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Kid/Family Sales
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Cb says
Kid win! My dad is a baby person (dropped everything, moved to Scotland, and nannied for us for 6 months) but has struggled as T has gotten older. He was super checked out at Christmas and T declared “papa is a bit boring!” But they are here for the week helping cover half-term and my dad is really stepping up and seems to be enjoying it loads more. They went to the museum solo yesterday, and while grandma will always be #1 (suspect her provision of snacks helps), they are getting so much closer.
Emma says
It’s so nice when your parents bond with your kid. My dad visited our newborn and was a little checked out, which was a little hurtful to me at the time. But in hindsight it’s not that easy to bond with a 3 week old! When they were back for the holidays my dad couldn’t get enough of the 3 month old – he talked to her, gave bottles, played with her, changed diapers, the whole thing. She was smiling and babbling at him when he walked into the room. It was a little bit of a surprise honestly, and also very touching. We’re visiting them in Europe when she will be 6 months old and I can’t wait!
Vicky Austin says
Aww, yay! That’s so sweet!
Anon says
That’s awesome! Also half term explains so much! We’re on vacation currently and there are SO MANY Brits here.
Cb says
Haha! If it weren’t still uni teaching term (our half term is over St Patrick’s Day because #ireland), I’d be someplace warm.
Anonymous says
How do y’all prepare your 3-4 year olds for trips? We are traveling this coming Friday, so we started talking about it this past weekend to get our kid prepared. But now every morning he wakes up excited to go to Grandpa’s house, and then really upset that we’re not going yet. We count out the days together, and he seems to get it, but then he’s mad later when he remembers we’re supposed to go to Grandpa’s house! Any tips?
Cb says
We’ve done visual countdowns in the past which have helped. But honestly, I’d just tell him Wednesday or Thursday for a Saturday departure.
Liza says
I’m not seeing any positives you’ve mentioned to telling him in advance, since it seems to be producing more frustration/anxiety than joy/excitement, so in the future I’d just not say anything until the night before around dinner or bedtime.
anon says
This is what we do. Made the mistake of telling our toddler about our thanksgiving trip to grandma and grandpas about a week out and every morning he woke up and asked fly on airplane to papa’s house?
Anon says
And that age we didn’t talk about it much in advance. It might come up once in a while like if she saw a snorkel we bought and we said “that’s for our upcoming trip to Hawaii” but we weren’t like “we’re going to Hawaii soon omg!!!” Their sense of time is not that good at that age, and not all kids do well with lots of prep.
JTM says
I share the night before, otherwise I’m just setting myself up for a lot of tears & “why aren’t we going today?” questions. Little kids don’t have a sense of time so telling them about an event that’s happening more than a few hours before just confuses them.
Anonympus says
At that age, unless it was a huge trip, I just didn’t mention it until the night before.
anon says
Visual countdowns, helping to pack (which is never actually helpful), if visiting family drawing a picture or something to bring to the host, etc. Otherwise, just moving past it.
EDAnon says
We count sleeps which my kids both like since ages 3+. So 3 sleeps until we leave or 2 sleeps until the birthday party. It works really well! I picked it up from another parent. Sleeps make more sense to my kids than days.
Anon says
Because I’m nosy and fascinated by other peoples’ relationships: what values and limits do you have in your marriage/partnership? Did they come naturally and feel easy to you or do you strain against them?
Backstory: my friend’s husband recently started overnight MBA classes in addition to a demanding career and time consuming hobby. Absolutely no shade, it seems to be working for the two of them, good for them! This would be a huge no in my marriage (for either of us). We both really value family time. To the point where it’s probably more extreme than other couples- we’ve purposely not taken jobs that would require extended hours or travel. It works for us and came about organically.
Another Anon says
Oh, I love this question! I think generally our values and limits have evolved organically and we just sort of always find a way to align. I feel no strain! We come at things from the perspective of being on the same team and wanting what’s best for each other and our family. If something is important to the other, we always try to make it work and make sure the other person feels empowered to do it. For me, it’s taken time to accept that I frankly need more than my husband. He is pretty content with his away-from-work time being mostly family and service to others. I run marathons to calm down and tend to be a bit more social. On the flip side then, anytime he does want to do anything, from a sporting event to seeing a band with a friend, we make it work. fwiw though, we also value family time above all else, so the arrangement you described wouldn’t fly for us, but I can see how it would for others. details: married 13 years, 2 kids preschool and school aged
Cb says
Yes, my husband is much more of a homebody than I am, so I try to stuff my working weeks with social events, activities, etc to prioritise family time when I’m home.
GCA says
Fascinating – are you me? We have very similar family structures, hobbies, values and kid ages (7.5, 4.5, married 11 years). DH is a very hands-on partner and dad. One kid is in Cub Scouts at the moment and it’s been awesomely multi-purpose: service to others, activity + life skills for kid, and meeting other families with similar values and approaches to parenting.
