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anon says
Dropped baby at daycare for the first time today and I am emotionally unwell. They don’t do apps- how many times is too many times to call and see how she’s doing?
Anonymous says
My youngest is now 4 but I bawled like crazy when I dropped my oldest (9) for the first time. It gets better. Also, you are totally normal and not alone.
Anonymous says
One call is too many. Honestly, it’s better not to have an app or constant updates. Enjoy your freedom to work, eat, and use the bathroom whenever you want to. Then enjoy being fully present with your baby at home. Day care is wonderful for parents and babies. You both will adjust quickly!
Anonymous says
I disagree. On the first day they are used to moms calling!! Going forward, no. But today it’s fine.
FWIW I made it until 2pm my first day then scooped her up early.
Anonymous says
My comment about not calling is for the benefit of the mom, not the day care provider.
Anon says
Yeah I don’t think you should call.
Mary Moo Cow says
With the caveat that I am assuming she is physically well, I would say that one call is too many. It’s tough to drop the baby off, but I think it is best treated as pulling off a band-aid. They will call you if there are any issues. And they might not be able to answer if you call: if they’re taking care of your child, they are feeding, diapering, playing, etc., and a phone call takes them away from doing their job. It may also signal that you don’t trust them. These aren’t first time teenage babysitters who could use some hand-holding, but full-time, experienced care givers. They’re getting to know the baby and she’s getting to know them. Try to reassure yourself that you chose the center for its good qualities. Finally, what are you going to do if they say things aren’t going well well? Drop work and rush over there? And if that isn’t an option, stew and fret through the work that you have to do? Ignorance is bliss. And just look forward to being able to pick her up and hear about her day face-to-face.
Anon says
+1 to all this.
Anonymous says
“What are you going to do if they say things aren’t going well ?”
This is the biggest reason not to call. If she’s crying, it doesn’t help anyone for you to know about it. The teachers are pros, and will comfort her. Your being upset about it is harmful to you and doesn’t help her. And if you drop everything to pick her up, how will she ever have the chance to get comfortable at day care?
Spirograph says
I also agree with this. Think about what you’re really trying to accomplish and whether the call will do it. Your call will likely go to the admin office. They won’t be able to answer your questions (unless they just give you a platitude that everything is fine, which is equally likely), and I bet they don’t make a habit of ringing non-emergency calls through to an infant room. So then the teacher will need to call you back, taking time away from either childcare or her break. I’m sure the teachers and staff are understanding and you’re not the first to call on the first day, but it’s not going to endear you to them. Our infant teachers were always happy to give us a full read-out at pickup; I’d pick your daughter up a little early if you can, and plan to spend a bit of extra time then to get all the details of the day.
Hugs. The first day is hard, but this is the beginning of a long journey of trusting and relying on other adults to be part of your village. It gets easier, and it is A Good Thing for both you and your daughter.
Anonymous says
One call is totally fine. You can do it!
Anon says
Instead of calling can you pick them up earlier? The first day of daycare I only left my kiddo (5 months) for two hours. Then gradually worked up over the course of the week. We also don’t have apps.
Anon says
+1 We did this also and I think it made the transition easier on both me and kiddo (although my kid was 16 months at the time and a young infant probably wouldn’t notice or care).
Pogo says
This. I think did half days for a bit with my first.
An.On. says
Absolutely – just do a short day to begin with!
AwayEmily says
Mine started daycare last week and based on advice from people here I did exactly that — she’s been doing four-hour days, which means she takes both her first and last nap at home. It’s made the transition much easier for me and for her (as compared with my other kids, who started with full days). I know not everyone can make this work but it was a great idea.
Anon says
She’s doing well unless you hear otherwise, but I think fine to call once-more than that and the provider will be spending time on you that should be with the kids. It’s also okay to ask if they could text a picture once a day this week; some places that don’t have apps do that. Good luck-it’s a big transition. But if this feeling lingers, consider if it may be some postpartum anxiety that you could benefit from some support with.
Pogo says
Agree on a picture text helping. More recently (last year) my then 3yo had a string of horrible dropoffs when he switched to a new daycare. The texts showing him happy and playing eased my concerns.
anon says
My daycare wasn’t going to tell me anything negative, so it didn’t help to call. All they’d say was that everything was fine.
Anonymous says
+1. Also, their definition of going wrong is going to be different from yours. To them, a baby crying on the first day is completely normal. To them, “going wrong” would be a mysterious rash or vomiting or something that would require a child to be sent home.
Anonymous says
… and if the day care does think that something is going wrong if the baby is crying, then you are going to have a lot of headaches dealing with that day care in the long run.
anon says
Any book recommendations for kids on how to take care of yourself? Despite many demos, my second grader does not know how to wash her hair and face, never wants to brush her hair, doesn’t remember to wipe, etc. she’s great about hand washing and brushing teeth, but that’s where it ends.
Anonymous says
A book will not help with this. You need to come up with a system to support her as she moves towards more independence. This could be a sticker chart, a parent checking her hair at the end of the shower, a parent coaching her through hair-washing, etc.
Anonymous says
Agree, and external motivators too. My kids are fine with self care but total slobs. That’s where I’m focused now.
Anonymous says
How does this play out? If she’s getting ready for school and you say: “brush your hair”- what happens? Does she just flail and cannot handle the tangles or does she space out and attempt to go to school with bed head?
My 2nd grader LOVES styling hair and will watch YouTube videos on hair styles then “try them out” mostly on my and her little sisters. Could new hair accessories be fun?
Washing hair IME has gone better when my long haired girls shower vs bathe. We started with “wash your hair and I’ll check it” with them washing and me sitting right there supervising. Like the suggestion above, could letting her shop for her own shampoo help?
Anon says
Is the issue not knowing how to do these things, or not remembering to do them? It sounds like it’s more the latter, in which case I don’t see how a book will help.
Anonymous says
This is a convo with a pediatrician about a potential referral to OT, not a book.
anon says
This sounds like some lagging executive functioning issues. I’m afraid the answer is probably going to be hard on you: continued instruction and checking in to make sure she’s doing what she’s supposed to do. Effusive praise when she does it well. A book is not going to be the answer.
