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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 102 Comments · by

Budget Thursday: Classic Pencil Skirt

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A woman wearing a Classic Pencil SkirtWe’re featuring this very highly reviewed pencil skirt in the “brilliant berry” color, which looks lovely, but it also comes in seven other colors, in sizes 2-18. It just looks like a great, simple pencil skirt — it’s hard to go wrong with this one, and the price is right at $29.98. Classic Pencil Skirt, Only at Macy’s Here’s a plus-size option at Macy’s. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. anon says

    I went in house a year and a half ago. In many ways, my current job is wonderful. Predictable hours, low stress, still doing the kind of work I want to be doing, good pay. But there is absolutely no room for advancement. I am struggling with that so much. I’m working in a small department and most of the people I work with have been here at least 10 years, with no change to their roles and no advancement. I am thinking about the post on the main s ite the other day about being a “badge collector” and identified with that a lot. I’m wondering how to balance my thirst for achievement with motherhood. I was a stressed out lunatic in my old job. I would be a fool to leave my current job since it’s so great, and I keep hearing that I’ll want even more flexibility once my kid is in school. I guess this is what they mean by “you cant have it all”, right? Any thoughts or advice?

    • Anon says

      Your current gig sounds pretty great for your life, generally. Can you feed your thirst for achievement in another way? Train for a marathon, learn a new language, pick up a challenging hobby – stuff that will feed your intellectual curiosity, but that can be put on pause when the kid gets the flu, or when DH is travelling for a week?

      • Anon for this says

        I also have a job with good pay and awesome hours but little room for advancement. I would second picking up a hobby that feeds an interest and has room for growth. My husband and I are both huge animal lovers and we are really involved in volunteering with a dog rescue. We foster dogs, transport dogs, attend events and I help with processing adoption applications. Weirdly it has become as much of my identity as my career as an attorney and in social events people would much rather discuss my rescue work than what I do at my actual job.

    • octagon says

      How do you feel about volunteer work? It can be very challenging, push you to learn new skills, move outside your comfort zone but connect to something you’re passionate about. There are lots of ways to incorporate it — direct service, serving on boards, etc.

    • bluefield says

      I think about this too – I definitely leaned out & am now part time in gov’t – some room for advancement, but I will never make close to what private section attorneys make – even (some) teachers make more than I do. I remind myself that life is long and even if I do this for 10 years, that is only a portion of what will be a 40+ year career. You’re doing what works for you now. If in the future your life becomes less hectic and you want a more high-pressure job, you can make that choice then.

    • Onlyworkingmomintulsa says

      Just wanted to say thank you to the original poster (I feel the exact same way, just a different industry) and all of the thoughtful replies too.

    • In House Counsel says

      This is me to a T. I’m struggling to calm the green monster when I see other classmates moving up the ladder while fully recognizing that flexibility is critical with my toddler and pre-K-er.

      • Legal Cancuk says

        I am here in a place with movement bit super stressed and the pressure to make partner is insane. I am actually looking to go in house . I don’t mind the non-movement as I am working towards a degree in education (my end game is to teach law at some point in the future).
        I just want to say that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Good luck with whatever you decide

  3. Betty says

    I’m finally getting a little breathing room in my life, and I have no idea how to spend that time: Ten years ago, I was in biglaw, where I had my son. I left biglaw when he was a toddler and my daughter was born 2.5 years after my son. My daughter is almost 4. For the first time in ten years, I feel like I’m getting pockets of time that are not filled with a demanding job, baby/toddler, or the manic lifestyle associated with those. I’m not saying that I have hours to luxuriate, but on the weekends I may have an hour or two and the same after the kids are in bed. My husband has hobbies that fill that time like tinkering in the wood shop in the barn, playing with legos in order to prepare for the next “Lego Club” at his school, and he knits (also begun due to an afterschool club). I feel like its been so long since I have had consistent time to myself that I’m not sure what I even like to do anymore. And doing an additional load of laundry or organizing or cleaning would just make me angry.

    • lsw says

      What about for just the first few weeks, trying something like meditation? A friend recommended 10% happier which I have liked so far. It might give you some mental space to help you choose something meaningful.

    • CHJ says

      I’m in a similar place, and I’ve started picking up old hobbies from before I had kids. For me that means hiking with my dog in the woods, reading novels, and baking. Sometimes just doing nothing, like reading a magazine over a glass of iced tea, feels pretty great too.

    • Momata says

      I had the same thought just last night, watching Escape to the Country. Many of the prospective buyers have very specific hobbies to which they are very dedicated (restoring old cars, embroidery, etc). I have ZERO hobbies due to working full time and 2 under 4. It makes me wonder – what would I enjoy if I had free time? Right now my first go-tos would be puttering in the yard/gardening and exercising (yoga, briskly walking).

    • mascot says

      Do you like to read? Over the years, I keep coming back to that as my most consistent source of meaningful entertainment. It feels the most selfish in a way because I’m not creating something like a garden or accomplishing something like training for a half marathon. And its a solitary activity so that means I am “missing out” on leisure time with my husband/child. I’m otherwise an extrovert and reading gives me the me-time and mind clearing benefits that I need.

      • mascot says

        Also, reading was one of my favorite activities as a child (my mom is a voracious reader herself so I had lots of encouragement). I agree with the other posters who have said to look at what constituted play/happiness for you as a kid.

