Leather (faux or not) is a know-your-office situation, but if it’s a go, this faux leather top gives a traditional silhouette some edge.
This V-neck top pairs puff sleeves with a peplum hem in a soft, faux leather. The tailored cut works well with straight and skinny leg pants or even a pencil skirt. Just add a necklace to accentuate the V-neck and you have, as one commenter put it, “edgy and classy all rolled into one.”
This Faux Leather Puff-Sleeve Peplum Top is available at Ann Taylor for $74.50 (check often for sales). It comes in “mauve rose” (a burgundy or maroon color) and “lavish blue” (a dark teal), and regular sizes XXS–XL as well as petite sizes.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
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Mm says
My almost three year old, who had been sleeping beautifully, has started coming into my bedroom around 2 am every night and joining DH and I in bed. It can be uncomfortable, but I think I’m more well-rested than if I brought her back to her room and went through the process of getting her back to sleep in there. Opinions on whether this just a phase to ride out, or should we be making real efforts to get her back to sleep in her bed?
Anon says
It’s probably a phase that will continue until you stop it. The good news is you can stop it at any time (it may be a little harder if she gets used to weeks in your bed…but she’ll also be older so maybe not.) If it’s working for you now you could let it be, but you’ll probably have to put in effort to get her back in her own bed, so it’s up to you if you want to do that now or later. Tbh I’ve gone through these phases with my kids and in retrospect I’m generally glad I got those extra cuddles and didn’t stress too much.
AIMS says
Every kid is different but for us this was something that only escalated. At some point our kid would wake up at 1130 – before we were even in bed – and demand to migrate. I ended up spending a week miserable, righting the ship (3 really bad nights and then just walking back and being firm) and it has been much better for everyone’s sleep situation. I think the key is to be consistent – some days I really wouldn’t mind a cuddle at like 5 am but it’s too confusing for my kids so unless it’s already time to wake up and we’re just snoozing a bit extra, everyone has to be in their own beds for nighttime.
Anon says
+1. My casual observation of a few really good friends is that this escalated and honestly in some cases became a years long issue. Habits die hard. I’m sure it doesn’t for every kid, but ooh boy is that not a gamble I would be willing to take with something like sleep. YMMV and all that.
Spirograph says
Yeah this is me. We’re trying to break my 6 year old of this habit, which has been going on for a long time. I’m a very sound sleeper and rarely notice when he gets in our bed; but it takes me a while to get back to sleep if I wake up enough that my brain turns on. My husband does notice right away, but his solution is angrily telling DS to go back to his own bed, which results in son crying and me waking up. If he would just quietly pick up the kid and tuck him back in his own bed, that would be fine, but I sleep-tell him to leave son alone if he raises his voice in the middle of the night. It’s a sore point in our household at the moment.
I’d let it ride for a week or two and see if it resolves on its own. Talk with her when she’s awake about staying in her own bed, encourage her to go back if you wake up when she appears. If that doesn’t work, you’ll probably have to resign yourself temporarily to the greater disruption of getting out of bed to head off a long-term problem.
Anon says
For us it was just a short phase and it resolved without us doing anything.
Anonymous says
A compromise might be to create a sleeping area on the floor, but I agree this will not stop for years unless you make it. And it is totally fine for you to decide you don’t want to deal with it right now.
Anonymous says
DH and I dealt with this via cuddles for a few minutes and then bringing kid back to their own bed. We had assigned nights for dealing with kid stuff at night from like birth to age 6 when they all slept through the night consistently. We’d change up nights if someone lucked out with an awake kid on their night a couple times in a row.
Marshmallow says
Caveat that I lean crunchy, but our daughter does this and we at least cuddle her for a while. Once she falls asleep (which is usually very quickly), my husband carries her back into her bed. Occasionally we all fall asleep and she just stays all night. If it were more disruptive of everyone’s sleep, I would feel more strongly about enforcing staying in her own bed, but it’s not a big deal to us. After a short phase where it happened almost every night, sometimes multiple times per night, it has slowed down to just a couple of times per week. OP, I also feel like I’m getting better sleep now than when she would call for us and one of us would need to go in her room and soothe her, so if it’s working for you, that’s all that matters.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our older son does this for a few nights in a row whenever there is some change coming and he is anxious. We’ve let him sleep in our bed for multiple night until we (husband, really, who is the one he cuddles with) almost put out a sleeping bag next to us, but then he stops when the anxiety is lower. Is there anything in particular triggering this now?
Anon says
I think it’s anxiety related for my kid too.
Anon says
i have less tolerance for this than others because I have twins who share a room and don’t want two kids sleeping in my bed, so i very much walk kiddo back to bed.
Anonymous says
Since no one has suggested it yet, here’s what worked when our four year old did this (anxiety related to becoming a big brother, I think). I put a pillow and sleeping bag on the floor next to our bed and told him: “you are welcome to come in here and sleep in your sleeping bag any time. The only rules are: You must start the night in your bed and you may not wake me or dad.” He did it off and on for a several weeks, then stopped. The sleeping bag is still under my bed now that I think about it.
Lizard says
Petition to require retailers to call “faux leather” what it really is: plastic. Please sign below.
Anonymous says
cosign
anon says
Signed!
Anonymous says
I’d accept pleather as well, for nostalgic reasons.
HSAL says
Vegan leather is even worse!
Anon says
Yeah, faux leather doesn’t bother me. It’s faux and it looks like leather. But vegan leather is super eyeroll-y to me.
Anon says
+1
Anonymous says
This top makes me think of the naugahyde couch my parents had for my entire childhood. Nobody ever wanted to sit on that couch, which was probably why it lasted so long.
Anonymous says
SIGNED
Anon says
I can’t imagine wearing a shirt made out of this! I get sticky and sweaty just thinking about it.