Cb says
We are on the Scout waitlist and I’m quite excited about it. We both have childhood scouts trauma (needed a SAHM for brownies, my husband got sent to communist scouts which didn’t do any camping) and T LOVES to outdoors so hoping we get a spot next year.
Liza says
As a leader in our local Scout Pack, that makes me so sad that there is a waitlist and that a family who is interested in Scouting cannot get access! We have a den that is disproportionately huge, but it literally never occurred to me that Scouts would turn someone away because they are full. Have they told you why? Are there other Packs in your area that you could join? Are there other parents whose kids are on the waitlist with whom you could form another den, maybe bringing over some of the kids from the currently-full den? A Pack can have multiple dens of the same level if there are den-size issues. (I realize you asked literally no one to solve this problem for you.)
Cb says
It seems to be a UK-wide problem of increased demand post-pandemic and maybe attrition of volunteers? He’s not eligible til he’s 6 (August), but they said we should get on the waitlist early and hopefully have a spot by 7… This is the only one in our town. I strongly hinted about how keen we were to be involved as a family in hopes that might help?
We’re on year 2 of swim waitlist, but are willing/able to drive for swim in another town.
Cb says
Ooh that’s interesting! I feel sometimes that I’m not living the life I should be living – I love the husband, the kid, but I don’t actually want to be where we are? But we did a pandemic panic move and now my husband and son feel really invested/happily settled. I’ll be 50 when kiddo goes to uni, which is fine for an academic, and I’d like to move to mainland Europe.
I work elsewhere – a short flight away, so I’m gone T-Fr during the uni term (Jan-April, September-November) and sporadically outside of term. It would have been a big fat NO for most people, but works for us for now. I want an academic job, my husband wants to live in our village – so the compromise is that I’m the airline’s very best customer. However, this means that my husband makes different choices – a local job, civil service versus private sector, for the work-life balance.
My husband desperately needs a hobby, and tried out for a choir but we were both relieved when he didn’t get it as I don’t think we would want to sacrifice one of our few nights together as a family.
Anon says
Ooh, Cb, this is the kind of stuff I think is fascinating! How people blend their lives and compromise on these big things.
Cb says
It was definitely a work in progress. We knew we’d likely have to move once I finished my PhD and I got a “we’ll just move wherever… I work in IT” but by the time we had our child/I finished, my husband was settled in a new job, etc. And I got a local postdoc, and we kind of got stuck. In hindsight, I wish we had moved when T was an infant and we were less settled? Now it feels like such a big deal. And we wouldn’t move to my work city. It’s a postconflict city, hard to find community, segregated schools (catholic/protestant).
LC says
We also really value family time, but it kind of devolved into “couch time” during the pandemic and now we default to sitting on the couch watching shows every night. I feel like we need to get back out there and do more social things now. I just signed up for a weeknight class at our synagogue, which I’m hoping will be a way to meet people there and help me feel more connected to the community. My husband has a group of friends that used to meet up for bar trivia or play basketball every so often, and I’m encouraging him to start that up again, though I think the other guys are also more reluctant to make plans these days. We don’t do much on the weekend that doesn’t involve our preschooler, which I’m fine with. We’re also TTC #2, so there’s some inertia stemming from the sense that whatever social life we have now will go away when we have a baby.
Anon says
Our family time has definitely devolved into couch time too! I do think it’d be beneficial for us to value social connection more, it’s hard to get moving though!
Anon says
Having fun together, a spirit of playfulness, adventure, and independence. We are going through a family situation right now where one of our parents is trying to manipulate us into doing what he wants in exchange for $5000. We said a prayer of thanks for working really hard to be financially independent so we don’t have to be tempted by things like that. It’s absolutely a key value for us. Also on the money topic, a value is spending money on quality experiences now instead of frantically saving everything for some promised future that may never come.
Cb says
Oof, Anon, that sounds really hard. I hear you on the finance side of things. I’ve got friends who don’t have as much childcare as they need so they can meet savings goals and it seems so stressful? I want to be able to send my kid to high quality care so I can work, and then focus on them. Versus having them at home, but trying to work at the same time.
Anon says
Those are great ones! I’d love to value fun and adventure more, but we definitely value financial independence. We’ve purposely made choices that are well below our means so we can say no to job opportunities etc.
Emma says
We’re struggling with this as DH considers a career move that would involve both a relocation and a ton of his time for two years. It would probably be a good move long-term, but we have a small baby, want a second reasonably soon, and I don’t want to solo parent (while also working) in a new-to-me location honestly. At the same time, we’ve always tried to support each others careers (and that includes my career too – when I was in Biglaw he was 100% supportive and picked up a lot at home). We are both ambitious and driven and respect that about each other, but are learning to balance that with being parents and wanting family time. And we’ve always committed to be open to adventure and opportunity. So I’m trying to get on board while finding a way to make it work for our family.
