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Here’s a fun question, ladies: Did you and your partner have trouble deciding on baby’s last name? If you took your partner’s name, was it with future kids in mind? If you and your partner have different names, what last name does your child have? (If you have multiple children, do they all have the same surname?)
Today you’ll hear from four moms on how they decided on baby’s last name: your regular CorporetteMoms writers (Kat, Kate, and April) — as well as one of Kat’s best friends, N, who really wanted her kids to have her last name.
To give our discussion some context, here are a few interesting stats from various studies and surveys over the last 10–15 years:
- Only 6% of married women born in the U.S. have “nonconventional surnames” — meaning they kept their name, hyphenated, or use two last names. However, about 20% of recently-married women have kept their surnames.
- Only 3% of married men take their wife’s name.
- Only 4% of children are given their mother’s name.
- 72% of U.S. adults think that a woman should take her husband’s name when she gets married — and many think it should be the law (!).
Here are four moms’ stories about deciding on baby’s last name…
Kat – Took Her Husband’s Name at Marriage
I never liked my maiden name (Vogele) and used to joke that my goal was to marry into the middle of the alphabet. Still, when I got married, I wasn’t ready to jettison it entirely. I was quite happy to ditch my middle name (Marie) and become “Katherine Vogele Griffin” professionally, and I fully intended to keep using all three names. Then when it came time to come out of the anonymous blogging closet, a friend suggested I just go by “Kat Griffin” — Kat had been my nickname for years among close friends, and Griffin was easy to remember, and the whole thing was much shorter and crisper than Katherine Vogele Griffin. It was kind of useful having an alter ego associated with the blog; Kat Griffin was much peppier, nicer, and politic than Katherine Vogele Griffin was.
These days, (and this is probably not a peppy/nice/politic answer) on the motherhood line of things, I feel like motherhood has changed me so profoundly in my outlook and persona, that the name change is irrelevant — I haven’t felt like or actually been Katherine Vogele in a long, long time — and now the changed name is the dividing line between girlhood and womanhood, I guess. I really like being able to tell the kids we’re Team Griffin, and I wouldn’t have wanted to have a different last name from my kids both for that reason primarily, as well as just for logistics purposes.
{related: here’s why Kat swears every family needs a family email address}
Kate – Kept Her Last Name; Her Son Has Her Husband’s Last Name
“Antoniades” is a pretty long name, and even the Americanized pronunciation is difficult for most people, while my husband’s last name has neither of those issues. To me, though, my reasoning for keeping my name was very simple: It’s MY name, so I’m not going to change it. My husband didn’t try to convince me otherwise, so … case closed. We got married only two years after I graduated from college, so I hadn’t published a huge amount of writing at that point, but I’m still glad all of my work has the same byline. I also like that my name still reflects my ancestry, which is Greek and Greek Cypriot.
Several years later, when our son was born, we gave him my husband’s name as his surname and my name as his middle name. We didn’t consider hyphenating (too long!), and it didn’t — and still doesn’t — bother me that our last names don’t match. There’s simply no perfect solution, unfortunately — except maybe creating a new family name (an idea I like, but one we didn’t consider for ourselves). When we got married, I didn’t want kids, but my decision would have been the same either way.
April – Took Her Husband’s Name at Marriage
I didn’t really struggle with the decision to change my name, and it ended up being more logistically annoying than any major shift in my identity. The major reason I ended up doing it was that it was important to my husband for us and our future family to have the same name. My husband lets me take the lead on so many things that when he expresses an opinion I know it is something that is important to him. I also happened to luckily be started a new job (and my first true position practicing law) shortly after I got married, so I was able to start completely fresh with my married name.
On a more personal level, I am an interracial adoptee, so I never “looked like” my last name and I always felt like my name, my face, and my identity had a backstory/long-winded explanation. Even though I didn’t resemble my parents, our last name tied us together. This was something that I have come to appreciate in having my own little family. We are our own fresh little unit of three.
N. (one of Kat’s BFFs) – Kept Her Name; Hyphenated Her Kids’ Names
Very early in our dating life, my husband and I exchanged our deal-breakers list. I had only one: I wanted my children to have my last name — that being the last name I was assigned at birth and planned on keeping no matter my marital status. At the time, my husband didn’t flinch at it, and I took his lack of a reaction to mean that he was at least mostly okay with the idea. Thus, the deal wasn’t broken and we continued happily dating, falling more in love and eventually getting engaged and then married. We were both 35 on our wedding day, so we set about the business of having children right away. To our great fortune, that happened pretty quickly.
