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Cb says
Walkie talkies! We got a 3 pack for my son’s birthday and they’ve dramatically decreased the amount of yelling up and down stairs that happens. I mean, I was on a call and heard “paging mumma, paging mumma… do you need a cup of tea? T out.” which sent my colleagues into hysterics, but it’s better than barging in.
These have good range so they are nice for playing in the garden and in the little wood in front of our house.
Vicky Austin says
that is hilarious and so adorable!
NLD in NYC says
Post-kids, what makes a vacation feel like a vacation (i.e. relaxing vs doing life in another place)? Sometimes trips can seem pointless: why go somewhere else when we could have gone to the zoo/aquarium/museum/water park/etc. in our hometown? But while staycations can be nice, I need to get on a plane at least once of year for my soul to be happy. DS is still young (<6 years). I do tell myself, "this is a trip, not a vacation," as a reminder of my season. But just curious if others have found a way to make trips more vacation-like with young kids.
Anon says
I think phrases like “this is a trip, not a vacation” set you up for failure. If you go into it with low expectations and your only plans are things you could have done at home, then of course it’s not going to feel like a vacation. Find things that are unique to the area that you’re visiting and take your kid along with you to do them. Going to England, for example, may include walking just like it does at home, but you could walk along castle ramparts and imagine out loud what life might have been like then. Get playful and creative.
Anon says
There was a thread about this recently, I think last week. My tips:
-Bring more adults if possible. We traveled pretty often with grandparents. I know some people bring a nanny or au pair.
-booking a hotel or house with a beautiful (preferably oceanfront) view, so you can relax and enjoy the view even when kiddo is in bed
-in general I think beach resorts are the easiest vacation with little kids. Bonus points if the resort has a kids club and your kid will go, so you get some alone time
-age 5-6 is a big turning point and vacations with older kids are definitely easier and feel more vacation-y
Anon says
Yes, if you have a good relationship then traveling with family (or at least grandma) is great. It truly feels different than normal life because you are with more people, making memories. Plus the extra hands are key. We are currently on our yearly beach vacation in Cape Cod with my parents, sisters and 9 kids between us and it always feels like a vacation, despite the hard points
Anon says
This isn’t directed at you, just at the world in general— but why does it seem like all the parenting hacks require grandparent support or lots of extra money to hire a nanny?
Boston Legal Eagle says
It’s cliche but it takes a village. Parenting was never meant to be a solo sport, and it’s a lot to ask of two adults to do it all.
Cb says
Yeah, we have an only child with no local family, and I offer a lot of favours because we sometimes need a big favour. We often team up with another family of 3 for activities. The dad from the other family and I both travel a lot, and we’ll fill in whenever needed – they got stuck on an island during a storm and we took the daughter without question, I was back late and my husband had a show, they took T for a sleepover. No money exchanged but we make sure to balance out favours without resorting to bean counting.
Anon says
I know you’re right, but a village is so hard to find when you don’t have it.
Anon says
I mean, it’s not the only way to have a good vacation. We took lots of nuclear family trips that were mostly great too. But more adult hands definitely makes things easier and gives parents more of a break.
Anon says
I don’t know that it’s a parenting hack…it’s more acknowledging the truth that for basically all of human history intergenerational living has been the norm. These days we view things as very transactional — what can we get from the grandparents, what do we do for others — but widening our view of “family” and enjoying relationships beyond our nuclear family can make life richer in all regards
Cb says
We’ve just spent the most amazing time with my husband’s 2nd cousins, their tweens, and their 2 foster twins (permanent placement so we think of them as bonus cousins). We celebrated my son’s birthday yesterday and I made a big Sunday lunch for 13 and the kids played all day. They are super distant relations (and in the case of the foster placements, not related at all) but it felt like the best type of family occasion.
Anon says
In our care grandparents are not available for a variety of reasons (not living, poor health, mental health, busy doing other things and I can’t change that). And it’s so dang hard. I’m not criticizing the suggestion at all, I know it’s true and works well for many people. I just feel so isolated and want to scream into the void at the moment.
Anon says
If that’s an option for you – for many of us, it’s not. Of the two living biological grandparents, one lives 6,000 miles away and we can’t even visit for political reasons and the other has mental health issues that don’t prevent a relationship, but that do prevent significant help. It’s not that all of us are turning against grandparents because they don’t meet our needs for a fair transaction.
GCA says
I agree with you that it takes a village, but it’s not always a case of being transactional. In our case, one set of grandparents is halfway around the world and the other set of grandparents is a 13-hour drive or 3h flight away. We get along very well, deeply value all those relationships, and would love to see them more often, but it’s just not possible. Everyone’s situation is different. So, we’ve spent years building different kinds of relationships – we often vacation with a couple whose kids are the same age and who share similar parenting styles/ philosophies. Or, this week I’m taking DD and her cousins to Great Wolf Lodge for her birthday and my SIL will join us for part of that.
Anon says
I’m 10:26 and didn’t mean to imply that if you don’t have involved grandparents you are “doing it wrong”. Siblings, cousins, friends all can be our village, as others have mentioned. I’m more reflecting on the fact that American society is becoming more insular and focused on just our nuclear family (I’m including myself here!) that when it’s mentioned to do things with other families it’s viewed as hack for the well-resourced. I know, easier said than done
Anonymous says
I mean different things work for different people. A beach resort is literally my nightmare. All the sunscreen! All the drowning hazards! Paris is much easier and traveling with my father? So much harder.
Cb says
Yes, definitely on the grandparents, a late teen cousin, etc. My parents are pretty good to travel with and then we get a date night. My MIL annoys me less when we meet in a city midway between us versus when she’s in my home.
Anoon says
Traveling with other adults! We vacation with another family and somewhat organically take turns with the kids. E.g., one adult is making breakfast for everyone and another adult is playing board games, one adult might take them on a little nature walk, or supervise them in the pool while the others lounge with a drink. It’s not completely pre-kid vacation, but it is relaxing to go read a book while a different adult is playing Uno.
I have heard legend of grandparents who travel on vacation with you and take on a lot of child care, but no personal experience with that magic.
Anonymous says
+100 Traveling with other adults/families is a big help. Taking turns having date nights or alone time is really nice. It also reduces us feeling like our kid is dictating our schedule and we’re his servants, since we have to accommodate other families’ interests as well.
NLD in NYC says
Ha! I have also heard of this legend. We have taken one trip with grandparents, but the child care did not materialize. To be fair, DFIL drove the whole time (it wouldn’t have made sense for anyone else to drive, think foreign country with improving roads) and we didn’t stay in the same location.
But we have thought about traveling with other families. Maybe we can finally make it happen next year. Thanks for the reminder.
Anon says
a trip that involves going to different locations is A LOT of work with kids, especially little kids
Anon says
We are doing this but I do feel like maybe the kids need to be a little older for this to really feel like a break. Just spent four days with my college friends, there were three 3 year olds, an 18 month old and two 6 month olds, so even though there were 9 adults it just felt impossible to ever have a single uninterrupted conversation until maybe 9:30pm at which point we were all too tired, and someone was always crying.
Glad we did it but I think we need a few more years before the higher number of children starts to make it feel easier.
Anon says
We’ve had luck traveling to places that for with things our kids are into. For instance we took a 4 and 2 yo on a trip to England with castles and let them wear princess costumes as we visited castles. They loved it and spent the day pretending. On the same page trip we went to the white cliffs and they spent the day at the beach playing in tide pools while we enjoyed the scenery. It didn’t feel like a normal beach day. We stayed at an adorable BnB that was an English farm and they got to feed the animals. We had a couple of days in London and hit up the Princess Di playground and had a fancy tea (again in princess dresses).
Anon says
We’ve had luck on similar trips. Beach trips have been fun, but other successes include a trip to the mountains and to the Caribbean. For the mountains, we went on a few short hikes, etc. Toddler enjoyed waterfalls, throwing rocks in the water, and seeing wildlife. We got to hike and enjoy the landscape. For the Caribbean, we stayed at a resort but were able to take day trips to a rain forest, historical city (toddler likes castles/forts as it turns out), and a boat trip.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree with more adults, especially when the kids are little. It IS mostly parenting in another place when they’re little, but it does get better as they get older, so it’s not forever. An all inclusive with a lot of pools and a kids club would be nice too, though we’ve not yet done this.
Anonymous says
When my kids were little little (both under 5) the only thing that really felt like a vacation was going someplace with a kids club that they liked- a Disney cruise or an all inclusive in Mexico. No chores to worry about, no adults to relieve, just get a drink and sit somewhere.
Mary Moo Cow says
For me, the biggest thing is the kids’ age. Having to haul a diaper bag, plan around naps, not be out enjoying a nice dinner at a new restaurant in a new town, all made trips feel more like life in a different place than being on vacation. Now that my kids are 9 and almost 7, trips feel like more of a vacation, because we’re out doing stuff, they have a longer attention span for museums and restaurants, etc.
