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After a bumpy ride back from the farmers’ market, I’ve often found a cracked melon or two in my car.
This car organizer should solve my melon problem. It folds down flat when not in use for easy storage. It also features straps to help keep your things in place, multiple compartments to fit anything from sports equipment to groceries, top handles for carrying, and a waterproof interior. You can even connect two of them to make a super-organizer.
This will definitely be a step up from the old diaper boxes I’m using to corral things in my car.
This organizer is $25.99 and available at Amazon.
Sales of note for 3.28.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
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Kid/Family Sales
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
snarkclerk says
I just need to vent to an understanding audience. I am so tired of moms around me being shocked that I would leave my 2 year old “alone with my husband/his dad” to -GASP- go on a two-day trip with a girlfriend.
Whenever I casually mention the trip and say that I am excited to go, it begins:
– What? My husband has never even put my kid to bed alone (talking about her 3 year old here)
– My husband could not handle being alone with kid for more than a few hours.
– Oh no, what will they even eat all weekend ?!
– This must be so hard, surely it is the first time you leave you son, right?
(For the record, it’s not. I stayed at a hotel the night before the bar exam because I needed good sleep).
That’s what maternal gatekeeping looks like, right?
Anonymous says
That’s the worst. FWIW DH took 6 months off after 1st kid when I went back to work and 1 year off with the twins when I went back to work. With the twins, little old ladies would straight up stop him in the grocery store and ask him if he was okay and where the mom was. And when he took them for vaccinations – the nurse asked 6 times in a half hour if the mom was coming too.
DH took 1st kid to visit his family in Europe a week ahead of when I joined them. A week in another country including long distance flights. They were fine and I was fine. A two day trip is nothing. You will have a great time.
I’d be so tempted to respond to those moms with a ‘so your DH is more like babysitter than a parent? My DH wouldn’t allow me to treat him like that. He wants to be a fully involved parent.”
Cb says
We alternate vaccinations and the dentist, and the nurses act like he is some sort of hero. Where is my adulation? My kid loves vaccines though because we’ve trained him to associate a vaccine with a donut…when I got my covid vaccine, he said “don’t forget to get your donut!”
Cute! says
This is freaking adorable.
AwayEmily says
Maternal gatekeeping is such a great phrase, I hadn’t heard that before. During my first work trip after my second was born, I was chatting with another mom in the airport pumping room. She was like “this is tough — it’s my first time leaving my little one!” and I said “Same for me, and I already miss him so much.” She said “It’s sooo hard when they are so young! Mine is almost two, how old is yours?” I answered “Three months.” She gave me this absolutely HORRIFIED look and turned her entire body away from me and stopped talking to me. Thanks for the solidarity, lady.
Anon says
Pumping for a 2 year old is wild. I nursed until 18 months but I’m pretty sure nothing was coming out at the end and it was just to comfort my kid. Unless your kid is barely eating solids I can’t imagine producing anything with the pump.
Anonymous says
lol this is amazing, and good for you. One of my good friends just took her first trip sans-kids a couple months ago. Her oldest is 8.
Anonymous says
I don’t like this judging of people who choose not to travel without their kids (and fwiw it’s not always a choice – finding childcare for an overnight trip can be complicated). You’re no better than the OP’s friends. Most of the anecdotes here, including the one you’re replying to, are supporting women who want to travel without their kids without bashing women who choose not to. I don’t think bashing someone who didn’t travel until her oldest child was 8 is kind or relevant to this discussion.
anon1 says
+1, seriously it’s no different.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry you felt like it was bashing, but that’s not how I meant it. To my friend, the woman who left her 2 year old would have been worthy of the horrified stare. It’s all relative.
Anonymous says
It’s all performative. The standard of modern womanhood is to be 10x more efficient and effective at work than non-mothers while also being a slave to your children and spouse. You must be a superachiever who also does not exist an individual person.
Fair warning, though–your children will internalize society’s expectations of you as a mother no matter how hard you and your husband work to model egalitarian parenting. Just wait until your teenager blames all the problems in their life on the fact that you sent them to after-school and day camp and left them with dad while you were on business trips. You just can’t win.
Anonymous says
Meh. My mom was a more high-powered executive than my dad, and she had to do a lot of work trips/worked on our vacations/sent me to camps and aftercare. I may have been annoyed about it when I was younger (esp. the working on vacations), but as I got older I definitely appreciated her dedication to her career and I had some great experiences at those camps + with my dad!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Teenagers will complain about everything. That doesn’t mean there isn’t value in modeling egalitarian parenting. I grew up without the “mommy martyr” model at home (despite it being prevalent in society) and now don’t see my role as being a super sacrificing mom.
But yeah, OP, that is the worst and so annoying to be around talk like that. I feel like a smug married or something when I’m like – no, actually, my husband is perfectly capable of taking care of his children, cooks all of our meals anyway and wants me to have time to myself, and I’m actually really happy in my marriage.
Anon says
+1 to teenagers complain about everything. You don’t think the terms of SAHMs complain to mom about how they can’t do XYZ expensive thing because mom doesn’t earn income? OF COURSE they do. Or even if dad earns a ton and money’s not a limiting factor at all, they get sick of having mom around all the time. I had a working mom but she was home with me in the summers and I straight up told her I was sick of always having her home and I wanted her to go to the office and leave me alone like my friends’ moms. Not nice, but that’s what teenagers do! Don’t internalize the complaints, they’re not really about you.
Anon says
*the teens of SAHMs.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yup. When I taught high school in an affluent district (where most families with SAHMs didn’t have to make major financial sacrifices), I would overhear complaints from students that their moms gave them no space and “needed to get a life” more than a few times. My mom worked and I loved that I had time after school by myself to decompress.
anne-on says
I mean, if that’s an actual example I think I would first, laugh my head off, and then send said teenager to do a LOT of volunteer work while stripping them of their electronics and handing them a dumb phone until they can understand that working while being a mother is not a ‘choice’ for most of the world and if they want to play stupid (blame) games they get to win stupid prizes.
Anon says
Agreed, this teen needs a reality check.
anon says
Seriously. She wouldn’t have gotten to go to nice programs if both parents hadn’t been working.
Anon says
Serious question – why don’t you talk about the patriarchy and her internalized misogyny with her? Why don’t you ask her where is the judgment for her dad working outside the home or going on business trips? Why don’t you talk to her about famous women like RBG and how much worse our society would be if these women had given up working because their children didn’t want to go to day camp? Why don’t you talk to her about your work and how personally fulfilling it is for you, and explain that you want to a role model to show her that she can maintain her own hobbies and interests if and when she has a family? Why don’t you talk about the downsides of one parent being financially dependent on the other parent, as well as the impact to your family of going without your salary? Surely there are things in her life that she enjoys that you wouldn’t be able to afford on one salary? Point these things out to her. A teen is more than old enough to have these conversations with. My daughter is 3 and understands that there are certain things we only have because both daddy and I go to work and earn money. I’m confused why you’re just accepting this attitude from her.
Anonymous says
Have you met teenagers? You can tell them all these things and they can understand them and still resent you.
Anon says
If they genuinely understood all these points, they wouldn’t be resentful, or would at least recognize that internalized misogyny is the root of the resentment. I never once resented my mom for working and none of my friends did either. Doesn’t mean we didn’t complain though. It’s just what teens do, as others said.
I also wonder if you have regrets about not staying home or resentment about not being able to, if that’s what you wanted? Societal messages aren’t irrelevant but most kids internalize their parents views infinitely more than anything else, and if you feel resentful about having to travel for work or whatever your child is likely picking up on it.
Cb says
OMG…I hate this. I snapped at someone who snidely questioned me. “I wouldn’t have had a baby with an moron, of course they will be fine!” It’s just this weird mom-shaming, my husband is a fully equal parent. Will they eat pasta with ketchup for dinner? Yes. Do I take my kid to takeaway sushi and ice cream when my husband is gone? Also yes.