Though we were thrilled to discover shortly after our honeymoon that I was pregnant, the impending baby resurrected my deal-breaker. Faced with the reality of naming an actual baby, my husband’s true feelings surfaced. He wanted our child (along with any future children) to have his last name. At this point, the conflict was not a literal deal-breaker. We had no choice but to work it out. However, it did place a significant strain on our very young marriage. From an emotional perspective, it was important to both of us to share that part of our identity with our children. From a logical standpoint, I felt that in an age of equality among men and women, it made no sense that the default would be that children take their father’s last name. He argued that it would create confusion to go against the norm. In an attempt to compromise, we debated either hyphenating our last names, creating a mashup or alternating last names since we were planning on having multiple children.
The topic created so much tension in our relationship that we avoided it and still hadn’t resolved it when I went into labor. It wasn’t until the morning that our daughter was born that we finally settled the issue. We chose to hyphenate (my husband opting to have his name first in the order in the hope that someday our daughter will find her 15-character last name so onerous that she’ll drop mine from it … eyeroll). We now have three children — two girls and a boy, ages seven, five and three — and they all share the same hyphenated last name. Though I don’t share that name with them, I am happy to be fully represented. And when, on occasion, they have noticed that our arrangement is different from other families, we explain the reasoning behind our decision, and they feel no less connected to us for having a different last name.
Readers, what are your thoughts? Did you have trouble deciding on baby’s last name? Was your decision an easy one or … not so much? If you didn’t change your name at marriage, whose last name do your kids have? If you created a brand-new family name for you, your spouse, and your kid(s) to share, how did you choose it? Have issues about last names caused any conflict between you and your spouse or among your or your spouse’s family members?
Stock photo via Stencil.
Another Midwest mom says
If I’m being really, really honest, I have some regrets about taking my husband’s name. One of the reasons I did was the kid-naming issue. Hyphenating would’ve resulted in a 17-character last name, which seemed ridiculous. I also wasn’t OK with having a different name than husband + kids, if they too his name — that seemed unfair, somehow. So I changed my name for practical purposes — we’d all share the same name, therefore it would be easier on everyone. But even after 15 years of being happily married, I still miss my maiden name. :(
RR says
I feel the same after 20 years of marriage. I hyphenated my name when we first got married, but it was a 15 character last name, and it was a pain to constantly explain how to spell it. So I caved and dropped to just my husband’s last name, and I wish I hadn’t. I was young when we got married, and I would not make the same choice today. I wouldn’t have any issue not having the same last name as everyone else. I don’t think that’s a big deal in modern families.
Anon says
I also have regrets about changing my name. My maiden name is a hard to say, hard to spell, ethnic (in the US) name and I was ready to get rid of it and also wanted to share a name with my future kids. My husband’s last name is something like Jones – very common and something no one would ever misspell. I really miss my old, unique name. My kids are Joneses but I know feel that I would be ok having a different name. I’m actually thinking seriously about going back.
Anon says
I now feel*
Another Midwest mom says
Does your DH know that you regret changing your name? I haven’t brought it up. I think he’d be genuinely surprised and probably hurt.
RR says
Not Anon at 2:37, but my husband knows that I regret it. I don’t think I’d go back at this point though after 20 years and an entire legal career.
Anon says
Yes, he knows and is supportive of whatever I want to do. I’ve emphasized that it has nothing to do with him or our marriage, just that I had no idea how much I would miss my maiden name. Like I said, his name is suuuuper common so I don’t think he feels that much connection to it, and thus doesn’t take my feelings about it as personally as someone with a unique name might.
Spirograph says
I was just thinking about this the other day when I noticed via the daycare’s directory that single-last-name families are a definite minority, and realized I probably wouldn’t change my name if I were deciding today. Part of it is that I’m 10 years further along in my career and name recognition is more important to me, but mostly I’ve just learned that it’s not necessary. Where I grew up, everyone changed their names; families where kids had a different name than their parents meant that there was a divorce + remarriage. It was important to my husband that I take his name (I think his feelings on this have also evolved since we were 25), and we had very very few examples of married couples with different last names. I don’t regret changing my name, but I regret that I didn’t seriously consider any alternatives.
Katie* says
I am due at the end of the year with our daughter, and did not take my husband’s name at marriage. Our daughter will have my last name. My husband has never been wild about his last name (number of letters, rough translation from German, gets mispronounced, etc) and really didn’t want me to take his name when we got married. For similar reasons he didn’t feel like he wanted to pass it on to his kid either. I didn’t fight it!
Anon says
My BFF did this. I think it’s awesome.