Anonymous says
My kid has started refusing to go into daycare – like tantrums getting out of the car, hugging my legs when we get to the classroom, etc. He is 3 and has been going to the same school since he was 1. I don’t think anything has changed recently at school, same teachers, same classmates. I think he’s just in a clingy phase. Any advice for making drop off smoother?
Anon says
My 4 year old did this this past summer. It was just a phase and we just had to ride it out. We tried a bunch of things and nothing worked except the passage of time.
Anonymous says
Solidarity. I carried my 4yo into preschool this morning after she staged a sit-down strike on the sidewalk leading into the school.
Anon says
I recommend a routine when you reach the classroom. We did a hug and a high-five with our clingy kiddo (the high-five doesn’t get prolonged, making it easy for escape, so always do it last). Hand off to a daycare teacher if throwing a fit.
I also have unabashedly carried him (tantruming) from the car to daycare before.
Emma says
Any advice on getting my 6 week old to sleep in the bassinet? She was doing ok for the first three weeks or so but has since decided that she hates lying flat on her back and will only sleep while held or in the stroller/carrier. I’ve tried a heating pad, putting down drowsy, putting down in a deep sleep, putting down very gently feet first… I’ve given in and held her a bit at night to save our sanity, but know it’s not safe and barely get any sleep. Or is it just a phase?
Anonymous says
Snoo
Emma says
Is it really worth it? I’ve thought of it but it’s so expensive! I’m in Canada and don’t have a rental option.
Isabella says
I don’t know about the snoo, but I used a very old fashioned rocking cradle for the first few months. Sometimes LB would sleep deeply after being rocked for awhile. Other nights he would wake up when I stopped rocking, but at least I knew I wasn’t going to drop him off I fell asleep. I believe there are bassinets with a similar setup, anchored on both ends and rocking side-to-side that are not as pricey as a snoo.
Anonymous says
Oh I loved it but I rented
Chl says
It is a phase! Do what you need to keep you all going. Every week is a new baby at the beginning!
Emma says
Thanks! Advice online ranges from “it’s ok, do whatever it takes, this will pass” to “you need to create good sleep habits or your baby will be ruined forever” so I don’t know what to think – I’m new at being a mom and all the advice is a little overwhelming.
Aunt Jamesina says
I feel like bad habits can’t really be formed in the so-called fourth trimester and didn’t focus on sleeping habits until later. The baby wants to be with you at that age and we just did whatever we had to do to get through it. Our kid would absolutely only nap on us the first 10-12ish weeks (although she would sleep overnight in her bassinet, just waking up to nurse).
Daycare got her to be much better with bassinet naps once she started at 16 weeks. I kind of missed the contact naps once they ended TBH.
CCLA says
You’ll find your way somewhere in the middle of those extremes probably. For us, around 6 weeks with our first (and around 2 weeks with our second when we felt like we knew what we were doing more), we focused on a routine – loosely a schedule, understanding it wouldn’t always be perfect, but really prioritizing organizing our days around that routine and target schedule. It made my life, as the primary parent during those first few months on mat leave, much easier to just know this is what the shape of the day will look like. Once we did that, sleep became MUCH better including naps in the crib. We ended up with two great sleepers which I’ll attribute part to the routine and part to luck. For some people, schedules are limiting and frustrating, so know yourself and whether there would be freedom in a schedule or if you would find it stifling. FWIW we used the Moms on Call schedule – I am not a fan of the religious bent of other chapters of the book so just ignored those but the schedules in the back were clutch for us.
Anonymous says
Are you swaddling?
Tea/Coffee says
This! Swaddling got us to the 4 mo regression with both kids. Once they can get out of the swaddle, the starfishy sleeper thingies can be really helpful (i forget what they are called but i know i bought a ton in sleep deprived midnite shopping sprees)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Magic Merlin! I love how kids look in these…
Emma says
We’ve tried every swaddle we could think of and she fights them all – including the Halo sleep sack. I know this is part of the problem because her arms flail and she wakes up…
Anon says
Have you tried swaddling with her arms out? My daughter wanted her arms out so she could suck her fingers from the age of about 2 weeks. Sleep got much better when we accepted that and let her have her arms free.
Anonymous says
Have you tried swaddling with her arms straight down by her sides, or with one arm out?
Aunt Jamesina says
We had a windmill armed newborn, too. I liked the arms up swaddles and then the Merlin best, although they weren’t a magic bullet.
anon says
If you have a practical pediatrician (especially one who has personal experience with children), ask them for advice. Mine was able to really help with “Ok, so following AAP advice will result in you being so sleep deprived as to be riskier than a not AAP-approved sleep option. Here’s how to be as safe as possible while getting sleep.”
Emma says
Thanks – I’ll try that at our next appointment. We got the standard advice at her last check up, but it wasn’t a big issue at that point. Our doctor recently returned from paternity leave so hopefully he has practical experience :)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I think safe co-sleeping is often the next thing to try if she won’t sleep in the bassinet. Remove all blankets and pillows (maybe a small one for you?) and have her sleep in bed with you. She may just want the closeness.
MNF says
If she seems to want her arms up, try the love to dream swaddle. A friend introduced us and it was life changing. Our baby sucked her thumb in utero and continued outside and it was perfect.
Bette says
Second a lot of what was already said – SNOO is amazing and even if you can’t rent, I think has a pretty high resale value so you can recoup a lot of the cost. One thing I didn’t see mentioned is that a gentle weight on the chest may help – lots of memories of falling asleep with my arm draped in the bassinet and my hand resting on my newborn’s chest, because that was the only thing that would help him fall back asleep in the middle of the night, even with all the magic of the SNOO and swaddles. Like a warm weighted blanket for babies.
Even if you don’t find the perfect trick to help, hang in there! Maybe the best advice is actually that at this age, everything is just a phase and her sleeping needs and behaviors will change in a week or two anyway. You got this.
Cl says
Looking for input on traveling with toddler (20 months) – do you bring your own car seat on the plane and plug it into the car rental, or is it easier to rent at the destination? Any other advice relating to this part of logistics? What about just using Uber/ Lyft?
