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For Washable Wednesday, I thought we’d feature a weekend item — this fantastic sweatshirt from Etsy seller DentzDenim. Not only does it cover your tuchus, but it also is a great way to tell the world, “Even though my kid is REALLY into pirates right now, I’ve managed to both encourage that and keep my own interests.” I think nothing would look sexier than a nursing-bra strap peeking out. (Also good: mommy juice cups.) Have a great day, ladies! DentzDenim ‘Ship Faced’ Pink Slouchy Oversized Sweatshirt
(L-6)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Shayla says
After only 3 hours sleep (work induced) I feel like a just fought two different wars just to get out of the house. The baby and the toddler mostly won. The toddler really went all out and threw a fit at day care drop off. It’s mornings like these that I meed a bar to be open so I can regain my courage to face the day. Internet hugs to anyone else having an epic beginning to their day.
KJ says
I’m sorry, that sounds really rough! You should definitely treat yourself to a little something today.
Mini bottles says
This sounds like a job for a mini bottle of whiskey or Bailey’s in your coffee. Right there with you: three kids to get to three different schools this morning. Husband has a training call that means he disappears at 7:45 to start prepping and begin call. Two kids work up a hour earlier than normal (when I normally can get myself ready, and also, wtf) and proceeded to trash their room. We are all sick with a dregs-of-winter cold. It’s a miracle I made it to work; clearly I can’t even reply correctly. Hugs backatcha.
Shayla says
You’re not only brilliant, you’ve got excellent timing! Except, it was mini bottles of Gallo wine at Walgreens for $.99! I think I’m going to wait until it’s closer to lunch and go get a few, one for today on the train home and a few to have in case of emergencies.
Three little ones, bless your heart. I am sure they’ll do something cute and precious soon that makes you forget all this angst. That’s at least what I tell myself.
Anonyc says
There are days when the proportion of cute things to annoying/actively bad things is low, and on those days I find myself wandering around picking up things after they all go down muttering, “totally uncool, kid, totally uncool.” All done with beer in hand, naturally.
Thankfully those days are rare. I still have a beer every night to build up my zen reserves ;-)
FVNC says
No joke: on days I work from home, I often have to stop myself from reflexively reaching for the wine bottle when I open the fridge for lunch. Sending good thoughts to all the mamas having a rough day today.
(former) preg 3L says
There are definitely days when I have to remind myself, “she won’t be a baby forever…”. These days are hard, mamas!
EP-er says
Hugs to you and commiseration. Nothing was right with my 3 year old this morning. Her toast was toasted! With butter! And the yogurt was the wrong color! And her brother was now eating the wrong colored yogurt she didn’t want! And she wasn’t getting dressed! And I gave her the wrong shoes! We ended up at day care in pajamas with fruit snacks as a bribe to not cry when I left. She is always happy after I am gone, but this separation anxiety that she is going through right now is killing me. I have been catching up on Mad Men and wonder what it would be like to have a bar in my office. And then I think that they were all functioning alcoholics on that show.
It gets better.
Shayla says
“Her toast was toasted! With butter!”
OMG. Same argument. And my toddler asked for, and I quote, “hot toast with butter.” Not to be confused with “cold toast with butter” that is just bread and butter, of course.
mascot says
Some days are like that, even in Australia. Hang in there
Mini bottles says
ed wrong place
anon says
First day our new au pair is home alone with the kids. And first day kids being cared for by someone other than family (my MIL was our childcare until now). I dreamt last night that I found a pile of sandwiches that she was supposed to have fed our son, but that she’d just been throwing them away instead. I have no reason to think she isn’t 100% competent but, ugh, scary, especially since neither kid is old enough to talk very well.
KRS2 says
Thanks for all the helpful comments from yesterday! I ordered Expecting Better and can’t wait to read it. One quick follow up q: my first appointment will be at the beginning of my 9th week and I’m having to switch doctors because my regular doc doesn’t do deliveries anymore. I guess I am a little nervous because it’s a new person and I don’t know what to expect. Can anyone tell me what happens at the first appointment? Do I need to bring my husband? Anything I need to do to prepare?
mascot says
Each office does things a little differently for those first couple of appointments. Things your husband probably wants/needs to be there for are hearing the heartbeat (although this is done at every appt), the ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy, and the questionnaire/medical history of the parents for the screenings. I’d call the office and ask what their timeline is for this stuff.
Preg in VA says
Yes, def bring the husband! I recently had my first appointment. The first part of it was an ultrasound, and DH would have been so upset if he had missed that. I then did a long medical history and the nurse asked many questions of my husband as well. I then had a quick pelvic and nurse also looked at my bre@sts.
Newly pregnant says
I agree on bringing DH for all of the reasons above. My doctor did a long medical history too, and I didn’t know a lot of his family details. My husband also reminded me of some of my family medical history!
Anon for this says
Definitely bring him to the first, so long as it’s not just a blood test to confirm the pregnancy. If it’s an actual appointment, bring him. Additionally, I know no newly pregnant person wants to hear this, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, but not all (though the majority by far! so don’t fret!) first appointments are good news. It’s nice to have the support there, just in case. Or conversely, if you get super good news that it’s twins!
