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My first “grown-up” watch was a Movado I still wear today. But, as much as I loved the design, the single dot for 12 o’clock with nothing more made it hard to tell time.
Here’s a version that honors the brand’s signature minimalist design, but with Roman numerals. This 32 mm bracelet watch integrates both silver and gold tones (so, if you’re like me who wears both, it matches all your jewelry).
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This ‘Bold’ Bracelet Watch is $495 at Nordstrom.
The watch is pretty low in stock, but here’s a similar watch with Roman numerals from the Bold line — it’s $650 at Nordstrom.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
Anon says
Health insurance question. Had a baby in February and am now receiving bills from the hospital — two of them, one for me and one for baby. Baby’s care went to my deductible/coinsurance and I was surprised by this — why would his care be attributed toward me when it was clearly for him? It matters here because we get HRA reimbursement for my and my son’s fees once our individual deductibles are met, but we’re not meeting my son’s because his care went toward my limits. My insurance company says that this billing practice is a worldwide standard, not specific to them, and I don’t remember this happening with my other two deliveries. Thanks for any insight!
Anon says
That’s an error. You may need to make a dozen calls to insurance over the next 6 months to get it fixed, but it should get fixed. Be aggressive and keep records of all your conversations. Get the hospital billing team involved.
Anon says
This is also how my hospital did it, although in my case it was to my advantage because we didn’t meet my child’s deductible that year. Feb baby also (but no daycare and daycare illness until she was over a year).
govtattymom says
Caveat that I don’t know much about this but I was told at the hospital that the baby’s care is under the mother’s health insurance for the first 8 days.
Pogo says
I don’t know what it’s supposed to be, but my babies’ care was billed under their names. Our policy has a pooled deductible which we had already met so it didn’t so much matter, but I know for a fact that the circumcision for my first was billed to him because it was billed as an in patient surgery, out of network, and I had to argue forever to get that discounted.
Anon says
Some of this is by state. What state are you in? In California, baby is covered under the mother’s insurance for 30 days: “For the first 30 days of your newborn’s life, he or she will be covered as an extension of the mother, under her policy and her deductible.” (https://www.healthforcalifornia.com/newborn-health-insurance-ca-coverage.)
OP says
Thanks! I’ve been having a hard time figuring this out via googling – I’m in Michigan. I appreciate the linked info.
Anon4this says
We are home with yet another covid quarantine. I find it so incredibly depressing to be home with little children. Help to make it better? Can only play magnatiles for so long before my brain goes numb.
Anon says
Screen time. Popsicles in the bath tub. Go for a drive with the windows open if it’s nice enough outside and grab happy meals for lunch. Eat outside if you’re able to. Be gentle with yourself. Sorry you have to deal with this!
Anon says
How old?
OP says
4. Classroom is closed because of a covid case (they close for 5 days each time there’s a case). I can’t go far because of work, which makes this way harder.
Allie says
Prime age for cosmic kids yoga and go noodle . . . . YMMV but my rule is if they don’t actually do the activity I turn it off.
AwayEmily says
Sympathies, you’d think we were all old hands at this by now but it’s so hard every single time. One random rec: try frequent (indoor) location changes. Their room, your room, the basement, the living room. Bring some toys with you. Somehow my kids will play with the same bin of Duplos for way longer in my room than in their room, and changing locations also seems to reset their fighting. I can also often get my kids to work on something for longer if I pitch it as “for” someone (e.g. “make a giant block tower to show Dada when he gets off his call”).
EDAnon says
We have started building obstacles courses inside during quarantines. We just use stuff around the house (bean bag chairs, boxes, etc.) and it is fun for all!
We also do a lot of screen time though!
Cornellian says
Do you have a yard? dumping a bag of top soil and letting him play “trucks” has been a good way to kill time (but require a bath or hosing off, ha). Also painter’s tape, who cares if it gets everywhere.
No real answers, though. It sucks.
anonM says
Joann Fabrics has pre-made sensory bins. I have an unopened one on hand for sick day/vacation so I am not sure how great it actually is, but figure it would buy me a few minutes at least (depends on kiddo ages I guess). They have curbside pickup now too. Appears to be largely reusable too.
Anonymous says
Check out Busy Toddler on Insta.
Anonymous says
My kid is almost three, and he’s started being very difficult at transitions (time to leave the park, time to go to school, etc.). He used to be pretty good if we gave him 5-minute warnings and told him what to expect, but now he’s having tantrums and we have to wrestle him into the car/stroller/etc. while he screams. Any advice for this, or is it just a phase we have to get through?
Anon says
It’s just a phase you have to get through.
anon says
+1, this was heinous age for us – 2.5-3.5. She just turned four and, dare I say, she’s enjoyable.
Anon says
Yes! 3 was ROUGH but 4 has been such a huge turning point. It honestly feels like a switch flipped on her birthday. She’s so much more mature and better at emotional regulation now.
anonM says
For the 5 min warnings- some kids respond really well if they get to set the timer on your phone themselves. I also find letting them pick a song for the car can be a good distraction from the “leaving.” Do a silly voice/walk to the car, etc. That said, sometimes it is just hard to avoid at that age and I’ve definitely been there too! (And, I hated these ideas before having to use them — but keep in mind this is usually a phase so you won’t have to do robo-voice every time you put them in the car seat forever.)
DLC says
It’s a struggle for sure…
Not sure this will work with every kid, but I will often say, (after giving some kind of warning) “It’s time to go,” and just wait outside the house for my kid, or start walking away. Once they realize that I’ve moved on they will come along.
(Does not work as well with my middle kid, though, who has no sense of awareness of things going around around them.)
Another thing is sometimes instead of a time limit, i find it’s more useful to give an action limit – like five more pushes on the swing, for example- I read that since kids have no concept of time, it is easier for them to process a finite amount of actions.
Anonymous says
It’s a phase . But we have some luck with by the minute warnings from 5 down to 1 and I make the kid show me the appropriate number of fingers to confirm they actually processed the information (“show me your 3!”).
Cb says
Anyone else hit fun milestones lately?
After some teary pedal practice, we decided to stop mentioning the p-word to my son. He’s just been using his pedal bike as a balance bike for the past 2 weeks resulting in very bruised shins where he’d bump the pedals. We were halfway home from nursery last night when he said “I think I can pedal, shall I try?” And then he pedaled all the way home saying “I am a champion star!!!”
Back out this am, and 1.5 miles to nursery is much quicker on two wheels versus scooter/balance bike.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think I skipped part of your sentence and then saw the “p-word” and thought – oh, he learned about peni*es! My 6 year old wrote his teacher appreciation cards all by himself this past weekend and that is such a major win.
Anon says
Aww congrats to him!
AnonATL says
My nearly two year old has been voluntarily sitting on the training potty before bathtime. He doesn’t really use it but he’s getting excited about it! He now also announces if he pooped.
SC says
Awww, that’s so cute! I’m glad you’re able to speed up your commute to nursery :-)
Pogo says
That’s awesome – with no training wheels?! Last weekend we had our first mommy/kiddo run & bike ride – I ran 3 miles, he rode his bike, but with training wheels.
Mine has also started dressing himself most days, which is huge. He’s so close to being able to do bath independently too, he just hates to stop building Legos to get in so I’m constantly badgering him. He is getting closer to being able to buckle himself into his car seat (so we just have to check/tighten).
Cb says
No training wheels! We skipped them. He’s told me that he’s going to dress himself now but we’ll see. He can do it, he’s just sleepy and lazy in the am.
Will he start school in the autumn?
DLC says
That’s adorable.
My 2.5 year old said “I love you!” for the first time a few weeks ago and I don’t know why hut it felt kind of amazing. And I think she meant it.
anonamama says
Daycare Wait List Q. Our beloved, independent and religious-affiliated center is closing permanently at the end of August. It’s so sad!! But a plan of action is necessary and after calling 16 centers, all with waitlists, we have about 4 centers who *might* have a spot for us before the end of the year. For those who have been in this kind of wait list he11; what tactics might you suggest to this mom on a mission? Depending on the day and where I am on the emotional rollercoaster, open to anything. haha.
Patricia Gardiner says
Ugh, that’s so hard. Keep in mind that there are probably other people on multiple wait lists, who won’t need all those spots, so something will open up. Our experience was that things did move and change, so I would call those every month or so to reiterate your interest. And have a backup plan so you don’t stress out – if no spots by July 1, you will look into a nanny share?
Anon says
Set up a tour if you can. We were on the the waiting list for our daycare for a year and finally insisted on doing a tour in April even though they told us they wouldn’t have a spot until August. The day after our tour they called us and told us they had a spot for our kid at the beginning of June. It’s not ethical, but I don’t think they go straight down the waitlist in order.
Anonymous says
+1 for tour and also for calling periodically to check your position on the wait list.
EDAnon says
I was told by a center director to call and check in or give updates or something so that they know you’re interested. That did not work for us, though.
We got a spot at a childcare a few weeks after randomly walking by and chatting with the teachers on the playground. It was not strategic at all! But it worked.
Anonymous says
I agree with this. Also, set up some reminders and call or email once a month or so to check on status.
Good luck!
