This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Everyone loves Boden’s ottoman fabric — it’s a medium-weight, stretchy, sort of fitted material, and this Cordelia dress is fully lined but still machine washable. We’ve featured a number of other dresses in the ottoman line, but not this one. I like the little button details and the simple neckline. It comes in regular and long sizes 2-18 in black and red, and it’s $120 at Boden. Use the coupon code C64T for 25% off. Cordelia Ottoman Dress
If you’re looking for something more affordable, we just highlighted a Lark & Ro dress (at Corporette) at Amazon that’s very similar for $64.
New to Boden? Check out our recent roundup of how to build a work wardrobe at Boden. Another psst: the big Nordstrom sale starts today! Stay tuned over at Corporette for a roundup of our #Nsale sale picks for workwear.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
Click here to see our top posts!
And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Edna Mazur says
Anyone have any exciting plans for Memorial Day? My husband is probably working most of it, I’ve got a three year old and a two year old and am 36 weeks pregnant. I feel like we should do something fun, but travel is out and quite frankly much exertion at all is out if we are being honest.
We’ve got a local zoo pass, which will probably be a zoo (pun intended). Thinking about setting out a wading pool and calling it good. Anyone have any creative, fun, ideas?
Anonymous says
Wading pool + Zoo sounds great! We don’t live near a major zoo and I was just feeling guilty that the youngest kids haven’t been to a zoo before. For them, a zoo trip would be ‘exciting plans’.
Edna Mazur says
Ours is not a major zoo by any means. We can see all of the animals in 1-1.5 hours. It’s actually the perfect size for toddlers:) We get an annual pass and probably average 1-2 trips a week in season. They still love it though…
Anonymous says
I think the zoo sounds like the perfect Daddy + kids activity, so you can take a nap. Then, wading pool, sidewalk chalk, bubbles, and call it a day!
CPA Lady says
Last memorial day we went to a splash pad, then dried off and went out to eat for lunch, home for a nap, and then went out to get ice cream. It was a good day. Maybe we’ll do a repeat this year, depending on the weather.
RDC says
Splash pad! Brilliant. We’re visiting my parents but I’ll have to look for some around them.
Mrs. Jones says
I go to the beach with 3 girlfriends every Memorial Day. It is the BEST. No husbands, no kids, no stress.
Husband is taking son to visit mother-in-law.
Edna Mazur says
This sounds fabulous!
Leatty says
Also 36 weeks pregnant (with my first), and my plan is to nap a lot, get a pedicure, go to the beach for a few hours, make a final trip to Costco to stock up, and prep some freezer meals.
ANon says
Letting them splash around in a wading pool sounds like perfection. I remember when I was little, I couldn’t wait to go to my friend’s house, who had a little wading pool. Before she got her wading pool, her mom would turn on her oscillating sprinkler and let us run through it. Those were the best days ever!
Anonymous says
Date night! My mom is coming to visit, and has agreed to do overnight babysitting so my husband and I can enjoy a friend’s wedding and stay overnight instead of limiting alcohol intake and driving ourselves 45 minutes home. I am looking forward to it.
Weather dependent: Pool (the YMCA splash pool opens this weekend), and strawberry picking with the family, if the local pick-your-own farm is open. And then making strawberry shortcake, of course.
But it’s supposed to rain most of the weekend, so we’ll see.
Beans says
Could you take them to a movie? My kids love to go to the movies and have a snack.
Do you have a local botanical gardens? We go there and take walks.
Blueberry says
Any good movies out for little kids? Boss Baby? We haven’t taken our kids to the movies yet, but the time is coming soon. Maybe we’ll wait for Cars 3.
H says
I’m looking forward to spending time in the pool with my 2.5 year old!
Rainbow Hair says
We are having a party!!! It’s mostly fam, my brothers and my sister and their SOs and kids, and then some friends… there will be BBQ and beer and swimming (and anxiety about swimming kids!) and it should be great. Best of all, we’re having it on Sunday so that we don’t have to go to work right after.
SC says
We are on our way to the beach for a long weekend! We’re in the car now–I’m in he back seat with Kiddo, who is sound asleep, and DH and MIL are up front (they both get car sick).
Edna Mazur says
Oh I love these. Bubbles, I think we have. Splash pads will be opening that day too, I had forgotten about that!
Anon says
I’m embarrassed to be admitting this, but I could use some advice. Half of everyone I know is quitting their job or going part time to spend more time with their toddlers. Meanwhile I’m over here, extremely aware of the fact that the shorter the amount of time I spend with my toddler, the better mother I am. I’m calm, friendly, patient, and willing to do fun activities. If we spend all day together, I’m short tempered and irritable and much more likely to yell or turn on the TV just to get some peace and quiet or a break from the roller-coaster toddler tantrums.
Are any of you like me, or am I an awful monster who is missing the maternal gene? Have any of you consciously decided to spend less time with your kid in order to be a better mother? I don’t take a lunch break at work so I can get out of here by 4:30, but if I took a half hour lunch I might be a better parent in the evening. Decreasing the quantity to improve the quality. Thoughts?
Mrs. Jones says
I am like you. I like spending time with my 6-year-old SO much more than when he was a terrible toddler. Hopefully it will improve for you too.
Anon says
Yes! That is my hope too. I love older kids and I’m really looking forward to that time.
Anonymous says
Quality of the time you spend with your kid is a lot more important than the the quantity of time. If you’re sticking him in front of the TV so you can clean the bathroom because you have less household help because you’re not working and then you end up snapping at him? That’s not good for him or you.
Kids notice when you establish traditions with them. Those small moments of time, meaningfully spent, are so important – not the sheer volume of time together. I bake muffins with my kids every Saturday morning – takes about 20 mins to mix and 20 mins to bake. They LOVE it. Another mom I know takes her kid swimming every Sunday. That was never my ‘thing’ but she hates baking. Find what you love to do with your kid(s) and enjoy every second. There’s no one way to do this and you’re doing great.
lsw says
I love this, thank you.
mascot says
+100 on traditions. My dad traveled extensively for work when I was growing up and we didn’t see him during the week. But, if he was in town on a Friday, he’d take us out to breakfast and then drive us to school. My mom was a SAHM who was very involved in our school so she was around a lot. But, breakfast with Dad is what we recall fondly and I don’t have lingering feelings of him missing out on our lives.
I also agree with liking older kids and being a better mom because I work. Life is more fun now that we have a school age child.
anne-on says
Nope, you’re not a monster. I think its fair to also acknowledge that you may just not be ‘into’ the toddler age. I consciously chose to have 1 child because we do not have local family, my husband and I work demanding jobs, I travel for work, and I just don’t have enough time/mental energy to have a second kid. Does that make me selfish? Maybe, but I like to think of it as knowing my limits.
If it helps – at the crabby toddler tantrum age, I found weekends MUCH better if I had a mental game plan – ie, from 8-9 breakfast, books, cuddling, get dressed. 9-10, fun activity, 10-11 errands, chores 11-12, lunch, books, wind down to nap. 12-2 nap/rest time, 2-3 fun activity (etc. etc.) repeat as needed.
avocado says
You are not a monster. On the contrary–you are self-aware and are making the choices that allow you to be the best mom you can be, based on your individual personality and circumstances.
The first time I dropped my daughter off at day care, I remember wanting to skip out the door because I felt such an overwhelming sense of relief that someone else would be doing the hands-on work for the next few hours and I could stop narrating everything I did and could eat a snack or use the bathroom whenever I wanted to. I never had any desire to become a SAHM until my kid was in the third grade and was spending all day at school and most of her afternoons at activities. Even then, my wish to become a SAHM was mostly based on hating my job and being totally worn out with the insane logistics of household management and kid transportation on top of a full-time job with relatively frequent travel and a long commute.