    • anon says

      I think this is so, so common for moms, right down to not even knowing what we like anymore! I once read the really wise advice to think back to what you enjoyed as a kid. What we enjoyed during adulthood, but pre-motherhood, doesn’t always work because your life circumstances have changed so much. But, chances are, you were just being yourself when you were a kid — free of baggage about what you were “supposed” to enjoy. I might’ve gotten this advice from a Gretchen Rubin book. Then find ways to express those natural interests in a more adult way. I realized that reading, playing outside, and swimming for fun brought me great happiness as a kid. So, I started making time to read more. More importantly, I didn’t pressure myself to read great, heavy novels. I just chose books that sounded fun and lighthearted. I get outside whenever possible, whether that’s alone or with my kids. Being outdoors, even if it’s just a walk around the block, brings me back to myself. I literally plan my summers around pool/lake time. Last year, I took up kayaking. I’ve kept it super low-key, but getting out on my kayak 1-2 times a week has brought my so much joy.

      If I were you, I’d ask myself, “What feels like play to me?” And then resist the urge to make it too “adult.” I probably wouldn’t enjoy bumming around on my bike if I were training for a race, honestly. Quick rides around the neighborhood feel leisurely and come with zero obligations attached.

      Maybe this is useful advice for the “badge collectors” out there, too, which has been a big topic during the past few days.

    • Betty says

      Thank you for all of the suggestions! One of my favorite “hobbies” has been to read and that has fallen away in the last ten years. I was the bookworm who spent my summers at the public library. Actually, that sounds like a lovely way to spend a day: wandering the aisles and reading random books at leisure. And I’d love to try Kayaking! It is super common thing in my area and would be a lovely way to spend time!

      • SC says

        Go back to your public library! About six months ago, I investigated the offerings at my public library (in a suburb of a mid-sized city). Turns out, they have almost everything that was on my Amazon wish list. And about half of the books on my wish list, mostly the ones that have come out in the last few years, are available electronically, either through the Kindl app (my preference) or another app. And the library system’s website lets me create customized lists, just like Amazon does. This may be obvious to some regular library users, but I had no idea our library had so many books available and was so modernized, and a lot of people I’ve talked to have been similarly surprised.

  4. lsw says

    I had a little more time this morning, and I’m meeting a friend/former colleague for lunch, so I decided to do my makeup and hair. I’m also only pumping once a day now, so I’m wearing a non-pumping BR suiting dress that I love and have missed wearing.

    I’m 99% sure my boss thinks I have a job interview today based on something she just said. Guess I should step up my game on more days of the week.

      • Betty says

        If you manage matching shoes (I mean shoes that match each other) while juggling working and pumping, your game is about as good as it can get! I don’t mean that in a disparaging way, but more that trying to get all the pumping parts out the door in the morning plus be work appropriate is about all that I could manager.

        • lsw says

          Agreed! I keep earrings and a jacket in my office for just that reason. It’s rare I remember every piece of what I need.

  5. CapHillAnon says

    Spirograph and others: thank you! My incredibly wiggly 10-month old has turned diaper-changing time into a messy, risky, frustrating exercise. I tried the leg-over-tummy technique that Spirograph described yesterday and WOW. Game changer! You all are great! This is my third baby; I wish I knew about this tip earlier. Thanks!

    • Tired Mommy says

      I missed it, please share! I definitely need a game changer with a 13-month old who starts crying as soon as we go in the room to change a diaper.

    • SBJ says

      I’m so glad that tipped helped someone! I tried it this morning and my ninja kid wiggles right out and was pretty grumpy about the whole thing. On the other hand, making up a song about diaper changes to the tune of the Muppet Show theme song (It’s time to get a diaper, it’s time to grab the wipes…) marginally worked. Sort of. I still ended up with a kid face down, bum in the air (silver lining, very easy to clean) and then sitting for actually getting the diaper on….

    • Spirograph says

      I’m catching up super late today, but so glad you found it helpful! For those that missed it: you sit on the floor with kid lying on changing pad in front of you, and throw your leg (gently!) over kid’s torso to help pin him down.

      I love and am going to steal the muppets tonight diaper-changing song. That works so well! I make up songs for everything, and I can’t believe I haven’t hit on that one yet. Mine often end up to the tune of Baby Beluga, since “baby (kidsname)” fits so well with my 3-syllable baby name.

  6. avocado says

    How can I get my husband to take up a hobby? He quit his regular exercise routine because he was sick of it, quit the sport he played because he couldn’t stand slowing down as a result of aging, and refuses to try anything new. He now spends a lot of time on weekends sitting around reading the news on his iPad and complaining that we never do anything fun, while I am running around like a crazy person trying to get chores done. (Renegotiating household responsibilities will not help–he thinks the division of chores is equitable and if you list them out it does sound equitable, even though mine always seem to take longer.) Once in a while he’ll read a book, but that’s it. I have tried to get him to do various projects with the kid, but he says it’s too much hassle and he doesn’t want to make anything that will just end up taking up space. He is not interested in taking a class because he doesn’t want to be obligated to show up. Ideas to get him engaged in something so I don’t have to feel guilty for not paying attention to him 24/7?

      • avocado says

        Quite possibly. But exercise and activity can be good for depression, no?

        • NewMomAnon says

          Yes, but you need to understand that you can’t “fix” his depression (if it’s that) by forcing him to do things.

          • avocado says

            Yeah, I know I can’t “fix” it, but I’d like to mitigate its impact on me.

