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Anonymous says
My child has speech and occupational therapies twice a week from 8:30-10 am; my husband has been taking him because he has been unemployed, but he recently accepted an offer and will start work in a few weeks at a place that offers limited sick days and teleworking options. My job is very flexible, but I’m not sure if it’s flexible enough to accommodate being out of pocket for that time period twice a week. I’m thinking I’ll probably ask my boss about it but with the expectation that it may not be possible, and then in that case we’ll have to either look for a college student to drive him to therapy or maybe reduce therapy to once a week (the therapists are generally booked up, so just moving the time won’t work). Any other thoughts/suggestions? Thank you!
Anonymous says
Look for a retiree rather than a college student.
busybee says
Are you in the US and eligible for FMLA? I think you could use it for this. Intermittent FMLA can be used in hourly increments, from what I understand.
Bette says
This.
This is exactly what intermittent FMLA is meant for.
Anon says
Is there any way for your child to access these therapies through their school? This sounds really unsustainable, even if you are taking intermittent FMLA
Anon says
A lot of kids don’t have these services through school. Options are normally pretty limited for kids who aren’t yet in K, and even then OT frequently isn’t offered. I had to take my kid to both speech and OT in preschool and I know several people who take elementary schoolers to OT and/or private speech because the speech offered by the school is very limited. People aren’t doing this for fun, they’re doing it because it’s necessary and comments like “this sounds really unsustainable” aren’t very helpful.
Anon says
My mistake – I have a few friends who are STs and OTs and they all work full time in schools so I was under the impression that it’s accessible in most schools.
Anonymous says
“Schools” in this context means K-12. It’s pretty rare for preschools or daycares to have STs or OTs.
Anonymous says
It’s usually limited to services that are intended to help kids in an educational setting, so they’re not going to get therapies in school for anything that’s not applicable to school, and given funding constraints, most schools are extremely strict about those limits.
Anon says
+1 – I posted below, but at 2.5-2.75, our EI speech therapist basically told us that kid likely would not qualify for the school services at 3 because his speech delay wasn’t severe enough. Plus, often times even if you qualify for the therapy, you may not qualify for the actual Pre-K class (no UPK), so then you have a 30 minute therapy session at a random time during the week at an elementary school your kid doesn’t attend.
FWIW, I live in a large blue county in a major blue city in a red state where education continues to be super underfunded thanks to the state leadership.
So, yup, this is why many of us who can opt for private therapies.
Anon says
How is your job “very flexible” but unwilling to let you start at 10:15 am twice a week? We don’t advertise our flexibility and we have people who start later than that daily. It seems like this shouldn’t be an issue.
Anon says
Yeah, this. Also couldn’t you work from the appointment? You’d really only be out of pocket while driving.
Anon says
Yeah why can’t you work from the waiting room of the appointment?
Anon says
My job is very flexible (fed with maxi flex – it’s truly so, so flexible) but I wouldn’t be able to start after 10 twice a week workload wise. Our “core hours” for meetings are from 9:30-3:30 and so being out that much during meeting hours would be a no go
Emma says
Yeah my job is generally super flexible but unless I could take meeting during the appointment I don’t think I could swing that twice a week. We have a lot of morning meetings starting at 9.
anon says
Yeah, this wouldn’t fly in my office, either, and there is quite a bit of leeway in higher ed. We still have to be available during core hours. OP, I would look into intermittent FMLA options.
Anonymous says
Except that it’s likely protected by law (fmla or state equivalent).
Anon says
I think she means if you don’t take FMLA it wouldn’t fly.
Anon says
You should be able to use intermittent FMLA. That’s what I did when my child had weekly speech therapy.
Anonymous says
Is it an at home therapist? Could you WFH for part of that time?
Anon says
Ugh, sorry. Been there. It’s hard.
My preferences would be in order:
1) work from the appointments, assuming being out of pocket for the commute time afterwards is ok with your boss
2) use FMLA leave
3) Hire someone 25+ to drive my kid. I’m not super comfortable with college kids driving my kid, because statistically they’re not very good drivers.
Anonymous says
Thanks all! Yeah, I think my best option is just working from the appointments and only being unavailable during the 10-10:30 driving time. And if there’s still a problem I can bring up intermittent FMLA for that time period. Kid is currently in private pre-K, and we’re hoping that with a year of these therapies, he won’t need as much next year and/or what he needs will be provided by our public elementary.
Anonymous says
Is your kiddo in daycare? In my area there are OTs that will travel to your daycare, so it might be a possibility for you to look into. I’d start by asking daycare as I’m sure you aren’t the first!
Anon says
Yeah, this is pretty common where I live.
Anonymous says
You are at the point where you and your husband need to have a strategic conversation about career priorities and trajectories. The practical reality of this situation is that if you take on this responsibility and work from the waiting room or take intermittent FMLA, you are setting yourself up as the parent whose career will be limited by parenting. No matter how open-minded and flexible your employer is, the reality is that you will pay a price in terms of others’ perceptions, and the price you pay will be much higher than the price a dad would pay. You will also be more stressed out and less productive. You will begin missing out on meetings, travel, and other opportunities. You will enter survival mode, and once you get in that mode it’s impossible to switch back to go-getter mode. You will automatically be the one who handles all the family logistics and support: summer camp registration, doctors’ appointments, homework help, tutoring, etc.
If a future as a stressed-out, worn-thin mom who doesn’t feel like she can succeed as a parent or at work is not appealing, you need to think like a dad and find a way to get out of it. Since your husband is not willing or able to take on this responsibility, the best idea in this thread is to hire a retiree or nanny to handle the appointments. That is not ideal because you won’t get feedback from the therapists, but that’s what’s necessary.
You can also decide just to accept the mommy-tracking. That’s what I did and I deeply regret it. I should have demanded that my husband agree to hire the nanny and maid service that he was too cheap to hire, that he take on these responsibilities because he is the kind of guy who just chugs along at work and has never sought advancement, or that he agree to my becoming a SAHM. Years later I am worn-out, bitter, unsuccessful as a parent and a professional, and unsatisfied, and I don’t think my kids have benefitted from my sacrifice in any way.
Anon says
This makes me sad to read. I totally get it about the mommy track at work, but can you say more about why it makes you feel unsuccessful as a parent as well? This is an important conversation.
Anonymous says
If you are always pulled in multiple directions and are exhausted from keeping all the balls in the air, you don’t have the patience to be fully present for your children. You also may let issues slide because you just don’t have the capacity to fight hard enough.
anon says
This. I have a 14-year-old with ADHD, which has come with a lot of appointments, therapies, and sometimes the call from school when sh!t goes sideways and then I’m mentally derailed for the day. I’m exhausted. I definitely feel like a failure at home and at work.