Anon says
That’s such a hard balance to find with a young family! I hope you find a way for it to work for you!
Emma says
Thanks for the kind words, Anon – it’s definitely something we’ve been struggling with in the past few weeks
Anon says
This is one of our biggest marital issues. My husband thinks what matters is that we have the same amount of time “off,” e.g., he can be out of the house for 6 hours on Saturday if he gives me the same amount of time off on Sunday. I prefer family time. He’s also something of a workaholic, and although he definitely pulls his weight with respect to chores and parenting, he would rather skip vacations and outings so he can stay home and get more work done. We never really resolved it, it just improved as our kid got older. Being alone with or traveling solo with a 5 year old is much more pleasant than being solo with a 2 year old (for me anyway). And this is a factor (but not the only one) in why we didn’t have a second child.
Anon says
That’s so hard. And it’s one of those issues where no one is wrong and you couldn’t have known it would come up until it’s there.
anon says
Interesting question! I think most of our limits have happened organically because I can’t remember having any huge discussions about “we don’t do this.” Couple time and family time are definitely a priority for us. We see friends and have hobbies, but nothing hugely time-consuming. That wouldn’t work for us. I also would be a hard no on any job that requires a ton of travel. DH travels occasionally but I would not like it if work travel were a regular thing. Several of our friends do it and it works for them, but it honestly seems miserable to me.
Controversial, but we do not put our kids in super intense activities with travel, tournaments every weekend, etc. That is not the family life we want.
Anon says
We’re not there yet, but I think intense activities are going to be a point of contention in our marriage. My husband did lots of intense travel sports growing up and wants the same for our kids. That’s a lot of time. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it!
Anne-on says
That’s a really good point and not something I think most (if any) couples discuss. My husband and I are on the same page that kid activities are not worth sacrificing our weekends for but lots of people feel differently (or you may have a super driven kid) and it’s not wrong, just not how I want my life to go!
Anon says
My husband and I both grew up with stay at home moms, and as a dual-career household it’s been tricky because we have these subconscious expectations on what childhood should look like when we’re in a very different situation. I’m very interested to see if travel sports wind up being something that he views as worth HIS time, because frankly my current plan is to let him take the lead on activities if he wants our kids to do them.
anon says
I’m not sure if this is quite what you’re asking, but my husband and I both came from families in which both parents worked but the dad had the more time consuming and more highly compensated job. We went into our marriage with the expectation that childcare and the home would be mostly my responsibility given the demands of his job. While I know that is likely foreign to most people on this board and the main board, that was our mutual expectation and it works well for us and our family. I actually have a very “big” job, but we make that work that by outsourcing not by my husband taking on domestic responsibilities; even with my big job he works vastly more ours than I do and makes 4x-5x my income.
I have a happier marriage than many of my friends, and I attribute this in significant part to the fact that we were really clear on and upfront about how we were going to approach family life – a lot of my friends fight a ton with their husbands about the husbands not doing enough at home, and we just don’t have those arguments. My parents advised me that it was critical to be on the same page with your spouse about this and I advise other people to do the same – if you want a marriage where you share domestic labor equally, you *must* have that discussion before you get married. If you expect that your husband will bear the primary burden of financially supporting the family so that you can be more hands on with your kids, you *must* have that discussion before you get married. However you choose to handle it is fine, you just need to be rowing in the same direction.
Anon says
i think it is easy to discuss in advance, but you might feel differently once you have kids. i thought i would be fine doing a lot of solo parenting, but turns out i don’t like solo parenting very much, particularly when it is with both of my kids, i enjoy it when it is 1:1, but that’s rare with having twins
anon says
Oh, for sure, nothing is 100% – but it’s worked for us (and we have three kids). I know many women who thought they’d always be all-in on career and after having kids realized they really wanted to be able to focus more energy and time on their children; I know moms who thought they’d want to stay at home and realized during maternity leave that they 100% were happier working…but I do think most people would be better off having advance conversations about these things. The number of women I see commenting here and on the main board who are realizing that they had different unspoken expectations than their spouses about domestic responsibilities is quite high.
In our own case, I’ll also say that I think the fact that our families of origin had this structure and we both felt positively about it also contributes to it working for us.
Anonymous says
I’d say an important shared value to us is being there for friends and family. Everything from a cup of sugar/eggs to being on call when you’re 9 month pregnant and aren’t sure how quickly grandparents can get there to flying across country to help a friend when they’re having a tough time, that’s truly important to us (and all of these are items we’ve done in the past six months). Also, each having a fairly large amount of time to ourselves, which seems to be very different from what most families we know do. We trade off weekend mornings and each really prefer our own TV area to relax at night. We are currently renovating about half of our house and it took away our second TV/lounge area for the duration of the project, and it’s a bit of a struggle. We do plenty of things together (including sometimes watch the same shows!), but often need solo time to decompress.