          • Betty says

            I’ve been where you are, truly. In terms of mitigation, you cannot control what your husband does. You can only control your own actions and of equal, if not more importance in this situation, your own boundaries. If he does not want a hobby, no amount of prodding or setting out the running shoes will push him to do it. You can invite him on a run, but you cannot make him go. You can tell him that you will not listen to his complaints about the way the weekends are spent. You cannot make him take a class, but you can take a class/go out with friends/whatever else takes care of you.

    • anne-on says

      How old is your kiddo? Can he be in charge of taking your child to an activity every weekend? Like gymnastics, soccer, etc. Heck, we really enjoy the trampoline park which has early Saturday hours for kids/families under 5 – great exercise for everyone, and usually followed up by pancakes out – win win!
      YMMV, but I find I’m happier and better able to power through weekend chores if I’m doing them solo vs. with husband and child in the house.

      • avocado says

        Kid is 10 and has a busy life of her own. Occasionally they will do something together, but most of the stuff she’s interested in is “too much work” for him and she doesn’t really like playing outside. I would love for them to go off somewhere for half a day every weekend and just let me get stuff done.

    • HSAL says

      Argh, I knew I was going to respond in the wrong place. See my thoughts below.

    • Pogo says

      Are you looking for things to do as a family or for him to do solo?

      As a family, are there home improvement or yardwork projects to be done? That is what DH spends 99% of his free time on and I help out where I can so we end up spending a lot of outside time together, which is nice. Or even strolling around Home Depot imagining what we’d do if we had the money is kind of like a date for us hahaha.

      For solo things (or things for him to do with his buddies) – does he enjoy following any sports? Brewing beer? These are DH’s buddy or solo activities, and I either bow out and let him do his thing, or tag along and hang out with the other wives/kids. I have limited interest in sports or beer but the gatherings are fun and I appreciate that he’s getting so much out of it.

      • avocado says

        I would like him to get a solo hobby so he will stop feeling deprived and leave me alone to get the housework done or even pursue one of several solo hobbies I’d like to spend time on but can’t. He would like us to do fun things as a family, but when I suggest anything he shoots it down as too expensive, too boring, too much work, too hot, etc. Let’s go bowling! No, we did that two years ago and it was boring and expensive. Let’s go to the pool! No, we’d have to get out towels and put on sunscreen and it’s hot outside and the pool is boring. The only thing he ever wants to do is to have people over to the house, which is enormously stressful for me because I can never keep the house clean and I am embarrassed of our yard (which he is in charge of but won’t keep nice), our furniture, and the number of renovations that need to be undertaken.

        All of his old buddies are scattered across the globe and he doesn’t really have any guy friends here that he’d hang out with independently. Our local “friends” are just families we know casually through our kid, and all get-togethers are whole-family events.

        • Meg Murry says

          Would he be more willing to help clean up the house or yard if you had an event to have people over on the calendar? My husband and I joke that we need to schedule a party once a month so that we’ll have the motivation to clean more thoroughly beyond our “survival mode so the house isn’t a complete pigsty” normal day to day cleaning.

          Or could you encourage him to plan something similar to having people over, but that isn’t at your house? For instance, you could invite people to grill out at a local park, or go play board games at a winery?

          But don’t be embarrassed by the state of your house – it is what it is, and you don’t need to be ashamed of the lack of renovations, etc. If you think people are going to judge you on that, they aren’t your friends and you need to find nicer people to hang out with.

        • Betty says

          Here’s the other thing I would add: If he is feeling deprived, a hobby is not going to fill that void. He has to fill it by being enough by himself.

        • Pogo says

          This sort of makes me think he might actually be depressed. It doesn’t sound like he has local friends or really enjoys doing anything. Plus, discounting an activity before even trying it definitely sounds like when I’ve been depressed – I always have fun once I do the thing, but I might dread it beforehand.

          I agree with those who suggested easy things like taking daughter to the library or to run errands to give you some time alone. That’s really not a big ask. Does her sport have weekend meets/competitions that he can go to with her?

          And to my above point, I would argue that depressed people sometimes can’t help themselves, so forcing them to do an activity might actually help. When I’ve been depressed I would never really suggest a fun thing to do, but if someone makes me go – I agree to meet a friend or husband is like, we’re doing this, I always feel better after.

          • avocado says

            Thanks for all the replies, everyone. Yes, he doesn’t really enjoy doing much of anything. I get a lot of blame for his dissatisfaction and get accused of being controlling because I am the only one who ever tries to make anything happen. I will try having him take the kid out for specific, very simple things like the Y or the library. We have had more luck with this when she suggests the outing instead of me–she’s got him wrapped around her little finger and it’s much harder for him to say no to her. I also like the idea of meeting up with people outside the house. We’ve tried that a few times and it’s always been a success. He is naturally an extrovert and wants to spend time with people, even though in recent years he’s sometimes found it difficult to make conversation.

            Unfortunately, the kid is dead set against having daddy take her to her sporting events alone. Mommy’s presence is always demanded because mommy understands the sport better and also remembers to buy her candy.

        • P says

          Your H clearly has a few areas for self improvement, and is making your life unnecessarily difficult. That being said, I think one thing you could do is let go of the embarrassment of your house being a mess. It sounds like it would be really helpful for him to initiate hanging out with his friends, and maybe that’s the first baby step for him to coming out of his funk.

          This is coming from a real neat freak — I know how you feel! But if you don’t have the funds to splurge for a house cleaner, I truly think this is your best option that is within your control.