Anonymous says
I’m not sure this is helpful, but my 1st grade daughter is very similar. She hates brushing her hair (but sometimes likes if I brush her hair), complains when she has to shower, and wipes if I remind her but otherwise just pulls her underwear back up after #1. She also just doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not ok to shove food wrappers under the couch instead of cleaning up after eating. She is 100% capable of doing everything, she just doesn’t care/like it for some reason. I just figure, kids are gross. I obviously make her clean and groom herself anyway, hoping that eventually the habits will stick without my constant intervention. She is motivated by star charts in fits and starts, but harrumphs at praise in the moment.
Anonymous says
Exactly this. Kids are just gross and lazy and you have to keep reminding them until they finally figure out that being clean is more pleasant than being filthy.
anon says
It doesn’t help with the whole list, but my rule is that if you want to grow out your hair, you have to take care of it (with help if wanted/needed). So far, my kids have just opted for short hair so they don’t have the extra work.
Anonymous says
That’s what we did.
Anonymous says
This is interesting to me. Both my daughter and I, who have wildly different hair types, have hair that is much easier when it is long. Ponytails and braids for the win. Short hair just sticks out if you don’t sytle it.
Anonymous says
My daughter has fine, wavy hair that snarls terribly and doesn’t stay in a braid or ponytail. I insisted she wear it above shoulder length, even though the waves made it a little wonky without heat-styling, until she was able to care for it properly on her own. Unsnarling the rats’ nests was unpleasant for both of us.
Anon says
Occupational therapy if she doesn’t know how. Something more like a checklist if she doesn’t remember. OT can also help troubleshoot potential obstacles (does hair brushing essentially hurt? would combing it through while wet with conditioner hurt less? etc.).
Anon says
Do any of you have your in laws live with you for part of the week? We have been talking about having my in laws live with us Mon-Thurs as an extra set of hands and so they can enjoy their grandkids. We are from Asian immigrant backgrounds where this is not out of the norm, but I do know that living with in laws or even your own parents is an adjustment. The kiddos (toddler and baby) will be in full time childcare so they are not providing childcare for us, just extra help. We’d also like them to benefit from being close to their grandparents, which we never had the luxury of.
Any thoughts or advice on things we should mentally prepare for or discuss?
We are generally on pretty good terms. I have learned to just ignore them when they provide unsolicited advice about things, which has worked fine so far. My FIL works out of the home but my MIL would be WFH, as I would be too, so I could see that being an issue with maybe never getting any separation from eachother. Our levels of cleanliness/mess are also very different, and though we have cleaners come biweekly, I could see it being problematic since we have a small home. Do we need to do a trial run and reassess after a few weeks?
Anonymous says
This just sounds like a nightmare why would you consider it?
Anon says
Sorry, but kind of +1. OP, you lost me at two of you WFH at the same time and the cleanliness issue.
Anon says
Yeah me and my husband both being fulltime WFH has caused major strain on our marriage. Can’t imagine being in this situation with my MIL, even though I like her and we get alone well.
Anon says
So with the caveat that I’m not Asian and would never consider this with my own parents, let alone in-laws, why is them not getting a place right near you an option? I completely agree that growing up near grandparents is wonderful for a child (and the parents and grandparents) but you don’t have to live in the same house to get all the emotional benefits of a close relationship. My parents live a mile away and our child sees them near-daily and sleeps there at least once a week, DH and I see them at least a couple times a week. They are close enough that it’s not inconvenient for me to do things like grocery shop for them, which I expect I will be doing more of as they get older. I’m not sure what additional benefit we would have by living together and all the adults are all VERY grateful to have separate houses. Bonus is that we have a house and they have an apartment, so my child gets the perks of both places including the pool and kids’ play area at their apartment complex, which is very exciting at this age (preschool).
My parents stayed with us in two week chunks during summer 2020 and it was so tough. We had no daycare at the time and were so grateful to have their help with childcare (and the presence of other adults to talk to!), but by the end of two weeks we were just all done being in the same house and needed our own space. I really can’t imagine having them move in full time. And we have a 5 bedroom, 4,000+ square foot house. No matter how much you love a person, living with them can be really tough, especially if several of you are working from home full time.
Anon says
I meant to say “why is them getting a place near you not an option?”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree with all of this. For some context, my parents live about 30 min away from us and help out with the kids a lot, and are very close to them. I spent the first few years of my life living with my grandparents (dad’s parents/mom’s in-laws) due to similar cultural expectations and lack of money, and my mom will tell you that living together is not ideal, and they much much prefer each of us having a space of our own. When you are all in one house, who ends up being in charge? I see a lot of conflicts if in-laws don’t agree with how you both choose to run your household, but then are they just your guests or do they also have a say? Will your husband revert to being seen as the child in that house instead of one of the head adults?
Anonymous says
Whyyyy? It sounds like you are not set up to accomodate this. Have them over for a couple long weekends (Weds-Sunday) and see how it goes.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi! I’m from an Asian background so understand many of the cultural nuances here I think others may not appreciate (no shade – I often do not understand some of the family relationships discussed on this board as they differ from my own culture). Currently my FIL (not Asian) has been staying with us since January, more because of some unforeseen circumstances, but he does offer a ton of help, and like you, both of our kids have full time care.
I think the trial run is a good idea, but I also think the working from home may become a challenge. I’d talk through expectations for all using the same space while working from home. I’d also talk through where you need help – getting the kids out the door? Dinner? Meal Prep? Bedtime? Etc. and make a flexible routine.
Also, people are annoying and human. My Mom (local) basically lived with us for 70% of the time the first year of DS #2’s life (while we had FT care for him) which was a HUGE help, but like…she left cabinets open, accidentally stained our wall, etc. Be prepared for that, and understand that you cannot be annoyed at in-laws (in most cases) the way you could a roommate, child, or partner.
Last thought – I also think this level of help may be something you want/need now but may not be as needed once baby is a bit older, as was our experience.
Pogo says
“Also, people are annoying and human” this is so true lol. I love my parents but I’m always happy to say good night and let them sleep at their own house.
anon says
Three adults working from home sounds like a massive strain on everyone. I personally could NOT handle living with other adults who have different standards of cleanliness than I do, so an arrangement like this would probably severely strain our relationship.
MIL lives 1.5 miles from us, and it’s great. And we have our own spaces.