Spending time with a toddler is demanding and intense. One-on-one time gets much easier as they get older, become more self-sufficient, and are capable of doing more interesting things.
avocado says
In response to your question “Have any of you consciously decided to spend less time with your kid in order to be a better mother? ”
Yes. I cut a planned one-year maternity leave short at 4.5 months because it made me a better mother.
anon says
It’s hard for me to admit, but I believe I’m the same way. I love my toddler and spending time with her, but I also find the toddler stage incredibly difficult, much more so than the baby phase. Then things get easier in the preschool/early elementary years when they’re more independent. There is nothing wrong with you. If working gives you the balance you need to be a calm, loving parent — then I’d say you’re doing something right. Numerous studies have shown that moms today, even those who work full-time outside the home, spend more time with their children than women did in the 1960s. That kind of blows my mind and puts everything into perspective when I start feeling guilty about being away from my 2-year-old.
I have a good link to share, but I’m going to put it in a separate post in case it goes into moderation.
rakma says
I was having a conversation with a male former boss/mentor, who is older than I am but we have kids the same age. He was saying that he was really looking to structure his job so that he did most of his work from home, and could spend more time with his kids, or retire early. I was saying the opposite–I have structured my schedule to minimize childcare, and it is dragging me down so much, I just want to go into my office 5 days a week and work and not think about anyone else’s needs.
So no, not a monster, in fact I’d say completely normal. I think there’s a spectrum of feeling when it comes to parenting, and not everyone loves every stage (I’m really looking forward to 10. I think I will be awesome at parenting tweens.) I also think that I’m a better mom because I work. The combination of financial anxiety + feeling tethered to a small person’s whims all day would make me a raging b*tch, if maternity leave was any indication.
Take the 30 min lunch break. Make it a real break–eat something, read a book. take a walk, whatever. It will make your work day better, and hopefully your after-work day too.
Pogo says
+1
I’m still pregnant with my first but I fully plan on keeping my lunch time workout routine when I go back to work. I assume it will be the only “me” time I get all day.
Em says
This weekend my husband and I were discussing how we would make terrible SAHPs. I literally said “I would be a horrible mother if I had to spend all day every day caring for my son” then I laughed and acknowledged how bad that sounded, but my husband agreed and said he knew what I meant. I am generally an inpatient person but am able to be really patient with my son before and after work and on the weekends. Also, the time I spend with him before and after work, I am usually able to be present and focus my attention on him. I think he gets more out of me spending 2 high-quality hours completely focused on him every weekday than he would if I spent 10 hours trying to multitask and being stressed, inpatient, and probably feeling unfulfilled.
Anonymous says
I recently told a friend I was expecting #2 and she asked if I was going to go back to work. As I told her, I’m a good mother BECAUSE I work. If I didn’t have that break during the day, I’d be a terrible mom.
Spirograph says
I am like you. Earlier this week, I actually said to another parent, as I was walking out of the building from a particularly dramatic daycare drop-off “sometimes, this is my favorite part of the day.” He looked at me like I was nuts, but whatever.
Any fans of The Office remember when Angela once said “I’ve always wanted two well-behaved boys.”? I thought it was funny pre-kids, but now I think it’s HYSTERICAL. I would love to stay home with well-behaved kids. And not that my kids are awful, but they’re typical toddler & preschoolers, and I just cannot keep up with their mood swings in long stretches. I like having structure, quiet, and dealing with adults for most of the day 5 days a week, it leaves me just enough energy to deal with 3 small children for most of 2 days on the weekend.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I feel this way as well. My 13 month old is exhausting! I feel like I spend all week looking forward to the weekend and then spend most of the weekend waiting for his naps/nighttime sleep (other than the brief moments of pure joy on his face). I both want to spend more time with him and don’t, if that makes sense. What helps me is reminding myself that my husband doesn’t feel this guilt at all (at least doesn’t express it). You know this, but a lot of pressure is put on moms to LOVE every second with their kids and ignores the fact that a lot of the work is tiring, boring and not very rewarding in the moment. My theory is that this intense societal pressure is a continued tool to keep women out of the workforce by making us feel guilty and thinking that we are solely responsible for how the kids turn out. See also: lack of a long enough leave forcing women to quit, lack of affordable day cares, etc. etc. Also, why doesn’t anyone ever consider the absentee workaholic dads?? Anyway, you’re not alone and you’re a great mom.
GCA says
^ THIS
Cornellian says
I’ve only been back at work and away from my nearly 5 month old for a week and a half, but I feel the same way.
In an ideal world I would work six predictable hours a day and be home with him.
H says
I’m similar. It is difficult for me to spend a full day with my LO, as much as I love him. I’m not very creative when it comes to keeping him occupied so that’s my challenge.
SC says
I feel this way as well. Also, we picked Kiddo up this afternoon from his last day of daycare (based on school year, with summer programs). His teachers gave us a book of laminated “art work” from the year. He has painted with feathers (big and small), dot markers, water colors, etc. They also keep a journal, which they send home every week, and his teachers said his favorite part of the day was the sensory table. Last week they put Legos in soapy water, and apparently that’s the best thing that happened to Kiddo all week. He’s also met lots of little friends, and we’re meeting parents at birthday parties etc. Basically, I have the warm fuzzies about Kiddo’s daycare, and they do lots of things that I would never think of or have the resources to do or really want to set up and clean up.
avocado says
We were planning a camping trip, but thunderstorms are predicted for the whole weekend so I am not sure what we’ll do. My husband will be thrilled for an excuse to cancel.
avocado says
That was supposed to be a reply to the thread about Memorial Day plans.
Edna Mazur says
I miss camping, but I don’t know that I’m brave enough to try it until the kids are a little older. Dad would want to fish the whole time, and chasing three under 3.5 around a campsite intimidates me.
avocado says
I wasn’t brave enough to try it until our only was 3.5 and not likely to run off or fall into the campfire.
Longtime reader says
Avocado, I’m not trying to troll here, but i want to note something because it’s the kind of thing that may not be evident to your real life network. And I say all this in a spirit of support and with good intentions. I am a longtime daily reader here, but not a poster. Between the small digs about your husband and the more overt requests for advice, it seems to me that you’re deeply unhappy in your marriage. I say this as someone who is just now coming out of a dark, year-long period that included daily fantasies about divorce or any scenario where I didn’t have to live with my husband, who has many great qualities but is a very difficult person with a real case of tunnel vision. He also has depression and anxiety which he has refused to treat for much of the last year. I just want to say that I hope you’re taking care of ourself as best you can, including seeing a therapist (it has been life changing for me at least). And things can get better! I didn’t think they could for us, but we are slowly making progress. Wishing you the best…
Anonymous says
To be fair…..this would 1000000% be me. I would agree to camping because kids! memories! traditions! and then totally turn around and be thrilled to cancel for rain. Looking for an excuse to cancel camping is normal in my book.
CLMom says
I have a 5 hour flight with a lap toddler this weekend. In what types of clothes would she be most comfortable?
Anon says
How old? In put them in really cute separates. easy to slip off for blowouts and you get a few sympathetic passengers who remark how cutely tye kid is dressed. bring lots of diapers, non sugar snacks and entertainment options (magna doodles, water wow books etc).
my first trip to Asia i we forgot to pack extra diapers- rookie mistake and it was a really awful flight.