Anonymous says
There’s a long list, but I think the most interesting one is something that happened recently. During the pandemic, DH was home more, and he sort of never left. He used to be out the door at 7:30am and home at 6pm. I did all the kid stuff during the week, including making dinner. He’d be home and do bathtime and tuck-ins.
His entire perspective on work/life balance shifted during the pandemic. His office is back to being open but he WFH most days. He puts the kids on the bus, keeps his calendar clear for PK dropoff. He takes my older ones to their evening basketball games, plans most of dinner and does a lot of the prep work. He schedules meetings around kid activities, takes 100% of his 6 weeks of vacation time, etc.
I would have KILLED for this level of help when the kids were younger, but I’m actually grateful that I have it now when they are old enough to remember how present their dad gets to be.
I grew up with a “nights and weekends” dad and his advice to me and DH when we had kids was basically to put their childhood ahead of work. It’s one of his biggest regrets.
GCA says
That’s really interesting. Did he ever say why his perspective changed? I know WFH dads (my BIL, for one) who are just as hands-off and workaholic as they were pre-pandemic.
Anonymous says
My husband? Yes, I think he really got to be home and see what he was missing, vs hearing about it second hand.
The same thing happened to me but the trigger was being laid off. I have my all to that company and they got acquired and my job was eliminated. I got a great severance package and got a wonderful new job but it taught me work doesn’t GAF about me.
Anonymous says
Yes to this! Our schedules changed in the past year so that DH now does the morning routine and school drop off, and I do pick up and starting dinner in the evening (I work 7-4 and he works 9-6). I think it’s really helped DH get along with our son because he spends consistent time with him every morning. They have inside jokes, songs they listen to in the car, and are generally just bonding a lot better now.
Anne-on says
This happened for us too (my husband was out the door at 7, home at 6:30) and now works from home 3-4 days/wk and is actively chosing to be present for a ton more school/kid stuff. Frankly that is mostly because the pandemic proved to his older, non-tech saavy team that yes they CAN work productively at home whereas before even 1 day of WFH was a struggle. He was also keenly aware that he was missing a lot of family time and didn’t want to be just a nights/weekends dad – I think that attitude is more common now and I’m glad it’s men AND women pushing back on needless facetime requirements.
Seafinch says
Interesting question. We haven’t been together since we were kids or anything (I am 45, he is about to turn 43 and have only been married 13 years) but we have cemented our values organically together over time. I would say I drive the agenda but he had a revelation about the wayward (his conclusion not mine) priorities of his parents and really resents it now and fully buys into my vision. The process seems to be along the lines of; I provide hard instinct, he is very cerebral and provides a lot of intellectual discussion points, then I circle back with a lot of research and consumption of material. We end up unified. I am more of an extrovert than he is but we are both home oriented, like to entertain. We definitely prioritize family time and when I say, “I think we should go to this museum/have a picnic etc”, he goes along even though it would never occur to him and sometimes he doesn’t want to. He trusts me to not push him too far and to strike a balance between not doing anything and overextending ourselves.
We are real outliers and live our lives in ways almost everyone we know could not fathom. We bought a second home across the country in our early thirties. We both could have been streamers but put the brakes on our careers and turned down opportunity to advance, he does more domestically than any man I know (which is endlessly commented on). We have only ever had Au Pairs (very unusual in Canada), we are about to have our fifth kid. I spend a huge amount of effort on what we eat and am very particular about health and wellness type stuff. We don’t do extra curriculars for the kids really when they are little or big birthday parties. Our peers all have renovated houses and two new vehicles, usually at least one high end. We drive a ten year shabby minivan and have taken a year to hand cut replacement doors out of MDF for our fifty year old kitchen cabinets. We don’t outsource anything except childcare so no cleaners or lawn/snow service. We’re weirdos but it works!
Anon says
I think we’ve both influenced each other over time and we help stretch each other. My husband values adventure and travel, and I’m more of a routine-oriented homebody, so he helps me take more family trips. I am more of a saver and type A worker, but our tight budget and cheap-skate ways have become less important as my husband’s career has taken off and we have more resources. I honestly always expected to share domestic chores as partners but this was never our reality and often a source of tension. I’ve come to accept it because it’s not worth the emotional turmoil, and instead I make it work and treat myself in other ways (having full-time daycare for the kids and WFM gives me more flexibility, time to do what I want, and less stress so I don’t mind fitting in more domestic tasks as much). Ultimately I think you can try to align on the big things ahead of time but flexibility and love matter too. If the goodwill is there, you can work it out eventually and your solutions might shift over time in ways you wouldn’t have expected.
Fallen says
My 10 year old is going for a few weeks to her grandparents this summer. Do you think she’s good to fly by herself? How does it work?