Anon says
The working from home and the different levels of cleanliness are both major red flags to me.
anonM says
My mom does not live with us, but she does babysit one day/week and stays for dinner. On weeks DH travels, she stays the night and helps with bedtime and the following am. For trial run, what about just one night/week? One day/night is pretty easy for everyone to be one best behavior, clean, etc. And it is easier for me to ignore things if it is just one night. If it was every day, it would bother me way more. (Concrete example – can’t yell at my mom for “helping” when she dried my newest and favorite, hang-dry-only sweater. Even DH has learned not to do this. But!! the pros outweigh the cons – kids are so comfortable with her, she covers sick days often for us, she knows our routines and rules, etc. etc.) It’s great to have an extra set of hands and just someone to enjoy the kids with me. I’d also keep in mind that your in laws are older than you, and so there might be a significant energy level issue, nothing bad but you do want to think through reasonable expectations. If they work all day, help with dinner, and normally sleep by 9, they might not help clean up kitchen/toys etc after kiddo bedtime — but maybe by dividing and conquering you can all get it done before kiddo bedtime! Intergenerational living has a lot of pros — some cons — but the support system here could be awesome.
Mary Moo Cow says
I could see it working if you had a large house where everyone had their own living and working space, but in a small house…ooof. It is going to be hard. I know families who have moved in together temporarily (mostly while between houses) and having an end date probably helped (so did having an entire floor for one family to sleep and work in, or an in-law suite.) The family I know who have parents living with them permanently have a large house with an in-law suite and useable outdoor living space so people can spread out. I agree that with 2 people WFH all the time in a small space, the possibility for irritation is high (a drain on internet bandwidth, noise from the conference call next door, someone is washing clothes again while I’m on a call, etc.). A big red flag for me is that you say you have different levels of cleanliness. I am the slob to DH’s neatnik, and that is the biggest stressor in my marriage.
I love having my in-laws 10 minutes away, and if push came to shove and they needed to move in with us for more than a few months, I would be looking for a mansion.
Cb says
I had a gap between trains and spent a few hours with a friend who is a foster carer and I got to snuggle a 6 month old baby for literal hours. Which made me super happy but also reaffirmed my happiness at being one and done.
Anon says
Aww! I would love to snuggle a baby for hours …and then give it back. I want to be an NICU baby snuggler but the list is like five years long in my city.
anon says
Wait, this is a thing? Being a NICU baby snuggler? My baby is 10 months now and super wiggly, and I dream of the early snuggly days (yes I have forgotten all about the sleep deprivation, general disorientation and intense pain from the c-section incision. Only remember the snuggles.).
Anon says
Yes it’s a thing! You hold the NICU babies when the parents can’t be there. But you normally have to volunteer at the hospital in another role first for at least a year or so, and the waiting list to be a baby snuggler is long.
Anon says
You guys my (new-ish) boss wished me Happy Mother’s Day. First time that’s happened to me since I became a mom. I know it’s just a silly Hallmark holiday but it feels nice to be seen and recognized as a mom in a positive way in the workplace.
Pogo says
I agree! My boss did the same. He’s not even from the US (and has not lived here for an entire year yet) so I appreciated it even more.
NLD in NYC says
Just ranting into the ether – another daycare COVID closure. Ugh! Grateful DH and I can work from home this week, but so tired of the rest of the work thinking COVID is over. That is all.
Anon says
I honestly don’t even know how to deal with this wave. In my area, literally everything is back in person. Depositions are in person. Court appearances are in person. It is generally accepted that if someone is sick, everything moves to Zoom… but moving everything to Zoom because someone in the family had a close contact?
Anon says
Wait until next winter when the variants will be even smarter against the vaccines. I’m so sick of it all.
Anonymous says
Yeah, where are these nasal spray vaccines that were being touted a few months ago as more effective against infection? I am not looking forward to next school year.
Pogo says
Yeah this wave is brutal. There seems to be no appetite for scaling back in person, so we’re being brutal about social engagements and masking again (well, LO never stopped masking but he’s also unvaxxed – DH and I had stopped masking at work).
Fallen says
Feel for you. On week 3 of effed up childcare (daycare closures + getting covid). The only saving grace now is that once you get COVID, kid doesn’t need to quarantine for 90 days/can go to daycare even if the class is closed. I realize the only way out of COVID is kids getting older, sadly.
Anonymous says
All kids are going to catch the next round of the virus regardless of vaccination status, just as most of them caught omicron, and it will be just as disruptive as the omicron surge or even more so. A vaccinated kid might get out of quarantining as often, but you’re still going to face a lot of classroom closures for lack of staff etc.
Anonymous says
Yep, we’re all home with a cold today that isn’t Covid (we think! Two negative tests for each of us!). It’s annoying because it feels like grace is only extended at work if it is Covid. But also, we don’t have to worry about daycare closures/notifications/that whole mess, since it’s just a cold, so that’s good at least.
NLD in NYC says
Sorry to hear that! Hope you guys feel better soon.
Anon says
our whole family fortunately still hasn’t had covid, but we are all sick with some other lovely virus.
Anon says
My family had what we think was the flu in late April. It didn’t knock us out for that long, but DH and I each had a day where we were really really out of it (kiddo was fine). I kind of wanted it to be Covid because at least then we would have short term immunity and hopefully a fun, carefree summer. But we all had multiple negative antigen and PCR tests.
Anon says
That’s where we are. DS had some daycare crud, which I caught. For me, it turned into bronchitis– currently on a Medrol pack, but I’ve been at some level of sick for two weeks now. DH sprained his ankle and hasn’t been as helpful as he normally would be.
Meanwhile, DS was randomly acting sick and throwing up this weekend. No idea why. (No fever or anything that suggests he is actually sick. Negative for Covid.) Oh, and the classroom he interacts with most at daycare is closed for Covid. We thought our room was going to be closed also yesterday, and I almost lost it.