CLMom says
1.5 years
NewMomAnon says
Ooh! Most international airports have “guest services” booths that have spare formula/diapers if you forget them! Ask me how I know.
CLMom says
Good to know, but I’m not flying international.
NewMomAnon says
It’s more the size of the airport, not your destination – a big enough airport will offer the services, but a smaller one might not. I’ve never flown international with my kiddo.
CLMom says
Gotcha. Yes, this are very large airports. If in a pinch, I will ask around.
Anonymous says
I’m a big fan of comfy dresses on a plane. Makes for sure easy diaper changes.
CLMom says
Would I need a cardigan? I don’t know if she will be hot from sitting/sleeping on me, or cold because it’s an airplane.
Anonymous says
I would probably throw a sweater in your bag in case it’s cold. Or just bring a small light blanket?
My just turned two year old has been on about 15 flights since she turned one. I have cursed many a pair of pants and shorts as I am trying to change her diaper either on the tiny (seriously so so so tiny) changing table in the tiny airplane bathroom or in the middle seat between me and my husband (with a diaper changing pad under her and as quickly as humanly possible). Dresses just seem less complicated to me at least!
anon says
Tunic or dress + leggings
Maddie Ross says
What time of day? For early flights, we go in our jammies still. Now that my oldest is a full-on preschooler, this often means shoes over footie jammies. Which is adorable. But two piece ones make changes easier for littles.
CLMom says
10:30am. Arrive 5:30pm (with three hour time difference).
I am preparing for all hellish scenarios to the Nth degree.
Mrs. Jones says
Don’t forget to carry on a change of clothes for YOU in case of spills, drool, etc.
P says
I have never done this, but I am a slob. :) I have usually brought an extra change of clothes for my daughter, but I’ve never had to use them.
H says
Leggings, t-shirt, sneakers and socks, and zip up hoodie in case it gets cold. Bring an extra set of clothes.
P says
I am the opposite of a packing minimalist, but we brought a decent size blanket whenever we flew. Usually because she was a lap child, everyone was just way too hot, but every now and then the a/c would be cranked up and the blanket would be fantastic. Other times, it got scrunched next to the window and made my daughter’s nap more comfortable.
Baby gift basket says
Any Euro moms out here? I want to assemble a care package for an expat and expecting mom in Europe- what are some things that you crave/wish for from America that you can’t get in europe?
so far I’ve got:
ketchup chips (we’re Canadian)
aden anais baby blankets
rakma says
When I was studying in Italy, we couldn’t find peanut butter anywhere. If it’s not an allergy concern, I’d stick in a jar of Skippy.
Anonymous says
Also Canadian and have lived in Europe.
Food – Crispy Crunch and Coffee Crisp bars, Swedish berries
Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch or other Munsch books. They are harder to find in Europe and the illustrations vary in different languages. I loved reading classics from my childhood to my kid.
If she’s Canadian – Vinyl Cafe books by Stuart McLean – they always make me laugh until I cry.
Cb says
Where is she? I find that baby clothing is cheaper / cuter in the US than here in the UK – with the exception of Boden, etc. I’ve had my mom bring some of the Skip Hop stuff as it is about double the price here.
ANON says
Germany. So no baby lotions, wooden toys and clothes. But English Board books are a great idea. Thanks!
Anonymous says
Definitely get Paper Bag Princess board book version. The illustrations in the German one are so very different it almost changes the story a bit.
Anonymous says
Will timbits go stale???
Pigpen's Mama says
How do you explain household help to your kids? We’ve got a housecleaning service that comes every two weeks (love those days, even if the pre-cleaning is a PITA), and while we’re usually out of the house, they arrived right when kiddo and I were leaving. We chatted a bit and then kiddo wanted to know why they were going into her house.
I have NO idea how to explain this in an age appropriate way — she’s ~ 2.5, btw and grasps the idea of cleaning up about as much as a toddler can. I’m also going to expect that when she’s older she has chores that involve basic housework (as well as some outdoor work as well), even though I anticipate having a cleaning service as long as we can afford it.
Thoughts?
anon says
She’s 2.5? Why would you need to explain that at such a young age? I’m assuming she sees you and your spouse doing daily maintenance around the house, even if you have professional help for bigger cleaning jobs. I feel like as long as you’re modeling what it means to care for your space and encouraging her help with small things, like picking up toys, that’s more than enough for a young toddler.
Pigpen's Mama says
Only because she noticed and asked (repeatedly) why someone was going into our house.
She does see us clean up, and ‘helps’ when asked. I’m trying not to fall into the ‘it’s easier to just do it myself’ trap.
Anonymous says
Daniel Tiger – ‘everyone’s job is important, everyone helps in different ways’. Mom and Dad work at jobs outside our house so we don’t have much time to clean. Cleaners have the job of cleaning houses. They are busy and have lots of work to do so we have to tidy our toys so they can clean the floors.
Also, I’ve been very clear with our older child that she cannot give instructions, only Mom and Dad can ask the cleaners to do certain things.
Pigpen's Mama says
Thanks — seems like DT always has a solution!
Anon says
Yes, and when they leave we say “they are going to the next house!”
Rainbow Hair says
Started humming the song before I got to your comment :)
Blueberry says
I struggle with this a bit, because I never had this growing up and don’t want my kids to feel like they are entitled to make a mess and have somebody else clean it up. I tell my 4-year-old that [housecleaner’s name] comes to help us keep the house clean, and we pay her to help us because that is her job. He’s never asked why, but I guess if he did I would say that it’s because the parents don’t have enough time to clean the house, and we get money from our jobs in order to pay her money to do her job? I think that’s probably a bit much for a 2.5-year-old to grasp. I don’t really talk to my 2.5-year-old about it, because she comes during the day while we are all out and I seriously doubt that he notices.
mascot says
Our rule (and my rule growing up) was that if your room is too much of a mess to be cleaned, then it gets skipped and you have to do it all yourself. Picking up the mess/clutter or wiping up a spill is a separate and distinct task from cleaning the dirt and we are only outsourcing the dirt cleaning. It’s a bit confusing for a little kid, but big kids can handle that distinction.
Blueberry says
Thanks, that makes a lot of sense and I’ll keep it in mind. For the time being, given that I don’t want to deal with the hassle of having to supervise my little kids with the vacuum, it doesn’t seem like a very strong incentive :)
anne-on says
This – we had cleaners growing up and we always had to tidy up before they came because my mom was very clear that it is the cleaners job to CLEAN (mop/vacuum/etc.) NOT put away your toys and if they cannot do their jobs because of your clutter, you will then be in charge of cleaning your room to MY specifications.
Ha – as an aside, we’ve also used this rule to great success with our current au pair who is not, shall we say, the neatest. I am not about to have a spoiled teenager (either mine or an au pair) assuming the cleaners are their to make their lives easier – nope, they are their to make my life easier ;)
Pigpen's Mama says
I am very concerned about entitlement — for this and a whole lot of other things, especially since it seems that middle class/upper middle class consumption/living standards have gone up considerably from when I was growing up.
I don’t think she’d get the time/money issue at this point, but I’ll keep it in mind for the future.
Anonymous says
There’s a lot in how you present it. I posted above about DT. I grew up with biweekly cleaners but my Dad came from a working class background and it was always made clear that cleaners were not ‘lesser’ in anyway. It was just a type of job. If the guy that cleans our offices wasn’t there and good at his job, I wouldn’t be as effective as a lawyer because I’d be wasting time taking out trash and vacuuming my office floor. My skill set is more specialized but that doesn’t mean his job isn’t important. When you really believe that, kids can tell.
