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(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
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Kid/Family Sales
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Anon says
Daycare just told me they’re not going to have an infant spot available until 2 months after my return to work date (older child goes there, we’ve been on the waitlist for 11 months). AHHHHHHH!!! Any thoughts on what the heck we do for childcare for those 2 months?!?
Anon2 says
Can you fly in grandparents for 2-week shifts? Have dad take some vacation? Push your start date back a month? Have any SAHM friends who would babysit for two months?
Sorry, that sounds so stressful!
Anonymous says
+1 on checking with your village. I’m off on Monday afternoons and Fridays for the next year. I would totally help out a friend who needed childcare for a couple months just one day a week.
My mom wasn’t interested in full time childcare but she would have flown in for 3-4 weeks to cover until I got a daycare spot. Reach out to your village.
Anonymous says
Fly in grandparents, hire a nanny, have your partner take PTO.
It stinks but you will unfortunately soon need to figure out backup care for daycare (babies are sick ALL the time the first year) so May as well!)
Anon says
Yeah I’m lazier than many here I think, but I’d tell my employer I can’t get childcare for two more months and ask about an unpaid leave of absence. Grandparents are a good option if that’s a possibility. Hiring a nanny is a ton of work and I wouldn’t want to go though that for such a short term thing but YMMV.
I’m sorry! that sucks. I know waitlists are crazy but normally younger siblings have enough priority to get accepted in time.
Anon says
I’d do the same.
anonn says
I’d start with your employer too. When I told my boss my spot wasn’t available for another week ( I know 2 months is different) she was like ok well then we’ll just extend your leave. It was a no-brainer for them ( it was unpaid) What are they going to do really, no way they can replace you in 2 months. Could you WFH/ bring the baby?
Boston Legal Eagle says
I recommend this for everyone but, this is the perfect opportunity for your spouse to take their own parental leave. I’m assuming husband here, and if so, great opportunity for them to bond and him to be an equal co-parent.
Spirograph says
+a million
If this is not possible, my next options in order would be
– continued unpaid leave of absence
– grandparents
– kindly friends / neighbors / people from faith community
– nanny
I personally would not want to try to work remotely with an infant at home. I do think it’s possible, I just know it would stress me out. I prefer not to switch back and forth between work & mom brain throughout the day.
Clementine says
Ugh, that sucks and I’m sorry.
Yeah, can you fly in a retiree to help you out? Alternately, at least one of my coworkers ended up having both them and their spouse switch to 4 days/week and were able to find a nanny for the other 3 days.
Also, childcare is a nightmarish hellscape.
Anonymous says
Depending on how old your baby will be when you go back, would it be possible for you to WFH as you transition back? I don’t want to imply that WFH isn’t really working and you can just mind a baby and easily do your job, but I know several women who did/do this and it works well enough for them in the early baby period as to be feasible.
anon says
I did this with my peak covid baby. Leave was only 12 weeks, but we weren’t ready for daycare yet because of covid. Husband and I were both wfh and we made it work until things calmed down a bit. It was not ideal and it was stressful but we made it work. Lots of baby wearing and shuffling kid back and forth between meetings.
Anon says
Yeah I expect people to flame you for this, but I think WFH with an infant is pretty manageable, especially if you can get a mothers helper for a few hours a day of focused work. My husband was our kid’s sole work day (M-F 9-5) caregiver from age 6-11 months, and was able to do a lot of work. He said it got harder towards the end when she was more mobile but was pretty easy in the beginning. If nothing else, babies that age nap for nearly half the work day.
Anon says
It’s definitely kid-specific and you can’t predict the type of kid you’ll get. An infant is easier than a toddler for sure, but some of them are more alert and mobile sooner than others, and others are screamier than others and nap in 10-min bursts. My kids were all very mobile by 6 months (like, moving across a room and starting to climb) and I can’t imagine doing justice to them and to work.
In a pinch this may be the best, temporary option, but I firmly believe it’s not fair to baby or employer to plan on this as the main option for an extended time.
Anonymous says
This. My sister’s kid didn’t crawl until 10 months. She could sit him down with a pile of toys and he’d stay there. My oldest started army crawling at 4.5 months and didn’t sit until she was 8 months. If she wasn’t in a baby container, she was moving.
Anonymous says
It can work but it depends on the kid. Kids 1 and 3 took a solid 2 hr nap in the morning and again in the afternoon so I definitely would have been able to work a 50% job. Kid 2 slept in random 45 minutes spurts while I was babywearing only. It was the worst. Ironically he’s the best sleeper now.
Anon says
It depends on the kid and job for sure. I’m just saying I don’t think it should be immediately ruled out. Also the baby might be quite a bit younger than six months.
anon says
Ymmv. This would have been utterly impossible for me and the babies I had.
Anonymous says
+1, same for me (and I don’t think it’s useful to normalize the idea of wfh while caring for an infant – that is way too much for any parent to take on).
Anonymous says
THIS. We should not be normalizing it.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – I know people work this out but I could not do it with either of my kids when they were infants.
With DS #1, I was a first time parent who was hyperfocused on making sure I breastfed for a year (I put way too much pressure on myself), and with DS #2, we were dealing with feeding/spitting issues until ~9 months (turns out he was just a baby who…threw up a lot, no other explanation), so my focus would have been on those things during work hours vs. trying to get work stuff done.
Anonymous says
Please do not do this. You will be super stressed and will not perform well or be perceived as reliable. I won’t be able to call you out on your behavior, and I will be stuck defending you to the rest of the organization. You will contribute to the negative perception of working mothers and will make things more difficult for other new moms in the future, as well as for parents who need to WFH with kids for a few days here and there due to illness and emergencies. I would rather see you extend your leave than return to work without child care.
Signed,
Your boss
Anon says
Dear Boss,
Get over yourself and stop guilt tripping me. If I can get my job tasks done while my baby naps and I am responsive to requests in a timely manner and attend meetings as usual, just keep your mouth shut. Some of us are just trying to get by for a short period with limited options. Didn’t you live through the pandemic?
Sincerely,
Your direct report
Spirograph says
I wish this were the way the world worked, but in many organizations, the boss is right that the perception is likely to hurt you and other parents in a way that, to me, would not be “worth it.”
Anon says
THIS. And fwiw I manage people too. It’s interesting to me that the 9:57 poster thinks no one else on this thread is a boss.
Anon says
Some people aren’t that productive because they are lazy, unmotivated, or unskilled. A working mom with an easy baby can outperform other members on her crappy team. Let’s not pretend all organizations are bastions of efficiency, that bosses even know what their employees do half the time, or that everyone is following rules to a T day after day. Depending on the organization and how demanding your job and baby is, there is often wiggle room. Maybe it will be too stressful and not worth it, but don’t paint moms who do this as a scourge on working parents in general.
Anonymous says
The pandemic was a massive global catastrophe. Your failure to obtain child care in relatively normal times is not. Hire a temporary nanny or extend your leave.
Anonymous says
What baby naps 8 hours a day?
Anon says
Babies that age often nap 4-5 hours and you can work the other hours at weird times, or get a mothers helper for a few hours per day (that’s much cheaper and easier than hiring a full time nanny). Also a lot of jobs can be done in less 8 hours. If an employee is being super efficient and accomplishing more in 6 hours than others do in 8, what exactly is the problem?
Anonymous says
The problem is that you are lying about your billing?
Anon says
Not everyone is a lawyer…
Anonymous says
Lawyers are not the only people who have to account for all of their time.
Anon says
Yes but this isn’t the norm for many salaried employees.
Anon says
Billing time is not the norm among salaried professionals. It’s primarily lawyers who do it, and even then many lawyers are in-house or in government and don’t bill.
As a manager, I would much rather have a mom working hard for 6 hours a day than a mediocre white man who is putting in his 8 hours but accomplishing less than the mom. And believe me, this is not an uncommon situation. Plenty of employees work their 8 hours but but don’t do much.
anon says
Know your organization, but I tend to agree.