Anon says
We normally brought our own, and at that age pretty much always used it on the plane (around age 3 when we didn’t need it on the plane, we sometimes checked it). I had a bad experience with a rental car carseat once, so we’ve avoided that. Ubers and Lyfts do not have carseats, expect I think in some cities like NYC it’s possible to order a special Uber that has a carseat. But that’s not a widespread thing at all.
We liked the Cosco Scenera Next and then Cosco Finale for plane travel. They’re lightweight and easy to install.
Anon says
Bring your car seat on the plane. Opinions differ, and lugging a car seat through an airport isn’t the most fun thing you’ll ever do, but it’s safest.
Lizard says
Your comment had me Googling, and you’re right, the official FAA and AAP recommendation is to use a car seat for children on the plane. Whoops!
Anon says
The AAP recommends a lot of things that are pretty silly and/or unachievable for most families though. Planes are much safer than cars, and the airplane seatbelt can all but eliminate the only serious risk (injury during turbulence). We used a car seat on planes, but it was for convenience not safety reasons.
Anonymous says
But that’s the point? Car seats are not required on planes and you can have a lap infant until 2 because it’s safer to fly than drive and not having more stringent requirements makes it more feasible for more people to fly. But that doesn’t mean that if your choice is fly w/carseat vs fly w/no carseat, there’s no safety reason to use the carseat.
Anon says
What other things does the AAP recommend that are “pretty silly and/or unachievable for most families”?
Anonymous says
Off the top of my head, exclusive BFing for 6 months and continued BFing until at least age 2. Baby must sleep in the parents’ room for the first 6 months, preferably 12 months. Basically that mothers are not human and exist solely to serve the needs, imagined or real, of infants.
Anon says
I was thinking specifically of baby sleeping in the parents room for 12 months, which our board certified ped actually told was unnecessary and overly cautious. If you look at the data, SIDS deaths drop dramatically around 6 months, so beyond that age it has limited value. No one in our family slept well with our 6 month old in the room and as soon as we moved her we were all sleeping so much better. Given how closely sleep deprivation is tied to things like car accident risk, I believe it was not only better for our sanity but actually lowered our child’s risk of death to move her.
I also think no screens at all before 2 years is not achievable for a lot of families, especially single parents and families where one parent travels a lot for work.
Anonymous says
We have always bought a seat for the baby and brought a car seat with us on the plane — the infant one until he grew out of that and then the Cosco Scenera Next.
Anon says
We use the Cosco too. The only downside is that if you’re forward facing in the plane, the belt loop path goes directly through the back seat and the plane’s seatbelt will be squarely under your child’s back. They may or may not care, but it seems uncomfortable. The belt extender doesn’t resolve it. Other than that it’s lightweight and easy to carry.
Anon says
My kid is…sensitive, let’s just say…and we never had an issue with our Cosco seat, which probably went on two dozen plane flights.
Anonymous says
At that age I strap them into the car seat on the plane and then install the car seat in the rental car. The car seat helps contain the wiggles on the plane.
We don’t do rideshare or taxis with car seats. Too complicated. Rental car or public transit only.
Anne-on says
Bring it on the plane. I’ve only ever had bad experiences with rental places having the car seats they claim they will have. Buy one of the rolling transport handles for the car seat if your kid is ok being strapped in for the ride through the airport, that made our life a lot easier! We skipped Uber/Lyft on vacations because we avoided city trips for a LONG time, until my kid was like 7? We either got a hotel close to where we wanted to be (stayed at Disney properties for example) or were on a resort/beach area where you didn’t really need a car/everything was walkable.
Anon says
Just echoing that unfortunately we also avoided Uber/Lyft on vacation with little kids (even though we use them on the reg as adults in normal life). Even if you have a light/easy enough car seat that you can strap in with just the seatbelt quickly and feel comfortable doing that (as opposed to a full anchor install which would obviously not work in the time frame you have getting in an Uber) then you have this car seat with you at whatever your destination is to carry around. The logistics are just too much. We either drive ourselves to vacation or rent a car.
Unlike other posters we actually have just rented the car seat along with the rental car once they were out of an infant seat and it’s been fine, but YMMV if you are willing to roll the dice. I would only stick to one of the major super large car rental companies if you do this. (The worst case is if they don’t have one, one of you does an emergency drive to a WalMart or Target in the rental car and buys a car seat if needed, which would obviously suck, but to me I was willing to take that small risk in order to not have to carry around two toddler car seats on the dozens of vacations we did with toddlers).
Anon says
We took Lyft to/from airports a bunch in cities where we didn’t need a car once we got into the city. IMO not worth renting a car just for the airport trip, and installing a carseat in a Lyft was easier for us than navigating public transit with a tired kid.
NYCer says
As usual when this topic comes up, I will be a dissenter and say we never used a car seat for our kid on the plane. We would check a car seat (Cosco first and eventually Wayb) with our other checked luggage, but just let the kids sit on the plane. They both hated car seats when they were little, so it was never worth the fight for us.
FVNC says
+1. My kids are small and always sat in my or my husband’s lap before age 2. After that, regular airplane seat. We’ve checked car seats many times, never any issues.
OP says
Thank you each and everyone for your responses – you’re the best. First vacation since pre-birth!
Lizard says
We would typically travel with a car seat, but check it through to baggage claim (most airlines allow this for free) and install it in whatever car was at the destination – usually a rental. A car seat is not needed on the plane – your little buddy will probably be happier with the flexibility that the seat provides. Actually at 20 months you could still take them as a lap child!
Anonymous says
If you install the car seat on the plane, do not let the seat belt buckle get inside the car seat belt path. Demand an extender so you have a buckle outside the belt path. Ask me how I know.