KRS2 says
No offense taken, it’s one of my biggest anxieties right now. H wanted to tell our families right away and while I understand they would all be there for us with love and support, I shudder to think of how many people we’d have to tell if something did go wrong, so it’s a very good point.
PregAnon says
I STILL have this anxiety, at almost 17 weeks. I guess something *still* could go wrong, and now everyone knows…
Left coaster says
So right there with you. Almost 14 weeks and I am still just as anxious as I was at 5 weeks, compounded by the fear that I’ll have to un-tell the people who now know.
PregLawyer says
Um, I still have this fear at 27 weeks . . . am I going to be an anxious mess for the rest of my life?
Anonymity says
I do too at 21 weeks. Haven’t even told most of my friends that I only usually communicate with by email yet. I don’t think I was quite this bad with no 1.
PregAnon says
I kind of wish I hadn’t told anyone…but I was so sick it was either tell them of have everyone think I was dying…
Katarina says
At my first appointment, which was around that time, my OB did a pap exam and a transvaginal ultrasound. I also had a lot of blood drawn. We talked to the doctor, particularly about whether I wanted an nt scan. Also, I saw a new OB, but I got to know her quite well over the course of the pregnancy.
TBK says
So my 12 mo old twins still aren’t sleeping through the night. They did a long stretch where they’d wake up at 4:00 or 5:00, have a bottle, and go back to sleep until 7:00. Lately, we’ve had a 5:30am wake up (like, let’s bounce in our cribs and yell and party wake-up, and eff you mom if you come in and try to sing us back to sleep it’s MORNING), several 2:00 or 3:00am wake ups. And last night, they woke up at 2:30, had a bottle, then one stayed up for another hour fussing roughly once every 10 min or so (so, just as I was falling asleep again, but then he’d stop so I’d wait to see if he was really crying, drift off, get jolted awake again…). Finally I made another 1/2 bottle for each of them, they finished those off and went back to sleep around 4:00. WTF, babies. Also, now they’re on cow milk I have to go downstairs to the kitchen to make bottles instead of mixing formula in their room (yes, yes, they’re supposed to be on sippy cups not bottles by now, but we have enough going on right now without adding that in).
So these guys each drank about 10 oz of milk in the middle of the night. After sucking down 8oz each just before bed. The au pair says they ate well during the day so I don’t know what’s up. Growth spurt? But should 12 mo olds still be waking up every night (or super early morning) for bottles? I’ve tried giving just water, or rocking back to sleep without bottles, or just patting their backs, etc., but none of it works. Whereas if I give them bottles, they generally finish them off and go back to sleep. Anyone else had 1 yr olds still not sleeping through the night? After the 1 1/2 hrs of awake time in the middle of the night, I’m a zombie today.
mascot says
I think the 5:30 wakeup is pretty normal. Kids get up with the chickens. It gets better, but some kids and adults are just early risers. It’s also annoying as all get out for the morning routine and your sleep.
For the middle of the night feeding, could be a growth spurt or just a lingering habit. Most babies probably don’t need that middle of the night feeding but they won’t turn it down. The analogy I heard was imagine that someone brought you your favorite pizza at 2 a.m. You probably aren’t hungry, but pizza is delicious so you eat some. I only had to break one baby of the late night feed so I’m not sure how exactly you do that with two babies in the same room.
Anonyc says
We had a somewhat similar situation with our first–he’d wake up every night around 12/1 for a final nurse. I encouraged it because I was at a firm; if I didn’t nurse him because I got home too late this last late nursing session meant I didn’t have to pump (again). He would also occasionally wake in the middle of the night. When we went in for the one-year check up, the ped told me to cut out the late-night feeding because he should be sleeping through the night. We did a little CIO; I’m a wuss on h-core CIO so it was more like let the crying happen for 10 mins, check him, etc., but it worked pretty quickly. He was sleeping through the night soon after.
The early morning wake ups may be their new wake-up time, which stinks. But the middle-of-the-night stuff might just need to be ignored/not responded to until they get accustomed to sleeping through until morning. This is harder when there’s two kids in one room (one wakes up, then wakes the other one up) so if that seems to be an issue, try separating them (we use the PnP in another room for sleep training kids who share rooms) and tackling one kid at a time. Also, are you the person who usually feeds them? I’ve had luck sending in my husband who is less associated with food to reassuring kids. And don’t worry about the bottle v sippy cup; that can wait. Finally, sometimes kids are just going through growth spurts and problems resolve on their own once that abates (that’s the ride-it-out option; hard to bank on, however).
Good luck.
TBK says
We’ve done CIO for bedtime, but I’m hesitant about doing it middle of the night mostly because it seems like they’re honestly hungry. It’s the fact that even 30 min of rocking and shushing, water, etc. does nothing but one bottle and they’re out again. But then everything says 1 yr olds don’t need feeding at night. Letting them cry when they just don’t want to go to sleep is one thing (hard, but doable) but it seems different to let them cry when they’re hungry I guess.
Anonyc says
I know! I felt the same way, but my ped was all like, cut it out: he’s only hungry because you’ve trained him to be hungry at this inconvenient, late-night time. It’s like that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine gets addicted to cake at 4:30 because her office kept having afternoon birthday parties and then she eats J. Peterman’s special Windsor marriage cake…but I digress. Point is, it may be that they need to be trained out of being hungry in the middle of the night, and then they won’t wake up because that hunger is gone.