I travel a decent amount for work (or did in the beforetimes) and tacked on an extra few days in a cool city. My MIL came up for part of it because a week solo is hard on mom or dad.
Anon says
“Will they eat pasta with ketchup for dinner? Yes. Do I take my kid to takeaway sushi and ice cream when my husband is gone? Also yes.”
Love this, we’re similar. Everyone cuts corners when solo parenting.
Anonymous says
This is what jealousy looks like.
Pogo says
+1 I get this all the time in my moms group when people have to go to the hospital for their second baby and are like, zomg, how do I prepare DH/parents to solo-parent my 2 year old for a couple days?
You mean like when I went to a bachelorette party at 5weeks pp? lolz. hashtag noregrets. She is my best friend to this day, and I am so glad I went.
Anonymous says
Agree with this.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yes, jealousy and trying to convince themselves that they made the right choice in denying themselves for the sake of their kids (though I don’t think it’s in the interest of anyone for a mother to give up her own interests).
Ifiknew says
I think you’ll get a lot of these responses here because most people here are in equal types of jobs and share responsibilities equally and that helps dad be well versed in kid duties. If you had a sahm and a dad who worked a “big” 50+ hours a week, I think the responses will be different. It’s wrong to act like this is the way it needs to be where moms can’t leave these kids and be martyrs but I do think mom’s and dad’s don’t have equal levels of comfort with the children if one does a lot more childcare in the sahm type scenario
Anon says
Agreed. I also don’t think this always comes from a place of jealousy. Sometimes, maybe. But a lot of women truly cannot imagine and would not want to leave their kid even if their husband told them he was fine with it. Doesn’t mean they should be judgy to others, but I think the “they’re just jealous” response is equally judgy/rude.
Anon says
I had a father who was raised with a SAHM and who chose to raise a family as the breadwinner with a SAHM. He can’t manage to get himself a glass of water. I’ve never met a more helpless person in my life. If my mom had to go somewhere and leave us with him (rare), she’d leave food that we could prepare for ourselves AND for him, as he was less capable than a 6 or 7 yo in the kitchen. Even now, with no kids in the house, he can’t be left on his own.
To give an idea of how far back it goes, my grandmother sent him to college with enough socks and underwear for an entire semester so he wouldn’t have to do laundry. After he graduated, she’d come visit every few weeks to do his laundry. When he married in his late 20s, he’d never run a load of laundry. And he’s now in his 60s and still hasn’t.
anon says
My dad (age 72) is similarly helpless. As a kid, I felt so much anger on my mom’s behalf, because it was pretty obvious that life would not run if she were not doing literally all the household stuff. That has affected me to do this day; I always feel like I should be doing more as a mom. Because my mom was able to handle it. Which makes ZERO sense because my mom didn’t work outside the home until all of us were older (me in high school, youngest kid in upper elementary).
Anon says
I have a similarly helpless dad, although my mom worked outside the home for most of my childhood. It is causing serious issues in their marriage now, because he has some (annoying but not life-threatening) long-term health issues and wants my mom to give up traveling and going out to stay home and take care of him. My mom wants to hire him help so she can travel. They are both extremely resentful and angry at each other all the time. I think he’d be threatening divorce if it weren’t for the fact that he’s rational enough to realize divorce would leave him more alone and wouldn’t fix the problem. It’s very sad to see.
Cora says
My grandparents are like this too. When my sister was maybe 10 years old she would be at home with him during the summers sometimes, and SHE would bring HIM snacks and tea, not the other way around.
At some point these men have to feed themselves right? If your mom really left your dad at home over the weekend, didn’t prepare any food etc – what would he do?
Anon says
I’m Anon at 10:04 with the parents currently fighting about my mom’s travels. My dad doesn’t cook and used to go out to eat every meal (often fast food) when my mom would leave town. His current health issues prevent him from going out, and he refuses to learn how to use DoorDash or another delivery service, so he’s telling my mom she has to stay home and cook for him. It’s insane.
anon says
My father tends to do ridiculous things if you leave him to fend for himself. Microwaving metal. Chopping straight on the counter and ruining the counter and knives. Leaving the stove on and scorching pans. We’ve long suspected that it’s his passive aggressive way of showing that he’s mad he was asked to fend for himself, but it is what happens.
He also will give up on trying and spend the weekend eating only bagged lettuce out of the bag until he feels like crap, then when my mom gets home she has to care for a “sick” husband.
He also does zero picking up after himself, so there will be dirty plates, cups and bowls randomly scattered and piled everywhere. Food left out to spoil. You name it. He tried to cook chicken once and left the bloody packaging sitting on the counter stinking for days until my mom got home.
Anonymous says
Why do people stay married to A-holes like this? You act like this then you can live alone the rest of your life.
Anonymous says
It’s generational, though. Things are changing. slowly and unevenly, but changing. I’m fairly certain my grandpa would either not eat, or subsist on toast if my grandma were away for a weekend. They’re in their 90s, and I doubt he’s ever cooked a meal.
My grandma told me about how she was invited to a Q&A in a college class to talk about what it’s like to be married for 60+ years. Apparently the class was asked to write some response papers about their takeaways, which the professor shared with her. One of them said “it sounds like the key to their successful marriage was just her doing whatever her husband wanted,” and she was a little sad and resigned that it was true… then commented that she was glad my mom (former sahm divorced from my helpless but successful breadwinner dad) stuck up for herself, and she’s even more glad my husband and I seem to share the load so well. It’s not that our parents and grandparents *wanted* to have an unequal marriage, but it was so outside the norm and there was only so much swimming-upstream they could do. It’s less extraordinary now, thankfully, and I can only hope that things will be even better by the time our kids are adults.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, agree with anon 11:01 above that they stay married because, I’m guessing, to these women, marriage means taking care of everyone around you, including your helpless husband. And complaining to your friends about your useless husbands as a way of commiserating. Whereas to me, marriage means an equal partnership with my best friend and who, if I were really complaining so much about, I’d be questioning why were together. And also I can leave more easily because I make my own money.
anon says
If you haven’t worked a job in 15-40 years, what would divorce even look like? By the time the kids were old enough for my mom to come up for air and to realize how useless my father was, she was pretty darn stuck. It was easier to keep cooking and cleaning and live in a nice house with a nice life. Now my parents have enough savings to be reasonably comfortable in retirement, but would lose a ton of their standard of living if they had to pay for two households. Leaving isn’t exactly an attractive option.
(She was fortunate there was never infidelity to force the issue.)
Anon says
My mom works and actually earns more than my dad, so in her case it wasn’t at all about not having money or resources to leave. I think part of it is believing you can’t leave a marriage for any reason except abuse or infidelity, but also my mom wanted a child more than my dad so she signed up for parenthood knowing she was going to do virtually all of the work. I shouldn’t judge too harshly because I actually sort of had the reverse agreement with my husband, who wanted a baby more than I did and we had one on the condition he would be the primary parent. But I do a lot more than my dad does (low bar though).
My dad has never changed a diaper as a grandfather either, but I will say he’s at least a lot more involved. In my childhood, he would carve out an hour or two every weekend to spend time with me but otherwise retreated into his private study to get away from me. Weeknights he came home from work, ate the dinner my mom prepared, and left to go into his study until bedtime when he would come out to say goodnight to me and maybe read me a book. Our relationship was…not good. He really dotes on his granddaughter and although he doesn’t do any of the grunt work like feeding and diapering, he does willingly spend a lot of time with her and it’s been healing for me to observe their relationship.
Anonymous says
These “just divorce him” posts are so clueless. If you just divorce your useless husband you may have to pay him child support and/or spousal support. You will lose time with your children and decision-making ability over their upbringing. You will have to leave your children with someone who may be even less equipped to care for them by himself than he was when you were married because mental health issues caused the divorce or vice versa, because the divorce has made him bitter and vengeful, or because he’s taken up with a new girlfriend. Your children will have no real home and will be forced to split their time 50/50 between two households, which is disorienting and destabilizing. They will end up texting you every day for homework help because their dad is not educated or intelligent or resourceful enough to help them. You will lose the freedom to move if you want a different job. It can be a very rational decision to remain married to a loser, especially while you still have children at home.