Anonymous says
Ugh this happened to me once when I traveled with our Nuna car seat. I couldn’t get the car seat out and they had to call a plane engineer to come on the plane and remove the seat belt, which delayed the next flight. I was alone with a 16 month old, who was occupied locking me out of my phone during the ordeal.:)
We then got a costco one which we’ve taken on the plane several times. The buckle in her back does bother her though so most recently (she’s 2 now) I’ve checked the car seat and she flies without it. I feel like it is rolling dice either way, and lugging the car seat through the airport solo with her just wasn’t worth it for me.
Strollers for 2 says
Favorite side-by-side stroller for two children (one toddler 2+, one newborn)?
Not worried about heaviness factor. Ideally something with two seats but where one could be swapped out and that side could accept an infant carseat or bassinet (guessing with whatever add-on attachments we’d need to buy for the conversion).
We make extremely off-the-charts tall babies so needs to be something with a super tall height max.
AwayEmily says
Doing the annoying thing where I answer another question than the one that is asked BUT I received this advice and used it so am passing it on just in case — we had two under two and avoided the double stroller. For the first 1.5 years of the baby’s life we would put the baby in the Ergo and the toddler in the stroller. Then we switched to a foldable wagon for both kids, and we still use it today (kids are 4 and 6). We went this route largely because it was much cheaper and we only used the stroller ~4 times a week, but if cost isn’t an issue and/or you are stroller commuters please ignore.
Strollers for 2 says
So we’ll need to buy a new stroller regardless because our toddler is basically at the height max for our current stroller (40 inches). No way to continue using the current stroller for the toddler for more than another month or so, unfortunately.
Not stroller commuters but generally walk 2ish miles with the stroller at least 3-4 days a week, plus playground trips and shorter strolls.
AwayEmily says
Makes sense! Mine still fits in our Britax at age 5, but he’s average-sized and the Britax is pretty flexible. There are also fancy “stroller wagons” that can handle infant seats and can be used either as a wagon or a stroller –I kind of regret not springing for the Veer wagon when my second was born. The nice thing about wagons is that they are useful for longer than strollers (esp if you have tall kids).
I don’t have one but my neighbor LOVES their double bob.
Spirograph says
We never got a double stroller and never missed it, but we did get a double-seat bike trailer and the stroller attachment for it. I wanted it for biking, but we definitely got our money’s worth out of the stroller attachment, too. We only used it to walk around the neighborhood/to the playground, and it was comfy and convenient for that; it is absolutely not a substitute for a double stroller if you want to be able to put it in the car and go run errands or something. We also used our wagon – toddler on one side, bucket seat with infant on the other side.
Like AwayEmily, I generally preferred one kid in the ergo, one in the stroller.
anonM says
I got a cheap Graco RoomFor2 Stroller/sit and stand resale. Carseat can go in front. It was bulky but served its purpose until we could got to the foldable wagon.
Counter-point on Ergo — if you have pelvic floor/back problems, your doc may advise you not to baby-wear. A cheap resale double may be a good backup.
Str says
Thanks! Didn’t have any back or pelvic floor issues from the first pregnancy/delivery, and so far nothing has cropped up during second pregnancy, so fingers crossed!
Can’t do a secondhand stroller, unfortunately (husband has OCD for germs and baby gear from someone we don’t know is a bridge too far – yes, he’s done a lot of therapy and is MUCH better than he used to be, so this is not the hill to die on).
Anon says
I’m in a similar situation. If I was willing to spend 2k I’d get the bugaboo donkey5. You can also make the seats parent facing, which not many side by side strollers can do. The seats also can sit very upright, which my toddler likes.
But right now I’m leaning toward the Bumbleride Indie Twin (BRIT), which doesn’t have removable seats but has an infant insert so you can theoretically place baby in it from birth. It has flame retardant free fabric. It’s half the price of the donkey.
I also considered the BOB dualie, which would be good for your tall kiddos, but there is no bassinet attachment (can attach an infant car seat though). You can’t beat the BOB for durability and going over all sorts of bumps and holes on the road. I need something I can use from birth and I don’t want to put the baby in an infant car seat for walks, which is why I’m probably not going to get the BOB dualie even though I love my single BOB
Hmmmm says
Double Bob! It’s pricey but worth it, especially for tall kiddos.
Anon. says
Cosign. We love our Double Bob. It was stupid expensive from my perspective but we still use it weekly with our 5 and 2.5 year olds who have always been top of the growth charts. There’s an adapter to use with an infant car seat. I also expect that it will have at least some resale value when we are done with it (We have literally been approached by multiple people including strangers on the street with interest in buying it used.)
It is heavy and a pain to travel with, but that’s not our use case.
We also have a single Bob that we used with toddler + baby wearing infant and now use for toddler alone when 5 year old can walk.
Anonymous says
Yes double Bob especially if it’s not going in and out of the car a lot. My kids are both 99% height and we just got rid of it, oldest is 5.5. Buy it used if cost is the issue. My 2nd hated the stroller until 6 months so I babywore/used single Bob. And I’d walk like 3 miles like that.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We have the City Mini Double Jogger, which is STILL used by my 4 and 6 year olds. It’s great. I don’t know if there is a way to strap an infant carseat on there, but after baby is 6 months or so (maybe even 4 months?), they can sit in the seat just fine.
anon says
We used the City Mini GT, which can take newborns in the usual seat because it reclines completely flat. We had my babies in there within a couple days of coming home from the NICU.
That being said, I’m pretty sure you can get attachments for the side-by-side City Minis that will take one infant seat (not 2, so I never looked too closely at this because twins).
Anon says
i would recommend the City Mini GT, The Bumbleride Indie Twin or the Thule or Bob, depending on how badly you want a bassinet. Read Lucie’s List
EDAnon says
So do we and we love it. Kids are also 4 and 6 and we still use it.
Ccla says
We adored the Zoe double, but didn’t acquire it until baby was a few months old so unsure if it supports an infant seat. That thing was so nimble and made me ditch our uppababy vista much sooner than planned. We also loved the jogging stroller (Thule, I’m sure Bob is great too!) but found it was more cumbersome than we wanted for taking in and out of the car so we ended up keeping the jogger for runs only and using the zoe for everything else.