I’ve had good luck with training on two kids. My middle kid was a great sleeper as an infant, a terrible sleeper as a toddler, and so-so as a preschooler. Sometimes kids are just going to do what they are going to do and you are the collateral damage. Hang in there; it does get better.
JJ says
I felt the exact same way with ours – it took forever to wean off the middle-of-the-night feeding because he was hungry. But our pediatrician told us that babies that old will eat in the middle of the night if it’s offered to them. If it’s not offered, then they’ll just eat a little more during the day to compensate. It’s not necessary.
After 3 nights of CIO for the middle-of-the-night wakeup, ours has slept soundly through the night since then.
pockets says
Not every 12 month old sleeps through the night, but of those who don’t, virtually all of them haven’t gone through CIO. It’s hard, it stinks, but (99.99% of the time) it works.
anon says
Could you use powdered milk for these kinds of nights? That way you could mix it up without going down to the fridge.
layered bob says
I am pregnant with my first child so I don’t have my own experience to share, but I did nanny (way more than) full-time for a couple years. With two of those kids, they slept longer if they went to bed earlier – this might not help the middle-of-the-night issue, but if you solve that, putting them to bed *earlier* might solve the 5:30 wake-up issue. Shifting one toddler’s bedtime from 8:30 to 7:30 meant he slept until 6:30 instead of 5:30. I don’t know why it works but sometimes it does.
1 YO says
Yep, 1 year old goes to sleep at 6:30, wakes up at 10, 1, 3, and 5 for feedings usually. It’s tiring but I am ok with it for now because he really doesn’t drink much at all at daycare (eats a good amount of solid foods). So, you are not alone. It’s rough when they wake up and are really up at night. That is so, so different than waking up, eating, and going back to sleep.
Carrie M says
Have you tried upping the amount of milk they get before bed? Or maybe a dream feed before you even go to bed – like 10pm or 11pm? I was reading Brazelton’s Touchpoints chapters on 12 month olds and 15 month olds, and he says even though most babies at this age can sleep through the night, some still wake up hungry, but a preemptive dream feed can help prevent that wake-up.
He also talks about how it’s very typical for kids this age to start waking up every 4 hours. Because they’re learning how to walk, their brains are in overdrive at night, and when they stir from a sleep cycle, the first thing they think about is the awesomeness of standing or cruising or moving in any way. So their hunger could definitely be a growth spurt (and I’d trust your gut on that) but their wakefulness may also be compounded by the other development that’s going on.
Hang in there!
Carrie M says
Also – my 13 month old eats all.the.food. She rarely turns down a meal. She guzzles 8 oz of milk as soon as she wakes in the morning, has 3 good meals plus 1 snack, probably another 8 oz of milk throughout the day, and then another 6-8 oz at bed time (and we’re still doing bottles in the morning and at night, if it makes you feel better!).
Nonny says
Aha, so THAT explains why my almost 15-month-old, who was previously sleeping through the night, is now waking up every 4 hours. Because that’s exactly the time interval. She is learning to talk. Of course. I should have realized it – sleep troubles nearly always coincide with developmental changes.
Did the book say how long the 4-hour wake-ups are likely to last?
R says
I’m pretty sure there’s a 12 month sleep regression. (Yes some people think they’re myths, but those people have perfect sleepers who only needed CIO for 20 min one night when they were 4 months old.) There’s not much you can do but wait it out.
The comments on this post really made me feel better when my kid still didn’t sleep through the night at 12 months. Actually, the whole Ask Moxie site is pretty good for no-BS info about kids.
http://askmoxie.org/blog/2011/06/qa-12-month-old-not-sleeping-through-the-night.html
ANP says
Chiming in to say that the middle of the night stuff is probably the result of a sleep regression. For both of my kids, these typically last 1-2 weeks.
They could just be early risers at 5:30AM, too. But I’ll also say (and someone mentioned this upthread) that you might have better luck putting them to bed earlier — counterintuitive as it may seem! That’s worked for both of our kiddos.
For reference, our eldest started sleeping through the night at 9 months but #2 didn’t get there until 14.5 months. Looking back, I have NO idea how I survived. Good luck mama!
Maddie Ross says
If one of the issues is getting the milk from downstairs in the middle of hte night, could you offer water instead? If it’s thirst, this will quench it. If it’s hunger, this is supposed to be good for weaning them off middle of the night feedings. And it has the bonus of keeping you upstairs because you can either pre-fill and not have to refrigerate or just get from a bathroom sink even.
Maddie Ross says
Oh, and hugs on the 5:30 thing. My child has never been a later sleeper, but it’s been worse lately. Most mornings are between 5 and 5:30. Now that she’s older, I’ll be honest, we do let her lie in bed and cry/play/chat/scream until 6am. But she’s getting to the point where she’s old enough to have a bit of a realization that it’s still dark when she gets up and that’s not cool (to us at least… seems super cool to her).