    • rakma says

      I’m trying to phrase this gently, but I’m afraid that’s not my strong suit, so I hope you take this in the spirit that it’s intended.

      Don’t feel guilty because you are not entertaining your husband (who has the time and ability to fill his time). You are not doing this to him, you are not solely responsible for his happiness and fulfillment.

      Can you tell him he needs to leave the house for 3 hours so you can get stuff done? What he does in that time, not your problem. He doesn’t have to go further than the garage or the yard, but out of your way so it doesn’t feel like someone is watching the clock as you clean the counters.

      I second HSAL’s comment that if his complaint is that you are taking too much time to do chores/errands, and that’s interfering with doing things as a family/couple, that he should be taking on some of those things. Sometimes it’s not the number of tasks that makes a fair division, but the number of hours.

      Maybe have a conversation before the upcoming weekend about expectations. You need to get x,y and z done to feel like you’re ready for the week and happy with the state of the house. It’s going to take you about this amount of time. He can take on z, or run the errands and take daughter to the library for an hour, or whatever, to lessen that amount of time. Or if he wants to invite people over, you’d like to see the yard cleaned up so people are comfortable, and need help cleaning the guest bathroom.

      • anon says

        +1 – I think it would probably be easier/more effective to just ask him to leave for x amount of time rather than trying to find him a hobby, especially if he is truly depressed – that’s a hard place to be in for joining groups/starting new things.

        Similarly, can you make him responsible for planning the fun thing and making it happen? And let him accept the responsibility for making the house clean (or not) if the fun thing is having people over? I know this is much easier said than done, but you do not need to be embarrassed about what he isn’t doing with your yard. You are not the only one who has a spouse that is depressed, and people who care about you should not care about the state of your lawn, the cleanliness of your house, etc. Or could you compromise by meeting up with friends at a restaurant, park, or museum?

        I also find weekends to be a minefield for spousal conflict and fantasize about being home alone, so I hope this doesn’t sound judgey or like I don’t understand – I feel your pain! My spouse’s hobby is home improvement projects that are not high priorities for me (like adding more in-cabinet lighting – the man has developed an unhealthy electronic obsession) but make messes that don’t quite get 100% cleaned up. I get to vacuum and do things that are never actually done, and he gets to cross things off a list and congratulate himself.

  7. HSAL says

    I think trying to make someone get engaged with something if they’re not interested is a losing battle. Is he making you feel guilty for not paying attention to him, or is this something you’re imposing on yourself? Division of labor aside, if he’s complaining that your chores are preventing you guys from doing something fun, well, he can get up and help you finish. That seems obvious to me.

    • avocado says

      He is complaining and making me feel guilty for not paying attention to him. He won’t help–he just wants me to spend less time doing chores. Problem is, I already don’t clean the house often enough, so when I do get the chance it takes forever because everything is disgusting. He won’t get on board with my spending less time more often to keep things in good condition. He also thinks I spend too much time doing errands and am out browsing fun stores when I am actually picking up the dry cleaning and grocery shopping.

      • RDC says

        This won’t help with keeping husband occupied, but could you outsource some of the chores? Sounds like a bi-weekly cleaner might help. And I’m a huge fan of grocery delivery.

  8. Anonymous says

    I’m really struggling, and I need a little perspective.

    I just took a new job, which should be an awesome long-term fit for our family (very flexible, low hours, remote work abilities, but a bit of a paycut from past job), but of course, anything new creates anxiety at the beginning (work product subject to scrutiny by new partners, etc.). Husband is in a high stress, high profile position that is not law and is not as lucrative as law, but as stressful. We live in a high cost of living city, and bought a house a few years ago in a good school district. It was slightly out of our preferred price range, but will be comfortably within once daycare costs go away in a year.

    We feel like we have the stress from working, but we aren’t bringing in two BigLaw salaries, so we don’t have the flexibility that comes with extra cash or at least the knowledge we are saving a ton. I just feel stressed a ton lately about about our jobs, savings, etc. In some ways, I have wondered — is this just what life is like with two young kids and a mortgage and being an “adult”? I asked my mom, and she somewhat breezily answered that she thinks we are so stressed because I work outside the home. I cant tell if time has just given her rose colored glasses about what life was like when we were small, and I guess putting aside my career aspirations or money worries, is she right? I grew up in a small city, low cost of living, and she stayed home until my sister and I were in middle school. Are my husband and I making it harder on oursleves by living in a city, working two jobs, and managing kids? Or is this just life wherever you are, and she just doesn’t remember stressing about money on one income or being bored or whatever else was going on at the time?

    • Momata says

      Obviously, I don’t know you or your mom. But I think there are two quick ways to cut through this. First, you’ve said that you purposefully stretched financially for the time that you’re paying daycare to afford the house you will want to live in once kiddo enters public school in a year. (I think this makes a ton of sense.) This means your current money situation is time-limited. You will have $20k more in a year (based on my MCOL costs and assuming you’ll still need aftercare or a nanny). Same with the current pressures on your job, which – once you prove yourself and get in a groove – will be flexible/low hours/remote which will help a TON. So I don’t think temporary pressures of your daycare expenses and your current work stress warrant getting stressed about your meta life choices. I totally get why you’re stressed in the moment – but it’s temporary, by design.

      As for your mom’s comment – I would bet this has more to do with the choice to SAH/work outside the home than it does about those meta life choices. Women are weird about this. Don’t give it more weight than it’s worth.