Anon says
I did this. We were hiring a nanny (had always been the plan) but it was during peak COVID and it took ages for her background check to come back due to court staffing issues. So I went back to work at 13 weeks postpartum and nanny didn’t start until 18 weeks postpartum. I was upfront with my manager about the fact that I had no childcare and was going to be working weird hours but would get all the work done. I got up at 4/430am every morning and generally had 3-4 hours in before baby was up for the day. Then worked during nap time and took calls as needed when baby was awake but calm. It was intense but it worked because babies just eat and sleep at that age. This baby is now 3 years old and I also have an 8 month old and I can confidently say it would not have worked at any other stage :)
At the time I was a VP at a F500, if it matters. Now SVP so it didn’t hurt me.
Anon says
Go you!
Anon says
Wow. Thanks for sharing.
It annoys me when people on this site jump to conclusions about what will damage you career. Everyone is different. Situations vary. You have to weigh pros and cons for yourself.
Anonymous says
Agreed; I wouldn’t want to get up at 4 am to work every day, but if that’s your preference I think it’s a fine thing to do.
AIMS says
Agree. You also have to work with the situation you have. If OP can’t extend leave and spouse cannot take leave and no family is around nearby who can help, the options are limited and you have to figure out how to make that work.
Anonymous says
My boss did this and I have really mixed feelings about it. It was not during COVID and she did it so her baby didn’t start daycare till a year old (for reasons that are valid but also arguable). I frankly was a bit bitter, as I had a kid before she did and she did not give me much flexibility or grace, so it was frustrating to see her suddenly develop that and expect it from others when she was in that situation. I also hated having calls with her while her child was there, or crying, or she was moving around the house and rescheduling because of it, etc.
All that is to say, WFH while also doing childcare should be an absolute last resort. I’m sure in some jobs it’s possible but any job where you have to meet with others means that they will inevitably be inconvenienced or confronted with your multi-tasking. Not to mention if COVID taught me anything taking care of a kid and working at the same time is horrible and hard for you too.
Anon says
Here is the thing: you don’t have to arrange your entire life to avoid pissing people off occasionally. It’s not the end of the world if a bitter co-worker resents you because you are doing what you believe is right for your family.
Anon says
+1 million to Anon at 1:30.
I had a partial WFH arrangement pre-Covid. My childless co workers were bitter about it and complained constantly. But I asked for it and it was granted to me because I was a good performer. Maybe they could have had a similar arrangement if they’d asked. And if not, it would have been because the company wasn’t as interested in retaining them. If an employee is “getting away” with something you couldn’t, it’s because the company values them more.
Anon says
I’m Anon at 10:26, and what your boss did would absolutely not have worked for me (or for my boss/company!). There is a big difference between taking calls with a 4 month old in the background as a last resort, and taking those same calls with an 11 month old.
Also to be clear – I was almost never multi-tasking (unless I was on a call while wearing a sleeping baby or nursing). If baby was awake and interactive, I was interacting with baby. And then the second baby fell asleep in my arms or in the crib or carrier, I sprinted to my desk and worked until they woke back up. It was constant context switching more than it was multi-tasking.
Anonymous says
1:53, I don’t think it’s that the company valued the boss more. It’s that the same person who refused to give OP flexibility demanded it for herself. And clearly the boss did not handle working with a child at home well.
Anon says
It was kind of two separate thoughts. I emphatically agree with the 1:30 poster that you shouldn’t go through life trying to avoid making your co-workers bitter. You need to do what works for your family and the parameters of your job, and if you can get your work done in a way that works for your family, who cares how others feel about it? Do you think I should have given up my negotiated work from home perk just because my co-workers were bitter about it? And then, separately, if you’re the one who is bitter about what a co-worker is doing, maybe sit with the fact that a) you might get the same perks if you asked and b) if you wouldn’t get the perks, maybe it’s because the company doesn’t value you as much (rightly or wrongly). It’s not an easy thing to accept, but the blame doesn’t really lie at the feet of the coworker with the negotiated perk.
Anon says
That’s so frustrating.
I’m in a similar boat. I told daycare at 9 weeks I was expecting. Even with that much notice and a full 12 week leave planned. I’m still looking at a 5 week gap between the end of my FMLA protective leave and a daycare opening.
Luckily my DH’s employer does offer paternity leave. So we’ll be using his leave during the gap.
In a perfect world, I wish we were using his leave when babe first comes but the daycare situation made the choice for us.
Like other posters mentioned, I plan on doing a lot of WFH during my husband’s leave anyway so we can ease into a bottle/pumping routine, etc.
Anonymous says
Interesting that you’d rather have your husband’s leave overlap yours! I really relished just chilling at home alone, especially the first few weeks. And DH felt like there just wasn’t much he could do to help because I was breastfeeding and also perfectly capable of getting my own snacks and drinks throughout the day (routine, easy deliveries, very quick physical recovery). He took a week off but returned to work sooner than we originally planned when baby #1 was born, and only a day or two for babies #2 and #3, and instead took 6-8 weeks when I went back to work each time. He really appreciated having the time solo, and I definitely think it helped establish that he is a competent and co-equal caretaker
Betsy says
+1 to your last sentence. Most people I know who have done their leave like this have really liked it for that exact reason. And anecdotally I will say that I have noticed those dads remain especially good dads years later.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This was our situation for our two kids, and agree husband is still a very involved, great dad.
Anon says
Fully agree that solo time with dad 100% responsible for baby care is a real game changer and I strongly recommend it. It’s important for dads to feel competent to handle their baby on their own and the only way to get there is to do it.
Anon says
It is important for newly postpartum women to rest. Taking care of a newborn and toddler alone while trying to recover from birth was horrible and had long term health consequences for me.
Anon says
A night nurse or doula is likely to be more helpful in that situation than a husband ;)
Anonymous says
Oh I 100% agree that resting is important… it was just easier for me to rest when no one else was in the house with me except my infant. I feel more pressure to be “doing” when I’m being observed (which is a problem in my own head and not at all a reflection on my husband). I’m sorry you were chasing after a toddler as well; that would have been a game-changer. We kept our other kids in daycare during parental leave.
Anonymous says
Oh my gosh, my husband took the first six weeks off with our first , and only one with our second (bc started a new job one week after baby was born that for valid reasons had no flexibility with start date), and I soooooooooooo much preferred having him home. As in, I did not get postpartum depression with the first and did with the second. It was just so hard to be alone with a newborn for weeks on end.
Anon says
My husband took no immediate leave when our daughter was born. He was a professor who got one semester off teaching and we wanted him to take it after I went back to work, so he had to go back to teaching immediately after our kid was born. We did have my mom here for two weeks, but it was way more manageable than I expected to be solo on maternity leave, and I agree with others that the dad being solely responsible for the kid for some period of time is a really good thing.
Anon says
My company has backup care options that could help fill in most of this gap (nanny at home or center-based). Maybe you do too?
Anon says
IF grandparents are interested and able to help, I’d ask about that, but otherwise, spousal leave or unpaid leave of absence (depending on the cost of a temporary nanny versus an unpaid leave).
Anon says
Thank you all! In my continued rant- I’m 6 weeks out from my expected return to work. They only told me today because I’ve been repeatedly asking about the start date. We already used up my husband’s paternity leave and had the grandparents fly in to help earlier in my leave. I see the daycare director every day when I pick my daughter up- why on earth did she not tell me? I’m so frustrated. I get there might not be a spot but 1000% more notice would have been helpful.
Anon says
That is terrible!!
Anon says
You might call home daycares to look for a spot.
NYCer says
Ugh that is beyond frustrating!! I would check with the grandparents again. Just because they helped earlier in your leave doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t be willing to help again in a pinch, assuming they are retired and otherwise able. My mom never would agree to be the sole childcare provider for my kids, but she would have been happy to come help for a month or so if we were desperate. (She has in fact done this when our nanny needed to have surgery.)
Anonymous says
How close are you to your planned return date? If it’s still a couple of months away I would keep asking day care for wait list updates. We were told we’d never get a spot in the infant room at all, but when I kept calling something magically opened up.