NLD in NYC says
Thanks all for commiserating. One day down, four more to go.
anon says
You’d think I’d have the summer footwear formula perfected by now, but nope. Kiddo (7) is doing day camp, which requires closed-toe shoes at all times. Tennis shoes are required on field trip days. She currently has:
1) a pair of Adidas running shoes that should fit for several more months
2) a pair of EVA Birkenstocks that she wears to the pool but nowhere else
I feel like we may need a third pair because stuff gets muddy, wet, etc., and the Birks are essentially useless for camp. I’m stuck between whether to get her a new pair of Natives, or another breathable pair of slip-on shoes. She’s unfortunately between sizes in Natives at the moment, which is my hesitation. DD will not even consider Keens or any kind of athletic sandal, and it’s not a battle I want to fight.
Anon says
Elementary school age here – We always have two pairs of tennis shoes or slip ons like Keds that fit, expressly because of muddy/wet/snowy surprises. Then we have one other seasonal pair – flip flops in the summer, boots in the winter, rainboots in spring/fall, etc.
When they were littler we used to also have one fancy pair, but then I realized we don’t do anything fancy often enough to make it worth it. They’re no longer in character shoes so a basic pair of gray or brown slip ons will work even with dresses or khakis. On the few occasions a year we need fancy shoes, I just buy a new slip on pair in the next half size up so they’re clean for the event and then ready for the next growth spurt.
Spirograph says
Crocs. The kind with back straps, or “sport mode” as my son’s friends call it
Anonymous says
Second pair of sneakers? My kids wear sneakers to their outdoor camp and bring slides or flip flops for the pool. They do hiking and climbing so keens are not better than sneaks.
Anon says
+1 We are team sneakers for everything except the pool/beach, and Crocs for that.
anon says
My kids always pick Natives if given a choice. Sneakers end up sitting home unworn. I stopped buying them summer sneakers for that reason.
Anon says
hope everyone had a nice Mother’s Day. mine consisted of DH and I waking up with the virus our kids have had for the past week. and of course in typical fashion, DH never plans ahead and so he gave me a card, but hadn’t had the kids make cards yet. at least they made something for me during the one day they were at school last week
SC says
I’m pretty sure Kiddo made me some stuff at school, and DH left it in the car on Friday afternoon. Oh well–maybe I’ll get it today.
DLC says
I got a card that said, “You’re the best mom in the world!!!!”
And on the inside it said, ”Happy birthday!”
Anon says
Ha! Yesterday was my birthday, so it would have actually been appropriate for me.
GCA says
I opened my Mother’s Day card at dinner last night and cracked up because it was a thank-you card (‘merci’, to be precise) chosen by my 3.5yo (who cannot read) entirely for the puppy on the front. DH said the alternative was a bedazzled R2D2 birthday card, which I wouldn’t have minded either!
Anonymous says
I got a very nice card and a cute picture frame from daycare. DH was planning to order brunch for us, but the restaurant turned off its doordash ordering function so I made muffins. Then we tried to order a nice dinner but it took two hours to be delivered and they didn’t give us the desserts :( I’m glad I thought ahead and ordered myself flowers!
Cornellian says
My flowers were delayed, but my pre-K son wrote an oddly foreboding card that said “my mom is happy!!”
Anon says
Does anyone else almost immediately disregard lifestyle advice from people who don’t have kids? I have always LOVED “my morning routine”-style content and self-help-y books but now with two little kids, as soon as I pick up a book or look at an article, I can tell almost immediately whether or not the author has kids and…I just don’t value the advice of childless people as much. Like, I know you think you need to be efficient with your time as a single person, but um, you just have NO idea. I mean, I still read them on occasion, but yeah. Thinking specifically of the first 15 pages of Atomic Habits that I read last night.
Anon says
I don’t know about the kid aspect, or if the guy that wrote Atomic Habits has kids, but I am halfway through it and am not blown away like I thought I would be given the reviews. A lot of it seems like pretty obvious stuff I’ve already read in several other books. And I think he is totally discounting the willpower it takes to consistently make the environments he describes to breed the habits you want.
anon says
Atomic Habits guy has a wife who allows him to focus on deep work. (huge eye roll)
Anonymous says
I mean feel free to not take advice from anyone. No need to put down childless people though.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – FWIW I just take it as fun to read/face value. Everyone’s circumstances are so different!
Aunt Jamesina says
Yeah, this seems super dismissive. I’ve had a few periods of my life where work and personal life demands were absolutely crazy. Kids are all-consuming, yes, but that doesn’t mean that those without kids might not have other huge constraints on their time (personal health, elder care, working full time plus grad school are all fairly common scenarios that come to mind…). It also smacks of the “you don’t know what tired is/you don’t know what real love is until you have kids” gatekeeping comments, which… ugh. No.
OP says
OP here! I don’t mean to put childless people down – I’m sorry if it came across that way! Just honestly kind of amused at how time expands and contracts. I truly thought I was VERY BUSY before having kids. Now I know that I was not. I know that YMMV depending on your job, other dependents, etc.
Aunt Jamesina says
I understand a bit of your perspective (parenting is hard work!”), but “I just don’t value the advice of childless people as much” isn’t a great way to phrase it IMO.
Anon says
I felt it was meant that she didn’t value their input on scheduling. I guess it could be read either way, but I certainly didn’t think she meant she was going to ignore childless people’s advice on movies or restaurants or computers.
Anon says
I feel like even among parents, things vary so much based on # of kids, ages of kids, personalities of kids. I’ve never found these kinds of posts terribly engaging for that reason.
Aunt Jamesina says
This plus how much local support you have from family, how much autonomy you have over your work, and how much you can afford to outsource.
So Anon says
This x 100. Add in different work types, parenting styles, neurodiversity and it all ends up being what works for the people involved. It reminds me of so much of the sleep and eating advice for early-on. It’s great that “drowsy but awake” worked for you, but it didn’t for my colicky baby. He’ll eat when he’s hungry – doesn’t apply to a kid with sensory issues. Find more childcare – doesn’t exactly happen during a pandemic.
NLD in NYC says
Keep the wheat, throw away the chaff. I also love self-helpy books, but can also get annoyed by elaborate routines by mostly men who clearly aren’t getting any kids ready for school drop off. However… we can always learn from others. What’s one tip you can modify to your life?
Anonymous says
The books by women are even more annoying. No woman with an actual non-influencer job and children and an employed husband has time to write self-help advice. None of them are relatable. The best, most actionable advice book I ever read was written by a submarine captain.