Anon says
This is my exact situation. Our two children have my last name.
lawsuited says
Me too! I’m also due with a baby girl at the end of the year and she will also have my last name! I already have a baby boy who has my husband’s last name. It feels very fair to me.
Anom says
My last name is the name of WW 2 concentration camp survivors. My husband’s last name is very much not (think of a US name as generic as Smith). I honor all of my Jewish grandparents by keeping my last name. But also, it’s MY name. But I’m a-ok with my DDs having their father’s name. They are still mine. And they both have my last name as a second middle name on their birth certificates and passports to alleviate issues with bureacracies. DH wasn’t thrilled with my choice to keep my name (and I didn’t really give him a reason bc it’s just not necessary to justify in this day and age), but he has accepted it. It’s such a non-issue. Just does not come up in our every day life.
Lisa says
Someone pointed out on another name discussion I was in recently that, if Mountbatten-Windsor isn’t too long to hyphenate, then almost every other last name combo can be accommodated. It made me feel better about the 11 letter, hyphenated last name my husband and I are going to give our first child in a couple of months.
The name discussion was difficult for both of us, but it was important to me that we both be equally represented in our child’s name. We briefly discussed using a completely different, dead surname from one of our family’s trees but ended up being too emotionally attached to our own names to give them up entirely.
Anonymous says
DH didn’t care if I took his name (or rather, secretly he probably DID care, but he knew I felt stronger about it). I don’t even like my last name but 1) it’s MINE, 2) it shows my ethnicity (which is different from DH’s).
But on the night before our wedding his father threw a FIT – shouting at me that I NEEDED to take HIS name. DH is the only boy on his side so this name would “die out.” Now, I actually like DH’s last name but even if I had been on the fence, someone else’s father telling me what *I* should be called would make me do the opposite. (I am super mature like that). Anyway, I kept my name and in-laws ignore that and address everything to “Mr & Mrs hislastname” (even though I am DR not Mrs). And now that we have kids its “The Hislastname Family”, which I mind slightly less than the grammatically wrong apostrophied “The Hislastname’s Family”.
ANYWAY. For the kids. We went with hyphenated last names. His first, mine second. His starts with a more unusual letter and it is also the way it is done in my home country so I was ok with it. And now that the kids are in school they are often dropping my last name out of laziness but officially they still have my name, and that is important to me.
anon says
I had a similar situation with the in-laws. I did not change my name when I got married. Our first kid (a girl) got my husband’s last name. Our second kid (a boy) got my last name. His parents were FURIOUS. Said that their name would “die out,” said that my husband wasn’t respecting his family.
This had the exact effect on my husband that your FIL’s tirade had on you — it made him dig in MUCH more to giving our son my name. It was a really awful period, to be honest — we basically didn’t speak to my husband’s parents for the first few months of my son’s life. I cried almost every day about it, because I adore them and I hated the fact that I had hurt them — but I also felt very strongly that I wanted to give one of my children my name.
He’s now 10 months old and they have mostly come around — or at least, they don’t bring it up any more and neither do we. It definitely changed our relationship with them, though (I had been pretty close with my MIL beforehand and now we talk much less).
Anonymous says
I actually don’t think it’s difficult or uncommon to have different last names – I just keep track in my Christmas list which couples we know did what with their names in case I forget.
I took my husband’s so that I could have a unique last name (my maiden name, first + last combo, is the name of about 100 million Irish descendants).
My SIL had a long hyphenated last name (her parents both hyphenated when they got married) and she ended up dropping both because our shared married name is easier!
I don’t think my husband would have cared either way, I’m not sure we talked about it. I was in academia at the time and was excited to not get confused for some other person with the same name (there were two of us at the university I was at!).
Anonymous says
I kept my name and we recently had a daughter. We chose to give our daughter my husband’s last name as a middle name and mine as her last name. Our plan is that she can use all three names if she chooses. My husband’s name is identifiable as a south asian, so I like that she has that part of her heritage in her name.
Anon says
I have always felt strongly that my children would have my last name. I birth them (or adopt them), I get to name them after me. It seems only fair.
My husband is the only child of the last male with his last name, so if he didn’t pass on the name, it would die out. (Although we’ve since found some distant relative on the other side of the world.) He very strongly did not want that to happen, and wanted to give his kids his last name.
Conflict ensued.
I agonized over the decision, but eventually decided to take his name. But I would change it only once in my life – this wasn’t me taking HIS name, this was me changing my name. So hypothetically – I change my last name to his. We divorce or he dies or whatever. I have kids that aren’t his. And those kids would have MY last name, the same as his family, but without blood ties to that family. I needed him to be okay with that scenario, to see it as truly becoming MY NAME and not just an extension of his, before I could agree to changing my name.