Anon says
This happened to us for our first. We were told we had a spot “whenever we wanted,” but apparently that meant whenever we wanted for the fall term, which started in August. We initially were going to have a few weeks to fudge in July between my husband and I’s leave and daycare started and were going to have grandparents come… but then DS came a month early and threw the whole thing off. We ended up getting into an in-home daycare for a month before daycare started– we had a hard time finding anyone to agree to a nannyshare with us for just a short period of time.
Anonymous says
I am on the other side of 7 weeks of patchwork care before we could get into our childcare spot. I am a first time mom and work from home exclusively. Neither my husband nor I had any leave, I had used up my 12 weeks FMLA and we could not float me not working much longer than we did. What we did: was my husband took the option to work from home 2-3 days a week. That was a lot of handing baby back and forth. This was probably the most helpful. We flew in grandparents and family members for anywhere from 2 days to a full week. Not as helpful, I could have set expectations better that I was completely unavailable during working hours. Switching from work to mom brain constantly was a challenge. And some days I had no help, he sat in his bouncer or I wore him for calls, meetings, etc. I worked some outside hours to compensate.
If I had to do this again, I would have hired a babysitter or mother’s helper to cover 4-5 days a week. The patchwork of my husband or our family meant so much mental energy to ensure I had the right coverage for the right meetings. Have consistency would have been better. I did not realize how much of a steep curve I would have getting back from leave and my work has suffered. I have received feedback to that extent as well. Now I am having to double down to prove that I can still cut it in this job.
Anonymous says
This is the reality. You may think you are managing just fine, but you really aren’t.
Manhattan Mom says
This happened to us with my second kid. It’s a very long story, but tl;dr: They kept pushing back the start date, and at some point (when they said it would be at least 5 more months, and that we should just get a nanny in the interim), we decided to investigate other daycares in the area because we were so frustrated. Amazingly, at a very nearby daycare — actually closer to both our apartment and my husband’s office — a family with kids the same age as ours were moving to Boston, and so two spots opened up for our kids just at the time we needed them. We switched, and it was a huge improvement; we hadn’t realized how mediocre our first daycare was. (This was in downtown Manhattan, fwiw.) So one thing to do is contact all the other daycares in the area and tell them you’re desperate, and see if by chance they could make room.
Anonymous says
This would be my biggest concern–that the day care won’t really even have a spot two months after the return to work date. I would be shopping for a new day care for both kids, then informing the current place that if a slot doesn’t open up by X date then they are losing the older one as well as the baby.
CCLA says
I would also just hire the nanny, understanding that slot opening times may vary from their prediction. If the financial burden is too high then I’d explore other options but unless you’re close with the director and can have a heart to heart and feel confident for xyz reasons it really is two months, I wouldn’t bank on it happening on time. It’s tough but it’s not forever, and the nanny will probably make your life the easiest for that period. Make sure nanny is also cool caring for the older kid once in a while too, esp if mildly ill and unable to attend daycare.
I wouldn’t threaten to pull out older kid though – daycare slots are coveted and based on the issue driving this discussion it sounds like they would easily fill older kid’s spot too, so making a threat like that probably wouldn’t have the desired outcome.
Anon says
Would you even be able to hire a nanny for such a short time period? We had one for six months and it was hard to hire because most people wanted at least a one year contract. We ended up finding someone who was pregnant and due around the time we wanted to start daycare, so that worked out well, but two months is even more challenging than six months.
Anon says
anyone else ever feel like the time spent with their kids Monday – Friday is just so unpleasant. In the mornings my kindergartners are grumpy getting up for school (even though they love school they have to get up at 6:15) and then by the time the evening rolls around they are tired so they are exhausted and grumpy again. I can’t say i blame them but sometimes i miss when they were two and excited by watching an ant walk across the sidewalk
Anon says
I think the early start time is a huge factor but I know that’s not your choice. Can they go to bed any earlier so they’re less grumpy in the morning? It might seem counter intuitive because you’re giving up even more time with them, but if it results in more peaceful mornings it will be worth it. Can you spring them from aftercare early once a week/month/quarter (whatever your job allows) and go for a special fun activity?
Clementine says
that sucks and I’m sorry.
I promise, it gets better. For us, we ended up having to leave aftercare and do a sitter/au pair after school. My oldest kid was constantly getting in trouble for weird small (non-issue) things in after care and it was stressful for all of us. Think – he threw the wrapper from his snack away too aggressively, he took too long in the bathroom…
If it’s helpful – I also realized my kids did better when I let them decompress for 20 when they got home. Crackers and some milk, a low-stim show on a tablet or a bike ride, and it makes our whole evening flow better.
Anon says
+1 it’s an unpopular opinion but I think some kids are really just not able to handle aftercare. And I would imagine that’s especially true when school starts so early.
Anon says
+2. Aftercare also didn’t work for one of our kids. She needs more downtime at home or she becomes explosive.
AwayEmily says
No shade on your underlying point — I totally agree that aftercare isn’t the right fit for all kids. However, I don’t understand the trend of prefacing comments with “this is an unpopular opinion, but..” or “I’m going to be flamed for this, but…” It’s okay! I don’t think it’s necessary to hedge about having opinions that other people may not share (also, fwiw I think most people would agree with you — just because aftercare works wonderfully for many folks here doesn’t mean they all think it HAS to work for everyone. We know all kids need different things).
Anon says
I never used to preface opinions with that, but after getting aggressively flamed time after time for what I thought were boring opinions over on the main page, I’m more cautious. I bet others are as well.
Anonymous says
This is a group of working moms, some of which don’t have a choice. So to tell them “your kid may not be cut out for aftercare” could be flaming the mom guilt fire. I think the preface acknowledges that the speaker is delivering a message that could be hard to hear.
Anonymous says
You’re in the earlier days of kindergarten and it’s a hard transition. Lean into the restful activities (whether that’s snuggles and books or free time in the garden) and familiar comfort foods. It gets easier. Plan a nice short activity on the weekends together.
Mary Moo Cow says
Yup. This was peak for me when my kids were about3 and 5. It got slowly better, and now at 6 and 8, those bad weekdays are few and far between. I hope the same will be true for you as everyone adjusts to the Kindergarten schedule.
What made the most difference for me was switching my work schedule just by 15 minutes. I now work 8:15-4:45 and get home by 5:21 instead of working 8:30-5 and getting home at 5:55. Two days a week, my kids go to their grandparents after school and get home at 5:50, so I have time at home to change and reframe and the evenings are so much … lighter? smoother? Is there a way for you for everyone to shift their day or cut it a bit shorter? Like, if kids are in aftercare until 6 because of your work schedule, can you shift it to earlier start and end? If not, can you even cut out early to pick up dinner or get yourself a treat so that when you pick them up, you are in a better mood or dinner is taken care of?
The thing that made the second biggest difference was embracing letting their grumpiness roll off my back and “be a goldfish”: forgetting that they were grumpy that morning when I picked them up/saw them again in the evenings instead of holding a grudge all day.
And the third thing is outside time. Days when I work from home and kids get home with DH at 3:30, I take a break and we chat about the day, play outside for a bit. We also usually eat an early dinner (6-6:30) and walk to the playground for after dinner play from 7-7:30. In the year that we’ve been doing the playground, it’s had an outsized positive impact on our family harmony.
Anon says
+1 to the outside time. I think walking to/from school has been really good for my high-strung kid.
FVNC says
It’ll get better — but probably, never perfect :) My kids are older (5th and 1st grade) and we go in phases. Today they bickered non-stop and it was a struggle to get out the door on time, even though we don’t have to leave until around 8 for before-school care. But many days it’s mostly fine. It’ll get better as they get older and their bodies adjust to the routine.
That said, I’m contemplating taking at least my older one out of before-school care so she can have a more relaxed morning and get homework done when she’s most awake/alert rather than tired in the afternoon. I’m finding that the schedules need constant tweaking!
Anon says
Do you drive the kids to / from school? We have really nice chats during the commute.
Even though my kids were at preschool for roughly the same hours as kindergarten, I do remember them being exhausted after K. We always did some quiet TV time after school do they could decompress. Then they were usually in good enough moods for family dinner and a little play time.
Anon says
I feel this. We have one kindergartner and it’s been rough. She did prek at the same school and same aftercare program but something seems way more intense.