      • avocado says

        +1. Your financial and career stress are time-limited, so focus on the long-run perspective. Re. your mom’s comment, she probably remembers things through rose-colored glasses. My parents paid for a home in a HCOL area on one salary, but they also stuck to a very strict budget and didn’t have money to eat out or buy nice things or pay for emergency home repairs. Life with small kids is just a struggle no matter what.

    • Pogo says

      Honestly, how I approach it is: I put in what I feel I’m being compensated for, as does DH. I’m not trying to say you and your husband are manufacturing stress, but after two really high stress jobs in a row I made the decision that I would put in good work product, but not go above and beyond expecting that some day I’d be compensated or promoted or whatever, because it never happened. I am SO much happier now that I’ve made that decision.

      If someone was going to pay me $250K, sure. Then I would feel ok stressing out and killing myself… and I’d also be able to hire people to watch my kid 12 hours a day and clean my house and buy my groceries etc. Since we don’t make that kind of money, we draw the line on how hard we work.

    • HSAL says

      I second Momata’s comments about this being temporary. We saved zero dollars last year, which was our first year with daycare. And the housing stuff – we’ll be in the same boat. We can afford a house in our desired school district, but it’ll be a stretch until we’re out of the daycare years.

      I think life these days with two working parents is inherently different than when my parents were raising kids (late 70s-early 80s). My mom worked part-time when we were young, but I’m still convinced she was both home full-time and working full-time, because my parents arranged their schedules so that (with some family help) we never had regular babysitters or anything. They didn’t have student loans, and I know they weren’t worried about school districts. They raised three kids in a four bedroom house with one bathroom. Our washer and dryer were in the kitchen. When I was 8 they added an addition with a second bathroom, family room, and laundry/mud room. And they were able to retire comfortably before 60.

      So I do think some of it we bring on ourselves (e.g., school district) and that’s something I can deal with. Otherwise I think it’s a combination of life being harder for two working parents these days, and yeah, I’m sure your mom has forgotten some of the rough times.

    • Anon in NYC says

      I feel your pain. So much commiseration. We just have one kid, but are contemplating a second in the near term. I took a massive pay cut from biglaw to my current job. We are fortunate in that both my and my husband’s jobs can be very much 9-5. But, we live in a HCOL area, daycare is nearly as much as our rent, our weekends are filled with errands that are not at all fun (laundry + grocery shopping + meal prep), we’re barely saving (almost nothing), and we have to be so so careful with our budget every month. Sometimes it’s just hard and you are not alone in feeling like this!

      I realized that part of why it feels like all work and no fun is because we just have less money to pay for convenience. If I was still in biglaw, I’d pay for someone to do my laundry, for groceries to be delivered to my door, and for the pre-chopped cauliflower. I wouldn’t worry about buying a new pair of shoes or updating my wardrobe. We’d go on dates more often!

      But, we brought that financial stress on ourselves. I chose to take a lower paying job. We’re choosing to live in a HCOL area. I do question whether it would be “easier” if we lived somewhere else. I do think about leaving the city and living in a suburb where we’d have a house and yard and maybe my mortgage would be lower than my rent and groceries wouldn’t cost so much, but I have to balance that against the lifestyle (commute + commuting costs). We probably are making it harder on ourselves by living where we do, but there are so many factors that go into our choice to live where we do that I still remain convinced that this is the best choice for our family right now.

      I think your mom definitely has rose-colored glasses. Also, you’re currently going through a high stress period (new job) that amplifies all other stress. Just keep that in mind while you’re questioning all of your life choices.

    • rakma says

      Yes, I think it is just the reality of young kids, two jobs, and not making Big Law money. And it’s hard, but it does sound like you’re in a temporary high stress period, and will get a bit of a break soon.

      I have the most boring, prosaic dreams (If my salary ever hits x, I’m hiring a monthly cleaning service! One year we’re gonna spring for aeration and seeding of the lawn!) I do pay for grocery delivery, and the pre-chopped onions, because that’s the way I actually cook dinner and don’t order take out–usually.

      I’d guess your mom is looking at it through rose-colored glasses, because both my mom and MIL seem to remember everything that way. Neither worked full time with small kids, and both have made ‘poor you’ comments about how hard it must be for me. But I feel like I’d have a harder time with the dependence on my husband’s salary, having no backup for childcare, stretching the food budget until pay day, not buying a house in the school district you want until your oldest kid is done with elementary school–all things they wear as a badge of honor.

    • Blueberry says

      In a sense, yes, you have brought this upon yourself. However, the critical question is: would you guys want it any other way? Sounds like life is pretty great all things considered, notwithstanding the hectic and expensive craziness that is having young children. My life is totally nuts as well, but this is the life I chose/choose. I would not be happy in a provincial place staying at home with my kids.

    • CPA Lady says

      Living in a LCOL is the most magical thing ever and I will forever sing its praises. It makes everything so much easier.

      That said, part of the stress you’re talking about is the reality of modern family life that is true for me too, LCOL notwithstanding. It’s what made the book “All Joy and No Fun” ring so true to me.

      Someone brought this up in the last few days, that parenting standards are so different than they were even 30 years ago. So what staying home with the kids was like when your mom did it is probably quite different from how it is now. As a working mom, I probably do more “parenting” (itself a new concept) than my SAHM mother ever did. If we were all cooped up in the house together, my mom’s response was not to orchestrate an outing to the local children’s museum, it was to send me and my sister out into the yard to play unsupervised.