RR says
No, 12 month olds do not need to eat overnight. And honestly shouldn’t be eating overnight unless you are brushing their teeth after (I’m not trying to be judgey because I’m super hit and miss on brushing my 19 month old’s teeth, but sometimes you need extra reasons why you are right to proceed a certain way). CIO is your friend. Especially with twins. BTDT. Let them figure it out. They will be fine. They will quickly adjust in a couple days to taking in more calories during the day if, in fact, the problem is that they are hungry (as opposed to just conditioned to wake up in the middle of the night). The early morning wakeups are harder, but I find that delaying going in (i.e., don’t go get them just because they are awake if they are happy) means that they sometimes start to go back to sleep. MUCH harder with twins, yes, because they tend to keep each other up.
TBK says
Thanks everyone. Another reason I’m loath to let them CIO at 3:00am is that their room is next-door to the au pair’s and I hate to keep her up. But then she knew she was coming to a house with twin babies, so…
Newly pregnant says
I would just tell her you’re going to try CIO in advance – maybe she could sleep with earplugs in?
Maddie Ross says
Sell it as a short term negative that’s a positive for her – once we did sleep training, it impacted not only night but naps too. That would be a huge benefit to her!
PEN says
6 weeks along and between 24/7 morning sickness and chasing an increasingly mobile 11 month old, I am going to die and/or get fired. Just need to tell that to someone as I sit at work and try to hide the fact that I am pregnant.
just Karen says
Sending an internet hug your way – hang in there!
PregAnon says
Big hugs! Mine started at about 5 weeks and still isn’t gone at 17 :(
One thing I did finally cave in and try was the unisom + b6 at night, and then hitting the Zofran as soon as I woke up. That got me to work, at least. But huge sympathy from me! I thought I was going to die. Still do, sometimes.
Shayla says
Kat, so you don’t think no one’s noticed your epic April fools post, I would like to say that you got me. The sweatshirt caught my eye and all I could think was wtf. In my post-toddler-drop-off angst it took a few good moments (actually, loading the regular site page up) before I realized what was happening. Bravo.
Newly pregnant says
haha, me too.
FVNC says
This post had me going until I saw the part about the nursing bra strap peeking out! My first thought was — wow, I’m further behind the fashion curve than I thought, if this is what NYC mothers are wearing on weekends.
anon says
I could see this as a real outfit on the Mom Edit, if it weren’t pink.
KJ says
Hahahahaha! So true. I like that blog, but sometimes they get such a big WTF from me.
Anonymous says
Like, all the time, you mean? They dress like slovenly teens who should be told by their mothers to dress nicer.
NewMomAnon says
Just thought I’d throw this in there, given all the tough mornings showing up – for the first time in WEEKS, my kiddo did not have a tantrum this morning. It was awesome. We cuddled, we read books (so many books), we sang songs (I sang a song, she moaned roughly in time to the melody), we drank from a measuring cup in the shower, she even helped me pick up dog food when it spilled on the kitchen floor. Kiddo also threw yogurt all over the kitchen and emptied a pack of baby wipes on the bedroom floor, but I’m counting it among our best mornings.
Shayla says
Woohoo! That’s awesome. Be sure to write this all down in an email to yourself so you can revisit it on especially bad mornings, or in 10 years when you’re missing the baby phase. Fingers crossed and magic voodoo that this happens for you more often!
NewMomAnon says
AND I just realized that I clobbered my hours for March after missing them horribly in February. Best morning in a while.
RDC says
Good Morning ladies – I missed feeding Tuesday, but I wanted to ask if you all have bottle recommendations. We have dr Browns and the bazillion little parts are driving. me. crazy. Are there any bottles out there that are a bit more low-maintenance to wash and assemble? Any tips for making the nightly washing a little quicker? Right now it takes over a half hour to assemble bottles and wash everything (bottles and pump parts). I prefer not to run them through the dishwasher since ours is not terribly effective; I feel like it just swishes the dirty water around. Any tips?
ANP says
I’m no help b/c we’re Dr. Brown’s users as well and we have a dishwasher basket. Could you put yours in the dishwasher and then microwave-sterilize the parts in a steam bag (the Medela kind)? Otherwise it may just be a matter of baby’s preference as you find an alternative you like.
CPA Lady says
Oh my god, no recommendations, but commiseration– I totally feel taken in by dr. brown and his million effing bottle parts. I would not have those bottles anymore if I had to hand wash! One of the happiest days in recent memory was when amazon started carrying the dishwasher basket for the wide mouth bottle parts.
That said, since you sound committed to hand washing– have you tried just making a sink full of soapy water and letting everything soak and then rinsing?
I am not looking forward to my daughter growing up, but I am looking forward to her outgrowing bottles because seriously… what a damn hassle.
RDC says
Thanks for the commiseration! Good to know I’m not the only one. This is what I’ve been doing – soak in a big bowl of soapy water, then rinse. It’s a little faster, anyways.
JJ says
We used Dr. Brown’s for about 2 weeks, then switched to Born Free bottles for both kids. They only have a few pieces and those pieces are MUCH easier to clean. If you don’t want to switch (or your child won’t take a new bottle brand), I would get a dishwasher basket and use that for the pieces. Then you could get one of the plastic steamer/sterilizers for the microwave and run the pieces through that for a final sterilization.
Shayla says
We use born free and I love it. There are four parts including the bottle (but not the bottle cap).
pockets says
I hated Dr. Brown, they leaked. I used the B00b bottle by Joovy, which worked fine and has fewer parts, but I don’t recommend them because you can’t really get them on Amazon Prime. I think Avent bottles have the fewest parts.