We got up earlier to have more tv and chill time in the morning but she still fights bedtime. When I can I pick her up earlier but I work a 9-5 job in office with only one remote day so it’s not always possible.
I just feel like everything is a fight and then of course we get glowing reports from school and aftercare. The five days of rain didn’t help I think even with making it to swim class etc.
Anonymous says
Need a new rug for the kids room. Would like something soft and cozy. 5 by 8 or 6 by 9. Thinking a light neutral color like beige but open to other suggestions. Under $500. Anyone have something they love?
Anon says
This is very region-specific, but in case you are in the Northeast: Ocean State Job Lot. They have wonderful area rugs as well as bound carpet for dirt cheap. I have furnished four rooms in my new house with beige/neutral 9×12 carpet rugs (soft and durable) for $100 each.
(They get the castoffs from manufacturers, so can offer great quality at a low price. Maybe you have a similar chain of discount stores if you are elsewhere in the country?)
Anon says
Homegoods also has a great rug selection. It changes frequently so you may need to spend a little time finding what you want. I’ve been burned too often buying rugs online that start off soft but wear super fast, that I prefer to see rugs in-person before buying (I’m the Ocean State commenter above). I found a lovely 9×12 wool rug for my bedroom for $400 there.
NYCer says
We have had good luck with Annie Selke for rugs.
Anon says
Anyone have an inside swing? Either one that goes in a doorway or hangs from the ceiling? Where in your house do you have this- especially if you don’t have a basement. How much clearance do you need? I have a kid with some sensory challenges and think a swing would really help her, but also need to make sure my kids don’t kill each other or destroy the house
Anon says
We do and it is amazing for my ADHD/sensory-seeking kids. We actually have 2 now, because mediating fights wasn’t fun for anyone, and it has been totally worth the money. Ours are the DreamGym brand, so hung on a bar that screws into the wooden doorframe. One bar has the DreamGym trapeze, the other has a sensory swing from a different brand.
My kids are only 40lbs, but have swung very high on both bars without them moving at all, so I’m pretty comfortable with their safety. There are also other brands that don’t permanently attach to doorways that friends really like.
Anonymous says
Looking for permission/ advice about leaving my job. Government attorney in a high stress, high hours role. Spouse is big law. I often work more than my spouse, but earn one quarter of the income.
We can certainly afford for me not to work. (Insanely privileged statement coming) – all of my income currently goes to pay for childcare or goes directly to retirement/ savings.
But I can’t imagine not working? My spouse is supportive of me working, but also looking at this rationally believes it doesn’t make sense for me to continue to work. I’m approaching 50, and I fear that if I spend a few years out of the work force I will never get back in. My kids are late elementary age (had kids late). I assume that the kids will take a lot of time for a few years, but by the time they are in high school I will need something to do?
I have looked at changing jobs, but I feel kind of stuck. My choices appear to be stay in government (which is not sustainable if I stay in my current niche area of law) or go to a firm. Which firm hours isn’t something I am looking for. In house isn’t really a think in my niche area.
If you have done this, or considered it, what are the things I should be thinking about?
Anon says
I would quit in your shoes. As kids get older and need you less you can fill your time with volunteer work and/or part time work. It might be hard to go back full time as a lawyer but you won’t have any trouble finding ways to volunteer or quasi-volunteer your time in the industry if that’s what you want.
And girl, stop working Big Law hours right now! You work for the govt. it’s a 9-5 (or less).
FVNC says
The perception that work is 9-5 just because it is govt work is just not true in many areas, not just law. I work way fewer hours in the private sector than most govt employees I know. That said, I don’t disagree with the need to boundary-set when possible.
Anon says
I’m the person who made this comment and I work for the government. The government doesn’t pay us enough to work long hours! If you want to work more because you’re passionate and love your job, that’s great and you do you, but that doesn’t sound like OP’s situation. I would never in a million years work Big Law hours for govt money.
Anonymous says
Some government lawyers have no choice but to work long hours or risk committing malpractice, showing up to court unprepared, etc. See, e.g., public defenders.
FVNC says
Ha, I hear ya! I’m married to, and the daughter of, hyper-over-achieving govt employees. I agree with you entirely that, for the money, working the hours some of them do is insane. But for whatever valid reason — national security, public health (real examples in my family) — sometimes you can’t just go home at 5 despite the relatively low pay. I suspect that’s OP’s situation.
anon says
It’s not always a 9-5.
Anonymous says
Also in govt. Can you go part time? I sold them on part time by agreeing to keep my same client list, and using the half of my salary they were saving to hire very junior lawyer. Success with this depends very much on your practice area. We are very understaffed on admins for a variety of reasons so I was wasting a certain amount of my time editing drafts and various other things that I knew I could parcel out and download.
Other than leaving entirely, can you take a leave of absence for year and try out something else – maybe legal writing or teaching? Are there other roles at other govt agencies you could move to? Or non-legal roles in govt that might interest you?
Mary Moo Cow says
Would you mind sharing some details about how cutting your salary in half impacted your benefits? I’m in government dreaming about going part time but hesitant to give up health insurance (I carry our family), vacation, sick time, retirement contributions, etc. There isn’t a model for part time at my agency but I’m gathering information on whether I could pitch it in a few years.
Anonymous says
My workplace has a combined paid leave bucket for everyone not just part time. The amount I get is prorated based on my hours. Part time automatically moves me from the defined benefit retirement plan to the lousy defined contribution one but I can buy the years later on which we are planning to do with my additional salary when I go back to full time in a couple years. DH has the better healthcare plan so that wasn’t an issue. I’m assuming that the same for OP as her DH is big law.
I work with three main client contact points who I have longstanding relationships with. I don’t check email on my time off so they/my boss will text my work phone if something is urgent. I’ve had to close the occasional deal in a parking lot after dropping my kid at an activity but that’s been rare. That’s where the junior helps. They are on the call and do the actual work and send out the final versions but they don’t have the experience to get the other side to take the deal or come up with alternative acceptable wording on the fly.
Anon says
If she’s already working more hours than needed, going part time seems like it will just be a pay cut with minimal reduction in workload.
Anonymous says
It really depends on how it’s structured and what the cause of the extra hours is. If she has one client that’s the cause of extra hours and can ditch them, it might work.
Mary Moo Cow says
It is something I dream about. Would it be feasible to contract part time with your agency? I know of women who have parlayed government contractor into full time government employee, but perhaps there is a way to do the reverse. If you are niche and valuable, it might be feasible.
It sounds like taking some time off wouldn’t send you into a financial tailspin. If your spouse supports you not working, I would go for it.
Spirograph says
Do you want to stay in your niche area of law? or even in law in general? You sound burnt out (I see you!) and maybe the answer is to go in a totally different direction, at least for a little while. I’ve been thinking about this a lot for myself recently… I don’t care about staying my industry or area of “expertise,” I’m tired of my job, but I do want to work. I’ve been talking to friends and acquaintances about their jobs to low-key network, and perusing Indeed with filters only for location, and there’s a lot of stuff that sounds kind of interesting and that I could probably do just by virtue of being a smart mid-career professional with good critical thinking and communication skills. I just need to figure out the money piece. It sounds like that isn’t as much of a factor for you, so yes… permission granted. Go find your best life without your current job!
Anon says
Agreed, you might be surprised what you can do with just brains and good writing skills. I left an IP law career for a much less intense job in communications/marketing. I did have a personal connection, but I don’t think it’s impossible to make this kind of switch even without one. My then-boss was really impressed with how much writing experience I had, even if it wasn’t the same kind of writing. I’m happy here for now but when I’m 55 and my youngest is through college I plan to quit and go freelance, because a steady income will be less important at that stage of life.
Anonymous says
I work in government – consider non-attorney roles or look around for ‘job share’ roles. You may need to switch areas of law; however, one of my recent hires is an attorney who needed a job where he could be the default parent for his very young kids. He still uses his attorney-ing skills (I work in policy/finance and we deal with statutory interpretation quite a bit.