Anon says
Hey, hugs. It sounds like you have had/are having a tough time. Are there any changes you could make now? Could you now hire a cleaner or someone to do some of the childcare things? Is it possible to get off the mommy track now at your current job or is it possible to look for a different job where you don’t have a reputation as being on the mommy track? It sounds like you are sad and tired, but I’m wondering if there are any changes that you could make now that might put you in a better state.
Anon says
I get your point that is likely going to have some impact on her career, but this is extremely overly dramatic. This has nothing to do with who does summer camp registration in a few years and she’s not committing to a future as a “stressed out, worn thin” mom just because she does this now.
I was the parent who handled all in person appointments including speech and OT (husband is a teacher, I’m fully WFH, so there was no way it made any sense for him to do it) and I’m not “ worn-out, bitter, unsuccessful as a parent and a professional, and unsatisfied.” My husband and I have a really good balance, and I love being a mom but don’t feel like it consumes my life.
I’m genuinely sorry for your experiences but you’re projecting a lot of your own stuff onto OP, and a lot of it (like your husband refusing to let you hire a cleaning service) is totally irrelevant to her situation.
Anonymous says
Wow, you are really projecting here. Her husband just secured a job after being unemployed. He can’t reasonably ask to take off four hours a week so his wife can feel validated about her career. That’s bananas and not what OP is asking for advice about.
Anon says
Yeah, if the genders were reversed and a mom was newly back to work after being unemployed and a commenter suggested she had to cover these appointments so as not to negatively impact her husband’s career, people would be getting out the pitchforks.
I do think it’s good to go into it with eyes wide open that using FMLA or blocking time on your calendar may negatively impact some people’s perception of you. But in my experience (as someone who did years of weekly speech and OT appointments) it’s not going to derail your career or set you up to the be the only parent who does any parenting for the rest of your life. There’s obviously a lot more going on with the 10:07 poster.
Anon says
You are totally projecting and catastrophizing here! Also, is there nothing positive about taking care of your own child?
Anon says
I run errands twice a week during my job hours (I WFH, have very few meetings and direct my own projects and tasks) and no one at my job has noticed or cared and I’m not permanently mommy tracked. Every job is different and this obviously doesn’t work everywhere, but the idea that you will be forever penalized is simply not true in all cases.
Anon says
Ha, I’m currently watching figure skating instead of working and no one knows or cares. I do think using FMLA for a kid issue is different though, people may hold that against you even though they’re legally not supposed to.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t ask. I would just plan to work from the OT/speech offices during those appointments. If you log on at 8:30, you can work til 9:50 and then transport your kid to school/day care, then log back on. If you have days when you’re super busy, that could be your “lunch break.” Just block the travel time/time you’re actually unavailable on your calendar. If your office is truly flexible, no one will care about this. If it becomes an issue, you can look for someone to transport you child. I’ve had zero luck getting child care that is willing to transport to activities, but maybe you will have better options.
NYCer says
This is what I would do too, particularly since you said your job is very flexible.
anon says
I don’t know if this is an option for your kid based on age and need, but my 1st grader has been doing really well with online speech therapy. It is majorly helpful not to have to drive a bunch for a half hour appointment twice a week.
Anon says
Yeah my K-er gets speech at public school but it is remote via video because the school doesn’t have an in-person speech therapist, and it’s apparently going well. 4 is probably a little young for video speech though. But definitely something to keep in mind for the future.
Anon says
Lots of good suggestions on logistics, so I won’t pile on. But this stuff is tough and ebbs and flows, so good for you of thinking through it.
One of my kids had a short phase where they had private PT and twice monthly EI, and it was tough but I was able to manage without FMLA; I typically “made up” any work after bedtime. Thankfully, eventually both dropped and then we had bi-weekly ST through EI which was virtual and not great (and this was in 2023…)
Finally, when it became clear that EI wasn’t a fit and that kiddo would likely not qualify for in-school type services at 3 (AND we didn’t want to leave our private preschool/daycare for a public program with less hours), we got a private ST that comes to kiddo’s daycare weekly and it’s been a gamechanger. Not saying you need to change your therapists now, but definitely something to consider as needs change.
Anon says
thats what we also did for speech when in private preschool, but harder to do for things like OT or PT where they might need more equipment. it is also now a huge challenge in public K where my kids still need these services, but don’t qualify for them at school
Anon says
That’s tough. We’ve been there with the multiple therapy appts per week.
I’d do a grad student instead of college student. We have had good luck with grad student babysitters who are responsible. Maybe even one in a OT/SLP program. Or a SAHM to high schoolers who has a lot of time. It’s hard to find a nanny for such few hrs. Good luck.
Anon says
Been there– we split the appointments between my husband and I so that each of us was really only taking a hit once a week. I tried to rationalize it as the same as other attorneys who left early to go to a kid’s sporting event once a week. When we started PT with my son, it was at 4 pm, so I just left early… which was fine until I ran into a partner in the hallway who thought it was weird I was leaving that early. Once PT moved to a morning slot, I realized it was much easier (at my firm at that time) to get to the office late than to leave early. We later moved to having PT at my kid’s daycare, which was much better for him– when it was with me, he would cling to me and cry and not work with the therapist.
SC says
Lots of good advice on logistics. Keep in mind that it’s not forever. Once you get in the door, start conversations about the therapist providing services at school/daycare once per week, being on the wait list for a more convenient time (if there is one), etc. Also, your child may not need the same frequency of appointments forever. And once your husband is established in his role, he may be able to handle appointments once/week, either by taking FMLA or asking for the flexibility you’ve been afforded.
Anonymous says
Good points about this not being forever, and the husband potentially handling this down the road if it does continue for a long time.
Emma says
Anyone have a favorite water cup for my 18 month old to take to daycare? Needs to be easy to clean and reasonably lightweight. Can be either a straw or a sippy cup. We had one from PB Kids, but the straw got moldy (it wasn’t removable which made it hard to clean) and the sippy cup cover has an annoying cap that bumps into my daughter’s nose while she drinks.
AwayEmily says
360 cup.
anon says
We loved the Phillips Advent straw cups for not leaking even when my kids tossed them around.
DLC says
We have been using the Thermos Funtainer for 8 years or so. I stick them in the dishwasher to wash, and when the straw/silicone insert gets moldy, it’s pretty easy to buy a replacement.
Anonymous says
Yep, this one, and it comes in a ton of different designs so the odds of your kid having the same design as a classmate is pretty low. Very easy to clean. I haven’t had any issues with the straw getting moldy, but my kid used to chew it pretty thoroughly, and it’s been easy to get a replacement.
anon says
Haha, you say this, but some designs are clearly more popular than others! 4/12 kids in our Girl Scout troop all have the purple unicorn one because when you’re 5 unicorns are the best thing ever.