But, in the meantime, I think lowering expectations a bit, but not to the floor can make a better vacation: it’s not just the zoo that you could do at home but a new place to have an adventure, or telling yourself that get to try lunch at a new place or give yourself a week off from cooking (instead of lamenting that you can’t have a fancy dinner at the special restaurant.) Other things that can make it feel more like vacation are staying at a resort or hotel instead of a home where you still have to cook and do laundry and totally unplugging from work and social media.
Cb says
We had an amazing Berlin trip when my son was 2 and I think we just appreciated the change of scenery, being in a very kid friendly place (he was offered a babycinno in every cafe, the playparks were gorgeous and had a beer garden attached).
But now my son is 7, travelling is so easy. He carries his own stuff, eats everything under the sun, is quite keen to go and look at things. I hate a self-catering though, I don’t want to cook with dull knives.
Anonymous says
This made me LOL. I always bring at least a paring knife. Self-catering in London in 2 weeks for 5 nights and then all blissfully hotels with “full English” breakfast in Ireland.
Cb – as UK based mom of newly 7 YO boy – any specific tips for London? (restaurants or less obvious hits?)
Anonymous says
I find the whole traveling with kids isn’t a vacation it’s just parenting in a different place messaging really annoying. It’s like a woe is me nonsense statement “how was the south of France? Oh ya know just parenting in a different location” like. Come on. Let’s all get a grip.
I focus on what makes it feel like a vacation to me. We stay in hotels exclusively, I am not interested in cooking or cleaning on my vacation, and that really helps. With young elementary kids, a morning activity, lunch, afternoon pool time, and exploring and a fun dinner works pretty well and there are so many places to do it! We are also very relaxed on vacation eat whatever sleep whenever we will sort this out at home.
Anon says
+1. This isn’t directed at OP specifically but I hate that messaging overall too. It seems like it’s part of the “all slog and no fun” camp of parenting and it’s taken over so much of social media in particular. I have a friend who was basically stanning Big Little Feelings for parenting advice and even she said it got to be way too much to see the constant posts saying things like “did everyone survive Easter with their kids” and “who is ready to endure another Monday with their kids” when she herself had a fantastic Easter with her three-year-old and new baby.
Anonymous says
Same.
Anon says
+1 My kids are a handful at home, but when we are out and about having adventures we have a great time. (They are 9, 6, 3 and baby.) We hold high expectations and lean into the fact that parenting in a different place is still pretty cool! We are also more relaxed about “schedules” and have an outline of a plan but are willing to go with the flow. Supposedly these are the people I love most in the world, and any traveling woes become bonding memories
Anon says
Meh, I also think it’s overblown but I think it does depend on the age. I have an 18 month old and staying in a hotel with him is difficult (I don’t want to do three meals a day at restaurants with a toddler) but even staying in rented houses means there’s so many new ways for him to kill himself that I have to hover for that I wouldn’t have to look out for at home. And at home I’d have a break during the week from daycare!
We have still traveled with him a bunch, we’ve done two international trips since he turned 1, but we did come back from our last trip utterly shattered with exhaustion and dreaming of resorts with daycare for little ones.
Elementary school and above seems like a really different ballgame than toddlers.
Anon says
Yeah. I think context also really matters. I would never dream of saying “Ugh, I was parenting in the south of France, not on vacation” to a group of coworkers who’ve never been to France, let alone taken their kids there. But if you’re talking to a group of affluent moms who regularly travel with their kids, which this board is, I think it’s fair to acknowledge that with kids under the age of 5 it can be pretty exhausting.
NLD in NYC says
Thanks for all the suggestions so far. An all-inclusive with a kids club is my dream at these stage, but having a hard time convincing DH. He does not want to share a room an with DS (can’t blame him, he’s not the best sleeper) and not the biggest beach fan. Also, I can’t seem to find resorts with two bedrooms either at all or within our price range. Maybe I’m not looking in the right place. But if someone knows of some unicorn resorts, please pass them along.
Anonymous says
Look for timeshares at resorts (you don’t have to buy one, you can rent them from other people)! We do the Westin in St. John every year, but I’m sure there are lots of beach resorts with 2 and 3 bedroom villas that you can rent.
Anon says
Do you only have the one kid? If so you don’t really need 2 bedrooms villas (which will be $$$$) to have separate sleeping areas. 1 bedrooms or even junior suites will have a separate sofa bed where your kid can sleep.
Cb says
Or a travel tent. We had one for trips when my son was under 3 and it really helped.
Anon says
Yes I don’t think they had a Slumperpod when my kid was tiny, but that seems like it would be a real game changer for kids who are sensitive to light and noise. We would put the pack n play in the bathroom but then we had to leave our room to use the bathroom, lol.
Anonymous says
Club Med has family suites with a kids bedroom and parents bedroom.
Anonymous says
Oh I HATE sharing rooms. We book suites and have been known to put a baby in a Pack n Play in a bathroom or large closet. In terms of places that had a good setup – we have had luck with smaller boutique Inns in the Northeast.
Also, don’t sleep on summer vacations at ski areas. Many have really good family setups (with full kitchen etc) and are significantly cheaper in the summer. To make it feel like a vacation, we often split up – DH will golf in the morning and I hit the spa in the afternoon. When the other parent is “on”, you do need to be more engaged (ie actually get in the pool w/ them if they’re little), but what makes it a vacation is that I can walk from our room to the pool, go back to the room for lunch/naptime, instead of schlepping everyone around in a car.
I love the seamlessness of charging things to your room – the elite move here is grownup cocktails in the pool around 4, order some pizza and chicken nuggets for the kids around 5, let them eat poolside dripping wet and happy rather than torturing yourself w/ a formal dinner, get them bathed & bed by like 6:30 (note: you must skip nap and run them HARD to accomplish this), and then adult room service dinner on the patio/terrace post bedtime.
I am also not above paying for childcare. When we’re at an AirBnB, I’ve used Care dot com to find a local sitter so we could go out. Of course there’s kid’s clubs at big resorts, but at smaller boutique resorts you can often enroll in a camp nearby (either officially affiliated w the inn or not) for part of the day. For example a place we went recently we had our son in an outdoor sports camp and the little one in a toddler nature preschool camp (both onsite at the resort, run by sister company).
Anon says
Summertime at ski areas is a GREAT idea. More and more ski areas are adding great summer attractions because they have to adjust to our climate change-affected world and it’s a great option for families.
NLD in NYC says
This may be the way. Thanks!
Anonymous says
A bit of a drive from NYC, but we’ve done this at both Jay Peak and Stratton. Jay has a really nice waterpark, spa, and golf. I feel like Stratton had more dining and shopping variety (they have that little village). Both have gondola/tram you can take to the top and “hike” down (on a fire road) which my kids surprisingly loved (I carried the toddler on my back in an Ergo).
Anon says
There are all-inclusive resorts with included childcare that aren’t the beach. Look at ranches out west.
Anon says
I’ll be honest, this sounds like a DH issue at least as much as a child issue. Two adults and one kid should allow for enough downtime for everyone, even if you each have to solo parent some of the time. Where does he want to go?
Anon says
I had the same thought that this is likely a husband problem and I relate. TBH, beginning around age 4 I found it just about as easy to travel with my kid solo as with my husband and kid. Taking a four year somewhere alone was less relaxing than taking a trip without a kid, but (for me) more relaxing than a trip where I had to manage both a young kid and a grumpy husband. This is something to explore if you feel like your husband is putting a damper on the trip. And it will only get easier as your kid gets older. Now with a 7 year old, travel with just the kid is really easy and fun. We travel internationally and can do things like spas and horseback riding that are just as much fun for me as for her. The phase where your trips revolve around playgrounds is pretty short, particularly if you only have one kid.
anon says
Finest resorts have suites that are affordable (relatively). like $700 a night.
Anon says
extra adults. i have two 6 year olds. on the outside it might seem like we travel a lot, as my kids are going on 8 plane trips this year, but most of these trips were to visit family and the two that weren’t (disney and skiing), grandparents came with us. also, with young kids trips that involve getting in the car a million times to go to different places are a lot of work. i like places that are walkable so don’t have to put kid in/out of car seat. no cooking. we like places where we can potentially do breakfast in the room/at home bc otherwise it does get expensive, but either go out for dinner or get takeout. if i do any ‘cooking’ i will use paper plates bc DH and I don’t want to do dishes. i also prefer to pack a lot of clothes than do laundry. i dont want to do chores on vacation. and honestly some of it is a mindset change of trying to appreciate little things.