It took a while for him to understand, and for him to agree. But it set the tone for many values that we are now sharing with our kids and I’m happy we took the time to really think it through. I get that from the outside, it looks like a traditional setup. But it’s truly my name, it’s not on loan from him only as long as we stay married. My kids know the reasoning behind it, and both girls insist they’ll do what I did and make their children have their last name so it doesn’t die out again. Who knows what they’ll choose.
lawsuited says
I was in the same situation as you. I only have sisters and female cousins, so my family name was going to “die out” if we all changed our names to our husbands’ names and gave our children our husbands’ names. My husband is an only child so his family name was going was also going to “die out” if he didn’t give his children his name. So, I felt strongly that I wanted my children to have my last name, and so did he. We were at an impasse for a long time, and ultimately decided that any female children would have my last name and any male children would have my husband’s last name. There was no fair or right solution so it was easiest to let fate decide. As it turns out, we have a little boy and will soon have a little girl, so both our last names will continue for at least one more generation until our kids figure out what they heck they’re going to do.
Ann says
I have been married for 7 years and our oldest child is 4. I kept my last name and my kids have my husband’s. I kept mine, because I was attached to it and it’s unusual but just 4 letters, 1 syllable and impossible to misspell or mispronounce. My husband’s name is unusual, 6 letters, 3 syllables and I constantly have to spell it for people. We gave our kids his last name just because it is more conventional. We didn’t consider hyphenating the names. It meant enough to me that I chose my children’s first names, which I’m sure they will use their whole lives regardless of marital status. Everyone who needs to know knows I’m their mother and I’m never offended if people call me Mrs. [husband’s last name].
I had a friend switch her and her children’s names from the hyphenated names to just her husband’s, because it was too long for forms. They couldn’t check in for flights online because the names on the ticket never matched the ID’s because the ID names were too long.
GCA says
I didn’t change my name on marriage, and my reasoning was: after all, it’s been my name all my life, and also the name I am known by professionally. But at the same time, it’s also somewhat arbitrarily handed down from my father. While I personally think my dad is the bee’s knees, I didn’t have any strong feelings about my children taking on my last name or not. We decided to have my heritage and culture reflected in their middle names, plus other family background that is important to me (my daughter has my grandmother’s English name). They have my husband’s last name.
As it turns out, my last name (an unusual but not rare Chinese name) is actually more common in the US than my husband’s (an apparently rather rare Italian name)! So we have the uniqueness factor covered, too, which I like.
Pickle says
I did not change my name, but had no problem giving kids DH’s last name only, as they would not be giving up any part of their identity. I also did not convert to DH’s religion but am happily raising my kids in his faith.
DH and I agreed to the plan while still dating.
Anonymous says
I took my husband’s last name because I did not like my maiden name and I really, really did not like the person who gave it to me. For me, taking my married name was empowering. It represented an affirmative break with my previous life and was the first step in establishing my new identity as an independent adult person free from the baggage of my childhood. I don’t think of it as my husband’s name, I think of it as my name.
If I hadn’t had such strong feelings about my maiden name I probably would have wanted to use it as a middle name and would also have insisted on giving it as a middle name to each of our children.
AnotherAnon says
I feel basically the same as Anon@2:47. I don’t hate my parents, but getting married was a very strong and clear break from my family, so I was happy to take my husband’s name, even though logistically it was a lot of work and it’s difficult to spell/pronounce (even though it’s literally two English words put together). We adopted, so I probably feel more strongly ten years in than I did when we were first married: our little family of three is a unit, and to me our name signifies that unity. I suppose it would be the same if we had all chosen a new last name (as a friend of mine did when her daughter was born). I also don’t care at all if my kid(s) change their names when they grow up. I guess what I don’t get about women keeping their maiden name is…I never felt like a [maiden name], I was just born into it. I chose to be a [married name]. That’s why I changed my name. To each her own though.
Anon says
I took about 6 months to decide what I wanted to do post-marriage (and a few months pre-marriage). I had post-it notes with all the possible iterations on them on my computer screen that I looked at daily. Eventually I went with (legally) First Middle (former Middle) Middle (Maiden Name) Last (Husband). Professionally and on social media I go by First Maiden Last, but I’m really happy I could keep all of my names and that they are exactly the character length that they all fit on my SS card and my passport – so I don’t have the ticketing issue of which ID matches which names, and I have the simplicity of one last name. Considerations for me included us appearing on paper as a family unit, emergency situations where I wanted the same last name of my child when they call for Mrs. Child Last Name, the fact that all of my degrees and first few years of practice as a lawyer are in my maiden name, and tradition (for me, a positive) and ultimately what just felt right. My husband has a hyphenated first name and was very anti-hyphenation of any kind based on his experience with that (it’s never right anywhere). Of my recently married friends, they are First Middle (Maiden) Husband, First Middle (Middle) Husband, and no change. We have a very non-traditional setup in that my husband is a SAHD in an area where where is not the norm (is it the norm anywhere?), so having a (mostly) traditional approach on names certainly has not manifested any other traditional approaches in our marriage.