(former) preg 3L says
I just use the medela bottles that go with my pump. I bought 6 n!pples, and like a bazillion (okay, 10-15ish) bottles.
FVNC says
Same here. My baby refused Born Free bottles, and once we realized she liked the Medela bottles, we didn’t try anything else. We weren’t dealing with any reflux or other sensitivity issues, which may have made things simpler.
anonymama says
yup
quailison says
Me too – Medela bottles. I got the Medela “Calma” nipples which supposedly mimic breastfeeding (they require the kid to suck) and my 9 week old goes back and forth pretty easily on the few times per week he gets a bottle. These nipples have three parts – not sure if that’s better or worse than Dr. Brown’s. I hand wash and use the Medela bag for sterilization, but since it’s only a few days a week it’s not too bad.
just Karen says
We really like the classic Avent bottles – way less parts. We do run them through the dishwasher with a basket for the small parts, but if you aren’t confident in how clean it is getting them, would steam sterilizing make you feel better? We use the munchkin microwave sterilizer and love it – so when something comes out of the dishwasher less than perfect, I rinse it off, throw it in there, and call it good enough. (We actually do use it all the time, not just when the dishwasher hasn’t fully performed).
RDC says
Follow up question – for those that use the dishwasher, do you run it every night? Or buy enough bottles that you can make it a couple days?
CPA Lady says
We have enough bottles for 2.5-3 days, and run the dishwasher every two days. We have 4 Dr. Brown dishwasher baskets ( 3 regular and 1 wide mouth). Usually there are like two plates in the bottom and the entire top is bottles.
CHJ says
I loved the Playtex Drop-In bottles. They have a disposable liner so clean up is very easy – just run the tops and the bases through the dishwasher every night. Total sanity saver!
Burgher says
Right there with you… I pump into Medela bottles but send the milk in Dr Brown’s bottles. I was just thinking last night “OMG I do not remember this taking this long and being this much work the first time around!” I even have a new fancy dishwasher with bottle nozzles, but half the time it’s just as easy to handwash and get it done instead of loading everything up and waiting.
After the baby gets a little older (maybe 4-6 months?), better at eating and controlling his own movements, breastfeeding at home firmly established, etc… I am probably just going to send the milk directly in the Medela bottles to eliminate a lot of the work. That’s what I did with kid #1 and it was fine. Kid #2 is not even 8 weeks now so I want to stick with a bottle that is as close to mimicking breastfeeding as possible for the time being.
RDC says
Thanks all – just ordered the munchkin sterilizer and it sounds like it’s time for baby to do a test run with some different bottles. He’s 4 months now so maybe the Medela ones will work – that would make life so much easier!
RR says
I loved the Playtex drop ins for all my kiddos. Super easy.
Katarina says
I used Ameda bottles with Dr. Brown’s nipples. I think the nipple is more important than the bottle.
Nonny says
OK guys, I considered going anon for this but who cares.
I am not doing well. I am fatigued all the time, generally not happy, and this morning my SO reminded me we should eat the leftovers in the fridge for dinner tonight and it made me cry. I am not concentrating well at work, am making mistakes and am not billing well (due to lack of concentration). SO and I have only done the deed once since LO was born almost 15 months ago – and I don’t even care because I have no desire to do so, though I know it is very bad for our relationship and SO is unhappy about it. I feel like everything is go, go, go and I never have two minutes to myself. By the time I sit down for an hour at the end of the day, I am too tired to even enjoy myself, and instead just sit there worrying about bedtime because who knows how many times I’ll end up having to get up in the middle of the night. I am constantly behind in my tasks and feel like nothing is going right.
I am thinking of going to talk to my doctor because it occurred to me yesterday that this could be depression. However, on the other hand it could just as easily be sleep deprivation. I’m sure half of you are going through exactly the same things and it can probably all be attributed to the trials and tribulations of dealing with a baby. I did have a run-in with depression (undiagnosed, but I’m sure of it) a few years ago and managed to get myself out of it. Part of me thinks that if I could just get some regular exercise (when?) and find someone to clean my house (who?) it would help things a lot. But those things feel ten million miles away and just too difficult to achieve.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for….commiseration? Advice? I did end up booking that trip to Disneyland next month and am SO looking forward to the escape from reality and the dose of sunshine, but am afraid that even if I feel better after that, nothing will really change and I’ll go back to feeling the way I am now.
Pigpen's Mama says
Some commiseration and advice.
First, many hugs. I know how that complete lack of energy and motivation feels. More days than not I feel like I’m barely making it (or outright failing) as a mom, wife, and employee.
It does sound like depression, which could be caused by sleep deprivation. I think seeing a doctor would be a good start. The problem with depression is that you think you can work your way out of it, but the nature of depression makes it hard to do those things that would help you work your way out of it.
Get someone to clean your house — ask around for recommendations or just pick the first well-reviewed listing from Angie’s List or Yelp — I got a name from a friend of mine and she’s been awesome. If the person doesn’t work out, you’re not stuck with the service for ever.