Anon says
haha yeah there’s definitely some “group think” on design selection. My daughter has the same purple unicorn lunchbox as a bunch of other girls in her grade. (Her water bottle ALSO has purple unicorns, but is not the specific brand mentioned above.)
Anonymous says
Ok, so maybe my kid is the only one obsessed with bees. :)
Anonymous says
+2. I have three kids and six of the thermos funtainers. All of them are over four years old. It’s easy to find replacement straws for them. Now that my twins aren’t babies, I put them in the dishwasher once or twice a week instead of nightly. Never had a mold problem, and we live somewhere very humid.
Anonymous says
Oxo Tot straw cup
An.On. says
Nuk sippy cup with the handles coming from the bottom. At 18 months, our kid had no idea how to use the 360 cup, and cleaning straw cups with the little pipecleaners drives me batty, so I prefer the nubby spout cups. The Nuk is small and lightweight.
Anonymous says
I posted a few weeks ago about a parent-teacher meeting for my 4.5yo daughter who attends a Montessori school. The meeting with the teacher and director of education went every well. My child does have some emotional regulation to work on, and we made the school aware that we support their efforts to work on appropriate responses. However, what shocked me was that both the teacher and director of education were unable to even name a range of an appropriate attention span for my child. Additionally, most of her behavioral issues seem to arise over the fact that my daughter is overstimulated by so many different things happening in the classroom at one time (22 kids doing up to 22 different things – which I understand is the Montessori method). We also found out that the only Kindergarten requirement is one math activity and one reading activity per day. This seems like an incredibly low bar to me. Right now we are registered next year for both public school (great district with before an after care through our local Y), and the Montessori school.
I’m leaning towards public school Kindergarten, but I’d be happy to hear input from parents who have experience with both.
Anonymous says
This seems like a clear-cut case for public kindergarten. I would look into getting her out of there for the summer as well. Some day cares have “camps” with more open registration, and your YMCA may offer day camp for rising K.
Anon says
I agree on summer camp. In my area, the city parks and rec camps also take rising kindergartners who’ve been in a full day childcare program.
We did play-based daycare, and more than half of my daughter’s class left in May to go to camp. I think for some people it was cost-driven (camp is much cheaper) but camp the year before K seems to be becoming more of a thing. Maybe you can even find a friend from preschool to do camp with.
Anon says
Based on your posting history, I’d go with public K (we are a public school family, but we “Montessori” at home). But I also wouldn’t stress about being “ready” for K. Kids do not need formal academics before K, and one math and one reading activity sounds great. Any resourced, relatively smart kid will be more than fine, regardless of “prep”.
NYCer says
+1 re the Kindergarten prep concerns. My kids’ play based private preschool does not really do any formal prep for K, and almost all of these kids go on to do well at highly regarded private ongoing schools.
Anonymous says
I think OP is saying that in K the only “curriculum” is a requirement that students do one math activity and one reading activity each day.
As far as kindergarten prep goes, they need to know how to listen and follow directions, keep their hands to themselves, wash their hands, line up, sit in their seats, use the restroom independently, use a pencil and scissors, and start at the beginning of a book and work through the pages in order. That last one was a surprise to me until a kindergarten teacher I know complained that she had to spend so much time making sure her students were all using the first blank page of their composition books. She said it usually took half the year for some of them to figure it out.
Anon says
Ah, maybe you’re right. IME Montessori has a whole different learning progression philosophy in general (paced to the child, not a whole class baseline), so if you would be doing public first grade anyway, I’d just start with K.
Anon says
+2 on K prep, although we are in a public K (but in an academically intense district). Our play-based daycare did basically no formal K prep, and my kid went to K knowing her letters and how to write her first name and not much else. It was fine.
Anon says
I *know* there are folks here who love Montessori, and I have a kid who would have thrived in the program. However, my objectively easiest, happiest, and most well-adjusted kid was labeled a problem child at 4 by a very prestigious and well-regarded Montessori program in a Montessori heavy area. This so-called problem child is now in 6th grade and thriving, and all the things they said were huge issues basically evaporated when we put her at play-based preschool. Pulling her out was the very best decision we ever made — they wanted us to pull in child development specialists, etc. to help her, but as soon as we put her in a preschool where she could just PLAY, she thrived. At Montessori, whenever I picked her up, she would trudge into the car, dejected, and her teacher would say “Well, tomorrow, we’ll just have to try harder.” eek. I lost a lot of money pulling her out one month into the school year, but I regret nothing.
Anon says
Omg. Glad you got your kid out of there.
anon says
Wow. The more I hear about Montessori, the more I wonder why it’s still a thing.
Anonymous says
People love rigid, one-size-fits-all”methods” (that advertise themselves as flexible but really aren’t) for raising children because it provides the illusion of control over the child’s development and life trajectory. Attachment parenting, Montessori, RIE, gentle parenting … all of it sells because people desperately want to believe that if moms just do things the “right” way then their children will turn out perfect.
Anon says
Interesting take. I’m not sure you can really learn the philosophy of anything from comments on a message board, and like everything that has become popular in culture, it can become distorted or watered down for the masses. There are PLENTY of schools that call themselves “Montessori” but are not appropriately accredited. Montessori was developed for disabled and mentally handicapped kids, who were stuck in a “rigid” institution. At its core it is about following the child, and providing as much independence (in learning, in daily tasks, etc) as the child is capable of and desires.
I see that all the philosophies you are maligning are on the same general trend line….
Anon says
I am the Poster @ 10:58, and I actually generally agree with both the poster at 11:38 and 11:53. I went down a deep (deep, deep) dive on early childhood education when my child was struggling at the Montessori school. There are tons of “Montessori” light schools in our area, which actually probably would have been better for my daughter, but my child’s school was accredited – and part of why she struggled is that it did strictly adhere to a Montessori philosophy and curriculum. True Montessori is unstructured and child led in the sense that the child gets to pick the work they are doing, but rigid in the sense that the works cannot be manipulated or used outside of their intended purpose. Ergo, my deeply creative daughter wanted to play pretend and build houses with the math blocks, but as a true Montessori program, the teachers were continuously redirecting her to use the works as intended. Maria Montessori actually had a lot of Thoughts about imaginative play, and intentionally did not incorporate it into her programs. There was a practical life section of her classroom, but there were no dress up clothes in the classroom. I do absolutely agree that the Montessori programs that were introduced were tremendously better for the children it served (and particularly so for the working class children it was initially opened to serve), and the independence it teaches children is so valuable and important. Also so much better than the preschool I looked at that divided the children’s schedule into 15 minute blocks of time where the children were all doing one activity (music, worksheets, coloring, snack, etc.).