      Things are just different now. We expect ourselves to parent like full time SAHMs, work like full time workers, and keep house like full time housewives, while living in houses that are so large that in the past the only people who lived like that had servants. But we’re supposed to do everything without help. And stay skinny. And not yell because we don’t want to harm our child’s emotional development. And our kids all take 20 different lessons starting at age 4 months. And none of us live close to our families. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CAUSING ANY STRESS, I JUST DON’T GET IT.

      • Pogo says

        +a million to this.

        I remember as a kid having to play quietly because my mom was napping. While we were home alone with her. Can you imagine any mom you know these days allowing herself a nap and just letting the kids run free?

      • anne-on says

        +a million

        That book was SO GOOD. It is especially hard if your entire family is in a HCOL (so you don’t want to move away, because family ties) but they all bought homes when it was possible to do so on 2x yearly salaries for blue collar families – that is NOT true any more, thanks inflation! And then those parents/inlaws just cannot imagine why you don’t just stay home, like they did!

    • anon says

      I so relate to your question, especially now that we bought an apartment in NYC and have committed to staying in this insanely expensive place, having an hour-long commute each way (for me), etc – the irrevocability of the purchase made me suddenly question the commute i had been fine with for a year prior. But like others have said, no matter what you are going to feel better when that daycare money is back in your wallet. My son is in public preK this year, and it is life-changing. I also remember my SAH cried a lot when I was a kid, and she’s blocked a lot out. If you knew for certain what would make you happiest, you would do it, but it is impossible to know without trying things and experiencing the trade-offs, so you do the best you can.

    • In House Lobbyist says

      And I think things cost a ton more now. Next to our mortgage, our next category is food – between $600-700 a month which seems insane to me. But we do cook 3 meals a day and my children are not content with cereal for breakfast – they want bacon and eggs and don’t get me started on how much they love good cheese. And I second that parents today spend so much more on our kids that our parent’s generation did – I never had a swim lesson or ballet in my life.

  9. H13 says

    I have a nanny for my 3 month old for the next 6 weeks until a spot opens up at daycare. She is willing to help him learn how to nap independently. Currently, he naps well when held but only for about 10-30 minutes when put down.

    He doesn’t go to sleep independently at night but nights have been going pretty well and I am hesitant to mess with anything while I am getting decent sleep.

    The nanny wants a game plan so that she (and we) can be consistent.

    Ideas for a plan? Just have her hold him until July and let daycare deal with it when he goes?

    • Anonymous says

      I say let daycare deal with it. For some reason, being in a new environment with new caregivers is like a re-set button. My kiddo also would only nap on me during maternity leave, but when he went to daycare at 4 months, within two days he was sleeping independently in his crib. He’s a toddler now and still naps better at daycare than at home.

    • Momata says

      I also say let daycare deal with it. If you nap train now, he’s just going to have to nap train again when he changes his environment in July.

      • H13 says

        Thanks, ladies. The nanny will hold him if I want her to but I don’t think it is her preference. Maybe 1-2 naps a day and then work on putting him down for the others. I think short naps are the norm at this age anyway.

        Fingers crossed that nights stay decent!

        • AnonMN says

          Maybe if you tell her she can bring her Kindle/book/etc? I find that naps with kids sleeping on me are much more plesant when I go into it with something to do. So on the weekends now, I just carve out the time, and read after my son falls asleep.

          But I agree with others, wait for daycare. He’ll also be at a better age for it to stick. Right now he’s about to go through the 4 month regression, and is still pretty little for independent sleep.

      • Em says

        I posted on here about nap training my son for daycare (he would sleep in a rock-n-play but not a crib) and everyone told me to let daycare do it. I listened, and the first day of daycare he napped for 2 hours in a crib. I have no idea what they did, but they really are used to figuring this stuff out.

    • Jen says

      Your choice, but I’ve done both. My first went to daycare at 3 months and daycare handled it. It was great.

      My second, I was home until she was 8 months and after that I was only working 2-3 days/week and had a nanny. This baby was a much worse sleeper from the beginning, and I don’t think being at hkemhelped. She did exactly what you describe- only napped well when held. Also terrible night sleeper. We did cry it out at 4.5 months at night, and then we did it at naptime. It worked like a charm.

      In hindsight I bet daycare did the same thing. I just didn’t see it.

      • avocado says

        I have a theory that day care tires them out a lot more than being home does. At day care, they put the babies on the padded floor and had them crawling around and playing for pretty much the entire day. At home, she spent some time on the floor but I also wore her and held her a lot. I think spending the entire day on the floor just wears them out so it’s easier for day care to get them to sleep.

        • H13 says

          Thanks, all. I think the nanny is struggling with how best to handle him. He is a tough baby and cries a lot (as she keeps reminding me). I think it is mostly that he is tired, honestly.

          I’m fine if she reads or messes around on her phone while she holds him. I definitely do those things. I would love it if she could put him down and do laundry and start dinner but it probably isn’t in the cards right now.

          • Jen says

            Just…sympathy. My first baby was the worlds easiest. My second was not. She’s 9 months and still gets up 3-5x/night. I only gonin once or twice, but it wakes me up when she *screams*. For a while she was sleeping 7-5am then 5:30am-7am but that went out the window with back to back ear infections so….back to sleepless nights for mom.