Cb says
Yep, that’s what I did. We were told 2 years (after putting kiddo on the list in utero) and got in at 1 year. Although his 2 pals all have birthdays within 2 days of his, so I think they might have realised they were short on 1 year olds and let them in by birthday?
Anonymous says
+1 – be the kind of parent you would want to deal with in their shoes – be responsive, friendly, reasonable, and proactive. Check in from time to time, especially if it is a place that is smaller/family-owned/possibly disorganized. Be super nice but don’t let them forget you.
anon says
+1 on being the kind of parent you’d want to work with, checking in periodically in a friendly way, and letting them know you’re in a tough spot and will take something less than ideal.
Where I am, kindness is appreciated and flexibility (like a willingness to take a part-time spot while waiting for full-time to open up) might help you get a spot faster.
Anon says
If you can truthfully say you’d like to volunteer with the school, I think that would help too. I posted above about getting off the waitlist right after a tour and on the tour I really talked up how I’d like to be involved in room parent/PTA type stuff.
FP says
The good thing about your timing is you may be able to catch a college student who is taking a year off before grad school or a high school grad who is taking a semester off before college. We had a similar situation (left a job with an on-site daycare that kicked us out when I left employment), and the timing meant I found a great nanny who was relatively affordable because for her, this was something to take up her time between her college graduation and applying to nursing school. If you have a college nearby, contact the sororities.
Anonymous says
Test
Anon says
Did anyone hold back their child one year? Our kiddo is born literally two days before the cutoff for kindergarten and DH wants to hold him back one year because he is physically smaller than the rest of his peers (is around 20th percentile for height and weight). I know part of this comes from DH’s own experience being a small Asian kid in a majority white school, which our son will be as well. The only problem is that he’s wicked smart and think he would be really under stimulated if we held him back a year.
Anonymous says
I would not hold back a child ready for school because my husband needs to deal with his own trauma around toxic masculinity.
Anonymous says
Maybe the world needs to deal with its anti-Asian hate? And you need to deal with being obnoxious when someone is asking for advice.
Anon says
Thank you for saying this. Taiwanese American here and my undersized brother was teased mercilessly in elementary school. Sure it could have been just because of his size, but somehow the way the kids would sing song his name and pull their eyes in slants makes me think that the other smaller kids in his class did not get teased in the same way.
anonM says
Yeahhhh dismissing someone’s racial/culture/ethnicity experience is rude at best. Anon at 10:22 am, please rethink how you comment here, and more broadly how you treat topics dealing with xenophobia.
Anon says
Don’t hold back a smart kid who has the emotional maturity for school. It will be a disaster.
Anonymous says
+1 million. Besides, if he’s small he’ll still be small next year.
GCA says
One, is that actually possible in your public school system? Ours in MA is pretty strict about the cutoff, but if you’re going private, feel free to disregard this factor.
Two, I have a bright August kid, so I feel you. But how does kiddo do socially and physically? I’ve seen small, loud kids who are total ringleaders and/ or small kids who are fast and nimble. If he is well-balanced, he will probably be fine.
Anon says
I thought you could always hold back but that most public schools make it hard/impossible to skip ahead? Or are there public schools that don’t let you redshirt?
Anonymous says
NY won’t allow redshirting, which I think is great. Redshirting is totally out of control where we live. Half the kindergarten class has already turned 6 before the year even starts.
Anon says
+1. Except I wish NY (and CT) would change their cutoff to Sept 1. It is insane to have a cutoff halfway through the school year (Dec/Jan 1), and I understand the temptation to redshirt 4-year-olds (we have friends who managed to get around it, it’s just a little more difficult)
buffybot says
NYC doesn’t allow redshirting. The birthday cut-off is hard and fast so even if you don’t show up for kindergarten one year, they’ll just put your kid in first grade the next.
AwayEmily says
My kindergarten daughter’s best friend is a a boy who’s shorter than every other kid in the class and he’s fine. I’ve spent a lot of time with them and their friends at the park and have never heard any of the kids mention his height at all (though they do often talk about how fast he is — he’s an amazing runner).
avocado says
My daughter was by far the smallest in her grade all the way through middle school and was highly respected for being able to beat all the boys at push-ups and sit-ups. A lot of the parents commented on her size, but the kids rarely did. This makes me think that size is a mostly irrelevant thing that type-A parents get overly hung up on.
She got the genes for late growth from both her dad and me, and now in tenth grade she is quite average-sized.
Anon says
It might depend on when the cutoff is…our cutoff is Dec 1 and I’m sending my September baby. He is in full time public preK this year and doing remarkably well socially, so I think he can handle it. At this age, social factors / ability to sit still and follow the teacher matter as much as academics, so I would weigh those. I wouldn’t keep back a kid who is otherwise objectively ready, especially if your cutoff is earlier and he’d be 5 to start. If there’s a question in your mind, it probably wouldn’t hurt to delay a year, though. I keep waffling on this with my son but ultimately think he will be fine (he’s also the second child and used to keeping up with an older crowd)
Anonymous says
If your district is anti-differentiation, there is a ton of potential harm from redshirting a smart kid. Our district doesn’t teach long division until FIFTH GRADE. For reference, the Title 1 elementary school I attended taught it in second grade, where many kids turned 7 during the school year. Imagine how disengaged a bright redshirted 11-year-old would be learning second-grade material. Or what about a 6-year-old who already reads chapter books being forced to sit through kindergarten alphabet and phonics lessons and nap time? Totally inappropriate.
Anon says
well where I live (Houston), people start holding back March/April babies. It’s allowed in public schools and in my opinion absurd. i think that a cut off exists for a reason and absent exigent circumstances the cutoff should be followed. not just bc parents want their kid to have an edge
Anon says
Yeah we have an August 1 cutoff. My daughter is a February birthday so I assumed she’d be right in the middle age wise but a teacher friend told me she’ll definitely be one of the youngest. Which is fine. She’s not a genius but she’s above average academically and seems plenty mature. Alas she will be 18 and eligible to go to clubs in Mexico on spring break ;)
EDAnon says
My son’s birthday is a week before the cutoff. We held him and he starts K in the fall (as a just barely 6yo). We are really glad we held him. He matured a ton this year. He is physically average and above average intellectually but he was behind his peers in social-emotional development. And I use “peers” loosely since some of his closest friends were a 10-11 months older than him. He was doing fine for his age but he seemed behind given how much younger he was. He’s super smart so we didn’t want him to spend school getting in trouble for his behavior.
His teachers (both at preschool and teachers we know at the elementary school) were supportive of holding him. He hit bored status at preschool very recently (so with the year almost up), We are having him go somewhere else for the summer to help with that, but it’s been great overall.
One other factor is that his sibling is 2 years you get but right after the cutoff (8/23 and 9/5 with a 9/1 cutoff). With that, sibling was going to be 6 for most of K. It didn’t seem like a big deal to us for both kids to be 6 for K.
Anon says
Yeah I don’t understand the pearl clutching here about “6 year olds in K OMG!” Maybe it’s because my area has an 8/1 cutoff so there are kids who aren’t held back in my area who are 6 before K starts. But it just seems normal to me.
Anon says
where i live kids turn 6 in March with an 8/31 cutoff and parents are holding them back. so i dont think its necessarily the fact of 6 year olds starting K, but at least to me there is a big difference between a kid who turns 6 a week before the cut off vs. one who turns 6 months before
Anon says
Oh I fully agree that redshirting a March birthday is crazy except in the most exceptional cases. But there’s at least one commenter here who’s been vocally pearl-clutchy about kids being 6 at the start of K and turning 19 before they leave for college, which (at least in my town) happens to some kids even without any red-shirting.
EDAnon says
I agree that that is extreme. I have a March birthday and would only hold a kid if there was a developmental issue. I was very in the mix for my grade level.
Anon says
We decided to send DD “on time”; she will start K literally having turned 5 the week before. Aside from the fact that she is also extremely smart and will probably be bored since she is already hitting a number of the “year end” kindergarten milestones for our county, she is 99th percentile for height and weight and already twice the size of her peers (she is just under four feet and 68 pounds). I can tell you from personal experience it is not fun being the biggest girl in the class, and it was a major factor in my push to send her this year (DH wanted to wait as a recovering youngest kid himself, her teachers were OK with either approach but leaning toward sending subject to how her speech delay has progressed) that I certainly didn’t want her to spend another year growing and be even more taller and stronger than her peers.
Her bestie is a neighbor boy two days younger than her, and he is half her size. Given his size and his inability to sit still or follow simple directions consistently, notwithstanding that he is clearly very bright, I would not hesitate to hold him back or have him do a year of K in a private preschool and then “redo” K in the public system. If he were better at sitting still or following directions, I think I would probably still send him though if he were my kid. His parents haven’t made a decision yet. Our redshirting rules just say you’re eligible for K if you turn 5 by Sept. 1, but you are not required to be in K unless you turn 6 by Sept. 1.
avocado says
I don’t understand what size has to do with anything, unless the parents want the kid to play football or basketball or volleyball in high school. It’s about academic and social readiness. Kids also grow at different rates. I was always the shortest kid in the class until I had a growth spurt at age 15 and suddenly became one of the taller ones. Conversely, most of the kids who were tall when my daughter was in elementary school stopped growing early and are now short to average. It would be silly to assume that a kid who is short at age 5 will always be short and to base academic decisions on that assumption.