-lf not -lp says
Had the choice between a name that people cannot pronounce and a name that people always misspell. I went with the former because it also is part of my ethnic and personal identity.
EPCC says
I changed my last name to husband’s last name. I kept my original First Middle. I figured my middle name was passed down (it’s my mom’s middle name too) and I didn’t really care for the First Maiden Married construct (husband and I both have last names that are kind of a mouthful). For the same reason (mouthful) I decided against a hyphen. After changing my last name, I regretted it and wished I’d just kept my maiden name. Hubby didn’t care either way and it was a big pain. Now, though, it is a lot easier as people seem to take for granted that same last name = family. For example, my MIL never has an issue picking the kids up but my mom regularly has to do some extra validation because she has a different last name. So overall I don’t have a strong opinion. I personally don’t think of it as a big statement. However, one thing I DO hate is being addressed as Mrs. HusbandFirst HusbandLast.
F says
I did not change my name. Our two girls have my husband’s last name and my last name is their middle name. (My name is much cooler, so I secretly hope they will drop his and use mine as their future stage name/nom de plume.) In my daily life – school and community activities, wedding invitations – I let people call me my husband’s last name and don’t correct them. The girls know that I use the family name at home and my maiden name is my “work name.” Everyone is cool with this, mostly. My husband still wishes I changed my name legally to his, but eh, I like my name and I don’t see any reason why I should.
Anonymous says
I did not take my husband’s name when we got married. And we gave our kid a mashup of our last names. I would have been fine with a hyphenation too, but our preference was for a mashup. DH and I are both happy with it (my inlaws are less happy, but I don’t care). I think our friends think it’s weird. I sometimes have conflicted feelings about it because I have fleeting moments where I would like to share a name with my kid. That said, DH and I both feel that we are Team Mashup, and we refer to ourselves collectively as Team Mashup, so it’s not that big of a deal from an emotional standpoint. I haven’t yet figured out how to tell our kid, but we have time.
Anon says
We also did this. We refer to ourselves as the Mashup family, but each kept our own original name. I did not remotely consider changing my name, nor did my husband expect me to. We are lucky that our names lend themselves to mashing up, I think for some couples it would be hard to come up with a graceful option.
I have zero feels about not sharing a name with my kid, though. I like that our names tell the story of our family – you can see a bit of each parent in the kid’s name, but we’re also each our own person.
Anon says
If I could do it again, I’d do this. Our names did not mashup well. (Think like… Garter and Farge.) And it wasn’t very common back then, so we didn’t pursue it as a serious option.
But still, I wish we would have tried hard to make it work. I love the beauty of each parent with their own name and the kids with a mashed version of the two.
Lyssa says
When I first got married, I didn’t change names. I liked my unusual last name, and something about the idea of having the same name as my MIL definitely bugged me, so I just put it off. My husband never expressed any concerns about it; it was a non-issue. 8 years later, we were starting to actually think about kids (married young!), and I was getting ready to graduate law school, so I figured if I wanted to do it, I should really get it done before that, so I just did it and surprised him.
Ultimately, I don’t think that this issue matters too much, but for me, having the same family name was more important, and hyphenating was a non-starter (we both had very ethnic, but not complementary, names). I guess it’s fine to live with just having different names in the family, but this always seems unappealing to me. Changing my name didn’t change my identity or anything like that – I think that people far overthink that issue.
Anonymous says
Didn’t change my name when I got married. Our first baby is due any day now. If it’s a girl, its last name will be MY LAST NAME-HUSBAND’s LAST NAME. If it’s a boy, it’ll be reversed so husband’s last name goes first.
It’s really disappointing to me how many women in my generation are so quick to change their name or give their children their husband’s name only without a second thought, or who jump through so many mental hoops to justify why they did it.
Anon says
“It’s really disappointing to me how many women in my generation are so quick to change their name or give their children their husband’s name only without a second thought, or who jump through so many mental hoops to justify why they did it.”
Why do we have to judge people like this? Some people want to change their name, some don’t. Why can’t people just do what they want? A lot of people I know who changed their name weren’t that attached to their maiden names, so what’s the big deal about taking DH’s name and having one common family name if that’s what they want?