Anonymous says
Depends! Has she flown a lot before with you? Is it a short direct flight? Is she confident? For my kid, 10 would be too young but I know other 10 year olds who do just fine.
Liza says
First of all, ask her. If she seems terrified, I’d say it’s a no-go. If she’s into trying it, then yes, 100% at age 10 she can do it. I flew by myself when I was five. The airline attendants take them from you and stay with them the entire time until they are “delivered” to a responsible adult on the other end. Get her an Apple Airtag to wear for added peace of mind.
NYCer says
+1. I would definitely only consider this if your daughter is enthusiastic about it. Personally, I would probably only send a 10 year old alone if she were flying with a friend (or sibling), not completely alone.
Spirograph says
+1 We’re considering this for our 10 year old to go visit a grandparent this summer. I do think it’s extremely kid-dependent. My 8 year old would be excited to fly by herself now, but my oldest is a much more tentative kid. I’m fully confident he is capable of handling it, but whether he wants to might be another story.
Anonymous says
I would not rely on an AirTag. We have one on our dog and it’s useless. Even though our neighborhood is very densely populated with Apple devices, it doesn’t alert us when she leaves the geofence and doesn’t show her correct location when she is out on a walk. When she’s home it beeps at random times.
Instead of an AirTag, I’d get her a phone.
Anonymous says
My daughter flew by herself for the first time at age 9. It was a fun adventure. At age 10 I’d do a direct flight but not a connecting flight–the danger of flight delays or cancellations causing her to get stuck in the connecting city are just too great these days.
You pay an unaccompanied minor fee and get a gate pass at the check-in counter. You take your child to the gate. A flight attendant helps her board, then you wait at the gate until the plane is actually in the air. At the destination airport, the grandparent gets a gate pass at the check-in counter and goes to the gate to meet her.
Cb says
Oof this prompted me to look up regs where I am and 16 years old to fly internationally! That’s so old. I had imaginings of sending my son to his grandparents with his 14-year-old cousin next summer, but no joy! It’s only a 3 hour flight.
Anon says
It’s 15 on our airline of choice (United). It seems silly to me. I flew alone (direct) at 12 and it was totally fine and I don’t think I was an unusually independent kid.
Emma says
Wow. At 9 I started flying alone from Paris to Dallas every summer to stay with my cousins and grandparents. I was a UM until 12, and then I just flew alone. I was also picturing sending my daughter to see her grandparents when she was older. Different times, I guess! This was the nineties and pre 9-11.
Anonymous says
Yup, I flew internationally 1-2x a year starting at age 11. It was NBD.
Anonymous says
Now you have to be 15 to fly alone without UM status.
Anon says
Depends on the airline I think. We’re a United family and that’s their age limit but other airlines let you do it younger. 15 is cray to me.
Anonymous says
I have a 9.5 year old that has flown a lot. I would ask her and feel her out. If she seemed confident and into it, then I’d let her on a direct flight. If she had any hesitation whatsoever, I’d make sure we practice on the next few flights so she feels confident about airplanes, airports, etc.
Maybe next summer mine will fly to see her grandparents! She’ll be nearly 11 (Sept birthday).
FWIW my DH flew solo at 5 ask a kid to visit grandparents. I have a 5 year old and that’s a big no-go over here :)
Seafinch says
My 8 year old did a solo flight last summer (Ottawa to Halifax) for camp. He was nervous but the airline was great. He’s chatty and made friends. My older kid was supposed to meet her grandfather in Florida just when COVID hit and was super stoked but it got cancelled. I think it can be totally fine!
AwayEmily says
Does anyone have a recommendation for a play tent that a 7yo could easily put up themselves (and put back down again). It doesn’t have to be huge (and in fact would be better if it wasn’t). Maybe one of those pop-up ones that are stored in a zip pouch? There seem to be so many on Amazon and I have no idea how to sort through and find a decent one. I can imagine a lot of them fall apart easily. Would be willing to pay a bit more if necessary.
Cb says
We have the glow in the dark fort (held together with orange balls). My 5-year-old can do it with help and it’s light/easy to store.
Anonymous says
We have the Utex cube/tunnel/tent from Amazon, and it seems to be holding up pretty well to my very active toddler. It’s a little tricky to fold back up into the pouch, but I love that the pouch fits neatly under our coffee table (it’s still visible and bright green, but there’s no hiding the fact that we have a toddler in our small house).
SG says
Check out Air Forts, you need a box fan and that’s it
anon says
I’m looking for a new pool bag, preferably one that stands up. We currently have an XL LL Bean tote and the thing is massive. Great for storing towels, but I’d actually like to downsize a bit. I’m considering a Bogg bag but they are crazy expensive for what they are. Kids are old enough that I’m mostly carrying goggles, towels, and snacks at this point.