Clementine says
I absolutely love traveling with kids. Like, I’m almost embarrassed to admit how much I like it. My kids are great travelers and we are slowly improving our restaurant ratio. It used to be 1 out of every four meals was a nightmare (you’d never know which one though) and now we’re down to 1 out of every 5.
My kids love a place with a pool. Like, if there’s a hotel pool, they’re happy. I’ve learned that the golden duo is if I can get a hotel with a good pool AND an included breakfast. If we have that, we’re like 80% of the way to a good vacation day.
Cb says
Oh we love a great breakfast! We stayed offsite at Legoland Denmark at Easter and still dream about that breakfast.
GCA says
We have been Hampton Inn fans since the kids were little for this exact reason – never underestimate the joy of a child with access to a tiny pool and a make-your-own-waffle station!
Anonymous says
The key is really seeing the world through your kids’ eyes. To my husband and me hotel waffle bars and most hotel pools are gross and boring, but it is so much fun watching our kids go wild for them. It’s a family vacation, not a parents’ vacation.
Anon says
Our only vacations when my son was small were to all inclusive resorts with child care/kids clubs. It was expensive but it was also our only vacation for the year so it was worth it to us. For other times we had days off (school holidays, winter breaks) we just stayed local to visit family or do ‘staycation’ stuff because you’re right – it was a ‘trip’ not a vacation.
Once my kiddo hit 7 we started doing longer/more vacations as he had the stamina to sight see, was tall enough for more rides at amusement parks, had more tolerance for different food, etc. There are still meltdowns and things go wrong but it feels like we’re all able to enjoy ourselves in a way that wasn’t really possible with naps/food issues/little kid bedtimes/etc.
AwayEmily says
I feel like I’m an odd duck in this group because I agree that vacations with small kids are not that enjoyable and we have solved for it by not really doing them. We go on one vacation a year: a week on a lake. Always with extra adults (either family or friends). Other than that, the only travel we do is to see family for a long weekend.
One exception: last summer we did ten days in France, because we were invited by a friend who paid for housing and we couldn’t turn it down. It was fun in many ways but confirmed my belief that I do not have the constitution to vacation with small children.
Once the kids are bigger (maybe 5/9/12) we will start going on “real” vacations — I want to go to Banff, my husband wants to hike in Switzerland. But I’m totally fine with taking a decade-ish off of travel, saving some money, and relaxing in other ways. Travel’s not a particularly important part of my identiy.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This has mostly been us too – we’ve taken trips when the kids were little either a. with my parents, to a driveable city, b. with friends who also have similar-aged kids or c. cross country to visit family (this is the hardest). Covid also prevented us from doing much for a few years. Now that they’re almost 6 and 8, it’s becoming a different ballgame. My husband is talking about going to NZ/Australia with them in the future, which would not have been a feasible option when they were little. Kids change and new things open up.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I should note that husband and I have tried to do at least one couples’ trip a year when possible, which helps with the desire for a real vacation! But with kids, travelling has been the above.
Anon says
+1 recognizing the privilege in this, but this has been the right balance for our family too. I like to travel more than my husband and I shoot for one adults only trip per year, which is sometimes with DH, sometimes with my mom or a girlfriend and sometimes solo.
anon says
I didn’t find traveling with tiny kids enjoyable, either. So we basically stopped for awhile, and it was FINE. Now that my kids are older, it’s so much more fun for everyone. I also agree that travel is nice but I also don’t find it essential to my being.
Anon says
I think this is pretty common. I’m obsessed with travel and we do a lot of family travel, but I only have one kid, which makes it easier, and even so we took a long break from age 1.5 to almost 4 (mostly due to Covid, but it also coincided with peak “hard travel years”).
Vicky Austin says
Travel’s not a particularly important part of my identity either, and I always feel like such a grinch admitting to it!
Anon says
I feel like many of the people saying they enjoy it only seem to have one kid. I took a trip when my oldest was just over a year and really enjoyed it. It was different, but still fun. No way was I willing to try a trip with a one year old and a three year old. I’m
NLD in NYC says
Appreciate the honesty, AwayEmily!
Anon says
minimal chores. staying in one place. good balance between time traveling to destination and time spent at destination. like to me flying with little kids was not worth it for a long weekend.
Anonymous says
I have one 4-year old and love traveling with him. We joke that our biggest hack is just having one kid, so I don’t think I could presume to give useful advice to someone with a larger family, but there are a few things that I think have helped us have a great time on family vacations.
1. Our goal is fun, not relaxation. I think if we were aiming to relax we’d just be disappointed. We can have a lot of fun, though.
2. We play to our strengths. My kid is the type who is on his best behavior when he is busy, so we look for destinations that have a lot of stuff that he specifically can actively do. Super chill trips will wait until he’s older.
3. We’ve learned that if we do a more kid-focused activity in the morning, that builds enough excitement for the bandwidth for a more adult-focused activity in the afternoon.
4. We do not do this at home, but when we’re traveling, we get whatever will keep him happy and chilled out at restaurants so we can enjoy a good meal. I don’t care if that means he gets two desserts. (In fact, I support it because it makes trips very special and makes him more cooperative when we travel.)
5. We’ve also learned that lots of destinations isn’t the move. We’ve done a trip like that, and I think my son got pretty overwhelmed by the end and just was ready to go home earlier than we actually were going home. I figure that will change over the next few years, but for now we’re sticking to single destinations.
6. We get a suite or at least a room with a balcony so we can have a nice room service drink and time for conversation after little kid bedtime.
I really don’t like group trips so for me extra adults isn’t something that’s appealing. I think it’s just a personality thing – I never wanted to travel with a group of friends pre-kids either.
Anon says
I love all this advice!
Anonymous says
“Fun not relaxation”. This!! We have two kids close in age and we always have fun on vacation but it’s not “relaxing.” DH and I take a weekend trip on our anniversary every year to relax. I think we also try to incorporate rest into our family’s daily and weekly life so it’s not like everything’s riding on vacations, we do Rest day on Sundays and after church we don’t go anywhere or do much housework. Just enjoying each other and maybe walking to the neighborhood playground (but our backyard is already set up for fun).
DLC says
Our kids are 4, 7, and 12. I admit the toddler years were hard. There was one vacation where the youngest wouldn’t sleep, and kept saying in a sing song voice, “I’m never going to be sleepy!”
When we travel, my Husband and I take turns having time off when possible when on vacation. So for example, one morning I’ll have the kids, while he goes and explore and finds a coffee shop or something. Or if we are at a museum that I like, we’ll quickly go through with the kids and then he’ll take them to a park while I go through more slowly.
I also think- my kids are probably going to be shits no matter where we are, so at least we can be shits somewhere where I can eat interesting food and soak in a different environment. I try not to let them ruin the entire vacation…
Anon says
Traveling is a big part of DH’s identity, and mine to some extent. It’s changed a lot after kids, and we also have a lot of privileges, means, and support. Here’s how we approach – this has all been just how it worked out, not a master plan per se.
Neither of sees high value on “harder” international trips with kids pre-5/6. Our kids are currently 3.5 and 6.5. We took a trip to my family’s country of origin in Asia when our kids were newly 5 and almost 2, which was excellent, but that was for a family wedding and we had tons of hands during travel and once we arrived.
Right now, I usually take 1-2 long weekend girls’ trips/year (like 3-4 days), and DH does 7-10 days of trekking where he chooses (last year he went to a South American country). DH also travels often for work, and when he’s at an international location over a weekend, he tries to use that time to explore.
Our family vacations right now center on…family and ease. Last year was an all-inclusive resort in Cabo (my MIL joined). This year we flew a few states over to spend time with DH’s family, which was great and enriching, and our home base was Grandma’s house.
I think next year when our youngest is 4.5 we may think about something different, and definitely/hopefully will lean into our preferred kind of travel (with the obvious adjustments, it won’t be like our backpacking/hostel days!) once both kids are 5+.
Momofthree says
You’ve already gotten a lot of great thoughts on here. I think part of the thing with traveling is- what do you define as relaxing?
-Other people are definitely a help (grandparents may or may not be helpful, other friends may or may not be helpful, maybe try to experiment with different set-ups).
-Going to places that are kid-centric means that you don’t have to plan activities AND go at times that aren’t super busy (go to Great Wolf Lodge mid-week, try staying at a hotel near an amusement park, Disneyland/Disney World supposedly has slower times)
– Let your kids have down time/ screen time for certain hours on vacation- you can relax rules so that you get some down time as well
– Do a resort/ beach/lake vacation where all you have to do is walk 10 feet to the beach each day.
– Some people above have said that hotels are more relaxing- I actually prefer Airbnbs b/c I can have a washer/dryer, a kitchen to serve food if my kids aren’t interested and multiple bedrooms so we don’t have to sleep in the same room.
– Camping can be a surprisingly fun activity & a lot of camp sites now even have cabins so you don’t have to actually live in a tent.