Anon says
Yeah I don’t understand why size is a factor either. Academic and social/emotional readiness are both very important, and are not that closely correlated. In fact anecdotally I think there may be an inverse correlation between them. But I don’t think size is relevant at all. Like, if you’re from a family of short people do you just…never send your kids to school? Someone has to be shortest.
Anon says
i posted above (Houston) and parents definitely hold their kids back because they want their kid to have a competitive edge in sports. in a recent Facebook discussion, one mom noted she wished she had held back her daughter who has a May birthday because she wasn’t 18 for her spring break trip to Mexico and so couldn’t go into clubs. People’s priorities are interesting to me…
Anonymous says
OMG. To me that sounds like a reason NOT to hold the kid back.
Anon says
Oh man. My daughter not being able to go into clubs on her senior year spring break would be a plus for me, not a negative.
anon says
Agree completely. I was a very average-sized kid, and one of the youngest in my class, until I hit my growth spurt around 13 and became one of the taller girls. This is not an unusual tale.
Meanwhile, if I could’ve held back my ADHD kid, I probably would’ve because his social readiness has never been up to grade level. But he’s also really bright, so that might’ve backfired anyway. (November birthday, July cutoff in our state, so he was already in the older half of his class.)
Anon says
I was always the biggest girl in class and loved it! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being the biggest kid physically. I would have been the biggest kid in a few years anyway if I had been skipped a grade.
Anonymous says
My son’s birthday is the week before the cut-off and we’re still on the fence about whether to enroll him in K or 1st grade at public school for the 2022-23 school year. He’s been in private K this year as an after-effect of pandemic, and I’m going to lean on the recommendation of his teacher, who’s been doing this for 30 years and probably has a much more informed opinion than I do about readiness. I would not make a decision based on his physical size, but social-emotional regulation, to me, is more important than smarts in terms of K readiness.
Anon says
I redshirted my oldest kid, and I have no regrets. She was absolutely book smart ready and emotionally mature at the time, but experienced a very significant life altering event in Pre-K, and on the advice of her counselors/teachers at the time, we held her back. I’ll be the voice of dissent to the posters above expressing concerns about entering K as an older kid, and now that she is in 7th grade, I see where having additional maturity has been a huge benefit as she has gotten older. Putting aside our unique experience, the expectations for school really have gotten more intense, and I have seen the older kids in the class do better, on balance, over the years.
I struggle with this now that I have a younger child with a summer birthday. I’ve seen all the benefits of starting later for my older child, and honestly wish for the same experiences for my younger child. I’m struggling more with holding back, however, given that my younger child didn’t have the same significant life event that my older child had at age 3 that was the “cause” for holding back.
Anonymous says
I would argue that expectations for behavior, parental involvement, and volume of busywork have gotten more intense, but thanks to the “teach to the test” movement the actual academic expectations have been watered down.
Anon says
I think the real question is maturity, not intelligence or size. If he is mature enough for kindergarten, I wouldn’t hold him back. If he’s not, I would. My cousin was a tiny kid and skipped a grade, which made the size difference worse, but was super mature and popular. Personality makes a big difference.
EB0220 says
My youngest was right at the cutoff and I didn’t hold her back. She is super smart and would have been super bored being held back a year.
Anonymous says
Same. Mine would have destroyed the pre-K if we’d left her there.
DLC says
How are his socio emotional skills? I think that is as much as factor in judging readiness than any kind of “book smart” criteria. I was just talking to a kindergarten teacher about this (i have a preschooler with a September birthday) and she said, regardless of how well a child is prepared with numbers and letters and reading, if they are having trouble interacting with other kids and clearly communicating with teachers, another year of preschool would not hurt. Better have them ready on that level and skip a grade later on if they need to.
Anonymous says
Skipping a grade later on is virtually impossible in many public school systems. It’s usually much easier to start on time and have them held back than to start late and skip them a grade to catch up.
Anon says
+1.
Also “red-shirting can only help and not hurt” is a common preschool teacher refrain, but I don’t believe it’s accurate. My parents were told to redshirt me (early May birthday with a 9/1 cutoff, so it was a significant gap) because I was a little emotionally immature. I had no problem following directions, but I was shy and kind of fearful. My parents decided to ignore the teachers because they believed I could handle K and I was academically way ahead. Apparently I grew up a lot the summer before K and my K teacher couldn’t believe they’d been advised to red shirt me. Academically it would have been really rough to be held back. I was taking all my classes at the local college by junior year, but at least by then I was 16 and had a driver’s license. I don’t know how my parents would have managed if I was needing college classes as a sophomore with no license.
Nanny and pre-school says
For those of you who had a nanny when your baby(ies) were young, did you also send your children to pre-school (full or part-time), and when did you start?
Anon says
I think 3 is the normal age to start preschool if kids are home with a nanny or a SAHP. We had a nanny for five months around when my daughter was a year old and didn’t do any preschool.
Anonymous says
I would put them in at least part-time preschool by age 3, the year before they are due to start pre-K. My nephew is 4 and attends a small in-home day care with mostly infants. He has a lot of trouble with group activities such as soccer, whereas the kids who attend preschool or day care have no issues. He is also lacking some of the practical life skills that day care and preschool kids are taught early on, like handwashing and throwing out your own trash.
Anon says
some of this is also just personality. one of my friend’s 3 year olds attends school and we do soccer with him and he has trouble with soccer. my kids go to preschool and are great at throwing out their own trash at school, but like many things, at home there are different challenges
Anon says
Just chiming in that this is likely personality dependent. I have 4 kids, 3 of whom went to full day care, and only 2 of whom could handle groups sports at age 4. One of the kids who absolutely could NOT handle group sports at 4 is now my most dedicated sports kid. Also, my most chore oriented kid was the kid who was home with a nanny who worked with him on basic skills. The kids who were in day care couldn’t translate the school work to home life as well.
Anonymous says
Not wanting to participate in group sports at age 4!!! (Like Jesus people, get a grip) is not a personality defect. Washing hands and throwing out trash is a parenting issue.
Anonymous says
It’s not a personality defect, but being unable to listen, pay attention, follow directions, and interact with a group is absolutely the result of a lack of experience in a group setting. Maybe it’s not a problem if you don’t care whether your 4-year-old plays soccer, but it is a huge problem if you want your 5-year-old or 6-year-old to go to kindergarten.
Anon says
Yeah I wouldn’t care one bit about whether or not a 4 year old has actual soccer skills, but I would be concerned about a 4 year old who can’t listen and follow directions from a coach because it’s likely to be indicative of problems in kindergarten.
Anon says
Eh, could be. Or could be the result of rushing your child into a structured “program” too young without enough free play or down time. Lots of maturation happens between 3-5.
Anon says
Soccer for preschoolers is like half an hour once a week. I don’t understand how that would result in a kid not having enough time for free play. And I consider myself pretty anti-overscheduling young kids.
Anon says
I agree soccer on its own is not the issue – but the comment that you must put your kid in preschool by 3 so they can learn to follow directions or else they will run amok forever is fearmongering. For some kids putting them in school too early can have the opposite effect
Anon says
I didn’t have a nanny, but am a SAHM and sent my kids to preK at age 4. They adjusted fine and are doing great in school, and they grew a lot between ages 3 & 4. With kindergarten being so academic I think some sort of preK program is helpful, but if you don’t want to be paying for two forms of child care you can wait until 4. Encourage play dates and casual extracurricular programs (story time, nature center class, etc) before then
Anonymous says
I would argue that redshirting puts kids at a disadvantage because they are not receiving developmentally appropriate instruction.
Anon says
Maybe this is for the thread above, but I didn’t redshirt. They did one year of preK and then went to kindergarten at 5 and almost-5. Developmentally appropriate instruction at age 3 is free play and being read to. What I’m saying is that one year of preK was ideal for my kids…they got one more unstructured year at home (which included seeing other kids and going places like playgrounds and the zoo) and then enjoyed school at age 4
Anon says
How is this redshirting? 4 is the normal age for Pre-K. She’s just saying she didn’t send her to kids to preschool until pre-K.
Anonymous says
Threading fail.
Anon says
we have a nanny. was planning on starting my twins in part-time preschool at age 2 (it was going to be M/W/F from 9-12:30), but due to Covid they started at age 3. I actually think it was a blessing in disguise that we couldn’t send them until age 3 because I love that they can actually communicate what they did at school. They adjusted great, their teachers said they are not at all behind and cannot tell who started at the school at 15 months vs. this year.
NYCer says
We did a 2s program that is 930a-12p three times per week. Then switched to 5x per week from 9a-12p for 3s and 4s. We kept our nanny full time, she just does other tasks while the kids are at school.
In retrospect, I would have been fine skipping 2s, but it is such a “thing” at the preschools around here, so we just went with it….
Anon says
We have a full-time nanny and send our young kids to part-time private preschool. My oldest would have started at almost 3 but we skipped the first year due to Covid and a new baby at home, so she started at almost 4. My youngest will start in the fall at 2.5. My kids go 3 days/week, for 3-5 hours a day, depending on their age and program.