Meg says
I got this randomly off Amazon, and really love it. Lightweight, collapses if you fly to the beach (we do), and the material is definitely water resistant. I can fit what you listed above for our family of 4 well. We use Turkish towels for the most part, but it can fit bigger ones too. I got the xl size
Extra Large Beach Bag, Waterproof Beach Bag, Big Beach Bags Waterproof Sandproof, Lightweight Beach Bags, Beach Tote https://a.co/d/eTJSGZy
Anon says
I like this pool and beach bag because water (and sand) both fall out, and if pool toys are a little damp they can dry in the garage without me having to unpack the whole thing. Bogg bags are very popular at our pool, but I don’t understand the appeal other than as a status thing (which is not my thing). Even though it claims to be XL sized, it is much smaller than an XL LL Bean Tote.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07QPJX4R6/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
FP says
I like our Yeti bag because it is waterproof on the outside so it doesn’t soak up water sitting near the pool (which drives me nuts about the LL Bean bag, but it’s so great for everything else) and it stands up on it’s own. It’s called the Camino Carryall 35. A cheaper option that’s really popular at our pool is the Scout bag.
Liza says
Welcome to my knockoff Bogg bag, which is basically exactly the same just… a knockoff so half the price: I love it for the pool because it carries alllll the pool toys and things, and I can stack folded towels up past the sides of the bags and kind of hold them in place between the handles, expanding the capacity of the bag. And obviously it’s completely waterproof:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B8TZ2HRK/ref=syn_sd_onsite_desktop_85?ie=UTF8&psc=1&pd_rd_plhdr=t
Anon says
how to teach your kid to think for themselves? backstory- had a group of 4/5 year olds over on Sunday for Valentine’s Day and I noticed that my daughter, M was following this one other little girl, H, around like a puppy dog. H kept asking if they could go upstairs, additional toys, etc. My daughter M barely spoke to anyone else bc she was so caught up with H. She also seemed to be letting H control all the shots, and it seemed like if H suggested something M knew she wasn’t supposed to do, M would say yes. I don’t want my daughter to be quite so susceptible to peer pressure and I want her to be willing to stand up for herself. Tips?
Anonymous says
Following, because my daughter is exactly the same, so much so that her teachers have flagged it for us. They stress “being a leader” and “making the right choices” and so we try to do as well. As she’s getting older I think it’s getting better- I thought it was a really good step when one time during an outing she told us she didn’t want to be bossed around by someone who was previously calling all the shots. We praised her for making that decision and honored her request to go do something else. Would love to hear from parents of older kids who have simliar personalities.
Anonymous says
Help your daughter pre-plan activities in advance. Then she has stuff to suggest to do with her friends. I have 3 girls; one’s an “M,” one’s an “H,” and my 3rd kid will just do whatever she wants with or without the other kids in the house :).
OP says
the activities kind of were planned. we decorated cookies, had arts and crafts and were playing outside. it’s like H said they should play pretend pirates, and M went along with it, even though she wanted to play fairies and unicorns. makes me concerned about the older years when peer pressure can lead to much more troublesome activities than pretending to be pirates
Anon says
That doesn’t sound concerning at all to me. We haven’t done big parties but for play dates we tell our kid to let the guest lead the activities, assuming it’s not something dangerous or against the rules. And we’ve observed that at other houses too. So if it was your home, this kind of just sounds like being a good host? “Bad” peer pressure would be if M convinced your kid to do something dangerous. And even then what happens at 5 is not that happens at 15. I really think you’re overthinking.
Anon says
I think this is pretty normal 5 year old behavior.
Willow Go or Elvie Stride says
Anyone have the Willow Go or Elvie Stride? Looking for a good wearable option.
I still have my Spectra S2 from prior pregnancy and will use this when I don’t need freedom of movement, but want a wearable option for when i’m chasing toddler, doing household chores etc. I nursed toddler until 14 months (and pumped as needed so nanny or husband could give bottles occasionally, although i always preferred to nurse when possible).
Anonymous says
I used an earlier version of the Willow briefly. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to chase a toddler, but it was fine for washing dishes – basically any household chores that didn’t require much bending. Mostly I used it so I could pump and eat at the same time more easily (I EP’ed until just short of a year). I stopped using it once my kiddo started daycare and just stuck with the Spectra because I was still 100% WFH at that point and didn’t need to be covered up while pumping and working. If I recall, my main issue was the capacity of the Willow vs. Spectra, but maybe that’s changed by now.
Anon says
I really liked the Elvie Stride. Used it after my second baby and it made things so much easier. I actually ended up not using my old Spectra at all. I’m not sure the Stride would pump as much out, if that is a factor, but it was completely sufficient for me.