We have 3 kids (4, 7,8) and we’ve gone to France, Mexico, South America & multiple day road trips over the past few years. We also didn’t have unlimited budgets. The main thing that makes vacations enjoyable right now is not overplanning and not expecting too much. Did we go to any museums when we went to Paris? That would be a no. Did we play in a lot of playgrounds & eat tons of baguettes & French ice cream? You bet we did! My kids were also obsessed with finding Pokemon cards that were written in French & now my 7 year old claims he knows how to speak French b/c he can “read” the cards. I actually love going to zoos or aquariums in different areas- they are not the same ones that you can experience at home and it’s always fun to see how different people/places do things. I even like going to grocery stores in different places. I try to not overplan and to do things that the kids are interested in (with some of my preferences thrown in for good measure).
NLD in NYC says
Lots of great thoughts. My overplanning heart needed to read this. Thank you.
Anonymous says
We traveled a lot pre-kids (and both grew up traveling with our families while we were young) so never really considered stopping traveling when our kids were little. A lot of our travel is international, so I think it helps hit the vacation vibe more because it’s to places that feel more different than just driving a few states over.
What works for us is having apartment rentals rather than hotels, when feasible, so that we have our own space to hang out after kids go to bed. We also try not to hit more than 2 destinations in a week-long trip so that we’re not constantly packing and moving around (so choose locations with good activities or daytrips). Doing some prep to have ideas in advance of what we want to do helps make it feel more vacation-like because there’s a little less day-to-day life admin stuff. We like to meet friends or siblings or grandparents at our destination much of the time, since then we get to hang out with adults we enjoy.
We also almost never go to zoos or aquariums or water parks while traveling, unless it’s the only thing open on Christmas that would appeal to kids. Instead we try to find unique things to the location that they’re into or at least tolerant of (castles, climbing church towers, etc) or go to places where we can do lots of outdoor/hiking things and enjoy being in a different location in that way. Plus lots of local snacks. We do try to hit up playgrounds when we see them–they’re often designed differently from home and can be good to get out some energy.
I will also add that I do not at all have easy kids (some flavor of AuDHD and/or anxious) but since parenting at home is challenging anyway, I don’t find parenting in other countries to be substantially harder.
CCLA says
At almost age 6 I think things will rapidly get better for you. We lean into the kind of vacations that feel right for the age (and which we like too!). The last couple of years we’ve done a lot of Hawaii/Mexico/similar vacations…I’m not convinced Europe from the west coast is worth it for them at this age, where all they want is a pool, but probably in the next year or two.
For now, DH and I just take turns being the one on duty to watch them in the pool so I get plenty of nap/reading/spa time. But also often we’re all together. While the kids would stay at the pool all day if we permitted, we intersperse with things like hikes, boat trips, etc. that they can now handle (they are 5 and 7). We pick nice restaurants for ourselves and they can behave and find something to eat. We relax the rules on bedtime, eat lots of ice cream. Also like others here I love a hotel for the service. We used to just eat the cost of a suite often, but now that they’re a little older we’ve found that they just stay up a little later, we go to bed a little earlier, and we all are fine in a regular room.
We have traveled with our nanny once and with extended family a couple of times, which is of course a privilege, but most of the time it’s just us. I relied on help a lot more when they were tiny, and we asked grandparents to watch them while we went away for a week! We still try to do smaller trips without the kids too.
Anonymous says
We are careful about where we travel, so far only family friendly types of vacations. We just went to Maui with 2 kids, one of whom is a baby. I paid more for a condo on the beach with a resort-like pool, and we committed to spending most of our time there. I also paid to rent baby gear and make sure the condo had all the beach stuff we have at home.
I picked a few restaurants, checked they had kid friendly vibes and reserved patio tables.
For parent fun, we bought local snacks and drinks, watched the stars and sunset from our patio, and traded off alone time at the beach. It wasn’t our Maui honeymoon where we had adventures, but was really fun with appropriate expectations. We even got to snorkel solo, although it wasn’t a boat trip or a hike with hard entry to a great spot. Still, I was thrilled to see a few turtles and have the baby nap in the beach cart under the umbrella.
I know some people still travel internationally with young kids, but they seem to have only one kid.
former junior associate says
Sorry to derail, but curious where you stayed in Maui (i.e. specific property) and whether you liked it? We’ve been to Maui a couple of times without kids and to Oahu once with kids; we preferred Maui and would like to go back with kids. I’d love a locale recommendation if you have one!
CCLA says
Not that poster, but we have stayed at Ka’anapali Alii a few times and it’s beautiful, spacious (huge rooms) and beach front, close to restaurants. However (1) that was pre-fires, not sure how it is there now, and (2) the pool doesn’t have food and drink service so next time I’m going to a resort – that mattered less before kids but now we’re at the pool a lot more. The Hyatt down the way at Ka’anapali had condos where you could also use the hotel amenities, which looked like a good option.
Anon says
OP you can go on the relaxing vacation that you want, either solo or with girlfriends (I.e. leave your kid at home with DH for a few days). 70+ responses and no one has suggested this yet?
Yes traveling with a baby/young child will not be as relaxing as traveling before you had kids. I too need a relaxing vacation to feed my soul. That’s why I go on a girls’ trip once a year, and DH goes on a hiking trip with his friends on another week.
Anon says
Several people suggested adults only trips.
Dreaming says
Has anyone here had a baby after 40? I secretly want another kid, and we have frozen embryos so it’s an option- but I feel so dang old already compared to other moms (in the midwest). Everyone around me would think I’m crazy, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Anon says
I live in the Bay Area and my OB said almost all her patients are well over 35 and it’s not infrequent to be into 40. My friend in Colorado just attended a baby shower for a mom to be who is 45. My advice is to focus on yourself and not what society looks at or says; even in conservative, traditional areas, there have always been surprise babies to older moms and people get over any initial surprise about it.
Anon says
+1 I’m in the non-Chicago Midwest and it seems most babies here over 40 are surprises but there are plenty of them! Don’t worry about what other people will think; do what’s right for you.
Clementine says
In my area, you’d probably be only slightly on the older side of people having a 3rd kid.
However, please know that my delightful, lovely 3rd was def awake at 11PM last night suggesting we watch some of his favorite show (I declined).
Anon says
+1 Those third children are real wild cards, lol (and so totally beloved they get away with a lot). I just had my fourth at 37; it physically was an easier pregnancy and labor than my others, which was surprising to me given my age, but I am SO much more tired than I remember with my other newborns… I’m still pretty spry, but my energy has definitely declined from those early babies.
I am team “have all the babies because kids are wonderful” (clearly, I have four!) But each one is exponentially taxing on my energy/nervous system
Love this says
As someone who had her now 2.5 year old a couple years ago at 37, get ready for a wild ride! I thought third kids were real wild cards but my very adored fourth was like, hold my beer. Fourths are suuuper fun! And also run the show. It turns out. I thought she’d be chill haha.
Anon @ 10:49 says
Ha good to know! She is my first girl after three boys, and I do harbor dreams of her sitting still and coloring, which her brothers never did for more than 2 min…but maybe I better brace myself!
Anon says
not me personally, but i know people who have. i think it also depends on how after 40 and thinking not just about the immediate term, but also longer term parenting, retirement, etc.
OP says
Currently 40, but would be at least 41 by birth.
I think about the long-term a lot. Less financially, but more about health, etc.
In the short term, the biggest concern is just the isolation and judgment that I already feel as an older parent. I think there’s general idea that older parents are somehow not considering the fact that they’ll be old when their kids are not that old. I think about it constantly but having them younger was impossible.
Anon says
41 is different than say 48, at least to me.
Anon says
Huh. Truly curious without being dismissive- who’s judging you and how do you know they are?
I’m asking because I had my kids in my late 30s in the Midwest and have zero clue how old my Mom friends are. I’m assuming most of them are 5-10 years younger? But I think one might be older? My college friends all have older kids than I do and that’s a little hard because we’re in very different stages and they’re more prone to the “ugh, I could never go back to the newborn phase” expressions but I don’t think they’re actually judging me for it.
OP says
Thanks for this—truly. I had to reflect on this question and, if, I’m being honest, I think it’s mainly comments on the internet (I’m so embarrassed to admit this!) that I’m imposing on people in real life who have made comments that I’m probably reading too much into.
And yes, I realize now (or am in real time realizing) how ridiculous that probably is!
Anon says
Not OP but my doctor was kind of judgy about me being older (not even that old, 35 for my first). I ignored it, but it irritated me. I haven’t found other parents judgy for the most part, but there is a disconnect sometimes when people are 10 years or more younger. Our most awkward play date of kindergarten this past year was with a 25 year old mom. DH & I are 40. Part of this was different life backgrounds and socioeconomic status, but I think the age gap was a big factor too. All of her cultural frames of reference were so out of sync from ours. She’s literally Gen Z!