Anonymous says
Stroll Air Duo. One forward facing and one rear facing as an option without the bugaboo donkey price was clutch
startup lawyer says
I’d get a wagon that allows for an infant seat attachment over a double stroller.
Runner says
I need a gut check. Long narrative, and I have a plan of action, but I want to see if this wise-hive has any other thoughts or plans of action I am not seeing.
I was finally able to visit/volunteer at my almost-four-year-old’s preschool yesterday. It’s a public charter Montessori which goes preschool-grade 5, with preschool parents paying a (relatively) small amount of money and kindergartners and up just free. The classrooms are mixed age, with my daughters class being preschool-kindergarten. The schedule for the preschool kids is slightly different — i.e., they have a nap room that they go to while kindergarteners do “work”, they have a few more recesses and a separate music class, etc.
20 kids in the class, and the teacher has a classroom assistant who is….incredibly non-emotive, disconnected from the kids, and borderline unkind. When I was there one of the kids accidentally banged his head against the wall during recess and she just let him hysterically cry for a while. I finally got down to his level and asked him how he was and then she dragged him off to the school nurse. Other parents have noticed this as well. I’m planning on talking to the principal about it; it seems clear to me that she isn’t a good fit and I think they are aware.
The main teacher had me do flashcards with some of the kindergartners (recognizing letters) out in that hall, and one student had some large behavioral issues, so much that I gave up and took her inside. The teacher was okay in interacting with that kid, but I left feeling like she had been labeled as a bad kid and was not receiving the services she needed to. I also was left feeling that the teacher probably spent a decent amount of time trying to manage the 2-3 kids with behavior issues and I wondered how much attention she could give other kids (especially with a sub par assistant). My daughter seemed to be treated fine, but it made me sad that this was happening to her peers, and it seemed like there’s a decent amount of benign neglect?
My ask of this community is what should my expectations be, in general? I left my volunteer time with a large amount of appreciation for how hard it is to be a teacher, how much kids aren’t a clean slate when they come into the classroom, etc. BUT some of the stuff seemed unacceptable.
My current action plan is — talk to principal about the classroom assistant. Continue to volunteer, and to shop preschools this fall and spring. I love what they are trying to do there but I’m not sure they fully pull it off. BUT, in public education, does anyone ever fully pull it off?
Anonymous says
This all seems extremely typical for a public or charter school. Kids with behavior problems take up all of the teacher’s attention, most of the day is devoted to transitions between activities rather than actual instruction, etc. I have no experience with private school but imagine it must be a little better because they can just refuse to accept kids with behavioral issues.
OP says
Yeah so then…is there any answer to that or does it just turn out that the kids are alright, anyway?
Anonymous says
Public school is just miserable for many kids, especially those who learn quickly. What you need to do in most public schools is to get your kid out of mainstreamed classrooms and into a magnet or at least a tracked program.
Runner says
A magnet preschool?
Runner says
But…a magnet preschool?
Anonymous says
Of course there is no such thing as a magnet preschool! OP’s question seemed to be more big-picture.
This is why I would never do public preschool, though.
NY says
+1. The assistant teacher seems like a problem, but the rest seems very typical of public schools.
Anonymous says
I would say the assistant teacher sounds pretty typical too, especially with the staffing problems schools are having these days. I don’t think you can expect much more.
Anon says
My experience is limited to private school, for various reasons we’ve never sent our kids to public school, but I think especially at the younger ages the size of private school is a huge advantage. For example, I have two kids at the same school. Each grade has two classes of 14-16 (so roughly 30 kids per grade). In PreK, K, and 1st there’s a main teacher and assistant teacher and then from 2nd grade up its just the main teacher. There are no students with serious behavior problems or special ed, but there are still kids who are absolutely still disruptive but the school generally has more resources to deal with those kids (there’s 1 mental health counselor for every 200ish students, there’s a learning specialist (1 reading, 1 math, 1 general) for every 150ish students). Teachers frequently pull individual students or small groups of students aside for individual instruction (for example, they’ll split recess into groups rather than the entire class going at once) and have resources for behavior issues. Also, in my experience in comparing experiences with other friends there are more rules and more consequences in private school. But, when my son was very disruptive (prior to being diagnosed for ADHD), they focused on finding the source of the behavior (they were the ones who suggested he get tested for ADHD) rather than just punishing it.
Aunt Jamesina says
I think a lot of the reason behind the public versus private discrepancies is that private schools can push or kick out students who are too much for them to handle or who have special needs they don’t want to (or can’t) accommodate.
Anon says
I think benign neglect is the wrong phrase here. “Benign neglect” is good…it means letting kids be bored, not rushing to entertain them every minute, letting them work through problems themselves, etc.
Ignoring a hurt child doesn’t seem ok to me, and I have never seen that at our expensive preschool or our public schools (my kid is 4 but I volunteered in elementary school pre-Covid). I would call that actual neglect. Maybe not legally, but morally.
The teacher ignoring the class to focus on kids who are acting out is maybe not ideal but much more common, and at that age kids mainly need to be interacting with peers anyway. It wouldn’t really worry me.
OP says
Thanks! Yes the classroom assistant is really the big issue, in my opinion.
Anon says
Agree with this. The hurt child jumped out as a huge red flag. The behavioral issues are present everywhere and the reality of any school, public and to a lesser extent private. If the classroom assistant were qualified, I think the behavioral issues would be manageable.
Anonymous says
I’m surprised at the ratios – our area is 1:8 for preschool age so that classroom should have had at least 3 teachers if they were all 4 year olds. I can’t imagine a teacher not helping a hurt child – that’s awful.
Anon says
1:8 is crazy low!! My state is 1:15 for preschool (3-5 year olds), although our preschool seems to normally have at least two adults in the room of 20 kids.