Pigpen's Mama says
Good point. We’ve been making a point of modeling respectful behavior with waitstaff etc. when possible.
For annoying and non-excusable cultural reasons my father had the opposite opinion of any sort of service job — it was/is embarrassing and I hate that attitude. I saw a glimmer of it in the parent of one of my kid’s friends the other day, and cringed at the thought of my child thinking like that someday.
Anon says
Mine are home to see the cleaning crew and the landscapers (they just mow & blow). The landscapers are easy. I tell my kids that where we live, some people have tractors and now their own lawns, and some people don’t have tractors so they have someone else to do it with their tractor. We live in an area with 1 acre+ lots, so it’s pretty much ride on mower or landscapers. When we visit relatives, they have smaller lots and we say they have a push mower.
Our cleaning crew (2-3 people ever other week- they’re here for about 1.5 hours) we say comes to help clean the house. The day before the kids (well, the 4 y/o anyway, baby isnuseless) helps put away all the clutter and prep for the cleaning crew), and then when the house is done they always say “it looks so beautiful in here! And then destroy it. We explain that some people have the tools to clean their own house, and some people don’t so they have other people come and use their tools. I’ve also made a point to teach my kids *how* to deep clean even though I don’t do it regularly.
anne-on says
Good point – I’ve also explained (and modeled) that we are in charge of deep cleaning (cleaning out fridge, vacuuming and flipping sofa cushions, washing windows, etc.) and keeping things tidy on a daily basis (wiping down counters after cooking, washing dishes, wiping toothpaste blobs out of sinks) but that cleaners help with the bigger jobs so that we can spend more time with you on weekends.
TN says
Silly story: one day the woman who cleans for us had come while my kids were at daycare. When my husband brought them home, a toy was not where one of my kids had left it and he was upset. My husband said, “The cleaning lady came and cleaned today. She must have moved it. Let’s find it.” And my 3-year-old said, “Dad, her name is [Mary]!”
AnonMom says
What is your favorite pencil skirt? I wear pants exclusively and now I feel like switching to skirts and flats. Thanks!
AwayEmily says
Following! Would especially like a rec for a ponte one with a defined waist…I had one from target a million years ago that I still miss (it eventually pilled).
anon says
Favorite is a bit strong for these basic skirts, but I have two woven cotton pencil skirts from J Crew Factory that are perfectly adequate. If the fabric choices today are the same as the were 2 years ago, I prefer the basic cotton to the double serge cotton.
JEB says
Would you guys send your 2.5 year old on a charter bus without a restraint? Our preschool has several field trips this summer, and the transportation aspect makes me really uncomfortable. I understand people ride city busses all the time with their kids, so am I being silly?
Anon in NYC says
I don’t think you’re being silly. I wouldn’t feel comfortable either. I ride city buses with my kid, and at almost-2, she’s not capable of keeping herself on the seat if the bus stops abruptly. She still sits in my lap or next to me where I can hold onto her.
Is there an alternative? Is there a contingent of kids who will stay back and won’t go on the field trip / could you or your spouse take a half day and drive your kid?
Anonymous says
I don’t think you’re being silly. On city buses parents use carriers or strollers to help contain their kids or hold them on their laps. The ratios of parents to kids vs. caregivers to kids would likely be different. Have they done it before? What is their strategy to make sure kids stay seated? I have twins that are 2.5. One would sit perfectly, the other would be standing on the seat shouting excitedly while pointing out the window.
NewMomAnon says
Wait, is that a thing I’m supposed to worry about? Because if it wasn’t within tolerance levels for safety regulations, could the bus company/daycare even do it?
Anonymous says
Buses are often exempt from or have different rules around car seats/child restraint. I understand OP’s issue to be that even if there is technical legal compliance (bus company not required to use car seats), whether she feels it is a safe option.
Blueberry says
I’d talk to the preschool about your concerns and ask how they manage this. I’d probably be okay with it if they were okay with it, since I really trust their judgment. My normally wiggly 2.5-year-old is a lot more compliant at daycare, as are all other kids, I think. If I see them going for walks and obediently holding onto the little rope with all the other kids, I am partly terrified that my kid is going to break loose, but mostly amazed at how well behaved he is.
avocado says
I would ask the preschool about their safety protocol. I am very surprised that a preschool would use charter buses. Our preschool had special little buses with car seats and seat belts. I don’t think I’d be okay with a 2.5-year-old on a charter bus unless the kid were sitting next to a parent or other adult supervising one-on-one.
Spirograph says
My preschool uses charter busses for big field trips, too. They definitely go on the highway. I’m not sure whether they have seat belts, and while it did give me a bit of pause the first time, I decided it’s within my risk tolerance. Some parents were not comfortable with the bus, and decided to chaperone the field trip and have the kids ride with them in their cars.
The bus, honestly, is the highlight of the field trips for my son. All of the teachers ride in the bus, and I understand the kids are very well-behaved. There is so much structure in preschool that things I think are incredible (getting 18 3 year olds to go for a walk, all walking – not running – 2 by 2 holding hands and staying on the sidewalk, riding a city bus, etc) actually go off without a hitch because the kids know their limits and stay within them so. much. better in that setting than they do at home (where they push boundaries with parents).
anon says
Are they going on city streets or highways? I ride city buses with my son daily, but the traffic is such that we never get going very fast, which substantially reduces the potential risk I think.
To play devil’s advocate – is it any MORE safe for adults or older kids? At a certain point your child is probably going to ride one of those buses, and I am not sure it is inherently more dangerous for a small child than a larger one since there is no restraint system of any kind other than high backed seats.
JEB says
Thanks for the responses! I think I’m going to trust my instinct on this one and either chaperone/drive her or skip the trip. Luckily at this age, she won’t know what she’s missing!
As for the devil’s advocate question, I had the same thought. I mean, presumably, I’ll put her on a school bus without restraints at a certain age. That could also flip over and she could go flying. But I figure at an older age, she’ll be more compliant, sit in her seat, etc. so something like a fender bender wouldn’t be as big of a risk. Right now, she’s tiny and would probably go flying during a hard stop, even if she were behaving herself.
Pogo says
FWIW, my school bus growing up definitely had restraints. While none of the “cool” kids used them, I’m pretty sure I did because my mom put the fear of God into me.
anon says
Lately, I’ve been very down about how I’m balancing work and the rest of my life. After seven years as a working parent, you’d think I’d have this down. Our daily routine is fine. I wish I had more time with the kids before school and in the evenings, but it’s not an impossible schedule. We have a good daycare for our toddler and before/aftercare for our school-ager. What is getting to me is the mental strain of it all. I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m a project manager at work and recently moved into a project manager + leadership role. My work team is woefully understaffed and has been for more than a year, which is putting more pressure on me. It’s a lot of responsibility and although people say I’m doing well, I always feel close to dropping the ball on something. And then I come home, to two kids who I love and adore, but of course need so much. And there’s always the administrative part of family life and the emotional labor involved in pretty much everything. I get way grumpier than I’d like and I’m not proud of how much I’ve been losing my temper about small stuff.
I’m pretty unhappy. I don’t know if I’m dealing with anxiety/depression, or if I need to figure out a different plan for my life that involves an easier, less demanding job. (I work in higher ed, for an office with Very High Expectations.) My husband is a great partner and has stepped up a lot in the past year to relieve the pressure on me. We’ve limited our kids’ activities and have set clear boundaries for the hours we’re willing to work. I’ve tried upping the self-care. I’m an organized person in general. But it’s not making enough of a difference in how stressed I feel, and then I feel guilty for not enjoying anything very much.