Anonymous says
Co-sign all of this. I also had D-MER with pumping only with my second baby and mobility made it much easier to manage. Some friends who have the Elvie Stride said it didn’t have as much output for them. I hate pumping with a fiery passion and potentially lower output is/was worth it to me, and I never compared it to my older Madela.
anonymous says
I have an Elvie Stride and I like it. I feel less tied down/exposed than I do with my Spectra, though I’ve found that I still can’t get much done while wearing it: my pumping output suffers if I’m not just totally chilling out on the couch and the cups are such that I can’t really hold the baby while I’m using it.
It’s been especially useful to me as a secondary pump. I keep my Spectra in my office (washing and bringing parts each day) and the Elvie at home to use in the evening, during work from home days, and when traveling.
SF says
I want to uplevel the baby gifts we give at work. 1) budget is $500 2) needs to be appropriate for first time moms and moms having their 2,3, etc.
I’m in LA but will have parents to be in different states. I’m leaning toward locally delivered post partum meals but wanted to check here if there was something you loved that would be appropriate from work.
NYCer says
My office gave me an Amazon gift card in that range, and it was a great gift. I realize I am probably an anomaly, but I was well stocked in the food department post partum, and I am a bit particular about what I eat, so I would not have enjoyed locally delivered meals as much.
Anon says
My boss straight up said “Our budget is X what do you want?” and that is how I got the Tripp Trapp (and a stack of great books).
I would just ask people what they want.
YMMV, but restaurant gift cards or a meal train would not be something I’d want. I didn’t find it challenging to prepare meals after babies. However, I fully acknowledge that I had easy births and easy babies.
anonM says
+1. What about offering the Tripp Trapp? Could be good even with multiple kids, is something many wouldn’t splurge on but would enjoy having. Or a nice all-wood block set (the kind that will grow with kids but also works for babies)? If they hate it or already have one, it would be easy to pass along.
I also would have liked meals, I’m surprised by the reactions here. Maybe a Zingerman’s basket – bread, cheese, etc. where it can be eaten as a meal or snacks?
Anonymous says
I found Amazon and Target gift cards to be the most useful gift postpartum. TBH, we didn’t even use any of the Doordash/restaurant gift cards until well after the newborn phase, in part because I did NOT have an easy baby, and we didn’t know when we’d have a 15 min window to eat until it started. Porch dropoffs of ready to heat food from neighbors/local restaurants (this was peak pre-vax covid) were the most useful food items, but that might be hard to coordinate from out of state.
GCA says
Legal protection from layoffs? :-/
A gift card is most flexible, I think. I had a baby with a dairy and soy sensitivity and premade meals might have been tricky. Is this for moms only or all new parents?
Anon says
My office gave me a Target gift card and that was great because we could buy the remaining stuff we still needed. We didn’t register. Meal delivery wouldn’t have been very useful for us personally. My husband has always been the primary cook in our family and that didn’t change once we had a baby.
Anonymous says
Check their registry and purchase something with that budget, give cash, or directly ask what they want. I would hate meals. Such an imposition.
Anne-on says
I’d do a target or amazon gift card too. My kid had serious food allergies and I had some weird food aversions while nursing so food delivery would have gone to waste on us. Everyone needs diapers/wipes/bottles/other rando baby stuf you don’t realize you need until they’re here.
Anonymous says
This is very thoughtful of you and I think it’s fine to just ask them what they want or what would be helpful. What I wanted with my first was drastically different than with my second and third.
Anon says
Our company always buys off the registry, is that an option? It’s understood that an admin will ask for your registry and choose something.
CCLA says
That is what my old firm did too and highly recommend. There just isn’t going to be one universal gift that’s always great – registries are there for a reason! Or a gift card, but I understand the desire to have something physical to gift.
SF says
I didn’t expect meals to be so controversial but that’s very helpful to know! We were trying to standardize the gift but I hear you all on registry/gift cards (I don’t think most third time moms make registries…). And it should have said parents, not just moms. Everyone having a baby will get the same/similar gift or amount.
Isabella says
Following up on yesterday’s CIO comparisons…does anyone else’s baby sleep sitting up? LB sits straight up in the middle of his crib crying, until he falls asleep, eventually he falls over, wakes up hurt and angry, and then props himself up sitting to cry again. The cycle goes on for hours, although he’s obviously not crying the whole time.
Is this as weird as it seems? Anyone else experience similar?
Anon says
Mine will sit up and then fold forward and sleep like that. I usually leave her for awhile until she’s deeply asleep, then I reposition.
Anonymous says
My twin who is a very poor sleeper will do this sometimes. But he’s not actually asleep; it’s more like he’s “stuck” sitting up, then he starts crying until I go in and put him on his back and he settles. Have you tried putting LB on his tummy? He might be too little for that but it seems to help when mine keeps sitting up and upsetting himself.
Isabella says
Yes, he’s a stomach sleeper and sometimes flops like the comment above. But God forbid I touch him to reposition, max crying and pulling himself back to sitting!