    • ccla says

      Daycare will probably take care of that quickly. But for the next six weeks, I think it’s reasonable for the nanny to want a game plan for consistency. If you haven’t already, consider providing her with a proposed schedule. I’ve found that caretakers really appreciate having one even if they end up deviating from it as needed. And bonus, if you’re not already following a schedule, implementing one may help baby move toward napping independently! That’s around the age where they say babies are aware of their surroundings more, so if you can put them down just awake enough that they recognize they are in the crib when starting the nap, they’re more likely to get through more than one sleep cycle there.

      • H13 says

        Suggestions on identifying a schedule? I’ve given her approximate wake times to follow and how often to feed him. Heck, I would love a schedule!

        I’ve also toyed with having her do a more formal shush/pat or pick-up/put-down training just so she feels she is trying to improve things.

        This is also my first time having long term hired help. There is a learning curve!

        • ccla says

          Don’t know if you’ll see this reply, but I swore by the schedule in the “Moms on Call” book from about 3-6 months. Still use it a 8 months but less rigidly. I didn’t discover it until my daughter was about 2 months old, but we gradually implemented an eat/play/sleep routine (which isn’t unique to MOC, that just felt like the most accessible version). I literally printed out the applicable schedule from the book for the nanny and any sitters and left it in the kitchen, understanding that if baby was really hungry or sleepy they could deviate a little, but that’s one of the things I loved about MOC – they have this concept of a “crazy day” which I interpreted to mean literally any day that wasn’t going according to plan, and they mark the events in the schedule that if you follow nothing else, if you at least keep these few things in place for the schedule that day, it shouldn’t throw off the rest of the week.

          I also talked with the nanny to set clear guidelines around when to pick up and comfort baby and when to let her whimper, which helped with consistency (nanny and sitters tended to jump in to comfort the minute baby made a sound, which was not our preference, so clear requests here helped too). First time mom here so my sample size is small, but that book came highly recommended from some veteran moms and since it worked miracles for us (11 hours a night by 11 weeks plus regular naps, all in the crib), I will forever sing its praises. I wish you luck!

  10. Post-Nursing Chest says

    Six months after being done nursing (actually, exclusively pumping) I’ve come to terms with my floppy-dog-ear boobs. The question is, how do I find a bra that makes my clothes fit? I got measured at Nordstrom and “diagnosed” with a near-impossible size (30dd). None of their bras fit (the fitter only found three of that size in the whole store). I ordered some online and none fit either, some cups were huge, most others very high for my frame (5’1, protruding sternum) and landed above my collarbone. I’m back to wearing sports bras under my work clothes and feel sad. Pre-preg I was a 32c but feel like I have a much flatter chest now and the old bras don’t fit at all. Do I need to get resized again? Where? Or is there some solution I’m overlooking (not plastic surgery)? Is there some sort of “universal” bra I can buy in the meantime nicer than sports bras? Or, do I need to embrace feminism and my new natural shape?

    • Anonymous says

      I’m a similar size (32dd), with similarly sad post-nursing boobs, and I find that Freya, Third Love, and Elle MacPherson work really well for me. With Elle MacPherson I have to go up in band size though.

    • rakma says

      I found I needed a different kind of bra post-nursing. While I used to wear mainly demi-cups. I needed full cups after nursing, to help get the shape I wanted under clothes. I also found I preferred non-padded cups, the padded cups didn’t really match my new shape.

      I’d get remeasured, and look at ‘sister sizes’ (I might have made that up) 30dd and 32d and 34c would all have a different cup to band ratio, but would all fit around your circumference, and might fix the too big cup issue.

      I found the fitting I did at Nordstrom’s very stressful, because they only had one style in my size, (and one color! I literally only fit into one bra in the whole store) It might be easier to grab a bunch of different styles/sizes, find what you think is working best, then ask the associate for similar bras to narrow it down.

    • Anon says

      I am on the opposite end (2nd trimester, finally gaining weight and having to buy new bras) and have sized out of all of my favorite bras (now in the 36/38 I/J categories and brushing up against the upper limits of Nordstrom’s selection in brands I’m familiar with). I ordered a bunch of bras in and around my size from a bunch of different brands online from Nordstrom (because the odds of a particular size being in my local store are small) tried them on at home to see what fit (having been fitted before, I have a good sense of what to look for), hit 1/12, and just reordered another 10 or so that were more similar (brand/style) to the one I found that did fit. Remains to be seen if I have better luck, as unlined lace, while super comfy, isn’t perfect for work. All ears if the girls keep growing on where to buy bras if I outgrow Nordstrom. I love that I can either return ship for free or swing by the store to return after work. Convenience of returns is huge for me.

      You might get remeasured. Nordstrom has a good reputation, but I’ve had mixed experiences – some fitters were better than others.

      If you have a bra specialty shop near you, try that. My sister used to like Soma (she was a 30G – also hard to find), but found a lot of them were minimizers, which she doesn’t like now that she has embraced her new shape (she was a bit of a tomboy). Now I think there’s a specialty shop near our parents’ home she visits when needed.

      • Anonymous says

        Agree that Nordstrom can be hit or miss. But if you find someone who really knows their stuff, it is life changing!

    • Blueberry says

      +1 to trying a specialty bra shop if you have one nearby. You can also try ordering a bunch online and keeping the ones that work, since there are online shops with a lot more options in unusual sizes. I was around a 30dd before kids, and there are a lot of options. I’ve never bought anything from the site Journelle, but they have a lot of nice stuff in all kinds of sizes, and they are having a sale now. They also have some really beautiful stuff — buying some really cute bras for my post-nursing champs helped me get over the fact that they are permanently… different.