I knew I was in trouble when I went on a solo vacation a few weeks ago and came back in worse shape than when I left. On vacation, I felt free and finally able to just be myself. Not a wife, mom, employee, or anything else. I had no worries about failing my kids or my job. Then I ended up taking a half-day last Friday to sleep and rest at home because I couldn’t keep going.
I am so freaking tired — just mentally drained — and I don’t know how to get out of this slump. What I’ve already done to address the problem is just scratching the surface. My husband is frustrated with my constant low mood and I don’t know how to explain any of this to him. I’ve tried, but I don’t think he realizes how awful I really feel. His solution is usually that I need to exercise more (ok, when?) and plan something fun with my friends. Sure, except that I have to organize it, which is a whole other issue that’s frustrating me. Having one more detail-oriented thing to do is not what I need right now.
Anon in NYC says
Hugs. I have no personal experience with depression, but it sounds like you should call your doctor. From what you wrote, you’re physically and mentally exhausted, unhappy, cranky, have a short fuse, feel guilty about not being able to pull yourself out of this slump, and only felt better when you were away from your normal life. I would call your PCP, tell them that, and ask for a referral to a therapist. It sounds like you could potentially use an anti-depressant for a period of time too – something to bring you to level, so you can figure out if you need a different plan for your life with a clear head.
Anon for this says
+1
I’ve had bouts of depression/anxiety, and I found being on an anti-depressant gave me enough of a boost that I could fix the situational problems.
farrleybear says
+2
I had severe PPD/anxiety, and anti-depressants combined with therapy helped level me out and feel less crushed/overwhelmed by my life. I’m off the meds now, but wouldn’t hesitate to go back on if I started to feel that way again. Hang in there!
anon says
I agree that it sounds like you may be depressed, have chronic anxiety, and/or have another physical problem going on – worth ruling out if nothing else.
If you do get together with friends or do something that you used to enjoy, are you still able to enjoy it? Do you feel hopeless?
anon says
I don’t think I feel hopeless, although I’m really tired of looking for the magic bullet that will make my life feel ‘together.’
When I get to see friends or do things I like, I’m still able to enjoy the experiences. I feel crummy again as soon as the activity stops.
Thanks for your kind words, everyone. I’m not proud of where I’m at.
anon says
Wait, why are you ashamed of feeling down? It isn’t a moral failing or weakness! You are struggling right now, that is okay.
It is good to hear you aren’t feeling really hopeless and still get some enjoyment out of fun activities – that implies to me that you aren’t severely depressed at least. But obviously something is wrong. Why not talk to your PCP and try to talk to a therapist? Both can help you sort out what is going on.
You absolutely may need to make some changes in your life, but you may need help to figure out what those are, especially if you are already experiencing physical symptoms of depression – it makes it really hard to make decisions and evaluate options clearly since every option seems bad. Keep in mind too that chronic anxiety can lead to full-on depression over time.
You are an worth more than what you achieve/produce – you are a valuable human being even when you are incapacitated or not at your best.
Anonymous says
I agree that it sounds like something is going on with you physically — when was the last time you had a physical? Make sure your iron, vitamin D, and vitamin B levels are all where they should be. Make sure you’re drinking enough water. Then start anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, to give you the happiness/energy/ability to start therapy. You don’t have to feel this way. Depression lies.
anon says
I almost had a breakdown last year when I was in a similar situation. I’m doing so much better now. The main thing for me was fully embracing the idea that I could not do it all and that there was no shame in getting lots and lots of help. We hired a house cleaner, a yard guy, and my husband took over food– he meal plans, grocery shops, and cooks all meals. I also committed to doing things more as they popped up, rather than waiting for a batch of things to do. I had always thought it was more efficient to do a lot of things in one fell swoop, but found that it was more stressful and used more mental energy to have things hanging over my head. I also stopped any unnecessary overachieving (no more homemade food when store bought will do) and purged a bunch of stuff out of my house. I routinized as much as possible. I get gas on the same day each week, no matter how full the tank is. I run the dishwasher every night. The more you routinize, the less you have to think and the fewer decisions you have to make. I recently started reading the Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress Free Living and I’m finding it very interesting.
I think the idea of self-care is a crock when you are in true-crisis-overload mode. What I needed at the time was not to care for myself. That was just one more thing that I was supposed to do and I was failing at. What I needed was for someone to care for me. The only person in my life who is truly nurturing is my sister, so I leaned on her a lot during that time. And then I started paying people to do the things that I felt like I was falling short on. And that helped tremendously. It’s been a long road, but I feel so much better than I did last year.
Anonymous says
“The more you routinize, the less you have to think and the fewer decisions you have to make.”
So much this. A few hacks – 1. every birthday party my kids attend – gift is a $20 TRU card. I keep a stack and a stack of generic birthday cards in a box in my closet. 2. I eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch (or a very similar version) every day. 3. I have a three week rotation of work clothes – update seasonally.
Re-entry is hard. We don’t travel a lot for work and when my DH was away for a week he found it hard to ramp up again. Getting a break sometimes makes you realize how hard the day to day is. Talk to your DH about outsourcing more. I have a teenage mother’s helper that comes and folds laundry after school. $50/week and I never change my sheets or fold/put away laundry. Let other stuff go – I ignored all requests for assistance with the school’s spring fair.
Don’t be too hard on your DH about “His solution is usually that I need to exercise more (ok, when?) and plan something fun with my friends.” I think men are better about self care because they are not socialized to put everyone else first. My DH said something similar and I was so frustrated until I realized that he views exercise and socialization the same way I view brushing my teeth. I always find time to brush my teeth – no matter what. Exercise has the same effect on my mental health as teeth brushing does on my dental health. My teeth aren’t sparkling white and my exercise routine could use more consistency but I’ve adopted DH’s guilt free approach to self care – if I miss the field trip or say no to a kid’s birthday party so I can go to yoga – that’s okay. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
All that said, if you feel that medication might assist you, definitely purse that as well. Sometimes medication can put you in a place to be able to make changes that will support your long term health.
anon says
Good ideas for routinizing stuff, and please keep the ideas coming! You make a good point about why re-entry is hard and I’d never thought of it that way before.
I know that I’m really hard on myself. Even though I know better, I put a ton of pressure on myself to be the perfect mom. Growing up, I never saw my mom taking care of herself at all. Until I became a mom myself, I didn’t realize how deeply messed up that was. I aware of that tendency now, but it’s like I forget when my stress levels are high in general.
CHL says
I feel this way a lot too. So mentally tired from managing everything with no down time and feeling like there’s no way to create downtime except to take PTO and send my kids to daycare. I thought about getting a virtual assistant to help (does anyone do this?) and my husband thought I was insane. But I would really love someone to help: schedule my doctor’s appointment, call my opometrist to get my prescription, make a meal plan, sketch out a vacation itinerary, find replacement tires for my kid’s bike, etc. Because all day long people need me at work, and then I go home and everyone needs me there!
Lorelai Gilmore says
Any recommendations for a travel agent? I would LOVE for someone to deal with vacation planning for me!