Anonymous says
But is “DH” even considering changing HIS name and giving the children their mother’s name? Clearly not (based on the stats posted by Kat above). Therein lies the problem.
Anon says
In some cases, yes? Several women in this thread said they gave their kids their name. And most women just have their father’s name at birth, so it’s not like a maiden name is patriarchy-free. You do you, but it’s nasty to judge other women when you don’t know everything about what went into their decision. In my case my father was abusive and I was eager to get rid of his name. DH is close to his family and likes his name, there was no logical reason for him to change it. Most people don’t know these details, I simply say that I changed it because I wanted our family to have one name. No one who isn’t a BFF needs to know the back story.
Anonymous says
Because people aren’t just doing what they want in a vacuum and it’s silly and naive to pretend this is avaluea neutral thing.
Anon says
I agree with this.
Lyssa says
I’m disappointed by people who think that they know better then me about how I should live my life.
This is very much one of the least important issues in the world.
Anonymous says
I disagree that it’s not an important issue. It’s an everyday reminder that the patriarchy is alive and well.
Spirograph says
I posted above before I’d read the whole thread, and I feel similarly. I’m not sure quite how to articulate it, but here’s a shot:
I’m all for every woman making her own choice. If a she considers and decides to take her husbands name or change her name to match her husband’s the way someone described above, that’s great. But if she (like 25-year-old-me) does it because of patriarchal norms and might later come to regret it because — for lack of a better way of describing this — it reminds her that the patriarchy was alive and well in that time and place, that is a little sad. I don’t think it’s possible to know whether someone thought about it before hand or rationalized after the fact without a pretty specific conversation, so I wouldn’t default to feeling sad for anyone with her husband’s last name.
Anonymous says
I mean, you’re a country bumpkin who has always been hostile to feminism so I don’t care what you think. I think equality matters and names matter and throwing in “omg starving children in Africa” is a signyou have nothing intelligent to contribute Lyssa.
Anon says
This comment is awful. I’m an incredibly liberal “coastal elite” (raised in Connecticut, went to fancy private schools in Boston and currently live in SF Bay Area) and I changed my name when I got married. A pretty sizeable number (not half, but close – maybe 1/3?) of my friends did too, and they’re doctors, lawyers, PhD scientists and businesswomen. Making this personal choice that literally affects no one except the person making it is in no way anti-feminist, and comments like this give liberal and feminists a bad name. And I say that as someone whose baby has a “tiny feminist” onesie…
And Lyssa, I value your contributions! Please don’t stop posting because of this person.
Lyssa says
What in the world? I hope that you don’t expect to be taken seriously on anything, ever, after that response.
anon says
Lyssa, please ignore this @sshole.
Anonymous says
Say it with me now: “good for them, not for me”.
The whole point of being a free woman is that every woman gets to choose for herself, and engage in a discussion with her co-parent to choose for their children. Supplanting your opinion for her husband/father/etc’s opinion is not freedom, and I don’t think you get to dismiss any woman’s thoughtful consideration of the topic as “jumping through mental hoops”.
And in case it’s material to you, I kept my last name and gave my child my last name as well.
Anonymous says
…. ok? But I can still be disappointed in other women’s decisions… I’m not supplanting my opinion for anything. I’m just having an opinion. I firmly believe (based on the stats above) that most women are not making this choice free of patriarchal norms. Otherwise, many more men would be changing their names or children would be getting hyphenated last names (or their mothers’ names).
Anonymous says
Nah that’s not what my feminism is. Lots of women make terrible decisions that just support the patriarchy.
anon says
yup +1.
Kat' says
+1 thank u Amy Pohler!
anon says
fwiw I agree with this completely. It’s astounding what mental hoops people will jump through to justify their decision to continue a blatantly patriarchal tradition that is fundamentally about ownership of women.
CC says
+1
Anonymous says
I love this topic. I just had a fascinating conversation with one of my friends in which we discussed how almost everyone we knew did take their husband’s last name and we couldn’t account for the high number who went in that direction. I kept my last name and knew that I would since I was a kid. Our two kids have a hyphenated last name. And I love it. I tell them they are the only people on earth with this specific name combination. Feminism is all about choice and I wont judge people for their personal decisions. My main issue with the large percentage of women who do change their names is the process — mainly that it is one sided. The conversation or assumption is that the wife will take the husband’s last name — but to be truly egalitarian shouldn’t the conversation also cover the option of the husband taking the wife’s last name? This is what bothers me – that we generally do not have that conversation. When people asked me whether I would change my name, my response was that my husband decided to keep his name. No one ever asked him any questions about his last name. The same sex couples that I know generally hyphenated their last names and it didn’t appear to be an issue (but this is anecdotal at best – i’d love to look into broader data on this).