But I will die on the hill that Montessori is a good fit for all children — my logically oriented math loving son would have loved the program, and found the unstructured play in play based preschool too chaotic. He would have loved the quiet, orderly classroom with intentional works that my daughter hated. I also do agree that our society places too much blame on moms for how children turn out, and there is a constant pressure that if you just parented the right way, send to the right school, signed up for the right extracurriculars, your kid will be happy, successful adult. And I say this as someone who probably aligns most closely with attachment parenting, because I feel like it suits my personality best.
OP says
Anon at 10:58 and 12:13. I think you have just described my child and what we are experiencing. Thank you for your opinions. If anything, it makes me feel much less alone.
Anon says
All the love OP. I wish I had listened to my instincts earlier — I really struggled with the decision to pull her out because it had such a good reputation and was hard to get into, and in hindsight, it was easily the best decision we made for her. It’s so easy when you have young children to listen to the noise of expectations or “experts” all around you, when you – as the parent – know what’s best for your specific child. My daughter’s school remains a well-regarded school that served my daughter’s close friends well, but it was a bad fit for her and moving her was a great decision, even if the school made me feel like there was something wrong with us/her at the time.
Anon says
I’m 11:53 and I agree with you 10:58, and didn’t mean to discount your experience in any way. I’ve commented upthread that we are a public school family, and I think there’s a lot of potential issues on the school side of things, as it’s true a child still has to “go along to get along” in a classroom setting.
But I still push back on 11:38, as we do “Montessori-ish” at home and the girding principles can work for any child and any family. It is not a rigid set of rules I am imposing to make my kids perfect. It is instead a mindset of empowering and respecting my children as full members of the family and capable beyond what “the culture” often implies. Yes, there are certain family practices we have that ate born out of Montessori (low screen time, low tech toys, risky outdoor play encouraged, toddlers make their own snacks and do a variety of other tasks, children are not pushed to do things before they are ready, etc) but I follow my kids’ lead above all. One of my biggest parenting inspirations in Montessori has five kids, three of whom are ND (maybe autism and ADHD? She hasn’t specified for privacy) and they are thriving. So it can work for big families and families with unique challenges, too.
Anon says
I’m convinced this is exactly what would have happened if we’d sent my outgoing, silly, imaginative kid to Montessori. She thrived in play based daycare and her elementary school teachers adore her.
Anonymous says
If you’re planning to put her in public school eventually, I would go ahead and do it in kindergarten. My oldest went from Montessori to public kindergarten and was woefully unprepared. He’s bright but unmotivated. It was kind of a perfect storm where his kindergarten teacher was new, and I didn’t do much work with him at home, so he didn’t learn to read in kinder. It’s not a huge deal but I’ve spent a lot of time with him in first grade getting him caught up. Of course he will be fine, but I wish I had been a little more proactive.
Yard Sale says
Our community yard sale is coming up and DD8.5 is asking to help to earn some extra money. I know we’ll need to sort, assign a price, tag, set-up, collect money, and take-down. I think she has capability to do all these (especially with a calculator) but thoughts from the hive on what’s realistic and what would be most helpful for me and enjoyable for her? Also, should I give her a set rate (like, hourly pay, flat fee) or a percentage of sales?
Anonymous says
I let my kid have all the proceeds from our yard sales because we were mostly selling her outgrown things. If it will be a lot of money you could put it towards a big new purchase she wants like a bike, or put part of it into her savings account.
Anon says
Maybe I’m too generous, but if my kid set up and sold stuff at a garage sale mostly independently I would let her keep all the proceeds. That’s what my parents did.
Anon says
If she’s selling any of her things I’d give her carte blanche on selecting what to sell, pricing, setting up, selling / negotiating / handling money, and clean up and let her keep all the proceeds!
Owlet sock says
I’m looking for experience, advice, etc on the Owlet sock. I’m due with my fourth soon (I know, I know, I should be a cool cucumber by now) and wondering if I should get one. I rationalized it away with my others (it’s not officially “recommended” by professional groups, it gives false positives, etc) but I’m wondering if there is any *real* downside. Historically my babies don’t sleep well so an occasional false alarm wake up doesn’t bother me. My anxiety is high and I’m wondering if it really does provide peace of mind.
Anon says
We used the sock due to my anxiety. I had an early roller that still to this day sleeps on her stomach. We only used the sock for about a yearish, if even that, but we still use the video monitor and app for her room (she’s five so we don’t keep it on all of the time, but there are times where I want to be able to check in on her in that room). So, I feel like we got our money’s worth out of the whole purchase.
OP says
Oh good point – I also tend to have early rollers with excellent neck control. And because they’ve all been awful sleepers I have let them tummy sleep quite early (one in particular would wake up like every 5 min on his back.) Obviously we don’t swaddle very long. But the stomach sleeping adds to my anxiety
Anon says
The early stomach sleeping 100% added to my anxiety. Also, FWIW, we had the alarm go off a few times (2 that I can recall), and both of those times were due to the sock coming off of her foot, not false positives.
Anon says
Pregnant with my first and also curious about this. I haven’t heard any *real* downsides either. To me a real downside would be that it’s totally inaccurate, it causes rashes, it’s toxic, etc.
Anon says
Our baby was in the NICU for respiratory issues so we got it when we brought him home. But it went off multiple times each night with false positives and I think there is an alarm and flashing lights so it really startles you. We stopped using it after a couple nights.
Anonymous says
+1 my BFF used one for a little bit when her preemie came home, but it went off at least 5 times every night and just added to her anxiety instead of reducing it. I think that’s the main downside.
anon says
We first got one of those under-the-mattress pads that were supposed to sense baby’s stats. It made my anxiety way worse tbh. Part of that may have been the technology at the time (ex- alarm going off when I picked baby up in the middle of the night without hitting whatever sensor button you’re supposed to, ughhh) but I think it is a little know-yourself thing. And, I get your point about a false wakeup not being all that bad, but there is a big difference between being woken up by baby crying and woken up by a shrieking alarm that makes you think your baby could be not breathing. The later would keep me up the rest of the night, more like a fire alarm.
Anon says
How common were the false alarms? If they happened once or twice in six months, I could maybe live with that, but what you’re describing would be intolerable if it were more like every week.
anon says
So, this was now over 6 years ago, but I remember the temperature alarm going off a few times, and the mattress pad alarm going off maybe only once, but because I realized it was making me more rather than less anxious, we got rid of it pretty quickly. Again though, now that particular gadget is probably outdated. My main thing I’d advise a friend is that if you get it and you realize it’s triggering anxiety, it’s ok to stop using it.
Cerulean says
I personally think that devices like this do more to feed into anxieties rather than quell them. But you know yourself best.
Anon says
Same, this is the main reason I didn’t get one.