Anon says
Can you get a flexible hours of counsel position at a firm? Often those with govt experience can come in as advisors with a cushy sort of status, advising on matters without being as beholden to a big firm schedule.
AIMS says
I think you may be underestimating your options, especially if money isn’t really a factor. Maybe you can find a teaching position like adjunct writing professor or write briefs for a small firm or serve as of counsel with a smaller work load. There are lots of ways to stay in the workforce and work less hours. Hard to say without knowing specifics of your situation but if you’re in a geographic area with Big Law, I would imagine you’re in an area with other things you can do.
Anon says
Internet stranger in her mid 30s who is also an attorney (public interest) and recently quit to stay at home with her little kids gives you permission to quit. I have significantly less work experience than you and am optimistic that I’ll be able to find a job when I want to return in a few years. I don’t know what it will look like (maybe I will not be able to practice in the same area of law) and quite frankly I’m terrified (but optimistic I’ll find something). Like you, my husband has a big job and outearns me significantly so I had the immense privilege of quitting.
Things I considered:
– what kind of parent I want to be. I wanted to be able to volunteer at my kids’ school, be there after school, cook meals at home for them, take them to the library, randomly take them to school early or late “just because.” I also was not feeling great about outsourcing so much childcare. We still outsource some childcare (oldest is in preschool) but we would’ve needed 50-60hrs of coverage for me to continue to work full time, and probably 30-40 if I was part time. I did not want my kids in school 7am-6pm.
– what my kids need. Baby has some non life threatening health issues that needs a lot of managing, which I could do while working part time, but I didn’t want to divide my attention between work and keeping up with his medical care/appts/etc.
– my husband. He has a big job. Works most weekends, is on call a lot, lots of emergency surgeries. He tries to be present but his job is demanding so his time and energy is limited. Neither of us realized life would turn out this way, but it has (I know, I know, we should’ve known better with his profession but hindsight is 20/20). It’s not ideal for raising a family, and I wanted to be as present as I could for my kids because my husband can’t always be.
– my thoughts on career. I am less ambitious after having kids. My attention is divided and I don’t have the energy to give work my 100%. It also doesn’t define me as much as it did pre-kid. Sometimes I see my (usually childless) peers accomplishing great things: I am happy for them and also slightly jealous! But I know I cannot have it all. I am mostly content with putting my career on pause because I know my kids are young only once. Also, my job took up too much of my emotional energy, which is not infinite.
– my childhood. My mom never paused her career to spend more time with us. We have a decent relationship and I had about as happy as a childhood as one could have (thanks to our dad who was super present), but I have always felt like her career took priority over us (even if it wasn’t the case in her mind). I still feel this way and don’t want my kids to feel that.
Good luck with your decision!
Anon says
I didn’t quit, but I leaned way way out and would +1 a lot of these points, except in my case my mom put her career on the back burner for decades and I really appreciated it.
I could not have anticipated how much joy it brings me (and my kids) for me to be the mom who is always volunteering at school, knows all the teachers and the other moms, and is home with them after school. I obviously loved my kids when they were babies and toddlers but it was not terribly hard for me to put them in daycare ~40 hours per week. But they get so much more interesting when they’re school age and I suddenly found myself wanting to be around them as much as possible, especially because this time is so fleeting and I know soon they won’t want to be around me all the time!
Anon says
Thank you for posting this. I also have a spouse with in Big Law, who is a true partner and does everything he can, and that energy piece is REAL. I am trying to figure out what is next for me – I don’t want to leave the workforce, or even go PT, but I am also tired of putting in 100%+ for something that does not love you back (a company, organization, etc.) This has all come to head for me as I’ve dealt with a highly toxic boss, and then once I left their orbit, I was in a situation where I’ve had to “re-prove” myself to our senior leadership because toxic boss had kept sharing that I had performance issues (I didn’t, truly!). They have left the organization, and I have a much better boss now.
However, I’m exhausted, and I’m done with taking on these pressure cooker situations at work. And yes, I’m looking and/or thinking about quitting for a bit just to regroup. I just interviewed for a job today which would be an amazing opportunity and I want them to want me…but I don’t know if I want to take on that pressure right now.
DH is up for a promotion, and if he gets it, it will mean for a few more years, he’ll work even more as he builds his own client base. If this promotion happens, we will really need to hash out what life needs to look like to make sure everyone at home is supported and things are flowing smoothly. If it DOES NOT happen, it will be a huge blow to DH, and we’ll still need to figure out what is next for us work-wise and what we want it to look like.
avocado says
I am a little younger than you with a daughter who is a high school senior. I quit my toxic job this summer and wish I’d done it years ago. I was earning close to half of our household income, and my husband definitely does not earn anywhere near big law money, so it sounds as if the financial concerns we had are not an issue for your family. My entire family is so much happier and more relaxed, and I can’t imagine how we would have managed the stress of senior year on top of the already high levels of tension that my job was causing for everyone.
In my experience and in my observation of peers’ lives, high school is not any less demanding in terms of parenting than the earlier years. I have a friend whose kid would look incredibly low-maintenance on paper–easy courseload, only plays school sports, has his own car, wants to attend a college with something like a 90% acceptance rate–but has mental health issues that require a lot of parental time and attention. Most of my local friends are SAHMs who have picked up some part-time or occasional work, and not a single one is bored or lounging around the house eating bonbons. The one who is ABD turned into a turbo tiger mom and spends all her time “enriching” her children, volunteering at the school, leading two Girl Scout troops, and campaigning against book bans. One who is much more laid back teaches at a church preschool three mornings a week because she likes spending time with little kids. One does some substitute teaching and leads a BSA troop. Another has two big volunteer positions and picks up gigs as a musician.
I didn’t want to quit my job without something lined up, but I was so burned out that I couldn’t productively search for a job while I was still working. Eventually my husband and I decided that enough was enough and I would just quit, take a few months off to support our daughter through the college application process and take a couple of courses to freshen my skills, and start looking for a job in earnest at the beginning of next year. It just so happened that the day I quit my job I got an offer for a part-time contract gig that will help build my resume and relieve some of the financial burden, but I am still a bit worried about finding a full-time permanent job at my age and level of seniority in my small and highly specialized field. I have a backup plan to switch to a related field that’s much larger, but it will be very difficult to break into that market for a variety of reasons. In your shoes, I’d look into teaching at a law school as an adjunct just to maintain a connection to the work force. In most cases I think adjunct professorships are a bad deal: they’re a ton of work for very little pay and can derail people from the path to the tenure track. But for someone who isn’t pursuing an academic career, has the practical experience that law schools are looking for in legal writing or clinical teaching positions, and wants to stay connected to the profession without the pressure of a full-time job, I think it’s viable option that may also expose you to some cushy opportunities like working in the law school career center.
Anon says
I generally agree with this, but I’d caution that finding an adjunct law teaching job is not likely to be trivial. In other fields it’s different and adjuncts are kind of looked down upon, but so many full-time practicing attorneys want to teach a night class on the side that the positions can be very competitive. My dad taught an undergrad law class in addition to his full-time job and when he left the teaching job, they had over 100 applicants for the position. And this was in a college town, not a big city with tons of lawyers.
Anon says
And YMMV but I wouldn’t consider the career center cushier than teaching! I’m sure it depends on your personality and perhaps a bit on the school, but the career center employees were seen as useless failed lawyers at my T25 law school. I think the career center work is pretty mind-numbing and it would get old fast not getting any respect from the students. Profs, even the legal research & writing ones, were respected a lot more.
avocado says
I wouldn’t even compare the career center with teaching. It’s just the kind of non-demanding 9-5 job that some people take when they are done with demanding careers.
Anonymous says
In addition to the other advice, I recommend you explore doing something different entirely. IDK what your income is now and what you pay for childcare, but knowing nothing, I’d recommend quitting, getting involved with the community and finding a part time job to keep you busy during the day. Examples from my life of women who have stepped way back or out and what they do now:
– Work for the town in an 8-4 role with WFH flexibility
– Work for a town school in various capacities (one was a pharma exec; she now is a full time sub, special needs assistant and does the entire 3rd grade bio unit)
– Hang a shingle and get ONE client (my friend is a former firm divorce atty; she takes on 1-2 clients/year as a solo just to keep busy)
– teach some classes locally
– go into public service (school committee, etc)
–
You are going to look back in 10 years and your kids will be out of the house. Mine are all in elem still and DH and I both stepped back and regret nothing (note: we are also in a position where we are comfortable).