Anon says
Well now I want to hear from the sub captain. What was it?
Anonymous says
It was a cheesy management book called “It’s Your Ship” that I read when I was about 21 and a brand-new manager. Really simple stuff about delegating responsibility, etc.
Cb says
I know Cal Newport has lots of kids but I always view his advice as slightly suspect.
GCA says
+1 I want to hear from Cal Newport’s wife, including a full breakdown of their household and emotional labor. He vaguely acknowledges that people with children have specific timing challenges and don’t have full agency over their time, but it’s…never fully addressed.
Anon says
I (thankfully?) don’t know who this is, but I totally read it as Bobby Newport, Paul Rudd’s character from Parks and Rec who probably also doesn’t have great advice.
Aunt Jamesina says
Cal Newport is so smug. I love how his book about digital minimalism says he doesn’t really struggle with or use social media or a lot of tech, so just like… be like him? Hope you have a career where you don’t need to be on your phone or email! Also, here are a million anecdotal stories about men who have been successful with one woman thrown in.
Anon says
I 100% agree that he’s totally smug, but I also still found parts of the digital minimalism book really helpful to me. Not in, like, providing groundbreaking ideas, but helping to articulate some of the reasons I wanted to cut down in the first place.
Cb says
I hate his New Yorker think pieces about Twitter when he doesn’t use Twitter?
anono says
I’m actually on my third book by a self-help author who is childless and in her 50s, so completely different stage of life than me. She writes in a very breezy fun bloggy style, so just reading her words are uplifting and helps change my mindset into something more positive, even though I know a lot of her ideas aren’t practical for me. Sometimes it’s all about an author’s voice and whether you like them or not, rather than whether their ideas apply to you in every way. I just like to read something to change the channel in my head at times (from doom and gloom, poor me, waaa waaa to something brighter and happier), not necessarily to consume information.
Emma says
Baby naming rant ahead – apparently, when DH’s grandmother passed away (before we met), MIL promised her on her deathbed that they would name the first female grandchild after her. So here we are, expecting the first girl on that side of the family. GM’s name is perfectly fine, but a little old school and just not what I would pick. I’ve tried to tell DH that I made no such promise, and have attempted a few reasonable compromises (GM name as middle name, other first names that are derived from that name, other first names that have family history). He keeps accepting these in theory, I get excited that we have a great name picked, and then a few days later he circles back to “why not just name her [GM’s name] and you can just call her [Nickname] if you prefer?”. I realize honoring his grandma is very nice and maybe I’m being petty but it’s really robbing me of the joy of getting to name my kid. As far as I can tell, MIL is not applying direct pressure and told him we can name baby whatever we want, but he’s really internalized this promise and now I feel like a jerk for saying I don’t like GM’s name. Also this kid is getting his last name, which I am fine with, but I feel like I should get input on the first name at least. Anyway, my first almost-to-be-a-Mother’s Day was great…
Anon says
Nope nope nope. MIL made a promise that was not hers to give. It would be like me promising someone that my BFF would sell them her house. This is too big of a deal and a lifetime of a name. GM as a middle name is perfectly lovely.
NYCer says
+1. Middle name is a perfectly fine compromise.
Anonymous says
Nope nope nope.
Anonymous says
Your husband is in the wrong. You did not make this promise. I actually think offering a compromise is a bad idea here because it legitimates the idea of naming the baby after the grandmother and gives your husband an opening to push for more. You are growing this baby inside your body. You get the final choice on the name.
Anon says
I don’t agree that a biological mother gets final choice on a baby name. It should be a joint decision. She gets final say over her own body, but the naming of a baby is not a decision about her own body. (Also how does that apply in situations where neither parent is the biological mother, like adoption or gay dads?)
That said, I agree that compromising by giving the baby the chosen middle name is not a good idea in this instance, because it legitimizes the crazy idea that MIL has a role in naming the baby.
Anon says
Ooof. I’m sorry to be a negative nelly but this is a much bigger issue than just a name. Your DH needs to learn to stand up to his mother on behalf of his wife and future kid or you’re in for a lot of tough stuff ahead. But on this issue, you should definitely not name your child something based on a promise your MIL made that you had nothing to do with.
Cornellian says
+1. I’d compromise on middle name, perhaps. But this seems like a dynamic you want to nip ASAP.
Anon says
Tell DH that the best way to honor his grandmother is to ensure that his daughter enjoys as many rights as women obtained over his grandmother’s lifetime. She will get DH’s last name. You need to both pick out a special first name together. All your compromises on the name are completely reasonable. If it helps, look at the meaning of the name too and find a way that a new name honors the meaning of grandma’s name. This situation sounds tough and I get where DH is coming from, but if he is placing so much meaning on the name he needs to shift his focus to other aspects of parenting.
Anon says
Maybe a middle name? (I’m a fan of family/meaningful middle names, but know not everyone is).
Regardless, grandma is dead and does not care, I assure you. I am very religious and believe in the afterlife, etc – but feeling beholden to a deathbed promise about a name is nonsense (especially someone else’s).
NLD in NYC says
+1 Amen
AnonATL says
I think middle name is a good compromise
In DHs family they frequently name kids after deceased relatives, but that can be interpreted as same first letter or similar name from a different language. My sons first name starts with the same letter as 3 of his 4 great grandmas. Middle name is the same letter and cultural origin as his 4th great grandma who died when I was like 36 weeks pregnant.
Agree that it was not MILs promise to give so you aren’t wrong to be upset but compromise is an option.
anon says
It sounds like your DH actually wants to use his GM’s name, as it isn’t being pushed by your MIL. If that’s the case, I’d likely honor his request. It seems heartfelt.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I read this that DH actually wants to name the child this name. I’m not saying that should be the final name, but I think you need to give his wishes serious consideration. If DH was only doing it for MIL, I’d have a different opinion, but it doesn’t seem like that is the case here.
Anon says
I agree but I think OP is being very reasonable offering the middle name especially because kid will the dad’s last name. I took my husbands last name when we got married, but it would have been a dealbreaker for me for my kid (especially a daughter) to then have a first name connected to his family of origin too. It’s too much.