OP says
Yes, this is the drawback I keep seeing. I understand in theory but I am having troubling understanding in practice. I often can’t fall asleep because I feel compelled to keep checking my babies, and go into their rooms multiple times each nap to check some more. I am a clinically anxious/OCD person, not just a mom who worries. But I can’t decide if it would quell my anxiety, or (given the OCD) give me another thing to fixate on and worry if it’s working
anonn says
this is why I didn’t get one for my first, but I got one for my second and it very much calmed me. I was able to rest better knowing there was a device tracking him too. With my first I’d just hover over her bassinet listening, and then eventually poke her because I was sure she’d stopped breathing, she’d wake and then a cycle of getting her back to sleep began. With the sock, the app confirmed he was breathing, and I was able to fall back asleep. In real like I’ve only heard similar anecdotes. the burns and false alarms I only saw online.
Bette says
I got them with both of my kids. I had PPA and this allowed me to get much more sleep.
For what it’s worth, the technology improved significantly from the first time I used it to the one I used last year. It only false alarmed a handful of times over the months we used it.
I know the medical claims are dubious but I found it soothing and it allowed me to sleep better. Honestly, even if it was just a placebo effect it would still be worth the money for me.
On a similar anxiety note, I got a Doppler at home to hear the baby’s heartbeat in utero.
I am not an anxious person, but after many miscarriages I was with worried about the health of my babies.
Anon says
Our preschool isn’t great at communication to parents. Info is sent over emails, the info is wrong (wrong date for event) and then another email is sent with corrected info. Parents need to dig through emails for things like the school year calendar and when they are scheduled to bring in the snack that day. They use the Tadpoles app but that is mostly for daily updates on what the kid did that day. How does your school handle these types of communications? Is there a way to use the Tadpoles app more effectively? I am on the preschool advisory board and we are meeting later today to discuss how to improve.
Anon says
What sort of info are you trying to communicate? I don’t recall many emails from daycare, except for breaking news about situations like Covid closures and snow days. Hopefully that stuff is not inaccurate!
Our teachers used Tadpoles to communicate theme dress up days and the occasional class event, which was fine, although personally I prefer receiving email.
The school year calendar, menus (if applicable), and parent handbook should be emailed, but also publicly available on a website, IMO. That’s what both our daycare and public school do.
anon says
I mean, this sounds like par for the course. Unless the director sending the information learns to proofread her stuff, this will be an ongoing issue. Email is fine, but maybe consolidating into a weekly update would be more effective than a separate notice for everything? I think this is really hard to get right. My kids’ elementary school sends so many emails that it becomes repetitive, but I understand why they do that (to catch the parents who missed it the first three times).
I am not confident that an app will totally solve this issue, though maybe it would help.
Anonymous says
All three day cares I’ve sent my kids to have been what you describe. Info is incorrect, buried or sent out late. It’s a bit frustrating but my attitude is these people are there to take care of my child, and they do it extremely well. If their major strength was written communication, they’d probably work somewhere else. I have gotten a lot more info simply by getting to know each child’s teacher. They will text me to remind me stuff, ask which method of communication I prefer, and generally give me the scuttlebut if and when I ask. Also, if your kids are going to public school, you’d best prepare yourself because it’s going to get a lot worse. :)
Anon says
Our daycare/preschool sends out one weekly email with schedule and reminders (e.g. Friday is show and tell, Thursday is wear your pajamas to school, Tuesday bring in an empty paper towel roll, Monday is swimming). There’s also a monthly calendar with the highlights. It’s not perfect and there’s sometimes typos, but I like getting the email once a week. They send out separate emails with things related to billing, announcements, etc.
We also have an app – but that’s used for sharing the child’s daily report and communicating any supplies needed for the individual child (diapers, clothes, etc).
Anonymous says
Put all the schedules and event information on a website.
anonn says
our daycare is the same, and public elementary school is even worse.
Anon says
Hi All. Taking DS (6) to NOLA for the weekend. SC had some great tips, thank you!
Any reccos for kid-friendly swamp tours? I googled and there are just…a lot. I gave DS the option of zoo, aquarium, and swamp tour and he’s excited about the former (we have a great zoo and decent aquarium in our city).
OP says
*latter, dang it!
Anonymous says
Been to NOLA a million times but never done a swamp tour! Please report back!
OP says
Same here! I ended up booking with Cajun Encounters. Will report back!
Anonymous says
Not OP, but I did one as a kid. It was a fun boat ride, although very very hot and humid, but I’m pretty sure we were there in the summer. My strongest memory of it was they pulled a baby alligator out of the swamp and we all got to hold it. I’m not sure they still do that now that people are more concerned with animal welfare. I don’t think being passed around the boat was a nice experience for the poor alligator.
SC says
My husband and his friends took a tour with Honey Island Swamp Tours years ago and really enjoyed it. It’s in the Pearl River area, which suffered less damage from Hurricane Ida a few years ago than Jean Lafitte or Maurepas swamps. But Cajun Pride in Maurepas and the airboat tours at Jean Lafitte still get great reviews.
Vicky Austin says
Thanks again to the two posters who responded yesterday to my request for BFing weaning anecdotes! If anyone else has one to share, I’m all ears. DS is going to be 1 in a few weeks and I’m hoping to have him fully weaned by June.
Anon says
My kid was a bit older, but we did “don’t offer, don’t refuse” with great success. There was a big change in my kid’s interest in nursing between 12 and 15 months, so even if it seems impossible now, it might be easy by then.
Emma says
I weaned right around 1, including at night. I honestly expected a lot of drama based on stuff I read on the internet, but really it was completely fine. I made sure she liked regular milk before weaning because it’s easier than formula. For a while I nursed right before bed and first thing in the morning only. I didn’t pump anymore, so I suspect my supply dropped, but it was just for comfort. And then one night I sat down in the chair and cuddled her with a bottle instead, and did our regular routine – story, song, etc. There were no tears or anything, she honestly didn’t seem to notice the difference, and we never went back. But she wasn’t nursing at night anymore – if she needs comfort in the night I give her cuddles and maybe a bit of water, and she goes back down. And I didn’t feel the huge loss everyone warned me about – I’m still her mom, we still cuddle, honestly I was kind of relieved. I know every kid is different, but hopefully a bit of reassurance!
Emma says
Also, I second the suggestion to send the non-BFing parent into the room at night. We did that for a while to curb the nursing urge and it worked great (and gave me a break from nighttime wake-ups while DH shouldered a bigger load for a bit, which did us some good in terms of parenting balance).
Anon says
Weaning was fine for the kid but a hormonal roller-coaster for me. Very unexpected too – I’m not someone who typically had a lot impacts from PMS or any other hormone related events. I was rage-y, tearful, super tense, yelled a lot – and then a few days later it all went away. Thankfully, did not have any major work events around that time, it would have been a mess.