Pogo says
We started at 3. I think you could wait til 4, but they definitely get a lot out of the socialization. In some ways I feel like it went SO fast and I’m like.. he’s going to kinder already?! Started with 3 mornings a week, then moved to FT when he was closer to 4.
LadyNFS says
Started part-time preschool at age three (M-Th, 2 hours/ day). At four, we went up to 5 days a week and 4 hours / day. I would have preferred 3 hours / day and 3 days a week for age 3, but this is what was available at the school we wanted, so that’s what happened. We kept FT nanny (part-way through we had a younger child) and still have her for convenience, flexibility, and because we have 2 kids (soon to be 3). For us, it was the perfect blend of socialization, structure, and still freedom for both kids to do other activities on their own schedules (younger guy while big sister was in school, older one after school during little guy’s naps, etc.). I would do it again and will do it again when it’s time for the younger ones.
Seafinch says
Preschool is a lot less common I think where we have lived in Canada than in the US so take my experience with a grain of salt but my first did a couple of mornings a week at age 3 but my other three kids did not do any. It made no difference at all at how they integrated into Kindergarten or sports etc. (Our childcare was always an Au Pair).
AnonTX says
Reporting back from a long weekend in Port Aransas (beach in Texas). It was lovely. Water was oddly…clean, which I wasn’t expecting (and I scrolled past the Texas Monthly article about how bad the water conditions are because I need some ignorance-is-bliss in my life).
We had 4 families represented, 7 kids (all <5), one house, and had a blast. Everyone drove from the Houston area, which took anywhere between 3.5-4.5 hours depending on stops, starting location, traffic, etc. We were literally able to walk to the pier and on to the beach, leave our canopy up all day, come back for meals (mostly easy stuff/takeout), etc.
Anonymous says
Native Texan and erstwhile Houstonian here: I love Port A! Glad y’all had a good time. Where did you stay?
School hating kid says
So, my kid hates school. They are only in kindergarten, which is a half day program in our neck of the woods, and their other child care is more active, more familiar, more fun. School is a ton of sitting and listening. There are no learning disabilities at play, as the kid can read, write, math above grade level – in fact, we had to meet with teacher to enforce that, no, the kid can do these things, so please don’t let them do poor quality work and then go play faster. Also potentially relevant – the school is French immersion, which is common in our area, but not a language we use at home. I thought the second language would be a challenge for a smart kid. I’m hoping that it will clear up with full day school? The kid doesn’t really tell me what they hate about school, just that they hate it. I’m not really sure what to do or if anything needs to be done…
Anonymous says
I am not surprised that a kid who is working above grade level hates kindergarten. Kindergarten is legitimately awful. Most of the day is spent on transitions between activities–lining up, waiting for other kids to line up, waiting for everyone to find the right page in the workbook, walking to lunch, walking back from lunch, etc. Then there are the red light/green light behavior systems that are incredibly stressful for kids with good behavior who are afraid of inadvertently violating the rules. And the noisy misbehaving kids causing distraction. And on and on and on.
Anonymous says
I don’t know that it’s about being above grade level (anecdata: I was way above grade level in K to the point that I ended up skipping 1st grade, but I still loved school). My 9 year old son hated kindergarten and still is not a big fan of school, but his rage about it has subsided the last few years – pandemic notwithstanding. He doesn’t like the structure, he doesn’t like sitting still, the teachers are “mean” (they are not, they just have reasonable expectations about… y’know, following rules, doing your work, being polite and respectful, and they won’t let him horse around with his friends during lesson time). He also has ADHD, which we’re treating, but is still extremely relevant.
My take: absent seeking out a private school that offers a radically different learning environment, you cannot do much about this. I emphasize to my son that not everything in life is inherently fun, sometimes you have to just make the best of it. Meanwhile, we try to make sure he has plenty of fun and constructive outlets outside of school. He likes learning! He likes reading, doing math, and many of the day-to-day things he does in school, he just doesn’t like feeling constrained. It is what it is. It is possible to both dislike school and still be a smart, healthy, happy kid.
Anon says
+1 former highly gifted kid here who loved school at that age. It was only in upper elementary where I was roped into being a teaching assistant to the kids who weren’t getting the material quickly that I started disliking school. I doubt this is because he’s above grade level academically.
OP says
I agree that the being above grade level isn’t likely the issue. I threw it in as info because I’d understand hating school more if every day was a struggle through information you simply couldn’t grasp. But this is helpful to think, well, you can hate school and it won’t necessarily kill your love of learning. Because that would be such a horrible thing
Anonymous says
I hated school until college. I always loved to learn. I now have two graduate degrees.
Pogo says
I agree that achievement and intelligence do not correlate much to liking or disliking school. I have never liked school and I’m always surprised that some people really enjoyed it!
EDAnon says
I think whether you like school or not has a lot to do with disposition. I love school (and I did well), but I love school even when I wasn’t academically advanced as something. I thrive on routine and clear expectations. School is designed for some people and doesn’t serve others well.
My husband hates routine and was never a super fan of school. He has a JD (and is a lawyer) so managed to work through it!
Anon says
I loved learning and hated school. School can be a terrible environment for kids who actually want to learn! It’s mostly aimed at kids who have to be forced. (I wasn’t happy though; school was killing my love of life, let alone learning!) I was happy as soon as I quit attending, and I had a wonderful experience in college.
Anonymous says
Kiddo is not quite 2 and has started asking for water at bedtime. She then wants to snuggle the cup, so bedtime turns into a soggy disaster. I don’t think she’s trying to prolong bedtime just yet – she’s not good about taking breaks from playing to sip water and sometimes focuses more on the food at dinner rather than drinks – so I think she’s legit thirsty and just realizing it once she slows down. Suggestions for a leak-proof water bottle that a kid her age can figure out in the dark? Or am I going to create another problem if she gets a water bottle in her crib?
NYCer says
My kids started having water bottles in their beds around around that age. We used Thinkbaby straw cups at ages 2-3 (same as daytime). They occasionally leaked, but 99% of the time were fine.
SC says
Nalgene Grip N Gulp. My son is 7, and we still use these for his water at bedtime. We’ve replaced the valves once or twice, but the cup is indestructible.
EDAnon says
We use water bottles we bought at Target ages ago. They have a straw and twist closed. They don’t leak (much) and the kids have been able to open and close them on their own. I couldn’t find them on Target to share a link, though. But a water bottle might work.
startup lawyer says
We used a camelbak at that age and it was ok so long as he doesn’t chew the mouthpiece (that’s what causes the leaking)
Anon. says
We use a camelbak with the 2 yrold and 4 yrold. I have a stash of replacement valves for when they get too chewed up.
Anon says
Munchkin Click Lock Weighted straw cups are fairly leak proof (even sideways/upside down), if the lid is screwed on correctly. My son loves to walk around holding it upside down. Occasionally a few drops will come out of the straw or it will leak if top is not screwed on well.
AwayEmily says
We use 360 cups and haven’t ever had major spills.
Anonymous says
Thanks, all. Our Munchkin click lock cups have started leaking – I think the straws are wearing out from getting chewed/pulled, but I’ll take a look at the suggestions!
Anonymous says
+100 for munchkin 360 cups. My 5 YO and 2 YO both use them in bed. 2 YO’s cup starts upright leaned against the wall and it ends up being snuggled / sideways more often than not. No leaks.
The 5YO’s cup stays on his nightstand. He seems to prefers it over a real cup bc he can drink while laying in bed. And we like it bc no chance of accidental spills.
anon says
Venting into the ether. I am feeling super down and discouraged as a parent. My middle schooler has ADHD and has had a rough couple of months. I’m getting multiple calls/emails from school every week about his behavior. He is not the mean kid, or the physically violent kid. The adults see his good qualities: bright, inquisitive, very engaged in the work. But he is the attention-seeking kid, the kid who can be really disruptive, the kid who definitely does not act his age. It’s the same story at home. He’s starting to get a complex about always being the “problem kid.”
I am at a loss. He goes to therapy to build skills. He has a 504 plan. The adults in his life, at home and at school, truly want to help. He’s lucky that he’s pretty darn charming. But truly, the kid cannot stay within the rails and it’s so freaking exhausting for everyone. And as he gets older, the grownups have less grace and tolerance for his behavior. He never “means to”; he’s just completely incapable of implementing his coping skills in the moment. Very typical ADHD stuff, the hyperactive type.
Is this ever going to get better? I am feeling super down about parenthood in general. This is not what I thought life with a young teen would be like. When most parents with kids his age are starting to feel freedom and are able to give their kids more independence, our kid is clearly not there at all. And nobody really has any answers; I feel like therapy is throwing away our time, money, and energy at this point. I’m worried about the future, and our present lives are pretty bleak. I have started closing myself off from friends because I can’t deal with hearing about their normal-kid troubles when we’re bogged down in just covering the basics.
Anonymous says
Ugh….I’m the anon with the ADHD kid in the hating-school thread, and I have a sneaking suspicion this is my future. My son’s only in 3rd grade, and we have all these conversations with his teachers that they see his good qualities but he is very difficult in the classroom and they’re worried about him being labeled as a problem kid as he gets older. I got an email yesterday that he’d made one of the aides cry because her “heart hurt” at the future she saw for him after some unfortunate behavior choices.