Emma says
Yeah, this is coming from DH, not MIL. Although I think DH both wants to honor his GM and thinks it would be important to his mom. And I get that, but he has vetoed plenty of names I liked, but I somehow couldn’t veto this one… that’s why I tried compromising- DH isn’t a jerk, MIL is not horrible, but I still feel pressured into a name that doesn’t feel like mine.
Anonymous says
Ugh I’m sorry. My parent pressured me around my child’s name and I was in tears 24 hrs after giving birth over how I was treated. Seems like in this case, you have a husband problem not a MIL problem if she truly is not pressuring (and if she is, your husband needs to put an end to that). If he really wants to honor his grandma in your child’s name, it needs to be in a way that you are both comfortable with (middle, similar name, etc.). He doesn’t get to unilaterally pick the name. My husband’s mom passed away before I met my husband. We named our kid after her but not the exact name — we had lots of discussion around different options for honoring her with the name and came to something we were both really happy with.
Anon says
Are there any names you like that are similar to his grandmother’s name but better? I’m Jewish and we don’t name babies after living people but you’re often supposed to name them after people who have recently passed away. But in many families, there’s a little bit of leeway so you don’t have to use a horrible name. In my family, a Bertha became a Beth, for example. And some people even believing using the same first letter of the name is enough to honor the person.
Emma says
Yeah, one of the added complications here is that he is Jewish and I’m not. I didn’t know about this tradition- I thought we had had all the conversations we needed to have about interfaith marriage, but of course, pregnancy has yielded a lot more. We are usually good at talking things through but this one has become emotional for both of us. The compromise I suggested is along the lines of: Grandma was Myriam, and DD would be Mia or Maya.
Anon says
Ahh ok. That’s an important detail because it’s kind of default in the Jewish tradition. So it isn’t “MIL made this crazy promise to grandmother on her death bed and is now expecting you to honor it” so much as “this is how it’s always done in his family.” Which definitely doesn’t mean you have to do it, because your opinions and traditions matter too – but it makes your MIL seem a lot less insane.
I think Mia or Maya is a really good compromise and if he’s not budging on it, then I think he’s in the wrong. (Personally I love the name Myriam but your child shouldn’t have a name you don’t love.) I agree with others that it’s tricky to tell extended family the name in advance, but in this case I wonder if it might help? My guess is most of the family would be fine with that way of honoring her. My FIL has a deceased sister named Sarah and we didn’t want to use that name but chose a different S name in honor of her and he was pretty touched.
Anon says
To add to this, in my view what your MIL was promising her is that the first grandchild would be named in honor of her, not cousin Saul or whoever. You can absolutely honor that promise without giving your child the exact same name.
Anonymous says
Eh I don’t think it’s a default thing in the Jewish tradition to use the exact name. That always seemed kind of WASP-y to me (vs something similar or starts with the same letter). The guilt trip on the other hand…
Anon says
Is the MIL even insisting on the full name? It sounds to me like the MIL just promised the grandmother she’d be the namesake, but that could be an M name or a similar name. That’s why I think in this circumstance talking to extended family could be helpful. It seems very possible DH is misunderstanding what his mom/family expect.
anon says
Another interfaith couple here and mom to be. MIL has passed away and I found out about the tradition before I was pregnant. I won’t say I was informed because my experience as a non-Jew has been that I need to pick everything up by osmosis or research on my own because it’s inappropriate to ask questions about why things are done that way, but anyway.
We have compromised on either having MIL’s name as a middle name or having a name with the same starting letter. My understanding from DH is that the latter is typical and you don’t generally name someone the same name as their parents or the like. After going back and forth on names that start with R, DH decided he didn’t really like any so we decided to have MIL’s name be the middle name.
Emma says
Thanks! I’m glad I’m not the only confused interfaith couple :) my experience is that DH is happy to answer questions, but things are often so obvious to him that it doesn’t occur to him that it isn’t how it’s done elsewhere. He was like oh great we’re having a girl we can name her after my grandmother, and I was like wait what? I like the same initial focus – I have plenty of options with that letter. This thread had helped me put things in perspective – it’s normal to feel how I feel, but he is also coming at this from a place of tradition and loving his grandmother. As in most things marriage I’ll try to reframe this conversation so we can arrive at a mutually acceptable compromise without giving into something I don’t like because I will be calling our kiddo that for the rest of my life.
Anonymous says
Anita Diamant has a great book about Jewish baby stuff. Not trying to proselytize, but offering an option to help understand things/give you some background on why and what might be changeable.
Emma says
Thanks, Anon at 3:30 – I just ordered the Anita Diamond book! Knowledge is definitely helpful.
Anonymous says
Do not compromise on name. I went along with the name DH wanted because I thought I’d get over that I didn’t really love it. 11 yeas later it still feels like the wrong name. It is a very weird feeling to dislike the name your kid has. Don’t be me.
If you like the name as a first name, great – use it.
If you like the name as a middle name, great – use it.
If you do not like the name as a first name, do not use it as a first name. Do not use it as a first name and have your kid go by another name, that rarely works.
anon says
Yeahhhh we used a name DH didn’t initially love, and I still feel a bit bad about it.
One thing that may work for you is to get the name down to a list of 3/5 and see which one feels right when you meet baby. This wouldn’t work for some families, but for our first LO it actually worked great and we both agreed. Our LO has his grandparent’s name as his middle. For our family, it’s a great tribute, while also minimizing constant comparisons. I just didn’t end up feeling right to me to have it be his first name, but that was honestly the final decision we made when we met him.
Anon says
Oof. I’m sorry. Time for a hardcore veto. “DH, we are not naming this child GM. I know you love the name. I don’t. It’s time to find a name we both love.” and then just shut it down every time after that.
If you’re willing to have it be a middle name I agree it’s a lovely tribute but again- not necessary.
Do NOT tell his family until after the baby is born. New babies soften the blow quite nicely.
Anon says
Also- I agree with the above: you cannot nickname your way out of a disliked first name. Your child is still going to be called their first name all the time (and you’ll see it even more in writing).
Anon says
You definitely cannot nickname your way out of a first name you don’t like.
Anon says
Take back the last name. I 100% told my husband that since our kid would have his last name I wanted something very specific related to the first name. I got it. And my husband still had lots of input into the first name within my parameters.
Make him the same offer: Grandma’s first name if you get the last name OR you get more input into the first name and use his last name.