Can you get a babysitter for an evening? Or just take a day off work and keep your baby in his or her usual care setup. I haven’t done this yet, but keep meaning too, especially when I am having a non-productive streak. It seems counter-intuitive to do so when you’re not feeling efficient, but it can help recharge you.
NewMomAnon says
*hugs*
Yes, I am there too. Getting my kiddo to sleep through the night and giving myself permission to not jump every time she cried was helpful, but not a magic bullet. Exercise and a clean house didn’t help; I just found new ways to torture myself with worry or “should haves.” Should save more money, should purge my closet even more, should do yard work, should move my kiddo to a new daycare, should look for a better/safer/saner job, should plan elaborate playdates…etc. I see a lot of that in what you’ve written – you think you should get more sleep, exercise, clean the house, have s*x, bill more, take vacations, enjoy your downtime, have more downtime, etc. Those are a lot of expectations for yourself, on top of being a new mom.
It sounds like you also are thinking you “should” be able to pull yourself out of this alone, which is just another “should” that will add to your guilt list. I would absolutely reach out to your doctor and find a therapist. And from experience – being hard on yourself is hard on a marriage. Couples counseling might be really valuable, or having your husband involved in your mental health plan so he knows what you’re up against and can be your ally instead of feeling like just another “should.”
But you are not alone. And it’s hard. And it can get better.
KJ says
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Here are a few ideas:
Definitely get screened for depression and anxiety. It might really help and it certainly doesn’t hurt.
I know you’re not billing well at work, but is there any way to take a day or half and day off and tackle some of the home projects? Maybe your SO could take the day too and you could work on them together. If home stuff is really bothering you, freeing up that mental space might be worth using the time off. I find that if I cross nagging things off my to-do list, I can focus better at work and enjoy my leisure time more.
It sounds like your LO isn’t sleeping too well. Have you thought about using a sleep consultant? There are some who will work with you over email or Skype. My big take away lesson from my first year with a baby is that without sleep everything is terrible, full stop.
Second the advice to hire a house cleaner. It makes SUCH a big difference. You can ask your co-workers for recommendations.
Can you try to incorporate some exercise into the time you spend with the baby, like taking a long stroller walk or a bike ride with her?
If you feel like you SO isn’t supporting you in the way you need, have a talk with him about that.
I hope you get some sleep and feel better soon!
JJ says
Here’s the thing about depression: when you’re in the thick of it, your mind will tell you all the reasons what you’re going through is not depression. Depression lies. You are not alone.
We make money to make our lives easier. Hire a housekeeper. Some people may think that’s frivolous. I think it’s money well spent for the sanity it gives me and the time it saves me.
As for the s*x life with your husband, have you been honest with him about how you’re feeling? I found that it took, honestly, about 15 months after my youngest was born before I ever really wanted to “do” anything. I would do stuff with my husband before that, but just enough to keep him happy and never more than that. It just takes time to get a new routine down and I know that when you’re preoccupied with everything else in life, that just falls off the radar. And for me, I felt like I was getting all the intimacy that I needed from baby snuggles.
Is there any way to have someone watch your daughter while you and your husband either stay at home (and the daughter at someone else’s house) or spend the night in a hotel? Even one night of being close, being a couple, and good sleep can do wonders.
mascot says
Not a diagnosis, but I don’t want you to feel like you are alone. I am that crazy person who pulls aside her pregnant friends and tells them that this can happen and to please watch out for the spiral.
I had postpartum depression and anxiety and recognize so much of myself in your post. I couldn’t concentrate at work, my work product was awful, I was generally not myself, etc. The idea of trying to self-medicate via exercise just seemed like one more overwhelming task that I wasn’t able to get around to. I was having horrible anxiety dreams with mild anxiety attacks during the day. None of this was doing my marriage (first time parents) any favors. But, I was completely fine and engaged with my baby and I thought that all of this was normal parenting learning curve. My husband finally told me point-blank that something was really wrong and begged me to call the doctor. After a couple of sessions with a therapist who specialized in postpartum clients and several month of anti-depressants, the issues resolved and I got my life back. The talk therapy helped me identify what needed to change. An example: my husband is a team player and hands-on parent. But, his asking me what outfit the baby should wear just piled another decision on my plate. What I needed from him was him to own that entire task and not have me oversee it. It was such a little tweak but not one that I could articulate that I needed. The therapist helped me set up strategies to not feel so overwhelmed.
Talk to your doctor and/or get to a therapist that works with these issues to at least get checked out. And don’t feel bad about outsourcing meals, housekeeping, etc. ever, but especially when you are feeling like this.
Pigpen's Mama says
I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread, but I’m making a mental note to ask you later how you addressed this issue:
“An example: my husband is a team player and hands-on parent. But, his asking me what outfit the baby should wear just piled another decision on my plate. What I needed from him was him to own that entire task and not have me oversee it”
with your husband. I’m having similar issues, if I ask husband to do something, he will happily do it, but wants step by step instructions which still requires so much mental energy on my part it’s almost not worth it.
anne-on says
Take a long work trip and make him figure it out? Ha, only half serious here, but I honestly credit a 4-day trip to CA with being pivotal to forcing my husband to step up his parenting game significantly.
anonymama says
Yes, both this and the division of labor. Make him have to figure things out on his own… it may not be the way you would do it, but he will learn that he can do it on his own. It’s really good in that it also gives him confidence and the feeling that he is an equal parent. Take one whole entire day every few weeks just for you, and let them have daddy-bonding time.