And for those who argue that you should just avoid marrying a useless man in the first place, some of these men actually start out as good guys. Life happens, and reality doesn’t always go the way you and your husband planned.
anon says
12:48, I completely agree with you. My sister is in this situation now, and it’s heartbreaking. She is staying because of the kids. You can argue up and down whether that’s a good thing or not, but she knows deep down that divorce would solve one problem and likely create a whole mess of others. My BIL seemed like a standup guy while they were dating, and he is, in many respects. He’s also proven to be really crappy about being a true partner in keeping the household running, despite his protests to the contrary.
It’s a terrible tradeoff, and she never saw herself ending up here.
Anonymous says
I’m not a “just divorce him” advocate, but I think inertia gets the best of people sometimes. Divorce is hard, but many people come out the other side in a better place. My parents divorced 20+ years ago after being married 15 years. My mom was a SAHM, giving up her career after I was born. I was 12 when they separated and have two younger siblings who were 10 and 7. Here’s what happened:
1. parents sold the house, dad moved into a tiny studio apartment at first, mom moved into a house half the size and had primary custody, both in the same town.
2. mom went back to school to become a teacher
3. dad moved closer to his job (~30 min away), was forced to spend time with sibs and me once a week and sometimes on weekends, giving my mom a much-needed break and me and us more time with him than we ever had when my parents were married.
4. after sibs and I all left home, dad moved back to his home state, where he is much more comfortable but my mom would have hated
5. everyone was happier (except maybe my dad. he had a good gig letting my mom do all the kid&house work)
My mom is retiring next year. She has friends, hobbies, a partner who is pleasant company but gives her plenty of time and space to live her best life however she wants, and enough saved for a comfortable retirement in a LCOL area. I would be surprised if she regrets anything.
Gross says
@Anon at 12:48
“Your children will have no real home and will be forced to split their time 50/50 between two households, which is disorienting and destabilizing.” —- this is so mean-spirited and not true.
– Parent of a 50/50 child who is thriving, as am I, and who has TWO real homes, not 0
ifiknew says
I agree that these situations sound extreme like not being able to get water, but I make meals for my husband when I travel. I like doing it and while he would be perfectly capable or making eggs and PBJ’s, I like the idea of him having real meals and I like providing for my family in this way. My husband is clueless in the kitchen, but i’m equally clueless when our smoke alarm starts beeping at 11 pm (like last night), there’s a warning light in my car, a new piece of furniture comes in to put together, the kitchen sink is leaking like crazy on his birthday, the garbage disposal is clogged (my fault), and he without complaint fixes / makes arrangements to fix all this. YES, I could learn to do these things and he could learn to make real meals, but why fix something that’s not broken? I consider our marriage mostly equal, but i certainly do more childcare because I work about 10 hours a week and he works at his job a lot more / does a lot more around the house. My husband has never taken a kid to the doctor but why would he take off at 2 pm when I’m available at that time?
I think the points everyone is making are VERY valid when both spouses are mostly working the same number of hours and the women still so often carry the family, as is the case in many american households sadly. I just think it looks different if both people dont work outside the home.
I also agree with the poster that said many women don’t want to leave their children, I feel this way a lot too. Is it healthy or the way i aspire to be or what I think is the best model for my child, not necessarily and I certainly don’t think my kids are going to love me more or turn out better because I’ve never gone away for two nights. It’s absurd if anyone makes you feel that way, but i think we shouldn’t judge women who don’t want to leave their children either.
Cb says
I sometimes make my husband a tray of macaroni cheese since he’s the only one who can eat it (kiddo and I are dairy free) and it makes him feel loved. Just like how he books my flights/train tickets for me, because I’m notorious for mixing up the days. We play to our strengths and as long as the balance is equal, that works for us.
AwayEmily says
Division of household labor seems like a very different question than “are dads capable of taking care of their children.” I think regardless of how you divide up general household duties (whether it’s fixing the sink or making dinner), it’s problematic when people assume that men are inherently incapable of taking care of their kids. Not that YOU are doing this, but the people in OP’s original comment seem to be. I don’t know your situation at all, but as you say, you make meals when you travel because you LIKE to (which is great), not because you think he’d feed your kids nothing but gummy bears if you didn’t. I suspect that even though your husband hasn’t taken the kids to the doctor, he’d be quite capable and willing if you were out of town. Just like you would figure out the smoke alarm if he was out of town.
ifiknew says
I agree. I just think it’s just easy to judge as the dad is clueless about the kids and doesn’t do anything visible (when they dont prep meals for example) when a particular family might just have a different way of doing household labor.
Anonymous says
I had a SAHM and a father who traveled a lot and worked at least 40 hours a week. I’m one of 3 kids. He wasn’t a wizard in the kitchen but I can’t imagine my mother saying any of those things about him. He has always done the dishes and a bit of cooking; he stepped up a lot when my mom went back to grad school and work when youngest kid was in middle school. Now that they are retired he probably does close to half the cooking. They still have pretty traditional gender roles, but it’s not like he never lifts a finger. (He’s 75 and still insists on doing his own yard work and changing the oil in the car). Of course, both of his parents worked FT in blue collar jobs – they did split shifts so one was at home most of the time – so he had a different role model. My grandmother worked as a restaurant manager most of her life and was not much of a cook.
ifiknew says
Agreed. That’s how my dad (SAHM mom) is and how husband and I are (I’m not a full SAHM, but close). There’s plenty of work to run a household / provide for the household and to both be equally busy.
Anonymous says
One, totally agree with you. Two, why aren’t men more pissed off by this attitude that underestimates them so much. When my husband and I talk about stuff like this, I always tell him that this kind of stuff should make him so mad. But, (1) I think we’re fortunate that no one has ever treated him like that even though we share parenting fairly equally, and (2) he truly doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of him in all areas of his life and never has.
Anonymous says
Because men aren’t stupid and they know it gets them out of hard work
SC says
My husband is a SAHD, and he gets pissed off by this attitude that men can’t do anything. He has his weaknesses (our house is perpetually messy, and our yard is an embarrassment), but he is a good father and capable human being. He is amazingly patient with our son, who is not always easy to be patient with. He manages our kid’s complicated schedule. He drives and waits more than any human should have to. He figures out how to wrestle Adderall from the steel jaws of the medical establishment every month. He cooks gourmet meals 4-5 times a week. And he gets really offended by casual jokes about helpless men on TV and in commercials, and a little insulted by the nice ladies at the grocery store treating him like a hero. He also gets offended when couples on HGTV shows joke that the wife gets the entire walk-in closet, while the husband gets the leftover broom closet down the hall.
Anonymous says
My husband was a single dad before we got married, and this stuff really angers him, particularly because a lot of his ongoing conflict with our kids’ mom relates to her belief that his parenting isn’t good enough because it is not intensive in the way that hers is. And I get it: if I had someone sending off angry emails to the guardian ad litem because I didn’t put moisturizer on my 7-year-old after a shower (a real thing that happened during their divorce, and no, the kids don’t have any skin issues that make this a medical need), I’d find the suggestion that a dad can’t take care of kids to be infuriating as well.
anon says
Yeah, they either married idiots or are engaging in some major maternal gatekeeping. It makes me nuts, too.
octagon says
I have a friend who once had to leave happy hour because her 1-year-old pooped and it made a mess and her husband could not handle it. I vowed then and there to never be that mom. And made my husband promise to never be that dad.
Anon says
Omg!