Name help! says
We are expecting our second daughter, and we don’t plan on having any more children. We have an 8 year old cat named Lizzy. Our top choices for the name for our second daughter are Elizabeth or Eliza. We would not be using Liz or Lizzy has a nickname because we are a “full name” family – neither of us or our older child use nicknames (though of course we can’t control what our children chose to do when they are old enough to make this decision). Would you go for it or is it too weird because of the cat? The names are otherwise perfect. We have a middle name picked out that is a family name and non-negotiable, so this is for a first-name-only question.
If anyone has thoughts on Elizabeth vs. Eliza I would love to hear them too!
AwayEmily says
I love Eliza and I don’t think it’s weird. We named our daughter the same (very unique) name as some of our close friends’ cat, and it’s mostly just hilarious.
Anon in NYC says
Both are beautiful. I think people will be less likely to automatically shorten Eliza to Liz or Lizzy.
anon says
Maybe a little weird, but if you truly love the name, I’d go for it.
Elizabeth and Eliza are both lovely, classic names! My DD’s middle name is Elizabeth.
avocado says
I love the name Eliza. It is much less likely to inspire people to use nicknames than Elizabeth, and it’s not that similar to the cat’s name.
I wouldn’t worry about the cat anyway unless you planned to call your daughter by the cat’s exact name or something very similar while the cat was still around. My husband’s childhood dog shared my daughter’s nickname. He was initially worried about this, but our daughter immediately replaced the dog in his mental map of name associations. He doesn’t think of the dog every time he hears our daughter’s name.
Edna Mazur says
I think the cat thing is awesome. I can see a very serious three year old correcting people that call her Liz about how that is a cat.
Agree with other commenters. Every Elizabeth I know gets shortened to Liz or Lizzy all the time, even if they actually prefer Elizabeth (there are strangely a lot of Elizabeth’s in my life). I think Eliza is much less likely to get shortened. I also love both names.
Name help! says
Thank you all. So happy to hear your thoughts. The convention of not sharing potential names has it’s reasons, of course, but sometimes you just need a third opinion. I’m going to lobby for Eliza!
AEK says
Do you care about a Hamilton-related “Eliza” boom? Otherwise go for it! I love the name.
Name help! says
With classic names like this I think there’s always bound to be associations – like Charlotte with the princess, or Emma with the Jane Austen novel or the baby on Friends. Doesn’t bother me!
Pogo says
Not to be morbid, and I say this as a huge cat lover, but Lizzy the Kitty will be around at most until Eliza/Elizabeth the Daughter is in middle school. Her name will be with her forever, long after kitty is gone.
I had a similar thought about a coworker whose kid has the name I’m in love with for my son. Even if we work together for the next 20 years (really unlikely), my kid is going to have this name forever – I don’t want to *not* pick it just because it happens to be the same as someone else’s kid.
Anon says
I’m an Elizabeth, and my parents never shortened it. But I chose to, in my teens, and no one has called me anything but Liz since then. So do be really ok with that possibility before naming your kid Elizabeth. At 4 syllables, it’s hard to resist the temptation to shorten.
Name help! says
Yes – we don’t hate Liz or anything, we just prefer full names. I knew an Elizabeth who went by Z. Kid can do whatever she wants once she’s old enough to have an opinion, I certainly can’t control that. My oldest currently insists on being called Sally because she loves the book Silly Sally. “No! I Sally!” *Stomp stomp*
TN says
Is no one else thinking of Indiana Jones? It worked for him to borrow the family pet’s name.
farrleybear says
Love this!
Anonymous says
Have you considered using “Elisabeth” instead of the spelling with a Z? That makes it clear the child can’t be “Lizzy”.
Also, this is why I hate it when people use “normal” people names as pet names. My MIL named her dog Sam, which was my number one boy name. So we had to change course when our first was born. (And in that case it would have been the nickname we used for Samuel, so definitely too close.)
Redux says
Isn’t Eliza a shortened version/ nickname for Elizabeth ?
RR says
I have an Elizabeth. Honestly, there are so many nicknames for Elizabeth that I find that people don’t default to Liz or Lizzy. I know Elizabeths that go by Liz, Libby, Betsy, Ellie, Beth, etc. So it hasn’t been an issue for us that people want to call her Liz.
H says
Do it. Don’t let anything stop you from naming your child what you want to name her.
P says
You asked for opinions, so – I prefer Elizabeth to Eliza, personally. I think you’re likely to end up with a nickname for either name. I like Ellie as a nickname for Elizabeth, although it could also work for Eliza.
S says
I have an Eliza. Named after her Aunt Elizabeth who goes by Lizzy, and we picked Eliza in part because we didn’t want her to end up also being nicknamed Lizzy. Our Eliza is still a pre-schooler but people call her by her full name. (As an aside, my aunt named her first after her recently deceased dog and the consensus was that was a sweet – not weird – thing to do).
AwayEmily says
Nursed for the last time this morning! I fly out for a four-day work trip this afternoon so we decided to take the opportunity to wean the 14-month-old. I’m sad but definitely think it’s time (especially since I’m 6 weeks pregnant). Any thoughts on whether I need to bring the pump? I can probably just hand-express if things get uncomfortable, right? I have not had mastitis or clogged ducts at all, so I’m hoping that means I’m not prone to them. For the last month I’ve been nursing morning and evening — my sense is that she doesn’t have much in the PM but has a fair amount in the AM. Feeling excited/sad/nervous. Any other weaning advice (for me or for the kid) is welcome, too!
LegalMomma says
Probably fine to just hand express as necessary. My D self-weaned at 14 months (I was 4 months pregnant) without any real warning (we were really just nursing in the morning/evening at that point and had skipped some sessions) and I didn’t need to pump or express at all. I think I had an easier time with the hormones of weaning because pregnant – hope that is true for you as well!
AwayEmily says
Thanks! I really hope that is the case — I have heard the hormonal part can be rough.
avocado says
A piece of anecdata for encouragement: when my kid self-weaned from nursing 2x/day, I had no hormonal fallout. I am crossing my fingers that you are similarly lucky!
Anon in NYC says
Same – my daughter self-weaned at 15 months and it was a non-event for me.
anne-on says
I think you’ll be fine hand expressing. I only had to do that once or twice after weaning (usually first thing in the morning, and being in a warm shower also helped). Good luck!
AnonMN says
When I weaned at this age (similar situation to yours, going from morning and evening to nothing) I didn’t need to pump either time. The only thing I struggled with was the hormonal fallout, I literally thought I had the flu, both times, it was a little crazy.
Cornellian says
Haven’t weaned, but I got a medela hand pump for just under $20 on amazon. Since you have a second kid coming, it probably won’t be wasted money.
Boston Legal Eagle says
How is everyone dealing with the latest bombing attach in Manchester? All attacks like this are horrible, but the fact that there were so many kids killed and injured makes it that much more painful. I don’t want to live my life in fear of everything my kid does but at the same time, how can I not?
avocado says
My kid told me she’d heard about it and asked if it were true that a number of children had been killed. I had to explain that yes, there were children killed and the assailant probably targeted a place where there were lots of children because he was looking to commit the most terrible type of crime he could think of. I found this attack particularly disturbing because we have taken our kid to big concerts and would have no problem letting her go to a concert like this one with another family, or just with a group of kids a few years from now. Also because in a couple of years she will be at the age where she has an opportunity to go on overseas group trips and things like this make me think there no freaking way I am letting her go to England or Europe without my being there to fend off the bad guys.
Newtown was the worst for me because my kid was in the same grade as the kids there. Her Girl Scout troop did an art project to send to the troop that some of the kids had belonged to, and it was a challenge to explain to them why they were making these gifts without explaining exactly what had happened.