Vicky Austin says
Thank you for saying this! I nearly forgot about my own piece of the puzzle.
Anonymous says
+1. This is really common and not communicated well to new moms. I had severe depression for 1-2 months around this time.
AwayEmily says
I did a similar process with all three kids. First, over the course of a month-ish, I dropped to just one feeding (either AM or PM, I legitimately can’t remember which). Then, for the final step, I left for ~4 days (in all cases I just planned it around an existing work trip). The leaving helped a LOT, I think.
Anon says
Neither of my kids really seemed to care that they were weaned. Having a plan and all that jazz turned out to be completely unnecessary for us.
Anonymous says
I went back to work at 1 year and all 3 of my kids weaned pretty much on their own by 18 months. Start by stopping to pump and just nurse morning, after pick up (if applicable) and evening. If you’re pumping more than once a day, combine into a lunch time pump for a couple weeks and then cut the duration over the next 2 weeks.
After a couple months of just nursing, drop whatever feed your child is least interested in. For us, that was the after pick up nurse, they dropped that pretty quick. Evening nurse was the easiest one to go next as I would just cut the time and started having DH do more bedtimes.
Anonymous says
adding that I purposely wean slowly because I was worried about a hormonal drop. By the time we were down to just a morning feed I did ‘don’t offer, don’t refuse’ and they finished up anywhere from a week to a month depending on the kid.
Currently Weaning says
I am currently weaning my 14mo, down to 1 short feed (nursing 1 side) at morning wake. It only took about 4-5 days for my supply to reduce/stabilize, so I suspect LO was/is not getting much milk any more.
At 1 year, I introduced a straw cup of milk at mealtimes (it took LO a couple of weeks to get used to that), and did don’t offer/don’t refuse, which naturally got us to ~3 feeds (wake, late afternoon, evening).
To cut bedtime nursing, I did a snack immediately after nursing, and then added milk to the snack, and then skipped nursing . I dropped afternoon nursing with distraction/a snack while cooking dinner.
Vicky Austin says
This is super helpful, thank you! I feel like I’m in a similar spot to where you must have been a few months ago. Appreciate the insight.
Upping DD's shower game says
Okay, my nine year old is not trying to shop at sephora, but I also realized she is using her siblings honest company shampoo and a bar of soap. I think it’s time to upgrade her. Suggestions for pre-teen shampoo and conditioner combos? She has fine straight hair. I was also going to buy her a Cerave or similar face wash just to build good habits. Anything else I’m missing here? She doesn’t have bad hygiene or anything like that.
Anonymous says
My 11 year old uses drug store shampoo and has beautiful hair. She used Aussie.
Anon says
Seeking advice! I am 15 weeks pregnant and my brain feels like *mush*. It takes me forever to do a simple task and I am getting sidetracked easily. This is my second child and I don’t recall feeling this way when I was pregnant with my daughter. This time around I feel like I am in la la land half the time. Any tips to stay productive and organized?
Anonymous says
My only advice is to be super self-aware: double-check everything, and ask people you trust to check again. I say this as someone who sent a very unwise email that got me in big trouble during peak brain fog. I was so embarrassed! CEO was involved, etc.
Anon says
as a follow up to the above post, for those of you with elementary school aged kids who need speech, OT, other therapy etc. that cannot take place during school hours/is not provided by the school, how do you manage it after school and balance your child’s need for those things with being able to just be a kid and participate in other extracurricular activities. my Kindergarten twins each do speech 1x a week, one does OT, the other one does play therapy, and then they both do soccer and ballet (which are each once a week) and their speech provider wants to increase them to 2x a week, which I agree with (last year in preschool they did 2x), but just don’t know how to fit it in. we have a nanny who can get them there, but they obviously can’t be in more than one place at a time and as they get older, and activities begin to take place more than once a week.
anon says
My kids only have OT once a week each, but we either do it before school and send them in an hour late or pull them from school and hour early. Obviously won’t work forever, but in 1st grade it’s not a big deal to miss an hour of school per day. We’re also a hard no on any extracurricular that meets more than once a week, but that’s mostly driven by knowing my kids have hard limits on their coping skills afterschool.
Anonymous says
+1 to no activities that meet more than once a week. I think that’s a totally reasonable limit, particularly for kindergartners. Also can’t you do weekend activities and the therapies after school?
OP says
i guess i am thinking ahead to next year when in first grade many of the activities do meet twice a week – once during the week and once on weekend, or sometimes twice during the week. i think it is absurd!
Anon says
I think if the activity has to meet twice per week, they can pick either soccer or ballet. Or can’t they do one in the fall and the other in the spring? Limiting a first grader to two activity sessions per week at once seems reasonable to me.
Anonymous says
^This. You have to pick between doing all the activities or giving the kids chill time at home; both isn’t really an option because there are only so many hours in the day.
Anon2 says
+3 to limiting. I limit it to two weekdays of activities (so one weekday practice and one weekend game is fine), but as early as second grade many activities require two weeknights plus a weekend. My kids play a different sport each season, and we opted out of cub scouts because they already hit the two night limit. Winter has been calmer so we were able to add in karate, but in spring we’ll do just baseball. My older son takes cello within the school day, so that’s a way to work in an extra activity without the extra time as they get older.
With three kids and an introvert mom it’s VERY important to me to protect some chill time at home. It’s also good for sibling relationships to have hours-long blocks together some days, after being apart so much for school.
OP says
our public school takes attendance at 9am and it impacts school funding if you aren’t there by then, and they are also very strict about attendance. my kids also LOVE school and would be very upset to arrive late or leave early every day and it seems so unfair to the teachers, but i guess it is something to consider
anon says
Yeah, this is possibly more feasible in some states than others. In our Maryland district school funding is (as far as I know) determined by September enrollment data, so a weekly excused tardy doesn’t affect it.
My kids also love school, but are very aware that OT is helping them, so leaving an hour early on Wednesday is a reasonable trade off, to them. I can see the argument that it is disruptive to the teachers, but my kids have enough issues in the classroom that no one at the school is going to object to us pulling them to get to appointments that in the long run will help the classroom environment. Not true for all kids, obviously.
Anon says
It definitely varies by state. My state has a few days (I think one each quarter) that count for funding and as long as you’re there on those days they get their $. They are still strict about absences for vacations, but something like this would certainly be excused.
OP says
our district doesn’t distinguish between excused/unexcused absences and is currently under a lot of scrutiny (we are in HISD in Houston, TX which has recently been taken over by the state for absurd reasons and the schools are all being highly scrutinized at the moment). its really dumb, but there is a lot of focus on being at school at 9am, so even if you are late and then leave early, you count as there if present at 9am
Anon says
i realize people have to do what works for them, but i feel like this is very unfair to the teacher.