Anon says
But the 25 year old also probably feels really awkward about her age too. I don’t know anywhere where it’s still common to have a kid at 20
Anon says
Yes, for sure. Most people have their first kid under 30 where I live, but even so, we’re probably closer to the median age of first time parents than she is. And a lot of people here have big families and have their first in their mid-20s and their last in mid-30s, so even in one particular family parents may seem either “old” or “young” depending on whether you happen to know their first kid or their fourth. But I think the point stands that it can be hard to relate to people who are a decade or more older or younger.
Anonymous says
We have several friends with 7yos who turned 50 in the last year or two. DC area, so there’s a decent number of older parents around here.
Anonymous says
+1 we have a couple of friends with kindergarteners who are turning 50 this year too (MD suburbs).
AwayEmily says
I was 41 when my third was born (four-year gap after the second), 44 now. I’m in a college town so lots of older moms but I’m definitely on the older side of that. I can’t say it’s really been an issue — we’ve actually become really good friends over the past year with a couple who are over a decade younger than us (their toddler is in my toddler’s class) and it’s been a total non-issue.
Anon says
Yes I had my second right before I turned 43. 6.5 year age gap between first and second. I’m healthy, the pregnancy was fine, and I feel old (but not overly so) compared to other moms. Right now the older one is prepping for middle school while the younger one isn’t even in kindergarten yet. I’ll be 60 when the youngest graduates high school.
Biggest impact is the age difference with the kids. In some ways its nice – they’re not in competition for much, since they’re in such difference life stages – but it’s hard to find activities both will like. We end up doing a lot of divide and conquer on the weekends.
Anon says
I’m currently 40 and pregnant with my first. We may try for another at 42. It’s not that I feel old, but rather that younger moms are, well, really young. I’m in several expectant mom groups with 25 year olds who seem clueless and dramatic about life. They constantly message the group for permission to call or message their doctor instead of being proactive. The “is anyone else experiencing…” messages are wild. I appreciate the perspective and confidence that 40 gives me. I feel fine reaching out independently without asking the group chat.
Anonymous says
I work with someone in her late 40s who has a kid in college, one in high school, and a surprise preschooler. It’s really interesting to see her shift gears between parenting the older two and the younger one. It’s like she’s living two stages of life at once. It’s also sobering to realize that she’ll be parenting kids at home for twice as long as I will, and that she will still have a kid in college after the typical retirement age (although in her career many people work well into their 70s). She handles it with grace and appears to be loving it, but I think it takes a very laid-back personality to enjoy having a young child so late and especially with that age spread. She will have much less time to enjoy being an empty nester with good health and the extra available cash that comes from having student loans paid off and kids out of college (I will be 51 when my only child graduates; she will be in her late 60s). The financial piece may not apply to most people here because most seem to be very high earners who can afford luxuries like house cleaners, fancy vacations, and regular babysitters, but for nonprofit workers like this mom and me it’s a real consideration.
One other thing to think about is the risk of having a difficult child. We stopped at one partly because boys with really significant behavior problems run in our family and we didn’t want our lives and our existing child’s life to be dominated by the needs and whims of such a child. If things are going well, why risk upsetting the balance?
Anon says
All valid points but there’s something appealing about extending the “kid at home” stage too. 18 years feels too dang short to me. DH & I are very happy one and done but joke that we’re going to have a second when our first is in middle school and starts not wanting to spend as much time with us. I’ll be late 40s then (which I agree with above posters is VERY different than early 40s) so this is 99.9% a joke but if biology weren’t a factor there is something kind of compelling about it to me.
Anon says
Yes, I feel this. I waited so long wanting to be a mother, that it’s hard to think of the stage being over! I recently had a fourth because I’m enjoying all these little kids, as well as the bigger kids my older ones are turning into. (After this I’m ready to move forward though, lol). My oldest is already 9 and I know the next 9 years will pass in a blink
OP says
This is exactly how I feel! I tried and waited so long that now it’s hard to accept how fast it goes.
Anonymous says
I had my 3rd at 36 and my OB said I was the age of most people when they have their first
In her practice. My kids have friends whose parents are 10+ years older than me.
FWIW my 3rd has been my easiest.
Anon says
When did reading “click” for your kids?
We did the 100 Easy Lessons book with my incoming first grader over the summer and she made progress and has become pretty good at sounding out words but still can’t read fluently and labors over every individual word. I feel like she’s lacking visual memory. She doesn’t recognize words (except a few very short sight words) even if she just sounded out the same word in the prior sentence. Her first grade teacher is not worried and says about half the class is still not reading, but I’m becoming slightly concerned due to the fact that we know she’s very bright (excellent CogAT scores) and that she’s been working hard for months with a phonics-based program. I’m wondering if there may be some kind of learning disability in play here, because it seems like a smart kid who is working this hard should be able to read by now. But maybe I just need to wait for it to click. Would appreciate any anecdata.
Fwiw, she will turn 7 in late January so is right in the middle age-wise (district has an August 1 cutoff)
Anon says
The second half of first grade, for both my older kids (the youngers are not in school yet). I purposely didn’t push because I didn’t want any negative associations with reading.
Now my oldest (rising 4th grader) is a voracious reader who tests in the 99% on standardized reading assessments, and my rising second grader reads to himself every night in bed and his fluency took off in the last few months. (Both are super bright; my middle was assessed as about 5 points shy of officially gifted)
Clementine says
She’s going into first, this is pretty normal. Going into first, my kid still wasn’t reading independently. During first, he discovered graphic novels and by the end of first was fluently and independently reading Narwhal and Jelly, Catkin, Dog Man, etc. By second, we was independently reading with fluency stuff like Max and the Midnights and going into third he’s reading Harry Potter with full comprehension of what he’s reading.
Patience.
Anonymous says
She seems fine
Cb says
I think mid-way through first grade for us. I did a big push on sightwords over the summer before first grade, but T turned 7 this week and it’s really only in the last few months that he is a very happy independent reader. I stopped making him read aloud every time which massively helped his interest and engagement.
Anon says
i think reading is kind of like walking in that there is a wide range of “normal.” it is considered normal for a kid to learn to walk between 9-18 months. by age 5 it’s not like the kids who learned to walk first can necessarily run the fastest. it’s the same thing with reading. while schools might like us to think otherwise, academic skills don’t click for every kid at the same time. also, back in the day reading wasn’t even taught until 1st grade. i could not read in kindergarten. i think i was a middle of the road reader and once it clicked, it really clicked. i remember being upset in 1st grade having to switch reading groups from the one with the purple textbook to one that read different ‘chapter’ books and i was so mad bc purple was my favorite color and i didn’t like the cover of the chapter book the group was reading at the time. i have two ivy league degrees, so i think at least academically not being the first to learn to read had no long term consequences.
Anon says
Thanks all. OP here and had the same experience myself (learned to read in first grade and was reading way above grade level quickly), but no one tried to teach me earlier, so I wasn’t sure if it was normal to not get it earlier if you were taught. My husband probably has dyslexia (no formal diagnosis but read very late and has never read and spelled easily the way I do) so that’s on my radar too.
If anyone has any advice about the social aspect of this, I’d appreciate it. Her closest friends can all read books like Magic Treehouse independently. They’re all smart kids from families that prioritize education, and I know they’re not representative of our excellent school district let alone the broader population, but she’s really struggling with being the only one in her friend group who can’t read books like this and is feeling stupid, which is the main reason we tried to teach her this summer.
Anon says
i am the Anon at 10:42 and I have fraternal twins with very different strengths/weaknesses. so in our family we talk A LOT about how different people learn different things at different times. trying to introduce the concept of ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ in an age appropriate way. i’ve even used the walking example with my kids, like in our family the one who crawled first, walked second…but now it doesn’t matter because they can both walk. there is a great Bluey episode, the baby race, i think it is called. The Olympics have also been useful in providing some talking points for this
Anon says
Agree with the comments above that there is a wide range of normal and that if her teacher isn’t concerned then she’s probably fine. Anecdotally, we have many friends who are all TAG-identified based on the school testing done last year. Going into 2nd grade, they’re all reading fluently, but when it “clicked” ranged from the beginning of preK4 (age 4.5) to the second half of 1st grade (age 7).
Anonymous says
Does she stick with it when you’re doing lessons, or does she throw in the towel? I think that can make a huge difference. DS is about to start kindergarten and we have him in OT because he is a bit behind on reading/ writing, likely due to dyslexia, which runs in the family. But the OT is very focused at this point on his tendency to get frustrated and freak out/ give up. He needs to learn to stick with it before he learns actual reading.