My dad changed one poopy diaper in my entire life and it was because my mom was out somewhere. Apparently when she walked in the door he said “Gee, if I’d known you would have been back so soon I wouldn’t have changed her.” My mom worked outside the home. I still have no idea why she put up with that. The worst thing is that 35 years later he still brags about it like it’s some kind of badge of honor, even though we all (me, my mom, my husband) tell him it’s not cute and not something to be proud of.
HSAL says
Oh that’s infuriating. My FIL is like that too. If he didn’t change a diaper he didn’t get to hold a kid.
anne-on says
My father did not change a single diaper or take care of a sick kid until he and my mom took care of grandkids. Now he’s in charge of all the diapers because my mom’s knees are bad and the stairs are hard for her.
It is NOT cute but I do give him credit for at least changing – like the poster below I remember my dad learning to cook when my mom got her graduate degree. There are many (many) things I do not want to model with my parents marriage but I’ll give them both credit for being flexible about roles when jobs situations changed as we grew up (went from dad earning most of the $$ to mom being the main breadwinner after dad got laid off later in life).
DLC says
This is funny. My parents are here helping with our kids for a little while, and the other day, my father proudly announced that he had changed three diapers. And I said, “Today?” No. He meant in the entire two weeks that he had been with use.
I mean he worked a lot of crazy hours when I was little and certainly the expectations were different then so I try to remember to give him a lot of grace. I try really hard to praise him for every little child related thing he manages to do, but it does take a lot of tongue biting.
Anonymous says
I was taking some night classes when my son was a toddler. One night during lecture, my phone buzzed with a picture of son lying on the changing table, diaper having exploded and covered him up to his chest inside his footie pjs, followed immediately by a picture of him smilin after a bath. My husband still shows me again every year when it comes up in the “x years ago today” feed from his photo stream. One of his proudest parenting moments! lol
HSAL says
I left my 7 month old with my husband when I traveled for work, and one of the female attorneys literally asked if I left the baby with my mother and when I said no, with HER FATHER, she said “oh, I never could have left.” Cool, Karen, you do you. (Note: her name was actually Karen!) A couple years later I left my husband with a 3 year old and 7 month old twins while I went to Puerto Rico for three days. That time I just got a bunch of high-fives.
anne-on says
I’ve said it before here and in real life – work travel was the single best thing that ever happened to my marriage. I started traveling again when my son was ~6mos old and it really forced my husband to step up early on in a very material way and though it’s an ongoing balancing act there is no substitute for the ‘sink or swim’ nature of dad being alone with the kids.
Anonymous says
+1
IHeartBacoan says
Agreed. In addition to the “sink or swim” issue, I also think there is a benefit to not have someone around watching you as you make mistakes while trying to figure things out.
Pogo says
+1000
Anon. says
So absurd. Literally no one says these things to mom when dad takes work trips or a boys weekend. And for the record, my kids eat better when my husband is solo parenting than when I am.
I also have a friend that will drive her children 4 hours across the state to stay with her parents before getting on a plane and joining us for girls weekend. Note that her husband was home and her inlaws live 1 mile away. Baffles me.
IHeartBacon says
That’s crazy. Also, what message does she think she’s sending to her husband? She’s telling him he’s incompetent and she will probably be all angry later when he pretends to be incompetent to avoid housework/childcare.
Anonymous says
I want to take a solo trip to a destination spa once my preschooler is vaccinated (don’t want to get a mild case and pass it onto an unvaxxed child) and everyone I know except my husband is being incredibly judgy about it, including my mom and my best friend. My mom has told me in so many words that she completely understands why I’d want to get away with my husband “for romance” but she thinks going on a solo trip and “choosing to leave [child] behind” is totally selfish. Maybe it is, but my husband doesn’t want to travel with me without our kid, so going alone is my only option for a kid-free trip before my child is 18 and I don’t think wanting a kid free trip after surviving a year+ of pandemic makes me a monster. Ugh.
IHeartBacon says
It is not selfish at all! You absolutely need to take a kid-free trip if you feel like you need/want one. I heard two great lines recently talking about parental mental a health that I have been using in response to comments like your mom’s: (1) We need to be the very best versions of ourselves for the children in our care and (2) You can’t pour from an empty cup. If the issue comes up again with your mom, perhaps you can just tell her, “Mom, I hear you, but I need a couples days by myself because I want to be the very best version of myself for my child.”
Anonymous says
Thanks! I’ve basically just told her we’re not discussing it anymore, and she respected that. But it just drives me crazy – she’s so feminist in almost every way but just seems to have a mental block about this issue. Blergh.
Anonymous says
Not exactly the same thing, but I was just visiting a friend who is refusing to spend one night away from her baby (10 months old) to attend a family wedding because she would “miss him” (i.e., not a COVID concern, which is so different). Her husband has already spent 2-3 nights away with 2 more planned. The mommy culture scares me and it makes me so unsure about whether I really want to TTC.
ifiknew says
See comment above where I don’t believe this is wrong. It’s okay for either parent to express that or not.
anon says
I’m sorry if this is harsh, but If you don’t have a child, you really cant judge how it will feel to leave a 10 month old.
Anonymous says
Yes, so I’ve heard. People without children aren’t allowed to feel sadness when their friends with children skip life events to be with said children 24/7.
Spirograph says
It’s not about you feeling sadness that your friend isn’t joining you, it’s only human to be disappointed! I think what the other commenters were bristling at is that you seem to be judging how your friend feels and attributing this to external expectations rather than just her personality. If she expressed to you that she doesn’t want to be away from her baby because she’d “miss him,” that’s not mommy culture, that’s feelings.
Personally, I don’t miss my kids or my husband when I’m on a trip. I think of them fondly, sure, but I don’t “miss.” My husband is the one who doesn’t like the idea of being away for too long because he’d miss us. It’s very individual, not a mommy thing.
Anonymous says
I’m sure your right and that my friend’s situation isn’t necessarily reflective of the culture as a whole, but judging by this whole thread, a lot of women have either faced pressure or judgment related to spending nights away from their children. There are definitely a lot of forces that are putting impossible burdens on women and I’m sure it’s all too easy to internalize those toxic messages and feel like you “can’t” spend a night away. My friend also said “and [the baby] will miss me too,” which just seemed a little…dramatic. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but that’s how it felt in the moment. I don’t have a lot of real-life role models for motherhood at this stage (this friend is the first to have a baby) and it’s hard to figure out what I want my own parenting journey (we are considering TTC right now) to look like with all the hardship I’m seeing.
Anonymous says
+1 to Spirograph. Very reasonable to feel sad and disappointed your friend isn’t joining something. Not nice to say she’s given in to “mommy culture” because she says she doesn’t want to leave her baby because she’d miss him. My husband is also the one who refuses to travel without our kid. Is that “daddy culture”? Nope, he’s just an individual feeling his feelings just like your friend. Fwiw, among my friend group the moms travel for pleasure w/o kids much more than that dads, although most of the dads travel for work at least occasionally.
Anonymous says
I had a longer reply that got deleted about this thread reflecting the pressure women are under, but yeah, I won’t read too much into my friend’s comment. It’s her life in the end and I can manage my own sadness.
Spirograph says
To 11:31: Oh yeah, the mommy culture wars are A Thing. Everyone has an opinion and everyone’s way is the one and only right way. But really, isn’t this all aspects of life? Even before kids are in the mix, most of us have pressure and expectations at work, from our friends (case in point!), from our parents / extended family, and from our partners. In all cases, you just have to be confident enough to tune out what doesn’t serve you. It’s hard when your sample size of parents you know well is small (or limited to parents who currently have toddlers/babies, many parents mellow a lot as their kids get older.), because you might not see counter-examples to mitigate your concerns.
The best I can say is : if you choose to raise children, you do you, and you’ll be fine. I promise. Your fine might look bananas to someone else, but then you can come here to vent about the snarky comments to like-minded people, and keep doing your thing.