Anonymous says
I disagree this is typical of public preschool, my kids go to public preschool in DC and while there are behavior issues, as I’m sure there are in literally any school with preschoolers, I was really impressed with the teacher’s management of the class every time I was there (about a 8-1 ratio for prek3, 10-1 for prek4). And based on the texts I’ve gotten updating me when my daughter has had minor issues (for example I got one this week about how she was missing me, and the teacher was giving her extra snuggles), I think some schools are very in tune to student’s emotions. I would not be ok with any of the things you are seeing and I think you could do better, school wise, and assistant teacher wise.
anon says
Ideas, thoughts on how to answer the repeated question, “What do I do?” (Imagine said in the whiny voice of a 2 year old and 7 year old :) ) This usually happens when we are trying to make dinner, clean up, etc., in other words, when we aren’t giving them 100% attention. I usually try to answer seriously (read a book, draw/color, play with Magnatiles, etc) or with a tongue-in-cheek response (clean your room! take a nap! practice your handwriting!). But I’m getting worn out! And most of that rarely works anyway, resulting in both of them following us around the kitchen. Yes, we do try to involve them in dinner-making but it’s not always possible (hot water, sharp knifes portion of dinner making). Videos are last resort because we usually do screen time in the morning before school or for the 7 yo when the 2 yo is getting ready for bed. Any advice or commiseration welcome!
Anonymous says
I usually suggest something they don’t want to do so they come up with a better idea on their own. Also “I am making dinner and it’s dangerous to have people underfoot. You need to be in another room now.”
Anon says
This. You can help me do X chore or you can go play alone. She always chooses solo play.
Anon says
ok what do you do when your kid is scared of being in a room alone while awake. one of my 4 year old twins is pretty petrified of this. She literally completely lost it the other day bc she was in a room with 4 kids and no adult was in the room too. at night she and her sister share a room and she manages ok most of the time, but she will not go play in another room, even if her sister is with her. BUT that time of day si also when i typically resort to screens
Lizard says
For the 7 year old, have you tried responding in a way that sets a boundary rather than accommodating or actually trying to answer the question? This seems like a situation where you could say, “I am making dinner right now, so I can’t help you with questions about what you should do. Please leave the kitchen while I am working.” If they don’t listen and continue to pester you, you could enforce a consequence because at that point they are misbehaving by not doing what you’ve reasonably asked.
For the 2 year old, I mean, I don’t really think there’s anything you can do to control the behavior. I forget, is 2 too old to plop them in a high chair or booster chair with an activity at the table or counter? That might be a solution.
AwayEmily says
Mostly commiseration, I am in the same boat (and we also reserve our screen time for the morning so I’m loathe to use it in the afternoon). For my kids, during that post-school witching hour they need one step more specific than a general suggestion. Like, instead of “play with magnatiles,” I go into the playroom and take the magnatiles off the shelf and say “can you build a race track with these”? Or instead of saying “go color,” I take out a coloring book they haven’t used in awhile and say “can you color in a page from here to send to your cousin?” It doesn’t work 100% (and will probably work better for the 7yo than the 2yo) but it helps a bit. Bonus points if the suggested activity is outside (my favorite is “go play outside, but whatever you do, do NOT spy through the windows at the grownups”).
Cb says
Sit down with the 7-year-old and have her make a list of 5 things? Then you can point to the list. Is there a breakfast bar where you could set out magnatiles or crayons etc? Maybe they want to be near you. Or bribe the 7 year old to entertain the 2 year old, with a bonus for no fighting. I only have one kid so no idea why I’m weighing in here, but my 5 year old has started doing lego at the island while we are cooking (particularly when we’re solo parenting)
Spirograph says
When my kids are asking this, it actually should be translated as “can I have screentime?” My answer is “you have lots of toys, but if none of them seem like fun right now, you can clean your room.” Always. If you give them real suggestions, they’ll just keep asking. :)
Our kitchen is very small, so unless the kids have been invited to actively help, they’re not allowed to linger there while someone’s cooking. The are welcome to sit at the table and talk to me / get ahead on their homework if they don’t want to find something else to do.
EP-er says
I say “Only boring people are bored!” which my kids hate. Definitely appropriate for the 7 year old, but the 2 year old is a different story. I don’t think it is reasonable to have a 2 year old come up with something on their own. I like the suggestion of a list/special toy for them to pick from when you are busy. Maybe playdoh in the high chair can be the special making dinner activity?
Also, it sounds like both of you are cooking/cleaning at the same time? The answer then is divide & conquer.
Spirograph says
I love and am stealing “only boring people are bored!” and also, I missed the 2 year old at first… OP, if you can’t tap your 7 year old to do something with the 2 year old as a special big sibling responsibility, playdoh at the table or something similar seems like a good bet. We still have all our playdoh stuff in the bottom of a closet near the dining room so that it’s easy to get out and put away as a quick before-dinner activity.
Anonymous says
I kick them outside (I can see the backyard from my kitchen). We invested in a swingset, playhouse, sandbox and it’s been the best money spent. If there’s two of you home then obviously one person cooks while the other watches the kids. We do not cook elaborate meals, I maybe do 1-2x/month and the expectation is my DH is fully in charge if I’m cooking a fancy meal (I CAN cook really well, just hard with small kids). Kids can draw at the table if they want to be close. Generally dinner time is chaotic, you aren’t alone, but I have no problem saying “get out of the kitchen!” If I’m searing meat or pouring boiling water. Boredom is part of life and not bad.
Anonymous says
At this age, I sat them up at the kitchen table with an activity – legos, play doh, magnatiles, drawing etc. One activity per day. They were free to go to playroom for another activity but they often liked to play in the kitchen while I was there. When it’s time to set the table, they help clear up the activity and put down plates etc. Being in sight and hearing to see and talk to me was more popular than being in the playroom.
