level hourly wage jobs to upper management level) discussing gross pay as part of the hiring process. Thought 2: If people paid on the books regularly, there would be no “she was never paid on the books before and didn’t understand how taxes work” part. It’s insane. In every other area, including jobs where people make minimum wage up to making millions, people get paid on the books. They both pay their taxes and also get unemployment and social security protection. If we’re going to have these programs, and if we’re going to fund things through income tax, it’s insane that so many people are totally fine with just going off the books. (We also seem to be one of the only au pair families who doesn’t use our au pair as a regular babysitting, paying her off the books for hours she works in excess of her 45 per week. We’d be thrilled to be able to do that, but it’s not allowed under the law.)
sfg says
One more thought (as I appear in the minority on not agreeing to gross up wages) – have you thought about discussing her wages with her on an annualized basis? This helped us show our prior nanny that her overall gross compensation was pretty good (in excess of 50K) when considering overtime, and even excluding bonus, paid vacation and paid sick days.
grey falcon says
Thanks, all. To be clear: I’m not prepared to guarantee someone an after tax rate, because it depends on all kinds of information I don’t have as an employer. While telling her we couldn’t guarantee it, we worked with her to do our best to get her to where she said she needed to be after taxes and did the most math we could in the negotiation process. And we are, in fact, in the after-tax range she provided. On the low end, but within the specific range she quoted us. I don’t know what’s changed, but clearly something has. She claims it is her understanding, and I hope that’s right. As stressful as this is, it is worse if I think she’s using the bargaining power she’s gained by starting the job to angle for more compensation. (Trust me when I say that, as in sfg’s case, she’s pretty well compensated and benefitted.) It also makes me frustrated that the market is set by those who don’t pay taxes, which just steepens the penalty and makes it much harder for those who want to do the right thing.
Anyway, especial thanks to those who were kind in the comments, whatever their views. It has been useful to see a range of approaches. It has also been a good reminder for me that anytime I want to use the verb “should” on the internet, I should, myself, remember how easy that word is to type and how little I often know about when it really applies.
POSITA says
My nanny pulled something very similar about a month after she started working for us. I think this may be in the clever nanny playbook. Just when we thought we’d passed the worst hump of hiring a nanny and getting the babies (and us) comfortable with the situation, she told us that she wanted a raise because she wasn’t being paid enough. We were totally thrown. We had just started to build trust and there she was accusing us of taking advantage of her by not paying her enough. Everything about the situation was uncomfortable.
After a lot of heartache (we were leaving our little babies with her after all), we told her that we would not increase her pay at that time, but would consider giving her a raise at 6 months on the job. We knew we were paying exactly what she asked at her interview and that we were paying in the middle of the range for our neighborhood. While waiting for her answer we were really worried that she was going to leave us with no notice and no childcare.
In the end, she begrudgingly agreed to the original contract terms and we did give her a small raise at 6 months. It worked out. That said, every single time we had to negotiate pay with her it was a giant disaster with her accusing us of taking advantage of her once again. She turned out to be a great nanny, but a horrible employee. It was one of the reasons we moved to a daycare situation after 2 years.
SC says
This is a total threadjack, but does the employer have to withhold? I’m paying on the books — I’m paying my share of Medicare, SS, and unemployment, and my nanny has filled out a W-4. But she does not want me to withhold for her. She says she just saves the money herself and pays what she owes at the end of the year in a lump sum. And she says she does this because she has several other jobs for which she is an independent contractor with highly variable income (which is true). Is there anything wrong with this? For what it’s worth, I’m not concerned that she doesn’t understand, is unsophisticated about taxes, etc.
Anon says
I know it’s late for a reply, but in case you or others are still reading, IRS publication 926 (Household Employer’s Tax Guide) is very helpful. On this question: “You are not required to withhold federal income tax from wages you pay a household employee. You should withhold
federal income tax only if your household employee asks you to withhold it and you agree.”
Of course, you’d have to find out about state (and local?) income taxes separately, but in our state, the same applies.