Anonymous says
My school was affected by a major tragedy when I went there (being intentionally vague) and many other schools from all around the country sent us giant posters and art projects showing support. Having them all over when we returned to the building helped, even though we didn’t want to admit it at the time because we were all pretending to be ok. It’s great that you did this and I’m sure it was appreciated it.
Anon says
I can’t formulate my thoughts to give you a coherent reply but we have to stop expecting people to “be ok” after this stuff. People who live through it don’t have to be ok. The terrorist’s don’t win because we are legitimately traumatized by the bad stuff that happened. I was in Boston and so alienated by the “Boston Strong” stuff. I’ve posted about that on the main page before and other people chimed in and said they knew people that experienced the same thing. I’m not weak because I’m afraid of crowds now.
Anonymous says
So with you. Never forget! As if.
Blueberry says
This isn’t the most uplifting answer, but when I get freaked out about this kind of thing, I remember that we’re all a lot more likely to die or be injured in car accident, and I’m not particularly scared of getting in the car… I think there’s no way to not live in fear that something terrible will happen to your kid, but living with that (while of course teaching them to be safe and responsible and not letting them do crazy stuff) is just part of being a parent.
Betty says
I agree with this. It is ok to be heartbroken and at the same time, to reassure ourselves with the statistics. Europe is still by and large safe, as are concerts, schools, we and our children. As with so much of parenting, especially in this age where every tragedy is live, in HD and on social media, take reasonable precautions but we don’t live in fear. Also, in the words of Mr Rogers, look for the helpers. The NYT has a wonderful but gut-wrenching article on a young homeless guy who ran towards the scene after he heard the explosion to help.
CPA Lady says
There is a chapter in Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection that deals with this exact issue. She basically says that being afraid will never change what’s going to happen, it will just keep you from enjoying the time you do have with your child.
I had a lot of really legitimate fears growing up that I wont rehash here. But long story short, none of the things I was most scared of happened. So I spent years and years terrified out of my mind, and nothing I was afraid of actually happened. I look back on that time with compassion and sadness for myself, but it’s also brought me to the realization that I can’t continue to live my life in fear. When I start churning with anxiety, thinking about all the things that could possibly happen to me or my kid, I tell myself “You are allowed to be afraid when something actually happens. Until then, cut it out.” It helps me to limit my anxiety. I also don’t read news stories about stuff like that.
(former) 3L mama says
Booking flights soon for a trip with my husband and daughter, who will be 26 months at the time of the trip. All flights to the destination are on planes with seats like this:
AB C
Would you book a whole row (AB C) or two in one row and one seat behind/in front, e.g.
AB
B
?
Daughter is a reasonably good traveler; we will not have her car seat.
Anonymous says
Definitely whole row.
Anonymous says
Argh – posted too soon. Definitely whole row plus seat on other side of aisle. She can stand in the aisle in between you when she wants to stretch her legs and much easier to go back and forth vs peeking over seat.
Sabba says
We do AB and A. But if we didn’t have the car seat, with all the kicking of the front seat that goes with it, I would do AB and then a seat really far away for the other parent. My child is not the best traveler, so we take turns keeping her entertained. For connections, we trade off. The parent not sitting next to the child usually needs a break. Sitting far away would ensure they get if.
Sarabeth says
If you do two rows, do
A
AB
and not
AB
A.
That way, the kid is kicking her own parent’s seat. Nothing stresses me out on planes more than trying to keep my kid from kicking the seat in front of her.
NewMomAnon says
Well, I’ve been dating as a single, working mom. Can I just say, right now it feels soul-sucking? Between guys asking for racy pictures and being generally insecure about dating a woman with more education/more earning potential, it’s…ugly. Apparently the pool of guys who want to date an educated, high earning woman with a child is small (especially a woman who is the opposite of tall, skinny, blond, large-chested, and five years younger than me).
It’ll be OK, right? Plus side: I’m learning how to draw a hard line on a lot of awful behaviors.
Blueberry says
Oof, I can’t say I envy you, but one plus is that the second time around, you must have a better sense of what you’re looking for and less patience for guys that are not what you are looking for (as evidenced by your comment — so maybe think of this negative reaction as a good sign…), plus more confidence (I bet! Even if it doesn’t feel like it! You are a bad*ss single, working mom!). Good luck out there!
Anonymous says
It is so horrible. I decided I was only going to look for s3x for a while, and once I regained confidence that I didn’t “need” a man, I was able to start dating interesting people. (Ok, “interesting” is a strong word for any of the dates I went on.) I ended up connecting with a former law school classmate who was also enduring his own divorce, and can I just say, this relationship is ONE BILLION times better than my marriage?! NewMomAnon, it is so worth it. Dating sucks, you’ll have to take breaks whenever it gets overwhelming, but oh man the light at the end of the tunnel is so bright. XOXO –(former) preg 3L
Cornellian says
Whoa, preg 3L, I remember you. I disappeared for a while with a job change and my own pregnancy, but it’s nice to see you around.
PEN says
anyone still reading today?
I need advice/tips for working at home while the kiddos are there with nanny/au pair. Today was the first go and it went really well, until nap time, when the kids freaked out bc they wanted me to do the naptime routine and not the au pair. Given, there is a lot of transition with this being the au pairs first week (kids previously in daycare).
Is this just a transition period and the kids will get used to it? or do we need a better plan?
Anonymous says
The kids will get used to it. I’ve never done this, but to me it seems like, you should do a week (or two) of naptime routine yourself, with the au pair there to observe/join in as much as possible, so the kids don’t feel anxiety about going down for a nap despite being at home instead of at daycare (my kid never naps at home). Then, you should probably plan to be out of the house for an hour or two, starting 30 minutes before nap time, for the following 2-4 weeks. The kids will insist on YOU as long as they know they can.
Anon says
Physically, where are you? I WFH and literally do not see my children most days, by design. I am at work. My kids have learned they can’t go in the office when I’m working. Nanny keeps fhem away from the office emerald but it’s one of our bedrooms so sometimes they are upstairs. I make a point to keep the door locked and get my meals when they are doing something else.
AnonMom says
Do any Mountain View (SF Bay Area) moms know of any backup childcare or emergency daycare options?
My regular childcare is unavailable on friday and DH i need to go in.
We don’t have any parent friends in the area (Unsolicited advice: Do not have kids if most of your friends are still single!!)
Anonymous says
Not local but in this situation DH and I have traded off half days – even doing drop-off/pick up switch over at one of our offices to make the meeting timing work with the commute.
E says
My firm has an arrangement with Bright Horizons for backup care, but I’ve never used it. I think you are required to preregister.
You could also try Stanford Park Nannies. Similarly, you have to pre register, so you should try to do it today. Not cheap.
Try posting on Next Door; it’s a good time of year to score a college student home for the summer.
Good luck! I also don’t have any relatives local (and although I have friends with kids, I wouldn’t be able to ask them to take off work to babysit….)
Town & County says
Hi Neighbor! Town & Country Resources. I’ve used them several times.
Town & County says
Also, how old is your kid? Can we be friends?
AnonMom says
Hi OP here! My kid is 20 months. What are town and county resources?
AnonMom says
Also, Yes! Would love to meet up IRL . Do you have an anonymous email?
Town & County says
It’s a nanny/temp staffing agency https://www.tandcr.com/ and I don’t currently have an anon email. Do you? My kid just turned 2.
Anon says
Cross-posting this from the main s!te for any input. I’m in my third trimester with our first child and my husband and I had an enormous fight last night. I’m devastated. We very rarely fight or even argue, but the approximately twice per year that this happens tends to be awful.