I noticed you didn’t mention medication. Is that in the picture at all? The doctors we work with strongly feel that it is a crucial first step and more effective than the skill-building, but I know there are lots of reasons people might choose to avoid it. Anyway, I can’t help, but just wanted to empathize that this is really hard, especially the comparisons to neuro-typical kids.
Anon says
that email you received yesterday is completely inappropriate. what are you supposed to do with that information. i hope there was some other purpose to the email other than telling you they are worried about your kid’s future
Anonymous says
It was primarily to tell me that his behavior was unacceptable and he was going get kicked out of after care if it happens again. But yeah, I had the same why-did-you-tell-me-that? gut reaction. Obviously I also am worried about my kids future in schools and society that are not designed for brains like his.
+1 to physical activities that someone mentioned below. It’s not just about spending the energy, it’s about there being a place where that hyperactive energy is a POSITIVE thing. My son struggles in school, but he’s a rock star at his sport, which is so key to maintaining his self esteem overall.
anon says
Yes, he’s medicated. Could not function without it.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry–parenting a child with ADHD is so hard and so isolating. IME therapy is a total waste for ADHD. Have you considered meds? They can be life-changing.
anon says
Meds help for sure but they have not been the total solution, unfortunately.
Anon says
so different issue, but my sister had SEVERE anxiety as a kid. like sometimes couldn’t go to school, my mom got sooo many calls from school, had to pick her up, etc. even as a high schooler she couldn’t sleepover at another kid’s house. my parents were so worried about her getting into college, etc. well not only did she get into college, she got a bit of merit based aid, and later on went to get a dual graduate degree. she drives me nuts, but has a husband who loves her and is able to handle her challenges. now that i am a parent i can only imagine how challenging this must have been for my mom. everyone else’s kids doing all of these things, parents starting to have more freedom, etc. and my parents couldn’t go out of town solo. my kids are still younger, but what exactly is the purpose of the school calling/emailing so frequently? like it is the policy? is there something they want you to do? seems like they could provide a summary email/call on a less frequent basis. regarding your therapy – do you feel like the therapist is the right fit? again, different issues, but i know with my sister it wasn’t until she switched to a certain therapist she really clicked with that she was able to really develop coping mechanisms that worked for her. also- what does your kid like to do outside of school? does he have any opportunities to be in an environment that allows him to thrive? i understand why maybe you want to close yourself off from local friends, but if you have any friends whose kids don’t interact with yours on a daily basis, let them in. i have a friend who was dealing with an issue with her kid who really needed support, but said she couldnt handle hearing about my kid issues (and mine were slightly more than ‘normal’ kid troubles, but not the same magnitude as hers) and i was able to respect that and be there for her without talking about my own (talked to a diff friend about that). sending lots of hugs and hope.
Anonymous says
What are his extra circulars like? We see a big improvement in behavior when there has been rigorous physical activity before school. When the weather is nice this usually includes a walk to school. When the weather is crummy, he’ll use the treadmill in the basement for 15 minutes before getting dressed for school.
Indoor rock climbing and cross country running have both been good for physicality and focus.
anon says
He gets in trouble at extracurricular activities, too. I was hoping they’d be a solution but they just bring on more to deal with.
Anonymous says
Does he have any ones he can do at home like pelaton or a treadmill? Our guy doesn’t do well in structured activities so DH just takes him for two hours at the climbing gym on weekends and he has a private 1 hour climb during the week – free climbing. Instructor is just so that there is someone to belay him as grandparents aren’t up for that.
anon says
That may be an option. As much as I want sports and activities to be the answer, they really haven’t been.
Anonymous says
It took some trial and error for us. Team sports or scheduled classes were a disaster.
Anonymous says
A huge +1 for climbing for kids with ADHD! It requires a lot of concentration and provides some mindfulness benefits.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi. I’m not an expert at all, but I can speak from anecdata of 1.
I have a nephew who sounds a lot like your middle-schooler. My SIL really dug in – therapy, her own research, as much 1/1 time as she could give him, and ultimately, medication was a huge help. For my nephew, he is academically smart but social cues/behavior are hard for him and where he’s behind. He got in trouble for interrupting/not giving others a chance to speak, arguing, not being able to sit still enough etc. He was (perhaps still is) on an IEP. He loved the school from home so he could finish all of his work quickly and play video. He ended u leaving scouts, was asked to leave martial arts (for being disruptive), and I think around 3 or 4 was asked to leave a preschool as well.
Today he’s 14. He’s on the shyer, more introverted side but man he has a deep soul, and is so fun to spend time with. For his birthday in February, he just wanted a pizza night at home with his parents and my MIL. Over the holidays, he was so sweet and empathetic with his cousins, our kids, who are <5. My older son thinks he's the coolest. He is obsessed with flight and is going to a summer camp all about it. He reads tomes about WWI because he's interested in it. He's an only, and my SIL, her husband, and he are just such beautiful, tight-knit, unit – he still gives snuggles!
I'm writing this because I've seen that it does actually get better….and I hope it will for you, too.
Anon says
Please vent away and ignore the following advice if it’s not helpful but I’d recommend strongly advocating for an IEP with a Functional Behavioral Assessment. Very resource intensive so rare for schools to just offer it, but can be incredibly helpful!
Ramble says
TW, MC, Roe, Abortion
I had to have an emergency, unmedicated, manual abortion in November after a failed IVF transfer around 8 weeks. Baby was not viable and I was medically at risk. I’ve had an undue amount of personal tragedy in my life to be honest, and to date this goes down as the most traumatic I’ve ever experienced. It also came after 2 years of IVF.
With today’s news, I find myself caught somewhere between wanting to turn off the news altogether, ignore all of it, and being so angry that I can’t even seem to function properly. To think this procedure I had – horrendous as it was – would not be available to someone in my exact shoes is beyond comprehension. I was reading on another s !te about different types of abortions, nuances of week X vs week y, and found myself kind of reliving it all, basically in low key tears at my desk. But I’m guilty feeling like this knowing I’m undoubtedly a privilaged white lady with means who lives in a deep blue state and will probably be a-ok.
I don’t really know what my point is. Maybe give everyone a little extra grace as this new plays out? No one in my circle really knows what happened to me on Nov 1. They just vaguely know I had an IVF transfer and miscarried and that I had a really hard procedure but I’m fine now. This is striking me in ways I never anticipated, and I’m sure there are others like me out there.
Anonymous says
I am so sorry you had to experience that. And I give you my permission to stop reading about this stuff for a while. And I encourage you to see if you can find a friend to talk to about it (I know, easier said than done). Sending hugs.
EDAnon says
I am so sorry. It might =make you feel better to give to organizations helping others in your shoes. It makes me feel like I am doing something.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m sorry you went through this. I posted lot of my ire anonymously on the main site but today reinforced my feelings that I am seen as a second class citizen by a lot of people in this country, who also happen to be in power. They know damn well that this isn’t about “protecting the life of the fetus,” it’s about saying that the lives and decisions of women don’t matter. Women who carry the pregnancies, suffer through 9 months of potentially terrible nausea, aches, and have their lives and bodies completely changed, then do the (unpaid) hard work of child rearing, all while also working and trying to look out for society… we don’t matter. It’s depressing and infuriating.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
OP – I’m so sorry you had to go through this and are now re-living it. This is all so hard.
BLE – This is so well-said. Exactly where I land. If they really cared about “families” there would be some type of national health coverage for all, universal pre-K, and better childcare for anyone working (not just those who can afford it).
Anonymous says
If they cared about protecting life, they’d be pushing to expand Medicaid, wouldn’t be trying to get rid of the ACA (after all, it’s the reason why insurers can no longer consider pregnancy a pre-existing condition), wouldn’t be pushing for all kinds of burdens on SNAP recipients, and oh yeah, wouldn’t have been challenging the early Covid lockdowns because they wanted to have a big, unmasked, in-person anti-abortion fundraising gala (yep, happened in my state). Etc., etc…
Anonymous says
Hugs – it’s so hard. There are many many women out there like you. All the comments about choosing adoption or using birth control completely miss the reality of why abortion is healthcare for so many women.
OP says
I wish I could share my story from the rooftops, to be honest. I wish I was brave enough to make my story personal for someone who voted in one way or another that brought us to this moment. I wish I could do the bare minimum and call my senators and reps and tell them their constituent needs them to fight harder, but I know they’re already doing that.
Thank you all for the kindness.
Anonymous says
I am so sorry for your experience and your loss. FWIW, a former colleague has been very vocal about his wife’s third-trimester abortion for a much wanted second or third child. Her life was at risk, the baby wasn’t viable, and it was still a traumatic and dangerous procedure (and dangerous pregnancy every day it continued). Every year they recognize the death by sharing information about third-trimester abortions, and how the vast majority of them are like theirs. I’m sure it’s raw and difficult for them (maybe more for her) but it’s been eye-opening and absolutely has set my opinions firmly in the camp of pro-choice. So: if/when you feel like you can share, consider doing it.