AnonATL says
I agree it’s ok to opt out of activities because you miss your kid or are prioritizing them because you want to. Not trusting your partner to keep them alive and cared for is a whole other issue
anon says
+1 million. Opting out of stuff because you’ll miss your kid is totally fine if that’s how you feel. Also understand that what might seem fun to you (out of town wedding) may be something that even pre-kids this friend wouldn’t have wanted to do. totally reasonable to decide she doesn’t want to leave her kid for that.
That is completely separate from (i) feeling that you don’t have a partner you can trust with your kid – like at that point, why not be a single parent? and (ii) pressure from other people suggesting you aren’t a good parent if you want to leave your kid. “I don’t want to go because I’ll miss my kid” and “I feel like I’m a bad mom if I go without my kid” are two different things. The first is a valid feeling, the second is internalizing the awful judgments of society.
Pogo says
This summarizes the issue for me. And the fact that men don’t face similar judgement either way – if a man were to turn something down to stay home w/ a kid it’s “oh hes so dedicated and wonderful” and if he goes on a trip it’s business as usual. A mom has either disappeared into motherhood or abandoned her child. There’s no winning.
Anonymous says
So in this scenario, I think you’re in the wrong. I’m the person above who wants to plan a trip without my preschooler, but I wouldn’t have felt ready to leave my baby alone at 10 months and I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with that. Each mom can decide what’s best for them and you shouldn’t be mean to people who choose differently – that goes both ways. For me, I can say it was not about “mommy culture” but simply my own feelings. I knew I would travel without her when she was older and in fact I felt ready around age 2. I also don’t believe you should compare the husband and the wife, as long as they’re both supportive of what the other wants to do. I want to travel without my kid (now that she’s 3), my husband does not but supports me in traveling if that’s what I want. Neither of us is right or wrong, it’s just different choices. OP’s situation is totally different because people are being extremely judgy and rude to her for choosing to take a trip without her child, which is not kind. But you’re not being kind either.
ifiknew says
Agreed 100%. The KEY here in this whole discussion is not to be mean about people choosing to live their lives differently. People don’t have to think like you to be the “right” kind of mom.
Anonymous says
Sure, that’s definitely your right as a parent and everyone needs to find what works for them, but I’m sure you’ll also admit that it’s really sad for other family/friends to have their friends basically disappear into motherhood/fatherhood and miss life events, whether it’s weddings or funerals or even just fun vacation weekends. It doesn’t mean that anyone is right or wrong, but it doesn’t hurt anyone to acknowledge the sadness/transition for family and friends.
Anonymous says
My close friends and I all became moms around the same time, so I haven’t experienced what you’re going through, and I’m sorry – I’m sure it’s hard when you and friends find yourself suddenly in very different stages of life. But “disappeared into motherhood” is kind of a loaded, judgy term and if you’re saying that to her face, I understand why she doesn’t want to go to your wedding.
Anon says
I promise I don’t mean this unkindly, but I think it’s just shifting priorities and maybe you’re hurt that you’re not as high on the priority list as you had thought you’d be? Which I fully sympathize with, but I don’t think that’s really a motherhood-specific thing. Relationships and priorities shift as people age no matter what. I would have moved heaven and earth to go to my best friend’s wedding, even if it was 10 months or, heck, even 10 days after I gave birth. However, having a baby gave me an excuse to decline many social obligations that I probably would have gone to before having a baby. Family weddings generally fall in the obligation category for me, and yeah, I probably would have skipped one at 10 months postpartum. Not because of crushing mom guilt, just because if I’m going to leave a kid that little overnight it would have to be something I *really* want to do, you know? I doubt she’s really suppressing her own self so much as just choosing to stay home with her baby over things that aren’t that important to her.
Boston Legal Eagle says
If she’s b-feeding (and yes, not everyone has to but some people choose to), it has to be a really important event to want to spend a weekend away and pumping and storing milk, etc. I empathize that it’s sad, but early babyhood and toddlerhood is just really demanding in a way that’s hard to understand until you’re there. And yes, you probably don’t want to hear from me and others here that “you don’t understand because you’re not a parent,” but it’s true for some things. My pre-mom self didn’t get it either.
Anonymous says
Yeah, it’s just hard when it’s one of your best friends and you used to see each other 3x a year and this wedding is for another close friend you both love, but she won’t be there, you know? It’s hard. That’s all. It’s not a breastfeeding thing in this circumstance (formula fed from day 1), but I do respect that it’s much harder to even begin to plan a short weekend away with a baby. I don’t mean it’s easy, either logistically or emotionally, but I just wish it were! I’d love for it to be easy to have 24 hours away. I do think that life priorities can shift and change, kids or not, but with this friend, the change is SO immediate/absolute that it feels a bit jarring. That being said, I’ve got some really fun trips planned with other friends and I also know that nothing is forever, no matter how it seems right now. I appreciate the understanding and I promise I’m not trying to paint all mothers in the same boat. I’m definitely not perfect – just trying to process some sadness!
ifiknew says
You’re entitled to be sad for sure and its terrible to “lose” a friend like that. We’re just saying that the way the new mom is in no way wrong here though. You may or may not feel that way when you have a child and that’s okay too.
Anonymous says
Go back to the main page if you want to engage in mom-bashing. So sick of entitled brides.
Spirograph says
Ugh, I shut this stuff down. “Oh that’s too bad. My husband and I think it really important to be equal partners in parenting so that each of us can feel good about taking alone time when we need it. This is nothing compared to when I left him with all 3 kids for a week and a half to go on vacation with my sister!”
I think a lot of people say these things kind of jokingly, but it’s not cool; perpetuating stereotypes of dads being helpless and does NO ONE any favors. My husband gets incredibly offended when people say this kind of stuff to him… I was away for a night last weekend, so I’m fresh off listening to him seethe about a comment from a coworker.
(I hope your trip with your girlfriend is awesome!)
Yup says
Solidarity. I refuse to apologize for marrying a man who takes his familial and childrearing responsibilities seriously. I love my kiddo to death, and miss him terribly on trips (personal or work), but he’ll be fine and it reinforces the daddy/kiddo bond. Sometimes my husband travels instead. That’s just life.
Mommasgottasleep says
When someone I don’t know throws shade about me leaving my kids with my husband I respond with: “When my husband was 19 he led a group of 18 year olds into war. I think he can handle a few diapers and bedtime routine.” If it’s someone I know, honestly it’s almost always that she won’t (not can’t) leave because she has to control every aspect of her kids’ day. Sorry but I have no sympathy for that. I used to be a control freak: then I realized I can do everything my way all the time and be exhausted and resentful that DH doesn’t help, or I can let him do it his way and share the load. You are certainly free to choose differently but if you think I’m going to sit here and listen to you complain about your choice you are wrong, sister.
Anonforthis says
I am an attorney who is working on a one-off pro bono matter that involves an absolutely devastating personal client situation as well as a lot of time. I know some of you may do this type of work day-to-day, but this is pretty new to me. I am going to continue with the case and hopefully work on similar matters in the future, but I did not really understand just how consuming it would be. I’m having a tough time shutting off at the end of the day and not spiraling a bit when I think about the case. All I want to do is hug my kid (who is not old enough to discuss this with) and cry. I know we are so lucky to live in a safe bubble, and this is not the first time I’ve realized that but it reminds me how cruel the world can be.
TLDR: Suggestions for dealing with the emotional stress of hard work or volunteer situations when with your kids?
Anon says
This is actually what my husband does. You know the song from Book of Mormon, ‘Turn it off’.
When he starts spiraling, he literally sings to himself, ‘Turn it off.’ Mantras and deep breathing can help.
Sometimes, you do truly just… need to hug your kid and not explain why you’re teary while holding them and watching Daniel Tiger together.
To survive, you’ll have to compartmentalize. Routines to get home and transition from ‘work’ to ‘home’, kinda Mr. Rogers style. Bigger picture: Exercise and therapy.