Make sure your husband has life insurance. Keep any credential you’d need if you ever need to go back.
Solo says
These are some good ideas. On the hand a shingle point, I recently stepped away from a very demanding public interest law job (high hours, low pay) to start my own solo practice and it was so worth it. I essentially have one client that gives me ten or so hours of work a week, which keeps me stimulated and brings in some extra income while giving me so much time and flexibility. I don’t know how I’d ever go back.
Anon says
I want to hear more! I am in a similar situation. Can I drop a burner email?
Solo says
Sure! I’ll reach out.
Anon at 1:05 says
Thank you! Squeakymoo1229 AT proton.me
Anonymous says
I recently took a 50% salary cut and went part time because we realized that my husband’s single-digit raise would make up the difference (sob). I love my work, but man. The stress and the juggling was just not worth it anymore. It’s too soon to know how it will affect my career, or the kids. But I’ve been sleeping a million times better, and that alone has been amazing. Plus I’m making coffee dates with friends for the first time in years, attending PTA meetings, skipping after-care if the kids seem too zonked, etc. I don’t want to miss these years, and I want to be there for my kids when they need me. I had my kids late-ish and I don’t feel super confident that I’ll be able to enjoy grandparent years in an active way, if they have kids themselves. So I feel like this is my one shot.
Anon says
i don’t know what kind of law you are in, but i just attended a funeral for an attorney who somehow managed to accomplish amazing things professionally and be present for his family, friends and community. my conclusion is perhaps he needed less sleep than i do. anyway, i do not know your niche area of law and i see others suggested this below, but if there is some way to go contract or to share your knowledge with younger attorneys by teaching at law school. i saw some people knocking the law school career office below, but many top law schools would be happy to take on a part time advisor focused on the government sector. when i was in law school (at a top 5 school), i had a fantastic career advisor who had stepped back from her career at a prominent legal non profit because her youngest had some health issues that made it challenging for both her and her husband to work full time. she spent ~10 years in a part-time capacity at the law school, then returned to the legal non profit word for a couple of years and now is the Dean of Social Justice Initiatives. Another advisor had a career in law and then big finance, but her husband also worked in a BIG job in Big Law and it wasn’t sustainable with two kids for their family, and she moved her way up at the law school in the career office and now is Assistant Dean of something at a different law school. I’m still impressed by both women even though they don’t work directly in the legal field
Anon says
Need some ideas. I have 2 under 3 and solo parent a lot. I have increasingly relied on screentime to help me during solo parenting when my toddler is losing it/I need a break/I need to breastfeed baby (which is quite often and for long stretches—toddler will scream and pull me away from baby otherwise). Toddler has been at home with a revolving door of fun sicknesses (terrible diarrhea was one of them—gross) and screentime was my saving grace.
It seems like a lot of moms here somehow don’t rely on screentime and I’d love some advice on how to avoid it! Or maybe commiseration from other moms of littles that it’s ok to rely on it, even non-sparingly.
Anon says
You’re in a very hard season of life. Give yourself some grace! Most moms here aren’t solo parenting two under three, so I would take anything they (we) say about screens with a grain of salt.
busybee says
Haha I was actually going to post a question today on this topic, as I’ll be parenting 3 under 3 soon and am also solo a lot. My almost-2 year old is going to be watching a lot of Ms Rachel after the twins are born and I don’t care.
I figure it’s better for me to have a brief break so that I can fully attend to all of them, rather than never have a break and not be fully present.
My toddler loves to be outside and doesn’t need much hands on supervision from me in our backyard- is that a possibility for you?
Anonymous says
Two under two solo parenting? Give yourself some grace. I would focus on high quality “slow” TV, not cocomelon or youtube, if you want to feel better about it. Check out the free PBS kids app- sesame street, daniel tiger, etc.
If you want to avoid it, things that held my toddlers attention for longish periods of time are play kitchen, magnatiles, duplo, toys in the bathtub, and fisher price little people. Rotating between those things could take up a decent chunk of time.
Anon says
If you never ever turn on screens, then kids don’t ask for them and will generally go find a toy or book. Once you do screens sometimes, then they’ll ask and want them.
Not a judgment, but an observation.
Anon says
“If you never ever turn on screens, then kids don’t ask for them and will generally go find a toy or book.”
Ummm have you met kids? A 2 year old is not going to run off and play by themselves! My 5 year old is better at independent play than 99% of kids her age and can now entertain herself pretty much indefinitely, but at age 2 she wanted our attention nearly 24/7 (yes, that was 2020 and yes it was awful…) With a kid that age, screens are really the only way to buy a solid block of solo time if you don’t have another adult present and OP should feel no guilt about using them.
AIMS says
I am not here to make anyone feel guilty about screen use but disagree that kids can’t play or stay independently at 2 or even younger. I think it depends on the kid and sometimes on the parents, too. We didn’t limit screens that much after my second was born but both my kids were always good at just hanging out independently even as babies. I don’t know if it was just luck, but we also made a point of not constantly holding them, picking them up, wearing them, playing with them, etc. We never neglected them but there isn’t anything wrong with just putting a baby on a blanket while you sit nearby and letting them figure out how to entertain themselves for a few minutes.
Anon says
It’s just luck. We did all that too and kids had zero ability for independent play at age 2.
Anonymous says
It’s more kid-dependent than that, and parents don’t have that much control over it. I had an infant who would scream bloody murder if she was not being held, and leaving her to cry it out made it worse. The pediatrician didn’t help by telling me that letting her cry would damage her brain. (We eventually fired that pediatrician for even more egregious reasons.) That same child grew into a toddler who could entertain herself for hours, even though we had “spoiled” her as an infant by holding or wearing her all day.
Anon says
Not the original commenter, but her point is true. Independent play is a habit that takes time and practice. My 2yo absolutely plays by himself. Not for hours at time, true, but I get stuff done and we rarely use screens.
It is harder with a first kid who is used to having attention (siblings get used to benign neglect), and a new baby disruption, so if OP is at capacity maybe a screen is the best option for her in the short term.
But if you don’t do screens, and you don’t make it your job to be the entertainment committee, kids WILL figure it out.
Anon says
I indeed have two kids and they have always found ways to entertain themselves. They tended to stay near us when they were little, but we’d keep stashes of toys where we were so they could play. When they were little they’d raid the Tupperware cupboard while we cooked, then grab a book and sit next to us while I nursed, then grab a baby and pretend to change its diaper while I did the baby. They were always busy. If they were having trouble getting started I’d usually sit and play for a few, staring a block castle or build a fort and then slip away to do chores. They were usually happy to keep playing on their own.
By 1 and 3, they were pretty good at playing together for long enough for us to make dinner. By 3 and 5 yo they’d disappear for hours together to pretend, only showing up when they were hungry. Now at 10 and 7 they’ll play and read most of a weekend with very little intervention. They’re great at entertaining themselves in productive ways.
Anonymous says
+1 on the start then bail technique. Costume box with hats/capes/easy on costumes, trains, building blocks, art area, lego duplo, kitchen, doll stuff worked best for us
Anon2 says
I’m a SAHM and my first two are 25 months apart. We actually didn’t even have a TV for a couple years, which makes it easy not to use it :) With kid 3 I’ve relaxed a little, but I was pretty strict until my oldest reached kindergarten.
It’s hard, but it is 90% mindset. Think about your “why”, decide if it’s worth committing to, and if so, do it. If you tell yourself screens are not an option, you will figure it out. The first week of the detox is the hardest.
(And for context, my first is not and never has been easy. He’s very smart, spirited and probably has ADHD. So it’s not the temperament of my kids that made this work for me.)
For more practicals, have a general routine to your day. Breakfast – indoor play – snack – outside play – lunch – nap/quiet time – etc. i suggest fitting in some sort of outing (even just to the playground or library) most days. Decide when TV would be most beneficial to you and slot it in. Having a predictable time will help you and him, and don’t add it randomly throughout the day.