Anon says
It really varies. Most kids click by age 7 or so. Then you have kids that were reading at 4. This has caused me a fair amount of stress for some reason and I have had to make myself back off. My kid incoming first, turns 7 in March, can read well – was reading short books with words like “friends” and “remember” at end of K. Teacher said she was above grade level. However she doesn’t seem to like to read at all despite trying all kinds of books. We do family reading time and go to the library and have read her stories at night since she was a baby, and are both big readers.
Anonymous says
I hear you on the stress- even though I know there is a wide range of normal and I learned to read in 1st myself. My incoming first grader (still 5 till later this month so on the younger side) is in a very different place reading wise than his older brother, for whom learning to read was effortless. I know from his teacher that his level, similar to what OP described, is at or above the expected level for the end of kindergarten and I am reassured that very few kids in the class are reading independently- and this is a private school where the parents are typically highly educated and highly education focused for the kids.
AwayEmily says
Second half of first grade is when it clicked for my first. At the end of K she was reading BOB books but that’s about it. We did not push her at all or do any additional work at home, since the teacher said she was on track/normal. And only at the end of second grade did reading become effortless for her — til then she was still really having to work at it.
My second kid was totally different — reading chapter books by the middle of kindergarten, despite not even knowing letter sounds at the beginning of the year.
The huge difference between the two of them (and they had the same kindergarten teacher!) really makes me think it is just something that just clicks when it clicks, and there’s not a ton you can do to make it happen sooner. So as long as the teachers say she’s making progress and there aren’t red flags, I’d try to let it go.
Anonymous says
I would try Hooked on Phonics. The visual + audio of the videos is very helpful.
GCA says
Seconding everyone saying second half of first grade. That’s when it clicked for DS, who is now 9 and a voracious reader. (For a recent canoe camping trip, he finished one book before the trip, had to sub in another one, and then was permitted to take along a book just for the car…) In the first half of first grade he was still sounding out words.
HSAL says
So my now-third was also the second half of first grade, and I remember her painfully reading aloud from early reader books. She’s halfway through the BabySitters Club now. My now-firsts seem to have skipped the early readers entirely and I was pretty stunned that they were legit reading this summer, especially considering she’s old for her grade and they’re young. A friend had a similar experience with her kids the same ages as mine, and she pointed out that the district also changed its reading curriculum. So I think it’s a combination of the individual clicking and also a program clicking with the child.
Anonymous says
Kid 1: March of K
Kid 2: summer after 1st
Kid 3: summer after K
“Click” can mean different things. All my kids are strong readers but my middle didn’t like to fail/be frustrated/not know words. So she didn’t like reading until she was much more confident.
Anonymous says
Jumping off the vacations thread, I wanted to get y’alls thoughts on traveling to a beach resort with a 6 month old. We have a family timeshare we go to every year in July, and I’m due with kid #2 in December. Will it be more hassle than it’s worth to take the baby next summer? We will also have a 5 year old who loves going to this place. The grandparents will be there but they are not much help with childcare.
Anon says
No, it will be worth it. Approaching vacation with the mindset “it’s always worth it” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy IMO. I’m due in November and we’re planning a July vacation to a lake too.
Anon says
I would 100% do it. We just did it with a 6 year old and 7 month old and it was honestly really great. We didn’t have any childcare help – just me, DH and the kiddos.
anon says
We’re bringing a 3-month-old on a beach vacation next week, partly because it was planned before we knew he’d be living with us this summer (we’re his foster parents) but also because we have older kids who look forward to this trip every year and it’s not fair to them to not do things just because we have a baby in tow. So I’m on team don’t cancel!
Anon says
I also say go. I am currently on our annual extended family beach vacation with my 9, 6, 3 and 5-week old. Yes I’m in the house more with my newborn and at the beach less than in previous years, but my older kids are loving it and I am still enjoying the vacation vibes. A 6-month old can wear sunscreen so I’d have no qualms taking them out to the beach and continuing on as “normal” as possible.
Anon says
Definitely go! One of my favorite family trips was a beach trip with our then 9 month old. We took turns snorkeling solo when she was napping and did fun family stuff when she was awake. It would of course be different with an older child, but I would still say it’s very worthwhile.
Anonymous says
I did beach w/ similarly aged kids during the pandemic. It was wonderful. My 6mo was on a 5am wakeup kick but I remember drinking coffee snuggling him and watching the sunrise over the water. I let him nap on me in the baby carrier every day as I walked up and down the beach with my airpods in listening to podcasts. He also didn’t crawl yet so we could plunk him in the beach tent as long as we could see him.
Anonymous says
+1
I did all the baby naps to avoid socializing and small talk with my in laws. It was great. Snooze or read while baby slept on or near me.
TheElms says
I would go. I’m swayed by the fact that the 5 year old loves the place and will likely be happy to be there. Would a grandparent be happy to sit in the room while the 6month old naps? That would be especially great because it would allow your 5 year old to get some special attention from mom/dad/another grandparent.
Anon says
Would you be flying with baby? Have you flown before?
Anon says
This is probably kid dependent, but I found flying with babies that age really easy.
Montessori says
Has anyone here sent their child to Montessori past age 6 and willing to share thoughts? We are definitely keeping LO in for the age 6 “culmination year”, but trying to decide whether to consider other school options or keep her there for Elementary (ages 6-12). So far Montessori has been a great fit for her, and she is learning a lot. They are very rigid about following the Montessori approach and the educators seem good. The approach can be wonderful for teaching how to think independently, but it feels a little tricky as a parent in terms of knowing whether traditional milestones are being met (like, do they have age appropriate math skills that would meet testing requirements?). We live in a place with failing public schools so our main alternatives would be trying for a charter lottery or a different private school.
Anon says
I have not, but there are a lot of people in Minnesota with public Montessori schools who do! Everything I’ve heard has been very positive, and since it seems like a good fit for your kid I’d be inclined to keep going. (I would love to send my kids, but we are the NYC suburbs where it’s all way too expensive, and I’m somewhat of a public school stan, lol).
I would not worry at all about testing metrics. What do they even mean on an individual or long-term level, anyway? Teaching to the test often results in memorization rather than true learning; I’d be much more confident in the learning achieved in Montessori school, where children really engage with material
Anonymous says
My nephew attended a public Montessori school and I don’t think he came out well prepared for high school. He was allowed to focus only on the subjects he enjoyed and came out with very poor critical reading and writing skills that continued to hold him back in college.
Anon says
Interesting…though judging by the myriad comments on the main board about recent young hires and interns, it seems critical reading and writing skills are on the decline everywhere.
Anon says
How well do they teach reading and math? Other subjects your kids will catch up but you really need a solid foundation in math and reading from a young age.
OP says
I don’t know for sure – that’s part of my issue. For example, I think she’s made progress with learning phonics and is on the way to reading, but they don’t use the same strategies or materials you would see in a traditional public school classroom – like, they trace sandpaper letters instead of doing worksheets.
Anoon says
Does your school do assessments (i.e. standardized tests) of any kind? My kids were in a private montessori school until my oldest completed “lower el” (through 3rd grade) and they did assessments every year– I think a lot of parents opted out of it, but we had our kid do them because I was also concerned about milestones. You might ask whether the school conducts assessments (and using what tool) and how the results compare to other schools you are considering. Ours used a tool that was not exactly comparable to the public schools, but at least provided a measure. I would be concerned if they dont do them at all.
FWIW, we switched to our local public school because of problems with the montessori school’s administration, not the academics. Both kids did fine this year but my oldest was very frustrated to have to learn the public school’s math method– she was very used to math manupulatives (meaning physical embodiments of numbers: number beads, bars, etc.) and could do multi-digit multiplication and division in 2nd grade.
But when we swtiched into the public school, she struggled with methods the other kids started learning in first grade that were unfamiliar to her, including written representations of math concepts. She did not like being “behind” and the school was not great with supporting her because she is otherwise very advanced. She tested into the gifted program for next year but math remains her “weak” spot despite arriving at the correct answers. For my own part, I think the montessori math method is better for actually understanding math concepts!
Anonymous says
I spent several years tutoring math and taught my own child a lot of math at home. In my experience connecting the manipulatives to the written representations leads to the most complete and flexible understanding of math concepts and algorithms. Traditional manipulatives such as counters, base-10 blocks, and fraction towers are very easy to connect to written representations.
Anon says
not me, but my cousins went to montessori through age 12, then a traditional high school where they did great and top colleges
Anon says
Personal experience! I went to a Montessori through 4th grade, then switched to public schools to get more socialization since the Montessori classes were so small. I felt like I was way ahead and not learning anything new in public school until at least 7th grade. I was well-prepared for everything and have no regrets! I think it helped me to this day be more self-directed and “well let’s just figure it out.”
anon says
we planned to keep our kids at the AMI Montessori school where they started in Primary at least through Elementary but ended up moving to an area with no elementary Montessori schools when my oldest was in her second year of lower el (aka 2nd grade). So I can’t tell you what would have happened if we had stayed through age 12 but I can tell you that when she switched schools in 2nd grade (and went to another very highly regarded/academically rigorous private school), she was about a year and a half ahead; it took until fourth grade at the new school for her to get to material and concepts that she hadn’t already mastered at her Montessori school.