Anonymous says
I’m really sorry this happened to you. That’s a lot to carry with you.
Anon says
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m so outraged. I said this on the main page, but I told my husband to book his vasectomy ASAP. I’m financially privileged and able to travel, but no longer have faith that I’ll get the urgent medical care I need in my red state and can’t bear the thought of leaving my child motherless because of an unintended pregnancy.
Anonymous says
Hugs. I am so sorry you went through this. I had to look into TFMR a couple years ago for a much wanted pregnancy, and I am also struggling right now. And I too feel guilty because even though I live in a purpley red state, I’m a short drive from the IL border and have enough money to know that I’ll be fine. FWIW, I think you’re very brave. In my case, I had a miscarriage days before the scheduled first visit (required in my state, it’s the visit where they make sure you see the heartbeat on the ultrasound), which felt like a huge relief because it meant I no longer had to be the one to make that decision. I was not yet at the point where my health was threatened, but things were heading in that direction, and I still don’t know if I would’ve been able to make the decision to go through with an abortion.
sadandmad says
I’m so sorry you went through that.
The other aspect of this is that many women who experience miscarriages will now be investigated criminally. It’s already happening.
FWIW, if you don’t want to read the news but do want to support a great org – s/o to National Advocates for Pregnant Women. They fight against things like criminal prosecution for pregnancy losses.
Anonymous says
I went though something very similar. Diagnosed with cancer at 8 weeks pregnant and need to start chemo immediately so I had an abortion. If you ever want to talk, please post a burner email. I’ve also found it incredibly isolating.
When you start banning it, the conversation turns to exceptions (life of mother? Rape? Medical issues)?. Even Democrats get in on these discussions. It feels like the whole nation is weighing in right now on whether they think my abortion was really worthy. Why should I have to prove my abortion meets someone else’s moral standard to avoid dying a slow and painful death from cancer or having a stillborn child?
My situation wasn’t black and white. I could have continued the pregnancy if I was willing to accept a 35% survival rate (instead of 90%) or a risk of birth defects incompatible with life greater than 60%. It’s a messy gray area and it’s between me and my doctor.
I have never told anyone I know in real life what happened to me, other than my husband, because I don’t want people I know holding me up as an example of why we need abortion. There’s no good abortion and bad abortion. The “why” should never be a barrier to healthcare.
Realist says
We had a good friend that chose the 35% survival rate and continued the pregnancy. The cancer won and she died. Her healthy baby survived. Her husband is the best dad ever and I know they knew the risks of her choice, but it was their choice. Abortion is healthcare. We should all have access to healthcare.
Realist says
This should have said “her choice.” My language reflected that this couple made the choice together and they both wanted to continue the pregnancy and delay chemo. But it is the pregnant person that ultimately gets to decide on their healthcare.
anon for this says
I conceived my children with IVF and did not experience the trauma you did, but it still feels like a gut punch to those of us who sacrificed SO MUCH to become parents and then are told our healthcare doesn’t matter.
I’m also a survivor of SA who made use of emergency contraception (also happened to be in a country where it took no effort to procure, and about 5 euro if I recall – count myself extremely lucky) and the comments people make around that horrific choice are so offensive it makes me want to vomit.
Cornellian says
I’m in a similar boat. I haven’t told real life people about my recent unplanned and despite an IUD and condoms miscarriage/abortion, and I just want to scream it in peoples’ faces today. That I’m in a red state and pregnant again (this time with a NuvaRing, apparently it’s my super power) doesn’t help. I frankly wasn’t super torn up about losing the pregnancy, although I was planning on keeping it and have never considered elective abortion, but it was super terrifying to realize I could actually die and leave my preschooler, or perhaps go to prison and leave him that way, instead. I work for the state and they wont cover the drug that was needed to save my life, and I don’t have the energy to fight it right now.
I think I may start telling more people, once I’m sure I can handle their responses. Everyone has a right to be private, of course, but I think people don’t realize how complex and sometimes dangerous pregnancy is.
Cornellian says
Whoops, missed the key term “ectopic pregnancy” above.
anonnow says
I have a nearly 1 year old and reading the comments here makes me feel so depressed sometimes. Does anyone NOT feel like parenting is just so hard and thankless and draining and that they would be happier without kids? It seems from all these comments like it never gets any easier, career, hobbies and marriage all have to suffer, and I’m just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. There was a post on the other page today about how pregnancy/parenting made some people more pro choice because they know better now about the toll a child takes on you.
I could never say this in real life but I routinely wish people had been more real with me about parenting rather than badgering me to have a kid because I’ll regret it forever if I don’t and then turning around when I’m struggling and saying “well, you wanted this, welcome to parenthood.”
Anonymous says
To be fair, parenting was always difficult but it’s been 100 times more difficult over the past two years.
Anonymous says
We vent a lot here because it’s easy to share the wonderful moments in real life like the first time your kid figures out their pedal bike or the first time they have cookie dough ice cream or the tight hugs when you have been away from them all day. It’s harder to find a safe space to vent about not being able to pee alone or loving your kids but being tired of them touching you etc. So we come here for that.
Parenting has been hard on our marriage but it has also made it richer and deeper as I have come to know a whole new side of my husband as a father.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is a loaded question and I feel like my response won’t do it justice but I’ll try: I was already pro choice but parenting definitely made me more pro choice/radical/etc. because I have now seen first hand how hard and thankless it is to raise children, and I would never force this on someone who didn’t absolutely want it. But I did want children and as hard as the day to day is, I truly feel that my life wouldn’t have been complete without them and without this lifelong experience. It’s a love that I can’t compare to anything else. If I think about it too much, my biggest fear is that something will happen to my children and it will break me. But that is the price I’m willing to pay to understand this kind of love.
Having kids has also brought me closer to my partner and I am so grateful to do this with him. My kids bring up a lot of memories about my childhood that I’ve had to work through, but that is also worth it for me. My approach to work has changed, but I think acknowledging that any job is not the be all end all, and is at the end of the day, just a job, is a healthier approach for someone who was formerly very type A and career motivated.
I think a lot of what makes parenting hard, in the early years especially, but also later on, is the idea that we have to do it all, all by ourselves. That was never how raising small children was supposed to be. Parenting has opened my (formerly naive) eyes to just how messed up our society is for people who care about caregiving.
It’s hard not to post here about our struggles, because they are so universal and we need support. But you don’t see the posts about how my 3 year old whispers back “I love you too” before I say goodnight to him, or sings a song that he learned in school that is just adorable, or when my 6 year old writes a note all by himself that “he loves when mommy and daddy give him a hug before bed” but those moments are there too, interspersed with all of the hard stuff.
Patricia Gardiner says
Hi! I think we are all more prone to vent when things are hard, and we also don’t want to be smug parents and make others feel bad if they’re having a tough time. Right now I would say I’m loving parenting and my kids are awesome, they are so cute playing together and giggling, I could just melt (3.5 boy and 1.5 girl). But… 3 weeks ago? The 1.5yo was going through a terrible teething spell, and it was really horrendous for all of us. Of course I know that things will get better and worse throughout their lives. But… yeah. You asked for the opposite viewpoint, so I will say they have enriched my life and I am so happy to be a parent.
Anon says
parenting is often hard, thankless and draining, but i always wanted to be a mom and am glad i have the opportunity to be one. i do not think i would be happier without kids bc i always wanted at least one and would probably be sad if never got to be a mom. these people in your life who respond to your struggles by saying ‘welcome to parenthood’ do not sound very supportive. i desperately wanted to be a parent and had an extremely challenging adjustment to parenthood with severe PPA/PPD. you are less than one year postpartum, do you think PPD could be at play? also, this site is where people often come to vent and ask for advice. sometimes people come to share parenting wins as well, but if people regularly came on and posted ‘oh i just love being a mom, it is so easy to balance my job, hobbies and parenthood and my marriage is wonderful’ we’d probably tear that person apart and wonder the point of their post.
NYCer says
To answer your first question, I do not feel like parenting is just so hard and thankless and draining, and I definitely do not feel like I would be happier without kids. Sure, there are moments when the kids, my husband, everyone and everything is driving me absolutely crazy, but I can say without hesitation that my kids are BY FAR the greatest joys of my life, and I cannot imagine my life without them. I also do not really think that my career or my marriage has suffered since having kids, but I am definitely less ambitious than many on this board (and yes, my hobbies have suffered somewhat, but I can live without playing tennis more than once week during this season of life).
EDAnon says
I agree with this. My kids bring me tons of work and effort and stress, but also some of the greatest joys. Their love for me and my love for them are so uplifting in my life. Plus, I would be bored out of my mind without all they bring to my life and how they help me learn and grow. They make aging easier for me because I look forward to joyous moments in their lives and I know I have to get old to see them (totally worth it!). I LOVE being a parent and wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Also, not everything is bad when you have kids (at least not all the time). My marriage is doing really well, I am more successful than I ever expected, and I am achieving things i never expected in my personal life. It’s not that I don’t have bad times (April was TERRIBLE), but on the whole, when I step back, I am so lucky and so happy.