Anonymous says
I love this question. This is an individual choice and each person should do what works best for them. But, we cannot ignore the patriarchal overtones – namely that in the vast majority of cases there is no discussion of the husband changing his last name. Its primarily only considered by the female spouse – and it is worth evaluating why that is. That is what bugs me about it – that it is a one way street. I’d also be curious about statistics regarding how same sex couples handled this matter. I knew from a very young age that I would be keeping my name – and that was my choice. Kids are both hyphenated.
Anonymous says
I have 4 names myself, and kept them all: First Family-middle Maternal-surname Paternal-surname. Both my last names are ethnic (different flavors!). I have used only Paternal-surname for most of my life for ostly bureaucratic reasons, but both are important to me. My mom kept her name and would’ve killede if I changed mine,which it didn’t occur to me to do. Spouse has a much easier to pronounce last name. Since you have to pick some kind of last name for the kids,we ended up using his last name as the surname with two middles, Maternal-surname Paternal-surname. So even if the just use their last name most of the time, my family is well represented!! Our kids have such huge mouthfuls of name that it’s a little crazy, but I love it.
Hi we both changed our middle/last names! says
Chiming in late – it was (is) important to me and my husband to have the same last name, symbolizing creating our own family unit. We seriously considered whose name to take and went back and forth for a while. Ultimately we chose his, for professional/resume reasons, as I was just graduating law school and he had had bylines for a while.
So we *both* changed our middle names to my maiden name and his last name. Doing paperwork together made it more special at first… and then it was at least a pain for both of us together! Now two kids also have my maiden as their middle name with his original last name. So — all four of us are the “Maiden HisLast” family. It’s just right for us.
Anonymous says
So you took your husband’s last name. Congrats on the congratulatory mental gymnastics though.
Poster above says
What is your problem?!
Anonymous says
We would have done this, but our last names were way too similar (think: Jansen and Hansen). No way were we going to be Betty Jansen Hansen and Bob Jansen Hansen or Mr and Mrs Jansen-Hansen. Frankly they were close enough that me keeping mine was confusing. Betty Jansen and Bob Hansen makes everyone think there’s a typo.
We went with his because I have 2 brothers and he’s an only child and I thought I’d be cool to continue his family’s last name. I would have asked for a coin toss if I were also an only but honestly I didn’t care
Blending says
So I’ll share since we went thru some blending. We werent married or sure we’d be together long when daughter #1 was born, so sh got my last name by default, almost. Now we’re married. My husband has 2 kids from 1st marriage that have his last name (ex-wife never took his last name fwiw.) When we got married I wanted all the kids to have same last name so changed our daughters to his, and mine to his w/ my maiden becoming middle. Now our daughter #2 is his lat name too.
Only conflict was the change for #1 – she was old enough to have learned my last name a hers so we had to discuss – now that mommy and daddy are getting married we’re all going to have the same last name! It was a little weird but she’s adapted.
If anyone is curious about the process of changing minor’s name, I can share. It was a PIA but it could have been worse, I suppose, if we lived in a different county/state.
Legally Brunette says
I’m really happy that I kept my maiden name (10 letters). It’s lyrical and beautiful. My kids have my husband’s last name (which is much more common than mine and not as pretty, in my opinion :)) and I’m fine with that. Not a single person gave me any grief about keeping my maiden name, but it’s also not the norm in Indian culture to adopt your husband’s last name.
Anon says
I grew up with a mother who never changed her name. Even at dad’s funeral, she tearfully said, “[Maiden name] loved [Husband’s name].” She didn’t mind being called Mrs. ____ informally.
Pros of a family w/ 3 different last names(kids are hyphenated):
1. extra freebies in the mail
2. sometimes solicitors call, and assume one of the last names is a first name, so it’s clearly someone who does not know us
3. the kids still use a short version informally to save time
4. fortunately, growing up in California, more people were familiar with the concept of 2 last names
Cons:
1. our hyphenated names are distinct
2. never knowing how our names were entered into a list. lucky for us, the first letter of each last name is adjacent to the other in the alphabet. otherwise, a person might have to wait in another line when there are multiple lines based on the first letter of your last name.
3. sadly, some people seem to be unaware of what a hyphen is. some people don’t seem to understand the concept of 2 last names, which led to an erroneous state ID and extra screening at the airport before replacing it.
4. signing multiple forms at one sitting can be tedious.