During our kids’ time at the Montessori school, progress did not happen linearly – both kids could encode (with moveable alphabet) before they could decode, and decode before they could write in print, for example. So if we had done standardized testing at a certain point, it may have looked like they were illiterate since they couldn’t legibly print their answers (even though they were fluent readers at that point, could do three-digit multiplication in their heads, and were well on their way to a beautiful Spencerian). For awhile they knew much more about the solar system than about anything else, it seemed like.
But it all evens out over time – our teachers were very good about encouraging/requiring kids to make progress in all areas of study even if they zoomed ahead in one area, and the positive peer pressure in lower el ensures that students try to keep up with each other so they can schedule their lessons together.
Where to graduates go? Graduates of our Montessori schools went to the best high schools in the city or did a few years of homeschool and then went to very competitive colleges at 16-17. So I wasn’t worried about outcomes even though we didn’t have test scores to “prove” that they were meeting “standards”.
Anonymous says
TL/DR: We had a very good experience with Montessori early elementary school and it compares favorably to our good public schools in academics. Our school only went through 3rd grade, so I’m not sure about grades 4-6 and how the exit to middle school would go.
We sent our three kids to a Montessori school for two years starting in fall 2020 because our public school went fully virtual for covid. They were in K, 1 and 3 for their last year of Montessori, and were way, way ahead of their peers when they went back to public school in fall 2022. They were all often bored and frustrated for the first year back in public school, actually, which wasn’t great. Granted, that was coming off of two years of pandemic-impacted instruction including one semester of fully virtual and one of hybrid, so hopefully it wouldn’t be as big of a discrepancy now.
I felt like Montessori school actually did a much better job with reading and math than the public school does. My youngest finished K/Primary knowing multiplication facts up to 12 and having a good concept of squares and cubes. Obviously he has done none of that in school since then, so he’s gotten rusty on a lot of it, but he’s retained excellent math sense and is in the math enrichment program. My middle child learned to read in the Montessori school (K-1), and their approach was very methodical and supported good progress with a lot of phonics focus (vs the sight words approach our oldest had in public school).
Additionally, the Montessori school offered them the opportunity to explore topics more deeply than they’ve done in public school, and I really liked that our particular school was big on promoting global citizenship by integrating study of other countries and cultures into the academic curriculum. I don’t think that’s necessarily Montessori-specific so much as small-private-school-where-teachers-have-more-time, resources, and leeway-to-be-creative-with-the-curriculum, but for example: my kids learned about Moroccan history and culture, made mint tea, studied & created mosaics in art and math/geometry class, found the Atlas Mountains and the Strait of Gibraltar on a map, and in PE they learned some traditional dance or whatever. There would be a new country focus every couple weeks. The kids loved it.
Our local public schools are good, and I believe that public schools teach valuable non-academic things, plus Montessori was a bit of a bubble and very expensive…otherwise we’d probably have kept our younger two kids there through 3rd grade. My youngest has certainly asked regularly to go back.
Anon says
Does anyone have a link to a specific YouTube yoga/stretching video for hip pain during pregnancy? I’d love a specific link – I get too overwhelmed sorting through the massive libraries for some of the big names out there and I’m tight on time this week for trial and erroring multiple videos. My hip has been giving me trouble while sleeping and I need some relief. TIA!
PP Hair Loss says
I gave birth in November. Stopped BFing in late Feb. I’m still losing LOTS of hair. It’s regrowing, so that’s nice, but I feel like with #1 I was not losing this much hair by now. Does this sound normal?
I recently had a hospital stay for pneumonia and when I was brushing my hair the (seasoned/experienced older) nurse suggested I get my thyroid checked when I was feeling better because even she observed the mass of hair I had coming out throughout my stay. I said I was 8 months postpartum and she still suggested it might not be a bad idea.
Thoughts? Also, for “getting your thyroid checked” – what does that actually mean? I’ve done plenty of blood panels done that have thyroid function in there, but I’ve also read there may be a much more comprehensive blood panel I could request? I know I have a small nodule on my thyroid that I have an ultrasound on every two years and no one seems particularly concerned about it, fwiw.
Anon says
Usually “get your thyroid checked” means blood tests for T3, T4, and TSH.
Anon says
+1 and your pcp or even OB can run that panel.
Anon says
Talk to your PCP. Getting your thyroid checked is a really simple blood test. FWIW– my PCP recommended this test for me postpartum because I had a really significant amount of hair loss and kept getting sick. Turns out I was just burnt out from my job… so it could be that nothing is wrong, but even if there is something up, treatment for thyroid is really manageable. (I’m on thyroid meds during my 2nd pregnancy but thyroid levels are normal when I’m not pregnant.)
Also, per my hair person, I lost over half my hair postpartum. My body just reacts really significantly to the hormones… Bloodwork was normal. I also lost a significant amount of hair when I was on the pill, so the hair loss was unfortunately consistent with what I’d experienced before. Covid and other viruses can also cause additional hair loss, so if you have had anything significant postpartum, it may be contributing.
anon says
Just screaming into the void this morning. A couple years ago area had 5 or 6 practicing Ob-Gyns, including two independent of the Catholic hospital. Now we’re down to less than 2, and both at the hospital practice.
I took the 1hr diabetes screening early in week 27, which I think is pretty standard. I threw up from the 3 hr test. Between OOO days, restrictions to the slowest lab in town, etc, I’m 31 weeks and still waiting to hear whether I need to schedule another 3 hr test. Grrr!
Anon says
Sadly, this is the story nationally. Rural OB closures are accelerating and OB/GYNs are fleeing anti-abortion states in droves, especially in the most draconian states like Idaho. It’s a huge disaster and it’s getting worse, I’m sorry to say.
anon says
Oh I know! But I’m in one of the states with the best protections on abortion rights, and it’s still happening. Most (all?) of the ER docs are on traveling rotation which is a billing nightmare, and I suspect soon the OBs will be the same.
Anonymous says
I’m in MD and I’m also having trouble scheduling the 3-hr test — apparently, our office only schedules 2 of them per day so it’s challenging to fit it in!
Anon says
Ooh I’m sorry. I was very close to barfing with the 3hr; it’s twice as much sugar in the same size drink, and is much grosser/more nauseating than the 1hr. Maybe they’ll let you use a monitor and test glucose throughout a day instead?
Anonymous says
Does anyone have any recommendations on what mattress to get for a 3 year old’s first big kid bed?
New Here says
We bought this last year when my then-3.5 year old moved to her bed. From Amazon:
Airdown Full Mattress, 6 Inch Memory Foam Mattress in a Box for Kids with Breathable Bamboo Cover, Medium Firm Green, Trundle Bed, CertiPUR-US Certified, Made in USA
CCLA says
Don’t overthink it, but if there’s a chance you or another adult will use the bed, get something not awful (the 3 yo won’t notice but you will!). We have both tuft and needle and leesa mattresses (whatever their entry level ones were) for our kids and they’ve held up well, and I’ve used both several times.
Anon says
How many weeks of parental leave did you get? How did your body feel? Any other tips to help me navigate leave and childcare? I’m an older mom 7 months pregnant with my first. I only have 8 weeks paid leave unfortunately. I work from home exclusively and have many Fridays off. My husband only gets 6 weeks paid leave. We have discussed him quitting his job to be a FT stay at home parent, as I make significantly more and daycare costs are exhorbitant in our VHCOL city.
Over the weekend, a friend emphatically advised me that at 8 weeks, there’s no way I can go back to work. I don’t really have a choice in the matter though. I know that everyone is different, too. Just looking for some more anecdata. This is also the first grandchild in my family, so I don’t have any siblings to ask either.
Anon says
Working from home will hopefully make a big difference. I find that by 6 weeks I feel pretty back to normal, but if I over exert myself with activity I do feel it (specially, too much walking or time away from the house, which won’t be as much of an issue with WFH). You’ll also hopefully get a little more sleep and rest time without a commute. And if your husband is home (either on paternity leave or permanently) for your first month of work and can handle the cooking and chores, you’ll probably have a good shot at a smooth transition.
Anonymous says
I went back to work at 6 weeks post partum after a C section with twins when I was 36, commuting via public transportation and in office 5 days a week. We aren’t the same person, but there’s some anecdata for you. People do it all the time with jobs where you don’t get to sit in front of a computer.
If your husband can split his leave so he takes 2 weeks after birth, then 4 weeks after you go back to work, that would be ideal to let him get comfortable with doing all the baby stuff and see if he has the capacity to be a full time dad.