Anne-on says
We had something similar when our baby learned to pull up on the bars of his crib….but then couldn’t figure out how to sit down again. They all seem to go through it at one point – generally it takes about 7-10 days (at most) for them to figure out how to get themselves back down.
anonM says
Mine didn’t do that. At the risk of asking something obvious that you’ve already ruled out, is reflux a problem? Not sure CIO will work very well if that’s the issue. Good luck, and may the sleep odds be in your favor.
Isabella says
Yes, we are treating him for reflux. Sleeping has been so much better since we started Famotidine!
Anonymous says
One of my kids fell asleep sitting up in her high s chair, often while eating. Not once- like once a week.
She’s 5 now and still a fantastic sleeper that can doze anywhere. One of my other ones is basically the princess and the pea though :)
anon says
Advice, please, if you have been through something similar. Any advice on dealing with a parent with hoarding/cleanliness issues? Commiseration? My siblings and I are torn between wanting to make things better and just letting it be, as previous efforts have not helped. I know the issue is fraught with emotions, backstories, etc. Do you wish you’d pushed a parent more, earlier? Was it not worth the fighting? I’ve accepted we have different levels of cleanliness, but after emptying an elderly relative on DH’s side’s house, I just feel stressed thinking about the future.
busybee says
My MIL is a hoarder. Hoarding requires professional intervention, not just cleaning out the house as a family project. We have had no success getting MIL to change because she does not believe she has a problem. She will on occasion “go through things” which means she’ll give various relics to family members because she can’t bear to throw things out. We then throw away the unwanted relics but we have to do it extremely carefully so she never finds out because she would blow a gasket.
Husband and his sister both have a hard time accepting the fact their mom has a mental illness. We do not ever go to her house, and at holidays we give her consumables and restaurant gift cards
Anonymous says
In our family there were repeated attempts to clean out and clean up the hoarding parent’s house, and each time it quickly descended back into squalor. The ultimate solution once the parent became less mobile was for us to put the valuable and sentimental items away in safe places where the parent could not reach them and let the rest be. When the parent moved to assisted living we removed those items and let a junk hauler take away the rest before we staged and listed the house for sale.
been there says
In my experience you can push, be stressed, have a strained relationship, and maybe make a small difference in the condition of the house OR you can let it go, have a pleasant relationship, and let your parent live however they want, even if you don’t want them living that way.
It helps if you go ahead think to yourself that you will hire a specialist company to clean out the house when the time comes.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s tough in all sorts of ways. While a small part of me has pangs that I couldn’t go through the house personally and about some sentimental things the specialist company didn’t save, I treasure the wonderful relationship I had with my parent.
Anonymous says
Reach out to your local Area Agency on Aging. They may know of local resources. For example, some counties in my state have a hoarding task force that will help families with interventions. They really focus on being respectful and building trust.
been there says
I appreciate this resource, but this is a know your relative situation if they don’t want help. If I had done this, it would have destroyed the trust my parent had in me, without any long term benefit to my parent’s home situation. Sometimes there’s really nothing that one can do to solve a problem.
Anonymous says
That’s why I said “for example.” The interventions are just _one example_ of a resource some counties offer. As another _example_, many AAA’s also offer caregiver support groups. I work in the aging world, so I’m well aware that what works for some families who are navigating care/resources for older adults doesn’t work for others.
Anonymous says
I should add that I highly recommend at least talking to any local resources, even if you ultimately decide not to do anything. I see a lot of people here talking about just hiring a cleaning service later on…that’s great in theory, but I see a lot of deaths caused by hoarding situations (fires, structural collapses, etc.). These situations can be very dangerous for first responders, not just the inhabitants.
Anonymous says
I don’t really have any advice. My MIL is a hoarder. She has a TBI so it’s getting worse as she ages. I try to stay out of it since it’s not my family, but it causes a lot of stress when we visit. Even attempts to put junk mail in the garbage cause fights. She’s not that old either: she’s 65. Eventually we won’t be able to visit because it will be too crowded and unsanitary.
been there says
I wrote a comment a few hours ago that has yet to post, but the tldr is that it’s a choice between a) a pleasant relationship and letting your parent live how they want; and b) a stressful relationship, where you only make a small difference in the living conditions anyway. It stinks there’s not a better option, but I’m glad I chose a).
been there says
Also, privately resolve now that you’ll hire a service to clear out the house when the time comes. It’s a lot better for your relationship if it’s not weighing on you that you, personally, will have to spend an inordinate amount of time sorting and cleaning.
Liza says
In terms of the future, this is why estate sales are a thing. When my father passed, after we removed specific sentimental items from his home, the estate sale company came in and took care of the rest, and the service pays for itself. Can you just resolve in your mind that that’s how you’ll handle it in the end and relieve the stress you’re feeling now?