Anne-on says
At this age I sat my kid at the island or the kitchen table with some raw fruit/veggies that I was chopping for dinner, offered a glass of milk, and let them ‘keep me company’ by coloring, telling me about their day/doing magnatiles/etc. The one hard and fast rule was that they had to stay on the other side of the island (away from my work triangle of fridge/sink/stove) so that they were safe. If they (or I) was having a really hard day I would also just cave and do 30 minutes of a show. Frankly, 30 minutes of screentime before family dinner so the adult could cook without having to navigate a kid seems worth it to me. But I also liked having my kid hang out and chat to me if they were up for it!
DLC says
Sometimes I ask them, “What do you want to do?” Often with my kids it means there is something they have in mind but the don’t want to ask if they can do it.
Do you have space to set them up in the kitchen with an activity? I let my three year old “wash” dishes while I cook – I give her a sponge and a bowl of soapy water and let her wash the unbreakable things. Can the seven year old set the table? Or sometimes my husband sits on the floor in the kitchen while I make dinner and feeds the kids pretzels. :) I don’t mind my kids in the kitchen while I cook – we have very clear rules like they can’t stand next to me when I have knives, and that when mom or dad say, “Hot Pan!” or “Opening the Oven” they have to go stand in the dining room until we give them the all clear.
Also – does “What do I do?” mean they are hungry? Sometimes I will put some pre-dinner on the table for them – like cut up veggies or fruit and that will keep them out of my way.
After dinner, they either need to help clean or they need to clear out and amuse themselves. I tell them, “It’s time to clean up after dinner – you can either help or I can do it on my own. If I have to do it on my own, it will take longer and cut into book/tv time. If you help, we will have more time for books/ tv when it is all done.”
Anonymous says
Have them set the table or empty the dishwasher? (If your 2 year old is tall enough to reach the silverware drawer.) My 4 year old often just get plopped on the counter to watch in that situation if he rejects setting the table. Another thing we do, since really at that time of day my kids just want CONNECTION WITH MOM AND DAD, is have our 7 year old write mad libs for us – in this scenario he would be asking 4 year old and me for the suggestions while I’m cooking and writing them down – 4 year old loves it and stays occupied (needs some hints about parts of speech but loves hearing the final product). That might not quite work for you as well just yet as 2 year old is less likely to be interested, but your 7 year old might like it.
Anonymous says
I thought that screens were invented specifically to enable parents to cook dinner.
First Time Mom says
I am 5 months pregnant with my first child and a little overwhelmed with the car seat and stroller options. What infant car seats and strollers did you all buy? And were you pleased with your purchases?
Anonymous says
I liked the Baby Bargains website to compare options. I’ll also give a shout out to the Mockingbird stroller, it’s a dupe for the Uppababy (Vista I think?) and half the cost. They have great customer service and sent us a replacement part for free when a part broke after more than a year of use.
Anon says
Counterpoint: I wanted the mockingbird and my SO convinced me to get the Uppababy. We live in the city and walk everywhere, and it was 100% the right choice. Two of my friends have the mockingbird and when we’re on walks together it is clearly visible that the UB is much higher quality construction. (Eg brakes are more “solid”, less bumpy ride for the kid, better designed sun shade, longer length bassinet lasted an extra few months for us than the mockingbird would have which was important since it was our overnight sleep solution). Mockingbird is still a great stroller, especially if you’re in the suburbs, but we are very happy we went with UB.
For car seat we love the Chico key fit 35(? 30?)
Anon says
Chicco Keyfit 30 and the stroller frame it snaps into. When kiddo outgrew the infant seat we got a $100 umbrella stroller from Target. We were very happy with the seat and that stroller option and I’m very glad I didn’t spend $500+ on a fancy stroller. We live in suburbia and only used the stroller for walks around the neighborhood though. Ymmv if you have a stroller commute.
Anonymous says
Yes. Any infant seat is fine and a snap n go or similar. Wait and see if you are a stroller family or not – I expected we would be, and bought a fancy umbrella stroller and a BOB – and it turned out both parents preferred to use a carrier and we did not use the strollers very often. Also think about where you’ll be walking – our current neighborhood has a lot of gravel roads (yes, we live in a city, it’s weird) and when we DID use a stroller the Bob was more comfortable. Strollers are also really easy to get used from a neighborhood fb group or similar.
An.On. says
I got the nuna pipa car seat with base and stroller, and it’s expensive, but very nice. We liked that we could just buy multiple bases for the various cars the baby was in (mine, husbands, grandparents) and it was incredibly easy to install and lightweight. However, the nuna pipa is infant only, and I had no idea that you switch out to, like a 3-in-1 carseat when they get bigger, so we got about 1 year of use out of it and if I’d known that’s how long it would have lasted I would have gone for something less luxurious. Also the stroller we still use, but a cup holder or tray are sold separately. I used Lucie’s List for recommendations.
Anonymous says
This probably isn’t helpful but I’ve purchased cheap and expensive and it really doesn’t seem to matter all that much. Chico and Graco are decent options. I’d go with a “system” where the car seat fits into the stroller, at least at first. I would also register for a decent jogging stroller. I like babytrend but I’m cheap and my kids destroy stuff. Thule and Bob are the most common I see for serious runners/moms who walk their kids everywhere.
Anon says
read Lucies List. It is th best for reviews and determining what will work best for your lifestyle
Anon says
+1
DLC says
We got the Chicco Keyfit30 as well because our first baby arrived 6 weeks early and it was the only carseat that we could get in store that could accommodate a baby under 5 lbs. It’s the only one we’ve had through three kids so I don’t have anything else to compare it to, but it’s is easy to install and buckle and extra bases are easy to find. I feel like for infant seats, they are pretty much all the same unless you are looking at something like the Doona which converts into a stroller.