Spirograph says
Yup, this is why I insisted that my husband take leave with each kid after I went back to work. I feel like it really helped him take ownership of his role as a parent, and gave him the confidence that he can do everything himself. (and also let him feel what it’s like to spend all day home with an infant, so he understands why I JUST NEED A BREAK sometimes.)
PregLawyer says
Man, this is already an issue in my relationship and I haven’t even had the kid yet. We’ve had so many discussions about how I need him to step up and identify problems or to-do’s and head them off – not just react to things that come his way. It’s gotten better with time, but it’s taken probably 5 years of these discussions to get anywhere. If anyone can tell me how to fix this, I will buy you a nice thing.
CHJ says
In our household, we have a division of labor that is part of the routine. For example, in the mornings, he changes DS and puts him in an outfit while I shower, and then I feed DS breakfast while he showers. Every single morning. After a few days/weeks, I became a pro at sorting out breakfast while he became a pro at getting DS dressed in the morning. I would figure out what works for your routine, and then have each partner 100% in charge of their part of the routine.
Shayla says
We also had this issue. I think I just snapped one day, “If you have to Fing ask me then why bother saying you’re helping at all? I make so many decisions: when to feed her, how much to feed her, is she latching right, should I let her fall asleep nursing, does she need to be swaddled, what her sleep schedule is, whether we should CIO, whether she’s running a fever. When you commit to do something JUST DO IT.” This, thankfully, led to a more constructive conversation with a glass of wine. I suggest not letting it get to the snapping point, but I’m not sure he would have understood the pressure it put on me to have to micromanage every task with the babe.
The other thing I snapped at was bottles. I was spending so much time/energy pumping for my husband to be able to give our daughter a bottle (and have that bonding experience) but he would leave the dirty bottles EVERYWHERE. And never wash them. So after doing everything else, I would go to relax and see the empty bottle on the counter and he’d be sitting there all, “Hey, wanna watch a movie?” He still does this. We frequently had the discussion where I would ask why I even bothered if it was just creating more work for me. Things get better for a week and then revert.
mascot says
In the early days, the hesitation was from lack of confidence/lack of experience. Neither of us knew what we were doing as far as raising a child. But, because I had been home on leave for several months, there was an assumption that I must have some superior knowledge of all things baby. As our child got older and more interactive, my husband’s confidence increased about his ability to handle things and he realized that there are a lot of acceptable solutions to each scenario. We also had lots of conversations about what was working and what wasn’t working. Time, patience, and communication were the fixes.
Meg Murry says
I went something very similar to what you were when my second was born, and 15 months was my almost lowest point. I’d make calls to see someone about depression now, because if you slip any lower making those calls will feel like an impossible hurtle to climb.
In addition to being screened for depression as you had mentioned, also get checked for basic vitamin deficiencies. I was very low on iron and vitamin D, which also made me very low energy.
Any chance you can check into a hotel for a weekend night to get a night off by yourself? At a minimum – screw the laundry, eat takeout all week and nap as much as you can this weekend. Do you have good Friday or Easter Monday off?
Have you recently weaned and have your periods come back? When my periods came back, they came back with a hormonal vengeance, and my PMS lows were on par with when I was a 13 year old. Even if you don’t have a “need” for it as BC right now, I’d talk to the dr about hormonal birth control to help even out the hormones – or if you are on one now, about switching, because even if one worked for you pre-baby it might not be as good right now.
And hugs. You can get through this. Do you have any IRL mom friends you could call and talk to? It’s good your are posting here, but calling up my best friend and crying really helped me feel like I wasn’t alone or crazy, and crying in my mom’s arms when I was feeling overwhelmed helped a little too.
Meg Murry says
ETA- My ppd/post weaning depression took so much out of me I wound up taking FMLA to deal with the fact that if I didn’t I was going to have a nervous breakdown.
I know you are excited for your Disney trip, but if your parents are up for it, consider sending the baby off with them (either to Disney or just down to the hotel pool or for a walk) and give yourself some downtime for a nap and/or hot bath. Don’t make your vacation all about “go go going” because you’ll come back even more exhausted – and baby won’t remember for one minute whether you took her to Disneyland or just outside the hotel to play on some swings.
PregLawyer says
Major hugs. I’m so sorry. I don’t know if I have great advice, but just know that you are wonderful and you are not doing a bad job. It’s also totally okay to cry if you have to eat boring leftovers. I almost cried about that last night (I received the exact same message from my husband when I asked about dinner plans).
I guess my limited advice would be to start taking things one piece at a time. Get a hotel room for a night with your SO (after getting a babysitter – call in some favors with friends) and get an awesome dinner reservation. Having that relaxing time together may rekindle the intimacy and get you both on the same page with how to deal with the other changes it sounds like you need to make at home.
CHJ says
So much sympathy! DS didn’t sleep through the night until he was 16 months old, and I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me until I was able to sleep again. I didn’t bounce back after just one night of good sleep, either. It took more like 4-6 weeks of sleeping properly before I felt better.