The second says
I have a bit of a different take on this. We just hired a nanny. In my (metropolitan) area, the practice is for the nanny to tell you what they need to take home, and then as the employer you figure out what that will cost to pay taxes on top of that and that’s the arrangement. So our nanny takes home x dollars per week and we back out her before tax salary from that.
You are in such a better position to do this math than the nanny. And I think it’s our responsibility as the probably more educated and savvy party. I think it’s unsurprising that she was surprised and it’s something you should have figured out with her before.
ECR says
This is my experience as well. But I will add that we used a nanny agency to help us avoid the scenario here. The agency was much better at communicating the tax piece to our potential nannies. I found the agency to be really useful for this reason. They also sent us amazing candidates! So, a plug for using an agency. Some of the best money I ever spent.
NewMomAnon says
It’s funny, I work with a lot of companies recruiting high level executives to a relatively high tax state, and this is often how the salary negotiations go. The exec says they are currently making X after taxes in their current state, and need the same cashflow in the new job, and then I have to figure out what the before-tax salary and benefits package needs to be. So this seems like a totally normal practice to me.
Anon. says
Our current nanny isn’t work out. How much notice/severance should I give if we let her go? Also… any tips of having that “conversation”? I need to talk with her today about stepping it up, but we’ve had that convo before and it has gotten worse. Also, I can’t let her go immediately since I need to set something else up first.
sfg says
In my area, if there is no written agreement, most people seem to think 2 weeks severance is good if the employment is less than a year. Because your home is involved, I personally would not give notice and would use the end of whatever day to terminate so you can collect keys and whatever else. For the actual conversation, I would just keep it short and simple.
Anon. says
Thanks! I didn’t think of the end of day /termination thing. My husband and I are in disagreement whether we owe her the opportunity to be very realistic first that is she doesn’t step up she is being terminated. Or do we just line up new care and do the termination. I have had talks along the way like you need to do x or y and she will do the absolute minimum to fulfill those but I have never said – if you don’t do better at x or y you will be terminated.
Spirograph says
Do you want a nanny that you have to threaten with termination in order to get her to do more than the bare minimum? Do you want an employee in your home who is annoyed with you for being too hard on her? (I’m not saying you’re being too hard, but if you tell her to step it up or get fired, she might think so.) You do not want an employee in your home with your child/ren after you’ve given her notice that she’s losing her job.
FWIW, we withdrew from our nanny share with no notice to the nanny. We arranged different childcare, and told her at the end of the day. We terminated “for cause” and the other family kept her on, so we felt OK just paying our half of the share for two weeks.
The conversation was very short — I don’t think most people want to belabor that situation. In my case, she and I had a lot of differences along the way and neither of us liked dealing with the other by that point, so there was really no surprise. I basically said, “thanks for taking good care of my child, but you have not respected my role as your employer and my child’s mother, so we’ve made other arrangements. We will continue to pay you for two weeks, but this is your last day.” She said “OK,” signed the notice, and left. It was over in <5 minutes.
TBK says
You may have thought of this already, but you might want to tell her what you’re willing to say if someone calls you for a reference. If you’ve talked with her before about changes you want her to make and she hasn’t made them, I would also include factual statements about that. Like “last month I asked you to [have the play area tidy at the end of the day/do arts and crafts activities in the afternoon/engage with the baby on the floor instead of texting while you’re watching her] but I haven’t seen any improvement in this area. In fact, just last week, I noticed that [thing done or left undone].” You can of course just say “it’s not working out” but if you want to be as fair to her as possible, she should have a chance to understand why she’s being let go. But if she tries to argue or defend her actions, you need to be ready to say something like “I’m sorry but I don’t see this working out.”
NewMomAnon says
Probably too late in the day, but I just realized that I have no idea what I’m feeding my 21 month old for dinner….any suggestions? How do people manage take-out with daycare pickup and starving little ones? Do you order from work before you leave and pick up on the way home? Delivery is too much of a headache in a secured high rise ….
RDC says
DS is still too little to actually eat takeout, so one parent does pickup and feeds baby whatever we have at home (toast, eggs, cheese, etc) while other parent picks up the takeout.