Anonymous says
I love being a mom. The first two years are hard. And if you have another, the clock resets. Then it starts to get easier little by little. I do feel like DH and I are lacking some romance/connection, but it’s a season of life. Hopefully we’re married for 60 years and 20 of them will include active parenting. I am not depressed or totally drained. I have really hard days and moments and solo-parent A LOT, but it’s not for forever. I aim to have a lot of fun with my kids by doing activities I enjoy with them (Hiking, being outside, swimming, reading books, baking). I have tried exceptionally hard to make local mom friends and that helps. So yeh being a mom is hard but hard does not equal bad.
Anonymous says
“hard does not equal bad” is the motto I did not know I need but will think about a lot.
Parenting 3 kids including one with special needs is by far the hardest thing I have ever done but it is not ‘bad’. My life is harder but richer, deeper and better for the journey.
Anonymous says
Oh also it’s not thankless for forever. Your child isn’t 1 yet! There’s so much good to come once they start talking and showing so much personality. My 5 year old and 2.9 yo thank me all the time, for little stuff and big stuff. Of course they don’t realize everything their parents do, but it’s not a totally thankless job. If you do find that you regret becoming a parent I hope you can speak to a therapist to work through these feelings. I hope you did not become a parent just because other people told you that you should.
Spirograph says
I agree 100% with hard does not equal bad. For me, parenting has a lot of joy mixed in with the daily grind that is a fair trade-off for the more carefree path not taken. Some days are tough, but some days would be tough even if I didn’t have kids. They’d just be differently tough.
OP, you’re not wrong for feeling that it’s hard, but I hope you can find the good things in the struggle. And know that it does get easier — 1 year olds don’t give a lot back to you, but it gets better.
Anon says
I made the comment on the main page about pregnancy making me more pro choice. It was not a statement about me not liking parenting or even pregnancy. I actually had a pretty easy pregnancy, felt good in my body and enjoyed being pregnant most of the time. But when I was pregnant I just had this visceral reaction to anti-abortion activists because I really learned for the first time that when you’re pregnant your body is not your own. I was going through so many changes – some good, some not so good, some just plain weird – and that was fine, because I wanted my baby and all those changes were worth it to me. But it made me aware of the toll a pregnancy takes on your body, and how I would not want to do it for 9 months for a baby I didn’t want. When I was pregnant, I also learned a lot more about maternal mortality rates, which are staggeringly high in my deep red state. I was willing to risk my life to have a child I wanted, especially with no existing children who needed me. But I’m not willing to risk my life to carry an unwanted pregnancy for someone else, so it really threw cold water on the whole “just carry the baby and put it up for adoption” argument that I admit I had been somewhat sympathetic to before pregnancy.
To answer your bigger question about parenting sometimes being hard and draining, that has not been my experience most of the time, although I will say ages 2.5-4 were very hard for me and there were probably more bad days than good. I love my child and wouldn’t say I ever regretted having her, but it definitely felt like something we had to white knuckle through more often than not (and cemented our decision not to have a second child). But since she turned 4, it has really been so, so much easier and more fun and I really get a lot of joy from parenting these. A lot of people aren’t baby people. The fact that you’re not over the moon about parenthood right now doesn’t mean you won’t be in the future. And even if you never end up enjoying it and wish you hadn’t done it, you can still raise good kids who feel loved. Be kind to yourself.
And yes, pandemic parenting is a whole ‘nother level of hardship that none of us expected or asked for.
Anonymous says
If that’s your take away please talk to your doctor about depression. Hardly anyone ever says their life would be better without kids. If that’s what you’re reading that’s concerning because it is not what is happening.
Anon says
I think no one ever says their life would be better without kids because it’s not a socially acceptable thing to say. I definitely think some people feel it.
Anonymous says
I’m sure some people do feel that way (but I don’t think it’s a healthy way to feel, even if it’s objectively justifiable, so therapy would still be warranted). I don’t think that’s what 1:53 is saying, though. I think she’s saying that this board is not full of people talking about regretting their decision to have kids, and I agree it is extremely rare for anyone to say anything to that effect. There are tons of discussions about particular aspects of parenting that are hard, or particular factors that make it more difficult, or mundane frustrations. Those are very, very different things than “my life would be ‘better’ without kids.” My life would probably be *easier* without kids, but easier and better aren’t the same thing.
Anon says
Oh gotcha. Yeah I agree the vast majority of people here seem to enjoy being parents on the whole and are just here to vent/get advice about common challenges.
anon says
When people are real in “real life,” they are opening themselves up for judgment and criticism so it’s not super surprising. Society is not kind to moms who are having a hard time, despite all the social media tropes. There are very few people with whom I can be real about my challenges, so I take it to the internet. There’s not much to say when things are going smoothly.
I love my kids more than anyone, and they were both very much planned for and wanted. But I knew going into this that it was going to be hard. The hard parts look different for every family. Parenting has changed a lot of things in my life, but would I really be happier if I weren’t a parent? I don’t know that I would. The hard also looks different at every stage. If you look at it all as a conglomerate of info, yeah, it looks pretty bleak. But you’re not necessarily dealing with everything all at once.
Anon Lawyer says
Having a kid has been the most wonderful and rewarding choice I’ve ever made but it is also super hard and I would never want anyone to be forced into it. I once read something that really resonated with me which is: yes, having kids is hard but lots of hard things are worth doing. If it’s the right path for you, it’s 100% worth it but it’s still ok to vent and commiserate because we all need that. If it’s not, you should never in a million years be pressured, coerced or forced into it.
Anonymous says
So, I’m about a year past where you are. I think a lot of people come here to vent because they can do so anonymously. And those who have experienced a hardship, whether it’s baby sleep issues or kids with ADHD, might not feel comfortable speaking up publicly but are happy to share their experiences anonymously. I know that I’ve struggled to find support from IRL friends because oftentimes people who haven’t experienced a hardship are completely unable to understand that things might not be going smoothly for someone else. Just this past weekend, one of DH’s friends asked us, in a very public place, if we were planning to have another kid, and I quietly mentioned that things did not go easily at first, and that I had a traumatic hospital experience post-birth, and he literally said, something to the effect of, well that’s just what babies are like, followed by “You could do a home birth,” as if it was only the location that was the issue before.
I second the suggestion to look into therapy. It took me a long time to find someone, and honestly the therapist isn’t a perfect match, but it is SO helpful to have a neutral party to vent to.
Anon says
Aww, I’m sorry! I’m the anon who posted yesterday about “2 parents + 2 jobs + 1 baby = a lot of unmet needs” which was probably one of the many posts triggering this post. And today I texted my family bragging about how fun my baby is now that she’s crawling. Both things are true.
I do think this site is a very specific corner of anonymous internet venting that isn’t otherwise socially acceptable, which I appreciate. And I’m also really grateful for people’s honesty flagging some universally rough times ahead. It’s discouraging but also helpful to know that these are the physical demanding years, childcare gets more difficult when you hit school age and teens require more invisible physical presence etc.
Anon says
Social media/internet boards are a double-edged sword. They provide opportunities for support, advice and camaraderie. But they also become an echo-chamber of complaining (you need wine to function, everyone’s kids are bad and annoying, all moms need to spend hundreds at Target every weekend for “me-time”, etc). I find that if I get offline and think about my actual situation, I’m able to view it more positively and remember that I’m actually really happy with my life. Kids involve sacrifice, no question, but they aren’t (necessarily) the dreary burden that the current mommy culture portrays online.
I also found having the first kid was the hardest – the adjustment to motherhood is so huge. I enjoy motherhood and family life now more with three kids (and am trying to convince my husband to have a fourth!)
all about the social support says
I think parenting is very hard, that’s undeniable, but I encourage you to join a mom’s group (I’m in MOPS). Not every meet-up will be great, but over the long term, it’s so affirming to get to know other moms in real life, to learn their struggles and resilience, to see the variety of life out there beyond your own story (and what the internet presents you, on this very niche online board). I think the internet is a great source of information but can also be very, very dark. As parents, and as people, we need to connect in real life, and that’s part of how we deal, and part of how we feel better and stronger and more hopeful and able to laugh about the craziness instead of just weep and cave inward. I have no idea if you already have a good connection with other moms in real life, but for me, it’s made a really big difference in my mental health.
Katarina says
Parenting is hard, but I love being a parent. On a forum of any kind, the people having problems are much more likely to post. My situation is probably somewhat unique because my husband is a SAHD, so I have plenty of space for a career. I am not much of a hobby person, but now that my kids are older (8, 6, and 3) I have been able to workout regularly, and have for over a year. I don’t think my marriage has suffered from having kids. I was actually really scared to become a parent because I heard so much complaining about it, and it has been so much easier than I expected. I probably read too many parenting boards. I have some challenges, my 8 year old has ADHD and my 3 year old is not close to being potty trained, but my kids bring me so much joy.
FWIW pregnancy did make me more pro-choice, pregnancy was very hard for me physically and emotionally, although I had “easy” pregnancies.
Anonymous says
TBH we’d all probably benefit from doing a gratitude journal instead of spending time here!