Anon says
Also seems unfair to the kid too. My 6 year old would be devastated to miss a couple of hours of school on a regular basis. She gets in-school speech therapy, but they coordinate it with the teacher at a time that’s good for her, and they promised us that DD will never miss art/music/PE, lunch, recess, field trips or special classroom events. It would be hard to have the same assurance with private therapy, at least in my area where appointment times are very limited and can’t be moved around regularly.
Anonymous says
Out of curiosity, unfair in what way? I know for my kid, getting picked up an hour early in 1st grade would basically mean missing snack, classroom cleanup, and 20 minutes of tv time. I can see how getting to the classroom an hour late could be more of an issue, if the kid needs to get caught up on what the class is doing.
Anon says
this would obviously vary on the particular school/classroom, but it is another thing for the teacher to keep track of, and depending on how that last hour is spent (again varies by school/class), maybe they are working on something in groups, or there is actual learning going on during that time, or a project that carries over from day to day or your kid made a particularly big mess that day and is not involved in cleaning it up. i know in some classrooms the teachers assign the HW during that last time of the day. obviously kids get sick and have to miss school from time to time, but that seems different than on a regular basis. in your student’s particular classroom this sounds like less of a big deal, but that is not the case for all classrooms at all schools.
Anon says
In our school, if a kid is leaving early, the teacher has to walk them out to the front of the building. Our school also doesn’t allow pickup within an hour of dismissal (presumably because it’s a busy time for the teacher trying to get everything wrapped up, homework assigned, etc.), so the kid would definitely miss some substantive work. I agree coming late is probably more disruptive, but I think leaving early is disruptive too, to both student and teacher.
Anon says
I don’t think there are easy answers. It probably depends on the kid and how well they do with a lot of scheduled stuff. What’s the justification for needing speech twice a week? That seems like a lot to me. I have a kid who was screened as bottom 1% for articulation and no one ever suggested more than once a week. One thing to keep in mind with private providers is that the more you go, the more they profit. I’m not suggesting everyone in this profession is a scam artist, but people who are being paid for their services aren’t unbiased about recommending the services. I think it’s always worth getting an evaluation from the school and seeing if an unbiased provider thinks they need that amount of therapy.
For my kindergartner this year we decided to just do school speech therapy even though it’s limited to 20 minutes twice a month versus the one hour once a week she had in private therapy. We weighed several things in making that decision, including the disruption to my work schedule and the disruption to her education (after school appointments are impossible to come by in my area).
Anon says
This is very hard. In school services have been a game changer because sometimes kids want to do other activities as you say or just chill out. Does your school have anything?
OP says
not for OT or play therapy. outside therapists cannot come into public school. they don’t qualify for speech at school bc the standard has to be that it is interfering with your education and it is not, though they still have significant speech issues, so it does qualify with the standard set forth by our health insurance
Anonymous says
Did they not qualify for in-school speech therapy? I would not be inclined to do private therapy for a kid who didn’t qualify for school services, and certainly not twice per week.
OP says
they do not qualify bc the standard is different and is a pretty high bar in our state. they basically have to be understood well enough by their teachers/peers and it has to not be interfering with their learning, which it isn’t….but as their mother, especially with one kiddo i often have trouble understanding what she is saying, as do grandparents/caregivers. from a health insurance standpoint they do qualify. plus i imagine as they get older it will be even harder for them to find time after school. i also suspect one kiddo has adhd and imagine she might need other interventions in the future, so just more generally wondering how people make time for all of this
SC says
We struggle with this. My son has play therapy every other week, individual therapy every other week (same week but different day as play therapy), and OT once per week. He’s in 2nd grade, and he has weekly homework packets, 20 minutes/day of reading, and weekly spelling tests to study for. He also has a significant need for downtime.
We’ve signed him up for low-key, after school activities on the 2 “free” days of the week. And that’s all we do in terms of structured activities. I think he’d love some version of scouts, ninja classes or martial arts, or rock climbing. And we want him to start taking music lessons next year. But there’s just not time without dropping some of the therapy. We’ve tried, and it goes poorly each time. And when there is a blip at school (which last happened in December), it helps a lot that we can line up appointments and address it quickly.
anon says
Can I just say that parenting a child with ADHD is really freaking hard? Yes, my kid is on medication and sees a therapist to work on life and behavioral skills. It helps a lot, and things are overall better than when he was younger. But there are still times when he screws up in a big way due to the impulse control issues.
I got a call from school that my 7th grader is in hot water for saying something that was construed as racist by someone that he already has a rocky relationship with. (For context, his class was studying a unit on slavery and he started “wondering out loud” about things, as an intellectual exercise.) I am not defending him. It was so boneheaded, inappropriate, and a thought that should’ve stayed inside his head. Better yet, not thought about AT ALL. Unfortunately, this is not the first dumb thing he’s said that’s gotten him in trouble over the years. Anyway, the teacher is going to try mediation between my kid and the other kid to cool things down, but a school suspension is not off the table. I am so furious with my kid. No matter how much coaching we give him or his therapist gives him about what stays inside his head vs. what is said out loud, it still happens sometimes. And it can be pretty awful and mortifying. ADHD may be a reason for certain behaviors, but it cannot be an excuse for hurting others. As parents, we have been adamant about this.
My concentration is pretty much wrecked. I wish I could go home. Part of me hopes he does get suspended because maybe then, something would click. I love my son fiercely. But I did not expect parenting to be this way. He is incredibly intelligent, categorized as gifted, and the gifted+ADHD combination is just a rough one to navigate. Impulse control issues have already had consequences with peers, teachers, etc.
Anon says
so many hugs. a teenage brain is already impulsive, and with the ADHD add on that must be magnified. growing up my sister had crippling anxiety and now that i’m a parent i wish i could tell my mom that i now appreciate how hard she had it. my mom always worked, but would frequently get calls from school, etc. (my mom passed away a few years ago so i cannot tell her this). while your kiddo does not and should not realize this now, one day he will appreciate you. yes the baby years are so exhausting, but then when they are older you wish you could go back to when the biggest problem was them throwing food when they are done eating. and then there are people like my neighbor’s 2 year old grandson who has spent more of half of his life in the hospital bc he has a rare form of cancer and the 5 rounds of chemo and bone marrow transplant, which is now failing, and he has to go back into the hospital and my heart just breaks for his parents. parenting is so f*cking hard and definitely far from all rainbows and sunshine.
anon says
I appreciate this. The calls from school happen much frequently than they used to, but whenever it happens, it is just a confidence wrecker for me as a parent. And I simultaneously feel bad for my kid that he struggles so much to follow the social norms, while being kind of angry that he can’t. It all feels bad.
anon says
much LESS frequently
Anon says
also, not going to solve the problem, but are you in therapy for yourself?
anon says
Well, I’m definitely thinking that I need to go back to it.