5. feeling closer to our mom’s side of the family because they are warmer and we share the same name
CC says
PLEASE read up on the roots of the sexist, inhumane tradition of a woman taking her husband’s name upon marriage. In brief, a woman was not seen as a person independent of a man (her father or her husband) and had no rights — as though she were property, not a person. Of course, it is every woman’s choice, but why choose to perpetuate, even symbolically, a very dark era of human history? Here’s one take: https://seattlebridemag.com/expert-wedding-advice/history-behind-maiden-vs-married-names For the rally, I kept my name and hyphenated my child’s. Husband 100% supportive.
Loren Hadzimuratovic says
My mom and my dad legally changed their names to be hyphenated before I was born, so I was born to Mr. and Mrs. Smith-Jones (example, not real names). They promptly got divorced a few years later and legally changed their names back to their own original names Joe Smith and Jane Jones, leaving me to be the only one with said “family name” as their only child. It sucked and frankly, didn’t feel like a “my name” situation, and more of a thing about my parents and their marriage. So if I got married, I was always going to change my name, mostly because I wanted an actual family name! It woulda been a deal breaker if my husband wasn’t ok with me taking his name, to be completely honest. As luck would have it, my husband has the craziest, longest, hard to pronounce name ever and I really love getting to be a part of this family history. We’re expecting our first child, and they’ll have our family name and be super good at spelling way before their classmates.
Career wise it was never a question, as since I already had a hyphenated name, people made crazy assumptions. Before I was married, many people assumed I already was based on the hyphenated name AND then took it upon themselves to tell me that my husband was secretly not ok with it. I had HR send me my paperwork back because I forgot to include my husband (first job out of college… 21 yrs old… very much not married) and when I once held up my left hand to show I wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, a colleague shook his head and said “and you’re not even wearing a wedding ring, how on earth does your husband feel remotely loved or respected”.
Plenty of women are not ok with my decision, they’ve told me so. But this was a mess to begin with so having my husband’s name has been a wonderful wonderful thing. Meanwhile, my husband comments that it took him a while to adjust because the only women he ever knew that had his last name were his sister and mom and cousins, as in… NOT a woman he’s sexually attracted to :)
Anonymous says
I know I’m super late to this post, but just wanted to share. I have a male first name and didn’t change my last name on getting married.
So I told my husband that any daughters we had would also have a male first name and his last name. So far it’s only the one girl (and her first name is generally unusual — most people don’t think it’s a male name at all) but her first name is related to my name and she shares her dad’s last name. Not sure what we’d do for a boy, but I’m pretty sure I could get a concession on at least the middle name (naming after my dad for example).
Lana Del Raygun says
I planned to change my name, and I started using a lana.jones as my email, but I never got around to filing the paperwork. Then when I got pregnant I decided I should finally get it done, but I realized I didn’t want to anymore. Pregnancy already felt like it was erasing my identity, and I didn’t want to make it worse. Dh and I talked about it for a while and eventually settled on Del Raygun-Jones for our baby, which I thought he would mind because he’s the only son but he ended up really liking it. Now it’s just mildly annoying to have to keep telling people I met via the church listserv that I’m actually still Del Raygun, but whatever.
Midwest lawyer says
My situation appears to be a mash up of several that have been previously explained. My maiden name is very unusual as it was made up generations ago. My dad is the only male in his generation and had two daughters so the unusual last name would die if we both decided to forgo our maiden names at marriage. I met my husband when I was already a lawyer for several years so it made sense for me to continue using my maiden name professional in some way. My maiden name is often misspelled and mispronounced even though it’s a relatively short. My husband’s last name is Smith. My husband is also the only male child and the only male among his cousins. I wanted to do both so I kept my maiden name and added my husband’s name without a hyphen. My dad suggested us after my mom, who uses her maiden name as her middle name, encounters issues with flying because of it. I didn’t want my family name to die out even though my unmarried sister has said she would not change your name if she got married. Our infant son, and any other child we would have, would have Smith as their last name. My combined last name does sometimes cause issues because people in only refer to my married name. We also had an issue when we first got married in that my husband’s employer struggled to get me on his insurance because of the combination name but it was quickly resolved. The health department had to manipulate my son’s birth certificate to make sure both of my last names were mentioned. Personally, I have no issue if people call me Mrs. Smith, Ms. Maidenname Smith or any combination. I live in a small town and practice in the small rural county so I’m not as concerned that people won’t realize my son is indeed mine. Neither of my parents nor my in-laws have mentioned an issue with my last name, but if somebody was going to complain, expect it would be my FIL. My husband had no issue with my combined last name because he knew my profession when we started dating.