We were raised in two different cultures; he is Indian and I am from the UK. Our fights almost always center on the clash of cultural expectations between his parents and I. He wants his parents (who live a 24-hour flight away) to stay with us for three weeks when our baby is around 1-2 months old. Because of the culture clashes, I have made it clear that I prefer their visits to be limited to two weeks max and that he take time off from work when they are here so I am not left alone with them. Background in short: they really dislike that I am not of their ethnicity or religion. When I have had “alone time” with them in the past, they redouble their efforts to convert me to their religion despite being told that’s not going to happen, and they also constantly pressure me to alter my appearance so I fit in better with their culture. I suspect this (particularly the religious pressuring) is going to worsen significantly once a child enters the picture. FWIW, my husband does defend me to his parents and reinforces the cultural and religious boundaries, which is why they are worse when he is not present.
Last night when I brought up limiting their visit I tried to point out why a time limitation is especially important since the degree of difficulty will be high enough just trying to adjust to having a newborn. He countered by saying that normally in his culture, his parents would expect to come and stay with us for SIX MONTHS, and he felt that three weeks was already a substantial compromise. I said that six months isn’t a “visit”, that’s “moving in with someone,” and that I wouldn’t want even my own parents, who are problematic for entirely different reasons, staying with us for several weeks. (I also made it abundantly clear before we got married that none of our parents are to move in with us.) I’m very anxious about becoming a parent myself, and his parents stress me out under the best of circumstances. I want to be culturally sensitive, but I don’t want to sacrifice my sanity in the process. I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable, and any advice is also very much appreciated.
anon says
I don’t think you are unreasonable at all, but I do think that the introduction of the child may take a lot of focus off you – they may completely ignore you in favor of doting on the baby.
Compromise ideas:
-He takes off the entire 3rd week of their visit, or half of the first week and half of the third week
-He lays down ground rules before they come with specific consequences – if you bring up x, we are going to have to ask you to stay at a hotel (or whatever); this topic is simply not open to discussion with either of us under any circumstances.
-You agree to wait until the baby is closer to 6 months old for them to visit
-You agree to wait to determine how long they can visit until the baby arrives and you both see how you feel about parenthood – it is really hard to predict
Anon says
I would absolutely love it if the baby distracted them from my shortcomings as a daughter-in-law :). I’m going to let things cool off a bit and then propose some of the compromised (and thank you for the ideas!)
Anonymous says
This is so hard. You’re not being unreasonable but I can understand why it’s hard for your DH as well. He’s used to a very different set of cultural expectations around parenthood and birth.
Can you compromise on 2.5 weeks and use airline prices as an excuse – like they arrive late on a Thursday and leave early on a Tuesday? That’s one of my favorite combinations with my MIL. DH should be off for the majority of the time they are here, see if he can arrange to work from home when he does work. That way he can eat lunch with you etc. So he’s off MWF and working from home T/TH plus off day of arrival and departure if those are T/TH. If they are really pushy on the three weeks, can DH take them to visit a nearby city for a few days in the middle to break it up for you.
Establish early on (via phone calls) that baby only nurses well if alone in the nursery with you. This gives you a non-confrontational reason to have baby to yourself in baby’s room multiple times a day. You will be a new mom so also perfectly acceptable to sleep when baby sleeps. Don’t feel obliged to chat. Develop one standard short response to when they push on religion (Thank you but as DH has told you, I’m not interested in converting and I don’t want to discuss it.) Use the exact same response every time they raise it.
A post-partum doula can also help enforce household routine and buffer the in laws. Can you have a PP Doula be around for a half day A stranger’s presence can help buffer bad behavior by in laws. e.g. pp doula can wash/fold laundry.
This is really hard and it will take a while to figure out the right balance for your family. My MIL (different culture- we do not get along) visits annually for three weeks. And we spend three weeks a year visiting DH’s family (staying with BIL/SIL). It’s not easy but it’s a million times easier than it is for my BIL/SIL who live next door to MIL.
Anon says
Thank you–I’m going to steal the 2.5 week idea! I have been looking into a post-partum doula but didn’t think of utilizing them as a buffer as well, but this is also a wonderful idea.
Anonymous says
post back more in you need other ideas. I’ve kept MIL occupied with making recordings of herself reading children’s books in her language and in cooking food to freeze for after she’s gone so the baby can taste their culture’s food via BM. These things are not more work for you (DH can take her food shopping) and make her feel included/valued. Like with kids – quality of time can help offset quantity of time.
Anon says
Oh, I LOVE the children’s books idea! I will definitely do this (I think my FIL might even get in on that too!)
Blueberry says
Woah you are brilliant. Why didn’t I think of these years ago? Totally stealing these for the next time my in-laws visit.
RDC says
Ditto – brilliant!
Anonymous says
My MIL, who I really like under other circumstances, came for two weeks shortly after one of my kids was born. My husband didn’t take much time off, he was home for a day or two, but mostly I was home alone with her and the baby. It was so uncomfortable for both of us. I was really upset with my husband for not spending time with her and keeping her “occupied.” I just wanted to relax, sleep, read, whatever (I’m an introvert, obviously) alone with the baby, and instead I felt either obligated to do stuff with MIL, or guilty that I was doing something alone and she was sitting in a separate part of the house also awkwardly alone. I didn’t feel comfortable nursing in front of her, which made that much more of an ordeal than it needed to be, since I’d have to remove myself to a different room. Postpartum hormones are no joke. Recovery, even from a routine delivery, is no joke (this may not be as much of an issue after 1-2 months, but still). Especially with your first child, you will just want to be in your comfort zone, around people with whom you’re 100% ok being yourself. I am all for involving in-laws, but like you said, your sanity has to come first. Processing becoming a mother is different for everyone, it’s not a trivial thing, and it’s not something *I* wanted to do with an audience. If you feel the same way, it’s kind of horrible for your husband to try to force that on you.
Do your in-laws need to stay in your house? If it’s at all affordable, maybe could you could find a short-term rental for them somewhere nearby. They’ll be local, which is already a world better than a 24 hour flight away, but you’ll be able to manage how present they are in your day-to-day life if you need to. They can come over for dinner and meet up with your family during the day on occasion, but you’ll maintain your home as your safe, private space.
P says
This is really hard – and I’ve heard similar stories from white people who have married into an Indian family.
An extra set of hands – or two – can be extraordinarily helpful with a newborn. Are they the sort of people to really jump in and help out? Or will they expect you to entertain them? That would really influence my decision.
How long is your maternity leave? It would be ideal if they could be around when you are transitioning back to work, especially if they are the helpful types.
If they do come while your husband is working, it would be helpful to establish a routine in which you have a two-hour break once your husband is home from work (maybe 5 to 7 pm, since infants don’t have a fixed mealtime like toddlers do) in which you could go work out, take a walk by yourself, and generally get out of the house. DH and his parents will have dinner for you when you get back.
P says
Just saw from the main page that they don’t help. Scratch that, completely, 100% unreasonable for your husband to want them to be here while you are on maternity leave and he is at work, unless you have a fabulous post partum doula who is there for most or all of the day while your husband is at work. (Can you get a fabulous Indian post partum doula who will take your side??)
FWIW I think you will be a lot less anxious after childbirth and the passage of 1-2 months. Third trimester tends to be an anxious time. The first month postpartum is a mess of hormones etc. You’ll have a little bit of a rhythm after 6 weeks postpartum – you got this.