Anon says
I am a public defender. I am also a very emotional person and often cry when I talk about why I do this work. This may not work for you but it works for me: I remind myself that I am their lawyer and that’s what they need from me. They don’t need me to be their friend. It takes practice to compartmentalize. You’re doing a great job by asking others how they deal with it. It’s hard. Sending hugs.
Anonymous says
You might enjoy the memoir “Hard Time and Nursery Rhymes,” about the challenges of balancing motherhood and a career as an appellate defender.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Did anyone else look at their tantruming 2 year old this morning and think, well at least the government gave me some money for having you… just me? :)
Anon says
Not eligible for the credit – jealous!
Walnut says
I’d like to know what year’s tax return was used to determine eligibility because I’ll definitely be paying every penny of this back when I file. Ugh!
Anon says
2020 assuming you filed it.
Walnut says
Then someone at the IRS is very bad at math.
Anon says
It’s all done by computers, and I find it very hard to believe they’d do the math wrong. Are you sure your AGI is above the limit? Our pre-tax income is significantly above the cutoff but we put enough in retirement to get our AGI below the threshold.
They have an eligibility assistant here you can check: https://www.irs.gov/credits-deductions/advance-child-tax-credit-eligibility-assistant
Anon says
Also keep in mind this is just an advance on a payment you would otherwise receive at tax time, so everyone will “pay it back” in the sense that it will reduce your refund come April 2022.
Walnut says
My best bet is they used my 2018 tax return. I’m definitely familiar with the calcs and eligibility criteria, as I looked into this to determine if I needed to opt out in advance. I came to the conclusion the IRS wouldn’t send me a check based on 2019 or 2020.
Anon says
That’s bizarre that they would use a 2018 return when they have a 2020 return on file.
octagon says
Same. We are well over on AGI and somehow $150/month is showing up for us. We’ll plan to pay it back. *shrug emoji*
Anonymous says
If you are over the threshold for the expanded credit but not for the original credit, they still send you 50% of the original credit. Which is nuts because most people who have withholding set up correctly will end up having to pay the advance back at tax time.
Anon says
Why is that bad? It’s better to owe money at tax time than get a refund. Interest-free loan from the government.
Anonymous says
Because I have my withholding set up so I don’t get a refund. I don’t want to have to pay back an “interest-free loan” from the government, especially if it tips me into penalty territory.
Anon Lawyer says
Interest rates are minuscule right now. The $3 in interest or whatever is not worth the hassle of keeping track of what you’re going to have to pay. (I am also basically in this situation – I tried to opt out but couldn’t get through the ridiculous ID verification step.)
Anon says
There won’t be penalties for paying back this advance credit at tax time. There are penalties when you make a mistake, like under-report your income or something.
Anonymous says
There are penalties for under-withholding.
Anon says
So adjust your withholding? I don’t get the outrage about it. I’m happy to be getting the money sooner, personally.
Anon Lawyer says
Who’s outraged? It’s just a minor annoyance. Personally, I pay estimated taxes so I’m just sending that money straight back to the government which is fine but kind of dumb.
Anonymous says
I have so many questions on this. Our AGI was over 400k last year and we still got a (small) credit! I was so confused, but I guess it’s a really long phase out period? We have 3 kids, two under 6. Our 2021 AGI is going to be more like 300k so I’m hopeful it won’t be too much of a headache at tax time for us.
Anon says
I can’t find the answer on line when it fully phases out! It’s driving me crazy. Doesn’t matter for us, we’re under 150 AGI but I’m super curious.
Anon says
Our AGI is 440K, and if I plug that into a calculator, it shows us as being fully phased out. So I guess somewhere between 400 and 440k.
Anonymous says
@Anon@12:34- do you have 3 young kids? I pulled our return and our AGI was $472k in 2020. We got a payment of $192 today.
3 kids ages 2/4/7.
anon says
LOL!
Cb says
Eek, I need to figure out how to turn this off? I got an email from TurboTax saying I was eligible and would receive payment but I don’t live in the US, and don’t want to have to figure out how to pay it all back.
Walnut says
Here you go:
https://www.irs.gov/credits-deductions/child-tax-credit-update-portal
Cb says
Thank you! I have such a mental block about my US taxes.
Anonymous says
Can I just say that it enrages me that they are allowing third-party authentication, especially through Facebook.
Anon says
My 3 year old was (unusually) lovely this morning, but yes I’m happy the govt is paying me for her!
Anonymous says
On the same subject, some extremely grumpy person on my FB newsfeed posted “All you people bragging about child tax credit payments hitting your bank accounts are really just bragging about being low income. #congratsonbeingpoor”
!!!! I can’t stop laughing about it. My husband and I have been ending all our texts to each other today #congratsonbeingpoor
Anonymous says
Lol!!! Our HHI is like $160k/year. We own a house worth $500k. So poor over here!!
Boston Legal Eagle says
I actually heard a great podcast episode on this from the Indicator that talked about how capturing so many people (I think something like 90% of households with kids qualify) is actually better for the sustainability of the program. Similar to SSI – if rich people get some benefit, they’re less likely to vote it out. While that may be selfish, if the end result is that lower income people get a needed benefit, then I’m cool with higher income people getting some benefit too.
Anonymous says
I checked my bank account and the number is far too small to make it worthwhile.
Anon says
Congrats on being super rich? I’m very affluent but $300 a month is still not nothing to me. It’s not nothing to most people.
Anonymous says
It’s a joke in response to the original question. Like $300 is not enough to make the tantrum worthwhile.
Anon says
I cannot believe the privilege of people here who make $400k complaining about having to adjust their tax withholding or potentially pay back $1000 to the IRS at tax time. This child tax credit is absolutely life-changing for people who live on the margins. It will make the difference between putting food on the table, paying for quality childcare, paying for doctors visits or not for many many people.
anon says
You know you can do both at the same time, right? I can be super happy that people with less resources than I have are getting tax credits and also be annoyed about the hassle it creates for me.
Anonymous says
No one is complaining about the child tax credit. It’s just ridiculous that the IRS is refunding the part of the credit that already existed and was reflected in people’s withholding. It’s political theater to make people who aren’t eligible for the expanded credit think they are getting something new, when they’re really just going to have to pay it back or will have a smaller refund at tax time. That’s what bugs me about it. It’s dishonest.
For the expanded credit, absolutely get that money into people’s pockets as fast as possible. But it should be done by adjusting the withholding formula, not by sending checks or direct deposits. Again, political theater.
And no, I do not make $400K/year.
Anonymous says
One amendment–yes, send checks or direct deposits to people who wouldn’t be helped by changing the withholding formula. But that is not everyone.
Anon says
Withholding is all set up with individual employers though – the IRS can’t adjust your withholding. I’m not the person who made this post but I agree it’s pretty obnoxious to whine about having to adjust your own withholding or pay a little bit back at tax time (minor annoyances) when getting the money NOW is life-changing for so many families. Heck, I don’t live paycheck to paycheck and am still happy to have the money sooner (and will put it straight back into the economy, which I think is what the govt hopes we do).
Anonymous says
The IRS sets the basic formula. That’s why the DJT tax cuts made everyone’s take-home pay go up. You set your status, allowances, and additional withholding with your employer, but the amount changes automatically when the the IRS formula changes.