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1 on the second paragraph. Definitely have him do part of his leave after you!
And I had more weeks of leave, but I felt more or less fine physically by 8 weeks. And if you don’t have to leave your house, that’s even better. If baby is home, you don’t have to worry about pumping (unless you want to be on a set schedule), and can take breaks at home as needed. Very different than going into an office or going back to something like nursing where you’re on your feet all day.
Anonymous says
This is exactly the split I would do. Have your DH take two weeks after the birth so you can just rest and nurse. And then take the other 4 weeks when you go back to work.
It won’t be easy to go back at 8 weeks but the WFH is the game changer here. You can nurse instead of pump in the first couple weeks so you don’t have to figure out that as well. You can take a nap at lunch time and where comfy pants. Plus no commute time.
Have you thought about a nanny over daycare? If you have most Fridays off, and you and your DH can offset your work schedules a bit, you might be able to get by with a part time nanny. I would wait until after baby arrives to make decisions on your DH staying at home full time.
Anon says
omg you are supermom. i also had a c section with twins and no way on earth i couldve done this
Anonymous says
If you can get a nanny so the baby, and by extension you, is not always sick, it should be doable.
Anon says
Pregnant with my first at 35 and going to take about 5 months, some of which will be unpaid (none of it will be fully paid). My husband is also going to take about the same amount of time concurrently and will have full pay for most of it. What state do you live in?
Boston Legal Eagle says
Not your question, but since I recommend this to everyone – have your husband do part of his leave after you go back!! It’s great to set up an equal parenting dynamic, plus baby gets more time with a parent.
Anon says
+1 to this
Anon says
We’ve decided not to do that, although we considered it and have a few friends who liked it. We also have friends who strongly recommended taking it at the same time to learn and grow together, which sounds far more appealing to us. Everyone should have options and choices, though, and sadly our system isn’t set up for that for most families.
Anon says
OP – I’m in MA, which allows more paid family leave time, however I negotiated 8 weeks paid when I took the job as I was early in my pregnancy. I left a job that offered 8 weeks unpaid, and MA’s paid leave is capped at like 25% of my salary, so that would have been challenging.
This makes me wonder if my husband would qualify for additional paid time off through the state if he takes an unpaid leave from his work before potentially quitting.
anon says
Yes – definitely have your husband investigate this. I’m in MA and my husband had 12 weeks paid time through the state up to their maximum and then his company “topped off” the payments to make him whole to his salary while he was out. I had a November 2023 baby so this is a recent experience.
Can you not take an additional 4 weeks unpaid by your employer but still get paid by the state during the weeks 9-12, despite what you negotiated? Does the state payment come in to play during your initial 8 weeks of leave?
Anon says
You should definitely check on what your husband can qualify for through the state – and negotiating a paid leave with your employer won’t negate any state laws pertaining to your rights while on leave. It’s super annoying and complex (going through it myself for California), but I’ll be entitled to more partial paid leave than I thought and I think it’s worth pursuing all the avenues before making a final decision.
Anonymous says
I posted about getting a nanny but it seems stuck in mod. To elaborate: for me by far the most difficult part of going back to work was the constant day care illnesses. Between having to pick up a sick baby from day care at least once every other week, taking the baby to the pediatrician, and catching every illness much worse than the baby did, it was brutal. Actually going back to work, talking to adults, having a routine, using my brain, and being able to go to the bathroom whenever I wanted was all great for my sanity. I would strongly consider using a nanny until age 6-12 months purely for the illness factor.
Anon says
I had 12 weeks automatically (6 weeks of parental leave and 6 weeks of sick leave for a V delivery) and then took two weeks of vacation time for 14 total weeks, which felt very good to me. I loved being home with my baby but was also feeling ready to go back by then.
Physically, I would have had no issues returning any time after 2 weeks, and I had a rough delivery with a third degree tear. But the sleep deprivation will be the hardest part about going back early. Mine started sleeping through the night around 6 weeks and that’s very early; most babies don’t do that.
Anonymous says
Can your husband delay his paid leave until after you go back to work?
Anon says
I think you should be able to make it work. I had lingering issues with one – my c-section hadn’t fully closed up – so I was still doing doctor’s appointments at that time, so you really don’t know in advance though. I’d plan to go back at 8 weeks, but there’s an outside chance you need more time. I’ve always had “only” 12, but was ready at that time and was in the office five days a week. If you’re WFH 8 weeks should be very doable.
Anon says
Agree with this. 8 is not ideal but it happens all the time, everywhere (sadly, but truly). Just have a contingency plan if you do have a physical need to be out longer. Are you able to WFH for a few weeks when you go back? Or increase the number of days you WFH for the first month or two?
You got this. As I often remind myself about all things baby-hood (and I currently have an 8 month old), ’tis but a season. As hard as it feels in the moment, it’s short lived and you will be on the other side of it soon enough. Good luck!
Anon anecdata says
With my first pregnancy, I hemorrhaged badly and basically couldn’t do anything without assistance for ~2 weeks. It wasn’t until ~6 weeks that I could even comfortably go for walks. I was truly shell shocked for weeks by my own physical recovery. That said, that baby was an early overnight sleeper, so I was well rested by that time! Going back at 8 weeks would have been physically very difficult, and emotionally incredibly challenging.
My second pregnancy, I went on a three mile walk the day I got home from the hospital, and generally just felt great. By 4 weeks I was re-painting the interiors of our whole house. In that case, going back at 8 weeks would have been physically fine, however baby still was struggling with sleep for another week or two beyond that point, so I would have been pretty salty about it.
anon says
Agreed; I physically could not have gone back to work at 8 weeks after babies 1 and 3; I had hemorrhages and other complications that meant I couldn’t really even be alone with the baby for any length of time or do anything by myself before 8 weeks, and if I had had to go back at 8 weeks or even 12 weeks I would have quit.
Second baby I felt great and she was an easy sleeper and I spent my maternity leave doing projects, being productive and taking my older kid with us to fun places, so I probably could have been working at 8 weeks.
An.On. says
I went back to the office at 10 weeks but physically I could have gone back a lot sooner. I have a desk job and did not have a c-section, and was able to sit comfortably for long periods after only a few weeks. It really depends on how difficult the birth is.
Anon says
OP – thanks for all this helpful feedback! I’m feeling a lot better about 8 weeks then WFH. Also, I really like the idea of having my husband split up his leave as suggested and exploring if he can get unpaid leave from his work/paid through the state to see if being a FT dad works for us.
Anon says
What back to school clothes are you buying your early elementary girls? Taking my daughter in person clothes shopping tomorrow and looking for inspiration.
GCA says
Old Navy, mostly. Rising 1st grader still fits into most of her stuff and has ample hand-me-downs from older brother so it’s really just filling in wardrobe gaps. I wait till the last possible second to buy joggers or leggings because of late growth spurts!
ANon says
on this note, our school has a very strict dress code (only certain colored clothing, almost liek a uniform) and we also just order school supplies through the school. i have so many memories of back to school shopping with my mom and a part of me is sad i wont have that with my daughters, but the other part of me thinks it’s much easier not to have to do it
OP says
It’s not a need for us either. My kid still fits into most things, I’m mainly just doing it because I think it will be fun. We’re planning to get a few new pieces to make her existing clothes feel more special, not spend tons of money buying a whole new wardrobe.
You could still shop for new clothes this time of year even if they wear uniforms to school, right? But obviously there are tons of other ways to make special memories so I wouldn’t worry about not doing this.
Anon says
honestly where we live it is still SO hot, we spend our weekends in bathing suits still this time of year
DLC says
I usually go to the local consignment or thrift store so that we can get a variety of brands/ styles.
Mary Moo Cow says
We have uniforms, so our back to school shopping is for fun clothes. I recently took my 9 year old to J.Crew Factory and she got a sweatshirt, a t-shirt, a skort, and some earrings. I see her friends in jumpsuits, short-and-button down sets, skorts and cute tees, and joggers.
It was slim pickings for stuff she could wear, now, though, and mostly long sleeves!
Anon says
Thanks! I’m actually hoping to get mostly cold weather clothing. Short sleeve weather will be over here in 6-8 weeks and it won’t get warm again until May or June so we get a lot more use out of sweaters and pants.
anon says
DD is a 4th grader, but this is what we’ve purchased in the last week:
2 fall dresses – for family pictures, church, and random dress-up occasions
Flare jeans – SO STINKING CUTE
Vans – They are white per her request; this was probably a bad choice, lol.
2 new t-shirts
1 new tank top
The cutest quarter-zip fleece pullover from Old Navy
Flare leggings (in my world, these are yoga pants)
Honestly, it’s so hot right now that she’s going to be wearing summer clothes for another 6 weeks at least, but we still had fun!