The Toniebox is a great toy that plays songs, audiobooks, etc and could be an alternative source of entertainment. It’s truly in my top 3 kid purchases of all time.
Read stacks of books on the couch while baby nurses or you want to sit and cuddle. You can also buy sticker books and your toddler can sit next to you to do them. When you can, sit on the floor while the toddler plays so he feels your presence. When everyone is melting down, go outside. Blow bubbles, watch him ride a scooter, put a pile of trucks in the dirt and let him play construction, etc.
This is a big mind dump, but if you have specific questions LMK!
Anonymous says
+1 to tonies box!
OP says
Yes! It wasn’t until my husband finally upgraded his very small, old TV recently that now watching TV is fun. Brighter colors! Bigger screen! Better sound! Should’ve said no to the TV upgrade. Maybe I should hide it in another room.
We have a Yoto player and he FINALLY is interested in it—will try to rely on it more!
Thank you everyone for the advice and commiseration.
anon says
+2 to the Toniebox! We only allow TV for about 30 minutes while I’m making dinner (and no other screens – we save ipad for travel), and when my kid asks for it at other times we suggest either listening to music (he has learned how to ask Alexa for the songs he wants) or his Toniebox. It’s great. He’ll sit and listen to songs/stories and play with toys.
Anon says
So my rule for children of all ages is that when they’re sick they can have as much screen time as they want (and eat whatever they’re willing to eat). Being sick sucks, no need to make it harder on kiddo or yourself.
Secondly, you gotta do whatever will work best for you and your family. I’m a much better mom when I’ve had a break so I don’t hesitate to turn on the tv to get one. If I need to cook dinner and my toddlers are being a pain, I’m happy to turn on tv so that I can make dinner. IMO, tv time + veggies is better than no tv time + frozen pizza or whatever.
govtattymom says
I think this is very kid dependent. My older child has always hated playing alone. She loves to play with me or cuddle and read but she is miserable when we make her play alone in her room. In contrast, my 2.5 yo loves to play by herself. Last night, I took her up to the playroom while her older sister was at gymnastics. She played with the kitchen and little people for an hour and never once asked me to play. So perhaps you can introduce toys like little people, pretend food, large legos, etc. but don’t feel guilty about using screentime if your toddler simply won’t play by herself.
Anonymous says
I had 3 under 3 (oldest then surprise twins). We definitely used screen time but we had less whiny and complaints around screen time when it was restricted to certain things (tv vs ipad) and certain times. More flexibility when she was home sick – but that was also understandable for her. If she was too sick to go to daycare, she was often too sick to play.
Other things I relied on when BFing.
– play kitchen in same main floor room where I BF’d. You don’t need hands free to pretend to eat the food that she cooks
– baskets in babies room and near rocker in living room with books/toys that were only for when I was nursing
– Old school cd player and selection of books on CDs so she could put on the book and follow along herself.
– I did a lot of lunch/dinner making with a baby in a carrier and her sitting up at the island drawing or coloring in coloring books. A big motivator for her was that I would mail her pictures to family/friends who live away. Walking to the mailbox was a great activity when I needed to get out of the house.
– I tried to reserve screen time for when I couldn’t be in the room with her – like a diaper blowout that had to be changed upstairs, or for when I really needed no one to talk to me or cry for 10 mins.
– old school shows like Mister Rogers or old Sesame Street episodes have a calmer vibe
Clementine says
Solo parenting 2 under 3 is a lot. If screens are what you need, give yourself grace and space.
What actually helps my kids is a visual schedule. I have something I got off Etsy and it’s great. It has pictures for what we’re going to do. For me, I’m fine with some screen time – it’s the nonstop begging that doesn’t work for me.
We do a lot of walks through the neighborhood, a lot of play, listen to a lot of music, but I love having screen time as a tool in my toolbox to deal with the 4-5PM slot where I”m trying to feed a baby and cook and preserve my sanity. It’s fine.
Anonymous says
+ 1 on the visual schedules. Our kids love them.
Anon says
How is your outside time? Can you increase that for toddler while you lounge with the baby on a porch chair or something? Outside is much more interesting than inside and the fresh air and sensations (cool rain, wet grass, crackly leaves, etc.) can keep interest for longer.
Anonymous says
Why do you want to avoid screentime? If it’s not causing behavioral issues and is solving a problem for you, it doesn’t seem like you need to.
anon says
+1. I have an 8 year old, and we have been through lots of ups and downs with screens over the years. If screens are not causing behavioral issues, and they’re solving a problem for you, give yourself some grace during a difficult time. Focus on slow-paced, high quality shows.
FWIW, letting them have screens now while things are hard doesn’t mean they’ll always be crazy for screens. My kid’s interest in screens has ebbed and flowed over the years and has mostly depended on whether he’s found a particular TV show or game he likes at that moment. We couldn’t get him into TV or movies at all during the pandemic, lol.
Anonymous says
I started following the gamer educator and that basically changed my mindset about tv. I also really believe my first grader needs 20 minutes of tv after school to decompress. My twins are two and minimally interested in screens but I definitely use it to get dinner on the table or send an email after hours, and I don’t even solo parent that often! I’m constantly evaluating whether it’s too much. I think it’s just part of modern life.
DLC says
With my kids, there was no peaceful way to cut back on screentime, but it was getting out of hand, so we cut the screens (except for family movie night and some TV) and just white knuckled it through a week or so of tantrums and whining and angry kids.
My kids have lots of toys and books and dress up clothes and a lot of curiosity- they kind of just figured it out. I will say, the house is constantly a disaster and it seems like things are always breaking because playing is messier than being on screens, so there is that…
Of course my kids are older… toddler and infant is a hard stage, so I think you do what you need to do.
When you are ready to reset screen boundaries, I think as long as you are prepared for the battles and have a plan, you can work out something for your family.
Anonymous says
When is the best time/date for a preschool birthday party at a park? Siblings included.
1. Morning party on Sat or Sun over a long weekend, no known conflicts/other events but worried about attendance if people are out of town
2. Morning party on Sunday but another kid in class has party that evening
3. Afternoon party on Saturday but preschool has a required one parent volunteer activity that morning
4. Sunday afternoon (but our family has some conflicts that Saturday and dad will be out of town until right before event so this doesn’t seem good for us)
We haven’t been to any parties yet so real novices here!
AIMS says
Morning party. No nap issues (for attendees or siblings) and no conflicts. Even if some people are out of town, you can have a good time.
OOO says
+1
Anon says
I would vote for #4. There shouldn’t be that much pre-party setup at this age.
Attendance will definitely take a big hit on a long weekend and in our area attendance would be very low on a Sunday morning because so many are in church (caveat that if you’re at a Jewish preschool or something like that, this obviously may not apply). #3 will probably have fine attendance but I would personally find it annoying to have two school things in one day.
NYCer says
+1 to #4. Otherwise, I would do #1, with the caveat that I would first check with the parents of your kids’ closest few buddies to see if they are going to be around.
Spirograph says
I prefer morning parties for younger kids, so I’d pick the long weekend Saturday. I don’t think people travel as much for long weekends around this time of year (many employers, including mine, don’t give Indigenous Peoples/Columbus Day or Veterans Day off!) and it’s nbd if a few can’t make it. You’ll probably lose a couple to little league & soccer games, but you can’t help that either. I avoid Sunday morning because of church, but that depends on the faith mix in your community.
Momofthree says
I think you plan the party when it makes the most sense for you & your family. There will always be people that can come & those that can’t come. If your child has 1 really close buddy, you can try to plan around them.
Otherwise, there’s no right answer.
I would expect that attendance will be lower on a long weekend, but again, if that’s the timing that works for your family, that’s what you should do.
DLc says
I agree with this.
I planned a party way too late for my 4 year old and only 4 out of her class of 17 could come (plus a few siblings). Everyone had a great time anyway, and honestly it was way more manageable than having 17 kids plus siblings there.
anon says
Not #1 or #2.
Anonymous says
The best time for a preschool party is … never.