Anonymous says
That’s what I would do.
AwayEmily says
I like this idea. And it’s how we kind of did things with our kids — whoever doesn’t get the last name gets more say on the first name (we alternated who gave the kid their last name).
Cornellian says
It may be too late for you to see this, but has the different last names thing been a problem while traveling? with school etc? I’ve considered it.
Anon says
I’m not even pregnant yet (definitely not for lack of trying or lack of wanting it) but I’ve told my husband since before we were married if he wants our kids to have his last name then I’m choosing the first name.
anon says
Pregnant with our first, and starting to investigate daycares. Is there a Yelp type website that has ratings and reviews for daycares in your area, or at least some place where I can understand educational style that isn’t the center’s website? Care.com seems focused at sitters and right now I’m just blindly emailing centers based on their proximity and what’s mentioned on the website.
We are new to the area so asking other moms isn’t a good option. If it helps, we’re in Cary, NC.
Anon says
A college classmate of mine founded Winnie, which is supposed to be Yelp for childcare. I never used it and don’t how widespread it is though.
SAS daycare is supposed to be amazing, but hard to get into.
Anonymous says
No. This is what your local moms Facebook group is for.
Anon says
There’s probably a local Facebook group in your area for parents/moms. You could ask there even if you don’t know anyone personally.
Anonymous says
Not in NC, but my state’s childcare licensing agency has a website where you can search by zip code or daycare name. It has the state quality ratings for each licensed facility plus you can actually see whether there were any violations at the last inspection. I’ve also found that if you post on Nextdoor or a neighborhood FB page asking if anyone has any experience with specific centers, people will be happy to share. Our center provided references, and we basically made sure that what people on Nextdoor said matched what the center’s references said. (This was during peak pre-vax Covid, so we couldn’t do in-person tours.) Good luck!
EDAnon says
My state also has that, which was really helpful. I was less worried about some violations than others so I appreciated that, in addition to the quality rating of four stars or whatever.
Mary Moo Cow says
Facebook groups and personal recommendations are probably your best bet for general ideas, and then tours will give you the most information (and the only way to get a gut feeling of like or dislike.)
I think I saw a decision tree on this board that included proximity to work or home, full-time or part-time options, and budget as a way to narrow down the overwhelming first search, which I found helpful.
Cornellian says
I think that blindly emailing places is where most people start. Get in every parent facebook/nextdoor/wahtever group and troll constantly for a lot of reviews. It’s like a part-time job, I swear.
Also as soon as you find any places that vaguely fit what you want, get on the waiting list. I got off a waiting list this month that I got on to 3.5 years ago. Some of them are crazy.
AwayEmily says
The best way I’ve found to get a sense of the daycare is to talk to other parents whose kids have gone there. If you can’t find them on your own, sometimes the center will give you some names.
Cornellian says
I’m in mod for some reason, but also go to the online book of f@ce or nextdoor or whatever is popular where you are and start looking for reviews. Often other parents will have answered questions, given warnings, etc.
Also get on every wait list you can, even if it only a vague fit.
EJF says
The Facebook moms group for my neighborhood has been a great resource! I did a quick search on Facebook and one for Cary, NC is popping up when I searched for it.
Anon says
Hit me with your best solo parenting tips? I’m in the fortunate position that I solo parent very infrequently but DH unfortunately has 3 weeks of back-to-back work travel starting next week, so I will be on my own for a long stretch, including most weekends. I will definitely let my already low housekeeping standards get lower, and plan for us to eat a lot of takeout and freezer meals, but would love any advice anyone else has.
AnonATL says
How many kids do you have and what age? I solo parent 1 toddler regularly. Other than super simple meals for him (fish sticks/ chicken nuggets plus fruit) and salad nightly for me, I like to knock as much of the bedtime rush out early. Bath immediately after dinner so we can do indoor play and then go straight to bed without extra fuss. It gets all the stressful stuff done.
Weekends I go out to the park in the morning. My kid loves the grocery store so that’s a good way to spend an hour too.
I designate 1 weekend nap to do laundry and cleaning but rest during the other nap.
Anon says
Just one 4 year old (and a high maintenance dog) so theoretically should be pretty easy but DH is the primary parent and I’m expecting some emotional struggles in that regard. I’m not sure paid babysitters will work for that reason. I think with her dad gone she’s going to need my physical presence more than she normally does.
Anonymous says
In that case, what about a dog walker or doggie day care? That would free you up to concentrate on kiddo instead of high-maintenance pup.
Anonymous says
Dog walker! Extra dog walks! Get that doggo tired
Cornellian says
agreed. if you don’t have someone you know, i used to have good luck with wag. not the cheapest option but you can book walks sort of like uber if you know tonight is going to be busy or the kid is upset on weekends or whatever.
Anon says
My BFF boarded her dog for the week that her husband had to travel and she was home alone with their 5 month old for the first time.
Anon says
I actually did that when I had to solo parent for a week when my daughter was 1, but I feel a little ridiculous doing it now that my kid is so much older and more independent. Also not sure we could find someone to take the dog for 3 weeks. But I will look into a dog walker.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi there! We also have a high maintenance dog, and to me…he is more work than my kids. When DH is on travel, I try to outsource the dog stuff as much as possible.
Otherwise the tips here – simple meals, lots of rest for you when you can, a few key activities to ground weekend days around – are great. At this stage in life, I actually savor the solo parenting moments (but not the solo dog owner moments!).
Anonymous says
Where we live, there is something called the “woofy bus” that picks up dogs at a central point in each neighborhood in the morning, takes them to day care, and brings them home in the evening. We haven’t tried it because our dog gets terribly carsick, and I bet it’s expensive, but if this service is available to OP it might be exactly what she needs.
Anon says
This would be an excellent time to enlist help from grandparents. Either have them visit, or visit them.
Mary Moo Cow says
Plan some fun stuff. If you are picking kids up around dinner time, pack a picnic and have park/playground dinner on the way home. Try to make plans with another family at least once so you don’t have to provide the entertainment and you get some adult interaction (like meeting up at a park or having them over for pizza and movie night). Family room picnic with dinner and a movie! Breakfast outing! I find I’m reaching my limit around day 4, so I like to have something to look forward to on day 4. In your shoes, I would book a few hours of a babysitter or mother’s helper for the first and second Sunday you’ll be on your own so you have dedicated time to recharge or tackle tasks. Know your pain points and plan ahead; for me, this is bath and bedtime, so I allow myself to fall onto the couch with a mindless book or tv and do the chores the next day.