Anon says
I’ve been going through fertility treatment for over a year now, on a pretty constant cocktail of medications intended to either alter (Lupron depot, Clomid, Femara) or bolster my own cycle (FSH, supplemental progesterone + estrogen). I’ve experienced pretty bad side effects to these medications – migraines, anxiety, irritability, insomnia, crushing daytime fatigue, digestive problems, hot flashes, bloating, weight gain. Yet, I feel that it’s so common for women to continue working and parenting at 100% capacity while undergoing fertility treatment that I am discouraged from talking to anyone seriously about the fact that I’m struggling, and that I don’t feel that I can be 100%. I’ve tried to broach the topic of side effects with my spouse and doctor and get the attitude of “the medications are typically well tolerated when used for fertility treatment and any side effects resolve quickly once they are discontinued”. I also feel that women have had to counter the “women be crazy cuz hormones” tropes so often that it’s now kinda taboo and almost anti-feminist to actually acknowledge in any genuine way that hormones can have a real effect on how a woman feels physically and mentally. In my circles, once a woman is pregnant, particularly during the first trimester, there is broad awareness of how hormonal changes can affect mood, energy, and well-being, and my workplace is very accommodating of pregnant women. But would it be similarly accommodating of women going through menopause or fertility treatment or other times of hormonal upheaval? I doubt it, because these states aren’t valorized like pregnancy. Going into year two of fertility treatment, I don’t know how I will continue to manage all expectations of me while feeling so run down and “off” – and yet, I really don’t feel I can ask for any leniency. Has anyone felt similarly? Or can anyone offer internet advice or encouragement?
Anon says
OP here – Hopefully this goes without saying, but I’m not taking every single one of the meds in my first post at the same time, but have been on various different combinations of them as I’ve moved through different protocols.
Anonymous says
If your doctor is not taking your concerns seriously and respecting you, I’d have a very clear conversation about that. It’s been a year, that’s a good time to have a big picture conversation about what you’ve done, what’s next, how you are feeling etc.
Anonymous says
No advice but all the solidarity and hugs. I went through fertility treatments for several years. I stopped because I was exhausted and felt like I was spinning my wheels while also having to pretend that everything was awesome at home and work. In all honesty, I was really sad and run down pretty much the entire time. I hate that we’re not allowed to admit that until we’re gestating. I will say, my mom’s manager at work is going through her second year of fertility treatments and has been really honest with her team about how hard it is on her. It sort of makes me upset because my mom has so much sympathy for this woman when she basically told me “suck it up buttercup” when I was going through the same thing. But that’s my own battle to fight. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this. It’s a lot.
anon says
I wouldn’t be so convinced that doctors are any more receptive once you’re pregnant. There’s a long history of doctors and others dismissing women’s complaints that are actually real conditions.
My friend had hypermesis for months and months that left her so debilitated and weak that she couldn’t walk or hold up her head. Turns out it wasn’t just hypermesis, but a rare autoimmune condition. After delivery she went to the ER because she felt so bad and they turned her away, telling her that it was PPA. Hours later she collapsed and spent more than a week in the ICU. She nearly died.
Another friend told the doctor she was feeling weak and faint after delivery. They told her to take a nap. Turns out she was hemorrhaging. She almost died.
I complained to my OB how horribly sore I was at my first postpartum appointment. He shrugged. Told me that having a baby hurts. Turns out that I’d broken my tailbone during delivery. My mother and spouse were similarly dismissive until I was actually diagnosed. My mom called me a wimp for crying when I tried to sit in a chair to bf.
I think all you can do is to keep advocating for yourself. It sucks, but it is reality.
Anon says
All of this stories are horrifying but also don’t surprise me, which really says something about the state of healthcare for women in the US. And it’s even worse for women of color than for white women.
Anonymous says
I had hyperemesis and the doctor asked my husband if he wanted her to admit me to the hospital. Seriously.
rakma says
So I agree with anon at 10:57 that doctors can be dismissive and you need to advocate for yourself, but your spouse also needs to be your advocate. Not only that, but he needs to actively be working towards reliving some of the pressure you’re under, whether that’s taking on more parenting/household responsibilities so you can focus on work, or at least listening to what you’re saying and helping you work on a plan to get though–not dismissing or minimizng your feelings.
If the side effects and toll this is taking on you is no longer an acceptable trade off for the outcome, that may be a different conversation you need to have.
Anonymous says
If my husband dismissed the side effects, I’d refuse to participate in further treatment until he got on board with reality.
Anonymous says
Not OP but you need to shut up. You have no idea what lengths you would go to to have a child.
Anonymous says
Actually I do…
Anonymous says
Then I guess congratulations on being better at infertility than me.
Anonymous says
Have you watched Friends from College? There’s that scene where one of the characters shows how bruised her stomach is from injections and her RE is like, “oh yeah, those should go away in 2-36 months” and they makes a big deal when he gets a paper cut. Although I don’t think things are that much different in pregnancy, there’s very much the attitude that whatever is bothering you is related to the pregnancy and will go away once you deliver (as opposed to a push to treat during the pregnancy).
I think the best advice I have is to find yourself a therapist who is familiar with fertility treatments (so you’re not having to explain different meds and treatments to them). And your spouse should be grateful and doing whatever they can do to help with your comfort for what you’re going through for the sake of your family.
I also think that taking some time off, if you can, makes sense. I did end up telling work when I was going through fertility treatments and it was nice to have the support of my immediate supervisor. Plus for IVF-related things that I had to miss work for with short notice, it reduced some of my stress to not have to worry about how I would cover. I know many clinics are like mine where you do all the monitoring and bloodwork early before work, which is nice but makes for a long, emotionally exhausting day. I always allowed myself a treat/nice coffee/etc on the way into the office on those days.
And last, I’m sorry for your side effects and that you are having to go through this process to build your family.
Eevee's Mom says
My almost 6 year old just got super into Pokemon but dislikes Pikachu. She has a stuffied Eevee that she brings with her everywhere and she has several Pokemon games on my partner’s Switch. Is there something Pokemon themed I can get her for her birthday?
Any other gift ideas for a 6 year old? She has two hand-me-down Am Girl dolls that she used to be obsessed with but has cooled on recently. She also has a bike and a scooter and magnatiles and tons of other toys.
Anonymous says
Are there pokemon accessories for the AmGirl? For a big gift, my kids both love the Target OG ice cream truck that goes with the Am Girl size dolls. There’s also a vet clinic they keep asking for that is super cute. We just got a hair extension maker thingy at Target as a b’day party gift that both my 5 and 7 year old wanted for themselves. Legos are always a huge hit in our house. My kids’ friends all have these ScrunchMiez things that are apparently “even cooler than LOLs”. my 5 year old wants the Rainbow High doll that lets you color her hair (avail at Target).
Non toy ideas: swim goggles, fun towel (unicorn hooded or tye dye?), Swim/bathing suit bag, Hair dye/chalk, a really fun outfit, a caboodle and lipgloss/play makeup/nail polish, scrunchies, books, reading light, bean bag chair, rollerblades/knee pads, string LED lights for her room, bath bombs, notebooks and other kitsch (my girls could spend $500 in the “girls” area of target with all the backpacks, headbands, etc), art kit (markers/paint/colored pencils), a watch (mine love the game watches), a new raincoat or rain boots or umbrella. Stuff for any sports they are into (new leotard, fun soccer socks, lax carrying bag, tye dye softball backpack thing, tennis skirt, hot pink baseball glove have all been hits around here).
Mary Moo Cow says
My 6 year old also loves the OG ice cream truck and all the doctor accessories. She likes some Lego, especially if it ties in to a movie. Barbies are also huge in our house; she got the dream house for her birthday 2 months ago and has played with it every day. Craft stuff is all the rage, too, especially if it involves tie dye or glitter.
Anonymous says
Pokemon cards? Apparently you can never have too many. FYI, there is a Pokemon minecraft mod my son really likes called Pixelmon.
AnotherAnon says
Does she already have Pokémon cards? This is reaching way back into my childhood but I remember the Pokémon board game being fairly complex (so not too babyish). Tbh I would probably just get her another stuffed Pokémon: jigglypuff is popular in my house ATM, but my son is four. There are also Pokémon legos, so that could be a fun option.
anon says
My kid has a cute AG doll bike seat for her bike. It came with a bike helmet for the doll.
A rock tumbler was also a hit at 6 yo. It’s fun to find and polish rocks.
Anonymous says
We have this too, but it is not AG. It was like $14 from amazon or walmart or something. Our girls love it!