For stroller – we got a snap n go frame (where you just put the car seat in it) off Craigslist for $20 and used that for the first six months until we got a better sense of what our stroller needs were. It turns out I preferred to babywear, so I let my husband pick the stroller that he wanted. (UppaVista – which he loved. I never thought we’d have that stroller, but we bought the floor model from Buy Buy Baby an it only cost us about $300. They also have great customer service. We used that stroller hard for ten years and they repaired it at least twice.)
Anon says
We went with a Chicco KeyFit travel system and have been very pleased. The stroller is on its third kid! (Car seat was replaced because of expiration, but we got the same kind.)
We have a lot of strollers and use them all. The Chicco was great for the first several months around the neighborhood when baby had to ride in the car seat; we also mainly keep it in the car for errands and activities out and about, even after baby is out of the infant seat.
We have an umbrella stroller that was great for our daily neighborhood walks.
We have a Bob jogger that we love for jogging, walks on terrain (eg, the beach, trails through woods) and heavy-duty adventures like the zoo. It’s easy to push and comfortable for kids to nap in!
We also have a secondhand double stroller since we have had multiple small kids at once (City Mini side by side – love it!)
You don’t need all those to start, but hopefully my explanations will help clarify which might be most useful for you.
Anon says
One recommendation for thinking of strollers – I was very against the expensive brands because I just didn’t think I would use a stroller that much. I remember my husband and I kind of side-eying friends who got the ritzy one because the husband liked the hydraulics. We all live in the suburbs, no place to walk (e.g., stores), commute anywhere we would take the baby, so I got the Chicco system. I really really discounted how much time I would spend walking a baby around the neighborhood. So even if you live in the burbs like me, think about your own comfort for your daily walks. If your neighborhood’s sidewalks are bumpy, look at the non-basic options!
Anonymous says
Nuna is a great car seat. For strollers, get something like an uppababy if you do things like errands/ transit on foot.
Spirograph says
I don’t think it matters very much, honestly. We had a City Elite stroller, which was gifted to us after we’d already bought a Britax bucket seat. I bought an adapter to be able to put it on the stroller. It lasted through 3 infants, and with a few years distance I can’t remember any frustrations with that solution. You can achieve the same thing with a “system” but as long as the end result is that you can pick up the bucket seat and plop it on your stroller, it doesn’t matter how you got there.
City Elite is wide and I wouldn’t recommend it for lots of city use / going in and out of stores (especially smaller businesses), but I always preferred baby-wearing for those situations. If the baby came grocery shopping with me, I would just put the bucket seat directly in the cart. It was wonderful for my primary use case of going for walks outdoors, and it folded and unfolded easily for storage or getting in and out of the car
Anon says
Slightly contrarian, but we never did an infant seat- just went straight to the convertible car seat since they’re fine for infants 5 lbs and up. My husband and I both bought one and they’re permanently installed in our cars. It worked well for us- but I think it’s very much a lifestyle thing.
We got the Mockingbird stroller and I love it- it’s still going strong a year later. It/the Vista are BEASTS though, so you may want something smaller if there are any stairs involved or if it’s going in your car often.
Overnight pull-ups says
I know I’m posting late, so if I’ve really missed critical mass I’ll try again tomorrow, but figured I’d give it a shot anyway: my 3.5 year old is solidly potty trained but still wears a pull-up (Good Nites brand) at night. Some nights he pees so much he wakes up at 3am with a wet bed, because the pull-up has overflowed. Can anyone recommend a more absorbent overnight pull-up? Has anyone successfully used Sposies (which we used and liked when he was still a baby in diapers) or similar on this situation? If so, what size (I see Sposies has a 2t-5t, and also a “Super Sposie for youth)? Do we really have to just bite the bullet and do a dream pee? Any other strategies I’m missing?
Anon says
Does he get up to go on his own at night ever (aka does he need to be able to pull them off and on)? Ours didn’t, and our strategy was to stick with night diapers until they were mostly dry.
NYCer says
+1. We use regular Huggies Overnights, not a pull-up.
Anon says
Yeah a night diaper should be more absorbent than a pull up. I would just use that.
Overnight pull-ups says
Almost never gets out of bed to pee and if he does, he yells for assistance, so we could help him manage a diaper. Maybe this is a dumb question, but are overnight diapers more absorbent than overnight pull-ups? I assumed they were roughly the same innards in different packaging.
AwayEmily says
We found overnight diapers slightly LESS absorbent than pull-ups, actually. Or maybe the elastic is just looser? Either way we had more leakage with diapers.
My 4.5yo is still in night pull-ups and still has leakage issues sometimes so we haven’t solved this either. But we did find that the Huggies Night-Time Pull-Ups were more absorbent than the Good Nites.
Anonymous says
Consider sizing up in overnight pull up. I also stuck a super giant maxi pad in my older son’s night diaper then night pull up for like two years. It helped 70 percent of the time. Younger son does not have this issue so maybe some kids just save all their pee. for night. It felt weird to be buying giant maxi pads just for this purpose but it definitely helped keep pajamas and sheets drier and helped us all sleep more. You might also consider taking him to the bathroom at 11 pm or whenever you go to bed- after ours was dry at night we did this so he didn’t wake up at 5 am to pee. It somehow didn’t disrupt his sleep at all (we did it from like nearly 5 to 7)- just pick up, take to the toilet, carry back to bed.
anon says
We got Peejamas (google it) for similar overnight heavy wetting and they are great. Definitely cut out almost all of the night waking from being wet, and the daily bedding cleanup. Downsides: they are expensive, and they take forever to dry once washed.
To be clear, we put the peejama bottoms on over a night diaper. It’s bulky, but functional.
TheElms says
My 3.5 year old girl wears a spoosie in her Goodnites and it stops the overflow. We use the 4-6 size spoosie in a XS goodnites. DD is about 37 lbs for size reference.
Anonymous says
We put a disposable waterproof pad down over the bottom sheet in case of overflow. The ones we used had adhesive so they’d stay put, and each one would last several days if it get wet. It looks like Depends makes them.