Anon says
I disagree! Kids love having them and I actually really enjoyed attending them. The price of the gift was a small price to pay for several hours of kid entertainment and a pizza meal, and it’s a good way to get to know other parents well. My kids are older now, and my best mom friend is someone from their pre-K year. It’s easy to make friends when you see people 1-2 times per month at parties.
Mary Moo Cow says
I took it to mean, there’s never a perfect time, so just do what works for you. That has certainly been true in my circle! Someone won’t be able to come because sibling has a commitment, someone won’t be able to come because they’ve planned a vacation, someone won’t be able to come because of sports, etc.
Anon says
Looking for opinions on hands-free pumps (specifically comparing willow vs. elvie) & any recommendations on a good bag to carry everything? I’m returning to work in a few weeks & will have to pump in an office for the first time (my oldest was a pandemic baby, so I was fully remote work the entire time he was nursing). I have a spectra, but seems like a fully hands free pump might be a lot easier when I’m out of the house. However, I’m on the fence on whether to throw down the $ (my insurance will only cover half the cost). Would love to hear others’ experience!
OOO says
I used Willow when I had my baby in 2020. I would not use it as your primary pump. It will not express as much as your Spectra pump. The Willow was ok for pumping while doing other things around the house, but I would not go out in public wearing it. It is quieter than most pumps but still makes a sound, and it flashes a light when it’s done. Plus they are large and if someone knows what you look like normally then the wearable pumps make you look very strange.
Anon says
I used the willow in 2020-2021. I think they have a new model Willow go, which is supposed to be better. I chose it because it doesn’t leak. I was able to pump the same if not more than my spectra. It makes you look like a clown, but some of my doctor friends somehow pumped while at work and walking around. I have pumped driving and while working at my office, seated. It is definitely worth it, even paying full price. You should still get a spectra too—it can’t be your only pump.
AIMS says
For the hands free issue – if it’s just a matter of sitting down to work while you pump, a hands free bra is what you need. I had a spectra but used a hands free bra to pump at work and it was pretty easy.
Anon says
Depends on your desk job. Even when sitting at my desk I have to get up to go to the printer, slide my chair over to get papers, shuffle papers around, and the spectra wires and flanges get in the way all the time. Even with the battery powered spectra you have to lug it around to more more than a few inches.
I recommend the kindred bravely pumping bra.
AIMS says
Fair but in that case it also depends a lot on when/how long you’re pumping. I almost never took more than 20 min to pump which for the most part meant that with a little planning I could just sit and work on whatever I had close at hand and print whatever I needed after. Half the time I treated the time as my little break to read here and/or answer emails. But that’s a good point if you need to move around a lot.
I think as with everything – everyone is different.
Anon says
When I bought my Elvie Stride, it was much cheaper than the other hands-free options and was the only one my insurance partially covered. It worked great for me. I never even opened up the box to my old Spectra.
Anon says
OP here – thanks to everyone who weighed in! I should have clarified, I’m planning to close my office door to pump & put a sign up, so I’m mostly interested in hands free for 1) ability to keep working while I pump & 2) ease/quickness getting the pump set up/put away. I did try the spectra with a nursing bra but couldn’t get the positioning to hold. Maybe I should be looking for a better pumping bra instead? Anyways – so helpful to hear about others’ experience!
Daycare Strategy says
I could use some daycare waitlist strategy help. The first post has me thinking about it right now. I’m in suburban Boston, due late November. This is not my first kid, but my first/only at the moment is 5.5 so it’s been a minute. I’m on three daycare “lists” – submitted paperwork and deposits and all that fun stuff months ago. We’d need full time infant care starting around 12-ish weeks. A little bit of flexibility on that (16 wouldn’t ruin us), but we need care.
#1 (Little Sprouts – strong regional chain) was squarely, don’t call me, we’ll call you, but said they’d possibly have an opening around March 1 (roughly when I’d go back if all is on time). Said they put everyone on a list, in order, and they just go by the order.
#2 (Goddard) said “no openings” when I was 6 weeks pregnant. How they can know that 12 months early is beyond me. Not getting my hopes up there – they’ve been less than helpful and were the same way with #1 when we inquired. They had no answer when I asked about how they prioritize (like #1 did). Feels like a free for all tbh.
#3 (KinderCare) is our former daycare from my now 5.5 YO. They know us, like us and said “probably” there’s a spot but they won’t know for a little while. For #1, they just magically had a spot and it was ours so we didn’t have to do the whole song and dance of calling weekly to get it – starts seems to have just aligned.
So, what is the right tack here? How did you get off your waitlist? Should I be calling weekly at this point? Monthly? Just trust the process [increasingly believing that’s not the right move]? What is the magical way to stay front of mind for these places?
We do have backup plans, none of which we want to pursue, so no looking for ideas there at the moment. TIA!
Clementine says
I think you politely follow up with KinderCare once – “Hi! Older Kid and I were just looking at old photos and I was thinking of you. Bebe is due Date and I’m really hoping that we’ll get to bring bebe to you. Any idea what a spot is looking like in March-ish?’
But also – ZOMG this is something that is so stressful. Such a big part of it is luck of the draw – will they have a spot when you need it? My colleague and I joked that we’d be ready to do a fancy coffee (or mimosa?) bar in the parking lot if that meant we would be in daycare’s good graces.
Anon says
I think this is the way. I’d also ask explicitly about “alumni” priority. Our former daycare has that. It was lower than sibling priority but still above the general public.
Anonymous says
Goddard let us pay a month’s tuition to hold a guaranteed spot. We ended up forfeiting it when a spot at a better, cheaper center unexpectedly opened up, but it was worth it for the peace of mind.
AIMS says
I don’t think it hurts to be the squeaky wheel here. I got off two waitlist by just calling and in one case actually showing up with my son. Prior to me showing up, no one would respond to me at all. Be super nice but check in.
Anon says
+1 we got off the waitlist by insisting on an in-person tour. Prior to the tour we’d been told no spots for nearly a year and we were told touring was “pointless,” but we insisted on having a tour anyway “just to look.” The day after the tour we were offered a spot two months out. It’s weird to me how subjective it is!
Anon says
+1 we got off a waitlist about 2 weeks after we did an in-person tour (and ~8 weeks before we needed the spot), after having been on the waitlist for 10 months. I think there was some correlation. I do also think that even if they’re planning to give the spot, they don’t like to commit it further in advance than needed in case siblings emerge or kids from other sites in the same chain request transfers. Or frankly in case their staffing capabilities change. If you know families at one of the other centers, have them mention you by name to the management – sometimes that creates good pull. I wouldn’t be panicking yet.
Anon says
This is my own crazy private theory, so feel free to disregard, but I feel like some daycares are more interested in students who will attend their kindergarten programs, as in stay a year longer than is most common. Maybe drop some hints related to that.
Anon says
Do most daycares have K programs? None of the ones in my area do.
It’s definitely subjective though. I dropped a lot of hints about how involved I’d be as a parent, and I feel like that may have helped. It certainly can’t hurt.
Anonymous says
Private K at a day care is a big thing where we live for two opposing reasons: redshirting parents who don’t want their kids doing two years of pre-K, and parents whose kids are ready for K but whose birthdays fall after the ridiculously early cutoff. We did private K for the second reason and the only thing we liked about it was that it punched kiddo’s ticket for first grade. It was basically day care with more worksheets. None of the kids who wasn’t already reading at the beginning of the year learned to read, and there were a lot of behavior issues among the redshirt crowd because, surprise surprise, they were being redshirted because they weren’t behaviorally ready for K.
Anon says
Ah I see. Our daycare kept redshirted kids in the pre-K classes, but it wasn’t a big deal. The behavioral issues were of the wiggly/fidgety variety (tbh, I wouldn’t even call them “issues”), nothing serious. I’ve never heard of anyone wanting a kid who missed the cutoff to start K even though our cutoff is early (Aug 1) but I’m sure this varies based on location.
Anon says
Here redshirted kids and cutoff-missers usually do a year of kindergarten at daycare or a preschool, and then repeat kindergarten in public school. I don’t think I toured any daycares without a K program here.