Realist says
I know it isn’t quite the same, but maybe Sanrio stuff? I loved that stuff around ages 7-10.
AnonFTM says
FTM and want to go somewhere for few weeks while on maternity leave. Baby will be 4 months. Where would you go between these 2 places: a house in the woods near hiking trails or a house in a small beach town? Also will have a large dog with us.
Anon says
I’d do beach, just make sure you have some way to keep baby in the shade. Bonus points if you have a house with a deck or blacony and a view of the water so you can enjoy the scenery while baby naps indoors. I never mastered hiking with a baby carrier or really baby-wearing at all, although I know a lot of people love it (it hurt my b00bs!!). Congrats! 4 months is a great age for travel (you’re in a good routine and baby is hopefully sleeping through the night or close to it, but not yet mobile or old enough to have opinions) so I think you’re smart to plan this.
NYCer says
Small beach town. Taking a walk on a beach with an infant in a carrier is much more my speed than hiking in the mountains with an infant in a carrier though. Also the small town probably will have some streets/shops that you can browse using the stroller. [I much, much preferred the stroller to a carrier, but I know a lot of people love carriers.]
I second the recommendation for trying to find a house with a nice patio/deck/garden. You will not spend as much time at the actual beach as you might think! :)
anon says
In either scenario, you might consider a house near a cute downtown. It’s nice to take stroller walks with a 4 mo and lovely to eat at an outdoor cafe while the baby snoozes in the stroller.
Hiking with a 4 mo is hit or miss, IME.
Anonymous says
I think this too. I almost think a city is better at that age. We’re not even “city people”, and we took our 3 month old to Boston and it was great. I’m not sure how much COVID complicated this though. But yeh 4mo is prime age where the baby is a great accessory to take out to restaurants or stroller walks.
AnonATL says
My vote would be the beach. My son loved the carrier when he was tiny but somewhere around that age, he started hating it. I’d be pretty bummed if I went somewhere to hike and my baby screamed the whole way.
Also that pre-mobile stage at the beach is awesome. Put them in a beach tent/under an umbrella and they stay there instead of trying to eat fistfuls of sand and shells
Anon Lawyer says
Any thoughts on Oh Cr@p for potty training? I read the first couple of chapters as the free sample library ebook and am waiting for the rest of the book on hold, but honestly, it seemed kind of annoying. I don’t doubt the boot camp is a good way to go for a lot of people and I am kind of inclined that way myself, but it’s so “my way or the highway” but without any actual evidence being cited. Like, right now I put out the potty chair in our bathroom and my 19-month-old likes to sit on it and pretend to empty it into the toilet, but she apparently thinks that’s ridiculous. Can it possibly matter? Is 20-30 months really a magical window?
Mary Moo Cow says
It was too flippant for me and I couldn’t abide by the suggestion to bring a portable potty in the car after watching my sibling do that (and our ped wasn’t keen on that, either.) I did like Brandi Brucks Potty Training in 3 Days, with the caveat that it worked like a dream for my first kid and not so well for my second kid.
Anonymous says
It’s just a tool. It helps some people. If it doesn’t speak to you don’t use it.
Anon says
Oh Cr@p is, well, bullsh!t. It works very well if you catch a kid at the right moment and “power through”. Or you can just keep the bathroom door open and sometime about age two plop your kid on the potty first thing in the morning, hand out M&Ms and set a timer for them to go sit every hour. Our daycare took the lead and basically potty trained our kid (and she was only part time!). I suspect earlier or later is better for willful kids, but potty training doesn’t have to be a big power struggle if you just don’t care.
I work with kids and have literally only met one neurotypical school age (5+) kid who regularly soils themselves with abandon. And I met that kid this year so I can say that for two and a half decades of babysitting, tutoring, nannying, coaching, and working in classrooms, I had never met a neurotypical kid who wasn’t potty trained.
Anonymous says
No. It’s ridiculous. I had another mommy say if I didn’t potty train by 30 months then it would never happen. I literally almost laughed in her face. DD potty trained right before 3 and it took 2 days and very minimal effort. She was ready, asked for a pink potty, and done. Im definitely not going to push it with DS.
Mommasgottasleep says
It’s very popular here but I hated it. I found it both vague and condescending: “if you don’t do everything exactly like I am going to tell you in a few chapters your kid will never be potty trained.” But then there were never any concrete details of what to do except offer bribes which didn’t work for my kid. I did a combination of 3 day method and a lot of help from day care. TBH it took several weeks for him to be fully trained. He was 2.5 years old. We dealt with constipation for a while. Just use the miralax if you’re in that situation. Good luck!
anon says
+1, I agree with all of this exactly as stated. The author was just militant and know-it-all-y about all of it, and I found the whole tone of the book offputting. We tried to train DS at 26 months and it didn’t work (he would simply refuse to go sit on the potty, and trust me when I say you cannot force a thrashing two year old to sit on a potty). We tried again at 30 months and it went much better. We didn’t really follow the “blocks” per se, just kind of followed my son’s lead and it’s working out well. He does withhold poop, which is a common problem, but mostly he’s been going in his nap or nighttime diaper, so we’re not going to force the issue for now.
anon says
I think there is something to kids becoming more willful when they get closer to 3 yo. We trained both kids at 26 months and it was easy.
We did a couple of bottomless days to start, but I will admit I never read the book. I just gleaned things from various parenting blogs and went with what seemed to make sense.
Anon says
+1. I think you can get lucky and hit a good spot where their interest, their age, and your schedule all align and you can get it done in three days. It happened for us – lucky both of my kids acted interested just after their 2nd birthday and it happened to align with a three day weekend where we didn’t have any firm plans to leave the house.
I also never read the book – I read an overview of the concept on Lucie’s List and just sort of winged it, figuring daycare could fill in any of the gaps.
But I always caveat this story by the fact that my kids were horrendous sleepers (no training ever worked) and I didn’t sleep more than 5 hours a night until the youngest turned 3. So I feel like the universe gave me easy potty training as a consolation prize.
FVNC says
If it helps you, use it. If not, ignore it.
For my now almost-8 yr old, it was a great resource and we pretty much “trained” her in 3 days. She was closer to 3 though, and likely just needed to learn the potty more than she needed to be trained. The rules and structure worked well for her.
For my now 4 yr old, it would not have worked. He just kind of trained himself when he was 3ish by starting to use the potty more often than using his diapers. It was gradual, but I was also basically totally hands-off.
Anonymous says
For my 3 there was no magical window, they were day and night trained for pee and poop just before their third birthdays. Took about a week to get down to no accidents and didn’t need to do ‘naked time’ all the time.
Everyone I know who trained early basically only got them pee day time trained, had tons of issues getting them to poop in the toilet and they didn’t night train until closer to 4.5.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I read it before starting my first’s potty training and we were pretty diligent in following it, including the between 20-30 month window, although we also were driven in terms of timing by having it done by the time our second came (when DS1 was 2.5). I’d say it “worked” but he still had occasional accidents and maybe waiting a bit would have made it easier. For our second, we did basically the same method of a long weekend of commando first, then no underwear, then all clothes, but we were less concerned about hitting the before 30 months timeline (he was a bit older) and just generally more lax about all the “rules.” He took to it pretty quickly, but I imagine he would have anyway, as he’s not a particularly stubborn kid.
I’d say use it as a tool in your toolbox, but it’s not gospel. Just like all those sleep books – not all things work for everyone, and you know your kid best. I will say that at 19-20 months, my kids were not at all interested in the potty, but by age 2, they started to become more interested, so you may see your daughter change in that respect in the next few months. Or not, she’ll get there when she’s ready.
Anon says
I agree with this. We used it as a tool. I think the whole specific age range thing is garbage and no we did not night train at the same time, but we had our twins go commando. One kid has had like one accident in six months and the other has one almost every day bc she drinks an obscene amount of water. It def took more than 3 days, but I think it was a good way to get us started