Anon says
I don’t have advice, but hugs. You sound like a great mom. Sorry you’re going through this.
Anonymous says
From one 2e parent to another, all the hugs. It is especially hard these days when the consequences of kids’ mistakes seem so much bigger than they used to be. It’s so incredibly frustrating when you are doing your best and depleting yourself for your child and nothing seems to work. You are a great mom who is working so hard, and this internet stranger sees you.
The “day getting derailed” thing is especially hard because it makes you feel even worse about yourself. I like to sneak out for an hour to enjoy a walk and/or a fancy coffee in silence for a reset.
Re. suspension v. mediation: I would consider speaking with the teacher and the principal and his 504 or IEP coordinator to determine what the most effective course of action would be, up to and including suspension. I am skeptical of “mediation” in these situations and think it tends to escalate things. There’s probably something deeper going on with the complainant as well, and a conversation mediated by an untrained teacher may well fan the flames.
anon says
There is definitely a history with the complainant. They have butted heads before; last time, she was the one being inappropriate. Even the teacher admitted this girl is a bit of a sh!tstirrer (more diplomatically, of course). We have coached him to keep his distance as much as possible, but it’s hard. They’re in many of the same classes and activities.
Anonymous says
We had a situation with our 7th grader where the guidance counsellor wanted to do mediation and I turned it down because the offender was not prepared to acknowledge that they had done anything wrong which I felt would have revictimized my daughter.
I explained that restorative justice solutions like mediation work best when the offender is able to acknowledge harm and offer actions to repair. eg. a genuine heartfelt apologize that doesn’t minimize harm caused regardless of the intent and an action like committing to raise questions/thoughts one on one with the teacher outside of class to determine if they are appropriate before bringing them up in class. In racism issues, it can be helpful to acknowledge that a lack of intent means ignorance of the issue and that ignorance is itself a harm.
It’s been a hard lesson for all my kids at different ages that you can be harmful to someone even when your intent is not to hurt them and the lack of intent doesn’t erase the impact.
Anonymous says
As the parent of a 2e kid, I find myself giving lots of examples of adults with horrible impulse control and showing the impact. It has really resonated with my kid. When she can’t control herself, we reflect in calm times on strategies because “can you imagine if an adult did that?” As she gets older (she’s 9) it’s started to sink in more and more. We saw a woman flip out at the coffee shop- she was totally unhinged and threw her (apparently incorrectly made) drink at the wall. My kids all still talk about her.
Anon says
“We saw a woman flip out at the coffee shop- she was totally unhinged and threw her (apparently incorrectly made) drink at the wall.”
Whatttttt!?! I have never in my life seen anything like this. That’s crazy!
Anonymous says
I don’t know if that strategy works anymore, since you can read in the news every day about adults with zero impulse control getting rewarded for it.
Anonymous says
I am right there with you. My 4th grader got mad because other students didn’t play what he wanted at recess and threw gravel at them. (And yes we have been similarly adamant that he can’t hurt others). TBH I now avoid all school activities and events because I am so ashamed of his behavior.
anon says
OP here, and I get it. I really do. There’s a reason why I don’t have close relationships with any of the parents in his class, and it’s because I cut myself off from them in elementary school. In a blame-the-parent society, it was one way I could take control of the situation for myself.
Anonymous says
Maybe I am an outlier, but I actually appreciate meeting the reasonable parents of “difficult” kids. If people don’t know you, they will assume the worst. If they meet you and realize that you are perfectly lovely, they will stop assuming it’s your fault that your child behaves the way he does, and may actually become more understanding of your child himself. The only times I have had negative feelings towards a parent whose child acted out were when parents downplayed the issues, dumped the problems on other parents, or actively encouraged the negative behavior. For example, there was one girl in the Girl Scout troop who would purposely make as many girls as possible cry during every single meeting and event. The mom chaperoned exactly one campout, during which the daughter deliberately destroyed her mother’s property. Instead of pulling her daughter from the troop or at least agreeing to chaperone every event and supervise her daughter closely, the mom started refusing to chaperone at all so she could get a break. That mom I definitely did not like, and my own daughter ended up quitting Girl Scouts because that girl ruined the experience. But that’s not at all how you are describing your reactions to your child’s behavior.
anon says
I understand what you’re saying. But I also have to say that this isn’t all in my head. At after-school pickup, there were parents who looked at me differently once they realized who my kid was. One even had the nerve to yell at my kid at the public pool for SAYING HELLO to her daughter because they’d had a dustup or two during the school year (and trust me, my kid was not always the one at fault in those situations). My DH witnessed the whole thing and was floored by the mom’s behavior. Can you really blame me for choosing self-preservation over connection? Thankfully we have family friends who accept us, flaws and all. But yes, it has been quite lonely at times.
Anon says
i completely agree with this! there are more of us out there than you might think. my best friend (who lives in a different state) has a 2E kid (gifted and recently diagnosed with autism), and her child is transgender. it has been a lot for her to deal with and she says it is so nice when local friends still include her even though she might have a more challenging kiddo. many of us know people like this/our own kids have their own issues and like meeting nice parents!
anon says
+1 that I would appreciate getting to know the reasonable parents who are working hard to address behavior issues. Especially they’re open to me calling them to brainstorm solutions if necessary.
AwayEmily says
I totally get why you feel this way. Just so you know, there ARE parents who do not judge you and who will accept your kid for the awesome person he is. One of my second-grader’s good friends has a lot of behavioral issues — he struggles with regulation, he can be unthinkingly unkind — but he is also a fundamentally sweet, creative kid, I have seen how far he has come in the three years I’ve known him, and his parents are absolute rock stars. BUT I also want to validate that that there absolutely are a lot of judgy parents out there who will try to make your son’s challenges “your fault.” It sucks and I’m sorry and you deserve better.
Anon says
i’m the anon at 12:39 and just so you both know, not all parents are like this. i understand you might not want to always share exactly what is going on with your kid, but our children are not robots with remote controls. i don’t hold most parents responsible for their kid’s behavior.* Somehow most of my parents close friends to this day are the parents of my sister’s peers, even though she was very very disruptive at certain events/team practices back in the day and was most certainly not an easy kid to invite over for a playdate.
*(the exception being the time i was out to dinner with the moms in what was then a prek4 class at the beginning of the year and one mom goes “i don’t feel like the school needs to let me know when my kid S is disruptive/hits, etc. that just is who she is and they need to deal with it.” this person’s daughter went on to cut my kid’s dress unprovoked and pulled a necklace off of my kid’s neck. another friend’s daughter went over to S’s house for a playdate and came home asking her mom why S gets so many treats when she never follows the rules, so while I appreciate S might have some struggles, the fact that her parents seem to refuse to set any limits is part of the problem)