My kids are still little, so I can’t speak to what it’s like when they’re older. But by and large, I think the happy parents are the people with good partners who have made sometimes tough decisions about how to prioritize. For example, moving to be near family so that you have extra support. Or taking turns with who has the “big” job so that life feels more sane. Or minimizing after-school activities. You pick your battles. Of course you can’t pick your kids :)
One thing in general that frustrates me… so many moms I know are very happy to spend a lot of time places like this and FB complaining about how no one supports them, the system is a mess, etc etc. If you have all that time… then go do something! Run for office! Get involved! There’s all this shouting into the void that could be shouting at someone–you know, politely!
Broccoli says
Low stakes question for the end of the day – anyone have any suggestions to make broccoli tastier for toddlers? She’ll eat it with her friends at daycare, but eating it with mom and dad doesn’t provide the same type of peer pressure.
Anon says
Cheeeeeeeese. If you want a very easy option, Amy’s frozen broccoli cheddar bowls are delicious.
Anonymous says
Roast it and serve with ranch dressing.
Anonymous says
Ranch FTW
Anon says
My standard for any vegetable is to generously toss with cooking oil (butter, olive, or avocado are faves), salt it, and then roast at 400 (flexible here if you are cooking something else) until nearly burnt. The broccoli is best if you let the smallest pieces actually burn a bit. Roasted broccoli is delicious.
Anonymous says
Grosssssss it’s just nasty. Drown it in cheese or just don’t serve it
Spirograph says
How do you prepare it at home? I’d just try a bunch of different ways. Broccoli tastses so different depending on the preparation. My kids love steamed broccoli crisp-tender with just a little salt and pepper. They do not like it raw or cooked to total mushiness, or cooked with butter or cheese sauce on top (although they do like broccoli and cheese soup, and blanched broccoli for fondue dipping, which makes no sense). I love roasted broccoli, so I keep trying occasionally, but they refuse it every time. weirdos
Anonymous says
I’ve tried lightly steamed and buttered (which is apparently what they do at daycare) and roasted with various seasonings that she likes on other foods, and it’s all been rejected. I think I need to up my sauce game.
She’ll only eat broccoli at home if it’s on pizza, which is obviously not on the menu every night, as much as I’d like it to be.
Anonymous says
If she eats broccoli on pizza and at school, I’d just keep offering it however you are serving it and not stress out too much. If she’ll eat it in any form at all she’s probably not a “supertaster” who will reject it categorically, and is likely to begin accepting more preparations at some point.
Anonymous says
I’m not really stressed per se, just getting tired of peas and spinach myself, lol. And honestly super drained at the end of the day lately and tired of the theatrics about how I’m so horrible for even thinking about putting a piece of broccoli on her plate.
Anonymous says
I have a picky eater and my solution is to roast different vegetables on the same pan. I get broccoli, she gets carrots.
startup lawyer says
if your daughter is 2, serve it with ketchup. JK, i think a tip is to serve with with a choice of toppings/condiments like ketchup or parmesan. in our house, he will dip a few in the ketchup
anonM says
Iowa Girl Eats Cheesy Broccoli orzo! We (at least) double the amount of broccoli in the recipe (AND then double the full recipe, so like a whole bag of broccoli, I’m bad a measuring). Kids will often eat a lot of it raw while “helping” me chop it up for this recipe, and they love the recipe itself! I usually add some chicken nuggets and call it a full meal. I also use full gluten orzo (sorry Iowa Girl!).
EDAnon says
Get it from Culver’s. My kids love Culver’s broccoli and it opened up the door for them.
Anon says
I don’t have experience with Culvers, but broccoli in restaurants can be extremely salty, which isn’t great for little kids. I remember being shocked when we took our then baby to O’Charley’s and I looked at the nutrtiional info on the menu and realized the broccoli had more sodium than the french fries. To be fair, I think O’Charley’s is bad even for a restaurant – DH and I both tried it and thought it tasted like it had been boiled in seawater like a lobster. But something to consider if your kid only like restaurant broccoli is that it may be extremely high in sodium, which likely outweighs any health benefits of the broccoli, especially if they’re eating other salt-free veggies at home.
Anon says
Feeding your kid salt-free vegetables at home is a good way to ensure they won’t like vegetables.
Anon says
I meant lightly salted, not literally salt free. Veggies don’t need more salt than french fries to taste good.
Anon says
I’m sure this has been asked a million times, but what are people’s stroller recommendations
Anon says
Really depends on your lifestyle. I only have one kid and we live in suburbia with a car commute, so we only needed a stroller for walks around the neighborhood and travel. We got the Summer Infant 3-D Lite, which is less than $100 from Target and were very happy with it. It held up great until it was destroyed by an airline on a trip to Europe, at which point my daughter was 4 and we didn’t replace it. I’m VERY happy I didn’t spend $1k+ on one of the fancy stroller systems, but I think there’s probably more need for that if you live in a city and commute on foot or transit.
Anon says
Very dependent on your needs. A little more information on your location and wants could be helpful. We own a Mockingbird and I love it (only 1 kid currently so I don’t know how it works as a double). It’s a beast so it wouldn’t be good for stairs or frequently loading into and out of cars. But it’s a very smooth ride and I like all the configuration options.
Stroller Junkie says
Bumbleride Indie!! Love it. My favorite workhorse of the all strollers I’ve bought and sold (I have a 2YO and 5.5YO and have had 6 strollers). I’m basically like that guy with cars in his front yard…but with luxe strollers lol.
Pro-tips:
-economics for strollers are similar to cars. They depreciate the moment you take one home. The fancy brands plateau out to stable resale values. And the low end ones have very minimal / no resale value. Totally worth it to buy used!
-Feel free mix and match strollers and car seat brands. Don’t be tricked into thinking you must commit to one brand for both—many strollers had car seat adapters for other brands’ car seats.
-Baby bassinets attachments may be unnecessary. They have a short window of usage. Either use your car seat (for short periods of time) or many strollers can be adjusted to lay flat / almost flat and you can buy a generic infant insert from AMZ.
Strollers I’ve owned since 2016:
-Nuna Mixx (great compatibility with the Nuna pipa carseat. But it was not great on our bumpy city sidewalks and in parks. Worst over curbs /intersections when the sidewalk doesn’t have a ramp—seems like its frame’s center of gravity is too high. Was not compact when folded…Only fit in my medium sized SUV’s trunk “landscape mode” and not “portrait mode”…leaving not much room for other stuff. Received it new; resold for partial value)
-UppaBaby Vista (big basket is nice for shopping but it’s heavy; had adaptors for the Nuna car seat. My 3YO at the time refused to sit in second seat so defeated the reason I got it. It’s better than Nuna on bumpy sidewalks and going over curbs. Bought used and resold for the exact same price I paid)
-Bumbleride Indie (super smooth ride, easy to maneuver on three wheels. I think it can be used as jogging stroller too…has adaptors for different car seat brands. Wish the basket was bigger; but this is minor compared to how nice everything else is. Bought used with the first kid and still using it with kiddo #2. Can probably resell for same or close to same price when we’re done)
– Maclaren Volo (really easy for travel…gate checks, trunks, beaches, it went through a lot. Worked great. Very light weight. There were times I wished it would recline. Bought a very used one 3rd/4th hand for $20. Sold it for same price bc I was influenced before kiddo #2 came and wanted to “upgrade” our travel stroller… we have some beach travel coming up this summer and I kinda wish we kept the Volo workhorse)
– Babyzen Yoyo (I was influenced by influencers! Bought and returned one during a Nordy’s sale. It was nice and lightweight and would have had the car seat adaptors we needed. The two step fold was annoying. And I could not justify the full price so returned it)
-UppaBaby Minu (comparable to the Yo-yo. Folded dimensions are slightly bigger. One handed fold and unfold. Kiddo has taken naps in this. Keeping this as our travel / leave in the trunk stroller…but not doing much air travel these days bc covid)
Anon says
Different take: I grew up in a very dysfunctional and abusive home. For a long time, I didn’t want to be a mother; this probably had a lot to do with emotional martyrdom being shoved down my throat.
I no longer have those people in my life. My husband is a great father. Sometimes it’s nice to have time to ourselves, but our son is great. It’s such fun to show him all the stuff that we live doing. It’s fun to have him tag along on date night. I love watching him learn. The “thanks” I want are a happy, loving kid who turns into a joyful, functional adult with no concept of the physical and emotional abuse his mom suffered. Not that he won’t know, but he won’t be able to have any frame of reference.
HOWEVER, I am one and done. This makes a lot of people viscerally angry with me, but it’s my life and not theirs. Their opinions need to be kept to themselves and I don’t run my life by other people. I can’t explain to people IRL that the exhaustion and stress of a second is more than I can handle, and not in a cute “I’m overwhelmed” way.
Anonymous says
I was you. Then my kid was diagnosed with an issue that has robbed them of joy and function. Now it all seems meaningless.
Anon says
I didn’t have the bad childhood experiences you did (hugs) but solidarity on the one and done front. I really feel like I have the best of both worlds, getting to experience parenthood but still having time for a lot of my pre-kid life. No one except your spouse should have strong feelings about your family planning choices! You need to do what makes you happy. I think I could technically handle a second but I think it would make my life a lot less fun and more stressful so I don’t want to do it. That’s enough, I don’t need a better reason than that.