And like others have said, outsource everything! Hire a cleaning person. Ask your friends, your friends’ moms, your coworkers… someone will have a cleaning person they like. Angie’s List is also a good source. I outsource like crazy — grocery delivery, gardener, dog walker, Amazon Prime, Task Rabbit. There are so many resources to take chores off your plate, and you should use them with abandon right now to give yourself some breathing room (and some free time!)
Also, the thing about the leftovers resonated with me. My husband feels awful about wasting food, and there are days when I just cannot deal with the cold leftover green beans in the fridge. There will come a time in our lives when we can be good citizens and eat all the leftovers and compost all our scraps. These are not those days. Throw the leftovers out, order a pizza, and don’t look back.
RR says
Lots of internet hugs. It really sounds like depression, and I think you should talk to your doctor. Sleep deprivation probably isn’t helping, but it alone doesn’t cause the feelings you are describing. Talk to someone so you can start feeling better.
TBK says
I am so with you on the stress about bedtime because you don’t know how many times you’ll be up. I also agree with the rest of the posters that it sounds like depression. I don’t know if this is helpful (so ignore it if it’s not) but in my own case I rarely want to get busy with my husband (would so rather sleep/watch TV/get that laundry folded/doesn’t he know the kitchen needs cleaning!), but I know that keeping our marriage healthy is one of the best things I can do for my kids. I was feeling totally overwhelmed recently with a new job, dog being crazy, family visiting for babies’ birthday, work, etc. and felt guilty and stressed about everything I wasn’t doing. But I realized that on the important things, I’m good: (1)I keep my kids well-fed and healthy; (2) I earn money for the family; and (3) I spend time on my marriage. If this makes you more stressed/guilty, ignore it. But this realization let me choose time with my husband over laundry/dishes/work email without feeling guilty for “slacking.” We often have grown-up nap on Saturdays while the babies are napping. Sometimes it’s “napping” and sometimes it honestly is just napping. But I used to feel guilty about it, that I was “wasting” good baby nap time, but now I realize that it’s really, really important to me, to my husband, and to my children that I get time to rest and to connect with my husband.
rakma says
Seconding the commiseration, and the suggestion to have a chat with your doctor. Whatever the outcome is, you’ve at least taken a step to address it.
If you can take a day off, with your usual day care arrangements, it may be helpful. I’m actually doing this next week, and while I hope to accomplish something on the never ending to-do list, I’ve also planned a lunch with a friend and a haircut. I’m trying to remember that I’m a better wife/mom/coworker when I’m being kind to myself.
anonymama says
Talk to your doctor! Also, take a nap. Either take an afternoon off work and just sleep, or take a weekend morning or afternoon to sleep, or go to bed right after you put baby to bed. Getting more sleep really really will help with everything else.
Nonny says
Thank you all for your help. You may be internet strangers, but you are internet strangers that I have known for years and your words really make a difference. Your comments about the leftovers cracked me up because I really just meant it as an illustration of my disproportionate responses to things lately, but nonetheless I really didn’t want to deal with the leftovers anyway. :-)
Today I: (a) am calling the doctor to schedule an appointment, (b) had lunch with my best friend and talked with her about it, (c) will talk to SO in more detail about how I am feeling tonight, and (d) am ordering pizza for dinner.
Spirograph says
I’m late to this thread today, but I just wanted to send more virtual hugs your way. It sounds like you’ve already made some steps in the right direction, and I hope things get better soon! Eat cold pizza for breakfast tomorrow — you can’t have a bad day when you start off with leftover pizza. :)
TwinMOM says
Not sure if you are still reading this, but I would ask your doctor about getting your thyroid checked. Mine went all wonky after delivery, took months to figure out what the issue was and now, 20 months (and a year of adjusting medication dosages) later I’m finally feeling back to myself. I thought I had PPD, or at least PP anxiety or an extremely hard time adjusting to motherhood, but it turned out that a lot of it was hormonal. Good luck!
PregLawyer says
Rant:
I use a pregnancy app that has community message boards. I look at the message boards fairly regularly, especially my June 2015 board (when I’m due). Today there was a post about a woman whose boss canceled a sales trip trip she was scheduled to take in 2 weeks. She found out through the male coworker who was told to take her spot. The coworker told her the (male) boss didn’t want her traveling by plane anymore because she was pregnant. The boss also made a comment that he didn’t like that she would be away from her family on top of being pregnant (the male coworker also had a family that he would be leaving, but apparently that was okay). Her OB had cleared her for flying (this was a 60-minute flight) for another 6 weeks.
The general response in the app community was that her boss was being very thoughtful and cared a lot more than other bosses. This attitude makes me INSANE! I get so sad when women aren’t advocating for themselves, or when they see something like this and think it’s appropriate.
KJ says
Ugh, that is maddening.
PregAnon says
That is so frustrating. I’m seeing a lot of this on said community message boards (I’m September 2015) and I’ve had to stop looking at them at all. Lots of hate for c-sections and moms who are going back to work after 3-4 months. Sorry, ladies, I would like to have a baby AND keep the career I’ve worked 10 years to create…
KJ says
*eyeroll* I would have loved to stay home for a whole 3-4 months! Phooey on these message board weirdos.
Stephanie says
Talk to your doctor. But also – have you talked to SO? SO should be helping with cleaning around the house (or helping to hire someone to clean the house).