Anon says
Do you have any local friends you’ve been meaning to have visit? Maybe it would be a good opportunity to have them come over? I had good friend of mine come to our house for a “tea party” on a Saturday afternoon of solo parenting. It was a nice way to break-up a solo day with my toddler. My kiddo loved it and was on her best behavior. It was really low-key. I just set out tea with tea cups and my friend brought mini cakes from a grocery store. But my kiddo loved having a “tea party”. It can give you both something to look forward to while Dad is away.
Anon says
When I have long solo-parenting stretches with DD (4):
– I take her to visit my parents for the weekend at least once, sometimes twice a month (2 hour drive)
– All the restaurant patios – kiddo thinks it is fun and exciting, relatively COVID-safe, and it’s one less meal I need to plan, make, etc. Sometimes she brings her tablet and I bring my book and we sit in silence until the meal comes reading (or watching) separately. Takes up more time than takeout (on solo weekend days with a no nap, high energy kid, days feel very long), no containers to deal with or dishes to wash, no crumbs on my table, etc.
– She takes showers with me on the weekends instead of bathtime by herself. Weeknight baths are only 2x a week unless she is stinky or visibly dirty.
– Get a sitter for part of the weekend. Use it for something fun and restorative to you.
– Knowing I am going to be a grump and barely hanging on, I try to say yes to silly or fun things in the moment that actually are OK even if not our routine. Yes we can have breakfast for dinner. Yes we can put sprinkles in the pancakes. Yes we can stop at the park on the way home. Yes you can play with a flashlight outside in the dark after dinner. Etc.
Anon says
I totally agree about going to a restaurant vs. takeout. Restaurant, every time. I hate the clean up after and plus, I feel like my food is never hot or fresh enough with takeout. I soloparent 50% of the time with 2 – three years apart, from infancy to present day at age 6 for the oldest. For restaurants, we love vietnamese food and I pay in advance, like when I order (tipping very well, of course), so we can leave when we’re done eating. We also go senior citizen early, so no rush.
AwayEmily says
This is all such great advice.
anonM says
Try to go to bed early/sleep as much as possible because it can be hard to predict when/if they’ll have a really bad day because they miss dad. When I have solo weeks I keep things really basic and don’t plan much, but that’s more M-F. It has helped me to have a post-bedtime phone call with a friend planned – something that doesn’t disrupt LO’s routine or get them too wound up before bed, but then you get some adult interaction.
Anonymous says
I solo parent a lot, 5yo and 2.9yo. My tip is I find weekends the hardest so I find a fun paid activity or plan a fun hike. With warmer weather this is like a petting zoo or something similar. Otherwise I make meals easy and don’t feel bad about screen time from 6:30-7pm so I can clean up the house. We sometimes use this time to go visit family/have them visit but right now one of our kids isn’t sleeping very well.
So Anon says
Totally agree with this. My key has been finding my breaking point, which is generally about 2-3pm on Sunday. If we have all been at home for most of the weekend, we need to get out on Sunday afternoon or the three of us are at each other. I set that as my deadline to be ready for the week, and then aim to get out and enjoy the rest of the day with my kids. Sometimes that is going for a hike or a bike ride or even a pre-planned movie on the couch with popcorn can be great.
I can see 3 weeks being tricky because it is long enough that it’s not just a get-through it/sprint stretch of time, nor is it long enough to need to find long term solutions. My advise is to get yourself a break half or 2/3s of the way through, if you can. If your partner is home at some point, hand over the reigns for a night and spend a night in a hotel, or send kiddo and partner to be with their parents for a weekend.
Paging Clementine says
You had some amazing advice/rules about meeting parents in the foster system, that applies to other situations too. I read it once and swore I’d never forget. Well, I forgot. Can you repost (or someone else, if I have this wrong!)
thanks!
So Anon says
My oldest is going from elementary to middle school this fall. Tonight, from 6-7pm the middle school is hosting an open house/information session for parents. My oldest seems relatively unfazed by this upcoming transition, whereas I have some concerns. He has an IEP for Crohn’s and is also autistic. I had planned on going tonight from 6-6:45 while his little sister was at her lacrosse practice from 5:30-7pm. My youngest woke up last night with a fever, so she is home from school today. She is 8 and ok to stay home for about 30 minutes if I am close by (like on a run around the neighborhood or taking her brother to school that is 5 minutes from the house). Now, going to the open house would involve leaving both kids home alone. I really want to get the information and start getting a sense of how to approach the school and administration about my son, but I don’t fee like I can leave both kids or my daughter home alone for the full time. I don’t want to be “that” parent, but I need some reassurance that it is ok to reach out to the middle school to set up some time to talk about the transition. (And, for those who don’t know, I’m a single parent so this isn’t a situation where one adult can stay and the other go.)
anon says
Reach out to the middle school. You’re fine. And if your kiddo has an IEP, you would likely be having additional conversations beyond the open house anyway, so … carry on.
Anonymous says
This. The big info session is not the place to discuss an IEP anyway.
Anonymous says
This info session would not have given you the opportunity to get any of the info you want any way. Stay home. Talk to your IEP team about how to coordinate the transition.
So Anon says
Thank you all! One of the hardest aspects of being a single parent, for me anyway, is not having anyone to bounce this stuff off of – so you all are that group for me. I tend not to ask any questions about my son’s IEP at these type of events, but I like going so that I don’t have to ask the basic questions when I do meet about his IEP. Ah well.
Spirograph says
If your school is like ours, they might have slides or an info packet or something that are shared at the meeting. Maybe ask for a copy of those if applicable? I agree: skip tonight because the universe is conspiring against you, but definitely reach out to the school to discuss the IEP.
EJF says
I made a post this morning that may still be in mod. A local moms group on F**ebook might be a good start, particularly if you don’t have many in-person connections in the area. I did a search and it looks like there is a Cary Moms group.
Anon says
I said this too and it also went to m0d. I guess F book is a banned term.