      • Chest says

        Thank you, I have never seen the site before and the pieces are beautiful! And thank you for the hope.

    • Meg Murry says

      Have you tried measuring yourself using the instructions on Reddit’s A Bra That Fits? https://www.reddit.com/r/ABraThatFits/wiki/beginners_guide
      Once you have done your measurements there, you can look at recommendations for your size and shape.

      Do the 30DD bras that you ordered fit in the band but the cups are too big? Do you otherwise like them, and could you try re-ordering in a 30D to see if the DD measurement was off a little?

      • Chest says

        Okay, this is interesting! I have not measured myself in this fashion and will try this when I get home. Yes, in the 30dd the band generally fits and the underwires seem like the right width and size but the cups seem to be meant for much more tissue and/or much “taller” (?) breasts.

    • PatsyStone says

      Try the subreddit /r/abrathatfits. I had no idea what size I even was after having a kid. Though the number did not impress me, I went to Target and tried on about 10 bras in the size range. I think their sizing goes to 42DDD.

    • Thisperson1 says

      32dd dog eared boob sister here. Soma had some bras that worked for me. (And a savings account specifically for perking the ladies up someday)

      • CPA Lady says

        ^ same. Soma is wonderful, especially their stunning support line. I’m also a 32DD/DDD depending on the bra.

    • anon says

      I responded on your post from yesterday this afternoon – take a look.

      • Chest says

        Thank you! I am going to try finding a specialty shop. I found the Nordstrom fitting experience similarly stressful to what rakma described and would love to have a better experience with better results.

        Thank you all for the great advice so far! I now have several avenues to explore before giving up :)

    • MSJ says

      Same size. The best bras for me are Natori Feathers and Third Love, but +1 to reddit. As for the universal bra, I still have some coobies around from my fluctuating pregnancy days and they work around the house. They’re not as good at shaping as a real underwire, so I tend not to wear them when I’m dressing up

      • Chest says

        Sorry if this is a stupid question. Several people recommended SOMA so I will be looking for those. When you ladies are referring to SOMA bras, are you talking about the store or the brand? I.e. should I look for bras made by SOMA or go to the online shop soma dot com?

  11. EB0220 says

    Maybe too late in the day but looking for thoughts from parents of elementary school-aged kids. I was planning to do after-school care for my rising kindergartner. It’s run by the YMCA and located at the elementary school. It’s $1,999.80 for the year. I was thinking this week, though, and realized that I HATE having 2 pickups. My 2 kids are at 2 different daycares now, with the toddler near my office and the preschooler near our house. Elementary school is also near our house so my routine would be pretty similar. Husband handles the morning dropoff but I’m on my own for pickup because of his schedule. So – long preface – can anyone give me feedback on official afterschool care vs hiring someone to meet kiddo at the bus in the afternoon? I’m thinking grandma might be up for meeting her twice a week, and I’d have to hire someone for the other few days. Any feedback on after-school coverage is appreciated!

    • avocado says

      The cost for the Y program is very good–in our area, after-school care at the Y or a day care would run you about twice that. I would try it and then look into hiring someone if it doesn’t work out. My experience is that a nanny becomes more important as they get older and have more homework and more extracurriculars that require transportation. Once your kids are both in school, a nanny will also make more economic sense because you will be comparing the cost of one nanny with the cost of after-school tuition for two, whereas right now it’s nanny v. after-school tuition for one.

      • avocado says

        You could also do a combination–after-school a few days a week and grandma whenever she’s available. You may be able to pay for after-school on a part-time basis, or just pay the full-time tuition to give yourself more flexibility with grandma’s availability.

        • Meg Murry says

          +1 to a combo if possible. My son rode the bus to Grandma’s house 2X a week and went to aftercare 3 days a week. It was really nice for my son to have that Grandma time, with the added bonus that we did dinner with my family then on those nights.

          If my math is correct, most schools are approximately 180 days a year, so your aftercare from the Y is about $11 a day, or about $60 a week. Even for 3 days a week you’ll probably pay a lot more than $60 a week for an after school nanny. However, if that after school nanny also did some work toward getting dinner ready or light housework (unloading the dishwasher or dryer, etc) that would probably be worth way more $$ in terms of your sanity.

          Or is there any chance of moving the toddler to the daycare near your house and sending your older kid there for aftercare? That’s what we did with my oldest (on the 3 non-grandma days), and it meant only 1 pickup and more continuity for him to go back to the school he was comfortable with in the afternoons.

    • anon says

      I’m doing the two dropoff/pickup routine and it’s not my favorite. However, my son is in our school’s YMCA program and I’ve been super grateful for the consistency. I never have to worry about coverage from a sitter because it’s always there. It sounds like you have the chance to do a combination of sitter + official before/after-care, which sounds like the best of both worlds.

      Also, if you have a really social kid, like I do, using the school’s program is an awesome way to ensure certain social needs are being met. ;)

      • anon says

        Also, the YMCA program is ridiculously reasonable, especially if you’re a YMCA member already. Our yearly family membership is paid for by the amount we save using the member rate for before/aftercare.

  12. In House Lobbyist says

    My son wanted to stay for aftercare in K this year but he quickly decided he didn’t want to go anymore. It was kind of crazy, loud and not a lot of fun after a few times. I think he needed down time and there wasn’t any quiet in aftercare. So I would vote for a combo if you can swing it.

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